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Anchored by Deb Dana | Self-Help | Full Audiobook — Transcript

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0:00read anchored. I recognized that Deb
0:03Dana has made an important contribution
0:06by providing a powerful metaphor to
0:08illustrate how the nervous system
0:10regulates its resources to provide a
0:13neural platform for social behavior and
0:16gain the benefits of co-regulation.
0:20In anchored, Deb shares her intellectual
0:22and insightful gifts by translating the
0:25complex neurohysiological constructs
0:28embedded in polyagal theory into
0:31accessible language.
0:34As she links words to visualizations and
0:37visualization to bodily feelings, her
0:39gifts go well beyond linguistic skills
0:42and effectively bring bodily feelings
0:45into awareness.
0:47Through this strategy,
0:49Deb teaches the audience of anchored the
0:53skills to move safely back into their
0:55body. From a polyagal perspective, Deb
0:59artfully and efficiently leads the
1:01audience through structured neural
1:03exercises that effectively enable their
1:06nervous systems to more efficiently
1:09support homeostatic functions, leading
1:12to health, growth, and restoration.
1:16Or more succinctly stated, she outlines
1:19neural exercises that will provide
1:22resources to downregulate threats and
1:25enable spontaneous social engagement,
1:28which in combination create a fluid path
1:31toward co-regulation and embodiment.
1:35The product of this strategy is a more
1:37resilient nervous system that supports
1:40both mental and physical health.
1:44In reading anchored, I became focused on
1:46the parallel between the communication
1:49strategies within the body and among
1:51individuals.
1:53These are interdependent levels of
1:55co-regulation.
1:57Since a regulated and resourced nervous
1:59system spontaneously downregulates
2:02defensive reactions, while a nervous
2:05system in chronic states of threat
2:07downregulates opportunities to socially
2:10engage.
2:12Fortunately, through our evolutionary
2:14history, we as social mammals have
2:17developed a portal to downregulate our
2:20threat reactions through the
2:21neurosception of safety.
2:24However, access to this portal is
2:26greatly influenced by the neural state
2:29of the individual.
2:31If the autonomic nervous system is well
2:34resourced, we are resilient and there is
2:36a low threshold to trigger states of
2:38safety that would lead to spontaneous
2:41social engagement and co-regulation.
2:45Alternatively, if we are locked into a
2:47defensive state, feelings of safety may
2:50not be easily accessible.
2:53The title anchored serves as a metaphor
2:56that Deb brilliantly uses to create the
2:59visualization of a safe place within the
3:02individual's concept of their personal
3:04resources,
3:06eg nervous system concept of self.
3:09This serves them on their personal
3:11journey of embodiment with the
3:13attributes of resilience,
3:15self-regulation within and co-regulation
3:18with others.
3:20Functionally, the journey requires us to
3:23first become aware of the
3:25neurohysiological circuits involved in
3:27feelings of safety, danger, and life
3:30threat.
3:32Second, become aware of the power of
3:34neurosception, the detection of cues of
3:37threat and safety without conscious
3:39awareness. And third, through
3:42visualizations and experientials,
3:45become aware of the shifts in autonomic
3:48state.
3:50As a package, this sequence can be
3:53conceptualized as neural exercises which
3:56would promote greater self-awareness and
3:58self-regulation leading to greater
4:01resilience.
4:03In a recent paper, I framed the polyagal
4:07theory as a scientific extrapolation of
4:10the phoggenetic journey towards
4:12sociality functionally expressed in
4:15social mammals which evolved from
4:18asocial reptiles.
4:20Through this journey, the
4:21neurohysiological portal to sociality
4:24required an efficient mechanism to
4:26detect safety and to reflexively
4:29downregulate defense.
4:32Basically, the neural mechanisms
4:34underlying sociality enable the rapid
4:37transition from aggressive or submissive
4:40threat reactions to a physiology that
4:43enables accessibility and promotes
4:46opportunities to co-regulate.
4:48As a scientist and the creator of the
4:51polyagal theory, my narrative describing
4:54and justifying the theory continues to
4:57evolve.
4:58Although the world of trauma therapy
5:01rapidly grasped the importance of the
5:03theory as it related to the experiences
5:05of their clients, I was slower in
5:08grasping the significance of the theory
5:10in the treatment of trauma and other
5:13mental health related disorders.
5:15I had to learn from therapists and their
5:18clients who informed me of the value of
5:20the theory both in clinical practice and
5:23in transforming the personal narrative
5:26of trauma survivors.
5:29Deb Dana is one of these insightful and
5:32articulate therapists who has informed
5:35me about the role polyagal theory can
5:37play both in the clinical process and in
5:40everyday social interactions.
5:43Deb rapidly embraced the theory and
5:46through her unique insights and
5:47communication skills made the theory
5:50more accessible not only to therapists
5:53but as a map to understanding our
5:55personal roles in our daily social
5:58interactions.
6:00Deb expressed in her work that it is the
6:03bodily feelings and not the events that
6:06are central to the experience of trauma.
6:09Her work focuses on the central theme
6:12through which polyvagal informed
6:13therapies function.
6:16Polyagal informed therapy shift the
6:19focus of therapy from the traumatic
6:21event to the bodily feeling. This is an
6:24important theoretical transformation
6:27about how trauma is both treated and
6:29embedded in the survivor's nervous
6:32system.
6:33On the foundational level, polyagal
6:36theory emphasizes that physiological
6:39state forms the intervening variable
6:42that determines our reactivity to cues
6:45and contexts.
6:47Thus, the theory emphasizes that it is
6:49not trauma as an event that is the
6:52primary determinant of outcome.
6:56Rather, the theory emphasizes that it is
6:58the retuning of the neurorulation of the
7:01autonomic nervous system to support
7:03threat reactions that is the primary
7:06determinant of outcome.
7:09This does not preclude the importance of
7:11the traumatic event but acknowledges the
7:14great individual differences in outcomes
7:16to common traumatic experiences.
7:21The polyagal perspective of trauma
7:23differs from the focus of
7:25epidemiological research which
7:27emphasizes scales such as the adverse
7:30childhood experiences aces and the
7:34identification of specific events as
7:37causal in the conceptualization of PTSD.
7:41This strategy redefes the trauma and
7:44moves it from being within the
7:46individual to an external event.
7:50Prevalent contemporary epidemiological
7:53models assume that the relevant events
7:55can be quantitatively evaluated along a
7:58continuum of severity of trauma, stress
8:01or abuse.
8:03However, polyagal theory shifts the
8:05dialogue from the external event to the
8:09intervening neural system that can be
8:12vulnerable or resilient to threat.
8:15If the individual is in a vulnerable
8:17state, then lower intensity events can
8:21disrupt neural function and shift the
8:24nervous system from a state supporting
8:26homeostasis
8:28to a vulnerable state reflecting
8:30autonomic destabilization
8:32with consequential coorbidities.
8:36If the system is resilient, it can
8:39functionally buffer the impact of higher
8:41intensity events.
8:44The theory suggests that a profound
8:46retuning of the autonomic nervous system
8:49following the traumatic event is an
8:52adaptive consequence of surviving
8:54trauma.
8:56To tap into this intervening variable in
8:59survey research, we created the body
9:02perception questionnaire, BPQ.
9:06The BPQ is a relatively short
9:09questionnaire that evaluates the
9:11reactivity of our autonomic nervous
9:13system. The psychometrics are well
9:16established and several studies have
9:18been published using the scale. The
9:21scale and scoring information are
9:23available on my web page
9:25stephvenporges.com.
9:28In my colleagues and my research, we
9:30documented the profound role of
9:33autonomic regulation as an intervening
9:35variable mediating the impact of
9:38adversity history.
9:40We found that if adults with an
9:42adversity history also had an autonomic
9:45nervous system tuned to be threat
9:47reactive, their outcomes were worse.
9:50This was confirmed by two recently
9:53published studies, one investigating
9:55sexual function and the other exploring
9:58mental health reactions during the
10:00pandemic.
10:02This emphasis on sociality transforms
10:05polyagal theory into a clinically
10:07relevant perspective.
10:10When the initial tenants of the theory
10:12were introduced more than 25 years ago,
10:16application in basic medicine was more
10:18central to the theory than mental health
10:20was.
10:22I thought the theory would have traction
10:24in obstetrics, neonatlogy,
10:27pediatrics, cardiology, and other
10:30medical specialties concerned with
10:32atypical autonomic function. As I listen
10:35to Deb and am informed about her
10:38applications and insights, polyagal
10:41theory takes on new meanings in the
10:44understanding and treatment of mental
10:46and physical health.
10:49As we embrace the core message of the
10:51theory that we are a social species
10:54without the accessibility of our
10:56mamalian heritage, we recognize we lack
10:59the neural resources to be safe and to
11:02co-regulate with others.
11:05This heritage pivots on two uniquely
11:07mamalian features. One, a neurosception
11:11process that enables the down
11:12reggulation of defense states through
11:15reflexive detection of cues of safety.
11:19And two, a neural circuit, the
11:22vententral veagal complex with its
11:24capacity to both calm defenses and
11:27provide cues of safety via an integrated
11:30social engagement system.
