Feeling Disrespected By Your Kids? Becoming a Calm Parenting Leader — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00I don't discuss bad behavior. He already
2. 0:02knows. They're not stupid. All these
3. 0:04mini therapy sessions discussing bad
4. 0:05behavior, it's a total waste of time.
5. 0:07>> How can you tell if you're a leader?
6. 0:09What behaviors will your children show
7. 0:11and what will they not show
8. 0:12>> when they feel bad and they're kicking
9. 0:13and screaming, especially if they're
10. 0:15hitting their parents past the age of 3
11. 0:16or 4 years old? Think of where their
12. 0:18self-esteem is. It is in the toilet. You
13. 0:20are not doing them any favors by
14. 0:21allowing them to continue to behave like
15. 0:23that. Welcome to the Bratbusters
16. 0:25Parenting Podcast. My name is Lisa
17. 0:27Bunage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a
18. 0:28mom. I'm also a grandmother.
19. 0:30>> And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter,
20. 0:32and I handle the marketing and planning
21. 0:33here at Bratbusters. While I don't have
22. 0:35kids, each episode we'll dive into
23. 0:37parenting topics and Lisa will answer
24. 0:39your questions. Let's get started.
25. 0:42>> What are we talking about today,
26. 0:43sweetie?
27. 0:44>> Today is the 100th episode
28. 0:48and we are going to be talking about
29. 0:49becoming a calm leader for your kids.
30. 0:52>> Oh, keeping it general, keeping it just
31. 0:54encompassing everything I talk about is
32. 0:56calm leadership.
33. 0:57>> Exactly.
34. 0:58>> Okay. I want to make it clear after I
35. 1:00put this lip balm on.
36. 1:01>> Perfect time. We've had a good 10-minute
37. 1:04break and now is the perfect time for
38. 1:06some lip balm.
39. 1:07>> I just started talking. I just sat down.
40. 1:09You should see the conversations we have
41. 1:10between these these podcasts. Anyway, um
42. 1:13yeah, calm leadership. I want to make it
43. 1:15very clear. I do call it calm leadership
44. 1:16parenting, but it's only calm when
45. 1:18you're disciplining. The rest of the
46. 1:19time when you're playing with kids, you
47. 1:20can be crazy and nuts and all that and
48. 1:22just be goofy. But when you're
49. 1:23disciplining, that's when it's all
50. 1:24business. It's just calm. There's no
51. 1:26sternness or you don't sound like now
52. 1:29here's what you do. You don't talk like
53. 1:30that. It's just okay. So here you messed
54. 1:32up. Here's your consequence. Okay. So
55. 1:35it's sort of like that little bit of a
56. 1:36llt in your voice almost. But no anger,
57. 1:38no frustration or disappointment. You're
58. 1:40just completely calm. Okay. When you're
59. 1:42disciplining.
60. 1:44>> Okay. I think if someone is getting
61. 1:45started, possibly the pool story would
62. 1:47be a really great place for them to
63. 1:48start.
64. 1:49>> Oh, are you going to make me tell that?
65. 1:50Oh, thanks a lot for that. Oh, okay. The
66. 1:54pool story. I've told it thousands of
67. 1:55times.
68. 1:57Meanie, I've told it so many times I I
69. 2:00have a hard time saying it. I can't hear
70. 2:01myself when I say it. Okay. The pool
71. 2:04story. It It sort of sums up the way I
72. 2:07treat children. And it's it's a true
73. 2:09story. It was my son's 8th birthday and
74. 2:12we had a pool in the backyard. So, and I
75. 2:14knew all these kids because I was always
76. 2:16volunteering at school and I was always
77. 2:18working with these kids at school. So
78. 2:20anyway, um, so I had five little boys
79. 2:23come over and I knew them all. And so
80. 2:25there was six, eight-year-old boys. Now,
81. 2:27my husband had taken my daughter
82. 2:28somewhere just for a while. I think they
83. 2:30went to pick up the cake. We were having
84. 2:31an ice cream cake. I think that's what
85. 2:32they did. So they went to pick up the
86. 2:34cake and uh, so here I am on my own with
87. 2:37these six little eight-year-old boys in
88. 2:38a swimming in the swimming pool. So I'm
89. 2:40outside the pool and uh, so I said,
90. 2:42"Look, I said way cannot go in the
91. 2:45pool." Now why was a giant blowup toy?
92. 2:47These kids were eight. I didn't have a
93. 2:49foot pump. I did not want to take the
94. 2:50air out of way. So, I left it blown up,
95. 2:52but I put it way off to the side. And I
96. 2:54said, "We cannot go in the pool because
97. 2:56all I'm doing here is counting heads.
98. 2:58So, I can't see behind way. Three of you
99. 3:01could drown behind why." And I couldn't
100. 3:02even see it. So, that's it. Okay, go in
101. 3:04the pool. Have fun. Sure enough, one of
102. 3:06the kids brought way in the pool. And it
103. 3:07was the kid that I knew probably would
104. 3:09anyway. So, we brought way in the pool.
105. 3:10Now, I said to him, "We out of the pool
106. 3:12now." Now, it was a safety issue. I
107. 3:14didn't say please, nothing. He already
108. 3:16knew. He just broke a rule. So when he
109. 3:19said he said no to me. Soon as he did,
110. 3:21my son just smiled because he knew mom
111. 3:23was going to take action fast. Fully
112. 3:25clothed. I jumped in the pool and
113. 3:26dragged him out of the pool. And I said,
114. 3:28"You're going to sit with me for 10
115. 3:29minutes." Now I didn't say why cuz he
116. 3:31already knew, right? You don't do you
117. 3:33don't discuss all this stuff. So and my
118. 3:35son got way out of the pool. Now this
119. 3:36kid's sitting beside me. I'm I'm soaking
120. 3:38wet now cuz I just jumped in the pool.
121. 3:40And the other kids are playing and I'm
122. 3:41counting five heads in the pool now. And
123. 3:43this is what I'm saying to this kid.
124. 3:45He's sitting right beside me. I've got
125. 3:46the time my watch going. I'm looking at
126. 3:47my watch. So, I said, "You got 10
127. 3:49minutes now." So, I'm asking him about
128. 3:51the I said, "Oh, we did a test together,
129. 3:52you and I. I helped you with that test.
