Gary Delaney’s GREATEST One-Liners | Stand-Up Comedy Compilation | Mock The Week — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:01and it's
2. 0:05relationships right
3. 0:07relationships it's good to be here last
4. 0:09time I was here a girl asked me for sex
5. 0:11I had to disappoint her we had
6. 0:15sex but I'm trying to learn to be a more
7. 0:18sensitive lover I got a DVD how to
8. 0:20improve your foreplay technique it was
9. 0:22really good had to fast forward through
10. 0:23the boring bit at the
11. 0:26beginning bothered with
12. 0:28that last night I had beefs you with
13. 0:30dumplings I shouldn't call her that but
14. 0:31she's a big
15. 0:37girl I went to see the stallop ties at
16. 0:39cheddar Gorge and our guide asked us not
17. 0:41to try and crack one off and she wasn't
18. 0:42even that
19. 0:44attractive I still
20. 0:47managed it was very
21. 0:49dark this morning I went to a meeting in
22. 0:51my premature ejaculator support group
23. 0:53but it turns out it's tomorrow
24. 1:03I think a few of the men started
25. 1:04clapping before the end of that joke by
26. 1:05the
27. 1:07way my girlfriend's dog died so to cheer
28. 1:11her up I got an identical one she was
29. 1:12livid what am I going to do with two
30. 1:14dead
31. 1:18dogs friend of mine had a penis
32. 1:20extension now his house looks really
33. 1:27stupid and the topic is family
34. 1:33family okay old lady names are very much
35. 1:36back in fashion at the minute like Lily
36. 1:39or Elsie or Rose and we wanted something
37. 1:42like that for our daughter but we
38. 1:43couldn't decide so in the end we just
39. 1:44called her
40. 1:50Nan told her she'll grow into
41. 1:55it I remember one time my uncle asked me
42. 1:58to spell shardon freuder and I couldn't
43. 1:59but he's dead now and I'm not so I
44. 2:06win my cousin always introduces himself
45. 2:08as Steven with a pH and that's cuz he's
46. 2:10slightly
47. 2:16acidic my married friends would always
48. 2:18tell me there's someone out there for
49. 2:19everyone and I think wow she must be
50. 2:22right
51. 2:26slag knock knock who's there Grandad
52. 2:28[ __ ] stop the funeral
53. 2:35Brandon asked me how to print on his new
54. 2:37computer I said just control P he said
55. 2:39haven't been able to do that for
56. 2:46years my confirmed Bachelor Uncle always
57. 2:49describes himself as asexual but I'd
58. 2:52also add be gay
59. 3:04as a child I was always told that if I
60. 3:06touch myself down there God was watching
61. 3:08but it turned out it was just uncle
62. 3:13Peter the topic is
63. 3:15celebrity
64. 3:17um
65. 3:19celebrity they started a celebrity
66. 3:21magazine for the elderly it's called
67. 3:22hello hello
68. 3:25hello Yuri Geller surprisingly hard to
69. 3:28stab
70. 3:31[Laughter]
71. 3:37Malcolm X chose that name rather than
72. 3:39admit he'd accidentally put a kiss at
73. 3:40the end of a text
74. 3:43message I want to see Walt Disney on Ice
75. 3:46bit disappointing it's just an old bloke
76. 3:47in a
77. 3:54freezer the new president of France said
78. 3:56this week that English speakers were
79. 3:58arrogant in their refusal to learn
80. 3:59foreign languages at least I think
81. 4:01that's what he
82. 4:03said but it all just sounded like H he
83. 4:07wh he
84. 4:09[ __ ] and remember that's not racist if
85. 4:11it's about the
86. 4:13French I'd have 5s on the Daly Lama if I
87. 4:16was a Tibetan
88. 4:24man when they buried the man who
89. 4:26invented Tetris the whole Cemetery
90. 4:28disappeared
91. 4:35as well as seven years in prison here
92. 4:37Abu Hamza could be deported to the
93. 4:39United States where he could face the
94. 4:40electric chair but on the plus side if
95. 4:42he is electrocuted at least he can just
96. 4:44stick his hook in the air and pretend to
97. 4:45be a bumper
98. 4:50car and
99. 4:52[Laughter]
100. 4:55relationships sorry that does actually
101. 4:58look like me and my girlfriends that's
102. 5:01uh apparently in Norfolk the marriage
103. 5:03guidance service is called
104. 5:08related my girlfriend says I'm not very
105. 5:10romantic the other day we were kissing
106. 5:12on the sofa she said how about we take
107. 5:14this into the bedroom I said okay you
108. 5:16get the other
