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Come Sembrare 10 Volte Più Sicuro di Te (Senza Fingere) — Transcript

by Giuseppe Castagna · 2,990 words · 440 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00Most people think that looking
0:02confident is a matter of character, so
0:04either you have it or you don't. And
0:06I'll tell you right now, that's false.
0:08And it's the reason why motivational
0:10speeches or positive affirmations have
0:12never changed anything in your life.
0:15The confidence others see and perceive
0:17in a meeting, an interview, or when you
0:19speak in a group, isn't something you
0:22add by pretending, but something you
0:23can achieve with five concrete
0:25strategies that are all under your
0:27control. And the absurd thing is that
0:30four out of five don't work by learning
0:33something, but by stopping some things
0:35that, without you realizing it, make
0:37you seem much smaller and less secure
0:40than you really are. Because every time
0:42you shrink, deciding how the world sees
0:44you isn't you—it's your fear. Let's
0:47begin. So, has it ever happened to you
0:49that you leave a meeting, an interview,
0:51or a date, and while walking down the
0:53stairs, the perfect thing you should
0:55have said comes to mind? Whereas inside
0:57the room, or in that moment, you said
0:59half of what you were thinking. Softly,
1:01maybe with your eyes down, hoping that
1:03no one would ask you too many questions
1:06. Okay, if you recognize yourself in
1:07this, this is the right video for you,
1:09the video I wish I had seen a few years
1:10ago, and in this video, I'm promising
1:12you something that seems impossible,
1:13right? Appearing 10 times more
1:14confident, and above all, doing it
1:16quickly. And you're rightly thinking, "
1:18Wait Giuseppe, isn't self-confidence
1:20something that is built over years?"
1:23And the answer is yes and no, because
1:25this is the point no one ever explains
1:27to you, especially when they tell you
1:29how to behave, how to be more confident
1:31, because there are two different
1:33things we call by the same word. One is
1:36true confidence, self-assurance, your
1:38presence in situations, and that yes,
1:40is built over time. The other, however,
1:44is how you appear to others, how you
1:45move, how you speak, how you hold your
1:47position. And that, surprisingly, is
1:49instantaneous, and is already under
1:51your control starting right now. And,
1:53absurdly, the first kind of confidence,
1:55the real one built over time, is a
1:56product of the second. Because your
1:58brain then automatically learns that
2:00when you stop doing certain things or
2:02start doing others and thus appear more
2:04confident in front of others, that is a
2:06way to be confident; because your brain
2:08makes an association: appearing more
2:10confident, getting better feedback from
2:12others, getting the feedback you want
2:14from other people, means you are
2:16confident. And so, if you are confident
2:17on the outside, you become so on the
2:18inside as well. It is a form of
2:19practical application, mind you, of
2:21cognitive-behavioral therapy. In
2:23psychology, behavior changes the way
2:25one feels, the emotion, and what one
2:28experiences, in short. And the concept
2:30behind this whole video that we will
2:32see shortly and that will truly leave
2:34you speechless is that the confidence
2:36others see will not be reached by
2:38faking it, but by simply stopping the
2:40sabotage of it. It is subtle, but it
2:42changes everything. Ok? Let's start
2:44with the easiest thing of all, and it
2:46is in your words. And there is a habit
2:48that I had for a lot of years and I
2:49didn't even know I had it. I started to
2:51notice it when I began recording myself
2:53while I was speaking. And it is this:
2:55every time I had to say something
2:56important, something that created
2:57tension for me, I would wrap it inside
2:59something else. I would make a nice
3:01package around it; maybe I would start
3:04with, "Look, oh, maybe I'm saying
3:06something stupid," or "I'm not entirely
3:08sure, but perhaps I'm wrong, eh." And
3:10at that moment I thought I was a humble
3:12person because I had been taught that
3:14it is right to be humble. I thought I
3:16was someone who didn't show off. In
3:17reality, without realizing it, I was
3:19doing a very specific thing. I was
3:21instructing the whole room not to take
3:23seriously what I was about to say. And
3:25here comes the point that hurts to
3:27admit: "But if it has happened to you
3:28too, or it is happening to you, you
3:29have to do it now." That is, the idea
3:31itself is good, but as soon as you open
3:34with "maybe I'm saying something stupid
3:36," the brains of others automatically,
3:38involuntarily say, "Ok, it's probably
3:40nonsense." He is telling me so himself.
