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Building a Life - Howard H. Stevenson (2013) — Transcript

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0:04I'm Howard Stevenson. It's a pleasure to
0:06be with you. Uh I mean that sincerely
0:09since I died once out here. And uh as I
0:13say, we're going to talk about building
0:14life. I was telling Howard I failed once
0:17at retirement, three times at dying, and
0:1971 times at being on the Forbes list.
0:22U so I'm used to failure. Now we'll go
0:25forward from here. What I'm going to
0:26talk about is
0:29as
0:30I aged out of fundraising, which is, you
0:34know, picking pockets and rolling
0:35drunks, uh, I started to ask a question.
0:39My wife and I, between us, have seven
0:41kids and 12 grandchildren. Um, and we're
0:44both married to jerks. So, one year I
0:46got to pay tuition at Columbia, Yale,
0:48Harvard, Williams, and Bowden. Uh, I'm
0:50bragging and complaining,
0:53but I sat down and said, you know, why
0:56is it that people say it's so hard for
0:57successful people to have successful
0:59children? And that's a that's true
1:01across almost every culture. It's rice
1:04patties to rice patties, clogs to clogs,
1:07bogs to bogs, all of these things. So,
1:09we I set out with a friend Laura Nash to
1:14figure out the answer to that question.
1:15You come to some The first question is,
1:17what do you mean by success? So, I want
1:19to talk about that. The second thing I
1:21want to talk about is at the end is a
1:23little book that just came out in
1:25October. Um, when I died, one of the
1:29young people who had worked with me
1:31said, "You you you make so many wise ass
1:34No, excuse me. Um,
1:37I didn't listen to all the advice you
1:38gave me. Can I interview you?" And I
1:41thought that'd be nice. my kids or
1:42grandkids would. This is I literally did
1:45die and um I suffered unattended cardiac
1:48arrest out here on the lawn out here and
1:51that's about 1% chance of survival and
1:55um but I was extremely lucky. Um and so
1:59we wrote this book that came out as
2:01Howard's gift and I want to tell you a
2:02little bit about sort of the lessons
2:04I've tried to pass on to the kids. So
2:07you know the first question though as
2:08you get into is what is success? Because
2:11when we tried to write the book that's
2:13obviously the first question what do you
2:15mean by it and that's been a dilemma
2:18that goes back to Aristotle Heroditus
2:20Heroditus said it best no count no man
2:23successful till he dies. Uh I tried that
2:25and didn't work. Uh
2:28this is a state of being because as soon
2:30as you say I'm successful you probably
2:32start to fail. Uh because that's a
2:34constant process. You know there's some
2:37unique activities. If I asked the people
2:39in this room, are you successful? I
2:41think almost everybody would raise your
2:42hand yet there's no one profile that
2:44would fit it. Uh so this is some unique
2:47combination of what we bring to the
2:49party, where we come from. Uh all sorts
2:54of things and there's also sort of I was
2:56successful when now I always find it sad
2:59when people talk about it being admitted
3:02to Harvard Business School is the high
3:03point of their life or it's even worse
3:05if they talk about being admitted to St.
3:07Paul's. Uh but it's a question of what
3:12do we mean? Is it a score? Uh if so, is
3:15it I I loved Ann's comment about uh
3:19money this morning. One thing about
3:22success, it's really hard to measure.
3:24Who is the most successful person in the
3:26room? Um well, all depends on how you
3:30measure. It's often uneven. Uh I joke
3:34about a divorce. That's a painful part
3:36of your life and dealing with it with
3:38kids. Uh I never expected to be a single
3:41parent. I wound up being a single
3:42parent. That caused me to do some things
3:45that were quite different than I'd
3:46imagined. Like I gave up a very nice
3:50activity. Uh because somebody had to
3:52drive him to school and other things.
3:56And I w my son was the second my
3:58youngest son was the second happiest
4:00person in the room when he got his
4:01driver's license.
4:03uh it's often quite unstable. You know,
4:07things can be going well, then something
4:09happens and you can't freeze it. You're
4:12there, it's wonderful, and you move on.
4:16So, one of the problems with success,
4:18it's both rational, emotional. Who do I
4:20compare myself to? Uh, if we look around
4:23the room, you know, I guess everybody's
4:26telling Bill Gates he's handsome, but
4:29uh, if he really looks in the mirror,
4:32well, anyway,
4:34you know, and a lot of the success books
4:36are sort of weird. They tell you to
4:38think through all the angles. You got to
4:40study it. You do. We look at Malcolm
4:43Gladwell, which talks about 10,000
4:45hours. Uh, if you're naturally strong,
4:48I'm not going to be a basketball player.
4:50It's quite clear. I don't jump. Uh, and
4:52particularly now. And you sort of get on
4:56this life path. Sometimes call it a
4:59velvet lined rut. And if you do it all
5:02your life, you're probably going to get
5:03better at it. So if you do that, that's
5:06what they tell you. Nothing can go
5:07wrong. The problem is sometimes things
5:10happen.
5:12Now
5:14we'll evoke sympathy with this one. But
5:15uh
5:17the other thing I found about success is
5:19when you talk to I think particularly
5:22many successful entrepreneurial fathers,
5:24their view of success is you fire the
5:27bullet and then you draw the circle
5:29around it. Um
5:32what I did is success. Now you should be
5:34just like me. Now this turns out to be
5:36reasonably hard. I think about my own
5:38career. you know, I started the
5:40entrepreneurship when nobody cared.
5:42Well, uh, if my sons or daughters tried
5:46to do it, it wouldn't work. Uh, there is
5:50a different path. It's a different time.
5:52You know, we started the first one of
5:54the first hedge funds in the United
5:56States. I was involved in starting and
5:58managed for 10 years. Well, you know,
6:01now there are 2,600 hedge funds started
6:04each year and 200 going out of business.
6:06It's a very different uh game. And the
6:09other thing about it is it's really not
6:10the way that it works. Because if you do
6:12that, you often leave out a few things
6:14like family, community, and as one guy
6:17said in our interviews, I now retired.
6:19It's time for me. I just don't know who
6:21me is. I've been so involved in doing
6:24what other people tell me to do. So, and
6:26the other life's reality is quite
6:27different. Life's reality is all about
6:29choices. We're standing at crossroads
6:32and we don't know what's over the
6:33horizon. You know, I got tenure in 1978.
6:36That's something that people seek. And I
6:38resigned immediately. And people thought
6:39it was crazy, but I'd interviewed a
6:41whole bunch of tenured faculty and said,
6:43"They're not happy. Why would I go down
6:45a path where many of the more quote
6:47successful people aren't happy? Let me
6:49try something different." So, but I had
6:51no idea where it would lead. It led back
6:53here. Now,
6:56but on a very different set of terms.
6:59Now, success is a tough problem. the
7:01external measures and the internal
7:03measures aren't always the same.
