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Communication In Relationships: 7 Keys To Effective Communication — Transcript

by Stephan Speaks · 3,286 words · 559 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00You can say to someone
0:01okay, I understand that, that's how you feel
0:04and that's how you saw things,
0:06but the way that I saw it
0:08was so on and so forth.
0:10So, you are acknowledging their perception,
0:13you're acknowledging that, that's how they feel
0:16while still giving your side of things.
0:19(Music)
0:27Hey what's up everybody, this is Stephan Labossiere
0:30aka Stephan Speaks
0:32back with another dating
0:34and life and relationship advice video.
0:36Today we're going to be talking about
0:38communication skills, all right.
0:39And more specifically,
0:41communication in a relationship.
0:43I'm going to give you 7 keys
0:45to make it better,
0:46to improve it.
0:47Now, before we get started
0:49as always be sure to like this video,
0:52share this video,
0:53subscribe to my channel, all right.
0:55And below leave me
0:58in the comments something that you feel
1:00would help people improve their communication.
1:03What is one of the complains
1:05that you have about bad communication
1:08or something that you see.
1:09Just give me your feedback
1:10and let's talk about it.
1:11So, the reality is this,
1:13communication is key.
1:15I'm sure you've heard that tons of times
1:17and you've heard it because it's true.
1:19And without proper and effective communication,
1:22it is extremely difficult
1:23to have not only a healthy relationship,
1:26but to experience a successful one.
1:28We've got to learn how to talk to each other
1:30and how to actively or properly listen
1:33and without that again,
1:35we will not see positive results.
1:38And I've seen tons of relationships
1:40through my coaching sessions
1:43and just speaking to individuals,
1:45I've seen tons of relationships that have failed
1:47because of communication issues
1:49not because two people
1:51could not have worked it out
1:52had they simply talked about it
1:54and express themselves properly,
1:57but since they skipped that step
1:59they weren't able to find their resolution.
2:01So, I want to help you
2:03to improve your communication
2:05in a relationship.
2:06So, let's get to it, 7 keys.
2:08So, key number one,
2:10listen to understand
2:13not to give a rebuttal.
2:15One of the biggest problems
2:17when people try to talk to each other
2:19is that the person listening
2:22is simply waiting for their chance
2:24to counter your argument.
2:26Is waiting for their chance to hit you back
2:29is waiting for their chance to defend themselves
2:31or dismiss what you're saying
2:33and that is not going to produce
2:35healthy communication.
2:37When someone is speaking,
2:39the goal should be
2:41to try to understand them.
2:43And if you do not understand
2:45you don't go to attacking them
2:47you don't go to dismissing them.
2:49You go to asking for more clarity,
2:52you go to asking more questions
2:54to try to dig deeper
2:56so that you can have a clearer understanding
2:59of how they're feeling
3:00and what they are trying to communicate.
3:03So, when you are active
3:05in trying to
3:07understand and decipher what they're expressing,
3:10then you can now continue that conversation
3:13in a way that brings resolution, all right.
3:16There will always be time for
3:19a counter argument if it needs to be made,
3:21but that cannot be your focus,
3:24that cannot be how you're going into that conversation.
3:27So, listen to understand
3:30not to give a rebuttal.
3:33The second key to improving communication in a relationship,
3:36you can disagree but do not dismiss.
3:41So, one of the things I've seen with a lot of couples
3:43or even it can be family members,
3:46friends, whatever,
3:47is that the minute you hear something that you don't like
3:49or the minute that person hears something that they don't like
3:52they go to dismissing that individual.
3:54Now, understand that
3:56no one likes to be dismissed.
3:58No one likes to have their feelings
4:00and, and, and, and uhh,
4:02what they're trying to say in that moment
4:04to simply be dismissed and thrown to the side, all right.
4:08That feels very disrespectful.
4:10And when someone feels disrespected,
4:12they're going to get defensive
4:13they're going to attack.
4:15Now, they're going into battle mode with you
4:18rather than now trying to hear you out,
4:21but that's because the stage was set
4:23through the dismissing
4:24of how they felt and what they were saying.
4:27So, again,
4:28you may not agree with everything
4:30the individual is saying to you
4:32but you don't have to dismiss it.
4:35You can say to someone
4:36okay, I understand that, that's how you feel
4:39and that's how you saw things,
4:41but the way that I saw it was
4:44so on and so forth.
4:45So, you are acknowledging their perception,
4:49you're acknowledging that, that's how they feel
4:51while still giving your side of things.
4:54This at least shows
4:55you're not dismissing them, all right.
