Can People Actually Change? — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00People love saying they've changed.
2. 0:02That's one of the easiest things in the
3. 0:03world to say. I'm different now. I swear
4. 0:05I'm not like that anymore. I promise
5. 0:07this time for real. I know I messed up,
6. 0:09but I've changed. You've heard that line
7. 0:11before. Everyone has. And most of the
8. 0:14time it means nothing. That's what makes
9. 0:16this topic so frustrating because
10. 0:17technically, yes, people can change. A
11. 0:20bad friend can become a good one. A liar
12. 0:22can become honest. A cheater can become
13. 0:24loyal. A drunk can become sober. A lazy
14. 0:26person can become productive. A toxic
15. 0:29person can become kind. Anybody can
16. 0:31become better. That's not the hard part.
17. 0:33The hard part is that most people don't.
18. 0:36And people hate admitting that. They
19. 0:38want to believe that saying sorry means
20. 0:40something. They want to believe that
21. 0:41guilt means something. They want to
22. 0:43believe that somebody crying, begging,
23. 0:45promising, swearing means they've turned
24. 0:48into a new person. A person is not
25. 0:50changed because they said the right
26. 0:51words in an emotional moment. A person
27. 0:53is [music] changed when their behavior
28. 0:55stays different after the emotion is
29. 0:57gone. That's the real test because
30. 0:59anybody can say beautiful things when
31. 1:01they're about to lose something. [music]
32. 1:02Anybody can swear they'll change when
33. 1:03the consequences actually hit them. That
34. 1:06doesn't prove character. That proves
35. 1:08panic. And panic is not the same thing
36. 1:10as change. That's why so many people get
37. 1:12fooled. They don't fall for real growth.
38. 1:14They fall for a performance [music] of
39. 1:16guilt. They hear the apology. They see
40. 1:18the tears. They hear the promise. They
41. 1:20want to believe it. And sometimes they
42. 1:22believe it because they're good people.
43. 1:23Sometimes because they're attached.
44. 1:25Sometimes because they don't want to let
45. 1:27go. Sometimes because they remember who
46. 1:29the person used to be. So they give them
47. 1:32another chance. Then a few days pass,
48. 1:34maybe a week or two. The energy dies
49. 1:36down. Life goes back to normal. The
50. 1:38pressure fades. And slowly the same
51. 1:41person comes back. That's how you know
52. 1:43most people weren't changing. They were
53. 1:46reacting. That's a massive difference. A
54. 1:48reaction is quick, but change is slow. A
55. 1:51reaction sounds good, but change looks
56. 1:53boring. [music]
57. 1:54A reaction happens when the person is
58. 1:56scared. Change keeps going when nobody's
59. 1:58watching. That's what people keep
60. 2:00missing. They think the big emotional
61. 2:02moment is the proof. It isn't. The proof
62. 2:04is what happens later. What happens on a
63. 2:07random day when nothing dramatic [music]
64. 2:08is going on. What happens when nobody's
65. 2:10about to leave them. What happens when
66. 2:12the guilt is gone. What happens when
67. 2:14they're back in the same situation that
68. 2:15used to bring the worst out of them.
69. 2:17That's where people show who they really
70. 2:19are. And this matters in every kind of
71. 2:21relationship, friendships, dating,
72. 2:23family, business, everything. Think of a
73. 2:25toxic [music] friend for example. They
74. 2:26disrespect you. They talk behind your
75. 2:28back. They act weird when good things
76. 2:30happen to you. They switch up when other
77. 2:32people are around. Then when you finally
78. 2:34pull away, suddenly they become
79. 2:36self-aware. Now they say that they've
80. 2:38changed. [music] Now they say they miss
81. 2:40the friendship. Now they say we're in a
82. 2:42bad place. Now they say they're working
83. 2:44on themselves. [music] Maybe they are,
84. 2:46who knows, but you shouldn't trust the
85. 2:47speech. You should trust the pattern.
86. 2:49[music]
87. 2:50Because one of the biggest mistakes
88. 2:51people make is giving trust back too
89. 2:53quickly just because somebody finally
90. 2:55said what they should have said a long
91. 2:57time ago. Words are cheap, especially
92. 3:00when somebody is losing access to you.
93. 3:02That's when people suddenly become
94. 3:04poets. That's when they finally know how
95. 3:06to explain themselves. That's when they
96. 3:07suddenly realize how much you meant to
97. 3:09them. That's when they suddenly discover
98. 3:11growth. But that doesn't impress me at
99. 3:13all. What impresses me is somebody
100. 3:15changing before they are forced to. That
101. 3:17means something. Changing because you
102. 3:19got caught is one thing. Changing
103. 3:21because you got tired of your own
104. 3:22behavior is different. That's much
105. 3:24rarer. And that's why I think people
106. 3:26should stop being so easily moved by
107. 3:28promises. Because promises are usually
108. 3:30made in the hottest point of the moment.
