Check Yourself - Accountability | Charlie Johnson | TEDxNormal — Transcript

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1. 0:08We are all changing
2. 0:10all the time.
3. 0:12It is the very nature of existence.
4. 0:17So why do some people seem to be
5. 0:19changing more than others?
6. 0:21Why are some people changing for the
7. 0:23better
8. 0:25while others are changing for the worse?
9. 0:27And more importantly, how do we take
10. 0:29control of the change in our life
11. 0:31and decide where it goes?
12. 0:33These are the questions that have
13. 0:34plagued me since I was young.
14. 0:36Because I remember a time in my life
15. 0:38where I was changing for the worse
16. 0:41every day.
17. 0:42And I felt like I had no control.
18. 0:45I was a teenager and I had started to
19. 0:47become depressed for reasons I didn't
20. 0:49understand.
21. 0:51Started failing my classes, started
22. 0:53smoking cigarettes, I quit my sports
23. 0:56teams, fought with my friends and my
24. 0:58family.
25. 0:59And this was particularly distressing to
26. 1:01my mom. She would come into my room
27. 1:03every night and ask me questions like
28. 1:05"Why are you unhappy?
29. 1:07How can I help?" And
30. 1:09mostly cuz I didn't know the answer, I
31. 1:11would just brush her off.
32. 1:13And then one night she came in and she
33. 1:14asked me something. She said, "Charlie,
34. 1:17what is going to become of your life?"
35. 1:21And I will never forget what I said.
36. 1:24I told her, "I'm going to grow up and be
37. 1:25a failure."
38. 1:27And I cried harder than I had ever cried
39. 1:30that night because when I said it, I
40. 1:32believed it. I believed that there was
41. 1:33nothing I could do to change my future.
42. 1:38My mom disagreed and after exhausting a
43. 1:41long list of options, she made the hard
44. 1:44and drastic decision to send me across
45. 1:46the country
46. 1:47to a wilderness rehabilitation center in
47. 1:50rural West Virginia
48. 1:52on the on the side of a mountain in the
49. 1:54Appalachian Mountains.
50. 1:56It was a community of similarly
51. 1:59emotionally unstable teenagers.
52. 2:02And there was a lot of things I learned
53. 2:04there, but there was one thing we did
54. 2:05every day that really stuck with me.
55. 2:08Every morning we would come together as
56. 2:10a community
57. 2:11and we would pick one virtue we were
58. 2:12going to work on that day.
59. 2:14"Today, I'm going to work on love.
60. 2:18Today, I'm going to work on forgiveness,
61. 2:20on mindfulness, on patience."
62. 2:23And then we would go about our days we
63. 2:25normally would and at the end of each
64. 2:27day we would come back together as a
65. 2:28community
66. 2:29and we would hold each other
67. 2:30accountable.
68. 2:32And it went as well as you would expect
69. 2:34a community of emotionally unstable
70. 2:36teenagers to take it.
71. 2:39"You said you were going to be mindful
72. 2:40today and you ate all the peanut butter
73. 2:42at lunch.
74. 2:44You said you were working on forgiveness
75. 2:46and you cursed me out when I knocked
76. 2:47your cup over.
77. 2:49You said you were going to work on love
78. 2:51and you told me you hated me today."
79. 2:54It's a little harsh
80. 2:55but direct and honest.
81. 2:59There was a kid there, um
82. 3:01we'll call him Nick.
83. 3:03No one liked Nick. He was inauthentic,
84. 3:06insincere, he would fly off the handle
85. 3:08and act out in ways just to draw
86. 3:10attention to himself. It's very
87. 3:11off-putting to the other members of the
88. 3:13community and the leaders weren't blind
89. 3:15to this.
90. 3:16And in an effort to help Nick change,
91. 3:19they sent him back to the beginning of
92. 3:20the program.
93. 3:21A part called the wilderness.
94. 3:24We had all been through it. You
95. 3:26basically live under a tarp.
96. 3:28If it snows, you're cold.
97. 3:30If it rains, you get wet.
98. 3:32It's the kind of place that teaches you
99. 3:34to appreciate all the things we take for
100. 3:36granted every day.
101. 3:38And when Nick made it back to the
102. 3:39community
103. 3:40it was a celebration, a ceremony. And
104. 3:42part of it was getting assigned a mentor
105. 3:44from the community.
106. 3:45And when Nick found out who his mentor
107. 3:47was, he flew off the handle and stormed
108. 3:48out of the room.
109. 3:50And we all knew Nick hadn't changed.
110. 3:52So 2 weeks later, I'm hammering nails,
111. 3:55I'm shingling this roof in the community
112. 3:57and it's the middle of July. It's hot.
