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Doctor Explains: How to Train Your Brain to Crave Doing Hard Things — Transcript

by Dr. Izzy Sealey · 5,057 words · 767 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00Our hunter-gatherer ancestors walked
0:01around 16,000 steps a day, hunted their
0:04own food, and built things with their
0:06bare hands. Then, you have the average
0:08modern adult who walks four times less,
0:10sits for nearly 10 hours a day, and
0:12increasingly outsource our thinking to
0:14AI. So, I have a slightly embarrassing
0:16confession to make. My life has gotten
0:18too comfortable, and I'm not enjoying
0:19it. A lot of us are feeling anxious or
0:21restless, dissatisfied, feeling
0:22purposeless, or burned out, or even just
0:24feeling kind of flat. And it seems like
0:26the more comfort that we add in, the
0:27worse it gets, because we were actually
0:29never built for frictionless lives like
0:31this. And so, it's no wonder that we're
0:33finding it hard to do hard things,
0:35because we're just not used to it
0:36anymore. And my hot take on this is that
0:38our entire generation is basically
0:40friction starved. If you're new here,
0:41I'm Izzy. I'm a mom, tech co-founder,
0:43and Cambridge-trained doctor. And on
0:44this channel, we explore the [music]
0:45strategies and mindsets to help you
0:47create a life that you love. And so, in
0:49this video, we'll walk through
0:50understanding the science behind why our
0:52bodies and brains need challenge to
0:54grow, the identity shift that gets your
0:56brain to actually crave hard work, and
0:58four specific kinds of friction that
0:59actually worth engineering back into
1:01your life so you can do the very things
1:03that you were built for. Also, quick
1:04thing, as a companion to this video,
1:05I've made a completely free friction
1:07audit guide, and you can find that down
1:09below in the description. So, without
1:11further ado, let's dive in.
1:14So, firstly, the science. You might
1:15think you're lazy, but according to
1:17evolutionary biology, that's pretty much
1:19the furthest thing from the truth. We
1:20were literally built to do hard things,
1:22and here's the science behind it. During
1:23my time at Cambridge, I spent 1 year
1:25studying biological anthropology,
1:27essentially studying human biology and
1:28evolution over hundreds of thousands or
1:31millions of years. And for almost all of
1:32human history, our ancestors lived in
1:34environments where being physically and
1:36cognitively challenged was the only way
1:38to stay alive. Movement, effort,
1:40problem-solving, navigation, memory,
1:42building relationships, skills, these
1:45were all structural features of being
1:47alive and surviving. They weren't
1:48optional add-ons. And so, for the last
1:50200,000 years of human existence, no one
1:53ever intentionally exercised, because
1:55they didn't need to. Life naturally
1:57supplied the friction and the exercise
1:59that they needed. And genuinely, both
2:01you and my ancestors would probably
2:02scoff at high rocks even just a few
2:04generations ago. So, for example, my
2:06grandma's generation in China, they find
2:09it confusing as to why people actively
2:11pay money to a personal trainer to be
2:13made to exercise. Because for many of
2:15them, movement and farming and lifting
2:17things and carrying things was just a
2:19natural part of daily life. Obviously,
2:20now in younger generations, exercise and
2:22working out is emerging as more of a
2:24status symbol and a health forward
2:25symbol in modern China and younger
2:27people in China. And so, this is a
2:28timeline just from 200,000 years ago,
2:30which is when anatomically modern humans
2:32were thought to be around. Essentially,
2:34when humans pretty much like you and I
2:36today evolved and were roaming around
2:38and living their lives. For the vast
2:39majority of the time, they lived as
2:41hunter-gatherers, living in small tribes
2:43and villages, hunting and gathering,
2:45sometimes doing a little bit of
2:46gardening, that kind of thing. Only
2:47about 10,000 years ago did organized
2:49agriculture become a thing, allowing
2:51bigger cities of people to coalesce and
2:54start building stuff together. Then just
2:55150 years ago, we had the Industrial
2:58Revolution. 30 years ago, we invented
3:00the internet. And then just in the last
3:02couple of years, AI has really been
3:03taking off. And so, you can see how for
3:05the vast majority of our evolutionary
3:07history, we didn't have things like the
3:09internet, technology, industry, AI, all
3:12of these kinds of things were not
3:13available to us. And so, our bodies and
3:15brains didn't evolve to be optimal under
3:17these conditions. All of the engineering
3:19away of the environment and the
3:21frictions that we were used to happened
3:23in a very, very tiny sliver of time in
3:25the last 100 years or so.
