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Brene Brown.5 Behaviors of a Man Who Doesn’t Value You — Transcript

by Voice of Ideas · 3,112 words · 470 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00I want to start with a simple truth. The
0:02way a person treats you is the loudest,
0:04most undeniable expression of how they
0:07see you. It's not about grand gestures
0:10or poetic words whispered in the quiet
0:13hours.
0:15It's about the small everyday choices
0:17that either build you up or wear you
0:20down. And when someone doesn't value
0:24you, you don't have to go looking for
0:26the signs. They're right there in front
0:28of you. So, let's talk about four
0:31behaviors of a man who doesn't see your
0:33worth. Not because we need more reasons
0:35to be disappointed, but because naming
0:38what hurts us is the first step in
0:41healing. We've all heard the words, "I
0:43love you" before. They come easily,
0:46sometimes too easily. They can be
0:49whispered in the quiet of the night,
0:51scribbled in a last minute birthday
0:53card, or texted between meetings. And
0:55for a moment, those words can feel like
0:58everything. They can feel like security,
1:02like warmth, like home. But words alone
1:05are not enough. They never have been.
1:08Because love, real love, is not just a
1:11sound that rolls off the tongue. It's
1:13not just a sentence you say when the
1:15moment feels right. Love is a verb. It's
1:18movement. It's action. It's something
1:21you do, not something you simply claim.
1:25You see, anyone can say they love you.
1:27Anyone can string together a few
1:29syllables that sound sweet. But what
1:32truly matters is what happens next. What
1:35happens when life gets inconvenient?
1:38What happens when you need them? Not
1:40just when it's easy, but when it's hard.
1:42What happens when their love requires
1:44effort, sacrifice, and commitment? Love
1:48is not just the beautiful words spoken
1:50in candle light. It's in the way they
1:52show up for you when you're exhausted,
1:56when you're struggling, when you feel
1:58unworthy, and they remind you that you
2:01are more than enough. It's in the way
2:04they listen, not just hear, but listen
2:06because what matters to you matters to
2:08them. It's in the way they follow
2:10through on their promises, not just
2:13because they said they would, but
2:14because they understand that trust is
2:16built in the small, ordinary moments.
2:20Love is in the way they support your
2:22dreams, even when it's inconvenient.
2:25It's in the way they hold space for you,
2:27making sure you never feel like you're
2:29fighting your battles alone. It's in the
2:32way they remember the little things, not
2:35because they have to, but because loving
2:38you means knowing you deeply and
2:40intentionally. And love is also in the
2:43way they respect you. Uh because love
2:45without respect isn't love at all. It's
2:48in the way they refuse to make you feel
2:50small, how they celebrate your
2:52victories,
2:54and how they never make you feel like a
2:56burden for having emotions, needs, or
2:59expectations. On the other hand, if
3:01someone tells you they love you but
3:03never follows through, if they make
3:05promises and break them, if they show up
3:08only when it's convenient, if they say
3:10all the right things but leave you
3:12feeling empty, then that isn't love.
3:15That's just performance. Real love is
3:18shown in effort. It's shown in
3:21commitment. It's shown in the way
3:23someone chooses you. Not once, not in
3:25passing, but every single day. So don't
3:30be fooled by pretty words without
3:32substance. Don't settle for promises
3:35that never come to life. Because the
3:37love that is meant for you, the love
3:40that is real, deep, and lasting will
3:42never be confined to words alone. It
3:45will be something you see, feel, and
3:48know without ever having to question it.
3:51Disrespect doesn't happen by accident.
3:55It's not something that just slips out
3:57in a moment of frustration or
4:00exhaustion. It's not a misunderstanding.
4:02It's a pattern, a reflection of how
4:04someone truly sees you, how much they
4:06value you, and ultimately what they
4:09believe they can get away with. At
4:11first, disrespect can be subtle. It
4:15might look like a dismissive comment, a
4:17joke at your expense, or an eye roll
4:20when you express your feelings. Maybe
4:22they interrupt you in conversations, cut
4:25you off, or make decisions without
4:27considering you. Maybe they forget
4:29important things, not once or twice, but
4:32repeatedly as if your needs are an
4:34afterthought. And when you bring it up,
4:37they brush it off. You're overreacting.
4:40I was just joking. Why do you always
4:42make a big deal out of everything? But
4:44here's the truth. Disrespect thrives in
4:49the space between your discomfort and
4:52their excuses. It grows stronger every
4:55time you let it slide. Every time you
4:57second guessess yourself, every time you
4:59choose to keep the peace instead of
5:02demanding the respect you deserve.
