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Emotional Intelligence: From Theory to Everyday Practice — Transcript

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0:09I guess my job is to say welcome.
0:12Welcome everyone.
0:13I'm delighted to be here to talk to you
0:15about this work we've been doing at Yale
0:16for about 20 years on emotional
0:18intelligence.
0:20And
0:21as you can see here my name is Marc
0:23Brackett. I'm the new director of the
0:25Yale Center for emotional intelligence.
0:28Uh there's a pretty rich history to this
0:30work at Yale. As many of you may know,
0:32our president who is being inaugurated
0:35today, Peter, uh
0:36was the originator of the theory of
0:38emotional intelligence and he and my
0:40doctoral advisor, Jack Mayer,
0:43back in 1990 wrote this seminal article
0:45on emotional intelligence that uh
0:49nobody read.
0:50I was lucky that I did read it.
0:52Uh but you know how most academic
0:54articles go. If you're in the real
0:56world, you don't get access to this
0:58information. So uh the idea went pretty
1:01much unknown for about
1:04about 5 years. And then uh there was a
1:07popular book written on the topic by
1:08Daniel Goleman
1:10uh that many of you may know. How many
1:11of you are familiar with that book on
1:12emotional intelligence?
1:14How many of you are familiar with my
1:15book on emotional intelligence?
1:17Yeah. Look around the room. Now you know
1:19why I have low self-esteem.
1:22Um
1:24Yeah. Anyway, the you just did the theme
1:27is that emotions matter and now you know
1:29more about that.
1:30But uh more seriously,
1:33uh back in 1995 when that book was
1:34written, people started hearing a lot
1:36about emotional intelligence and then
1:38Peter and Jack and some other
1:40researchers like myself started revising
1:42the theory of emotional intelligence,
1:43developing measurement tools for it, uh
1:46and then studying it to show that it
1:48made a difference. So my job today
1:50really is to share with you some of the
1:52research we've done
1:53and also talk with you about the
1:55programs that we developed that we are
1:57now disseminating throughout the world.
1:59So with that note,
2:01um I wanted to share with you what the
2:02vision of our center is.
2:05Uh
2:05the we've just converted recently from
2:08what we called the Health, Emotion, and
2:10Behavior Laboratory, uh which was a
2:12mouthful,
2:14uh where we studied emotions and uh
2:16health behavior. But now we've
2:18relaunched just this week officially as
2:20the Yale Center for emotional
2:21intelligence. And the idea behind our
2:24center is to use the power of emotional
2:26intelligence to create a more healthy,
2:28effective, and compassionate society. So
2:31we're interested, as you can see, in
2:32mental and physical health, how emotions
2:34help or hinder
2:36uh that life outcome,
2:38uh being effective in the workplace, and
2:41certainly making up the world a place
2:43where people get along and can get
2:44ahead.
2:46And along with our vision, we have a
2:47mission which uh coincides essentially
2:50just adding in the idea is that we
2:52conduct rigorous research and develop
2:54innovative
2:55educational programming. So our goal
2:58over the next
3:00100 years is to continuously do rigorous
3:03research, but also create innovative
3:06educational approaches so that we can
3:08teach people of all ages the skills that
3:10we believe they need to succeed.
3:14So it's my job, I think,
3:17you've been here it's this is a pretty
3:18amazing weekend for all of us.
3:21And
3:22uh how many of you have been asked, "How
3:24are you feeling?"
3:28Like one person.
3:31So I guess my job is to ask you how
3:33you're feeling. So I'd like you to take
3:35a moment and think about this is a
3:36wonderful weekend, it's a beautiful day,
3:38got great people here in the audience,
3:40bring together the the past, the
3:42present, and the future of Yale.
3:45The first dimension on our mood meter is
3:47called pleasantness. It's what's going
3:49on for you here in your mind's eye. It's
3:51your internal psychological state.
3:54And basically we can rate ourselves from
3:57minus five to plus five. Plus five right
3:59now today is the most amazing day of
4:02your life. There's nothing more than
4:03you'd rather be doing than sitting
4:05listening to some guy talk about
4:07feelings.
4:10Minus five, you know, you're like,
4:13"I think I'm supposed to go to that
4:14other workshop right now."
4:16Uh
4:17not sure.
4:18Please give yourself a number from minus
4:20five to plus five.
4:25And now I'm going to ask you to take
4:27your attention away from here and bring
4:28it here. To your body.
4:31What is your energy like right now?
4:34Are you low energy? Are you feeling like
4:36you need a triple cappuccino?
4:38Or are you full of energy and feel
4:40activated?
4:43Minus five would mean that you're about
4:44to fall asleep.
4:46Plus five would mean that you'd love to
4:47just jump out of your seat and take over
4:48my presentation.
4:53And of course we're going to cross these
4:55two dimensions and create our mood
4:57meter. It has four colors, yellow, red,
4:58blue, and green. How many of you are in
5:00the yellow right now? You're feeling
5:01pleasant with a lot of energy. Raise
5:03your hands.
5:05Okay. How many of you are in the green
5:07today? Feeling pleasant but lower in
5:08energy.
5:11For some reason, most of the people are
5:12sitting in the back.
5:16Sort of reminds me of my teaching days,
5:18right? You're low energy.
5:20How many of you are somewhere in the red
5:22or blue today? Something's not going
5:24right. A little bit
5:26red, high energy, and unpleasant.
5:30Okay. We're going to keep our eye on you
5:31for the day.
5:33Uh blue would be low energy, unpleasant.
5:37So most of you are in pretty good shape
5:39today, yellow and green.
5:41Just for curiosity, is that the reality
5:43of your everyday life?
5:46For some of you, yes. For some of you,
5:48like, "No, I'm never yellow or green."
5:51I'd like you now for a moment to think
5:52about the word
5:55in whatever language is your mother
5:56tongue
5:58that best describes how you're feeling
6:00at this moment.
6:01Take 3 seconds to find that word.
6:06And then we'll go dancing.
6:09Freeze.
6:10Quick raise of hands. How many of you
6:12had some trouble finding the best word?
6:15Put your hands up really, really high.
6:16Really high. Look around the room,
6:18please.
6:20So over 50% of the room
6:23had challenged had was challenged
6:25finding the best word. Any hypotheses
6:27about why that might be the case?
6:29Yes. Mark, for someone up here,
6:32maybe you're feeling more than one
6:33emotion. It's hard to sum it up. Okay.
6:35Other thoughts?
6:36Yeah. English doesn't have a word for
6:38high energy, pleasant.
6:42Think about it. High energy with a lot
6:44of pleasantness.
6:46Jazzed. Jazzed.
6:49Happy. Happy.
6:51Elated. Ecstatic.
6:53So here we go. We're going to build your
6:55vocabulary now.
6:57You've already learned something. Write
6:59that in your evaluation.
7:02Other hypotheses?
7:06Yes, back there.
7:08If you're not feeling a specific clear
7:10emotion, it's hard to zero in on just
7:11one. Sure. So you might be having mixed
7:13emotions. Like when you lose your
7:15luggage when you're traveling, right?
7:16You're like annoyed at the airline,
7:18you're fearful that you're going to have
7:19to go without your clothes, etc. One
7:21more.
7:23Well, you're sort of assuming we have
7:24direct access to our emotions. Maybe we
7:26don't.
7:26Oh. Now you're challenging me.
7:30So that's possible Is it a possibility?
7:31Maybe we just don't have access to our
7:33emotional life because why?
7:36I'm putting it back on you now.
7:39Yeah, it's
7:42It's possible. Or um perhaps maybe we've
7:44just never been
7:46formally taught to go deep into our
7:48emotional lives. Just for curiosity, how
7:50many of you drink wine?
7:52Wow.
