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BUKOLA ‘SUGAR' AKINPELU on Almost Dying in Military Training & Starting Over|Dear Ife Series Podcast — Transcript

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0:01Did you know on the day of the wedding?
0:03>> Yes. That this is not going to last.
0:05>> Oh yeah. Of every day that I've been
0:07humiliated in the relationship, my
0:09traditional wedding day,
0:11>> nothing tops it.
0:12>> He embarrassed you in front of vendors.
0:14>> Everybody.
0:15>> If your parents had told you not to go
0:16ahead, what would you have done?
0:19>> I cannot tell you how many times him
0:22insulting your parents to their hearing.
0:25>> I'm ashamed. I don't know how to talk
0:26about this. I was frustrated.
0:29And I just wanted it to stop. And
0:31because of my action, I thought I
0:34deserve everything. You had social media
0:37and after every problem, you would press
0:39record. Hey guys.
0:43It's okay.
0:45It's okay. Even though you felt like I
0:47was hiding, that was also my safe space.
0:51You still went ahead and got married or
0:53stayed in the marriage. Why? Why was
0:55that?
1:00>> [music]
1:05[music]
1:08>> Welcome to the Dear F series podcast.
1:11Today's episode is a special edition
1:14exclusive interview with one of the most
1:18vibrant human beings I've ever met. Very
1:21hardworking, very driven, and most
1:23importantly, very honest. And today
1:26we're going to be talking about this
1:29book right here. My life as sugar, the
1:32memoir of the things that I the memo of
1:36everything I built and everything that I
1:39hid. Okay. And let me tell you
1:42something. This book is wild. I read it
1:46in two days. Two days. Community
1:50members, I'm telling you, I could not
1:52put it down. And before we start, I just
1:56want to introduce you to the woman and
1:58the lady of the day,
2:01my darling, Sugar Ola Akinu.
2:06Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank
2:08you. Thank you. As you all know her as
2:12no sugar on the internet, my life as
2:14sugar on social media. But introduce
2:18yourself properly for me.
2:21>> First of all, thank you for having me
2:23always. Um it's an honor to be here and
2:26I'm so glad um that you are the one
2:29getting to speak to me first.
2:31>> Yes.
2:31>> Um but yeah, introducing myself, my name
2:34is Oluba Akello. I am a registered
2:39nurse, an entrepreneur.
2:41Um
2:43I'm so many things. Um but most
2:46importantly today, I'm Sugar, the
2:48author. Oh, I forgot ABOUT THAT.
2:52>> [laughter]
2:52>> YOU KNOW, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, this is THIS
2:54IS BEFORE OUR DAD.
2:55>> SUGAR, the author.
2:56>> The author. This is technically like my
2:59second book. I did author The Ultimate
3:01Nursing School Study Guide.
3:02>> Listen,
3:03>> which is the best nursing school study
3:05guide. We sold tens and thousands of
3:07copy. But now I'm also an author of my
3:09own memoir, My Life as Sugar, a memoir
3:12of everything I built and everything I
3:14eat. Why are you laying emphasis on the
3:16Eid if
3:17>> because you hid [laughter] a lot. you
3:19hid a lot from us. You know, I'm not
3:22going to lie to you that we haven't
3:23spoken about it before. Not about the
3:25book, but about a little bit about the
3:27experience. Okay? And whether don't
3:29worry, sugar, you'll be fine. You'll be
3:30okay. And when I read this book, I felt
3:34so many things.
3:36>> I felt so many things. But one of the
3:38underlining things that I felt and I
3:40could not stop feeling throughout the
3:41book was a heavy heart. I carried a
3:44heavy heart all through the book, I'm
3:46telling you. M
3:48>> and on top of the heavy heart which was
3:50a foundation was disappointment,
3:54anger,
3:56[clears throat]
3:57>> frustration,
3:59>> not only at you as a person but also
4:04about
4:06everyone around it and the situation.
4:08Okay.
4:10Why did you write this book?
4:11>> I wanted to write a book to inspire
4:13anybody that could look like me. M
4:15>> but when I started writing this book
4:18[clears throat]
4:19the reason is just to come out.
4:22>> M
4:24>> I
4:25had a lot of self-reflection.
4:28I know that where I see myself in the
4:32future
4:33requires me knowing where I am in order
4:35for me to be able to make better
4:36decisions.
4:37>> Yes. And while I was spending this, I
4:40knew that if I didn't come out fully,
4:44>> it wouldn't do what I wanted it to do.
4:48>> While writing it, what everybody would
4:51feel, I felt it.
4:52>> Tell me what you felt.
4:54>> The first thing was shame.
4:55>> Mhm.
4:56>> And then I felt disappointed.
4:58>> Mhm.
5:00>> And then I felt encouraged.
5:02>> What encouraged you?
5:05>> My life. I feel like in spite I'm still
5:08here.
5:10>> In spite,
5:10>> yes,
5:11>> I'm still sugar.
5:12>> Yes.
5:12>> And so even though
5:14I'm not proud of everything that I've
5:17done,
5:17>> Mhm. [clears throat]
5:18>> I'm still sugar.
5:19>> You are still sugar. You definitely are
5:21still sugar. Let's go back to your
5:23childhood. I could relate so much. I was
5:25like, ah, [laughter]
5:27>> me said, this is how I grew up.
5:29>> Yes. Now, I grew up poor, but they were
5:32just playing. It was just like, you
5:33didn't know you were poor. You know how
5:35I know you know how you grew up in such
5:37an environment where it felt like a a
5:39community. Yes. And you don't even know
5:40you're poor. You're just living life. Do
5:43you get? And for me that was something I
5:46could so so relate with. Tell me a
5:49little bit about your childhood, how you
5:51grew up,
5:52>> your family.
5:54>> A Okay. So the first thing you read in
5:58the book is me saying that I wasn't
6:00aware early on that I was not the first
6:03daughter of my father.
6:04>> Yes.
6:04>> And I had to say that because you know
6:09>> I thought I was the only child for the
6:10longest. Okay. And my mom didn't have my
6:13sister until I was about to be 6 years
6:15old. And before that I was spoiled. Ah,
6:20one thing my dad likes a lot and if
6:22you're Nigerian you know this is um we
6:25call it um what we call it pig milk mina
6:30and egg and it will mix it up together
6:32and whisk it together and that is what
6:34>> I didn't drink that I didn't drink that
6:36YOU KNOW YOU
6:38could [screaming]
6:39[laughter]
6:40>> that was our
6:42raw egg remove me
6:43>> hey and now as a registered nurse that
6:46is a bunch of sugar FOR NO REASON WHY
6:49BUT ANYWAYS is I remember whenever my
6:51dad would want to treat me, he would be
6:53like, "Oh, I got picked milk." And back
6:55then, you know, pick me, come
6:57>> milk now.
6:58>> I didn't even know there is like, oh
7:00yeah, getting a treat. And so I was
7:03spoiled a lot.
7:04>> But then again,
7:06>> I started to notice that my parents even
7:08like say they wanted another child. You
7:11know how you, you know, catch a glimpse
7:13of your parent talking about kids or,
7:14you know, talking to their, you know, to
7:16their own parent at that time. And I'm
7:18like,
7:18>> "Huh,
7:19>> what about me?
7:20>> What about me?" You know, but our life
7:23changed to going to church, going to
7:25church, going to church. And obviously,
7:26you know, she taken then I have my I
7:28have my my brother. But my childhood, I
7:29would say, um, interesting to say the
7:32least.
7:33>> Um, I was brought up in a very humble
7:36home.
7:36>> But you were loved.
7:38>> Very loved.
7:38>> Yes.
7:39>> Too loved to be. in fact too loved that
7:42I feel like
7:44maybe because of that in a way I wanted
7:47the I you know maybe we're going to get
7:49to that some point but I was very loved
7:52very loved very trusted and since I was
7:56young my parents have always always
7:58respected my decision.
8:00>> Yes. Yes. Another thing I related to was
8:02you went to boarding school.
8:03>> Yes.
8:04>> Listen I went to all female boarding
8:07school but a mixed school. So you know
8:10how there's a private school but you
8:11went to a boarding school as well but it
8:13was all female female. Tell me about
8:15about that.
8:15>> Um I'll tell you about one for secondary
8:18for senior secondary school which was um
8:20federal government guest college or your
8:23>> I loved my time there.
8:25>> Ah okay. I think one of the interesting
8:27>> declare declare DECLARE
8:29[laughter]
8:32I went I went to boarding school though.
8:34So I don't declare for real. So in in
8:38FGO, okay, before I got to FGO, I felt
8:39like I was looking for my Sim. I
8:41couldn't find myself cuz I went to Queen
8:42School, I went to Crown College, and
8:45then I went to Federal Government Guyo.
8:47And that's where I later could find my
8:49own community. And when I tell you FGO
8:52shaped where I am today, if we're being
8:54honest, um
8:56>> very big on community, on friendship, on
8:58commitment.
8:59>> Yes. Friendship. Friendship. You made a
9:02lot of friends. And that's the thing
9:03like I remember that I still have
9:05friends from my secondary school that I
9:07would call and say, "Oh, I have an
9:09event." And they'll show up. Even though
9:10we don't talk every day,
9:11>> but there's that community, but there's
9:14something that you experience at Queens.
9:18[sighs]
9:20>> Yes. Are we going there already? Right
9:23away.
9:26>> So,
9:28I was young, right? I didn't fully
9:31understand what was going on, but I
9:34remember that day like yesterday and I
9:36remember sharing this with my sister
9:39after writing my book
9:41>> cuz like I said,
9:41>> was that the first time you shared with
9:42her?
9:43>> Yes. My younger sister.
9:45>> Your sister is such a
9:46>> She's a bad
9:47>> She's a She's not only a baddie, she's a
9:49defender. [laughter]
9:50>> She's Yes. And
9:52>> listen, she's my favorite.
9:53>> Yeah.
9:54>> Oh, she is.
9:54>> In this book, she's my favorite.
9:56>> She loves you.
9:57>> I love her right back. in this book.
9:59She's my favorite.
10:00>> Oh, okay. So, the way things work in
10:02body in Nigeria, at least the one that I
10:05go to is when you're done with class and
10:07you're done with, you know, everything
10:08that you're doing, um, they give you
10:10like 2 hours between, I want to say six
10:12prep time, you know, usually
10:14>> you go for prep, you go and read. Prep
10:15is when you go like it's like a library,
10:17but you read it, do it in the hall.