3:43The exact same proposal, the exact same
3:44sentence said by a colleague who didn't
3:46put that stuff in front of it carried
3:47twice the weight; it worked better. And
3:49this is not my paranoia. At a
3:52communicative level, this is called
3:54hedging language. All those "perhaps,""
3:58a bit,""I don't know,""maybe I'm just
4:00saying" serve only to attenuate an idea
4:03, to make us appear less aggressive
4:05toward others. But the problem is that
4:09research also says that with equal
4:11content, those who hedge their message
4:13are perceived literally as less
4:15competent and less confident, and let's
4:17add, less reliable than those who don't
4:19. And pay attention for a moment now,
4:22because most of the people I've given
4:23this talk to and whom I've helped
4:24communicate better over the years
4:26misunderstand this part. Not softening
4:28your language doesn't mean becoming
4:30someone who is always right, who never
4:32has a single doubt in life, okay? It
4:35means something simpler; it means you
4:37aren't obligated to voice every single
4:40doubt that crosses your mind. You can
4:42feel insecure on the inside and speak
4:44with clarity on the outside. There is
4:46nothing wrong with that. The two things
4:48coexist perfectly well. Keep your
4:49doubts, because you need them in life.
4:51You don't need to be totally certain
4:53about a damn thing. But don't hand them
4:55out to others like a business card, for
4:56heaven's sake, especially at work.
4:58Because ultimately, if you aren't the
5:00first person to take yourself seriously
5:01, how can others do it? And this brings
5:03us to the fastest tool you possess to
5:05appear more confident. And it's so fast
5:08that it acts even before your brain
5:10realizes it, because it isn't in your
5:11head, it's in your body. And now I’ll
5:14tell you something embarrassing from my
5:15life that happened a few years ago. I
5:17had to speak at a table with a group of
5:18people. In my head, I had imagined
5:20about 10 people and thought I knew
5:22eight out of 10, but I found myself in
5:24front of four times that many, and I
5:26didn't know them; I only knew two. And
5:29it was one of those moments where you
5:31feel your body betraying you: your
5:33hands are low, your voice goes up in
5:35pitch, then too low, and you have that
5:37drop of sweat on your back that you're
5:40sure everyone is seeing. And how the
5:43hell could they see it if it’s on
5:44your back? But you're sure of it anyway
5:45. In that moment, I felt truly terrible
5:47. At that moment, I thought I wasn't a
5:48confident person, and for a lot of
5:50years, I waited to feel confident
5:51before showing myself as confident.
5:53Then I understood something that
5:54changed everything on a physical level,
5:56which is that you can't command your
5:58emotions, and emotions are nothing more
6:00than our brain's interpretation of a
6:01physical sensation we have, okay? So
6:04you can't decide not to be anxious or
6:06not to be nervous, but you can control
6:07your actions. You can decide how to
6:10stand, you can decide how to walk, you
6:12can decide where to put your hands, and
6:14that is something you decide regardless
6:16of your current mood. So for me, the
6:18move that resolved those situations was
6:20moving my body before my mind was ready
6:22. Because if you put your body in the
6:24right position first, your mind follows
6:26. I assure you of that. It's the first
6:28time I did it on purpose, I swear, I
6:30felt like a bottom-tier actor. Chest
6:33out, shoulders down, relaxed, speaking
6:35calmly, while inside I was in total
6:37panic. I was sure the people in front
6:39of me could tell I was acting. And the
6:42crazy thing is that nobody noticed.
6:45Nobody, also because other people don't
6:47have access to what you feel inside,
6:49they only see what appears from the
6:51outside. So don't wait to feel
6:54confident to look like it. Before
6:57entering any situation, decide to be
6:59that way, decide to appear that way, to
7:01move like a confident person. This is
7:04the only thing you add to your behavior
7:05, but it's the simplest thing to do,
7:07the most immediate, and it gives you
7:08the greatest results overall. And
7:11remember, you aren't going on a stage,
7:13you're deciding how the world sees you.
