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Dr. Gabor Maté: The #1 Reason You Never Feel Like You’re Enough (And How to Fix it) — Transcript

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0:00I truly am so excited to be here tonight
0:03at the Orpheum Theatre in Vancouver with
0:06a dear friend, someone that I consider
0:09to be the utmost expert goat, the
0:13greatest of all time in his face. Like
0:14there is
0:15>> [cheering]
0:15>> no one
0:16like Dr. Gabor Mate.
0:18>> And could you say more about that?
0:20>> [laughter]
0:22>> We've been talking tonight about
0:26worrying about how we're perceived by
0:28others.
0:28>> Yeah.
0:29>> And how that blocks us
0:31>> Yeah.
0:32>> from things in our life.
0:33>> Yeah.
0:34>> Where does that come from? Why is it
0:37that we're so obsessed and addicted to
0:40what people think about us?
0:42>> Well, it's a great topic and I think in
0:44this culture it's um
0:46fundamental one.
0:48Um there's a wonderful um Catholic monk
0:51and mystic called Thomas Merton
0:53who talked about
0:55how we live in other people's minds.
0:58So when we're concerned about what other
1:00people think of us, how they see us,
1:01perceive us, judge us, love us, hate us,
1:05we're not living in in ourselves, we're
1:08living in other people's minds.
1:10>> Wow.
1:10>> So where does that come from? One of the
1:12needs of the human child, it's an
1:14essential need. Just as we have the need
1:16to be held physically, to be fed, to be
1:19nurtured, we also have the need to be
1:21seen
1:23because we get to see ourselves the way
1:24others see us.
1:26When a parent
1:27can't see the child
1:30in the child's essence,
1:32in the child's Well, the great
1:34psychiatrist um and co-writer with Oprah
1:37of a Bruce Perry has written a book
1:39called Born for Love.
1:41And we're essentially born for love. I
1:43It's It's It's a developmental need and
1:45love isn't just
1:47how other people feel about us, is do
1:50they see us?
1:52And if they can't see us for we are for
1:55who we are because of their own
1:57limitations. And a lot of parents have
1:59trouble doing that. I certainly did.
2:02Then the child wants to be seen in a
2:04positive way by the parent. And then
2:07they'll change themselves, hide parts of
2:09themselves, as you exaggerate other
2:11parts of themselves, basically
2:14create an image that they want the other
2:16person to see, cuz they can't see their
2:18real person. So, really it comes to my
2:20earliest relationships where we were not
2:22seen for who we are. Had we been seen
2:24for who we are,
2:26we would just accept ourselves and not
2:28be so concerned with what other people
2:30see us. So, it goes back to our earliest
2:31days.
2:33In homes where the parents actually love
2:35the child, we're not blaming the parent
2:37here. We're saying that
2:39the parents' own limitations prevent
2:41them from seeing their child for exactly
2:43who they are, then the child will mold
2:45themselves into whoever
2:48the parents wants them to be.
2:50>> Wow. How do you see someone
2:53for who they are and not who you want
2:56them to be, who you think they could be,
3:00or just the best parts of them? Because
3:02what I'm hearing is that's what we end
3:03up doing, right?
3:04>> Yeah. Well, well, that's the key
3:06question and um
3:10somewhere I heard you say that
3:12people love you,
3:14but they may not love you the way you
3:16want them to love you.
3:18And
3:20we actually have trouble
3:23loving people the way they need to be
3:25loved. We think that love is the feeling
3:27that we have for them. And that's
3:29certainly true,
3:31but it's much more than that. You can
3:33have all kinds of loving feeling towards
3:35somebody,
3:37but be limited by your own traumas from
3:41seeing them
3:42for who they are. And then And also a
3:44lot of parents in this culture wants
3:47their kid to fit in with the culture.
3:50Now, that means
3:52you have a preconceived idea of who the
3:54child should be.
3:56And then when you don't see the child as
3:58the way you want them to be, you're
3:59dissatisfied with them.
4:01Another child will behave in more
4:03impetus to fit themselves into the
4:04parents' expectations.
4:06So, it's it comes from this culture's
4:09incapacity to see people who they
4:11actually are.
4:13>> Mhm.
4:14Yeah, I mean as I'm listening to you,
4:17I'm thinking about just the amount of
4:21moments there are in our lives
4:25where
4:26the person's trauma creates new
4:30challenges for us.
4:31>> Yeah.
4:32>> That doesn't get healed. That then gets
4:33passed on. How do people in this room,
4:36how do we all make sure
4:38that we are people where that cycle
4:41stops? That we can break that cycle,
4:44that we can interrupt that pattern, that
4:47we can be the people in our families, in
4:49the lives of people who have children,
4:51even if you don't choose to, how do you
4:53become the person that changes that
4:55trajectory for your family?
4:58>> At some point, something has to happen
5:00for you
5:01that causes you to wonder, who am I
5:04really?
5:05And
5:06everything that I manifest and speak and
5:09do,
5:10is it designed to
5:12fit other people's expectations
5:15or does it line up with who I really am?
5:18And people get to that point, and that's
5:20what they call the midlife crisis,
5:21actually.
5:23And
5:24all of a sudden you start wondering,
5:25whose life whose life am I leading
5:27anyway? I certainly went through that,
5:29still going through it.
5:3080 80 81 years old and still going
5:33through a midlife crisis, you know.
5:35>> See, you're not too old at the end. 26
5:37is all right. You're doing just fine.
5:40You're doing just fine at 26.
5:42>> So, but what I'm saying, Jay, is there
5:44has to be a good there. At some point
5:47you have to recognize that
5:49it's not working the way
5:53that feels good in the heart or in the
5:55gut. So, there has to be that
5:57recognition. Then has to be a curiosity.
