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Anxious Avoidant Couples Need to Watch This! — Transcript

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0:00What destroys the anxious avoidant
0:01couple isn't a lack of love. I'm sure
0:03they would both say that they love each
0:04other. What destroys them is that they
0:07are stuck in a destructive cycle and
0:08they don't know how to get out. You have
0:10one partner who finds safety in
0:12closeness, right? The other finds safety
0:14in distance. So, one reaches out, the
0:17other pulls away. One escalates to try
0:19to get their needs met, try to get some
0:21reassurance in the relationship, and the
0:23other shuts down because they feel
0:24pressured or overwhelmed. Each partner's
0:27coping strategy for safety and security
0:29triggers the other's deepest fear. So,
0:32they just stay stuck and no one feels
0:34safe. So, let's fix it. But in order to
0:36do that, we have to have a refresher.
0:38What is the anxious person most afraid
0:40of in the relationship? Abandonment.
0:42They're afraid of losing connection in
0:44the relationship, right? And what's the
0:45avoidant person most afraid of? Being
0:48rejected, controlled, or losing their
0:50independence. So when the anxious person
0:52senses any distance or disconnection,
0:54when they feel like there's a threat to
0:55their bond being damaged in some way,
0:57real or perceived, they pursue. They
0:59engage. They try to close the gap
1:01because they hate uncertainty. They want
1:03some reassurance that things are still
1:05good and the closeness they have with
1:06their partner is still intact. But when
1:08they engage, depending on a whole bunch
1:10of factors that we're going to get into
1:11in just a little bit, when they come at
1:13them with anxious or aggressive energy,
1:15it comes across as needy or blaming or
1:17smothering, causing the avoidant partner
1:20to want to withdraw, which triggers the
1:22anxious partner's abandonment wounds
1:24even more. Doesn't that sound fun? Well,
1:26it's not. So, both of you, if you want
1:28this relationship to work, you have to
1:30stop triggering each other. I know that
1:32underneath the surface, you're both just
1:34trying to stay safe, but you're doing it
1:36in opposite ways. The problem is those
1:39opposite ways are breaking trust in the
1:42relationship. So, we have to rebuild it.
1:43In almost every one of these
1:45relationships, there are hidden fears
1:46that need to be exposed. I would be
1:48willing to bet that at least one partner
1:50here doesn't feel safe to be vulnerable.
1:52Right? That has to change. Ask your
1:54partner, "Do you feel safe to be honest
1:56with me? Do you feel safe to show me who
1:58you truly are? Flaws and all. Do you
2:00feel safe to bring up a hurt or a
2:01concern? Do you feel like you have to
2:03protect yourself from my reaction in
2:06some way?" Because every single one of
2:07those answers gives us clues to whether
2:09or not both partners actually trust one
2:11another. Because trust is vital if we
2:13want our relationship to survive. We
2:15have to feel like our partner has our
2:16back. All of our interactions, all of
2:18our habits together, our conversations,
2:20and especially our conflicts are either
2:22building trust and connection or they're
2:25breaking it. Avoidant people,
2:26hyperindependent partners, you have to
2:28want this relationship to change. You
2:30can't just have this belief that things
2:32were fine for you and you're just here
2:34to appease them. That's not going to
2:36work. If they aren't happy in this
2:38relationship, then the relationship
2:39isn't sustainable. Doesn't matter if
2:41it's working for you. I'm not saying
2:43you're responsible for their happiness.
2:45I'm saying that you have a choice. You
2:47can work on this relationship being
2:48mutually fulfilling for both of you, or
2:51you can choose to leave. There's no
2:53other option. You both need to ask
2:54yourself, how can we create an
2:56environment where this relationship
2:57works for both of us? Don't tell me you
2:59want a great relationship, but you have
3:00no interest or capacity for your partner
3:03to actually be honest about something
3:05that's on their heart. And make no
3:07mistake, being honest and vulnerable
3:09does not give anyone a license to be
3:10rude or disrespectful. But without
3:12honesty or vulnerability, trust and
3:14intimacy erode until there's nothing
3:17left. Now, we know in most
3:18relationships, one partner brings up the
3:20vast majority of concerns, complaints,
3:22and feelings. right to that person. I'm
3:24telling you, doctors John and Julie
3:26Gottman, the experts of relationship
3:28advice, say you need to have a 20 to1
3:30ratio of positive to negative
3:32interactions, or else your relationship
3:34is in trouble. 20 to1 positive
3:37interactions, appreciations,
3:38compliments, praise, admiration, hugs,
3:40affection, consideration,
3:42thoughtfulness, all that stuff. 20 to1
3:43is the goal. That doesn't mean never
3:45have a complaint. It doesn't mean
3:46suppress your feelings. I would never
3:48advocate for you doing that. But I also
3:50understand that you can't switch that
3:52ratio and have 20 negative interactions
3:54and only one positive and think this
3:57relationship is going anywhere healthy.
