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fobia social — Transcript

by Felca · 11,075 words · 1,574 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00I have social phobia. This is my
0:10diagnosis. This is the most sincere and
0:16difficult video I have ever made. I
0:18don’t know if I’ll post it yet, but
0:20if you’re seeing this, I did.
0:29>> My name is Felipe, you can call me
0:31Felkar. I am 27 years old. When I was
0:3312, I started getting bullied. At first
0:36it was name-calling, then it turned
0:38into physical aggression. I remember
0:40one day, though my bullies probably
0:43don't, when I was in the bathroom and
0:45five boys bigger and stronger than me
0:48beat me up. They didn't just hit me
0:50until I was tired, but until they were
0:53tired. That day, when the bell rang for
0:55the break, it ended the fun. They went
0:56to their classrooms and I stayed behind
0:58. I was in no condition. I locked
1:00myself in a stall and cried. I cried
1:02until all the pain was purged from my
1:05being. And it wasn't enough. I cried
1:09very little for how much I suffered.
1:11From 14 to 18, I just survived. I kept
1:15myself alive and that was all. When I
1:17thought about school the next day,
1:19there was so much fear, so much fear,
1:21that it became very tempting to just
1:24find a way to end it. End everything,
1:27end the suffering once and for all.
1:29This is the story of someone who
1:30suffered bullying. Just another one.
1:32When I finished high school, I had been
1:34beaten so much for so long, it was 8
1:36years, suffered so much, that I told my
1:39parents: "I'll make videos, whatever,
1:41but I won't be able to face college, I
1:43can't face another classroom." When I
1:46say social phobia, that is a very small
1:48and ridiculous term to portray those
1:50who suffer from it. What I’m going to
1:53say here is something I haven't told
1:55anyone, maybe not even myself. And why
1:58am I doing this? Because I don't want
2:01to leave without telling my story. I
2:05think it’s the biggest talk I’ve
2:06ever been to. A talk, perhaps,
2:10>> 2,000 people. Well, I’m nervous to go
2:12, but I’m trying not to think about
2:14it because I’ve already committed to
2:16it, right? So now getting nervous won't
2:19help much, since I’m already going, I
2:21can't cancel. And that's that. Let’s,
2:23let’s head there together. I remember
2:30a day I was in English class. The
2:32teacher asked what the meaning of the
2:33word was. I was about 14 years old. The
2:36teacher made everyone speak. I would
2:38never have spoken if I hadn't been
2:39forced to, but I knew the meaning of
2:41the word because of a little game about
2:42a bee that I played on the Dy Vision, a
2:44Super Nintendo knock-off we had at the
2:46time. I remember being in a circle with
2:48several people, overcome by an absurd
2:49knot in my stomach, waiting for my turn
2:51. And when it came, I remember
2:54summoning immense, immense courage, and
2:57I said: "Honey." After that, I heard a
2:59voice behind me that made everyone
3:01burst into laughter. It was a very
3:03pretty girl, she was even quite
3:04artistic, I remember her clearly. She
3:07said: "Wow, I'd never heard Felipe's
3:12voice before." Everyone laughed. I
3:15remember it wasn't a mean comment; it
3:17came from a place of innocence, a
3:19realization, geez, but it revealed a
3:21truth to me. I am invisible. Nothing of
3:27mine counts. There was a girl at my
3:29school, it wasn't the one from before.
3:31It was one I was in love with. Actually
3:32, she had curly hair, was blonde, and
3:35taller than me. I remember one day in
3:37the classroom, it was a cold day, it
3:39had those small wooden desks with a
3:41pull-out arm. But anyone who studied or
3:43studies in a school with those desks
3:45knows that if it falls at the right
3:46angle, you can't reach it because the
3:48arm part of the desk blocks you. One
3:50day my pencil case fell to the floor,
3:52it fell at that exact angle. I wasn't
3:54going to ask anyone, I was afraid.
3:56Until a girl next to me, of her own
3:58free will, saw it and bent down to pick
4:00it up and give it to me. And the girl I
4:02liked, who sat next to that girl,
4:04hugged her and whispered something in
4:06her ear. What wouldn't I have done to
4:10get to know her, man? She was special.
4:12I used to think, I would do anything
4:13for her to see me, everything. She
4:16thought I hadn't heard, but I did. It
4:19was self-explanatory. She said: "Don't
4:21pick it up, it's Felipe's." I heard the
4:24reply from the girl in front. She said:
4:26"Why?" And the girl I would have given
4:29my life for said: "It's disgusting."
4:31The girl in front stopped reaching for
4:33it and I was left without my pencil
4:34case. That was the beginning of my
4:36understanding of how those people saw
4:37me. And that is why this day was so
4:40important, how deluded and idiotic I
4:43was to allow myself to fall in love
4:45with a person who is disgusted by me.
4:47Am I disgusting? Why? I I took care of
4:51myself. But that is not enough. I I am
4:54disgusting. I cause disgust. To this
4:57day she thinks I didn't hear. I didn't
4:59have the courage to look at them. She
5:00probably doesn't even remember. I
5:01waited a few minutes to pick up my
5:03pencil case, so they wouldn't realize I
5:04noticed. I leaned down, grabbed my
5:06pencil case. That wasn't so absurd, it
5:08wasn't like getting beaten up in the
5:10bathroom, it was a day, that's all. But
5:12it was important to me and it left a
5:15mark because I had a realization.
5:18People used to despise me, insult me.
5:21Hit me, exclude me, not look at me, but
5:23none of them ever said what they
5:25actually felt for me. Right there I
5:27understood well what their feeling was.
5:32Disgust, that feeling you get when you
5:34see a rotten fruit, something spoiled.
5:38This same girl I was in love with, I
5:40was in love with her because she was
5:42tall and liked horses, man. And I like
5:45horses. But one day I was disillusioned
5:49for good. I forced myself to drown my
5:51passion, even though it was, even
5:53though it was very big. My passion
5:55isn't real. It will never amount to
5:57anything. It was the best and worst day
5:59of my life. How can that be? You'll
6:01understand. I was in the classroom and
6:03this girl sat not behind me, she sat
6:05next to me. But this girl I liked, and
6:07maybe she knew I liked her, I don't
6:09know. She sat behind me in one class.
6:13Until out of nowhere, for the first
6:16time in my life, I felt her touch. She
6:20started stroking my back, man. Like
6:23that, I melted completely. I was, I
6:26didn't understand, obviously. At first,
6:30I was like scared. What is going on? I
6:33laid down and just the feeling was very
6:37strong. I remember it to this day. She
6:39told me to stay quiet and she kept
6:41stroking my back the entire class.
6:43Until other girls came over to stroke
6:46my back. But I didn't I didn't
6:48understand what was happening. But at
6:51the same time I I didn't care about the
6:53others, I only cared about her. They
6:55continued until recess time, they kept
6:57running their hands over my back. And I
7:00remember thinking, man, maybe today
7:02everything changes for some reason I
7:04can't explain. I must have earned my
7:06respect with these people. When it was
7:10time for recess, I was still kind of
7:11shocked, I still couldn't interpret
7:13what was happening. I was soft, like
7:16when you really like someone and you
7:17just turn all mushy. That's how I was.
7:19At recess, I wanted to take off my
7:20hoodie. I always wore it, but it was so
7:23hot that day and I had a long-sleeve
7:25shirt on, so I was already hiding
7:26myself. But they didn't let me. Who are
7:31"they"? The girl I loved, who I had a
7:34crush on, who was petting me all class,
7:35and the strongest boy in the room. He
7:38was gigantic. He put his hand on my
7:41neck and said: "You're not taking it
7:43off." I asked: "Why? What is going on?"
