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becoming more yourself | identity and self discovery — Transcript

by nadeen · 2,816 words · 422 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00One of the most painful realizations you
0:02can have is looking at your own life and
0:04realizing you don't know how much of it
0:06you actually chose. The job, the
0:08relationship, the style, the routine,
0:10even the personality. Did you choose it
0:12because it truly felt like you, or did
0:15you choose it because you thought it was
0:17what you were supposed to do? Hi muses,
0:20welcome back to my channel where we talk
0:21about how women can have their cake
0:22[music] and eat it, too. I'm your host
0:25Nadine and I'm here to rebuild the
0:26village women once had so we [music] can
0:28have the right conversations and create
0:30lives that feel as good as it looks.
0:32Please like, subscribe, and turn on the
0:34notification bell so [music] you don't
0:35miss anything. I wanted to make this
0:37video because I think a lot of women go
0:39through life without actually knowing
0:41themselves. They know how to function,
0:43they know how to get through the day,
0:45they know how to be productive,
0:46responsible, likable, maybe even
0:48successful, but when it comes to who you
0:51really are, what you actually want, what
0:54kind of life feels aligned for you, you
0:56don't really know. And when you don't
0:58know yourself, a layer of confusion is
1:00added to every area of your life. How
1:02can you structure and plan for the life
1:04you want when you don't know what you
1:05want? How can you feel confident when
1:08everything feels uncertain or you keep
1:10looking outside of yourself for
1:12reassurance? So, this video is really
1:15about how to start reconnecting with
1:16yourself again, how you separate who you
1:19actually are and want to be from who you
1:22have adapted into becoming. As always,
1:24we don't gatekeep, so let's step into
1:26it. Honestly, I think this happens to a
1:29lot of women who become high-functioning
1:31too early in life. You spend so much
1:33time trying to be mature and useful and
1:36easy to love that you never stop to ask
1:39yourself who you actually are outside of
1:41this grand performance. I know for me
1:43personally, I spent years attaching my
1:46identity to achievement. I was good at
1:49working hard. I was good at surviving
1:50stressful situations. I was good at
1:53being the girl who got it handled. My
1:55friends used to joke around and call me
1:56the fixer. like in movies. These were
1:58the guys you called when you needed
1:59someone to clean up a situation. So,
2:01yeah, I was the girl fixing problems.
2:04But eventually, I hit a point where I
2:06realized being super capable and knowing
2:09yourself are not the same thing. And
2:11when you've built your current identity
2:13through responding, then you've never
2:16really learned how to think
2:17independently. Your parents tell you who
2:19you are. Your relationship tells you who
2:21you are. Your friend group tells you who
2:23you are. The internet tells you what's
2:25attractive, successful, desirable, cool,
2:27feminine, worthy. And after years of
2:29hearing these messages, you just absorb
2:32them as the truth. And so, you become
2:34deeply attached to identities that were
2:35built around other people. You know who
2:37you are as someone's daughter, someone's
2:40girlfriend or wife, someone's best
2:41friend. But who are you independently?
2:45Who are you when nobody is watching? Who
2:48are you when there's nobody around to
2:50approve or reject you for the things you
2:52want and the things you like to do?
2:53Solitude matters a lot here. Because if
2:56you're constantly consuming other
2:58people's opinions, aesthetics, routines,
3:00or advice, eventually you lose your own
3:03voice in all of the noise. Especially
3:06when you're constantly online, you can
3:08accidentally start building your
3:10identity around what you consume instead
3:12of what actually feels true to you.
3:14There's a huge difference between
3:15inspiration and imitation, and I think a
3:18lot of people are stuck in imitation.