11:33This heritage links behavior and
11:36psychological experience with definable
11:38and measurable neurohysiological
11:41mechanisms. A link that joins mental and
11:44physical health and dispels myths of
11:47their independence.
11:50Anchored focuses on the bold therapeutic
11:52problem of how to return to the safety
11:55of our body.
11:57Anchored is about getting reacquainted
11:59with bodily feelings without the
12:02familiar embedded associations of these
12:05feelings with dangerous events. By
12:08establishing a secure anchor within the
12:11body, we can safely explore feelings
12:14that would previously be destabilizing.
12:18Having an anchor provides the stability
12:20to explore and safely feel the wounds
12:23still held in the body.
12:26This process supports the journey of
12:28healing in which the nervous system will
12:31become sufficiently resilient to engage
12:34others and find humor and excitement,
12:37not threat while navigating a complex
12:40and often unpredictable world.
12:44In anchored, Deb has mastered a language
12:47that allows all of us, regardless of
12:49education and profession, to experience
12:53overt actions and covert visualizations
12:57as efficient neural exercises to
12:59metaphorically follow the cable leading
13:02to internal feelings of safety that are
13:05now anchored within the nervous system.
13:10Introduction
13:13Polyagal theory is the science of
13:15feeling safe enough to fall in love with
13:18life and take the risks of living.
13:22We are wired for connection.
13:24Our nervous systems are social
13:26structures that find balance and
13:29stability in relationship with others.
13:32Think about that for a moment. Our
13:35biology shapes the way we navigate
13:37living, loving, and working.
13:40And now we have a way to use this
13:43understanding in service of individual,
13:46family, community, and global
13:48well-being.
13:50This way is called polyagal theory.
13:54Polyagal theory was first developed in
13:56the 1990s by Steven Borges. It explains
14:00the science of connection, offering a
14:03map of the nervous system to guide our
14:05exploration as well as skills we can
14:08practice to strengthen our ability to
14:10anchor ourselves and each other in
14:13safety and regulation in the midst of
14:16challenges to our sense of equilibrium.
14:20Since 2014, I have collaborated with Dr.
14:24Borges as a mentor, co-author,
14:27colleague, and friend. and have been
14:30actively translating the science of
14:32polyvagal theory into clinical
14:34application.
14:36With this book, I hope to translate
14:38polyagal theory even further so that
14:41anyone can have access to its core
14:43concepts and experience its many
14:46benefits for living and navigating life
14:49with greater ease.
14:52Even with this translation, there's some
14:54new terminology to learn. While words
14:57like neurosception, hierarchy,
15:00ventro veagal, sympathetic, and dorsal
15:03veagal may seem daunting at first, I'll
15:06help you become fluent in the basic
15:09vocabulary and get comfortable in
15:11speaking the language of the nervous
15:13system.
15:14You'll see in the chapters that follow
15:16that I sometimes substitute the word
15:19safe, connected or regulating for
15:22vententral veagal,
15:24mobilized or fight and flight for
15:26sympathetic
15:28and disconnected shutdown or collapsed
15:30for dorsal.
15:32As you begin to befriend your nervous
15:34system, you'll have the opportunity to
15:37find your own words.
15:40The human autonomic nervous system
15:42evolved over many millennia and is based
15:45on a universal design that is a common
15:48denominator across human experience.
15:51Called autonomic as a reference to the
15:54autonomous automatic way it functions.
15:57This system regulates internal organs
16:00and body processes including heartbeat,
16:03breath rhythms, blood pressure,
16:06digestion, and metabolism.
16:09The role of the autonomic nervous system
16:11is to store, conserve, and release
16:14energy to help us safely move through
16:16our daily lives.
16:19This system works in predictable ways,
16:21and this shared experience brings us
16:24together.
16:26Looking through the lens of the nervous
16:28system, we understand that we are all
16:31trying to anchor in the state of safety
16:34that supports connection to self, to
16:36others, to the world, and to spirit, and
16:40provides the energy we need to navigate
16:42our days.
16:44When the inner workings of our biology
16:46are a mystery, we feel as if we're at
16:49the mercy of unknown, unexplainable, and
16:53unpredictable experiences.
16:56Once we know how our nervous system
16:57works, we can work with it. As we learn
17:01the art of befriending our nervous
17:03system, we learn to become active
17:05operators of this essential system.
17:10A regulated nervous system is
17:12fundamental to the process of navigating
17:14the world with a sense of safety and
17:16ease.
17:18We all encounter problems over the
17:20course of a day. Some are more easily
17:23managed than others. But no matter where
17:26an experience lands on the continuum of
17:28mild to traumatic, understanding how the
17:31nervous system works is the path to
17:34finding the way back to regulation.
17:38When we learn to befriend the nervous
17:40system, track states, and anchor in
17:43autonomic safety, the inevitable
17:45challenges that we all face as we go
17:48through our days aren't quite so
17:50formidable.
17:52If we put a problem aside and turn our
17:55attention toward learning how to shape
17:57our systems in the direction of safety
17:59and connection, we can return to the
18:02problem and see it in a new way.
18:06Anchored in a regulated system, options
18:08appear and possibilities emerge.
18:13How to use this book?
18:16Our stories about who we are and how we
18:19see the world begin in our bodies.
18:22Before the brain can assemble thoughts
18:24and language, the nervous system
18:26initiates a response that moves us
18:29toward an experience and
18:30interconnection,
18:32takes us into the mobilizing protection
18:35of fight and flight or rescues us
18:38through shutdown and disconnection.
18:41How do we begin to befriend this system?
18:44How do we learn to tune in and tune
18:46toward the important information our
18:49nervous system holds and use this
18:51information to be active authors of our
18:54personal stories?
18:57Mindfully meeting the autonomic nervous
18:59system begins with understanding the way
19:02this system works and creating skill in
19:05following the momentto- moment flow
19:07between action, withdrawal, and
19:10connection.
19:12With that awareness, we can bring in
19:14practices to gently shape the system in
19:17new ways and enjoy the sense of ease
19:20that comes from living with a nervous
19:22system that responds with flexibility to
19:25the ordinary and sometimes extraordinary
19:29challenges we meet each day.
19:33The chapters in this book offer small
19:35steps that help you befriend your
19:37nervous system.
19:40The experiential practices build from
19:42one chapter to the next in an order
19:45designed to keep the process from
19:47feeling overwhelming.
19:49Each chapter offers practices labeled
19:52explorations
19:54to bring the theory portion into an
19:56embodied experience.
19:58After you've completed the book, you can
20:00go back and go over the chapters and
20:03return to the explorations.
20:06They are offered so you can experiment
20:08as you go and then come back to the ones
20:10that help you feel a sense of well-being
20:13and make them a part of an ongoing
20:15practice.
20:17Many of the explorations include a
20:19suggestion to document what you find and
20:22want to remember. I chose the word
20:25document to invite the use of both words
20:28and images.
20:30At times you may find that a single word
20:32or several bullet points help you hold
20:35on to the new information
20:37while at other times you may decide a
20:40longer piece of writing or illustrations
20:42in color may be how you want to record
20:45what is important.
20:47Each invitation to document is an
20:49invitation to choose how you want to
20:52remember and revisit what you
20:54discovered.
20:56Throughout the chapters of the book,
20:58you'll learn about the basic principles
21:00of polyagal theory and then bring the
21:02science into everyday application with
21:05explorations that bring the theory
21:07alive.
21:09My hope is that when you finish the
21:11book, you'll move through the world in a
21:13new way and experience the powerful
21:15benefits that come with finding your
21:18personal pathways to calm and
21:20connection.
21:22This process of befriending the nervous
21:25system is an ongoing journey of
21:27discovery.
21:29I've been exploring this territory for a
21:32long time and have wisdom and expertise
21:34to share. And just like you, I'm still
21:38challenged by daily experiences and find
21:41myself in moments of messiness. Moments
21:44when I lose my anchor in my state of
21:46what is known as vententral veagal
21:48safety and regulation.
21:50When that happens, I need to remember
21:53what I know and put it back into
21:55practice.
21:57The title of this book, Anchored, is a
22:00word you'll hear repeated throughout the
22:01chapters. I grew up around the water,
22:04understanding how anchors are essential
22:06to staying safe in response to changing
22:09conditions.
22:11An anchor digs into the ocean floor with
22:14enough line between it and the boat to
22:17hold the boat safely in one place, but
22:20with enough leeway to move in response
22:22to changes in the sea and wind.
22:26Safety comes with a firmly embedded
22:28anchor and the right amount of line.
22:31When we are anchored, we have a sense of
22:33being safely held so we can venture out
22:36without becoming a drift.
22:38We are connected to a state of
22:40regulation and have room to explore the
22:43world around us.
22:45When I offered my first clinical
22:47training, I told the participants they
22:50were being welcomed into the polyagal
22:52family that was emerging from my
22:54collaboration with Dr. Porges.
22:57That polyagal family has grown into a
23:00global polyvagel community. But the
23:03feeling is still very much one of
23:05family. As you begin this book, I'm
23:08extending an invitation to join this
23:11growing polyagal family and find a new
23:14language of human connection.