3:27Anthropologists studying modern
3:29hunter-gatherer communities like the
3:30Hadza in Tanzania, whose lifestyle
3:32broadly resembles how we think our
3:34ancestors probably lived, did studies
3:35measuring their daily activity. On
3:37average, the Hadza take about 16,000
3:40steps a day, versus the modern adult
3:42takes around 4,000 steps a day. And
3:44there's a name for this. It's called
3:46evolutionary mismatch, where the
3:47environment and lifestyle that we
3:49evolved for no longer matches the
3:51reality that we're actually in. In
3:52biology and medical science, hormesis is
3:55a word that describes how small repeated
3:57doses of stress can actually make a
3:59biological system stronger over time.
4:01And this is exactly the principle that
4:03underlies exactly why this loss of
4:05friction is causing us to feel more
4:07unbalanced than ever. An example of
4:09hormesis is when you lift heavy weights,
4:11you actually cause micro tears and micro
4:13damage to your muscles, which in the
4:15short term technically makes them
4:16weaker. Because over the course of a
4:18weightlifting session, you can actually
4:19lift less and less weight because your
4:21muscles start to accrue a little bit of
4:22damage. But then ultimately, this
4:24stimulus of some stress and damage and
4:26weakening actually triggers your muscles
4:28to rebuild even stronger. Dr. Mark
4:30Mattson, who used to be the chief of the
4:32laboratory of neurosciences at the
4:33National Institute on Aging, has spent
4:35decades researching exactly this,
4:37showing how hormetic stresses trigger
4:39those adaptive responses that keep your
4:41cells healthy and can even prevent or
4:43slow down things like memory loss,
4:45neurodegeneration, and metabolic
4:47diseases. Ultimately, our bodies don't
4:49just tolerate effort, they actually need
4:51it to function the way that they were
4:52designed to. And the same principle
4:54applies to our brains. And the core
4:55principle that brains grow under
4:57challenge is actually one of the most
4:59established findings in modern
5:00neuroscience. It's something called
5:02neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity can be
5:04defined as the brain's ability to
5:05physically reorganize itself in response
5:08to use, forming new connections,
5:09strengthening existing ones, and even
5:11growing new tissue in regions that are
5:13being challenged. And critically for
5:14neuroplasticity, meaningful change
5:16requires meaningful challenge. Because
5:18the brain only puts in the effort to
5:19rewire itself in a significant way when
5:21the work is actually hard enough that
5:23the existing pathways can't quite handle
5:25it. And here's one of my favorite
5:26examples of neuroplasticity in real
5:28life. In 2000, a neuroscientist at UCL
5:31called Eleanor Maguire and her team
5:32published a really cool study. They
5:34recruited a cohort of London taxi
5:36drivers. And a bit of fun context, if
5:38you don't know, to get a license to
5:39drive a black cab in London, you have to
5:41pass this mega test called The
5:43Knowledge. To pass The Knowledge, you
5:45need to memorize about 25,000
5:48streets and thousands of landmarks
5:50across the entire city. And it actually
5:51takes most drivers three or four years
5:53of studying and taking the test to
5:55actually pass it. And what they found in
5:56this study was the part of the taxi
5:58driver's brains that handles spatial
6:00memory, called the posterior
6:01hippocampus, was actually measurably
6:03bigger in volume compared to
6:04non-cabbies. And the longer that they
6:06had been driving, the bigger this region
6:08of their brain actually was. And
6:09essentially what they found was that the
6:10cognitive work of constantly memorizing,
6:12recalling, and using this knowledge of
6:14all the streets was literally physically
6:16growing this part of their brains. And
6:18as well as growing the volume, this
6:19active recall strengthens connections
6:20between neurons, which links to the
6:22principle of Hebbian plasticity, which
6:24we used to study back in medical school.
