EFCT Skills Couple's Video 2 — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:01Okay, hi Priya and Raj. Thank you for
2. 0:04taking this time to come in for your
3. 0:06first home session.
4. 0:08And we just going to um
5. 0:10use a therapy that's called EFT.
6. 0:14>> Mhm.
7. 0:15>> And we just going to um not solve
8. 0:17problems. We're just going to have a
9. 0:19discussion.
10. 0:20>> Okay.
11. 0:21>> Okay, so with something if when there's
12. 0:25a disagreement or misunderstanding
13. 0:28in the marriage,
14. 0:30who speaks first about it?
15. 0:32>> So most likely I would be speaking if
16. 0:34there is any disagreement or something
17. 0:36most likely. So I would be the problem
18. 0:38creator so I speak first.
19. 0:40>> So when there's a disagreement or
20. 0:42misunderstanding,
21. 0:43Raj is the first person to speak about
22. 0:46it. Is that correct, Priya?
23. 0:48>> Yes, ma'am.
24. 0:49>> Okay, since Raj is the first one that
25. 0:52speaks, I want to speak to him first and
26. 0:55then I'm going to come back and I'm
27. 0:56going to speak to you about events that
28. 0:59happened that you feel were important
29. 1:01and you felt that he didn't listen to
30. 1:04what you were saying. Is that okay?
31. 1:07>> Yeah.
32. 1:07>> Mhm.
33. 1:08>> Okay, Raj, could you tell me about one
34. 1:10event, something that happened that you
35. 1:14were um it was a disagreement that you
36. 1:17um could tell tell me about briefly?
37. 1:20>> Um so generally I'm the person who wants
38. 1:22to be on time or before time.
39. 1:25If we plan to go for a movie night, I
40. 1:29would I would be ready on time and she
41. 1:31takes
42. 1:33much time to get ready to go outside so
43. 1:36that gets
44. 1:38uh that that gets me irritated and just
45. 1:41I shout at her like it's getting too
46. 1:44late to go outside. Please make it fast.
47. 1:47I yell at her. I shout at her.
48. 1:49>> Okay, Raj, so what I'm hearing you say
49. 1:52is that you plan a movie night. You
50. 1:55wanted to go out. You like to be early.
51. 1:58You don't like to be late. You don't
52. 1:59like to be on time. You want to get
53. 2:01there a little bit early, but you feel
54. 2:04that Priya
55. 2:06did not watch the time, and it made you
56. 2:11a little upset.
57. 2:12>> Yeah.
58. 2:13>> So, how were you feeling inside work?
59. 2:15Could you describe your emotions when
60. 2:17you were ready to go to the movie?
61. 2:19>> So,
62. 2:20generally she takes time time to get
63. 2:23ready for her makeup or for the things.
64. 2:27I I just
65. 2:29I just get frustrated. I shout at her
66. 2:32couple of times. If she's still taking
67. 2:34some time, I just don't talk with her
68. 2:37for some time for some time. At least
69. 2:39till we go to the movie. I just
70. 2:41didn't I talking with her
71. 2:44till we go for movie. Yeah.
72. 2:46>> Okay, I can understand it. You want to
73. 2:48go to a movie. It's movie night. It's
74. 2:50the weekend. You're excited about it.
75. 2:53She's [clears throat] Y'all You worked
76. 2:55all week. She's been at home with the
77. 2:57kids. And you ready to just go to the
78. 3:00movie so y'all can enjoy time together.
79. 3:03But at the same time, she you feel
80. 3:06Priya's taking her time. She's not
81. 3:08moving fast enough, and you ready to go.
82. 3:11You worked hard. You want to relax. You
83. 3:14don't like to get to the movie late, and
84. 3:17she knows this, but you feel why is
85. 3:19Priya taking this time? And I could I
86. 3:22could sympathize with you about that.
87. 3:25You feeling a little upset. You're
88. 3:28getting agitated because you ready to
89. 3:30just enjoy time with her.
90. 3:32And you feel she's taking her time. So,
91. 3:35when you express to her you're ready to
92. 3:37go to the movie, what happens? How do
93. 3:41you react?
94. 3:45>> So, I forget everything when she she's
95. 3:47beside me with kids. I just forget
96. 3:49forget. I uh my anger goes on. My I
97. 3:52leave my anger and I just speak with her
98. 3:55normally. So, once she would be beside
99. 3:58me,
100. 3:59uh I lose my anger. I can be very
101. 4:01comfortable and I can talk with them.
102. 4:04>> Okay, so when you came home and you told
103. 4:06her let's go to the movies, you had
104. 4:08planned for movie night. What was Priya
105. 4:11doing?
106. 4:12After you told her, "Let's get to the
107. 4:14movies."
108. 4:15>> She would be busy with her kitchen
109. 4:17things. She would She needs to get ready
110. 4:19our kids on time.