3:59Anxious partners, here's what I know
4:01about you. If you're anything like me,
4:03you're thinking, "Why are you picking on
4:04me, right? I mean, I'd be a lot more
4:06appreciative if there was anything to
4:08appreciate, right? I ask for the bare
4:10minimum and get told that I'm being too
4:12needy. I put the bar on the floor and
4:14they still blame me for tripping over
4:15it." And here's the deal. I get it,
4:17right? I was you. Here's the question
4:19that I needed to ask myself. If things
4:21are so bad, then why am I still here?
4:24Right? If things are so bad, why am I
4:27still here? I know the answer. It's
4:29because deep down you truly believe that
4:32there's hope that things could change.
4:34And I don't know where you're at in this
4:35cycle. You might be pretty angry. You
4:37might be pretty hurt, maybe even
4:38resentful and bitter. And let me tell
4:40you, I've been there. All I'm saying is
4:42if you want this relationship to
4:44survive, we have to have a goal of
4:47working together on this. I'm going to
4:48work with them on filling your love tank
4:50more. I'm going to work with them on not
4:52being so distant and detached from their
4:54emotions. I need you to work on
4:56processing that anger and frustration
4:58and resentment in a healthy way. Right?
5:00We can't hold on to these grudges and
5:02bitterness with no plan for forgiveness
5:05and expect it to work out. We need to
5:07take accountability for the fact that
5:08our selflessness has led to
5:10self-righteousness. And we don't think
5:11we need to change anything in this
5:13relationship. And that's part of the
5:15problem in this dynamic. Now, to the
5:17more distant partner, if you want this
5:19relationship to heal, you have to learn
5:20how to hold space for the pain you've
5:22unintentionally caused them. It's
5:24non-negotiable. They're going to learn
5:26how to express their pain vulnerably and
5:28with discernment. You're going to learn
5:29how to validate it, right? how to get
5:31curious about it and start asking the
5:33right questions and listening instead of
5:35defending yourself and taking it as an
5:37attack. This is the first step towards
5:39healing. This is the new cycle that
5:41we're going to work towards creating
5:42safety and building trust in your
5:44relationship again. Because you can have
5:45difficult conversations and trust that
5:47your partner has your back. Right now,
5:49neither of you believe that about each
5:50other, do you? You don't trust that they
5:53won't use your vulnerabilities against
5:54you somehow. You don't trust that
5:56they're going to give you the benefit of
5:57the doubt. You don't trust that they
5:59care about your pain. That has to change
6:01because I'm not here to play the blame
6:03game, right? I'm not interested in
6:04taking sides. I'm on the side of your
6:06relationship thriving. So, I'm simply
6:08here to tell you what's required for
6:10that to happen. Whether you both decide
6:12to put in that work is up to you, but it
6:14will take both of you to save this.
6:16There's frustration and hurt on both
6:18sides. The avoidant partner is simply
6:19better at compartmentalizing and
6:20suppressing, but they are hurt as well.
6:23They often feel blamed and attacked and
6:25criticized and demonized. They feel like
6:27they will always be labeled as the
6:29failure no matter what they do. So,
6:31let's show each other that that's not
6:33true. Let's both learn how to be a safe
6:35place to understand and validate each
6:37other's perspective and pain. So, how
6:40are we going to do that? Well, we break
6:41this cycle by doing three things. The
6:42first thing, we have to bring the
6:44unconscious to the conscious. Because if
6:46you're anything like my wife and I, you
6:48get caught up in the conflict dance
6:50before you even know that you're on the
6:51floor, right? We need to understand our
6:54cycle so well that we can go from
6:56reacting to reflecting. Because once you
6:58reflect, you will see that your behavior
7:00makes sense given your past. There's a
7:02reason you're so scared of commitment.
7:04There's a reason that you called or
7:05texted them over and over in a panic.
7:07There's a reason you felt smothered when
7:09someone started expecting things from
7:11you in a relationship. There's a reason
7:13that you're terrified to be vulnerable.
7:15Our first job is to understand why. At
7:18the root of this is usually some fear
7:19and shame, right? We're not sure if pain
7:21is right around the corner from love.
7:23We're not sure if we deserve to be
7:25treated with kindness and respect. We're
7:27not sure what healthy actually looks
7:29like because healthy and consistent love
7:31wasn't modeled for you, was it? Deep
7:33down, anxious and avoidant partners
7:35struggle with the same fear, rejection.
