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Frankie Boyle's GREATEST Stand-Up Moments | Ultimate Comedy Compilation | Mock The Week — Transcript

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0:05cleric Abu Hamza Abu Hamza part man part
0:09coat
0:11hanger has said that even though he's in
0:14America his heart is in meica and his
0:16arm is in
0:20Afghanistan the the British police
0:22arrested him and then released him
0:24because they realized just how difficult
0:26it would be to make it look like he'd
0:27hung himself in his cell
0:32the Americans want him to help with
0:34their investigations into 911 because
0:36they've got a black box that hav a lot
0:38of difficulty
0:41opening okay education who wants to go
0:44for that Frankie's up the uh the
0:47government's new education policy
0:49apparently is to make children stay at
0:51school till they're 18 it's just not
0:53living in the modern world is it 17 year
0:55olds having to go to school who's going
0:56to pick their kids up from primary
0:59[Applause]
1:03the Catholic Church have got a big thing
1:04this week they say they don't want sex
1:06education in schools because that's like
1:07giving the kids pornography as opposed
1:10to the traditional catholic method of
1:11educating them of actually shagging
1:16[Applause]
1:18them come on sex education at my school
1:21was a muttered warning about the
1:26janitor the next topic is transport who
1:29wants to Comm in on that
1:31Frankie now I never travel by virgin
1:35trains on the principle that it's not a
1:37great recommendation if the guy who owns
1:40the train Network chooses to travel by
1:43hot air
1:45balloons what is it with the new toilets
1:48on trains what was wrong with a toilet
1:49door that just locked now it's like this
1:51multiple choice system so if anything
1:55goes wrong you're going to be sitting
1:56there while the whole wall slowly slides
2:01away and you're unveiled like a prize on
2:04a quiz
2:05show for 500 points are shutting
2:09women Frankie do you want to get a crack
2:11at that
2:12topic nice choice of phrase there thank
2:15you very
2:18much have you seen all this this stuff
2:20about gay adoption what's what's the
2:22controversy I'd have loved to have had a
2:23gay dad you remember all that stuff at
2:25school oh my dad will B your dad my dad
2:29could B your dad listen my dad will
2:32Shack your
2:39dad and your bad will enjoy
2:44it it is of course National surveys
2:47anyone to try something on that good man
2:49Frankie they've uh they've done a survey
2:52in America that says that Osama bin
2:55ladin is now more famous than Michael
2:58Jackson and you think yeah but it puts a
3:00lot less effort into his videos doesn't
3:04he it really freak the Americans out if
3:06they just thrown a we moon walk now and
3:09again ha more famous than Michael
3:11Jackson but who would you rather have
3:13looking after your
3:17kids they did a survey this week that
3:20said that 20% of British men have a
3:22problem with premature
3:24ejaculation the others just don't think
3:26it's really a
3:28problem sex in early
3:31nights they brought a condom for
3:34premature ejaculation and basically it's
3:36got an anesthetic in the lining so it
3:38makes you numb and you can last for
3:40longer or you can wear it inside out and
3:43you don't have to wake anybody
3:48up on the same topic Frankie it's your
3:50turn apparently in America they're
3:53building a big tower on the site of
3:55September the 11th Freedom Tower and
3:57they're looking at ways of try to make
3:58it terrorist proof
4:00I think they should have just built a
4:01giant
4:04mosque no one's going to fly into that
4:06are they or even better a
4:12Runway how how ging would it be if you
4:15hijacked the plane then had to come in
4:17and make a text boot
4:19Landing they're always going oh don't
4:21deal with terrorists we mustn't deal
4:22with terrorists let's deal with them
4:24what's all offering you boys 100 virgins
4:26we'll give you 50 slags
4:30or two women from
4:34dande come on Frankie it's your turn
4:38well you know we've got this thing now
4:40extreme rendition where basically they
4:42fly people out to torture them and those
4:45flights stop in Scotland I mean this is
4:49horrendous people being denied basic