130. 3:54I hear you got 85%." Good for you. And
131. 3:57also, I saw you got a you got a goal in
132. 3:59soccer the other day. Good for you. And
133. 4:01what's your favorite PlayStation game?
134. 4:02Blah blah blah. I'm just connecting with
135. 4:04him. I'm talking about him. I'm trying
136. 4:06to build him up and make him feel good.
137. 4:08Well, he's talk talk. And another thing
138. 4:10I'm great at, another thing that I like
139. 4:12and believe me me me. So, the 10 minutes
140. 4:15is up. So, I said to him, "The 10
141. 4:16minutes is up. you can go back in the
142. 4:17pool. I couldn't get rid of him. He kept
143. 4:19talking and talking all about himself
144. 4:21and I'm looking at my son like, "Help."
145. 4:23So, finally my son got back in the pool
146. 4:25and it was done. But for the rest of
147. 4:26that afternoon, like three hours of it,
148. 4:28this kid was all over me. Can I help you
149. 4:30with that, Lisa? Can I help you with
150. 4:31that? Not only did he feel good about
151. 4:34himself, but he was the biggest help at
152. 4:36the whole party the rest of that day.
153. 4:37But I couldn't get rid of him. Anyway,
154. 4:39that's the pool story. Now, what did I
155. 4:42do there? I laid down the rule
156. 4:43initially. There was a couple other
157. 4:44rules too, but I laid down the rule
158. 4:46initially. And then when he broke the
159. 4:48safety rule, I didn't say please or
160. 4:50thank you. I didn't repeat myself. I
161. 4:52just said whe out of the pool. Now, when
162. 4:54he said no, I took action, dragged him
163. 4:56out of the pool, and then I had him
164. 4:58sitting down beside me. And I was very
165. 5:00clear. I said, 10 minutes you're going
166. 5:01to sit with me now. I didn't say why. I
167. 5:04don't discuss bad behavior. He already
168. 5:06knows. They're not stupid. All these
169. 5:08mini therapy sessions discussing bad
170. 5:09behavior, it's a total waste of time. So
171. 5:12anyway, then he's sitting beside me.
172. 5:15He's sitting beside me for 10 minutes.
173. 5:17During that 10 minutes, my goal is to
174. 5:19make him feel good about himself. When
175. 5:20they feel good, they do good. When they
176. 5:22feel bad, they do bad. He already had
177. 5:24enough of feeling bad. I dragged him out
178. 5:25of the pool. That was probably a little
179. 5:26bit embarrassing for him, too, right?
180. 5:28That it was all over at that point. Then
181. 5:30at the very end of that 10 minutes, I
182. 5:32did not say to him, "Go back in the
183. 5:34pool, but don't take Whian." If I had
184. 5:36said, "Don't take Whian," would have
185. 5:38wrecked everything. That would have
186. 5:39reminded him. By the way, don't forget
187. 5:40you're rotten. That's what I That's what
188. 5:42you're literally saying to a kid if you
189. 5:44do that. So, I just said, "Okay, go back
190. 5:45in the pool and have fun." All cheery,
191. 5:48all positive. Not only did he not bring
192. 5:50Why in the pool, he said to the other
193. 5:52boys, "Oh, make sure you don't bring why
194. 5:54in the pool because it's dangerous. Lisa
195. 5:56can't see behind it." You see? You see
196. 5:58the difference that made? So, I'm
197. 6:00focusing on the good kid, not the bad
198. 6:02behavior.
199. 6:03>> I think with your method as well, you're
200. 6:05so focused in just how you approach
201. 6:07parenting. You're so focused on building
202. 6:09up their self-esteem and confidence.
203. 6:11>> It's everything. If you make kids feel
204. 6:14good, they'll do good. If you discuss
205. 6:16their bad behavior, you're dragging them
206. 6:18down, you're going to get more of it.
207. 6:19Where you put your energy, where you put
208. 6:20your focus is what grows. I always put
209. 6:22my energy and my focus into the good
210. 6:24kid, not the bad behavior. I deal I
211. 6:26don't let anything go, by the way. I
212. 6:27deal with bad behavior, but it's fast
213. 6:29and it's over with. Okay? And then I
214. 6:31always treat them like they're good
215. 6:32kids. Even when I'm dealing with bad
216. 6:34behavior, I don't treat them like
217. 6:35they're bad kids. I treat them like,
218. 6:36"You made a poor choice. Here's your
219. 6:38consequence. That's it.
220. 6:40>> Now, it may not be a pool scenario, but
221. 6:42let's say they're in a field or they're
222. 6:44at the park doing something dangerous.
223. 6:46How would you approach this differently
224. 6:47with a toddler?
225. 6:49>> Well, I would not have a bunch of
226. 6:50toddlers at the park. You mean like a
227. 6:52party at the park? I I'm very I'm very
228. 6:54careful with kids. Like I know I knew
229. 6:57all those kids and we had a pool. We had
230. 6:58that pool built. It was an ingground
231. 7:00pool and I had it built so that the deep
232. 7:02end was only 5 feet tall. The reason 5t
233. 7:05deep. Reason was I thought if a kid ever
234. 7:08gets in trouble, I'm 5 foot six. I can
235. 7:10still stand with my head above the water
236. 7:11in the deep end. So I literally had
237. 7:13everything all figured out already. I
238. 7:15knew all those kids. They knew me and I
239. 7:18had it all. I'm very good at planning
240. 7:19and figuring stuff out. There's no way I
241. 7:21would take a group of toddlers to the
242. 7:22park without their moms also dealing
243. 7:23with them. Like you have to stay with
244. 7:25your toddler at the park. So is that the
245. 7:27question? If it was a party at the park,
246. 7:29>> let's just say in general you're
247. 7:30correcting behavior from a toddler.
248. 7:32>> You mean your own toddler? Okay. Because
249. 7:34this we're not talking about other kids
250. 7:35at that stage. Okay. So, you're at the
251. 7:37park and they do something naughty at
252. 7:39the park. I would just say if it's a
253. 7:40toddler under the age of three or has 16
254. 7:42months to 35 months. I would say so they
255. 7:45do something dangerous. I would say no.