23:18One, a quick look at the principles and
23:21elements of polyagal theory.
23:25The beauty of a living thing is not the
23:27atoms that go into it, but the way those
23:30atoms are put together. Carl Sean,
23:33Cosmos, Episode 5.
23:37In his work with premature babies during
23:39the 1970s and 80s, professor of
23:42psychiatry Steven Porges rediscovered
23:45two veagal pathways in the nervous
23:47system that regulate the heart and
23:50provide a face heart connection to
23:52communicate what is happening inside our
23:54bodies to other people.
23:57These discoveries helped define
23:59polyvagal theory and we now have an easy
24:02way to understand and work with our
24:05autonomic nervous systems.
24:08The autonomic nervous system could also
24:10be called the automatic nervous system
24:13since it takes care of our body's basic
24:16housekeeping responsibilities
24:18i.e. breath, heart rate, digestion
24:22without our needing to pay attention to
24:24them. The wonderful thing about this
24:26system is that it not only functions
24:28automatically with pre-programmed
24:31settings, but with polyagal theory, it
24:34can also be adjusted.
24:36To do so, we have to understand the
24:38following three main principles.
24:42One, autonomic hierarchy. The system is
24:45organized around three building blocks
24:47that work in a certain order and come
24:49with preset pathways.
24:52Two, neurosception. The system has a
24:55built-in surveillance system that
24:58watches for signs of safety and warnings
25:00about danger ahead.
25:03Three, co-regulation.
25:06Having moments of safely connecting to
25:08others is a necessary ingredient for
25:11well-being.
25:15Autonomic hierarchy. The building blocks
25:18of experience.
25:20Through the process of evolution, three
25:23building blocks came into being one
25:25after the other. Dorsal veagal shutdown
25:29around 500 million years ago,
25:32sympathetic activation around 400
25:36million years ago and ventagal
25:39connection around 200 million years ago.
25:43This sequential order called the
25:45autonomic hierarchy is key to
25:48understanding how the nervous system
25:50anchors in regulation and reacts to
25:53challenges in daily living. Each of
25:56these building blocks works in a
25:57specific way affecting our biology
26:00through connections inside the body and
26:03impacting our psychology by directing
26:06how we see, sense, and engage with the
26:08world.
26:10The ventro veagal building block, the
26:12newest of the three, provides a pathway
26:15to health and well-being and the place
26:17where life feels manageable. We connect
26:20and communicate with others and may join
26:23a group or be happy on our own. The
26:26common irritations of daily living don't
26:28feel so big. And when our coffee spills
26:31or the commute is too slow, instead of
26:34getting angry or anxious, we're able to
26:36go with the flow.
26:39following the pattern of the hierarchy.
26:41When something happens that feels
26:43overwhelming, when too many things
26:45happen all at once, or when it seems
26:48like life is a series of neverending
26:50challenges, we move down a step to the
26:53next building block and the action
26:55taking of the sympathetic pathway. This
26:58is commonly known as the place of fight
27:01and flight. When our to-do list doesn't
27:04ever seem to get smaller, there's never
27:06quite enough money to make ends meet, or
27:09it feels like our partner is always
27:11distracted, we lose our sense of being
27:14safe in the present moment and our
27:16ability to see a larger picture, and we
27:19react either by attacking or escaping.
27:23If we continue to feel trapped in a
27:25cycle of endless challenges with no way
27:28out and no way to manage, we follow the
27:32hierarchy down to the final step to the
27:35first building block of the nervous
27:37system and the dorsal veagal feeling of
27:39collapse, shutdown, and disconnection.
27:43Here, the spilled coffee, the
27:45neverending to-do list, and the partner
27:48who never seems to be present with us no
27:50longer matter. We begin to shut down and
27:53disconnect.
27:55We may still go through the motions, but
27:57with no energy to care. We lose hope
28:01that anything will ever change.
28:04And because our nervous system follows a
28:06predictable sequence moving from one
28:08building block to the next in order to
28:11recover from this place of collapse, we
28:14need to find our way to some energy in
28:16the sympathetic system and continue on
28:19to the regulation of the vententral
28:21veagal state.
28:23A good way to get the flavor of each of
28:26the three building blocks is by
28:28exploring two statements. The world is
28:31and I am.
28:34Finding the words that describe how you
28:36view the world and your place in it
28:38brings awareness to the beliefs that are
28:41stored in each state. Start in dorsal,
28:44the building block at the bottom of the
28:46hierarchy, and feel into the experience
28:49of disconnection, collapse, and
28:51shutdown.
28:53Fill in the two sentences. The world is
28:56and I am.
28:59You might find the world is unwelcoming,
29:02dark or empty, and you are untethered,
29:05abandoned, or lost.
29:09Move up one building block to the
29:11overwhelming sympathetic flood of energy
29:14and explore the same two sentences.
29:18Perhaps the world is chaotic,
29:20unmanageable, or terrifying. And from
29:22this place of disorganization and chaos,
29:25you are out of control, disregulated or
29:28in danger.
29:31And now move up to the final building
29:34block and the state of vententral veagal
29:36safety and regulation. From here, how do
29:39you fill in the sentences the world is
29:41and I am?
29:44You might experience the world as
29:45welcoming, beautiful and inviting of
29:48connection and feel okay, alive and well
29:51and filled with possibility.
29:55Working in this way with the autonomic
29:57hierarchy, we begin to understand the
30:00different experiences each autonomic
30:02state creates.
30:04Reflecting on the two sentences, the
30:06world is and I am, we see how
30:10dramatically our stories change as we
30:12move from one state, one building block
30:15to another.
30:19Neurosception, your internal
30:22surveillance system. The second
30:24principle of polyagal theory, the
30:26internal surveillance system is defined
30:29by the wonderfully descriptive word
30:31neurosception.
30:33Steven Porges created this word to
30:36illustrate how the nervous system neuro
30:38is awareception
30:41of signs of safety and signals of
30:43danger. With a neurosception of safety,
30:46we move out into the world and into
30:49connection.
30:50A neurosception of danger brings a move
30:53into sympathetic fight and flight while
30:56a neurosception of life threat takes us
30:58into dorsal veagal collapse and
31:00shutdown.
31:03Neurosception follows three streams of
31:05awareness inside, outside and between.
31:10Inside listening happens as
31:12neurosception attends to what's
31:14happening inside your body, your
31:16heartbeat, breath rhythms, and muscle
31:18action, and inside your organs,
31:21especially those involved with your
31:23digestion.
31:25Outside listening begins in your
31:27immediate environment where you are
31:29physically located, and then expands out
31:32into the larger world to include
31:34neighborhoods, nations, and the global
31:37community.
31:39The third stream of awareness, listening
31:41between, is the way your nervous system
31:44communicates with other systems,
31:46one-on-one or with a group of people.
31:49These three streams of embodied
31:51listening are always working micro
31:53moment to micro moment below the level
31:56of our conscious awareness.
31:59running in the background. Neurosception
32:01brings about the autonomic state changes
32:04that either invite us into connection
32:06with people, places, and experiences or
32:10move us away from connection into the
32:12protection of fight, flight, or
32:14shutdown.
32:16Our story and how we think, feel, and
32:19act begins with neurosception.
32:22And while we can't work directly with
32:24neurosception, we can work with our
32:27body's response to it.
32:29When we bring perception to
32:31neurosception,
32:32we bring an otherwise non-concious
32:35experience into awareness.
32:37We can work with our experience by
32:39taking the implicit experience of
32:41neurosception and explicitly noticing it
32:45and turning our attention toward the
32:47state that has come alive.
32:50As we keep traveling the pathway of
32:52awareness, we connect with feelings,
32:54beliefs, behaviors, and finally the
32:57story that takes us through our days.
33:00When we learn to attend to
33:02neurosception, we can begin to shape our
33:05stories in new ways.
33:09Co-regulation, wired for connection.
33:13And finally, the third principle of poly
33:15veagal theory is the need for finding
33:18safe connection with others in the
33:20experience of co-regulation.
33:24Co-regulation, regulating with another
33:27is an experience that is necessary for
33:29survival.
33:31We come into the world unable to fend
33:33for ourselves. And for the first years
33:36of life, we need to be cared for by
33:39others. We are physically unable to
33:42regulate on our own and naturally turn
33:45toward the people around us to meet both
33:47our physical and emotional survival
33:50needs.
33:51As we grow, these experiences of
33:54co-regulation offer a foundation to
33:57explore regulating on our own. Even as
34:00we learn to self-regulate, the need for
34:03co-regulation continues.
34:06This is both an essential ingredient for
34:08well-being and also a challenge to
34:10negotiate.
34:13In order to co-regulate, I have to feel
34:16safe with you. You have to feel safe
34:18with me. And we have to find a way to
34:20come into connection and regulate with
34:23each other.
34:24We turn to a friend to listen or look to
34:27a family member for help. We depend on
34:31certain people in our lives to show up
34:33with a regulated system when we are in
34:36need. While the world seems to be
34:39increasingly focused on self-regulation
34:41and independence,
34:43co-regulation is the foundation for
34:45safely navigating daily living.