4:51human rights orange jumpsuits how are we
4:53supposed to tell these flights apart
4:55from easyJet
5:00I
5:02mean easy jet probably would torture you
5:05they just charge you for it as an
5:07extra you want a sack in your head and
5:10pissed on Sir that'll be
5:146 is this is this really what we want to
5:17do with Islamic fundamentalist
5:19terrorists make sure they're all on
5:25planes isn't that a bit like when they
5:27used to lock the A Team into a shed full
5:29of old mechanical
5:31Parks frankly on the topic of Science
5:34and
5:35Innovation there's no scientific
5:38progress okay do you remember when NASA
5:40used to be able to put people on the
5:41moon and now they can barely do a
5:43shuttle mission without killing
5:45everyone do you remember the last
5:47mission when they were pretending that
5:49everything was okay even though that guy
5:51had had to go out on a space walk with a
5:53makeshift hacksaw I don't know about you
5:56but if I was on a plane and I just
5:58watched the pilot shimmy out along the
6:00wing give me the big thumbs
6:03up a makeshift haaw what kind of blue
6:06Peter operation was that we can't hear
6:09you Houston the yogurt pots and string
6:11are not long
6:14enough the subject is the Royals
6:17Frankie why have the Royals sent both
6:20Prince William and Prince Harry to
6:23sandar what is there some kind of
6:25advanced gayness that doesn't get
6:27covered at public school anymore
6:30do you not think life must be quite
6:32weird for Prince Harry getting really
6:35stoned and seeing your Grand's face
6:37appearing on your
6:40money I I have a
6:43theory a theory about Prince Phillip
6:46that he can only die once he's insulted
6:49Every Nation on
6:50Earth so you're the Ambassador for Fiji
6:53finally I can die you spear throwing Pig
6:56Humper
7:01it is the future ah
7:04Frankie worrying about the future is
7:06different if you're Scottish so like
7:08English people are worried about the
7:10Euro coming in because they're worried
7:11about what it'll mean for nationality
7:13and identity and in Scotland we're
7:15worried that they might close down pound
7:18stretcher well the new coins be heavy
7:20enough to throw at
7:22referees you know people worry about
7:24global warming and in Scotland we think
7:26about time I don't know if you if you've
7:29been to Scotland but you'll have noticed
7:30not a lot of Scottish people have wind
7:32chimes in their
7:33house it be like having
7:38tenus and the winter the winter is a
7:40tremendously difficult time of year for
7:42Scottish men to get laid cuz Scottish
7:44women wear so many clothes it's
7:47difficult to get at them you know how in
7:48the movies and that a young man's sexual
7:50right of passage is the first time he
7:52manages to get a woman's brass strap
7:54undone in Scotland is the first time you
7:56get a button off in a duffel
7:57Co oh just another two to
8:00go then I've got my hands on that
8:04fleece it's layers it's layers up there
8:07having a gang bang in Scotland's like
8:08playing past the
8:12[Applause]
8:15parcel the subject is
8:17Charity oh
8:19Frankie I tell what I hate is comic
8:22relief people sitting in a bath full of
8:24beans for starving Africans send them
8:26the bloody beans
8:30homeless Charities you know how come it
8:33is that we can get uh Charities that
8:35will take like all the dogs off the
8:36streets and provide them at homes but we
8:38can't do that for people I'd like to see
8:41a TV show like Trum
8:45rescue long walks and drinking heavily
8:49arguing over games of pool perhaps you
8:52could provide a home for
8:55Kenny we never knowingly put a healthy
8:57[ __ ] down
9:01I know you think it's a bit Rich a
9:03Scottish person standing talking about
9:04homelessness in London but those people
9:07you see on the streets aren't actually
9:09tramps they're Scottish
9:11tourists who consider their own clothing
9:14to be two star
9:17accommodation I enjoyed live it was good
9:20to see so many rock stars donating their
9:22time to Bob gild off much as his wife
9:25donated herself to so many of them in
9:26the 1980s
9:30ultimately ultimately if you can't
9:32afford to bring up your child why not
9:34send him to Africa where you can pay to
9:37have him brought up for15 a month
9:39standing
9:42[Applause]
