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Doctor Explains The Science of Becoming UNRECOGNIZABLE — Transcript

by Kim Foster, M.D. · 2,712 words · 419 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00If you know that you're capable of
0:02becoming dramatically different from the
0:04person that you are today, this video is
0:06for you. More confident, more
0:08disciplined, more successful, healthier,
0:11more magnetic, making different
0:13decisions, and attracting different
0:15opportunities. Maybe even living a life
0:18that would genuinely surprise the
0:21current version of you. There's a huge
0:22difference between becoming a slightly
0:25better version of yourself and becoming
0:28almost unrecognizable. As a doctor, I
0:30became fascinated by what separates
0:33people who make that kind of
0:35transformation from people who spend
0:38years trying to change, but somehow keep
0:41ending up back in the same place. And in
0:43this video, I am going to show you what
0:47the science tells us about profound
0:49personal transformation and how to make
0:52changes deep enough that they actually
0:54alter the direction of your life. The
0:57thing is, you can put enormous effort
0:59into self-improvement and still keep
1:02rebuilding essentially the same life.
1:04So, we are not going to do that anymore.
1:07And before we get started, if one of the
1:09things that's keeping you stuck is that
1:12frustrating pattern where you know what
1:14you should do, but somehow keep getting
1:17in your own way, I've created a free
1:19self-sabotage recovery guide that walks
1:22you through how to interrupt that
1:24pattern. I will put the link below. Now,
1:26there are five things that I want to
1:27show you in this video. Five things that
1:30have to happen for a transformation to
1:32go from temporary improvement to I
1:35barely recognize that version of myself
1:38anymore. And number four is especially
1:41important because it explains something
1:43that confuses a lot of people, why you
1:46can make real progress, start feeling
1:48like you've changed, and then suddenly
1:51find yourself acting like the old you
1:53again. But, let's start with the first
1:55one. So, it's this, make your future
1:57self real. Here's the thing. Most people
1:59begin change by asking the wrong
2:02question. They ask, "What do I need to
2:04fix? What habit do I need to stop? What
2:07goal should I achieve?" And those
2:10questions aren't useless, but they do
2:12keep you focused on the current version
2:15of you. If you want profound change, at
2:18some point you have to start asking a
2:20very different question: Who am I
2:23becoming? Psychologists have been
2:25studying versions of this idea for
2:27decades. There is a concept called
2:29possible selves. So, that's the future
2:32version of ourselves that we can imagine
2:35becoming, the successful version, the
2:37healthier version, the bolder version.
2:40Also importantly, the version that we're
2:42afraid of becoming. Those possible
2:44selves matter because they can influence
2:47what we do now. There's also fascinating
2:49research on something called future
2:52self-continuity. Essentially, [music]
2:54how connected you feel to the person
2:57that you'll be in the future. When that
2:58future person feels real to you, not
3:01like some vague [music] stranger living
3:0310 years from now, you're more likely to
3:06make decisions today that benefit that
3:08person, which makes intuitive sense when
3:10you think about it. If future you feels
3:12like a stranger, then why would present
3:15you sacrifice anything for that person?
3:18But, if you can really see that person,
3:20that future version of you, that changes
3:23things. So, this is actually where I
3:25think a lot of personal development
3:27comes up a bit short. People, they make
3:30goals that are technically clear, but
3:32kind of emotionally dead. I want to save
3:35more money, for example. I want [music]
3:36to get fit. I want to start a business.
3:39Fine, but who is the person on the other
3:42side of that? What does that person do
3:45on an ordinary Tuesday? What does she
3:48tolerate? How does he walk into a room?
3:51What does he say yes to? Rather than a
3:53prettier vision board, you need a future
3:55that creates enough gravitational pull
3:58to compete with your present. I
4:00experienced this in a really big way
4:02when I was leaving medicine. For a very
4:04long time, doctor was not just my job.
