Ed Kemper Interview - 1991 — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00Ed keer was detained in a mental
2. 0:02hospital from the age of 21 for the
3. 0:04murder of his grandparents but was later
4. 0:06released in the advice of psychiatrists
5. 0:08within 2 years he had decapitated and
6. 0:10mutilated six students as well as his
7. 0:12mother and her best friend he sometimes
8. 0:14raped the corpses in 1973 he gave
9. 0:17himself up since when Ed keer has been
10. 0:19detained in a reform Hospital in
11. 0:21California have you got anything for me
12. 0:23Paul
13. 0:26[Music]
14. 0:41Vacaville prison near San Francisco is
15. 0:43the largest prison in the west with
16. 0:45around 10,000
17. 0:49inmates Ed keer teaches computer science
18. 0:52here and takes part in a program
19. 0:54recording literature for the blind all
20. 0:57of which will help him earn early
21. 0:58remission
22. 1:08my younger sister's 2 years younger and
23. 1:12I developed some morbid games um my life
24. 1:16had started going that way at about 8 at
25. 1:18a certain time of the evening the family
26. 1:20left the center room the the living room
27. 1:22of the house my mother and my sisters or
28. 1:25my sisters themselves would go up to bed
29. 1:27upstairs where I used to go to bed
30. 1:29upstairs
31. 1:31I had to go down to the basement and an
32. 1:338-year-old child had a tough time
33. 1:35differentiating the reason in that why
34. 1:38am I going to the basement I'm going to
35. 1:40hell or going to heaven and what were
36. 1:42those games that you played with your
37. 1:46sister
38. 1:49je well the one I
39. 1:52remember uh someone talking about in a
40. 1:54in a book was one who was playing gas
41. 1:57chamber or electric chair or something
42. 1:59and we had this big old over stuffed
43. 2:01chair up in my room and we we'd uh it
44. 2:04was not just my sister and I it was my
45. 2:06sister and I and a friend close friend
46. 2:08we got into all these games we got into
47. 2:10one game where we'd roll up in a rug and
48. 2:13a person who would try to get out of it
49. 2:14is just like a large throw rug and it
50. 2:17was uh I guess what fascinated us
51. 2:20individually about it is it was a
52. 2:25completely uh it broke up the monotony I
53. 2:28guess of what we were doing didn't have
54. 2:29a lot of toy to play with uh we got
55. 2:31bored with those pretty quickly so we
56. 2:33looked for things to do you roll up in
57. 2:35the rug and and you try to get out the
58. 2:37other two would leave the room and we
59. 2:38see who could get out fastest you know
60. 2:39you try to work your way out sideways or
61. 2:42scoot out the end of it or whatever and
62. 2:44uh went from that to being tied in this
63. 2:46overstuffed chair with a cord or
64. 2:49something or or pieces of sheet or sash
65. 2:52or something and uh it went through this
66. 2:55process I guess that's back in 1960 when
67. 2:58uh Carol chesman was executed what were
68. 3:02those fanes he what were they
69. 3:06yes
70. 3:08um possessing the severed heads of
71. 3:12women men didn't turn me on that wasn't
72. 3:14very I couldn't appreciate the
73. 3:16appearances of a guy that when I was
74. 3:19young I was about eight or nine years
75. 3:21old I went to a this little come on it
76. 3:24was like at a record store or something
77. 3:26and they had this crowd of kids there
78. 3:28and there was a magic show and this guy
79. 3:30you've probably seen a the fake
80. 3:32Guillotine hand pressed and they put the
81. 3:34potato there and someone puts their neck
82. 3:36in the uh in the brace and they slam
83. 3:39this thing down and the potato down
84. 3:41below chops in two but the person's head
85. 3:44doesn't fall off right and everybody
86. 3:46gets very fascinated by that oh my God
87. 3:48and then when he puts the blade in place
88. 3:49and he pushes it down it goes through
89. 3:51that neck hole but it never chops
90. 3:53anybody's head
91. 3:54off okay so he wanted to volunteer out
92. 3:57of the I'm not standing In This Crowd
93. 3:59watching the show and he wanted to
94. 4:01volunteer out of the audience and some