34:49We carry the ongoing need to connect
34:51with others. And every day we long for
34:55and look for opportunities to
34:57co-regulate.
34:59It is through these three principles,
35:01hierarchy, neurosception, and
35:03co-regulation,
35:05that we have a way to acknowledge the
35:07role biology has in shaping how we move
35:10through the world and a guide to
35:12engaging with our biology in ways that
35:15bring well-being.
35:19Three elements for well-being.
35:22The three principles of poly vagal
35:24theory, building blocks of the
35:26hierarchy, internal surveillance through
35:29neurosception, and regulating with
35:32others are where we begin to understand
35:34and befriend our nervous system.
35:38Next, we add the elements of well-being,
35:40context, choice, and connection, which
35:44help the nervous system anchor in safety
35:46and regulation.
35:48When these three elements are present,
35:50we more easily find the way to
35:52regulation.
35:54When any one of these elements is
35:56missing, we feel offbalance and
35:58experience a sense of unease.
36:02Context comes from the Latin word
36:05context, meaning to weave together
36:09through the lens of the nervous system.
36:11Context involves gathering information
36:14about how, what, and why in order to
36:17understand and respond to experiences.
36:21We get cues of safety from explicit
36:24communication of the details surrounding
36:27an interaction.
36:28When contextual information is sent
36:31through implicit pathways and not
36:34explicitly shared, we often respond in
36:37the present moment based on our past
36:39experiences.
36:41Without explicitly stated information,
36:44we are more likely to sense unsafety and
36:48move into a pattern of protection.
36:51For instance, a friend sends me a
36:53message cancelling our planned lunch.
36:55And without hearing her voice, seeing
36:57her face, or having more information,
37:00I'm pulled into anxiety and a story that
37:02I've done something wrong and my friend
37:05is upset with me. When I find out she
37:08didn't feel well, the context changes
37:11and instead of feeling abandoned, I feel
37:14care and concern.
37:17Choice is the second element necessary
37:19for a regulated nervous system. With
37:22choice, it's possible to be still or
37:25move, approach or avoid, connect or
37:29protect. When choice is limited or taken
37:32away or when we have a sense of being
37:35stuck or trapped without options, we
37:38begin to look for a way out. In this
37:41search for survival, we may feel the
37:43mobilizing energy of the sympathetic
37:45system with some form of anxiety or
37:48anger. Or we may feel our energy
37:50draining as we are pulled into a dorsal
37:53veagal collapse. Even as we move through
37:56the simple activities of a day, we are
37:59more able to stay anchored in safety and
38:01regulation when there are options.
38:04On the other end of that experience when
38:07there are unlimited options, we can feel
38:10at sea, unable to make a choice.
38:13Too many choices can be overwhelming and
38:16adhering to a rigid schedule too
38:18restrictive.
38:20There is a sweet spot for each of us
38:22where we have boundaries to create a
38:24framework for our choices and routines
38:27that include flexibility.
38:30The final element connection brings a
38:33sense of relationship.
38:35The experience of connection encompasses
38:37four domains. Connection to self,
38:41connection to other people and pets,
38:44connection to nature and the world
38:46around us, and connection to spirit.
38:50With connection, we feel safely
38:52embodied, accompanied by others, at home
38:55in the environment, and in harmony with
38:57spirit.
38:59When there is a rupture in our sense of
39:01connection,
39:02losing our sense of self, experiencing a
39:05misstep in a relationship, being cut off
39:08from nature, or becoming distanced from
39:10our experience of spirit, our ability to
39:14anchor in safety and regulation is
39:16challenged, and we turn to communication
39:19and social engagement to try and find
39:22our way back into connection.
39:25When there is an ongoing disruption of
39:27connection, we often reach out in
39:29desperation before retreating into
39:32despair.
39:34With this beginning look at the
39:36organizing principles of polyagal theory
39:38and the elements of a regulated system,
39:42we can now turn to exploring our
39:44autonomic pathways and trying some
39:47explorations to engage the nervous
39:49system to bring us a sense of
39:51well-being.
39:54Two traveling autonomic pathways.
39:59The only journey is the one within.
40:02Reiner Maria Rilka, letters to a young
40:06poet.
40:08While we may think our brains are in
40:10charge, the heart of our daily
40:12experience and the way we navigate the
40:15world begins in our bodies with the
40:17autonomic nervous system.
40:20This is the place where the stories
40:22emerge about who we are and how the
40:24world works, what we do, and how we
40:27feel. It is our biology that shapes our
40:30experiences of safety and connection.
40:35The story of the autonomic nervous
40:36system begins around 500 million years
40:39ago with a prehistoric fish called a
40:42plaaderm and the branch of the
40:45parasympathetic nervous system we know
40:48as dorsal veagal.
40:50To get a sense of this part of the
40:52system, think about a turtle moving
40:54slowly and steadily through the world.
40:58When scared, the turtle immobilizes,
41:01disappears into its shell, and waits
41:03until it feels safe enough to peek out
41:05at the world again.
41:08Immobilization and disappearing are the
41:10survival strategies of the dorsal veagal
41:13system.
41:14Around 400 million years ago, the
41:17sympathetic nervous system emerged in
41:20another now extinct fish called an
41:23aenthodian.
41:24With the arrival of the sympathetic
41:26nervous system, movement as a survival
41:29strategy was added and fight and flight
41:32were now possible. To get a flavor of
41:35the mobilization of this system, imagine
41:38a shark attacking or a fish darting to
41:41escape.
41:43Finally, around 200 million years ago,
41:46the other branch of the parasympathetic
41:48nervous system, the vententral veagal
41:50system, came into being. The energy of
41:54this uniquely mamalian system allows us
41:57to feel safe, connect, and communicate.
42:00To feel into this system, remember
42:03sitting and talking with a friend. Think
42:06about walking in nature, feeling
42:07connected to the earth. Or if you have a
42:10dog or a cat, imagine them curled up
42:12beside you.
42:15To summarize, our autonomic nervous
42:17system is made up of the parasympathetic
42:20and sympathetic systems with the vagus
42:23providing the primary pathways for the
42:25parasympathetic system through the
42:28dorsal and vententral branches.
42:31Altogether, this gives us access to
42:33three pathways with each pathway
42:36bringing its own particular kind of
42:38response.
42:40While these terms may still seem hard to
42:42remember, it's important to be familiar
42:45with them. So, please bear with me. And
42:47remember, you'll be naming the three
42:50parts of your own nervous system as you
42:52continue in this book.
42:56As each new system emerged, it joined
42:59the older system rather than replacing
43:01it, and the architecture of the
43:03autonomic nervous system became more
43:05complex.
43:07Now let's move into a deeper exploration
43:10of the architecture of this tripartite
43:13autonomic nervous system.
43:18Exploring the veagal pathways.
43:21The veagal in poly vagal theory refers
43:24to the vagus nerve which in fact is not
43:27a single nerve but rather a bundle of
43:30nerves that begins in the brain stem and
43:32travels through the body affecting many
43:35different organs along the way. Vegas
43:38means wanderer in Latin. And because of
43:41the length of this nerve, the vagus is
43:44the longest cranial nerve and the ways
43:46it connects in so many places along its
43:49route, it seems it is appropriately
43:51named. A photoiththograph of a 1543
43:56woodcut by Andreas Vaselius gives us a
44:00sense of these intricate pathways. You
44:03can find an image of this in the bonus
44:06material.
44:08Although we will talk about the vagus as
44:10one nerve, all 12 of our cranial nerves
44:14come in pairs. One on the left side of
44:16the brain and one on the right. It's the
44:19right vagus nerve that connects to the
44:21heart and forms the veagal break
44:23referenced later in this chapter.
44:26From the brain stem, the vagus moves
44:28down the side of the neck behind the
44:31corateed artery and around to the front
44:34of the body and then travels down
44:36through the throat, lungs and heart to
44:39the abdomen and digestive system. To
44:42sense into this system with its many
44:44branches, put your left hand on the base
44:47of your neck and with your right hand,
44:50trace the pathway of the vagus.
44:53Move your right hand around the side of
44:55your neck, down your throat to your
44:58lungs, your heart, and finally your
45:00abdomen.
45:02Imagine energy moving up and down this
45:05pathway.
45:06The information carried along this
45:08veagal pathway travels in two directions
45:12with 80% of the information going from
45:14the body to the brain and 20% from the
45:18brain to the body.
45:20When we are disconnected from our
45:22bodies, we are also disconnected from
45:24the ability to tune in to the important
45:27information being sent from the body to
45:29the brain through the veagal pathway.
45:33The vententral and dorsal branches of
45:35the vagus nerve are identified by the
45:38ways they work above or below the
45:40diaphragm.
45:42The diaphragm is the muscle that
45:44separates the chest from the abdomen.
45:48If you put one hand on your chest and
45:50one just under your rib cage, you're in
45:53the vicinity of your diaphragm.
45:56From the diaphragm downward is the realm
45:58of the dorsal vagus, whose everyday
46:01non-reactive responsibility is to
46:04regulate healthy digestion.