6:00Now,
6:01you're asking about the future
6:02generations, but the way we
6:06gift future generations is by actually
6:08working on ourselves.
6:11Not by trying to be better parents,
6:13but by actually dealing with our own
6:16stuff. That's the way we avoid, as best
6:19we can, passing it on to the next
6:21generation.
6:23>> [applause]
6:27[applause]
6:28>> I think one of the ways the inner critic
6:31and that inner voice
6:33keeps us imprisoned
6:35is that it makes us believe
6:38we're only valuable when we're busy.
6:40>> Yeah.
6:41>> We're only valuable if this, right? Fill
6:43in the blank.
6:44>> wait a minute.
6:46The the guy who just starts a 13-city
6:49tour in 2 weeks just asked me that
6:51question.
6:52>> [laughter]
6:53>> You can't expose me on my own show,
6:55Gabor.
6:57>> You look, I just
6:59Believe me, my wife's in the audience
7:01and
7:02she once said to me, uh
7:04"Buddy, you've written a book called
7:06When the Body Says No. Now, you better
7:08write one called When the Wife Says No."
7:10>> [laughter]
7:12>> Precisely for the same reason.
7:14>> [laughter]
7:16>> That's so good. That's so good. But you
7:18didn't answer my question.
7:19>> Sorry?
7:20>> [laughter]
7:21>> Sorry, I missed what you said.
7:22>> No, I was saying, um yeah, I mean, me
7:25included, we definitely have that belief
7:28that I am valuable if and fill in the
7:30blank. It could be I'm only valuable if
7:33I'm busy, I'm only valuable if this
7:36person says I am, I'm only valuable if I
7:38get promoted, I'm only valuable
7:40>> I know, and we do have this idea that
7:43we're only as valuable as how we appear
7:46or what we do,
7:47but not for who we are. And then again,
7:49it goes back to very early days, and
7:51I've often talked about something my
7:53friend, the great trauma psychologist
7:56pioneer Peter Levine, said to me a
7:58couple years ago. And Peter is, I think,
8:00a year or two older than I am. He's done
8:02an amazing work in the world. One of my
8:05mentors, and Peter said,
8:07"If I ask myself,
8:09have I done enough? The answer is very
8:12much yes.
8:13But if I ask myself the question, am I
8:15enough?
8:17I still don't know the answer, you know?
8:20And
8:21in this society, we're very much
8:23programmed to identify our value with
8:25what we do. And it's very interesting
8:28when I talk to people about it, cuz
8:29people will tell me, "I'm only as
8:30valuable as I as what I do." And then I
8:32ask them this question,
8:35"Do you value me?"
8:37Talking about myself as a human being.
8:39And they say, "Yeah, of course."
8:41I say, "Okay, what if, God forbid,
8:43tomorrow
8:45I'd have a stroke,
8:46and I couldn't speak, and I couldn't
8:48move,
8:50and I couldn't give anything to anybody?
8:53Would you say to me then, 'Gabor, you're
8:55worthless?'"
8:56And they say, "Of course not."
8:58I said, "Then why are you saying it to
8:59yourself?
9:01Why are you saying to yourself that
9:02you're only as valuable as what you do?
9:05So that
9:06there's this inner concept that I'm only
9:09as valuable as what I do or how I show
9:11up.
9:12There's a tremendous lack of
9:14self-compassion.
9:16>> Wow.
9:17That's Yeah. Yeah, please give it up.
9:19That's
9:20>> [applause]
9:23>> I've never thought about it like that,
9:25and
9:26the dis- the distinction you just made
9:28between those two questions.
9:30>> Yeah.
9:30>> Have I done enough?
9:32Am I enough?
9:33>> Yeah.
9:33>> How do we
9:35learn
9:36to
9:38give a positive, genuinely true answer
9:41to the second one. How do we rewire when
9:44the whole world is telling us like what
9:46you do is who you are, your title, your
9:49followers, your Instagram bio, your
9:51right? The whole world is telling us
9:53that. How do you kind of even begin to
9:55remaneuver how the mind is being
9:57programmed?
9:58>> Yeah. Well, it's
10:01I can't say that I fully worked it out,
10:03but two things come to mind when I hear
10:06your question. One is
10:09would you say to a one-day-old baby who
10:11can't do a thing?
10:13Would you ever say to them or believe
10:15about them, "You are not enough"?
10:17>> [snorts]
10:18>> And of course you wouldn't.
10:19Then why are you saying it to yourself?
10:21Okay?
10:23So, that's the first answer.
10:25And then the second answer is
10:28who's even asking?
10:30Who you know?
10:35>> [applause]
10:44>> Gabor, on the flip side of feeling like
10:46we only have value because we work hard,
10:49a lot of us are guilty or feel guilty
10:52for resting. If you look at the studies
10:55in the United States,
10:56>> Yeah.
10:56>> high percentages of people don't use
10:59their annual leave. And the annual
11:01vacation in the US is far less. I'm
11:05hoping in Canada people use their annual
11:06leave. Uh yeah, there you go.
11:10Uh and in the UK, we definitely use our
11:13annual leave. Uh
11:15>> [laughter]
11:16>> but but there's that sense that we all
11:18still feel a slight guilt for resting.
11:21We feel a guilt for taking a break.
11:23>> I can totally relate. When I was a busy
11:25and workaholic family doctor, literally,
11:29and you know, I used to deliver babies
11:30and look after pregnant woman.
11:32I'd feel terrible at going on holiday
11:34with my family cuz somebody might go be
11:37give birth without me. You know, it's
11:38like imagine somebody in the world is
11:41born without me. How's that
11:43>> [laughter]
11:43>> Yeah.
11:46How's that?
11:47How did humanity survive all those
11:49millions of years, you know?
