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Auschwitz Survivor Reveals The Secret To Overcoming Any Obstacle In Life | Dr. Edith Eger — Transcript

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0:00change is synonymous with growth
0:03so i'm hoping that people can find some
0:06positive way
0:08to make a decision
0:11that life is not from outside in
0:15but i have discovered my inner resources
0:18in auschwitz that i was able to
0:22decide that they were the prisoners not
0:26me
0:27and i could never murder my spirit
0:30so it's not what happens it's what you
0:33do with it
0:35[Music]
0:39edith welcome to the podcast
0:43thank you thank you i'm looking forward
0:47to have a very meaningful conversation
0:50i might i certainly hope so you are a
0:52guest who i have been
0:55really looking forward to speaking to
0:57for about three months now ever since
1:00i started reading the gift which i have
1:03to be honest
1:04is just one of the most phenomenal books
1:06i've read
1:08and it's gone straight on to my favorite
1:10pile i have a pile
1:12in my living room where in the morning
1:13where i'm just having my morning routine
1:15i'll have a few books from which i just
1:17pick and read a couple of
1:19chapters from each morning and your book
1:22has gone straight onto that pile so
1:24thank you for writing it
1:26thank you for reading it it is a
1:29self-help book
1:31people ask me for it after the choice
1:34so you read the chapter and then there
1:37are the how-to's
1:39and you know none of the talking does
1:42any good
1:43unless it's followed with an action so
1:46you make a decision what you're going to
1:48stop doing or start doing
1:50or more of the same yeah
1:53you have a choice and that is something
1:55obviously that's the name of your first
1:57book but even that
1:59idea it really rings through
2:03this book as well that we've always got
2:06a choice
2:08we always got a choice and my name is
2:11not a shrink but a stretch so
2:14i'm hoping to stretch people's comfort
2:17zone
2:18because when you change you have to
2:21replace
2:22it with something else so this
2:25is a good time out with me and you
2:29that people can really take stock of
2:31their lives
2:32and see what they need to leave behind
2:35what they need to rethink
2:37and most of all make a decision and
2:40putting it into action
2:43yeah for sure now
2:46i wonder if we could go back right at
2:48the start of this conversation
2:51you say about leaving our comfort zones
2:55and in quite an extreme way when you
2:59were 16 years old
3:02you had to leave the comfort of
3:03everything you knew
3:05i wonder if you could take us through
3:06that step by step so we can really
3:08understand
3:09what happened to you at the age of 16.
3:14well there are two things happened
3:18i was put in a place i was not prepared
3:21for
3:22and i was told one thing and then i
3:25found another
3:27i hear that a lot especially with the
3:29military people
3:31who come back and they wanted to take
3:33their lives
3:34because they don't know how to readjust
3:38and rethink and redecide
3:41and i think we're going through that
3:43same period right now
3:46and it's a very difficult place to be
3:50when you don't know how long
3:54everything will last it's not
3:57permanent hopefully it's temporary
4:01so i'm hoping that people use this time
4:05to take stock of their lives whether
4:08they're able to hold on to
4:10things that are not working anymore
4:13or are they able to redecide
4:17and risk that's a very good english word
4:19i love
4:20and risk to do something new that is
4:24very scary
4:25because you have the fear of the unknown
4:28that's why people don't change
4:30but change is synonymous with growth
4:33so i'm hoping that people can find some
4:37positive way
4:39to make a decision
4:42that life is not from outside in
4:46but i have discovered my inner resources
4:49in auschwitz that i was able to
4:53decide that they were the prisoners not
4:57me
4:58and they could never murder my spirit
5:01so it's not what happens it's what you
5:04do with it
5:06yeah i'm sure it was an opportunity
5:10and today we have an opportunity
5:13to really decide whether we are holding
5:17on to hatred
5:20or recognizing that
5:24that hatred is eating us up
5:27and how to be a survivor and not a
5:29victim of anything or anyone
5:32or any circumstance you say auschwitz
5:35was an opportunity
5:37yes you're saying that now as a
5:4193 year old lady is that right
5:45yes which is incredible yes
5:4993 years young i love that
5:52chronological age doesn't count at all
5:58but i think auschwitz was an opportunity
6:02for an opportunity to discover
6:06my power within me that no nazi could
6:10take away
6:11or touch could you take us through
6:16that day when you were i mean what was
6:18that day like
6:20one of the things i always say in
6:22schools
6:23is what my mother told me in a kettle
6:25car
6:27we don't know where we're going we don't
6:29know what's going to happen just
6:30remember
6:31no one can take away from you what you
6:34put here in your own mind
6:37i tell the children in school to watch
6:39the karate kid
6:41because the best power is the brain
6:43power
6:44okay and up to not too pot because it
6:48interferes
6:49with the natural growth of the brains so
6:52this is
6:53exactly what happened when i arrived
6:55there was a sign our wife
6:58fry work makes you feel
7:01make work makes you free
7:05and it was chaotic i didn't know where i
7:09was
7:09i never heard the wash with but then we
7:13were separated
7:15my father said actually you know we're
7:18just gonna work and then we're gonna go
7:20home
7:22but that's not what happened
7:25because an hour later he was in a gas
7:27chamber
7:29so it was my mother
7:33so and then i stood in line with my
7:35sister magda
7:38and there was a guy who was referred to
7:41as the angel of death he was pointing to
7:45the left
7:46or to the right and pointed my mother
7:50to go to the left and when i followed my
7:53mother
7:55he grabbed me and i never forget those
7:58eyes you know i pay a lot of attention
8:02to eye contact
8:03you have a very good eye contact with me
8:06because you know i can kill you with my
8:08eyes
8:09and i can love you with my eyes so check
8:12your temperature actually
8:14that's as good for just
8:17with the eyes and so he drew me on the
8:20other side and said you're going to see
8:22your mother very soon
8:23she's just going to take a shower
8:29and as she drew me on the other side
8:32i ended up a few miles away
8:36called beer canal and one of the inmates
8:41pulled my earrings out and yelled at me
8:46that while i was going to the theater
8:49she said
8:50i was rotting here and so she took
8:54her anger out and me
8:57today we call it disgraced aggression
8:59but i didn't know that
9:01i just said to her you know i would have
9:03given you my earrings
9:05and besides when will i see my mother
9:09and she pointed at the chimney
9:13and fire was coming out of the chimney
9:16and said
9:17your mother is burning there you better
9:20talk about her
9:21in past tense and my sister
9:25hugged me and she said makes me cry
9:29she said the spirit never dies
9:34the spirit never dies
9:39so i consider it my duty
9:42to celebrate one of the most beautiful
9:45gift of god
9:47is the gift of memory and i want to do
9:51everything my power
9:53to see to it that your children and
9:57grandchildren
9:59and great-grandchildren i have seven
10:01doors
10:03you never experience what i did
10:06i'm for prevention i'm for a lot of
10:09things
10:10rather than being against um for
10:13life and for uniting
10:16and for hopefully
10:20having a human family that you can be
10:23you
10:23and i can be i but together we're gonna
10:27be much stronger
10:29so i i invite you and your culture
10:32and wherever you are and
10:36i make a good jubu i i make
10:41many many jewish young children become
10:44buddhists and and i think there is a
10:48great deal to be said
10:49about being awake being awake every
10:53moment to me
10:54is is beautiful because
11:01i say what i lived
11:07look at the iq and the eq the emotional
11:10iq
11:11the school of of the
11:14experience that you had in life and i'm
11:18hoping that
11:18people are recognizing that the iq
11:22is fine but unless you have a good
11:25sense about your life
11:29where where are you now and where do you
11:31want to be
11:32and pick a goal and then pay attention
11:36uh to what they're focusing on so it has
11:40to be in alignment