113. 3:59It's uncomfortable. And I find myself in
114. 4:01this state of enjoyment.
115. 4:04And it's cuz I'm talking to Nick.
116. 4:07And he's being sincere
117. 4:10and humble about where he is.
118. 4:13And he seemed like the same person, but
119. 4:16I could just tell something was a little
120. 4:17bit different.
121. 4:19And the reason this stands out to me so
122. 4:20much is it's one of those rare moments
123. 4:23where you actually get to see change
124. 4:25happen.
125. 4:27Because the truth about change
126. 4:30you don't get to see it.
127. 4:32If you go to the gym every day, you
128. 4:34don't seem any stronger one day to the
129. 4:36next.
130. 4:37Eating a salad's not going to help you
131. 4:38lose 5 lb. If you're trying to save
132. 4:41money to get rich it's not going to
133. 4:43happen in a month or a year.
134. 4:46And that's what makes change hard.
135. 4:49Is we never get to see the gratitude in
136. 4:51any single day.
137. 4:55But it also introduces this dilemma.
138. 4:59Because we can't see change when it's
139. 5:00happening, sometimes we believe we're
140. 5:02changing for the better
141. 5:04when really we're changing for the
142. 5:05worse.
143. 5:07I have this cousin, we'll call him
144. 5:09Jay.
145. 5:11Jay is developing into a young man.
146. 5:13He is smart and caring. He loves his
147. 5:16family and his friends. And if you were
148. 5:18to ask him, "Is there a goal in your
149. 5:21life that you're working towards right
150. 5:22now?"
151. 5:23He would say yes.
152. 5:25But if you look at where he is now
153. 5:27versus where he was 6 months ago
154. 5:30he's in a worse place now. And if you
155. 5:32look a year ago
156. 5:34the change is even more drastic.
157. 5:37See, the hardest part about change is
158. 5:39acknowledging that we have to do it.
159. 5:42Admitting to ourselves that the actions
160. 5:45we're doing are not going to lead us to
161. 5:47where we want to go.
162. 5:50Someone asked me the other day if I had
163. 5:52ever figured out why I was depressed
164. 5:54when I was younger.
165. 5:56As much as I would have hate to admit it
166. 5:58at the time
167. 5:59all I ever wanted was to make my parents
168. 6:01proud.
169. 6:03And every time I failed or I let them
170. 6:05down
171. 6:06it was easier to say that it was some
172. 6:08fundamental part of me
173. 6:10that I couldn't change
174. 6:12than acknowledge the mountain of change
175. 6:15I was going to have to overcome to be
176. 6:16happy.
177. 6:18And when we acknowledge how much we have
178. 6:21to do, we get this deep-seated sense of
179. 6:24anxiety.
180. 6:25Like it seems impossible.
181. 6:28Like there's no reason to even start
182. 6:30because it seems wasteful. And I can't
183. 6:32think of an organization that approaches
184. 6:34this kind of drastic life change like
185. 6:37Alcoholics Anonymous.
186. 6:39To ask someone who compulsively drinks
187. 6:42every day
188. 6:43to stop now and quit until the day you
189. 6:45die seems like an impossible task.
190. 6:50So they ask you not to drink
191. 6:52for 1 day.
192. 6:54Just
193. 6:561 day.
194. 6:59Because we can manage what happens
195. 7:01today.
196. 7:03And day by day bad habits are broken.
197. 7:07Good habits are started.
198. 7:09And habit by habit we become a little
199. 7:11bit richer.
200. 7:13A little bit healthier, a little bit
201. 7:15better.
202. 7:16So
203. 7:17I think each of us here should pick one
204. 7:20bad habit we have that we want to break.
205. 7:23Or one good habit that we want to start.
206. 7:27And when you go to bed tonight, decide
207. 7:28that tomorrow you're going to try.
208. 7:32And when you wake up tomorrow morning,
209. 7:33let it be the first thing you think
210. 7:34about.
211. 7:36Look for an opportunity to sacrifice
212. 7:38just a little bit to accomplish it.
213. 7:41Go to the gym. Eat a healthier meal.
214. 7:43Don't buy something you otherwise would
215. 7:45have.
216. 7:46Find an opportunity to test your
217. 7:48patience. And when you go to bed at
218. 7:49night you have to check yourself.
219. 7:52There is no community of emotionally
220. 7:54unstable teenagers to call you out.
221. 7:58You are truly the only person who can
222. 8:00hold yourself accountable.
223. 8:02And whether you achieved your goal or
224. 8:03not
225. 8:06decide that you're going to try
226. 8:08for just 1 more day.
227. 8:12Thank you.