7:46He grabbed me by the arm. On the other
7:48side, the girl I liked grabbed my other
7:50arm. And she was bigger than me. Both
7:51of them were bigger than me. They
7:53managed to lift me up and they carried
7:57me, dangling in the air, lifted in the
7:59air, all through the hallway. I didn't
8:04understand anything until they started
8:05yelling: "Who wants to buy stickers?"
8:09My back was full of stickers, and
8:11basically the affection was them and
8:14her sticking stickers on my back the
8:16whole class just to do this. I felt so
8:20much shame and so much fear because I
8:22couldn't get out of their grip. I
8:25struggled, but I couldn't get away.
8:27They were much stronger than I was.
8:29They took me down the whole hallway,
8:31down the stairs, and then into the
8:32courtyard, and they kept yelling: "Who
8:34wants to buy stickers?" The looks from
8:37everyone in the school watching were
8:40kind of divided. Some were laughing and
8:43others felt pity. An hour after going
8:47through the whole school and tired,
8:49they let me go. I went to the bathroom,
8:52locked myself in a stall, and cried. I
8:56cried so, so, so, so, so, so, so much.
8:59I cried to see if anything would change
9:01, but nothing would change. I have to
9:07go back tomorrow. It was the pain of
9:09what happened, mixed with the
9:11heartbreak of it being the girl I liked
9:13most in my life. Man, I was in the
9:16bathroom alone, taking the stickers off
9:19. There were so, so many. The bell rang
9:22and I had only removed about 10%. I
9:25skipped my next classes in the bathroom
9:26peeling off stickers alone. What hurt
9:32the most was my thought that there
9:34should be some kind of respect or
9:36consideration or affection from these
9:39people, but there never was. I am alone
9:43. And that's it. I'm going to a lecture
9:54today, to give a talk about, uh, I
9:57don't actually know much about what it
10:00is. They’re going to talk to me there
10:02, and I’ll answer their questions.
10:03I’m nervous, man. I won’t lie. That
10:05stuff makes you nervous, you know? And
10:09he went up to the second floor,
10:12>> but I think everything will be okay. I
10:13hope everything goes well, right?
10:14It’s really quick, too. A 40-minute
10:17talk. I already took some sedatives,
10:20man. Let’s go get the car. It gets
10:22there in no time. I never wanted to
10:34accept that I was being bullied. It
10:36took me a long time to accept it.
10:37It’s funny, actually. We hear so much
10:40about bullying in campaigns and movies,
10:42but when it happens to us, we downplay
10:44it. Oh, it’s not that big a deal.
10:46It’s all fine. They were just joking
10:48with me. But wait a minute, they
10:49won’t let me hang around. Oh, but
10:50they aren't that harsh. I’ve seen
10:52much worse cases. But wait, I’m
10:54terrified and I cry when I get home. Oh
10:57, I must be oversensitive. If I were
10:59more chill and didn't care so much,
11:00maybe they’d even accept me or be my
11:02friends, but they didn't even give me a
11:04chance. They hit me. I asked myself
11:07many times if what I went through was
11:09bullying or, I don't know, me being
11:10soft or just jokes. In my child's mind,
11:12it was easier to deal with lying to
11:14myself than to deal with the truth.
11:18Until something happened that
11:20completely broke me. I was in this
11:22cycle of going to school, being bullied
11:24, despised, excluded, and lying to
11:26myself that it wasn't that bad. One of
11:28the boys at school who was in my class,
11:30he was actually quite popular. He had
11:31friends, the girls liked him. I felt
11:34envious. It’s very easy to want a
11:36life you can’t even imagine what it's
11:38like. He showed me a piece of paper. It
11:41was in a friendly tone. He wasn't being
11:43cruel. It was a list where I was at the
11:46top of the names. My eyes scanned the
11:48names and I noticed a pattern. They
11:52were the undesirables above my name,
11:54and it said "most mocked people at
11:57school." The class, without me or other
12:01outcasts knowing. They made a list of
12:03the people who suffered the most
12:04bullying in the whole school, and I was
12:06at the top of it. At first, I didn't
12:07feel anything. I tried to laugh it off
12:10to play along, but he looked at me with
12:13pity. Until I went home and understood.
12:16It was never a joke, never friendship
12:19or me being soft. I am the person who
12:21suffers the most bullying at school.
12:24Based on people's opinions. It’s not
12:26just me who sees it. That was desperate
12:29. It’s not just me who sees it. It's
12:31not hidden. So, what do you do with
12:34that? I remember the feeling that the
12:36pain had no ceiling. I had no time to
12:38recover from one humiliation before
12:40another, worse one arose. How do you
12:42overcome that? Do you stay in it
12:44forever? Do you use it as fuel? Do you
12:46give up and let it define you? What is
12:49the way a 14-year-old child should look
12:51at this? I was alone. There was only me
12:55, my capacity to reflect, and time.
12:58Time would pass, I would remain, and my
13:00capacity to reflect would save me. The
13:02worst suffering is that which has no
13:04purpose. Viktor Frankl was at his home
13:06on an ordinary day until the doorbell
13:08rang. He was startled. Five minutes
13:09passed until the door was broken down.
13:11Three Nazi generals entered, took
13:13Viktor and the family living with him,
13:15and put them on a train. He had no idea
13:17where he was going. Viktor Frankl was a
13:19Jew in the Auschwitz holocaust. He saw
13:22his whole family entering through one
13:23door and himself entering through
13:24another. He didn't understand. He
13:26thought that eventually they would see
13:27each other. Until he looked above the
13:29door where his family entered and saw
13:31smoke. It was those deemed useless to
13:33the Nazis being incinerated. Viktor was
13:35tortured. He ate and slept almost
13:37nothing and worked hard. Mining coal.
13:40He was left in closed spaces with
13:41several other people sleeping on iron
13:43beds, exposed to the intense cold of
13:45Auschwitz. Death was common. Every day
13:48his friends died, were discarded, but
13:50he survived. Why? He was a Jewish
13:52psychiatrist. And when he looked around
13:54and realized where he was, he thought:
13:56"When I get out of here, I will write a
13:58book about what I'm living through."
14:00What strength he had to think that.
14:02After a long time, the war ended.
14:03Viktor and very few survivors were
14:05liberated. "Why him and not the many
14:07others who died?", he asked himself.
14:09Until he had a realization. It wasn't
14:11the book that made him survive; it was
14:13wanting to write the book, it was
14:15giving a purpose to that pain. That
14:18made him endure all kinds of things.
14:21Until he thought, beyond reporting what
14:23I lived, I will report the importance
14:24of having a purpose. He wrote the book
14:27Man's Search for Meaning and created
14:29logotherapy, the third Viennese school
14:31of psychotherapy. He argues that even
14:33in extreme suffering, it is possible to
14:36find meaning. That meaning is all that
14:38matters. If your life and all the pain
14:41and suffering you've been through have
14:43no purpose, your purpose is to search
14:45for a purpose.
14:51>> That's a lot of people, 2,000 people,
14:52man. It's because that place is
14:54different from Iguatemi, which is an
14:56event for many things. That event is
14:58like,
14:59>> like, it's kind of a booth, right? Like
15:01, it's various things and lectures.
15:04This one, as far as I understand it, is
15:05just lectures. So, like, everyone is
15:08going there to listen to people, you
15:10know?
15:10>> But well, I don't even know what I'm
15:11going to say.
15:13>> I haven't even gone over the agenda or
15:15anything.
15:16>> No. Oh, but just like the other one we
15:19did, he chats with you, he shows you
15:22like the
15:23>> Yeah, he must have faith, obviously.
15:29>> What is this event about? They said
15:32it's Wellness, but what is Wellness?
15:34>> Well-being. But what is well-being?
15:38Like, what does well-being encompass?
15:40Why am I going to speak?
15:41>> It's a conversation, but it's
15:43conversations from various people, from
15:45several different niches, you know?