7:38Both partners are subconsciously asking
7:40themselves, "What can I do to prevent
7:41rejection?" On one side, I can people
7:44please. If I place other people's
7:46feelings and needs above my own, if I
7:47walk on eggshells, if I settle for
7:49breadcrumbs, if I stay silent to keep
7:51the peace, if I don't set any
7:52boundaries, and I just try to get them
7:54to like me, maybe I can avoid rejection.
7:56And that might work for a time, but it
7:58always comes back to haunt you because
8:00you try to make it work with emotionally
8:02unavailable people, don't you? You
8:04believe them when they call you too
8:06needy. You abandon yourself so you won't
8:08be abandoned. And I can tell you exactly
8:10where that leads. Loneliness and
8:13resentment. And on the other side, maybe
8:15if I reject them before they reject me,
8:17maybe if I numb my feelings and
8:18emotions, maybe if I just distract
8:20myself, maybe if I'm hyperindependent
8:22and I don't rely on anyone else for
8:24anything, maybe if I don't allow myself
8:25to get too close with someone, I can
8:28prevent myself from being hurt. And
8:30that'll work for a time, but the problem
8:32is you keep finding yourself in
8:33relationships with people who complain
8:35you don't give enough. You're not
8:36thoughtful. You're not considerate.
8:37You're not emotionally present. You're
8:39so filled with shame that you don't even
8:41really want to try something new because
8:43you're scared of failing, right? And
8:46it's not that you don't care because I
8:47know that you do. But the truth is, you
8:50don't really feel safe outside of all
8:51those walls that you've built up for
8:53yourself, do you? I mean, let's just ask
8:55ourselves, who have you been able to
8:56rely on besides yourself?
8:59No one. Are you starting to see the
9:01dynamic here? One side is other focused.
9:03Anxious people get our safety
9:05externally, right? Avoidant people get
9:06it internally. It's not about which one
9:08is worse. They're both misguided
9:10attempts to stay safe, and they will
9:12both ultimately sabotage your
9:14relationships. They both stem from
9:16childhood pain. You most likely didn't
9:17feel safe to be yourself. You felt like
9:19you needed to wear a mask to be accepted
9:21or loved. You felt like you needed to
9:23pay close attention to other people's
9:24moods, right? That's why you were the
9:26first one to pick up on the energy
9:27shifts in the room. And make no mistake,
9:29our childhood doesn't excuse any toxic
9:31behavior. This certainly isn't about
9:33blaming our parents. It's simply about
9:35acknowledging and understanding that
9:36your childhood was a classroom and you
9:39learned all kinds of things whether you
9:40knew it or not. You learned whether you
9:42could actually trust people, whether
9:44your feelings should be suppressed or
9:46expressed. You learned that maybe it's
9:48just better if I don't rely on anybody
9:49else because whenever I try to, I get
9:52let down, so I'll just do this life
9:54thing on my own. You learned it's only a
9:56matter of time before they let you down.
9:58You learned I have to yell to get my
10:00needs met. Or maybe for you, you stopped
10:01yelling years ago because you realized
10:03it was a waste of energy. No one was
10:05coming for you. So you retreat inward
10:07and that's partly why you shut down
10:09during conflict, leaving your partner
10:11feeling abandoned and alone in their
10:12pain, just like you were all those years
10:15ago. But we can change that. The first
10:17step is all about understanding each
10:19other. We can choose to understand how
10:21each other's fears and unique needs for
10:23safety impact our behaviors, right? And
10:26we can still hold each other accountable
10:27to hurtful actions. We can be willing to
10:30empathize with how each other's behavior
10:32makes sense. And that doesn't mean you
10:33should ever tolerate being continually
10:35hurt or mistreated. Right? And the
10:38interesting thing is sometimes our
10:39partners act like mirrors reflecting
10:41back the unhealed parts of ourselves
10:43that we'd rather avoid. The irritation,
10:46insecurity, defensiveness that we feel
10:48in response to them sometimes has less
10:50to do with what they did and more about
10:52the old patterns and wounds that were
10:54stirred up inside of us. And in that
10:56way, relationships become powerful
10:58teachers. Sometimes we need to point the
10:59finger back at us and say, "What is this
11:02reaction showing me about me? Where do I
11:05still need some healing?" When we
11:06approach relationships through that
11:08lens, we turn moments of pain into
11:10opportunities of growth and deeper
11:12connection. First in ourselves and then
11:14with other people and anxious partners,
11:16let me just give you this warning. We
11:17love to figure out why our partners act
11:19the way they do, right? We'll spend a
11:21lot of time and research learning about
11:22why. But at a certain point, I don't
11:24care why they neglect you. I care more
11:26about why you think it's your job to fix
11:28or heal or change them. I care more
11:30about why you stay in this relationship
11:32when you know it's not good for you. I
11:35don't care why they mistreat you. I
11:36don't care why they won't commit. I
11:38don't care if they meet certain criteria
11:40for a narcissist or maybe they're just a
11:41jerk. At a certain point, you have to
11:43say, "Who cares?" Stop asking why. Stop
11:46trying to do their healing work for
11:47them. Stop fantasizing about the partner
11:49they could be. Just be honest with the
11:51reality of the situation. If nothing
11:53changed, would I still feel satisfied in
11:56this relationship? Sometimes the hope of
11:59what could be keeps you stuck. And you
12:01need to be honest about where you are
12:03and face your fear of potentially
12:05leaving this relationship. And I know
12:07you never want them to feel abandoned
12:08because you know that pain. You never
12:10want to hurt them. And sometimes staying
12:13in this relationship is keeping you from
12:14the relationship that you would actually
12:16feel good in. Sometimes they aren't a
12:18bad person. They just aren't your
12:20person. And that's okay. If you
12:22vulnerably and respectfully
12:23communicating about something that
12:24bothered you causes this relationship to
12:26fall apart,
12:28then it was only held together by you
12:31silencing and abandoning yourself. And
12:33that's never a sustainable relationship.
