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Detachment is the first step to healing ( & book recommendations) — Transcript

by Andriana Nik · 3,964 words · 581 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00One of the biggest misconceptions I used
0:02to have about healing was that I believe
0:04that healing begins when that pain
0:08finally goes away. When I will finally
0:10stop missing them, when I will stop
0:12thinking about them, when I will stop
0:14caring. But I soon found out that
0:16healing doesn't start there. I found
0:18that healing actually begins much
0:20earlier than that. And actually healing
0:23really begins the moment that you
0:24detach. And I know that to a lot of
0:26people the word detachment sounds cold.
0:29It sounds distant or unloving. But that
0:32is not what detachment really is.
0:34Detachment is actually the foundation of
0:37a healthy, secure relationship with
0:39yourself and others. Because detachment
0:42is the opposite of attachment. And
0:44attachment is what makes relationships
0:47unhealthy and insecure. So detachment
0:50isn't pretending that you do not care.
0:52It isn't becoming emotionally
0:55unavailable and it isn't also about
0:58convincing yourself that you don't want
1:00love. Detachment is simply deciding that
1:03your happiness, your identity and your
1:06worth, they no longer depend on
1:09something outside of you. It's something
1:11that is uh dependent and decided by you
1:15internally. And I genuinely believe that
1:17detachment is the first step in healing
1:20almost everything. Whether that's a
1:22breakup, whether that's heartbreak,
1:24anxious attachment, a situationship,
1:26crush that you have placed on the
1:28pedestal, or even the idea of being in a
1:31relationship itself. Because really at
1:33the root of suffering is usually
1:35attachment. Whether that is attachment
1:37to the outcome, whether that is
1:38attachment to a specific person,
1:40attachment to a timeline, attachment to
1:43an idea, or whether that's attachment to
1:45who we thought we will become once we
1:47finally got the thing that we wanted.
1:50And the more attached we become, the
1:52more power we unconsciously give away.
1:54Hi guys, I'm Andrea. Welcome back to my
1:56channel. So today we're talking about
1:59how detachment is the first step to
2:02healing. Like many other people, I spent
2:04many years thinking that attachment
2:07equal love, that attachment meant love.
2:10That if I was constantly thinking about
2:12someone, missing them, or worrying about
2:14losing them, it meant that they were
2:17important. But looking back, I realized
2:19that most of the time I wasn't
2:22experiencing love. I was experiencing
2:24dependence. Uh because when your
2:28emotional state rises and falls based on
2:31whether someone texts you, whether
2:33someone chooses you, whether someone
2:35commits to you or stays, you have
2:38unknowingly made them responsible for
2:40your happiness. And that's a lot of
2:42pressure to put on another human being.
2:45So one of my favorite quotes about this,
2:48he says that attachment is saying that I
2:51love you, therefore I can't live without
2:53you. But detachment is saying, "I love
2:55you, but I know I will be okay without
2:58you." And I think that's the key
3:00difference between anxious love and
3:02secure love. Secure people are still
3:05able to love as deeply as anxiously
3:07attached people or insecurely attached
3:09people, but they know to not abandon
3:13themselves in the process. I genuinely
3:15think that one of the biggest signs that
3:18you have put something on the pedestal
3:20is that you place it above yourself.
3:24Whether you place your partner above
3:27yourself, whether you place your crush
3:29above yourself, whether you place your
3:31ex, whether you place being in a
3:33relationship above yourself. And so
3:35without realizing it, you have moved
3:38yourself to the bottom of your own life
3:41because all of these things have been
3:44put on a higher level than you. So you
3:47subconsciously see yourself as something
3:50lower. If you look closely at how
3:51attachment speak, it sounds something
3:53like that. It says like, well, their
3:55opinion matters more than mine. Their
3:58needs matter more than mine. Their
3:59presence is what is going to determine
4:02my happiness and my safety. And their
4:05validation is going to determine my
4:07worth. Their choice is going to
4:09determine whether I feel I am deserving
4:12and whether I feel lovable. And when
4:14that happens, healing becomes almost
4:17impossible. And that is because you have
4:19unconsciously made yourself dependent on
4:22something external, something outside of
4:25you. Detachment changes that. Detachment
4:28says that I still desire this, but I no
4:31longer depend on it. And that is what is
4:34able to change everything. For me, one
4:37of the biggest mindset shifts that
4:39changed my life was realizing that
4:42detachment is not about loving someone
4:44less, but it's more about putting
4:46yourself back into the center of your
4:48own life. So, when I became secure, I
4:50was able to finally see things the way
4:52that secure people understand. And
4:54secure people don't put themselves
4:57beneath their relationships. They don't
4:59place their worth in someone else's
5:02hunts. They don't make one person
5:05responsible for creating like a
5:07meaningful life for them. They are able
5:10to remain on top. They are able to stay
5:13grounded and from that place they're
5:15able to love more freely without any
5:18attachments, without any expectations.