6:25Back in 1949, a psychologist called
6:28Donald Hebb came up with what's known as
6:29Hebb's law, which is that neurons that
6:31fire together wire together. So, our
6:33brains are actually not fixed even as an
6:35adult. They constantly change, reform,
6:37reshape, create new connections, prune
6:39old ones in response to the cognitive
6:41stimuli that we get in our day-to-day
6:43lives. And so, it's kind of a bit like
6:44training a muscle, where the more reps
6:46of cognitive work that you give your
6:48brain, the stronger, more efficient,
6:50higher performance you actually get from
6:51it. But then coming back to this comfort
6:53crisis, modern life has actually
6:54engineered most of that cognitive
6:56tension out. Maps navigate for us,
6:58search engines remember things for us,
7:00AI now even just thinks for us and tells
7:02us what we should do and think. And so,
7:04our brains can actually be very, very
7:06chill and do very little to survive. The
7:08ultimate result of this is that if we go
7:10with the flow and lean into what's
7:12comfortable, both our physical and
7:14mental faculties are downgrading at the
7:16same time. Not because we're broken, but
7:18because we're adaptable and we're
7:19learning to adapt to a world that we
7:21actually were never designed for. And
7:22so, this is the concept I think we need
7:24to talk about more, which is friction
7:25starvation. I think that the phenomenon
7:27of actually actively removing friction
7:29from our modern life deserves actually a
7:31name, because nothing in mainstream
7:32culture has actually given it one yet.
7:34So, this is just a name that I've come
7:36up with. And this is how I'd explain it.
7:37Because our brains and bodies no longer
7:38receive the effort signals that we
7:40evolved to expect, we paradoxically feel
7:42worse as we layer on more and more
7:45comforts. In his book, The Comfort
7:47Crisis, Michael Easter describes
7:48something quite similar. And here's
7:49something I've noticed over the last
7:51couple years on social media, and
7:52especially if you're in your late 20s or
7:54early 30s like I am, you might notice
7:55that when you open Instagram or social
7:57media, you notice loads of people doing
7:59Hyroxes, people doing London Marathons,
8:01people talking about their cold
8:02plungers, Dry January, 75 Hard, Ultra
8:05Weekends in the Lake District. And
8:06interestingly, several years ago, nobody
8:08really talked about any of this outside
8:10of specific niches. But now people
8:11really enjoy sharing about the versions
8:14of hard that they have voluntarily
8:16signed up for. And I think some of this
8:17isn't just to do with fitness, it's also
8:19to do with us wanting to find something
8:21to really challenge ourselves again.
8:23It's this yearning that people are
8:24feeling to almost counteract this
8:26comfort crisis that we find ourselves
8:28in. By pushing ourselves to do something
8:29hard, we actually feel great. Our body
8:32releases endorphins and feel-good
8:33neurochemicals in response to a hard
8:35stressor that we expose ourselves to.
8:37And so once we understand friction's
8:38salvation and the science behind it, we
8:40can start to address it and fix it. But
8:42this only works if we're trying to fix
8:44it at the level that the problem is
8:45actually operating at. And this is
8:46something I actually learned the hard
8:47way this year, and it's that just
8:48changing behavior doesn't really reach
8:50the root. The level we need to work on
8:52is actually identity. Because when we
8:54don't choose to do hard things and we
8:55choose to take the easy way, it isn't
8:57because we're lazy or lack willpower and
8:59should judge ourselves negatively for
9:01this. Because the honest truth is that
9:02your body is just doing exactly what
9:04evolution designed it to do, which is to
9:06be energy efficient. For nearly all of
9:08human history, food was scarce and
9:10effort was costly. So, the brains and
9:12bodies that survived were those that
9:14took the easiest path, which was most
9:16efficient. And so what we sometimes call
9:17laziness and view in a negative light is
9:19actually one of the most ancient and
9:21well-developed survival instincts that
9:23we actually have. The problem is we've
9:25now engineered the world to be so
9:26frictionless and so easy that the same
9:28energy-saving instinct is starting to
9:30work against us. And we often try to