15:47That contribute to this grand idea of
15:49improving, improving life.
15:51>> But what is my role?
15:53>> Well, it's your lecture.
15:56>> But why, like, I wonder, I don't know,
15:58a normal person, right? I'd rather
16:00listen to a nutritionist, about
16:02well-being, than Felca, who
16:04>> why? It's because I eat all wrong, I
16:07sleep all wrong.
16:08>> The cars, the badass cars over there.
16:11>> So it's like, what's it like in Felca's
16:13head, how does he deal,
16:14>> how does Felca deal with well-being?
16:16>> Sometimes something, because you're
16:17speaking as Felca, but you're speaking
16:19as a human being. So sometimes
16:21something makes sense in the head of a
16:23person who doesn't even work in that
16:24field. For people who work in the field
16:26, it will make more sense, but
16:27sometimes, for a person who doesn't, it
16:28will too.
16:30>> Faith, you know?
16:31>> Hmm. After I left school, what hurt the
16:37most looking back was the waste. The
16:41feeling of waste is terrible. Beyond
16:44the memories of what happened, the
16:46traumas, the social phobia that
16:47remained, what hurt the most was
16:49feeling that I wasted it. Today I'm 27
16:52years old. Let's face it, life when
16:54you're 14 is all about discovery. It's
16:56very different when you're 21 and older
16:58, when you've already discovered things
16:59. Feelings are more intense; everything
17:01is new and magical. The first
17:03girlfriend, the first kiss, the friends
17:06, going to pizza places to stuff your
17:08face with Coke and pizza, and having
17:10that girl in your friend group who you
17:12like, but she doesn't know. Then you
17:14confess your feelings and it works out,
17:16and you have your first little
17:17girlfriend. Or it doesn't work out, but
17:18she's still your friend and treats you
17:20with affection, and you keep hanging
17:22out. A story with pains, but a living
17:24story. For a long time, I felt that
17:27this was stolen from me. I was an
17:28accomplice to the theft. I don't even
17:30know if I have anyone to blame. And now
17:32there's no going back. I wasted my
17:34adolescence. It's funny to say that
17:36because we usually think of waste in
17:38terms of material things. Like, I
17:39bought a bunch of yogurt and it expired
17:41. What a waste. Wasting something is a
17:43crappy feeling. Now imagine when we
17:45feel like we’ve wasted our lives.
17:47When you just watched, when you didn't
17:49participate, when after growing up, you
17:50realize that childhood is the most
17:52precious asset you had. Adolescence is
17:55a banquet of experiences and adventures
17:57, but at that banquet, I was starving.
18:01I didn't even eat the leftovers. And
18:03when you look back, why? Because all
18:06the fear, all the apprehension; the
18:08banquet was there, nothing was stopping
18:10me, no one. I could have left my room
18:13at any moment, left my house, walked
18:15down the street, gone to the bakery,
18:18talked to the baker. That girl I was in
18:20love with in childhood and was so
18:22afraid that I never went to talk to her
18:23. Today, I don't even remember her face
18:26clearly. Where did all my fear lead me?
18:28What did it give me? You in your room,
18:31in your rented apartment, you cling to
18:33the idea that you will reincarnate and
18:36try again. Then you forget that idea
18:38and try to cling to the fact that it
18:39could have been worse. Oh, there are
18:42people with much bigger problems, but
18:43that doesn't outweigh your loss, it
18:45doesn't convince you. Then you cling to
18:47the idea that you can still catch up.
18:48You compare what is with what could
18:51have been, and you give up on any
18:53attachment and suffer. There is no
18:56turning back. It's over. This is the
18:59sensation of waste. The solution, the
19:02happy ending doesn't exist. To me, the
19:07greatest sin of bullying is that
19:09nothing happens after it. For the one
19:12who did it, but for the victim, what
19:13happens is a lifetime of compensation.
19:16It’s like someone breaking your
19:18favorite mug and you have to pick up
19:19the shards, glue every little piece
19:21together, and after the mug is all put
19:23back together, you get all excited to
19:25pour water in it and it leaks. There
19:28are still little holes, and you realize
19:30that after years of facing it and
19:32reflecting, the work is just beginning.
19:35That is social phobia. Today, unlike
19:37years ago, I can leave the house, I can
19:39speak in public, I can speak on a talk
19:41show, but I’ve set aside a video I
19:42recorded backstage at one of these
19:44shoots for you to see what’s
19:45happening to me at that moment.
19:48>> The other day something very strange
19:49happened to me. I was at a friend's
19:51house and he offered me
19:55>> Well, guys, I just wanted to show you,
19:57I'm here at a shoot. Every shoot, every
19:59time I go out in public, this is more
20:01or less how I get. resting heart rate.
20:07That is more or less what social phobia
20:09is. As much as I manage to face it, as
20:12much as I manage to go to things,
20:13internally I’m at 138, 140, 150 beats
20:15per minute. And man, this isn't just
20:17during shoots, it's whenever I go to,
20:19man, an event, whenever there's a
20:20recording. Today I’m here in the
20:22studio, right, but it's just the
20:23presence of people. So even when I go
20:25to the mall, even when I go to enter
20:26the lobby, it’s always like this,
20:28always. And no, it doesn’t go down.
20:30Basically, until I get back home, it
20:32will stay at this beats-per-minute rate
20:35constantly. This is very tiring, man.
20:38What you saw is the mug put together,
20:40the result
20:41>> and the water leaking out. Seems
20:43exhausting as hell, right? So why then
20:45would I go through all of this? Isn't
20:48it much easier to just stop trying,
20:50living for so long with fear, you
20:52understand it. Fear is just a lie that
20:56I create, I insist on creating. to not
20:59do what I have to do. I realized that,
21:01actually, absolutely everything I was
21:03afraid of was where I needed to be.
21:05Fear points to where I must go. It is a
21:07compass. If I’m afraid of making an
21:10adoption video and being chased like
21:11crazy because of it, receiving death
21:13threats, if I’m afraid of leaving the
21:15house, meeting people, it’s exactly
21:17what I must do. When I understood this,
21:19I realized that fear, actually, is a
21:21great friend. Today I use fear. To
21:23decide where I should go, what I should
21:25do. I basically decide based on what
21:27scares me the most, what brings the
21:29least comfort. In parallel, comfort is
21:31our enemy, man. It's death. Neither you
21:35nor I are those children anymore. We
21:37don't have all the time in the world to
21:39learn how to deal with fear. We are
21:41adults. Our parents don't have the same
21:43health as before. And someone in a
21:45hospital bed, they would give
21:47everything they have to be exactly as
21:49you and I are today. And before we even
21:51notice, it’s all gone. Krishna used
21:53to say that any action is better than
21:55inaction. A terrible day where you left
21:58the house, went to do something, lived,
22:00and it all went wrong is better than a
22:02day locked at home running from life.
22:06>> After all that chaos of the donations,
22:08where we went to everything, lectures,
22:10a bunch of stuff, and we got into this
22:12break, we didn't do anything, didn't
22:14leave the house, don't leave the house.
22:17It's always like that, you know, that's
22:20why I wanted to do more things now, you
22:23know?
22:23>> Yeah.
22:25>> Start accepting more things. Like, I
22:27get anxious before going, I get nervous
22:29, but when it's over, I feel good, you
22:31know? And then if I don't go, like the
22:34one I canceled, I canceled it because
22:36of that, you know? And then I feel bad,
22:39like, I didn't face it, you know?
22:41There's no part about feeling bad, then
22:43feeling good. I need my schedule to
22:46have outings, to do things, my days get
22:48fuller, you know?
22:49>> Uh-huh.