4:07It was part of how I understood who I
4:09was. So, the idea of becoming an
4:11entrepreneur, a YouTuber, a writer, a
4:14speaker, those things initially felt
4:16almost like costumes. Like something
4:19other people did. But, the transition
4:21started becoming possible when that
4:23future stopped feeling hypothetical and
4:26it started feeling like a life I could
4:28actually inhabit. And that brings us to
4:31the second piece, create
4:33>> [music]
4:33>> evidence. So, here's the thing. You
4:34can't simply declare yourself
4:36transformed. [music] I mean, you can.
4:38You can stand in front of the mirror and
4:41say, "I'm confident. I'm disciplined.
4:44I'm powerful." But, your brain is also
4:46sitting there going, "Interesting. And
4:48[music] this is based on what, exactly?"
4:51One of the ways that we build a sense of
4:54who we are is by observing our own
4:56behavior. Our minds see what we
4:59repeatedly do and we draw conclusions
5:01from it. If you keep showing up for your
5:03morning run, eventually the identity
5:05statement of "I'm someone who runs"
5:08starts becoming believable. Or another
5:10example, if you repeatedly speak up in
5:13situations where you used to stay quiet,
5:16then the statement "I'm someone who can
5:18handle this" starts becoming believable.
5:21If you consistently keep promises to
5:23yourself, your self-trust starts
5:25changing. So, what I have learned
5:27through my own experiences, through
5:29working with hundreds of people also,
5:32and through the research is that
5:34transforming your self-concept and your
5:37life is a loop. You upgrade your
5:39identity just enough to stretch you and
5:41then you gather proof, which strengthens
5:44your new self-concept, and then you keep
5:47leveling up from there. Often people get
5:50the order backwards. They think once I
5:52feel confident, I'll act confident. But
5:55I've found that it usually works the
5:56other way around. You act in one small
5:59way even though you don't feel fully
6:02confident just yet. You survive and then
6:05you collect that piece as evidence. You
6:07do it again and soon enough your
6:10self-perception starts to catch [music]
6:12up. So, that is strategy number two.
6:14Create evidence. I remember working with
6:17a woman who had spent years describing
6:20herself as someone who was terrible at
6:23follow-through. And [music]
6:25you know, she had plenty of evidence for
6:26that story. She would start health plans
6:29and then abandon them. She would make
6:32promises to herself and then quietly
6:34break them. So, every time she tried
6:37something new, she went into it already
6:40expecting herself to fail. So, we didn't
6:42start by trying to convince her that she
6:45was suddenly a disciplined person. That
6:48really would have felt kind of
6:49ridiculous to her. Instead, [music] we
6:51made the target ridiculously small. She
6:54chose one behavior that she could repeat
6:56consistently and then she did it again
6:59[music] and again and again. Nothing
7:01dramatic happened at first but after a
7:03while the conversation changed. She
7:06stopped saying I'm terrible at
7:09follow-through and she started saying
7:11things like, "Actually, when I decide
7:14something really matters to me, I have
7:16been pretty consistent lately." That
7:18sentence might not sound revolutionary
7:21but psychologically it was because she
7:23now had evidence that contradicted that
7:26old story. And that's how these shifts
7:28often happen. Your brain is much more
7:31persuaded by receipts than affirmations.
7:33[music]
7:34Every action is a little piece of
7:36testimony in the case that you are
7:38building for who you are. So, the best
7:41thing to ask yourself is what is one
7:44piece of evidence that the next version
7:46of me could create today? Maybe they
7:48send the email. Maybe they go to the
7:51gym. Maybe they say no. Maybe they apply
7:54for the thing. Transformation starts
7:55becoming real when there's evidence.
7:58Let's move on to strategy number three.
8:00And things get even more interesting
8:02here because you can know exactly who
8:06you want to become. You can be inspired.
8:09You can have the vision. You can even
8:11have some evidence. And you can still
8:14completely exhaust yourself trying to
8:17hold the whole thing together through
8:19willpower. If your new life requires you
8:22to make 17 [music] excellent decisions
8:25before 9:00 a.m., I have some bad news.