5:20And that's because there's no pressure.
5:22There's no desperation. There's not
5:24trying to hold on. It's just two whole
5:27and complete people who are choosing to
5:30share a life together. And I honestly
5:32think that this is why detachment feels
5:35so uncomfortable for people at first.
5:38And it's because detachment requires us
5:42to let go of that illusion of control.
5:45That idea that when we control things,
5:48things are safer. You know, it's so hard
5:50to accept that we cannot control who
5:53chooses us, who leaves us, when love
5:56will arrive in our lives, how long some
5:58people will stay, and what will happen
6:00next. And I know that is very
6:02terrifying. I know that is very scary
6:04because our attachment whispers to us
6:06and it's trying to convince us that well
6:09if I think about it enough, if I worry
6:11about it enough, if I overanalyze it
6:13enough or hold on tightly enough, maybe
6:16I can control the outcome and maybe I
6:19can keep me safe. But life doesn't work
6:22that way. And neither does love. It
6:25really helped me to understand that my
6:27anxious attachment was speaking out of
6:30fear and out of doubt because it wanted
6:33to protect me from the feeling of
6:35abandonment that left me in survival in
6:39the past. And I think one of the most
6:41powerful questions that you can ask
6:43yourself when you're suffering uh with
6:46this is that well what am I attached to?
6:48And instead of asking why is this
6:50happening to me and catastrophizing,
6:52focus on more like what am I unwilling
6:55to let go of? What I'm still trying to
6:57control? Because usually the answer
6:59isn't the person. It's what they
7:01represent. We're usually attached to the
7:04feeling that we think that person will
7:06give us. Whether that would make us feel
7:08chosen, feel significant, feel lovable,
7:11feel secure. We're also attached to the
7:14future that we imagine with them. We are
7:16attached to the identity that we would
7:18have had and the life that we thought we
7:21were going to leave if they become that.
7:23And that is why heartbreak hurts so
7:26much. It's not just that we're grieving
7:29these people that we lose from our
7:30lives, but we're also grieving the
7:32possibilities. We are grieving the
7:34possibility of a reality that we so much
7:37desired and hoped to finally get to
7:40experience. Ironically, detachment is
7:43often the very thing that allows us to
7:45receive what we want. And that is
7:48because when you stop needing something,
7:50you stop chasing it. And when you stop
7:52chasing it, you stop forcing it. And
7:55then when you stop forcing it, you
7:57finally create space for it. I mean,
7:59think about it. How many people meet
8:02their partner after they have finally
8:05stopped obsessing over finding the one?