11:42to have the goal and the goal is to have
11:45freedom
11:49how do you define freedom
11:52by letting go of the concentration camp
11:57that you created in your own mind
12:01that's what forgiveness is you give
12:04yourself a gift
12:06that you do not carry
12:10the people that you hate that you
12:14release them you let them go
12:18that's how that's why
12:21forgiveness isn't about me forgiving you
12:24for what you did to me
12:26is for me to liberate myself
12:30not to be a prisoner
12:34or the hostage of the past i don't live
12:37in australia
12:38i go through the valley of the shadow of
12:41that
12:41i don't camp there or set up householder
12:45but i don't forget it or overcome it
12:49i came to terms with it i call it my
12:52cherished wound
12:54yeah i mean edith your book
12:57um i've got marks
13:01and underlines on almost every page
13:04of this thing there is wisdom there's
13:06gold
13:07i've been on my own personal um
13:10inward journey since my father died
13:13seven and a half years ago
13:15and lots of the truths that i'm learning
13:18are beautifully um and very articulately
13:22put together
13:23in the gifts um and it really
13:26has been a gift into my life so i thank
13:28you for that once again
13:30but i've got the first thing i've
13:31underlined is on page three
13:34and it's just so powerful it almost
13:36echoes what you just said
13:37as an auschwitz survivor i'm here to
13:41tell you that the worst
13:42prison is not the one the nazis put me
13:44in
13:45the worst prison is the one i built for
13:49myself
13:52when did you start building that prison
13:54and when were you able to get out of it
14:01before i answer your question
14:04i like to ask you how old
14:07were you when your father died
14:12so i'm 43 dad was 12
14:16so i was 35
14:20years old when my dad died
14:23so would you consider looking
14:27at it from a different perspective
14:31that you didn't lose your father that
14:34spirit was sent to you
14:36for 35 years and you
14:40celebrate every moment and then
14:43the spirit had to go home
14:47i would yeah just how you look at things
14:53yeah your father would be very grateful
14:56knowing
14:58that his son has a full life
15:02that he's interviewing survivors that
15:05he's
15:06he is an ambassador for peace
15:12isn't that a wonderful feeling just
15:15looking at the same thing
15:17from a different perspective yeah
15:21thank you let me be your
15:25ophthalmologist and recognizing
15:29that the prison is in our own minds
15:33and the key is in our pocket
15:38we create the nazi within us
15:43i graduated with honors and i never
15:46showed up for my graduation
15:48because i did not forgive myself that i
15:51survived see i didn't need the nazi
15:56i had in my mind
16:01unfortunately that
16:04part that didn't allow me
16:07to celebrate the freedom fully
16:13today i won't do that
16:18but i think the prison that we put
16:20ourselves in our own mind
16:24needs to be really examined because
16:27every behavior satisfies a need
16:31and when you have the victim's mentality
16:35always going to find the victimizer
16:38there is no victim without the
16:39victimizer
16:41and it also gives you
16:44a secondary gain it gives you
16:50the idea that you don't have to do
16:53anything
16:54zero and that's why also
16:58yesterday's victims easily become
17:01today's victimizers
17:03because they look at the world two ways
17:05the victim is weak
17:07the victimizer is thrown so part of the
17:10psyche
17:11will identify with the aggressor
17:15and that's what we call the syndrome
17:20is stockholm syndrome yes
17:24you identify with the aggressor and many
17:27times
17:28children who are beaten unfortunately
17:31they grew up and and they carried from
17:34generation to generation
17:37i do everything in my power to teach
17:41especially fathers
17:44the way they treat their children
17:47is important because children don't do
17:52what we say they do what they see
17:57and and the way he loves his children
18:00is the way he treats the mother of their
18:04children
18:07how he he loves and adores and takes
18:10care of that
18:12the mother his wife his life made
18:18so love is not what you feel is what you
18:21do
18:23just so powerful really
18:28there's there's such wisdom
18:31in what you say edith but there's also
18:34there's love i i can really feel there
18:38is
18:38love it's there's no
18:42charge there's no anger there's no
18:45there's no sense that you're trying to
18:47talk down to me
18:49or talk down to anyone it's it's it's a
18:51really lovely energy
18:53that even though we're 3 000 miles away
18:56and i'm looking at you through a screen
18:59i can still feel it
19:02i can feel you too yes our spirit
19:06is really connecting well it
19:09people don't come to me they're sent to
19:11me
19:12and i i couldn't be more really
19:16blessed to have you in my life
19:20and your father is winking now
19:24and he says like mr higgins
19:28by god he's got it
19:33yeah no for sure
19:37why do you think it's so important for
19:40fathers
19:42as opposed to mothers to behave
19:45a certain way in front of their children
19:49i think the fathers are
19:54the role models to be a knowledgeable
19:58leader
20:00but not a dictator a
20:03father is a man there are lots of males
20:07running around lots of
20:09boys are running around but a father who
20:12is a man
20:14is the knowledgeable leader a teacher
20:17a protector and provider
20:20you see it's it's it's
20:24it's the family that is really totally
20:28protected
20:29by a man who was called upon
20:35to have a family that looks
20:38up at him because respect
20:42is recognition that you look at your
20:45father
20:46annoying that he is not going to say
20:50one thing and do another that's a
20:53definition of a hypocrite
20:56so when the phone rings and you
20:59pick up the phone and you tell your
21:02father very quietly
21:04daddy it's for you and your father tells
21:08you very quietly
21:10tell them i'm not here and the following
21:14week
21:14he's giving you a lecture about honesty
21:18you're gonna catch your father very
21:20quickly
21:21and say hey dad what are we talking
21:24about
21:24okay children see everything
21:27they say you know and i think that's
21:31very
21:31important with the children to be
21:34consistent
21:35yeah i train parents
21:38to be good parents to themselves
21:42so they can be good parents to their
21:44children
21:46yeah now thank you for that it's
21:50you know i've been a father now for 10
21:53years
21:54and i very much changed
21:58my parenting style over those 10 years
22:03but a lot of that has come from me
22:06clearing out my own closet you know
22:08looking in the mirror being honest with
22:10myself not trying to kid myself and
22:12saying hey listen
22:14listen listen mates um you can't say
22:17this and do something different
22:20and i totally agree with you and
22:22certainly this has been my experience
22:23that
22:24kids don't do what you tell them to do
22:27they do what they see you doing and that
22:30really has been a huge
22:32motivator and driver for me
22:35to change because i'm thinking well if
22:38if i value
22:39my role as a father as one of the most
22:41important
22:42roles in my life which i do
22:45then what could be more important to me
22:48than
22:50addressing my past getting rid of guilt
22:53shame
22:54anger all kinds of toxic emotions that i
22:57have felt
22:59really until very very recently and by
23:02freeing myself from them i parent in a
23:06different way
23:07the interaction is different it's more
23:10joyful
23:10more happy but it started with looking
23:14in the mirror
23:15and being honest with myself beautiful
23:18that you do that
23:19and you're also called upon to be a
23:22guide
23:23to others a guide from darkness to light
23:27from prison to freedom you know
23:31respect is that someone looks at you
23:34and says i want to be like him
23:41so it's not what we feel it's what we do
23:44that we commit ourselves and that's what
23:47happened
23:47in auschwitz we had to commit
23:51to each other it was cooperation
23:54not competition or domination
23:57because all we had was each other then
24:01and all we have is each other now
24:04how can we empower each other with our
24:08differences
24:13would you mind if i asked you a few more
24:16questions
24:17about your experience in auschwitz yes
24:22auschwitz was hell
24:25you know i usually like to quote han
24:28saliere
24:29who has a theory on stress yeah