95. 4:03quite beautiful little 16-year-old girl
96. 4:05gets up there and it's big laugh and all
97. 4:07gidy and stuff and I started getting
98. 4:09caught up in this I said
99. 4:12wow right at that moment I departed
100. 4:14reality because logically I should have
101. 4:16been able to ascertain that that could
102. 4:18not happen you're not going to get away
103. 4:19with chopping somebody's head off in the
104. 4:20middle of
105. 4:22uh the middle of hel Ina Montana the
106. 4:24capital
107. 4:25city um but the concept of it was was so
108. 4:30raw and it was titillating I says wow
109. 4:32Jak I got to watch this and he had her
110. 4:35girlfriend come over and put her hands
111. 4:38there to catch her head so it wouldn't
112. 4:39fall in the basket you know and he was
113. 4:41making jokes about this I got caught up
114. 4:43in this this um this interplay between
115. 4:47normal concerns you don't want to get a
116. 4:48bump on her head well hey if you're
117. 4:50chopping her head off it doesn't matter
118. 4:52right and this is catching in my mind
119. 4:54somehow and I'm saying wow uh the first
120. 4:57time okay the two girls were killed
121. 5:00around 6:00 p.m. by 11: the next morning
122. 5:03they are both completely gone out of my
123. 5:04life physically all right that's not
124. 5:07even 24 hours the third murder which is
125. 5:09the second incident okay uh I'm in the
126. 5:13middle of trying to get my record sealed
127. 5:15right Thursday night I killed her I took
128. 5:18off Friday I didn't go to work I called
129. 5:20in sick took CTO all right just
130. 5:23remembered her body got rid of her body
131. 5:26but kept her head in her hands because
132. 5:27they're identifiable they're highly
133. 5:30identifiable I kept those at the
134. 5:32apartment okay that Friday night I uh
135. 5:36Thursday night I took her Friday uh
136. 5:39Friday morning she was dismembered
137. 5:40Friday night she was disposed of right
138. 5:44Saturday morning I
139. 5:45left right and I didn't have I wasn't
140. 5:48satisfied that I I took the head along
141. 5:50in the hands but I didn't I couldn't put
142. 5:52them someplace that I would could be
143. 5:53sure they would be dug up by an animal
144. 5:55or just be somewhere it was it's scary
145. 5:57going out there trying to bury somebody
146. 5:59or dispos of body parts in a community
147. 6:01or out in the even in the boonies where
148. 6:03you don't know where you're at and who
149. 6:05can come up at any moment I had some
150. 6:06real close calls there for people that
151. 6:08come out of nowhere and if they if a
152. 6:11body's found and they remember this
153. 6:12beige looking car sitting there the I
154. 6:15that's evidence so it was very very hard
155. 6:17to get rid of this stuff so anyway
156. 6:18Saturday morning I went to see the
157. 6:20psychiatrist in Fresno Saturday
158. 6:22afternoon I saw the other one Saturday
159. 6:24evening I'm with my fiance and her
160. 6:25family over in Turlock Sunday night I
161. 6:28come back to my apartment is
162. 6:31growing could you tell us how long
163. 6:33you've been in
164. 6:34prisoned excuse me
165. 6:37uh this month is 18 years that I've
166. 6:41actually been in prisoned what were you
167. 6:43convicted of 8 counts of first-degree
168. 6:48murder and what was your
169. 6:51sentence 7 years to life um CC that's
170. 6:56called uh concurrent means all the
171. 6:58sentences run at the same time two years
172. 7:02uh before you committed the
173. 7:03crimes uh I think you traveled quite a
174. 7:07lot on the freeways at night or picking
175. 7:10up hitchhikers during the day during the
176. 7:13day yeah I traveled a lot because I'd
177. 7:15been locked up for five and a half years
178. 7:18I had never had a license well I just
179. 7:19gotten a license when I got locked up
180. 7:21the first time a Montana license and uh
181. 7:25uh so I was free the driving around was
182. 7:28a way to exhibit that freedom to
183. 7:31demonstrate it to get the cobwebs out of
184. 7:34me when I first got out I love to drive
185. 7:36I always did love as a kid to drive I
186. 7:39started driving when I was 10 or 12