8:27That is not a sustainable system. What I
8:29know is that a lot of what we call
8:32discipline is actually structure.
8:34Behavioral science has shown again and
8:37again that repeated behaviors become
8:40more automatic when they are tied to
8:42consistent cues and contexts. That's how
8:45habits work. Eventually, the environment
8:48starts prompting the behavior. You don't
8:50have to deliberate every single time.
8:53And [music] this is a huge part of
8:55becoming unrecognizable. At first, the
8:57new behavior feels very conscious. You
9:00have to [music] remember and you have
9:02to, you know, interrupt yourself and you
9:04have to choose differently. But
9:06eventually, if the structure is good
9:09enough and you repeat it often enough,
9:12it stops [music] feeling like this
9:13heroic act of self-control. It just
9:15becomes what you do. A really good
9:17example of this is something called
9:19implementation intentions. So, instead
9:22of saying, "I'm going to work on my book
9:24more," you say something like, "When I
9:26finish breakfast, I sit [music] down at
9:28my desk and I write for 30 minutes." Now
9:31the behavior has a cue. There's just a
9:33lot less negotiation, which matters
9:36because your future self should not need
9:39to win a motivational cage match every
9:41morning. Also, your environment matters
9:44here, too. If your environment keeps
9:46queuing the old version of you, you are
9:48making transformation harder than it
9:50needs to be. If the people around you
9:53expect you to play the same role that
9:55you have always played, that matters,
9:57too. If your schedule is still designed
10:00around the person that you are trying to
10:02stop being, that matters. [music] Change
10:04becomes much easier when your
10:07surroundings stop [music] constantly
10:09expecting you to reenact the past. So,
10:11this strategy number three is to stop
10:14relying on conscious effort. If you want
10:17to make a new behavior more automatic,
10:19here are three questions to ask. One,
10:22what will queue it? Pick a specific
10:24trigger that already happens reliably.
10:26After I make coffee, after I drop the
10:28kids off, or when I close my laptop at
10:315:00. [music] Second question, how can I
10:33make it easier? Reduce friction. Put
10:36shoes by the door, open the document the
10:38night before, prep the food, remove the
10:41app. Make the desired behavior the path
10:43of least resistance. [music]
10:45And then third, what can I repeat in the
10:47same context often enough that I stop
10:50having to decide? Because that's really
10:52the goal. You are trying to move the
10:54behavior from something you have to
10:56repeatedly choose into something that
10:59your environment just starts to queue
11:01for you. At first this will feel
11:03deliberate and then familiar. And then
11:06eventually it starts to feel like this
11:07is just what I do. Okay, so now we get
11:09to the part that I think most people
11:12completely misunderstand. You can
11:14change. You can make progress. You can
11:18start feeling stronger and healthier and
11:20more confident and more disciplined. And
11:23then suddenly you do something painfully
11:25familiar. Maybe you procrastinate or you
11:28avoid or you overreact. Maybe you
11:31abandon the routine and then you go back
11:33to the old food pattern, and you get
11:35into the same relationship dynamic. You
11:37shrink in a room where you thought you
11:39had finally outgrown that version of
11:42yourself, and a lot of people
11:44immediately interpret that moment as
11:46proof. They're like, "See, I haven't
11:48changed at all. This is just who I am. I
11:50knew I would go back." But old patterns
11:53do not disappear the instant that new
11:55ones are formed. Strongly learned
11:57behaviors are deeply tied to cues and
12:00context and repetition. And when you go
12:02back into an old environment, or you
12:05encounter an old emotional trigger, an
12:07old response can become very easy to
12:10access again. That does not mean that
12:12whatever transformation you have
12:14undergone up to this point wasn't real.
12:17It just means that the old pathway still
12:19exists. [music]
12:20New doesn't immediately erase old. New
12:23has to become stronger, easier to
12:25access, and more frequently rehearsed.
12:28This is one of the reasons self-sabotage
12:31can feel so incredibly confusing. You
12:33can genuinely want the new thing.