9:31push through this energy efficiency with
9:33sheer willpower. But honestly, this
9:35usually breaks down quite easily and is
9:37the reason why 80% of New Year's
9:39resolutions actually die off by
9:40February. And the gym is kind of half
9:42empty by March. So, this isn't a
9:44personal feeling, it's actually a
9:45strategy problem. Here's an example. We
9:47can try to change our lives on, let's
9:49say, three different levels. We can try
9:50to change the outcomes. So, we tell
9:52ourselves, "I want to lose 10 lb." We
9:54can try to change our processes. For
9:55example, "I'm going to run four times a
9:57week." Or, we can change our identity,
9:59which would go something like, "I am
10:00someone who runs regularly." It's so
10:02easy, and I used to do this as well, to
10:04start at either outcome or process-based
10:06change. But, that's why it doesn't
10:08really last, because the identity
10:09underneath it all never shifted. And
10:11what I found worked was to stop asking,
10:13"What should I do?" and instead ask,
10:15"Who am I becoming?" From this place,
10:17all of the other outcomes and behaviors
10:19flow naturally. And so, here's an
10:21identity shift to counteract friction
10:22starvation, which I really like. "I am
10:24someone built for friction and doing
10:26hard things." And here's one potential
10:27action point. Look at the next 12 hours
10:30of your day, and pick one moment where
10:32you can actually choose between things
10:34being easier or harder. For example, for
10:36me, every single day I'm faced with the
10:37choice between taking the stairs or
10:39taking the escalator. And in Michael
10:40Easter's book, The Comfort Crisis, he
10:41talks about only 2% of people would
10:44actually take the stairs rather than
10:46taking the easier option of the
10:47escalator. And once we have the identity
10:49of being someone who chooses and
10:50embraces challenge, the actual behaviors
10:52and practices stop feeling like things
10:54we need to discipline ourselves into.
10:55They start to feel like just natural
10:57expressions of who you actually are. And
10:59so, let's get into the four types of
11:01friction that are actually really
11:02worthwhile to add back into your life.
11:04Now, this is the part of the video where
11:05the theory stops and the exciting action
11:07points begin. Before we dive in, I want
11:09to reiterate that not all friction in
11:11life is equal. Some friction is worth
11:13keeping, like the kind that makes you
11:15sharper, more resilient, healthier. But,
11:16the other type it's just tax, honestly,
11:18like with email admin. Now, not many
11:20people know this, but when I'm not
11:21creating content, I'm in CEO mode
11:23running the company that my husband and
11:25I started called Sparkle Studios, which
11:26is the umbrella for our courses, like
11:28the Lifestyle Business Academy, our
11:29personal brands, and also our software
11:31ventures. All of that funnels through
11:33one inbox for me, which has turned into
11:35a daily mountain of mostly menial admin.
11:37And climbing this mountain every morning
11:39really isn't where my time should be
11:40going, which is why I want to tell you
11:42about Superhuman, who are very kindly
11:43sponsoring this video. Their email tool,
11:45Superhuman Mail, is part of the
11:46Superhuman productivity suite, and the
11:48whole system's been built with long-term
11:50productivity in mind. Superhuman Mail's
11:52AI handles the mundane admin, so that I
11:54can stay focused on actual needle-moving
11:56work that needs my human judgment. There
11:58are two especially high- leverage
12:00features. The first is Ask AI. Half of
12:02the time that I open a thread, I'm not
12:04actually replying. Instead, I'm actually
12:06just hunting for the tiniest details
12:07that someone's already sent me before.
12:09With Ask AI, I just type a question, and
12:11the answer comes back in seconds. So,
12:13now I don't have to troll through super
12:15long email threads anymore. The second
12:16feature is Auto Drafts. Auto Drafts
12:18essentially helps me get unstuck on
12:20emails, which gives my brain the
12:21breathing room it needs to work through
12:23the hard stuff for my content and the
12:25business. So, this might be a sign to
12:26stop chasing the next quick AI hack for
12:28emails and start actually using a system
12:30that makes email feel less overwhelming.
