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Attractive VS Unattractive Men: What They Do Differently (From A Woman's Perspective) — Transcript

by Caitlin V · 3,550 words · 533 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00Have you ever wondered why some men just
0:02seem to have it with women and others
0:04don't? And that it can't be explained by
0:07looks alone. Today, I'm going to show
0:09you these seven behaviors that separate
0:11attractive men from unattractive ones.
0:14And more importantly, how to build every
0:16single one of them in yourself. And they
0:18work whether you're single or 20 years
0:21into a marriage. Because attraction
0:23isn't something you win once, it's
0:25something you keep creating. I have
0:27watched women lose attraction to men
0:29that they were so excited about. And I
0:32have watched average men become
0:33dramatically more attractive in just the
0:36span of a single conversation. Because
0:38your first impression gets you noticed,
0:40but your last impression is the one that
0:43lasts. By the way, all seven of these
0:45are backed by research, my coaching
0:47work, or by being a woman who has
0:49experienced every single one of these on
0:51the other side. Let's dive right in.
0:53One, how he makes her feel about
0:55herself. Here's something most men don't
0:58realize. One of the biggest questions
1:00that women ask themselves relative to
1:02men is not, "Do I find him attractive?"
1:04It's, "How do I feel when I'm around
1:07him?" And there is a very, very real and
1:10felt difference between being observed
1:13by a guy and genuinely seen. The
1:15unattractive man makes a woman feel like
1:18she is being assessed or evaluated or
1:20looked at. Whereas an attractive man
1:23makes you feel seen. He sees the version
1:25of you that showed up that day. Research
1:28on attraction consistently points in
1:30this direction. Feeling understood and
1:32specifically noticed activates
1:34attraction more reliably than generic
1:37compliments about appearance. Because a
1:39compliment is about your surface, but
1:41being noticed is about you. The men I've
1:44worked with who women would generally
1:46describe as magnetic almost never lead
1:48with generic compliments. They notice
1:51something specific and true that nobody
1:54else noticed. How do you build this?
1:56Stop complimenting the obvious, first of
1:57all, and instead notice something
1:59specific about how she thinks, how she
2:02speaks, how she responded to something,
2:04something that is unique about her that
2:06most other people would miss. Saying
2:08something like, "Wow, you really light
2:10up when you talk about that." will land
2:1210 times more attractive than any
2:14generic like, "You're pretty." I
2:16remember seeing a man once who I had met
2:18before and I had previously written off.
2:20I wasn't very attracted to him when I
2:22first met him, but then I saw him again
2:23at a party and he noticed something very
2:25specific about me. He smiled and said,
2:28"Oh, you did your hair differently
2:29today. It looks really nice." It wasn't
2:31the compliment that caused me to look at
2:33him differently. People comment my hair
2:35all the time. It was the fact that he
2:37had noticed something like he had paid
2:39attention to me the first time and the
2:41second time and let me know that his
2:43attention was on me and therefore he
2:45stood out. Two, humor that is real
2:47versus performing to be liked. The
2:49unattractive man uses humor as armor. He
2:53deflects. He people pleases. He always
2:56keeps the joke going so that nobody can
2:58get too close. He's funny, sure, but
3:00he's also kind of exhausting. The
3:02attractive version is different. He's
3:03funny because he's genuinely present.
3:05He's not performing for the room. He
3:07just notices something true and then
3:09says it. And by the way, research backs
3:10this up. A University of Kansas study
3:13found that the more a man's humor
3:15actually landed and the more that he and
3:17a woman laughed together, the more
3:19romantically interested she became. In
3:21my experience, that kind of humor is
3:23difficult to manufacture, but it can be
3:25practiced. This type of humor signals
3:27social awareness and presence and the
3:29ability to read a room. And these are
3:31things that women find attractive
3:33without being always able to pinpoint
3:35why. Like your humor, welltimed,
3:38wellplaced, is a proxy for so many other
3:40things. So, how do you build this? Well,
3:43first of all, stop trying to be funny
3:45and start paying attention. Most real
3:47humor is just noticing something that is
3:50true and a little bit unexpected about
3:52the moment that you're in and then
3:53saying it out loud. You can invite her
3:55into a bit about how you always come to
3:58parties just to hang out alone. If you
4:00find yourself standing over in a quarter
4:02with her, one genuine observation beats
4:0510 rehearsed jokes any day. And don't
4:07worry if you're not the funniest person
4:09in the room. It truly doesn't matter
4:11because humor is attractive only when
4:13it's saying I'm comfortable enough to
4:15simply enjoy this moment with you.
