Fix Your Communication With Your Spouse! II Steve Harvey — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00- Joining me now is Stephanie and Rashidi.
2. 0:03- Yes.
3. 0:04Rashidi, Stephanie.
4. 0:05(crowd cheering) (crowd clapping)
5. 0:07How would you describe the way
6. 0:08that you and your husband communicate?
7. 0:11- Well Steve, we've been together
8. 0:13for three years now married.
9. 0:15We've been dating since 2011.
10. 0:18- [Rashidi] Yes, 2011-
11. 0:19- And while we have almost identical personalities
12. 0:23we just communicate differently.
13. 0:25It's like the opposite.
14. 0:27I'm the type of person where I like to go in depth
15. 0:29about something, I want to get to the root of the issue.
16. 0:33My husband, he just likes to fix it.
17. 0:36"Let's get it done and let's move on."
18. 0:38- That's the guy's mo.
19. 0:40- [Stephanie] Yeah.
20. 0:41- We just want to fix it
21. 0:42'cause we got something else to deal with tomorrow.
22. 0:44- Exactly. - (laughing) Yeah.
23. 0:44So that's a true statement you're making.
24. 0:46Now Rashidi, where do you think you guys are going wrong
25. 0:49with this communication?
26. 0:50- Me, I think it's more of a cultural difference.
27. 0:53Like I originally came from the Caribbean
28. 0:54and I'm in the military. (woman cheers)
29. 0:56So certain things are done differently.
30. 0:58So I see from this angle she sees it from that angle
31. 1:02and it doesn't always match up.
32. 1:03- Okay, we're gonna take a look
33. 1:05at some of the common phrases that you say to each other.
34. 1:08Rashidi, let's start with you
35. 1:10and some of the things that you say to Stephanie
36. 1:12and how she hears them.
37. 1:13Rashidi, you often say to Stephanie,
38. 1:16"Christmas and birthdays are moneymaking scams.
39. 1:19I prefer to be spontaneous when it comes to giving gifts."
40. 1:23(Stephanie laughs) (audience laughs)
41. 1:26I probably ain't gonna be able to help you
42. 1:27with this one dog. (everyone laughing)
43. 1:30Here's what Stephanie hears when you say that.
44. 1:33"All the other women at work got presents, where is mine?
45. 1:38You clearly don't care about me that much."
46. 1:41- I'm gonna just start with this.
47. 1:42My birthday just happens to be six days before Christmas.
48. 1:47So that time of year is special to me anyway,
49. 1:51you know? - Yeah.
50. 1:51And while I don't expect the world on a string,
51. 1:55we got a kid, I get it, it's about the kids anyway.
52. 1:58I still wanna feel special Steve-
53. 2:00- [Steve] Absolutely.
54. 2:02And... (crowd clapping)
55. 2:04- Okay Rashidi.
56. 2:06- Okay, I meant what I said, but it came out wrong.
57. 2:09I essentially like the obligated affection,
58. 2:12I'm very against that.
59. 2:14Like when you have to- - Obligated affection.
60. 2:16When you have to do it on these specific dates
61. 2:19it don't jive with me.
62. 2:20I like to just show my love and affection whenever I can.
63. 2:22- Spontaneous.
64. 2:23- Whenever I see like, "Oh, I think she'd look great
65. 2:26wearing that purse," I'm-
66. 2:27- Hey dog, dog, dog. Lemme stop you.
67. 2:29(women laughing)
68. 2:31How old are you Rashidi?
69. 2:32- I'm 38.
70. 2:33- Okay man, let me stop you
71. 2:34'cause you've been stupid for a while.
72. 2:36(women laughing)
73. 2:39- (indistinct) No seriously, no seriously.
74. 2:44Seriously, no seriously. (crowd cheering)
75. 2:45You have to stop this, you ain't gonna win this one.
76. 2:49(Stephanie)
77. 2:50- Well, I'm not trying to win.
78. 2:51- It's all right.
79. 2:53- Can you explain to me please.
80. 2:54- Yeah, go ahead.
81. 2:55- What I can say in my husband's defense,
82. 2:59what he does do is he's spontaneous.
83. 3:01He's the type of person where if he's out shopping
84. 3:05any given day, he's the just because
85. 3:07type of guy. - My man. Perfect.