187. 7:40years old but I got a license when I was
188. 7:4215 up in Montana and then I got locked
189. 7:45up and then uh here in California and I
190. 7:48got out got a license and I just started
191. 7:50driving and that was my main hobby I'd
192. 7:52say and I saw a lot of people out
193. 7:55hitchhiking and I didn't select girls to
194. 7:57pick up I picked up any anybody who
195. 8:00wanted a ride and over that whole
196. 8:02threeyear period it was the same way if
197. 8:04someone needed a ride I picked them up
198. 8:05and less specifically I was looking for
199. 8:07someone to do
200. 8:09in the crimes are it goes from uh from
201. 8:13May to September May 7th Sunday to
202. 8:17Thursday September 14th then it hops
203. 8:20over to January right and then to
204. 8:22February it's speeding
205. 8:24up it's coming to a head it's getting to
206. 8:27where uh it wasn't a cyclical thing but
207. 8:29it was coming to where uh it was coming
208. 8:32more
209. 8:33often and something I didn't tell a
210. 8:35whole lot of people I guess I did tell
211. 8:36in one interview uh shortly before it
212. 8:39all ended I drove up to the Bay Area and
213. 8:42I was well I was living there I was up
214. 8:44in in Alam I was living with my mother
215. 8:46in Santa Cruz and commuting because I
216. 8:48had to work up there and I stayed with a
217. 8:50friend I went out to Berkeley and I
218. 8:52drove ashb Avenue one of the places I
219. 8:54used to drive looking for co-eds and I
220. 8:58drove from um Highway 80 up ashb Avenue
221. 9:01to Highway 13 the first two co-eds I
222. 9:04killed were on ashb
223. 9:06Avenue they were 5
224. 9:08fo2 slight of figure you know uh we call
225. 9:12petite and one's black hair one's blonde
226. 9:15hair okay I'm driving the opposite
227. 9:17direction up Ashby Avenue it's a year
228. 9:19later I'm seeing if I can maintain I'm
229. 9:22not hunting I'm out seeing if I can
230. 9:23maintain I have a weapon in the
231. 9:25car I have every else fitting the the
232. 9:28situation I'm seeing if I can maintain
233. 9:30if I can just let go of it and maintain
234. 9:33and marry this young lady and go
235. 9:34on I go driving up there and here's
236. 9:37these two young ladies 5 foot2 one's got
237. 9:40blonde hair one's got black hair they're
238. 9:43in granny dresses and I'm having [ __ ]
239. 9:45fits because it's like deja
240. 9:48vu and I oh my God and I just I acted in
241. 9:50a way that they wouldn't be paranoid
242. 9:52because I'm a Young Man by myself in
243. 9:54this car I diffused the situation as I
244. 9:57drove up I'd gotten practice at that all
245. 9:59that driving around it wasn't rehearsing
246. 10:01I made a game out of driving around
247. 10:03picking people up and later on I
248. 10:05discerned that some people wouldn't get
249. 10:07in my car because of the situation I'm a
250. 10:09Young Man by myself it's unsafe so I
251. 10:12thought well gee I you know that kind of
252. 10:14put me off I'm not doing anything to
253. 10:15anybody so I want to see if I can change
254. 10:17that situation where they'll want to get
255. 10:19in and I can take them where they're
256. 10:20going because I know I'm not going to do
257. 10:23anything and I got to where I could
258. 10:25diffuse that situation it's how you're
259. 10:27looking if you look oh boy h start
260. 10:29cranking the car over there they're not
261. 10:30going to get in your car cuz they can
262. 10:32see you from half a block away
263. 10:34drooling but if you look at your watch
264. 10:36and say geez I don't know if I have
265. 10:37enough time and you're kind of in the
266. 10:39mirror and looking around you pull over
267. 10:41this guy's just a businessman going
268. 10:43somewhere and get in this car we'll go
269. 10:44where we're
270. 10:45going and it's little games I played so
271. 10:48they get in the car and then we chatted
272. 10:50and I talked about things and I found
273. 10:52out where their orientations were and
274. 10:53their little what they used to judge and
275. 10:55who could get in and who they could get
276. 10:56in with and who they couldn't right and
