YT YouTube2Text

YouTube2Text → Transcripts → Cómo manejar la ansiedad después de una ruptura de amor: recupera tu amor propio | Ep 30

Cómo manejar la ansiedad después de una ruptura de amor: recupera tu amor propio | Ep 30 — Transcript

by DOCTORA FLOREZ · 10,880 words · 1,648 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

Open in transcriber Summarize with AI Download SRT/VTT

Full transcript

0:00You just ended your relationship and you
0:02feel like anxiety is consuming you.
0:05Tell me what story you're telling
0:07yourself now that you've ended that
0:09relationship and I'll tell you where
0:10your anxiety comes from.
0:13First step, I understand that this
0:15anxiety I'm feeling is natural.
0:17So, if it's natural, what should I do?
0:19Get in touch with what I am feeling. How
0:22do I get in touch?
0:24Two, if I start to feel like my anxiety
0:27is overflowing, that I feel like I'm
0:29going crazy with anxiety, that I feel
0:32like I won't be able to handle this, I
0:34have to know that it is I who is turning
0:37that natural anxiety into a pathological
0:40, sickly anxiety.
0:42How? Through the stories I am telling
0:44myself.
0:46That is why anxiety needs you to see it
0:49, to listen to it, to feel it, not to
0:52understand it.
0:55You have the power to restore yourself.
0:58That is the story you have to tell
1:00yourself. You have the power to build
1:02yourself up or destroy yourself.
1:03Constructive anxiety or destructive
1:05anxiety, you choose.
1:07Now is not the time to distract yourself
1:09from what you are feeling with someone
1:10else.
1:11Now is not the time to distract yourself
1:14with a party, an addiction, or casual
1:17sex.
1:18If you really want to get over someone
1:22and let go of your ex, what you have to
1:26do is
1:30tell me what story you're telling
1:31yourself now that you've ended that
1:33relationship and I'll tell you where
1:35your anxiety comes from.
1:38The anxiety you are feeling is natural.
1:42It would be unnatural if, after a
1:45breakup, after ending things with that
1:47loved one, no matter the reasons you had
1:50, whether they were justified or not,
1:52whether you made the decision or it was
1:55made for you, whether you left or were
1:57left, no matter what happened, what you
2:00are feeling is natural.
2:03What isn't natural is if you didn't feel
2:06this way. Now let's define the anxiety
2:09that is felt when you break up with
2:11someone. That anxiety, where does it
2:14come from?
2:16You have to know that anxiety is that
2:20sensation produced when you anticipate a
2:25future.
2:27I'm going to put it in simpler terms.
2:30At this moment, after ending things with
2:33that person, what are you anticipating?
2:36What fear are you attending to?
2:40For example, I won't be able to handle
2:43this.
2:45This is stronger than me and it could
2:47make me sick.
2:50This that I'm feeling won't go away,
2:53this emptiness, this anxiety that
2:55overwhelms me, will it last forever?
3:00Will I not get over it? Will I break,
3:03will I shatter? Will I never find a
3:06partner again? If I fall in love again
3:09tomorrow, will I suffer once more?
3:13The anxiety you are feeling, world,
3:17comes from the anticipation you are
3:20creating regarding this breakup.
3:25Anticipation is me, today in the present
3:29, trying to guess and predict what might
3:32happen to me based on what I am living
3:36through today.
3:39Now, let's identify two types of anxiety
3:42that you feel when you end a
3:45relationship. Natural anxiety and
3:49exaggerated anxiety.
3:52Natural anxiety is the one that is
3:55normal to feel after a breakup, that "
3:58what happens now?"
4:00feeling. And feeling that pain, that
4:04sadness, that sense of emptiness.
4:08That is natural.
4:10Of course, it's also possible that you
4:13end things with someone with whom you
4:15already mourned the relationship while
4:18it lasted, and instead of anxiety, you
4:21feel a sense of well-being, peace, and
4:23freedom.
4:25But that is not what this episode is
4:27about. The episode is about
4:29understanding the anxiety that comes
4:32after I end a relationship. There is the
4:36natural one, which is what I am feeling
4:39because the unit is over, the
4:41relationship ended—that is natural—but
4:43there is another, which is when this
4:46natural anxiety is poorly managed and
4:48becomes pathological anxiety, or what we
4:51will call in this episode, exaggerated
4:53anxiety.
4:54Exaggerated anxiety is when this natural
4:57anxiety I feel from breaking up with the
5:00person I loved is poorly managed.
5:03How do I manage it poorly? I avoid it.
5:06That is to say, unconsciously or
5:08sometimes more consciously, you start
5:11doing things to counteract that anxiety
5:14; but not from a place of health, rather
5:17from "I'm going partying,""get over
5:19someone by getting under someone," and I
5:22start meeting people, I start getting on
5:25a, uh, dating app to find ways to
5:28distract myself.
5:30I get addicted to something, I start
5:32denying.
5:35Meaning, I don't allow myself to connect
5:38with what I am feeling because it
5:40overwhelms me, because I don't want to
5:43feel it, because I feel like I might go
5:45crazy, because I feel like it makes me
5:48sick.
5:50So, instead of connecting with what I am
5:53feeling, I deny it, I avoid it.
5:57So, that is where everything I do to not
5:59feel this comes from.
6:03Everything I do to not feel this
6:06increases, I mean, it increases the
6:08anxiety and shifts it from natural
6:11anxiety, or healthy, natural, normal
6:13existential anxiety, to pathological
6:16anxiety.
6:18Pathological anxiety is that which you
6:20are feeling that is getting out of
6:23control.
6:24It gets out of control because when it
6:26was in its natural, normal state—
6:28because you broke up with someone and
6:30that was what you had to feel, because a
6:32breakup is followed by a natural
6:34sensation—that is normal. To that
6:36natural sensation, you are adding more
6:39problems when you avoid it, when you
6:42deny it, and when you avoid and deny
6:44yourself the possibility of coming into
6:47contact with what you are feeling
6:49because it scares you. So, you break up
6:52with someone and you feel that anxiety,
6:55right? Natural.
6:58What is not natural is that you don't
6:59want to come into contact with it
7:01because it overwhelms you, because it
7:02scares you, because you don't want to
7:04feel it, because you don't know what to
7:06do with it, because we aren't taught
7:07what to do with anxiety.
7:09On the contrary, we are taught to refuse
7:11to feel it. We are taught to say, "
7:12There's nothing wrong with you.""Oh,
7:14stop the nonsense."
7:15"Just, uh, think about something else,
7:18distract yourself, you have to do your
7:20part." That is what your friends tell
7:22you; that is what your family tells you
7:23. When you don't know how to handle the
7:26anxiety produced by the breakup, you
7:29lead yourself, you bring yourself to
7:31feel exaggerated, pathological anxiety—
7:34the anxiety that makes you sick. With
7:37this, I want to tell you, everyone,
7:38something.
7:42The anxiety you feel today because you
7:45broke up or just recently ended a
7:47relationship is normal.
7:50It is normal to feel it.
7:52What comes over you, that which you feel
7:55, is normal.
7:56What you do starting from what you are
7:59feeling is exactly what will cause your
8:02grieving process to be delayed.
8:05It is exactly what will make you feel
8:07that you cannot handle it.
8:09It is exactly what you will feel: that
8:10it is overwhelming you, that it is
8:12making you sick, that you cannot get
8:13over this, that you are wondering if
8:15this will ever pass. "I can't sleep, I
8:17feel like I'm consuming myself, I feel
8:19like I'm dying, I feel like I'm drowning
8:22."
8:23I feel like I'm drowning, out of control
8:25.
8:26It comes because you are not coming into
8:29contact with the natural anxiety of the
8:32breakup. You are denying it.