256. 7:46And I'd pull them away and I'd just say
257. 7:47okay you're going to sit with me for a
258. 7:49couple minutes or whatever. They're not
259. 7:50even listening to that usually because
260. 7:51they don't understand it. They're
261. 7:52kicking and screaming. And then as soon
262. 7:54as that two minutes is up, even if
263. 7:55they're still kicking and screaming, if
264. 7:57I said two minutes, they're going back
265. 7:58out to play. Soon as they do it again,
266. 8:00I'd say no, pull them away for another
267. 8:01couple minutes. I keep pulling them away
268. 8:03from the fun.
269. 8:05>> And then just if someone's looking to
270. 8:07get started with comm leadership, how do
271. 8:08you approach it with over three or three
272. 8:11and older?
273. 8:11>> Three and over is the behavior board.
274. 8:13The behavior board is free on my website
275. 8:15bratbusters.com when you join the
276. 8:16newsletter. It also it's a mini course
277. 8:18and it's completely free. It also has a
278. 8:19toddler section in there which is that
279. 8:21consistent corrective action I just
280. 8:22talked about. The pool story was
281. 8:24different. It wasn't my kid. So, and the
282. 8:26way I dealt with it, I deal with it the
283. 8:27same way with my own kids anyway. Um,
284. 8:29the pool story. But um anyway, so that's
285. 8:31the that's the behavior board for three
286. 8:33and above. And there's a rule and a
287. 8:35consequence for everybody in the family
288. 8:36three and above, including the parents.
289. 8:38If you're not on there, you're not a
290. 8:39leader. You're just a dictator, right?
291. 8:41Or the authority style parent. Um you
292. 8:43have to be on there. You have to be
293. 8:44accountable. Usually the parents rule is
294. 8:46no yelling. Most parents yell. So we
295. 8:48always start there. And their rule is no
296. 8:49yelling. If they yell, they have to do
297. 8:50something fun with the kids that they
298. 8:52don't normally do. Or the kids can even
299. 8:53pick it. 10 minutes of hideand-seek or
300. 8:55something. So every time you yell,
301. 8:57you're stuck playing hideand-seek. That
302. 8:58just teaches you don't yell, you know,
303. 9:01like we all learn through consequences.
304. 9:03You might enjoy playing hide-and-seek.
305. 9:04If you do, that's fine, too. But
306. 9:06generally, your consequence is something
307. 9:07fun for the kids. That's what gets them
308. 9:09on board with the behavior board. Now,
309. 9:10if they break a rule, so their rule is
310. 9:12usually if they hit, their rule is no
311. 9:13hitting. If they hit, you say, "Okay,
312. 9:15let's go to the board and you say,
313. 9:16"Okay, your rule was no hitting, you
314. 9:17broke the rule." So, we're going to
315. 9:19start with the first consequence is you
316. 9:20have to clean a window within 15 minutes
317. 9:22of being asked to do so. You say, "Okay,
318. 9:24here's the make sure it's something they
319. 9:25already know how to do. Just give them a
320. 9:27wet rag." And you say, "Okay, so just
321. 9:29clean down that window or wipe the front
322. 9:30of the dishwasher or whatever. Just some
323. 9:32little menial chore. Two minutes usually
324. 9:34it should last." And say, "And the 15
325. 9:36minutes starts now." They're kicking,
326. 9:38screaming, whining, complaining. They
327. 9:39never do the chore. I don't care if they
328. 9:40do it or not. You don't say a word.
329. 9:42You're just a timekeeper. You're just
330. 9:43near where the chore should be done.
331. 9:45You're just standing there calmly
332. 9:46timekeeping. Don't go on your phone or
333. 9:48don't get into a conversation. I think
334. 9:49that's rude because you're dealing with
335. 9:51this this discipline that you're handing
336. 9:52out, right? So you're just standing
337. 9:54there. You're not talking to them
338. 9:55particularly. You're just sort of
339. 9:56looking at the time because they're
340. 9:57arguing. So, you're not there's no way
341. 9:58you'd answer that. So, when the
342. 10:0015-minute timer goes, you say, "Oh,
343. 10:02let's go back to the board. Now, let me
344. 10:03see. You broke the rule. You hit." So,
345. 10:05then you and then you had to do the
346. 10:07chore within 15 minutes. You chose not
347. 10:09to do that. So, 24 and then you do the
348. 10:12second consequence. 24-hour media
349. 10:13blackout is the most common one. So, if
350. 10:15they won't do the first consequence, the
351. 10:17second one is 24-hour media blackout.
352. 10:19But you can come up with anything that
353. 10:20you you can do at home. Um, but that's
354. 10:22just a really common one. So, then you
355. 10:24resort to that. Then they'll often say,
356. 10:25"Okay, fine. I'll do the I'll do the
357. 10:27first one." No, it's too late. 24-hour
358. 10:29media blackout started two minutes ago.
359. 10:31Do not discuss it after that. If you
360. 10:32discuss it, you're weak. You're not a
361. 10:34leader. It's already been dealt with.
362. 10:36Let them have an "But why? But why? I
363. 10:38hate you. I hate you. I hate you." I
364. 10:40would just go, "Whatever." Or your
365. 10:42choice. Yours is your choice. That's all
366. 10:44I'd say. Then I ignore them. Once
367. 10:45they've calmed down, then you want to
368. 10:47connect again. So as soon as they calm
369. 10:49down, you say, "Oh, you all done? Do you
370. 10:50want to go read a book or something?"
371. 10:52You see, you always want to connect.
372. 10:54Not while they're kicking and screaming.
373. 10:56>> You do talk about how important the
374. 10:58connection piece is.
375. 10:59>> It's more important than the discipline.
376. 11:00If you're not connected with your kids,
377. 11:02and I mean I mean enjoying them and
378. 11:04playing with them in their world because
379. 11:05fun is their love language. If you're
380. 11:07not doing enough of that, none of this
381. 11:08other stuff does works. It's kind of
382. 11:10mean, I think. But because you're so
383. 11:11connected with them, you're playing with
384. 11:13them in their world, not your world. You
385. 11:15don't go to the nail salon with them.
386. 11:16You go to the park and roll down the
387. 11:17hill or whatever they like to do. So you
388. 11:19don't have to be doing that all the
389. 11:20time, but you should find a way to enjoy
390. 11:22being with your kids. They know the
391. 11:24difference between you doing time,
392. 11:26spending time with them, and you
393. 11:27actually enjoying them. And you might
394. 11:29have to fake it till you make it.