7:16And so far, have you seen how concrete
7:18this stuff is? How these are things you
7:20can start doing as early as tomorrow
7:21morning. No. Believe in yourself. Yeah,
7:24give me a break. And if this is exactly
7:27what you were looking for, real tools
7:28and not motivational poster quotes,
7:30then subscribe to the channel because
7:31this is the right place for you. A few
7:34years ago, I happened to meet a person
7:36who, in a room full of people talking
7:38over each other, spoke less than
7:40everyone else. I didn't understand why,
7:42whenever he opened his mouth,
7:44everything would stop. He didn't raise
7:46his voice, he didn't pound his fists,
7:48simply, when he spoke, everyone was
7:50quiet and listened. At first I thought
7:53it was shyness; then, by talking to him
7:55and observing this person a few times,
7:56I realized he was quiet because he
7:57didn't have anything to say. Meaning he
8:01didn't feel the need to prove to
8:02everyone else that he necessarily had
8:04something to say on every topic, but,
8:06on top of that, he had a truly
8:08interesting attitude. Before he started
8:11speaking, he would move, everyone knew
8:12he was about to say something, and he
8:14would wait. 1 or 2 seconds before
8:16starting his speech, and those 2
8:18seconds gave importance to all the
8:19following words, and in those years I
8:21was the opposite, I was the one who
8:23filled the silence. All that filling of
8:26empty spaces wasn't for the other
8:28person, but because silence made me
8:30uncomfortable, it pressured me, and by
8:32doing so, I achieved the exact opposite
8:34: I diluted my thought, I diluted the
8:36importance and confidence of what I was
8:38saying. I took the two or three good
8:40things I could say in that moment in my
8:42life and diluted them in a sea of
8:44nothingness. So the third lever, the
8:47third tool, is: stop filling the gaps,
8:49ask your question, say your piece, and
8:51then hold the silence. That's it. At
8:54first, it will feel like a long time to
8:56put a few seconds of silence between
8:57concepts. In reality, it’s just your
8:59discomfort talking; there is no such
9:00thing as a pause that’s too long,
9:01trust me. Because those who allow
9:03themselves a pause when speaking seem
9:05more deliberate, more composed, and
9:06therefore more confident. But holding
9:08the silence while you’re speaking is
9:10only half the job. The real question,
9:12the more uncomfortable one, is
9:13something else. What happens the exact
9:16moment someone challenges you? And for
9:19years, my answer to this question was
9:21pathetic. In fact, for a long time,
9:24especially early in my law career, if
9:25someone with more experience than me
9:27questioned what I was saying, I would
9:29question myself too, and so, in the end
9:31, I tended to give in and say, "They
9:32surely know more than I do." It felt
9:35like being humble, respectful, open...
9:38yeah, right. Instead, in reality, I was
9:40teaching the people around me, the
9:42person in front of me, not to trust my
9:43ideas. And people do this, even people
9:45who are 50 or 60 years old; now I spot
9:46them immediately and I swear, I really
9:48don't tolerate them, I don't give them
9:49the slightest importance. Because if,
9:51at the first sign of someone else's
9:53pushback, you let go of the message you
9:54just stated, what comes across is: "He
9:56didn't even believe in what he was
9:57saying himself," and so, if he doesn't
9:59believe it, why should I, excuse me? So
10:01at a certain point, I understood that
10:03canceling myself out in certain
10:05situations or being the nice guy or the
10:07humble guy is not true humility; it’s
10:09insecurity disguised as politeness, a
10:10type of upbringing we were taught, but
10:12one that is completely wrong and
10:14ineffective in life. Okay? And now,
10:17don't misunderstand me again, because
10:18the opposite mistake is even worse than
10:20this; because holding your position and
10:22never changing your mind about things
10:24is not confidence, but rigidity, and
10:26that is another form of insecurity
10:28disguised as something else. Being
10:30rigid is a bit like: "I’m right,
10:32you’re wrong." Being confident means:
10:35"Look, I’ve thought about it, this is
10:37my position, and this is my why." I
10:40listen to you, I respect what you say,
10:42but I don’t change my mind just
10:44because you don’t agree. You remain
10:46open to reasoning, but you defend your
10:47position; you don't undermine it before
10:49others even hear it. So this is the
10:51fourth tool, the fourth lever. When you
10:53set up your reasoning, stand by the
10:55reasoning you’ve just made, because
10:57every time you undermine yourself you
10:58aren't gifting anyone humility, you are
11:00simply saying you don't trust yourself.