7:05Sometimes we're rewarded for things
7:07we're not proud of and sometimes we're
7:08proud of things we're not rewarded for.
7:11I think secondly, things change. As I
7:13said, the world changes. We have to deal
7:15with we teach about people, opportunity,
7:17deal, and context. And the context
7:19really matters. Uh you change. If you
7:22still want the same thing at 82 as you
7:24wanted at 22, your name's Hugh Hefner.
7:27Um,
7:32and
7:33what's obvious is sometimes the obvious
7:37route to success leads to failure
7:38because you get going down that path and
7:40you wind up in Amarillo and you had no
7:42intention of being in Amarillo. I hope
7:44nobody's from Amarillo.
7:46There's another thing that I've observed
7:48which often it hurts when others
7:50experience a success that could have
7:52been yours. You know, I'm the ST in
7:55Bowpost. It's a fairly famous firm. I I
7:58left it when the kids I became a single
8:00parent. Uh I look on the Forbes list and
8:04see the guy who took over from me. Um
8:07yeah, I wentse, but then I think, well,
8:10if I had stayed in that path, I couldn't
8:12have done the other things I've done.
8:14But I still wse. I have to admit when I
8:16open up Forbes and see it, I I went. Uh
8:19but that's okay.
8:21um what we discovered is there are
8:24different kinds of success and the
8:26satisfactions of each are different and
8:28that's what I want to talk about a bit
8:30now I think for most of our graduates of
8:32Harvard Business School there really
8:34three great fears in life one is I won't
8:36be a success two I will be a success
8:39won't be enough this famous Peggy Lee
8:41song and I'll be a success but I have to
8:43sell my soul that somehow to be
8:45successful in the world's terms I have
8:47to give up something that's really
8:49important to me now my everything I
8:52learned from my mother I think came from
8:53the Reader's Digest. Uh but this is one
8:56that I'll never forget. Success is
8:58getting what you want and happiness is
9:00wanting what you get. And one of the
9:02most important pieces of advice I think
9:04I've given my kids is marry a happy
9:06person because you're not going to
9:08change somebody who's unhappy into
9:10somebody who's happy. So figure out if
9:12they're happy or not. So there's a lot
9:14of bad advice out there. Uh simple
9:17rules, follow your passion. Wonderful.
9:21Uh, I'm passionate about being an actor.
9:25Oh, okay. How many parents are
9:29supporting have kids on deep subsidy
9:31trying to be an actor? U or a writer in
9:34Hollywood or those kind of things and
9:36they get to about 50 and they say, "I'm
9:37not really going to make it now what I'm
9:39going to do." And uh, by the way, that's
9:41about when the parents die. So, the
9:43subsidy stops and it's really a problem.
9:46Uh, there is this stress on perfection
9:48and having it all. you're supposed to
9:49be, you know, Dr. Ruth in the bedroom
9:51and Donald Trump in the boardroom and
9:55well, you know, I don't know who you
9:57are, but I find 24 hours a day doesn't
9:59let me do all those things all the time.
10:02And we'll come back and talk about that
10:03and how you manage it. And there are
10:05some wonderful success models that gloss
10:07over the flaws. You know, if I think of
10:09Rupert Murdoch, John Cororsine,
10:12uh can we imagine Lady Gaga, you know,
10:15Lyanna Hunley? Do we want would you
10:17really like to be some of these people
10:18that have been written up as great
10:20successes? And even worse, would you
10:22want your kids to be them? I can't
10:23imagine if one of my daughters said, "I
10:25really want to model myself on Lady
10:27Gaga." Uh, the two that went to the
10:29Harvard Business School have done okay,
10:30but the one who's wound up uh being a
10:33family counselor. Um,
10:36we interviewed about 150 people. They
10:39were high achievers in multiple arenas.
10:41They were they seemed to care about
10:43others, which is probably one of our
10:44criteria. Their success in life make a
10:47difference to many others. They weren't
10:50just about me. I didn't interview Donald
10:52Trump. Uh they seem to keep going and
10:55growing. And they were unique. We
10:59interviewed everybody from investment
11:01bankers to a cleaning woman that had
11:03come probably not originally as an legal
11:06immigrant uh and that's now has a firm
11:09with about 50 people that work for and
11:11is really amazingly happy and all her
11:12kids are graduating from college and so
11:15it's a very fascinating group of people
11:18but mostly what you saw is people that
11:19were quite satisfied that they felt good
11:22about themselves and good about their
11:23life. So, you know, I could criticize
11:27this as a sociological study because
11:30these are probably the criteria we chose
11:32for success, not something that was
11:33given to us by deep research. And what
11:38we saw in these people is they seized
11:39opportunities that's presented. They
11:42largely revoided regrets. Now, my
11:45co-author Laura and I argued a lot about
11:47can you live a life without regrets? And
11:49it was yes we can, no we can't. Yes. A
11:52very intelligent argument. Uh but what
11:55we discovered is we were talking about
11:56different things. She was talking about
11:58consequences and I was talking about
12:00sort of process you know things go wrong
12:03but if you acted honest to yourself if
12:07things go wrong it's pretty hard to have
12:08a regret. He said I acted on the best
12:10information. Regrets come when you kid
12:12yourself. Uh one of the titles in the
12:15Howard's gift book is don't cheat at
12:16solitire. Um
12:20we also found that people really enjoyed
12:22the here and now. They weren't always
12:24putting off. You know, when we
12:26interviewed one of them, ice cream
12:28arrived at the the office. He stopped
12:31the interview and he says, "You'll wait.
12:32The ice cream will melt. Let's have ice
12:34cream now." And that was a very
12:36important lesson for us. And what we
12:39discovered was a landscape of
12:40satisfaction. If you ask people why they
12:42succeeded, they give you the same BS.
12:44It's in
12:46Franklin, you know, it's in CVY, it's in
12:48a whole bunch of these books.
12:50What we did is we asked people tell us
12:52about successes in your life rather than
12:55tell us why you succeeded. And it was a
12:57very interesting thing. We saw obviously
13:00achievement. What have you done against
13:02goals that others are also striving for?
13:04That's money, power, fame. There are
13:07lots of forms of achievement and you
13:09can't have them all by the way. Uh many
13:12of my richest friends are not known. Uh
13:15as one said he'd pay $250,000 to get off
13:17the Forbes list. I think that uh Trump
13:20pays a lot to get on it. Um there's
13:23significance. Have you had a positive
13:25impact on the people you care about?
13:29There's happiness.
13:32How do you feel about yourself in your
13:33life? Are you content? And then there's
13:35legacy. Have you done something or is it
13:37build upon? Now, one of the things
13:38that's very clear is these are
13:40uncorrelated. You can achieve without
13:41being happy, right? Uh Marilyn Monroe,
13:44Ernest Hemingway probably demonstrated
13:46that conclusively. Um, can you be
13:49significant without achievement? Well,
13:51my grandfather was never more than an
13:53assistant postmaster in a small town in
13:56Utah. He was a silver beaver scout,
13:58which is the highest award in scouting.