46:07In survival mode, the dorsal vagus takes
46:10us out of awareness, out of connection,
46:12and into collapse and immobilization.
46:16In this survival state, we feel
46:18disconnected and numb and have the
46:20experience of being here but not here
46:23and the sense of going through the
46:24motions of life without really caring.
46:27We suffer with digestive problems as our
46:30biological systems move into
46:32conservation mode. Everything slowing
46:35down to maintain just enough energy to
46:37keep us alive. We hope that if we
46:40disappear, become invisible, and don't
46:43feel what's happening, or inhabit where
46:45we are, we will survive. We escape into
46:49not knowing, not feeling, and a sense of
46:52not being.
46:55As you hear this description, you may
46:57even feel a flavor of your dorsal veagal
47:00energy activating in your system.
47:04From the diaphragm upward is the realm
47:06of the vententral vagus. This is the
47:09place where we anchor in safety and can
47:11both self and co-regulate.
47:14Our heart rate is regulated and our
47:16breath is natural and full. We take
47:18pleasure in seeing the faces of friends
47:21and are able to tune into conversations
47:24and tune out distractions.
47:26In a ventilagal state, we can
47:28acknowledge distress, explore options,
47:31and reach out for and offer support. We
47:35are resourced and resourceful. Our
47:38attention is focused on connection to
47:40ourselves, to others, to the world, and
47:42to spirit. This is a place of
47:44well-being.
47:46As you hear this description, see if you
47:49can sense this energy and feel your
47:51vententral veagal state come alive.
47:55With the beginning awareness of the
47:57veagal system, take a moment and move
48:00between the two veagal pathways. Place
48:02one hand on the base of your skull and
48:05the other hand over your heart.
48:08Imagine the vententral veagal pathway
48:10and feel the energy moving between your
48:12two hands.
48:14Take a moment to acknowledge the
48:16abilities for regulation and connection
48:18this system brings.
48:21And now move your hand from your heart
48:23to your abdomen.
48:25With one hand on your brain stem and one
48:28hand on your abdomen, you're connected
48:30to the dorsal veagal pathway.
48:33Imagine this pathway and feel the energy
48:35that moves here.
48:37Take a moment and acknowledge the way
48:39this system works on your behalf, both
48:42nourishing you through your digestive
48:44processes and protecting you when
48:47necessary by taking you out of
48:49awareness.
48:52The veagal break.
48:54One important ventilagal circuit is the
48:57veagal break. This particular circuit
49:00leaves the brain stem and connects with
49:02the sinoatrial node of the heart, the
49:04heart's pacemaker. And it is through
49:07this connection that our heart rhythms
49:09are regulated.
49:11The veagal break slows the heart rate to
49:13a healthy number of beats per minute
49:15between 60 and 80.
49:18Without this regulating influence, the
49:20heart would be dangerously fast.
49:23Because of the ways this pathway
49:25regulates heart rate, it is called the
49:28veagal break. Like all efficient braking
49:31mechanisms, the veagal break works to
49:33both slow down and speed up heart rate
49:36and bring the right degree of energy
49:38needed to successfully navigate moment
49:41to moment.
49:43The veagal break also regulates our
49:45respiratory rhythm.
49:47It moves in a subtle pattern of release
49:50and re-engagement with every breath
49:52cycle. On each inhalation, the veagal
49:56break offers a slight release and the
49:58heart rate speeds up just a bit. And
50:01then on the exhalation, the veagal brake
50:04re-engages and the heart rate returns to
50:06a slower beat. To get a sense of how the
50:09veagal brake works, think about the
50:11handbrekes on a bicycle. When you're
50:14riding downhill and want to go faster,
50:16you gently release the brakes and the
50:18wheels spin more quickly. Then when you
50:21want to slow down, you gently squeeze
50:23the brakes. The veagal pathway to your
50:26heart doesn't actually physically
50:28release and reconnect like the brakes on
50:30a bicycle. Instead, it becomes more
50:33active and less active through the use
50:35of electrical signals and
50:37neurotransmitters.
50:39The function of the veagal break is to
50:41allow us to feel and use some of the
50:44mobilizing energy of the sympathetic
50:46nervous system without being pulled into
50:48the survival state of fight and flight.
50:52As the veagal break releases a bit, the
50:54energy in the sympathetic system is felt
50:57more strongly mobilizing the system. And
51:00then as the veagal break re-engages,
51:03there's a return to feeling less of the
51:05mobilizing energy of the sympathetic
51:07system.
51:10Exploration using your veagal break.
51:14This exploration can be done either
51:16seated or standing.
51:18Start by imagining you have one foot in
51:20vententral veagal regulation and your
51:23other foot in sympathetic mobilization.
51:26You can place one foot in front of the
51:28other or your feet can be side by side.
51:32Keep both feet on the ground and begin
51:34to shift your weight between your feet,
51:37rocking slightly from one to the other.
51:40Follow your breath cycle. Inhale and
51:43rock toward the foot in sympathetic.
51:46Then exhale and shift your weight back
51:48to the foot in vententral.
51:51Move through several breath cycles and
51:53get a sense of the rhythm of your veagal
51:55break releasing and re-engaging.
51:58As the veagal break begins to release,
52:01we have access to a range of responses,
52:04including feeling engaged, joyful,
52:07excited, passionate, playful, attentive,
52:10alert, and watchful. All while still
52:13under the regulation of the vententral
52:15veagal system. Without the veagal break,
52:18we lose our anchor in safety and
52:20connection and move into the protective
52:23states of fight and flight.
52:26Experiment with finding the edges of
52:28release. Shift your weight so that you
52:31are almost fully tipped into sympathetic
52:33mobilization.
52:35Feel what happens as you begin to lose
52:37your balance.
52:39And then bring yourself back to feeling
52:41the solid ground under the foot that's
52:44anchored in vententral.
52:46And now shift in the direction of having
52:48your weight fully on the foot that's
52:50anchored in vententral while the foot
52:52and sympathetic just lightly touches the
52:54ground. Feel what happens here.
52:58Experiment with the ways your veagal
53:00break allows you to mobilize energy and
53:02then helps you return to calm.
53:05Feel how the veagal break holds the
53:07boundary between vententral safety and
53:10regulation and a sympathetic survival
53:12response.
53:14Now that you have a sense of your veagal
53:16break, you can begin to play with
53:18shifting the balance between energy and
53:21calm.
53:22Practice staying anchored in safety and
53:24feeling mobilized. Move between rest and
53:27action. Explore the full range of
53:30experiences that emerge as you release
53:33and re-engage your veagal break. Imagine
53:37commonly occurring experiences in which
53:40you need to either be energized or calm
53:42and use your veagal break to
53:44successfully meet the moment.
53:47Bring to mind a moment when you need
53:49more energy and release your break to
53:52meet that need.
53:55Then bring to mind a moment when you are
53:57wanting to feel more at ease and
53:58re-engage your veagal break.
54:01You can remember moments and play with
54:03releasing and re-engaging your veagal
54:05break to imagine how the right amount of
54:08energy might have changed the
54:10experience.
54:12Once you gain confidence in your ability
54:14to stay anchored, you can intentionally
54:17adjust the balance toward calm when you
54:20feel a rise in anxiety or toward more
54:23energy when you need to take action.
54:27The energy of the sympathetic system.
54:31The sympathetic system is a spinal nerve
54:34system that emerges from the thoracic
54:36and lumbar regions in the middle part of
54:38the back. To get a sense of this, reach
54:42one hand gently down from your neck and
54:44reach your other hand gently up from
54:46your waist. The space between your hands
54:50is roughly where your sympathetic
54:52nervous system is located.
54:55The energy of the sympathetic nervous
54:56system is vital to our ability to move
54:59through the world. It has a regulating
55:01role in pumping blood and managing heart
55:04rhythms and breath patterns. As you
55:07discovered with the veagal break
55:09exploration, the energies of the
55:11vententral and sympathetic systems can
55:13work in cooperation enlivening our
55:15experience.
55:17But if we lose connection to the veagal
55:19break, we lose our anchor in the
55:21vententral system and move out of safety
55:24into a state of sympathetic survival.
55:27When enlisted in a survival mode, the
55:30sympathetic system activates fight and
55:33flight and the hypothalamic pituitary
55:36adrenal HPA access, a circuit that
55:40connects the hypothalamus and pituitary
55:43gland in your brain with the adrenals
55:45that sit on top of your kidneys begins
55:48to release cortisol and adrenaline.
55:51A car suddenly pulling out in front of
55:53you on the highway, your child reaching
55:55toward a hot stove, or your dog running
55:57for the road are the kinds of
55:59experiences that bring a quick burst of
56:02adrenaline.
56:04We experience an immediate response to
56:06manage the event and then return to
56:07regulation when it's over. Take a moment
56:10and think about a time when you had that
56:12quick jolt of adrenaline.
56:15Your body probably holds the memory and
56:18will bring it alive as you remember.
56:22In addition to this quick, short-term
56:24adrenalinefueled response, the
56:26sympathetic system also responds to
56:29distress with a release of cortisol.