395. 11:30Because a lot of parents will say to me,
396. 11:31"Well, I don't enjoy playing with kids."
397. 11:33I was lucky. I always did enjoy playing
398. 11:34with kids, so it gave me a real edge.
399. 11:36But if you don't, you still you're going
400. 11:38to have to fake it till you make it. And
401. 11:39it's always doing something in their
402. 11:41world, not yours. So you can just and
403. 11:43you can just time it. Say, "Look, I got
404. 11:4530 minutes. How about we do some Lego
405. 11:47for 30 minutes or something?" Just find
406. 11:49the time when you can. doesn't have to
407. 11:50be a big chunk of time, but it can just
408. 11:52be 10 minutes.
409. 11:53>> I think circling back on the consequence
410. 11:55idea and like having the parents on the
411. 11:58board as well is you talk a lot about
412. 12:00giving respect to get it and the idea of
413. 12:02how can you expect your kids to make
414. 12:04amends, be good people if you're not
415. 12:06modeling that yourself.
416. 12:08>> Well, they see, you know, monkey see
417. 12:09monkey do, right? I remember that time
418. 12:11that I like I hate cooking like with a
419. 12:13P. I mean, I really hate cooking. I cook
420. 12:14with hate anyway, but I'm very into
421. 12:16health, so I made everything from
422. 12:17scratch when my kids were growing up,
423. 12:19especially. And I remember once they
424. 12:21said, "Mom, can you please make
425. 12:22muffins?" And I don't even know why
426. 12:23they'd want me to because they were so
427. 12:24awful. They were too healthy. But
428. 12:26anyway, they said, "Can you please make
429. 12:27muffins?" And I said, "Sure." Of course,
430. 12:29I forgot. The next day they said, "Mom,
431. 12:31there's no muffins." You know, you
432. 12:32forgot. And I said, "Oh, shoot. Sorry
433. 12:33about that. I promise I'll make muffins
434. 12:36tonight." They were eight and three
435. 12:37years old. And I can remember they
436. 12:38looked at each other and smiled. And I
437. 12:40knew what that meant. You'll understand
438. 12:41it in a minute. And I said, "I said I
439. 12:43promised." Mhm. Okay. So anyway, they
440. 12:46went to bed. Of course, I forgot. They
441. 12:48get up the next day and they come in the
442. 12:50kitchen. Now, he was the he was the
443. 12:51talker because he was older and she was
444. 12:53beside him. So, they're eight and three.
445. 12:54They come in the kitchen and she they're
446. 12:56both he's he's got this real look on his
447. 12:58face like he's going to handle mom,
448. 13:00right? He comes in. I knew I was in
449. 13:02trouble. She's smiling from ear to ear.
450. 13:04She's loving this. Anyway, they go in
451. 13:05the kitchen and I looked at them and I
452. 13:07said, "What?" Because I knew I was in
453. 13:09trouble with something. I just didn't
454. 13:10know what it was. And my son
455. 13:12said,"Remember last night you said, 'I
456. 13:14promise I'll make muffins." And I went,
457. 13:16"Uh, we're drats." And he goes, "I don't
458. 13:18see no muffins." And I said, "Great.
459. 13:20What do you want?" Cuz they knew if I
460. 13:22messed up I'd do something fun for them.
461. 13:24And he said, "We talked about it." And
462. 13:26she's just all smile. She's loving every
463. 13:28second of this. And he says, "We talked
464. 13:30about it. We decided we'd like to go to
465. 13:31the water slide park tomorrow." So, so I
466. 13:34had to pack their swimsuits for after
467. 13:36school and went to the water slide park.
468. 13:38But yeah, you have to be accountable.
469. 13:40So, they loved it when I messed up,
470. 13:41which I did all the time. So, you see
471. 13:43that's respect. And how did he feel
472. 13:45coming in there talking to me like that?
473. 13:46Like, it was funny. It was just fun.
474. 13:49They've got to be able to handle you,
475. 13:51too. So, and you've got to be humble and
476. 13:53vulnerable with your kids. When I messed
477. 13:55up, I always played the fool. And they
478. 13:56love that stuff. I go, "Oh no, am I in
479. 13:58trouble again?" They love that. Makes
480. 14:00them feel empowered. It gives them
481. 14:02confidence.
482. 14:03>> I'm sure as well, we were going to bed.
483. 14:04We saw you putting a cup of tea on. We
484. 14:07saw that oven not preheated and we're
485. 14:08like, "Oh, yeah.
486. 14:10>> Oh, yeah."
487. 14:10>> They knew they were going to the water
488. 14:12slide park the next day. So, I swear
489. 14:13they didn't even care about the muffins.
490. 14:15They just wanted to get something out of
491. 14:16me. So, that's how it goes. And it was
492. 14:18fun, right? And then one time I remember
493. 14:20we it was just a local water slide park
494. 14:22and it was just nearby us. Anyway, one
495. 14:25time we went and she she the same kind
496. 14:28of thing happened. I was in trouble. So,
497. 14:30she whispered something to him because
498. 14:32they were conspiring together, right?
499. 14:33So, she whispered it was the water slide
500. 14:35park. He said, "We'd like to go to water
501. 14:36slide park." Then she whispered
502. 14:37something and then he says, "Oh, yeah,
503. 14:39and we're going to go first this time."
504. 14:42What I had done the time before was the
505. 14:44other time we'd gone to this little park
506. 14:46is I said, "You can't go down till you
507. 14:49stand behind the red line and wait for
508. 14:51the go-ahad." There was no red line.
509. 14:53There was no go-ahad. I just ran in
510. 14:54front of them and I said, "Suckers." And
511. 14:56I went running down the slide first.
512. 14:59So they said, "Next time they got to go
513. 15:01first." Anyway, so yeah, it was fun. If
514. 15:04someone's first podcast, you called me a
515. 15:06meanie at the very start. Sucker right
516. 15:08now. They're like, "Wow,
517. 15:11>> it was funny." Yeah, they love I mean,
518. 15:13it was just fun. I enjoyed kids. I
519. 15:14thought they were just a riot. You've
520. 15:16got these little humor victims like
521. 15:17they're just little play little play
522. 15:19like kids to play with. I just thought
523. 15:21it was great. So, I used a lot of humor
524. 15:23and they used a lot on me, too. So, it
525. 15:24was fun. We had a blast.
