Being Married To Someone With ADHD — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00my wife has this thing it's called ADHD
2. 0:04do you guys know what this is
3. 0:08it's not add by the way that one's
4. 0:11different that's the one you diagnose
5. 0:13yourself
6. 0:16that's where people are like oh sorry I
7. 0:18tuned out of your story I have ADD no
8. 0:21you suck
9. 0:25you're addicted to your phone you need
10. 0:27to take responsibility
11. 0:29ADHD that one's a little more intense
12. 0:31all right she had to go to a hospital to
13. 0:33get that age
14. 0:34now
15. 0:40when she went to the doctor the doctor
16. 0:42was like you have what's called
17. 0:45ADHD and she was like what and he was
18. 0:48like this is the third time I told you
19. 0:57please stop coming back here
20. 1:00[Applause]
21. 1:04now if you don't know what ADHD is you
22. 1:07probably knew someone in school who had
23. 1:10it all right ADHD kids they were always
24. 1:13like the weird kid in class all right
25. 1:15the one that does this
26. 1:20the weird kid you know not the quiet one
27. 1:23not the not the quiet emo that's to
28. 1:25themselves weird no the other weird one
29. 1:29the one who sat next to the emo kid and
30. 1:33asked them questions
31. 1:37like so is black your favorite color you
32. 1:40wear it all the time you wore that black
33. 1:42hoodie last Wednesday and on Friday do
34. 1:44you wear eyeliner on the weekends you're
35. 1:46always an eyeliner I noticed that it's
36. 1:47also black did you know black is the
37. 1:50absence of color I have a hoodie as well
38. 1:52that's black but it's reversible with
39. 1:53the blue technically that's one color
40. 1:55and no color that's how they
41. 1:58talk by the way
42. 2:00I would cut myself too
43. 2:05[Applause]
44. 2:09[Music]
45. 2:09[Applause]
46. 2:11now people with ADHD they get hyper
47. 2:14focused and easily distracted at the
48. 2:18exact same time so that means they are
49. 2:20really good at starting projects
50. 2:30did you feel how unsatisfying that was
51. 2:34that was a polite way of saying they're
52. 2:36good at making a mess in my living room
53. 2:38all the time
54. 2:41because what happens is she will get
55. 2:43started on something and then she sees
56. 2:44movement so then she starts doing
57. 2:46whatever this thing is and then a sound
58. 2:48goes off so then she's doing whatever
59. 2:49that and then her phone happens and then
60. 2:51so that it's like it's like living with
61. 2:53a Roomba you know it's just you follow
62. 2:56the trail of Broken Dreams until she's
63. 2:59stuck in the corner somewhere
64. 3:03and there's just there's just things it
65. 3:04just it looks like Etsy took a in
66. 3:06our house it's just miscellaneous random
67. 3:09things
68. 3:10[Applause]
69. 3:14but she has good intentions and I guess
70. 3:16that that counts for something
71. 3:20so this is what she'll do she'll say
72. 3:21something like okay
73. 3:24I'm gonna clean
74. 3:28and then she will start the vacuum
75. 3:32and She'll follow that
76. 3:37until it hits the coffee table
77. 3:41which wobbles because she hit her head
78. 3:44thank you
79. 3:46she doesn't remember
80. 3:53so the coffee table wobbles and she goes
81. 3:55oh no that's uneven so she will begin to
82. 3:58disassemble
83. 4:01the coffee table but she only takes
84. 4:03apart the two legs that are nearest to
85. 4:06her right so the table becomes lopsided
86. 4:09oblivious to the very full coffee mug
87. 4:11that comes sliding down onto the carpet
88. 4:14now there's a stain this is cleaning by
89. 4:16the way don't forget
90. 4:18and she goes oh no there's a stain I I
91. 4:20should probably get a paper towel to
92. 4:22clean that up so she goes over to the
93. 4:24kitchen to grab a paper towel she's in a
94. 4:26completely different room now okay
95. 4:29that room is done it's over all right
96. 4:31it's a distant memory at this point box
97. 4:34it up it doesn't matter
98. 4:37and she goes okay what will I do in the