10:19Yeah. And so, you have like about 1
10:21hour, 2 hour window to get yourself
10:22situated for the next day. And usually
10:26um back then juniors you line up
10:29>> and seniors usually are the first set of
10:31people to like you know get things like
10:33that. So this day I'd gone to the tap
10:35area.
10:36>> Um
10:38>> I'd gone to the tap area to to fetch
10:40water. That's what we call it.
10:42>> And um I remember climbing back. Oh god.
10:47It's okay.
10:49Okay. So I remember climbing up the
10:51stairs and I was hearing footsteps,
10:55right?
10:56>> And this person said my name and so I
11:01had my water. So I'm like but I could
11:05tell was a senior cuz again in boarding
11:07house there's a way senior dresses
11:09differently from junior. If you know you
11:11know.
11:11>> Yes. to cut the nursery short. Um, she
11:14asked me to put down my water and then
11:16she started funding me like and I
11:19probably had like just a little bit of
11:23boobies, right? And then um, how old
11:27were you?
11:28>> 10, 11.
11:30>> 10, 11. And then I remember her lifting
11:34me up and slamming me on the concrete. M
11:39>> talking about it right now. I can see it
11:40felt like I felt the pain again in my
11:42back
11:42>> and then she was umping on me,
11:45>> right?
11:46>> And at some point she had this relief
11:48>> again. I'm not understanding what's
11:50going on. And I didn't think of it as
11:52anything. And then she whispered to me,
11:54"You can't tell nobody."
11:55>> So I said, "Okay." I took my bucket of
11:57water. I went to my, you know,
12:00>> to my host. But
12:02>> when you went back in, you knew it
12:05wasn't normal, right? I knew it wasn't
12:07normal.
12:08>> I knew it wasn't normal, but again,
12:10that's a senior. A senior is like an
12:13authority. And also, I went to a public
12:18boarding house.
12:19>> So, we were almost most of us were kids
12:24of quote unquote nobody. And so,
12:28even if I had a voice,
12:31it's too many of us. This is schools
12:33where you have
12:36sometimes hundreds of people in a
12:38classroom.
12:39>> So I knew it wasn't right, but I was too
12:42scared to tell anybody
12:44>> cuz she told me
12:45>> you cannot.
12:47>> And I know that when a senior tells you
12:49not not to do something, you better not.
12:52>> I was reading this book and I told
12:53myself, is this her real name?
12:55>> No. No.
12:58>> Okay,
12:59>> that's not her real name. Yeah,
13:00>> I had her real name in there. My lawyer
13:02asked me to change it.
13:03>> Yeah,
13:04>> I do search her up every now and then.
13:06But
13:06>> do you see her?
13:08>> I don't know if the if it's the same
13:09person though.
13:10>> Yeah,
13:11>> because it took me a while obviously to
13:15understand what had happened and also
13:16reflecting back on my life and maybe why
13:18some things are the way they are now,
13:20you know, to now
13:22>> connect the dots
13:24>> and then start looking for
13:26>> the actual root of the problem. Mhm.
13:28>> But I guess if that was the only time it
13:31happened, maybe I would have forgotten.
13:34>> It wasn't the only time.
13:36>> It was not.
13:37>> It happened all through
13:38>> all through.
13:40>> You were in Genesis
13:422.
13:42>> Two.
13:43>> And it happened all through Genesis 2.
13:45Happened all through Genesis 3.
13:46>> I was in Genesis 1. It happened all
13:47through Genesis one and GS
13:49>> and Genesis 2. And then you left.
13:51>> Yeah. Every time it happened, did you
13:54accept it more or it was the same pain,
13:56the same feeling that you felt every
14:00time?
14:03To be honest,
14:06I didn't know what it was.
14:09>> For me, it was the same. So, if it was
14:11pain, it would be pain every day. What I
14:14did notice then was
14:16>> it got bad and I started bedwetting. M
14:20>> so sometimes right when I'm in my bed
14:23and I've wetted my own bed
14:25>> I'm waiting for her to come get me from
14:26my bed so I could lay next to her.
14:29>> Oh.
14:30>> So you became dependent became dependent
14:32>> on her. Yeah. And then you went home and
14:37you wanted to change your schools.
14:39>> Yeah.
14:40>> Did you tell your parents?
14:41>> I never did.
14:43I never did. First of all, I'm sorry
14:45that that happened to you
14:47>> because people who have been to
14:49secondary schools, female secondary
14:51schools, you know, this happens a lot.
14:53One thing that I admire about you, I
14:56mean, yes, I like your home. I like, you
14:59know, how your parents loved you. I also
15:02love your hustle spirit.
15:05It's something that I'm like I wish that
15:08aside from what we see on social media,
15:10people really know how desperate you are
15:14in a good way to live your full
15:16potential. So many things happened in
15:18the book. So many things and I'm just
15:20going to skip past a lot cuz of course
15:21you have to read it. But I also noticed
15:24a pattern of financial abuse. Did you
15:26notice that?
15:27>> Yeah.
15:27>> You recognized it as financial abuse.
15:30>> In what sense?
15:31>> From your me to Tommy. AH,
15:36you see that as financial abuse? I
15:37thought I was a giver. [laughter]
15:40Ky finished. No. Was it? Guys, there's a
15:44part in the book that I wrote it there
15:46on my note. I said this made me so
15:50angry. Sugar was 18 years old or 19
15:53years old. She had a boyfriend whose mom
15:56asked Sugar. Sugar was young. This old
15:59woman called Sugar and said, "Sugar, get
16:02me a generator. We don't have rights."
16:03[laughter]
16:06>> Yes. And I did it.
16:07>> And she did it. And before then, she's
16:09been doing other things.
16:10>> Yeah.
16:11>> And you don't see that as financial
16:13abuse.
16:17>> So,
16:18>> you were young.
16:19>> I was young.
16:21>> She couldn't call somebody else to get
16:22her generator.
16:23>> But I also had money.
16:26>> Okay. And for me,
16:28>> break it down for me.
16:28>> Yeah.
16:29>> So, because you have money, anybody can
16:31ask.
16:34>> At the time,
16:35>> the old the old sugar,
16:38>> I feel like
16:40>> I don't know how not to give if I have
16:44an abundance.
16:45>> And abundance can mean just five $5.
16:47>> I was going to say not really. She
16:48didn't have an abundance. [laughter]
16:50>> If we if go back to look at it,
16:53>> abundance, but it could mean $5 more
16:54than what what I actually need. what you
16:56need,
16:57>> right? And so I'm also
17:01>> cuz you said you were expecting
17:02accountability here.
17:04>> I also feel like I'm always offering
17:07>> maybe not even saying it but showing
17:10>> I'm available to you to give.
17:14>> Even the ones before that I would give
17:15they
17:15>> What about your man?
17:18[laughter]
17:20You see, SO I'M TALKING to
17:25so you can recognize it as financial
17:26abuse.
17:27>> Yes.
17:28>> Yes. That one Yeah. abused me.
17:31>> Yes.
17:32>> Used to me.
17:32>> Yeah. And throughout the book, I can see
17:34that, you know, happening as well. And
17:36again, I kept repeating on my notes.
17:38This is this is financial abuse. I want
17:40to skip past again so many things in the
17:42book and get to the crux of
17:46your adulthood when you started living
17:49by yourself. When you left Nigeria,
17:53>> came to America
17:54>> by yourself.
17:55>> Yeah.
17:55>> You didn't know anybody?
17:56>> No.
17:57>> It feels like life is about to start.
17:59>> Yeah. And I was ready for it.
18:02>> I was ready for it at the time.
18:04>> How old were you then?
18:05>> 22.
18:06>> 22. At the time I knew that I wanted to
18:09be successful and if this is the path
18:13that was right I was ready to tackle it
18:15at all.
18:16>> And at this time you had met your
18:19your ex-husband who were talking about
18:22in the book as well. So you had this uh
18:25long-distance relationship at the time.
18:28You also joined the military.
18:29>> Yes, I did. [laughter]
18:33>> You want to talk about boot camp? I
18:34almost died. You almost died.
18:36>> I almost died.
18:38>> From what?
18:38>> From swimming.
18:40>> Oh,
18:40>> I almost did. So, at the time that I had
18:44moved to the United States and started
18:46figuring out what I wanted, the person
18:48that you had mentioned, my ex, we had I
18:50would say we weren't together together.
18:54>> I was so curious about that. Like, it
18:56wasn't mentioned for a long time.
18:58>> Because we there was nothing to mention.
18:59We were not I would just say we're not
19:01together.
19:01>> How you met was so buzzy.
19:03>> Yeah. Oh, it was really buzzy. I was
19:06like, "Oh my god." Okay. Like I'm
19:07watching those um teenage movies we met.
19:10>> Yes. How you met when you How you met
19:12your ex. His name is Sro.
19:14>> Su.
19:14>> Yes. So how you met him. Sro was very
19:16buzzy.
19:18>> Very cool.
19:19>> Yeah.
19:19>> The one that makes me smile almost.
19:21>> I know. I'm smiling.
19:22>> Yeah. It [laughter] was
19:24>> It was very buzzy. So teenage lovey. So
19:26how do you live like that and then not
19:29have any conversations any
19:32um ra connection? We did have ra
19:35connection but at the time like I said I
19:38was more so focused on what I wanted to
19:41do here
19:42>> and
19:43because I also know there's more within
19:45the book that I really wanted to say
19:49>> the things that happened within that
19:51time period wasn't it didn't move the
19:53relation forward and it didn't move it
19:55was nothing you know try I'm trying to
19:58also I'm trying to get my life together
19:59I'm trying to do this out
20:00>> you're joining the military I'm trying
20:01I'm not I'm trying not to die
20:03>> you see what I mean So how do I at the
20:05same time keep up with with with such
20:07but
20:08>> as much as they could they were still
20:10present in a way you know
20:12>> um but again I joined the military and
20:15you know I went to boot camp and I mean
20:18>> tell me how you almost died.
20:19>> Okay.