526. 15:26>> Okay. Should we get into the questions?
527. 15:28>> Oh, there are questions. Okay,
528. 15:29>> there are. So, we have Mea from Canada.
529. 15:31for older kids who are strong willed. My
530. 15:33daughter is seven. How to manage
531. 15:34resisting debating constantly. I do
532. 15:37think I've been a pleasing parent. Oops.
533. 15:39I'm very curious to see how applying
534. 15:40your methods will go and hope I can
535. 15:42handle my own emotions and dysregulation
536. 15:44in those hard moments. Single mom. Also,
537. 15:46she spends two nights a week at her
538. 15:48dad's who is very strict and not in a
539. 15:50leadership type way. I tend to swing the
540. 15:52more pushover flexible way until I break
541. 15:55partly because I know how hard that is
542. 15:57for her with her dad. Challenging cycle.
543. 16:00>> Okay. So you, a lot of parents do this.
544. 16:02They swing the pendulum one way or the
545. 16:03other. So one's too strict, one's not
546. 16:05strict enough. So the dad's the
547. 16:07authority and you're the pleaser. I
548. 16:09don't do either of those. I'm the
549. 16:10leader. And don't worry about what
550. 16:11happens at dad. You know, the leader
551. 16:13will always sort of have the more
552. 16:14influence over the kids because the
553. 16:15leader brings out the highest
554. 16:16self-esteem in them. They tend to feel
555. 16:18the most pride in themselves and they
556. 16:19tend to like themselves the most when
557. 16:20they're with the leader. So you will
558. 16:22have way more influence over your kids
559. 16:24overall anyway. Okay. So she's debate.
560. 16:26You said debating. So in other words,
561. 16:28you're giving her something to argue.
562. 16:29You make sure when you lay down the law
563. 16:31with your kids that you're in the right.
564. 16:32Like what I mean is when you've said,
565. 16:34"Okay, so you broke a rule." Make sure
566. 16:35you're right. Okay? But some if you are
567. 16:38wrong, then let listen to them and then
568. 16:40go along with that. But usually if she's
569. 16:41debating, it's usually you probably are
570. 16:43right. They just don't like what you've
571. 16:45done, right? So you just say if she
572. 16:47keeps arguing with you, you say, "No,
573. 16:48I've already said what's going to
574. 16:49happen. The end." And just shut it down.
575. 16:51She keeps going at you, just go
576. 16:53whatever. Just and then change the
577. 16:55subject. As soon as she's calmed down,
578. 16:56change the subject. Talk about the
579. 16:58weather. talk, you know, sing a song,
580. 17:00whatever. Just you control the
581. 17:01narrative. You control the energy.
582. 17:03You're letting her have too much power
583. 17:05where she doesn't need it. You want them
584. 17:06to have power in that they have a say.
585. 17:08Like they want they have power over
586. 17:10their themselves, but you don't want
587. 17:12them to have power when you laid down
588. 17:13the law and they think they can change
589. 17:15that they can control you. And when
590. 17:17you've already done the right thing, you
591. 17:19just you just did something she didn't
592. 17:20like. Now she's arguing it. Shut it
593. 17:22down. Don't discuss it. Parents keep
594. 17:25answering these questions because I
595. 17:26don't know why they do. Actually, I I
596. 17:28can't even fathom doing that. They
597. 17:30already know what's happened and then
598. 17:33they pull you in. But why? But why? What
599. 17:35they're saying is, I want my own way. I
600. 17:38don't want to listen to you. That's what
601. 17:39they're saying. Like, that's why I would
602. 17:41never respond to that. But why? Not
603. 17:43fair. I'd go whatever and just go go
604. 17:45about my business. There's no way I
605. 17:47would respond to that.
606. 17:48>> Now, I think the clear distinction
607. 17:50between that and the muffin story, is it
608. 17:52because you were in the wrong?
609. 17:54>> Oh, completely.
610. 17:57Well, what how is that even similar?
611. 17:59They weren't debating. They came in.
612. 18:00They came in knowing full well that I
613. 18:02was in trouble. I lied. I promised I
614. 18:05would make muffins. That's a lie. I
615. 18:06didn't make them. So, I was in the
616. 18:09wrong. There was no debating back.
617. 18:10There's no arguing. They just told me I
618. 18:13was wrong and I was and I took my
619. 18:14medicine.
620. 18:15>> I just think it's important to note
621. 18:16because it's the same concept of the
622. 18:18kids fighting back. But,
623. 18:21>> well, they never there was no fight.
624. 18:22They just came in and told me I was I
625. 18:23was in trouble.
626. 18:26the ballot. Actually, that's all it was.
627. 18:28So, I never fought back. I never argued
628. 18:30it. Soon as I saw them to come in, I
629. 18:31knew exactly. I knew that face he had on
630. 18:33him. He was loving it. And I thought,
631. 18:35"Oh, I'm in trouble. What did I do?" I
632. 18:37didn't clue in right away, but I knew I
633. 18:39was in trouble right away. So,
634. 18:41>> see in the corner of your eye some
635. 18:42cupcake liners and you go, "Oh, I don't
636. 18:45even think I got the liners out."
637. 18:47>> Okay, we'll get into the next question.
638. 18:48So, we have Nicole from the United
639. 18:49States. Please teach how I can help my
640. 18:52daughter find her motivation. I have one
641. 18:5411-year-old. She often gets overwhelmed
642. 18:56by routine tasks and simple chores like
643. 18:58make bed, unload dishes. It seems like a
644. 19:01cycle. She is slow at doing tasks, so to
645. 19:03her they seem overwhelming and
646. 19:04impossible. So, she moves even slower
647. 19:06and they take her forever to complete.
648. 19:08When I do the as soon as method, she
649. 19:10sometimes flops on her bed in tears and
650. 19:12frustration. We've ti tried incentives,
651. 19:15fun music to make chores less dull, mom
652. 19:17helping so we can do chores together.
653. 19:19We've tried racing the clock, putting
654. 19:20time limits, but sometimes the pressure
655. 19:22of that sends her into panic. What can I
656. 19:24do better? I just noticed she's gotten a
657. 19:26lot faster at unloading the dishwasher
658. 19:27since it's become a more routine chore
659. 19:29for her, but she's been showering or
660. 19:31bathing since day one. So, why is that
661. 19:33one such a challenge?
