Anton Tymoshenko - Stand-Up Comedy In Wartime Kyiv І Performing Live In A Bomb Shelter [eng subs] — Transcript

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1. 0:09My name is Anton Tymoshenko, I’m  stand up comedian from Kyiv, Ukraine.
2. 0:12And Ukraine is the best place to be a comedian  now, because your career can rise very high.
3. 0:19For example, in the USA, if you are a good  comedian, you can have a late night show.
4. 0:23In Ukraine if you are a good  comedian you can destroy russia.
5. 0:29That’s much more interesting than  late night with Jimmy Fallon.
6. 0:34I’m not sure Jimmy Fallon can handle russia.
7. 0:37Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen Colbert probably. Jimmy
8. 0:40Fallon can destroy russia  only in a lipsync battle.
9. 0:45You don’t get it. That’s joke  for Americans, that’ fine.
10. 0:48Because they have money and we don’t that’s why…
11. 0:52I am making this stand-up video trying to collect
12. 0:55some money from the world to  help my country in this war.
13. 0:58This is such a strange feeling. Last 10 years  of my life I was raising money to have a flat
14. 1:04in Kyiv, now I’m raising money to win a war!
15. 1:08That’s little bit more difficult. But  I’m not sure what’s more difficult.
16. 1:13Flats in Kyiv were very expensive. I  hope now they will give a discount.
17. 1:21My colleague Zelensky is now performing  all over the world, he has some specials in
18. 1:31different parliaments.
19. 1:36He was at the Grammys, but he wasn’t  invited at the Oscar. It’s good,
20. 1:42because as I know comedians were  beaten in the face at this Oscar.
21. 1:49But I would have liked to see Will Smith  try to get Zelenskiy. russia can’t beat him,
22. 1:57I don’t think Will Smith has a chance. I  Am Legend – this is about Zelenskiy now.
23. 2:11This is our comedy cellar. All my  country in cellars now to tell the truth,
24. 2:18because of bombing, rockets, all these stuff.
25. 2:21So it’s easy to find an audience for stand up.  You just come to comedy cellar and people here.
26. 2:31And they can’t go out because of air  sirens. So you can tell bullshit.
27. 2:43One of the benefit of living near russia is that  you always “live in the moment”. Always live in
28. 2:47the moment, because we might only  have a moment to live in Ukraine.
29. 2:56People around the world try to live in the moment,
30. 3:00they try mindfulness meditation,  fly to Thailand or Bali.
31. 3:04Stop it, just come to Ukraine.
32. 3:07russia will help you much more  faster than deep breathing exercises.
33. 3:13How do you become so enlightened, it’s yoga? -  No, it’s russian bombs. Special course in Kharkiv.
34. 3:21Ok, I feel so alive.
35. 3:27Live each day as if it was you last. That’s  what Steve Jobs said. He had a cancer,
36. 3:31Ukraine has a russia that’s pretty much the same. I know that the world loves Ukraine. My
37. 3:40favorite is when countries light up buildings with  Ukraine’s national colors. Like The Eiffel tower.
38. 3:48This is so brave because russian  might accidentally bomb it. Oops,
39. 3:53not real Ukraine? Sorry about that. It’s France?  Ok, we will bomb you later. Next in a schedule.
40. 4:06I like France, but I don’t  understand know how Emanuel
41. 4:10Macron looks more tired than people in Mariupol.
42. 4:20It’s a huge talent. We’ve already collected  some money and food from Chernihiv to you,
43. 4:26just hang on. We will help you soon.
44. 4:32The funniest country in Europe is  Germany. When we ask for weapons,
45. 4:37Germany says they don’t have enough  weaposn to share. Oh common on!
46. 4:44My grandma says you have a lot.
47. 4:53or you can create it very  quickly. She remembers that.
48. 5:08This is not so difficult.
49. 5:11I can do it. Boris Johnson come to  Ukraine I can go to UK if you need.
50. 5:18Our main comedian little bit  busy now, so you can take me.
51. 5:22I’ll give you a couple of jokes about Ukraine.
52. 5:26Let’s talk about sanctions. Sanctions?  They always announce more sanctions.
