Commonly, cheaters who want to stay and repair try to fast forward through the healing process. — Transcript

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1. 0:00She found out that I had been cheating
2. 0:02on her. There was a part of our dynamic
3. 0:03that wasn't working.
4. 0:04>> All right, it sounds like he's going to
5. 0:05tell the story of the infidelity. So,
6. 0:07this is going one of three ways. Path
7. 0:08number one, blame shift. He's going to
8. 0:09tell a story that shares at least half
9. 0:11of the blame with her, maybe more. Path
10. 0:12number two, I'm going to call sprint to
11. 0:13the finish line. Going to tell a story
12. 0:14that sort of fast forwards the healing
13. 0:16process by him taking accountability,
14. 0:17but telling an entire story about his
15. 0:19trauma and psychology that doesn't
16. 0:20really acknowledge the full impact that
17. 0:22what he did had on her. Path number
18. 0:23three, I'm going to call shared
19. 0:24narrative. This is what happens when
20. 0:25couples have genuinely done a great deal
21. 0:27of healing already. countless
22. 0:28conversations, maybe prior couples
23. 0:30therapy, and they now can look back at
24. 0:31that entire experience and have a truly
25. 0:33shared story about what happened. In
26. 0:34these cases, either partner could tell
27. 0:36pretty much the same story. It's pretty
28. 0:37well integrated. Let's see which one it
29. 0:39is.
30. 0:39>> My mother abused me profoundly. I tried
31. 0:41to be the best son ever. I would just
32. 0:44shut down. I would disassociate and I go
33. 0:46into attack mode. My emotions are
34. 0:47inaccessible to me at that point.
35. 0:49>> Path number two, he's going to tell a
36. 0:50long story here. He's going to take the
37. 0:52podium, spend most of the time talking.
38. 0:53He's going to talk about his trauma from
39. 0:55his mother, how that's connected to his
40. 0:56very low tolerance for any sort of
41. 0:58criticism leading to him harboring deep
42. 0:59resentments, how the infidelity started
43. 1:01with platonic cuddling, progressing to
44. 1:02emotional intimacy and then sexual
45. 1:04infidelity. And when she finally gets a
46. 1:05turn to speak, she has to rewind back to
47. 1:07key elements of what the betrayal really
48. 1:08was that he sort of skipped over.
49. 1:10>> So easy for you to say now? Why wasn't
50. 1:12it easy for you when I gave you the
51. 1:14opportunity the very first time I found
52. 1:15out after seeing a text pop up randomly?
53. 1:18Who's that? Why is she somebody texting
54. 1:20him, I miss you. I miss you, too.
55. 1:22Saying, hey, who's this? What's this?
56. 1:23And you lying straight to my face and it
57. 1:25makes me furious.
58. 1:26>> And then out came the trickle truth
59. 1:28>> and that more kept coming up.
60. 1:29>> It's common that partners who betrayed
61. 1:30the other often want to fast forward
62. 1:32through the healing process. Get through
63. 1:33it as fast as possible. This is like
64. 1:34closing a wound before you've cleaned
65. 1:36it. Accountability starts with her
66. 1:37experience, not his life narrative.