4:58But again, as I said in number one
5:00even when you disagree
5:02try to keep an open mind
5:05that allows you to
5:06gain a better understanding
5:08of why they feel that way.
5:10When you do
5:11and when someone feels like
5:13you're at least making an effort to get them,
5:16that's going to open up the lines of communication
5:19and allow things to be...
5:21Create a better more positive environment
5:24and it also allows them
5:26to stay in line as far as
5:27listening and trying to understand you as well.
5:30We've got to give
5:32what we want to receive back, all right.
5:34So, do not dismiss
5:36but you are allowed to disagree.
5:38And always disagree respectfully
5:40and always try to acknowledge their feelings.
5:43Acknowledging does not mean
5:45agreeing with it,
5:46acknowledging does not mean
5:47that you're saying they're right.
5:48Acknowledging simply says,
5:50okay, I get that's how you feel,
5:51I get that's what you're saying,
5:53I hear you,
5:54but now let me present what I'm seeing
5:57or how I'm understanding things, all right.
6:00And that will lead to a better conversation.
6:02Number three key
6:04to improving communication in your relationship
6:06is to be open and honest.
6:09Listen man,
6:10all it takes is one lie.
6:12And I said man but I mean people, all right.
6:13Man or woman
6:15all it takes is one lie
6:17to ruin a relationship.
6:19All it takes is
6:20a lack of transparency
6:22to create confusion and chaos
6:25in any relationship.
6:27You want to try to be
6:28as open and honest as possible.
6:31And here's the thing,
6:32nobody is a great liar
6:34to where people don't start to pick up
6:37on the BS, all right.
6:39They don't start to pick up on the fact that
6:41you're holding something back
6:42typically people do start to sense
6:45something's missing here.
6:47And that makes them question you more,
6:50that creates anxiety,
6:52that creates insecurity,
6:54that creates a toxic environment in the relationship.
6:57So, if you want to have a healthier conversation,
7:01a healthier relationship,
7:03improve your relationship,
7:04then you have to be willing to be
7:06honest and transparent.
7:07And yes,
7:09sometimes that honesty
7:10may hurt their feelings,
7:12but here's a thing that I've learned,
7:14even in hurting their feelings
7:16it's much better
7:18for them to have to deal with
7:21the hurt of the truth
7:23than to dwell in the
7:25anger of the lie, all right.
7:27Because when it comes to lying to them
7:30now you create other problems later
7:32but in being honest with them
7:34even though it hurt them
7:35they know they can always come to you
7:37for an honest opinion
7:39or honest perspective
7:41or be you being real with them
7:43about what's going on with you.
7:44That creates a lot more peace
7:47in the relationship.
7:48They're going to have to get through that hurt, all right.
7:51But again, the chance for you
7:52to have a healthy relationship
7:54going forward is much higher
7:56because you kept it real.
7:58So, don't be afraid
8:00and again, there's always a way
8:01to deliver the honesty
8:02that helps soften the blow.
8:04But you much better
8:06or it's much better for you
8:07to be honest and transparent
8:09than is for you to hold back,
8:11be vague, or to flat out lie.
8:13That just creates problems in any situation
8:17and any relationship.
8:18Number four key
8:20that will improve your communication skills
8:22and communication in a relationship
8:24is don't make the conversation all about you.
8:28Listen, if you want people
8:31to be engaged
8:32to listen,
8:34to really try to understand you,
8:37then you have to include them in the relationship.
8:40It can't just be all about you
8:42venting and getting things off your chest
8:44just giving your perspective.
8:45Now, don't get me wrong
8:46there's going to be times where we need to vent, all right.
8:49But think about it like this,
8:51when you've have people vent to you
8:53and all they're doing is just running their mouth
8:55and going on and on and on.
8:56It's very possible
8:57that at some point you tune out,
8:59you check out
9:00because they're not engaging you
9:02in the relationship.
9:03They're not also
9:05considering how you feel.
9:06If it's a conversation about
9:08maybe what they want to see
9:10improve in the relationship
9:11or a problem they had with you previously.
9:15But when someone takes the moment
9:17to bring you in
9:19by whether it's asking your opinion
9:21or asking okay, well, how do you feel about things
9:24or let me hear your side,
9:25your perception of things.
9:27That is enough
9:29to now reel you in
9:31and keep you engaged.
9:32So, it's very important
9:34that you make the conversation
9:37not just about you, all right.
9:39And when you do that
9:40especially in a romantic relationship,
9:42you're going to see better conversation.
9:45So, one other quick example I want to give.
9:47If you say, we need to have a talk
9:50and then you have a talk about things you don't like
9:53that they're doing in the relationship.