24:33he says anytime something stressful
24:36come to us we have two automatic
24:39responses
24:40we either fight or flee
24:43that did not work in auschwitz because
24:46if you touched the guards you were shot
24:49right there and then i witnessed that
24:54when people would go and touch the guard
24:57and they were shot there is no way i
25:01could flee
25:02because if i touched the barbed wire
25:06i was electrocuted and i saw that blue
25:10body
25:11so i i knew
25:14what not to do and i was able to turn
25:20the hatred into pity and decided
25:24that they were the prisoners so i became
25:27a very
25:28talented schizophrenic
25:33i i did what i was told every day
25:36but deep inside i had my
25:40spirit they could
25:43put me in a gas chamber any minute i had
25:46no
25:46power over it four o'clock in the
25:50morning when we stood it was called the
25:52apparel
25:53they were counting heads and they
25:56told us if you don't feel well just
26:00in the barracks we're gonna take you to
26:02the hospital
26:04we had to discover it was a place for
26:07discovery
26:08that there was no hospital there was the
26:12gas chamber
26:13so don't ever stay behind because we'll
26:16never see you again
26:18we had to learn very quickly the rules
26:22not to fight or flee but to stay
26:25in a situation and just kind of
26:29when they say one day at a time i would
26:33say to myself
26:34if i survive today then tomorrow
26:38i'm gonna see my boyfriend because she
26:41told me i have beautiful eyes
26:43and beautiful hands so
26:46it's it's the way you think
26:50you create you create what you think
26:54that's important every morning when you
26:56get up in the morning
26:58and you look in the mirror and you say
27:01i love me because self-love is self-care
27:06it's not narcissistic
27:10it's okay to love you
27:13and look forward to the day that you
27:17create your thinking you create your
27:20feeling and you create the behavior
27:23so before you say anything ask yourself
27:27is it kind is it
27:31really very important and necessary and
27:34if it's not
27:35don't say it i
27:38teach couples how to share silence don't
27:42ask how
27:42are you that's a stupidest question
27:46people say fine and i trusted them
27:50i tested that because i was professor of
27:53psychology
27:54and my student told me that in america
27:58people are hearing but not listening
28:02and i said let's test it tomorrow
28:05morning
28:06when you pick up your books someone is
28:08going to say hi to you
28:10and you say very quietly my mother died
28:14this morning
28:16soon enough
28:20the morning someone came said hi to him
28:24he said hi how are you
28:28and my students said my mother died this
28:31morning
28:33and guess what happened oh that's great
28:35i'll see you this afternoon
28:37people are hearing but not listening
28:41i like to be a compassionate listener
28:45even to the white supremacy
28:49member who came to see me and told me
28:52how he's going to kill
28:54all the jewish people
28:57all the black people all the mexicans
29:01all the chinese
29:03and not to react if i would have reacted
29:07i would have taken that boy and drake
29:10him to the corner
29:12i would step on him and tell him who do
29:15you think you're talking to
29:17i saw my mother going to the gas chamber
29:23but i think that the most obnoxious
29:25person
29:27is my best teacher
29:32so i i think it's very good to look at
29:35the bigger
29:36in you yeah
29:39it's there there is a hitler there there
29:42is a mother teresa there
29:44there is kindness there is goodness and
29:47i think it's very very important
29:50to really change our thinking that
29:54can change our lives
29:57yeah i i'm getting shivers
30:00as you're talking because
30:07this these words of wisdom
30:10that you that you speak
30:16i can feel the truth in them you know
30:19i can feel the this
30:23i guess this is this is where i'm
30:26i've been coming for a few years i've
30:28really been trying to understand myself
30:30understand human behavior and
30:35i'm fascinated by people i'm fascinated
30:37why
30:39why someone's ended up in front of me
30:40why they've got a particularly honest
30:42why they
30:42talk about it in a particular way why
30:46some engage with what you want them to
30:48do and others don't engage
30:50and i've never really judged my patients
30:53i've always tried to
30:54learn from them and understand and
30:58i guess where i'm currently on in my
31:00journey
31:01and what i love about what you just said
31:03is
31:05i i literally do this every day i look
31:07for
31:08the friction i look for
31:12where was i not at ease with something
31:14where did something
31:15bother me or where did i feel an emotion
31:19and then my current
31:22approach is instead of trying to blame
31:25somebody else for that
31:27i go no no hold on this is me what is
31:29this bringing up in me
31:31because that's what i can control i can
31:33control my reaction so if i'm getting
31:36triggered
31:37what is it triggering so i spend my life
31:39now going inwards
31:41and i gotta say it's so rewarding
31:44because
31:45what could be better than understanding
31:48yourself
31:50oh that is so beautiful because you said
31:54the magic word
31:56trigger it has nothing to do what's
31:59going on this minute with that person
32:02that person is triggering something in
32:05me
32:06that is totally mine
32:10unfinished emotional
32:13family of origin business
32:18see so then your great form
32:22and you say tell me more because love is
32:26time t-i-m-e
32:28and it's very hard to give time right
32:31how much time do they give you
32:35with a person 15-20 minutes
32:3810. 10 minutes
32:42yeah 10 10 minutes
32:48every moment is changing
32:51their lives don't try to understand
32:55things
32:56that that that belongs to a classroom
32:59it's all in your head just go to the
33:02heart
33:03and just say sounds like and then put
33:06the feeling word next to it
33:08sounds like you're angry about that
33:11i did that with a general
33:15okay and he said
33:18uh about the daughter a teenage daughter
33:22who's smoking part and telling the
33:25fathers
33:26all kinds of unfortunate labels
33:29dictator and so on
33:32and
33:37you cannot change what other people are
33:39gonna say to you
33:41but you can see the more they talk
33:44the more relaxed i become that you take
33:48the negative stimuli
33:50and turn it into positive
33:53you see and then you say i'm practicing
33:57my low frustration tolerance level
34:03so you i'm not a shrink i'm a stretch
34:06yeah
34:07you are a stretch and they're straight
34:10they really are testing you pushing your
34:14buttons too
34:16not to react because when you react you
34:19don't think
34:20but how to respond just take a deep
34:23breath
34:26you cannot change the external
34:29circumstance i could not change that
34:33when i actually looked at the guards
34:36that they were the prisoners
34:38not me that i was innocent
34:42and when a woman tells me somebody
34:46touched me inappropriate
34:49and i don't know how to tell you because
34:51you were in auschwitz
34:54and i tell that woman you were more in
34:57prison than i was
34:59because i knew the enemy
35:03i was told i'm never gonna get out of
35:05here alive
35:07i was told i'm cancer to society
35:11and the only way i will get out of here
35:13as a corpse
35:17and they took my blood
35:20many many times and one time i
35:24asked why are you taking my blood
35:27and he said to aid the german soldiers
35:30so we can win the war and take over
35:34the world i couldn't hang my
35:37arm away right but i said to myself
35:40stupid idiot
35:43i was a ballerina
35:46i with my blood you're never gonna win
35:49the war
35:50and so i had my humor you know sarcasm
35:54cynicism
35:56whatever kind of humor that really kept
35:59us alive
36:01but it is very important for
36:04you to know that many people can do what
36:08you can do but not the way
36:10you can do that you're unique you're
36:14one of a kind i love the way
36:17you are with me you see i
36:20i i see the honesty
36:23and the humanness accepting the fact
36:27that you're human and you make mistakes
36:30and you will make mistakes because we
36:34don't have any godly powers with humans
36:38and it's okay not to be perfect
36:42yeah and by the way when you are a
36:44perfect
36:46perfectionist you're going to
36:48procrastinate
36:50keep that in mind that
36:53you want to do everything just right
36:56and when my granddaughter was in a class
37:00and the iq was 148.