56:33Persistent experiences like being
56:35surrounded by difficult people, living
56:37in a place that feels unsafe, or working
56:40in an environment that feels toxic can
56:42bring an ongoing cortisol response that
56:45feels like a swirl of energy and leaves
56:47you in an unending and unattainable
56:50search for calm.
56:52Think about your daily life. Do you have
56:54an endless list of demands? Do you feel
56:57like you have responsibilities that keep
56:59adding up no matter what you do?
57:02Notice your body's response to this
57:04sympathetically fueled state.
57:08In our evolutionary history, being a
57:11part of a tribe was essential for
57:13survival. We survived in groups. There
57:16was strength in numbers.
57:18When we are anchored in the safety of
57:20vententral regulation, we look for
57:22connection and see possibilities for
57:24friendship.
57:25Moving out of vententral safety into the
57:27energy of the sympathetic system, we
57:30have a sense of an impending danger and
57:32enter into fight and flight. The world
57:35feels like an unsafe place filled with
57:37unsafe people. In this state, we misread
57:42cues and experience neutral faces and
57:45certain tones of voice as signs of
57:47danger. Our hearing is tuned to listen
57:50for sounds of danger. And it's easy to
57:52miss the sounds of friendly voices
57:54around us. We scan the environment, no
57:58longer just aware and alert. We are now
58:01alarmed and hypervigilant.
58:03We are on our own, separated from
58:05others, and we look at the world from an
58:07us versus them or me versus you mindset.
58:14moving between states.
58:17Knowing how each pathway works
58:18individually, we can now look at how
58:21states work together and explore the
58:23relationship between them.
58:26Over the course of evolution, the three
58:28pathways of the autonomic nervous
58:30system, dorsal, sympathetic, and
58:33vententral emerged and formed the
58:35building blocks of the system hierarchy.
58:39Our preferred place, the place where we
58:41find experiences of health, growth and
58:44restoration
58:45is anchored in the vententral veagal
58:47state of safety and connection.
58:50When we are pulled out of regulation,
58:52the first move is into the sympathetic
58:55system of mobilization and protection
58:57through action-taking.
58:59The final step takes us to the dorsal
59:02veagal system of immobilization and
59:04protection through disconnection.
59:07This predictable order of moving between
59:10autonomic states means we can track our
59:13journey into disregulation and have a
59:16road map to find our way back to the
59:18safety of regulation.
59:21We naturally travel between states
59:24routinely moving out of vententral
59:26regulation into sympathetic or dorsal
59:28dysregulation and back again. Leaving
59:31regulation isn't the problem. In fact,
59:34the goal is not to stay in a state of
59:36regulation, but rather to know where we
59:39are, recognize when we're moving out of
59:42regulation and being pulled into a
59:44survival response, and be able to return
59:47to regulation.
59:49The ability to flexibly move between
59:52states is a sign of well-being and
59:54resilience.
59:56It is when we are caught in
59:58disregulation, unable to find our way
1:00:00back to regulation, that we feel
1:00:02distress.
1:00:04When we get pulled out of vententral
1:00:06safety and connection and get lost in a
1:00:09place of disregulation,
1:00:11we move from flexibility to rigidity and
1:00:14feel the effects of a nervous system
1:00:17that is stuck in the intensity of
1:00:19sympathetic mobilization or dorsal
1:00:21shutdown.
1:00:23When anchored in the regulating energy
1:00:25of the vententral veagal state, the
1:00:28autonomic nervous system is in balance
1:00:30and we experience the sense of
1:00:32well-being that comes with a feeling of
1:00:35healthy homeostasis.
1:00:38In times of challenge where you're able
1:00:40to reflect rather than react,
1:00:43collaborate and communicate.
1:00:46Stop for a moment and think about a time
1:00:48when you felt regulated and solved a
1:00:50problem on your own or found a solution
1:00:53with someone else.
1:00:56If we're not successful in meeting and
1:00:58managing the challenge here, we move out
1:01:00of regulation into sympathetic
1:01:02mobilization and the energy of fight and
1:01:05flight.
1:01:06Pause here and remember a time when you
1:01:09experienced that intensely activating
1:01:11energy and were driven to stay and argue
1:01:14or felt desperate to get away.
1:01:19Finally, if taking action doesn't
1:01:21resolve the challenge and we feel
1:01:23trapped, we move to dorsal veagal
1:01:25shutdown.
1:01:27Think about a time when you felt a
1:01:29flavor of giving up or going along
1:01:31without really being present or caring.
1:01:36Because of the way the nervous system
1:01:37was formed, one building block on top of
1:01:40the other, in order to return to safety
1:01:43and regulation from the state of
1:01:45collapse, we have to travel through
1:01:47sympathetic mobilization without getting
1:01:50caught in a fight orflight response.
1:01:53A moment of safe mobilization can take
1:01:55many forms. It might start with a small
1:01:58body movement, a shared look with
1:02:00someone, or even a thought that feels
1:02:03like the beginning of a possibility.
1:02:06The essential element of this moment of
1:02:08mobilization is a return of energy that
1:02:12is not so big or intense that it becomes
1:02:14a cue of danger, but rather is felt as a
1:02:17cue of safety that shows the way back to
1:02:20regulation.
1:02:22From this safe starting point, we can
1:02:24continue to feel energy returning and
1:02:27find our way back to vententral
1:02:29regulation.
1:02:31It's a normal human experience to move
1:02:33through states in both small shifts and
1:02:36bigger ways many times a day.
1:02:39Consider the states you've already
1:02:41visited today in moments of ease, small
1:02:44moments that were slightly charged,
1:02:47others that felt empty, or even more
1:02:49intense moments of fight, flight, or
1:02:52collapse.
1:02:54Remember the common experience of moving
1:02:57in and out of states is not a barrier to
1:03:00well-being.
1:03:02It's only when we move out of safety and
1:03:04connection into one of the adaptive
1:03:06survival responses and can't find our
1:03:09way back to a state of regulation that
1:03:12we suffer physically and
1:03:14psychologically.
1:03:16Ventroveagal energy is the active
1:03:18ingredient in safety and connection.
1:03:21Without this regulating influence, we
1:03:24suffer physical, emotional, relational
1:03:27and spiritual distress.
1:03:29But when our vententral veagal state is
1:03:31active and in charge, the sympathetic
1:03:34and dorsal veagal systems work in the
1:03:36background and all three states work
1:03:39together creating physical and
1:03:41psychological well-being.
1:03:46Exploration befriending the autonomic
1:03:49hierarchy.
1:03:51With an understanding of the
1:03:52architecture, responsibilities and
1:03:55survival actions of each autonomic
1:03:57state, we can move from cognition to
1:04:00embodied awareness. Our starting point
1:04:03is in the state of healthy homeostasis.
1:04:07Here the vententral veagal energy is
1:04:08overseeing the entire system bringing
1:04:11regulation to allow the sympathetic and
1:04:14dorsal systems to work in the
1:04:16background.
1:04:17I often imagine my vententral veagal
1:04:20state surrounding the sympathetic and
1:04:22dorsal systems holding them in a warm
1:04:25embrace.
1:04:27The image I've been using recently for
1:04:29the vententral veagal state is a
1:04:31colorful umbrella that is sheltering the
1:04:34sympathetic and dorsal veagal states
1:04:36keeping them safe and dry.
1:04:39What image comes to mind for you?
1:04:43How does this come alive in your body?
1:04:47How does your energy flow when your
1:04:49three states are connected and
1:04:51communicating?
1:04:53Take a moment to find your image and
1:04:55notice this embodied sense of
1:04:57well-being.
1:05:02Next, explore what happens in your body
1:05:04when your sympathetic and dorsal states
1:05:06act on their own. Begin with a dorsal
1:05:09veagal state. What changes as you move
1:05:12from regulation to disconnection?
1:05:15Where does your body hold the feeling of
1:05:17collapse or shutdown?
1:05:21Move up into sympathetic mobilization.
1:05:24Let your nervous system show you the
1:05:26places in your body where you feel this
1:05:28state come alive.
1:05:32And now find a name for each of the
1:05:35three states. While you may ultimately
1:05:38choose to stick with the biological
1:05:40terms vententral, sympathetic, and
1:05:42dorsal, experiment with naming your
1:05:45states with your own labels. Turn
1:05:47inward, connect with each state again
1:05:50and see what names you hear.
1:05:53Eg. Sunny, stormy, foggy,
1:05:58flow, chaos, collapse,
1:06:02connected, activated, gone.
1:06:05Write down combinations of names that
1:06:08catch your interest and play with them
1:06:10until you find three that fit together
1:06:13and represent your experience.
1:06:16When we view a landscape, we see the
1:06:18ways it has been shaped both by human
1:06:21actions and natural events. We can
1:06:24explore our autonomic states through the
1:06:27imagery of landscapes.
1:06:29Each autonomic state has its own
1:06:31landscape.
1:06:33There are landscapes for our everyday
1:06:35non-reactive states, our survival
1:06:38states, and our state of safety and
1:06:40connection.
1:06:41In the following explorations, you're
1:06:44invited to use a journal to document
1:06:46your autonomic landscapes.