277. 10:59that sense it's been interpreted as as
278. 11:01uh as what do you call it rehearsing
279. 11:03it's not true it's like playing chess
280. 11:06and then turning it into something ugly
281. 11:08I played chess casually I played chess
282. 11:10more and more thoroughly till I got very
283. 11:11good at it which was picking up people
284. 11:14to where I could make you a bet I can
285. 11:15pick up those two ladies and they'd say
286. 11:17oh man you're crazy those are two very
287. 11:19crafty young ladies who won't get in a
288. 11:21car with a young man by himself etc etc
289. 11:24and I'd win the bet because I knew how
290. 11:26to diffuse the situation even if they
291. 11:28asked where are you headed right and
292. 11:31they had a sign saying where they're
293. 11:32going but they'd ask or even if they
294. 11:34didn't they'd say where are you headed
295. 11:35and I had ways of developing it to where
296. 11:37they wouldn't get
297. 11:38suspicious but it didn't mean I was
298. 11:40going to kill them it meant I was
299. 11:41playing a game and then later when I
300. 11:43started killing people I used that
301. 11:45against
302. 11:47them but initially it was just a hobby
303. 11:49it was a habit it was trying to fill in
304. 11:51the blanks of five and a half years of
305. 11:52not being in society I missed that
306. 11:54flower child generation I missed the
307. 11:56entry into Vietnam all that stuff and
308. 11:59and all these kids are like aliens to me
309. 12:01I say kids I missed 16 17 18 19 20 21
310. 12:06I'm supposed to be associating with
311. 12:07people in their adult years but I missed
312. 12:10a big chunk so I'm out there trying to
313. 12:11fill in the gaps find out why these kids
314. 12:14are the way they are now because they
315. 12:15were totally different from the kids
316. 12:16that I was when I was that age totally
317. 12:19different and I'm trying to fill the
318. 12:21gaps in and then later I changed that to
319. 12:23something ugly and why my mother works
320. 12:26at the University my mother won't
321. 12:29roduced me to any young ladies at the
322. 12:30University because I'm like my father
323. 12:32and I don't deserve to know any of those
324. 12:34young ladies so here she is holding
325. 12:36these little girls up there as too good
326. 12:37for me very special if anything I was
327. 12:41destroying icons I was hurting her
328. 12:44without her even knowing it again is
329. 12:46that picky you little
330. 12:48pity uh ineffectual I'm getting back at
331. 12:52you but I don't have the heart to tell
332. 12:53you what I'm doing see why would I admit
333. 12:56those things on a camera that's
334. 12:59embarrassing it's
335. 13:00humiliating and how would you select
336. 13:02your victims were there I didn't select
337. 13:05them it was random and it was uh also
338. 13:08the the development of the passion if I
339. 13:10was drove they
340. 13:11died like the last two victims I was so
341. 13:14pissed i' have killed anybody got in a
342. 13:16car you said you had a lot of sympathy
343. 13:19and empathy towards Maran pese when you
344. 13:22talked to her but isn't that strange to
345. 13:25say that after you had killed her in
346. 13:27such a brutal fashion a draw there was a
347. 13:30draw to that young lady it was Haunting
348. 13:32I'm not saying I had compassion toward
349. 13:33her when I talked to her I tried to
350. 13:36remember what we talked about in in fact
351. 13:39I think what I said about her was is
352. 13:41that she epitomized what really drove me
353. 13:44she was a hotty young lady she's kind of
354. 13:46stuck up distant I look back on it and I
355. 13:50see a girl that was not beautiful she
356. 13:52was not plain she was somewhere in
357. 13:54between and she was caught up in that
358. 13:56beauty thing like kids in the valley are
359. 13:58okay Valley girls trying to make
360. 14:01something of the themselves and exploit
361. 14:03little attributes they have and to
362. 14:04downplay other ones and she was playing
363. 14:06little Mis distant with me and her
364. 14:08friend was very open and very her
365. 14:10roommate was very open and very a