109. 5:19end when uh when she suggested we try
110. 5:21playing doctors and nurses I was really
111. 5:23hoping for something sexier than being
112. 5:24left in a corridor for two
113. 5:27days my girlfriend and I crying for a
114. 5:30baby her mom's agreed to help out just
115. 5:31so I get
116. 5:35[Applause]
117. 5:38hard he's going to see that on telly as
118. 5:41well that's
119. 5:47terrible they always say you'll find the
120. 5:49love of your life when you're not really
121. 5:51looking which was true but by then I'd
122. 5:53run her
123. 5:57over I've been trying to persuade my
124. 5:58girlfriend to sex stimulate me with her
125. 6:00key ring she just keeps fobbing me off
126. 6:02[Applause]
127. 6:06so when I heard you could now be a
128. 6:07spermed owner by post I came in a
129. 6:11[Applause]
130. 6:13jiffy I went to a swingers club the DOR
131. 6:16goes it's £15 to get in or you can pay
132. 6:1820 pound that includes a meal I paid 20
133. 6:20pound I went in this oiled naked guy
134. 6:22comes up to me goes hello my name's Emil
135. 6:31I once had a one night stand and I
136. 6:33didn't get an erection that isn't cool
137. 6:34luckily the woman I was with was really
138. 6:36understanding and she just said don't
139. 6:37worry that used to happen to
140. 6:40me thank
141. 6:43you and the topic is
142. 6:47education uh one time at school I lost
143. 6:49my thesaurus I couldn't find the words
144. 6:51to describe how upset I was
145. 6:59I remember sitting in Psychology class
146. 7:01learning about pavlof thinking no stupid
147. 7:04dogs and then the bell went and we all
148. 7:05had
149. 7:07lunch I'm sitting at home this guy
150. 7:09knocks on my door have you ever
151. 7:10considered an alternative energy
152. 7:12supplier I'm like no I'm quite happy
153. 7:14with
154. 7:21food got to be a tough job going around
155. 7:23door to door encouraging people to
156. 7:28photosynthesize I can give you the
157. 7:30leading cause of anaphylactic shock in a
158. 7:35nutshell I've got the memory of an
159. 7:37elephant I remember one time I went to
160. 7:38the zoo and saw an
161. 7:46elephant my nan recently claimed that
162. 7:48she once gave a hand job to Elbert
163. 7:49Einstein what a stug a
164. 7:54genius technically shoplifting from the
165. 7:56Apple Store any counts as scrumping
166. 8:02sex education lessons at our school were
167. 8:03pretty weird the teacher made us shout
168. 8:05out rude words to get out of our system
169. 8:07like bum Wily [ __ ] and we had to carry
170. 8:09on doing that until he
171. 8:14came topic is
172. 8:20childhood as a child I was made to walk
173. 8:22the plank we couldn't afford a
174. 8:27dog my six-year-old refused to eat
175. 8:29anything other than alphabetti spaghetti
176. 8:31luckily he's dyslexic so I just buy him
177. 8:33normal
178. 8:34spaghetti for work dad these are all
179. 8:37elves yes it's
180. 8:41Welsh I bought him some medicine for his
181. 8:44ADHD on the side of the bottle it said
182. 8:46concentrate I thought if he could do
183. 8:50that I bought a really nice 12-year-old
184. 8:53Scotch obviously his parents weren't
185. 8:58pleased hey I hate people who complain
186. 9:00about breastfeeding in public I don't
187. 9:02want to see it or that's disgusting or
188. 9:04you can't do that you're not a
189. 9:11woman that's not a
190. 9:16baby as kids we always enjoy dipping
191. 9:18Ginger nuts into a steaming hot cup of
192. 9:19tea but of course nowadays that's called
193. 9:25bullying I shouldn't do that by the way
194. 9:28ginger jokes are the last messages of
195. 9:29racism in comedy and they started a
196. 9:31ginger Pride movement to stamp that [ __ ]
197. 9:32out they had a March in hi Park little G
198. 9:35but the sun came
199. 9:40out Nan always said that when she was
200. 9:43young she never had to worry about
201. 9:44leaving her back door open what a slag
202. 9:51[Applause]
203. 9:59I'm totally going to get in trouble with
204. 10:00the family again this is really not
205. 10:02worth
206. 10:04it you got to look after your health as
207. 10:06you get older the other day I did a poo
208. 10:07and noticed there was a little blood in
209. 10:08it I said o BR get at me toilet a
210. 10:14it and the subject is relationships okay
