Celeste Headlee: 10 ways to have a better conversation | TED — Transcript

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1. 0:12All right, I want to see a show of hands:
2. 0:14how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook
3. 0:17because they said something offensive about politics or religion,
4. 0:21childcare, food?
5. 0:23(Laughter)
6. 0:25And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid
7. 0:28because you just don't want to talk to them?
8. 0:30(Laughter)
9. 0:32You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation,
10. 0:36we just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady":
11. 0:39Stick to the weather and your health.
12. 0:41But these days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects --
13. 0:44(Laughter)
14. 0:46are not safe either.
15. 0:47So this world that we live in,
16. 0:50this world in which every conversation
17. 0:53has the potential to devolve into an argument,
18. 0:55where our politicians can't speak to one another
19. 0:57and where even the most trivial of issues
20. 0:59have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, it's not normal.
21. 1:04Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults,
22. 1:08and they found that at this moment, we are more polarized,
23. 1:10we are more divided,
24. 1:12than we ever have been in history.
25. 1:14We're less likely to compromise,
26. 1:16which means we're not listening to each other.
27. 1:18And we make decisions about where to live,
28. 1:21who to marry and even who our friends are going to be,
29. 1:23based on what we already believe.
30. 1:26Again, that means we're not listening to each other.
31. 1:29A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening,
32. 1:32and somewhere along the way, we lost that balance.
33. 1:35Now, part of that is due to technology.
34. 1:37The smartphones that you all either have in your hands
35. 1:39or close enough that you could grab them really quickly.
36. 1:42According to Pew Research,
37. 1:43about a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day.
38. 1:48And many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friends
39. 1:53than they are to talk to them face to face.
40. 1:56There's this great piece in The Atlantic.
41. 1:58It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell.
42. 2:01And he gave his kids a communication project.
43. 2:03He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subject without using notes.
44. 2:06And he said this: “I came to realize...”
45. 2:09(Laughter)
46. 2:12"I came to realize that conversational competence
47. 2:15might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach.
48. 2:19Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens,
49. 2:23but rarely do they have an opportunity
50. 2:25to hone their interpersonal communications skills.
51. 2:28It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves:
52. 2:31Is there any 21st-century skill
53. 2:33more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?"
54. 2:39Now, I make my living talking to people:
55. 2:41Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers,
56. 2:43billionaires, kindergarten teachers,
57. 2:46heads of state, plumbers.
58. 2:48I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I don’t like.
59. 2:51I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level.
60. 2:55But I still have a great conversation with them.
61. 2:58So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk
62. 3:02and how to listen.
63. 3:04Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this,
64. 3:07things like look the person in the eye,
65. 3:09think of interesting topics to discuss in advance,
66. 3:13look, nod and smile to show that you're paying attention,
67. 3:18repeat back what you just heard or summarize it.
68. 3:21So I want you to forget all of that.
69. 3:22It is crap.
70. 3:24(Laughter)
71. 3:27There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention
72. 3:31if you are in fact paying attention.
73. 3:35(Laughter)
74. 3:36(Applause)
75. 3:39Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer
76. 3:43that I do in regular life.
77. 3:46So, I'm going to teach you how to interview people,
78. 3:49and that's actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists.
79. 3:53Learn to have a conversation
80. 3:55without wasting your time, without getting bored,
81. 3:57and, please God, without offending anybody.
82. 4:00We've all had really great conversations.
83. 4:03We've had them before. We know what it's like.
84. 4:05The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired,
85. 4:09or where you feel like you've made a real connection
86. 4:11or you've been perfectly understood.
87. 4:13There is no reason
88. 4:14why most of your interactions can't be like that.
89. 4:18So I have 10 basic rules. I'm going to walk you through all of them,
90. 4:21but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it,
91. 4:25you'll already enjoy better conversations.
92. 4:27Number one: Don't multitask.
93. 4:30And I don't mean just set down your cell phone
94. 4:32or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand.
95. 4:35I mean, be present.
96. 4:37Be in that moment.
97. 4:39Don't think about your argument you had with your boss.
98. 4:42Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner.
99. 4:44If you want to get out of the conversation,
100. 4:46get out of the conversation,
101. 4:48but don't be half in it and half out of it.
102. 4:50Number two: Don't pontificate.
103. 4:52If you want to state your opinion
104. 4:55without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth,
105. 5:01write a blog.
106. 5:02(Laughter)
107. 5:05Now, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show:
108. 5:09Because they're really boring.
109. 5:10If they're conservative, they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.
110. 5:14If they're liberal, they're going to hate
111. 5:16big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney.
112. 5:18Totally predictable.
113. 5:20And you don't want to be like that.
114. 5:21You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn.
115. 5:27The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said
116. 5:29that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself.
117. 5:34And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion.
118. 5:38He said that sensing this acceptance,
119. 5:41the speaker will become less and less vulnerable
120. 5:43and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses
121. 5:46of his or her mind to the listener.
122. 5:49Again, assume that you have something to learn.
123. 5:52Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't."
124. 5:57I put it this way:
125. 5:58Everybody is an expert in something.