8:35The emotion, that that sensation—I mean
8:37, the anxiety—you feel it in your hands
8:39, you feel it in your belly, right there
8:41in your stomach, you feel it in your
8:43chest, you feel it, look, you can feel
8:45it in your throat, in your head, in your
8:47face.
8:48There are people who feel it in their
8:50knees, wherever you feel it, in your
8:51hands, in your feet. Wherever you might
8:54be feeling it, that sensation of anxiety
8:58only wants one thing
9:01which we aren't taught, and that is to
9:06be felt. What do you mean, to be felt?
9:08It might sound like we’re talking about
9:10abstract things. Do you know why?
9:12Because we aren't raised to feel, but to
9:14think.
9:15So, that anxiety you are feeling, which
9:17is natural, just wants to be felt, and
9:20it scares you. You just need to get in
9:22touch with it.
9:24Now I'm going to tell you how we’re
9:26going to do that, but what you’re doing
9:28and why you're feeling it is exaggerated
9:30, because you feel like you can't handle
9:32it, that it's drowning you, that this
9:33anxiety is killing you, that you feel
9:35you won't be able to overcome it.
9:38Do you know why you feel that way?
9:39Because instead of getting in touch with
9:42that anxiety you're feeling, which is
9:44natural and normal, at first, you are
9:46trying to think about what you feel. You
9:49are trying to understand from your mind
9:51what belongs to your emotions.
9:54You are trying to think about what you
9:55feel, and the emotion isn't interested
9:56in that.
9:58That anxiety you're feeling, the last
9:59thing it needs is for you to understand
10:01where it comes from, because it's clear
10:03it comes from the breakup.
10:04Oh, but how can I feel this way if the
10:06person isn't even good for me, after all
10:08the damage they’ve done to me. This
10:10doesn't matter.
10:12We aren't talking today about what led
10:14you to end the relationship, but what
10:16you are feeling with a breakup; that
10:18anxiety, obviously, is natural.
10:21You aren't sick, it isn't wrong to feel
10:23it, I mean, you aren't messed up; you
10:26don't need a psychiatrist, you don't
10:28even need a psychologist, you just need
10:30to know what to do. What do I do with
10:32this that I feel?
10:34One, I have to get in touch with this
10:37anxiety, understanding that what I am
10:39feeling is natural.
10:41First step,
10:44I understand that this anxiety I feel is
10:47natural.
10:50Being natural means that it would be
10:51abnormal not to feel it. And at that
10:53first point, knowing it's natural,
10:56surrender; it is natural. So, if it's
10:58natural, what should I do?
11:01Get in touch with that which I am
11:02feeling.
11:03How do I get in touch with it? Not
11:05through what you're doing, which is
11:07through your mind.
11:09You are wanting to understand the
11:10anxiety, and with your mind, you are
11:12denying it through what you think.
11:14Tell me what story you tell yourself
11:16about that breakup, and I will tell you
11:18what kind of anxiety you feel.
11:20If you start telling yourself a story,
11:22and here comes the second point, what
11:23story are you telling yourself now that
11:25you’ve broken up with that person? So,
11:28the first is, I accept
11:31that the anxiety I am feeling is natural
11:33. And the second is, this anxiety I am
11:37feeling comes from what story I am
11:40telling myself about this breakup. What
11:44story are you telling yourself, world?
11:46Are you telling yourself that you won’t
11:47be able to handle the anxiety?
11:49Are you telling yourself that you feel
11:51like you’re getting sick, that you’re
11:53destabilizing, that you can’t sleep?
11:55It’s natural.
11:58It’s natural that all your processes,
12:00all your habits, your work, your social
12:03areas, family, your emotional stability
12:05are being shaken.
12:08You are going through a breakup process
12:10. Obviously, it’s going to shake you up
12:12.
12:13All your emotions will be stirred; your
12:15foundation of trust will be shaken, the
12:17pain will be stirred, the sadness, the
12:20memories, the nostalgia; guilt will be
12:22stirred, the responsibility of not
12:24having done what you knew you had to do
12:26, the regret of having allowed so many
12:28things.
12:30In other words, there is an internal
12:32movement from which that anxiety
12:35naturally arises. Who is turning the
12:37natural anxiety of a breakup into the
12:39monster that devours you?
12:41You, through what you are telling
12:43yourself.
12:46If this anxiety is produced by what you
12:48are telling yourself, what is the way to
12:51keep it in a natural state?
12:54Meaning, for the anxiety to remain at a
12:56healthy level that you can deal with.
12:58Deal with. And when I say deal with, I
13:01mean managing the level. We are all, all
13:04of us are designed that way. Human
13:05beings are anxiety. We are anxiety. It
13:08is a drive for life. If you didn't feel
13:12healthy anxiety, you wouldn't even get
13:14up to work, you wouldn't get up to study
13:15, you wouldn't get up to raise your
13:17children, you wouldn't get up to live.
13:20Healthy anxiety is that drive, that
13:23vital energy that pushes you to live.
13:28Think for a moment, how many times a day
13:30do you naturally feel anxiety without
13:32going through a breakup.
13:35What things does anxiety save you from
13:37because of anxiety?
13:39So, what do I have to do to not feel
13:41that exaggerated anxiety that I’m
13:44feeling about the breakup?
13:46What do I do to keep myself in the
13:49normal state of anxiety, the normal
13:52state we have to go through when we end
13:55things with someone?
13:58One, the most important thing, is to
14:00accept surrender from a place of
14:03surrender, from a place of not opposing
14:06, to understand, to accept.
14:09That what I am feeling is normal.
14:13Two,
14:16that if I start to feel that my anxiety
14:19is overflowing, that I feel like I'm
14:21going crazy from anxiety, that I feel I
14:24won't be able to handle this, I have to
14:26know that it is me who is turning that
14:29natural anxiety into pathological
14:31anxiety, into sickly anxiety.
14:34How? Through the stories I am telling
14:37myself. That is why, third point,
14:41identify the stories you are telling
14:43yourself. The second was: tell me what
14:45story you are telling yourself and I
14:47will tell you what type of anxiety you
14:50have, healthy or sick or pathological.
14:52Now comes number three. Identify the
14:55stories you tell yourself every day.
14:59For that, keep a thought log.
15:02You are going to open a note on your
15:04phone.
15:05Or you are going to use pen and paper
15:08for every thought that comes from the
15:11pit of despair, from your internal pit
15:14of despair. I won't be able to handle
15:16this. This is stronger than me. I am
15:18getting sick, I am going crazy. I will
15:20never get out of this hole. I feel like
15:22I'm going crazy, that I'm dying. This is
15:24stronger than me. Why did they do this
15:25to me? How horrible. I will never have a
15:27healthy relationship again. I didn't
15:29deserve this. Or this happened because
15:31of my fault. What are you telling
15:33yourself? What story from the internal
15:35pit of despair you have are you telling
15:37yourself?
15:39Because you have to leave, stop, get out
15:42of your internal pit of despair and move
15:44to the state of internal understanding
15:47that you also have.
15:50Stop viewing the breakup from the pit of
15:53despair and start seeing it from
15:56understanding, from the light, in light
16:00of what this breakup came to teach me.
16:05This breakup I am feeling anxiety about
16:08is natural.
16:10What I am experiencing is due to the
16:13decision I made to end a relationship or
16:18to the fact that that person no longer
16:20wants to be with me.
16:22Move from the pit of despair, from which
16:25you are producing all the horror movies
16:28you are telling yourself about the
16:30breakup, and start seeing this breakup
16:33from a place of gratitude.