366. 14:13country girl talking and stuff and it's
367. 14:15sad because the pesh was the uh Maryann
368. 14:19was the uh expert at hitchhiking she had
369. 14:22half her life in Europe she'd hitchhiked
370. 14:24around Europe uh she'd done it in the
371. 14:26United States she was good at it she
372. 14:29didn't want to get in the
373. 14:30car the other girl Anita luchessa wasn't
374. 14:33a hitchhiker she'd been raised by her
375. 14:35family don't do things like that that's
376. 14:36totally out of line and her friend
377. 14:38talked her into it and once she got into
378. 14:41it and she saw how much fun it was and
379. 14:42they meet the different people and they
380. 14:44talk with people that by the time
381. 14:46they're leaving
382. 14:47Berkeley right it's all about who gets
383. 14:50the front seat and who gets the back
384. 14:51seat so she she uh you know she opened
385. 14:54the door and asked where uh I was headed
386. 14:57I mean it says Stanford right on their
387. 14:59the sign they were holding up and I said
388. 15:00I'm going to Palo Alto I can drop you
389. 15:02off oh great and she jumps in grabs her
390. 15:05stuff jumps in opens the back seat up
391. 15:07for her friend who's standing there
392. 15:09looking at me long and serious about
393. 15:12whether or not cuz I could tell at the
394. 15:13time she knows better than to get in
395. 15:16single adult it's a coupe instead of a
396. 15:19four-door car so she cannot get out
397. 15:21other than through the front seat so
398. 15:23that's all the warning signs of not
399. 15:24getting in with a single you know in
400. 15:26that kind of a situation uh all of the
401. 15:28things were wrong about it but when I
402. 15:30drove up I pulled that little stunt of
403. 15:32looking at my watch you know do I have
404. 15:34time to pick them
405. 15:35up and you wouldn't believe how much
406. 15:37effect that kind of thing has and when
407. 15:39she kept staring at me and looking
408. 15:40looking for something wrong in my eyes I
409. 15:44gave this look back like I don't
410. 15:46understand why why you looking at me
411. 15:47like this I gave her that back and she
412. 15:48says oh this guy's a dork he's innocent
413. 15:50as hell she gets
414. 15:53in okay we're driving along and I'm
415. 15:56looking at this young lady in the
416. 15:57rearview mirror and I look back at it
417. 15:59years later and I'm saying she kept
418. 16:00looking me back too right in the
419. 16:01eyeballs I'm wearing dark glasses but
420. 16:05they're not totally dark and I'm
421. 16:06realizing now that she could see me
422. 16:08looking at her and she was looking right
423. 16:10back at me and instead of saying
424. 16:12something to me like what are you
425. 16:13looking at or hey maybe you had to drop
426. 16:15us off or something like that she just
427. 16:17kept looking back at me and I'm looking
428. 16:19at her and she keeps looking at me and
429. 16:20I'm thinking she's playing this little
430. 16:21game it's uh it's not really teasing so
431. 16:26to speak it's just this little
432. 16:27psychological game back and forth than
433. 16:29men and women do sometimes the young
434. 16:32girl in the front uh Anita was uh at one
435. 16:36point in the in the in the driving and
436. 16:38I'm sure they were doing little looks at
437. 16:39each other and little comments that I
438. 16:41didn't pick up because I'm driving and
439. 16:43looking for places to go that uh
440. 16:45somewhere in that communication she gave
441. 16:47me this sexy little look you know like
442. 16:49oh boy you know you're a pretty
443. 16:50goodlooking guy you know da and uh I
444. 16:53smiled back at her but not this hry a
445. 16:56yeah I like to get down with you kind of
446. 16:58thing it was just I smiled back at her
447. 17:00and I saw it for what it was it's an
448. 17:0218-year-old girl that's feeling her oats
449. 17:04she's not doing anything wrong it's it's
450. 17:06sad and it's real pathetic but some of
451. 17:08this stuff was I was getting real caught
452. 17:10up in this girl in the back seat you
453. 17:12know I was