12:32You can [clears throat] sign up and get
12:331 month free of Superhuman Mail with my
12:35link in the description down below. Now,
12:36let's get back into the video. We'll be
12:37strategically engineering positive
12:39friction into our lives in four key
12:41areas: physical, sensory, cognitive, and
12:43social. And the point isn't to do all of
12:44these at once and have it have to
12:45completely revamp everything you're
12:46doing. It's actually just to simply find
12:48one or two ideas from each of these
12:49categories that you can maybe experiment
12:51with over the next few weeks. The first
12:53category is physical friction. This
12:55means things like movement, exercise,
12:57effort, temperature, hunger, manual
12:59work. All of the demands that our bodies
13:01evolved to actually expect. And as we
13:03learned about in the theory section, the
13:04body gets stronger by being asked to
13:06handle small repeated doses of
13:08discomfort, aka hormesis. Here are some
13:10specific practices that you could
13:11experiment with. The first one is
13:13something that I've been doing myself,
13:14which is taking the stairs instead of
13:16taking the lift or the escalator. This
13:17is a simple choice that might be
13:19presented to you maybe on your commute
13:20or whenever you're going out somewhere,
13:22but every single time that you make this
13:23choice, it actually does compound.
13:25Another similar switch is to walk
13:27instead of taking a car or taxi for
13:28anything that's under a kilometer. Then
13:30in terms of temperature, we have one of
13:31my absolute favorites, which is sauna. I
13:33go almost every day. And actually
13:35regular sauna use has been shown in
13:37studies to actually boost your
13:38cardiovascular health and trigger the
13:40release of something called heat shock
13:41proteins in your body, which are
13:42actually really protective and have a
13:43lot of health benefits. On the other end
13:44of the spectrum is cold exposure. So
13:46maybe end your shower with 30 seconds of
13:48cold. This also includes ice baths or
13:50stepping outside in winter without a
13:51coat for a few minutes. Another option
13:53is fasting, also sometimes called time
13:54restricted feeding. During COVID
13:56lockdowns I actually got very much into
13:57intermittent fasting and I found it
13:59actually really boosted my energy and my
14:01mental clarity. And the next thing is to
14:03lift something heavy a few times a week.
14:04It doesn't actually have to be in a gym.
14:06I mean, you could do that if you want.
14:08It could also be body weight,
14:09kettlebells, household objects, even
14:11just carrying your groceries up the
14:12stairs rather than chucking them in the
14:13lift. The second category is about
14:15adding sensory friction. So this is all
14:17about adding in boredom, silence,
14:19slowness, spaciousness, which are these
14:21spacious sensory experiences that often
14:23modern life can root around with
14:25constant stimulation. This matters
14:27because our brain needs this
14:29unstimulated time to consolidate,
14:31integrate, and settle. And there's
14:32actually science behind this. The
14:34default mode network is a specific brain
14:36network that only switches on when
14:38you're not focused on a task. So it
14:39activates during things like
14:41daydreaming, mind wandering, walking
14:43without listening to a podcast or music,
14:45or just staring out of the window. And
14:46you might notice that during these
14:47activities you find your mind just
14:49naturally wandering. This is exactly
14:50what the default mode network does. And
14:52the benefit of allowing it to run is it
14:54actually consolidates memories,
14:56processes emotions, and generates
14:57creative insight by connecting different
14:59parts of your life and thoughts that are
15:01going on. And so when you're doing
15:03nothing, your brain isn't actually doing
15:05nothing. It's doing some of its most
15:07important work. And the problem that the
15:08modern world presents is that there is
15:10constant input. There is scrolling,
15:12social media, podcasts, music,
15:14notifications, back-to-back content.
15:15This means that our default mode network
15:17barely gets the chance to switch on and
15:19run because we're stuck in passive
15:21consumption mode all day. So, here are
15:23some specific practices to give your
15:25default mode network the space it needs
15:27to really breathe. The first one is to
15:28simply sit still for 5 minutes without
15:30your phone. You could call this a
15:32meditation. It's deliberately
15:33under-stimulating. And just notice the
15:35urge to reach for your phone, but then
15:37just come back to the present moment and
15:38let your mind do what it needs to do.