37:04she was a perfectionist and i went to
37:07visit the class
37:08and she would erase one thing a million
37:11times
37:12and the teacher called her my little red
37:16caboose
37:17that's the last car on a train
37:22it's called the rap caboose
37:25so she thought she doesn't qualify
37:29to stay in that class and she was ready
37:32to check out and she was about 10
37:36years old and the first time i talked to
37:39her about
37:40auschwitz on a 10 year old level
37:44so you have to know age-wise who you're
37:47talking to
37:49i cannot talk to a 10 year old about
37:52cognitive dissonance
37:54i can talk to you about it but i think
37:57we need to learn how to meet people than
38:00they are
38:02and then treat them the way you want
38:04them to be
38:06so i told you
38:09not to allow the teacher to call her
38:12names i don't like labels anyway
38:16i succeeded she went back to school and
38:19when it was time
38:21to write letters
38:25to get to colleges you have to write
38:28your autobiography
38:30and the title was when the caboose
38:34became an engine and she got into
38:38princeton
38:39she graduated with anna's she got a ucla
38:43got a phd and she's a professor of
38:47psychology today
38:48so you see you got to question authority
38:54and rather than blindly adhere to
38:56authority
38:57i also like to tell you that ahmadi
39:01jidan said many years ago
39:05and i was interviewed by the same person
39:09larry king he said that the holocaust
39:12did not exist
39:15and i'm quite sure that ahmadinejida did
39:18not
39:18read plato who said
39:21you have to think of a lie it has to be
39:24a big one and then you repeat it repeat
39:28it until people believe it so
39:31our biggest enemy is ignorance
39:35and it's very very important
39:38to look at the small towns when people
39:42are hearing a preacher and talking
39:45against
39:46this one or against that one and be
39:49sure that children question
39:52authority rather than blindly adhere
39:56to authority yeah
39:59yeah what was it about you
40:04in auschwitz that gave you
40:08the the spirit
40:11to keep going because you mentioned the
40:13story that if you touched the guard
40:15you'd be
40:15shot and you saw some of your
40:19uh fellow inmates doing that and i i
40:22the question that rose up for me is
40:25do you think that some of them did that
40:27on purpose because they couldn't
40:29take it anymore and they knew if they
40:32touched a guard
40:33that it would be over
40:37i had a friend who was so proud
40:42that her father and into the world wire
40:46that he took charge of his life
40:49you know that is dead i was 16
40:53in love i wanted to live so badly
40:58i wanted to do everything in my power
41:02not to ever allow them
41:07to take over
41:12that spirit that is with me now
41:17that spirit that you're reading
41:21because people ask me for a how-to book
41:25they wanted to know what what
41:28can be done in a challenging situation
41:32so there is no problem there are only
41:34challenges
41:36there is no crisis there is only
41:39transition
41:41okay so if you approach midlife
41:45don't talk about crises talk about
41:48transition because you're gonna give up
41:50your need
41:52to please other people you're gonna give
41:55up the
41:55need for other people's approval you
41:59you you regain your power
42:02you give birth to the you
42:05that is free at last
42:09some people may listen to this and
42:12listen to your story
42:14and go wow she's an incredible lady
42:17which i
42:18completely agree with but they may go
42:20one step further and they may say
42:23well she's special she's got a
42:25superpower
42:27i'm not like her she was able to
42:30overcome
42:31what she went through and come out the
42:33other side she's stronger than me
42:36what would you say to someone who's
42:38feeling like that
42:40get rid of the word overcome
42:44i don't forget i do not overcome
42:49i come to terms with it
42:52part of me was left in auschwitz
42:55i want to be a realist not
42:58an idealist life is difficult the more i
43:02suffer
43:03the stronger i become i did not
43:07ask to go to auschwitz you did not
43:10ask to be touched inappropriately
43:13you did not ask to be daddy's little
43:17um little little woman
43:21like when you watch gone with the wind
43:25the movie it's a wonderful movie to talk
43:28about
43:29and take each every one of those
43:31wonderful
43:32characters that he doesn't take his wife
43:35to london
43:36it takes the little girl to london
43:40and that's why i asked many people when
43:42did your childhood
43:44end
43:48see because many
43:51children have to take care of their
43:54parents
43:55if father is an alcoholic if mother
43:58doesn't get up until four o'clock in the
44:00afternoon
44:01because she has migraine headaches i
44:03think it's very
44:04important to yourself when did you have
44:08my childhood end
44:10if you're a child of an immigrant my
44:13little girl was two years old when we
44:15came to america
44:18she taught me how to speak english she
44:20taught me how to
44:22buy peanut butter i never saw peanut
44:25butter in my whole life
44:27or tuna fish you know so so
44:30the children become parentaged
44:34so you got to kind of see whether you
44:37went through the ages
44:39and stages of life the person to really
44:43study
44:44is piaget and piaget
44:47as a psychologist studying the ages and
44:51stages of our development
44:54and many many people are grieving
44:57over their childhood or the teenage
45:00years
45:00they never had yeah
45:04for sure one of the things um
45:08i've heard you say before is
45:12i don't want you to hear my story and
45:14say
45:15my own suffering is insignificant
45:18i want you to hear it and say if she can
45:21do it
45:22so can i it was so such a wonderful
45:26thing to read and it
45:27it sort of partners very nicely with
45:29another thing you say in the book which
45:30is there is no
45:31hierarchy in trauma and i think this is
45:34such an important point and
45:35actually um this morning
45:39i mean i'm talking to you in the british
45:41evening i'm sure
45:42it's morning i think for you in
45:44california
45:46um and i had a conversation with someone
45:48today about
45:49um just about racism
45:52and actually how we can talk about race
45:56to our children
45:58and as we were talking about it
45:59afterwards
46:01this this whole idea came up that
46:04sometimes in life if we hear that
46:07someone has suffered
46:08more than us there's often a guilt that
46:11happens or we think oh
46:13well i can't really tell them how i'm
46:14feeling because my suffering is nothing
46:17compared to theirs and i thought
46:18the way you put it in the book there's
46:20no hierarchy and trauma
46:22was just so beautiful
46:25no because it's in the in my book that
46:29the choice when a woman
46:32came and the daughter was dying of
46:35hemophilia
46:36and we cried and cried and the following
46:40hour someone cried the same way
46:44because her cadillac was delivered
46:47and it was not the same shade that she
46:50expected so do i tell that woman
46:53you stupid idiot you should have been
46:56here an hour ago
46:58that don't minimize or trivialize
47:02anything suffering is a feeling
47:06it's part of life it's
47:10good to invite it in when you get
47:12triggered
47:13feel that feeling but then you decide
47:16how long you're going to hold on to that
47:19feeling
47:20any behavior satisfies a need
47:24and if you're the victim you're going to
47:28gain a lot because
47:31you don't have to do anything you're
47:34always going to find a victimizer
47:36and couples do that too the victim
47:40becomes the victimizer goes back and
47:42forth and back and forth
47:44i don't know if that means any sense to