3:20And I think that realization is what
3:22starts self-discovery for a lot of
3:24people. That's when your current life
3:26starts feeling kind of off because it
3:29doesn't fully feel like you anymore. And
3:32it doesn't really mean that anything
3:33terribly bad is going on. This is what
3:35you hear a lot of spiritual girlies call
3:37alignment. When you're out of alignment,
3:40things don't feel right even though it
3:42may not necessarily be bad. Maybe your
3:45job looks good on paper, but you dread
3:47waking up to it. Maybe you're around
3:49people who technically aren't bad
3:50friends, but they're not the friends you
3:52want. Maybe you keep trying to reinvent
3:55yourself because something about your
3:56current life feels out of place. And
3:58honestly, if you're even watching a
4:00video like this, you are already someone
4:02who wants more depth out of life. Most
4:04people never stop long enough to
4:05question who they become and why. They
4:07just feel stuck or they choose to stay
4:09stuck. They stay inside routines and
4:12expectations and environments and
4:13identities they never chose because
4:16questioning your life requires a certain
4:18level of self-awareness. And it requires
4:20honesty and emotional intelligence. And
4:23I think a lot of you watching this are
4:25ambitious enough and self-aware enough
4:27to know that there's more in you. That's
4:30why you're here. So, one of the first
4:32things you're going to do when you're
4:33trying to discover who you are is to get
4:35a pulse check on all areas of your life.
4:37Relationships, friendships, family,
4:39career, social life, finances, fashion,
4:41home space, literally everything. And I
4:44want you to pay attention to what areas
4:46feel expired, like they no longer
4:49reflect you. And maybe journal on this.
4:52What's changed? How has it changed? And
4:55why do you think it's changed? And what
4:58are the next steps you can take now to
5:00bridge the gap? Another thing you can
5:02do, and I do think this is one of the
5:03most important tools in personal
5:04development, especially when you want to
5:06understand why you are the way you are,
5:08is to start questioning yourself more.
5:11If before today you didn't know what it
5:13meant to observe your thoughts, well,
5:15you're going to learn. Like I said, this
5:17is probably one of the best tools that
5:19helped change my behavior and develop my
5:21emotional intelligence. You need to sit
5:24and observe your own thought process and
5:26beliefs. Why do you believe the things
5:27you believe? Why do you want the things
5:29you want? Why do you feel embarrassed by
5:31certain parts of yourself? Why are you
5:32drawn to certain aesthetics, people,
5:34lifestyles? Where did those desires come
5:36from? Are they actually yours or someone
5:38else's? Is this something you actually
5:40enjoy or do you enjoy feeling validated
5:42while doing it? Do you even dislike
5:44certain things naturally or did someone
5:46teach you that it was embarrassing or
5:47cringe? You have to start interrogating
5:50your own mind. And I know that sounds
5:52intense, but I think a lot of people go
5:53through life accepting their first
5:55thought as the truth without ever
5:57questioning where that thought came
5:58from. I'm bad at relationships. Says
6:00who? I'm not creative. Based on what? I
6:04could never do that. Why not? People
6:07like me don't become successful.
6:08According to who? I think a lot of
6:11limiting beliefs survive simply because
6:14they never get challenged. And once you
6:15start questioning them, your entire
6:17reality starts shifting because you
6:19realize how much of your life was being
6:21filtered and restricted through
6:22assumptions that you never consciously
6:24chose. And if I'm being honest here,
6:26learning about feminine masculine
6:28energetics actually helped me get
6:30clearer on who I am, too. And I 100%
6:33recommend you learning about it. And if
6:34you want, I can make a video on this
6:36topic, as well. This is not about gender
6:38roles or man or woman. And I think
6:40growing up in survival mode, I operated
6:43from a very masculine energy. Defensive,
6:46overly logical, action-oriented, very
6:48hyper-independent and disconnected from
6:50the wilder, softer, creative, emotional
6:52feminine side of me. And back then, I've
6:55always felt a little ashamed of being a
6:57woman.