9:47off and you'll get to meet Lenny
9:51Henry airport
9:55security Frankie
10:02see airport security is inconvenient
10:04it's inconvenient if you're a white guy
10:07if you've got a beard and a turban
10:09you're about 18 months away from having
10:11to fly naked on a clear plastic
10:18plane I was disgusted you know by that
10:21flight from Malaga where the two guys
10:23got thrown off cuz the passengers said
10:24they look dodgy cuz they were Muslim
10:27that's got a heart hasn't it you're
10:29getting called dodgy by the sort of
10:30scumbags who flying back from
10:37Malaga okay buddy I'm Muslim but you're
10:40covered into twos and 12 years older
10:42than your own
10:46[Applause]
10:48son lucky you it's the labor
10:53cabinet John Reed's got a stupid new
10:56idea he wants to make criminals pay
10:58compensation
11:00to their victims what if they've not got
11:01any money and do community service for
11:03them hey I'm here to do your garden
11:05remember me I murdered your
11:10husband he's wanting to force through ID
11:13cards now ID cards don't mean that your
11:15identity won't be stolen it just means
11:17that once it's stolen you're screwed I
11:20know I've left my wallet in the hotel
11:22I'm going to need new eyeballs and a
11:23finger transplant
11:30the subject is the Middle
11:35East you know when when everything
11:37kicked off in Lebanon all the
11:40Scandinavian countries evacuated all
11:42their people the minute anything
11:44happened do you know where they put them
11:46Syria what was that called operation out
11:49of the frying
11:51pan and then we had bombs coming through
11:54presswick airport to be dropped on
11:56civilians over there I mean it's really
11:58Grim but I suppose our only hope is that
12:00presswick airport will have done their
12:01usual got it all mixed up with their
12:04luggage Lebanon will have got bombed
12:06with stuff Scottish Folk are trying to
12:08bring back from their holidays you
12:10switch on the news to see a children's
12:11school getting leveled by 40,000 packets
12:14of Benson and
12:15hedges well done Franky
12:21Bo topic is
12:26Scotland I have this covered
12:30is that your image of
12:32Scotland you know that that's three
12:34English blocks at a
12:36wedding do you remember years ago when
12:38they were making braveart everyone said
12:40oh it's ridiculous Mel Gibson playing a
12:42Scottish guy that's not going to be very
12:45convincing and look at him now an
12:47alcoholic
12:50[Applause]
12:55racist the most Scottish thing I've ever
12:57seen I was going through a town called
12:59bath gate at about half 11 at night and
13:02there was a guy pissing against the
13:05front door who then took out his keys
13:08and went
13:09[Applause]
13:13insane it's
13:16science my uh my favorite science thing
13:19recently was that thing where the
13:20European Space Agency had a successful
13:23probe that crash landed on the moon now
13:26to me nothing is that success ful if it
13:30crashes that's a bit like saying that
13:32you've swam the channel because your
13:34corpse has been washed up on a
13:40beach we've now got a face transplant
13:43technology surely the best thing about
13:45having a face transplant is that you get
13:47to turn up at the donor's funeral and
13:52go have you ever have you ever heard
13:55that science thing that if you put a
13:56frog into boiling water it'll jump out
14:00but if you put it into a pan of cold
14:02water and heat it up it won't realize
14:05and it will die or to put it another way
14:07scientists have a lot of time on their
14:10hands shall we have a go at curing
14:12cancer no I'm going to see how many
14:14fruit pastels it takes to choke a
14:21Castel and the topic is
14:23Sport apparently uh Scotland games now
14:27at Hamden they've actually banned food
14:30from the ground and they search you when
14:32you're going in to make sure that you've
14:33not got food on you nice to see that
14:35we've got our priorities right isn't it
14:38what's this s of knife I hope you wern't
14:40planning on making
14:44sandwiches now got a Scottish guy is the
14:47number one British tennis player I've
14:50not checked my Nostradamus but isn't
14:52that one of the harbingers of the
14:55Apocalypse the only time I'd previously
14:58seen a Scottish guy playing tennis it