662. 19:35I don't I'm wondering how many chores
663. 19:37she has. It sounds like she's getting
664. 19:38paralysis by analysis. Like, is there
665. 19:40just is overwhelm? She's got too many
666. 19:42chores. I don't know, but I might want
667. 19:44to get some checklist going. you know,
668. 19:46just use a a plastic envelope and put a
669. 19:48checklist inside so that she can use um
670. 19:50an erasable marker and check off the
671. 19:52boxes each day and then erase it and
672. 19:54start again the next day. So each
673. 19:56morning make your bed, brush your teeth,
674. 19:57you can just check those off. It's just
675. 19:59a few simple things to do. So have a
676. 20:01time frame when it's done and then
677. 20:02before dinner maybe she has to set the
678. 20:04table, have that one, then at night she
679. 20:06has to do bedtime routine. Maybe just
680. 20:08have a checkbox and then um yeah, I'm I
681. 20:11don't know. You know, my gut reaction is
682. 20:12you expect too much from her. That's my
683. 20:14gut reaction. I could be wrong, but I
684. 20:17don't know. Does it kind of sound like
685. 20:18that to you, too?
686. 20:19>> Maybe if you start writing out the
687. 20:20checklist and you realize you need a
688. 20:21page, too, maybe.
689. 20:22>> Yeah, it just sounds like maybe it's a
690. 20:24bit much because if she's getting that
691. 20:26overwhelmed and also, do you keep
692. 20:27talking about it? Do you connect with
693. 20:28her? Do you play with her? Do you talk
694. 20:29to her a lot? Do you guys, you know,
695. 20:32play music together and, you know, dance
696. 20:34together? Is there some Is there like
697. 20:35joy and fun in the household or is it
698. 20:37just all chores? I don't know. That's my
699. 20:39gut reaction was what exactly are you
700. 20:41expecting from her? Is it fair and
701. 20:43reasonable? I don't know. Okay, the next
702. 20:45one is Kendall from the United States.
703. 20:47My 5-year-old son is is constantly
704. 20:49saying things like, "I hate myself. You
705. 20:51hate me. You don't even like me, etc.,
706. 20:53etc." when upset or when he doesn't get
707. 20:55his way. At first, I reassure him that
708. 20:57those things are not true at all. But
709. 20:59now that I listen to you, I follow your
710. 21:00advice and ignore those comments and
711. 21:02move on or change the subject. It's been
712. 21:04going on for 6 to 8 months now and
713. 21:05doesn't let up. My mom heart wonders if
714. 21:08deep down he really does think those
715. 21:09things are true. Is ignoring the answer
716. 21:11here.
717. 21:12>> Okay. If he says it when he's happy,
718. 21:14then it's true. If he's only saying it
719. 21:16when he's mad, then chances are it
720. 21:17isn't. It's just pure manipulation. Does
721. 21:19that make total sense? That's how you
722. 21:21tell. If he talks about it when it's a
723. 21:23quiet time and he's happy or you know
724. 21:25what I mean, they're not saying much and
725. 21:26you know he's not you're not mad at him,
726. 21:27he's not in trouble. That kind of thing.
727. 21:29Then if he says it, then I would
728. 21:31investigate. But if it's just cuz you
729. 21:32laid down the lawn, you took away his
730. 21:34PlayStation for the night and then he
731. 21:36says, "I hate myself." That's
732. 21:37manipulation. That's how you tell the
733. 21:39difference.
734. 21:40>> Okay. Okay, the next one is Priscilla
735. 21:42from the United States. My daughter is 3
736. 21:44years old. I know you say you can't
737. 21:45discipline attitude, so I'm just looking
738. 21:47for advice on how to approach this. My
739. 21:49daughter can be very moody. So, for
740. 21:50example, when she woke up this morning,
741. 21:52she walked down the stairs to find me
742. 21:53and I waved hi to her. Me waving hi
743. 21:55somehow triggers her and now she is
744. 21:57screaming and crying for 10 minutes
745. 21:58straight straight. I sometimes have a
746. 22:00hard time differentiating her tantrums
747. 22:02from her being sensitive. So, I'm not
748. 22:04sure if I should just ignore her or
749. 22:06comfort her. She also does this when she
750. 22:08doesn't want to do things like brush her
751. 22:09teeth. It feels like every battle can
752. 22:11turn into this screaming, crying, and
753. 22:13whining that drives me crazy. I know you
754. 22:15say they only do things that work, and I
755. 22:16feel like I've been pretty consistent in
756. 22:18not letting her get away from this
757. 22:19behavior. Thanks for your help.
758. 22:21>> They only do things that work past the
759. 22:23age of 3 years and 9 months old. So,
760. 22:25she's three. She might not be that old.
761. 22:26And it is a real time. That's a cut off.
762. 22:28I remember I was saying that 50 years
763. 22:30ago. Three years and nine months, I see
764. 22:32a big shift. They only do what works.
765. 22:34And then they did a big study, I think
766. 22:35two years ago, and they did a 50-year
767. 22:37study on that.
768. 22:39They said, "Gee, you know, past the age
769. 22:41of three years and nine months, they
770. 22:42only do what works." I thought that was
771. 22:43funny. Anyway, I told them I was 11
772. 22:45years old and I figured that out. But
773. 22:46yeah, she might not be there. But
774. 22:48anyway, and then you said, "Do we cuddle
775. 22:50her or cuddle her to?" If she's that
776. 22:52moody and you just say good morning and
777. 22:54she just I don't know. What did she say
778. 22:56she did? So you you wave to her in the
779. 22:58morning and then she starts screaming
780. 22:59and crying. Sounds to me like she's
781. 23:02running the household. She's running the
782. 23:04emotions. She is running the energy in
783. 23:06the household. I would just be cheery.