111. 4:21>> Okay.
112. 4:21>> Obviously,
113. 4:23I would be taking a nap when they are
114. 4:26when she would be doing her work. I just
115. 4:28take
116. 4:29maybe 5 minutes to get ready to
117. 4:31for to get ready for the movie.
118. 4:34>> Okay, it takes you about 5 minutes to
119. 4:35get ready for the movie.
120. 4:37And how long does it take Priya to get
121. 4:39ready to get
122. 4:41to go to the movie?
123. 4:43>> Obviously, it takes time, half an hour.
124. 4:45>> Half an hour?
125. 4:46Okay, I can see it takes you 5 minutes.
126. 4:49It's taking her 30 minutes. You don't
127. 4:52want to be late. You want to get there
128. 4:53early. And then get you're getting a
129. 4:55little frustrated and you feel
130. 4:58a little angry.
131. 4:59>> Yeah, sitting waiting for a person half
132. 5:02an hour that gets you obviously
133. 5:03irritated, right?
134. 5:05>> I can understand that. You worked hard
135. 5:07and you just want to spend time with
136. 5:09her, but you think, "Okay, it takes me 5
137. 5:11minutes to get dressed and let's go cuz
138. 5:14we don't want to be late. It's traffic."
139. 5:17But you've noticed, yes, she's worked
140. 5:19all day also. She has the kids. She
141. 5:22cooks and stuff. And it's taking her a
142. 5:24little bit more time to get dressed.
143. 5:27>> Right.
144. 5:27>> So, when you go to see what she's doing
145. 5:32and you feel she's still 30 minutes into
146. 5:35it, what do you do at that moment?
147. 5:39>> I just sit. I just think like I would be
148. 5:44sitting idle thinking, "Oh,
149. 5:47why is she every time this much time?
150. 5:49That's it.
151. 5:50>> Okay, so when you notice 5 10 minutes
152. 5:53has gone by, she's still putting on
153. 5:56makeup, checking on the kids, you're
154. 5:59just so ready to get to the movie, and
155. 6:01you feel she's taking too much time.
156. 6:04>> Mhm.
157. 6:04>> And she knew this during the week, you
158. 6:06had already talked about going to the
159. 6:08movies, and here comes the day, let's go
160. 6:11to the movies, and what is she doing?
161. 6:14She's putting on makeup, talking with
162. 6:17the kids, checking on the clothes.
163. 6:19You're just ready to go, so you just
164. 6:21walked away, sat down to kind of calm
165. 6:24yourself down because you were getting
166. 6:25frustrated.
167. 6:27>> Okay.
168. 6:28>> So for some point of time I just give up
169. 6:30and
170. 6:31I just think let her come when she's
171. 6:33ready.
172. 6:34>> Okay, so
173. 6:36you know she works hard also, and she
174. 6:38has the kids and other responsibilities,
175. 6:41and you're not angry angry with her,
176. 6:44you're just a time person.
177. 6:46You want her to notice, okay, I'm taking
178. 6:495 minutes, this is our movie time. You
179. 6:53would like for her to cut her time
180. 6:54getting dressed
181. 6:56together.
182. 6:59>> Maybe I think that's what over the years
183. 7:02I realized and I
184. 7:05I cut down my anger on that.
185. 7:07And we are now we are working together
186. 7:10to get the things sorted out sorted out.
187. 7:13>> Okay, so I can understand both of you
188. 7:16work, and on the weekend you plan a
189. 7:19movie time, and you would just want you
190. 7:22spend a little less time to get dressed
191. 7:25to go to the movies, maybe 5 minutes,
192. 7:27and you feel she's taking 30 minutes,
193. 7:30and you want to get there early, not be
194. 7:33there late, so you would just wish she
195. 7:35would take
196. 7:37be a little bit more considerate about
197. 7:39the time it takes to get to the movies
198. 7:41to get there a little bit early. Is that
199. 7:42about right?
200. 7:43>> Yes.
201. 7:44>> Okay.
202. 7:44>> Okay, Priya, so how do you feel about
203. 7:47that? He worked planning movie night. It
204. 7:51took him 5 minutes. But you also work
205. 7:54and you have household duties to do, the
206. 7:57kids to do, and you want to look good
207. 8:00for them. So you decided, I'm going to
208. 8:02put on a little makeup and it took you a
209. 8:04little bit more time. So hearing him say
210. 8:08he wants to spend time with you, he
211. 8:11planned the movie, so how do you feel
212. 8:14why he got angry?
213. 8:16>> Like that, no. I don't feel anything. I
214. 8:18I agree with him.
215. 8:19>> You were saying you were
216. 8:20>> I am not agree. I I
217. 8:23I argue with him.
218. 8:25>> So y'all had a little argument during
219. 8:27movie night.
220. 8:27>> So she will feel that she will fight
221. 8:28with me.