4:17Instead of saying, "Please like me, I'm
4:19funny." This actually reminds me of this
4:21guy that not one but two of my close
4:23friends dated. He was not classically
4:26handsome. He was about 6 feet tall. I
4:28know you're curious. He was not
4:30polished, but he was one of the funniest
4:32people that I have ever met. I have to
4:33give him credit for that. And both of my
4:35friends were very attracted to him. But
4:37then they completely lost attraction to
4:40him because of one deeply unattractive
4:42trait that completely overshadowed his
4:44humor. Which brings me to the next
4:46point. Three, integrity under pressure
4:50versus deception under pressure. Now,
4:52that funny guy, here is what he did that
4:54ended up killing the attraction. It
4:56wasn't that he stopped being funny. it
4:57was that he couldn't be fully honest. He
5:00would hide uncomfortable truths about
5:02himself and then he would tell just
5:03enough about his truth to test her
5:06reaction, a behavior that is called
5:08trickle truthing. He maintained
5:10inappropriate relationships with other
5:12women while he was dating my friends and
5:14made attempts to hide them. That humor
5:16got him through the door, but the lack
5:18of integrity quickly got him out the
5:20exit. And honestly, I have seen this
5:22pattern more times than I care to admit.
5:24The unattractive manages the truth. He
5:27tells you what he thinks you want to
5:28hear. He withholds the uncomfortable
5:30parts and then trickle truths his way
5:32through difficult conversations. The
5:34attractive man isn't afraid of difficult
5:36conversations. He tells the
5:38uncomfortable truth directly, not
5:40because he's trying to impress you with
5:42his honesty, but because he is secure
5:44enough that he's not afraid of your
5:46reaction. Now, in my coaching work, I
5:49consistently see the same pattern.
5:51Deception is almost always rooted in
5:53insecurity. The men who hide things are
5:56almost never doing it maliciously.
5:58They're doing it because they're
5:59terrified that if a woman sees them
6:01clearly, then she will not choose them.
6:03Ironically, that's what makes them less
6:05attractive. And integrity isn't just
6:07about being honest. It also shows up in
6:09how you handle disagreement. The
6:11unattractive man either folds
6:13immediately to avoid conflict, which
6:15reads as spineless, or he gets defensive
6:18and rigid, which causes him to look
6:21fragile. The attractive man holds his
6:23perspective warmly and without ego. He
6:26can disagree with you without collapsing
6:28or escalating. And research on
6:30authenticity and interpersonal
6:32attraction consistently shows that
6:34perceived authenticity, the sense that
6:36someone is saying what they actually
6:38think is consistently linked to higher
6:41attraction ratings and greater trust. So
6:43the next time that you disagree with
6:44something that she says, say so. Be kind
6:47and direct, but hold your position if
6:49that's how you actually feel and see how
6:51she responds. Number four, owning your
6:53desire versus hiding your desire. This
6:55might be the most misunderstood thing
6:57men do. Because when it comes to desire,
6:59men tend to make one of two opposite
7:02mistakes. The first is in hiding it. A
7:05lot of men think that the attractive
7:07move is truly pretending that they do
7:09not care. They're playing it cool. They
7:12act unavailable and indifferent and they
7:15never let a woman know that they
7:17actually want her. But that is not
7:19confidence. That is at best game
7:21playing. And it seeps into how he
7:23engages with her. He will leave his
7:25phone out. He'll half listen. He will
7:27feain interest without actually giving
7:29it. But the second mistake is the
7:30opposite. He pushes it. He comes on so
7:33strong that she stops feeling wanted and
7:35she starts feeling responsible. like his
7:38hopes and his ego and his night all land
7:40on her and her response. His desire
7:43becomes something that she has to
7:44manage. These are two completely
7:46different behaviors, but they are rooted
7:48in the same thing. Both of these men are
7:50uncomfortable with their own desire.
