Dr. Ramani Explains How-To Spot a Gaslighter — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:06hey everyone it's dr romini and welcome
2. 0:08back to this youtube channel that takes
3. 0:10on
4. 0:10all kinds of topics related to
5. 0:12narcissism narcissistic abuse
6. 0:15and lots of things relevant to difficult
7. 0:18and toxic relationships
8. 0:20it's my hope that this content will help
9. 0:23you learn
10. 0:24cope heal and promote your understanding
11. 0:27so you can make sense of these
12. 0:28relationships so now
13. 0:30today we are going to talk
14. 0:34about a form of gaslighting that
15. 0:37you may not even have known was a form
16. 0:40of gaslighting
17. 0:41and yet i bet more than a few of you
18. 0:44have experienced it ready
19. 0:45okay so let's take it from the top now
20. 0:48just as a review in case some of you are
21. 0:49new to this
22. 0:50new to this party remember what
23. 0:52gaslighting is it's a denial of the
24. 0:54reality of another person
25. 0:56and this can be actually denying events
26. 0:58that occurred
27. 0:59or behaviors that were engaged in or
28. 1:02words that were said
29. 1:03or it could just be an invalidation and
30. 1:06denial of a person's emotions
31. 1:08someone saying things like you have no
32. 1:10right to feel that way or you're being
33. 1:12too sensitive
34. 1:14now let's face it you know this already
35. 1:16i have talked about gaslighting
36. 1:17ad nauseam i've written about it i've
37. 1:20done workshops on it
38. 1:22done videos on it and most of you by now
39. 1:24get it
40. 1:25but this is the type of gas lighting
41. 1:27that has been coming up more and more
42. 1:29and i wish i'd pointed it out earlier as
43. 1:31a form of gas lighting
44. 1:32because it is most of you have
45. 1:36experienced this too
46. 1:38it's actually a big contributor for why
47. 1:41many people
48. 1:41are stuck in gaslighted and narcissistic
49. 1:44relationships
50. 1:45so let's tell it as a story you know the
51. 1:48scenario well
52. 1:49behind closed doors in a narcissistic
53. 1:52relationship it's invalidation
54. 1:54devaluation manipulation lying criticism
55. 1:58anger
56. 1:58rage but then you'll be with the
57. 2:02narcissistic person with other people
58. 2:03with friends or family a work event
59. 2:05and the narcissistic person in your life
60. 2:07all of a sudden is the most charming
61. 2:10gracious person you have ever met the
62. 2:13narcissistic person in your life
63. 2:14remembers people's names
64. 2:16pulls people's chairs out takes the hand
65. 2:19of an older relative and helps them down
66. 2:20the stairs
67. 2:22they pay the check for everyone they
68. 2:24compliment people
69. 2:26you feel as though you've gone through
70. 2:27the looking glass into the matrix
71. 2:30you look at this narcissistic person and
72. 2:32think
73. 2:34wait this person's actually really great
74. 2:36i forgot no i really like them whoops
75. 2:38ah i'm actually married to them or i'm
76. 2:42their
77. 2:42child or whatever their relationship is
78. 2:44to you like whoa wow they're great
79. 2:46and you say oh no i'm i was so wrong
80. 2:50they're cool i'm always trying to
81. 2:51sabotage things in my relationships
82. 2:54my standards are too high my partner my
83. 2:57husband my wife my parent whoever this
84. 2:59person is i'm so
85. 3:00lucky i need to stop overthinking this
86. 3:04relationship and then just to confirm
87. 3:08what you think oh i have such a great
88. 3:10partner or something
89. 3:11your friends and your family whoever all
90. 3:13tell you oh you're so
91. 3:14lucky what manners how nice then you go
92. 3:18home
93. 3:18you're kind of feeling warm and fuzzy
94. 3:20even in the car
95. 3:22and then the door closes when you get
96. 3:23home and the face
97. 3:25looking at you isn't the same face of
98. 3:28the person
99. 3:29who pulled out a chair for an older
100. 3:31relative