11:02Period. And even if you learn to hold
11:04your ground perfectly, if you mess up
11:06the first 10 seconds of your entrance,
11:07you’ve unfortunately already lost
11:09from the start, because people have
11:11formed an opinion of you before you
11:12even open your mouth. And this brings
11:14us to the last lever, the final tool
11:16that ultimately commands all the others
11:19. And if you want a laugh, watch my
11:21first YouTube video; there are tons of
11:23cuts. Maybe one day I’ll publish them
11:26all and open them like, "Um, so, hi
11:28everyone, today I’ll try to explain
11:30to you, or I would like, or I would."
11:32The point is that I was disqualifying
11:34myself before even saying half a word,
11:36and while making videos on YouTube, too
11:38. I understood that the thing that
11:40matters most is always the first 10
11:41seconds, and psychologists call it the
11:43primacy effect. Basically, the first
11:46impression we make on someone weighs
11:47disproportionately on everything that
11:49follows. It forms in just a few seconds
11:53when we start dealing with a new person
11:55and is extremely difficult to erase. If
11:58you open uncertain, timid, apologizing,
11:59and then later become the most
12:01brilliant person in the world, you’ve
12:02still lost credibility. And this
12:05obviously doesn't just apply to the
12:07first 10 seconds of a YouTube video; it
12:08applies to a meeting, an interview, or
12:10a first date, because those 10 seconds
12:12are when you decide the frame within
12:14which everything you say later will be
12:15read. So the final lever, the last tool
12:20, is own your opening. Don't apologize
12:23for existing, don't ask for permission
12:25before you start speaking. Don't open
12:27with, "Sorry to bother you," uh, open
12:29with the frame you’ve chosen, the
12:31frame through which you want to be seen
12:33by everyone else. 10 seconds. That’s
12:35where, even before what you say, you
12:37decide how you will remain in the mind
12:38of the person watching you. And now,
12:40hold on: before you go into the meeting
12:41room to try these things out like a
12:43hero, wait. There are four mistakes you
12:45need to save yourself from because, if
12:47you fall for them—and they are very
12:48easy to make—you jeopardize
12:50everything we’ve looked at until now.
12:52Mistake number one, when you want to be
12:54and appear more confident, is overdoing
12:56it and falling into arrogance, because
12:58some people hear "I need to be more
12:59confident" and interpret it as "I must
13:01dominate every room, never admit a
13:02mistake." Speaking louder than everyone
13:05else, right? That is another form of
13:07insecurity. Truly confident people do
13:09the opposite; they are the ones who
13:10listen the most, ask the most questions
13:12, and don't need to fill the room with
13:13themselves. Confidence is a consequence
13:15. Error number two, and this is one of
13:18the most important of all, thinking
13:19that confidence means pretending. In
13:22fact, when you stop softening your
13:23words or decide to put your body in the
13:25right position, even if you are nervous
13:27inside, you aren't lying to anyone,
13:28okay? You aren't pretending anything,
13:31you are just deciding not to let your
13:33emotions dictate how you feel and how
13:34you present yourself. It is quite
13:37different, you are choosing. Error
13:38number three, trying to put these five
13:40strategies into practice all at once.
13:43Let it go, you'll get confused, get
13:44your thoughts tangled; pick one at a
13:46time for a week or two and train
13:47yourself on each. Okay? Error number
13:49four. I've seen this done a lot of
13:52times, training yourself and deciding
13:54to do these things only when the stakes
13:55are high, only when you have that
13:56interview, that date, the meeting of a
13:58lifetime. Wrong, you train these tools
14:01when it doesn't really matter, on a
14:03trivial phone call, at an ordinary
14:05meeting, or when ordering at a bar.
14:07Small little steps where you risk very
14:09little. So, by putting these strategies
14:10into practice and avoiding these
14:12mistakes, you will appear and
14:13eventually be much more confident. But
14:15the question that comes to mind now is
14:16another one. What happens when, despite
14:19all of this, people disrespect you? I
14:22answer this question and teach you the
14:24seven psychological tricks to always be
14:26respected by anyone in this video on
14:27the right. Thank you for watching and
14:30always unleash your potential. Hugs.

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