14:00He taught me a lot about conservation
14:02and love for the land. Uh, I think he
14:06was very significant in many people's
14:08lives. Uh, can you be happy without
14:10achieving? Just go to Aspen. How many
14:13parents told their kids, I have worked
14:15so hard. I want you to be happy. They go
14:17out to Aspen, meet their kids, and say,
14:19"What the hell are you doing?" And they
14:20said, "You told us to be happy, Dad.
14:22We're happy. What What's your problem?
14:24You know, I'm a trustarian. That's a
14:26great religion." Um,
14:29now legacy I was having trouble with
14:32until I thought about uh Karl Marx.
14:36He certainly wasn't known in his
14:37lifetime. He is mean and abusive to his
14:40family. He was a drunkard, which
14:42generally somewhat goes with
14:43unhappiness. And yet he left a big
14:45legacy whether for good or bad. So all
14:48these are uncorrelated
14:50and getting one doesn't get you the
14:52other. And we'll come back to that. And
14:54part of the reason they're quite
14:55different. Happiness is really about me
14:58and now. You don't make other people
15:00happy. You make yourself happy and you
15:02are happy and you're you don't say oh
15:04I'll be happy in the future. You say am
15:06I happy now? Whereas legacy I'm sorry
15:08Bill Clinton. You don't define your own
15:10legacy. Other people define your legacy
15:12and it's about your impact on the
15:14future. Now, achievement is sort of
15:16funny. Who do I compare myself to?
15:20You know, I have a friend who feels not
15:23very wealthy because Bill Gates has a
15:25thousand times as much money. I point
15:27out that $65 million would satisfy many
15:29people. But as long as he compares
15:31himself to Bill Gates, he can make
15:33himself really quite miserable. And by
15:35the way, that's also led his children to
15:37think that unless they make a billion
15:39dollars, they're not a success, which
15:41has led them to some very interesting
15:43behavior. And significance is another
15:45thing you have to say, who, yeah, I want
15:47to help other people, but who do I want
15:49to help? Bill Gates can only give $10 a
15:52person to everyone on Earth. He has to
15:54choose who to help. And that's a very
15:58important choice. It's both an external
16:00choice and an internal choice. Who do I
16:02care about? and what do I want to do for
16:04them? Now, when you think about them,
16:08they're really complicated. Achievement
16:09is there's a time dimension to it. Is
16:12about the past, is about the present or
16:14the future.
16:16If you think about the impact, is it on
16:17me or is it on other people? Um, you
16:21know, I could develop things that are
16:22achievement that are about me alone or I
16:25can build a system where other people
16:27are involved. The emotional drivers,
16:29there are some very positive drivers.
16:31mastery, recognition, pride, but there
16:34are bill there are Donald Trump's envy,
16:36greed, and fear. Um, these are both
16:39these are all drivers toward
16:40achievement. But if they're not
16:42positive, very often they're driven by
16:44looking outside and saying, I've got to
16:46compete. And you can always compete with
16:48somebody who will make you feel bad. And
16:51then there's the context.
16:53You know, it's the Wayne Gretzky, I got
16:56to skate to where the puck will be, not
16:58to where it is now. So, it's there's a
17:02little thing called values here. You
17:04know, as one of our daughters said at
17:07one of my wife's round numbers,
17:09birthday, mirror, mirror on the wall.
17:10I'm like my mother after all. And uh she
17:14was somewhat upset in saying it, but we
17:16all I can hear my father speaking very
17:18often when I'm talking. Uh so all this
17:21stuff is complicated. Now when you look
17:25at it,
17:26you know, each of these have twins,
17:28right? You can think about contentment
17:31and fulfillment and happiness or
17:32laziness and gluttony. They both can
17:35lead you to somewhat be happy. You can
17:37think about envy and greed driving into
17:39achievement or you can think about
17:40recognition, pride and mastery. You can
17:43think about fairness, generosity and
17:44caring which is external or you can
17:47think a few of us have been on boards
17:49where par power power and self
17:51arrandisement leads people to quote be
17:53significant outside and then even in
17:56legacy there's altruism and generative
17:58desires or there's the fear of death and
18:01need for control. You know I know
18:03somebody that's written a thousand-year
18:04trust because he really does you know
18:06trust should be named mistrust. If you
18:08trusted your kids you wouldn't put it in
18:10trust. Uh, but to do it for a thousand
18:12years, I
18:15unkindly pointed out that William the
18:17Conqueror still has 50some years to run
18:19and I'm sure he's seen everything. But
18:21when you look at these, does contentment
18:24and fulfillment help you achieve?
18:26Not really. You know, certain neurosis
18:28help you to achieve. Um,
18:31does fairness, generosity, and caring
18:33help you in the competitive battle? It
18:35actually isn't even help you be happy,
18:38right? Because when somebody else is
18:40miserable, you're miserable. Uh if you
18:43think about altruism,
18:46those who leave room for other people's
18:48success, it's an absolute requirement
18:50for the uh
18:54creating legacy, but it also will
18:56probably diminish your own achievement
18:57because you're letting other people be
18:58recognized. where there is there are
19:00many people and you see it all the time
19:02in entrepreneurship where the need to be
19:04the boss prevents you from actually
19:07developing something that will endure.
19:09So these are complex most human beings
19:13except for Donald Trump have most of
19:14these emotions and because we have
19:17complex emotions we're tired we're torn
19:21uh we're tugged in different directions.
19:23this one helps me achieve on this
19:25dimension. But we all want them because
19:27we want all of these kinds of success.
19:30And this is part of the challenge I
19:31think we all face is I don't know very
19:34many people that don't want to have some
19:36measure of success on all of these
19:38dimensions.
19:40So one thing is a find your passion. You
19:44know that we'll find somehow something
19:47that in achievement will find
19:48significant happiness and leave our
19:50legacy. The only problem doesn't work.
19:53Uh because one activity rarely has it
19:55all. Um if you find love at the office,
19:57you can get yourself sued. Um
20:01and there's certainly different
20:02constituencies, different judgments.
20:04When somebody says to their children,
20:06"I'm working so hard. I'm doing it all
20:08for you, my children." What does the kid
20:11generally think? Dad. You're
20:14doing this for your own ego. And yeah,
20:16it's really nice. I'm really glad that
20:18you're giving me some money, but you're
20:20not doing your work for me. It's for
20:22you. I mean, I can
20:26It requires different skills. If you
20:29try and be CEO at home, the chief
20:32operating officer generally has
20:33something to say about it. Um, at least
20:36that's been my experience. Uh, very
20:39subtly. uh and there's often collateral
20:43damage because if you focus on only one
20:45thing, you're highly likely to forget
20:47some other things and this is a problem.