101. 3:32or help someone down the stairs or
102. 3:34picked up the check
103. 3:36or complimented people the face the
104. 3:39person now is unseeing
105. 3:41unempathic and contemptuous or
106. 3:44distracted the warmth
107. 3:47the charm poof all gone
108. 3:50now you're really confused what is real
109. 3:55this back and forth we had such a fun
110. 3:58time at dinner they're lying and
111. 4:00manipulating me
112. 4:02but we laughed a lot at that movie
113. 4:05they're
114. 4:05really criticizing and devaluing me a
115. 4:07lot that back and forth
116. 4:10that whiplash it's the architecture of
117. 4:13the narcissistic relationship
118. 4:15these relationships are always three
119. 4:17steps forward
120. 4:19four steps back but the cognitive
121. 4:21dissonance means that you focus on the
122. 4:23three steps forward
123. 4:25and you don't notice with those four
124. 4:26steps back you are
125. 4:28always falling behind one step
126. 4:31at a time and it becomes easier to blame
127. 4:34yourself
128. 4:35than the relationship but these big
129. 4:38grandiose
130. 4:39shows of generosity and solicitude in
131. 4:42front of other people
132. 4:44especially other people who may matter
133. 4:46to you
134. 4:48that may be one of the ultimate
135. 4:50gaslights
136. 4:51because now everyone is in on the
137. 4:54delusion
138. 4:55people see the generous helpful
139. 4:58solicitous charming person and because
140. 5:01most people out there
141. 5:03don't understand or recognize narcissism
142. 5:07or gaslighting
143. 5:08they think you are the problem and since
144. 5:12there many people out there who are
145. 5:13experiencing narcissistic abuse can be
146. 5:16anxious sad and self-doubting
147. 5:20people may actually view them other
148. 5:22people may actually view the person
149. 5:23experiencing narcissistic abuse
150. 5:25as the problem and the sunny narcissist
151. 5:28is a saint
152. 5:29for putting up for the negative nelly
153. 5:31who's complaining about this
154. 5:33relationship
155. 5:35this is gas sliding the narcissistic
156. 5:38person
157. 5:39who needs narcissistic supply is no fool
158. 5:42they often know that they need to put on
159. 5:44a show to get supply
160. 5:47but narcissistic people are built to be
161. 5:49interpersonal sprinters
162. 5:51they can only wear the mask of charm for
163. 5:54so long
164. 5:55before the exhaustion gets to them and
165. 5:57then they are
166. 5:58back to being their malcontented and
167. 6:00contemptuous selves
168. 6:02it's why that come down that mass comes
169. 6:05off as early
170. 6:07as the car ride home so in the end
171. 6:10many people think of this as a
172. 6:13disconnect
173. 6:14they're a charmer in public they're a
174. 6:17cruel manipulator at home
175. 6:19it's actually not a disconnect the
176. 6:21narcissistic person is doing what
177. 6:23narcissistic personalities do
178. 6:25getting their supply in public and then
179. 6:29getting rid of their tension and
180. 6:30regulating their shame
181. 6:32by attacking you you the person who
182. 6:36stimulates their shame
183. 6:37because you got in too close the
184. 6:40narcissistic tendency to be dismissive
185. 6:43and even disgusted by true intimacy
186. 6:47closeness emotional depth and empathy in
187. 6:51a relationship
188. 6:52means that they are often contemptuous
189. 6:55of those in their lives
190. 6:56who need that closeness and intimacy
191. 6:59like children or spouses
192. 7:01narcissists can do the short-term charm
193. 7:04and charisma show
194. 7:06for those who don't need them on the
195. 7:07daily for example people like extended
196. 7:10family or colleagues and friends
197. 7:11they can put on the show for them this
198. 7:14dynamic may be most
199. 7:16pronounced in intimate relationships but
200. 7:19if you grew up like this
201. 7:20you get it the charming beloved parents
202. 7:24in public
203. 7:25who were actually cruel invalidating