8:07How many people attract healthier
8:09relationships after they have learned
8:11how to be happy on their own? How many
8:13people reconnect with themselves after a
8:16breakup and they realized how they have
8:19slowly abandoned themselves in that
8:21relationship? Detachment is not giving
8:24up. It's really about like letting go
8:26and trusting and saying that I trust
8:29that what is meant for me will not
8:32require me to betray myself. And I think
8:35that is one of the most secure beliefs
8:37that a person can have. Having that
8:40belief that like gave me more faith and
8:42trust. It allowed me to relax and to not
8:46try to hold on control all the time and
8:49think that it was in my power all the
8:51time. That is again an illusion. So
8:53these are the mindset shifts that
8:55completely changed the way that I
8:58understood healing and the way that I
9:00allowed detachment to get me there as
9:03the first step. For each point, I'm
9:05going to also give you a book
9:07recommendation that really solidified
9:10that belief for me and help me
9:12understand it on not only on a conscious
9:15level, but on a deeper subconscious
9:17level to really like uh change the way
9:20I've seen that belief and create a new
9:22experience for me. So, the first one was
9:24learning to stop putting people on
9:26pedestals. The thing is that the moment
9:29you place someone above yourself, you
9:31automatically place yourself beneath
9:34them. So what I did here was to ask
9:37myself these questions. Well, I was
9:39asking, have I made this person my
9:41source of happiness? Have I made their
9:44validation mean something about my own
9:47worth? Have I forgotten who I was before
9:50I met them? By asking this question, it
9:52allowed me to slowly click and realize
9:55that well, no one really belongs on a
9:59pedestal. No ex, not any crush, not even
10:03my future partner, and certainly not the
10:06idea of being in a relationship. So, if
10:08you spend your life placing other people
10:11above yourself, I cannot recommend
10:14enough the book called The Women Who Run
10:16with the Wolves. Honestly, it's one of
10:18those books that reminds women who they
10:21were before the world taught them how to
10:24abandon themselves for love, how they to
10:26abandon themselves for others. And
10:29reading it really felt like I it
10:31reminded parts of myself that I had
10:33forgotten. And this is obviously a book
10:35that goes deeper than that. And I really
10:38think that is mandatory reading for any
10:41woman. So if you're interesting, I think
10:43the core takeaways that I took from it
10:45is that it's firstly embracing our
10:48cycles. Just like wolves and nature, we
10:52women have natural cycles of high
10:54energy, creativity, and then resting and
10:57retreating into solitude. Another
11:00takeaway is listening to our intuition.
11:02So that is about paying attention to the
11:05body's internal warning signals and our
11:08prompts that we get rather than
11:10overriding them for the sake of social
11:12approval for the sake of approval from
11:15men. It was speaking about reclaiming
11:18our voice. And here he was talking about
11:21uh learning how to howl which means like
11:24fully expressing our own truth,
11:28expressing our own boundaries and our
11:30anger without any shame, without any
11:32guilt. So this is a read that will
11:35really teach you to learn about our
11:38nature as women and how to honor us and
11:41put us on the pedestal rather than
11:43denying ourselves and trying to fit in
11:46the patriarchical box. The second
11:48mindset shift was realizing that
11:51attachment is usually a need in
11:54disguise. We are really rarely attached
11:56to the person, but what we are attached
11:59to is what we believe that that person
12:02can give us. Whether that's love,
12:04whether that's safety, whether that's
12:05validation, whether that's security or
12:08significance. And once I realized that I
12:11could finally begin learning how to
12:14provide those things to myself. So for
12:16this point, one book that completely
12:18changed the way that I view
12:19relationships is the book called The
12:22Eden Project by Jame Hollis. So this
12:24book exposed the idea that we are rarely
12:27attached to people themselves and that
12:29we are attached to what we believe they
12:31will give us. So, it was one of the
12:33first books that made me realize that my
12:37suffering had very little to do with
12:39other people and how they were not
12:41meeting me and it had everything to do
12:43with my own unmet needs that I was
12:47personally carrying and I was simply
12:49projecting onto them. This book really
12:51challenges like the cultural fantasy
12:54that a romantic partner will come and
12:56rescue us from our inner emptiness, our
12:58lack of meaning, and is going to heal
13:01all of our wounds and is going to love
13:03us so much that it's going to make us
13:04feel all right. And um so it breaks this
13:08illusion that it's going to provide for
13:10us a return to paradise, the Eden. And
13:13instead what it says that true maturity
13:16requires personal responsibility and
13:19individual psychological growth. So it's
13:22on our own hands to really take that
13:25personal responsibility to heal us to
13:29heal those parts of us. I think this is
13:31mandatory reading for any person that is
13:33struggling with this idea of uh waiting
13:36for someone else to come and deliver
13:39them from their suffering. This book
13:41really speaks about this illusion, this
13:43illusion of Eden where we unconsciously