454. 17:14uh she was you know to me at that point
455. 17:16she was really beautiful she had the
456. 17:18most incredible blue eyes right she had
457. 17:20this really shiny black hair that was
458. 17:21turning me on and I was getting drove
459. 17:24because I just kept playing this game of
460. 17:26picking people up and and I plugged in
461. 17:28those fantasy of
462. 17:30killing and you know the titillating
463. 17:33little fantasies and I says
464. 17:36geez uh I keep walking away from that
465. 17:39and I put myself down as being weak for
466. 17:41not being able to do something about
467. 17:43that right so I kept driving and driving
468. 17:46on myself saying I got to do something I
469. 17:48got to do something about
470. 17:54this how were you feeling while you were
471. 17:57killing what well you said especially
472. 17:59the first two which were very messy it
473. 18:01was a shock that first time that
474. 18:02horrified me I did everything stupid
475. 18:04everything wrong if I were trying to get
476. 18:07away with it it was just really really
477. 18:08dumb the knife I fell back on that was a
478. 18:11fallback position I was trying to
479. 18:12smother her that didn't work and she was
480. 18:15struggling against that and arguing with
481. 18:17me about it and
482. 18:20uh
483. 18:22uh I got frustrated and I reached in my
484. 18:25pocket I had that folding knife and I
485. 18:26pulled it out and for a lot of years and
486. 18:29I I I made a point of saying back then
487. 18:31with the investigators when I pulled the
488. 18:33knife out and locked it in a place it
489. 18:34clicked and she said what's that that's
490. 18:37a quote what's that and she was kind of
491. 18:39like a yeah naggie kind of thing what's
492. 18:42that and I couldn't figure out why she
493. 18:44said that like it's not that big an
494. 18:47impact a little clicking sound behind
495. 18:49her you know amongst what's going on and
496. 18:51it hadn't been murderous up to that
497. 18:53point it had been an aggravation and I
498. 18:55was I had her tied up or handcuffed
499. 18:59and um uh it took me years to for it to
500. 19:02dawn on me trying to look at it from
501. 19:04different points of view to understand
502. 19:05these things why she said that you know
503. 19:08why she said that cuz I had brandished
504. 19:11this gun and I had cocked it once and it
505. 19:15clicked so in her mind very possibly I
506. 19:19had pulled the gun out and was going to
507. 19:21shoot her so she said what's that and
508. 19:24thinking I've pulled the gun out now and
509. 19:25I'm cocking it not realizing i' pulled
510. 19:28the knife out I still had the gun in my
511. 19:30pants I stabbed her she didn't fall dead
512. 19:33you're supposed to fall dead you're
513. 19:34supposed to go oh and fall dead I've
514. 19:36seen it in all the movies right doesn't
515. 19:38work that way when you stab someone they
516. 19:40leak to death they lose blood pressure
517. 19:44and you stab them more and more and more
518. 19:46you complicate it many times by where
519. 19:48you're hitting the pain you're causing
520. 19:50and the aggravation of the person
521. 19:51involved plus whether or not they leak a
522. 19:54little faster it wasn't working worth
523. 19:56the damn I stabbed her all over her back
524. 19:58and
525. 19:59and she even turned around and stabbed
526. 20:00her in the side in the stomach once why
527. 20:04as she turned around I could have
528. 20:05stabbed her through the heart but her
529. 20:07breasts were
530. 20:09there and it actually deflected me I
531. 20:12couldn't see stabbing a young woman in
532. 20:13her
533. 20:14breast that's embarrassing I didn't say
534. 20:17that to them back then I don't think I
535. 20:18may have but that's humiliating to admit
536. 20:23that that I was that affected by her
537. 20:26presence I stabbed her in the belly that
538. 20:28had hurt worse I didn't do it to make it
539. 20:30hurt I was trying to shut her up and she
540. 20:33ended up getting her th throat
541. 20:35cut and uh I learned the term ear to ear
542. 20:38what that meant because that's the way
543. 20:40it