22:51>> Because then I don't spend too much
22:52time stopping, thinking nonsense, then
22:53I get into these vortexes; if I were
22:55going out, doing a bunch of things,
22:59>> going to events, going to bars, I don't
23:01know, anything, these existential
23:03crises, these head trips, they wouldn't
23:05exist, you know?
23:08>> I think it has to be measured, I won't
23:10do a whole day of stuff. Today I can go
23:14calmly, I can't.
23:15>> It's like
23:16>> at Roda Viva itself. I spent two days
23:18without sleeping, beat.
23:20>> Exactly. So, like, interleaving so that
23:24you can continue doing the things you
23:26have to do, which are more, like,
23:28internal, etc. Yeah, that's it. Exactly
23:32there.
23:33>> Exactly. And being able to go out as
23:35well without one thing affecting the
23:37other,
23:37>> finding a balance.
23:39>> Yeah, exactly.
23:40>> Look at the man digging a hole. After
23:46school, I saw myself at home. I was
23:48chill, comfortable. Ah, that's just my
23:51way. I’ve already tried, it didn’t
23:52work out. I’ll just accept that I’m
23:54more reserved, more to myself. I was in
23:56a shitty place, really, but it was so
23:58warm and cozy. It was a day like any
24:00other, I was on my computer, until my
24:02older brother came up to me and said: "
24:04Lip, I need your help." What do you
24:06mean? It wasn't normal for my brother
24:07to ask for help. I’m in a lot of pain
24:08and I need to go to the hospital and I
24:10won't be able to. I need you to drive.
24:12Everything stopped. I remember the
24:14feeling well, a knot in my stomach. I
24:16wasn't even really listening to what he
24:17was saying anymore. I hadn't left the
24:19house for months. And I'll be honest,
24:21man, it’s embarrassing to say this.
24:22But my biggest worry wasn't his pain or
24:25what it might be, it was facing an
24:27environment with people. And look at
24:29the level of the illness. What if I
24:33don't know how to explain, don't know
24:34where to go, and if I mess up and
24:36people see and laugh or think I'm wrong
24:38? Look at how silly that is. My brother
24:40is the one who usually handled these
24:41things. He handles things, but he was
24:43groaning in pain. I don't know if I can
24:45do it. Look at the state I'm in. I
24:46won't be able to, but I need to be able
24:48to. And he would do it for me. I won't
24:51do it for him. Why is it so hard? Is it
24:53normal for it to be this hard? I spent
24:54those 15 minutes driving to the
24:56hospital thinking about how it was
24:57going to be. Every possible scenario
24:59was created in my head until I arrived.
25:00I talked to the reception, explained
25:02the situation, stuttering, but the lady
25:03managed to understand everything. They
25:05rushed my brother in. I remember the
25:07day, sitting there next to his gurney,
25:09I started feeling sick, I had to be
25:11treated and my heart rate just from
25:13being there among people was 140 beats
25:15per minute. We spent the whole day at
25:17the hospital on IVs, they gave me a
25:18sedative and we went back home. I felt
25:20like crying. I thought: "How deep is
25:22the hole I'm in." I felt ashamed to be
25:25like this. Man, I almost didn't make it
25:27. I mean, I did it, I made it, but I
25:29wasn't really there. I felt sick, I
25:31needed to be treated. Did I actually
25:34manage it? I was afraid, but this time
25:36a bigger fear than people. I was afraid
25:38of what if something happens to my mom,
25:40if something happens to my dad, and if
25:42when I have a wife, something happens
25:44to my wife. If I have a child, and
25:46something happens to my child. That's
25:47when I said, "This is the last time.
25:49Those I love won't be able to count on
25:52me." Good afternoon.
25:59>> Hello, good afternoon. How are you?
26:01Let's go.
26:03>> Hello, how's it going? How are you?
26:05>> Nice to meet you. Okay. All good.
26:07>> Doing well. It’s going to be a lot
26:09here. Are you going to interview a lot
26:10of people here, or just me?
26:11>> Just you.
26:12>> Just me.
26:13>> Straight to the main guest.
26:14>> Nice. Cool. I am the main guest.
26:17>> Yeah, I think so.
26:18>> Not at all. Not at all.
26:19>> How tall are you, my friend?
26:21>> 6'5 ". But I wear heels too
26:25>> to humiliate them more, right?
26:26>> Yeah. So when it's about an hour,
26:28we’ll chat, right?
26:30>> Whenever you want.
26:30>> 40 minutes of talk, right?
26:33>> One hour.
26:34>> No, but Felca, I think we have plenty
26:36of questions there, man. That
26:39conversation we had online, having that
26:41with a bit more substance, that's great
26:43.
26:44>> Oh, yeah. No, I’ll talk, I’ll talk.
26:45>> No, we definitely occupy the space.
26:47I’ll start by asking you about the
26:48weather.
26:49>> Good. No, I’ll talk about the weather
26:52, about family, how is the family?
26:54>> Eh, I came here, arrived at the event,
26:56right? I’m talking to the people
26:58there, they’re asking for photos and
26:59all that. And it's cool, the people.
27:01It's nice, they're treating me well.
27:05But I, I get a bit, I don't know if, if
27:07it shows, you'll notice. I get a bit, a
27:10bit stuck, you know? Because I don't
27:12really know how to react and the people
27:14, I don't know what they expect, you
27:16know? How I, how I should react. And so
27:18I end up reacting in my own way. And
27:21some like it, right? Some people think
27:22it's cool precisely because of that,
27:24that I react in my own way. But that
27:25comes, that comes from a place of me
27:26not knowing how to react, you know? I
27:28don't know if there's a right way to
27:30react, so it ends up, it ends up
27:31working out. I wish I didn't feel this
27:33fear
27:34>> and this pressure and this nervousness,
27:36because then I could enjoy it, you know
27:38? Like, man, I'm meeting people, I'm
27:41talking to people, I could enjoy it
27:42more and not be like," Oh, will I react
27:43? "Am I reacting well? Are they liking
27:47what I'm saying? I wanted to turn that
27:49off in my head, you know? Well, that's
27:53it, that's it. Thanks there. Thank you.
27:58>> The struggle for those with social
27:59phobia, mental disorders, ADHD, autism,
28:01or borderline personality is double. We
28:03are not defined by the labels given to
28:05us, we are defined by the spirit we
28:07have. When you have a mental disorder,
28:10you are below zero. You have to work
28:12very hard just to reach zero, where
28:13other people already are. But the
28:16moment you reject that, reject the
28:17comfort, you start acting toward what
28:19your spirit always wanted you to be.
28:22And no problem, no killjoy can take
28:25that away from you. It is possible, and
28:27that has to be enough. But from this
28:29experience, I learned something. Is
28:31life just this? A closed door, a
28:34computer to forget you exist, days
28:36passing without leaving any memory; a
28:38month goes by, a year goes by. Is this
28:40life, the life they say out there is
28:42beautiful? You live adventures and
28:45experiences. That's it. Social phobia
28:47in its essence is a fear of life. I
28:50want to live the life they call life.
28:53And from now on, I not only want to, I
28:55will. Even if I'm sweating, shaking,
28:57even if my heart rate hits 500, I will.
29:01>> Well, guys, we're going to the lecture
29:03now. We're going to pass by a lot of
29:05people because it's a mall, we'll go
29:06through the mall. So, I think that's it
29:08, right? Let's see how it goes. When
29:15you're going to do When you're going to
29:17do that, for example, you did that
29:21Virginia document, do you get nervous
29:23too, or since it's more intellectual,
29:24you don't?
29:27>> Not much, because, like, for that
29:28Virginia piece, we had documents.
29:30>> And I have it here too, okay?
29:32>> Oh, here you should feel at home. So,
29:34>> that. Uh-huh.
29:35>> So when it's, let me see, now it's
29:38>> 1:00, but it's about 1:00,
29:40>> okay? So around 1:15 we'll head down to
29:43the stage, all right?
