At My Parents' Anniversary Mom Humiliated My Failed IVF Publicly — Cole Had 17 Voicemails Saved — Transcript

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1. 0:00My name is Linda Sucker and I'm 33 years
2. 0:02old. My parents' 40th anniversary party
3. 0:05was supposed to be a celebration, but I
4. 0:07should have known better than to expect
5. 0:09one peaceful evening with my mother in
6. 0:11the room. The country club ballroom was
7. 0:13decorated exactly how my mother liked
8. 0:15things. Too much, too polished, too
9. 0:18perfect. White roses on every table, a
10. 0:21string quartet in the corner, and nearly
11. 0:2480 guests dressed like they were
12. 0:25attending a royal wedding instead of my
13. 0:27parents' anniversary dinner. My husband
14. 0:30Cole stood beside me in his charcoal
15. 0:31suit, his hand resting on the small of
16. 0:34my back the way it always did when he
17. 0:35sensed I was tense. He knew. He always
18. 0:39knew. We had been trying for a baby for
19. 0:41almost 3 years. Two rounds of IVF, both
20. 0:44failed. The second one had ended only 6
21. 0:47weeks earlier and I still hadn't told
22. 0:49most of my family the details, only that
23. 0:52it didn't work out this time. I wasn't
24. 0:54ready to talk about it. Grief like that
25. 0:57doesn't fit into small talk at a party.
26. 0:59But my mother has never respected doors
27. 1:01that are closed. Dinner had just been
28. 1:03served when she stood up with her
29. 1:05champagne glass in hand, tapping it
30. 1:07gently to get everyone's attention. She
31. 1:10loved toasts. She loved being the center
32. 1:12of every room. I assumed she'd talk
33. 1:15about my father, about their 40 years
34. 1:17together, maybe some story about how
35. 1:19they met. Instead, she looked directly
36. 1:22at me. "I just have to say," she began,
37. 1:24her voice carrying over the quiet
38. 1:26ballroom, "some of you know, my daughter
39. 1:28Linda has been struggling to have
40. 1:29children. Two IVF attempts now, both
41. 1:33unsuccessful." She said it with a small
42. 1:35pitying laugh, like she was sharing a
43. 1:38funny anecdote about the weather. "I
44. 1:40keep telling her maybe it's just not
45. 1:42meant to be. Not everyone is built for
46. 1:45motherhood." The room went silent in
47. 1:47that specific way rooms go silent when
48. 1:49everyone realizes something terrible
49. 1:51just happened and no one knows where to
50. 1:53look. I felt my face burn, felt 80 pairs
51. 1:56of eyes shift toward me, felt my own
52. 1:59mother turn the most painful chapter of
53. 2:01my life into party entertainment. I
54. 2:03wanted to disappear.
55. 2:05I wanted to stand up and walk out of
56. 2:07that ballroom and never come back. My
57. 2:09hands were shaking under the table, and
58. 2:11I stared down at my plate because I
59. 2:13couldn't bear to look at anyone. Then
60. 2:15Cole stood up. He didn't raise his
61. 2:17voice.
62. 2:18He didn't even look angry, not in the
63. 2:20way you'd expect. He just set his napkin
64. 2:23down slowly, buttoned his jacket, and
65. 2:26turned to face my mother with a calmness
66. 2:28that somehow felt more devastating than
67. 2:29shouting ever could. "Diane," he said,
68. 2:32using her first name, which he almost
69. 2:34never did, "I have 17 voicemails saved
70. 2:36on my phone from the last 3 years. Every
71. 2:39single one is Linda crying after a
72. 2:41failed appointment, a failed transfer, a
73. 2:43failed test result. 17 times I've had to
74. 2:46hold her together while she fell apart.
75. 2:49So, before you say another word about
76. 2:50what she's built for, I think everyone
77. 2:53here should understand what she's
78. 2:54actually been carrying." You could have
79. 2:56heard a pin drop in that ballroom.