15:00was someone playing shads attempting to
15:02mime the word
15:09homosexual it's
15:13science uh scientists have just built
15:16the world's biggest ever super collider
15:19and they're doing an experiment to find
15:20out what makes up protons I hope that if
15:23the experiment's successful the whole of
15:26our reality will dissolve and a big sign
15:29come up that says level
15:35[Laughter]
15:38two I always I always wondered you know
15:41that woman that had the face transplant
15:43see if she gave you a [ __ ] would that
15:45technically count as a
15:49threesome political correctness who
15:52would like to give Frankie
15:59now political correctness has changed
16:01everything people forget that even
16:04political correctness itself used to be
16:07called [ __ ] gay
16:14talk it's not it's not politically
16:17correct to say don't give money to
16:18charity I mean we we might want to give
16:20money to Africa but money takes no
16:23account of cultural difference or the
16:25reality of those people's lives if you
16:27give a man a fish he'll eat for a day if
16:30you give him a fishing rod he'll break
16:33it up for
16:35firewood or swap it for a
16:39fish
16:41[Applause]
16:47than who's one to win the race the next
16:50topic is
16:52Scotland
16:55Franky Scotland is officially the most
16:58Beast nation in Europe you'd have to
17:01wonder what would' be like if it wasn't
17:02for all the
17:06heroin they were talking about making
17:08the next Bond Scottish I was glad they
17:10didn't you know cuz Bond was always
17:11traveling to all these different
17:12countries if he was Scottish he'd never
17:14get out the duty
17:16free come on bond we've only got 18
17:18hours to save the world all very well Q
17:20have you seen the price of these little
17:21bottles of
17:24stellers always drinking Bond never
17:27actually gets drunk it would have been
17:29good to see it just once try to phone Q
17:31in his ring I [ __ ] love you
17:36man subject is the environment who's
17:38going to come in on that one oh
17:41Frankie Stephen Hawkin has just come out
17:44and said that global warming might turn
17:47the earth into a cloud of boiling gas
17:52that's Hawking for you I think I could
17:54have worked that out if I just sat about
17:55in my ass all day
17:58[Applause]
18:00Ryan a are getting a hard time from the
18:03government because they're not doing
18:05enough to combat global warming and you
18:07think well air travel isn't good for the
18:10environment and surely no one has done
18:12more to put people off flying than
18:17ryer
18:20nothing nothing punctures that James
18:23Bond image quite like being sold peanuts
18:27by a stewardess who looks like she
18:28survived
18:32Hiroshima there's no way that Ryan a are
18:35as big a polluter as China although Ryan
18:38a do have a worst record on human
18:41[Applause]
18:43rights that's
18:47crime crime looking a lot like bird flu
18:50there
18:52but yeah they're going to bring in super
18:54asbos now I mean asbos already sounds
18:57too cool
18:59teenagers see it as a badge of honor
19:01they should call them gabos or Bender
19:06badges I tell you that the TV show I'd
19:08love to see CSI
19:12Glasgow well we've done some preliminary
19:15tests and it looks like the Intruder
19:17definitely did a job on the
19:20carpet we got this thing on DVDs now
19:23where they say DVD piracy funds the
19:26drugs trade funds the drug Drug Train I
19:29don't know about you but I reckon if you
19:31can't make money out of
19:34heroin you're going to struggle in
19:37general oh the problem with this crack
19:39cocaine is people can just take it or
19:41leave it thank God we're still selling
19:42the Harry
19:49Potters yeah you by PR of elimination
19:52Frank you where you go Lan Runners I'm
19:54guessing that's Sports it's
19:56Sports oh they not I thought we Men's
19:59Health to be honest I thought we were
20:00still danger to the danger to the
20:02testicles really I what that picture
20:04seems to indicate to me H okay we'll H
20:06yeah let's let's do it again sorry my
20:07mistake okay do you want to go yeah
20:09there we go Frankie let's see what
20:11you've been left
20:14with I'm guessing
20:17[Music]
20:20sport they say that uh the Olympics is
20:23going to rekindle English national pride
