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DURAS VERDADES SOBRE FILHOS QUE OS PAIS PRECISAM OUVIR | ANDREA VERMONT — Transcript

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0:00Raising children is not easy. I am
0:02sensitive to parents. Because sometimes
0:05I say certain things, and they say: "
0:06Doctor, but it's so hard to raise kids,
0:08" I am not here to support a narrative
0:09that it is easy. My mother gave up on
0:11separating from my father, my father
0:13cheating on her for 40 years. And she
0:15would say: "I won't leave you because I
0:17have five daughters and I need a man in
0:19the house.
0:20Make life harder for your children,
0:22don't keep giving them everything. You
0:24will raise weaklings." When parents
0:30become friends with their children, is
0:33that healthy or can it be dangerous?
0:37Yeah, that is not healthy. That is
0:39dangerous and it is pathological.
0:41Friends, your children will have many
0:42throughout their lives. Father, the
0:44only opportunity is you. So, between
0:46being a parent and being a friend,
0:47choose to be a parent.
0:49Why is it hard to be friends with our
0:51children? Because we are the great "no.
0:54" One day I heard this from a pastor,
0:56he said: "The church isn't here to
0:57please, it's here to be the great 'no.'
1:00And here is the place where you will
1:01hear what you should and what you
1:03should not do. And often what you
1:05should and what you shouldn't do is not
1:07palatable. Why is it hard for a mother
1:09and father to be friends with their
1:11child? Because I need to set limits and
1:14we aren't usually very good friends
1:16with those who set limits for us. So,
1:19uh, the limit, it's, oh, Doctor, you
1:22are too harsh, you are too rigid. No,
1:24let's talk then about science,
1:27right? The human brain needs limits. We
1:32psychically need limits. When I don't
1:37have limits, I will develop emotional
1:38issues, including psychological
1:40problems. We need limits. So our psyche
1:46and our own physiological formation
1:49happen in a healthy way under limits. I
1:54don't know who was telling me yesterday
1:56, they said:" Oh, my daughter, oh, it
1:58was Verdum, actually, my daughter is 18
1:59and she doesn't, I still don't let her
2:01do a lot of things. "I said:" You don't
2:03? "" He said: "Because she still
2:05doesn't have maturity." I said: "You
2:06don't let her and you shouldn't let her
2:08." He said: "Why, Doctor?" I said: "
2:10Because her brain isn't even
2:11anatomically fully formed." He said: "
2:13Seriously?" I said: "Yes, the brain
2:15only finishes its anatomical formation
2:18at age 21." The neocortex, which is the
2:20area of our brain responsible for cause
2:23and consequence,
2:25only finishes forming at age 21. I'm
2:28telling you that a person under 21
2:30cannot accurately measure cause and
2:32consequence. That's why teenagers have
2:36no fear, nothing is dangerous, friends
2:38aren't bad influences, drugs aren't bad
2:40— "I'll only try it once"—they come
2:42home at 2 or 3 a.m. and don't think
2:44it's dangerous. "Oh, my mom and dad are
2:47afraid of everything." This isn't about
2:49rebellion or irresponsibility, this is
2:51an anatomical limitation.
2:53Anatomical limitation.
2:54They still lack the capacity for
2:56planning, cause and consequence. What
2:59gives us the neurological capacity. I'm
3:02talking about neurons now.
3:03What gives us the ability to plan and
3:06measure cause and consequence is the
3:08neocortex. It only finishes forming at
3:10age 21. So, I'm telling you that your
3:13child needs boundaries. It's not a
3:16moral or religious issue; it's a real
3:19issue, a neurological issue, and a
3:21psychological one. Those who don't set
3:26limits for their children may be
3:28creating a future situation that will
3:30lead to countless problems. So, I find
3:33it difficult for you to be a friend and
3:36still manage to maintain that posture
3:39of authority and actually set those
3:42real boundaries. So I say it at home,
3:45right? My son is 24 and my daughter is
3:4719. I joke like this: "My castle, my
3:50rules.""Mom, but yesterday you said one
3:51thing, and today you changed it." I
3:53said: "Here, I, I, I change things.
3:55Here I set the laws, I remove them, I
3:56order arrests, I order releases. Here,
3:58I am the Supreme Court, I am the Senate
3:59, I am the House of Representatives—I
4:01am everything here. Your father and I,
4:02we are all the branches of government
4:04here." That is the modern way of saying
4:06what parents always say. "As long as
4:08you are under my roof..."