544. 20:40went and uh she went out of it
545. 20:44completely right then she lost
546. 20:45Consciousness and uh died probably just
547. 20:47moments after that but I just backed up
548. 20:49out of the car my hands are covered in
549. 20:51blood and I'm saying oh God I did it I
550. 20:52did it I don't believe it I did it [ __ ]
551. 20:54I've done it now I got to kill the other
552. 20:56one
553. 20:59and toward the end when I picked those
554. 21:00two girls up and I said they were just
555. 21:02like the first two like marann passion
556. 21:04Anita Lessa who' haunted me all this
557. 21:06time and now two more just like them get
558. 21:08in the car we drive up 13 and we get to
559. 21:12this figure8 uh Clover Leaf interchange
560. 21:15where it hits 580 and they want to
561. 21:18go under the freeway and back up on and
562. 21:22head out this way and out that way I
563. 21:24happen to know just a couple of miles
564. 21:26down the road is palaris Drive where
565. 21:28took Anita luchessa Andes and killed
566. 21:31them Mills College is back this way
567. 21:34toward downtown they don't think so they
568. 21:37want to go this way I'm saying gee you
569. 21:39don't want to go that way and I can't
570. 21:41tell them why you do not want to go that
571. 21:43way Mill's college is this way well no
572. 21:46we we go there and we know where it's we
573. 21:48live there and and uh we want to go and
574. 21:50as we're approaching this interchange
575. 21:51I'm saying no we need to go in the right
576. 21:53lane get up on the freeway and go
577. 21:55downtown you want to get in the left
578. 21:57lane go under cross up and that's going
579. 21:59to be another step closer to you
580. 22:01dying because even if I don't go all the
581. 22:03way out to palaris Road up 580 if I stop
582. 22:06where it starts to go out in the country
583. 22:08and I get back on the freeway that's
584. 22:09where I used to work on the highways
585. 22:11that's one of the places where it's a
586. 22:12culdesac you drive down there it's a
587. 22:14very quiet street comes down up onto the
588. 22:16freeway very sharply and they're
589. 22:18dead if these urges take over and if I
590. 22:22go that way it's not encouraging me to
591. 22:25stop it's testing Beyond where I want to
592. 22:27test we've already gone beyond that by
593. 22:29them getting in the car because geez
594. 22:31it's just like those first
595. 22:33two I was actually scared to death I was
596. 22:35going to kill him and I by that point I
597. 22:37had killed all of the coets it was two
598. 22:39months after the last two and I'm seeing
599. 22:42if I can pull out of it like like
600. 22:44drinking or something or
601. 22:46smoking and at the point where we're
602. 22:48bickering if they' started shrieking or
603. 22:50banging on the Windows I'm busted
604. 22:52they're going to pull me over someone's
605. 22:53going to call a cop or something and
606. 22:55they're going to get me and probably
607. 22:56bust me on these other cases on fluke
608. 22:59and I'm trying to save their lives I
609. 23:00don't want them going that way cuz I
610. 23:02know Mills College is this other way
611. 23:04they get scared shitless oh my God we
612. 23:07shouldn't have gotten this guy's car and
613. 23:08they're getting all puckered up
614. 23:11and and I said just bear with me be
615. 23:14patient if I'm wrong we'll get on the
616. 23:15turnoff we'll go right back around take
617. 23:17you out your way but I know it's the
618. 23:19next turnoff or the one past it this way
619. 23:22downtown trust me
620. 23:24please and they're sitting like this and
621. 23:26they quit talking to me and they're
622. 23:27looking straight ahead
623. 23:28and I'm saying oh
624. 23:30[ __ ] guns under the seat it's all just
625. 23:33you know whoa I get up on the freeway
626. 23:36two turn offs Mills College in fact the
627. 23:38next one said Mills College next exit
628. 23:40you
629. 23:41know but they're not not relaxing or
630. 23:43nothing I had refused to take them the
631. 23:45way they wanted to go and pushed it the
632. 23:47other way that's what scared them but