222. 8:29>> Everything I
223. 8:30Everything I will explain. I'm doing a
224. 8:32lot of things.
225. 8:34So I'm working, I'm cleaning everything.
226. 8:36So give me
227. 8:38time to
228. 8:38>> Give you a little
229. 8:39time
230. 8:40to get yourself together because you had
231. 8:42>> angriness. I argue with him.
232. 8:45>> Okay. So we going to step back for a
233. 8:48little moment.
234. 8:50Raj has explained the event. Movie night
235. 8:53is important to him. He likes to get to
236. 8:55the movie early.
237. 8:57And you at the same time, you like movie
238. 8:59night, too. But you feel I have worked
239. 9:02hard, I've cooked, I've worked with the
240. 9:04kids. You want to put on a little makeup
241. 9:06on and take a little time and relax to
242. 9:09get ready to go to the movie.
243. 9:11Okay, can you tell me about something
244. 9:14that happened that was important to you?
245. 9:17And you felt
246. 9:20upset,
247. 9:22angry
248. 9:23that
249. 9:24that he wasn't thinking your thing was
250. 9:27important. Could you describe something?
251. 9:39>> Like generally, she's trying to tell you
252. 9:42that
253. 9:43I'm going to go with the video.
254. 9:49>> Oh, about the cooking?
255. 9:51>> Not cooking.
256. 9:52>> She's Yeah, she has got the same
257. 9:56>> Uh actually, we like to visit most of
258. 9:58the places.
259. 9:59Uh
260. 10:00we like traveling everything. We both
261. 10:03like traveling, visiting
262. 10:05>> Okay.
263. 10:05>> But,
264. 10:06he likes only
265. 10:09capture the
266. 10:10>> Enjoy with the nature
267. 10:11>> with the nature, everything in the
268. 10:13outside.
269. 10:14>> Okay.
270. 10:14>> So, I like I want to capture myself on
271. 10:18that same
272. 10:19location, and I want to capture my kids
273. 10:22>> She wants to have the photographs with
274. 10:24everything.
275. 10:24>> And uh I I need to spend that location
276. 10:27with my husband.
277. 10:28>> Okay.
278. 10:29>> So, on that time
279. 10:31uh
280. 10:32he is
281. 10:35I don't
282. 10:36>> So, I get irritated. Let me enjoy the
283. 10:39nature. We can take the photographs
284. 10:41later.
285. 10:42>> He won't allow the photos.
286. 10:44>> Okay. So, what I'm hearing from you
287. 10:46you're saying is that
288. 10:48y'all like to do nature.
289. 10:50>> Yes.
290. 10:50>> And take You like to take pictures.
291. 10:52>> Yes.
292. 10:53>> He wants to enjoy the nature outside,
293. 10:56but you on the other hand
294. 10:58>> In the future, when I we will see that
295. 11:01location, yeah, we went there.
296. 11:04Uh see the
297. 11:04>> Okay. So, you like to take pictures of
298. 11:07everywhere you go with you, the kids,
299. 11:09all of y'all together, but he doesn't
300. 11:12want to take pictures.
301. 11:13>> Yes. Yes.
302. 11:14>> He wants to get
303. 11:15>> my family
304. 11:17uh picture.
305. 11:18>> Okay, you do a family picture.
306. 11:20>> Yes. I have the same
307. 11:21feeling. My son won't allow that one.
308. 11:23>> So, that makes you feel
309. 11:27How do you feel when he doesn't want to
310. 11:29take
311. 11:30Bad.
312. 11:31>> Bad.
313. 11:31>> You feel bad.
314. 11:32>> Sad.
315. 11:33>> Sad.
316. 11:34Okay, so when you're feeling sad
317. 11:36>> The next 10 The next 10 minutes, he
318. 11:39agreed that one. Okay,
319. 11:42come we will take picture. That time my
320. 11:45mood is
321. 11:47upset.
322. 11:48>> Okay, so you're upset. You want to take
323. 11:51a family picture. That's important to
324. 11:53you because you want to show your kids
325. 11:55later, "Hey, we went to this place and
326. 11:57took this picture together as a family."
327. 11:59>> The picture will take time 1 minute. The
328. 12:03The
329. 12:03argument will take a lot of time.
330. 12:06>> So, you just want 1 minute to take a
331. 12:09picture and you getting a little angry
332. 12:11because he don't want to take a picture.
333. 12:12He just want to enjoy nature.
334. 12:15>> will take
335. 12:165 to 10 minutes. The picture will take 1
336. 12:18minute.
337. 12:19>> So, when you're ready to take that
338. 12:21picture, what is he doing? You're
339. 12:23saying, "Let's take a picture." What do
340. 12:25he do?
341. 12:28>> Just he will irritate.
342. 12:30>> He just what?