4:10Exactly, that's what I say at home. We
4:12are not just the three branches of
4:12government, no. We are the eight
4:13branches of government.
4:14The eight branches.
4:15No, here, your father and I are in
4:17charge. The day you have your own space
4:19, then you can create your own specific
4:21rules. Yang, I can tell you that it has
4:23worked out very well.
4:25Uh, thank God. Yeah, my kids aren't
4:28models of behavior; they aren't two
4:30perfect people in this world, no. But I
4:33was on a plane this week, coming to
4:35São Paulo. And I was thinking about
4:37this. I thought: "Oh, airplane, such
4:38and such." Then I thought, guys, if
4:40this plane goes down, I felt a peace. I
4:42have peace to die. Thank God, if I die,
4:45I'm leaving behind two viable human
4:46beings. I'm not leaving any animals on
4:49the earth. My son will be an excellent
4:51husband, an excellent father, my
4:53daughter will be an excellent
4:54professional, she’s studying medicine
4:56, she’ll be an excellent mother. Uh,
4:59I want to live many years, if God gives
5:01me the grace, I want to live to be 90.
5:03I ask God every day, I want to see, I
5:05want to have the honor of seeing my
5:06children's children. God willing, He
5:08will fulfill this promise in my life. I
5:10want that so much. But if that doesn't
5:13happen, I feel at peace. I know that my
5:16children won't treat their neighbors
5:18badly. If I need it, my children will
5:20take care of my mother for me. My
5:22children will be honorable
5:23professionals. My children won't take
5:25advantage of others. My children won't
5:27steal. My children won't be unfaithful.
5:30Because, thank God, it has been
5:32difficult. We struggled to get them
5:35this far. Raising children isn't easy.
5:38I am sensitive to parents. Because
5:40sometimes I say some things, they say:
5:42"Doctor, but it's so hard to raise kids
5:43." I'm not here to maintain a narrative
5:46that it's easy. Having a child is a
5:48ministry, so think well before you
5:50start.
5:51A child is a ministry. Wow!
5:53Think well before you get into this. I
5:55am super supportive of people who say:
5:57"I don't want to have children." I
5:59support you if you say you don't want
6:00to have any. Because it really is a
6:03ministry. It's a candle. The candle
6:07illuminates, but it burns itself out
6:09and it slowly fades away. Children,
6:11that's what it is, children. You are
6:13the candle burning on the altar, but
6:15you are consuming yourself for them.
6:18Uh, the other day I went for a walk
6:20with my mother. My mother is 80 years
6:22old and she has already fallen a few
6:23times, she has broken some bones. She
6:25falls all the time. I told her I’m
6:27going to buy a farm. She said: "What
6:28for, my daughter?" I said so you can
6:29fall on the ground. Since you fall so
6:31much, now I’m going to take you to
6:32fall in a soft place.
6:35She decided that she isn't going to
6:36stop falling,
6:37So I’m going to take her to land in a
6:39comfortable place. And I was walking
6:42with her and suddenly I saw that I was
6:43almost dragging her because she limps,
6:45she has a crooked little leg, her spine
6:47is already all altered, and so I had to
6:49walk slower. And then I understood that
6:53I needed to get into her rhythm and not
6:55her into mine. Uh-huh. Because I looked
6:58at her body and saw how many wrinkles I
7:01am responsible for, how much of her
7:03spine shifted because of the weight she
7:06carried for my own life. For how many
7:10situations my mother spent nights awake
7:11praying for me, interceding for my life
7:13, taking care of me, taking care of my
7:15children. So I am part of all that
7:18physical deterioration she is
7:19experiencing. Every one of those marks
7:21has my name on it. So now I need to
7:23slow my pace so I can walk at hers. My
7:27mother once slowed her pace to walk at
7:28mine. My mother held back her own life
7:31for many years. My mother could have
7:33lived another life. My mother gave up
7:35on separating from my father. My father
7:37cheating on her for 40 years. And she
7:40would say, "I won't separate from you
7:41because I have five daughters and I
7:43need a man in the house." My mother
7:45held back her life to take care of mine
7:47, so now it costs me nothing to hold
7:49back mine to take care of hers. So
7:51that's what it's about. And it's about
7:53us building a story that you look at
7:55and feel proud to build. It’s about
7:58looking at your children again.