20:26I mean come on for 9.2 2 billion you
20:29could have written [ __ ] off Germany onto
20:31the
20:41moon it's it's good they're holding
20:43Olympics in the East End of London means
20:45the athletes will have to use extra
20:47skill to work out which of the gunshots
20:50they had was the starting
20:53pistol glasgow's getting in in the ACT
20:55glasgow's bidding for the Commonwealth
20:57Games be good to finally see an
20:59international Athletics event with a
21:01crowd fail a drugs
21:03test the East End of Glasgow is already
21:06looking Olympic Village lots of people
21:08who struggle to speak English wandering
21:10around in
21:14tracksuits I'm I'm looking forward to
21:17our opening ceremony seeing them
21:19lighting that Torch from a smoldering
21:22Ford Focus
21:29topic is
21:31celebrity yeah I've got a bit of an
21:33insight into this because I've got to
21:35that stage in Scotland where people
21:37recognize me but they don't know where
21:39from so last week I got followed by two
21:42guys who thought that I was the we bear
21:44from boal
21:48[Applause]
21:55actor apparently Katherine Z Jones lives
21:58in LA but she has bottles of air
22:01imported from Wales when I want my house
22:04to smell like whales I just kick my dog
22:06until it
22:11farts he doy right does anyone else
22:14think that Pete doer is quite fat for a
22:16heroin
22:18addict what's he been cutting his heroin
22:20with a holles
22:26sauce the next topic is is
22:30Health wow yeah that says Health to me
22:34there was a there was a Health Report
22:37recently on Scotland that said that
22:39Scotland is the worst small country in
22:43Europe and we were quite disappointed
22:45because we thought we were the worst
22:46small country in the
22:48world glasgow's Chief Health officer
22:51said that he was slightly surprised by
22:53the findings which caused them to have a
22:55massive heart attack
22:58Scotland does though have the best
23:00mental health record in Europe and I
23:03think that's because in Scotland you
23:06really have to go an extra bit to be
23:08judged
23:10mental sorry son we didn't realize you
23:12were a schizophrenic we just thought you
23:14were a bit of a
23:18character okay the next topic is the
23:20Royals
23:21[Laughter]
23:23Frankie I like the the tour where Prince
23:26Charles went to India with Miller I she
23:29like proper rural India as well you know
23:32that half the people that saw them were
23:34going Diana's let herself
23:38go apply they they couldn't send Prince
23:41Harry to Iraq because they couldn't
23:42afford the resources required to start
23:45developing Factor 60,000
23:49sunblock poor old Harry had his uniform
23:52packed was a 1941 SS Stormtrooper
23:59in in many ways Harry's just a typical
24:02British Squad isn't he and that he has
24:04absolutely no idea who his real father
24:10is
24:15fry and it's
24:19drinking as a tea total alcoholic that
24:21should be quite
24:22good I drink energy drinks now it's good
24:26that they finally managed to can
24:29xiety it's good that there's a drink
24:31that gives me the resting heart rate of
24:33a serial
24:35killer who's just spotted that there's a
24:37sale on at B
24:39andq I hate this thing where Guinness I
24:42was go over the national drink of Island
24:44yeah you're the national drink of a
24:45nation of Alcoholics that's like saying
24:48that you're Gary glitter's favorite
24:49search
24:54engine I'm t total right a concept which
24:57Scottish people don't stand so I did g
25:00in F and I was on stage and this guy was
25:02going up to the bar and he went hey I'll
25:04get you a drink as well I I used to be
25:06an alcoholic so I don't drink anymore
25:08but thanks anyway and he looked at me
25:10for a bit and then he went a paint of
25:12lagger
25:15Shandy the topic is reality
25:20television I think with uh with big
25:22brother they should make it more
25:24interactive you know press the red
25:26button now to release a tiger into the
25:29house PR it twice for a serial killer in
25:33a hockey
25:34Mass three times releases John
25:41Leslie I've play a joke on them you know
25:44where they they hear bombs going off in
25:46the distance
25:48helicopters going over the house Flames
25:50licking up around the fence then nothing
25:53for a few