20:21So one thing about anybody from in
20:23Nigeria is especially my my mom always
20:26tell you
20:28pool which means if you go to the
20:30swimming pool like we have this fear
20:32around water like if you swim if you get
20:35that you are dying I know she will
20:37always tell us like stories of people
20:38that you know something happen they
20:40drink water now wash them to the shore I
20:43know right yes
20:45>> and so when I knew I wanted to join the
20:46navy I knew that I had to learn how to
20:48swim and that was one of the most tri
20:52trying time of my life cuz mainland is a
20:54very cold um state and I didn't have a
20:58car so I would enter the bus I would go
21:00to the pool I will swim I'll be
21:02shivering but while I was learning how
21:04to swim I was actually learning how to
21:05swim I didn't learn how to float
21:07>> because in my head what I needed to do
21:09was swim
21:10>> and so obviously you get to they can
21:12read all that in the book you get to
21:13boot camp I passed my swim test now it's
21:16time for me to float
21:17>> I cannot float
21:20You almost drowned.
21:21>> Almost drowned. And that happened for
21:23several severally, right? And the way it
21:26is in the military is they tell you go
21:28to the deep water. Just just be going.
21:31>> Be going.
21:32>> God will be with you and then they watch
21:34you. If you are drowning, there are
21:36there are divers in the bottom of the
21:37pool that will pull you up. You know,
21:39maybe they will let you feel it. Just
21:41feel the a little bit.
21:42>> A little bit to know that next time, you
21:44know, swim or sing. And that's that's
21:45that's the thing. And I remember
21:47>> how many times did you try
21:49>> if I couldn't count? I could not. But I
21:52remember one thing that was in my head
21:54like I don't have a plan B.
21:56>> M
21:57>> I can't go back home as a failure. What
22:00am I going to do from here? Sugar.
22:03You've done the hardest part which is
22:04the swim.
22:05>> Mhm.
22:05>> You really The swim is the hardest part.
22:08But I have to float for 5 minutes. And
22:10every time I would go, I would get to 4
22:11minutes something seconds. 4 minutes
22:13something seconds. And they will not
22:14tell you the time. You're just floating.
22:16Were you floating? You were facing the
22:18water.
22:18>> Yes. So you have to hold your breath.
22:20>> Yes. So you float. You're in the deep
22:22water. You're floating. You come off a
22:24hair. You go back there.
22:27>> They're doing that just in case just if
22:30there's a situation of men overboard.
22:31They have a time now at least 5 minutes
22:33for you for somebody comes to rescue
22:35you. So you have to learn how to survive
22:37in the deep water. So that's what you're
22:40trying to do. They won't time you. And
22:42so when you panic obviously you start
22:45drowning and so when you panic they they
22:48have this long pole that they
22:50>> stretch into get out recruit
22:53recruit and I'm always cursing and
22:54things like that. So you yourself are
22:56panicking, you are drowning, they
22:57shouting you, you're thinking what do
22:58you want? Do you want me to die or DO
22:59YOU WANT ME TO COME UP? WHAT DO YOU
23:01WANT?
23:01>> I'm teaching you focus. Focus.
23:03>> And so I remember the day I passed. I
23:06went and I said if I did not hear 5
23:10minutes has passed, I will not come out.
23:12Now if my enemy would die here, let me
23:14die here. At that point, I'd called my
23:17mom. I'd called my dad. I'd called my
23:19pastor whenever we have time to call and
23:21things like that. I said, "Oh, God, I
23:25would go back home as what now?
23:26>> What would I tell people?" You know, and
23:29then that day I just entered the water
23:30and I kept going. I come up,
23:33[snorts] I go back in.
23:34>> Yeah.
23:35>> Come, I go back in and I kept going. I'm
23:36like, I don't know. And then I mean,
23:38time get out. I was like, I don't know.
23:41Cuz it's a lot of people. You don't know
23:43what time it is. Who they talking to?
23:45>> I was hearing the the P on my back. I
23:48said, where are you calling?
23:49>> [laughter]
23:49>> I'm still going AND THEY GET OUT 5
23:52MINUTE 13 SECONDS. I SAID 5 minutes 13
23:56seconds [snorts and laughter]
23:57because this is not me.
23:58>> I'm not I'm leaving. I'm stay here.
24:00Yeah,
24:00>> I can still go. But yeah, that's how I
24:03passed my flow test and then officially
24:06became a United States seller.
24:08>> Yay.
24:09I was so proud of you reading that. Like
24:12I just kept going back and going back
24:13and going back and that felt like the
24:15beginning of good things.
24:17>> Yes. for you in the United States
24:19because when you join military like that
24:21you get your your passport.
24:22>> Yes. You get you get you get your
24:24citizenship.
24:24>> Citizenship. When you got your passport,
24:26you were seeing su at the time.
24:28>> Your communication had gotten better at
24:30the time.
24:31>> And then what happened?
24:32>> It was my birthday.
24:33>> Yes.
24:34>> I wanted to go to Dubai for my birthday
24:36and we hadn't seen each other um since I
24:38left Nigeria.
24:39>> Exactly. So which was a shock to me.
24:40We've not seen each other since she left
24:42Nigeria. I've not heard anything. Next
24:43thing she's going on birthday vacation.
24:46That was exactly what it felt like
24:47>> when you left Dubai. Your communication
24:50increased, got better.
24:52>> I know where you're getting to now.
24:54[laughter]
24:56Jesus. Okay. Okay. Okay. Can you read
24:58the book?
24:58>> You getting commission got better, you
25:01know, and
25:02>> you felt like you're I'm in a
25:04relationship now. Like you felt really
25:06>> Yeah.
25:06>> serious. Yeah.
25:08>> Okay.
25:08>> And he was living in Turkey at this
25:10time. So you went to Turkey.
25:11>> Yeah.
25:12>> What happened in Turkey?
25:15I mean now Sugar would say she was
25:17bamboozled but then Sugar
25:20I think I would say I had the best at
25:23the time the best day of my life.
25:24>> Do you want to tell me? Don't let me
25:26ask. Tell me what happened cuz I have a
25:28question for you about what happened
25:30there. Tell me what happened in Turkey.
25:34>> See it's now
25:36>> I got proposed to.
25:37>> Okay.
25:39Do you want to say that you didn't know?
25:40Because guys the whole process was so
25:43>> fuzzy. I like, "Oh my god, she's going
25:44to find out." And you did not find out.
25:46>> I did not find out.
25:47>> It was very nice. I liked it. I smiled a
25:49lot. And as I said, do you are you
25:50telling me that you didn't know that
25:51that proposal was going to happen?
25:52>> Time I didn't know.
25:53>> And it was so good. The proposal was did
25:56well.
25:57>> It was really good. It was really good.
25:59>> And on the day of the proposal,
26:02>> after the proposal,
26:03>> he said, "What did he say to you?"
26:06>> So after the proposal, I remember we got
26:07to the room and I was high on emotions.
26:10Again, when you read the book, you
26:11probably know why.
26:12>> Yeah. And then you know the conversation
26:16of what do we do from here?
26:17>> Mhm.
26:18>> I was like we continue to live our lives
26:20and it's like you know it will be better
26:23you know for us to you know get closer
26:25live together. I was like yeah that's
26:28always the goal.
26:29>> Mhm. [snorts]
26:31>> And then
26:31>> you want to go there.
26:33>> I'm going there.
26:34>> And then he said
26:37let's go get married in Nigeria. Let's
26:39go get married because I mean that's the
26:41next step, you know, get engaged. And
26:44what did you say?
26:46>> Yes.
26:46>> How were you feeling
26:48>> at the time?
26:49>> Yes.
26:50>> Happy.
26:50>> Yeah.
26:52>> Overjoyed cuz I'd just seen this the
26:55best at the time the best surprise of my
26:58life.
26:59>> It was a beautiful proposal.
27:01>> It was beautiful. And if this is a
27:04person that I truly truly wanted to
27:06spend the rest of my life with,
27:08regardless of what they had said to do
27:11>> and not to do.
27:12>> Mhm.
27:13>> Let's do Were you in love?
27:19>> I was I was shocked.
27:21I remember when I would sit by myself
27:24and I would look at the ring, I would
27:26think and that's the reason why I didn't
27:28know it was for me because I didn't
27:29think we were there because I could say
27:32we had a gap in our relationship.
27:33>> I was shocked.
27:34>> Yeah. And so for me it was almost like
27:38and that's why I couldn't again that's
27:40why I couldn't guess it because like
27:42>> and it was believable for what it was
27:44>> the person.
27:45>> Yes. It was believable for me. M
27:47>> I I was shocked but then again it made
27:50sense because
27:51>> what made sense that he would propose?
27:53>> Yeah. Even to me I was like it's not
27:54like I have anybody else.
27:56>> Mhm.
27:56>> And it's not like I don't like them
28:00>> because you were in Nigeria you dated
28:02for a year.
28:02>> Yeah.
28:03>> Before you left for Yes.
28:05>> And it's like I don't mind it.
28:08>> Like what are you supposed to do when
28:10you get proposed to in such a way?
28:11>> Were you in love?
28:14I have to be honest with myself at the
28:16time I don't even know if I knew what
28:18love meant
28:19>> what love means at the time
28:21>> because if I look at the trajectory of
28:23everybody I dated up until then
28:27>> I would say at the time I felt joy I
28:30felt special
28:32>> I felt
28:34>> almost honored in a way
28:36>> because of everything that happened
28:37around it so was I in love
28:40>> I can't say absolutely yes or no but I
28:42had those feelings that could translate
28:44a feeling of love
28:44>> to love. Yes. I mean, I can understand
28:46seeing me smiling, telling you guys how
28:49the proposal was. It was Do you know I
28:51had tears in my eyes? I'm serious
28:53reading it. I'm like, a this is so cool.
28:56>> No, I'm telling you, people.
28:58>> No, no, no. So, I did have tears like,
28:59"Oh, this is so cool." Even though I
29:02even know the end of the story and I
29:04still had tears in my eyes
29:05>> thinking about the proposal, not
29:07thinking reading the proposal in front
29:08of me, you know. So I understand how you
29:10could feel such joy, such amazingness
29:14and immediately you said makeup. What am
29:18I going to wear? Who am I going to?
29:20Because when you said yes to to the
29:22propos to going to Nigeria to get
29:24married, doing your court wedding and
29:26all of that, you immediately knew you
29:28knew it was immediate, right? Like we're
29:30going to it. And then when you said,
29:33>> uh, I want makeup. I want
29:35>> Yeah. He said it wasn't necessary.