53. 5:33I don’t understand why they just  don’t use all sanctions right now.
54. 5:38Why do we always need to ask the West so they  would answer us like an internet provider?
55. 5:45“Yes, Ukraine, if you wanna get  new package of sanctions please
56. 5:50upload more photos of dead people from Bucha.
57. 5:55Sorry, you don’t have enough dead  children to get new package sanctions. So
58. 6:01try later or you can use old package”.
59. 6:14I noticed that the speed of sanctions  is around two raped children a day.
60. 6:21Yes, West act with a speed of two  raped Ukrainian children’s a day.
61. 6:26This is too slow. This is the speed of  Michael Jackson, you need to be faster.
62. 6:36This is rough joke. Rough times  rough jokes, sorry about that.
63. 6:39It’s not so rough as a bomb  on your head, for example.
64. 6:44You need to know that  Ukraine will never surrender.
65. 6:46And I have an example how much we unite.
66. 6:48I have a friend, she was very depressed before  war. I met her couple of weeks ago and asked
67. 6:55how she feels now, apparently difficult.
68. 6:58And she said (she even thought  about suicide before war).
69. 7:03And now she said: “No, I feel much better”.
70. 7:07I asked why, and she said “Because  now I don't think about suicide.
71. 7:11I thinking about how to kill russians!”
72. 7:15So thank you Putin, you have saved my friend.
73. 7:22And
74. 7:23for me this is the best example of  how Ukrainians unites against russia.
75. 7:28People ready to delay suicide.
76. 7:32She literally moved her deadline  to see Putin’s deadline first.
77. 7:41And the punchline of this story  is that she is from russia.
78. 7:45She was born in russia, but moved  to Ukraine five or six years ago.
79. 7:51And I said her: “Yulia you're so lucky, you can  always kill at least one russian. Yourself”.
80. 8:05She approved this joke, because she is cool.
81. 8:11I think that after the war she will change her
82. 8:14mind about kilingl herself because she  has already seen russian soldiers lives.
83. 8:19You need to know that russians always  looting lot of stuff from Ukraine like TVs,
84. 8:23cars, steal money, food, all the stuff.
85. 8:27We have photos where you can see that  russian soldiers steal a doghouse.
86. 8:32Yes, there is a man in the russian army who chose  to steal a doghouse instead of killing himself.
87. 8:40If he continues to live, perhaps in this  doghouse, then why does she has to go?
88. 8:49So I have very bad news for Putin, Ukrainians now  have something to live for. That’s your death.
89. 9:06russian propaganda is so stupid.
90. 9:10Putin does all these crimes like  there is no Internet in the world.
91. 9:14Antivax statements are a diploma in  physics compared to russia propaganda.
92. 9:20You just can’t read russian news seriously  because they always have a punchline.
93. 9:25For example: “Ukraine has  biological weapons – birds, chickens
94. 9:33and bats, who carry infections when they fly”.
95. 9:38And it’s all financed by the USA.
96. 9:41Thank you USA, now I can go to KFC in  Kyiv and buy some biological bucket.
97. 9:55Hazardous chicken. What’s next? russia will say
98. 10:00there are Teenage Mutant Ninja  Turtles in Ukrainian army.
99. 10:06They were born in Chornobyl.
100. 10:08Look at the Michelangelo and Leonardo  together, it’s a Ukrainian flag.
101. 10:18russia came to fight fascism in Ukraine. But  did you see the russian army? These letters Z, V
102. 10:27Their messages: “Ukraine is not a country,  Ukrainians are not a nation”. What was the plan?
103. 10:34To catch a fascist you have  to think like a fascist!
104. 10:41And
105. 10:42maybe become fascist. If russia wants to  destroy fascism, they can just kill themrself.
106. 10:52Famous fascists did this stuff, so just try.
107. 10:56You need to know only one fact  about russia to understand it:
108. 11:00They have a dead man Lenin, who created USSR.
109. 11:07Russians embalm him like pharaon with Mary  Kay cosmetics and he is laying in a museum.