1:06:49Remember, you can document in written
1:06:50form with single words, bullet points,
1:06:53or a longer piece of writing. Or you
1:06:56might choose some form of art, i.e.
1:06:59Drawing photography collage
1:07:04exploration
1:07:06regulated landscapes.
1:07:09Begin by venturing into the world of
1:07:11vententral regulation.
1:07:13To find your way there, remember the
1:07:16name you gave this state and go to the
1:07:19place in your body where you feel the
1:07:21flow of regulating energy.
1:07:24Connect with a memory of a time when you
1:07:26felt a moment or even a micro moment of
1:07:29safety and connection.
1:07:32Experiment until you find your way to
1:07:34anchor in regulation.
1:07:38When you arrive, look around.
1:07:41You might see an actual environment,
1:07:44elements of the natural world, or a
1:07:46home. You might see colors or feel
1:07:49energy
1:07:51in this place of regulation that brings
1:07:53possibilities and invites exploration.
1:07:57Take some time to document what you find
1:07:59here.
1:08:02Next, we can explore the everyday
1:08:04experiences of the dorsal and
1:08:06sympathetic systems. Not their survival
1:08:09roles, but their daily actions that
1:08:12support health and well-being.
1:08:15Start with a slow and steady beat of
1:08:17your dorsal veagal system. What is the
1:08:21landscape here?
1:08:23What images, colors, words, and sense of
1:08:25energy live here?
1:08:28Document in your journal the features of
1:08:30the landscape in this safe everyday
1:08:33dorsal experience that brings nutrients
1:08:36to nourish you and is necessary for
1:08:38well-being.
1:08:42Now move to the landscape of your
1:08:44sympathetic system. Not as it activates
1:08:46in fight and flight, but in the safe
1:08:49mobilizing energy that supports heart
1:08:51and breath rhythms, regulates
1:08:53temperature and brings movement. What is
1:08:56it like here? What images, colors, and
1:08:59words appear?
1:09:01Notice the ways energy and movement are
1:09:04similar to or different from the dorsal
1:09:07landscape and document what you find.
1:09:13End by returning to where you began in
1:09:15the safety and regulation of a
1:09:17vententral veagal state and reflect on
1:09:19the three landscapes of your regulated
1:09:22nervous system.
1:09:26exploration survival landscapes
1:09:30with awareness of the regulated
1:09:32non-reactive landscapes. Our next
1:09:35exploration is a look at the survival
1:09:37landscapes. In order to get to know
1:09:40these places without getting pulled into
1:09:42them, we want to travel to the other
1:09:44states while keeping an anchor in the
1:09:46vententral landscape.
1:09:49My vententral veagal landscape is by the
1:09:51sea and I imagine taking a small beach
1:09:53stone with me to remind me that I'm
1:09:56safely anchored there. Look for
1:09:58something in your vententral landscape
1:10:00that you can take with you.
1:10:04With a reminder of your anchor in safety
1:10:06and regulation, make the trip to your
1:10:09dorsal state and see the survival
1:10:12landscape.
1:10:14Dip into a moment when you felt
1:10:15disconnected from the world and a flavor
1:10:18of hopelessness entered into your
1:10:20thoughts.
1:10:22Notice the ways it is different from the
1:10:23non-reactive everyday landscape.
1:10:27This survival landscape offers
1:10:29protection through disconnection and
1:10:31collapse. If you begin to feel pulled
1:10:34into shutdown, bring your attention to
1:10:37what you brought with you from your
1:10:38vententral landscape and remember you
1:10:41are still connected to the safety and
1:10:43regulation of that place.
1:10:46Use your journal to document the
1:10:48features of your dorsal veagal
1:10:50landscape.
1:10:53The next step is into the sympathetic
1:10:55survival state where there's too much
1:10:57energy. It's a bit disorganized, a bit
1:11:00chaotic, and you feel the flavor of
1:11:02fight and flight. Bring to mind a time
1:11:04when you were pulled into anxiety or
1:11:06anger, and take just a small step into
1:11:09that state. When you look around, what
1:11:11do you see? Remember, you brought a
1:11:14piece of your ventagal landscape with
1:11:16you to keep you from getting lost here
1:11:19and hijacked by the sympathetic survival
1:11:21energy.
1:11:23Document in your journal what you find
1:11:24here.
1:11:27To end this exercise, come back to where
1:11:30you began in the landscape of vententral
1:11:32veagal safety and connection. Rest here
1:11:35for a moment and take time to reflect on
1:11:38what you discovered in your two survival
1:11:41landscapes.
1:11:44The autonomic nervous system brings
1:11:46immobilizing, activating, and regulating
1:11:49actions. We have an inherent longing to
1:11:52be in the regulation of the vententral
1:11:54veagal system and an embodied wisdom on
1:11:58how to get there. The pathway back to
1:12:00connection from fight, flight or
1:12:03collapse is there in all of us. It may
1:12:06be obscured or not well traveled due to
1:12:09our personal life experiences but our
1:12:12biology knows the way and we can find
1:12:14our way home.
1:12:18Three, learning to listen.
1:12:22To me, the body says what words cannot.
1:12:25Martha Graham, New York Times interview,
1:12:281985.
1:12:31Listening is an essential part of
1:12:33befriending your autonomic nervous
1:12:35system. And in the beginning, it can
1:12:38feel very odd to tune in and listen.
1:12:41After all, this is an automatic system
1:12:44that works without the need for us to
1:12:46pay attention.
1:12:49With the act of listening and attending
1:12:51to what's happening in our bodies, we
1:12:54gain some management over our system and
1:12:57more regulation in our lives.
1:13:00When we learn to listen, we create the
1:13:03ability to reflect and not simply react.
1:13:06As we learn to partner with our nervous
1:13:09system, we begin to experience
1:13:11well-being.
1:13:14Partnering with the nervous system is a
1:13:16two-step process. First, we need to have
1:13:19an understanding of how the system
1:13:20works. And second, we need to use that
1:13:24information to create a life of
1:13:26well-being.
1:13:28I'm often asked if when we create a
1:13:30relationship with our nervous system, we
1:13:32discover that everything we feel and
1:13:35think and do is simply an outcome of our
1:13:37biology.
1:13:39For me, the answer to that question is
1:13:41no. Understanding how our autonomic
1:13:44nervous system works may take away the
1:13:47mystery of how we move through the
1:13:49world, but it also invites the magic of
1:13:52our human experience.
1:13:54When we understand how our biology
1:13:57creates the platform for our experiences
1:14:00and how our autonomic state sets the
1:14:02landscape for our stories, we can
1:14:04embrace the many magical moments that
1:14:07make life such an extraordinary
1:14:09miraculous experience.
1:14:13A polyagalinformed understanding of our
1:14:16feelings, thoughts, and behaviors offers
1:14:19a way to be with our experiences instead
1:14:22of being hijacked by them.
1:14:25When we're flooded by our emotions, we
1:14:27lose connection to regulation and lose
1:14:30the ability for reflection.
1:14:33From an anchor in vententral safety and
1:14:35regulation, we can connect to our states
1:14:38and listen to our stories with the
1:14:40distance needed for reflection.
1:14:44When we learn to listen to our nervous
1:14:46system, we create skills to turn toward
1:14:48our experiences with curiosity and
1:14:51regain the ability to respond rather
1:14:54than simply react.
1:14:57Autonomic listening is inextricably
1:14:59linked with the need for
1:15:00self-compassion.
1:15:03Self-compassion is an emergent property
1:15:05of the vententral veagal system.
1:15:08Survival states automatically activate
1:15:11self-criticism.
1:15:12So when we move out of safety and
1:15:14connection into a state of protection,
1:15:17we lose the capacity for
1:15:19self-compassion.
1:15:21With the ability to recognize a moment
1:15:23of distress and notice the autonomic
1:15:26state, we move into a moment of
1:15:29awareness instead of being simply swept
1:15:32deeper into disregulation.
1:15:36Kristen Nef and Chris Gurmer have
1:15:38developed a lovely simple compassion
1:15:41practice to use when we feel a moment of
1:15:44distress.
1:15:45To try this practice designed to help us
1:15:48move from self-criticism to
1:15:50self-compassion,
1:15:51bring up a moment when you felt distress
1:15:54and recite these three phrases.
1:15:57One, this is a moment of suffering.
1:16:02Two, suffering is a part of life.
1:16:07Three, may I be kind to myself.
1:16:11If it feels soothing, you can place a
1:16:14hand on your heart and repeat these
1:16:16phrases.
1:16:19Exploration, the language of the nervous
1:16:22system.
1:16:24Now, let's take the essence of the three
1:16:26phrases and rewrite them looking through
1:16:29the lens of the nervous system. My
1:16:32phrases sound like this. One, my nervous
1:16:36system is in a survival response.
1:16:40Two, moments of protection happen for
1:16:43everyone.
1:16:45Three, may I bring some vententral
1:16:48veagal energy to this moment.
1:16:51The first statement is a recognition
1:16:53that you have entered a state of
1:16:55disregulation.
1:16:57Find the words that describe your move
1:16:59out of connection into protection.