80. 2:59My mother's smile, the same proud,
81. 3:01satisfied smile she'd worn since she
82. 3:03stood up with her champagne glass, began
83. 3:06to falter. Her eyes darted around the
84. 3:08room, suddenly aware that every guest,
85. 3:11including my father, including her own
86. 3:13sister, was staring at her instead of
87. 3:15me. "Cole, I didn't mean she started,
88. 3:18but he wasn't finished. You didn't mean
89. 3:20to humiliate your daughter at what
90. 3:22should have been a night about love?"
91. 3:24His voice was still even, still
92. 3:26controlled, but there was something
93. 3:28underneath it now, something sharp.
94. 3:31"Because that's exactly what you just
95. 3:32did." I sat frozen, tears burning behind
96. 3:36my eyes, watching my husband defend me
97. 3:38in front of the very people who were
98. 3:40supposed to protect me first. My father
99. 3:42hadn't said a word. He looked down at
100. 3:44the tablecloth like he wished he could
101. 3:46fold himself into it. My aunt had
102. 3:48covered her mouth with her hand. Even
103. 3:51the wait staff near the kitchen door had
104. 3:52stopped moving. My mother opened her
105. 3:55mouth again, maybe to apologize, maybe
106. 3:58to defend herself. I couldn't tell. But
107. 4:01before she could get another word out,
108. 4:03Cole reached into his jacket pocket and
109. 4:05pulled out his phone. "Would you like to
110. 4:07hear one?" he asked her quietly.
111. 4:09"Because I think everyone in this room
112. 4:11should understand exactly what not meant
113. 4:13to be actually sounds like." His thumb
114. 4:15hovered over the screen. And that was
115. 4:18the moment I realized my mother had just
116. 4:20made a mistake she was not going to be
117. 4:21able to walk back from. The ballroom
118. 4:24held its breath. Cole's thumb still
119. 4:26hovered over his phone screen, and for a
120. 4:28moment I thought he was actually going
121. 4:30to play the recording right there in
122. 4:32front of everyone. Part of me wanted him
123. 4:34to. Part of me wanted my mother to hear,
124. 4:38in my own broken voice, exactly what she
125. 4:40had reduced to a punchline. But, Cole
126. 4:43didn't play it. Instead, he lowered the
127. 4:45phone and looked at my mother with
128. 4:47something that wasn't quite anger
129. 4:48anymore. It was disappointment. The kind
130. 4:51that cuts deeper than rage ever could.
131. 4:53"I'm not going to embarrass you the way
132. 4:55you just embarrassed her," he said.
133. 4:57"Because, unlike you, I actually care
134. 5:00about this family staying intact
135. 5:01tonight." My mother's face had gone pale
136. 5:04under her makeup. She set her champagne
137. 5:06glass down on the table, her hand
138. 5:08trembling slightly. And for the first
139. 5:11time in my entire life, I watched Diane
140. 5:13Zucker have absolutely nothing to say.
141. 5:15My father finally spoke, his voice low
142. 5:18and unsteady. "Diane, sit down." It
143. 5:21wasn't a request. In 40 years of
144. 5:24marriage, I had rarely heard him use
145. 5:26that tone with her. She sat slowly, her
146. 5:29eyes still fixed somewhere near the
147. 5:30center of the table, unable to meet
148. 5:32mine. I stood up then. My legs felt
149. 5:35unsteady, but I needed to say something.
150. 5:38Not to defend myself, but because I
151. 5:41finally understood that silence was
152. 5:42exactly what had let this happen for
153. 5:44years. My mother had always had opinions
154. 5:47about my body, my choices, my timeline.