20:50So I just remind you of this poor guy.
20:54Uh there's another approach which is
20:56sequential success. You know we'll
20:58achieve
21:00in achievement after we achieve we'll
21:02find significance. After we find
21:03significance we'll find happiness and
21:06then our legacy will be left when we
21:08die. That didn't work either. This is
21:11there's a lot of books generally sold to
21:13YPO members uh about from success to
21:18significance halfime. I can go through
21:20the titles.
21:22Um they don't work for a very simple
21:25reason. Uh
21:28when is enough to move on?
21:30You know, if you say when have I
21:32achieved enough? I never want do you
21:34think any of us want to ever say I'll
21:36never achieve again? I I don't know
21:38many, you know, people even if they
21:41never played golf in their life, they
21:42retire and go to Ford and they got to
21:44become a champion golfer. Unlikely to
21:46happen if you didn't start it at 16.
21:48It's like being a skier. If you didn't
21:51learn to ski before you develop common
21:52sense, you'll never be a great skier
21:56because what's enough for now is
21:58certainly not enough for your life in
22:00most of these areas. So the notion I'll
22:02do something and then at the next stage
22:04I'll pass on and I'll focus. uh this is
22:06good for ADHD people because says I'll
22:09focus on one thing and then I'll achieve
22:11it and then I can move on. The only
22:13trouble is the decision to move on is
22:14really tough and there's also the
22:17problem is that you can always maximize.
22:19I I was a mathematician when I was
22:21young. I don't remember how to do a
22:22reman still integral but I do remember
22:25that there's no largest integer. You can
22:27always want add one to anything. And if
22:29you're successful at something often you
22:32say well I just want a little more you
22:34know and it's a very interesting problem
22:36of how do you not maximize
22:40and we do have continuing emotional
22:41needs as I say I don't think you can
22:44ever leave the need for achievement when
22:46is it you want to say I've done enough
22:49for everyone else it's now about me I
22:51just want to be happy myself I mean I
22:53find that it's actually harder with kids
22:56my youngest is
22:5938 and my oldest is 53. And uh yeah,
23:03they're as needy now as they were in the
23:0517. There's just an there's just another
23:07zero in all the needs. Uh
23:11or two zeros or three zeros depending on
23:13what's going on in their life. And by
23:16the way, you'll miss some opportunities
23:18if you try and do it sequentially
23:20because you know, can you wait to be
23:22happy? I can't imagine living life
23:24saying, I will finally be happy when
23:26I've got $100 million. That's a little
23:29bit of a nonsense. And by the way, your
23:32family will never wait. You know, they
23:34find ways to cope if you don't deal with
23:36it now. So, what we saw in these people
23:39was a very interesting phenomena. They
23:41sort of looked at life and said, "Oh,
23:43achievement, significance, happiness."
23:45And they told stories about starting
23:47small. They'd tell stories of each of
23:50these things that happened to them when
23:51they're young. They weren't having a big
23:53impact, but they could talk about
23:55significance of what they did for
23:57people. They could talk about small
23:58achievements. I mean, we had stories of
24:00high school achievements from people
24:02that actually Peter Yubber told us a
24:05story about his high school experience.
24:07Now, he ran the Los Angeles Olympics and
24:09was very famous in a lot of things. He
24:12was also the guy that helped restore Los
24:14Angeles after Watts. But his stories
24:16went way back, both of significance and
24:18achievement. And by the way, as they
24:20went through this, they told bigger and
24:22bigger stories. And you know, the
24:24problem is we don't know when it's going
24:25to end. I was pretty healthy. I'd
24:28exercised in the morning. I was walking
24:29across campus when I died. Uh happily it
24:32was January 3rd and it was a warm day
24:33and people were around. But if I'd been
24:36three minutes later, I would be I
24:38wouldn't be here. Uh because I would
24:40have been in my office and you had about
24:42four minutes to get help. But they also
24:45told stories all the legacies they spun
24:47off and many of them could not. They
24:49were much more interested in the
24:50legacies from early in their life
24:53whether it was something they did in
24:54high school that has endured something
24:56somebody they helped when they first got
24:58in their career. So it was a very
25:00interesting set of stories about the way
25:02they sort of spun this through a spiral
25:04of life. Now there's it's really easy to
25:07put things in the wrong domain. Uh we
25:10live in Cambridge. There is a school
25:12there where I swear that kids are the
25:15achievement. You know, mine is the
25:17smartest kid in the room, and if you
25:18don't believe it, I'm going to beat you
25:19up. Um, this is the parent speaking. Um,
25:24if you say I'm never as happy as when
25:25I'm at the office, I think you got a
25:28problem. Uh, I love my work. I I've had
25:32the best career in the world. But
25:34actually, there's some other things I
25:35like, too. Is my children's trust the
25:38legacy I'm leaving? I don't think so. uh
25:42and visible leadership of charities of
25:44significance. Um I've been the chairman
25:47of the board of NPR and been actively
25:49involved in a lot of charities and some
25:51of it's
25:53you know you you get in there and some
25:55of the elbows are equally sharp shall we
25:57say in some of these charities as they
25:59are at any business that ever been
26:02involved in. And one of the questions I
26:04always ask people is where do you put
26:05your tennis? You know I'm 71 years old.
26:08I play tennis badly, but I really enjoy
26:12it. But, you know, that's not going to I
26:14was with a friend the other day who's 72
26:18who pays Federer to warm him up.
26:22uh he's very good
26:26but you know at 72
26:31um he can afford it so it's not a
26:33problem but it's that's a very important
26:35part of his self identity is being able
26:38to win at tennis and his sons
26:43his sons are starting to beat him and
26:46boy is this bad now his son happens to
26:48be on the tennis team at a major
26:50university uh Uh but he still thinks he
26:53should be able to beat his son. Now he
26:54he can play head games on his son so he
26:56wins quite often. But uh
27:00so you know if you think about it I
27:02think the lesson of the book was most
27:04people
27:06seek all for satisfactions in all
27:08domains and seeking one printers you
27:12hinders you pursuing the others. We only
27:14have 24 hours a day. The time you spend
27:16on achievement you don't spend on
27:19significance.
27:20that great satisfaction from one source
27:23can't make up for missing on the others.
27:28And
27:29I hate the word balance.
27:32I always think of it as a seal that has
27:35something sitting on his nose spinning
27:37around. Um I think unfortunately
27:42it's about juggling.
27:44Now you know juggling is really an art.
27:48If you think about juggling,
27:50you got to keep your eye on all the
27:52balls. You know, if you only look at one
27:54ball, you're going to drop the others.
27:56So, you got to keep your eye on all the
27:58balls.