12:35You want to interrupt this cycle. Choose
12:37to drop the mask and be vulnerable about
12:39your needs, wants, and desires. And if
12:41you don't know what those are because
12:42you spent your whole life putting other
12:44people's needs above yourself, this is
12:46your cue to find out. Show up as your
12:48authentic self. Sometimes that will push
12:50them away. That's a fear we need to face
12:52head on and remind ourselves, I can't be
12:54scared of unhealthy relationships
12:56ending. Is that hard? Absolutely.
12:58Doesn't make it any less necessary.
13:00However, hopefully you have a partner
13:02who's actually willing to put in the
13:04work with you, right? So, that brings us
13:05to number two. Once we understand our
13:07fears and shame, now we can own and take
13:10accountability for our steps in the
13:12dance. So, what is your go-to? Do you
13:14suppress and let things fester and then
13:16get bitter and snap? Do you lead off
13:18with immature passive aggressiveness? Do
13:20you sound really angry with your tone?
13:22Do you get defensive? Do you dismiss and
13:24invalidate their concerns because you
13:25feel blamed? Do you get overwhelmed and
13:28then shut down during conflicts? What
13:30are you willing to take accountability
13:32for? Because we need to see this for the
13:34cycle that it is, right? People
13:35pleasers, they won't bring things up
13:37when they're at a 3 out of 10 or a four
13:40out of 10 upset about something. They'll
13:41wait until they're a 9 or a 10. Why?
13:44Because they don't feel like their
13:45partner's going to listen. So, we both
13:47have a role to play here. people
13:49pleasers or anxious attachers, we got to
13:51start bringing things up when it's at a
13:52three out of 10 with vulnerable,
13:54respectful energy. And on the other
13:55side, you have to respect that your
13:57partner's bringing something up when
13:59it's only a 3 out of 10. They're not
14:01waiting till it's a 10 out of 10 because
14:02they know that's just going to start a
14:04fight. So, we both play a role in this
14:06dynamic. That's why I both want you to
14:08be taking accountability. That sounds
14:09like, I can see how I came at you a bit
14:11critical. I had been annoyed about this
14:13for a little while and then I snapped
14:15with some passive aggressiveness. But I
14:17can see how that led you to feeling
14:19attacked and blamed and you responded
14:21with some defensiveness. That makes
14:22sense. And now we switch to the other
14:24side. Thank you for owning that. I did
14:27get defensive. I need to own that as
14:29well. You probably snapped because you
14:31didn't feel safe initially to bring
14:33things up, so you just buried it. Yeah,
14:34but it was my responsibility to bring it
14:36up in a vulnerable way. I should have
14:38just been honest with you. Sure, but I
14:40haven't been a safe place for you to be
14:42honest in the past. So, I would dismiss
14:45and invalidate your feelings, and that's
14:46something I need to own. If you truly
14:48want to heal and fix the anxious
14:50avoidant relationship, if you're
14:51committed to making it work, then this
14:53is the work that you need to do.
14:55Recognizing the steps to your fights,
14:56analyzing them. No more I don't knows
14:58from my avoidant partners out there.
15:00It's not enough for you to say, "I don't
15:02know." It's fine if you start at I don't
15:04know, but we need to finish at but I'm
15:06going to find out. Here's what I know
15:07about both of you. There's a lot going
15:09on under the surface that goes unseen
15:11until there's a conflict, right? Until
15:13there's a miscommunication and then all
15:15those fears get triggered. All those
15:16insecurities or shame come to the
15:18surface. It's our job to start spotting
15:21them. Maybe your partner came home from
15:22work and they were a little short with
15:24you and they said, "Did you feed the
15:25dog?" And immediately you're irritated,
15:27right? Immediately you're annoyed. Why?