16:36But how, how from gratitude? I mean,
16:39besides the fact that I am suffering, am
16:40I going to give thanks for this horrible
16:42state of anxiety I am feeling? Yes,
16:44because when I express gratitude, I am
16:46able to say, "Okay, even though this
16:49hurts and even though I am feeling this
16:52overwhelming, painful, and heavy weight
16:54, there is something here that I must
16:57learn."
16:59Every relationship leaves you with a
17:00masterclass in love.
17:02From heartbreak, you learn what you no
17:04longer want to negotiate, you learn what
17:06you can no longer allow, and you learn
17:08all those flaws we all have when it
17:10comes to being in a relationship,
17:12because love is lived in an improvised
17:14way.
17:16That is why this podcast exists: to stop
17:18living love, breakups, and all those
17:20feelings of anxiety, pain, and life
17:21itself in an improvised way, because we
17:23aren't taught, we aren't educated. This
17:26is a way to educate ourselves. Now, what
17:28do you have to do with those stories
17:30once you identify them?
17:31Identify them one by one and evaluate
17:34them, because those stories you tell
17:36yourself are the ones you will see
17:39manifested in your outside world.
17:43As within, so without. So, the absolute
17:47desperation you feel, that anxious void
17:50you feel you are currently in because
17:53you’ve broken up with someone, that void
17:57was created by you and you are the one
18:00putting yourself into it.
18:03And I am not talking about the
18:04consequences of having chosen the wrong
18:06partner, I am talking about the
18:07consequences of not knowing what to do
18:09with the natural anxiety that comes from
18:11a breakup.
18:12Are you allowing yourself to feel the
18:13anxiety?
18:15Are you allowing yourself to get in
18:16touch with yourself in that intimacy and
18:18say, "Wow, this feels like this."
18:20How does anxiety feel? How does what you
18:22are feeling actually feel?
18:25When you reach that anxious state, where
18:27your body verifies that you are feeling
18:30what is natural for a breakup, instead
18:32of evading, looking for someone to talk
18:35to, chatting, searching on social media
18:37, getting in touch with that person and
18:39breaking no-contact, or anything you
18:42want to do to deny it, the only thing
18:44you have to do is set that aside and do
18:46the only thing that will save you from
18:49feeling anxiety at such an exaggerated
18:51level,
18:53to keep the anxiety at the natural state
18:55that follows a romantic breakup. Only in
18:58that moment of crisis where your body is
19:01verifying the anxious state you are in.
19:03Close your eyes, get in touch with
19:05yourself, and breathe. We are going to
19:07do a breathing exercise. 4 7 8. Simple.
19:11Inhale for four. Closing your eyes to
19:14give your brain the command that we are
19:16going inward. We are going to get in
19:18touch with our inner self. Breathe as
19:20much as you can, uh, through your nose,
19:22inhaling for four counts.
19:26I mean, you count.
19:27Let's see, I'll do it while I speak.
19:29It’s not that easy, but, but so you can
19:31do it. Okay.
19:32Four. I mean, I will count and you will
19:34be breathing over there. Close your eyes
19:36and I'll count. I'll count. One, two,
19:38three, four. And in those four counts
19:40you are going to inhale all the air you
19:42can.
19:44Four.
19:45Hold it for seven, seven counts.
19:49One, two, three, four, five, six, seven
19:51, and exhale.
19:53And just stay there.
19:56Stay there with what you are feeling.
19:59Sounds strange, doesn't it? It sounds
20:01like that is all you have to do to get
20:03in touch with anxiety. And I say it like
20:06that, even downplaying the sensation,
20:08because what you fear so much, you fear
20:10because you don't know it. They say a
20:13smile says it all. And it's true.
20:17In psychology, we know that a smile not
20:19only expresses happiness, but also
20:22self-love.
20:23And when you feel good about yourself,
20:25the world notices.
20:27That's why I want to tell you about the
20:29sponsor of this episode, Navarro Dental
20:31Care, specialists in smile design in the
20:33United States, located in Miami, Florida
20:36.
20:37It's not just about aesthetics, but
20:39about looking in the mirror and
20:40recognizing yourself with confidence.
20:43Schedule your appointment by calling now
20:45at 305 279 0717
20:49and start showing on the outside what
20:51you are working on the inside. You are
20:53afraid of the unknown, of what you don't
20:56know, of what you don't know how to
20:58handle. I mean, you can't manage,
21:00control, or handle the anxiety that you
21:02feel is killing you because you don't
21:05know it.
21:07The only way to manage that state you
21:08are in, that feels so miserable, that
21:10feels horrible, that feels like you
21:12can't handle it, is by getting to know
21:14it.
21:15How are you going to get to know it? By
21:17going into it.
21:20Let go of everything and surrender.
21:21That's it.
21:23I close my eyes and stay there with what
21:25I am feeling and start to feel in
21:26silence how it feels, how it moves.
21:29And if it’s easier sometimes, do it in
21:31the following way. Close your eyes and
21:33get to know it. Give it a shape. Imagine
21:36it as an energy that moves.
21:38Give it a color.
21:40I like using red a lot, the orange of
21:43fire or the gray of smoke.
21:47Give it a shape, give it a color, how it
21:49moves, how it feels, because when you
21:52know anxiety and get in touch with it,
21:54you will know that anxiety—it will sound
21:56strange.
21:58What I’m about to tell you travels
22:00through your body; you can feel it here
22:02, but if you look deeper into it, you
22:03can tell it’s moving and reaching the
22:05pit of your stomach.
22:07Have you ever felt that state of nerves
22:09where you say, "My hands are sweating,
22:11my hands are shaking, my feet are
22:13shaking, and you freeze, and you feel
22:15everything contracting."
22:17What does that tell you? That anxiety is
22:18traveling through your whole body—it’s
22:20channeling, it’s moving—but you don't
22:22even know it’s moving because you aren't
22:24making contact, you aren't allowing
22:26yourself to. And don't you think that by
22:28crying and crying and crying
22:30inconsolably you are making contact.
22:33Crying can also be a way to avoid
22:36yourself. Crying with awareness is
22:38different from crying out of a tantrum.
22:40Crying with awareness, I’ll repeat it,
22:42we might not even know how to do that.
22:45Oh, it’s like when someone dies. Because
22:48when you, when you go through a breakup
22:50, someone dies on you. What do people
22:52say to someone when someone dies and
22:54they don't see them crying? What do you
22:56think right away? "No, that's wrong
22:58because look, they haven't cried, right
23:01?" That’s what they teach us. Someone
23:03died for you now that you are going
23:05through a breakup; it would be abnormal
23:08to throw a party. So, what am I going to
23:11do with this dead person that hurts me?
23:17What am I going to do with this thing I
23:20have here that fatigues me, that burns
23:23me, that hurts me, that challenges me to
23:26make contact?
23:28Close your eyes and stay there. Stay
23:31there with that feeling. Surrender. It
23:33just needs to be felt.
23:35It just needs you to stay with it. Right
23:38there.
23:39Anxiety needs you to see it, to listen
23:42to it, to feel it, not to understand it
23:46.
23:48And I was telling you that crying could
23:50be another way of not making healthy
23:53contact with what you are feeling.
23:55Those tantrums and that inconsolable
23:58crying are different. And I say it like
24:01this so you can feel it and identify it
24:03when you are doing it. It’s not the same
24:05as crying from the pain, from opening
24:07the door.
24:09Making contact, pushing the button, and
24:11letting the tears flow from a place of
24:13awareness.
24:14Where are you crying from?
24:17Are you crying from a tantrum of whim,
24:19of "why did we break up," and "why
24:21didn't things go the way I wanted," and
24:23"why did they do this to me," and "that
24:26person is unfair."
24:28Look at how it has me, and I wonder,
24:30from where? From there.
24:33If you are, I mean, are you crying
24:35because you don't understand what you're
24:37feeling, are you crying because it’s not
24:39fair, are you crying because you don't
24:42deserve this feeling?