99. 4:39kitchen today my goodness the world is
100. 4:42my oyster with this kitchen I could do
101. 4:44anything maybe I'll start a project I'll
102. 4:46bake a pie from scratch that's what I
103. 4:48should do should be a very small project
104. 4:49I should be hungry in about eight to ten
105. 4:51hours I will build a pie oh it looks
106. 4:53like we're all out of paper towels I'm
107. 4:54gonna go to the store that's what I'll
108. 4:56do
109. 4:57I'm just gonna head out and I'll go
110. 4:59right to the store oh wait what's going
111. 5:01on with the vacuum what happened over
112. 5:02here it's like she becomes a detective
113. 5:04who discovers her own crime scene
114. 5:08he's like I've never seen the table like
115. 5:09this what happened with the vacuum why
116. 5:11is this going on I'm like you're
117. 5:12the murderer what are you talking about
118. 5:18[Music]
119. 5:19and then she rediscovers the stain and
120. 5:22goes oh that's right the coffee because
121. 5:23of the stain I went to go get paper
122. 5:24towels but we're out of paper towels I
123. 5:26need to blot this so she'll take her
124. 5:28shirt off and start to blot the stain
125. 5:31literally I come in from the Next Room
126. 5:34the vacuum's running my table's broken
127. 5:36she's naked a baby's crying we don't
128. 5:39have kids I'm like what the is
129. 5:42going on
130. 5:45and she goes I was gonna do a load of
131. 5:47laundry and then
132. 5:50I don't see her for four days and three
133. 5:52nights
134. 5:53she does meth I think I don't know my
135. 5:55wife
136. 6:03she collects rocks
137. 6:08I do not care if they identify as
138. 6:10crystals they are rocks
139. 6:14they are everywhere bro they're all over
140. 6:17our home they're on the window sills and
141. 6:19on the in the drawers on the toilet seat
142. 6:21we live in a quarry we live
143. 6:24we live outside we're homeless I think I
144. 6:27don't know
145. 6:32and she won't let me get rid of them
146. 6:33because she claims that they have powers
147. 6:36highlighted by the planets uh the stars
148. 6:38and the Mercury's and Venus's anus or
149. 6:40whatever
150. 6:45I try to throw him out and she's like
151. 6:46you don't even know what they're doing
152. 6:48for you
153. 6:52don't you feel so
154. 6:56protected
155. 7:00I was like yeah if we get a slingshot
156. 7:02we're in business
157. 7:04all we have is ammo right now we have
158. 7:06nothing
159. 7:12every day she gets a new rock every
160. 7:13single day she gets a new one because
161. 7:15there's this little meditation Guru
162. 7:17Center Spa find your heal your clitoris
163. 7:19chakra whatever thing
164. 7:22every day she goes there and right when
165. 7:24she walks in the clerky pops up and goes
166. 7:26my customer
167. 7:28and then
168. 7:32and then he sells her some rock that he
169. 7:34found outside on his smoke break
170. 7:36probably
171. 7:37and while he's selling it he Winks at me
172. 7:39I'm like you're a piece of you know
173. 7:40she has a problem
174. 7:43[Applause]
175. 7:47and when she gets outside the store she
176. 7:49just goes oh
177. 7:53I just feel so
178. 7:57grounded
179. 8:01I'm like yeah babe you got a pocket full
180. 8:04of rocks right now
181. 8:06if you were a corpse you would sink what
182. 8:09are you insane that's physics
183. 8:12one day we were on a walk outside or at
184. 8:15home and
185. 8:20we stumble upon this uh well okay it's
186. 8:23like if it loses it's a very shallow
187. 8:24well it's about two two to three feet
188. 8:26it's very shallow I I could get out of
189. 8:29it
190. 8:34okay don't all laugh that hurts
191. 8:41we stumble upon this well and at the
192. 8:42bottom of this well there is a squirrel
193. 8:45that's hanging at the bottom of this
194. 8:46well okay and here's how I react
195. 8:48whenever I see a squirrel it's a
196. 8:51squirrel
197. 8:54my wife has a very different
198. 8:58spiritual
199. 9:00moment I don't know why I don't know her