15:29Because you heard them say, "Why are you
15:30so lazy? Why can't I rely on you for
15:33anything? You're so irresponsible." So
15:34you responded defensively. "No, I just
15:37got home. gez or you shut down a little
15:39bit or you get angry. You could have 10
15:41different reactions to the same
15:42miscommunication, but really they were
15:45just asking, "Have you fed the dog yet?"
15:47Because I will if you haven't. And they
15:49were short because of something else
15:50that they were upset about at work. It
15:52had nothing to do with you. And that's
15:53the crux of the problem on both sides.
15:55You hear things that weren't said. You
15:58interpret through your own lens and
16:00filter of potential shame and
16:03insecurity, right? And healing and
16:05maturity. looks like us slowing down in
16:08those moments and just thinking what did
16:11I hear them say or why am I getting
16:14defensive right now? We have to slow
16:16down in those moments and really ask
16:17ourselves what's happening here. Every
16:19time you feel the urge to get defensive,
16:21every time you lead with criticism
16:22instead of vulnerability, every time you
16:24start to shut down, I need you both to
16:26get curious. What's really happening
16:28here? What did you hear me say? Or I'm
16:31feeling defensive right now. I I'm sure
16:33it wasn't your intent to attack me, but
16:35that's kind of how I feel. That's what
16:37being vulnerable actually sounds like.
16:39Taking a risk, admitting that it's okay
16:41to be bothered by something. We can say,
16:44"Ouch, probably wasn't your intent to be
16:46hurtful, but I kind of feel attacked
16:48here." And they should respond with, "Oh
16:49no, what happened? I didn't mean to come
16:52off that way. Let's talk about it."
16:53Instead of, "Geez, that's not what I
16:55meant." Do you hear the difference?
16:56We're not playing the blame game. We're
16:58we're being considerate. We're deferring
17:00to the other person, right? We're giving
17:01them the benefit of the doubt. We're
17:03willing to admit that we might have made
17:04a mistake or missed something. We're
17:06owning our side of the street and moving
17:08in their direction. This is the new
17:10barometer for healing. These are the new
17:12skills that you have to practice. When
17:14you understand your steps in the dance
17:15and you understand your partners as
17:17well, we get to the place where if
17:19someone is short or critical, we can go,
17:22"Hey, what happened?" Because usually
17:24when you get short, it means there's
17:26some pain under there. There's some
17:27hurt. I want you to know that I want to
17:30be a safe place where you can be
17:31vulnerable and share that. So, what's
17:32really going on? And on the other side,
17:34when you're in a conflict and they get
17:36more and more silent or they start to
17:37shut down, you can say, "Hey, your
17:39energy shifted a little bit there. Are
17:41you feeling blamed or attacked? Cuz
17:42that's usually what happens in these
17:44moments. Do you feel like I don't value
17:46perspective and that's why you stop
17:47talking? Cuz I don't want you to feel
17:49that way." This isn't about doing
17:50someone else's work for them. This is
17:52simply about consideration and
17:54thoughtfulness. We still have a
17:55responsibility to say, "Oh, yeah. I'm
17:57doing that thing again. Let me think
17:58about what actually happened. But if you
18:00forget everything else from this video,
18:02remember to say, "What's the best way
18:04for me to remind you that we're on the
18:06same team when you're upset?" And then
18:08do that. Anxious partners, we need to
18:10work on taking accountability for our
18:12own feelings instead of blaming our
18:13partners. Because it's a lot easier to
18:15say, "You never take me out anymore. I
18:17don't know why you pretend to care about
18:18me at all." Than to say, I'm feeling
18:21scared that you don't value this
18:23relationship as much as I do. And the
18:25story I'm telling myself is that you
18:27might not be happy, which means I might
18:30lose you. They're both actually
18:31expressing the same concept, right? I'm
18:34scared of losing you. One is vulnerable
18:37and respectful. The other is shaming and
18:39blaming. Which one do you think has the
18:41potential to be received? Well, avoidant
18:43partners, you need to realize the harsh
18:45truth that for some of you, even if your
18:47partner expressed their feelings and
18:48hurts perfectly, you would still get
18:51defensive. you would still shut down
18:53because you don't have the capacity to
18:54hold space for someone else's big
18:56feelings because nobody held space for
18:58yours. So, you never learned that skill.
19:01It's time to learn it. You need to take
19:03accountability for the fact that you
19:04haven't been a safe space for them. You
19:06need to fully understand how hurtful
19:08that's been for them, which I know is
19:10really hard for you to do because you
19:12never wanted to hurt anybody, right?