29:36>> I'm going to read what he said.
29:39>> [laughter]
29:43>> I want my makeup professionally done
29:45too.
29:47He said, "Sugar, it's not that serious.
29:50You just proposed to somebody. She's
29:52just joyous. You're going to Nigeria for
29:54your court wedding." And this is a
29:56conversation that's happening
29:57immediately after. Um, Sugar said, "It's
30:01for me. Even if we are not going to post
30:03it, I still want to look decent."
30:07Sorrow Sugar's X says, "Wear something
30:11you already have. Do your own makeup. Do
30:14not make this into what it is not."
30:20That's what he said. And when you heard
30:23that,
30:25how there was nothing. Nothing. No. No.
30:29Red pink. Another color. Give another
30:31color close to red. Purple.
30:34>> Okay.
30:35>> Nothing.
30:38At the time I thought what what what
30:40that meant to me was don't turn it into
30:43an act. This is not this is not I'm this
30:48is not a
30:52like this is we're still going to have a
30:54bit kind of like this is we're just
30:56doing this for right now. The good one
30:58is still we're still going to have a
30:59good one. Kind of like that. That's what
31:01it felt to me
31:03that we're still going to have the real
31:05one. This is just to get us through this
31:08process. So, somebody proposes to you
31:11maybe. [laughter]
31:12And then you say you're going to the
31:14cuts. You're going to cut for
31:17and then you say, "I want to look good.
31:18I want to look nice." And he says,
31:20"Don't turn this into what it's not." I
31:23have been seeing red flags all through
31:25the book. This was this was
31:28traffic lights blinking at me, you know.
31:30And I when I turned the page, I hoped
31:33you would see it. You did not see it.
31:37>> Yes. Cuz I didn't I didn't I
31:38>> You didn't think about it like that.
31:40>> I understood what it was. Now I see I
31:43see it for what it is now. But at the
31:45time I'd seen it as okay, sugar. I mean,
31:48this isn't
31:49>> And also you have to remember nobody was
31:51aware of this. Of course.
31:53>> Yeah. and nobody was aware of this. So
31:56to me it was like yeah why would you
31:58want to make it a big deal even if your
32:01not even my parents was aware of it you
32:03know so it made sense to me.
32:05>> Okay. And then we went to Nigeria
32:09for the for the for the court wedding.
32:12>> Yeah.
32:12>> Okay. I would not be
32:17truthful to you, to the a to the
32:19community, to everybody watching if I
32:21said that at the point I said, "Sugar,
32:25what the blink out at this point when
32:30you went to Nigeria to get married
32:34without telling anybody."
32:35>> Yes.
32:37And
32:38from the courtroom, give me a quick
32:41summary about what happened that day on
32:44the day of your court wedding into the
32:47next day.
32:50>> I don't know.
32:52>> Yeah. I've always loved to give and at
32:55the time even though it felt like I was
32:58getting married, I thought I was giving
33:01something for my own future. What was
33:04this?
33:05>> Marriage
33:07>> having my partner close to me.
33:09>> Close to you because
33:10>> living a life together eventually
33:12>> in America because as soon as you got
33:14engaged and he said let's get married he
33:17mentioned it
33:18>> so that you can file for me and I can
33:20come to America.
33:22>> So on the day of the court wedding when
33:24you
33:25>> got married
33:25>> got married to him
33:27>> you felt like everything that happened
33:29was a sacrifice that you had to do.
33:30>> Yes. Something happened on that day that
33:32made me say, "Sugar, what's what are you
33:34doing?"
33:35>> So, the makeup one.
33:36>> No, the food
33:39you went to eat.
33:40>> Oh,
33:42AFTER IT WAS THE DAY AFTER.
33:44>> It wasn't the day.
33:45>> It wasn't the day of the wedding. It was
33:47the day after.
33:48>> Okay. So, the day after the wedding.
33:50>> Yeah. Cuz remember now before then we've
33:52been in Lagos and we've been I've been
33:54almost like hiding, right? So, when we
33:57went for the wedding, people were there.
33:59none of which are mine. Right. So, but
34:02I've always wanted to eat local amala.
34:04Like I'm from a bad I love amala and
34:06things like that. So the next day was
34:07almost like street.
34:09>> It was the next day. So you went to eat
34:11local food the next day after the day.
34:13What happened then?
34:17>> Bougie American. I'm just kidding. So
34:20you see sometimes I like to make fun of
34:22my own trauma. It was like talk. Okay.
34:24So I remember that day we had it was me,
34:28two of his friends and four of us. We
34:31went to this local place and I I think
34:32it was in a ka it's like a local amala
34:35place and usually there's like a bench.
34:37They have like wooden bench, wooden
34:40table, another wooden bench. And I was
34:42sitting on the extreme end, he was
34:45sitting next to me. Two friends were
34:46sitting opposite of me. And obviously
34:49you go order your food and then you just
34:50wait for them to bring your food for
34:52you. That's how local things, local
34:54restaurant work in Nigeria. And there's
34:56like a big bowl of water on the side
34:59where people wash, wash your hand before
35:01you eat with your own hands. And so
35:03everybody stood up, wash their hands. I
35:06did the same thing. And it was his turn
35:08to wash his hand. And he asked me to
35:09like pull the water under the table,
35:12pull it closer to him so he could wash
35:14his own hands. And so I said, you know,
35:17almost like this, like you can just
35:20>> cuz I'm not touching that. I'm not
35:22touching that. Lean over to wash. And
35:24then he said,
35:25>> "No, pull it closer." And I said,
35:28>> "This is and that kind of water is
35:31always nasty. It's not just like
35:32ordinary water. You have like oil, food
35:35particles, and things like that." So I'm
35:37like, "No, like just get up."
35:40>> Mhm.
35:41>> You know, and he got angry.
35:44>> I remember one of the friends sitting
35:46across that said, you know, get up and
35:49wash your hand. And it's likeah, you
35:50know, no, no, tell me.
35:52>> Bring that water here. And I said, no.
35:54And it's like, oh, I'm for me because
35:56I'm from America. Like, I don't want to
35:58listen. Like, is it because you're from
35:59America, you think you're better than
36:01this? Like, this is something that you
36:02in front of people
36:03>> in front of people, people eating his
36:05friends and things like that. So, um, he
36:07eventually got out cuz I'm not going to
36:08touch that. One thing I'm not going to
36:10do is touch dirty water.
36:11>> Touch dirty water. And so, but I paid
36:14for it dearly. I didn't touch that
36:16water. But if I knew was coming for me,
36:18I would have touched [laughter] the
36:19water. IF I KNEW IT WAS COMING FOR ME.
36:23That was how my life in fact. So I
36:26didn't touch the water and everything
36:27just went crazy from there.
36:31>> I wish I because see guys
36:33>> that was that was the day after the
36:35marriage by the way.
36:36>> Exactly. And because I keep saying there
36:38are so many wild things that have even
36:39happened before this time is why I want
36:41this to be the crux of this hour
36:43interview. Do you understand what I'm
36:45saying? And so when you didn't touch the
36:47water and you were on your way home and
36:49then what?
36:50>> So as we left I was feeling sick,
36:53>> extremely sick. The food was too
36:54pepperish. In fact, I was regretting why
36:56I came there. I was sweating profusely.
36:58I was walking on the back. Three of them
37:00were work walking ahead of me. But I
37:02remember one of the friend was pacing
37:04behind so that I could catch up to him.
37:07>> And when we got to the car, they all got
37:10into the car and they locked me out. M
37:12>> said you're not coming into the car.
37:13>> Said I'm not coming in the car.
37:15>> Mhm.
37:15>> And then I was you know knocking and
37:17it's like you're not coming in the car.
37:18The friends are like you know let her in
37:20and she's like no it's like no and he
37:23said some nasty things you know your
37:25father didn't get
37:27to you for me kind of like that you know
37:29>> which means your father did not buy this
37:31car. So you're not getting in this car.
37:33>> And I, you know, right there at that
37:36time I was already starting to sweat
37:38profusely cuz my stomach was, you know,
37:41when you want to have like this hot
37:42diarrhea in hot in hotness and you know
37:47I think one of the friends later calm me
37:49down and he just opened the door, told
37:52me to enter and then he took me to the
37:53next place that we're going. Eventually
37:57>> you resolved it
37:58>> and you went back home. and he went back
38:00home and eventually he joined you in
38:04America.
38:04>> Yeah.
38:05>> Right. And all of these things again so
38:08many things happened in between the time
38:11of this event and the time of um him
38:15coming to join you in America finally.
38:18And in the middle of that between on the
38:20the day of the court and the day time
38:22that he joined you at any point in that
38:25time did you think I should cut this
38:27off?
38:27>> Uh-uh. 3 million one times.
38:30>> Which one is
38:31>> But you did not.
38:32>> Yes.
38:34>> Proudly.
38:36[laughter]
38:40>> She said that if you're going to suffer
38:42last you will suffer that suffer until
38:43you get to where Yeah. But I think one
38:46of the reasons we're telling this story
38:47so that people don't do that
38:49>> and that's why I said the book is very
38:52vulnerable.
38:53>> Yeah. This is where again I see a lot of
38:57these stories and I read a story like
38:59this and I you know feel empathy. I feel
39:03so many things right and then I get to
39:05the place of disappointment
39:08>> where it feels to me that it's when
39:12there's niceness comes in and the
39:15niceness comes in sometimes in monetary
39:18ways. Yeah.
39:20>> And you switch that to love. Yeah.
39:24>> How do you process that
39:26>> with me? You know, as somebody who knows
39:28you and those who read the book, there
39:30was a time that you got robbed
39:32>> and by that time he had done something
39:35so crazy that there's no way that this
39:37relationship should ever
39:38>> go back
39:39>> go back. But then he gave you $5,000 and
39:41he went back to the relationship.
39:43>> Tell me what your thought process was.
39:45>> Cuz that's how I show love.
39:48>> By giving. So when somebody gives you,
39:50they love you.
39:52That was my love language and also
39:57accountability, survival.
40:00>> Um,
40:03but it was not survival out of
40:04desperity. It was survival that I felt
40:06in love, you know,
40:08>> also explain.