5:05Because here's what you need to
5:06understand. Someone who truly values you
5:10will care about how they make you feel.
5:13They will want to make things right when
5:16they realize they've hurt you. They will
5:18apologize not just with words but with
5:21changed behavior. But someone who
5:24doesn't respect you, they will dismiss,
5:27deflect, and defend. Instead of
5:30acknowledging your feelings, they will
5:32try to make you doubt them. instead of
5:35taking responsibility, they will turn it
5:37back on you. And if you stay if you keep
5:40explaining why their words or actions
5:43hurt you, they will keep pushing the
5:45boundary a little further each time,
5:50testing just how much you're willing to
5:52tolerate. That's why disrespect isn't a
5:55one-time thing. It's a pattern. And
5:58patterns don't break on their own. So
6:00pay attention to how someone speaks to
6:02you, how they treat you in public and in
6:04private, how they respond when you set a
6:07boundary. Do they listen and adjust or
6:10do they ignore and push back? Do they
6:12make you feel safe or do they make you
6:15question your worth? Because at the end
6:17of the day, respect is not something you
6:19should have to beg for. It's not
6:22something you should have to justify or
6:24prove you deserve. The right person will
6:26give it freely, not because you demand
6:28it, but because they genuinely care
6:30about you. And the wrong person, they
6:32will keep disrespecting you for as long
6:34as you allow it. So the real question
6:38isn't whether they understand what
6:40they're doing, it's whether you're
6:41willing to keep excusing it. There will
6:43be moments in life when someone, maybe a
6:46friend, a partner, a colleague, or even
6:49a family member, will try to make you
6:52believe that your worth is something
6:54that can be debated, something that is
6:56conditional, something that depends on
6:58how much you give, how easy you are to
7:01deal with, or how well you fit into
7:03their expectations. Let me be clear,
7:06that is a lie. Your worth is not a
7:09bargaining chip. It is not a contract
7:11with fine print. It is not something
7:13that another person gets to determine,
7:16alter, or take away from you. Yet the
7:19world will test you. You will meet
7:22people who make you feel like you have
7:24to prove yourself like you have to
7:26shrink, adjust, or constantly be more
7:29more patient, more forgiving, more
7:31agreeable just to be seen, to be loved,
7:35to be valued. And at first, you might do
7:38it. You might bend, compromise, and
7:41twist yourself into a shape that makes
7:44them more comfortable. But let me ask
7:46you, at what cost? Because every time
7:49you allow someone to treat you like your
7:51worth is up for negotiation,
7:54a small part of you starts to disappear.
7:58You start to believe the false narrative
8:00that you are only as valuable as what
8:02you can offer, that love is something
8:04you have to earn, that respect is
8:07something you have to fight for. But
8:09that is not the truth. The truth is your
8:11worth was never meant to be something
8:14placed in someone else's hands. It was
8:16never meant to be conditional on how
8:18much someone else approves of you. You
8:21are not valuable because of what you can
8:24do for someone. You are valuable because
8:26you exist, because you are here, because
8:29you are human.
8:31Um, and let's be honest, people who try
8:35to make you question your worth, are not
8:37people who truly care about you.
8:40The right people, the ones who genuinely
8:43love and respect you, will never make
8:45you feel like you have to convince them
8:47to see your value. They will see it on
8:49their own. They will treat you with
8:51kindness, with consistency, and with
8:53respect. Not because you demand it, but
8:56because they know that's what you
8:58deserve. But the wrong people, they will
9:01take what you give and still make you
9:03feel like it's not enough. They will
9:05make you feel like love, respect, and
9:08appreciation are things you have to earn
9:10through sacrifice.
9:12And that's when you have to remind
9:14yourself, I do not have to prove my
9:17worth to anyone because your worth does
9:20not change based on who chooses you or
9:23who doesn't. It does not decrease
9:26because someone fails to see it. And it
9:29certainly doesn't disappear just because
9:31someone treats you poorly. So when
9:33someone tries to make you question your
9:35value,
9:37don't argue,
9:39don't plead.
9:41Don't lower your standards just to fit
9:43into their narrow definition of what
9:45makes a person worthy. Just remember who
9:48you are. Stand firm in it and walk away
9:53from anyone who tries to make you
9:55believe that your worth is up for
9:58debate. There is something about silence
10:01that makes people uncomfortable. We
10:04crave closure, explanations, and
10:06understanding. We want words to fill the
10:09spaces of uncertainty, to reassure us,
10:12to make sense of what we feel. But
10:14here's the truth. Silence is an answer.