13:46look for a magical other so we can
13:49recreate the total safety and the total
13:52care of our early childhood and then
13:55that leads to the danger of projection
13:58which is when we are placing our
14:01unfulfilled needs onto a partner. we are
14:04basically placing an unfair burden on
14:06them which is what usually ruins the
14:09relationship and it's also talking about
14:11how we're searching for rescue by us
14:14expecting another person to fix our
14:16fears and to fix our loneliness. Uh it
14:19really as a result stops us from growing
14:21up. What is growing up and maturing is
14:24taking responsibility and that involves
14:26taking responsibility for our own lives
14:29and taking care of ourselves. We're no
14:31longer having parents or someone else to
14:34take care of those needs for us. We need
14:36to become that parent for ourselves. And
14:39also speaks about that the path to
14:41healthy connection is firstly owning
14:44your past. So that means recognizing how
14:46your childhood fears and your old wounds
14:49and hurts shape what you demand from a
14:52partner. It then goes to focus on
14:54selfaw. So that meant speaks about doing
14:57the inner work to heal yourself rather
15:00than waiting for someone else to save
15:02you. And thirdly on confronting reality
15:05which is to accept that a partner is a
15:09separate human being and not a magical
15:11fix. It's not a magician is going to
15:13come into your life and move his wand
15:16magically. Every problem that you used
15:18to have disappears. Okay. The second
15:20mindset shift is putting yourself back
15:23at the center of your own life. I love
15:26the idea that detachment simply means
15:28putting yourself back on top. It means
15:31becoming your own source, becoming your
15:34own ecosystem. Your life should never
15:36look like this where first comes the
15:38partner, second your friends, then your
15:41family, and then you. Your list of
15:43priorities should look like this. first
15:45you and your relationship with yourself,
15:47second your relationship uh with the
15:49people that you love and then everything
15:51else. Because if you abandon yourself
15:54every time love comes into your life, if
15:57you immediately like shift your priority
15:59list every time someone comes into your
16:01life, you're going to spend your entire
16:04life trying to find yourself again
16:06because you yourself won't be happy
16:09because you like putting yourself last
16:11on your priority list might feel
16:13necessary in the moment or what makes
16:16you happy in the moment but in the long
16:18term will make you unhappy and it will
16:20make you feel resent. resentment. If you
16:23ever lost yourself in relationships, the
16:26book called Untamed by Guon Doyle is
16:30really like one of the books that remind
16:32you that our life belongs to us first.
16:35So this is a book about coming home to
16:38yourself and realizing that maybe well
16:40you've spent your entire life asking for
16:43permission to become who you already
16:45are. So this book is a very like
16:47powerful memoir and a very important
16:50wakeup call about breaking free from
16:52societal expectations and it really
16:55focuses on self-discovery and listening
16:57to your inner voice and rejecting the
17:00pressure to please everyone. So, I feel
17:03if you're someone that is used to
17:04putting someone else's opinions, someone
17:07else's desires, and someone else's wants
17:09and needs first in your priority list,
17:12this will really like help you shift
17:15that and learn how that waiting for that
17:18permission from others. And no one will
17:20come and tell you by giving you that
17:22permission, well, now you're allowed to
17:23put yourself first. You need to be the
17:25one that says that to you. The fourth
17:28mindset shift for this is that you have
17:30to stop confusing attachment with love.
17:33The way to differentiate that is that
17:35attachment says that I need you while
17:37love is saying that I choose you.
17:39Attachment is saying that without you
17:41I'm incomplete when love is saying that
17:44I was whole before you and I will remain
17:47whole beside you. Attachment is saying
17:50please don't leave me. Please don't
17:51abandon me. And love says, "I hope you
17:54stay, but I know I will be okay if you
17:57don't." And I think that is what secure
17:59love sounds like. For this point,
18:01there's a passage from a book that
18:04really like hits the nail with this. And
18:06this is a passage from The Prophet by
18:09Cahil Gibbran. It's so simple, but so on
18:13point. In this passage, he writes that
18:15let there be space in your togetherness.
18:18And I think that is exactly what secure
18:20love is. when two people are standing
18:23side by side and not one person
18:25disappearing into another. And what this
18:28passage is trying to say is that
18:31partners should keep their own identity,
18:33should keep their own freedom instead of
18:36depending on each other for everything.
18:39The next mindset shift was accepting
18:42that you cannot control outcomes.
18:44Healing begins when you stop negotiating
18:47with your reality. And this is a really
18:49huge one in helping you detach. It's
18:52when you understand that you cannot
18:54force someone to choose you. You cannot
18:56force the right timing. You cannot force
18:59love and you cannot force people to
19:01become who you need them to be. It's
19:03understanding that the only thing that
19:05you can control is yourself and
19:08therefore who you choose to become.