40:09>> So, I got robbed. And I feel like I've
40:13always said this to people close to me,
40:14like
40:16I feel like
40:18the way God has designed my life, I
40:21can't do something for you if I don't
40:23feel a certain way.
40:25>> And I always tell people like you, you
40:27cannot say I love you if I've not done
40:30something for you. That's the way I show
40:32love.
40:32>> And so sometimes you mistake the way you
40:35receive love
40:36>> for how
40:38>> people you show you love for how you
40:40receive love.
40:41>> Yes. And so at the time, like you said,
40:43I was almost helpless. I was getting
40:45into another phase of my life. I had
40:48been robbed of everything that I've ever
40:50ever ever done.
40:51>> And this person comes in,
40:54>> saves the day.
40:55>> Saves the day. So for me, it's like,
40:58man.
40:59>> Yeah. Because the way you went back
41:00after that $5,000,
41:01>> I was disappointed. [laughter]
41:04>> You just went back.
41:06What am I supposed to do? would say guys
41:08this book is crazy after crazy because
41:11[laughter]
41:12because when I got to that part I'm like
41:14don't take the money don't take the
41:15money don't take the money and she took
41:16the money okay don't come back and then
41:18she like
41:20at this point you have to take
41:22responsibility for your actions
41:24>> as an adult who can see but sometimes I
41:28know that many people even with strong
41:30will cuz you are a strong girl
41:32>> can still fall into this pattern of he
41:35loves me if he gives me money maybe
41:37That's love you cuz he's a Nigerian man
41:40>> and that's
41:41>> that's how they also express many of
41:42them.
41:43>> Yeah. Many of them
41:44>> feel like
41:45>> especially my own situation I feel like
41:47there was nothing else I was there was I
41:49didn't I wasn't shown love in any other
41:53way than that. After you went back to
41:56him at this time again too many things
41:58had happened before then.
42:01>> Another thing happened.
42:03>> He got dragged on insta blog Niger. Why
42:06did you [laughter]
42:08dec?
42:11[screaming]
42:12Oh yeah.
42:14>> Yeah.
42:14>> Clock in my tea.
42:16>> Yeah.
42:17>> I want you to tell me how you even found
42:19out that
42:20>> he was drunk.
42:21>> It was summer semester in nursing
42:23school. Nursing school is hard. And so
42:26summer semester is even twice as hard.
42:29And um I at the time they were working
42:32out of state and I was obviously in
42:35nursing school at the time and I woke up
42:37that morning to several
42:41notifications.
42:43I god forbid when you live abroad and
42:45your phone is going off you're thinking
42:49did somebody die? Jesus Christ. And so
42:51waking up to my phone I'm like God God
42:54what do I do? And so I entered
42:57Instagram.
42:59I opened the said blog. It was a
43:03carousel. And the first one I actually
43:05have it on my phone. I can watch it cuz
43:08I try not to remember those things. But
43:09the first one was,
43:10>> you know how the blogs usually caption
43:12things? They'll tell you Nigerian men
43:14got dragged. This was their caption.
43:16Nigerian men got dragged by their
43:18girlfriend because they were trying to
43:20date their friend.
43:22I mean I was like why are people sending
43:24me this? one is my own.
43:27>> And so I continued to watch one slide
43:29after one slide and it was this girl um
43:32yelling at them like literally following
43:35them camera and we're like um son of a
43:38gone. You think you can play me? You
43:39think you can play my friend? And as
43:41they were following after them they were
43:44going into a restaurant and at the point
43:46I still haven't seen them because it's
43:48almost like when someone is trying to
43:49record you, they're record the person is
43:50following after you in front. So I'm
43:53still like
43:54>> you know this son of a gun
43:57>> cuz I there are son of a gun they're
43:59trying to date you and your friend
44:01>> and then they sat down they were on
44:03their phone they didn't realize the
44:04person was recording but the person was
44:06still yelling this is my friend I love
44:09her this is my friend you're not going
44:11to do that you're going to bring my
44:12friend on a date and the parent was
44:15saying look at you think you're smart
44:17what do you have and then they looked up
44:20that's when they realized is they were
44:22being so they were trying to stop and
44:25I'm like
44:27>> is that my husband?
44:31>> No, hold on. What is going on here? Then
44:34I swipe
44:37and then I see my husband at the time
44:42in a white tank top cooking a goosey you
44:48know and the guy the girl had like had
44:50her phone up and it's like oh my man
44:52cooking for me
44:54>> man your husband
44:56>> okay
44:57>> and then you know opening the port of
44:58agusi and everything were going on and
45:00the next slide was my husband at the
45:02time's chat with the person's friend
45:05also saying things like hi I really like
45:08you can I hang out with you and it was
45:10like multiple slides and
45:14>> yeah
45:16[clears throat]
45:17how did you feel
45:20because you were you were just gotten
45:23back into the relationship he had just
45:25begged you for something else it's not
45:27this $5,000
45:28>> another thing had happened apologized
45:30for it you were in a good place and you
45:32saw this Yeah.
45:34>> How did you feel?
45:35>> Honestly,
45:38I'm not going to lie. I knew right there
45:40that
45:42>> Okay, another one.
45:44>> Mhm. Not I'm done.
45:46>> Not I'm done.
45:48>> Not I'm completely done because at the
45:51time we had we had been entangled more
45:54than I anticipated. After the whole
45:57Insta blog Niger saga, you said it
46:00wasn't you didn't think you were done.
46:02You just knew that it's another chapter.
46:04We move, right? But you couldn't stop
46:06looking at those girls pages. I couldn't
46:09stop. And
46:12I would go back and look at those girls
46:15pages. I would stalk them day and night
46:19because I had already at that point, I
46:22would say, gained about 50 to 60 lbs
46:26>> from nursing school and the stress of it
46:29all.
46:29>> Mhm. And before then, you know, you
46:33would, you know, men would make com, no
46:34men, but it would make comments like,
46:36"Oh, you know, you don't like wearing
46:37things from Fashion Nova or this like
46:39that."
46:39>> Who would make comments?
46:40>> My ex-husband, you know, like, "You
46:42don't like wearing things from Fashion
46:43Nova, you know, trying to shop." And I'm
46:45like, "Um,
46:45>> like dress sexy."
46:47>> Yeah. It wouldn't say verb sexy, but I
46:50would look at those model and look at
46:51myself and be like,
46:52>> "Where does this want to fit
46:54>> my pot belly, you know?" And so I was
46:58trying to at the time truthfully
47:02I'm just trying to see what what what
47:04made him about them cuz those were the
47:07people at the time that I
47:09>> can actually
47:11>> see that was not the first time you know
47:14he would do something like that but this
47:16is the first time I I can actually go to
47:18their page and look at them. You know
47:19you could read a text message of your
47:21husband cheating and not know who this
47:22person are. Maybe you just saw their
47:24picture, but these people
47:28so I'm looking at their vacation. I'm
47:30looking at their mannerism. I'm looking
47:32at the way they do their hair. I'm
47:33looking at myself with them. I'm like my
47:35braid is tattered. Obviously, I'm in
47:36nursing school. I'm not dressing nice.
47:38So, a part of me was also in a way
47:40rationalizing like, yeah, it makes
47:42sense, you know. And at that time, he
47:44had made some requests from me as well.
47:46>> That won't make sense.
47:48It makes sense that it felt attracted to
47:50them
47:51>> because I I I was nothing like them at
47:54the time,
47:55>> you know, maybe twice their size,
47:57>> you know, they had their makeup done. I
47:59can't even remember the last time I pick
48:00up a makeup brush. All I'm picking up is
48:02book and reading and trying to succeed.
48:05>> And so for a man that has had history or
48:08something like that, to me at the time
48:10it was like, yeah, I mean, out of sight,
48:13out of reach. And they were also in the
48:14city where he was working at the time.
48:16And you filed for divorce.
48:18>> Yeah.
48:19>> But you didn't go through with it.
48:20>> No.
48:21>> No. You got back together again.
48:22[clears throat]
48:23>> Yeah.
48:24>> And there was something you wrote in the
48:25book and I said, I have to ask you this.
48:28You went and got a lipo suction.
48:29>> Yeah.
48:30>> Done.
48:30>> Yeah.
48:31>> And you said I'm very I'm quoting as you
48:33said it. I did this for me.
48:35>> Yeah.
48:36>> Did you?
48:45>> Yes. enough.
48:46>> Yes. Because in spite of him not wanting
48:49it, I did it anyways.
48:52>> And that was where I wanted it
48:57because I wanted to appease to him.
49:00>> You wanted to make him attracted
49:02>> attracted to me, right? And then when I
49:05expressed it, it was on board. But as
49:06you tell in the book, a lot of things
49:08happened where he said, "No, you're not
49:09doing it." And at that point was when it
49:12changed from I want to do this to look
49:15sexy for this man to I want this for me
49:18>> and in spite of what it is even if
49:20you're not going to support I'll get
49:22>> to do it because I believe that in some
49:25way your mind was this should make him
49:28more attracted to me. This should make
49:30him stay since those other girls look
49:32this way. I also can attract him like
49:36that. When you were going through that
49:38phase of not being sure of yourself,
49:41what assurance did you get from him as
49:44your husband? I didn't express it.
49:47>> Oh,
49:47>> they were all
49:50silent. internalized
49:51>> internalized
49:52>> you know but
49:56>> I was also checking checking to see is
49:59there a new person
50:01>> you know just so I could you know maybe
50:05see and know you know maybe what they
50:07attracted to
50:09>> kind of very shameful to talk about but
50:11>> you know it's just like but I didn't see
50:14anybody and they had promised me I was
50:15like okay no
50:16>> I I won't do this again
50:18>> so yeah I'll do this
50:19>> and after you got your lipos suction.
50:20You became sexy sugar.
50:22>> Yes.
50:22>> Was this when he asked for a threesome?
50:31So if I would remember vividly, I think
50:35that I can't remember exactly when it
50:38started,
50:39>> but when it started to be it started
50:42getting attached to a particular person,
50:44I remember the timeline of that one.
50:45>> Okay. You can't remember if the
50:47threesome was before or after the lipo
50:49suction. It has to be after.
50:50>> Yes.
50:51>> But when it started Exactly.
50:53>> Yeah.
50:54>> I don't know.
50:55>> But when it started getting attached to
50:57a particular person,
50:59>> you know, when it was constantly asked
51:01in like you read it in the book,
51:03>> I knew the timeline of that.