7:54Okay. How many of you like are really
7:56into wine?
7:58Yes? So uh sir, like what kind of wine
8:01do you like?
8:02Um Italian wines. Italian wines. And
8:04what about the Italian wines do you
8:06like? I just like the range. The range.
8:08What does that mean exactly?
8:10The various different fruits. The
8:12fruits.
8:13Anything else?
8:15Um
8:16smoothness. Smoothness.
8:20Any particular notes or
8:23flavors or dryness? Well, I like just a
8:26classic style.
8:28Okay. So you can see, you know, if you
8:30like something a lot, you pay more
8:31attention to it and you'll develop a
8:34more sophisticated vocabulary about it.
8:37My hope is after today, perhaps you'll
8:40develop a bit more of a sophisticated
8:42understanding of your inner lives.
8:45Now,
8:47perhaps if I'd asked you the reason why
8:49you're feeling the way you are,
8:51you would have had a little more
8:52clarity. So take a moment now and think
8:54about you chose a quadrant, yellow,
8:56green, blue, or red. I'm going to ask
8:57you now to ask yourself the question,
8:59why?
9:00What's your reason that you put yourself
9:02in that quadrant?
9:05Who can share? Who's in the yellow?
9:06Raise your hand again.
9:08Okay, I'm going to use the front
9:09audience. Sir, why are you in the
9:10yellow? Because I feel that way. Just
9:12because you feel that way. I mean, I'm
9:14feeling happy. You feel happy. Full of
9:16energy, but is there a reason? I I just
9:19had a long trip. Had a good trip. And
9:21everything's fine. The weather's nice.
9:28You know, so there's nothing to do with
9:29my presentation.
9:33You just randomly showed up today.
9:35It's okay. All right. How about for you,
9:37ma'am?
9:40You are happy and motivated.
9:43The inspiration.
9:45The progress.
9:52Great. Well, that's a nice thing to do.
9:54So there are underlying reasons why we
9:57feel the way we do.
10:00Labeling is important.
10:01How about expressing emotions?
10:04How many of you believe that you are
10:06skilled at masking your true feelings?
10:10Raise your hand.
10:12How many of you believe that even though
10:13you're skilled
10:15most people read through the mask?
10:18Okay. So, that's a little bit of a
10:20conundrum there, right?
10:22Uh we'll talk about that a little later.
10:25Finally, I'm going to ask you to think
10:26about your strategy. So, I'll be here
10:28for about an hour talking about this
10:30work on emotional intelligence, and
10:32maybe you'll go on a roller coaster ride
10:33of emotions. Maybe you'll go feel
10:35inspired, then maybe you'll get a little
10:36bored, hopefully not. Maybe you'll get
10:38irritated with something I say, you'll
10:39disagree.
10:41My question for you is what is your
10:42strategy
10:44for sort of My goal for you is somewhere
10:47between yellow and green. I don't want
10:48you to be too excited and jumping out of
10:50your seats.
10:51Nor do I want you to thinking sort of
10:52being in the deep green, maybe like
10:55sitting, you know, on the dock by the
10:56bay drinking a glass of wine. I'd like
10:59you to be sort of moderately energetic
11:01and moderately pleasant.
11:04So, my question to all of you
11:06is what's your strategy?
11:11Yes. Look at the positive things in your
11:13life. Look at the positive things in
11:15your life, very good. Other thoughts?
11:17How about for this presentation?
11:19Remember to breathe. Remember to
11:21breathe, that's a good thing.
11:23Any other strategies? Yes, ma'am in the
11:24red.
11:25Pay attention. Pay attention.
11:28That's an interesting I want to just go
11:29to that for 1 second.
11:31How many of you have ever told your
11:32child to pay attention?
11:36Yeah. How many of you have even done it
11:37like this? Pay attention. Yeah.
11:41Uh
11:42How many of you believe uh
11:45and how many of your children like
11:46immediately just pay attention?
11:49Yeah.
11:50Yeah. So, one thing I'm going to
11:51challenge with you challenge you today
11:53to think about is when we say things
11:56like how many of you have said something
11:57like I need you to calm down.
12:01Anyone?
12:02Yeah.
12:03And how many of you have shown in your
12:05own research that really works well?
12:09It tends not to work very well. Pay
12:10attention. I need you to focus. Focus.
12:14The question is what are we actually
12:15doing to focus?
12:17What are the strategies? What are the
12:18underlying mental processes that we're
12:20teaching children and adults to focus,
12:23to calm down, to pay attention?
12:27What I've done for you so far is really
12:29taken you through
12:30the components of emotional
12:32intelligence.
12:33I asked you to plot yourself. I asked
12:35you to think how you're feeling.
12:37Then I asked you to think about the word
12:38and the reason for your feeling state.
12:42I asked you to consider
12:43how are you expressing this? What is the
12:45what how are you showing it to the world
12:47around you?
12:49How many of you believe that where you
12:50are on the mood meter
12:53is
12:54correlated with how you're expressing
12:56yourself right now.
13:00Raise your hand if you're in the yellow,
13:00please.
13:03Okay. So, just to give you a little bit
13:04of feedback.
13:05Some of you yellow, high energy
13:07pleasant.
13:12You know, I'm not totally Yeah, there we
13:14go. Yellow is yellow. Yeah, here you go,
13:16right?
13:19And then I'm asking you now at the end
13:20to think about the strategy.
13:23So,
13:24my hope for you during this weekend is
13:27that you're going to be experiencing
13:28lots of pleasant emotions.
13:31Joy, contentment, excitement, maybe even
13:34go to feelings of ecstasy.
13:38So, what is this thing emotion about
13:39emotional intelligence?
13:41The historical view of emotional
13:42intelligence doesn't look so great, does
13:44it?
13:46This is what ancient philosophers, stoic
13:48philosophers, even psychologists,
13:50educators said about emotion. Passion
13:53and reason are antithetical.
13:56Rule your feelings lest your feelings
13:57will rule you.
13:59So, the idea of an emotional
14:01intelligence millennia ago or even just
14:03a hundred years ago probably would not
14:05have occurred.
14:06As a matter of fact, even more recently
14:08I was taking a car service back from the
14:10airport and the driver asked me, he
14:13said, you know, what do you do for work?
14:14And I said I study this thing called
14:16emotional intelligence. And he said,
14:18emotional intelligence? That's an
14:20oxymoron.
14:23And that is the way most people think
14:25about emotional intelligence. How can
14:27you be intelligent about your emotional
14:30life when your emotions are these
14:31idiosyncratic impulses that drive you to
14:34different sides, maybe the dark side?
14:38What we now know is a much different
14:41story.
14:42Is that emotions matter, and they matter
14:44a great deal for multiple aspects of our
14:46daily lives.
14:48From our attention, memory, and
14:49learning.
14:50Has anyone here ever experienced
14:52anxiety?
14:56How many of you are being treated for
14:57anxiety?
15:01Uh you know, we we know when we're
15:03feeling anxious that it's hard to
15:05concentrate. I mean, by definition, you
15:07know, our brains are we're either
15:08ruminating or we're obsessing on
15:10something.
15:11Think about for example, a child who's
15:14being bullied in school.
15:16What it's like for that child.
15:18Worrying about going from class A to
15:20class B. Worrying about going from
15:23school to home.
15:26When your brain is focused on dealing
15:29with very strong unpleasant emotions,
15:32how can it be available for learning?
15:35Think about it.
15:37Now, that's a negative example, but the
15:38same thing goes with positive examples.
15:40When you're so focused on your upcoming
15:42vacation, you just can't wait to go away
15:44that weekend.
15:45Very hard to focus, unless of course you
15:47have effective strategies.
15:50Decision-making and judgment. Just for
15:52curiosity, how many of you have ever uh
15:55made a bad decision?