8:00Children are a ministry. It’s not
8:02easy. I say to parents like this: "
8:04André, up until what age is the psyche
8:06formed? From zero to seven is that
8:09moment." And I tell parents: "Slow down
8:11your life." Yesterday I told one, my
8:13daughter is one year old, I said: "From
8:15here to seven, slow down your life, put
8:17your life on hold, hold on so that you
8:19have an emotionally healthy daughter.""
8:21Doctor, it’s until seven." I said: "
8:22It is until seven.""I know it's 7 years
8:25, but slow down your life." Take care
8:28of these seven, make these seven the
8:30most fantastic period. Take care, love,
8:34don't abandon, be present, burn at the
8:37altar like a candle consumes itself. It
8:40was you who chose it. Children say a
8:43phrase that hurts us. "I didn't ask to
8:45be born." Ah, cheeky. They are right.
8:48They didn't ask to be born. If there's
8:50one thing a child didn't ask for, it
8:52was to be born. Since you did it, now
8:55you take responsibility. Now you must
8:57be like a candle burning on the altar.
8:59Consume yourself. This is your calling.
9:02Your calling is to consume yourself.
9:03And that often means not being a friend
9:05. Sometimes you will be unpopular.
9:08Leaders are unpopular. Leaders who are
9:11too popular don't work. Parents are
9:13leaders. So you will have to embrace
9:16unpopularity. Do not seek your
9:18children's approval. "Oh, but my child
9:20will be upset." That's no problem.
9:23That's no problem. I once went to a
9:26funeral; this guy worked with me, a
9:28director of a large company, very
9:29wealthy, and he bought a Porsche for
9:31his 18-year-old son. The second time
9:34the boy took it out, he accelerated the
9:36Porsche to almost 200 kilometers per
9:37hour, hit a truck head-on, and died
9:38instantly. I went to the boy's funeral;
9:42he worked with me. Before closing the
9:45coffin, he put his hand on the boy's
9:47chest and said: "Forgive me, forgive me
9:49for you leaving so prematurely. I have
9:52great responsibility for this." And he
9:54was crying and saying: "I gave you
9:56everything in life, my son. I just
9:58didn't give you the opportunity to be a
10:00man. I am burying a boy and it's my
10:03fault. I am burying a boy and it's my
10:09fault. I didn't give you the
10:11opportunity to become a man. I should
10:12have made you a man. I gave you
10:14everything. I gave you money, I gave
10:16you a car, I gave you trips, but I
10:17didn't give you the chance to become a
10:19man. Do you have a son? A boy,
10:22make him a man.
10:25If he thinks you're boring, or that
10:27you're not his friend, it doesn't
10:29matter. Make your son a man. And I'm
10:32not talking about sexuality,
10:34yeah,
10:34I'm talking about character.
10:36It goes way beyond that.
10:38Character.
10:39It's
10:39money, you lose and you gain. Character
10:41, you either build it or you don't.
10:45And on this path, for example, doctor,
10:47of raising children, eh, what is the
10:49best path, the best strategy for a
10:51father to educate his children without
10:53hurting them emotionally? Because we
10:56see that many people, or even us, right
10:59, I include myself at 31 years old, so,
11:02we come from a generation where we got
11:05spanked, right? That wasn't bad, at
11:08least for me it wasn't bad, because we
11:10got spanked, but we learned. And the
11:12fact is that today we are a stronger
11:14generation than the current one. The
11:17current generation of young people
11:20might not withstand the weight of the
11:22environment in which we were raised.
11:26But we notice that many people today
11:28seem to carry certain traumas that are
11:30clearly due to emotional issues from
11:32how they were raised. Perhaps a beating
11:36, or something that went a bit beyond
11:38the limit, created someone who is
11:40emotionally traumatized today. To break
11:45this cycle and end it within myself,
11:47what is the ideal path, the ideal
11:50strategy to raise my child without
11:53being overly permissive, being truly
11:56intelligent and strategic, saying no
11:59without emotionally wounding them?
12:02There is a big difference, Yang,
12:04between a spanking and a beating, isn't
12:05there? I think our parents used to give
12:08us some
12:10some wake-up calls, a slap on the head
12:12to make you sharper, to see if your
12:14brain starts working.
12:16But beating is something else entirely.
12:18Beating will cause trauma. We see the
12:21story of Michael Jackson; the movie
12:23that just came out shows he was beaten.
12:26That kind of thing truly causes trauma.