51:05>> You said no.
51:06>> Yeah.
51:06>> Okay. Yeah.
51:07>> And then he asked you again.
51:08>> Yeah. And again.
51:10>> And how many times did he ask you? I
51:12would say
51:14if we got intimates
51:1710 times, they would ask 9.5 times.
51:20>> Wow.
51:21>> It was constant.
51:22>> Were you ever tempted to say yes?
51:24>> Yes.
51:26>> Why didn't you do it even though you
51:28were tempted?
51:29>> I would say yes every time they asked.
51:30>> Oh, you would?
51:31>> Yeah. But because there was no means.
51:34Because if I didn't say yes, it would
51:36keep going.
51:37>> You know what I'm like, let's do it.
51:39Yeah, we'll do it. just cuz they're
51:40asking during the act. It's not a
51:43question and this is not a conversation
51:45that we would have, you know, outside of
51:47sex.
51:47>> Outside of sex, it's during the act.
51:49>> Every time you're having sex, but well,
51:50many times that you have sex, it says,
51:52"Let's have a three
51:54>> and you say, okay, so that you can just
51:56>> finish up. Let's finish."
51:57>> But the conversation wouldn't carry on
51:59after that. Never.
52:00>> And all of this he said,
52:02you know, um, let's do this before we
52:05have kids.
52:06>> But you absolutely refused to have kids.
52:08>> Yes.
52:09At the back of your mind, what was your
52:11real reason?
52:15>> Seriously?
52:16>> Yes.
52:16>> I wasn't ready.
52:19>> And if I had managed this situation
52:21until I was ready, I would have had kids
52:23with them.
52:24>> Me not having kids, it was because I
52:27know exactly how I grew up. And I was
52:29trying to lay financial
52:32>> foundation first.
52:34>> Okay. Now when things started to look
52:37good for me financially and I started to
52:40come to terms with now eventually having
52:43kids then I started for a lack of better
52:46word deeping things that was going on.
52:49And as I was realizing some problems
52:52that could
52:54may not be good. I was also finding
52:56solutions to it financially.
52:58>> Kind of like, okay, maybe if we have
53:02kids together and God forbid they cheat,
53:04you know, I'll just go raise my kids by
53:06myself, you know? I'm this is me, not
53:08not to them. Like this is me just
53:11>> thinking thinking like cuz at the time
53:14>> we were married.
53:16>> So regardless of what I do, it would be
53:19a divorce,
53:20>> you know.
53:22So you you knew I'm going to go there
53:25later, but you knew that there's a very
53:28high likelihood that this will not end
53:30well.
53:30>> Yes.
53:31>> So if we have kids, I need to be able to
53:32take care of them myself.
53:36>> Yeah, that's sad.
53:37>> Yeah, it's sad.
53:38>> Yeah.
53:38>> In retrospect, I see by the time I
53:41thought just like everything else that
53:43was going good in my life, I was
53:45planning well
53:46>> cuz I feel like one thing I knew how to
53:48do was plan.
53:50>> You you knew how to plan. you know how
53:51to plan. You're very driven, very
53:53active. You see a business apprentichip,
53:55you you take it and you make it work for
53:57yourself. That's that's really amazing.
54:00And then all of these things we're
54:01talking about still looks fine and dandy
54:05until we get to physical abuse because
54:08in the middle of all of this, again,
54:10like I said, this book is wild. Okay,
54:12you guys, so many things have happened
54:14that as you read on, you would ask
54:16yourself, when is this going to stop?
54:19Because it looks like as you turn the
54:21page, you expect you begin to expect
54:25all of these things to happen. You begin
54:26to expect these bad things to happen and
54:28they continue to happen. Don't worry.
54:30But the scenario is so different that
54:33it's not the same as the last time, but
54:36it's still bad. And then you got to the
54:38physical abuse. And I have to be honest
54:40with you, I was waiting for that
54:43>> cuz I said [clears throat] there's no
54:43way this relationship will be this toxic
54:46and it will not get there. And it got
54:48there. Tell me about the first day that
54:50I
54:51>> No, the first and only time.
54:53>> Yes.
54:54>> Um,
54:55until tomorrow like and I like I did
54:58account in the book.
54:59>> Mhm.
55:02>> I and I know my therapist will probably
55:05slap me across the face for this, but
55:10I charged at them.
55:12>> Okay. you know, and I was very
55:16frustrated
55:17>> cuz you obviously saw what led to that.
55:20>> Mhm.
55:21>> Um
55:26I just know that that day
55:33I'm ashamed. I don't know how to talk
55:34about this.
55:37I I honestly I don't know how to talk
55:39about it. What?
55:45[sighs and gasps]
55:54I don't know.
55:56I don't know what that
55:59sugar
56:01is.
56:02>> The sugar that charged at him.
56:04>> Yeah. But I was I was frustrated.
56:08I was I'd been
56:11called everything but the child of God
56:14>> and I just wanted it to stop, you know.
56:21>> And so when I did, I realized I'd made a
56:25mistake.
56:28>> And because
56:30of my action, I thought I deserve
56:33everything that
56:34>> everything else that came after.
56:35>> Yeah. M
56:38yeah and and
56:41being charged at them. It's not like I
56:43lay my hands to them. I just
56:44>> You held him by the shirt.
56:46>> Yeah, I run him by the shirt.
56:47>> Yeah. [clears throat]
56:48And
56:50throughout the book, I I read I I I
56:53waited a a bit to see not waited, I I
56:57flipped through like I was reading very
56:58fast to get to the place where it was
57:01acknowledged that this is physical abuse
57:05between both of you.
57:06>> We never did.
57:07>> You never did.
57:07>> Yeah.
57:08>> Yeah.
57:09>> I never did. And I remember
57:11after I held them by their shirt and
57:13they physically violated me
57:16>> beyond what you did
57:18>> what I could imagine actually.
57:21>> Um
57:25>> I remember when they came to me in my
57:27room that I was laying
57:30that I was sleeping.
57:32>> M
57:34>> they came to your room.
57:35>> Yeah.
57:37And
57:39because they know that I'm always
57:41recording.
57:43>> Thank you so much. Because they know
57:44that I'm always recording.
57:48The first thing they started with is if
57:50you didn't charge at me, I wouldn't do
57:52this.
57:53>> It's your fault.
57:54>> It's your fault.
57:56>> You know, and so also when they will
58:00attempt to apologize within it,
58:02>> they would also say that,
58:04>> you know, kind of like if you want to
58:06take this up, you know, I mean,
58:09>> what happens if you want to take it up?
58:11>> It's both of us cuz you charge at me. I
58:14I guess physically violated you. You
58:16know, who do you want to send this to?
58:18Who do you want to tell this to? And
58:20that's why even though I reported to
58:22everybody after that, I
58:25>> I told everybody what I told them wasn't
58:27what happened.
58:28>> Yeah. Yeah. And that's, you know, for
58:33Yeah.
58:37this part of the story we're getting to
58:40the place where it felt like backto back
58:45problems.
58:46>> Yeah.
58:46>> And at this time you had social media.
58:50Social media was where you start you had
58:53started making money from there.
58:55>> Mhm. And after every problem, you would
58:58press record
59:00and you would record. And hey guys,
59:08it's okay.
59:11It's okay.
59:12And that was why the book is so
59:14important to me cuz
59:17even though it felt like I was hiding,
59:19that was also my safe space.
59:22>> That was the only place where
59:25>> [snorts]
59:26>> Well, I think I was fully accepted for
59:29who.
59:30>> Can I have a tissues? [snorts] Who I was
59:32becoming.
59:33>> Yeah. Thank you.
59:35>> My community did rock with me.
59:38>> Mhm.
59:39>> At the time, I would even go live twice
59:41a day.
59:42>> Yes.
59:42>> Cuz I just wanted to escape life. I
59:44wanted to escape my reality.
59:47And whenever I would do that, I would be
59:53everything would just go well. [snorts]
59:55>> You know, my sales would jump up, my
59:58followership would go up,
1:00:00and I felt like my life can't be that
1:00:03bad if I'm having this much reward. If
1:00:05you're having this much success,
1:00:12I'm sorry.
1:00:15I'm not going to lie, I regret it.
1:00:17>> Why regret social media?
1:00:20>> I regret charging at them.
1:00:22>> Okay.
1:00:23>> Yeah.
1:00:23>> Because
1:00:24>> as much as
1:00:30I felt like it rendered me powerless.
1:00:33>> It made me feel like
1:00:35maybe I wasn't a good person and maybe I
1:00:38did deserve everything that happened
1:00:40before and was to come.
1:00:44Because they weapon they weaponized that
1:00:47against me your your your regrets.
1:00:50>> Yeah.
1:00:50>> Yeah.
1:00:52And that's that's the part again that
1:00:54you know was so pivotal for me in the
1:00:56story in the book is the immediately
1:00:59going to record like you just had the
1:01:02physical alteration altercation with
1:01:05your husband. It was so bad. You have to
1:01:07read the book to see how bad it was. And
1:01:10I could picture in my head the
1:01:12consistency of the assault. And you woke
1:01:16up the next day. Nobody even asked you
1:01:17to go to the hospital. Nobody asked you,
1:01:19"Sugar, have you gone to check
1:01:20yourself?" Nobody asked you anything.
1:01:22Even you got up and moved on and went
1:01:24downstairs and pressed record to social
1:01:28media. And in my head, I told myself,
1:01:30"This is definitely a safe space for
1:01:32you."
1:01:33>> That definitely was where you could go
1:01:35to and you would read comments. M
1:01:38>> it's like not valued at home but valued
1:01:41outside and you take the value wherever
1:01:43you can get it.
1:01:44>> Yes. And I knew that was what was
1:01:46happening and one of the saddest part of
1:01:47the books for me to see that that was
1:01:50happening to you and that you
1:01:53you probably did not see it as a time
1:01:56but it was your go-to like automatic.
1:01:58>> I saw it.
1:01:59>> You saw it as your outlet.
1:02:00>> Yeah.
1:02:01>> Yeah.
1:02:02>> Not only am I a registered nurse, I'm
1:02:04also you know
1:02:04>> you did not psych. [laughter]
1:02:06So I I I knew that was my outlet and I
1:02:09knew that was my safe space and I knew
1:02:11that is the only thing.
