YouTube transcript (c8aVim3g5x8) — Transcript

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1. 0:07The teacher asked all the students to
2. 0:09write an essay on the subject, My Pet.
3. 0:11The next day, she started checking
4. 0:13everyone's homework. After checking
5. 0:15little Johnny's essay, the teacher asked
6. 0:17him, "Johnny, your essay on my dog is
7. 0:20exactly the same as your sisters. Did
8. 0:21you copy hers?" Johnny replied, "You
9. 0:24know, teacher, it's the same dog.
10. 0:26[laughter]
11. 0:31A man lay in a hospital bed with an
12. 0:33oxygen mask over his mouth. A young
13. 0:35nurse came in to wash his face and
14. 0:37hands. "Nurse," he mumbled through the
15. 0:40mask. "Are my testicles black?"
16. 0:42Flustered, she replied, "Sir, I'm just
17. 0:44here to clean your face and hands. I
18. 0:47have no way of knowing that." He tried
19. 0:49again more urgently. "Nurse, are my
20. 0:51testicles black?" again. She said, "I'm
21. 0:54sorry, sir, but that's not part of what
22. 0:56I'm here to do." A senior nurse noticed
23. 0:59the man becoming upset and stepped in to
24. 1:01help. "What seems to be the problem?"
25. 1:04she asked. The man repeated, "Nurse, are
26. 1:07my testicles black?" Being a nurse, she
27. 1:09is undaunted. She whips back the bedclo,
28. 1:12pulls down his pajama trousers, moves
29. 1:14his package out of the way, has a good
30. 1:16look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the
31. 1:18bedclo, and announces nothing is wrong
32. 1:21with them. At this, the man pulls off
33. 1:23his oxygen mask and asks again, "Are my
34. 1:26test results back?"
35. 1:33An attorney went into a bar for a
36. 1:34martini and found himself beside a
37. 1:36scruffy looking old drunk who kept
38. 1:38mumbling and studying something in his
39. 1:40hand. He leaned closer while the old
40. 1:42drunk held the tiny object up to the
41. 1:44light, slurring, "Well, it looks
42. 1:46plastic." Then he rolled it between his
43. 1:48fingers, adding, "But it feels like
44. 1:50rubber. Curious, the attorney asked,
45. 1:53"What do you have there?" The old drunk
46. 1:55replied, "I don't know, but it looks
47. 1:57like plastic and feels like rubber." The
48. 1:59attorney responded, "Let me take a
49. 2:01look." So, the old drunkard handed it
50. 2:04over, and the lawyer rolled it between
51. 2:05his thumb and fingers, then examined it
52. 2:08closely by sniffing and licking it.
53. 2:10"Yeah, it does look like plastic and
54. 2:12feel like rubber. Has no significant
55. 2:14smell or taste. I sure don't know what
56. 2:16it is. Where did you get it?" The old
57. 2:18drunkard man replied, "Out of my nose."
58. 2:26Several men are in the locker room of a
59. 2:28golf club. A mobile phone on a bench
60. 2:30rings and a man puts the phone on
61. 2:32speaker and begins to talk as he puts on
62. 2:34his golf shoes. "Hello," he starts.
63. 2:37"Honey, it's me." "Are you at the club?"
64. 2:40a woman asks. "Yes," he answers. "I'm at
65. 2:44the mall now, and I found this beautiful
66. 2:46leather coat. It's only $1,200
67. 2:49right now. Is it okay if I buy it? Sure.
68. 2:52Go ahead if you like it that much, the
69. 2:54man says. Oh, thanks so much, honey. Oh,
70. 2:57and one more thing. The house that we
71. 2:59looked at last year is back on the
72. 3:01market. They are asking $1,500,000.
73. 3:05Well, then go ahead and make them an
74. 3:06offer, but no more than $1,250,000,
75. 3:10says the man. Delighted, the woman says,
76. 3:12"Wow, great. I'll see you later. I love
77. 3:14you." Love you, too. Bye, replies the
78. 3:18man and hangs up. The other men in the
79. 3:20locker room are looking at him in
80. 3:22absolute awe. Then he smiles and asks,
81. 3:25"Anyone know whose phone this is?"
82. 3:27[laughter]
83. 3:32Two gas company servicemen, a senior
84. 3:34training supervisor, and a young
85. 3:35trainee, were out checking meters in a
86. 3:37suburban neighborhood. They parked their
87. 3:39truck at the end of the alley and worked
88. 3:41their way to the other end. At the last
89. 3:43house, a woman looking out her kitchen
90. 3:45window watched the two men as they
91. 3:46checked her gas meter. After finishing
92. 3:48the meter check, the senior supervisor
93. 3:50challenged his younger co-worker to a
94. 3:52foot race down the alley back to the
95. 3:54truck to prove that an older guy could
96. 3:56outrun a younger one. As they came
97. 3:58running up to the truck, they realized
98. 4:00the lady from that last house was
99. 4:02huffing and puffing right behind them.
100. 4:04They stopped and asked her what was
101. 4:06wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied,
102. 4:08"When I saw two gasmen running as hard
103. 4:10as you two were, I thought the gas was
104. 4:12about to burst into flames, so I figured
105. 4:14I'd better run, too." [laughter]
106. 4:21A man was walking down the street when
107. 4:23he was accosted by a particularly dirty
108. 4:25and shabby-looking homeless man who
109. 4:27asked him for a couple of dollars for
110. 4:28dinner. The man took his wallet,
111. 4:30extracted a $10 note, and asked the
112. 4:32homeless man, "If I give you this money,
113. 4:35will you buy some beer with it?" instead
114. 4:36of dinner? No, I had to stop drinking
115. 4:39years ago, the homeless man replied.