86. 3:09That is lovely, I love it.
87. 3:10- And I do give you birthday presents
88. 3:12and Christmas presents and everything else.
89. 3:13I just personally have issues with it
90. 3:15but I still do it-
91. 3:16- See, stop saying that.
92. 3:18Don't nobody give a about you
93. 3:19"Personally have an issue with that."
94. 3:20(Stephanie laughing) (crowd clapping)
95. 3:23- It's not-
96. 3:23- I's about me.
97. 3:24- Hey Rashid, I think what could be happening here is
98. 3:28she kinda resents the giving it to her
99. 3:30with the additional thought behind it.
100. 3:32- [Stephanie] There you go.
101. 3:33- She just don't wanna hear
102. 3:35that it's an obligated affection.
103. 3:37You have to give it to her without the added conversation.
104. 3:39You know, this just 'cause I, you know."
105. 3:42(crowd clapping)
106. 3:44'Cause man, you're obviously a good husband.
107. 3:46- Yes he is. You're a really good man.
108. 3:48I can see that, you're having a hard (indistinct).
109. 3:49Like I have a tough time explaining myself to Marjorie
110. 3:52a lot of time because we are constantly,
111. 3:53and we stop ourselves all the time by saying,
112. 3:56"Okay Steve, what did you say again?
113. 3:58Let me tell you what I heard."
114. 4:00And we call it the, He Said She Heard Thing.
115. 4:02And we do that all the time
116. 4:04because she'll say something and I'll take it the wrong way.
117. 4:06And we have to...
118. 4:07Whenever we get into an argument, I say,
119. 4:08"Wait, okay, let's back up. What did you say?
120. 4:11And let me tell you what I heard."
121. 4:13I said, "This what I heard."
122. 4:15She says, "No Steve, that ain't what I meant."
123. 4:16And then we work through it because it happens a lot.
124. 4:19- Yes, it does. Too much actually.
125. 4:22- You don't like obligated affection. That's cool.
126. 4:26Can't verbalize it to her
127. 4:28because when you give her something
128. 4:30and then she hears this attachment to it
129. 4:32now it takes away a little bit.
130. 4:34And that's not your intent.
131. 4:35'Cause you give her so much other stuff spontaneously.
132. 4:38All right, let's go to the next one.
133. 4:39Stephanie, you wrote a text message
134. 4:41about this to your sister, but it didn't go as planned.
135. 4:45What happened? (Stephanie sighs)
136. 4:47- So I was at work and I was kind of torn
137. 4:49because I know he's spontaneous, you know?
138. 4:51And so I said, "Okay, should I feel bad
139. 4:54that he didn't get me anything
140. 4:55for my birthday or Christmas?"
141. 4:56And that was for my sister.
142. 4:59Next thing you know,
143. 5:00I see a response that says, "Elaborate."
144. 5:02And I realize, "Oh my God, I sent it to my husband."
145. 5:05- Oh, you sent it to him? - Ooh!
146. 5:06- Directly to him.
147. 5:09- Okay. So we have the text.
148. 5:10Let's take a look at this exchange.
149. 5:11(Stephanie sighs loudly)
150. 5:12Stephanie said, "Am I wrong for being pissed
151. 5:15that my husband got me nothing
152. 5:17for my birthday or Christmas?"
153. 5:19So it was a birthday and a Christmas
154. 5:20you didn't get her nothing?
155. 5:22- This is the only time it ever happened.
156. 5:24Let's be clear on this. - That's true (laughs).
157. 5:26We are still recovering, we had some financial issues.
158. 5:29We finally got everything back together.
159. 5:30Get (indistinct) moving on. - I got you.
160. 5:32So this year I didn't have enough.
161. 5:34I got a hair did for her. It cost a couple hundred bucks.
162. 5:37And I got some gifts for my son.
163. 5:39- Yeah. That's all I did.
164. 5:40I didn't give gifts to nobody.
165. 5:42I just didn't have the funds for it.
166. 5:44- Okay, I got you.
167. 5:44- So that's what went down this year.
168. 5:46- Okay, I got you.
169. 5:47So then you reply, "Elaborate."
170. 5:50- [Stephanie] Yeah.