16:00How many of you made a bad decision in
16:01the last week?
16:03So, we we're making decisions every day
16:06of our lives, every minute pretty much.
16:09And what our research shows is that
16:10emotions are behind a lot of our
16:12decision-making. For example, we now
16:15study educators, the lives of educators.
16:18And most recently we published a study
16:19looking at how teachers' emotional
16:22states affect their evaluation of their
16:24students.
16:26So, how many of you I'm going to This is
16:28a trick question now. Believe that
16:30grades are objective.
16:34Nobody raised their hand, of course.
16:36Um if I hadn't primed you, you might
16:37have changed your mind.
16:39So, we did a study where we showed that
16:40if we put teachers in the yellow versus
16:43the blue, just by having them think
16:44about a good versus a bad day,
16:47that after that few minutes of writing
16:50when we gave them an essay, a middle
16:53school student's essay to grade,
16:55there were one to two-fold grade
16:57differences between the teachers' grades
16:59who were in those different mood states.
17:02So, what's interesting about that is not
17:04necessarily I knew that was going to
17:05happen because that's what I study.
17:08Negative moods are going to shift you to
17:09be more narrow. Positive moods are going
17:11to make you more expansive.
17:13But for me, the most important piece was
17:15this. After the study was over, we asked
17:17teachers, do you believe that your
17:20emotional state influenced the way you
17:22evaluated your student?
17:25What percentage of the educators said,
17:26of course?
17:30Zero. You're so pessimistic.
17:34Again.
17:35Most. 90%
17:38said there's no way
17:40that my emotions would have changed the
17:42way I thought about this essay.
17:45But yet when we showed them the the bar
17:46graphs, there was a full grade
17:48difference.
17:50So, what's interesting about that is
17:51what?
17:53What's interesting is that emotions are
17:55affecting our judgments and
17:56decision-making, but we're not conscious
17:58about it. We're not aware of it.
18:01More soon.
18:03Relationship quality. How many of you
18:06um when you're at work
18:08or even in your own family, love to be
18:10around the angry, disgruntled,
18:11dysregulated family member?
18:15Anyone? Like you see that that person at
18:17work who's always irritated and kind of
18:19nasty, and you say, that's who I want to
18:22go for coffee with today.
18:24Most of us don't want to be around
18:26people that display a lot of negative
18:27affect.
18:29Um nor do we want to be around people
18:31who misread us constantly.
18:35Lots in the relationship quality area.
18:37Finally, physical and mental health.
18:39When you think about what emotional
18:41intelligence is, the ability to
18:43recognize and understand and regulate
18:45our emotions, how can we be healthy
18:47physically or and um mentally without
18:51having effective strategies and
18:52self-awareness?
18:57So, those decades of research led Peter
18:59Salovey and Jack Mayer to come up with
19:03this idea of emotional intelligence.
19:05As a matter of fact, the history of this
19:07work is kind of fun. They were both
19:08doing independent research projects that
19:10were along the same lines, and they
19:12became close friends, and Peter and Jack
19:14were painting Peter's house when he was
19:16an assistant professor here living in
19:18Fairhaven.
19:19And all of a sudden they were having
19:20this conversation. They were talking
19:22about their research, and
19:24each one The story is nobody knows who
19:26really said it first. Um my guess is
19:28that they don't want to tell anybody
19:29about it. And all of a sudden this idea
19:32says, well, what if there were this
19:33thing called emotional intelligence?
19:36And then the aha happened.
19:39And the idea was that there are two
19:42things. One, individual differences.
19:45That some people are just going to be
19:46gifted
19:48in terms of their emotional life.
19:49They're going to read people like that.
19:51They're going to have effective
19:52strategies to manage their emotions.
19:54Other people will not be so skilled in
19:56this area.
19:58And the other piece of it was that it
19:59could be seen as a mental ability. That
20:02there would be a way to measure it and a
20:04way to sort of study it to show that it
20:06made a difference in people's lives.
20:10More recently, we've narrowed these
20:12skills down to what we call the ruler
20:14skills. The first is recognizing
20:16emotions. So, for example, looking at
20:18all of your facial expressions and I'm
20:19thinking
20:20Wow, this is not going so well.
20:24Um I am looking at your facial
20:25expressions thinking, "Okay, are you
20:27interested? Are you bored? Are you
20:28tired? Are you questioning my what I'm
20:31saying?" That's a natural thing for me
20:33as someone who studies this. All of you
20:36now will just walk around every I
20:38imagine you know leaving here going to
20:39the inauguration like this.
20:42Become paranoid about everybody's facial
20:43expressions.
20:45Understanding emotions, where are they
20:47coming from?
20:49Why do I feel angry? What is the theme,
20:51for example, around anger versus sadness
20:53versus pride?
20:56Labeling, what are the words?
20:58Expressing, how do I express myself in
21:00appropriate ways in different contexts?
21:03And then finally regulating emotions.
21:05So, let's break these down a little bit.
21:07When we talk about recognizing emotions,
21:09we're we're thinking about it in terms
21:11of identifying emotion in oneself, so my
21:14own physiology, my own thoughts, and
21:16others
21:19by looking at data.
21:20Facial expressions, body language,
21:23posture, gesture, vocal intonation.
21:27How many of you can tell how someone is
21:30feeling by a conversation on the
21:31telephone?
21:34You get that vibe, don't you? Let's try
21:35it right now.
21:37Let's imagine that you want to show the
21:39world on the telephone or in person
21:43the feeling of compassion.
21:45But you're not going to say anything.
21:47You're not going to use words, you're
21:48just going to use a sound.
21:50Are you ready?
21:52On the count of one, the group everyone
21:54in here is going to make the sound for
21:56compassion.
21:57Three.
22:00Two.
22:02One.
22:03Go.
22:06All right, guys.
22:08So, there is something unique about
22:10compassion, right?
22:12All right, now we're going to do awe,
22:13like you're in awe. I have to be careful
22:15cuz I'm from New Jersey. Aww.
22:17Uh
22:19You're going to do the sound of awe.
22:20You're in awe of someone or something.
22:22Ready? Three, two, one, go.
22:27Compassion.
22:31That sounded a little bit like despair.
22:35Let's go back to awe.
22:39All right, we're going
22:41I have There is some We have some work
22:42to do.
22:45Understanding of emotion, where do our
22:48feelings come from? How do they
22:50influence our thinking, our judgments,
22:52our decision-making, our behavior?
22:55That study I showed you earlier, how
22:57when you're in that yellow mode, you
22:58just sort of like say, "That's a great
23:00essay." Versus when you're in that blue
23:02mode, you say, "Uh-uh, you missed that
23:04little, you know, semicolon or uh that's
23:07not the best word to describe that
23:09feeling state right there."
23:11So, we know that our emotions are
23:13constantly affecting our thinking and
23:15judgment.
23:19As a matter of fact, you can see from
23:22our mood meter now, we can move away
23:23from language and start thinking about
23:25how the brain works.
23:27And what are the activities that we
23:28might want to engage in in a classroom
23:30in each of these quadrants? Cuz there is
23:32a bias in our culture. Everybody wants
23:34to be happy all the time.
23:36Um how many of you believe it's
23:38realistic to be happy all the time?
23:43That's good. Nobody raised anyone who
23:45raised their hand. It's not realistic.
23:47There's death, there's
23:49breakups, there's all these things in
23:51life.
23:53Yellow is great for creative writing and
23:55brainstorming, for example. I want to
23:56get people in a group and have generate
23:58ideas for a topic, let's go. Put on loud
24:00music, everyone gets together
24:03generating ideas. Not the best place for
24:06deciding on what you're going to move
24:08forward with, though, is it?
