Catherine O'Hara Helps The Dunphys & Pritchetts Through Therapy (Clip) | Modern Family | TBS — Transcript

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1. 0:00Now that we're learning to communicate
2. 0:01constructively, let's put those new skills to use.
3. 0:04Thank you.
4. 0:05I want everyone to write down everything about your partner that drives you crazy.
5. 0:10Really?
6. 0:11The drawers are open, dig in!
7. 0:12Sounds a little marriage endy, doesn't it?
8. 0:15Yeah, I mean. It does, but not for us.
9. 0:17Maybe.
10. 0:18Oh. Huh. Interesting.
11. 0:20Phil, there's nothing that bugs you about Claire?
12. 0:23Nope.
13. 0:24Not even "me likey?"
14. 0:25What's he talking about?
15. 0:26I have no idea.
16. 0:26He says you say it a lot, and it drives him crazy.
17. 0:29Phil.
18. 0:29Okay. Uh.
19. 0:31Claire. - Yeah.
20. 0:32I love you. - I know.
21. 0:33But when you use that expression, it makes me feel, um, icky.
22. 0:39But I've hardly ever even used the expression.
23. 0:42Me likey sushi. Me likey Game of Thrones. Me likey chardonnay. It does hit my ear wrong.
24. 0:46But you know what? Forget it.
25. 0:48I'm sorry. I got nothing to complain about.
26. 0:50Me lucky!
27. 0:52Phil. Never apologize for your feelings.
28. 0:54I thought we're not supposed to say never.
29. 0:57Good catch, Jay.
30. 0:58Thank you. As the kids say,
31. 1:00it's going to get real up in here.
32. 1:02But trust me, after that,
33. 1:03once I've guided you through the extremely
34. 1:06specific steps in deciding what goes back
35. 1:09in the drawer and what gets thrown out,
36. 1:11you will be the best version of yourselves.
37. 1:13It always works.
38. 1:14Don't say always.
39. 1:16Thank you. Let's get ready!
40. 1:19Nothing is off limits.
41. 1:20These are your private thoughts and you are
42. 1:22entitled to them.
43. 1:23Excuse me.
44. 1:27You think I'm too loud?
45. 1:28Shh.
46. 1:29How am I loud?
47. 1:30Well, you take in too much air,
48. 1:31and you expel that air with large and sudden bursts. That's how.
49. 1:35Oh, so you're saying that I am full of hot air?
50. 1:37No, I'm saying just the opposite. None of the air stays in you.
51. 1:41The lights again. Now you've written it down.
52. 1:43I'm trying to stick to the small stuff.
53. 1:45Well, congratulations. You nailed it. Because that's real small.
54. 1:48Okay, it bothers me. All right.
55. 1:49I asked you very nicely to turn off the lights. Constantly.
56. 1:53It's like we're Londoners hiding from war planes.
57. 1:56Why did you write down Teepee joke?
58. 1:57I never said these are my personal and private thoughts.
59. 1:59I love that joke. I tell it all the time. It's funny.
60. 2:01To you.
61. 2:03Okay, listen up guys.
62. 2:05This guy walks into his shrink's office and he
63. 2:06says, doc, what's wrong with me? I'm a teepee.
64. 2:09I'm a wigwam. And the doc says,
65. 2:11That's. That's your problem.
66. 2:13You're too tense.
67. 2:14Do you get it? Too tense.
68. 2:16That's bad.
69. 2:17Claire, that's really bad.
70. 2:18You made her like that.
71. 2:20If you let her feel things,
72. 2:22maybe she'll know what is funny.
73. 2:23Don't care what you people think. Me likey.
74. 2:26Mhm. What is wrong with me likey?
75. 2:28Claire, I love you.
76. 2:30Oh then stop saying it!
77. 2:31Just seems a little childish.
78. 2:33Really? Cause you're the one who can't stop
79. 2:35playing with his pogo stick.
80. 2:36You know what? Maybe you'd be happier if you
81. 2:39played with my pogo stick once in a while.
82. 2:41Oh, God.
83. 2:42What's sad is they're actually talking about a
84. 2:43pogo stick.
85. 2:44What's sad is you love electricity more than me.
86. 2:46It's like we have a deranged second grader
87. 2:49bouncing around the neighborhood.
88. 2:50When did you get so old?
89. 2:51I mean, I love you!
90. 2:53All right, Cam, it's been a pet peeve of mine since I was a kid.
91. 2:56And I've asked you so many times that when you ignore me,
92. 2:59it feels a little passive aggressive.
93. 3:01And when you nag me, constantly,
94. 3:03it feels, hmm, like I'm talking to my mother.
95. 3:06When I have to nag you, it makes me feel like I am your mother.
96. 3:09Which could be why it's been a month since we played with each other's pogo sticks.
97. 3:12Oh!
98. 3:13Oh my God!
99. 3:15How do you think we feel, Mitchell?
100. 3:18Miss. This is not going the way it should be.
101. 3:20Why don't you tell us how to fix this?
102. 3:22I'm so sorry. I have to go.
103. 3:23No, no, no! You have to help us put
104. 3:26this back together.
105. 3:27It's a family emergency.
106. 3:28Trust me. It cannot be as bad as this one.
107. 3:30Oh. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I have to go pick up my son.
108. 3:33Because my idiot ex-husband loaned his car
109. 3:35to his latest Tinder whore.
110. 3:36We paid good money for this.
111. 3:38No, it was only $84.
112. 3:40Excuse me?
113. 3:41I would have paid more, but nobody else was bidding.
114. 3:44That's great. You know what?
115. 3:46I deserve it. This is what you get for dumbing
116. 3:49down 30 years of research for a trite analogy of a
117. 3:52junk drawer. Just because my editor told me it
118. 3:55would get me on the Ellen show.
119. 3:57You were on Ellen?
120. 3:58Oh, yeah. Yeah.
121. 3:59I danced my way into America's heart.
122. 4:01And that's why I'm stuck here on a Sunday
123. 4:03afternoon for 80 bucks.
124. 4:04Wait. You can't leave now.
125. 4:07All our junk is out!
126. 4:08God!