7:51It's just that one buries it and one
7:53dumps it. Neither one's actually able to
7:55own it. The attractive man, he owns his
7:57desire unapologetically without making
8:00it her responsibility. There is a
8:02specific kind of feeling when you are
8:04wanted by a man who isn't ashamed of
8:07wanting you, but exercises restraint.
8:10This is something I see a lot in my work
8:12coaching men. The men who I would
8:14describe as magnetic are not the ones
8:16who hide what they want and they're not
8:18the ones who push for it because his
8:19desire isn't a demand, it's an
8:21invitation. This is exactly what I teach
8:24inside my new course, Wanted Again, the
8:26seduction reset. I built it primarily
8:28for men in long-term relationships
8:30because that is where I see this the
8:32most. Men who stopped initiating with
8:35their partner sometimes years ago. Not
8:37because they stopped wanting her, but
8:38because they are terrified of getting it
8:40wrong. They're scared of coming across
8:42as pushy or pressuring her, but they're
8:44also afraid of getting turned down again
8:46and having to live with that rejection.
8:48So, they reach for her less, but the
8:50wanting doesn't go away. The truth is
8:52that reaching less isn't the answer.
8:54Reaching cleaner is. Inside the course,
8:57I will teach you how to express desire
8:59without pressure. How to know when to
9:01continue, when to slow down, when to
9:03speed up, when to make a pivot, and when
9:05to stop. I will also teach you how to
9:06make her feel wanted instead of hunted.
9:09And underneath all of this is the real
9:11promise. You will finally understand how
9:14female desire and arousal actually work,
9:17especially in long-term relationships,
9:18so that you can create the conditions
9:20for them to return. And if you're
9:22single, don't worry, I didn't leave you
9:23out. I built an entire bonus section
9:25just for you. So, if you've ever
9:27thought, "I just don't know how to make
9:28a move anymore." You are exactly who I
9:31built this course for. The link for it
9:32is in the description. Five.
9:34Demonstrated competence versus performed
9:37competence. This is worth getting right
9:39because it is probably one of the most
9:40confusing ideas in dating, but it's
9:42actually very straightforward. Most men
9:44think that confidence is what women are
9:46attracted to, but it's not. It's
9:48actually that women are attracted to
9:50earned confidence and there is a huge
9:53difference. If you have heard the phrase
9:55fake it till you make it applied to
9:57dating, this is your warning not to do
10:00that. Performed confidence is a
10:01projection without anything underneath
10:03it and often it reads as arrogance.
10:06Demonstrated competence is different.
10:09That is a man who has earned his self
10:12asssurance at some point and he lets you
10:14see why. Which brings me to something
10:16that sits underneath this point, but is
10:18often underappreciated. How a man talks
10:20about himself. The unattractive man is
10:23constantly managing your impression of
10:26him. Sometimes he underells himself. He
10:29apologizes. He qualifies. He defends. He
10:32makes self-deprecating comments before
10:33anybody else has had a chance to
10:35question him. Other times, and more
10:37often, he oversells himself. He name
10:40drops. He makes sure that you know his
10:42credentials or the kind of car he
10:44drives. He makes grandiose claims about
10:46himself. These look like opposite
10:48behaviors on the surface, but they both
10:50signal insecurity underneath. The
10:52attractive man simply exists without
10:55needing to manage anyone's perception of
10:58him. And multiple studies confirm this.
11:00They show that women are attracted to
11:02demonstrated competence. It doesn't
11:05matter what you are good at. What
11:06matters is that you are uniquely good at
11:09something and that your confidence
11:10naturally grows out of it. I once met a
11:13man who was clearly very smart and very
11:15interesting. But he struck me as someone
11:18who knew that and was completely full of
11:20himself. But then later, years later, we
11:22were at a professional event together
11:24and he gave some feedback that was so
11:26specific, so helpful. It was so smart
11:30that that exact same confidence suddenly
11:32made sense. Of course, he felt that way
11:34about himself. He wasn't being arrogant.