47:46you but all i can tell you
47:49that man created patriarchy
47:53and the bible even says that the
47:56woman comes to the world to please men
48:00and take care of men if i would be a man
48:04i would do the same thing that you
48:07marry someone who's a virgin you marry
48:10someone who's
48:10younger so god forbid that you'll find
48:13out
48:14that another man is a better lover you
48:17know it's
48:17it's very rare defined that the man
48:22is the king and it's okay if she is the
48:25queen
48:26and the children are the princes and the
48:28princess and
48:29there is nothing wrong with that but a
48:32man
48:33has to use his power to be the role
48:37model
48:39to the children
48:42who are looking at that father and say
48:46i want to be just like him or
48:50i want to be everything he's not yeah
48:53can you relate it to that yeah
48:57that the boy especially looks at that
49:00and said i want to be
49:02just i came over there is no way i'm
49:05ever going to be like my father
49:07and guess what he grows up
49:11and he decides
49:15to be a caregiver even though the father
49:18wants
49:20him to join his business or
49:24become a doctor just like him
49:27that's no problem because the son
49:30chose to give up the need
49:34for his father's approval
49:37see there is he got to give up something
49:43and that's no problem but when he said
49:45i'm never gonna be like my father
49:48then he's the rebel and if you
49:51if you are wanting proof something
49:54you're still
49:55a prisoner yeah
50:00if you want to prove something you're
50:03still not free
50:07so if you want to prove something to
50:09somebody else
50:11there's still charge isn't it there's
50:12still emotion behind that
50:15you're still a child and you don't know
50:18how to just let go
50:21of my father is my father i carry half
50:25of it in my
50:26blood half of it is my mother
50:29half of it is my father and i'm gonna
50:32make peace with my father
50:34i don't have to be like him he can be
50:38himself
50:39and i can be i and hopefully we can
50:43empower
50:44each other with our differences
50:48you don't come from an agenda
50:52in marriage too when a woman said
50:56my love is gonna cure him and he's gonna
50:59stop drinking
51:00no he's already married
51:04to the alcohol he's an addict
51:08she doesn't realize that love
51:12is something that you accept someone
51:17just the way they are
51:21when i marry him and i'm gonna love him
51:24he's gonna stop drinking
51:27that's not reality
51:32or a workaholic anything that you do
51:35excels
51:37you got to look at addiction so powerful
51:41you mentioned that you would say if you
51:44or when you wake up tomorrow i think you
51:48said you'll see your boyfriends
51:51was it the thought of your boyfriend
51:53that kept you going was that
51:55the picture you painted inside your mind
51:59to keep you going and also along with
52:01that how important
52:03is it for all of us no matter
52:06who we are or where we are in life
52:10to have something outside ourselves
52:14to be holding on to and to you know to
52:17serve others i guess is what i'm trying
52:18to say is how important was that to help
52:21get you through what was how important
52:24is it for those of us
52:25who haven't been through what you went
52:27through but are still struggling
52:30you are so brilliant but i'm going to
52:33give you one word
52:36that
52:40guided me to survive and the word is
52:43curiosity i always wanted to know
52:47what's going to happen next i was
52:50curious
52:51[Music]
52:54there is no way i wanted to
52:58ever do anything other than one didn't
53:01know what's going to happen next
53:07and who knows what's going to happen
53:08next
53:10you may find your freedom and you may
53:14find out that
53:17you can discover within you
53:20that you never thought was possible
53:23that no one can take away the way you
53:26think about
53:27anything your attitude your responses
53:33your opportunity
53:36to pray for the gods because they were
53:40the prisoners
53:44so it's just what you think you create
53:47that is very true so if you use words
53:51like i
53:52always i never you know
53:56a woman tells me i got to find a man
53:59and i said to her you know what if i
54:02were a man
54:03i would run from you see
54:07she's operating on a very negative
54:09self-fulfilling prophecy
54:12i'm always there some never that get rid
54:15of those words
54:16they are absolutistic just say up till
54:19now i did this
54:21and now i can read the gift and
54:24i have a choice the more choices you
54:27have
54:28the less you feel like a victim
54:32you you bring up this this very
54:34important
54:37concepts of language and
54:42the words we use to describe things now
54:45i'm going to
54:45share with you that i actually
54:50generally speaking no longer say
54:53to my knowledge i lost my dad
54:56but for some reason in this conversation
54:58early on
55:00it popped out so clearly i haven't fully
55:03eliminated that because normally i don't
55:05say it anymore
55:06but for some reason i did and and why
55:09i'm sharing that is because i
55:10i've been really feeling over the last
55:12few years and this is something that
55:14my wife and i spend a lot of time with
55:15our kids doing
55:17is being very mindful of words like if
55:19the kids say oh i'm never good at it
55:21you know it's all that always happens
55:22it's like hold on is that true
55:25is that really true how about we
55:27rephrase that
55:29or if they say something like um oh man
55:32i need that
55:34do you do you need that and i tell you
55:36my daughter who's only seven
55:39she gets this like she she calls me out
55:42now daddy do you really
55:42do do you need that oh you mean you want
55:45it well okay you know thanks darling
55:47thanks for letting me
55:48know so i guess what i want to ask you
55:50is
55:51how important are the words we use
55:54and then you're writing this
55:58brilliant world life-changing books in
56:01your 90s
56:03but how can we teach those lessons
56:06to children so they don't need to wait
56:09till mid-life and later life to learn
56:12what you've learned and what you're
56:14trying to teach us now
56:17beautiful needs are things without which
56:21we cannot survive
56:24period we need to breathe
56:28without air we cannot go on beyond
56:32four minutes we need
56:36to sleep after three days we hallucinate
56:41we need to sleep we need to
56:45eat eventually
56:48i know for about two weeks i didn't get
56:51any food
56:53i knew that gandhi
56:57went possibly a month without food
57:00and people say you know i need to go
57:03downtown
57:04i need to take care of this and that and
57:07i
57:08that's not a need that's a want
57:12and why why is it important that we get
57:14this right because some people will go
57:16yeah but this is just colloquial talk it
57:19doesn't matter
57:20but i i suspect you think as i do that
57:22it actually does matter
57:24it does matter and also people have the
57:28rules
57:29that are very rigid rather than flexible
57:33i need to write a letter to my mother i
57:36need to call my mother every day
57:39my sister clara made her granddaughter
57:43call her every morning eight o'clock and
57:46sing
57:46a hungarian song
57:50otherwise she was gonna be punished
57:53you see my sister
57:57was a very controlling person
58:02and you know what that kid didn't want
58:04to go to grandma
58:06after that she really didn't know how to
58:09be a grandma
58:12okay you get to learn two things
58:15negotiate and compromise you make a deal
58:19with your child there they give me fifty
58:23dollars
58:25but don't tell me what to do with your
58:27fifty dollars
58:28that's a child they want all the freedom
58:32and no responsibility