24:44Why are you crying, or are you crying in
24:46a healthy way?
24:48And that is, I surrender, I am crying
24:50because it hurts, because it hurts and
24:52there is nothing I can do. What can you
24:54do when someone dies? What can anyone do
24:58in front of a coffin?
25:00Bring them back to life.
25:02What will you do in front of your
25:04internal coffin, in front of your
25:06breakup: cry inconsolably to evade, or
25:09get in touch?
25:11So, don't believe that just because you
25:13cry every day you are healing, because
25:14where you cry from makes the difference
25:16.
25:17Crying from a place of healing means I
25:21surrender to accepting that what I am
25:25feeling is inevitable.
25:29I surrender to accepting that what I am
25:31feeling is natural.
25:33I surrender to accepting that there is
25:35nothing left to do.
25:36Crying from hope—it hurts and I am
25:38crying, but I have the hope that they
25:40will come back, write to me, and look
25:42for me. You are crying from there
25:44because that is not a breakup.
25:45That is just finishing with someone and
25:48being in a transitory period of
25:50back-and-forth that makes you sick, of
25:52the uncertainty we aren't designed for.
25:55You are crying from hope and from, "I
25:57want them to look for me, I want them to
25:59pay for what they did, I want them to
26:00feel what I am feeling." Are you crying
26:02from there? Or will you learn to cry
26:05from, "I surrender to knowing I did
26:07everything, I tried, and what I missed,
26:11I let go"? Am I crying from goodbye, or
26:14am I crying from the desire to return?
26:17Am I crying from the departure of
26:19someone I surrender to accepting will no
26:21longer be in my life, or am I crying
26:23from the whim of wanting to hold on, and
26:26have them pay, and not understanding
26:28what they’ve done to me?
26:30From where are you crying?
26:32Because that will allow you to know if
26:34you are in healthy anxiety or
26:36pathological anxiety; if you are in a
26:39grief that already began with the first
26:42process, which is step one: acceptance,
26:44or if you are in a grief that will be
26:47interrupted and postponed, that is, a
26:49delayed grief that even leads you to
26:52create something post-traumatic, that is
26:55, something generated after that trauma
26:57.
26:58Remember that trauma is everything that
26:59hits you. Trauma is not a disease, it is
27:02not something to be afraid of. Trauma is
27:03a blow. Trauma is everything that hits
27:05you. It hits me here.
27:07That is a trauma. So, when I speak to
27:09you about something post-traumatic, it
27:11is this breakup that you are living
27:13through. If you are living it from the
27:15hope of returning, this will generate
27:16something post-traumatic, because the
27:18trauma is already the blow, right? The
27:20blow is the breakup, we are finished.
27:21That is the blow. If I don't surrender
27:24to accepting it, if I'm stuck on the "
27:26why" and the "I don't understand" and "
27:27I didn't deserve this" and "this isn't
27:29fair" and so on, well, that's not going
27:31to lead you to close the grieving
27:33process; what it will lead you to is
27:35exaggerated anxiety.
27:37You are going to suffer double when you
27:39do it from that place. That's why I ask
27:41you, from where are you crying? From
27:43where are you suffering?
27:44From where are you allowing yourself to
27:46feel the pain? From what type of anxiety
27:48? So, it is very important when it comes
27:51to getting over someone.
27:53You want to get over someone, definitely
27:56identify from where you are saying
27:59goodbye, from where you are finding
28:01closure, from where you are burying the
28:04dead, because someone has just died on
28:07you, even if they are still alive.
28:11Internally, you are experiencing a death
28:13, a period of mourning.
28:16Someone left you who was a hole, a void
28:18that must be filled again, but not
28:20filled with things from the outside,
28:22filled with you.
28:23How do I fill it with me? How do I fill
28:26that void with myself?
28:27First, by starting to get in touch with
28:30what you feel so that you understand
28:32your potential, understand your power,
28:34your restorative power.
28:37You have the power to restore yourself.
28:40Remember a word that sounds and sounds
28:42every day and is also in fashion,
28:44resilience.
28:46You have the power to be resilient.
28:49What does resilience mean?
28:52It means the power for me, in this state
28:55of crisis, to have the power to return
28:58to my natural state.
29:02Being resilient means that I have the
29:04power, the faculty, the capacity to
29:06restore myself, to return to my natural
29:08state.
29:10Your natural state is not this. Your
29:11natural state is not this.
29:13Desperation, I am dying, I can't sleep,
29:15I can't eat, I don't want to eat, I am
29:17...No, that is not your natural state.
29:18That is the state you are inducing in
29:21yourself based on the story you are
29:23telling yourself. If you feel that you
29:26cannot handle this breakup, your anxiety
29:28will skyrocket. If you feel like you
29:31won't get through this, your anxiety
29:33will skyrocket.
29:35If you feel like you're the worst catch
29:37for anyone and that no one will choose
29:38you again because of everything this
29:40person made you believe you were, that
29:41you were useless, that you were
29:43worthless, whatever it may be, the state
29:45of insignificance you're in.
29:47If you are defining yourself by that
29:49state of insignificance, which is also
29:51natural to question during a breakup, if
29:53you're telling yourself the story from
29:55that place, obviously the anxiety you're
29:57bound to feel is exacerbated,
29:59exaggerated pathological anxiety,
30:00something no one can deal with.
30:03No one can deal with it.
30:05If you are, no, nobody can deal with
30:07anxiety when they don't know how it's
30:09produced, but now you know that this
30:11state you fear so much, the one where
30:13you truly feel like you're going crazy,
30:15is being produced by the story you're
30:17telling yourself.
30:19As for the stories, how do I stop them?
30:22Every time I catch myself telling myself
30:24that tragic story from the well of
30:26internal lament, from tragedy, from "I
30:28can't handle this," from "this is
30:30stronger than me," even if you have
30:32insomnia, you can handle this.
30:34Even if you feel like this is driving
30:36you crazy, you are not going to go crazy
30:38. A breakup doesn't drive anyone crazy
30:40unless they don't know how to handle it
30:41. But today you are learning how that
30:44thing you feel will never end, will in
30:46fact end. Emotions have a beginning and
30:49an end.
30:50Emotions are transitory. What does that
30:53mean? They are here today and gone
30:54tomorrow. Just like it just happened to
30:56you. Do you remember the ex you had
30:58before this breakup? Remember the person
31:01you got over before this breakup. And if
31:04this is your first person, then let me
31:06give you some other information now. But
31:08first, I'll address the people who
31:09already have exes. Do you remember that
31:11you felt the same way? No, it didn't hit
31:13me as hard, but it still hit you, you
31:14still felt something because someone
31:16broke things off.
31:17You have already buried the dead,
31:19remember, this won't kill you.
31:22And that is the story you have to tell
31:23yourself. The story you have to tell
31:25yourself is, I can handle this. Because
31:26you really can. Of course you can,
31:29because you, I, and all human beings
31:31have the power to restore ourselves,
31:33just like when you get sick and heal
31:35physically. What does that tell you?
31:37That you have the power to restore
31:38yourself, that your cells, that your
31:40brain, that your inner self is designed
31:42for resilience. I will return to my
31:45natural state. You need to be patient
31:48and compassionate with yourself. You are
31:51going to get through this.
31:53That is the story you have to tell
31:54yourself. You are indeed going to get
31:56through this.
31:58There are people who recover from cancer
32:00. When everything is done in time, there
32:03is no illness that kills you. Not even
32:05the pandemic, which we just went through
32:07a little while ago, ended the world.
32:09This breakup is not going to end you.
32:10You can handle this; you really can.