28:00When you touch something, you have to
28:01give it energy. You know, nobody
28:03applauds you as a juggler if you hold
28:05all the balls in your hand. You can
28:06balance the balls, but that's not a very
28:08interesting thing. And in juggling, you
28:10catch it and you throw it almost
28:11immediately, but you have to give it
28:13energy. You have to give it direction,
28:15and you have to get rid of it. And you
28:17have to calculate if those of you who I
28:20just love to go to cir. You see them
28:23throwing these things and they catch
28:25them over there. How they get them to
28:27come down at the right time over there
28:28is absolutely beyond me. But I think
28:30what it amounts to is really practice.
28:32Which is why when you think of those
28:35spirals, these people that we admire
28:38often have been practicing the skill of
28:40juggling all of their life. And what's
28:44the most important ball in juggling?
28:46It's the falling ball. It's not the one
28:48at the top. It's not the one in the
28:50hand. It's the one you're about to drop.
28:52Now, in life, I find that there are some
28:55rubber balls. Careers tend to be fairly
28:58rubber. They'll bounce. Um, you know,
29:02family, it's a little harder. Sometimes
29:04if you drop that one, it shatters. So,
29:07the falling ball is an tremendously
29:09important thing. Now if you think about
29:12the dynamics of life in the early stages
29:15you don't think much about legacy you
29:18know I can think when I was 21 I I
29:21didn't really think about what I was
29:22doing for legacy purposes although in
29:24fact when I look back and by the way if
29:27I tell the story of the kids I can tell
29:28them why writing the how the headski
29:31case or some of the things I did when I
29:33was very young turned out to be a part
29:35of the legacy but that wasn't the reason
29:37I wrote it I just thought Howard Head
29:39was
29:40um
29:41you know as you get to be in early
29:43career this is a time when you start to
29:45make the attachments as as an said it's
29:48one of the important things about having
29:50some people to talk to it may be a
29:53spouse it may not be a spouse but if you
29:54don't build your friends and it's
29:56amazing to me at my age how many of the
29:58people I really know well and like I
30:01became friends with early in my life
30:03that somehow the shared experience the
30:06shared traumas the shared things are so
30:09important to those relationships and the
30:12happiness. If you don't know by the time
30:15you're in your 30s what makes you happy,
30:18stop and ask yourself that question. I
30:20know what makes me happy. I love to have
30:23lunch with friends or dinner with
30:24friends. It's something I seek out
30:27because if I go for a week without
30:29having,
30:31you know, between after family and if I
30:33don't talk to all my kids at least two
30:35or three times a week, I feel badly. Um,
30:38you know, and some of it's they're busy,
30:40I'm busy, but somehow we find time to
30:42talk. But happiness, you got to know
30:44what it means. And you got to say,
30:45that's something I seek out on a regular
30:48basis. I'm not going to postpone it. And
30:50then, of course, the big red ball in the
30:53ear career is the achievement. You know,
30:56very few people are Grandma Moses. You
30:58don't achieve starting at 83. Um, so
31:01this is the early career dynamics. In
31:02the midcareer,
31:04we sort of get on a path. We know what
31:07makes us happy. We've settled on who's
31:09significant to us. Uh unless there's a
31:12major change
31:14uh and we're sort of know where the
31:16achievement goes and then legacy starts
31:18to raise its head. Well, what do I
31:21really care about? Am I doing the things
31:23that I care about? Will I be proud of my
31:26life at the end? You know, there's
31:28usually something when one of your 43y
31:30old friends dies of a heart attack. It's
31:32a wakeup call. Remember when Pat Lyles
31:35died? Some of you probably remember Pat,
31:37but uh when he died, you hm he was the
31:41runner. He was in good health. He was
31:43supposed to be my trustee if I died. And
31:46now I'm picking up his pieces. And by
31:48the way, he wasn't. Well, I had to
31:51figure out where where the pieces were
31:52first before I could pick them up. Uh it
31:56was a good lesson to me. But then we get
31:58into this golden years. Uh
32:01I'm not going to achieve a lot more.
32:02I've got one more book I'm working on
32:04now. I've gotten, you know, but of the
32:0716 books have I written, uh, they're
32:09there. And as one time somebody
32:12introduced me, what Howard you write
32:14books that once you put them down, you
32:15can't pick them up. Um,
32:18but
32:21the achievement is what it is. Uh
32:25I find that with 12 grandchildren, seven
32:27kids and lots of friends, you know, you
32:32have to work hard at maintaining those
32:34relationships. You know, now happily in
32:37the world of the internet and happily in
32:39the world of email and things you can
32:42keep in contact in ways that you just
32:43never did before. But you still have to
32:45work at it and you have to ask yourself,
32:47do I have enough time or am I allocating
32:49enough time to it? And then legacy is
32:51there. But at this point, you know, if
32:53you're not happy, uh, forget about it,
32:56as they say. So, I want to go back to
32:59the key problems. You can't achieve in
33:01all dimensions. I will never be a great
33:03tennis player. I'll never be a great
33:04skier. There are a lot of things. I will
33:06never be a singer. I can go through all
33:08the things I won't be. So, I have to
33:10focus on what I want to be. What are my
33:12skills? What are my where where do I
33:14feel good about myself in the
33:16competition the world? You know, one of
33:18the things I learned early in life, I
33:20worked with a guy and I said, he was one
33:22of the people that helped coin the word
33:23automation in the his manufacturing
33:25course and he went into the paper
33:28industry. I said, Joe, why did you go in
33:29the paper industry? He said, John Debo
33:31would like to compete with smart people.
33:32I prefer to compete with dumb people.
33:34Uh, and it was a lesson I learned in
33:36life. Uh, why would I ever want to be a
33:38mathematician? They're really smart
33:39people that work hard and love math. I
33:42wasn't one of them. Um,
33:45again, things change. things change and
33:48you change. You know, I thought I would
33:51end my golden years with a lot of
33:53travel. Well, it turns out I run out of
33:55breath pretty easily. You know, I was up
33:57on Monaka two weeks ago uh at the
34:00Smithsonian Observatory there. Well, I
34:03was really glad they brought oxygen uh
34:05because I could make it up the hill. Uh
34:08when I started to walk a couple hundred
34:09feet at 14,000 ft, I said 13,000. Yeah.
34:1213,756
34:14to be precise. Uh, but it I was excited
34:18about going to the observatory, but I
34:19recognize that I'm not going to walk up
34:21a lot of those hills by myself. Uh,
34:24this still exists. I still look around
34:28and see things I could have had, I
34:30didn't have, and I still wse and there
34:33is a wse factor. But if you don't get
34:35over it and say, I don't feel like I
34:37made the wrong decisions. I just wse and
34:39say that was a choice I chose. I chose
34:42it constant consciously and I have no
34:44regrets.
34:46This was if the first surprise was the
34:48complexity of success and the second
34:50surprise was the emotional drivers and
34:54how complex humans are because of the
34:57diversity of emotional drivers. The
34:59third surprise to us was the role of
35:02enough. Now enough's a funny English
35:03word. It has a lower bound. Have you
35:06done enough? And when you're yelling at
35:09your kids, that's enough. It has an
35:11upper bound. And defining an It's
35:15interesting if you do a search other
35:17than Bill McKibben's book on enough
35:20there isn't much out there on enough.