29:45>> Plenary, okay? Thank you, guys. Thank
29:46you, see?
29:47>> I'm going to test this here, okay? R
29:48>> With or without glasses? What do you
29:50think? We can send it to Way, right? To
29:53check the look.
29:54>> I need a little box for sound. Come,
29:56João.
29:56>> Can I lower this a little bit?
29:58>> No. Looking like this.
30:08>> Thank you, okay? We're going in now,
30:10we'll head down a secret passage over
30:12there and arrive at the stage. So the
30:14stage will be here to our right and
30:16you'll be sitting in the chairs right
30:17here in front. Deal?
30:19>> Let's go.
30:19>> Let's go. Don't mess this up for me,
30:21okay?
30:21>> Let's go.
30:22>> Don't, don't screw me over with the
30:23audience questions, okay?
30:25>> Let's go. I need to go to the bathroom.
30:27Real quick, real quick. It's right here
30:29. The first one
30:40>> do you think there will be that little
30:43area where people go to chat?
30:44>> Ah, probably. If it's the same event, I
30:47think the idea should be kind of
30:52similar. The last time I went, I was
30:58very drunk. Today I haven't had
31:00anything to drink.
31:02>> Second talk, you drink.
31:04>> Yeah. Worse is that alcohol at the same
31:11time, like, while it takes away your
31:13anxiety, it also gives you a bit of
31:15anxiety too. Yeah.
31:16>> Because you're afraid you might be
31:17saying something stupid, you know?
31:19>> Yeah. And then without something you
31:22know everything that
31:23>> even if in that moment you don't feel
31:25it as much as you would, afterwards it
31:27comes exponentially, you know?
31:30>> You keep thinking, man, did I say
31:32something?
31:33>> It goes to infinity, you know?
31:39>> I'm 28 years old. Whenever I needed to
31:43go out, I would take this flask here,
31:45look. I would drink three shots at home
31:48, more or less. I filled this flask
31:51with vodka and would keep drinking as I
31:53felt I still couldn't manage. Every
31:55show I went to, I had it with me in my
31:57pocket. When I realized it, I was
32:00dependent on it to go out. I don't like
32:03alcohol, to be honest. The taste, the
32:05feeling. I never drank when I was alone
32:07, comfortable. I drank only to face
32:10people. When I started doing shows
32:12every week, events, collabs,
32:14partnerships, I saw myself as an
32:15alcoholic. Because of that, one day
32:18something very traumatic happened. It's
32:20the first time I'm talking about this,
32:21okay? About two years ago, more or less
32:23, I posted a video called" I tested
32:24Virginia's body splash. "For the end of
32:26the video, I had the idea to interview
32:28people on the street. The idea was to
32:29spray the body splash on the microphone
32:31head and let people smell it. Nothing
32:33much, a lighthearted joke, but it
32:35involved people. I was in Londrina at
32:37that time, years without leaving the
32:39house. It was before I went to any show
32:41, podcast, interview, anything. I tried
32:45one day at the mall to record, I
32:47couldn't get the courage, tried another
32:49, another, until I decided to drink.
32:52That was more or less the first day I
32:53realized that alcohol gave me this
32:55power I didn't have, the power to leave
32:57the house. I remember I drank more or
32:59less half a bottle of vodka. I took the
33:02flask with me, filled it up, and kept
33:03drinking more on the way. Arriving at
33:05the mall, I held a canteen in my hand,
33:07which is even dusty now, I’m not
33:09using it anymore. I remember being in
33:11the car and spending about two hours
33:13working up the courage to get out and
33:14interview people. Time passes very
33:17slowly when you’re afraid. There’s
33:20nothing that makes you feel smaller
33:22than hearing people outside laughing
33:24with friends while you’re hiding,
33:27running away alone, building up courage
33:29, drinking in the garage, in the
33:31parking lot, in a closed car to work up
33:34the nerve to do something that was
33:36supposed to be easy. I got out of the
33:39car to record with the camera and
33:41microphone in my hand when the floor
33:43already looked like liquid. I saw
33:45everything blurred, I was staggering.
33:47In those clips that aired, I was
33:49completely drunk. The recording lasted
33:51all day because I was afraid to
33:52approach people. I kept building up
33:54courage constantly. I kept getting
33:56drunker and drunker because I was
33:58drinking all day, until finally I
33:59managed to record. It wasn’t perfect.
34:02I didn't really face anything. I
34:04poisoned myself, I ran away once again.
34:08I’m ashamed, humiliated, but I
34:12managed to record. I went back home.
34:15When I arrived, I had been out all day
34:17without eating and drinking all day
34:19long. I lay on the floor and passed out
34:22. I got up after about 30 minutes to
34:24vomit. I managed to reach the bathroom,
34:26sort of crawling, and when I threw up
34:28the rest of the alcohol that hadn't
34:30been digested, my blood pressure
34:31dropped. My body was at its limit. I
34:33passed out again, but this time while
34:35standing. I didn’t feel anything but
34:38an impact without pain, but it made a
34:41very loud noise. I’m 6'5". I fell to
34:45the side and hit my arm against my body
34:48. And when I tried to get up, I
34:50couldn't. Because of the
34:51alcohol-induced confusion, I didn’t
34:53know exactly what had happened, but I
34:55remember I had a feeling that things
34:57had gone wrong. I slept there and the
34:59next day, I woke up on the bathroom
35:01floor, hungover, in that whole
35:02situation. When I tried to get up, I
35:06remember a very sharp pain took over my
35:10entire back. I dragged myself to grab
35:13my phone and called my parents. Thank
35:15you, Mom and Dad, for always helping me
35:17when I screw up and not judging me. I
35:19just had a cool video idea and wanted
35:21to record it. They took me to the
35:23hospital and it was the most painful
35:25car ride I’ve ever had in my life. I
35:27came out sober. The pain screamed much
35:30louder than the fear. I found it ironic
35:32. It’s as if my social phobia said: "
35:34If you won't leave the house willingly,
35:36you'll leave the hard way." Arriving
35:37there, the diagnosis: two broken ribs.
35:41The doctor said I was very close to
35:43puncturing an organ. He said the rib is
35:45the worst bone to break, because you
35:47can't bandage it; you have to heal it
35:49while you're breathing. It has to
35:51calcify in that constant motion. Two
35:52months taking morphine. I thought about
35:55a few things as I watched the little
35:57drop of morphine falling into the IV,
35:59going straight into my vein with my
36:02father by my side. For so many people,
36:05they would just have the idea and go
36:07out to film. They’d return home to
36:09rest, probably with someone, because
36:11they wouldn't be alone. And here I am
36:14in the hospital because of my social
36:17phobia or my inability to deal with it.
36:21Did it have to be this way? The people
36:23who beat me up so much when I was a
36:25child probably didn't even think about
36:29me afterwards. Has the morphine kicked
36:33in yet? They're out there with their
36:35own problems. Some must have gotten
36:37married and had kids by now. I’m
36:40going home alone today, with a cocktail
36:42of meds to take for months. Now alone
36:46here thinking, with my father in the
36:48room, who is the only one who is with
36:50me whenever I need him. I don't know if
36:54the bullying was really that necessary.
36:56I don't know if, ah, it had to be like
36:58this. I don't know. They could have
37:00just thought about not doing it, tried
37:01to get to know me. Just a day of, ah, I
37:04don't know. I think today I'll talk to
37:06him. Hmm, it doesn't seem that hard to
37:09reach that point. And what do I gain
37:11from this rationalization? It’s not
37:13even giving me any comfort. All that
37:15matters now is waiting for the morphine
37:17to kick in. It’s unfair that I’m
37:18here. Is it my fault or theirs? What
37:23does it matter? Playing the victim
37:25doesn't make the pain go away, nor does
37:27it help the rib heal. Today I have to
37:30go home, change my clothes, shower, eat
37:32, take the meds the doctor prescribed,
37:35sleep, wake up, and get on with life.