343. 12:31>> Uh let me see the things not It's not
344. 12:34the picture. I have just enjoyed the
345. 12:37nature. So, we have come here not to
346. 12:39take the pictures. Just see the things.
347. 12:41Enjoy the things.
348. 12:42>> So, y'all have You're ready to take the
349. 12:44picture and he's like, "No, let's enjoy
350. 12:47the moment. Let's not take this
351. 12:48picture."
352. 12:49>> Mostly we will go the trips for
353. 12:51families.
354. 12:52>> For families?
355. 12:53>> Yeah.
356. 12:54With families we will go four families,
357. 12:57three families. So, they are capturing
358. 12:59everything.
359. 13:01They They are enjoying with the family
360. 13:02and they are capturing with
361. 13:05photos.
362. 13:05>> Okay, so I understand that.
363. 13:08>> Yeah, yeah.
364. 13:09>> You like family
365. 13:10>> I will ask him, he won't allow that one.
366. 13:13That time
367. 13:14I I feel very sad.
368. 13:16>> I can understand your sadness. It's a
369. 13:19family trip. It's all the families. All
370. 13:21the other families are taking pictures
371. 13:23together and he wants to enjoy the
372. 13:26moment. You want to take 1 minute to
373. 13:29take a picture.
374. 13:30He's enjoying nature.
375. 13:33So, you're getting upset.
376. 13:36And you wanted him to just take the
377. 13:37picture.
378. 13:39So, when he just turns away enjoying
379. 13:43nature,
380. 13:44>> Yes.
381. 13:44>> you're feeling a little upset. So,
382. 13:48what do you do? Do you still take the
383. 13:49picture with your son with the kids?
384. 13:52>> Uh
385. 13:53I'll take pictures of the kids.
386. 13:56Uh I don't know why.
387. 13:59>> So, Raj, you've heard us say she likes
388. 14:02taking pictures. A family picture,
389. 14:04that's important to her.
390. 14:06To her, 1 minute, take the picture, you
391. 14:09can still enjoy nature.
392. 14:11So, when you hear her saying she's
393. 14:13feeling sad and it's getting her a
394. 14:15little upset because you didn't want to
395. 14:17take the picture,
396. 14:18so how do you feel now when you hear her
397. 14:22say that how important a picture is for
398. 14:25her?
399. 14:26>> Yeah, initially like
400. 14:29I want to enjoy the nature.
401. 14:31So, she gets upset after
402. 14:34after some time I realize that okay, we
403. 14:37we came for an outing to enjoy.
404. 14:40I just I just don't like being
405. 14:42being sad.
406. 14:44Yeah, she's being sad. So,
407. 14:47finally I
408. 14:48I get the
409. 14:49picture, yeah.
410. 14:51>> Okay. So, I'm going to do a recap of our
411. 14:55session today.
412. 14:57Uh the first person I I started out
413. 15:00with, who speaks first when there's a
414. 15:02disagreement about something or you're
415. 15:04upset?
416. 15:05And Raj says he speaks first. And then
417. 15:08he mentioned a moment when he wanted to
418. 15:10do movie night, which is on on the
419. 15:13weekend.
420. 15:14He says it takes him about 5 minutes to
421. 15:16get ready, and he likes to get to the
422. 15:19movie early. He doesn't like to arrive
423. 15:21on time or late and he said he felt that
424. 15:24you would take 30 minutes a little bit
425. 15:26longer but he also know that you work
426. 15:29also and you work with the kids, you
427. 15:32have the household duties to do and
428. 15:35while he was a little frustrated you was
429. 15:37taking longer to get dressed to go to
430. 15:40movie night, you just wanted him to know
431. 15:43yes I want to do movie night also but I
432. 15:46wanted to just get a little makeup on
433. 15:49feel a little bit special to enjoy movie
434. 15:52time together
435. 15:54and then you also said that you love
436. 15:58taking family pictures, he loves
437. 16:00enjoying enjoying nature and when you go
438. 16:03places you have a good time but you get
439. 16:06a little upset because you want one
440. 16:08minute to take the family picture and he
441. 16:10wants to just enjoy nature, look around,
442. 16:13he doesn't really like taking the
443. 16:15pictures but then he realizes you love
444. 16:18to take the pictures and other families
445. 16:21are with you and they're taking pictures
446. 16:23so he do decide I'm going to take the
447. 16:26picture but for that moment it was
448. 16:28important to you,
449. 16:29you were expressing your emotion, it
450. 16:32made you a little upset because you were
451. 16:34feeling that that wasn't important to
452. 16:37him, it was important to you but then
453. 16:39y'all did take the picture.
454. 16:42So on our next session we just going to
455. 16:44speak a little bit more about expressing
456. 16:46our emotions and how we can come to an
457. 16:50agreement when we do have disagreements.
458. 16:53Is that okay?
459. 16:55Thank you.