35:22That's not a word that come. We always
35:24want more. It's like Samuel Gumpers the
35:27great labor leader when ask what he
35:28wanted the answer was more. Now
35:32what we saw in these people
35:35was a reason sense of enough. And that
35:38was a very interesting insight to us
35:40because
35:42there's enough on two different
35:44dimensions. One two counts. One is the
35:46dimensionality. What's enough in the
35:49achievement? What's enough significance?
35:51What's enough happiness? You know,
35:53because
35:55if you don't define enough, you have to
35:57go for more. And the more crowds out
36:00something else.
36:03And
36:04figuring out where your achievements
36:06are. What are the subparts of
36:08achievement? What are the real
36:09dimensions of achievement that matter to
36:11you? Now, to me, ideas are important.
36:14So, writing books has been something I
36:16like and work hard at. Uh, and then
36:20there's a question of time because
36:22what's enough for today, what's enough
36:25for this week, what's enough for this
36:26year, and what's enough for a lifetime.
36:29Those become particularly important in
36:31implementing a sense of enough. Now,
36:36I think there's some benchmarks for
36:37enough. Most of us need progress.
36:41You know, even if you have a lot of
36:42money,
36:44you don't feel good if you don't make
36:45more. Now, I developed a trick for
36:48myself.
36:50I try and keep a balance sheet that
36:52includes the money I've given away.
36:56Uh because for me, to die the richest
37:00person in the cemetery is not the goal.
37:03But on the other hand, I like, you know,
37:05I sort of a measurement type of guy. And
37:07so sort of understanding how much I've
37:10given to charity over my lifetime and
37:12keeping that in my balance sheet, how
37:14much I've given to my kids, those kind
37:16of things actually help me just feel
37:17good about the total even though I sort
37:22of set a number that I'm going to I've
37:24stayed at for about 10 years and
37:25anything over that I give away. Uh but I
37:28want to keep track. I want to understand
37:30what's what's going on. I think one of
37:33the things about enough
37:36is you can put an activity down with
37:37satisfaction. If you say, "What's my and
37:40I I enjoyed Ann's talk this morning
37:42because having that list of things that
37:44I want to accomplish today means you can
37:47actually do it. If you don't have a
37:50list, you'll never finish it. If you
37:52have a list, you can actually sit down
37:54and say, "Oh, this is a good day. I got
37:55everything done." And but you have to be
37:57realistic about what you're going to do
37:59today. My wife always has lists that are
38:01impossible.
38:02And she also starts with the hardest
38:04task. I tend to start with those things
38:06that I can check off the quickest so I
38:09can get 15 things done that I feel good
38:11about even if there's one damn thing
38:13that's left over. But in fact, that
38:15becomes very important. But also by
38:19having sort of a sense of what you want
38:21to accomplish, you can see different
38:24benefits from another activity. So, if
38:27you say, "Well, I got to talk to the
38:29kids today." Well, that's not in the
38:32achievement goal. But if I can say,
38:34"Well, I talked to three of them today.
38:36I had to listen to one more thing about
38:38how Hollywood is hard to work in." Um,
38:43but I listen to that every day. I just
38:45wanted to turn on the tape and say,
38:46"Yeah, I I told you I I worked once with
38:49George C. Scott. I understand the
38:51business you're in." Um
38:53but the other thing about enough is if
38:56you start to do it you can say now I did
38:59I had enough work for today that doesn't
39:01mean I'm not going to work tomorrow so I
39:03want to come back to it tomorrow. So
39:05part of it is lists but part of it a
39:07sense of what's enough because enough
39:10does some wonderful things.
39:13What are your values?
39:15Now, for example, in money, you see, if
39:18one of my values is giving it away, you
39:20have to figure out a way to in fact
39:23measure that in your life. Um,
39:27what do you want to do for your kids?
39:31You know, I I was with a
39:34person on one of my recent trips and he
39:36said, "Well, I don't want to give my
39:37kids too much money. I will spoil them.
39:40And they, you know, I came from a poor
39:42background and if I give them money,
39:44they won't feel driven to achieve. And I
39:47was sitting there in a house
39:49which the ceilings were at least 20 ft
39:52tall. The uh
39:55the main spine of the house was 300 ft
39:57long. At the end was a wine celler which
40:00had oat bion opus one Harland visible to
40:04the guests by the way. Uh, and you're
40:06saying now you want your kids to do
40:08exactly what you did. I think you're
40:10setting up for failure because a
40:14Well, anyway, you actually said that,
40:16didn't you? Yes.
40:18Um, I'm getting to Well, my grandmother
40:20at 92 said, "Well, I'm old enough to say
40:22what I think." And I said, "Bobby,
40:24you've always said that, so why worry
40:25about it?"
40:28But one of the things is enough sets
40:31limits.
40:32You know, if you start to say, well, how
40:34much do I need to protect myself, my
40:36family? Um, you can start to say, well,
40:39then the rest is excess. How do I want
40:42to use it?
40:45One of the things about enough it allows
40:47the transitions because once you achieve
40:50something, you say now it's time for the
40:52next thing. And I think one of the most
40:55important things I learned from these
40:57people is having a sense of enough both
40:59motivates you because I want to get to
41:01there but it rewards you once you've
41:03achieved it and that becomes a very
41:06important part of life. So setting
41:08limits increases the dimensionality of
41:10success which I think is sort of
41:12counterintuitive
41:14but in fact by setting the limits it
41:16allows you to juggle. It allows you to
41:18say I can throw that ball away now.
41:21What's the next ball I have to catch?
41:23Now, the bad news is this is a dynamic
41:25activity. The bad news is it requires a
41:28lot of energy. There's a lot of bad news
41:29in this, but that's okay because I think
41:34most of you are a little bit like sharks
41:36as somebody described me. If I stop
41:38swimming, I die. That I can't imagine
41:41stopping. And so, part of what you do is
41:44say, look, I can't do this. What can I
41:46do now that I want to do? So,
41:50you know, I think one of the things is
41:52what do you want in these four domains?
41:55What's your profile look like now?
41:58Again, being honest with yourself. Are
42:00you on your way to an ideal?
42:03Does your success reflect your core
42:05drivers? You know, most of us can't get
42:09very far away from what we were taught
42:10at home. Uh I know I can't. Um I hope my
42:15kids can't. You know, it's interesting.