10:18It may not be the one you were hoping
10:20for, but it is often the most honest one
10:23you will ever receive. When someone
10:25truly cares, they communicate. They show
10:28up. They clarify. They make an effort to
10:31make things right. Love, respect, and
10:35genuine connection do not thrive in
10:38avoidance, inconsistency, or unanswered
10:41messages. They grow in effort, in
10:44presence, in the willingness to have the
10:46hard conversations. But when someone
10:49consistently meets your feelings with
10:51silence, when they disappear, when
10:53things get difficult, when they refuse
10:55to address problems, when they leave you
10:58in a space of unanswered questions, what
11:01they are telling you is that your
11:03concerns, your emotions, and your
11:06presence are not a priority to them.
11:10That silence is saying, "I don't care
11:12enough to explain. I don't value you
11:15enough to reassure you. I don't see you
11:18as important enough to give you clarity.
11:20And yet, we often try to translate
11:22silence into something it's not. We tell
11:25ourselves maybe they're just busy. Maybe
11:28they're overwhelmed. Maybe they don't
11:30know what to say. And sure, there are
11:33times when silence is a result of
11:34someone processing their emotions. But
11:36let's be honest, if someone values you,
11:40if they truly care about you, they will
11:43find a way to communicate as they won't
11:46let you sit in confusion.
11:48They won't let you wonder where you
11:50stand.
11:52Because here's what you need to
11:53remember. Silence is a choice
11:56and it speaks volumes. It is a form of
11:59communication just as much as words are.
12:01And often it is more revealing than the
12:05excuses someone could give you. If
12:08someone wanted to be there, they would
12:10be. If they wanted to talk, they would
12:12find a way. If they cared, you wouldn't
12:16be left guessing.
12:18So instead of filling in the blanks with
12:20hope, instead of chasing after someone
12:22who refuses to give you clarity, step
12:25back and listen to what the silence is
12:27telling you.
12:29Don't mistake absence for mystery. Don't
12:32mistake avoidance for complexity.
12:34Because the right person will never make
12:37you question your place in their life in
12:39the wrong person. They'll keep you
12:42hanging in uncertainty while you
12:43convince yourself that silence means
12:46something other than what it does. But
12:48deep down, you already know the answer.
12:50You just have to be brave enough to
12:52accept it. Love is not just about
12:54attraction. It's not just about
12:57laughter, passion, or shared
12:59experiences. At its core, love is about
13:02safety. Not just physical safety, but
13:04emotional safety. The feeling that you
13:07can be fully yourself without fear of
13:10judgment, manipulation, or abandonment.
13:13Yet, so many people treat emotional
13:16safety like an afterthought, like a
13:19privilege instead of a necessity. They
13:22stay in relationships where they feel
13:24anxious more often than they feel at
13:26peace. Where they are walking on
13:29eggshells, constantly wondering if today
13:32will be the day things explode, if their
13:34emotions will be too much, if their
13:37partner will withdraw affection the
13:40moment they express a need. But let me
13:43be clear, emotional safety is not a
13:47luxury. It is not something you should
13:49feel lucky to have. It is a fundamental
13:53requirement for any healthy lasting
13:55connection. Without it, love is
13:57unstable. Without it, trust begins to
14:00erode. Without it, you are never truly
14:02free to be yourself. So, what does
14:05emotional safety look like? It looks
14:07like knowing that when you express your
14:10feelings, you will be heard, not
14:12dismissed, mocked, or made to feel
14:15guilty for having emotions. It looks
14:18like being able to disagree without the
14:20fear of silent treatment, manipulation,
14:23or punishment. It's knowing that if
14:25you're struggling, your pain won't be
14:27turned into a weapon against you later.