109. 3:32The person is emotional. They're scared.
110. 3:34They're desperate. They don't want to
111. 3:36lose the relationship, the friendship,
112. 3:37the safety, whatever it is. So they say
113. 3:39everything right. And then everybody
114. 3:41around them gets tricked into thinking
115. 3:43something real happened. Maybe it did,
116. 3:45maybe it didn't. Time is what tells you,
117. 3:47not emotion. And this gets even more
118. 3:49serious in actual relationships. Because
119. 3:52this is where people really lose their
120. 3:54mind. A A girl cheats on a guy or the
121. 3:56opposite, a guy cheats on a girl. The
122. 3:58person gets caught, then the speech
123. 3:59begins. I made a mistake. I didn't mean
124. 4:01to do it. I I don't know what was wrong
125. 4:03with me. I swear I'll never do it again.
126. 4:05I I've changed. Can somebody really
127. 4:07change from something like cheating?
128. 4:10Yes, they can. I genuinely believe
129. 4:12people can come back from horrible
130. 4:14things. I don't think cheating
131. 4:15permanently locks someone into being
132. 4:17evil forever. I think people can become
133. 4:19better. I think people can grow. I think
134. 4:21people can become honest from being
135. 4:23dishonest. I think people can become
136. 4:24loyal after being disloyal. But the
137. 4:27question is not can they? The question
138. 4:29is whether you should sit there and wait
139. 4:31to find out. That's where people get
140. 4:34confused. Because forgiving someone and
141. 4:36trusting someone are not the same thing.
142. 4:38You can forgive a person in your heart
143. 4:40and still never let them close to you
144. 4:42again. That's not bitterness. That's
145. 4:44intelligence. A lot of people think
146. 4:46being understanding means you'll keep
147. 4:48giving access. You don't, especially not
148. 4:50after repeated behavior. If someone
149. 4:52cheated once, maybe they can really
150. 4:54change. Well, but really rarely. If
151. 4:56someone cheated, begged, got another
152. 4:58chance, and then cheated again, now
153. 5:00you're not dealing with a person who
154. 5:01made one horrible choice. Now you're
155. 5:03dealing with a pattern. And patterns
156. 5:05matter more than promises, always.
157. 5:08That's one of the biggest points of this
158. 5:09whole video. Anybody can be forgiven.
159. 5:12Not everybody should be trusted again.
160. 5:14That is real life. And some people
161. 5:17watching this need to hear that because
162. 5:18they keep confusing mercy with weakness.
163. 5:21They think being kind means letting the
164. 5:23same person hurt them again and again
165. 5:25while they keep waiting for some magical
166. 5:27transformation that will never fully
167. 5:29arrive. At some point you're not being
168. 5:31understanding anymore. You're just being
169. 5:33available to people who haven't earned
170. 5:35it. That's why second chances are one
171. 5:37thing, but third, fourth, fifth, sixth
172. 5:40chances usually mean you're lying to
173. 5:42yourself. Because by then you don't need
174. 5:44more promises. You've already seen the
175. 5:46person under pressure. You've already
176. 5:48seen the apology. You've already seen
177. 5:50the reset, and you've already seen how
178. 5:52long it lasts. So, why are you still
179. 5:54acting surprised? That goes for
180. 5:56cheating, toxic relationship. That goes
181. 5:58to the people who drink every weekend,
182. 6:00wreck their life, swear they're done,
183. 6:02then go right back the second Friday
184. 6:03comes around. That kind of person is
185. 6:06[music] everywhere. They hit rock bottom
186. 6:08every month. They say, "This is the last
187. 6:10time every month." They act like they've
188. 6:12had some huge breakthrough every month.
189. 6:15Then the cycle repeats. That's because
190. 6:17saying, "I'm done" is easy when you feel
191. 6:19disgusted with yourself. The real
192. 6:21question is what happens when the pain
193. 6:23fades and temptation comes back. [music]
194. 6:25That's where people tell the truth
195. 6:27without talking, and most people fail
196. 6:29there. Because they never wanted to
197. 6:31become different deeply enough. They
198. 6:33just wanted the discomfort to stop.
199. 6:35That's another important difference. A
200. 6:37lot of people don't want to change. They
201. 6:39want relief. They want the fight to
202. 6:41stop. They want the consequences to go
203. 6:42away. They want people to stop being
204. 6:44mad. They want the relationship back.
205. 6:46They want to not feel guilty. That's not
206. 6:49the same thing as wanting to become
207. 6:50better. Real change usually starts when
208. 6:53a person gets sick of themselves, not
209. 6:55just sick of the consequences. The
210. 6:57consequences can wake someone [music]
211. 6:58up. That's true. But if they still
212. 7:00secretly like being who they are,
213. 7:02nothing serious is going to ever happen.
214. 7:05The person who cheats and secretly still
215. 7:07loves the attention will do it again.