25:54days and then on eviction night deina
25:58over the Tano sounding terrified and
26:01speaking in
26:05Arabic it said that people in India were
26:07burning Effigies of Jade goody and they
26:09weren't it turned out they were
26:10barbecuing a
26:13[Applause]
26:16pig and it's
26:21environment didn't that used to be an
26:22advert for
26:25mint R A getting a hard time from the
26:28environmental Lobby cuz they've launched
26:30a 7 flight to New York although as
26:33always with Riner it does land slightly
26:36outside New York in
26:40Dublin it's p we can't harness more
26:42Natural Energy isn't it P we can't
26:44harness the power of British
26:47moaning oh no that moaning powered light
26:49bulbs on the blink again oh no there it
26:51is back
26:54on everyone complained about the floods
26:56didn't they I like storms I like thunder
26:59and lightning what I like to do during a
27:01storm is Shag my girlfriend and pretend
27:04that we're taking part in the conception
27:05of the
27:10Antichrist the next topic is
27:15Scotland Scotland's full of terrible
27:18places the pride of karuk took a bit of
27:21a knock recently when they found out
27:23that the people of Ethiopia were holding
27:25a rock concert for them
27:30apparently Sean conry said that if we
27:32get independence he's going to come back
27:34brilliant we can live off his income tax
27:37like it was a newly discovered oil
27:39field my favorite Scottish thing ever I
27:42was on a train from Glasgow to London
27:44the day after September the 11th
27:47happened September the 12th I think you
27:52find and all these pissed Scottish women
27:56got on there's a guy sat across from me
27:57a seek with a turban on one of them goes
28:00who are you I hope you're not going to
28:03hijack this
28:04train some are wanting to get home
28:08tonight what what are the hijackers
28:10going to do at a train crash it into the
28:12buffers at Glasgow Central yes we've
28:15taken down the World Trade Center next
28:17it's Costa Coffee in the sock
28:20[Applause]
28:24shop it's celebrity there you go
28:28it was uh anniversary of Elvis's death
28:32recently people still think that Elvis
28:35faked his death surely if you were going
28:37to fake your death you wouldn't do it in
28:39a [ __ ]
28:41accident I mean you do something Brave
28:43wouldn't you rescue we boy from a river
28:45surely not a jobby related heart
28:51attack read the anniversary of Princess
28:53Diana's death I thought that the concert
28:56only Ricky J play paid a true tribute to
29:00Diana by dying a painful and horrible
29:03death you can get you know can get
29:05celebrity satnavs now you can get a
29:08Princess Diana satnav it just keeps
29:10saying put your foot down I think we can
29:12lose
29:17them I'll be honest with you that joke
29:20can go either
29:24way the first subject is health going
29:28volunteer
29:30Frankie part of the uh the side effect
29:33of the smoking ban in Scotland is that
29:36every Pub No matter how terrible or
29:39horrible now has tables and chairs
29:42outside it basically glasgo looks like
29:44Paris after a nuclear
29:48war people say there's no such way as a
29:52good way to die and those people have
29:54never heard the phrase drug fueled sex
29:57heart attack
30:01there's a there's a great case in
30:02Scotland at the minute a guy had a sex
30:04change and he had everything chopped off
30:06and then he decided that he wanted to
30:08change back they wouldn't let him so he
30:10went to the European court and they said
30:12okay you can change back now he's
30:14changed his mind again wants to stay as
30:16he house typical
30:21woman the next topic is a war and Terror
30:23who wants in Frankie
30:28George Bush says it when he retires he's
30:30going to make his living from speaking
30:32Yeah play to your strengths eh
30:34George that's like Abu Hamza having a
30:37career doing shadow
30:45puppets I watched the footage of Saddam
30:48being executed and it it really made me
30:50think it made me think is there nothing
30:52on the internet that I won't masturbate
30:55to
31:04uh
31:06is put his on
31:09YouTube I mean it's really got to bring
31:11it home to you as a Great Dictator when
31:13your death gets less hits than a fat
31:15Korean boy body
31:22popping topic is it's the UK oh in
31:26Ireland