9:56Which listen, you should express yourself
9:58and I would never want you to be afraid
10:00about letting it be known how you feel
10:02but what you should add
10:03or what would be effective for you to add is
10:06after you've expressed to them
10:07what you don't like
10:08saying hey, is there anything
10:11you don't like that I'm doing?
10:12Is there any concerns
10:14you want to express to me
10:15that I'm going to be open to hearing you out
10:18the same way I want you
10:19to be open to hearing me out.
10:21When you do that
10:22and you show it's not all about you, you, you, you.
10:25You will now have someone
10:26who's not only willing to listen
10:28and even be more expressive,
10:30but someone who's going to be more mindful
10:32of making the adjustments you mentioned, all right.
10:36And correcting the behavior
10:37because they see that you're truly about
10:39improving the relationship
10:41and not simply about getting
10:43what you feel is important to you
10:45and dismissing how they may feel
10:47about the situation of the relationship.
10:49So, don't make it all about you.
10:52Number five is
10:54be willing to compromise.
10:58There's nothing worse
11:00than feeling like you have to talk to someone
11:02who's so hard-headed,
11:04so stubborn,
11:05and only wants things their way.
11:09Plain and simple
11:10it will cause you to shut down
11:12or not even want to speak to that individual.
11:15Or again,
11:16you may be physically present,
11:19but mentally and emotionally you will check out
11:21because it's going to always be about them
11:24and only doing what they want you to do.
11:27So, if you know
11:28that it has that kind of effect on you,
11:31then you have to be mindful that
11:32it will have that kind of effect on them
11:34if you're the culprit.
11:35And so, you've got to show a willingness
11:37to compromise, all right,
11:39a willingness to try to find a middle ground.
11:42Now granted, some things aren't,
11:44there's no compromise for it
11:46and that's understandable,
11:47but wherever there can be a compromise
11:50that can create harmony
11:52then be willing to do that.
11:54Be willing to be flexible in that way,
11:56show that you're willing to find
11:59something that works for the both of you
12:01rather than just something that works for only you.
12:04When you do that
12:06again, you are going to now
12:07open up the lines of communication,
12:10you're going to engage that person more,
12:12and you're going to find more positive results
12:15after your conversations with that individual.
12:18The number six key
12:19to improving communication in relationship,
12:22pay attention to both their words
12:25and their body.
12:27So, what we're talking about here
12:29is of course body language, all right.
12:31And the reality is that
12:33we don't only express ourselves verbally, all right.
12:37Our mannerisms, our body language
12:39can give off messages very clearly.
12:42Sometimes, even better than our words are giving
12:44depending on how expressive that person is.
12:47And so, you want to not just be actively listening,
12:51but you want to be aware
12:53of their energy, their spirit so to speak.
12:55Their mannerism their body language
12:58because that's going to help you
13:00see deeper
13:01into what they're expressing to you at that moment.
13:03Now, again, if you're dealing with someone
13:05who is very clear
13:07and knows how to fully express themselves,
13:09then you may have some leeway in this department.
13:12But it's always going to be to your benefit
13:14especially in a romantic relationship
13:18to get in tune with your partner
13:20in a way that reads their body language
13:23very effectively, all right.
13:25Because a lot of times...
13:26And for example, you may have a guy
13:28and he's with his girl
13:30and he can see something is wrong
13:32and he'll say well, baby what's wrong with you?
13:34And she says nothing,
13:35but her body language is showing you
13:37something is wrong.
13:38Now, that doesn't mean
13:40force her
13:41to get you, to tell you what's wrong
13:44she may not be ready to talk about it.
13:46So, in that moment you can say to her
13:48because you now picked up on the body language
13:50that tells you something is wrong.
13:52You can say you know what,
13:53it does seem like something's wrong,
13:55but I understand if you don't want to talk about it right now.
13:57When you're ready let me know,
13:59I'm here for you.
14:00So, one, you're acknowledging what you're seeing.
14:03You're letting her know you're there.
14:04Now, she may insist nothing is wrong.
14:06But you at least put it out
14:07that if there's any time
14:09that comes that she is now ready
14:11or willing to talk about it, if that happens to be the case,
14:13you're there.
14:14But not, not just that,
14:16it also allows you
14:18to now be mindful of
14:20what you pour into her going forward.
14:23And again, this can go both ways.
14:24What I'm saying is, if you feel like
14:26her body language is telling you
14:28she's upset
14:29or she's uncomfortable
14:31and her words are telling you
14:32no, it's nothing I'm okay.
14:34Even if she's not going to talk about it
14:36and she's going to dismiss it.