19:14That's why you stayed isolated so you
19:16don't get hurt or hurt anyone. But you
19:18need to empathize with how difficult
19:19it's been for them, how scary it's been
19:21for them when you shut down, right? That
19:23leaves them feeling alone and abandoned.
19:25Remind them, I'm committed to learning
19:27how to do this stuff. I want you to be
19:29honest and vulnerable with me. I want to
19:31be a safe place for you. You have to
19:33stop hearing things through the lens of
19:35your own shame. So, no more, "Oh, I
19:37guess I'm just the worst partner ever.
19:39You should just break up with me." No,
19:40that's not going to work because it
19:42turns everything back to you, right?
19:44Maybe they came looking for some care or
19:46comfort from you in some way and now
19:48you've turned it back and now you're
19:50telling them they need to comfort you.
19:52Oh, I'm just the worst. That doesn't
19:54ever lead to any connection or intimacy.
19:56The truth is so many of you have been
19:58through some trauma in your life and you
19:59have this deep belief that you're not
20:01good enough or you're not worthy of love
20:03and kindness and you are or that they're
20:06just going to leave you right when they
20:07get to know the real you. But that's not
20:09true. They want nothing more than to get
20:11to know the real you. And listen, love
20:13is a risk. There's no doubt. But don't
20:15half play the game. You got to be allin.
20:17That doesn't mean losing your
20:18independence. It simply means learning
20:20about what healthy emotional connection
20:22looks like because you can't ever
20:24experience that by just keeping your
20:26walls up. And you're right, that does
20:27leave you vulnerable to being hurt.
20:29Welcome to love. It's a risk. Most of
20:31the time we get hurt, but it's worth the
20:34risk. You can still have standards. You
20:36can still be independent, but you can't
20:38deprive someone of connection and trust
20:39and intimacy and call that love because
20:42it's not. It's still just fear. And one
20:44day, I hope you find someone who doesn't
20:47punish you for being vulnerable like
20:49other people have in your life. I hope
20:50you find consistent love. And I hope you
20:52feel safe enough to lean in and use it
20:55to give even more of yourself without a
20:57fear that it's going to end. All right,
21:00that brings us to number three. Once we
21:02understand how our hidden fears and
21:03shame and doubts and insecurities have
21:05been running the show, once we see both
21:07of our steps in the dance, we can go,
21:10"Oh, okay. So, when I do this, you
21:12secretly felt that and that's why you
21:13responded this way. I can totally see
21:15that now." Once we understand all that,
21:18we need to commit to doing something new
21:20in the future. So, we need to agree to a
21:22new standard, a new vision together, and
21:24we need to validate the pain that we've
21:26unintentionally caused them in the past,
21:27right? because we think it's simply
21:29enough to just understand them and do
21:31something different. And that's an
21:32amazing start. It's going to massively
21:33improve your relationship, but it's also
21:36true that it doesn't really heal the
21:38pain that we've unintentionally caused
21:39in the past like we talked about before.
21:41So, your first assignment invalidation
21:43and empathy is asking them, talk to me
21:46about how my reactions in the past have
21:49hurt you. And then our job is to stay
21:51silent, right? But don't stay so silent
21:54that you're just staring at them. I
21:55mean, if they wanted a nonverbal, you
21:58know, expression, they could have just
21:59journaled about their pain. So, they
22:00really want you to be present with them.
22:02They want you to stay emotionally
22:04engaged. So, the way we do that is by
22:06making appropriate eye contact, by
22:07mirroring their facial emotions. If
22:09someone says that something really hurt
22:11them, we make a face like, "Ooh, yeah, I
22:14can totally understand that." We mirror
22:15them. And this isn't about going through
22:16the motions or trying to trick them.
22:18This is about learning how to empathize.
22:20We can't empathize unless we understand
22:21their pain. And we can't understand
22:23unless we ask certain questions, right?
22:25So ask and listen and nod and hold their
22:27hand and rub their back and tell them,
22:29"Thank you for telling me this. I know
22:31this isn't easy for you." Say things
22:32like, "I can see now how you would feel
22:35that way. That makes sense. What could I
22:37do differently next time that would help
22:39you feel more safe and valued in those
22:41moments?" The goal during these
22:42discussions is to stay vulnerable and
22:44respectful. It's normal to get upset and
22:46frustrated when you're talking about how
22:47they've hurt you in the past. It's
22:49natural to start to feel that pentup
22:50resentment start to come to the surface
22:52because it's been suppressed for so
22:54long, right? But we have to do our best
22:56to stay regulated. Regulated doesn't
22:58mean we're not allowed to feel upset.