24:10Think about it. You're feeling really
24:12pleasant, everything's fantastic,
24:14someone asks you a question, go for it
24:17without really
24:19thinking about it. The green is
24:20wonderful building for building
24:22consensus, for getting people's opinions
24:24together, nice calm energy. So, what do
24:26you think?
24:28Hmm.
24:30Blue. Some people say, "Blue? Why would
24:32I want to ever be blue?"
24:34Well, has anyone here ever
24:36wanted someone to express empathy
24:39to them?
24:41Please raise your hand.
24:43Empathy's a good thing. Empathy tends to
24:45be a blue feeling.
24:47You're expressing your concern, you're
24:48expressing your feelings, you're walking
24:50in their shoes.
24:51So, we want children to be able to
24:53generate a feeling of empathy.
24:56A lot of people say, "Red? Anger? Why
24:58would I want anger?"
25:00Well, think about it.
25:01There's injustices in this world. As a
25:03matter of fact, my anger for the way our
25:06state, not just this state, but our
25:08nation is dealing with bullying and it
25:10infuriates me. It infuriates me that
25:12people think that you can solve problems
25:14by creating zero tolerance policies or
25:16by telling people you have to give
25:18bystanders,
25:19you know, the courage to stand up to the
25:21bully.
25:22I was one of those kids who was bullied
25:24in school.
25:25And guess what? You know, I may look
25:27pretty confident now, but at 13, I was
25:29pretty introverted and and and not and
25:32quite sensitive. So, the idea that
25:34someone is going to tell me to stand up
25:35to somebody who's bigger than I am and
25:36tougher than I am and say, "Leave me
25:38alone."
25:39It's pretty scary.
25:41It doesn't really take into
25:41consideration a lot of knowledge about
25:44child development or individual
25:46differences in personality.
25:48So, that anger that I feel about the way
25:50our world manages constructs and ideas
25:54motivates me. It motivates me to work
25:55harder, to go down to Washington, D.C.
25:58and make speeches to lobbyists.
26:01So, you can see here that
26:03from our perspective, from an
26:04emotionally intelligent perspective, all
26:06emotions are valid and important. It's
26:09what you do with them.
26:10Think about it. That red is useful, but
26:12if you're dysregulated and nasty,
26:15not useful.
26:17If you convert it to passion,
26:20now you have a difference.
26:23Labeling emotion, building that
26:25vocabulary to describe ourselves
26:27clearly.
26:28So, I do this a lot and I'm going to do
26:30it I'm going to ask all of you right
26:31now. You have 10 seconds to work with
26:33someone at your where you are, and I'd
26:35like to know from you what the
26:36difference is between jealousy and envy.
26:3910 seconds, go.
27:03All right.
27:12Okay.
27:14Time is up.
27:18Who feels confident? Who feels like
27:21absolutely confident
27:24that they can share? Yes, sir?
27:26Envy is when
27:29somebody has something that you would
27:30want and you're glad for them that they
27:32have it. Okay. Jealousy is when you
27:35don't want
27:37Okay.
27:39So, jealousy is more negative than envy,
27:40you're saying?
27:42Any other thoughts?
27:47This is yell, by the way. You're
27:48supposed to be thinking.
27:52Yes, sir? I I
27:54associate jealousy
27:56with uh
27:58the life of a couple. Ah. Marriage. And
28:01I associate envy with wanting to have
28:04what someone else has. Interesting.
28:07So, are you a couple? No. No? Okay, well
28:10well, that's good. Come here. Come here,
28:11come here. By the end of the weekend,
28:12you're going
28:14What's your name? Dana. Dana, would you
28:16mind coming up? Oh, no. Come on.
28:19No, no, I need I need you. No, no, no.
28:20It takes 2 seconds, I promise.
28:23I like Dana's right. So, you're not
28:24going on the stage. So, everyone, Dana
28:26and I, just so you know, we've
28:29we're going on a date.
28:30And we're walking down the street
28:32and all of a sudden,
28:34what's your name again, sir? Andres.
28:35Andres.
28:37She sees Andres. Just take a look at
28:39Andres.
28:40Very handsome.
28:41He's very handsome, yeah. But I I want
28:42you to give him a look like you've never
28:44given another man before.
28:48See, it's going to happen.
28:50Um
28:50Now, I notice Dana, right? Yes. Looking
28:54at Andres that way, how do I feel?
28:58Jealous. So, now it's obvious. So,
29:00jealousy is about
29:07relationships.
29:09Jealousy has to do with relation I'm
29:10jealous that you have a nicer tie than
29:12me, I'm envious. But jealousy is about
29:15dynamics, it's about relationships.
29:16Thank you, Dana. Thank you.
29:23Now, my question is, you know, some
29:25people say, "Oh, well, this is like
29:26intellectual jargon babble, you know,
29:28who cares about the difference? I mean,
29:30we just use these terms." Why would I
29:32want a child or a teacher to understand
29:35the difference between jealousy and
29:36envy?
29:38Yes. Well, envy might inspire the child
29:41to
29:42take action.
29:44Yes. Whereas jealousy is itself in Yeah,
29:48jealousy can cause more violence, more
29:51aggression.
29:52So, the strategies that I might use or
29:55teach a child who's feeling jealous in a
29:57classroom would be very different than
29:59the strategy I might teach a child who's
30:00feeling envious.
30:03Expressing emotion.
30:05For curiosity, does anyone here know
30:08anyone who is socially inappropriate?
30:12Anyone?
30:13Yeah.
30:15Um that's where this skill comes into
30:17play. It's not knowing like the how and
30:19the when to express your emotions.
30:22Um I won't give you any personal stories
30:23in this area cuz they're not
30:24appropriate.
30:25But my point here is that there is that
30:29level of appropriateness that has to do
30:30with context and culture.
30:33Um I'll never forget when I I My other
30:35career is I'm I'm a martial artist. I
30:38know I don't look like one, but uh
30:40I have a fifth-degree black belt in a in
30:42a martial art called hapkido.
30:44And when I've gone to Korea, when I went
30:46there the first time, I remember very
30:48vividly my Americans used to say, "Don't
30:50look at anybody in the eyes."
30:52Right? It's rude and you know,
30:53inappropriate. So, I remember meeting my
30:54teacher saying, "Hello." You know,
30:56"Hello."
30:58And of course, he thought I was like
30:59some weirdo from America. You know, it's
31:01not that extreme, right? There's subtle
31:03things.
31:04Um here, right? When I When I teach in
31:07my martial arts studio, everybody, you
31:08know, bows. You know,
31:11I don't think any of you are going to
31:11bow to me at the end of this
31:12presentation, although
31:14that's a bad idea.
31:17The So, there are cultural rules that we
31:19have to be sensitive to.
31:21There are rules between New York and
31:23Connecticut.
31:25I mean, I remember when I was a student
31:26in New York City, I would work in coffee
31:28shops on the Lower East Side. My friends
31:30would come in and say, "Mark, I'm
31:31depressed. I'm bloated. I'm tired. I'm
31:33irritable."
31:34You know, now I live in New Haven,
31:35Connecticut, and it's sort of like,
31:36"Hello."
31:39It's a little different here
31:40emotionally. I would say, "I haven't
31:41gotten a hug in 10 years."
31:43Um
31:45I'm exaggerating a little bit. But there
31:47are differences. There are differences
31:49in the way people communicate about
31:51emotions.
31:54Regulating emotions. How many of you
31:56believe that your lives would be
31:59somewhat healthier, happier, even
32:01better,
32:02if you had more strategies to regulate
32:06your own emotions, raise your hand.
32:09Most people agree with that. It's
32:11interesting.
32:12Another question. How many of you
32:14believe you'd be healthier and happier
32:16if everyone
32:18who you lived with
32:19had more strategies to regulate their
32:21emotions?