216. 7:09The person who drinks every weekend and
217. 7:11still thinks that life is fun deep down
218. 7:13will go back to it. The toxic friend who
219. 7:15still enjoys being messy, jealous, and
220. 7:17weird will return to it. Because
221. 7:19behavior always returns to what the
222. 7:20person still values. That's why changing
223. 7:23for other people usually doesn't last.
224. 7:25Sure, it can start with somebody telling
225. 7:27you to change, but if it stays there, it
226. 7:29usually falls apart. Because eventually
227. 7:32the relationship pressure goes away. The
228. 7:34fear goes away. The person relaxes, and
229. 7:36they [music] slide back right into
230. 7:37themselves. That's why someone should
231. 7:39never build their whole change around
232. 7:41keeping another person. They have to
233. 7:43build it around becoming someone they
234. 7:45can actually [music] respect. That's
235. 7:46much stronger and it lasts longer, too,
236. 7:49because now the reason is inside them,
237. 7:51not hanging off someone else's approval.
238. 7:53And you can tell the difference. A
239. 7:55person changing for appearances always
240. 7:57talks more. A person changing for real
241. 7:59usually becomes quieter. They stop
242. 8:02making speeches. They stop trying to
243. 8:03convince everybody. They stop needing
244. 8:05credit for every tiny improvement. They
245. 8:08just become more stable. That's
246. 8:10something else people miss. [music] Real
247. 8:11change isn't usually loud. It doesn't
248. 8:14always come with some big emotional
249. 8:15explanation. Sometimes it just looks
250. 8:17like this. They stop lying. They stop
251. 8:20cheating. They stop drinking. They
252. 8:21delete Snapchat. They stop making
253. 8:23excuses. They stop disappearing every
254. 8:25time things get hard. Then you cut to 6
255. 8:27months later and they're genuinely a
256. 8:29different person. That's real, slow,
257. 8:31unflashy, repeated, consistent. That's
258. 8:34why I don't think people should judge
259. 8:36change by intensity. Judge it by length.
260. 8:39How long has the person been different?
261. 8:40How have they handled pressure since
262. 8:42then? How do they act when life gets
263. 8:44boring again? How do they act when
264. 8:46nobody's praising them? How do they act
265. 8:48when they're back around the same
266. 8:50temptations? That tells you so much more
267. 8:52than an apology ever will. And I also
268. 8:54think something has to be said for
269. 8:56self-respect. Some of you guys are so
270. 8:58focused whether the other person can
271. 9:00change that you forget to ask whether
272. 9:02you should still be around when they
273. 9:03figure it out. That question matters
274. 9:06because your life is in a rehab center
275. 9:08for every broken person who says [music]
276. 9:09the right lines. You're allowed to
277. 9:11leave. You're allowed to protect your
278. 9:13peace. You're allowed to say, "Maybe you
279. 9:14really will change, but I'm not staying
280. 9:16around to get hurt while you figure it
281. 9:18out." That's not cruel. That's called a
282. 9:20boundary and a lot of good people need
283. 9:22to learn that. So, can people change?
284. 9:24Yes, absolutely. I believe that fully.
285. 9:28People can become better. People can
286. 9:30heal. People can grow out of awful
287. 9:32habits. People can become loyal, honest,
288. 9:34calm, sober, disciplined, trustworthy.
289. 9:37That part is really possible, but
290. 9:39possibility means nothing by itself. A
291. 9:42lot of things are possible. The question
292. 9:44is whether the person is serious enough,
293. 9:46uncomfortable enough, and honest enough
294. 9:47to live through the long, boring,
295. 9:49repetitive [music] process that change
296. 9:51actually takes. Most people are not.
297. 9:55That's the part nobody likes saying. Not
298. 9:56because people are doomed, but because
299. 9:59most people are weak for longer than
300. 10:01they are inspired. That's why promises
301. 10:03mean so little. Promises are made in
302. 10:05minutes. Change [snorts] is proven in
303. 10:07months or years. That's the ratio people
304. 10:10keep forgetting. So, when someone tells
305. 10:12you they've changed, don't fight them.
306. 10:14Don't argue. Don't mock them. Just
307. 10:16watch. Time exposes everything. If it's
308. 10:19real, you'll see it. If it's fake,
309. 10:21you'll see that, too. And if you're the
310. 10:23one making the promise, then remember
311. 10:25this. The person you're trying to
312. 10:27convince matters less than the person
313. 10:29you have to become after the
314. 10:31conversation ends. Cuz once the tears
315. 10:33dry up, once the guilt settles down,
316. 10:35once the room gets quiet, nobody is
317. 10:37clapping for your apology anymore.
318. 10:39There's only one thing left that counts.
319. 10:42What you do next. That's where change
320. 10:44lives. Not in what you said, or what you
321. 10:46promised, or how you felt, but in what
322. 10:48you repeated long enough for it to
323. 10:49become actually true.