11:51But there's that voice in me that says,
11:53"I'm committed to that patient. I have
11:55to be there." And then the sense of
11:56guilt that I'm actually looking after
11:57myself. Um that comes from that same
12:00belief
12:02that we're not enough
12:03unless we're doing something.
12:05>> Mhm.
12:05>> That that that lack of um
12:08valuation of ourselves just for being.
12:11>> Yeah.
12:12That I mean that resonates so strongly.
12:15And so many of us are constantly
12:18challenged by it. Walk us through what's
12:20actually happening
12:22to the brain when we stress ourselves
12:25physically or get close to burnout.
12:28What's actually happening to us that we
12:30don't see the invisible effects. We know
12:32that we get tired, we get exhausted, but
12:36what's actually happening inside that we
12:37often miss?
12:38>> Well, so stress
12:41by the way, we Canadians can be proud of
12:43the word stress
12:45because it actually was coined right
12:47here in Canada in the way that we use it
12:49today.
12:50Um
12:50>> I didn't know that.
12:51>> Yeah, I know a lot of people don't. It
12:52was coined by a another fellow Hungarian
12:55of mine um
12:56called Janos Selye, S E L Y E, who was a
13:01physician and researcher who came to
13:03Canada in early 20th century
13:07just after the First World War and he
13:09did his research on stress at University
13:12de Montreal in Montreal.
13:14And he's the one that showed in the
13:15laboratory the impact of stress on
13:19uh diminishing the immune system,
13:21overgrowing the adrenal gland, which is
13:23the stress gland, and ulcerating the
13:25intestines.
13:27And he's the one that the stress the
13:29word stress wasn't new, but the way he
13:30used it
13:31was new. He's the one who established it
13:33internationally.
13:35And
13:36the thing about stress is it's an
13:38essential response to life challenges.
13:41If you're
13:42confronting a threat, you're better have
13:44a stress response, which means you'll
13:47have
13:48activation of your nervous system in a
13:50good way and it's make you more alert.
13:53You'll have more adrenaline to give you
13:54more energy and strength to fight back,
13:56more cortisol that gives you more blood
13:58sugar to have energy for the challenge
14:00ahead. In the long term, that's a
14:03positive and necessary physiological
14:06response of all animals.
14:09In the long term, those same stress
14:11hormones, and this is something that
14:14my professional medical profession I
14:15only wish would understand and practice
14:18more
14:19is is that in the long term those same
14:21stress hormones
14:22give you high blood pressure, constrict
14:25your blood vessels, a high risk of
14:26strokes and and and heart disease,
14:29thin your bones so you get osteoporosis,
14:32suppress the immune system, or can even
14:34turn it against you so you get
14:35autoimmune disease, make you depressed,
14:38put fat on your belly so that you're
14:40more at risk of heart disease, turn on
14:42genes that can cause cancer, turns off
14:45genes that can protect you against
14:47cancer, and cause inflammation in the
14:49body.
14:50So, this is what we all bring on
14:52ourselves.
14:54And people don't realize how
14:56because they've taken on these driven
14:58values of this culture, they're actually
15:00literally making ourselves sick. And
15:02sometimes it takes an illness
15:05to wake people up, and I don't recommend
15:07that way of waking up, but my god, it
15:10works that way very often. One of the
15:12Greek playwrights, uh Aeschylus, wrote
15:15in in a play called Agamemnon, written
15:182,400 years ago,
15:20and he said that
15:21that the way that the gods created us
15:24human beings that we have to suffer into
15:26truth. We have to have pain
15:29to wake us up to reality. And
15:31unfortunately,
15:32too often it's these stresses that we
15:35impose on ourselves that then create
15:37pain, illness, dysfunction that then
15:40wake us up.
15:42That maybe the way I'm living isn't the
15:45way I'm meant to live. But it I hate I
15:48hate I don't hate it. I regret that
15:50that's how people have to wake up, but
15:52it often is. Certainly,
15:54I have to be dragged kicking and
15:56screaming to the truth. I don't
15:58gravitate there automatically.
16:01>> Yeah. Well, well, everyone here is
16:02obviously extremely proactive,
16:04committed, trying their best. They're
16:07self-aware. They they want to do the
16:09work. If someone's sitting there right
16:10now and wondering,
16:13"Gabor, I noticed stress early.
16:16I can see it's getting worse. What do I
16:18do? Where do I start? What should I be
16:20thinking about doing, changing, shifting
16:23if I want to walk out of here tonight
16:24and I want to really prioritize this
16:26because I don't want to end up with that
16:28long laundry list of pains in my life.
16:31What should I do? What would you say?"
16:33>> Well,
16:34um
16:35read my books.
16:39But, uh
16:41uh
16:42Well, I actually
16:44actually, I did mention the book I wrote
16:47called When the Body Says No, which is
16:49the whole point is that when you don't
16:50say no, the body will say it for you in
16:52the form of illness.
16:53In my most recent book that we've just
16:55discussed before, The Myth of Normal,
16:57there's actually a whole chapter on
16:59this. And when I say this, this simple
17:02question
17:03to the inquiry that you just made, for
17:06that person I would say, "Where in your
17:08life are you not saying no?"
17:10And by that I mean, what is a no that
17:13wants to be said
17:15but you're not saying it
17:16because you're afraid of how the world
17:19will perceive you. You You're afraid
17:21that people will will not like you.
17:23You're afraid that people might be
17:24disappointed in you. Where is there a no
17:26that your organism wants to say,
17:29but you're not saying it? Start with
17:30that. Uh Where this week did I not say
17:33no? Where today did I not say no? And
17:35that usually happens in two arenas of
17:38life. Uh in personal relationships.
17:41Happens all the time in personal
17:42relationships.
17:44Um and and in work.
