Dr. Oz Surfs PA's Coast | Taylor Swift Dominates The Charts | Elon Negotiates With Stephen King — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00welcome one and all in here out there Mr and Mrs  America and all the ships at Sea to The Late Show
2. 0:08I'm your host Stephen Colbert and tonight folks  yeah thank you thank you thank you my friends
3. 0:16over here thank you my friends out there I need  your strength because I come to you defiant
4. 0:22Unbroken unbowed even though last night  they held the drawing for the billion
5. 0:28dollar Lotto Powerball jackpot and there  were no winners no no winner oh really
6. 0:37how is that possible considering last  night on the show I announced that these
7. 0:41these right here were the winning numbers  because may I remind you they are on my
8. 0:48ticket okay I even promised to share the  proceeds with the audience here all right
9. 0:56folks we were getting ready to win this  Powerball frankly we did win this Powerball
10. 1:05but then oh no no wait oh listen but then at  11 PM there was a massive ball dump okay the
11. 1:16Dominion Powerball machine flipped all the  numbers how were those balls floating around
12. 1:22in there like that could it be Hugo  Chavez's ghost on Halloween night oh
13. 1:31they stole the Powerball from all of  us audience which is why I'm holding
14. 1:36a stop the ball rally at the bodega where  I bought the tickets be there will be wild
15. 1:45I'll tell you I called the lotto officials last  night I said fellas I missed the winning number
16. 1:48by only all the numbers okay I just need you  to find me six winning numbers give me a break
17. 1:55and a billion dollars okay if my theory sounds  crazy let me point out I have a pillow okay
18. 2:07and it can be yours for a billion dollars  yesterday it was also Halloween president
19. 2:19the first lady had an eventful evening greeting  trick-or-treaters of the White House for the first
20. 2:23time Jill dressed as a butterfly and Joe dressed  as Grandpa who thinks a hat counts as a costume
21. 2:30very sweet ass is good this is good buddy I'm all  set they had a great time giving out candy to all
22. 2:36the trick-or-treaters knowing Biden I'm guessing  the kids got Licorice and Amtrak schedules
23. 2:42okay don't take the local that's four hours  you want to take the you want to take the Acela
24. 2:50costumes were so cute check out this little  pumpkin here all right seeing 12 hours into a
25. 2:57story about Scranton's minor league baseball team  according to reporters on the scene the president
26. 3:03was particularly pleased with a baby dressed up  as a potato chip bag hey hell of a costume there
27. 3:12baby Jack my grandpa used to work down at the  Ruffles Factory out of The Ridges with a band saw
28. 3:17come home hands all salty ended  up with sour cream and onion lung
29. 3:22but it was honest work no I'm serious one time  he took me to meet Mr Pringle lived in a big
30. 3:27fancy tube up on the hill no windows but the  basement was full of crumbs we'd run down there
31. 3:32spoil our suppers now Chester Cheetah  lived next door he was an odd fella
32. 3:37didn't talk much left a big Orange  Streak wherever he went sad story
33. 3:41It's Not Easy Being Cheesy monterey jack  speaking of spooky Pennsylvania really really wow
34. 3:58speaking of spooky Pennsylvania Senate candidate  and corn mime memade us yesterday on the Fox
35. 4:05News Oz made his case to represent Pennsylvania  while also demonstrating he does not know where
36. 4:10Pennsylvania is listen this is important we do  not have a Republican senator north of North
37. 4:16Carolina on the Atlantic coast until you get to  Maine if I don't hold this seat yes the Atlantic
38. 4:21coast of Pennsylvania from the sunny beaches  of Scranton to the White Sands of Allentown
39. 4:29of course Pennsylvania has a long association  with the ocean otherwise how could I own this
40. 4:34very real CD Now That's What I Call songs about  the beaches of Pennsylvania it's got Timeless
41. 4:41Classics like sitting on the dock of the Wawa  wasting away in yinglingville wish they could
42. 4:48all be King of Prussia girls and of course itsy  bitsy teeny weeny Pennsylvania Dutch bikini
43. 4:55there you go
44. 5:01moving on to someone who really is from  Pennsylvania my dear friend musical icon