171. 5:51- Stephanie, you replied with checking my head.
172. 5:53"First of all, that was for my sister
173. 5:55and I apologize for the way that came out.
174. 5:58I will admit that I was hoping you got something
175. 6:01even if it costs five bucks for me,
176. 6:03it's the thought love."
177. 6:05Rashidi replied with, "Thank you for your mistake, bye."
178. 6:10- Yeah. - Ooh!
179. 6:11- Stephanie said, "What do you mean?"
180. 6:14(women laughing)
181. 6:17So when you typed, "Thank you for your mistake, bye,"
182. 6:20that was kinda like saying,
183. 6:21"Okay, I appreciate you saying it was a mistake,
184. 6:23but still don't erase what you said, bye"
185. 6:27- Some essentially- Something like that.
186. 6:28Yeah, yeah, yeah.
187. 6:29'Cause that's a funky text-
188. 6:31- Yeah- For your husband to get.
189. 6:33- Yeah.
190. 6:34- And then like what he's explaining is
191. 6:36y'all hit a rough spot.
192. 6:38- A few of 'em, yeah.
193. 6:39- Right.
194. 6:40And then you just wanted to have something.
195. 6:42- Yeah, I know he's a good man and I'm really glad
196. 6:45that we did talk it out and we salvaged that moment
197. 6:48because I'm not materialistic, I want him.
198. 6:52At the end of the day, we don't have to have nothing.
199. 6:55- We did have nothing at one point.
200. 6:56- We really did.
201. 6:57- He said we did have nothing at one point.
202. 7:00(crowd clapping)
203. 7:00And we ain't going back to that.
204. 7:01Let's take a look at some of the things you say to Rashidi
205. 7:04that he hears in a totally different way.
206. 7:07Set this first one up for me.
207. 7:09- So there was a period of time where Rashidi was unemployed
208. 7:12and I felt terrible because he didn't get fired,
209. 7:16he got laid off, it's not his fault.
210. 7:19But at the same time, I wanna know how's the job hunt going?
211. 7:22And I know it's a sensitive subject
212. 7:24so I would try my best to be as
213. 7:28you know. - Okay. So let's start.
214. 7:29So here's what you said.
215. 7:30"How's the job hunt going?"
216. 7:32Here's what Rashidi hears when you say this,
217. 7:35"Stop judging me.
218. 7:37You don't believe that I'm man enough
219. 7:39to provide for this family."
220. 7:40(everyone laughing)
221. 7:43See, you caught Rashidi on one of 'em days.
222. 7:46- Yeah.
223. 7:46- You know what I mean?
224. 7:47This probably I can already kind of tell.
225. 7:49So this probably one of these days
226. 7:51where he looking at hisself in the mirror,
227. 7:54man he trying to pull it together.
228. 7:55He know what he wanna be and what he wanna do-
229. 7:58- [Stephanie] Yeah.
230. 7:59- And on that particular day,
231. 8:00you hit him in one of them days
232. 8:02where man, he just up to here.
233. 8:04Most men know
234. 8:06that they supposed to be providing for they family.
235. 8:08If you don't get that, you missed a major lesson in manhood.
236. 8:12I'm sorry. (crowd clapping)
237. 8:13- That's real talk.
238. 8:14(crowd clapping)
239. 8:16- You can call me old fashioned or whatever.
240. 8:18Now hard times can come on anybody.
241. 8:22I can understand that.
242. 8:23- Yeah, and I felt terrible
243. 8:25because I actually didn't wanna ask,
244. 8:26but it's like, I felt like I needed to know
245. 8:30where we were at, so I took a chance.
246. 8:34- Right, but-
247. 8:36- But I understand that.
248. 8:37All right, let's take a look at another one.
249. 8:38This is about childcare.
250. 8:40Stephanie, set this up for us.
251. 8:41Why all yours got to be set up?
252. 8:43- (laughs) See what had happened was...
253. 8:48(crowd laughing)
254. 8:49All right, we have a four-year-old.
255. 8:52The four-year-old boy.
256. 8:53I'm not sure if it's just me
257. 8:54but I'm pretty sure it's all mothers.
258. 8:56I'd just like to know that everything got done.