17:47Where there's a no that wants to be
17:48said, but you're not saying it? I
17:50guarantee you that the no that you're
17:52not saying is going to be a source of
17:54stress for you. So, that's the first
17:57question. Other questions follow, but
17:59that's the first one. Where am I not
18:01saying no?
18:02>> That's a great first question.
18:03>> Yeah.
18:04>> Everyone Everyone resonate with that?
18:05That idea of where am I not saying no?
18:08That That resonates so strongly with me
18:10because
18:11I think you're spot-on. We all We were
18:13talking about that in the first half. We
18:14were talking about that that inner voice
18:16that if you just sit and listen to it,
18:18but we're moving so fast. We're so busy
18:21that that no can be really quiet. And
18:24it's like this little whisper that's
18:25barely getting through.
18:26>> small still voice that the Bible talks
18:28about, right? And And there's a related
18:30question as well, which comes later in
18:33the same exercise, you might say, which
18:36is where am I not saying yes?
18:38There were times in my life where I had
18:40certain creative urges or desires, but I
18:43was too busy not saying no that there
18:45was no space for me to say yes to what I
18:47wanted to say yes to. So, those two
18:49questions. Where am I not saying no?
18:52>> [clears throat and cough]
18:53>> Excuse me.
18:55I just came back from a 12-day speaking
18:57trip, so my voice is saying no, you
18:59know.
18:59>> [laughter]
18:59>> Uh
19:00>> And here you are.
19:01>> Yeah.
19:02I'd like to see you at the end of this
19:04trip.
19:04>> [laughter]
19:06>> But But um those two questions Those two
19:10little words,
19:12yes and no. They're crucial in people's
19:14lives.
19:15They're small little words in every
19:17language. They're very short little
19:18words.
19:20You know, German nein, Hungarian nem,
19:24um
19:24Russian nyet, you know, French non.
19:27Really short little words.
19:29But they're just decisive in people's
19:31lives. And it's very interesting. Those
19:34of you that have been parents,
19:36what is the word that your kid starts
19:38saying at 1 and 1/2?
19:39>> [laughter]
19:40>> No.
19:42Put your shoes on. No.
19:45And and you think
19:48As a matter of fact,
19:49I had a friend I've told this story
19:51before. I had a friend called Harold who
19:53had a son called Ben and we were medical
19:55residents at the same time. This is
19:57decades ago. Something like 47 years
19:59ago. And um
20:02Ben Harold the father says to his son
20:05Ben who's 2 years old, "Ben, do you want
20:07an apple?" And Ben said, "No, I want an
20:09apple."
20:10>> [laughter]
20:10>> And and
20:12and what that's about is the is nature
20:16putting a barrier for the child be which
20:19behind which he can develop his own
20:20self.
20:22And before your yes is meaning anything,
20:24you have to be able to say no.
20:26And in this society, we call that, you
20:29know, stupidity.
20:31We call that the terrible twos.
20:34>> [laughter]
20:35>> And it's perfectly natural.
20:37>> Wow.
20:38>> So we start with that word and then we
20:40stifle it in people and at age 45, they
20:43don't know how to say no.
20:45>> Mhm.
20:46It's so interesting because I feel like
20:47our mind convinces us. I don't know if
20:49you're like this as well. Our mind
20:51convinces us that I can't say no.
20:54>> Yeah.
20:54>> Like oh my god, I just couldn't. Like if
20:56I Gabor, if I started doing that, my
20:57life would just fall apart. I can't do
21:00it. Like it's not possible. And our mind
21:01says, "Oh no, and I can't say yes to
21:03this because so we almost kind of fool
21:06ourselves.
21:07>> Well, we do and and and the Buddha said
21:11uh
21:11uh 2,500 years ago
21:14in so many almost in so many words that
21:16with our minds we create the world.
21:19Now, if you've if your mind lives in a
21:21world where you saying no threatens you
21:25then you're not going to say no.
21:26No.
21:28What the Buddha didn't say is that which
21:30is more modern psychology is that before
21:33they our minds create the world, the
21:35world creates our minds.
21:38So, if you grew up in a family where
21:40your no wasn't respected, where it was
21:42seen as a sign of
21:44mm disrespect, disobedience, something
21:48to be suppressed or punished
21:51and your acceptance dependent on your
21:53acquiescence
21:55then
21:56you'll forget how to say no in order to
22:00protect yourself. So, it it it starts
22:02off as an adaptation. Sometimes when I
22:06I play a song by Elvis Presley.
22:09Did you see that wonderful documentary
22:10about Presley about Presley called The
22:12Return of the King?
22:13>> I haven't seen that one, but
22:14>> Okay, it's wonderful. He he he goes
22:16through this phase where he sings
22:18terrible songs where he gives up on his
22:21incredible charismatic energy and talent
22:23and he just becomes a puppet in the
22:25hands of his manager.
22:28And then he does this comeback concert
22:32and he shows up on stage
22:35dressed like a god
22:37in leather clothing, just the most
22:39beautiful man on earth and he sings his
22:42raw, raucous, ribald
22:46wonderful rock and roll and he's fully
22:49himself.
22:51But then he gave that up.
22:53And he sings this song called "Anyway
22:55You Want Me, That's the Way I'll Be.
22:58I'll Be Strong as a Mountain or Weak as
23:00a Willow Tree. I'll Be Anything That You
23:02want me to be.
23:03And that's how he ended up living his
23:05life. Ended up dying
23:07um very young in very tragic
23:10circumstances. He's somebody whose raw
23:14genius
23:15was of world significance and his energy
23:18was unbelievable. And he gave it all up.
23:22>> Yeah, it's uh
23:23>> And he paid a heavy price.
23:24>> Yeah, those stories and when we have
23:26hindsight can be so powerful for us.
23:29>> Yeah.