6:58Like I wasn't good enough the way I was,
7:00especially when it came to work. I tried
7:03so hard to be one of the boys in order
7:05to be accepted. No one tells you how
7:07hard it is to figure out your identity
7:10when you hate the part of yourself that
7:11actually makes you who you are. And this
7:14might be tapping more into shadow work
7:16and stuff, but I really had to learn and
7:19accept the parts of myself I felt
7:20embarrassed or ashamed of. And bring the
7:23light to the darker parts of myself that
7:25I was scared to identify with. It came
7:27with the understanding that not
7:29everything in life is black and white or
7:31right and wrong. That there were parts
7:33of me that lived in the gray area or
7:36wasn't as nice as I thought I was. And
7:39all that meant was that I wasn't a
7:41perfect human being and that's okay.
7:44This was one of the biggest shifts for
7:45me because I learned to accept myself
7:48the way I was while working on the
7:49things I wanted to change. I didn't need
7:51to become perfect. I needed to
7:53understand myself better. Not every part
7:56of you is going to be polished, evolved,
7:58or healed. There are parts of you that
8:00are messy, insecure, contradictory, even
8:03angry. And I think self-awareness
8:06becomes much easier once you stop trying
8:08to split yourself into good and bad
8:10containers and start understanding
8:12yourself as a whole. One thing I also
8:14really had to confront within myself was
8:16how much of my behavior was actually me
8:19versus how much of it was fear. And I'm
8:21sure a lot of you can relate. The fear
8:23of judgement, fear of rejection, fear of
8:25being seen trying, fear of disappointing
8:27people, fear of changing your mind, fear
8:29of outgrowing old versions of yourself.
8:32A lot of people stay attached to
8:33identities that no longer fit them
8:36because their entire life has been built
8:38around being recognized as that person.
8:41And once you try to shatter that image,
8:44you kind of feel restricted and boxed in
8:46by it that it becomes too scary to
8:48change or evolve. We underestimate how
8:51much of our personalities get shaped by
8:52external validation and other people's
8:54approval. Not fault of your own. I mean,
8:57we were practically raised that way.
8:59Praised for being mature when we were
9:01kids, for being understanding, for being
9:03smart. Praised that we were better
9:05behaved than boys. A lot of your
9:07identity gets formed around what made
9:09people proud of you or what made you
9:11feel wanted. So then you become an adult
9:13and you think, "That's just who I am."
9:15When in reality, it might just be the
9:18version of you that adapted to your
9:20surroundings, not really by choice.
9:22That's why I think so many people feel
9:24disconnected from themselves in
9:26adulthood. You spent years becoming a
9:28watered-down, confused version of you
9:30before actually getting honest with
9:32yourself. That's why getting to know
9:34yourself and figuring out who you are
9:36requires honesty more than confidence.
9:39You have to start paying attention to
9:40your actual feelings instead of
9:42automatically defaulting to what makes
9:44sense or what looks good or what other
9:47people approve of. You have to notice
9:49your environment and how you feel within
9:51that environment. Who and what drains
9:53you? Who and what energizes you? What
9:56kind of spaces make you feel more like
9:58yourself? What kind of conversations you
10:00enjoy? What kind of people bring out
10:01different sides of you? One of the most
10:03common things I hear when women say
10:05they're trying to figure out who they
10:06are is, I don't know what I like. And it
10:09is the single most jarring and also
10:12informative question because if you
10:14spend all your time being someone other
10:16people want, you'll realize that you
10:19never have the time to explore your own
10:20interests or your thoughts or even
10:22hobbies. The core of who you are are
10:25your morals, values, and beliefs. Then
10:28the layers that build you are your
10:30interests, thoughts, and hobbies. So,
10:33creativity is actually a huge part of
10:35self-discovery. Things like reading,
10:37writing, journaling, music, different
10:39art forms, anything that slows your mind
10:41down. I really do think constant
10:43consumption disconnects people from
10:45themselves because you're always
10:46absorbing. You're absorbing other
10:48people's opinions, aesthetics, other
10:50people's lives, but creativity forces
10:53something to come out of you instead.