259. 8:58'Cause sometimes when you leave the kid with dad
260. 9:01sometimes things get overlooked sometimes.
261. 9:05So I'll just ask a question, Steve.
262. 9:07I'll be like, "Okay, did did he brush his teeth?
263. 9:10Did he do this?" Just checking.
264. 9:13- Okay, well let's see.
265. 9:14Okay, here's what you say.
266. 9:15"Did you brush Justin's teeth and make sure he's washed?"
267. 9:19(crowd laughing)
268. 9:21- [Woman] Ooh!
269. 9:22- This what Rashidi hear when you say that.
270. 9:24"What kind of father you take me for?
271. 9:26(everyone laughing)
272. 9:28You don't think I can care for my own son?"
273. 9:30(Stephanie laughing) (crowd clapping)
274. 9:38I think every man in here done said that.
275. 9:41Every man in here.
276. 9:42Because we don't take care of the kids the way you do.
277. 9:45- I know, I know.
278. 9:46- We don't.
279. 9:48- And it's more just to make sure.
280. 9:50'Cause sometimes, sometimes it doesn't happen.
281. 9:53So not often though.
282. 9:55- This is where I take from your page.
283. 9:58"It's the delivery." - True.
284. 9:59If you would've been like, "Hey, how are you guys doing?"
285. 10:03I'm like, "We're doing great.
286. 10:04We did this, we did that, we did this."
287. 10:05- [Stephanie] You right-
288. 10:06- It'd been easy, but you was like, "Did he do this?"
289. 10:08I'm like, "What? I can't."
290. 10:11- It's just a question.
291. 10:13- But see here the deal though.
292. 10:14Can I tell y'all something?
293. 10:15See, and he's talking about the timing.
294. 10:18See, this is when you get accused of nagging.
295. 10:21- Yeah.
296. 10:22- Nagging is tone and timing.
297. 10:25So, "Did you brush Justin teeth? Is is he washed?"
298. 10:30Look... How old is your son?
299. 10:32- Four.
300. 10:33- He four, if he don't brush his teeth today...
301. 10:36(crowd laughing)
302. 10:37- It's not easy. Aah! (everyone laughing)
303. 10:42- Four year olds really don't have bad breath.
304. 10:44(crowd laughing)
305. 10:46You know you can taste a little tomato sauce
306. 10:48on it or something.
307. 10:49But four year old breath, he ain't drinking Hennessy.
308. 10:51(crowd laughing)
309. 10:52He ain't got penicillin in his system.
310. 10:54(crowd laughing) (crowd clapping)
311. 10:57He four, if he don't take a bath today, he four.
312. 11:05(everyone laughing)
313. 11:06Can I tell you something? - Sure.
314. 11:08Everything you're going through
315. 11:10is God preparing you for what you asked for.
316. 11:12- Amen. I believe- Everything.
317. 11:15- I believe that.
318. 11:16- So guess what?
319. 11:18You want a bigger house.
320. 11:21He gonna make you understand what the little house is like
321. 11:23so when you get the big house, you'll appreciate it.
322. 11:25- That's so true. - Yes.
323. 11:26You wanna make more money,
324. 11:27you wanna see how it is to live good,
325. 11:29he gonna let you be poor for a little while.
326. 11:31So when you get the money
327. 11:32you gonna work harder to stay there
328. 11:34'cause you don't wanna go back to where you come from.
329. 11:36- That's right. It's all a process man.
330. 11:38- That's right. (crowd clapping)
331. 11:39- We were talking about that this morning.
332. 11:40- You all are going to be fine because you love each other.
333. 11:45These are the growing pains of becoming a great couple.
334. 11:49Sometimes you just gotta go through the process.
335. 11:52Don't be discouraged. Constantly communicate.
336. 11:54Y'all can stay together with communication. You really can.
337. 11:58(indistinct)
338. 11:59Hey, I wanna thank both of you for being here today.
339. 12:00Really, really nice man.
340. 12:03You're a good man boy, you're a good man.
341. 12:05Hey, don't go anywhere folks. We'll be right back.
342. 12:07Hey, you made it to the end of this video.
343. 12:10I got a lot more that you're gonna enjoy
344. 12:12so just click to watch the next one
345. 12:14and make sure you subscribe to always know what's happening.