23:30>> Even if we're not living that life or
23:31whatever it may be, they're so powerful
23:33for us to look back on. And tonight I
23:36wanted to make this an extremely special
23:38experience because I want you to know
23:40just how deeply grateful I am that
23:42you're here today and I've asked
23:45Dr. Gabor as my first guest if he was
23:49comfortable leading and guiding
23:51an individual who wanted to go through
23:53his compassionate inquiry personally in
23:56this seat up here tonight.
23:59And so if there's anyone who's
24:01going through something, feels like
24:02they've been held back, feel like
24:04they've been challenged,
24:05who wants to before we take questions
24:07would like to go through a process in
24:10front of the audience, he'd happily walk
24:12you through. So, if you want to just
24:14raise your hands and I'll have a look
24:15around.
24:16>> Well, thanks for coming up. I hope
24:18you're not nervous. There's only a
24:19thousand stranger
24:21a thousand strangers watching you. Um
24:24what would you like to talk about?
24:25>> I'm on your chapter on attunement
24:27attunement um
24:29I guess I would love to hear it from
24:30from your point of view because
24:33I think I'm really trying as of this
24:35week uh to stop trying to explain myself
24:38and refine my
24:41instinct and listen to my gut.
24:44And I would just
24:46just stop trying to be seen. Stop trying
24:48to explain myself is something I'm
24:50really working on right now and
24:51something I I want to pass on to my
24:53children.
24:54And would really love to see how that
24:56starts and I think you guys kind of gave
24:59a really good intro to that today.
25:00>> All right, thank you. So, are you
25:03concerned about if you don't figure this
25:05out that might affect your children
25:07somehow?
25:08>> Yeah.
25:08>> Okay. Well, let's start with the
25:10beginning. How old are your kids? You
25:12said one and three?
25:13>> Yes.
25:15>> And how old were you
25:17when your mother began to work on
25:19herself?
25:23>> That's a tough question.
25:25>> [laughter]
25:25>> Well, what's the answer?
25:28>> Um probably now.
25:30>> Okay.
25:31What would it have meant for you if your
25:34mother had began to work on herself when
25:36you were 1 years old?
25:38>> It made a big big difference.
25:40>> How so?
25:44>> Um
25:45>> You would know who you were.
25:46>> Yes.
25:47>> You've already given that gift to your
25:49children.
25:51Notice that, okay? Cuz you've already
25:53began that work. You've already began to
25:55answer those question ask those
25:56questions.
25:57So, you got nothing to worry about.
25:59That's the first point.
26:01Okay?
26:02The second point is
26:04who's the one
26:06who's even asking the question?
26:08Who's the one that notices
26:10that sometimes you don't follow your
26:13gut? That sometimes you don't listen to
26:15your heart? Who's the one
26:17in you that notices that?
26:22>> Me.
26:23>> Yeah. So, you're already here.
26:25You say I'm trying to be myself. You
26:27don't have to try anything.
26:29It's already here.
26:32You just have to pay more attention to
26:33it.
26:35Now, that part of you that sees and
26:38asks,
26:41can you check in with that in your body?
26:43What does that feel like in your body?
26:47>> Peace.
26:49>> Yeah.
26:51Peace, but you said it with a kind of a
26:54scrunched up face. You said peace.
26:59Just checking again.
27:01I'm not criticizing you.
27:03I'm just noticing.
27:05Like you're not quite ready to believe
27:07yourself.
27:09So, checking again. That part of you
27:11that notices and is committing committed
27:14to being you
27:16and is committed to
27:18helping your children be themselves.
27:22What does that part feel like inside
27:23you?
27:24>> Confidence.
27:25>> Thank you. And I noticed that you said
27:27that
27:28with absolute confidence.
27:31What else do you need to know?
27:33Is there anything else you need to know?
27:35I'm asking you.
27:41>> So, how do you just be confident? I
27:45guess.
27:45>> You just did it.
27:46>> [laughter]
27:48>> You know what you do? You check in with
27:50your body.
27:51This thing that I'm doing is called
27:52compassionate inquiry. It's a
27:54therapeutic method that I've helped to
27:56develop and we teach it internationally
27:58online. You can look it up online if you
28:00want to, but it's based on the
28:03fundamental belief that there's nothing
28:05wrong with anybody to start with.
28:08That everything, for example, your
28:09disconnecting from your gut feelings was
28:11an adaptation.
28:14But that the truth is inside you.
28:16And by asking the right questions
28:19the truth will emerge.
28:21It's as simple as that. And I think the
28:23audience has been witnessing that
28:26truth emerging from you
28:28very easily.
28:31That's my sense, unless you're
28:32pretending, which I don't believe you
28:34are.
28:35Okay? So,
28:37just keep asking yourself
28:40where am I not saying no?
28:42Today, if I didn't pay attention to my
28:45my feelings, not judge yourself for it.
28:48I didn't I you know
28:50I screwed up again, but huh, I noticed I
28:53didn't pay attention to my gut feeling
28:54today in that situation.
28:56I wonder why not. What did I believe at
28:58the time?
29:00So, just keep asking yourself.
29:02Just keep showing up for yourself.
29:04Which is what you're already doing.
29:07So, I'm telling you you're on the right
29:08track already.
29:10Far more than I was at your age, by the
29:12way.
29:13Okay?
29:15>> Thank you.
29:15>> You're very welcome.
29:18>> [applause]
29:24>> Thanks.
29:34>> I really love that method. And I hope as
29:38you were listening, you were practicing
29:40on it on yourself like I was.
29:41>> Right. Right.
29:42>> Because
29:44as I was listening in, there was a real
29:47sense of just
29:50how we constantly think we're not on the
29:52path.
29:52>> Yeah.