204. 7:28and emotionally abusive and private you
205. 7:31were viewed then as the ingrate the
206. 7:33spoiled child in other people's
207. 7:35eyes because you didn't see how great
208. 7:38your parents were
209. 7:39and your parents got their narcissistic
210. 7:41supply from the world
211. 7:43and then turn their children into
212. 7:44emotional
213. 7:46and sometimes physical punching bags
214. 7:48they would use
215. 7:49to regulate their tempers and their rage
216. 7:52it is an
217. 7:53awful confusing way to grow up
218. 7:56now this cycle charming in public
219. 7:58abusive or mean and private
220. 8:00is a profound gaslighting experience
221. 8:03because it leaves
222. 8:04people questioning their perception and
223. 8:07their reality
224. 8:09it's why over time these relationships
225. 8:13leave people
226. 8:13so anxious so confused
227. 8:17so full of self-doubt so helpless
228. 8:20and so hopeless and to people out there
229. 8:23who are not in these relationships
230. 8:26but maybe have had that experience of
231. 8:29your friend
232. 8:30or someone close to you suffering in a
233. 8:32relationship
234. 8:34but your experience has been of the
235. 8:36grandiose public version
236. 8:39of that person recognize that this
237. 8:42dichotomy
238. 8:43is a thing and don't be one more
239. 8:46gaslighter
240. 8:47to the people in the world going through
241. 8:48this don't be the person who says well
242. 8:51i don't see it because they're always so
243. 8:53nice to me
244. 8:54recognize that this is really a pattern
245. 8:57these two masks these two faces
246. 9:00and it really does harm to the people
247. 9:02stuck
248. 9:03in it so this idea that somebody can be
249. 9:05someone
250. 9:06so different in public so different with
251. 9:09their friends
252. 9:10so different with other people and then
253. 9:13show you an entirely different
254. 9:14face is a very fundamental tenet of
255. 9:18these relationships
256. 9:19it is also a form of gaslighting because
257. 9:23your reality is tested you're like okay
258. 9:25this person is not nice this is not a
259. 9:26healthy relationship
260. 9:28boom you're out in the world with other
261. 9:30people
262. 9:31and they're the most charming person
263. 9:33ever because not only does it confuse
264. 9:36you to see them being like that it also
265. 9:39can really cut
266. 9:40out the amount of support you can get
267. 9:43because other people actually really
268. 9:46fall for it
269. 9:46it's amazing how many people can be
270. 9:48bought off by someone buying picking up
271. 9:50the check after a meal
272. 9:51but people see the generosity they see
273. 9:53the warmth
274. 9:54they see their friendliness and they
275. 9:56assume it's you who has a problem
276. 9:59because as you know narcissistic abuse
277. 10:01shrinks us
278. 10:02makes us small it makes us anxious
279. 10:05it makes us almost afraid of the world
280. 10:07in some ways
281. 10:08people see us as shrinking violets and
282. 10:11they think uh
283. 10:12this narcissist is so charming no wonder
284. 10:14they don't like this relationship
285. 10:15who wants to be with that anxious person
286. 10:18i am putting this information out there
287. 10:20because people need to understand these
288. 10:22masks
289. 10:24that narcissistic people wear so they
290. 10:26can understand that if your friend comes
291. 10:28to you and says
292. 10:29what you're seeing out here is not
293. 10:31what's happening at home
294. 10:33that this isn't your friend being out in
295. 10:35left field listen to them
296. 10:37because this dual life this very
297. 10:40confused
298. 10:41jacqueline hyde frankly that's the life
299. 10:44many people going through narcissistic
300. 10:45abuse go through
301. 10:47and it is nothing but gaslighting which
302. 10:49is why
303. 10:50you so often feel confused and upside
304. 10:53down
305. 10:53i hope that clarifies that dynamic thank
306. 10:56you again