45. 5:06Taylor Swift seen here seen here learning  about Kanye getting kicked out of a Skechers
46. 5:1512 days ago lower lore as I call her released  her new album midnights it's an absolute Bop
47. 5:21that slaps or a slap that bops not sure  and now Taylor Swift has become the first
48. 5:28artist ever to claim every single top 10 spot on  Billboard's Hot 100 chart at once all at once baby
49. 5:39that's unbelievable come is that is that  really true let's fact check that who who's
50. 5:44got every single on the top ten okay checks  out oh there's an update uh from new Twitter
51. 5:53owner and proof that no one's Rich enough to  pull off a business casual bandana Elon Musk
52. 5:59musk has been trying to figure out ways to  monetize Twitter which is why according to a
53. 6:04leaked business plan Twitter would start charging  twenty dollars per month for verification and
54. 6:09users who are already verified will have 90 days  to subscribe or lose their blue check mark but
55. 6:15that would be chaos I rely on that blue check mark  to know which of my Butters I can't not believe
56. 6:22are you telling me are you telling me that  Paragons of authenticity like Papa John's and Papa
57. 6:29John's UK will risk falling to the same level  as unverified frauds like Papa John's Houston
58. 6:38you know it's bad when Papa John's says we  cannot good conscience verify that that is pizza
59. 6:45Twitter's big users sure why not
60. 6:50maybe not pizza maybe not pizza Twitter's big  users are also upset like horror author Stephen
61. 6:57King who tweeted twenty dollars a month to  keep my blue check that they should pay me
62. 7:06to it
63. 7:10to which musk directly responded  we need to pay the bill somehow
64. 7:14Twitter cannot rely entirely on  advertisers how about eight dollars
65. 7:20that was a quick fold that was a quick  fold from the businessman okay how about
66. 7:25eight dollars we did the math and this is  true at eight bucks a month times the 400
67. 7:31000 verified users presently on Twitter equals  38.4 million dollars per year so divide the
68. 7:3844 billion paid by musk by the 38.4 million of  income he can pay off his purchase in 1145 years
69. 7:49by which time this haircut might be in style  moving on to something that will explode before
70. 7:58Elon turns a profit on Twitter the Sun over the  weekend NASA released this ultraviolet image
71. 8:07look at that cute little son who's  the cutest little guy with the power
72. 8:10of a trillion nuclear bombs this is a  major astronomical Discovery and proof
73. 8:17that the picture I drew in second grade  is scientifically accurate Ms Williams
74. 8:29so it turns out the dark patches we're seeing  there are regions where solar wind escapes
75. 8:33more quickly and readily into space making these  regions cooler cooler I think we all know there's
76. 8:39only one way to make that sun cooler deal with it  now speaking of the end of everything we hold dear
77. 8:49the Supreme Court they spent the summer stomping  on settled precedents like Roe v Wade Miranda
78. 8:55rights and now they may do it again because  according to Legal experts scotus is likely
79. 8:59to ban affirmative action in college admissions  Harvard lawyer tried to explain to the court that
80. 9:04affirmative action is applied on a case-by-case  basis but chief justice Roberts refused to buy it
81. 9:11race in some for some highly qualified  applicants can be the determinant Factor just as
82. 9:20being the a you know an oboe player in a year  in which the Harvard Radcliffe Orchestra needs
83. 9:26an oboe player will be the team we did not fight  a Civil War about oboe players I we did fight a
84. 9:32civil war to eliminate racial discrimination and  that's why it's a matter of of of considerable
85. 9:37concern hold on does chief justice Roberts really  think of a war eliminated racial discrimination
86. 9:46I think I know who's not on Twitter  also contrary to popular belief we
87. 9:52did fight a Civil War about oboe players  and it's all in that Ken Burns documentary
88. 9:59Sarah on the evil battle I have just thought  of a killer oboe solo it goes like this
89. 10:14questionnaire to James Taylor yeah
90. 10:20[Music] [Applause] [Music]
91. 10:30thank you