12:35[music] You can genuinely be becoming
12:38someone different, and still have
12:41moments where an older pattern appears.
12:44The mistake is turning one regression
12:47into a verdict about your identity.
12:49Things like, [music] "I missed the
12:51workout, therefore I am undisciplined."
12:53Or "I got nervous, therefore I'm not
12:56confident." "I procrastinated today,
12:58therefore I will always sabotage
13:00myself." No, it's just one data point.
13:04The more useful response is,
13:05"Interesting. Old [music] pattern." And
13:07then you make the next decision.
13:10Strategy number four is to expect the
13:12old you to come back. Transformation
13:14isn't about never meeting your old self
13:17again. You will definitely meet your old
13:19self again, but the difference is in how
13:21much or little authority you give that
13:24version of you when they show up.
13:25Instead of requiring perfection, you
13:27start measuring how quickly you return
13:30and how quickly you recover. And
13:33especially, how little drama you attach
13:36to the wobble. The old version of you
13:38may knock on the door that definitely
13:41happens, but you just don't have to give
13:44that person a key. Okay, that was number
13:46four. Now, [music] the final piece,
13:48number five, is when you make the new
13:51you normal. This is really the final
13:54stage. First, becoming someone different
13:57can feel uncomfortable at times. You
13:59might be speaking differently, or
14:02dressing differently, or exercising
14:05differently. Maybe you start saying no,
14:07or you put yourself in rooms that
14:10intimidate you. Maybe you introduce
14:12yourself differently. And you may even
14:14have that thought, "Who do I think I
14:16am?" That thought is incredibly common,
14:20but it's really important to know that
14:22your brain is adaptable. That is what
14:25neuroplasticity means at its most useful
14:27level. Your brain continues to respond
14:30to experience and learning and
14:32repetition across adulthood. And the key
14:35here is the repetition piece. What you
14:37repeatedly practice and [music]
14:39experience matters. The unfamiliar can
14:42become familiar. Things that take a lot
14:45of effort can become easier. Threatening
14:47[music] things can become ordinary. In
14:49my TEDx Talk, I made the argument that
14:52you probably don't need more tactics for
14:55how to adopt a habit. Instead, you need
14:57to look at the person who is trying to
15:00perform that habit. Don't just look at
15:02the what, start looking at the who.
15:05Because eventually, if you keep
15:07collecting evidence [music] and creating
15:09the right structure and surviving the
15:12wobbles and repeating the new pattern,
15:14something really fascinating happens.
15:16The thing that once required courage
15:20becomes normal. The workout that you
15:22once had to force yourself to do becomes
15:25part of your week. The dream that once
15:27felt [music] wildly ambitious starts to
15:30feel reasonable. And [music] at some
15:32point, the version of you who used to
15:34struggle with all of this starts to feel
15:36strangely far away. That's what I mean
15:38by becoming unrecognizable. It's not
15:41about becoming fake [music]
15:43or rejecting who you are. It's about
15:46realizing that who you are today is not
15:49a finished [music] product. Your brain
15:51is still learning. Your behavior is
15:53still shaping you. Your standards can
15:56change. Your capabilities can change.
15:59And your idea of what is normal for you
16:02can absolutely change. A version of
16:04yourself that once felt aspirational can
16:07simply feel like you. So, I want to
16:09leave you with one question. What would
16:12make you almost unrecognizable a year
16:15from now? Tell me in the comments. And
16:17again, if you know that self-sabotage is
16:21one of the things standing between you
16:23and that version of yourself, make sure
16:25that you grab my free self-sabotage
16:28recovery guide below. If you enjoyed
16:30this video, I think that you are going
16:32to really like the video where I
16:34summarize 21 life-changing books. I will
16:37link it on the next screen, and then I
16:39will see you there. Batteries good.
16:42Storage is good. Sound is good. Tea is
16:45topped up. Good to go. Just need to take
16:47a second for a
16:51breath and a sip of tea. New doesn't
16:54immediately erase old. New I keep
16:58getting myself lost. Okay.

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