211. 10:17how are
212. 10:20you I used to suffer from premature
213. 10:23ejaculation which made me feel selfish
214. 10:25and bad for my girlfriend then she
215. 10:27suggested I try this special cream that
216. 10:29reduces your sensitivity and it really
217. 10:31worked cuz now I don't give a [ __ ] about
218. 10:37her I bought a vegan friend of mine a
219. 10:39fancy cookbook unfortunately he said he
220. 10:41couldn't accept it as it was leather
221. 10:43bound which meant it was too heavy for
222. 10:44him to
223. 10:47lift when I was a teenager my mom always
224. 10:50said your bedroom's so messy you'll
225. 10:52never get any self respecting girl to
226. 10:53come back here but luckily they weren't
227. 10:55the ones I was going after
228. 10:59I watched the director's cut of a porn
229. 11:01film at the end he actually fixes the
230. 11:03washing
231. 11:06machine I was in a sex shop I saw a
232. 11:08dildo described as 9 in long and
233. 11:10realistic I thought well which is
234. 11:15it the Archbishop of Canterbury recently
235. 11:17said he couldn't support gay marriage
236. 11:18without first having a mandate honestly
237. 11:20if he's that bothered I'll go out with
238. 11:23him one time at a party I chucked my car
239. 11:26keys into a big bowl and everyone just
240. 11:28stared at me and the trifle was
241. 11:32ruined I was watching a really weird
242. 11:35porno the other day that was just a fat
243. 11:37man crying and wanking at the same time
244. 11:40and then I realized I hadn't turned the
245. 11:41tell
246. 11:43on thank
247. 11:45you and the topic is shopping there
248. 11:47where you
249. 11:50go I bought a slimming magazine in wh
250. 11:53Smiths I didn't read it I just wanted a
251. 11:55big bar of Galaxy for a pound
252. 12:00I bought some fancy pens at the nudest
253. 12:01Art Shop felt tips no but I touched a
254. 12:03couple of
255. 12:07[Music]
256. 12:08bollocks I was in a lingerie shop I said
257. 12:11are these nickers satin he said no
258. 12:12they're
259. 12:16new I went to buy a Christmas tree the
260. 12:18guy said you going to put it up yourself
261. 12:20I said no I was thinking the living
262. 12:27room what a chameleon lost
263. 12:33it why is it that when women go to the
264. 12:36toilet in pairs no one minds but when I
265. 12:38did it I got thrown out the green
266. 12:45grossers I got into a fight my
267. 12:47acupuncturist and stabbed him he said
268. 12:48he'd never felt
269. 12:51better according to the vet my cat's in
270. 12:53heat I didn't even know she was famous
271. 12:57[Applause]
272. 13:03friend of mine keeps going on and on
273. 13:04about how good his orthopedic shoe is
274. 13:06but I think he's built it up too
275. 13:10much I bought an advent calendar for
276. 13:12Jehovah's Witnesses but on every door
277. 13:13somebody tells you to [ __ ]
278. 13:15[Applause]
279. 13:17off uh the topic is
280. 13:23Health the doctor told me to lose some
281. 13:25weight I said how he said don't eat
282. 13:27anything fatty I said what pie chips
283. 13:29that kind of thing he said no just don't
284. 13:31eat anything
285. 13:38fat I was thrown out of Weight Watchers
286. 13:41for making sarcastic comments during the
287. 13:43weekly weighin as you can imagine I
288. 13:45accepted the decision with huge Grace
289. 13:47because they threw her out as
290. 13:51[Applause]
291. 13:54well Jared dyslexic ASD She was recently
292. 13:56given an obbe said what's the point I
293. 13:58can't the bloody
294. 14:05thing I live next door to a family of
295. 14:07anorexic agrh bics yeah bet they've got
296. 14:09a few skeletons in the
297. 14:11[Applause]
298. 14:14class friend of mine's been suffering
299. 14:16from paranoid delusions and now he
300. 14:17thinks he's a chocolate orange I worry
301. 14:20he's going to be
302. 14:23sectioned poor
303. 14:27Terry I thought PPI was just something
304. 14:30you could get if you didn't wear goggles
305. 14:32at the swimming
306. 14:37bats I bought an alcoholic ginger beer
307. 14:39he wasn't
308. 14:45pleased I once to met a girl who
309. 14:47confused the tuber KY Jelly with
310. 14:49Superglue I asked how it happened but
311. 14:50sadly her lips were
312. 14:52[Applause]
313. 14:54sealed and subject is transport where