32:12Breathe and feel empowered, and give
32:14that information to that pain, and give
32:16that information to that anxiety, and
32:18give that information to this breakup.
32:22Feel it in the midst of the pain, even
32:24though I know internally you feel like
32:27you are on your knees, bowed down,
32:29broken before that pain.
32:31I know you feel that this hurts, that
32:34you are carrying a cross, yes.
32:36But there, bowed down, internally on
32:39your knees in that image, imagine that
32:41you are all covered in bandages, with
32:44band-aids everywhere internally.
32:47But there, in that state, breathe in for
32:50four, all the air you can, hold for
32:52seven, exhale for eight, and you will do
32:54it again for four, as much as you can.
32:58But during that seven, while you are
33:00holding it, say: "I have the power to
33:02restore myself." I have the power. That
33:04is the command you have to give yourself
33:05. That is the story you have to tell
33:07yourself. I have the power of inner
33:09resilience. I have the power to get
33:11through this. I have the power to keep
33:14my natural anxiety from the breakup in
33:17its healthy state. You have the power to
33:19build yourself up or destroy yourself.
33:21Constructive anxiety or destructive
33:23anxiety, you choose; now you know, now
33:26you know that natural anxiety feels like
33:29when you are going to take an exam.
33:32Do you remember when you had to go take
33:33an exam, or a job interview?
33:35Natural anxiety. What was not natural
33:38was not going to the interview, skipping
33:39the exam, or becoming incapacitated so
33:41you wouldn't do what you had to do
33:43because of the anxiety you were feeling
33:44. What happened then? You were turning
33:46that healthy, constructive anxiety. From
33:48healthy and constructive anxiety, you
33:50turned it into pathological, sick
33:52anxiety. So, stop the story you are
33:54telling yourself, breathe.
33:56When you hold the seven, while you are
33:57counting to seven, say, "I have the
33:59power to get through this." I have the
34:00power to restore myself. I have the
34:02power.
34:03It's that the command you send to your
34:06brain makes the difference.
34:10The story you tell your internal world
34:12makes the difference.
34:14That's why, tell me, what stories do you
34:17tell yourself during a breakup and I’ll
34:20tell you how capable you are of getting
34:22through it healthily?
34:25Tell me what story you tell yourself
34:27when you break up with someone and I’ll
34:30tell you how quickly you heal and how
34:33healthily you navigate this stage from
34:35gratitude, from understanding, from
34:38appreciation. Stop the constant crying.
34:40And I'm not telling you not to cry; I'm
34:42telling you to stop the hopeless crying
34:44.
34:45I mean, that crying that has no
34:47awareness, no meaning, that comes from
34:48having no purpose, and start learning
34:50how to cry.
34:52There are people who even know how to
34:53cry without tears because for something
34:55to hurt, you don't need to weep.
34:57For something to hurt, you need to
34:59understand and get in touch with the
35:00pain.
35:02And have those tears come from a state
35:03of understanding, from a state of peace
35:05.
35:06How can I have peace during a breakup?
35:08It is possible. Besides, who told you
35:10that every single day of a breakup hurts
35:12? You cannot be connected. Here comes
35:14something important and the next step
35:16follows. The fourth one. After you make
35:18contact, how do I close my eyes? I make
35:21contact, what is it like? What shape
35:22does it have? How does it move? I stay
35:25there feeling it in order to manage my
35:28anxiety. I have to get to know it. If I
35:31don't know it, it will control me. I
35:34can't do it.
35:35I felt anxiety. I'm going to call.
35:38It's that every time you call, every
35:40time you hear about that person, every
35:42time you look for an excuse to be in
35:43contact with them, what does anxiety do
35:45?
35:46It goes up.
35:48Why does the anxiety go up?
35:50Because you are denying it, my dear,
35:51because you are rejecting it.
35:54Because instead of making contact with
35:55that anxiety, which is all it wants, who
35:57told you that the anxiety you feel is
35:59for you to call that person to get rid
36:00of it?
36:01The problem is that you want to get rid
36:03of the anxiety.
36:04Your problem is that you want to remove
36:06the anxiety of the breakup.
36:07Your problem is that you don't want to
36:09miss them.
36:10Your problem is that you don't want to
36:12feel this way, and you have to surrender
36:14because there is no other way, no other
36:16way to go through a breakup than by
36:18feeling it.
36:20It's just that I don't want to feel this
36:21way. It's absurd. And we all want that.
36:24Everyone, not just you. All human beings
36:26wish not to feel what fatigues us.
36:29That chronic fatigue you are feeling,
36:32you won't be able to avoid it. And what
36:34do you do every time you make contact
36:36with that person?
36:38Every time you have a, uh, uh, you look
36:40for them, want to know about them, want
36:41to know, I mean, every time you try to
36:43get rid of your anxiety with that person
36:45, what you're doing is turning healthy
36:47anxiety into pathological anxiety, and
36:48that is where your anxiety spikes and
36:50you can't handle the grief.
36:53That's why I told you there were ways to
36:54cry. You can't cry saying, "I don't want
36:57to feel this."
36:59It serves no purpose.
37:01People think because they cry from that
37:03place, no: it's that I'm allowing myself
37:05to feel, it's not that I'm allowing.
37:07You're not allowing yourself anything,
37:09you're allowing yourself to be in an
37:10internal state of a tantrum, like the
37:12child who wants to go to, who is in a
37:14supermarket and wants you to buy them
37:15something and: "I don't want to, I don't
37:17want to!". Or the child you tell, let's
37:19take a bath, and they say, "I don't want
37:20to bathe, I don't want to bathe, I don't
37:22want to bathe." That's how you are. "I
37:24don't want to feel this, I don't want to
37:25feel this." There is no other way,
37:27sweetheart.
37:28The only way is I have to surrender,
37:30from surrender, from accepting with will
37:33and not opposing feeling this that I am
37:35feeling.
37:37You have to feel it. There is no other
37:39path. All the paths you take other than
37:42I allow myself to feel this pain, I
37:44allow myself to feel this anxiety, I
37:46allow myself to feel this sadness. All
37:48the paths you take different from that,
37:50what they will do is make you walk in
37:52circles. I mean, you're going to reach
37:54the pain anyway, sooner or later. You
37:57decide how long it takes you to get
37:58there.
38:00I don't want to feel this, so I evade, I
38:02join the gym, I get a routine, not to
38:04create new habits, but I do it to deny.
38:08If you are working to deny, avoid,
38:11reject, and pretend nothing is happening
38:14and that you are great, you are making
38:17the path longer.
38:18Sooner or later you will arrive, and
38:21there is something interesting here, you
38:23will arrive sooner or later by killing
38:26that dead person, I mean, burying this
38:28dead person, this ex, this breakup, or
38:30in a next breakup. That is, there are
38:33people who avoid themselves out of the "
38:35I don't want to feel this," they avoid
38:37it and they use one nail to remove
38:39another and the Tarzan method.
38:42To move here, I jump there, bam, you
38:44didn't grieve.
38:46What you did was distract yourself from
38:48this pain because you didn't want to
38:50feel it or didn't know how to get in
38:52touch with it.
38:53You started a new relationship, and then
38:56when this relationship threatens, for
38:58example, that we're no longer going to
39:00be together, or I got dumped, or I feel
39:03it's ending, you have two processes in
39:05one.
39:06The previous grief you didn't process
39:08and the anxiety of the new relationship
39:11.
39:11What I mean by this is that you either
39:13face your anxiety and get in touch with
39:15it and, with resilience, return to your
39:17natural state—that is, I face it, I
39:19connect with it, I stop telling myself
39:21stories, I know I can handle this, I
39:22allow myself to feel this natural state
39:24, which I'll tell you more about in a
39:26moment—or you live it with that person,
39:28or if you cling to something else,
39:30someone else, another relationship,
39:32you'll have to live through it twice.