31:28I've been uh touring around Britain it's
31:31been
31:32rubbish we're in uh we're in Bristol and
31:34everybody in Bristol is just hilarious
31:37there's a guy in the train station
31:38trying to buy a sandwich and the woman
31:40goes that'll be3 please and he goes I'm
31:43not paying £3 for that and she said well
31:45it's three3 you know take it or leave it
31:47and he walked off and as he got to the
31:49door it turned around and he went well
31:51I'll have the last laugh right cuz I
31:53ain't even
31:56hungry oh was topped by the restaurant I
31:59went to in Bristol where on the toilet
32:01wall someone had drawn a massive [ __ ]
32:04and along the shaft they' written Bon
32:08Appetit fry
32:13Bo topic is labor
32:17Frankie I don't uh trust aliser darling
32:21I don't trust anyone whose hair and
32:22eyebrows don't
32:24match I keep wondering what his pubes
32:26look like
32:28I wouldn't be surprised if he opened his
32:30flies and it was just a bunch of
32:33daffodils it looks tired as well darling
32:36but then he does have to commute in
32:37every day from Tracy
32:41Island gon Brown Gordon Brown looks
32:45tired as well Gordon Brown looks like a
32:47sad face that somebody's drawn onto
32:49their
32:52scrotum Sherry Blair had her
32:54autobiography can you imagine what Gord
32:56and Brown's wies autobiography will be
32:59like it'll be less eventful than an
33:04Franks Wednesday stayed in Gordon
33:11cried the first topic is
33:16relationships I think when you go on a
33:19date with someone it's a bit like
33:20playing cards isn't it there's a couple
33:22of cards you let the other person see
33:25there's also a couple of cards that you
33:27hold to your chest
33:28well as you can see I'm punctual and
33:31employed I'm holding un tidiness and
33:34sexual
33:37deviance I actually lost my virginity to
33:39my mother's best friend was my
33:48father it was the only time he ever told
33:51me he loved
33:54me I ran into my dad the other day and I
33:57lap dancing bar he was making good
34:00tips there's a lot of stuff I don't
34:02understand about sex you know like new
34:04day calendars new day calendars who's
34:07wanking going I can't believe it's
34:09pancake
34:13Tuesday it's
34:17celebrity Tom Cruz's got a creepy
34:19marriage going on hasn't
34:21he I reckon if you went around to their
34:24house for dinner she'd have written get
34:26help in the
34:32ke you seen a photo of Amy Wine House
34:35recently my God she looks like a
34:37campaign poster for neglected
34:43horses how did Wayne reeney manage to
34:46get married probably only because I do
34:49sounds quite a lot
34:54like Jade Goody's just been burgled
34:57according to to the paper she lost
34:59£100,000 worth of her most prized
35:02possessions that is a lot of
35:07turnips thank you
35:12Bo the next topic is science
35:16Frankie Viagra is overrated isn't
35:19it you know Viagra actually takes half
35:22an hour to have any effect I often find
35:25that in that time the women has managed
35:27to regle
35:35free you seen this H you seen this thing
35:38on phones the word cancer is on
35:41predictive text who's texting people the
35:45news that they've got cancer I've got
35:48cancer laugh out
35:51loud sad face
35:58let ask you something how long is too
36:00long to text back to someone my wife
36:03still thinks that I died in September
36:05the
36:0711th it's a good way of getting out of a
36:09relationship a little trick I picked up
36:11off my dad shortly before his untimely
36:14death aboard the challenge of space
36:17[Applause]
36:19shuttle okay the next topic is
36:23animals Frankie
36:25boy you heard this thing that the human
36:28female has exactly the same ferone scent
36:31as an orangutang female was news to me
36:34I'll never wear a blindfold
36:37again they told me she was a
36:43Jordy incidentally there are only two
36:46ways to have sex with an
36:48orangutang
36:50carefully and Every Which Way but
36:54Loose I hate pets people with pets
36:57having a pet is just basically saying I
37:00have tried to find love among my own
37:04species is there anything sadder than
37:07seeing someone with a dog picking up dog
37:10[ __ ] maybe someone without a
37:13dog I don't know how long I could be a
37:16vet before I got bored and started
37:18shagging