37:37Feeling like you're a victim. Doesn't
37:43change a damn thing. That day I swore
37:45to stop drinking until I had booked my
37:47first show in my life, and on the day
37:49of filming I realized I wouldn't make
37:50it without it, and all the others I
37:52went to after that. A warrior fighting
37:56fake wars. That’s more or less how I
37:59felt. The comfort of, well, at least
38:01I'm managing to go film and do things,
38:04didn't really stick after I went three
38:06days without drinking and felt my whole
38:08body shaking. Alcohol treats you well,
38:11it gives you one just to take 10 away
38:13later. Where it wins the bargain is
38:16that those measly one it gives you now.
38:20I managed to win today, but damn it,
38:22man. I know the pain it is. If you are,
38:26I'm sorry, man, from the bottom of my
38:28heart. What good do I take from all of
38:30this? Nothing that comes from my mouth,
38:33because this video is what I take from
38:35it. And it's not because of alcohol
38:37that I'm making it. I'm sober right now
38:39while I'm talking to you. It's because
38:41of the confrontation that I make it.
38:43Some things are just difficult. And
38:47then, I was about 14 years old and for
39:11the first time the idea of suicide
39:14wasn't so absurd anymore. and it even
39:17became attractive. I could end the
39:21cycle of pain. I wouldn't suffer any
39:24more humiliation and I could forget the
39:26memories that hurt me. Besides, I would
39:30be taken seriously in my head, I would
39:33be validated. That was so attractive,
39:37being taken seriously, having your pain
39:40taken into consideration. The times I
39:43summoned immense courage to tell
39:46someone I was suffering, "Oh, nonsense,
39:49it'll pass, you're just being dramatic.
39:51" I kept imagining the teachers and
39:57instructors who wouldn't even look at
40:00the bullying I suffered. They pretended
40:02it didn't exist so they wouldn't have
40:04to deal with it or make the school look
40:06bad. They would give lectures acting
40:09proud, saying it was the school with
40:11the least bullying in Londrina. Those
40:14specific lectures made me feel very
40:16alone, because it was the school with
40:19the least bullying in Londrina. But
40:21what am I then? What am I going through
40:24? So I don't exist? What am I? What I'm
40:29going through isn't bullying? What is
40:32it? Me arriving in the classroom to
40:36announce that I'm not here anymore. I
40:40would spend the night before going to
40:42school imagining the faces of the
40:44people who hit me, how they would react
40:46. Wait a minute. So what we were doing
40:49actually hurt? It was real, it wasn't a
40:54joke, it wasn't the suffering was real,
41:03it existed. I don't know where I'm
41:05going. I was afraid of that, but what
41:08comforted me was that this pain
41:10wouldn't exist. If another one existed,
41:13at least not this one. That was what I
41:17thought. It's not just the physical
41:20pain of the bruises, the wounds, that I
41:23hid with long sleeves, with heavy
41:25hoodies, it was the pain of humiliation
41:28, the shame of having no one to tell.
41:31Eating alone at recess is damn
41:33embarrassing. It feels like everyone is
41:36looking at you, and every now and then,
41:37they really are. People know that you
41:40are out of place. People can tell that
41:43you don't fit in. I felt that. I felt
41:47that people could tell, mostly because
41:50they made a point of making that
41:53perception very clear. Spending class
41:56time in a locked bathroom stall,
41:58listening to the sound of my breathing;
42:01spending class time in a locked
42:03bathroom stall, listening to the sound
42:05of your breathing. And, through the
42:10cold walls of the porcelain toilet or
42:12the plaster of the stalls, it makes you
42:14feel that suicide isn't a break in life
42:17, it’s a continuation. You’re
42:23already dead. It makes me realize that
42:26I don’t exist. Feeling like you have
42:32no importance at all, that your opinion
42:38is irrelevant, that your personality,
42:41quirks, traits, everything that makes
42:44me, me, isn't worth noting. How wrong I
42:50was. How much I was lying to myself,
42:55how little I knew. If I could go back
42:59to that time and talk to myself, I’d
43:02enter the bathroom, knock on the door
43:04politely, sit on the floor, and wait
43:06for the child inside to find the
43:08courage to open the door, and I’d
43:11give myself a challenge. Time passed,
43:16and here I am. If I went back to where
43:19you are, I would do it all again. I
43:26wouldn’t save you. I wouldn’t save
43:30you, because who you became makes up
43:32for any pain. Thank you for enduring
43:36and not stopping the suffering, for not
43:38doing the shitty thing of stopping the
43:40suffering. And if you’ll allow me a
43:44cliché, the bigger the storm, the
43:46bigger the rainbow. Believe me, you
43:49won’t suffer for anything anymore
43:50once you get out of this pit. Nothing
43:52will shake you again. You will face
43:55everything and pass every test laughing
43:58and giving thanks. You will never again
44:01feel grief, never again succumb to fear
44:03. The pain will give you everything you
44:05need. It’s a more than fair trade.
44:08And I don’t expect you to understand
44:10what I’m saying. Go home and rebel,
44:13man. Rebel. But endure. I cannot pull
44:20you out of there. Without all the pain
44:23you felt, I wouldn’t be me. Forgive
44:26my selfishness, but I like being me.
44:31That’s why I’m stopping and
44:32restarting the recording, because I
44:34keep leaving to blow my nose and drink
44:35water, okay? It’s going to be tough.
44:38I can’t give up who I am because of
44:41your tearful face. As much as it breaks
44:46my heart, one day you will be me and
44:52you will understand. Your school isn't
44:54the classroom, it's this bathroom. It's
45:03here that you're learning what no
45:04teacher will ever be able to teach you,
45:08endurance. And man, I'm so glad that
45:12kid didn't end his own life, man. If he
45:15had killed himself, I wouldn't have
45:16traveled by plane, I wouldn't have
45:18kissed anyone, I wouldn't have met many
45:20people I loved. I wouldn't know how to
45:22play guitar, nor would I know that
45:23piano isn't for me. I wouldn't have
45:25beaten The Last of Us Part II. I
45:27wouldn't have read books that changed
45:29my mind, seen movies that impacted me,
45:31made me cry, found my own style. I
45:33wouldn't know how to drive, I wouldn't
45:35have built my first Lego, I wouldn't
45:36know how to celebrate alone and walk
45:38around the house naked. I wouldn't have
45:40met the amazing people I did, had
45:42conversations I never forgot, I
45:43wouldn't have earned my first paycheck,
45:46gone to my first party, even if it
45:47wasn't a debutante ball. I wouldn't
45:50have discovered my passion for speaking
45:51, wouldn't have had the frustration of
45:53failing on five channels, wouldn't have
45:55started this channel, then another.
45:57then another, I wouldn't have made the
45:59impact I made on some people, nor
46:01realized that passion overcomes any
46:03frustration, anything. I wouldn't have
46:05had my first public presentation, nor
46:07the tenth. My first fan meetup, I
46:09wouldn't have read the first fan letter
46:12, nor the hundreds that came after, and
46:14realized that it's something you never
46:16get used to. I wouldn't have appeared
46:19on TV for the first time, nor for the
46:21tenth. I wouldn't have pushed for a law
46:24in my country, nor heard someone I
46:26admire saying they admire me. I
46:29wouldn't have inspired people who do
46:31what they do because I did what I did.
46:34I wouldn't have realized that nobody
46:35really knows what they're doing,
46:37including those people who used to beat
46:38me up. They wouldn't have apologized
46:43years later and I wouldn't have
46:45forgiven them. You're a real idiot to
46:46even consider this. You're crazy, man.
46:50Suicidal ideation is a very good liar.