314. 14:57you go guy
315. 15:00I had a nightmare on the journey over
316. 15:02here and luckily that woke me up just
317. 15:05before I ran over a small
318. 15:12child the other day I lost control of
319. 15:14the roundabout and then I went
320. 15:16absolutely bunkers on the
321. 15:20swings I stopped in a layby there was a
322. 15:22sign saying no dumping I was I was just
323. 15:24having a
324. 15:27we I going to break down service for
325. 15:30scousers it's called the AA calm down
326. 15:32calm
327. 15:33down they can't fix your car than hour
328. 15:35they'll Nick you a new
329. 15:38one the par Olympics taught us all that
330. 15:41sometimes we should stop and put ourself
331. 15:43in the place of people with disabilities
332. 15:45and I have to say those parking spaces
333. 15:47are
334. 15:51brilliant in the car on the way over
335. 15:53here I kept hearing this annoying whiny
336. 15:55noise so I pulled over my girlfriend got
337. 15:58out to have a look at the and I drove
338. 16:04off the other night I saw a couple
339. 16:06weaving all over the street I said
340. 16:07honestly get a
341. 16:17loom I accidentally filled the escort
342. 16:19with diesel she
343. 16:22[Applause]
344. 16:27died topic is
345. 16:29nationalities where you
346. 16:32go my next door neighbors really loud
347. 16:35and obnoxious so now I know how Canada
348. 16:40feels I bought some lamb chops on the
349. 16:43packet it said reared in Wales I thought
350. 16:44that was just a racist
351. 16:51stereotype this morning I made a Belgium
352. 16:53waffle in the afternoon I made a
353. 16:55Frenchman talk bollocks
354. 16:59in Scotland the forbidden fruit is
355. 17:04fruit when England played Poland at
356. 17:06Wembley there was 30,000 polish fans in
357. 17:08the crowd and I thought well fair play
358. 17:10to them if I'd built it I'd want to have
359. 17:12a look round as
360. 17:16[Applause]
361. 17:20well i' like to annoy my Israel flatmate
362. 17:23by giving him any post that's just
363. 17:25addressed to the occupier
364. 17:28[Applause]
365. 17:33I was at an Italian zoo with a Christian
366. 17:34friend of mine so I thought went in Rome
367. 17:36and pushed him into the
368. 17:39lions Nan's going to that suicide clinic
369. 17:42in Switzerland but don't tell her it's a
370. 17:46surprise my granddad was killed by a
371. 17:48Zulu he was having a [ __ ] at Whip snade
372. 17:50and the roof
373. 17:55collapsed and topic is childhood
374. 18:01I didn't know what to get my little
375. 18:02niece for Christmas so I asked my sister
376. 18:05what she's into and apparently at the
377. 18:07moment she's mad about Frozen stuff so I
378. 18:09got her some Oven Chips and
379. 18:12peas they love
380. 18:14that every Christmas Day we'd always
381. 18:17have pigs in blankets or as you probably
382. 18:19call them relatives sleeping in the
383. 18:20spare
384. 18:24room Winnie the Pooh possibly the most
385. 18:27vindictive chapter in Nelson Mandela's
386. 18:32autobiography it was only after I shot
387. 18:34the fifth zombie that I started to
388. 18:36wonder why they were all carrying bags
389. 18:38of sweets and ringing my
390. 18:43doorbell I've been trying to recapture
391. 18:45my lost youth I really must get that
392. 18:47Cellar Door
393. 18:53fixed one time when as was a kid I I
394. 18:55bought a chocolate bar on the inside of
395. 18:56the rapper it said you're a loser I
396. 18:58wouldn't mind if there been some sort of
397. 18:59competition
398. 19:01on to make things worse it was a
399. 19:07boost as a family we couldn't decide
400. 19:10whether to have Nana buried or crated so
401. 19:12in the end we let her
402. 19:15[Applause]
403. 19:17live my 13-year-old cousins already
404. 19:19started taking heroin it's amazing isn't
405. 19:21it they shoot up so fast these
406. 19:26days okay the topic is Health where you
407. 19:30go I'm a lot sportier than I might look
408. 19:33in fact I picked up a little niggle at
409. 19:35the gym the other day I mean he
410. 19:36pronounces it
411. 19:39Nigel I had a very stressful Journey
412. 19:42getting here today all the way this
413. 19:44Lorry driver was right up my ass but it
414. 19:47was nice of him to give me a
415. 19:51lift I spent most of the afternoon