15:40Another idea is to eat at least one of
15:41your meals per day without a screen. So,
15:43just the food, the chewing, the
15:45mindfulness of the conversation if
15:46you're with somebody. Another practice
15:48is to drive or walk without any podcasts
15:51or audiobooks or music or anything going
15:53on. Just let your mind wander in silence
15:56because this is where original thinking
15:57actually happens. Another practice is if
15:59you have a little bit of dead time in
16:01your day such as maybe going up in a
16:02lift or waiting in a queue or even going
16:05to the toilet, try to not take your
16:06phone or not pull out your phone. Just
16:08stay present with whatever experience
16:10you're having. Here's another one that's
16:11made a big difference to me, which is
16:12not reaching for your phone for at least
16:14the first 20 to 30 minutes of the day.
16:16After you've just woken up, your brain
16:18is in what's called theta state and your
16:19nervous system is slowly coming online.
16:22And so, if you immediately flood your
16:24brain with all of this hyper-stimulating
16:26content on your phone, that's like a
16:27very abrupt start to your day. And
16:29actually, when you're in between sleep
16:31and wake, your brain is very open to
16:32suggestion and taking on new ideas and
16:35inspiration. As you want to protect that
16:36time for actually you starting up your
16:39day in an intentional and balanced way.
16:42And finally, maybe try one screen-free
16:44evening a week. So, no TV, no phone, no
16:46second screen. Instead, try activities
16:48like reading, talking, cooking, going to
16:51bed early, giving yourself that spacious
16:53mindful time. The third category is
16:55cognitive friction. And this is about
16:56deliberately challenging your brain. And
16:58this matters because neuroplasticity
17:00works in both directions. You either use
17:02your brain or you kind of lose it. And
17:04especially with AI coming onto the
17:05scene, it's getting easier and easier to
17:07remove cognitive friction from our
17:09lives. And so, here are some specific
17:10practices with AI-related ones first
17:13because this is the current new battle.
17:15The first practice is to write and do
17:17your own thinking first and only then
17:20refine with AI. One way that I like to
17:22do this is with an app that actually we
17:23built out called Voice Pal, which you
17:25install on your phone in the App Store
17:26and you hit record and just start
17:28speaking out any thoughts you're having
17:29to get to a first draft. And only then
17:32can you bring an AI to either ask
17:33follow-up questions or sharpen and edit
17:36what you've written. The next practice
17:37is to actually read the source, not just
17:39the AI summary. Because I found that
17:40summaries are okay for orientation, but
17:42for decisions and creation, the raw
17:45original material is actually so much
17:47more powerful. You can even try this out
17:48for yourself. If you ask AI to summarize
17:50a book that you recently read, you'll
17:51just notice that the AI summary, yes, it
17:53hits all the main points, but the way
17:55that the author wrote it in the original
17:57context actually hits different. The
17:58next practice is before you ask AI a
18:00question, maybe have a think or write
18:02down what you think the answer is or
18:04what you think the AI would say. And
18:05only then actually compare the two. This
18:07simple act of actively trying engages
18:10your brain and works those synapses. The
18:12next one is something that I've
18:13personally been battling with, which is
18:15doing mental math in my own head instead
18:17of immediately using a phone calculator.
18:18I've realized that at school I was
18:21amazing at mental math. I was so quick.
18:22I was just like that that that. But now,
18:24simple addition, multiplication is
18:26starting to slow down and I actually
18:28notice it. And so then just doing the
18:30maths in your head first before
18:31double-checking it with the calculator
18:33if you're really not sure about your own
18:35abilities. Another practice is to plan a
18:37route in your head before you actually
18:39open Google Maps to map it out. This is
18:41particularly relevant if you're actually
18:43already familiar with the place. So
18:44visualize the route that you're taking
18:46and then check on maps if you want.