32:22Yeah.
32:24Yeah.
32:25Yeah.
32:27This is when, you know, couples therapy
32:29begins after this part.
32:33What we want to make sure we do is
32:36give people, teach people
32:38effective strategies for managing their
32:40emotions. And there are a lot of them.
32:43Most of us know the negative ones like
32:45negative self-talk, rumination, worry,
32:48abusing substances.
32:51What about positive self-talk? What
32:53about positive reappraisal?
32:55What about visualizations?
32:58What about other more active strategies
33:00like doing some yoga or exercise or
33:02taking a walk?
33:05And what we know is that emotion
33:06regulation is more complex than we
33:08originally thought it was. It's not just
33:09about down regulating the negative
33:11emotions like anger management, stress
33:13management. How many of you have ever
33:15taken a course in optimism induction?
33:21Think about it. It'd be nice to teach a
33:22little bit of strategies to be more
33:24optimistic, wouldn't it?
33:25Or happiness maintenance.
33:30The way we think about emotion
33:31regulation is in terms of helping people
33:33prevent unwanted emotions, reducing
33:35unwanted emotions,
33:37initiating emotions that may be
33:39necessary to achieve a goal. A good
33:41leader, for example, has to be skilled
33:43at inspiring his team or her team.
33:46You got to be able to generate a feeling
33:47in a room
33:48so that people can
33:50be thinking in the way that you want
33:52them to think. Like getting in that
33:53yellow for that brainstorming session or
33:56in that blue for that reflection.
33:59Maintenance to me is interesting. How do
34:00you maintain emotions?
34:02I always joke that I like to do work in
34:04coffee shops. It's just the way I like
34:05to do my work. And uh oftentimes I do my
34:08writing in in different coffee shops
34:10around town, and my brother will call
34:11me. And he'll say things like, you know,
34:13"How you doing?" Same. I'm doing fine.
34:15"Well, I hear all that noise in the
34:16background. Where are you?" I'm in a
34:18coffee shop.
34:19"Oh, so you're working in a coffee
34:20shop?" Yeah. "So, the university pays
34:23you to sit in coffee shops?"
34:24Um sort of.
34:26Um and like, that's okay?
34:29And all of a sudden, like you're in that
34:30flow state, you're feeling really
34:31positive, you're working. You start to
34:33Maybe I should be in my office, you
34:34know. Am I doing something wrong? Like
34:36maybe I should be out of here.
34:38So, you have these pleasant emotions
34:39that people try to pull away.
34:42Has anyone ever had a dream stealer in
34:43their life?
34:44Someone who like, you know,
34:46"Wow, it's great that you get to work in
34:47coffee shops. You should come work where
34:50I am."
34:51And my question is, how do we bring
34:53people back up? How do we keep them
34:55there? So, when I get off the telephone,
34:56I'm feeling irritated and annoyed at my
34:58brother, that I can go back to that
35:00place where I was feeling flow and
35:02focused.
35:07We spend a lot of time thinking about
35:08how do you measure this thing called
35:11emotional intelligence. And you can do a
35:12number of do it a number of ways. First
35:14is you can ask the person directly.
35:15We're going to try that right now.
35:18As a matter of fact, we're going to do
35:19it differently. I want you to look at
35:21the person or the people
35:22um that you came with. Just take a look
35:24at them for a minute.
35:28Anyway, look at somebody else. Look at a
35:29stranger.
35:31Somebody you might know.
35:33And I want you to just ask yourself this
35:34question.
35:36How much more emotionally intelligent
35:37are you than that person?
35:43Raise your hand if you think you're more
35:44emotionally intelligent than the person
35:45you're with.
35:47No, you know, nobody's going to do that.
35:48Now, here's the interesting thing about
35:50that. When I've done research on this,
35:52like paper and pencil, like secret,
35:54with my even yellow undergraduate
35:56students, 80%
35:58say they're more intelligent and
36:00emotionally intelligent than their
36:02neighbor, than their partner.
36:04For those of you who are familiar with
36:05like probability and statistics, you
36:07know, 80% can't be smarter than the
36:09other 80%.
36:12So, asking the person directly is
36:14probably not the way to go.
36:16That self-report
36:17is complicated, right? Well, if you ask
36:19me like, "How emotionally intelligent
36:21are you?" I'd say, "Well, compared to my
36:22father, I am an emotional genius."
36:25Compared to the Dalai Lama, you know, I
36:26need some work.
36:28So, there's no reference point. It's
36:29very complex our our knowledge. First of
36:32all, where have we learned to be
36:34emotionally intelligent? You can ask
36:36other people.
36:39How many of you would rely on your
36:40children's rating of your emotional
36:43intelligence?
36:46Uh we won't go there today.
36:48But we tend to find that informant
36:50reports, or sometimes people call it 360
36:53reports, are really not about your
36:55skills, but about your reputation.
36:58Whether or not they like you or not. Not
37:00necessarily how skilled you are at
37:01something.
37:03And then finally, you can ask the person
37:05to solve emotion-related problems,
37:07which is the way our center manages the
37:10study of emotional intelligence.
37:13So, Peter and Jack, Peter Salovey and
37:15Jack Mayer and David Caruso developed a
37:16test years ago called the MSCEIT, which
37:19was an ability-based assessment tool. It
37:21was asking people to solve problems,
37:23look at facial expressions, decode them.
37:26Give you complicated vignettes and say,
37:28"What would be the best way to manage
37:29that situation?"
37:32What we're doing now in our center is
37:33working with gaming companies to build
37:36virtual tests. We're using avatars, so
37:38we're going to bring people into a world
37:40and having uh requiring you to sort of
37:42look at the world and make judgments
37:43about expressions and deal with
37:45emotions, which we're very excited
37:46about.
37:48But unfortunately, self-knowledge is
37:50quite limited.
37:53And it's interesting because our world
37:55has tried to move towards very sort of
37:57simple ways of doing this. And uh what
38:00our research shows is that measuring
38:02emotional intelligence by asking people
38:03like, "How good are you at regulating
38:05your emotions?" and things of that sort
38:06just doesn't have any validity.
38:11Everybody wants to know what does this
38:12predict about people's lives?
38:17We've done a lot of studies on students,
38:19young adolescents. What we know is that
38:22children with higher emotional
38:23intelligence tend to experience less
38:25anxiety.
38:27They tend to have less depression.
38:29They tend to be less likely in middle
38:31school and high school to abuse alcohol,
38:34drugs, and cigarettes.
38:36They tend to be less aggressive and less
38:38likely to engage in bullying behavior.
38:42They also are perceived by their
38:44teachers and their peers as being better
38:46leaders.
38:49They're more attentive and less
38:50hyperactive.
38:52And what's important in our nation right
38:54now is economic performance. And what we
38:56show is that children with higher
38:58emotional intelligence just do better
38:59academically. They have those skills to
39:02manage those challenging moments.
39:04What's interesting to me about this work
39:07is how powerful that skill of emotion
39:10regulation is in determining the quality
39:13of your academic performance.
39:15And my my own life is an example. I was
39:17unfortunately
39:19um and not Well, when I was in my early
39:2220s, my mother passed away right before
39:25I came and went to graduate school.
39:27And I remember being in that room taking
39:29the GREs
39:30to go to graduate school, and it was
39:32just a few months after my mom had
39:33passed.
39:35And just literally like these Who's the
39:37protagonist? Who's the antagonist? I
39:39mean, I was so just in the grieving
39:42space that I couldn't focus. I couldn't
39:44take the test well.
39:46And I I realized it had now as an adult
39:49a bigger adult that it had nothing to do
39:52with my ability to problem-solve. It's
39:55just that my emotional life was
39:56interfering at that moment in my life
39:59with my cognitive ability.