416. 19:53hanging out at the swimming baths and
417. 19:55then somebody told me and I tucked it
418. 19:56back in again
419. 20:04I put on a lot of weight recently so I
420. 20:06rang up Weight Watchers I said it's an
421. 20:08emergency can you send somebody around
422. 20:10and they said yes we can we got loads of
423. 20:15those my grief counselor died recently
424. 20:17but luckily he was so good I didn't give
425. 20:19a
426. 20:23[ __ ] I accidentally kicked the dog early
427. 20:26and he bit me on the bollocks my mate
428. 20:27said it's karma said no if anything he's
429. 20:29even more
430. 20:33angry I asked the vet what can I do I
431. 20:36think my dog's racist he keeps barking
432. 20:38at the Asian man next door and the vet
433. 20:40said muslim I said I don't know but he's
434. 20:41got to be
435. 20:44in I went around to see my nan I said
436. 20:47what you been up to she said weed in the
437. 20:49garden I said well at least you didn't
438. 20:50[ __ ] in
439. 20:54it I was in the garden with my
440. 20:56girlfriend earlier and we saw the 18y
441. 20:58old old girl next door all dled up ready
442. 21:01to go out clubbing and my girlfriend
443. 21:02said do you know what at that age I
444. 21:04could really see myself in her which was
445. 21:06weird CU I was thinking the exact
446. 21:12same okay the topic is
447. 21:18work I nearly lost my job as a roofer
448. 21:21when I was caught masturbating on the
449. 21:22first day luckily my boss said I could
450. 21:24wipe the Slate clean
451. 21:28[Applause]
452. 21:31I used to work at waterstones one day a
453. 21:34guy came in asking if we had any audio
454. 21:35books with subtitles I thought hang on
455. 21:38that's a
456. 21:43book The Circus near me held a
457. 21:45competition to find the best
458. 21:46contortionist So I entered myself and
459. 21:53won in my old job I just used to punch
460. 21:55buttons all day and that's why I'm no
461. 21:57longer allowed to work in panto
462. 22:02I've got two lawyers working for me at
463. 22:04the minute one's pro bono and the other
464. 22:06thinks is a right pretentious
465. 22:09[Applause]
466. 22:13[ __ ] when my granddad was caught trying
467. 22:15to stow away in the Merchant Navy he
468. 22:17offered to work his passage which as you
469. 22:19can imagine made him very
470. 22:20[Music]
471. 22:23popular I hate people who phone me up
472. 22:25just to complain about the weather which
473. 22:27is why I lost my job at Mountain in
474. 22:32rescue I was at a station the other day
475. 22:35that had a piano on the platform so I
476. 22:36had a little tinkle on it which saved me
477. 22:3830
478. 22:43P I went on a positive thinking course
479. 22:45it was
480. 22:49[ __ ] I bought a Microsoft Advent
481. 22:52calendar You' opened too many windows at
482. 22:53once they all shut again for no bloody
483. 22:56reason the topic is technology okay
484. 22:59where you
485. 23:01go the young couple next door to me have
486. 23:04recently made a sex tape I mean
487. 23:05obviously they don't know that
488. 23:12yet the hardest part of making skimmed
489. 23:15milk must be throwing the cows across
490. 23:17the
491. 23:20lake the guy next to me at work used to
492. 23:22watch porn all day I'm just glad he
493. 23:23didn't begin to rub off on me
494. 23:29I think if I was to try revenge porn I'd
495. 23:32just post naked pictures of myself
496. 23:34online so everybody would know how low
497. 23:37my ex's standards
498. 23:41were when answering the security
499. 23:43question place of birth apparently
500. 23:46vagina is not an acceptable
501. 23:51answer it's been a tough week I got
502. 23:54myself a memory foone mattress and now
503. 23:55it's trying to Blackmail me
504. 24:00I've currently got a stalker but you
505. 24:02probably can't tell in these
506. 24:06trousers a friend of mine was killed by
507. 24:09the big sea he was walking past CES and
508. 24:11a sign fell on his
509. 24:13head I was watching TV and the announcer
510. 24:16said there's a documentary about the
511. 24:17clitoris on the red button but I
512. 24:18couldn't find
513. 24:20it and the topic is
514. 24:26relationships the other day a woman
515. 24:27described me as a bit of a
516. 24:29looker well Voyer was the actual word
517. 24:33that she