29:53>> We constantly think we're not doing the
29:54work. We constantly think that there's
29:57something wrong with us and something
29:58broken.
29:59>> Right.
29:59>> And you were just saying actually
30:01that is the challenge. That you know,
30:04that's kind of
30:05>> Yeah, and I'm saying that whether for
30:07you or for me or anybody in this
30:08audience,
30:10whatever you think is wrong with you,
30:12at some point served a purpose.
30:15So, for Christina, at some point
30:18disconnected from her gut feelings,
30:20served a purpose of being accepted
30:23by the people that she had to be
30:25accepted by. It wasn't a mistake. It
30:28wasn't a moral failure. It was an
30:29adaptation. The problem is that these
30:31early adaptations then become ingrained,
30:34and that which was helpful in one
30:36situation
30:38becomes
30:40a limitation in another situation.
30:43But,
30:44asking ourself the right questions will
30:46get us back to source. I
30:48if I may mention, I'm wearing this
30:50bracelet here, and I was given this in
30:52Haida Gwaii, where I which is
30:55as people in British Columbia know that
30:57it's a beautiful set of islands in the
30:59north of our province,
31:01where indigenous people have lived for
31:03something like 10 or 12,000 years, and
31:05then it was colonized, and
31:07they were treated terribly. And I gave a
31:10trauma workshop up there a year and a
31:11half ago,
31:12and
31:14an elderly woman came up to me, and I've
31:15told this story before, of she was so
31:18ashamed of herself because she forgot
31:21her native tribal national language.
31:25And I said, "Well, what happened to
31:26you?"
31:27And I was given this bracelet at that
31:29workshop. And
31:30she What happened was she went to the
31:33residential residential school, where
31:35indigenous people had to surrender their
31:37children to the state and to the church,
31:40and she made the mistake
31:42of speaking her
31:44native tongue, at which point they took
31:46a stick and they beat her.
31:48>> Wow.
31:49>> Her forgetting her language at that
31:52point saved her life.
31:55And then she was ashamed, "I didn't
31:58fight back."
31:59I said, "Okay, you were 5 years old.
32:02Could you escape? No.
32:04Could you ask for help? No.
32:07What would have happened if you fought
32:08back?"
32:10"They might have killed me."
32:12So, not fighting back, what she's
32:14judging herself as cowardice,
32:17was actually her organism's wisdom to
32:20save her life. And what I'm saying is
32:22that all these things in ourselves,
32:24that's an extreme example, but all these
32:26things in ourselves that we berate
32:29ourselves for, judge ourselves for,
32:31criticize ourselves for, they began as
32:33adaptations.
32:35We We to be very kind to ourselves. And
32:37that's what I'm saying, compassionate
32:39inquiry.
32:41Uh there's a spiritual teacher who says
32:43that only when compassion is present,
32:46will people allow themselves to see the
32:47truth. Well, that compassion needs to be
32:50extended to ourselves.
32:52And then we can extend it to others as
32:54well.
32:55>> Oof.
32:56It's so Yeah.
33:00>> [applause]
33:06>> It's so powerful for me to hear that
33:07from you because I think we're so good
33:09at
33:10saying, "Oh god, the last 3 years were
33:12just a waste of time, but now I figured
33:13it out."
33:14>> Yeah.
33:15>> "You know, all that job that I was in 10
33:16years ago, I just I should have left it
33:18earlier. You know that relationship."
33:20We're so good at berating, as you said,
33:22and just saying, "Oh, that was a waste
33:23of time." And it's almost like Well, no,
33:25no, no.
33:26>> Yeah.
33:27>> It wasn't ideal. It wasn't help It It
33:29wasn't easy. It wasn't comfortable. It
33:31wasn't nice.
33:33But
33:35it's aided you. It's helped you. It's
33:36served you. And you're so right that
33:38>> Well, you know what? The the the great
33:40German philosopher Nietzsche,
33:44he said once that we
33:45I'm paraphrasing him, but he said, "We
33:48talk about these dead ends that we went
33:50down." He said, "There are no There are
33:52no dead ends. We just found out that
33:54that wasn't the way to go."
33:55>> [laughter]
33:56>> So, we didn't waste any time. Thomas
33:58Edison said, he was once asked, "What is
34:01it What did it feel like to have failed
34:031,999
34:05times to build a light bulb until you
34:07finally got it?" And he said,
34:09"I didn't fail 1,999 times to build a
34:12light bulb. I found out that there was
34:141,999 ways not to build a light bulb."
34:18And so much for our dead ends and our
34:20mistakes and all these things that You
34:22know, we have to do it to find out to
34:24find out our reality. That's all.
34:26>> Yeah.
34:28I wanted to give you all an opportunity
34:30this evening to ask questions to Dr.
34:33Gabor Maté as we have him here for the
34:36last few moments. If you would like to
34:38ask a question, I'm going to come out
34:39into the audience and hand you a mic.
34:42So, raise your hands
34:44uh and I'm going to come and find you.
34:45So,
34:46uh yeah, keep keep them raised so I can
34:47see you.
34:49>> Even as an adult in my experience of
34:51working with many different people in
34:53marketing and business and when you say
34:55no to someone right away, whether you
34:58have any reason to, people abruptly shut
35:01down.
35:03They don't hear what comes after the no.
35:05So, what I've been doing with my
35:07children, I'm also a school counselor,
35:08so
35:09I talk about uh diplomatically saying
35:12no.
35:14Saying like just that pause moment for
35:16you to share your no without saying no
35:19right away. What are your thoughts on
35:21that?
35:22>> Well,
35:23Eckhart Tolle, who's
35:25another Vancouver-based um
35:27teacher um
35:29internationally very well known, I'm
35:30sure very well known to this audience.
35:33Uh he talks about um a high-quality no.