633. 23:49they didn't know the irony of it was if
634. 23:51I had gone along their way I'd have
635. 23:53probably said yeah yeah well I'll just
636. 23:54follow on through and oops we'll do it
637. 23:56one more time how do you oops human
638. 23:59lives two I don't know those two young
639. 24:00ladies and I don't know where they are
640. 24:02today and I don't know that they
641. 24:03remember that little incident but when I
642. 24:05drove them to Mills College inside of
643. 24:08Mills College to their college entrance
644. 24:11right to the building to the dormatory
645. 24:13and they got out of that car and flew up
646. 24:15those stairs never even looked back I'll
647. 24:18bet they quit hitchiking quite so
648. 24:19casually after that but you know what I
649. 24:22don't think they know to this
650. 24:24day how close that came and and the
651. 24:27irony of it is just to just to shut him
652. 24:29up and not have him freak out I could
653. 24:30have gone the other way but by that time
654. 24:33then we're going back up that groove of
655. 24:35what I had done already and what I was
656. 24:37familiar with see what I'm saying and
657. 24:40that day I knew I could not stop doing
658. 24:42it I knew I had no control over it I had
659. 24:44just minimal controls but mainly I could
660. 24:47not stop it it was going to happen again
661. 24:49and between that weekend day it was the
662. 24:51Saturday or Sunday I think it was a
663. 24:53Sunday between that Sunday and the next
664. 24:56Saturday all that week I was working and
665. 24:59I built an image in my head my mother's
666. 25:01going to die I'm going to kill her and I
667. 25:03am going to go to it with the police and
668. 25:05we're going to hold Court in the street
669. 25:07and they're going to pound me in the
670. 25:08ground and they can fill in the blanks
671. 25:09cuz I don't want to be around to explain
672. 25:11it all that week I just it was a
673. 25:14conviction that just got deeper and
674. 25:16deeper in me I got more and more morose
675. 25:18I got less and less talkative at work I
676. 25:20got more somber about what I was doing
677. 25:23because every almost every minute of
678. 25:24every day I knew that's what that next
679. 25:26weekend held that was Easter weekend
680. 25:29right worked half a day Friday went back
681. 25:32to Santa Cruz Friday afternoon was
682. 25:34drinking Friday night fell asleep before
683. 25:37my mother came home woke up after she
684. 25:39came home and the last words we had were
685. 25:42an
686. 25:43argument right I walked into her bedroom
687. 25:46to chat with her I was I'm the back of
688. 25:48my I'm not going to try and blame her
689. 25:49for dying I'm just saying in the back of
690. 25:51my mind I was hoping she could say
691. 25:53something or I'd say something that
692. 25:54could stop all of this
693. 25:56[ __ ] a little childish in the back of my
694. 25:59mind if she'd say something and I'd just
695. 26:00I'd play it off but you still went with
696. 26:03a hammer wait a minute wait a minute
697. 26:06you're wiping out the moment here I went
698. 26:08in there hoping I could stop this stuff
699. 26:11in the back of my head I'm not planning
700. 26:12on it I'm just a little
701. 26:14hope and the first thing out of her
702. 26:16mouth was she's reading this book and
703. 26:17she just flaps it down on herself and
704. 26:19says oh my God I suppose now you want to
705. 26:21stay up all night and talk that was one
706. 26:23of her favorite peeves when I come in
707. 26:25late at night and want to talk
708. 26:28and once in a long while like that night
709. 26:30I spun on my heel and said nope good
710. 26:33night and walk back out and she knew
711. 26:36she'd hurt my feelings and the next day
712. 26:38we'd sit down and talk except I knew
713. 26:41that we weren't going to
714. 26:43talk and I went back in my room and I
715. 26:45laid down I did not go to sleep I laid
716. 26:47there for 4 well 3 hours 4 hours till 4:
717. 26:505 in the morning little after 5 in the
718. 26:52morning and walked in there with a
719. 26:54hammer and caved in the side of her head
720. 26:59and cut her through