22:59Regulated doesn't mean we're not allowed
23:01to feel anger or frustration. Regulated
23:03means we're not letting the fear center
23:05of our brain take over. We're staying
23:07present, right? We're staying
23:09vulnerable. We're staying curious and
23:11open to collaborate as a team. Okay. So,
23:13how do you know if you're disregulated?
23:15Well, our heart rate goes up. We're
23:16talking over each other. We're
23:18escalating the discussion. We feel
23:19unheard. We feel blamed. We feel
23:21flushed. Our temperature is rising. The
23:23moment any of that happens, one or both
23:25of you needs to have the clarity to say,
23:27"Hey, I think we both need a breather."
23:28But notice the wording. It's not you
23:30need to calm down because you can't even
23:32have a conflict and stay, you know,
23:34calm. No, no, no. That's not a team
23:36mentality because remember, we're
23:38putting in the work to understand each
23:39other. We know that our partner
23:41struggles with feeling blamed or
23:42attacked during a conflict. So, we're
23:44careful with our words. We're soft with
23:46our approach, right? We stay vulnerable.
23:48We talk about what happened. We own our
23:50own feelings. We tell them what we would
23:52have loved to happen in the future. We
23:54don't just throw the kitchen sink at
23:56them. And on the other side, we know how
23:58hard it is for our partner to be
23:59vulnerable like that. So, we honor it.
24:01We reward that honesty. Just as they
24:03were careful and considerate with the
24:05words that they chose, we're careful and
24:06considerate with how our reactions and
24:08how we're present and emotionally
24:10engaged. So, we listen. We give them the
24:12floor. We summarize their perspective.
24:13We seek to understand their feelings
24:15because we love them. These aren't
24:17skills that come naturally to you.
24:19They're skills that we have to practice.
24:21I have to practice them still. And
24:22honestly, it's usually easier for
24:24anxious people to share. They have more
24:26to talk about. Most of the time, they're
24:27external processors. So, if it's safe
24:29for them to share, they'll share. But
24:31avoidant partners, you're going to
24:33really struggle with this. The trick is
24:35we're having these types of
24:36conversations when we're calm. We're
24:37talking about how to navigate conflicts
24:39before we're in one, right? We've
24:40already preddecided that we're on the
24:42same team. So when our partner who we
24:44love says, "I think we could both use a
24:46breather," we trust that they picked up
24:49on something and we honor that and we
24:51deescalate and get back on track.
24:53Because the truth is, sometimes our
24:54nervous system is so sensitive that
24:56we're in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn
24:57before we even realize it, right? That's
25:00why we have to be on each other's team.
25:02Teammates don't belittle one another.
25:04They don't shame. They don't talk down
25:06to one another. They don't yell or call
25:08each other names. Great teammates are
25:10clear about expectations and needs and
25:12feelings. Great teammates know how to
25:14communicate. You can be direct and still
25:16respectful. Great teammates have a
25:18common goal. In your case, it's the
25:20relationship. I want you both to ask
25:22yourself, does this serve the
25:24relationship? Fighting doesn't serve the
25:26relationship if there's no resolution or
25:28repair. Arguing doesn't serve the
25:30relationship if there's no respect or
25:31consideration. Is your behavior building
25:34trust and connection, or is it breaking
25:36it? whichever is breaking it, get rid of
25:39those. And if you don't know what
25:40actions build trust and connection and
25:42which ones break it, then sit down and
25:43have a conversation about that. What
25:45builds trust with you and what breaks
25:48it? What feels good and what doesn't?
25:50Couples that make it want to know that
25:52information. For the anxious partner in
25:54your life, reassurance feels so good to
25:56them. So text them, call them, write
25:58them a note, do the things that you used
26:00to do when you were dating. Learn how
26:01they feel loved most and then do those
26:03things. or just ask them, "What are two
26:05things that I could do this week to help
26:07you feel prioritized and loved as long
26:09as they don't violate your boundaries?"