58:35so you write the constitution for your
58:37family
58:39that you work as a team
58:42you have two children then you have four
58:45wheels
58:46and that four wheels is is necessary
58:50because if one of them goes
58:52the other three goes with it
58:55that you have rules right then
58:59america has a constitution you write
59:02your constitution
59:07but there is no punishment only
59:10consequence
59:14so if you don't do this and this and
59:17this
59:18that means the weekend you stay home
59:23see you talk about rules and the
59:25children
59:26are part of the decision-making process
59:31it's not me telling you what you should
59:34do
59:34get rid of that word you could
59:38it's called assertive discipline
59:42so if i am a school teacher
59:46i am certified and um
59:50if if you make noises in my class
59:54i'm coming to you and tell you you know
59:58i get paid
59:59for teaching this class and if you make
1:00:03noises
1:00:04it really interferes with my
1:00:07process so you see i'm giving you a
1:00:10choice to leave
1:00:12or stay here quietly
1:00:15because there is no freedom without
1:00:18responsibility
1:00:20it's energy
1:00:26so love is again not what you feel it's
1:00:30what you do
1:00:32and you do for the betterment of that
1:00:35family
1:00:37and i think you can teach the 70 year
1:00:40old
1:00:41how to put the dishes in a dishwasher it
1:00:43has to be age appropriate
1:00:47yeah so you have a seven-year-old
1:00:50daughter and
1:00:52a ten-year-old son okay so
1:00:56the seven-year-old daughter will tell
1:00:58you i want to go to bed
1:01:00when my brother goes to bed i don't want
1:01:03to go to bed earlier
1:01:06am i saying something yeah okay
1:01:10and i hate you daddy
1:01:13i hate you mommy and i say
1:01:18and the child says
1:01:19[Music]
1:01:22why do i have to go to bed early
1:01:26and why do you tell me and mommy said
1:01:29because i'm a good mommy and that's what
1:01:33good mommies do
1:01:34rather than because i said so
1:01:38that's stupid what do you mean i
1:01:41said so that's how i grew up
1:01:47that's how i grew up because i said so
1:01:50there was no conversation
1:01:53so what do you want what kind of family
1:01:56do you want
1:02:00do you want dictatorship
1:02:04do you want to be a knowledgeable leader
1:02:06i'm sure you are
1:02:08i don't have to tell you any of that
1:02:11you create an atmosphere where
1:02:15children can feel any feelings without
1:02:18the fear
1:02:19of being judged yeah
1:02:24sorry it is not like you know bad or
1:02:28good
1:02:29no no no
1:02:35one thing we started doing this summer
1:02:37edith um
1:02:39and i think this this was actually i
1:02:41took about three weeks off social media
1:02:44i just
1:02:44i just went off it was an incredible
1:02:48time because i was able to really tap
1:02:50into who i was what i was feeling
1:02:54without having to listen to the noise of
1:02:57the world or
1:02:58not having to because i never had to it
1:02:59was a choice i made the choice
1:03:02to for three weeks to
1:03:05turn off the noise from outside so i
1:03:08could go in
1:03:09inwards and in that time
1:03:12i started to write down some of my own
1:03:14personal values
1:03:16really used to think about what are they
1:03:17what are the values by which i want to
1:03:20live
1:03:20my life and then i had the the idea
1:03:24what out i was walking in the woods
1:03:26thinking about i thought
1:03:27why don't we do this as a family and so
1:03:30one dinner time or just before meal time
1:03:32i think
1:03:33we sat down the four of us and we all
1:03:36had to
1:03:36contribute and we came up with five
1:03:39values or so and
1:03:40we all had to agree so i said
1:03:44you know mummy and daddy can't enforce
1:03:45any of these values at all
1:03:47we all have to agree so once some so
1:03:49everyone had a chance to come up with
1:03:51their own value
1:03:52and we went round the table and everyone
1:03:54had to say whether they agreed or not
1:03:56and what's been really great about it
1:03:58and this is just an experiment
1:04:00that i've been trying with my wife is
1:04:03that
1:04:03if one of us is not
1:04:06has done something that is not aligned
1:04:09with that value
1:04:11then the conversation goes like let's
1:04:13say it's one of my children
1:04:15the conversation is okay so was what you
1:04:18did there
1:04:19aligned with the values that we've all
1:04:23agreed on and what it's
1:04:26you know i'm finding it really effective
1:04:28because
1:04:29it's not anyone telling one another what
1:04:32they've done or what they haven't done
1:04:33it's really treating people with respect
1:04:35and saying hey look
1:04:37we all agree to this yeah actually you
1:04:39know what i've done something that's not
1:04:40aligned with that
1:04:43i'm going to recognize that and make a
1:04:45change
1:04:47is that the sort of thing you're talking
1:04:48about
1:04:51well i like things to be written down
1:04:56so so you avoid
1:04:59what i thought you said i think you said
1:05:02and no you
1:05:05you you write down
1:05:09what if then if then
1:05:12if this happened then you know
1:05:15and that and then you hear
1:05:18your child saying because
1:05:22sometimes we say i understand when we
1:05:25don't
1:05:26when i came to america people spoke to
1:05:28me and they wanted to know if i really
1:05:31get it
1:05:32and i would say yes even though i had no
1:05:35idea what they were talking about
1:05:37so i think you want to be sure that you
1:05:41hear exactly when you
1:05:44write it down and sign it on the dotted
1:05:47line
1:05:48and have it noticed that those are the
1:05:51rules
1:05:53we are for cooperation not competition
1:05:57or domination
1:05:59but i was made before you
1:06:03and that's why i am an adult
1:06:06and your brain doesn't develop until
1:06:09you're 25.
1:06:12so a child does not
1:06:16play with a full card until they're
1:06:1925 and that's why you have to really
1:06:23know
1:06:24how to talk to a child
1:06:28who is limited not limitless you got to
1:06:32study the ages
1:06:34and stages of development
1:06:39you talk about cooperation and one of
1:06:41the
1:06:44one of the many striking things about
1:06:47your life story that i've read about
1:06:50is how even in auschwitz
1:06:55kindness and cooperation
1:06:58was absolutely key it was key for you to
1:07:01survive
1:07:02and actually not only was it key for
1:07:05you to survive it potentially saved your
1:07:09life at a point later on i believe when
1:07:11you were
1:07:12starving and very very hungry
1:07:16when dr mengele gave me a piece of bread
1:07:19i could have gobbled it all up
1:07:23and i chose to climb up and share it
1:07:26with the girls
1:07:28and later on when i was in the death
1:07:31march
1:07:32going from mount house and to guns kevin
1:07:38and if i would have stopped i would have
1:07:40been shot right away
1:07:43i revisited that place every place i was
1:07:47and i looked at those places that i
1:07:50could have been
1:07:52shot and the girls that i shared the
1:07:55bread with some me
1:07:57stopping and they came and they carried
1:08:01me
1:08:01they formed a chair with their arms
1:08:04and they carried me so i wouldn't die
1:08:08all we had was each other then
1:08:11and all we have is each other now
1:08:15and cannibalism broke out
1:08:19and when people were eating other
1:08:21people's flesh
1:08:24i beg people to watch a movie called the
1:08:27sound of music
1:08:31because i ask god
1:08:34to help me because i cannot possibly
1:08:37touch
1:08:38human flesh and god
1:08:41said just look down and i realized i
1:08:45discovered
1:08:46that i still have grass to eat and i
1:08:50remember
1:08:51then choosing one blade of grass
1:08:54over and against the other so i can't