10:55And that's where you start learning
10:56about yourself through your taste and
10:59your thoughts. And this whole
11:00self-discovery process doesn't happen
11:03overnight either. We expect
11:05self-discovery to be some dramatic
11:07breakthrough moment where suddenly
11:09everything makes sense, but most of the
11:10time it's smaller incremental changes
11:13like you trying tennis and realizing you
11:16actually like it or you stop forcing
11:18yourself into spaces that don't feel
11:20good or you admit that you've outgrown
11:22certain friends and you don't really
11:24like being around them anymore. Or this
11:26big one, you realize your dream life
11:29doesn't actually look like what everyone
11:31else told you it should look like.
11:33That's how you slowly start meeting
11:34yourself again. And I think one of the
11:36biggest mistakes we make is trying to
11:38think our way into clarity instead of
11:40experiencing your way into clarity. You
11:43cannot figure out what you like without
11:45exposure, period. So, you need to try
11:48new things like hobbies, routines,
11:50fashion styles, participate in different
11:52environments, and new conversations.
11:53This exposure helps you build evidence
11:56around the things you like and don't
11:57like because sometimes you only feel
12:00like you don't really know yourself
12:01because you just haven't experienced
12:03enough life yet to meet more versions of
12:05you. Taking action creates clarity.
12:08Exposure creates clarity. Thinking alone
12:11rarely does. And here's another thing I
12:13had to learn, which is that confidence
12:15comes after self-trust. Oh my god, if
12:17there is one thing you take away from my
12:19video or any of my videos, let it be
12:21this. Confidence comes after self-trust,
12:25never before it. Let's be honest here.
12:27How many of you always tell yourself
12:30you're going to wait until you're more
12:31confident to do whatever it is you want
12:33to do. You're going to wait to feel
12:34confident. You're going to wait to have
12:36confidence. And how often has that
12:38actually worked out? Never. Because
12:41confidence is something you discover
12:43when you start building self-trust by
12:46taking action, by listening to yourself
12:48more, by following through on the things
12:50you say you're going to do, by making
12:52decisions that actually align with you.
12:54You're waiting for self-trust. You're
12:56waiting until you believe that you can
12:59do something, but that belief only comes
13:02after you take action and build evidence
13:05that you can do it. So, many people tie
13:07their confidence to their career or how
13:09successful they are, how capable they
13:11are, what skills they have, but that
13:13isn't true confidence, especially when
13:15it's something outside of you because
13:17someone can take that away from you or
13:19you can lose that skill. But true
13:21confidence is a strong self-belief in
13:24yourself and what you stand for and who
13:26you are. So, every time you betray
13:29yourself or you abandon your own needs,
13:31you break a little bit of your own
13:33trust. And every time you listen to
13:35yourself and you act in your best
13:36interest, you strengthen it. And
13:38eventually, that becomes confidence.
13:41After you start making different
13:43choices, you also have to accept that
13:45some people will not understand you the
13:47same way anymore. That part matters
13:50because self-discovery sounds beautiful
13:52until your life starts crumbling and
13:53falling apart and you don't know why.
13:55This is the adjustment period where your
13:57life is now catching up to the work
13:59you've done. Once you remove yourself
14:00from everything and everyone who doesn't
14:02align with who you are and the woman
14:04you're becoming, people will notice that
14:06you're less of the version of you that
14:08they were used to and they might feel
14:10some type of way. And I don't say this
14:13to make everyone else the villain. It's
14:15just that sometimes people are attached
14:17to the version of you that they
14:18understood. But, growth changes your
14:20relationships and your standards and
14:23what you have patience for. That's part
14:25of the process. So, when you start your
14:26self-discovery process to get to know
14:28more about yourself and who you are, I
14:31don't want you to just ask, "What do I
14:34like? Who am I?" I want you to ask,
14:37"What version of me feels the most
14:40real?" That's
14:40>> [music]
14:41>> all the cake I have for you today. Thank
14:42you so much for watching until the end.
14:44I appreciate it so much. [music] And if
14:46you enjoyed our little chat today,
14:47please like, subscribe, and leave a
14:49comment to share your [music] thoughts
14:50and I'll see you in the next episode.

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