126. 6:03Number three: Use open-ended questions.
127. 6:06In this case, take a cue from journalists.
128. 6:08Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how.
129. 6:11If you put in a complicated question, you're going to get a simple answer out.
130. 6:14If I ask you, "Were you terrified?"
131. 6:17you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence,
132. 6:20which is "terrified," and the answer is "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't."
133. 6:23"Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry."
134. 6:25Let them describe it. They're the ones that know.
135. 6:28Try asking them things like, "What was that like?"
136. 6:31"How did that feel?"
137. 6:33Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it,
138. 6:37and you're going to get a much more interesting response.
139. 6:40Number four: Go with the flow.
140. 6:43That means thoughts will come into your mind
141. 6:46and you need to let them go out of your mind.
142. 6:49We've heard interviews often
143. 6:51in which a guest is talking for several minutes
144. 6:54and then the host comes back in and asks a question
145. 6:56which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it's already been answered.
146. 7:00That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago
147. 7:02because he thought of this really clever question,
148. 7:06and he was just bound and determined to say that.
149. 7:09And we do the exact same thing.
150. 7:11We're sitting there having a conversation with someone,
151. 7:14and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.
152. 7:17(Laughter)
153. 7:18And we stop listening.
154. 7:20Stories and ideas are going to come to you.
155. 7:22You need to let them come and let them go.
156. 7:26Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know.
157. 7:30Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR,
158. 7:33are much more aware that they're going on the record,
159. 7:36and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an expert in
160. 7:39and what they claim to know for sure.
161. 7:41Do that. Err on the side of caution.
162. 7:44Talk should not be cheap.
163. 7:46Number six: Don't equate your experience with theirs.
164. 7:51If they're talking about having lost a family member,
165. 7:54don't start talking about the time you lost a family member.
166. 7:56If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work,
167. 7:59don't tell them about how much you hate your job.
168. 8:02It's not the same. It is never the same.
169. 8:04All experiences are individual.
170. 8:05And, more importantly, it is not about you.
171. 8:09You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are
172. 8:13or how much you've suffered.
173. 8:15Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said,
174. 8:18"I have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are losers."
175. 8:21(Laughter)
176. 8:23Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.
177. 8:28Number seven:
178. 8:31Try not to repeat yourself.
179. 8:32It's condescending, and it's really boring,
180. 8:35and we tend to do it a lot.
181. 8:36Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids,
182. 8:40we have a point to make,
183. 8:42so we just keep rephrasing it over and over.
184. 8:45Don't do that.
185. 8:46Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.
186. 8:49Frankly, people don't care
187. 8:52about the years, the names,
188. 8:54the dates, all those details
189. 8:56that you're struggling to come up with in your mind.
190. 8:59They don't care. What they care about is you.
191. 9:01They care about what you're like,
192. 9:04what you have in common.
193. 9:05So forget the details. Leave them out.
194. 9:08Number nine:
195. 9:10This is not the last one, but it is the most important one.
196. 9:13Listen.
197. 9:14I cannot tell you how many really important people have said
198. 9:18that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill
199. 9:22that you could develop.
200. 9:23Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing,
201. 9:25"If your mouth is open, you're not learning."
202. 9:28And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man ever listened his way out of a job."
203. 9:32(Laughter)
204. 9:34Why do we not listen to each other?
205. 9:36Number one, we'd rather talk.
206. 9:39When I'm talking, I'm in control.
207. 9:41I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in.
208. 9:43I'm the center of attention.
209. 9:45I can bolster my own identity.
210. 9:47But there's another reason:
211. 9:48We get distracted.
212. 9:50The average person talks at about 225 word per minute,
213. 9:53but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute.
214. 9:57So our minds are filling in those other 275 words.
215. 10:01And look, I know, it takes effort and energy
216. 10:05to actually pay attention to someone,
217. 10:07but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation.
218. 10:10You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences
219. 10:13in the same place.
220. 10:14(Laughter)
221. 10:16You have to listen to one another.
222. 10:19Stephen Covey said it very beautifully.
223. 10:20He said, "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand.
224. 10:24We listen with the intent to reply."
225. 10:28One more rule, number 10, and it’s this one: Be brief.
226. 10:33Be interested in other people.
227. 10:35You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather,
228. 10:38and there was kind of a ritual in my home.
229. 10:40People would come over to talk to my grandparents,
230. 10:43and after they would leave, my mother would come over to us,
231. 10:46and she’d say, “Do you know who that was?
232. 10:48She was the runner-up to Miss America.
233. 10:50He was the mayor of Sacramento.
234. 10:51She won a Pulitzer Prize. He's a Russian ballet dancer."
235. 10:54And I kind of grew up assuming
236. 10:58everyone has some hidden, amazing thing about them.
237. 11:01And honestly, I think it's what makes me a better host.
238. 11:04I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can.
239. 11:07I keep my mind open.
240. 11:09And I’m always prepared to be amazed,
241. 11:12and I'm never disappointed.
242. 11:14You do the same thing.
243. 11:16Go out, talk to people,
244. 11:18listen to people,
245. 11:19and, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.
246. 11:24Thanks.
247. 11:25(Applause)