42:17I had a discussion with the kids about
42:19grandchildren. Uh I said, you know, they
42:23have well minimum four grandparents in
42:26some cases more because there have been
42:28several divorces. Uh and so I don't have
42:32a great influence on the values of my
42:33grandchildren. You know, everybody draws
42:35their tree. This is my family. But the
42:39kids all look up and say, "No, I'm part
42:41of 4 8 16 32 64 families. which one am I
42:46supposed to be part of? And I and by the
42:48way, when they marry, they bring a whole
42:51different set of values into the
42:53equation. And you're not going to
42:54destroy that. Uh what's the rule of
42:56life? You either gain a daughter or lose
42:58a son. Uh and you better remember that.
43:02And then the question that's really deep
43:04is, are my drivers positive? Are they
43:07negative? My friend who's comparing
43:09himself to Bill Gates, I think has some
43:11pretty negative envy drivers in it. my
43:14friend who writes the uh thousand-year
43:16trust, you know, why do you really want
43:19to control your kids uh I
43:25there there are a number of funny
43:27stories of people I mean this one guy
43:30talking to quite wealthy we're talking
43:32about how they manage their money and
43:35what he should be doing and he said well
43:36I'm never going to get the in-laws in
43:39it's all about my children and I thought
43:41the money came from his wife's father uh
43:46uh you know I well anyway I you I did
43:50point that out to him too. I don't think
43:53it had any impact but I felt like but
43:54you felt honest. Yeah. So
43:59when we think about it I think these
44:01things apply
44:03in our care professional career as well.
44:06Achievements about innovation getting
44:08results we got to do that or we don't
44:10succeed. That significance is about
44:12developing people, focusing on the
44:14customer and our other stakeholders.
44:17Frank Batten, how many of you know the
44:19name Frank Batton?
44:21I'm trying to remember one of them.
44:25Bat batten hall is one reason. Uh
44:29uh Frank developed a company called
44:31Landmark Communications, the weather
44:33channel and things like that. He is the
44:35guy that said he'd pay $250,000 to get
44:37off the Forbes list. Um, but he said,
44:41"My purpose with my business is serving
44:43my customers at a profit. It's not about
44:45maximizing shareholder wealth. Profit is
44:48a constraint, not my goal. I want to
44:50serve the customers. If I don't make
44:53enough money, I go out of business. If I
44:54make too much money, it says I'm
44:56probably not reinvesting enough in my
44:58people, my community, and my product."
45:01And that was always something I served
45:02on his board for 21 years. Uh he's also
45:06somebody who taught me a lot about
45:07fundraising because I went in to ask him
45:10for a lot of money and I think I'm going
45:14to get in a fight because I'm going to
45:16tell him how important Harvard Business
45:17School is and he's going to tell me how
45:20important the University of Virginia is
45:21and then he's going to tell me how
45:23important Old Dominion University is
45:25where his wife is the chairman of the
45:27board. then he's going to tell me about
45:28how he was going to be a juvenile of
45:30delinquent and he went to uh military
45:33school, Culver Academy, and it saved
45:34him. And I I knew the conversation. So I
45:37walked in and said, "Frank, it's really
45:40important. We've got this need to uh
45:42liberate the parking lot from the
45:44university and we need help. Can I be
45:47number five on your list?"
45:49And he looked at me, "That's about
45:51right." And he gave us $35 million and
45:54we were number five. uh but he gave it
45:58in less than six weeks and I was just
46:00thinking but Frank was a guy that had a
46:02tremendous influence on my life and
46:04somebody who really epitomized that
46:07legacies ethical conduct and strategic
46:10leadership you know that old notion if
46:11you don't only the lead sled dog has a
46:14change of view and happiness
46:17uh satisfaction now I want to give you a
46:19few of the lessons
46:21that we got in the Howard's gift one is
46:23I think you got to start at the end What
46:26is
46:27what's going to be said about me when I
46:29die? What are my kids going to remember?
46:31Nobody publishes your balance sheet in
46:33your obituary. So, what do I want said?
46:36I think a second one is we all got to
46:39Harvard Business School by getting an A
46:41in every class. We're not going to get
46:43an A+ in everything in life. And that's
46:45a pretty important thing to remember.
46:48What is it that we can let go? Because
46:50we're not going to be great golf players
46:53unless we practice every day.
46:55I think the other thing is a thing that
46:58Eric, who is the guy that actually wrote
47:00the book, said, "Everybody's outside
47:02looks better than my inside." We know
47:04our inside and we're seeing other
47:06people's outsides. And I think the more
47:10we know people, the more we see their
47:12pain and their struggles, the better it
47:15is to remember that we're not alone in
47:17the struggles about feeling occasionally
47:20that we're up to. And then the last
47:23thing is everybody everything about the
47:24future is a bet. You know, even the
47:27future is there going to be a future is
47:28a bet. Now, we probably all ought to act
47:31as though there's going to be a future.
47:32And I'm sort of sad to see American
47:34savings rates where they are because it
47:36acts as though there is no future or
47:38somebody else will take care of us. Now,
47:42these are the truths I learned. Some of
47:43the questions ask,
47:45are we at an inflection point? I think
47:48back in my career and inflection point
47:50for those of you who weren't math majors
47:52is where there is no tangent there.
47:54There's no direction and we all run into
47:57inflection points.
48:00My wife leaving was an infle important
48:02inflection point in my life. The
48:04decision to give up tenure was an
48:06important inflection point. Some of them
48:08are very visible, but I think so many
48:11people pass inflection points where
48:12they're without ever stopping and
48:13saying, "Is this freeing me to make a
48:16change in direction?
48:17And I think of inflection points whether
48:20they're negative or positive as gifts
48:23because if you stop and recognize them
48:24you can say what do I want to do? Second
48:27question is is the juice juice worth the
48:30squeeze? By that I mean if you want a
48:32glass of orange juice don't squeeze
48:34grapefruits. Uh and yet how many people
48:38you know I always say the thing about
48:39Harvard business graduates is they're so
48:41competitive they have to be first at the
48:43dump on Saturday morning. If the gun
48:45sounds, they want to run the race. Now,
48:47the question is, are we going in the
48:49direction we want to go? Am I cheating
48:51at solitire?
48:53Now, again, one of the things in my own
48:55life is I was pretty good at math. I won
48:57a state math contest. I didn't I got to
49:00Stanford and I discovered they're really
49:02smart people who love math, who worked
49:03hard at it, and willing to sacrifice
49:05things to it. I said, I'm not one of
49:06those people. Uh, you know, I love math.
49:09I love quantitative. I But I'm not going
49:12to compete with those guys. And thank
49:14God I didn't. I went to the Harvard
49:16Business School.
49:18Am I explicit about the bets I'm making?
49:21You know, I think one of the things
49:22about being explicit about the bets is
49:24you can say there are three states of
49:26nature. I won, I lost, or I still don't
49:29know. How many people make a bet and
49:33have lost but are unwilling to admit it?
49:34They sort of wiggle around. Well, the
49:36world is changing. I'll I'll make it up
49:38next time.