518. 24:35used I used to go out with a parachutist
519. 24:37with IBS but she shat on me from a great
520. 24:42hi one time I nearly had a threesome
521. 24:45with my girlfriend and my best friend
522. 24:46and the only thing that stopped it
523. 24:47happening was they didn't invite
524. 24:51me my girlfriend said she wanted to try
525. 24:54some new condoms with something special
526. 24:56inside to boost her pleasure I said oh
527. 24:58what's that she said other
528. 25:02men our fourth child was called Ivy and
529. 25:05that's cuz we ran out of names and
530. 25:06started using Roman
531. 25:11numerals my last girlfriend was always
532. 25:13trying to put me down which is just one
533. 25:14of the hazards of going out with a
534. 25:19vet I Tried reading a book on premature
535. 25:21ejaculation but I couldn't get past the
536. 25:23opening
537. 25:26passage this Christmas I'm taking the
538. 25:28whole family to lap land which is great
539. 25:30cuz normally those clubs don't let kids
540. 25:35in I always worry when a woman sees me
541. 25:37naked for the first time that she's just
542. 25:39going to scream and run out the
543. 25:45park my girlfriend and I love watching
544. 25:47box sets we got three episodes into
545. 25:50oranges the New Black before finding out
546. 25:52it wasn't about what would happen if
547. 25:53Trump replaced
548. 25:55[Music]
549. 25:57Obama and the topic is Health
550. 26:03car the area in nandos between the front
551. 26:06and back door is called the Perry per
552. 26:15neum I like to judge my weight by my BMI
553. 26:18as long as I weigh less than a small
554. 26:20plane I think it's fine
555. 26:28when writing a story about losing your
556. 26:30virginity it's important to always put
557. 26:31it in the first
558. 26:34[Applause]
559. 26:37person when people die and head towards
560. 26:39the light what they don't realize is
561. 26:41they've already been reincarnated as a
562. 26:46moth I can count the number of Chainsaw
563. 26:49accidents I've had on the fingers of one
564. 26:54hand I tell you always catches my eye
565. 26:56short people with umbrellas
566. 27:01so the other day I was doing the
567. 27:02hoovering in my pants and I thought to
568. 27:03myself how do my bollocks get this
569. 27:13Dusty I've been attending Gamblers
570. 27:15Anonymous for three years whereas my
571. 27:17best mate Dave only stuck it out for two
572. 27:18and a half so I won that
573. 27:22one I like to think I'm a bit like
574. 27:24Superman for example the other day I
575. 27:26changed in a phone box from a man who
576. 27:28really needs a Wei to a man who's just
577. 27:30had a
578. 27:32Wei I pulled a siki the other day just
579. 27:35one of the perks of working at the
580. 27:41hospital the other day my girlfriend and
581. 27:43I had great makeup sex well I say that
582. 27:46she was out and I stuck her lipstick up
583. 27:47my
584. 27:54ass because I'm worth it
585. 27:57[Applause]
586. 27:59and the topic is
587. 28:05animals I don't like to eat anything
588. 28:07labeled reformed ham as I think it's
589. 28:10unfair that the pigs are slaughtered
590. 28:12after they've got their lives back on
591. 28:16track last night I had to get towed home
592. 28:19cuz ratty and moly were too
593. 28:24pissed whenever I see Ginger people
594. 28:26going gray I'm I'm always reminded of
595. 28:29the sad plight of our native
596. 28:34squirrels I went around grandads to walk
597. 28:36his dog as I was leaving the house he
598. 28:38said don't forget poo bags I was like
599. 28:40all right
600. 28:46Gran my girlfriend's a cat person she's
601. 28:49got fishy breath shits in a tray and
602. 28:51disappears for days at a
603. 28:54time I tried swim with dolphins once but
604. 28:57I didn't like it I found them very
605. 29:01clicky Dolphins who die without any
606. 29:04money are given a popus
607. 29:10funeral the other day I was chewing on
608. 29:12some monkey nuts and now I'm banned from
609. 29:13the
610. 29:18zoo doctor doctor I'm addicted to
611. 29:20screwing dogs have you tried patches
612. 29:22what's here
613. 29:25poodle I went to the zoo to watch the
614. 29:27monkeys wanking then I went to watch the
615. 29:29crocodiles and I was still
616. 29:33wanking thank you very much