14:38If you can tell something's wrong,
14:40then don't go acting a fool
14:42and pouring negativity into the situation.
14:45Like you know now maybe the best thing to do now
14:47is to create a more happy environment,
14:50maybe the best thing to do now
14:51is just to show her love
14:52and to counteract
14:54that negativity that you see
14:55she's holding on to, all right.
14:57And that is where you're going to win
14:59because you are in tune
15:01with her body,
15:02her body language, and again,
15:04this goes both ways.
15:06So, don't just look for the words,
15:08pay attention to your partner.
15:10And again, this works in any relationship
15:13kids, friends, whatever,
15:15but I have to say this is extremely important
15:18in a romantic relationship, in a marriage.
15:21You want to get in tune with your partner
15:24and pay attention to their words and their body.
15:27And then last on this list
15:29of improving communication in a relationship
15:32the seventh key is
15:34take a loving
15:36and positive approach when expressing yourself, all right.
15:40So, there's a couple angles to cover here.
15:42One,
15:43it's not what you say it's how you say it.
15:45Many times conversations go left
15:48because we have no filter
15:51or we're not being mindful
15:53of the delivery of our message, all right.
15:55And we have to understand that
15:57it wasn't what you said that caused the problem,
15:59it was how you said it.
16:01It was your attitude,
16:02it was that negative energy
16:04flowing out of your spirit
16:06attacking them and slapping them in the face.
16:08Even though you may have been speaking calmly,
16:10even though you may have been talking
16:12properly so to speak,
16:14but your energy, your spirit
16:16was in a negative place
16:18and people can feel that.
16:20So, you want to try to come in,
16:22into that conversation calm
16:25with a more loving approach, all right.
16:28And being mindful of how you speak to that person.
16:31Do not attack them with your words.
16:34Do not attack them with your spirit.
16:36You have to speak to them in a way
16:38that allows them to be receptive
16:40to what you have to say.
16:41But what also contributes to that
16:44is going into that conversation
16:46with a negative or toxic mindset
16:49and what I mean by that is
16:50sometimes, you come off the wrong way
16:54because you went into that conversation saying,
16:56they're not going to listen,
16:57saying to yourself, this is pointless.
17:00Saying to yourself,
17:02well, you're still holding on
17:03to what they did to you previously.
17:05So, you're carrying
17:07or projecting this negative outcome
17:09And so naturally,
17:10you're going to come off negative
17:12and now the conversation goes left immediately.
17:15You got to go into it
17:17believing you can have a positive conversation
17:20believing they're going to be willing to listen.
17:23Even if it turns out that, they don't, all right.
17:26You got to at least come into it
17:28with the right mindset.
17:29Now, if you're going to say to me,
17:31well, the reason why I think that
17:33is because every time I try to talk to them
17:35it's something negative
17:36or they never listen,
17:38then I have two things to ask you.
17:40One, why the hell are you with them?
17:42Number two,
17:43have you been coming with a loving
17:45and positive approach previously?
17:47Because if every other time
17:48they would come, they were
17:50not receptive to you
17:52it's because you came with a bad attitude.
17:53Well, then guess what, you need to try
17:55the positive attitude first
17:56before you write them off,
17:58but secondly,
17:59if you know
18:00you've been putting your best foot forward
18:01and you have been expressing
18:03yourself effectively,
18:04but they're just a person who's not willing to listen
18:06then again, why are you with them?
18:08If you cannot talk to your partner,
18:10how are you going to have a successful relationship?
18:12So, you got to evaluate those things,
18:15but regardless
18:17don't make excuses
18:18for coming into the conversation
18:20with a negative mindset
18:22or again,
18:23attacking them
18:24with the way that you speak to them.
18:26You got to speak in a very loving and calm manner
18:29and when you do,
18:30you're going to see better
18:32and more positive results.
18:34So, those are seven keys.
18:36Again, I want you in the comment section
18:38to list anything that you feel maybe was missing
18:41from this list, all right
18:42and give your opinion on this content.
18:45But again, always be sure
18:47to work on your communication skills.
18:50It's important that you
18:52cultivate an environment in your relationship
18:54where you guys can have healthy discussion,
18:57healthy disagreement, all right.
19:00And find ways to get on the same page
19:02and work together.
19:04When we learn how to effectively communicate,
19:06we will see healthier
19:08and more successful relationships.
19:10So, do not overlook this,
19:12do not dismiss this.
19:13You need to work on it
19:15and work on it together.
19:17So, I hope and pray this video was helpful to you.
19:20Again, be sure to subscribe to this channel,
19:22like this video, share this video,
19:24and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.

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