35:37So, there is um
35:39that's kind of an automatic, resentful,
35:43um
35:44reactive no,
35:47which doesn't get across. It just
35:49creates more resistance.
35:51Or there's a high-quality no,
35:54where you're really honoring yourself
35:56and you're not
35:58making the other person wrong.
36:00You're just saying, "No,
36:03that does not work for me and I will not
36:05do that.
36:07And if you can't accept that, it's not
36:10my problem."
36:12I don't know if that answers your
36:13question, but that's what comes up for
36:14me.
36:15>> Thank you so much. Thank you for your
36:16question.
36:17>> [applause]
36:23>> And by the way, I I thought I heard you
36:25say that you had cancer at some point,
36:27well, in my view,
36:29not that's one of your body's way of
36:31saying no, is through illness, you know,
36:33and I've seen that all the time.
36:35>> So, my question is, as an indigenous
36:37person who's who's had
36:40family that have went to residential
36:41school,
36:43as I get more serious my partner,
36:46we're talking about children.
36:49How do I know if I'm healed enough to
36:51not pass on
36:53that trauma?
36:55>> Well,
36:58some friends of mine,
37:00who made a film about my work called The
37:01Wisdom of Trauma,
37:03are just releasing a film this month.
37:05It's called The Eternal Song.
37:08And it's about indigenous wisdom around
37:10the world.
37:12And
37:14what they and they they came to Haida
37:15Gwaii, they came to northern British
37:17Columbia, Africa, South America,
37:20Australia and New Zealand.
37:22They spoke everywhere to indigenous
37:24people.
37:25And The Eternal Song, the universal
37:28message
37:30everywhere
37:31is
37:33about the importance of learning from
37:35the heart
37:36and unity with nature, unity with the
37:38whole world.
37:40And when I speak in indigenous
37:42communities here in Canada,
37:45what I stress is
37:47that your own traditions
37:48>> [snorts]
37:49>> that they tried to
37:51they tried to
37:54kill in you.
37:56And you know, one Canadian politician
37:58said about the residential schools that
38:00the intention is to drive the Indian out
38:03of the Indian.
38:05So, when you ask me
38:09how to not to pass it on to your kids, I
38:11say first of all,
38:13as I've said before, work on your own
38:15trauma,
38:16but also as much as possible, connect
38:18with that deep wisdom in your own
38:19traditions that will be so beneficial,
38:22not just for your people but for the
38:24whole society and I think it's one of
38:26the tragedies of modern civilization. I
38:29just did a speaking tour in Australia.
38:31In Australia, they've been indigenous
38:33people for 60,000 years. A continuous
38:36culture for 60,000 years. Canada is not
38:40200 years old yet.
38:44Do you think in 60,000 years they might
38:46learn a few things?
38:48Do you think in 60,000 years
38:51they over there or your people here
38:52might have learned a few things that
38:54would be worthwhile for the rest of us
38:56to learn?
38:57So, what I'm saying respectfully in
38:59response to your question is deal with
39:01your traumas, work them through, but
39:03also go back to your own wisdom cuz
39:06there's so much there that is healing.
39:09The unity, the chanting, the drumming,
39:12the dancing, the
39:15the um
39:17the sun dancing, the cedar brushing, the
39:22um
39:24what do you call it? The the smoke that
39:25that that you
39:27certain plant, you know, the the
39:30the sweat lodges.
39:33There's so much there. So, combine
39:35modern trauma work
39:38with your own traditions and I think
39:40you'll have the perfect brew. That's my
39:41best advice to you.
39:44Thank you.
39:46>> [applause]
39:52>> So, I'm just wondering how relating
39:56actually to your previous conversation,
39:58how does one balances the desire to
40:02self-improve and self-acceptance?
40:06>> You see some kind of a contradiction
40:07between what you call self-improvement
40:09and self-acceptance. Can you say it tell
40:11me a bit more about that? What is the
40:13contradiction that you're perceiving
40:15there?
40:17>> The way I see it is
40:19for you to want to improve in the first
40:22place, you might see
40:25maybe yourself
40:26uh as not enough in [snorts] some
40:29situation or facets.
40:30>> And that's true.
40:32If you
40:33working on self-improvement, you're
40:37you making some kind of an accusation
40:39against yourself.
40:41But how about if you just put the two
40:43together as how can I reach my full
40:45potential?
40:47And I just have that question. Then
40:49there's no contradiction.
40:51How can I reach my full potential? And
40:53what is keeping me from my full
40:55potential? There's no accusation in
40:57that. There's no self-judgment in that.
41:00There's no self-rejection in that. It
41:01just says
41:02how can I reach my full potential? And
41:05that is a lifelong process.
41:08But it's a beautiful one and there's no
41:10contradiction in it. I hope that answers
41:12your question.
41:12>> It did. Thank you so much.
41:19>> [applause]
41:25>> Um hi.
41:27Um I've been on a similar journey kind
41:30of as Jay Shetty. Um I I grew into
41:34wanting to help people um since a really
41:36young age. I've
41:38always wanted to just be there for my
41:40friends, for my family. And I think one
41:43of the things that I've been um that
41:45have limited me a bit is just feeling
41:47too young to help people, to give
41:50guidance, or to, you know, just
41:53And yeah, and I recently started a
41:55YouTube channel. And like I was saying,
41:58um I feel like there's just a lot of
42:01things for me to still learn and I feel
42:04sometimes too young to be spreading out
42:06whatever it is that I know.
42:08And like what we were talking about
42:10earlier, like feeling like I'm going to
42:12be judged or
42:14or be looked at as like, "What do you
42:16know?" you know, but um I'm 22 years
42:19old, so I do feel really really young
42:22still and
42:23yeah, and so I guess just my
42:26question would be, how do I How do I
42:29I guess tap into that wisdom that I have
42:32without feeling like it's not enough.