14:31Emotional safety is feeling secure in
14:34someone's presence. Not because
14:36everything is always perfect, but
14:38because you know that even in difficult
14:40moments, they won't belittle you,
14:43gaslight you, or make you feel like
14:45you're unlovable for having needs. It's
14:49about being with someone who makes it
14:51safe to communicate, who listens to
14:53understand,
14:55not just to reply. On the other hand,
14:58emotional instability is when you never
15:00know where you stand. When you are
15:02constantly unsure of how your partner
15:05will react. When you feel anxious about
15:07bringing up your needs because you don't
15:09want to start a fight. When their love
15:12feels conditional present one day,
15:14withdrawn the next. And here's the
15:17truth. When you don't feel emotionally
15:21safe, it's not just in your head. Your
15:25nervous system knows when something
15:26isn't right. That feeling of tightness
15:29in your chest, that overthinking before
15:32you send a message, that hesitation
15:34before you share your honest thoughts,
15:37that's your body telling you that this
15:39environment isn't safe for you. Love
15:41should not make you feel like you're in
15:43survival mode. It should not leave you
15:45feeling drained, anxious, or constantly
15:48questioning your worth. The right person
15:51will make sure that even in the hardest
15:53moments you feel secure. They will make
15:55it safe for you to be vulnerable to
15:58express yourself to exist without fear
16:01of rejection. So if you find yourself in
16:03a situation where you are constantly
16:06justifying why someone makes you feel
16:09small, unheard or unworthy, I want you
16:12to ask yourself this. Is this the kind
16:14of love I deserve? Because emotional
16:16safety is not a bonus in a relationship.
16:19It is the foundation. And without it,
16:22love is just a house built on sand,
16:25something that will crumble the moment a
16:27storm comes. Love is not supposed to be
16:29a guessing game. It is not meant to
16:31leave you lying awake at night,
16:33dissecting every interaction, wondering
16:35if you said too much, cared too much, or
16:37expected too much. Love, the right kind
16:41of love, does not leave you questioning
16:43your worth. But too often we find
16:46ourselves in situations where love feels
16:50like uncertainty.
16:52Where one day we feel deeply cherished
16:54and the next we feel invisible. Where we
16:57give and give hoping that if we love
16:59someone hard enough they will finally
17:01see our value. Where we tolerate
17:03inconsistency, broken promises, or
17:05emotional distance because we believe
17:08that if we just hold on a little longer
17:10things will change. And yet real love,
17:14the kind that is steady, deep, and true,
17:17does not make you feel like you have to
17:20prove your worth. It does not make you
17:23earn affection, nor does it make you
17:27feel like you are always one step away
17:29from losing it. The right love makes you
17:32feel safe. It reinforces your value
17:36rather than making you question it. What
17:38does the right love look like? The right
17:40love is consistent. It does not run hot
17:44and cold, showering you with affection
17:46one day and pulling away the next. It
17:49does not make you feel like love is
17:51conditional, something you receive only
17:54when you are perfectly accommodating,
17:57perfectly agreeable, or perfectly small.
18:01The right love sees you fully,
18:03completely even in the moments when you
18:05are struggling, insecure or imperfect.
18:08It does not make you feel like you have
18:11to shrink yourself to be accepted.
18:13Instead, it holds space for you. It
18:16embraces your depth, your complexity,
18:18your emotions. The right love respects
18:21your boundaries. It does not guilt trip
18:24you for having standards or make you
18:26feel unreasonable for wanting to be
18:29treated with care. It does not twist
18:31your words or make you feel selfish for
18:33asking for reassurance. Instead, it
18:36honors your needs because your
18:37well-being matters.
18:40The right love communicates. It does not
18:42leave you hanging in confusion, waiting
18:45for clarity that never comes. It does
18:48not punish you with silence when you
18:50express your feelings. Instead, it makes
18:52the effort to listen, to understand, to
18:56meet you where you are. The right love
18:59makes you feel chosen. Not just in the
19:02easy moments but in the difficult ones
19:05too. It does not make you feel
19:07replaceable or like an afterthought. It
19:09reminds you over and over that you are
19:12valuable not because of what you offer
19:15or what you do but simply because of who
19:19you are. What the wrong love feels like.
19:21If you are constantly questioning where
19:23you stand. If you feel like you are
19:25always trying to earn love. If you feel
19:28like you are walking on eggshells hoping
19:29not to say or do the wrong thing, that
19:32is not love. That is insecurity,
19:34confusion, and emotional instability
19:37disguised as connection. The wrong love
19:41makes you feel small. It makes you doubt
19:43yourself, makes you wonder if you are
19:45too much, too sensitive, too needy. It
19:48keeps you waiting. waiting for them to
19:51call, waiting for them to care, waiting
19:54for them to finally see what they have
19:56in front of them. But let me tell you
19:58something, love is not meant to leave
20:01you waiting because the right love will
20:05never make you feel like you have to
20:07chase it.

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