11:36He had earned that. That was real. But I
11:39didn't know that until I saw it myself.
11:41So, what do you do with this? Notice how
11:42you talk about yourself in the next
11:44conversation. Are you trying to manage
11:46other folks impression of you? Are you
11:48trying to control what someone else
11:50thinks about you? And if so, stop it.
11:52And instead, look for opportunities to
11:54demonstrate your competence and let your
11:56actions speak for themselves. Be the
11:59person to jump in and help and support
12:01or show her how to do something around
12:03the house or out in public that she
12:05doesn't know how to do. Look for an
12:06opportunity to roll up your sleeves and
12:08do what you do best in front of women
12:10and women will notice. Six, selectivity
12:14versus undiscriminating pursuit. Look,
12:16women want to feel chosen. Everyone
12:18does, too. That's not a gendered trait.
12:20One of the fastest ways to kill
12:21attraction is by making someone feel
12:23replaceable. The unattractive man makes
12:26every woman feel chosen, which means no
12:28woman can actually feel it for real.
12:31Whereas the attractive man makes a woman
12:33feel specifically wanted. She doesn't
12:35feel like she's just one of his many
12:37options, right? She doesn't feel like
12:38she was just the first person available.
12:40She feels like he's interested in her.
12:42Research on mate selectivity shows that
12:44men who signal genuine selectivity
12:47through focused attention and specific
12:49interest rather than broad
12:51indiscriminate pursuit are perceived as
12:53more valuable romantic partners. And the
12:56psychology is simple. If someone chooses
12:58carefully, then being chosen by them
13:00means something. Okay, I have another
13:02personal story about this one too. I met
13:04a man once also at a birthday party. He
13:06was magnetic, great conversationalist,
13:09the kind of person that made you feel
13:11like you were the only woman in the
13:13room, maybe in the whole world. The
13:15connection that I had with him felt so
13:17real, I even gave him my phone number,
13:20only to learn later that he had also
13:22gotten two of my friends numbers in the
13:25exact same night. And honestly, it
13:27completely changed how I saw him. Not
13:30because pursuing multiple people is
13:32inherently wrong. I would not tell you
13:33that. I totally understand dating is a
13:35numbers game sometimes and you want to
13:38maximize your reach. But when I looked
13:40back on our interaction, all I could see
13:42was him manufacturing that connection.
13:45Like what had felt unique, like a moment
13:48that we shared together suddenly didn't
13:50feel unique. It didn't feel special at
13:52all. And from my coaching experience,
13:54I've seen this over and over and over
13:56again. The men who wonder why their
13:58attention isn't landing are often
14:00spreading it everywhere. And women can
14:02feel the difference between being
14:04genuinely chosen and being a convenient
14:06person who happens to be next in your
14:08line. No one wants to be next in line.
14:10So what do you do when you are
14:11interested in someone? Focus there. One
14:14woman who feels specifically wanted will
14:16respond differently than five women who
14:18feel pursued. Focus on genuine
14:21connection over the numbers game. Be
14:23intentional with your attention instead
14:26of giving a little bit to everyone.
14:27>> [music]
14:27>> I guarantee if he had focused on just
14:29one of the three of us, one of the three
14:31of us would have ended up going out with
14:33him instead of all three of us being
14:34genuinely turned off. Seven, emotional
14:37accessibility versus emotional
14:39unavailability. It's simple. Women
14:41cannot connect with someone who they
14:42cannot emotionally access. Attraction
14:45doesn't grow just because you spend time
14:47in proximity. It grows because she gets
14:50the chance to actually know you with
14:52time. The unattractive man feels
14:54emotionally unavailable. You can spend
14:56hours with him and still have no idea
14:58who he actually is. Either because
15:00that's what he's portraying because he
15:02thinks that's what strength looks like
15:04or how men are supposed to be or because
15:06being vulnerable feels too risky for
15:08him. The attractive man, however, is
15:10different. He lets you see him. But
15:12there is an important nuance. Emotional
15:14accessibility is not emotional flooding.