40:01And what I hope happens is that people
40:04take that more seriously. That people
40:05understand the nuances that some people
40:08have anxiety around testing.
40:10Um some people are um
40:13in a place in their life where they're
40:14not capable of doing complex
40:17problem-solving because of outside
40:19influences. Like that child who is being
40:21bullied in school.
40:25We've worked on emotional intelligence
40:26among educators themselves and look what
40:28we know. They're more positive about
40:30teaching. They receive more support from
40:32their principals.
40:34Go figure.
40:35They even report greater job
40:37satisfaction have less burnout.
40:41We've moved beyond the study of
40:42emotional intelligence in children and
40:44adults and gone into studying the
40:46dynamics of classrooms. So what we do is
40:49we work with other researchers to
40:51develop systems of coding the quality of
40:54interactions between teachers and
40:55students.
40:57And then what we do is we use those data
40:59to predict performance. So for example,
41:01a teacher who uses more positive
41:03nonverbal behavior.
41:05A teacher who regards a student's
41:06perspective and brings them into the
41:08learning environment. Who uses less
41:10cynicism and sarcasm.
41:12And when we code that using videotape
41:14analysis and then we use it to predict
41:16things, we find the following. Students
41:19in those classrooms are just more
41:20engaged learners.
41:22They have better quality relationships
41:24with their teachers.
41:26They're more prosocial.
41:29And they perform better academically.
41:31So
41:33how many of you are starting to have
41:34more buy-in for the power of emotional
41:37intelligence? Anyone?
41:40If you don't raise your hand, you have
41:41to leave.
41:43We've also had the opportunity to study
41:45managers and leaders of organizations.
41:48Because people want to know, well what
41:49does it do with the real world, you
41:51know, when someone's in their 20s, 30s,
41:5340s, 50s and beyond in the workplace?
41:55And as you can see here
41:57adults, managers of organizations, are
42:00just better off when they have these
42:02skills.
42:04As a matter of fact um we did a study
42:07with a Fortune 100 company recently
42:09where we had the 100 managers of this of
42:12this company take our test of emotional
42:14intelligence. And we had the CEO, the
42:16CFO, and the COO of that organization do
42:18a rating of the 100 managers.
42:22And that last question was one I just
42:23experimented with and which was this, if
42:25you had to leave this company tomorrow,
42:27would you do anything to take that
42:28person with you? And they had to rate
42:30every one of those 100 managers on that
42:32particular question.
42:34That was the strongest correlate of
42:36emotional intelligence.
42:38People just want to be around people
42:40that have these skills.
42:42And it's interesting for me because when
42:44I'm here you're here I am at Yale
42:45University working with some of the
42:47brightest students in the world.
42:49And I teach I used this is my first day
42:51teaching was in this classroom actually.
42:54And I had about 380 students in my class
42:57and I looked at all of them and I said,
42:58"Wow,
42:59in 4 years from now
43:01on paper
43:03you're all going to look
43:04exactly the same.
43:06You have great SAT scores.
43:09You have perfect GPAs.
43:11You've studied abroad in a country that
43:13I've never heard of.
43:15You play an instrument that only three
43:16people know how to play.
43:19But you're going to go apply for this
43:20job.
43:21And you know, when you I get about 30,
43:2340, 50 applications a year to work in
43:24our center now
43:26I don't look at their grades. I mean,
43:27who cares at this point? I know they're
43:29smart enough to do the work.
43:30So what are the things that I'm looking
43:32for?
43:33It's can they work in a as a team?
43:36Do they make you feel comfortable? I
43:37actually, because I like coffee shops, I
43:39have what I call the coffee shop
43:41criteria.
43:42Which is in the first 30 seconds, if I
43:44say to myself, I would love to go to
43:46have a cup of coffee with this person
43:47and just shoot the breeze,
43:49that's my decision-making.
43:51And because I get that feeling that
43:53they're going to be interesting, they're
43:55going to be creative, they're going to
43:56have they they're going to know how to
43:57ask you questions. All the things that
43:59we tend not to really teach.
44:05People always ask, how does this thing
44:07called emotional intelligence develop?
44:09And of course you have nature and
44:10nurture. Simple psych 101.
44:13How many of you just for curiosity are
44:15biologically predisposed like me to be
44:18more anxious and worried about things?
44:21Anyone?
44:22Okay. The front row. So you must really
44:24want to
44:26They're like, we we came to learn.
44:28We want those strategies.
44:30So that's the nature piece, right? We
44:32all have a temperament, a personality.
44:36And some of us are more just like
44:39prone to being attuned and aware of
44:42emotion.
44:43We also all grew up in a family.
44:46Some of us grew up, you know, were
44:48raised by wolves. Some of us were raised
44:51by people who really knew a lot about
44:52emotion.
44:53I have a question for all of you. How
44:55many of you believe as you think about
44:57your own childhood for a minute
44:59you didn't think you were going to have
45:00to do that today.
45:01Like don't do that to me.
45:04Believe that you grew up in an in a
45:06family environment where emotional
45:08intelligence was nurtured.
45:11Please raise your hand.
45:14So a few of you.
45:18That's
45:19my goal is for that number to be
45:21much larger in the next decade.
45:24Every parent should be learning these
45:25skills. Every parent needs to know how
45:27to talk to their students about
45:29emotions.
45:30I did a training I was at a boarding
45:31school yesterday in upstate New
45:33Hampshire.
45:34And I had about 150, 200 parents and one
45:37parent said, "So you mean it's okay for
45:39my son to be sad?"
45:41And I'm like, "Yeah, it's okay."
45:44What do you mean? Like what do you mean
45:45by that? She's like, "Well, like you
45:47know, I just want him to be happy all
45:48the time." I said, "That's great. But
45:50the reality is that he's going to have
45:52some disappointments in his life.
45:54And you know, sometimes being there for
45:56a little while, let me think about the
45:57some of our most creative people are the
45:59artists of our generation. That sadness
46:01is what inspired them to develop their
46:04products. As a matter of fact, we now
46:06have a study that shows that people who
46:08are more creative just biologically, who
46:10are more open to experience
46:13only
46:15are rated in terms of their products as
46:17being creative when they're high in
46:19emotional intelligence.
46:21And think about it. Why is that? Because
46:24when you're creative and you're trying
46:26things out, you're going to fail a lot.
46:28You're going to have disappointments a
46:29lot. And unless you have those
46:31strategies to manage that
46:32disappointment, that creative potential
46:34just will not be unleashed.
46:38Our goal is to make sure, as I say,
46:40everybody with a face gets trained in
46:41emotional intelligence.
46:44Because what we know is that when you
46:45have that training from preschool to
46:47high school and beyond
46:49you have those important outcomes in
46:50life.
46:52So I think we're here. I asked you this
46:54question already. You know, most of us
46:56didn't get this training.
46:59And most of us don't have concrete
47:00tools.
47:01So what I want to share with you for my
47:02last few minutes is what do we do in
47:05schools and other organizations about
47:07this thing called emotional
47:08intelligence?
47:10And we've developed an approach that we
47:11call RULER.
47:13People in New Hampshire tend to call it
47:14Rula.
47:17Makes me crazy, but it's okay.
47:20And the idea behind RULER is that
47:21educating the mind without educating the
47:24heart is no education at all. Not an
47:27original quote, by the way. Millennia
47:29ago this was said.
47:30My question is why is it taking until
47:322014 for our nation's education system
47:35to take this seriously?
47:36Still pushing. We have a lot of work to
47:38do.
47:40We have what we call the anchors of
47:41emotional intelligence.
47:44How many of you remember when you were
47:45at school that there were rules?
47:48Classroom rules, school rules, right? No
47:51running, keep your hands to yourself.