42:34>> What I heard you say is that you feel
42:36that you're too young and you have a
42:38fear that other people will judge you as
42:41too immature, as just um
42:44not ready to make a contribution. That's
42:47what I heard you say, okay? Now, um
42:51I can think of lots of people at age 22
42:53who were recognized geniuses by the time
42:55they were 22. Mozart was one of them,
42:58you know?
42:59Um he was
43:01composing stuff when he was 11 years
43:03old.
43:05You know, so that age has got nothing to
43:07do with it. That's the first point.
43:09Second point is when you say, "I feel
43:11I'm too young," that's not a feeling.
43:14Feelings are I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm
43:18sad, I'm angry. Those are feelings. "I'm
43:22too young" is not a feeling. It's a
43:24belief.
43:27Okay, can you see the distinction?
43:29Okay.
43:31If a friend of yours
43:35like age 22, I was at university and I
43:37was writing
43:39columns for the student newspaper.
43:42Would you have come to see Would you
43:44have come to me and say, "Gabor, you're
43:46just 22. You're too young to write
43:48anything."
43:50Would you have said that to me?
43:52How come you wouldn't have said that?
44:00>> Um I think
44:03Well, one of I think one of the things
44:05that I I see is that like we were
44:07talking about earlier, too. I
44:10>> Well, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
44:12I'm just asking a simple question.
44:15You're 22 and you're saying to yourself,
44:18"I'm too young."
44:21But you would not said that to me at age
44:2322.
44:25I didn't have YouTube There wasn't
44:26YouTube then, but there was a newspaper
44:27that I wrote for.
44:30Why would you have not said to me, "God,
44:32but you're too young to do this." How
44:33come?
44:37>> Because you're not me.
44:38>> Oh, so there's different rules for you
44:40and me, is that right?
44:42>> No, but I think I would just
44:44automatically think that you you're
44:47good.
44:47>> Well, here's what I'm thinking.
44:50Are you willing to apply the same rules
44:52to both of us?
44:53>> Yeah.
44:54>> Then just apply the same rule to
44:55yourself as you would have And as a
44:57matter of fact, even if a friend of
44:59yours who was your age said, "Hey, I got
45:01this idea of a YouTube channel. I'm
45:03going to make a contribution and express
45:06and when" Would you say to them, "Hey,
45:08you're too young."
45:09>> No. No.
45:10>> Okay. So, again, notice what I referred
45:12to before as the lack of
45:14self-compassion.
45:17And just notice it. Now, don't judge
45:20yourself
45:21for lacking self-compassion. Just notice
45:24it.
45:26And and then
45:29make an effort to treat yourself
45:32the way that you treat me or anybody
45:34else.
45:35And you'll be just fine. Now, you know
45:36what? People may judge you. That's
45:38totally true.
45:40That may true That may be true. So,
45:42what? What's the headline? Human being
45:44is judging other human being?
45:49People judge me all the time.
45:51I mean, just go to the YouTube channels
45:53where I got, you know, all the stuff of
45:55mine and lots of wonderful comments, but
45:58some people say, uh "This guy bores me
46:01to death."
46:02All right. And and one of them actually
46:04that I love I love I love this one
46:06today. It was on a political issue that
46:08obviously this person didn't agree with
46:10me, but they said, "Gabor obviously has
46:12dementia."
46:14>> [laughter]
46:15>> Okay.
46:16So what?
46:20Okay?
46:22>> Thank you so much.
46:25>> [applause]
46:31>> Uh,
46:32uh
46:35Gabor, you have been such a joy and such
46:38a treat to have my first ever live
46:41interview for the podcast we've ever
46:43done. To do it in Vancouver, to do it
46:45with you.
46:46Someone that I genuinely learn so much
46:48from every time you speak, every time
46:50you share.
46:51Someone that I'm so grateful to call a
46:53friend.
46:54Uh, we've meditated together, we've had
46:56plenty of conversations together.
46:57>> Yeah.
46:58>> And
46:59I want to ask you one last question
47:01before I
47:02>> But before you do, let me just also say
47:04that it's uh
47:05a real honor and a pleasure for me to be
47:07invited by you to speak with your
47:09audience and to be the first one on this
47:11tour to
47:12to be a guinea pig for you.
47:18>> [applause]
47:22[cheering]
47:23[applause]
47:26>> We we've all been guinea pigs tonight.
47:28>> That's right, yeah.
47:29>> We're we're in it together. Uh, but I
47:31want to end with one last question I
47:33wanted to ask you, which is
47:36if there's
47:41one thought you'd love for people to
47:44discuss as they left today.
47:46Something that they could talk to on the
47:48way home with their friend that they
47:50came with, their partner, their family
47:52member.
47:54And if they came alone, something they
47:56can start a conversation tomorrow
47:58>> Yeah.
47:58>> at work, at home. What would you
48:00encourage them to
48:01>> Well, I'll tell you what comes up right
48:03away for me is ask yourself this
48:05question, what is true for me?
48:08What is true for me?
48:10Ask yourself that question and keep
48:12asking yourself that question. Keep
48:13asking that all your life. That's what
48:15comes up.
48:16>> What is true for me?
48:17>> Yeah.
48:18>> I love it. Dr. Gabor Maté, everyone.
48:20>> Thank you.
48:21>> [applause]
48:22>> If you loved this episode, you'll love
48:24my interview with Dr. Gabor Maté on
48:27understanding your trauma and how to
48:29heal emotional wounds to start moving on
48:32from the past.
48:33>> A therapist once said to me that if your
48:35parents didn't know how to hold you, you
48:37developed a mind you hold yourself with.
48:39It's a faith of pain and it's designed
48:41to keep you from experiencing pain.

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