49:40And one of the questions we ask in the
49:43book is the culture question. Am I in
49:45the right place? There are places that
49:47are toxic. There are places that are
49:49good for other people, bad for us. How
49:51do we evaluate the culture in which
49:53you're embedded? I know for me, Harvard
49:56Business School has been a great benefit
49:58in my life. Uh I was embedded in a place
50:01that gave me freedom to do what I wanted
50:03to do. It gave me insight and access.
50:08But there are a lot of places that I
50:09think I would have failed. So I had to
50:11choose the right culture. So some
50:14important rules and I want to end I
50:17think we're supposed to end at 10:30. Is
50:19that
50:20live life forward? You know I after
50:24almost 72 years of life I find many
50:27people living life backwards. You know
50:30the divorce how many people are trying
50:32to change the past?
50:35um
50:36you know you can't change the past. You
50:38can learn from the past but you can't
50:39change the past. So figuring out how you
50:42sort of say that's behind me what have I
50:44learned now let me move forward is so
50:47critical. I
50:49I was once in Ireland and uh I was the
50:53guest to the government and as one of
50:55the prizes I was meeting with three
50:58ministers for dinner and we'd all had a
51:00few drinks and I turned to one and I
51:03said that's an unusual Irish name. He
51:06says I'm not Irish. I'm Danish.
51:09I said that's unusual that you'd be a
51:11minister of state in this country.
51:14When did your when did you arrive? He
51:16says they came over 1100 years ago.
51:19And I thought this is a bit of an
51:21interesting way of calculating. I mean,
51:231100 years ago, that's 50 generations.
51:25What percentage of his blood is really
51:27Danish? But he identified as being
51:29Danish. I turned to the minister of
51:33reconciliation. I said, "Why is there a
51:35problem between you and England?" He
51:37said, "They stole our land." And I said,
51:40"When did they steal your land?" It was
51:4316 something or other. And you sort of
51:45say, 'Well,
51:47but we've been watching it. I said,
51:49'Boy, that's an old man that's been
51:51watching it. He says, 'N no, generations
51:53have been watching it and it's ours. And
51:55I thought, and this is guy in charge of
51:57reconciliation.
51:58Um,
52:01I found the same thing in Slovenia where
52:03people were telling me about the evils
52:04that had occurred in either 1400 or 400
52:07depending on whether you were fighting
52:08between the Orthodox and the uh, eastern
52:12right, western right or between the
52:13Muslims which is about 1100 they were
52:15fighting and they kept telling me these
52:16stories and I think live life forward
52:18it's a lot easier. I think a second
52:21lesson I actually don't particularly
52:24like the word mentor. Um, I enjoyed
52:28Ann's comments on mentorship, but I
52:30think part of the problem is
52:34there I'm not even quite sure what it
52:36means because I know nobody that I want
52:39their advice on all parts of my life. U
52:42so I think of it much more as trying to
52:44form an individual board of directors
52:46where you're trying to find people whose
52:48advice you value on certain aspects of
52:51your life. That means
52:53I mean
52:55we looked at the Harvard Business
52:57School. I asked one of the jobs I had. I
53:00asked people to uh
53:05tell us as part of the resource
53:07allocation process who are their mentors
53:10and we divided them up into teaching,
53:12research and course development. And it
53:14was interesting. Uh, nobody received
53:17more than 17 mentions even though
53:18everybody could name three names because
53:21mentoring is hard work. Secondly, very
53:23few people were mentioned in all three
53:25categories.
53:27And thirdly, some of the people who
53:28thought they were mentors were never
53:29mentioned by anybody, which I thought
53:32was also interesting. They were
53:34perfectly willing to give advice. It
53:37just wasn't listened to. But I think
53:39what you discover or at least what I've
53:41discovered is there are people I go to
53:43to say here's what I'm thinking about in
53:46certain areas and some of them I
53:48wouldn't ask anything about personal
53:49life because I don't particularly admire
53:51their personal life but I do admire and
53:54one of the things it does is ask you
53:57what are these persons what are the
53:59what's this person's particular skill
54:01where do I value their advice because
54:03then you can start to say well if I can
54:05get six or seven people that I I can
54:08talk to and you can't manage more than
54:09six or seven of those. Uh it's an
54:12important problem. You know, I guess
54:16another thing I like to say to people is
54:19life is risky and some things are
54:22uncontrollable. Now, I I'm on the board
54:26of some health organizations.
54:29Um
54:31I'm amazed how many people don't take
54:34their medicine.
54:36um that's a controllable risk. You know,
54:39you can't take ferosmide if you're going
54:40to give a speech. You have to wait till
54:42after the speech is over. But in fact,
54:46figuring out what the risks are and say
54:48there's some I can control and some I
54:50can't control. You know, it's almost the
54:52Reinhold Nebra prayer of Lord grant me
54:55the strength to change those things
54:56which can be changed, the patience to
54:58accept those which can't, and the wisdom
55:00to know which is which. But I think that
55:02what you start to say is let me make
55:04sure that I understand this is not a
55:07risky career.
55:09These these are the aspects of the
55:11career that make it risky. Which ones
55:13can I control, which ones I can't. And
55:16if you can't control any of it, you
55:18probably ought to get out of the way.
55:20And then the last sort of piece of
55:23advice I'd give is plan for the ripple,
55:24not the splash. I think one of the
55:27interesting things is we're in a culture
55:28that's interested in the splash. But in
55:31fact, most of us are in a place where we
55:33throw some stones and they're big
55:35ripples. And one of the most satisfying
55:38things at my life is the ripples. The
55:41things that you really didn't know you
55:42had any impact on. And people come up
55:44and say, "Oh, you helped me. I you said
55:46something to me. You helped me choose a
55:48career." I mean those are the things
55:50that really at the end of you know 43
55:53years of teaching and 72 years of life
55:56really make a difference. So I'm going
55:58to give you your test
56:01uh first question is who are you? What
56:04are the values? What what do you want at
56:06the end to be able to say uh if in that
56:09last second of life I didn't get a
56:12chance to do that. I just went down uh
56:14people I smelled neither sulfur nor did
56:16I see a white light. So, I don't know
56:18what happened, but uh maybe they got me
56:20too fast. But who are you? What are the
56:22values that you're bringing to your
56:24life?
56:25Which satisfactions, if any, are you on
56:27the way to missing? You know, again,
56:29it's the juggling metaphor. Catch the
56:31falling ball. Uh who's important to you
56:34and are you helping them to succeed?
56:36Um I think that when Anne said, uh
56:41nothing wrong with money, but the
56:42richness of your life won't be measured
56:44by it is incredibly important.
56:47and the people you've helped are
56:50probably as important a measure of life
56:51as anything else. And then what's your
56:54time frame for action? And being an old
56:57hippie, uh the time for taking this test
57:00is the rest of your life. Otherwise
57:01known as today is the first day of the
57:03rest of your life. So that's my story.
57:05And I think I almost ended it on time.
57:06So thank you very much.

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