47:54Only talk when, you know, this years ago
47:56was probably, you know, only talk when
47:57spoken to. I mean, all these crazy
47:59rules.
48:00What we find is that How many of you
48:01like to break rules?
48:03I hate rules.
48:05I love finding a way to break those
48:07rules.
48:08We decided to move away from rules and
48:10say, "Let's think about the environment
48:11that we want to create."
48:13Knowing that that positive climate in a
48:15classroom matters so much,
48:17how can we be in
48:19um
48:20not What's the word I'm thinking of? How
48:22can we be intentional about creating it?
48:26So we ask kids and students, how do you
48:27want to feel in school?
48:29You'd be blown away by what they say.
48:31They say, "I want to feel respected. I
48:32want to feel supported. I want to feel
48:33valued. I want to feel empowered. I want
48:35to feel inspired."
48:38And then we say, "Well, what do you have
48:39to do on a daily basis in order to have
48:41those feelings? What are the behaviors
48:42that you can engage in
48:44to make sure that everyone in your
48:45learning environment feels that way?"
48:48And knowing that there's going to be
48:49conflict and aggression, what can we do
48:51to prevent it and manage it?
48:54And that's done from the leadership down
48:55to the student level.
48:57We all We've learned that Mood Meter
48:59already, building that self-awareness.
49:02The third tool is called the Meta
49:03Moment.
49:05As you can see, it has six steps. This
49:07is our tool for self-regulation.
49:10We make very strong claims in our
49:11research that if you take the six steps
49:13of the Meta Moment seriously, you can
49:14avoid the 12 steps later.
49:17Um
49:18apologies for those of you who I just
49:20offended.
49:21Step one is something happens.
49:23How many of you have triggers?
49:26Like you know about triggers, right?
49:28Like if you think about your home life,
49:29it's like
49:31didn't we agree that you were going to
49:32do that? Remember that?
49:34Or at work, people who trigger you.
49:37Little things, right? The littlest
49:38things.
49:40Some big things, too.
49:42We want to teach people to be aware of
49:43their triggers.
49:44We know that all emotions affect the way
49:47we think, our physiology, and our
49:48behavior.
49:50So, what we're doing is giving children
49:51and adults that knowledge of how our
49:53emotions are affecting the shift in our
49:56thinking.
49:57How many of you have been angry in the
49:58last month about something? Anyone?
50:00How many of you knows when you've been
50:01angry, like you're angry about
50:04everything?
50:06Do you know what I mean by that? Like,
50:07I'm not just angry.
50:10Do you remember 3 years ago when we went
50:11on vacation? Do you remember that time?
50:13Do you remember that? Do you remember
50:14last week you promised you were going to
50:16pick that up for me? Do you remember
50:17that? And do you remember when our child
50:19was born?
50:20I mean, you just It's like
50:23you just go back and you just start
50:24digging for that, you know, cuz anger is
50:26one of those emotions you just search
50:28for all the reasons.
50:30We want to stop that from happening. So,
50:33you go to step three and you take that
50:34breath. You activate your
50:35parasympathetic nervous system and you
50:37take that breath and you bring that
50:39hijacked experience down a little bit so
50:43that your prefrontal cortex can help you
50:45to problem-solve and and make sense out
50:48of it and do something. Cuz when you're
50:50hijacked, how many of you experienced
50:52that hijack? Honestly.
50:54And there's no coming back. I'm going
50:56for the jugular.
51:02Step we have, see? It's It's
51:04This is evoking a lot of emotions.
51:07Step four is seeing your best self.
51:10For us, it's important to have
51:12motivation to be regulated. You know, I
51:15I joke a lot. I say, "Sometimes I take
51:16that breath,
51:18try to calm down, and I say to myself,
51:21'Wow, how am I going to just rip your
51:22head off?'"
51:25So, it's not enough to just breathe.
51:27You have to know how to shift your
51:29mindset.
51:30And that's where our best self piece
51:32comes in, where we teach children, "What
51:33does your best self look like? What does
51:35it look like for you?"
51:36You know, this bring this this lecture
51:38is bringing back memories because I got
51:41the idea for this best self piece
51:43working with my colleague Robin, and
51:45also by teaching a course where one of
51:47my students wrote an article
51:49about my course on emotional
51:51intelligence. And the article title was
51:53The Feelings Master.
51:55And I started to I was a little
51:56embarrassed by it, of course, you know,
51:57like The Feelings Master. But then I
51:59started thinking like, you know, wow,
52:01like
52:02how's The Feelings Master walk?
52:04You know?
52:06I have The Feelings Master has good
52:07posture. I tend to be a schlepper, you
52:09know? No, feeling And then The Feelings
52:11Master has students. You know, I get
52:12some of those winners, you know, like,
52:14"Professor Brackett, I've got a
52:15question, but I'm not sure you're going
52:17to know the answer."
52:20Love those students, you know? And you
52:21know that feelings non-master is like,
52:24"All right, you're kidding me, right?
52:26Like you're kidding me.
52:28You're kidding me.
52:29Did you know about the research that I
52:30do on emotions and judgments and
52:33grading? Do you remember that?"
52:39So, I can't go there. I got to be The
52:41Feelings Master. The Feelings Master
52:43says, "This is a teachable moment.
52:45Let's talk about that. Do you think
52:47that's the best way to approach your
52:48professor to engage him in the process
52:51of higher-order thinking?"
52:54And then, when we have that best self
52:55activated, we can strategize
52:57effectively. We can choose and use
52:59adaptive versus maladaptive strategies
53:02and then have more success in our social
53:04interactions.
53:05Knowing that sometimes problem-solving
53:08doesn't work,
53:10that you try it in the moment, but you
53:11fail. Even I, you know, I've been
53:13working on this stuff for years. Even at
53:15home sometimes I think, "Mark, you're
53:17The Feelings Master." And then that that
53:20that piece from here says, "And he
53:23DOESN'T CARE RIGHT NOW.
53:26GO FOR IT."
53:28And then, of course, you know, I'm
53:29sleeping alone on the couch that night.
53:31But
53:32you never regret taking a minute a
53:34moment. I can promise you that. You
53:35never regret being your best self. You
53:38always regret
53:40being dysregulated.
53:43Problem-solving. We have to teach our
53:45children, from our perspective, to
53:48empathize, to build perspective-taking
53:50skills,
53:51to not just look at it from the me me me
53:53me, but from the we and the us and the
53:55hour.
53:56So, when we have a conflict in schools,
53:58what we do is say, "It's not just about
53:59you. Uh-uh.
54:01How did you think the other person felt?
54:03What were they feeling just before that
54:04whole argument um got started?" And get
54:07them to really think about the dynamic
54:09in the relationship.
54:11And that's our blueprint. And very
54:13importantly, we train everybody with a
54:15face.
54:16I don't care who you are in the school,
54:18whether you work in the front office, or
54:20whether you work in the back office, or
54:22whether you're the superintendent or the
54:23preschooler.
54:25Everybody's learning this stuff.
54:28And we have a theory for why that makes
54:30a difference.
54:32We don't just sit in coffee shops all
54:33the time, by the way. We actually do do
54:35science.
54:36And
54:37what we know is that when you train
54:40leaders, teachers, and staff, when you
54:42train this classroom and give that
54:44curriculum in that classroom, and when
54:45you bring in families and teach parents
54:47the same skills and the same tools that
54:49their children are learning,
54:50great things happen.
54:53You get to enhance the skills of all
54:55people in that environment, and that
54:57also helps to shift simultaneously the
54:59culture.
55:00So, there's a common language. So, a
55:02superintendent can walk into the
55:03preschool and say, "Hey, how you feeling
55:06today?" And the little boy will say,
55:06"I'm in the yellow." And me, too. What's
55:09your strategy? I'm going to stay there.