26:11Do those things. Check in with them
26:13regularly. I like way more than you
26:15think you need to. Build your tolerance
26:17for having those emotionally focused
26:19conversations, all the skills that we've
26:21already talked about, learning how to be
26:22vulnerable, talking about your inner
26:24world, asking them about theirs,
26:26listening and validating. I know it's
26:28harder for you. You're starting from a
26:30deficit, but you can still do this. When
26:32you're doing your check-ins, ask them
26:34about their day. Ask them how they're
26:36feeling, right? Ask them about something
26:38that they're excited about. Talk about a
26:40vacation that you want to plan with
26:42them, right? Avoidant partners. You know
26:44that I care about you. You know, I'm
26:45here for you, but because of your pain,
26:48you are more self-centered. Your work is
26:50becoming more selfless. If this is
26:53someone that you want to trust with your
26:54heart, you have to open up and show it
26:56to them. Because the truth is, we all
26:58have an inner world, right? We all have
26:59needs, wants, and desires. Love demands
27:01that we risk sharing those with our most
27:04intimate partners. And I bet that
27:06there's a fear deep down that if they
27:09truly knew me, I don't know if they
27:12would choose me. And I get that fear. I
27:14have that sometimes, too. But when we
27:16just keep things surface level, when we
27:18refuse to share our inner world and
27:19feelings and get curious about theirs,
27:21we miss out on the intimacy that makes
27:23relationships worth it. Your partner is
27:25most likely starving for actual intimacy
27:27with you. And it's normal if that makes
27:29you afraid. It's normal for that to
27:31overwhelm you. But you have to work on
27:34building that tolerance little by
27:35little. So fight back against those
27:37insecurities. Fight back against those
27:39fears. Initiate some deep conversations.
27:42Initiate some thoughtfulness. Set
27:44reminders on your phone if you need to
27:45that just says remind them that you love
27:47them. And anxious partners, when you see
27:49your avoidant partner trying, reward
27:51them with appreciation. You both need to
27:53be looking out for ways to appreciate
27:55each other. When you see them putting in
27:57effort, don't say, "Well, it's about
27:58time." I mean, what do you want? A
27:59cookie for doing the bare minimum? If
28:01that's the case, you shouldn't be in
28:03this relationship anymore. For the
28:04people who actually want to fix this,
28:06we're losing the victim mentality. If
28:08the relationship is unsafe, leave. But
28:10don't tell me you want to work on it,
28:12but you you refuse to take any
28:13accountability for your side of the
28:15conflict pie, and you keep reminding
28:17them of all of their failures. We have
28:19to drop the self-righteousness and learn
28:22to lead with soft vulnerability. anxious
28:24attachers, we have to work on our
28:25clinginess. I'm not saying don't desire
28:27connection. I'm not saying that your
28:29standards are too high. I understand
28:31you're just looking for the bare
28:32minimum. I'm saying let's be honest with
28:34ourselves about whether our sense of
28:36safety comes solely from them or not.
28:39Because do you want to know what's truly
28:41attractive to people? When they can tell
28:43that your worth and value isn't found in
28:44relationships. When they can tell that
28:46you're happy on your own. When they can
28:48tell that you have standards and values
28:50and that you're not willing to abandon
28:52yourself for someone else, that's
28:54attractive. Because anxious attachment
28:56kept me stuck because deep down, I
28:57wasn't sure if I deserved to be
28:59prioritized. I wasn't sure if I deserved
29:01to be treated with the same respect and
29:03consideration that I was giving out to
29:05them. I was begging them to reciprocate.
29:07But true healing started when I stopped
29:10begging and I let them treat me however
29:12they wanted to. And then I decided if
29:14this relationship would actually work
29:16for me. We all have to find the balance
29:18between independence and inshment,
29:20right? And for my hyperindependent
29:22people, you have to learn how to
29:24emotionally connect with someone again,
29:26which I know is really difficult for you
29:27because you spent your whole life
29:29feeling emotionally disconnected from
29:31yourself. For my anxious partners who
29:33tend to cling and self-abandon to be
29:35chosen, we have to learn how to be more
29:37independent and build a tolerance for
29:39distance in the relationship. That
29:41doesn't mean give so much rope that you
29:43never see them. You can still have
29:45standards and needs. It's just about
29:47being honest about where your core
29:48safety is found. It's perfectly normal
29:50to feel safe inside of relationships,
29:53but we also need to find it in
29:54ourselves. We need to have a core safety
29:56knowing that relationships add joy and
29:58value to our lives, but they are not the
30:00source. That's your work. And it's not
30:02always easy, but it is necessary. Here's
30:04the bottom line. You both have to stop
30:06doing what's not working. If you don't
30:08like my plan, no problem. Find a
30:10different plan. What we can't do is go
30:12back to the way things were, right? You
30:14both have to be devoted to breaking this
30:16cycle and refusing to fall back into
30:18that old loop again. So, let's try
30:20something new. Let's heal some of those
30:22old traumas. Let's reassure each other
30:24that we don't need to be perfect to be
30:26loved and accepted. And at the same
30:28time, let's put in the work to make it
30:30evident that we're trying to do
30:32everything we can to make this
30:33relationship work. Let's slow down our
30:35fights. Let's be vulnerable. Let's
30:37connect the dots to the unmet needs or
30:40hidden feelings in the frustrations or
30:42complaints. Let's remind each other
30:44we're on the same team. Thank you so
30:46much for watching. I hope this was
30:48helpful in some way and I can't wait to
30:50see you in the next one.

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