Gary Delaney | Ruthless One Liners — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00sometimes people get in touch with me to
2. 0:02complain about my jokes if they think
3. 0:03something offensive they get in touch on
4. 0:05Twitter on Facebook or email me through
5. 0:07my website or something and when they do
6. 0:10that I make a little note of it because
7. 0:12I know that means that's a good joke and
8. 0:13I should probably do it more so what
9. 0:16I've done it this is a collection of my
10. 0:18most complained about jokes ever so
11. 0:22that's what we're gonna do and
12. 0:24so look if you're watching that on the
13. 0:26little video if you complain about these
14. 0:28after that warning that means you're a
15. 0:30okay here we go
16. 0:36I fist a ventriloquist wants to see how
17. 0:40he liked it my cousin was a heroin
18. 0:50addict by the age of 13 it's amazing
19. 0:52isn't it kids shoot up so fast these day
20. 0:59[Music]
21. 1:01personally I prefer morning sex as it's
22. 1:03when people are recently bereaved or at
23. 1:05the most vulnerable
24. 1:11that's good the user started Amarone on
25. 1:14joke 3 haha
26. 1:17the other day my girlfriend and I had
27. 1:19great makeup sex well I say that she was
28. 1:21out and I stuck her lipstick up my ass
29. 1:27because I'm worth it
30. 1:32a gay friend of mine recently had his
31. 1:35arm in a cast
32. 1:36it was the cast of Joseph and his
33. 1:37amazing technicolor today
34. 1:43see we're plunging downhill already
35. 1:48Islamic state of released their own
36. 1:50range of anti dandruff shampoo it's
37. 1:51called Shoulders the make-a-wish
38. 2:05Foundation should really be called the
39. 2:07know make another Wish Foundation said
40. 2:12they were rough
41. 2:15no one's first wishes for Disneyland is
42. 2:18it doctor doctor I'm addicted to
43. 2:23dogs if you tried patches what's he a
44. 2:24poodle I once met a woman whose pelvic
45. 2:30muscles were so strong she said no man
46. 2:32would ever dare to finger her so I
47. 2:33offered to help and she snatched my hand
48. 2:35off I pulled a sickie the other day just
49. 2:42one of the perks of working at the
50. 2:43hospital
51. 2:53about half of your unshockable and half
52. 2:55of urs Cooper we're gonna keep on
53. 2:57pushing we can all see if I can offend
54. 2:59the all of you before I finish I
55. 3:01think the worst thing about having sex
56. 3:04with your mom would be if you lost your
57. 3:05erection she just say well where did you
58. 3:08last have it it's when pedophiles have
59. 3:14kids that they really come into their
60. 3:15own you clamp that you're dreadful
61. 3:27person Jesus Christ we all okay
62. 3:37I'm quite a sensitive man I don't mind
63. 3:40being held after sex it's only when they
64. 3:41press charges it gets tricky I mean I
65. 3:44seems quite mild after the last one that
66. 3:47one word as originals are so horrible
67. 3:50you'd gladly suck your granddad's
68. 3:52just to get the taste out of your mouth
69. 3:55Oh God we're getting worse okay as a
70. 4:00family we couldn't decide whether to
71. 4:02have Nana buried or cremated so in the
72. 4:04end we let her live
73. 4:05I don't like emo kids all pale and ill
74. 4:13looking and talking about death all the
75. 4:15time sorry chemo kids
76. 4:23hey as a reason I started with a warning
77. 4:30if anything finding out that Jimmy
78. 4:33Savile was a pedophile made it even
79. 4:35worse he never answered my letter all of
80. 4:39my favorite 70s kids TV stars they've
81. 4:41all been done for an avenue Jimmy Savile
82. 4:43Rolf Harris Stewart Hall a bit finger
83. 4:46mouse he's himself it's
84. 4:49somebody say when I said my favorite 70s
85. 4:51kid CBS that did somebody say you that
86. 4:57is up if I'm now in the Yewtree
87. 4:59Grammys particularly up because I
88. 5:00was born in 1973 I was a toddler
89. 5:03to it seriously I was such an ugly child
90. 5:07I had to give Peter files sweets it was
91. 5:09hard you know it cost me a fortune in
92. 5:20sure but Dib dabs just to feel some
93. 5:22affection oh I've gone Bleeker than I
94. 5:26intended okay all right are we
95. 5:28gonna get worse
96. 5:29Peter file goes into a florist supply
97. 5:31some flowers please all kids no just the
98. 5:33flowers
99. 5:35[Laughter]
100. 5:38my granddad went down in history and one
101. 5:40occasion fingered a girl in geography ah
102. 5:46there's another page but the great thing
103. 5:51about jokes about kids with leukemia is
104. 5:53they never get old this is gonna get me
105. 6:02record numbers complains it's gonna be
106. 6:03beautiful ha ha I love magicians
107. 6:06who was that guy in America made those
108. 6:08landmarks disappear bin Laden
109. 6:14I think dolphins invented cancer just
110. 6:17that have people to swim with old ladies
111. 6:25aren't nosy the real reason they poked
112. 6:27their heads through the curtains all the
113. 6:28time is they're practicing for being
114. 6:29cremated this is good I've revolted even
115. 6:34years he's wonderful as in the town
116. 6:38center early on I saw people collecting
117. 6:39for Parkinson's and they were shaking
118. 6:41tins which I thought was a bit
119. 6:42insensitive because people collect money
120. 6:49for anything nowadays call it a charity
121. 6:51recently I saw this woman collecting for
122. 6:53reconstructive vaginal surgery following
123. 6:55the birth of our eight children there
124. 6:57she was outside Tesco's waving her
125. 6:59bucket
126. 7:05gentlemen if you think your partner's
127. 7:06got a rather large vagina is some porn
128. 7:08you never let on to that fact and
129. 7:09believe me I know as I once put my foot
130. 7:11in it
131. 7:11I think someone's just left being
132. 7:16revolted you quite right - madam we're
133. 7:17the only decent person in this room I
134. 7:19joined a fisting Club not some
135. 7:21particular in - I'm just trying to widen
136. 7:22a circle of my friends most
137. 7:29complained around the ones I said I'd
138. 7:31never do on stage again and I am
139. 7:33seemingly mmmmmm my girlfriend and I
140. 7:35were on a touring holiday recently and
141. 7:37we were driving over the Downs which
142. 7:38will teach me to take a shortcut through
143. 7:39a special school I rang up that new rape
144. 7:50advice line but apparent ease just for
145. 7:52victims I recently went down on my
146. 7:58girlfriend without realizing she was
147. 7:59having a period as you can imagine I was
148. 8:01very red in the face oh Jesus all right
149. 8:11I've never seen a complete child porn
150. 8:13film just little snatches
151. 8:23I've got one final thing um it was the
152. 8:26show my sex face looks like everybody
153. 8:28great okay just give me two seconds to
154. 8:30get ready
155. 8:39[Applause]
156. 8:47[Laughter]