46:53It says the right words you want to
46:54hear when you're in pain, but it's the
46:56biggest lie you can imagine. Because it
46:59doesn't show you who you will be when
47:01you overcome the pain. It hides the
47:03words you need to hear. All it wants is
47:06to destroy you, to rip away your chance
47:08. And when you're at rock bottom, it's
47:10the only and the greatest treasure you
47:13have. That chance is enough. No matter
47:16the size of your suffering, endure.
47:19Endure to the extreme, because you will
47:21only understand when you can look back
47:23from further down the road. You won't
47:25be afraid of death threats, nor of
47:26doing what you believe in. You won't
47:28care about anything they say about your
47:30appearance, or about you. You won't
47:31care about criticism, about hate. You
47:33will have fun with life and everything
47:35it can give you. And many will love you
47:37. You will inspire, you will bring
47:39meaning and plant flowers in people.
47:41You will be seen and you will feel that
47:43way. They will take care of you, give
47:46you gifts, they will say you are
47:48important. Important, man. Do you have
47:51any idea what it’s like to hear
47:52you’re important? Today I am happy.
47:54Not because I have many pleasures,
47:55because I don't believe happiness is in
47:57that. Greater than any award, honor,
48:00title, isolation, humiliation,
48:02suffering, these are the greatest gifts
48:05I've received in my life. But how could
48:07that child understand? He's just a
48:10child. Endure it and let time do what
48:21it does. Transformation. What an irony,
48:26man. Crying while saying I don't suffer
48:30. But it's a cry of happiness. My
48:40brother, stop filming there, man.
48:43That's enough, man. Real quick, man.
48:45Let me take a quick leak. Wow, it's low
48:50here. One thing we have to tell them.
48:52Finish, leave.
48:54>> I'll sit over there.
48:55>> Yeah, please.
48:56>> I can't stay here behind the stage.
48:57Wait to be called. stay here then
49:00>> I'll keep encouraging myself, okay?
49:30Guys, thank you. No, but it's not even
49:55full, man.
49:57>> It's not even full, man. I think they
49:59hyped it too much. People didn't really
50:00want to see me, huh? Did people say
50:08like, "Fel flopped"?
50:10>> Of course not, man.
50:12>> You think so, man?
50:13>> Nobody thinks that.
50:14>> But there are so many people there. And
50:16the subject I'm here for, because this
50:18event, honestly, doesn't draw many
50:19people. I don't know where they got
50:21that, I already said
50:23>> no, I think three thousand people in a
50:26booth and four 400 people if it's an
50:29event
50:30>> not the whole event, but here they said
50:31it's 400 people because it's going to
50:33be packed and it’s going to be packed
50:34for my cause. And here it is, guys.
50:38>> They they didn't want to see me. That's
50:40the logic.
50:41>> No, no.
50:43>> Ah, no problem either. I speak to fewer
50:45people, it has more impact.
50:49>> It's just that I really can't do his
50:51event. I knew it from the start, right?
50:54Man, for you and it just isn't, right?
50:58And screw it, you know? for us to have
51:26this conversation. But screw it, I'm
51:35scared as hell, but screw it. I'm
51:44terrified. F. The only way to actually
52:07solve social phobia, to face it, to
52:10overcome social phobia, is through
52:12exposure. Actually, that is the only
52:15way for you to deal with fear. You
52:17can't deal with fear in theory, by
52:19reading books about fear. It doesn't
52:22work. The only real way to solve it,
52:26especially, is what I'm doing right
52:29here, being in a place where people are
52:33looking at me, seeing how I gesture,
52:36seeing how I speak within myself. And
52:41everything is so...my heart is beating
52:44fast, I'm nervous, I want to leave, I
52:47want to run away, but I'm here facing
52:49it, I'm standing still, facing and
52:52feeling this fear. And when you feel
52:56this fear, you realize that it doesn't
52:58mean that much. I have social phobia,
53:02I'm here, I'm speaking, and you are
53:04listening to me. So, fear is just a
53:09sign, a small sign that can be passed,
53:12you can pass through it, but really the
53:15only way to face fear is by facing it.
53:24If your story had pain, if you have
53:26suffered bullying or are suffering,
53:27don't try to pretend it didn't happen,
53:29don't tell yourself: "Oh, it wasn't
53:31that bad." No humiliation where another
53:34person subjugates another for the sheer
53:35pleasure of subjugating is "not that
53:37bad." And you went through it. Speak up
53:40. If not with someone, record videos
53:42like I did. Tell the world, cry as much
53:44as you need, feel all the injustice you
53:46lived through. And only then, after
53:48this catharsis, do I believe you can
53:50reframe everything you went through. My
53:52pain was not in vain. Everything
53:54contributed to me being here talking to
53:56you, that this doesn't have to be the
53:57end of your story. If we don't do
53:59anything about bullying, many more
54:01children will find it seductive to end
54:03their own lives. I wanted to make an
54:05appeal to parents. When your child
54:07suffers bullying, they only have you,
54:08only you to protect them. So, when your
54:11child reports something like what I
54:13said here from someone who has social
54:15phobia, what I recommend you say to
54:16this child, to your son/daughter, is
54:18you have to face it. Stop your crying.
54:21You have to go. Oh, are you making
54:22drama to not go to school? If they
54:24insist a lot, expose them by force, or
54:26better, compare them to friends who are
54:28more outgoing. The brother who doesn't
54:29have these tantrums. The little cousin
54:31who is more outgoing. In this way, you
54:33will provide everything needed to
54:35create a completely dysfunctional
54:37person and ensure that this child's
54:38story becomes that of millions of
54:40adults who can't leave their homes. You
54:42, mom and dad, have solidified social
54:45phobia this way. You taught the child's
54:47brain that feeling fear is wrong. You
54:49made them feel completely alone. Alone
54:52outside, at school, and inside the
54:54house. Don't be surprised if they
54:56become extremely closed off from you.
54:59This is the most important part of the
55:01video and was placed only at the end
55:03because the curious ones have already
55:04left and you stayed. After I posted
55:06about the addiction and everything that
55:08happened, I shut myself in. I really
55:10stopped leaving the house. When they
55:13invited me, "Hey man, let's go out,"
55:15for a lecture I really wanted to attend
55:17, I felt all the fear I thought I had
55:19faced. Coming back, I realized that the
55:22social phobia is still all here. I
55:24didn't truly face it; I faced it in a
55:25fake way, because that's what alcohol
55:27does, it makes you live a fake life.
55:29The years go by, I'm getting older,
55:32I'll be 28 later this month. And with
55:34aging, the pain of running away
55:36increases. Until when? Either I accept
55:39that I am like this and let life slip
55:41away, or I face this demon once and for
55:44all. Whatever it takes. If you're still
55:47here, it's because you relate to this.
55:50You're shy, found yourself alone, in
55:52your 20s or 30s, never had a group of
55:54friends, never dated, watching everyone
55:56else living life, going out, making
55:58memories, and you locked at home.
56:01There's a Jim Carrey movie called Yes
56:03Man. A guy who said much more no than
56:05yes. No to the candy seller, no to the
56:07Mandarin course. At one point, he
56:09joined a group where he had to say yes
56:10to everything. This transformed his
56:12life. He started going out much more,
56:14meeting new people, living adventures
56:16he never imagined he would live.
56:18Actually, this movie came from a book
56:19called Yes Man and the guy really did
56:21it. It's kind of based on a true story.
56:23It might not be ideal, it's radical,
56:24but it's what I want to propose,
56:26because the disease of shyness is
56:27radical. The brain takes more or less,
56:30according to psychology, 90 days to
56:32break a habit. Thinking about that, I
56:35looked at a project that I think is
56:37perfect for you and me to overcome
56:39shyness or social phobia once and for
56:41all. I called it "sinfel" just because
56:43it felt like it would be a bit off.