19:10Choosing your reactions, choosing your
19:12identity, your behavior, your thoughts
19:14and that's where actually your power has
19:17always been. But you have not seen, you
19:20have not understood. You thought that it
19:22was in your power to control, to force,
19:25to make someone change and to make
19:27someone love you by loving them more and
19:31hoping that one day they will see that
19:33well they love me so much. They show up
19:35for me this much. I I will do the same
19:38now. I will meet them back. If
19:40uncertainty is something that terrifies
19:42you, I will really recommend uh the book
19:44called When Things Fall Apart. It's one
19:46of the most comforting books I've ever
19:48read because it really teaches you that
19:51life isn't asking us to control
19:54everything. And what life actually asks
19:56us is to trust ourselves enough to
19:58navigate whatever happens. So this is a
20:01book by Pima Codron Pima H. And this is
20:05basically a guide on how to face pain,
20:08fear, uncertainty. And the core message
20:11is that true peace comes from stopping
20:14our escape, stopping running away from
20:18our suffering and accepting actually the
20:21everchanging uh nature of life. How life
20:24is constantly changing and constantly
20:27shifting and building more
20:29self-compassion for that. And finally,
20:32the last mindset shift on this is
20:35honestly that detachment isn't the
20:37absence of desire. And this is very
20:39important. When I became detached, it
20:42didn't mean that I stopped wanting love.
20:43It didn't mean that I stopped wanting a
20:44relationship or that I became so
20:48unavailable and so like careless and uh
20:52selfish and self uh involved just meant
20:55that my life no longer dependent on
20:57whether or not I had that relationship
20:59or whether I had that love. And it
21:01allowed me to be in a place where I
21:04could deeply desire a relationship while
21:07simultaneously knowing that my life is
21:10beautiful with or without it. And this
21:12is one of the most freeing and though
21:14more one of the most beautiful places
21:16that you can arrive at, especially as a
21:18woman like we are going to spend so much
21:21of our lives nurturing relationships,
21:24nurturing others. And I think having a
21:26moment in our lives where we can nurture
21:28ourselves and nurture beautiful life for
21:31ourselves without the responsibility of
21:34nurturing all other people at the same
21:36time. It's like so important and so key.
21:39And I think there's nothing I would
21:42recommend more than that. And I think
21:44the book that captures this detachment
21:47better than uh anything else I've read
21:50before is a book called The Wisdom of
21:52Insecurity by Alan Watts. And this book
21:55really taught me that so much of our
21:58suffering, it comes from trying to hold
22:01on to things that were never meant to be
22:03possessed in the first place. It really
22:06like reminded me that we can still
22:08deeply desire something while
22:11simultaneously being at peace without
22:13it, being content without it, feel
22:16complete and whole without having it.
22:19And it really explains that our constant
22:22search for safety and for certainty, it
22:25really is what causes such deep anxiety
22:28and such deep an insecurity in our lives
22:31because life always changes. Us trying
22:34to hold on to things. Trying to hold on
22:37to control will always fail. And so that
22:41true peace is only going to come from
22:43accepting this truth and living in the
22:46present. uh living in the in the peace
22:49of mind that well maybe I don't have
22:52what I want. I still desire it and I'm
22:56okay with or without it. Ironically, I
22:58think that detachment is what allows us
23:01to love more deeply. Because when you're
23:03no longer trying to possess to trying to
23:06control or to hold onto someone, you can
23:09finally appreciate them for who they
23:11truly are and how they truly choose to
23:14stay there and not for who you need them
23:16to be. You get to love them more
23:19genuinely because you love the person
23:22genuinely and how they really show up
23:25and behave and you don't just focus on
23:28what you need them to be and how they
23:30fulfill you. So the goal isn't to become
23:32someone who doesn't care, but the goal
23:35is to become someone who understand that
23:37their happiness, that their worth, that
23:40their identity were never supposed to
23:42leave in someone else's hands were never
23:45meant to be delegated to another person
23:47somewhere outside of them. And when I
23:49finally realize that my healing won't
23:51begin when I finally stop thinking about
23:53them, but it will begin the moment that
23:56I put myself back at the center of my
23:58own life. That's when this truth really
24:01set me free. And I finally knew what I
24:04had to do. What I had to do was to
24:06detach. And I genuinely believe that
24:08detachment is the first step. And I know
24:11that this is exactly what allowed me to
24:13not only heal my anxious attachment and
24:16become secure in my relationships, but
24:19to become secure in life because the
24:22value and importance of detachment is
24:25that big. So that's it for today guys.
24:27It's uh getting dark. So I will speak to
24:30you on the next one. Bye.

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