784. 23:08Morning. And then she starts screaming
785. 23:09and crying. I'd say whoopsie. Okay. So,
786. 23:11what a beautiful day. And then just talk
787. 23:13to yourself. Just be all cheery and as
788. 23:14if it's not even happening. I don't know
789. 23:16if there's something else going on. That
790. 23:18would be coaching. But that would be my
791. 23:20gut reaction is if she's just moody,
792. 23:22she's controlling the energy in the room
793. 23:23and you keep feeding into it by trying
794. 23:25to appe appease her. Try to talk her off
795. 23:28the cliff. You're trying to you're
796. 23:29giving her attention for that stuff and
797. 23:31that's what she's after. So, yeah. And
798. 23:33just say, "Oh, okay. Never mind." and
799. 23:35then just don't even discuss it. Then
800. 23:37just talk about the weather or just, you
801. 23:39know, go on about your day.
802. 23:41>> Okay, we have Jess from the United
803. 23:42States. I have a 5-year-old daughter and
804. 23:44I am wondering how much playtime for
805. 23:46connection we should try to have each
806. 23:48day. I try to fit in small amounts of
807. 23:50various kinds throughout the day, but no
808. 23:52matter how much my husband and I play
809. 23:53with her, she's constantly asking for us
810. 23:55to play with her more. The only type of
811. 23:57play that seems to fill up her cup is
812. 23:59role- playinging, pretend play, and that
813. 24:01is the most difficult kind for me to do
814. 24:02mentally. She is in preschool from 8
815. 24:04until noon each morning and I'm a
816. 24:06stay-at-home mom. Thank you for all you
817. 24:08do.
818. 24:08>> So, the role playing is driving you into
819. 24:10the nutouse. I can see that. Um, yeah,
820. 24:13it there is no set time, but what you
821. 24:15should do is time it. Say, look, I'm
822. 24:17going to play for 30 minutes. We can
823. 24:18play Lego or whatever you're going to do
824. 24:20and then I'm going to go and do my
825. 24:21chores and that's it. Stick by that. So,
826. 24:2330 minutes is fine just to play in one
827. 24:25session or but I don't really Okay,
828. 24:28I included my kids in a in a lot. So if
829. 24:31I was cooking dinner, we were chatting.
830. 24:33They don't always need you playing with
831. 24:34them, but they do like you to talk to
832. 24:36them a lot. You especially, your brother
833. 24:37was very good. She's just doing this
834. 24:39smirk. She wanted she wanted to be with
835. 24:41me all the time. She was my velcro kid.
836. 24:43My son was quite happy to entertain
837. 24:45himself from the time he was like one.
838. 24:47And uh but she just wasn't like that.
839. 24:49She wanted to be with mom all the time.
840. 24:50But I would say, "Look, we're going to
841. 24:51play with the dolls now for a little
842. 24:53while." And then I'd say, "Okay, then
843. 24:55that would be the end of it." And then
844. 24:56then I'd say, "Okay, you play on your
845. 24:57own for a while." So, I would get her
846. 24:59started with things, but then I would
847. 25:00just get up and leave because I had
848. 25:01stuff to do. I had laundry to do and
849. 25:03stuff like that. So, um but yeah, I
850. 25:06definitely did play with them, but I I
851. 25:07sort of timed it and I said, "Okay, so
852. 25:09I'm going to go do that now and you can
853. 25:11play with this." So, I would get started
854. 25:14uh playing with them and then let them
855. 25:15finish. But yeah, role playing. That's
856. 25:17so funny. Every parent has something
857. 25:18they hate doing. I don't know what it
858. 25:20was I hated, but every parent has
859. 25:22something that just they just can't
860. 25:23stand doing and all kids want you to do.
861. 25:25So, I can't remember what I would have
862. 25:26had one, but I don't remember what it
863. 25:28was. But yeah, you just wanted to be
864. 25:29with me all the time. And I remember
865. 25:31once saying to you, "Come on, that's
866. 25:32enough. Just scram." And you walking
867. 25:35away.
868. 25:36>> Well, I'm just remembering that story of
869. 25:38the tough luck on the weekends.
870. 25:40>> Oh my god. My mom was visiting from
871. 25:43Canada. We lived in Australia where my
872. 25:44kids were born and raised. And she was
873. 25:46three. And she uh I put her Now, she was
874. 25:49one of those kids. I didn't realize
875. 25:50this, but to this day, she has to plan
876. 25:52out her whole day. She's always got to
877. 25:54have stuff going on. She plans
878. 25:55everything. She loved joining stuff. Now
879. 25:58I thought, now talk about a kid that
880. 26:00should be in kind. And they started at
881. 26:02three in kind. Preschool was four years
882. 26:04old and then grade one was five. That's
883. 26:05the way it was done where we lived in
884. 26:07Brisbane. So I thought, well, I'm going
885. 26:08to put her in kind, but I'm going to put
886. 26:10her in two of them. Now preschool, I
887. 26:12think, was five days, five half days a
888. 26:14week, but Kendi was only two or and then
889. 26:17two one week and then three the next.
890. 26:18But I put her in a private one and a
891. 26:20public one. So basically, she was gone
892. 26:22five days a week, right? I can't
893. 26:24remember. Maybe it was preschool.
894. 26:25Anyway, so but I put I doubled up with
895. 26:27her. She loved it. She needed that. She
896. 26:29was just that type of kid. Whereas my
897. 26:30son I didn't do that with. So anyway, my
898. 26:34mom was visiting and I said to my
899. 26:36daughter, she just wouldn't leave us
900. 26:37alone. She was right there. My mom and I
901. 26:38were trying to talk and she's sitting
902. 26:39right there with her nose right in the
903. 26:41middle of the conversation. And I said I
904. 26:43said to her, "That's why you're in
905. 26:44preschool five days a week because we
906. 26:47couldn't get rid of her." and she says
907. 26:49she was such a sweet little girl that
908. 26:50she said hard luck on the weekends. I
909. 26:54thought that was brilliant. My mom and I
910. 26:56just cracked up. But yeah, she was one
911. 26:58of those kids that she was velcro. She
912. 26:59just wanted to be in on everything all
913. 27:01the time. Um but yeah, she was but she
914. 27:03was really easy. Like when I said that's
915. 27:04it, mom's going to go do the laundry,
916. 27:06then she would back off.
917. 27:08>> Okay, we have one final question. So
918. 27:09Miam from Wales, two years and
919. 27:12eight-month-old daughters, how can you
920. 27:14tell if you're a leader? What behaviors
921. 27:16will your ch will your children show?