55:14And then we show in our research that
55:15when you enhance people's emotional
55:17intelligence and shift the culture and
55:19climate, you get those important
55:21outcomes that we all care about for our
55:23children and the adults involved in
55:25their education. Better engagement and
55:27achievement, better relationships, less
55:28bullying and aggression, greater health
55:30and well-being.
55:33The the
55:34student at the end.
55:36We've done a number of research studies
55:38to show
55:40that this stuff really matters.
55:44Experiments in schools to show that when
55:45schools can adopt this approach,
55:48these are the kinds of outcomes you can
55:49expect. Less anxiety and depression.
55:52Children become better problem-solvers,
55:53have greater social and leadership
55:54skills,
55:56experience fewer attention and learning
55:57problems, and they also perform better
56:00academically.
56:03That climate that I said matters so
56:04much, we've shown that we can shift that
56:06as well.
56:07We shift between 10 and 50% in just 1
56:10year,
56:11all three of these, the emotional
56:13climate. Children feel more engaged.
56:15They want to be there.
56:17The instructional climate. Teachers
56:18become better instructors in general,
56:20better modeling of language, better
56:22classroom management.
56:26I'm going to wrap up today by showing a
56:28short video.
56:30Um I have had the privilege
56:33to travel around the world to do this
56:35work. And right now our approach called
56:38RULER is in about 700 schools throughout
56:40the world.
56:41And many years ago I was in England,
56:44where I began a lot of my international
56:46work.
56:47And I had the opportunity
56:50to uh really do some interesting studies
56:53in England, as well as create a um
56:56a
56:57a lab in a school. And there was a
56:59little boy in the school who I never met
57:01until
57:02after he had been trained
57:04in emotional intelligence. His name is
57:06Gareth. And Gareth was a little boy uh
57:09who was horrifically bullied
57:11in his elementary school and then went
57:13to this middle school that was very
57:14different. They had embraced emotional
57:16intelligence.
57:17And this is a poem that he wrote in his
57:19class on emotional intelligence about
57:22his experiences of bullying and the way
57:24he thought about it now as
57:27a little bit different than he thought
57:28about it previously.
57:32You're ugly. I know, I've been told
57:35this. You're silly. I know, I've
57:37realized this. You look like an alien. I
57:40know, it's been pointed out to me. You
57:42have big eyes. I know, I've looked in
57:44the mirror.
57:45You can't be a pilot, you're not smart
57:47enough. It is possible, I have
57:48considered this.
57:50With every insult you invent, it's
57:51strange, but it's true. You point out my
57:53many failings and help me to improve.
57:56But you highlight my many weaknesses,
57:57you also highlight our strengths.
57:59My ugliness leads to my kind
58:01personality.
58:02My silliness brings laughter to the
58:04world.
58:05Our alienness to me only highlights my
58:06intelligence.
58:08My big eyes portray my feelings and
58:10widen my view.
58:11I may not make it as a pilot, but I
58:13could be.
58:14You see, every insult you invent gives
58:16me a view into your mind. Now I have
58:18many problems, I feel sorry for you.
58:20Why, oh why do I feel sorry for you?
58:23Because your mind cannot break free.
58:25The wall of insults you build limits
58:27your mind and feelings. So, soon if you
58:29don't stop, you'll turn into human
58:31and have the biggest problem of all,
58:33loneliness.
58:34Think about it.
58:43So,
58:44you know, as we think about this boy's
58:46life in school,
58:48how was he able to get He was a C D
58:50failing student in fifth and sixth
58:52grade. How could he have been successful
58:55when that's the way he felt about his
58:56life, when that's the way he felt he
58:58thought other people felt about him?
59:02Gareth went into the school where he was
59:04feeling much safer, more confident. He
59:06was developing skills.
59:08And he wrote this poem, and originally
59:09he, you know, they were doing public
59:11speaking, and then he said, "I just I'm
59:12not ready and I'm I'm scared to share it
59:14cuz I don't know what's going to happen
59:15if I share it." And the teacher, of
59:17course, having been trained, said,
59:18"Well, you know what, Gareth? That's
59:19okay. You don't have to share it right
59:21now.
59:22But is it okay if I share it with other
59:23teachers?"
59:25He said, "That would be fine."
59:26So, here is now in this new elementary
59:28school middle school,
59:30the poem has been brought around and
59:32teachers come out, "Gareth, my goodness,
59:33you're so articulate. Gareth, that poem,
59:35how meaningful, how wonderful that poem
59:37was." His self-esteem is building.
59:40He says to his teacher a few weeks
59:41later, "I'm ready to read it to the
59:43class."
59:44He reads it to the class. Lo and behold,
59:46he gets a standing ovation from his
59:48peers. They say, "We wouldn't treat
59:49anybody like that here. That's not the
59:51way we do business in this school."
59:54And what's interesting about Gareth,
59:56this is about three or four years ago
59:58now, I've gone back to this school. He's
1:00:00in high school now. And I remember
1:00:03sitting just about two years ago in the
1:00:04cafeteria, working, you know, having
1:00:06meetings, and he came up to me, "Sir, do
1:00:07you remember me?"
1:00:09I said, "Of course I remember you. I've
1:00:10been exploiting you throughout your
1:00:11America."
1:00:14And um
1:00:16I said, "Of course I remember you." And
1:00:18he goes, "You know, I want to be a
1:00:19poet." I said, "That's fantastic." And I
1:00:22said, he goes, "And I have a girlfriend
1:00:23now." I said, "Great." And he says, "Do
1:00:25you want to read some more of my poems?"
1:00:26I said, "Absolutely." And he's like
1:00:27brings me this pile of things.
1:00:29And he walks away and he says, "You
1:00:31know, sir, look for me on the
1:00:34bookshelves."
1:00:37You know, I can't take credit for Gareth
1:00:39cuz I wasn't his teacher.
1:00:41Um
1:00:43And I get emotional just thinking about
1:00:45it because when I think about what it
1:00:46was like for him,
1:00:49like it was for me in elementary school,
1:00:51not having that ability to connect, not
1:00:53having that ability to feel safe and and
1:00:57valued. How could you survive in that
1:01:00environment? Now he's in a place where
1:01:02he feels safe, where he feels valued,
1:01:04where he can succeed.
1:01:06From the reading of his poem, we know
1:01:07that he's academically gifted.
1:01:10But you can't
1:01:12show your academic or cognitive ability
1:01:14if you're feeling oppressed or you're
1:01:16feeling
1:01:17undervalued or not valued.
1:01:19So I will end
1:01:21uh today by reading a poem
1:01:24by Rumi that really gets at the value
1:01:27and importance of all emotions. This
1:01:30being human is a guest house. Every
1:01:32morning
1:01:33a new arrival, a joy,
1:01:36a depression,
1:01:37a meanness,
1:01:38some momentary awareness comes as an
1:01:41unexpected visitor.
1:01:43Welcome and entertain them all.
1:01:46Even if they're a crowd of sorrows who
1:01:49violently sweep your house empty of its
1:01:51furniture, still treat each guest
1:01:53honorably.
1:01:55He may be clearing you out for some new
1:01:57delight.
1:01:58The dark thought,
1:02:00the shame, the malice,
1:02:02meet them at the door laughing
1:02:05and invite them in.
1:02:07Be grateful for whoever comes because
1:02:09each has been sent as a guide from
1:02:12beyond.
1:02:13So I want to thank you for your time and
1:02:15attention, and I hope you have a
1:02:16wonderful, wonderful weekend here at
1:02:18Yale. It was and indeed a privilege and
1:02:21a pleasure to present to all of you.
1:02:23Thank you.

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