155. 5:50She'd made comments at Thanksgiving, at
156. 5:52Christmas, at my birthday last year. I
157. 5:55had absorbed all of it quietly because I
158. 5:57thought that was what a good daughter
159. 5:58did. Tonight, I stopped. "You don't get
160. 6:01to decide what I'm built for," I said,
161. 6:04my voice shaking but clear enough for
162. 6:05the room to hear. You don't get to turn
163. 6:07my miscarriages into a toast. Every one
164. 6:10of those failed transfers took something
165. 6:12from me that I don't think I'll ever
166. 6:13fully get back, and you stood up in
167. 6:15front of 80 people and made it a joke.
168. 6:18My mother's lip trembled. Linda, I only
169. 6:21meant I know what you meant, I cut her
170. 6:24off. You meant to make yourself the
171. 6:26center of attention, the way you always
172. 6:27do. Even at your own anniversary party,
173. 6:30this had to be about you. My aunt Carol,
174. 6:33my mother's own sister, quietly stood
175. 6:35and walked over, placing a hand on my
176. 6:38shoulder. She's right, Diane, to Carol
177. 6:40said softly. You've done this before.
178. 6:43Tonight, you just did it in front of
179. 6:44everyone. The tension in the room was
180. 6:46suffocating, but underneath it,
181. 6:49something in me felt lighter than it had
182. 6:51in months. For years, I had swallowed
183. 6:54comments like these, telling myself it
184. 6:56wasn't worth the fight, that family
185. 6:58gatherings weren't the place for
186. 7:00confrontation. But watching Cole stand
187. 7:02up for me, watching him hold 17 months
188. 7:05of my grief in his phone like proof that
189. 7:07my pain was real and witnessed,
190. 7:09something shifted. I realized I didn't
191. 7:12have to earn my own defense. I didn't
192. 7:14have to justify my body, my losses, my
193. 7:17choices to anyone, especially not to the
194. 7:19woman who gave birth to me. My father
195. 7:22cleared his throat and stood, raising
196. 7:24his own glass with a shaking hand. I
197. 7:27think, he said quietly, we should toast
198. 7:29to Linda and Cole instead. To the people
199. 7:31in this family who actually show up for
200. 7:33each other. A few guests raised their
201. 7:36glasses hesitantly. Others simply looked
202. 7:38down, unsure whether it was appropriate
203. 7:41to celebrate after what had just
204. 7:42happened. My mother didn't raise her
205. 7:44glass at all. She sat frozen, staring at
206. 7:48the tablecloth. The woman who 30 seconds
207. 7:50earlier had commanded the entire room
208. 7:52now unable to look up. Cole reached for
209. 7:54my hand under the table and squeezed it.
210. 7:57You okay? He whispered.
211. 7:59I wasn't, not completely. But I nodded
212. 8:02anyway, because for the first time in a
213. 8:03long time, I felt like someone had
214. 8:06finally seen exactly what I'd been
215. 8:07carrying and hadn't asked me to carry it
216. 8:09quietly. The rest of the dinner passed
217. 8:12in an uncomfortable blur, muted
218. 8:14conversation, forced smiles, the kind of
219. 8:17tension that lingers in a room long
220. 8:19after the actual moment has passed. My
221. 8:21mother didn't speak to me again that
222. 8:23night.
223. 8:24She didn't apologize either, not that
224. 8:26evening, and honestly, I wasn't sure she
225. 8:28ever fully would. But something had
226. 8:30changed. For years, I had let her words
227. 8:33define how I saw myself, my body, my
228. 8:36worth. Tonight, in front of everyone she
229. 8:38tried to impress, I had finally stopped.
230. 8:42As we drove home that night, Cole
231. 8:44reached over and took my hand at a red
232. 8:46light.
233. 8:46"For what it's worth," he said, "I think
234. 8:49you're exactly what you're built for.
235. 8:51Everything about you." I looked out the
236. 8:53window, feeling the weight of the
237. 8:55evening finally settle into something
238. 8:57quieter, something almost like peace. If
239. 9:00this story moved you, if you've ever had
240. 9:02to defend yourself in a room that should
241. 9:03have already been on your side, do me a
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