116. 4:41Will you use it to go fishing instead of
117. 4:43buying food? The man asked. No, I don't
118. 4:46waste time fishing, the homeless man
119. 4:48said. I need to spend all my time trying
120. 4:50to stay alive. Will you spend this money
121. 4:53on hunting equipment? The man asked
122. 4:55again. "Are you nuts?" replied the
123. 4:58homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in
124. 5:0020 years." Well, the man said, "I'm not
125. 5:04going to give you the money. Instead,
126. 5:06I'm going to take you home for a shower
127. 5:07and a terrific dinner cooked by my
128. 5:09wife." The homeless man was astounded.
129. 5:13Won't your wife be furious with you for
130. 5:14doing that? The man replied, "Don't
131. 5:17worry about that. It's important for her
132. 5:19to see what a man looks like after he
133. 5:20has given up drinking, fishing, and
134. 5:22hunting." [laughter]
135. 5:29A blind woman was flying from Seattle to
136. 5:31San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane
137. 5:34was diverted to Sacramento. Along the
138. 5:36way, the flight attendant explained that
139. 5:38there would be a delay and if the
140. 5:39passengers wanted to get off the
141. 5:41aircraft, reboarding would commence in
142. 5:4350 minutes. Everybody got off the plane
143. 5:45except one lady who was blind. The pilot
144. 5:48noticed her and said, "Kathy, we are in
145. 5:50Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you
146. 5:51like to get off and stretch your legs?"
147. 5:54The blind lady said, "No thanks, but
148. 5:56maybe Buddy would like to stretch his
149. 5:58legs.
150. 5:59All the people in the gate area came to
151. 6:01a complete standstill when they looked
152. 6:02up and saw the pilot walk off the plane
153. 6:04with a guide dog for the blind. Even
154. 6:07worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses.
155. 6:10People scattered. They not only tried to
156. 6:12change planes, but they were also trying
157. 6:14to change airlines.
158. 6:20Adam was walking in the Garden of Eden
159. 6:22when God suddenly appeared to him. "You
160. 6:24look so sad. What's wrong with you?"
161. 6:27asked God. Adam said he didn't have
162. 6:29anyone to talk to. God said that he was
163. 6:32going to make Adam a companion and that
164. 6:33it would be a woman. God continued,
165. 6:36"This pretty lady will gather food and
166. 6:37prepare it for you. She will always
167. 6:39agree with every decision you make. She
168. 6:42will not nag you and will always be the
169. 6:44first to admit she was wrong when you've
170. 6:45had a disagreement. She will praise you.
171. 6:48She will bear you children and never ask
172. 6:50you to get up in the middle of the night
173. 6:51to take care of them. She will never
174. 6:53have headaches and will freely give you
175. 6:55love and passion whenever you need it."
176. 6:57Adam asked God, "What will a woman like
177. 6:59this cost?" God replied, "I will have to
178. 7:02remove an arm and a leg." Adam thought
179. 7:05for a while, then asked, "What can I get
180. 7:07for a rib?" [laughter]
181. 7:13A wife asked her husband, "Honey, if I
182. 7:15died, would you remarry?"
183. 7:18After a considerable period of grieving,
184. 7:20he says, "I guess I would. We all need
185. 7:23companionship.
186. 7:25If I died and you remarried, the wife
187. 7:27asks, would she live in the house? We've
188. 7:31spent a lot of money getting this house
189. 7:32just the way we want it. I guess so.
190. 7:36Would she sleep in our bed? Well, the
191. 7:39bed is brand new. It's going to last a
192. 7:41long time. I guess she would. Would she
193. 7:44use my golf clubs? The wife asks again.
194. 7:47Oh, no. The husband replies. She's
195. 7:49left-handed.
196. 7:55There was a man who had worked all his
197. 7:57life and saved all his money. He was a
198. 8:00real miser when it came to his money. He
199. 8:02loved money more than just about
200. 8:04anything. And just before he died, he
201. 8:06said to his wife, "Now listen, when I
202. 8:08die, I want you to take all my money and
203. 8:11place it in the casket with me because I
204. 8:13want to take all my money to the
205. 8:14afterlife." His wife was a loving
206. 8:17Christian woman and promised to do so.
207. 8:19Well, the day came when he finally died.
208. 8:22He was stretched out in the casket and
209. 8:24the wife was sitting there in black next
210. 8:26to her best friend. When they finished
211. 8:28the ceremony just before the undertakers
212. 8:30got ready to close the casket, the wife
213. 8:32said, "Wait a minute." She had a shoe
214. 8:35box with her. She came over with the box
215. 8:37and placed it in the casket. Then the
216. 8:39undertakers locked the casket and rolled
217. 8:41it away. Her best friend said, "I hope
218. 8:43you weren't crazy enough to put all that
219. 8:45money in there with that stingy old
220. 8:46man." She said, "Yes, I promised. I got
221. 8:50it all together, put it into my bank
222. 8:51account, and I wrote him a check.
223. 8:53[laughter]