1:02:13>> Yeah.
1:02:15>> How do I can you close?
1:02:18What I am fighting to
1:02:23understand is that after all of this you
1:02:27still went ahead both of you and got
1:02:30married
1:02:31>> officially
1:02:32>> in Nigeria.
1:02:33>> Yeah.
1:02:35And it wasn't even long after.
1:02:38>> Yeah. Cuz we already started planning
1:02:39it.
1:02:40>> Yes. When it happened, it was in the
1:02:42thick of it. That's the thing. Like we
1:02:44feel that the shame. What will people
1:02:48say if we do this? We spent so much
1:02:50money. Was the money that you spent for
1:02:53that wedding, was it worth the troubles
1:02:55after?
1:02:57>> The trouble after is immeasurable
1:02:59compared to the trouble before
1:03:00>> before. M
1:03:02>> should I have gone on to spend that
1:03:04money given the trouble that I' already
1:03:06gone through?
1:03:06>> But the kind of person you are, you're
1:03:08going to spend the money.
1:03:10>> Do you understand? Anyways, even if it's
1:03:12small birthday, we do Galentine in your
1:03:14house. The whole place has turned to to
1:03:16something else. So it's who you are. You
1:03:19go all the way out. Especially if it's
1:03:21something that you love for everything.
1:03:23You dress well, even the book,
1:03:25everything is it must be nice. It must
1:03:27be amazing. So I'm not sure it's about
1:03:30the money for me. No, it's not.
1:03:31>> No, I don't think so. Because that's why
1:03:33I say you said should I have spent all
1:03:35that money? That's not the question cuz
1:03:37sugar you would have spent the money.
1:03:38>> Either ways.
1:03:39>> Either ways. It is should we have gone
1:03:41along with it despite the money spent?
1:03:45>> No. Yeah. And did you know on the day of
1:03:47the wedding?
1:03:48>> Yes.
1:03:49>> That this is not going to last.
1:03:50>> Oh yeah.
1:03:52>> Oh, I mean if God have it in his plans
1:03:56for me to ever get married again
1:03:58>> Mhm.
1:04:00I would need another
1:04:04round of therapy before my wedding day.
1:04:08I feel like that was
1:04:12>> of every day that I've been humiliated
1:04:14in the relationship,
1:04:16>> my traditional wedding day,
1:04:19>> nothing tops it.
1:04:20>> Yeah.
1:04:23Even now some of the vendors will sling
1:04:25my DM and be like, "Damn,
1:04:29we saw it all."
1:04:30>> He embarrassed you in front of vendors.
1:04:32>> Everybody.
1:04:34Yeah.
1:04:36>> And you were begging him.
1:04:37>> I was. I was more concerned about him
1:04:40than I was concerned for myself.
1:04:41>> Yeah. I saw that.
1:04:44>> Because I really really really
1:04:47And that's contrary to what he believes.
1:04:50I was fearful of him,
1:04:52>> you know, and I think it was apparent
1:04:54even though I like to put up a face of
1:04:57Mr. Strong.
1:04:59>> Yeah. No, I'm not doing that.
1:05:01>> I refuse to do that.
1:05:02>> Yeah. I refuse to do that.
1:05:04>> But one thing that I do always I'm very
1:05:07careful of his anger.
1:05:09>> Not because obviously when the violent
1:05:11thing happened, I told I told exactly
1:05:13how happened
1:05:14>> but because of his actions after that
1:05:16>> which is silence. The silence that was
1:05:19so weaponized. Yes.
1:05:21>> And so because I try
1:05:25my line of work requires the whole of
1:05:27me.
1:05:28>> And so when I feel a little bit of
1:05:30disruption
1:05:31in my home, it affects the way I show
1:05:34up.
1:05:34>> And so my constant fear is I don't want
1:05:37to get into a place of anger for him to
1:05:39go silence on me.
1:05:40>> So anything that I can do to diffuse
1:05:42that,
1:05:43>> I would. And so if I'm getting married
1:05:47and I know that your way of telling me
1:05:50that you've done something bad
1:05:52>> is to be silent, would I not beg you?
1:05:54Because that's
1:05:56>> day one. There's still day two and
1:05:58there's probably
1:05:59>> after not just even after what you call
1:06:01that 30 December.
1:06:03>> Yeah. You're in Lagos for the whole
1:06:05>> Yeah. So and I know that the way they
1:06:07function, they will not talk they will
1:06:10talk to everybody around you.
1:06:11>> Yeah. They can even talk to you there.
1:06:13When you guys get to each other, they
1:06:15won't talk to you. And so for me, it
1:06:17wasn't just about the day. I'm already
1:06:19thinking ahead,
1:06:21>> right?
1:06:22>> And so I have I I have to be
1:06:26>> and was not just me. My parents like
1:06:28everybody begged begged them.
1:06:29>> If your parents had told you not to go
1:06:31ahead,
1:06:32>> what would you have done?
1:06:33>> I would have gone ahead if I wanted to.
1:06:36>> Because they had told me severally not
1:06:38to. Especially that's why he doesn't
1:06:40like my mom. It cannot stand my mom. So
1:06:43if I say no and I'm saying no, my mom
1:06:46says
1:06:47>> if your mom and dad had said I will not
1:06:48attend this wedding, what would you have
1:06:50done?
1:06:52>> So I I don't think there's a situation
1:06:54where they would have said that
1:06:55>> in case if if it was if it got worse
1:06:58than how it had gotten before the main
1:07:00wedding, what would you have done?
1:07:03>> I probably would have stopped.
1:07:04>> Would have stopped it.
1:07:05>> Yes.
1:07:05>> Probably would have stopped it. Yes. But
1:07:07I don't think my parents would
1:07:08>> and those kind of people because they
1:07:09will look at you and say, "Is this going
1:07:10to make you happy?" And then they go
1:07:11ahead and pray.
1:07:12>> Yeah. They'll pray about it.
1:07:13>> They'll pray about it and say,
1:07:14>> "Yeah, that's that's
1:07:15>> this decision that sugar to me. God,
1:07:17please go with her."
1:07:18>> But my mom always have reservation.
1:07:19>> Yeah.
1:07:20>> But she also always says something and I
1:07:22will say the way she say only.
1:07:25>> What's only means you're lonely.
1:07:28>> You're lonely.
1:07:28>> You're the only one there.
1:07:29>> Oh,
1:07:30>> you're the only one there. That's the
1:07:32only person to Jo that's the only person
1:07:34that I can say you actually know out
1:07:37there. So if this if this is how you
1:07:39guys you've resolved it and you've
1:07:41promised yourself
1:07:43>> you know carry on.
1:07:44>> I cannot tell you how many times that
1:07:47this man him insulting your parents to
1:07:50their hearing you still went out and got
1:07:53married or stayed in the marriage. Why?
1:07:55Why was that?
1:07:59I honestly
1:08:01it's like a cycle
1:08:03the first time obviously you need the
1:08:06first time in the book and then the
1:08:07second and after that I became
1:08:11I matched his energy.
1:08:12>> So if you say this and this is your mom
1:08:15I'll say this and this is your mom as
1:08:16well. So instead of me
1:08:18>> probably thinking of how bad that could
1:08:21be, I'm thinking
1:08:23>> I want you to feel what I'm feeling as
1:08:24well. M
1:08:25>> and so I would also retalate and throw
1:08:29>> abusive words to his own side of the
1:08:32family as well.
1:08:34>> Do you see how a toxic marriage can turn
1:08:38two good people to monsters?
1:08:40>> Yeah,
1:08:41>> you can see.
1:08:41>> Yeah, absolutely.
1:08:43>> Absolutely.
1:08:43>> And when you step back and look at it,
1:08:46do you see yourself and not recognize
1:08:49that person? Then that's what I struggle
1:08:51with the most when I was writing the
1:08:53book and that's why I wrote the book the
1:08:55way I wrote it. This is not to appease
1:08:57to anybody.
1:08:58>> I know how I grew up and one of the
1:09:01things they always tell me is also is I
1:09:03would never be like your father.
1:09:05>> Your father is weak.
1:09:06>> I would never be like your father.
1:09:09>> Your ex-husband would tell me
1:09:10>> tell me that yeah your your dad is weak.
1:09:12I will never be like your father.
1:09:14>> And that is basically indicative of the
1:09:17kind of father my father was.
1:09:19loving husband, loving father. Um, my
1:09:23mom
1:09:26thriving. She's a business mogul.
1:09:28>> Mhm.
1:09:28>> And my dad allowed her, humbly so. And
1:09:33so when they would tell me things like
1:09:34that as an insult,
1:09:40I should have recognized who I was
1:09:42getting married to or who I had already
1:09:44gotten married to.
1:09:45>> Yeah.
1:09:46you already getting married, you know,
1:09:48>> but still I thought, you know, because
1:09:51we are fighting now,
1:09:52>> they're just saying those things to me.
1:09:53So me I be like you used to you're like
1:09:55your own father too, you know, kind of
1:09:57like that,
1:09:58>> you know. Um
1:10:00>> I I could see how that could happen. How
1:10:03two good people in the bad situation can
1:10:06become bad people.
1:10:07>> Yes. To themselves.
1:10:08>> And that's what Yeah. And that's why if
1:10:11you find yourself in a situation where
1:10:12you're trying where you're beginning to
1:10:14match someone else's energy and that's
1:10:16not truly you
1:10:17>> it will be in your best interest and for
1:10:20your own self your mental health for
1:10:22your future self.
1:10:23>> If you want kids for your future kid
1:10:26>> I don't care what it is that you've
1:10:27sacrificed as we women like to or even
1:10:30men like to say like
1:10:32>> just excuse yourself.
1:10:34>> Step away.
1:10:34>> Step away.
1:10:35>> Yeah. Because you will not recognize who
1:10:37you become.
1:10:38>> And I struggle with that. Yeah, I
1:10:40struggle with that too because I know
1:10:41you. And then seeing all of that, I'm
1:10:43like,
1:10:44>> yeah,
1:10:44>> yeah, this is not this is not.
1:10:46>> And I I ask again,
1:10:50>> did you love this guy
1:10:53in that marriage?
1:10:54>> I think I did.
1:10:55>> You did?
1:10:56>> And I guess I didn't realize how much I
1:10:58love him until I left.