1:08:58is not in my vocabulary when i go to a
1:09:02classroom
1:09:03i run to the blackboard i put i can't
1:09:06equal i am helpless and then i take the
1:09:10eraser
1:09:12and take the apostrophe and a t i can
1:09:15why because i think i can
1:09:18the whole cognitive psychology based on
1:09:22a philosopher
1:09:23called epictetus who said
1:09:27it's not what happens makes you feel the
1:09:29way you feel
1:09:31is the way you view it yeah
1:09:36you know this idea that
1:09:40we have the power we have the power to
1:09:42choose
1:09:43if we take some common scenarios right
1:09:46so
1:09:48you know i i i made a little video on
1:09:50judgement the other day and i
1:09:51i sort of released it and it really
1:09:54connected well with people but one
1:09:56person
1:09:57replied and said said wrong and look
1:10:00i love the video i i find it it's really
1:10:03really helpful
1:10:05i can do it i cannot judge others i can
1:10:07forgive others but the one person i
1:10:08can't forgive
1:10:10is the neighbor who was cruel to my
1:10:12elderly mother before she died
1:10:15okay so that's one thing and then other
1:10:18common scenarios that i hear
1:10:20let's say someone's husband has cheated
1:10:23on them
1:10:25right the common narrative is
1:10:29it's okay then to be a victim because on
1:10:31one level you are a victim
1:10:33or that is the perception right and so
1:10:36how would you help someone understand
1:10:38that and say
1:10:39okay something that you didn't want that
1:10:43you didn't expect that you didn't ask
1:10:45for
1:10:45has happened to you but the power
1:10:50is in what you do and how you view that
1:10:52situation
1:10:53i mean can you help maybe someone's
1:10:55listening to or watching this right now
1:10:57who's going through some of those
1:10:59scenarios how would you help them
1:11:01understand that actually they can choose
1:11:04the way they think about that situation
1:11:08i had a woman who came to see
1:11:12me with a big cross
1:11:15and i studied with car rogers and i
1:11:18learned from him
1:11:20unconditional positive regard to anyone
1:11:24who comes to see me
1:11:26even if they are a member of the white
1:11:28supremacist group
1:11:30so this woman came in
1:11:33and i talked to her and then she said to
1:11:36me
1:11:37i'm so glad i finally found
1:11:41a good christian counselor like you
1:11:46so i'm not saying anything because jesus
1:11:49was a poor little boy
1:11:51who was jewish you know so i thought to
1:11:54myself that's okay
1:11:55so we went on and then she became very
1:11:58angry
1:12:01my husband cheated on me
1:12:04i hate him want to kill
1:12:08him i don't know if i could ever
1:12:11forgive him
1:12:15shaking her fist and i very quietly said
1:12:19to her
1:12:22would you be so kind and repeat
1:12:25what i'm going to say
1:12:29she didn't like me anymore what she said
1:12:34and i said
1:12:39i forgive myself for putting judgment
1:12:43on my husband
1:12:47and she wanted to kill me it's not fair
1:12:51why are can you say that and then i say
1:12:55what did jesus say to the woman who
1:12:58committed the daughter
1:13:02so forgiveness is
1:13:05important
1:13:08not you forgiving anyone for anything
1:13:13it's for you to liberate
1:13:16yourself and give yourself a gift
1:13:22because you don't have godly powers
1:13:27the judgment is not done by you
1:13:32you do what's humanly possible and then
1:13:35you hand it over
1:13:39are you a muslim i'm a
1:13:42hindu by upbringing yes
1:13:45so you hand it over you know to
1:13:49some some some higher power
1:13:54that you limited
1:14:00so forgiveness is not about people tell
1:14:03me
1:14:03you're such a good person no no i'm
1:14:06selfish
1:14:07i want to have joy i want to have
1:14:09passion
1:14:11this woman didn't know
1:14:14whether she should ever take her husband
1:14:17back and
1:14:20she's gonna be in a doghouse
1:14:24because she's using sex as some kind of
1:14:27a trade-off
1:14:28that's not
1:14:31good thinking so i think it's very very
1:14:35important
1:14:36when people talk about forgiveness it's
1:14:39we don't have such powers as humans
1:14:43but we don't have to be a prisoner
1:14:47or a hostage of the past
1:14:50i live in the present i can only touch
1:14:54you
1:14:54now i don't forget the past
1:14:58i don't overcome it i came to terms with
1:15:02that
1:15:05there is a big difference i don't live
1:15:08in auschwitz
1:15:12i live in a present and i think young
1:15:16but not young and foolish
1:15:19so i'm not smart i'm wise hopefully
1:15:23and the best thing on that is watch the
1:15:26movie fiddler on the roof
1:15:28when that woman knows that her husband
1:15:31needs to feel
1:15:32that he makes all the decisions in her
1:15:35family
1:15:36and guess who makes the decisions
1:15:40she doesn't have any ego needs
1:15:44she makes the decisions and makes her
1:15:47husband feel
1:15:48that he makes all the decisions and
1:15:51that's a wise woman
1:15:56i'm sure you're you're married such a
1:15:59woman
1:16:00yeah you have a modern marriage
1:16:04and you work with as a team with each
1:16:07other
1:16:08because the pioneer woman worked
1:16:11alongside with the husband
1:16:13women became emotionally and financially
1:16:17dependent on a man and that's when the
1:16:21wife painting began
1:16:23so you really have to study patriarchy
1:16:26yeah there's there's that theme isn't
1:16:29there when you say if you're a victim
1:16:31there's a victimizer
1:16:33but we can choose to not maintain that
1:16:38dynamic if we want it's
1:16:39it's yeah it's it's so simple yet so
1:16:43powerful
1:16:45it takes it takes one to stop it
1:16:50you have to victim victimizer and it
1:16:52flip-flops many times
1:16:54in marriage but it takes one to stop it
1:16:58so when someone talks to you you want to
1:17:00ask
1:17:01whose problem is it
1:17:05because when people want to put that
1:17:07monkey on your back
1:17:08you very gently put it back where it
1:17:11belongs
1:17:13yeah otherwise you become a rescuer
1:17:16yeah i mean on the subject of
1:17:19couples there's a line that i
1:17:23i wrote down from the book uh when a
1:17:26couple say they never fight
1:17:29you say that you don't have intimacy
1:17:32either and that stopped me in my tracks
1:17:35and i wonder if you could just expand
1:17:36upon that please
1:17:40first of all intimacy requires
1:17:44vulnerability
1:17:48there is no intimacy
1:17:51and nothing blocks intimacy more
1:17:56than low level chronic anger
1:18:05so i tell you what many wives do
1:18:08from my 40 years of experience
1:18:12she doesn't want to go to bed with him
1:18:16she really doesn't want to go to bed
1:18:18with him
1:18:19she's tired
1:18:22but then she does because she thinks she
1:18:24should
1:18:26that's what good wives do and then she
1:18:30resents the fact
1:18:31that she did something that she didn't
1:18:33want to do
1:18:34and she can fluctuate from guilt to
1:18:38resentment
1:18:40not good
1:18:44it's not good so you got to really take
1:18:48time out and see
1:18:52how you can find intimacy
1:18:58and have
1:19:03non-sexual intimacy
1:19:08because when you say let's go to bed
1:19:11you may not know what you're really
1:19:14saying
1:19:15she thinks what you're really saying
1:19:18let's have sex
1:19:21but you just say you know let's go to
1:19:24bed
1:19:25you need to kind of clear things out
1:19:27sometimes
1:19:28because some people just
1:19:32react rather than
1:19:35really questioning what you really
1:19:38is this true is this what time you meant
1:19:42and you say yes or no that you kind of
1:19:45clear things out that what you're saying
1:19:50and what a person is receiving
1:19:53that you're on the same page
1:19:56once you have children many times for
1:19:59many many