39:35That's why there are so many people—and
39:38maybe it's happening to you, I see it a
39:40lot in my practice—who try to go through
39:43grief by avoiding it, jumping into a new
39:46relationship immediately, and then this
39:49relationship is often doomed to failure
39:51.
39:52And I'll tell you why failure; it
39:53doesn't matter if you don't break up
39:54with that person, I'm talking about
39:55emotional failure.
39:57Everything you experience in that new
39:58relationship you took to get over the
40:00last one, you'll experience it doubly
40:02because you'll be living it for this
40:03relationship and for the previous one
40:05that hasn't been settled yet. You have
40:07outstanding balances, emotionally
40:09speaking, that you are going to have to
40:12pay with the new person. So that's where
40:15many people say, "This breakup hit me
40:17much harder than the last one." Of
40:19course, my love, it's a two-for-one.
40:21It's that you denied the previous one,
40:23you didn't live it, you jumped into this
40:26one, and in this new breakup, you get
40:28the two-for-one. That's why there are
40:31loves that kill, and that is what you
40:33have to be conscious of.
40:35I can no longer allow myself, after
40:37seeing this information, to innocently
40:39go on living breakups from a place of "
40:41I don't care what I feel,""I don't want
40:43to feel this,""nothing is happening,""
40:45it doesn't matter."
40:47I mean, there are people who live like
40:48that.
40:50A little while ago I was talking to
40:52someone, a man, who had just broken up
40:54with his partner a week ago, and I asked
40:56him just two days ago, I asked him, "
40:58How are you feeling?"
41:00"No, I feel spectacular, superb; in fact
41:03, I have the tools, I feel like I can
41:05handle everything, I feel like nothing
41:08hurts at all." Watch out, if it's been
41:10two days and you feel like you don't
41:12feel any pain, I would tell you, knock
41:15on the door—knock on the door of your
41:17inner world.
41:19Why?
41:20Either you did an anticipatory grief,
41:22meaning you buried the dead while still
41:25in the relationship, you killed and
41:27suffered the loss while in it, or you
41:29are denying it—it's like nothing is
41:32happening; you're faking it, using false
41:34strength, false power.
41:37The invitation is to get in touch with
41:40what you are feeling.
41:43If you really want to get over someone
41:46and let go of your ex, what you have to
41:50do is get in touch with what you are
41:54feeling now that you are in the breakup
41:58.
41:59That is the key.
42:02How do you allow yourself to feel what
42:05you naturally have to feel when a
42:08relationship ends?
42:11That is the key.
42:14Are you allowing yourself to feel this—
42:17this pain, this sadness, this anxiety,
42:19this desperation, this nostalgia, this "
42:22I miss you"?
42:24You have to open yourself up and say, "
42:26With decision and willpower, I allow
42:28myself to feel this."
42:30Put aside everything you use to avoid
42:33feeling, to avoid getting in touch with
42:37what you are feeling. What does this
42:40mean?
42:41That it's not the time to evade, it's
42:43not the time to distract yourself from
42:45what you're feeling with another person
42:47, it's not the time to distract yourself
42:50with partying, an addiction, or casual
42:52sex.
42:53What are you using
42:56to not feel this?
43:00It's one thing to distract myself on
43:03purpose because I can't be connected
43:0524/7 to that sadness and that anxiety.
43:10natural to the breakup. And it's another
43:12thing to say, "I don't want to feel this
43:14and I'll do whatever it takes to avoid
43:15it."
43:16So, I keep myself busy, I stay in
43:17another relationship, I start talking to
43:19someone, I get addicted to something, I
43:21deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny
43:23, all to stay busy, so I don't have to
43:25think or feel.
43:26Watch out, it's one thing to distract
43:28myself consciously—I'll explain how we
43:30do that later—and another to evade
43:32everything because I don't want to feel
43:34or think. So, what do I have to do to
43:37let someone go for good? What do I have
43:39to do to get over my ex?
43:41What do I have to do with this anxiety
43:43I'm feeling because I just ended a
43:45relationship? What is it that I have to
43:47do? One, get in touch with what I am
43:50feeling, and I cannot afford the luxury
43:53of rejecting, evading, or denying it.
43:57So for that, every time you feel
43:59yourself denying, occupying yourself
44:01with something else, a relationship, an
44:03addiction, casual sex, work, becoming
44:06addicted to something, whatever it is to
44:08distract yourself, but not from
44:10conscious distraction, but rather from "
44:13I deny, I reject," because I don't want
44:15to feel and I do everything to keep
44:18myself busy, so as not to come into
44:20contact with it.
44:22Stop, breathe.
44:26And set it aside.
44:28Out of survival, due to your internal
44:31defense system, you will want not to
44:34feel this way. But we are understanding
44:37that pretending not to feel this way
44:39only postpones the grief, only makes it
44:41harder, only prolongs it for you. So it
44:44is better to do it from the beginning as
44:47I have to do it. I come into contact. It
44:49is me allowing myself to feel this
44:51anxiety I am feeling, this pain I am
44:53feeling, this sadness I am feeling. I
44:55close my eyes, I breathe in for four, as
44:57much as I can. Four, I hold for seven 1
45:012 3 4 5 6 7, I exhale.
45:06And I go in there and I ask myself in
45:08there in order to manage this. I have to
45:10know it. What I don't know controls me.
45:14What I don't know is more powerful than
45:15me.
45:16What I don't know is what I fear the
45:18most, I am afraid of it because I have
45:20no idea what it is.
45:21That is why what you are feeling scares
45:23you so much, because you don't know what
45:24it is. First step, get to know it. Focus
45:27there.
45:28Stay there with that, feeling it.
45:31How does it feel?
45:32Where is it felt? What am I thinking at
45:35this moment? How does it feel? Stay,
45:37close your eyes and let it move.
45:39How does it feel? Give it a color, give
45:43it an intensity from 1 to 10, 8, 7, 12,
45:463.
45:47What color would you give it to
45:49understand it? Because you need to
45:51understand, to handle language, to
45:53handle images. That is how we human
45:55beings are taught to understand things.
45:57So, how does that feel? How does it move
45:59? What color is it? Give it a color.
46:02Where do you have it? In your stomach,
46:03in your chest, in your hands? Does it
46:05stay there or does it keep there or does
46:07it walk or or where? In what part of the
46:10body? It can be one or it can be several
46:11. It can start in the stomach and end in
46:13the chest or in the throat. Where does
46:15it move?
46:16And now comes what you are thinking
46:19about, what are you thinking?
46:21Keep a record of all your thoughts, what
46:24I call the mental ordeal.
46:27Write down your mental ordeal, the way
46:29in which you self-flagellate.
46:32For example, write down: I can't handle
46:34this. This is horrible. This is the
46:36worst thing that has happened to me. No
46:37, I won't be able to get over it. This
46:39is killing me, I'm going crazy. That
46:41mental ordeal, that story you are
46:43telling yourself, you have to identify
46:45it and know it because it is what is
46:47producing the exaggerated sensation you
46:50are feeling in this breakup, of grief,
46:52anxiety, sadness, and horrible despair.
46:54That you feel horrible is okay. What you
46:56feel so horribly is being produced and
46:59maintained by that mental ordeal, by the
47:01pit of your sorrows.
47:03Identify them and read them. I am
47:06telling myself that I can't handle this
47:07, that this is horrible, that I am going
47:09crazy.
47:10I am telling myself that I am weak, why
47:12did I allow it, that it's my fault, that
47:14I'm stupid, that he's a wretch, that he
47:16didn't value me.
47:17What story are you telling yourself?
47:19Where do you feel it? How does it feel?
47:21What story are you telling yourself?