15:17A man who unloads every feeling he has
15:19ever had on the first date isn't
15:21emotionally available. He is emotionally
15:24exhausting. The attractive version is
15:26honest but discerning. It doesn't
15:27overwhelm. He shares what is real
15:30without ever putting it on her to manage
15:32or fix or take care of. Contrary to what
15:35men often think, research finds that
15:37women tend to see emotionally open men
15:39as more secure and trustworthy because
15:42it means that they have nothing to hide.
15:44Get that one more time. They look more
15:45attractive. Okay? They do not look
15:48weaker for being emotionally available.
15:50And this one matters even more than the
15:52rest of the list because it doesn't just
15:54create attraction, it makes attraction
15:57last. A study in Frontiers of Psychology
15:59asked people what would drive them to
16:01end a relationship. And for women, an
16:03emotionally inaccessible partner was a
16:05stronger deal breaker than a sexually
16:08inaccessible one. Most men worry about
16:10their performance in the bedroom. And
16:11sure, I a sex coach here to tell you on
16:14my sex themed YouTube channel that you
16:16should subscribe to that how you perform
16:17in the bedroom does matter. But it
16:20doesn't matter nearly as much as the
16:22quality of the emotion that you bring to
16:25the relationship and the emotional
16:27connection that you share. Not being
16:29able to do that or shutting down
16:30emotionally is the biggest threat to
16:32your relationship. I coached a man once
16:35who truly believed that being closed off
16:37made him seem stoic and strong and
16:39attractive. That that is what he needed
16:41to do to be the masculine pole of his
16:43relationship. But what was actually
16:45happening is his long-term relationship
16:46was slowly dying because of it. When he
16:50finally started letting his partner see
16:52him, not in big dramatic exposees, just
16:54like honest and authentic. She told him
16:56that it was the first time in years that
16:58she had felt close to him. And by the
17:00way, humble brag about myself, their sex
17:02life exploded. Okay? And they are still
17:05together because of that openness and
17:08that vulnerability that he was finally
17:10courageous enough to share. So, how do
17:12you build this behavior? We'll start by
17:14paying attention to your inner world.
17:16Take time out of your day to reflect
17:18about your life and how things impact
17:20you. If it feels good, journal, jot some
17:22things down. If you don't know how
17:23you're feeling, she cannot know either.
17:26Unless, of course, you're letting her
17:27know in outbursts, which is very, very
17:29unattractive. Then, the next time that
17:31she asks you how you are, give her a
17:34real answer. Instead of saying fine,
17:35tell her something that she didn't
17:37already know. Let's rewind to where we
17:39started. Most men think that attraction
17:41is something that you're born with. It
17:42has to do with your looks or your height
17:44or your jawline. It's a genetic lottery
17:46that you either won or didn't. I hope
17:48that now you can see the truth because
17:50every single behavior on this list is
17:53completely learnable. But if I'm being
17:54honest, there is one that men cannot
17:56build alone. And that is number four,
17:58owning your desire because it is the one
18:00with the most fear attached. And in a
18:02long-term relationship, it is usually
18:03the one that disappears first. And that
18:05is exactly why I built Wanted Again, the
18:07seduction reset. Whether you're building
18:10attraction with your partner or getting
18:11back out there, it is a stepbystep
18:14system for expressing desire without
18:16pressure and for understanding how
18:18female desire actually works so that you
18:20can create the conditions for hers to
18:22return. It also comes with a 90day money
18:25back guarantee so you can check it out
18:27and make sure that you like it before
18:28you commit. And I am offering a very
18:31limited time discount code exclusively
18:34for you, my YouTube audience, to thank
18:37you so much for being here. So, I hope
18:40that you will check out my course. The
18:41link is in the description below. Thank
18:44you so much for tuning in. Oh, and while
18:45you're down there, leave a comment.
18:46Which one of these have you been getting
18:48wrong, and which one are you committed
18:50to building in yourself? I'm Caitlyn V.
18:52Thank you for watching. I will see you
18:53here next week. Bye.

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