1:20:00men the children come first and then the
1:20:03husband
1:20:04that's not good for the children
1:20:08the children need to know that mommy and
1:20:11daddy
1:20:12are on the same page
1:20:16it's not good to spoil your children
1:20:19they were the first one
1:20:21to die in auschwitz because poor
1:20:23children are wait for
1:20:25something to happen from the outside
1:20:30and nothing happened and they died
1:20:35dependency breeds depression
1:20:41and my daughter calls it eddy isms i
1:20:43give you two
1:20:46okay the opposite of depression is
1:20:49expression
1:20:50what comes out of your body doesn't make
1:20:52you eel
1:20:54what stays in there does the question
1:20:57again
1:20:58is are you revolving or are you evolving
1:21:04i usually wear a butterfly
1:21:07scarf i'm not wearing it now i like the
1:21:10idea of the metamorphosis
1:21:12and then we shed the christmas so we can
1:21:15fly
1:21:16freely like a butterfly
1:21:19the other questions i ask
1:21:22when did your childhood end
1:21:28because many children have to take care
1:21:31of a sick mommy
1:21:33or a daddy who possibly
1:21:38drinks too much or so on one more
1:21:41question
1:21:42would you like to be married to you
1:21:49that's a great question you're fun to be
1:21:52around here
1:21:55what was the question just before when
1:21:57did your childhood end
1:21:58when did your childhood end right so
1:22:01someone's listening to this
1:22:02and they find that a powerful question
1:22:06and they reflect and go yeah actually
1:22:09you know what mine ended when i was
1:22:10eight years old when i had to do
1:22:12x y and zed what can they do with that
1:22:16because you're you're giving them an
1:22:18awareness
1:22:19but some people will go okay i've got
1:22:21the awareness now
1:22:23but what do i do next you go to see
1:22:27someone like dr edith
1:22:30and revisit the places where you've been
1:22:35and find that eight-year-old
1:22:38and speak with the 80 year old on the
1:22:40language of an
1:22:42eight-year-old so they can feel that
1:22:46feeling
1:22:47of powerlessness so they had to
1:22:50give up their true self to fit that
1:22:53family dynamics
1:22:57and someone who can hold your hand
1:23:01and get you through that that no matter
1:23:04what happened you made it
1:23:07so the question is not why me but what
1:23:11now but it's okay to say why me
1:23:14it's okay to grieve because you have to
1:23:17go through the rage
1:23:19you don't cover garlic with chocolate
1:23:23is rage good can rage be part of the
1:23:25healing process
1:23:28you can't heal what you don't feel
1:23:32so don't medicate grief
1:23:35it's a natural reaction to a loss
1:23:38and don't minimize it or trivialize it
1:23:46yeah so
1:23:49you feel that the rage
1:23:54but don't get addicted to it
1:23:58don't get stuck in there some people are
1:24:01totally
1:24:03chronically angry
1:24:06but there are other emotions under anger
1:24:10a lot of pain i see a lot of pain
1:24:13a lot of frustration and feeling
1:24:17and of course most most of all anger is
1:24:20not
1:24:21a primary emotion underneath of anger
1:24:25i find a lot of fear
1:24:29and you can write down all your fears
1:24:33remember you were born with it you
1:24:35learned it
1:24:36and then you can get rid of it with a
1:24:39positive reinforcement
1:24:41for one negative you can write down five
1:24:44positive
1:24:45you know you can do you know you don't
1:24:47have to go for years and years
1:24:49to therapy not at all you can be
1:24:52flexible rather than rigid
1:24:54you stop blaming and you become very
1:24:58responsible and i think i think that you
1:25:02and acknowledge that when you're a
1:25:06survivor
1:25:07you also not
1:25:12thinking anything other than setting
1:25:15good boundaries with people
1:25:18because you got to accept limitations
1:25:21and boundaries and
1:25:26you have to give up a need for revenge
1:25:29because while you are having a revenge
1:25:33um your your
1:25:37your very punitive and very vengeful
1:25:40and it's not going to give you the
1:25:43spiritual freedom
1:25:45that forgiveness does yeah
1:25:48edith look i want to be very respectful
1:25:50of your time um
1:25:52you you you know
1:25:55i really have had shivers on many
1:25:57occasions during our conversation
1:25:59i think what you've been through what
1:26:03you're now
1:26:03sharing with us has so much value to all
1:26:07of us
1:26:08and i really will take from this that
1:26:11it's if she can do it so can i
1:26:15you know i want everyone who's listening
1:26:17to this if she can do it so can i i
1:26:19think it's a wonderful
1:26:20wonderful um sentiments
1:26:24i i gotta say i i can't recommend your
1:26:27book the gift more i think it's
1:26:29essential reading for everyone i think
1:26:31it's
1:26:31i think it's a gift that we'll keep on
1:26:33giving because you'll come back to it as
1:26:35i do at various times on different
1:26:37mornings
1:26:38when different things are going on in my
1:26:39life and
1:26:41the phrases have a slightly different
1:26:43relevance and
1:26:45oh something happened yesterday where i
1:26:47got triggered oh that's a nice little
1:26:48reminder and so i really think it's one
1:26:51of those books that people can dip
1:26:52in and out of and i think it's a
1:26:54wonderful
1:26:55wonderful gift to the world um
1:26:58i would have my dream would have been to
1:27:00have done this face to face
1:27:02you know until the pandemic i did all my
1:27:04conversations face-to-face i'd come to
1:27:06l.a twice a year
1:27:07do face-to-face conversations i very
1:27:09much hope
1:27:10at some point in the future if things do
1:27:12return where people can travel
1:27:15and visit i would it would be an honor
1:27:17to meet you face to face one day and
1:27:19continue this conversation
1:27:21um i'd love to have you
1:27:25in my home i love you to meet my
1:27:28assistant
1:27:29precious katie and
1:27:32and to be always solution oriented
1:27:35rather than
1:27:36problem oriented and uh
1:27:39not to blame but to be responsible
1:27:42for what we're thinking feeling and
1:27:46behaving you're a wonderful role model
1:27:49i am i love to
1:27:53see you in my kitchen cooking some
1:27:56indian food that's a deal that's the
1:27:59deal i will come to your kitchen i will
1:28:01cook you something
1:28:02uh when this is all over but just to
1:28:05finish off either for people listening
1:28:07now
1:28:08for someone who's struggling in their
1:28:10life who feels they can't see a way out
1:28:14have you got any closing words that
1:28:16people can use as inspiration
1:28:19to take them on in their lives
1:28:22just a little mantra yes i am
1:28:25yes i can yes i will
1:28:29yes i am yes i can because it is
1:28:32temporary
1:28:33what you're going through
1:28:36so you have a choice
1:28:40you have a choice embrace that feeling
1:28:43invite that feeling in i hope my book is
1:28:47going to be in a hospital
1:28:49and there are no crisis that only
1:28:52transitions
1:28:54there are no problems there are only
1:28:57challenges
1:28:58edith it has been my absolute honor
1:29:02to have almost two hours with you today
1:29:06thank you so much and i really really
1:29:08look forward to next time we get to talk
1:29:10in person in your kitchen
1:29:14namaste namaste
1:29:18i really hope you enjoyed that
1:29:19conversation please do think about
1:29:21one thing that you can take and apply
1:29:23into your life
1:29:25inspiration is not enough you need to
1:29:27take action if you did enjoy that please
1:29:29do press subscribe
1:29:30hit that notification bell and why not
1:29:33check out this conversation that i
1:29:34picked out
1:29:35that acts as the perfect follow-up

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