56:46This project is a three-month challenge
56:48that basically boils down to us saying
56:50yes to every opportunity to leave the
56:51house and face things, meet as many
56:53people as possible, things we didn't
56:55want to do, desensitization. And when
56:58we go out, you and I, we post a story
57:00with the hashtag #sinfel. I am very
57:02reserved with my personal life. I post
57:04one or two stories a week when I
57:06actually post. I don't really use
57:08Instagram in general, you know? I will
57:09post absolutely everything on my
57:10stories when I go out, with no filters
57:12at all. As for me, I'll take a photo
57:13when I look cute. No, man, I'm going to
57:15show everything and I'll repost you so
57:17you can appear to millions of people
57:19and commit publicly. Besides, if I post
57:21your #sinfel on my stories, more people
57:23will feel that there are others in this
57:25too. I know it's scary, man, but trust
57:28me. If it scares your shyness, it's
57:29because it's the right path. This
57:32weekend, man, get out of the house and
57:33go anywhere, even if it's alone. Go at
57:36your own pace. Only we will know it's a
57:38challenge. Whatever I'm invited to, I'm
57:40just going to go. Invite me to things.
57:42If you have something to invite me to,
57:44I don't know, man, a wedding, a
57:45barbecue, a tea party, send me a DM on
57:47Insta. I'll go shaking with fear, but
57:49I'll go. I truly think I'll feel more
57:51comfortable knowing you're following me
57:53. Today, as I record this video, it's
57:55been about 5 months since I left the
57:56house. The last time I went out was for
57:58an awards show. I need to leave the
58:00house to get my body used to the fact
58:02that it's okay, that there's no danger.
58:04No one represents a danger anymore. My
58:06expectation is to finish these three
58:09months completely comfortable in any
58:11social environment I go to. It's going
58:14to be hard just thinking about it, it
58:15makes me want to lock myself in my room
58:16, but I have you guys. Now you're going
58:18to see me doing everything and you'll
58:19be right there with me. I'm going on
58:20podcasts because I was afraid of
58:22talking. I'm going on TV because I was
58:23afraid of being seen. I'm going into
58:25fashion because I had issues with my
58:27image. I was called to appear in
58:29fashion magazines. I almost said yes.
58:31Do people really want to see photos of
58:33me making faces, striking poses, you
58:35know? Kind of, I don't know, fake. I'm
58:37trying to look cute and badass in a
58:40suit. Wow, but man, I’ve been called
58:42a scrawny lizard my whole life. I
58:44don’t believe in the image I'm trying
58:46to project. But I did it even while
58:48insecure and had support. It’s like
58:52that slightly crazy friend who comes up
58:54with ideas saying: "Dude, I'm thinking
58:56about taking up canoeing.""I’m going
58:57to start canoeing professionally.""I
58:59want to be the best damn canoer.""I’m
59:02going to try to go to the Olympics one
59:03day, I’m going to canoe like crazy."
59:04And another friend, even thinking it's
59:06a crazy trip, helps the guy buy an oar
59:08and says: "I’m with you, man."
59:09Regardless of what you decide to do,
59:11maybe he'll go canoeing and hate it,
59:13but that friend won't say: "See?""I
59:15told you so," he says: "Ah, I don't
59:16know, try something else." That’s
59:18what life is for. That’s how I feel
59:19about you guys. I used to make comedy
59:21videos before, locked in my room. Then
59:22I had that experience with my brother,
59:24where the social phobia became very
59:25clear. I started going out, went on
59:27every podcast, then grew up, started
59:29talking more seriously, did fashion
59:31magazines, started appearing on shows,
59:32started appearing on TV, went to
59:34Fantástico to present a segment, and
59:36you always helped me buy an oar, even
59:37if you thought some things were a bit
59:39of a stretch. And I always felt that
59:42you were willing to say, "Dude, I don't
59:43know, try something else." And never,
59:45you know? "I told you so." Thank you.
59:49Today, if there's one thing I miss most
59:51, it's connection with people. Even
59:53with my social phobia under control,
59:54relating to others is still a challenge
59:55. All I see every day is ceiling, floor
59:58, and walls. I created a show a while
1:00:01ago called Felca's Couch, precisely to
1:00:03fill this void of mine. It wasn't a
1:00:06huge success, but it fulfilled me.
1:00:09Every Sunday I would host a different
1:00:11person right here at home, a Russian, a
1:00:13Frenchman, a rapper, an influencer, a
1:00:15psychiatrist, a country singer. And it
1:00:17was one of the things I loved doing
1:00:19most, man. I would get excited because
1:00:20it’s every Sunday. I would look
1:00:22forward to Sunday because there would
1:00:23be Felca's Couch. It was telling myself
1:00:25I wasn't alone because I won't be alone
1:00:26forever. That is why I’m going to,
1:00:28for my own sake, bring back Felca's
1:00:30Couch. There’s going to be a lot of
1:00:31different things, man, this new season.
1:00:33Ah, man, on the premiere there will be.
1:00:34I’m going to put up balloons. I’m
1:00:36going to put up balloons. I'm going to
1:00:37put up air balloons. Put up balloons,
1:00:39air balloons, there will be a glass of
1:00:40water, everything for me to drink too.
1:00:42There will be, gosh, so many things.
1:00:44The "Sofá do Fel" channel, so it's not
1:00:46on this one, right? It's on another
1:00:47channel. The link should be there in
1:00:49the description, if you want to see it.
1:00:50I want people to say: "Damn, now Felca
1:00:51is going out for everything. I saw
1:00:53Felca on the street the other day, man.
1:00:54" Yeah, I am. We will be. Also, if you
1:00:57ever see me on the street, talk to me.
1:00:59I would love to connect with you. I
1:01:01will never again go into a room, lock
1:01:03the door, and wait for time to pass.
1:01:05Three months is enough, three months of
1:01:07willingness for us to start living life
1:01:09for real, the way I was too shy to live
1:01:11until now. I managed to take a theater
1:01:13course, go to the gym. Actually, when I
1:01:15did the project with Cariani, the gym I
1:01:17went to was the one in the building,
1:01:18and I only went at dawn because there
1:01:20was no one there. Now I go at 2 PM to a
1:01:23public gym. It is my and your last
1:01:25chance. And the word shy will just be a
1:01:27label from the past. I want that after
1:01:30three months we're at a bar with eight
1:01:32friends at a table and someone says: "
1:01:34Man, did you know he used to be shy?"
1:01:36No one will believe it, it will be
1:01:38scary. But we have each other, we can
1:01:39do it. Now, if you're comfortable, when
1:01:42the pain of having wasted your life is
1:01:44greater, you come back here and join us
1:01:46in the challenge. The pain will come,
1:01:48it always does. I'll be waiting for you
1:01:51there. Oh. I don't just want to talk,
1:02:31changes need much more than that. I
1:02:33decided to give talks to as many
1:02:35schools as I could about bullying,
1:02:37telling what I went through, the real
1:02:39damage of bullying, and trying to
1:02:41comfort the children who are suffering
1:02:43at this moment. I won't charge anything
1:02:46for this, I don't want to take anything
1:02:48from schools or the public government,
1:02:50just try to save one child who might be
1:02:51suffering from bullying or make a child
1:02:53who practices it rethink. I don't
1:02:56underestimate the power of a child
1:02:57hearing about bullying on a personal
1:02:59level. This doesn't make all my pain
1:03:01stop existing, but it gives it meaning.
1:03:03It's using this pain to relieve others.
1:03:06With the exception of the school I
1:03:08studied at in Londrina, I can't enter
1:03:11that place. I hope from the bottom of
1:03:13my heart to help in whatever way I can
1:03:16children who are living now what I
1:03:19lived back then. Thank you.

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