18:48Another one for things that you actually
18:49want to really retain or engage with
18:51emotionally is to actually handwrite
18:53things. Studies have found that by
18:54handwriting notes, you actually engage
18:56with them much more deeply and it
18:58activates a lot more of the brain. And
18:59the final thing is something that's
19:01becoming rarer and rarer, which is
19:03training the muscle of sustained
19:04attention by staying with one cognitive
19:07task for at least 30 minutes. No task
19:09switching, no multitasking, one single
19:12tab, one single track of focus. And as a
19:14more general principle, here are some
19:15questions I like to ask to see if I'm
19:17really critically engaging with AI. The
19:19first one is, what's the actual
19:21question? The second one is, what is the
19:22goal of the output? And thirdly is, what
19:24would I say if I had to do this from
19:26scratch without AI helping? And the
19:28fourth category is social friction. And
19:30this means choosing the harder, more
19:32intense version of any human
19:34interaction. There's a phrase that I
19:35heard online somewhere that I keep
19:37coming back to, which is that everyone
19:38wants a village, but no one wants to be
19:40a villager. And when I heard this, I
19:42felt maybe a little bit called out. But
19:43the reality is, you don't passively
19:45inherit community as an adult. You have
19:47to actively build it. Instead of just
19:48going to school or uni and showing up to
19:51your community and passively inheriting
19:52that community, you have to choose to
19:54host people, make plans, sustain the
19:56group chat, be the chief of your own
19:58village. And this is something I
19:59realized recently that it's way harder
20:01to make friends as an adult than at
20:02school or uni because you don't have a
20:04default group of people that you're
20:05always hanging out with. And so then
20:06that means it just takes real effort and
20:08investment of energy. And the problem
20:10with always just defaulting to the
20:11comfortable option without putting in
20:13that much effort or energy is that then
20:15you end up kind of lonely and isolated.
20:17And so here are some things I've been
20:18trying to do instead. Firstly, it's to
20:20call instead of text. This is especially
20:22for anything that truly matters. Another
20:24thing is to just show up and say yes.
20:26And yes, this takes effort and yes, it
20:28sometimes doesn't always feel like it's
20:29something we can do. But as much as
20:31possible, encouraging ourselves to be
20:33that kind of person who shows up. The
20:34next one is to say the hard thing, the
20:36scary thing, the thing that makes you
20:38think, "Oh gosh, like this feels
20:40important and I want to say it, but I'm
20:42a little bit scared." Because I've
20:43noticed these days as connection becomes
20:45more and more online, I wonder if we've
20:47forgotten how to be bold and just say
20:49the thing that is kind of on our mind
20:51that and and that needs to be said. The
20:53next one is to initiate, become the
20:55chief of the village. And don't just
20:57say, "We should hang out." Actually send
20:58the invite, actually pick a date,
20:59actually execute on it and make it
21:01happen. And the final one is to choose
21:04to make at least one new real friend
21:06this year, like a deep real friendship.
21:08Because it's easier than ever to have
21:09multiple relatively lightweight
21:11friendships, but actually going deep
21:13with one person and really connecting
21:15with them is what we often lose in
21:17adulthood as we leave those areas of our
21:19life where we automatically hang out
21:20with people all the time. And at the end
21:22of the day, the framework in this video
21:23gives you the map, but the map isn't
21:25actually the journey or the work itself.
21:27The journey itself lies in the identity
21:29that you decide to take on, and all the
21:30small votes that you cast every single
21:32day for who you're becoming. So, just
21:33like at the end of every video, I'd like
21:35to invite you to choose two action
21:36points that you're taking away from this
21:37video, and that you're going to
21:38implement starting today. So, pick two
21:41and write them down somewhere in your
21:42journal, your notes app, the comments
21:43below, an email to a friend. And I've
21:45had some requests in the comments to
21:46suggest two great action points. And
21:48obviously, pick any that you want, but
21:49here are two. The first one is to cast
21:51one identity vote. Find one moment in
21:53the next 12 hours where you have to
21:54choose between easier and harder, and
21:56pre-commit to the harder one. And the
21:57second one is to run one micro
21:59experiment. Pick one of the four
22:01categories we walked through and try a
22:02single practice from it for the next 7
22:04days. The friction audit in the
22:06description will help if you're not sure
22:07where to start. If you like this video,
22:08I think you'll like this video over
22:09here, which is my video on digital
22:11anhedonia, which is the sister concept
22:13to friction salvation. And the two of
22:15them together give you a fuller picture
22:16of what modern life is doing to us and
22:18our brains, and what to do about it to
22:20live well in the modern era. As always,
22:22thank you so much for watching. Take
22:24care of yourself, and remember that the
22:25journey is the destination. Feel free to
22:27hit subscribe so you don't miss my
22:28future videos, and I'll see you in the
22:29next one. Bye.

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