922. 27:18and what will they not show? I'm
923. 27:19struggling to test if I'm doing it right
924. 27:21or it will not will it not become clear
925. 27:23until your kids are past the toddler
926. 27:25stage? Also, if you're a leader, will
927. 27:27your toddler still go through the no
928. 27:28phase? Is it a normal part of
929. 27:30development or just a result of lack of
930. 27:32leadership? It's a normal part of
931. 27:33development with toddlers and they still
932. 27:35will say no. They'll still have tantrums
933. 27:37up until about 3, three and a half, but
934. 27:38it will peter out over time. Now, the
935. 27:41reason why I know by about one and a
936. 27:42half they start to clue into your
937. 27:44leadership was the difference between uh
938. 27:46their father and me. Now, you when they
939. 27:48started doing the crocodile roll on the
940. 27:50change table, you know, when they're
941. 27:51screwing all around, they don't want
942. 27:52your diap changing their diaper. With
943. 27:54me, I would they would say no and I'd
944. 27:56say yes and I would just follow through
945. 27:57and change their diaper. They gave in
946. 27:59really quick. Their dad, on the other
947. 28:01hand, they would roll around a lot more
948. 28:03because he was more likely to say, "How
949. 28:05about if I get you a book or a toy?"
950. 28:07Whereas I wouldn't do that. So, that's
951. 28:08how you can tell they stop fighting you
952. 28:11uh pretty quicker when your leadership
953. 28:13starts to kick in. So, yeah, they just
954. 28:15stop fighting me.
955. 28:16>> Okay. Well, that was everything as far
956. 28:18as the questions. Is there anything else
957. 28:20you want to touch on for the calm
958. 28:23leadership podcast?
959. 28:24>> The calm leadership parenting. I know um
960. 28:26everyone wants to talk about discipline,
961. 28:28but really that's not what this is all
962. 28:29about. It's more about connecting with
963. 28:31your kids, making them feel good about
964. 28:32themselves. And part of their high
965. 28:34self-esteem is being good. When they
966. 28:36feel bad and they're kicking and
967. 28:37screaming, especially if they're hitting
968. 28:38their parents past the age of three or
969. 28:40four years old, think of how where their
970. 28:42self-esteem is. It is in the toilet. you
971. 28:44are not doing them any favors by
972. 28:46allowing them to continue to behave like
973. 28:48that. So I always I'm very good at
974. 28:49bringing out the best in kids and then
975. 28:51they feel great about themselves. Okay.
976. 28:53When you feel good, you do good. When
977. 28:54you feel bad, you do bad. So their
978. 28:56self-esteem is number one to me. Okay?
979. 28:58And that's what I and then you can just
980. 29:00relax and enjoy them. Once they have
981. 29:01high self-esteem, they tend to be nice.
982. 29:03They're easier to be around. So that
983. 29:05should be your number one priority is
984. 29:06their self-esteem. If you keep giving
985. 29:08into their bad behavior because you
986. 29:09don't want a scene, they know that
987. 29:11you're afraid of them. You're afraid of
988. 29:12the scene. Don't be afraid of it. It's
989. 29:14the learning process. At the other side
990. 29:15of that storm is the rainbow. You just
991. 29:17got to go through storm after storm
992. 29:19until they learn it's never going to
993. 29:20work. And the storms are the fit scenes,
994. 29:22meltdowns, and tantrums. Okay, I think
995. 29:24that's it.
996. 29:24>> Well, I just want to say because it is
997. 29:26our hundth episode that we are just like
998. 29:28so grateful to have you all joining us
999. 29:31each week because we really love doing
1000. 29:32this podcast. Like it's a lot of fun for
1001. 29:34us as well. And just having you like
1002. 29:36submit your questions and comment and
1003. 29:39everything, it just was really
1004. 29:40wonderful. You know, this is a a caring
1005. 29:42field business and we keep saying how
1006. 29:44lucky that we can afford to to uh you
1007. 29:46know, run a business that's profitable
1008. 29:48enough that we can put all our time into
1009. 29:50this and we are also helping people. We
1010. 29:53love what we do and this podcast is the
1011. 29:55only thing we do together. My daughter
1012. 29:56does all the marketing, all the
1013. 29:57planning. We don't work together at all
1014. 29:59and um except when we do the podcast.
1015. 30:01So, this is real joy for us and our goal
1016. 30:04is always to empower you to get the best
1017. 30:06behavior out of your children and to be
1018. 30:08happy as a whole family. It's not just
1019. 30:10about raising good kids. It's about
1020. 30:12having a happy family. So, if we're
1021. 30:14helping you, I mean, what a blessing e
1022. 30:16to, to be able to do a job that you're
1023. 30:17helping people. And we take this very
1024. 30:19seriously. We are very careful what we
1025. 30:21put out there because we want to make
1026. 30:23sure that we're serving you the best
1027. 30:24that we know how. And um anyway, we are
1028. 30:27very grateful. Thanks so much. So,
1029. 30:28episode number 100, we just started it
1030. 30:3111 months ago, I think. And yeah, we did
1031. 30:33double it. We're doing two a week now.
1032. 30:35We were doing one and then it started
1033. 30:37taking off. So, we doubled it. So, we're
1034. 30:38just loving it. Anyway, thanks so much
1035. 30:40for joining us. We'll be back again with
1036. 30:42number 101. Happy parenting.
1037. 30:45Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to
1038. 30:47dive deeper, check out bratbusters.com
1039. 30:50to learn more about the behavior board,
1040. 30:51parenting courses, and private
1041. 30:53one-on-one coaching with Lisa. If you've
1042. 30:55enjoyed the show so far, we'd love it if
1043. 30:57you could take a moment to follow, rate,
1044. 30:59and review us on your favorite podcast
1045. 31:01platform. Your feedback helps us reach
1046. 31:03more parents just like you. The
1047. 31:05information provided in this podcast is
1048. 31:07for generalformational purposes only and
1049. 31:09is not intended as a substitute for
1050. 31:10professional advice. Lisa is a parenting
1051. 31:13coach, mom, and grandmother. She is not
1052. 31:15a licensed psychologist or counselor.
1053. 31:17Her services do not replace the care of
1054. 31:19psychologists or other healthcare
1055. 31:21professionals. For a full disclaimer,
1056. 31:23please visit bratbusters.com/disclaimer.