12:29But that slap, that kind of thing our
12:31parents did to us, that rarely causes
12:33trauma. I spent 15 years in my practice
12:37. I saw traumatized people all the time
12:40because of their parents. Very few
12:42times, and I can say 99%of the time,
12:45the trauma wasn't about spanking.
12:48It wasn't about spanking.
12:50It was never about spanking. It was
12:52like:" My father didn't pay attention
12:54to me. My father didn't have time for
12:56me. My father didn't love me. My father
13:00mistreated my mother. My father cheated
13:02on my mother. My father drank too much.
13:05My mother abandoned us. My mother
13:08didn't take care of our needs. So what
13:11really wounds a child emotionally? How
13:13do you raise a child without emotional
13:15wounds? It is not about physical
13:18contact. Giving them a shake every now
13:20and then to wake them up won't
13:21traumatize them, but your absence will.
13:24Your excessive phone use will,
13:27your bad example will.
13:29Telling your child one thing and doing
13:31another will generate cognitive
13:32dissonance. You say one thing and you
13:35do another. That will traumatize your
13:38child. So, don't be afraid to be firm
13:40with your child. I never had anyone in
13:43my office say: "My father was too
13:45strict with me and that's why I'm
13:47traumatized.""My father was very angry
13:50with me." No, I heard this every day: "
13:55My father wasn't present, my father
13:58abandoned us.""My father cheated on my
14:02mother." So what hurts us, our
14:05emotional wounds, you said it very well
14:08, emotional ones are related to
14:10emotions. So, how do we raise a child
14:13without emotional wounds? Eh, it's
14:16about that again, right? There's no way
14:18to escape the Bible. Yesterday, I was
14:19doing a podcast with Marcelo Toledo,
14:21and he said: "Yeah, your content is
14:22based a lot on psychoanalysis and the
14:23Bible, isn't it?" Right? I said, well,
14:25I know what you're talking about. Jesus
14:27speaks, Jesus gives a very interesting
14:29formula. He says: "Be as gentle as
14:31doves and as shrewd as snakes." If I
14:34could give a formula for raising our
14:36children, that would be it. Be firm and
14:39shrewd and quick like a snake, but be
14:41gentle like a dove. The same hand that
14:45is firm with your child also strokes
14:47their head, holds them in your lap, and
14:48tells them how important they are. Our
14:52parents were tough, but they were so
14:54fantastic. They gave us advice that
14:57shaped us for life. Look at you, you
14:59are 31 years old, you're just a kid,
15:01look at what you've already built.
15:03Was your upbringing soft?
15:05Not at all. Not even a little bit.
15:07Look at these 14-year-olds today. Do
15:10you think that at 31 he will have built
15:12what you built? Hardly. Yeah.
15:15And do you know why you built it?
15:16Because lack creates desire. Our
15:19parents didn't give us everything.
15:21Consequently, we desired things. When
15:24you give everything, you fill the void.
15:26When there is no void, there is no
15:28desire. When there is no desire, there
15:29is no life. Do you know what the
15:33formula for good education is? Don't
15:34give everything. Do you know why this
15:36generation has no drive? God is
15:38fantastic.
15:40They don't want to leave home, they
15:41don't want to work, they don't want to
15:42marry, they don't want to get a license
15:43, they don't want to drive. We were
15:47dying to get a license, we were dying
15:48to drive, we were dying to leave home.
15:52Your father would give you a spanking,
15:53and you'd say: "I'm going to get
15:54married, I'm going to move out, with my
15:55first paycheck, I'll rent a house, I'll
15:56live alone." Lack creates desire. When
16:00there's a lack, it pulses. When it's,
16:03when there's no lack, it's full, there
16:05is no desire. When there is no desire,
16:07there is no life. This generation is
16:09the current generation that has the
16:11least sex in human history. They don't
16:14even have the desire for sex, because
16:16they are so fulfilled that there's no
16:18room. When there is no room, there is
16:21no desire. When there is no desire,
16:22there is no life. There is only life
16:24when there is desire. That’s why so
16:26many people are depressed. That’s why
16:27so many people take their own lives.
16:29You take a 14-year-old teenager, they
16:31have a huge room, they have a king-size
16:33bed. I only got a king-size bed when I
16:35got married.
16:38Actually, I didn't even have a bed.
16:39I shared one with my single brother.
16:41Exactly. Exactly. My father had five
16:44daughters. Five daughters and one son.