47:22It's what you're thinking. And now an
47:24important one, when I feel this way,
47:26what do I want to do? What do I tend to
47:28do? Do I tend to call, do I tend to call
47:31him? Do I tend to start working?
47:33Do I tend to cry?
47:35Inconsolably, do I tend to eat something
47:38, do I tend to look for someone to chat
47:40with and distract myself, do I tend to
47:42flirt with someone?
47:45What do I do? You have to be aware of
47:47these three things in the breakup.
47:52To be able to let someone go for good,
47:55you have to know what you feel, and for
47:58that, you have to know what I am feeling
48:01, where I feel it, how it feels on a
48:04scale of 1 to 10, how it feels—strong,
48:07intense, or not so intense?
48:11How does it feel?
48:12What do I think?
48:14What am I thinking?
48:16What mental ordeal am I putting myself
48:18through?
48:19What do I think? And what do I do in
48:22that moment when I feel this way? What
48:24do I do?
48:25That is the key. Now, what do I have to
48:27do? I already identified how it feels,
48:29right? What do I have to do to resolve
48:31what I feel?
48:33Getting in touch with—getting in touch
48:35with just means staying there without
48:36doing anything about this thing I am
48:38feeling.
48:39I accept it, I surrender, I accept that
48:42what I am feeling is natural.
48:46What is it like? Look, I feel it like a
48:48ball of fire or I feel it like a cloud.
48:52How does it feel?
48:54What is it like? Where?
48:57Here. Put your hands on it. Bring your
48:59hands to it. For example, I'm going to
49:01say that you feel it in your stomach and
49:03you feel it in your chest.
49:04Breathe it in, close your eyes, and just
49:06stay there with it. I really like doing
49:09this exercise by holding my breath as
49:12long as I can, because for me, when I
49:14breathe, I hold my breath here, I stay
49:17there, while I hold my breath until I
49:20can't anymore, I feel it, and you're
49:22going to feel it the same way. I mean,
49:25induce that state of feeling in that
49:27moment you come into contact with that
49:29thing, with that, let’s call it a thing
49:31, with what you are feeling, with that
49:33nameless thing. Maybe we don’t know if
49:35it’s anxiety, pain, whatever, with that
49:37thing, go in there, stay there, hold on
49:38, get to know it. How does it move? What
49:40color is it? What intensity does it have
49:42? What is it like? And what is it coming
49:44to tell me? Don't fear it anymore; that
49:46thing won't kill you.
49:49It only wants to be felt.
49:51Like when a baby cries and cries and
49:53cries. What did the baby want? For you
49:55to take it in your arms and soothe it.
49:58That baby was a sea of emotions, the
50:01same sea of emotions that you are
50:03feeling right now.
50:05It only needs you to embrace it.
50:09That thing only needs you to hold it, to
50:11have it, to keep it there.
50:15Emotion needs to be felt, not thought
50:19about or interpreted. What is it you’re
50:22telling yourself? What are you trying to
50:24do? Why do I feel this way? What is it
50:26I’m feeling? Am I going crazy? What is
50:28this? I don’t know. I’m in despair.
50:30Because you are trying to think what
50:32should be felt.
50:34You are trying to understand what is
50:36designed to be felt.
50:38The thing you feel that is overwhelming
50:41you and that is verified in your body—
50:44those emotions, those sensations, those
50:47feelings—that thing only needs you to
50:50feel it.
50:51Close your eyes and stay there.
50:54I remember, everyone, that when I was in
50:56therapy because my father had passed
50:59away, I remember my psychologist would
51:01tell me, "Stay there with it, feel it."
51:05And I would say, "What is this? What is
51:06this man talking about?" I was very
51:08young, much younger, right? I'm still
51:11young, but I didn't understand it like
51:14that.
51:16I would have loved it
51:19if he had told me instead of making me
51:22discover it.
51:23I’m still grateful because I discovered
51:25how, but I would have loved to have been
51:28told this "how."
51:30If I had known that coming into contact
51:32when they told me, "Stay there with it,
51:33" meant do nothing at that moment.
51:35Stay there with what you are feeling.
51:37What is it like?
51:40Now start to register what you are
51:42thinking and what I tend to do when I
51:44feel like this. Because now your job is
51:47to make contact, but make contact with a
51:50clock. Out of the 24 hours of the day, I
51:53cannot be connected 23 and a half hours
51:55to this, to the thing.
51:57Out of the 24 hours of the day, I am
52:00going to connect consciously for about
52:0240 minutes, an hour. Set an alarm and
52:05say, "Right now I am going to dedicate
52:06myself to feeling the grief." Pick a
52:09moment in the morning, in the afternoon
52:10, at night, whichever you want. "That's
52:12fine.
52:14So,
52:17with an alarm for those 40 minutes, you
52:20are going to induce yourself, get into,
52:22connect with what you are feeling, with
52:25the thing.
52:28You set an alarm and you get in touch
52:30with it, and so if it is good for you at
52:33that moment because it helps you connect
52:36, look at photos, if at that moment
52:38listening to a song that reminds you of
52:41them helps, induce it. Get into it.
52:44Something that gets you into it
52:46initially, which is not calling the
52:48person, which is not sending them a
52:50message, which is not reading that chat
52:52and such, no no no, which is something
52:54that is yours, that does not involve a
52:56relationship with the other because it's
52:59no contact, right?
53:01What will also help you get out of this
53:03breakup. But today we are talking about
53:05what I do with what I'm feeling to get
53:06over someone, what I do with what I'm
53:07feeling is the key.
53:09So then, and when the alarm goes off
53:11after having stayed there with that, I
53:13have to stop and I will dedicate myself
53:15then, after that hour in which I already
53:18made contact, to what I have in front of
53:20me and not in my mind. I am working,
53:22there is no room for grief, I am working
53:24and so I feel what I am feeling and I
53:26have to get in touch with my body, I
53:28have to get in touch with this. No, that
53:30is what I make contact for. That is why
53:32I always recommend in the morning and at
53:34night. I already made contact. Now here
53:36is, I feel what now, anxiety came over
53:38me, sadness came over me, a memory came
53:41over me, I breathe
53:45and I say, at this moment I am safe.
53:48At this moment I dedicate myself to
53:50living life from what I have in front of
53:53me and not from what I have in my mind.
53:55At this moment I am going to work, at
53:57this moment I am going to talk to my
54:00friends.
54:01At this moment I am going to eat, at
54:03this moment I am going to take a shower
54:05. At this moment I am going to watch a
54:07movie. Right now, I'm going to do
54:10something.
54:11What I have here in front of me is not
54:14the time to address grief, anxiety, pain
54:16, sadness, or nostalgia. It's not the
54:19time at work. It's not the time when you
54:21are with your children.
54:23It's not the time when you're at school
54:24; it's not the time when you're at
54:26university, when you're taking a course
54:27; it's not the time when you're talking
54:29to your parents; it's not the time when
54:31you're at the gym; it's not the time
54:32when you're at the movies, when you're
54:34at a party; it's not the time.
54:37That is why it is also so important for
54:39me to recommend that when you are in an
54:41early stage, in an early stage of grief
54:43, you have to be very careful with
54:45habits, for example, alcohol, substances
54:47, the use of psychoactive substances,
54:48because that takes its toll on you in
54:50grief.
54:52It is not very healthy, I mean, it is
54:55not healthy to be using alcohol, for
54:58example. Hold on world. That is a
55:01ticking time bomb.
55:02That is an emotional bomb. Avoid it. It
55:05is important how I connect, how I
55:08connect with those emotions and that you
55:11see yourself not evading. Every time you
55:14see yourself evading, doing something
55:16different to evade, stop.