110. 11:16And children in russian schools go to this museum  to look at him and then… never sleep, I guess.
111. 11:24Why they do stuff with Lenin? There are only  two reasons to have this “look alive” Lenin.
112. 11:30First reason they would like to have alive  USSR. Or it’s just very expensive sex doll.
113. 11:40And putin look like a man who can  fuck old dead guy in basement.
114. 11:47So you really think this country  still can be a member of United
115. 11:50Nations? Couple of words about United Nations.
116. 11:57Why do we spend money on it? It’s not working,  in fact russia unites countries much faster.
117. 12:05Using weapon and all this stuff.
118. 12:08We can fire all the United Nations and  replace them with my mom. She is also
119. 12:13always concerned but can’t do anything about this.
120. 12:19She is even concerned that she is concerned,  this is a new level. Like when she said.
121. 12:24“Oh I’m so concerned, that I’m starting to  be concerned about the effect on my mental
122. 12:28health. Isn’t that concerning?” I don’t know mum.
123. 12:34United Nations become a meme in Ukraine.
124. 12:36Lot of Ukrainians try to help army  and you never feel you did enough.
125. 12:41But when ordinary Ukrainians feel useless, we say:
126. 12:45“Don’t worry just remember  that the United Nation exists.
127. 12:50One of main the problem, that  World can’t stop buying oil
128. 12:54and gas from russia. This is the  main problem with the sanctions.
129. 12:59And this situation says so much about  the world and our future. Because
130. 13:05even if we forget about war for a second
131. 13:07all people understand that we need to reduce  the use of oil and gas to save our planet.
132. 13:13But now we continue to buy this  stuff even when thousands of people
133. 13:17are dying. Do you really think we  will save the environment someday?
134. 13:23I’m sure when people start dying from  global warming the world will be like:
135. 13:28“Ok, we are imposing sanctions against  the Sun. Now the Sun can’t buy IPhones.
136. 13:36If the Sun will not stop warming up the  planet we will deploy NATO troops on Mars!
137. 13:42Think about that, sun”.
138. 13:45To tell the truth I’m a big fan of global warming  because it will kill the russian oil business.
139. 13:53When the temperature goes  up Putin will sweat first.
140. 13:58North Stream – 2 will become  just a slide in Water Park.
141. 14:04If you wanna ride from russia to Germany
142. 14:14quickly.
143. 14:22World is afraid of Nuclear War. But
144. 14:27it has already started. Look at the  Mariupol. There are no buildings.
145. 14:32Chornobyl looks better than  Mariupol because of russia.
146. 14:38And I think russia is more  dangerous than nuclear weapon,
147. 14:42because nuclear weapon works with  some physics and chemical laws.
148. 14:46In russia there are no laws. All kinds  of laws are not working in russia.
149. 14:52Scientists know a lot about uranium behavior.  What do they know about Putin behavior?
150. 14:59Nobody can predict it. It’s more safe to  have a walk with uranium than Putin, because
151. 15:06you never know how Putin is gonna kill you.
152. 15:09To understand how bad is Putin you  need to know that all the world
153. 15:12unites against russia to help Ukraine.
154. 15:15Switzerland, ISIS, the Pope  and even the Satanic Temple.
155. 15:22Satanic Temple the most popular and  famous Satanist organization in the world.
156. 15:28And they post that they Stand  with Ukraine. To make it clear:
157. 15:34The Pope and the Satan become allies  against russia. How much putin is bad.
158. 15:49Now in Ukraine we need to be  careful in Ukraine. “Guys,
159. 15:52we have some help from abroad, medicine, food…
160. 15:55- Oh, thank God! – No, no, that’s  from Satan. – Thanks Satan? Thank you!
161. 16:11I know what you think while watching  this video: war is far away from me
162. 16:16I can always just run way to Australia.
163. 16:20That’s comforting, but not true because  it’s too expensive, tickets to Sidney.
164. 16:25It’s false because our planet  is an ellipsoid, its a circle.
165. 16:29So when you run from one point someday  you will get to the place where you start.
166. 16:34So I’m asking you to help Ukraine, to give  donates and remember that Ukraine start with U!