1:11:00>> Until I
1:11:01>> finally left. We're going to get there
1:11:03because I need to know how you knew that
1:11:06was finally, right? But I ask if you
1:11:09love him because
1:11:11you were married when this man went and
1:11:13got engaged to another woman in Nigeria.
1:11:15Yeah. And you stayed? Yes. And this is
1:11:18why I ask, did you stay out of love?
1:11:38I'm having troubles for two things.
1:11:41Number one, the question
1:11:44hit me
1:11:46because nobody has ever asked me that.
1:11:51And getting back to him
1:11:55might not have been entirely out of
1:11:58love,
1:12:00>> but I missed what we had.
1:12:02>> What did you have?
1:12:04everything but goodness and you miss
1:12:07that. You miss the toxicity. You miss
1:12:09the drama.
1:12:13>> But the thought came to me,
1:12:16there was a time he was seeing two women
1:12:17at the same time. this woman home that
1:12:19you went to engaged while you were
1:12:21married in Nigeria
1:12:23>> and another girl
1:12:24>> and you saw their chat and you enter the
1:12:26chat to say hello we are now three in
1:12:29this relationship
1:12:32immediately after you did that you did
1:12:34something nice for him
1:12:36>> afterwards and I'm thinking is this a
1:12:38challenge to you that I will get this
1:12:40man instead of you two
1:12:44I I
1:12:46>> yeah Yeah,
1:12:49>> it was mine. I was yours
1:12:51>> cuz we're married.
1:12:53>> Like I said, I wanted to prove a lot to
1:12:56him that what?
1:12:58>> That I'm not who you think I am.
1:13:00>> Who did you think you were?
1:13:03>> Selfish.
1:13:05>> Unkind,
1:13:06>> stingy,
1:13:07>> stingy,
1:13:08>> rude.
1:13:08>> And that's why I always do. So if
1:13:11something happen, I want to do because
1:13:14I'm not actually selfish. I'm not rude.
1:13:17I'm not stingy.
1:13:19>> You know, I'm trying to constantly prove
1:13:24that
1:13:26I am the person I know. I am. Did this
1:13:28tire you out at any point? Were you
1:13:31>> at the end?
1:13:31>> Were you tired? So, you were not tired
1:13:33in the relationship? You just kept
1:13:34going. It was at the end that you felt
1:13:36>> I felt like there was nothing else I
1:13:38could give
1:13:39>> and they wanted to take something that I
1:13:40knew.
1:13:41>> Yeah. Yeah.
1:13:42>> Yeah. Again, I ask, was that love?
1:13:47In retrospect, while I was writing the
1:13:49book, I think I loved him more than I'd
1:13:51like to acknowledge at the time
1:13:54>> because
1:13:57I loved him
1:14:00and I knew that I could live without
1:14:03him.
1:14:03>> You could live without him.
1:14:05>> And I did that constantly in the book. I
1:14:07see. Yes.
1:14:08>> And so I wouldn't call it codependency
1:14:10because I was quite independent in my
1:14:13own way.
1:14:13>> Yes.
1:14:14>> But
1:14:16realistically
1:14:18I can't define what kept me.
1:14:22>> I cannot
1:14:24>> till tomorrow. Even some of our fight
1:14:27that we had come back from
1:14:29>> I can't explain to people how we got
1:14:31back together.
1:14:32>> Yeah.
1:14:32>> We're just back. It was the weirdest
1:14:33thing. But you know what? For people who
1:14:36will read the book, you'll see why. He
1:14:38was a nice guy.
1:14:40>> When he was nice, he was really nice.
1:14:43>> Absolutely.
1:14:43>> If he kept up the niceness, he would
1:14:46have been a fantastic husband.
1:14:48>> He was nice. Like he actually did help
1:14:51you relieve you of a lot of things, you
1:14:55know. So, you would think about you and
1:14:58there's a thing, I forget what the
1:14:59therapist call it, when the only thing
1:15:01you think about the when you break up
1:15:02with somebody, the only thing you
1:15:04remember is the good times. Mhm.
1:15:05>> Because they're no longer there and you
1:15:07want to keep some sort of memory to
1:15:08yourself. And what your brain allows you
1:15:11to accept is only the good times. So you
1:15:14remember this is what he did. This is
1:15:16what he did. This is what he did. And
1:15:18okay. And then when he comes back to
1:15:19you, he always comes back nice.
1:15:23The best.
1:15:25I'm telling you. Like sometimes I even
1:15:29look forward to fighting so we can have
1:15:31a good time. M. And toxic circle cycle
1:15:35is something that
1:15:37we're going to talk about that in the
1:15:39future, but you can really get soaked in
1:15:41into the reward and the punishment.
1:15:46>> Um, and so I would sometimes I would
1:15:49even understand when the fight is going
1:15:50on for so long that this the coming back
1:15:54would even be just
1:15:55>> mad. Yeah.
1:15:57>> And you know it.
1:15:58>> I know it.
1:15:59>> Yeah. I hate to be the one to say it,
1:16:03but I also like to be the one to say it.
1:16:06What is
1:16:08list to me three of responsibilities
1:16:11that you take for this experience?
1:16:21>> I think I was looking for love where it
1:16:24didn't exist. M
1:16:27>> I think I also at a point realistically
1:16:31was very financially dependent on him
1:16:35>> which then cost me
1:16:38I don't want to explain what that is
1:16:39because you're telling me to be
1:16:41accountable. So if I give explanation
1:16:43after that I'm not fully being
1:16:45accountable for it.
1:16:47>> So and I think lastly
1:16:50I saw that relationship as another
1:16:52project that I have to succeed at. Yes.
1:16:55>> Because I've always succeeded at
1:16:56everything I did.
1:16:57>> Yes.
1:16:58>> And even though going back to the
1:16:59question of am I trying to win between
1:17:02those two other women,
1:17:04>> this was a project.
1:17:06>> Yeah.
1:17:06>> The one that I started when I was very
1:17:08young
1:17:10>> and that I've
1:17:12sacrificed too much for. And so
1:17:17just like everything else, I can succeed
1:17:19at this.
1:17:21>> I've always been successful at anything.
1:17:24God has given me.
1:17:26So why not this one? Why would I fail
1:17:31at this?
1:17:34And
1:17:36I wasn't just doing it. They also was
1:17:39promising to be better and better guys.
1:17:43The way he promises to be better get
1:17:45better. Don't leave me. My enem is after
1:17:48me. He's my enemies. And you two you go
1:17:52[laughter] because his enemies that was
1:17:54there when he was misbehaving they were
1:17:56right in front of him and that got you
1:17:58right. The tears got you
1:17:59>> every time.
1:18:01>> Every time
1:18:04it's believable.
1:18:05>> It really is.
1:18:06>> The tears The tears
1:18:08everything in the book if you were to
1:18:12see the person is believable.
1:18:15>> Yeah.
1:18:17going moving forward, if you were to do
1:18:20this again
1:18:21or leave that life again with what you
1:18:23know now,
1:18:25what are you going to tell that
1:18:2713year-old girl
1:18:30>> in in Queens?
1:18:33>> What would you tell her who got sexually
1:18:36molested by that senior? What would you
1:18:39tell her? Speak up.
1:18:43what happened to you
1:18:46is not you.
1:18:50I feel like I've carried shame for a
1:18:52long time, like you said, of things that
1:18:56were done to me.
1:18:59>> And
1:19:01that is why I had to write the book the
1:19:03way I wrote it and also target what I
1:19:06hid
1:19:07>> because even still
1:19:10>> some of them still feel like shame.
1:19:13which should be the emotion that I feel.
1:19:15>> No,
1:19:15>> but the heart feels what it feels.
1:19:18>> So I would tell her too,
1:19:21you might be the first born. You might
1:19:23be the one that everybody looks up to to
1:19:26always have it together, but it's okay
1:19:29not to have it together.
1:19:32It's okay to maybe fail,
1:19:36you know, because fail early is better
1:19:40than failing much later.
1:19:45>> Do you think you have it together now?
1:19:48>> Yes. And it's not because
1:19:54I'm divorced
1:19:56>> or it's not because I have broken off of
1:19:59their shackles, but it's because I know
1:20:02who I am. It's because I've recognized
1:20:06my patterns. I've recognized my demons.
1:20:10>> I've recognized what I'm good at and
1:20:12I've recognized my weaknesses.
1:20:14And once you've come to terms with who
1:20:17you truly are, you've won
1:20:21>> because now you can make decisions,
1:20:24life decision with
1:20:27with full knowledge
1:20:28>> of yourself. What phase of sugar are you
1:20:30leaving behind in that relationship in
1:20:33that phase of your life and which part
1:20:36of sugar is coming with you?
1:20:39I think the part that I left there was
1:20:44I don't know how to phrase this but see
1:20:47things for what it is.
1:20:49>> Don't sugarcoat things. Don't
1:20:52rationalize things. Don't make excuses
1:20:55for people.
1:20:56>> When people show you who they are,
1:20:58believe them.
1:21:00>> Guys, we have not touched a quarter of
1:21:03this book. I promise you, you need you
1:21:06need to get this book. There's so much
1:21:08more more than we've discussed today
1:21:10that you will see and so much to learn.
1:21:13I will never stop preaching this. A
1:21:15woman who knows herself, half of our
1:21:17trouble is gone.
1:21:19>> Let me tell you something because you
1:21:21know that where who I am, my worth is
1:21:24not based on anybody else but the power
1:21:27that I carry inside of me. And the
1:21:29moment you take that power, hand it over
1:21:31to somebody else, people who understand
1:21:33that power will take advantage of it.
1:21:35they will take advantage of it and of
1:21:37you and will result at the end of the
1:21:39day you losing everything and if you are
1:21:42fortunate like sugar to have people
1:21:44around you to have God you'll be able to
1:21:46come back and recoup and I hope that
1:21:48just like sugar when you recoup when you
1:21:50find yourself again you never ever go
1:21:54back thank you for watching I can't wait
1:21:56for your comments and we'll be
1:21:58discussing this book very soon next year
1:22:00in our live session with Ephair
1:22:04by Bye everybody
1:22:06If you enjoy conversations like this
1:22:07where guests come and we talk about real
1:22:09life issues and as we go on talk through
1:22:13the solutions together and the
1:22:15resolutions, please click the subscribe
1:22:17button.

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