55:17And if you want to talk to someone, we
55:19will do it because we want to talk to
55:21someone, not because I am going to use
55:23this to distract myself because I don't
55:25want to feel. That is where the
55:27difference lies.
55:29It's not that it's toxic, negative, sick
55:31, or bad to talk to someone during that
55:33process, to flirt or something, it's
55:35about from where you do it: do you do it
55:37because you like it, because you want to
55:39connect, or do you do it to distract
55:41yourself, to evade, and to not feel this
55:43? From where do you do it? From where do
55:45you contact your friends? From where do
55:47you go to a party? Do you want to go to
55:48a party? Do you want to go out with your
55:50friends? Honestly, from where do you do
55:52it? Is it that I don't want to feel and
55:54I want to distract myself, or have I
55:56already connected with myself, have I
55:57already made contact, and now it's time
55:59to continue my life because grief does
56:01not paralyze your life. When you are in
56:02grief, you cannot put yourself in a
56:04freezer. Life goes on, and that is the
56:06cruelest part of grief, that the clock
56:08keeps ticking, that life goes on while
56:10you are paralyzed.
56:12There is also something important to do
56:14when you make contact, when you give it
56:16shape, intensity, whatever you are
56:19feeling, and you dive in. We are going
56:21to try to resolve it in the following
56:23way.
56:25I breathe in, hold, and let it out. Now
56:29, as you breathe, imagine that light is
56:31entering, reaching that sensation
56:33wherever you feel it, in your chest, in
56:36your stomach. Do it with me.
56:40And I imagine that the air brings light
56:42to my chest, which is the thing, the
56:44thing, the color you gave it, the shape
56:46, the intensity.
56:49You bring air there and imagine that the
56:50air breaks what you are feeling into
56:52tiny little particles.
56:53You break it, break it, break it, and
56:54throw it out.
56:56When you can't hold it anymore, throw it
56:59out, imagining through visualization
57:01that this thing is breaking into pieces
57:03and leaving your body.
57:05And you do it,
57:09break it and pull it out.
57:12Your job will be that, out of 1 to 10,
57:14you said," I have it at five, I have it
57:16at eight, I have it at 10. "From 1 to 10
57:18, what you are feeling should be
57:20decreasing as you do this breathing and
57:22visualization exercise.
57:24So, breathe
57:27imagining that you bring light, for
57:29example, to your chest; that light
57:31breaks that thing you have, which you
57:33already gave a color, a shape, and an
57:35intensity; it breaks into little pieces
57:37, into particles, and you throw it out.
57:40From the third time on, start saying
57:46particles while you say as I am breaking
57:48it, I have the power to manage this.
57:53I can handle this, I have the power to
57:55return to my natural state, I breathe.
57:58I have the power of resilience, I have
58:01the power to get out of this.
58:03I have the power to keep my anxiety in
58:06my natural state. I have the power to be
58:09well.
58:10I am well. The brain will obey those
58:13commands. Why? Because the brain is like
58:16when watching a scary movie. You watch a
58:18scary movie and you feel fear, and you
58:20know it's a lie. It’s the same thing
58:21here.
58:22Even if you don't feel like you can, you
58:24are going to breathe with awareness.
58:27It will say," I can handle this. "I am
58:29stronger than what I am feeling. I
58:31manage what I feel.
58:33I have the power to self-manage, to
58:36self-control this, to feel it.
58:38I have the power to restore myself. You
58:41have the power to restore yourself. That
58:43is why you have to identify the mental
58:45ordeal you tell yourself. You have to
58:47stop the stories of the pits of regret
58:48you tell yourself. I can't handle this.
58:50Yes, I can handle this. Get out of the"
58:52This is stronger than me, I am going
58:54crazy because of this "; it is natural
58:56and I have the power to restore myself.
58:58Change it." This that I am feeling is
59:02destroying me completely. "" I feel like
59:04my life is slipping away. "Change it to
59:07I can restore myself. I have the power
59:10to be okay. I can manage what I think.
59:16I have the power to accept, to feel, and
59:19to know that I am restoring my peace,
59:22that I continue to be okay, that every
59:25day that passes is a better day.
59:28That is why you should also be attentive
59:31to what you do. From where am I doing
59:33this?
59:34Am I doing it to deny, or am I doing it
59:36because I already connected at that time
59:38with an alarm, and now it is time to
59:40live my life from what I have in front
59:42of me and not from what I have in my
59:44mind.
59:45That is why I am at work and sadness or
59:47anxiety hits me. I breathe, I have the
59:50power to be okay.
59:52This is not the time to address this; it
59:54is time to focus on my work.
59:57If what I am feeling is very strong, I
1:00:00go for a moment, if I am at work, to the
1:00:02bathroom, right there at my desk, I
1:00:05breathe, I bring in light, imagining
1:00:07those particles leaving and I let go, I
1:00:10do it at least seven times telling
1:00:12myself," I have the power to be okay. "
1:00:15Every day that passes is a better day.
1:00:18And that gives you back the power you
1:00:20feel you do not have in this breakup.
1:00:23You can handle this breakup, and that is
1:00:25how you let someone go. Apply it, world
1:00:28, apply it because the power to restore
1:00:30yourself is within you.
1:00:33You are doing it well.
1:00:36You are going to start doing it well
1:00:39from now on. Self-compassion, patience,
1:00:43time, power for the mental ordeal.
1:00:48Transform it into thoughts of
1:00:50self-compassion, of understanding, and
1:00:53of I can, because you can. Do not let
1:00:56anything or anyone make you think
1:00:58otherwise, and you can, in spite of
1:01:01yourself.
1:01:03World, thank you for having stayed until
1:01:04the end.
1:01:05Share this episode with someone you know
1:01:08who does not know what to do with the
1:01:11breakup they are going through. Share it
1:01:14with someone you know who does not know
1:01:16how to let go of the person they need to
1:01:18let go of. Subscribe so that you receive
1:01:21all the information from the Flores
1:01:24office first.
1:01:26Subscribe so you know everything we do
1:01:27at the Flores office, workshops, courses
1:01:29, all the information.
1:01:31Tell me your story, leave me your
1:01:33comments.
1:01:34In the description box, I leave you all
1:01:36the details on how you can contact me to
1:01:39talk to me, to tell me your story.
1:01:41I leave you a chat link there where you
1:01:44can ask about my services, my private
1:01:47couple consultations, my courses, my
1:01:49workshops.
1:01:50Thank you for trusting me.
1:01:53We already reached 100,000 subscribers.
1:01:56A round of applause for us.
1:01:58A round of applause for you. Thank you
1:02:00for trusting me.
1:02:02Thanks to the whole magical team, and
1:02:05the production company of this great,
1:02:07great podcast that is made for you, made
1:02:09by you, and that also makes me happy.
1:02:13Total thanks and see you in the next
1:02:15episode.

About this transcript

This page contains the full transcript of Cómo manejar la ansiedad después de una ruptura de amor: recupera tu amor propio | Ep 30 by DOCTORA FLOREZ, generated from the public captions YouTube serves with the video. The transcript has 10,880 words across 1,648 segments, with the original timestamps preserved so you can click any line to jump to that moment in the embedded player.

What you can do with it

Use the transcript to take notes, quote the speaker, build a study guide, generate a summary with ChatGPT or Claude via the YouTube Summary tool, or export it as a timed subtitle file with YouTube to SRT. You can also re-open it in the transcriber to choose a caption track available on the video.

Free YouTube transcript tool

YouTube2Text is a free YouTube transcript generator — no signup, no daily limit. Paste any YouTube link and get the full transcript instantly, with timestamps, click-to-jump, caption language selection, AI prompts for ChatGPT, Claude, and Gemini, and exports to TXT, SRT, VTT, or Markdown.