16:46My brother had his own room because he
16:48was a boy, so he couldn't sleep with us
16:49. Five daughters. My father bought two
16:52bunk beds, so four beds for five women.
16:55I rotated. Since I was the youngest,
16:57every day I slept with a different
16:58sister. I didn't even have a bed. You
17:01take a 14-year-old boy, he has a room
17:02all to himself.
17:03All to himself.
17:04A king-size bed,
17:05a giant tablet,
17:07air conditioning, a huge television
17:09with all the apps, a video game console
17:11, and food delivery on his phone. He
17:14doesn't live in a house, he lives in a
17:15resort.
17:16In a resort.
17:17Then you say: "My son doesn't socialize
17:19, my son doesn't come down to have
17:20dinner with us." Why would he come down
17:22? He orders his food in his room, in
17:25his air conditioning, in his own life.
17:28He won't want to socialize. You want
17:30your child to do well in life? Make
17:33their life difficult, mess with their
17:35life.
17:35Make it hard, man. That is, that is
17:37fantastic.
17:37You want your child to do well in life?
17:39Mess with their life.
17:40You have to make their life difficult.
17:41Of course. Nature teaches us how a
17:44little bird begins to fly. When the
17:47mama sparrow, the sparrow’s little
17:48wife, goes to build the nest, I don't
17:50know if you've ever seen her little
17:51nest,
17:52she takes all the soft stuff from
17:53nature, little soft things, bits of
17:55cloth, and builds her little nest,
17:57because otherwise the egg won't hold up
17:58, the egg will break. So the nest is
18:01full of fluffy things, then the little
18:03egg cracks and the little bird is born.
18:06What does the little mama sparrow start
18:07doing? She removes all the fluff,
18:09leaving only the sticks, the little
18:11twigs, and the thorns start to prick
18:13the little bird. What is left for the
18:15bird? It has to fly because the nest is
18:18no longer comfortable, it has to leave.
18:21You want your child to grow? Make it
18:23difficult. Calm seas do not make
18:27skilled sailors. We give them
18:29everything, we make life soft, cushy.
18:33Of course they won't want anything in
18:34life. My daughter a year ago, and I
18:36have the greatest pride in the world.
18:37My daughter is in med school now, in
18:39her first semester.
18:40Medicine.
18:41Until a year ago. Do you know what she
18:43was doing?
18:43Huh? Uh, baking cookies until midnight
18:47to sell at school. She started her day
18:49at 7 in the morning. "Mom, I want to
18:51have my own money." I said: "My
18:52daughter, I don't have any to give you.
18:53""Mom, if I make cookies, I'll learn
18:56some recipes on TikTok.""Ma'am, will
18:58you help me?" Of course I'll help you.
19:00"What can you help me with?" I said,
19:02I'll buy the first, the first batch of
19:04flour, sugar, Nutella, and the bags.
19:06From then on, you'll use your own money
19:08to reinvest in your business. Was I
19:11harsh? I was harsh, but I was
19:12affectionate. The next day I had to
19:14work early, but I stayed until 7, until
19:16midnight making cookies with her. We
19:18would bake the cookies, joke around,
19:20hug, talk, and put the cookies in the
19:23bags. I was harsh, but I was
19:25affectionate. A year ago, to finish
19:29high school, my daughter sold cookies,
19:31filled boxes with stuff that keeps well
19:34, and took them to school. "Mom,
19:37they're laughing at me today.""Mom,
19:39so-and-so owes me money.""So-and-so,
19:40it's no problem." Learn how to collect,
19:42learn how to do that. "Mom, I don't
19:43have Pix." I'll teach you how to set up
19:45your Pix. "Mom, some people want to pay
19:47with credit card." Let's buy a card
19:48reader. Look at that fantastic lesson.
19:51Nowadays I say, "My daughter, go ahead,
19:53buy this.""No, mom, money is something
19:55valuable.""My daughter, but mommy can
19:57afford it.""My daughter, you can go
19:58there.""My daughter, you're going to a
20:00party, buy some sandals.""No, mom, I
20:02already have three.""Beatriz, but you
20:04don't have one that matches the outfit,
20:05my daughter.""No, but I don't like
20:07spending your money." No. That's what
20:10it's about.
20:11Yeah,
20:11make your children's lives a bit harder
20:13. Don't just keep giving them
20:14everything. You'll raise soft kids.
20:16Yeah.

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