37:23stuff i'
37:25shag because whatever position you took
37:28it from you could always get eye
37:35contact or shag a kitten you know could
37:38you imagine having sex with something
37:40that you actually wanted to cuddle
37:50afterwards Frank you there addressing
37:53the topic of animals
38:02children what unbelievably Sinister
38:06photograph don't worry this is
38:08light-hearted
38:09Whimsy I've got a wee baby now he's 9
38:12months I'm starting to get a bit [ __ ]
38:14sick of him to be
38:15honest I went to the bath and going the
38:19bath it really does bring home the the
38:21the Wonder the miracle I suppose that is
38:26contraception serious like don't go it's
38:28like watching the deleted scenes from
38:31Platoon I got a we daughter now she's
38:34four and the other day this is true
38:36we're sitting having breakfast and my
38:38daughter goes daddy what's the best
38:40thing in the world so I didn't even have
38:42to think about it right I said darling
38:44you're the best thing in the world
38:46didn't even have to think about it it's
38:47definitely you and she sat there for a
38:50bit and then she went for me it's
38:52sausages
38:54[Laughter]
38:56[Applause]
38:59the first subject is television who
39:00wants to come in that
39:02fry it's so it's so patronizing
39:04television isn't it I saw a show the
39:07other day and I how to sell your house
39:09kind of thing and I said if someone's
39:11coming around to view the house remember
39:13to open your curtains and tidy
39:16up oh thanks for that I'd been planning
39:18on redecorating using diarrhea pills and
39:21Sten then shaving the word welcome into
39:24my dog's back
39:28I saw a show for the first time the
39:29other day you are what you eat where a
39:32woman gets a trestle table of food in
39:35front of a fat person and they have to
39:38pretend to feel guilty as she shows them
39:41their dream
39:43Buffet oh this is terrible could you
39:45give me five minutes on my own
39:47here you got to be careful what you say
39:50and telling I did a cookery show and it
39:52was 10: in the morning and it was live
39:55and it was the day the Glasgow Airport
39:57it's
39:58and the presenter said oh you do topical
40:00stuff don't you and I said yeah like
40:01today we don't know if that was
40:03terrorists or just Richard Hammond
40:05turning up late for
40:08checking you don't want to have to whisk
40:10eggs for 20 minutes while a studio full
40:12of people hate
40:16you see political correctness is all
40:19over television apparently on television
40:21we're now not allowed to say fairy
40:23lights because it might be homophobic
40:27now we've got to call them poof
40:31lanterns first topic is pensioners who
40:34wants to come in that fry but we've just
40:37heard that Britain for the first time
40:40has more pensioners than teenagers what
40:43a terrifying statistic for the country's
40:49pedophiles
40:53look no wonder gny glitter didn't want
40:56to come back
40:58in 20 years time we'll have the first
41:00generation of pensioners who can text
41:02each other I've got alzheim as man yeah
41:05you told me that like 20 times already
41:09man to balance the economy what we
41:11should do we should give pensional more
41:13money but only if they take up really
41:16dangerous
41:17sports here you go an extra 100 quid a
41:19week if you start quad biking Through
41:22Safari Parks wearing a suit made from
41:24Ham
41:27it's not how old you are physically is
41:29it it's how old you are mentally I mean
41:32my granny is what 83 but she has the
41:35mind of a
41:402-year-old just a joke she's
41:48dead next topic is Britain's Got Talent
41:53Frankie yeah I watched actually watched
41:56this series of Britain's Got Talent or
41:57as I think it should be renamed how
42:00bored are Britain's women and
42:05homosexuals Susan Bo Susan Bo to me
42:09looks like Gordon Brown playing Mrs
42:17dfire she was on Oprah Winfrey in
42:20America and they subtitled her and
42:23people in West Lan where she's from were
42:25absolutely horrified as many of them
42:27can't
42:30read she says she says that she's never
42:32been kissed and on that evidence alone
42:35Scotland's alcohol problems are not as
42:37bad as first thought
42:40[Applause]

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