200. 9:03connection to the score I don't know if
201. 9:04it's because like they're equally as
202. 9:06Twitchy I don't know
203. 9:08I feel like they're talking about
204. 9:10me I don't know
205. 9:14so she sees the squirrel and she goes
206. 9:16babe quick
207. 9:22lend me your shoe
208. 9:25I will lower it down by the laces
209. 9:28and we'll hoist them up
210. 9:30like it's a squirrel elevator
211. 9:34I was like I love that you think just
212. 9:37because we lower a shoe down there
213. 9:39a squirrel will willingly get in it
214. 9:43and leave with us like we are his family
215. 9:47and she goes you're right we should
216. 9:50build a ladder so he can leave on his
217. 9:52own terms
218. 9:53and I was like that's not at all what I
219. 9:55said
220. 10:01so I go about my adult life
221. 10:05I come home later to discover my wife is
222. 10:08sitting in the middle of the living room
223. 10:11the glue gun is on
224. 10:15so I'm too late
225. 10:21and what she's done is she has taken two
226. 10:23of my shoelaces
227. 10:28and she laid them out vertically
228. 10:31and then she hot glued
229. 10:35popsicle sticks
230. 10:46we did not have popsicle sticks by the
231. 10:49way
232. 10:50we had a box of popsicles
233. 10:55can you guess what happened next
234. 10:58this chick has got brain freeze and
235. 11:00purple lips and is doing arts and crafts
236. 11:02in my living room I'm like who's toddler
237. 11:04am I babysitting right now
238. 11:07with my laptop open to a Google search
239. 11:10that says how tall are squirrels
240. 11:18I was like really for squirrels you say
241. 11:21tall
242. 11:22foreign
243. 11:23[Applause]
244. 11:35she collects the ladder just like so
245. 11:37we're heading back to to the well my
246. 11:40shoes are much looser
247. 11:45and just before she releases it I notice
248. 11:48that there is a note
249. 11:54attached
250. 11:59and I was like
251. 12:03hey babe
252. 12:06is that a node
253. 12:10for the squirrel
254. 12:14and she goes no that's so people read it
255. 12:18and know not to remove the ladder
256. 12:22and I was relieved
257. 12:25because I needed to know how far on the
258. 12:28spectrum of this she was
259. 12:33[Applause]
260. 12:35and so she takes the ladder in very
261. 12:38dramatic fashion she unfurls it
262. 12:44that's a pretty good ladder I don't know
263. 12:45what the sound they make but that's
264. 12:47whatever particularly you're fancy
265. 12:53[Music]
266. 12:57she unfurls the ladder
267. 13:00and I swear to God
268. 13:02the squirrel looked at the ladder
269. 13:06and just got out on his own
270. 13:11[Applause]
271. 13:16and she goes it worked
272. 13:21[Applause]
273. 13:23[Music]
274. 13:26I'm gonna knit a scarf
275. 13:29and that is my whole life every day is
276. 13:31that day all right I live with a
277. 13:33Make-a-Wish kid all the time so
278. 13:35I'm just like all right let's follow
279. 13:37your dreams I guess we'll see what
280. 13:39happens
281. 13:48now
282. 13:50people who stutter we tend to do it more
283. 13:52when we're feeling nervous or agitated
284. 13:54frustrated overwhelmed and there was one
285. 13:57particular day where both mine and my
286. 14:00wife's issues my stutter and her ADHD
287. 14:05came together
288. 14:08for one beautiful awful storm
289. 14:14I was I came home from shows it had just
290. 14:16been an exhausting day and very lovingly
291. 14:18my wife noticed so she asked she goes
292. 14:21hey babe what's the matter and what I
293. 14:24said at the time was it's nothing it's
294. 14:26just today I'm feeling very stressed
295. 14:30but at the time that I said it I
296. 14:33stuttered on the word stressed
297. 14:36so it sounded like
298. 14:48and this chick started dancing
299. 14:55[Applause]
300. 15:02foreign
301. 15:04[Applause]
302. 15:15[Music]
303. 15:21she was like that was
304. 15:23that was a sick beat Babe
305. 15:25[Applause]
306. 15:28I was like yeah we should start a band
307. 15:30and not finish it
308. 15:33[Applause]