1:17:04The second statement recognizes the
1:17:06universal experience of dysregulation.
1:17:10What words convey that for you?
1:17:14And the third statement invites a moment
1:17:16or a micro moment of vententral veagal
1:17:19reconnection. How would you say that?
1:17:24Now with your three phrases, bring to
1:17:27mind a moment of distress. Either a
1:17:29moment of beginning to feel the energy
1:17:31of fight and flight or the pull out of
1:17:34connection into collapse.
1:17:36Let some of that survival energy into
1:17:38your system and say your three phrases
1:17:41to yourself.
1:17:43Do your phrases help you begin to find
1:17:45your way back to regulation where you
1:17:47have access to self-compassion?
1:17:50Rewrite your phrases if needed until you
1:17:53find the words that help you connect
1:17:55with self-compassion.
1:17:58By noticing a moment or a micro moment
1:18:01of autonomic dysregulation and bringing
1:18:04some self-compassion to it, we enter
1:18:07into a process of listening.
1:18:10The journalist and writing teacher
1:18:11Brenda Yuland once described listening
1:18:14as a magnetic and strange thing, a
1:18:17creative force.
1:18:19Listening to the autonomic nervous
1:18:21system is just that kind of experience.
1:18:24Once we begin, there's a powerful pull
1:18:27to continue and see where the listening
1:18:29will lead.
1:18:31While listening to the nervous system is
1:18:33an unfamiliar experience to be sure.
1:18:36When we are anchored in vententral
1:18:38regulation, we experience what is
1:18:41unfamiliar as interesting rather than as
1:18:44a cue of danger.
1:18:46Autonomic listening leads to an
1:18:48invitation to be creative in finding
1:18:50shaping practices that are just right
1:18:53for our nervous system.
1:18:56Engaging in moments of befriending and
1:18:58learning to listen change the way we see
1:19:01our own experience and the way we see
1:19:04the world. Our biology shapes each
1:19:07moment and informs how we navigate the
1:19:10world. We begin to understand ourselves
1:19:13and others in a new way when we
1:19:16understand patterns of autonomic
1:19:18responding.
1:19:21Much of the time we are carried on a
1:19:23stream of autonomic state shifts without
1:19:26conscious awareness.
1:19:28The nervous system reliably does its job
1:19:30in the background increasing and
1:19:32decreasing energy to meet the needs of
1:19:34the moment. Stop for a moment and listen
1:19:37in.
1:19:38Place a hand over your heart and connect
1:19:41to your heartbeat.
1:19:43Find your breath with a hand on your
1:19:45chest, abdomen, side ribs, or the small
1:19:48of your back or under your nostrils.
1:19:52Tune in to these autonomically guided
1:19:55rhythms.
1:19:57Take a moment and attend to each beat,
1:20:00each inhale and exhale.
1:20:03Feel how much energy and attention it
1:20:05takes.
1:20:07If we actually had to think about these
1:20:09autonomic functions, all of our
1:20:11attention would be focused on our
1:20:13biology.
1:20:14The automaticity of the autonomic
1:20:17nervous system makes it possible for us
1:20:19to attend to other things, to create, to
1:20:23imagine, and to connect with others in
1:20:25the world.
1:20:27While the autonomic nervous system works
1:20:29without the need for us to listen in and
1:20:31watch over it, learning to tune in to
1:20:34autonomic states is an important skill.
1:20:38We often have a thought or a feeling and
1:20:41take action without knowing what led us
1:20:43to those responses.
1:20:46Bring to mind a time when you held a
1:20:48belief without knowing where it came
1:20:50from. Maybe you found yourself thinking,
1:20:52"I'm a failure." or I'm a misfit or even
1:20:56I'm so blessed.
1:20:59Think about a time when you were caught
1:21:01in a feeling without understanding why.
1:21:04You might remember feeling sad even
1:21:06though you were in a group of happy
1:21:08people or waking up one morning with a
1:21:11feeling of excitement even though it was
1:21:13just an ordinary day. Look for a feeling
1:21:16that was unexpected.
1:21:20Finally, remember a time when you acted
1:21:22in a certain way without knowing why.
1:21:25Maybe you found yourself having an
1:21:27intense response to a situation that
1:21:29didn't make sense, or you were pulled
1:21:32into action without even thinking about
1:21:34it.
1:21:36We depend on our autonomic nervous
1:21:38system to guide us and protect us.
1:21:41We want our biology to regulate our
1:21:43breath and heart rhythms, activate
1:21:45energy and reinstate calm, and bring a
1:21:48thought, a feeling, or behavior that
1:21:51takes us toward or away from people,
1:21:53places, and experiences in just the
1:21:56right way for the present moment.
1:21:59We also want to be able to intentionally
1:22:01tune in and listen.
1:22:03Listening is an act of autonomic
1:22:05awareness and an essential ingredient in
1:22:09learning to regulate our systems. With
1:22:11awareness comes understanding and with
1:22:14understanding comes choice.
1:22:17The Marryiam Webster online dictionary
1:22:20defines listening as hearing something
1:22:22with thoughtful attention.
1:22:25As we learn to listen to our autonomic
1:22:27responses and hear where our system has
1:22:30taken us, we also need to bring the
1:22:33essential ingredient of thoughtful
1:22:35attention.
1:22:37When we come into awareness, we often
1:22:40feel judgment and self-criticism.
1:22:43We move into meaning making, forgetting
1:22:46that our biology is not assigning
1:22:48motivation or making moral meaning, but
1:22:51simply responding. Instead of
1:22:54attributing intention to our autonomic
1:22:56actions, we need to remember that our
1:22:59behaviors, feelings, and beliefs are
1:23:02emerging from an autonomic state. And
1:23:05our autonomic nervous system is working
1:23:07in service of our survival. The
1:23:10challenge is to learn to tune in and
1:23:13turn toward your nervous system,
1:23:15bringing curiosity and compassion to the
1:23:17experience and stay out of judgment and
1:23:20self-criticism as you explore where your
1:23:23autonomic nervous system takes you. Some
1:23:26of the phrases I use to tune in and turn
1:23:29toward are as follows. It's my biology
1:23:32wanting to send me a message.
1:23:35My job is just to listen.
1:23:38I can tune in, turn toward, and listen
1:23:41without needing to make meaning.
1:23:45What can you say to yourself to bring
1:23:47curiosity and self-compassion to the
1:23:50process of listening?
1:23:52You'll know when you find the phrase
1:23:53that fits when your autonomic nervous
1:23:56system says yes. Not when your brain
1:23:59says yes, but when your biology says
1:24:01yes.
1:24:03The autonomic nervous system has an
1:24:05important role in our experiences of
1:24:07approaching, avoiding, and feeling
1:24:10ambivalent.
1:24:11Each autonomic state plays a part in how
1:24:14we say yes, no, and maybe.
1:24:18Knowing the many different ways these
1:24:20experiences emerge, and being able to
1:24:23identify which state is sending the
1:24:24message are essential skills.
1:24:30Exploration the autonomic experiences of
1:24:33yes, no, and maybe.
1:24:37Start by exploring the different
1:24:38qualities of saying no. How do you say
1:24:42no when driven by your sympathetic
1:24:44system and the mobilized energy that
1:24:46comes from fight and flight?
1:24:49What are the qualities of saying no when
1:24:51you're in a dorsal collapse, not caring
1:24:54what happens?
1:24:56And what is the experience when you're
1:24:58anchored in vententral regulation and
1:25:00setting a boundary from a state of
1:25:02safety?
1:25:05Now, think of something you're unsure
1:25:07about. How does your autonomic nervous
1:25:09system show you an ambivalent response?
1:25:13Experiment with the ways each of your
1:25:15states send you a message.
1:25:17Explore the ways you say maybe when
1:25:19you're charged with too much energy,
1:25:22fueled by fear or anxiety, and not able
1:25:24to make a decision. Feel
1:25:27the flavor of saying maybe that emerges
1:25:29when your energy drains away and you're
1:25:32feeling hopeless, unable to even process
1:25:35the question.
1:25:37Find the regulated experience of
1:25:39ambivalence where you feel safe and able
1:25:42to say maybe in a way that opens the
1:25:44door to possibilities.
1:25:47And finally, move to something that's a
1:25:49yes for you. How does your autonomic
1:25:52nervous system show you that? What does
1:25:54saying yes sound like and feel like when
1:25:57someone makes a demand and you feel you
1:25:59have no choice but to agree?
1:26:02What happens when you say yes from a
1:26:04place of despair where you don't have
1:26:06the energy to care? What happens?
1:26:09And how do you say yes when you are in a
1:26:11regulated state of safety and feel like
1:26:14you have a choice about your response?
1:26:17Practice saying yes from an anchor in
1:26:19vententral regulation where you're
1:26:21willing to engage and interested in
1:26:23moving forward.
1:26:27Exploration, anchoring, and curiosity.
1:26:31With this new way of knowing how your
1:26:33system sends you information about no,
1:26:36maybe, and yes, the next step is to turn
1:26:40your attention to finding a phrase that
1:26:42helps you say a regulated yes and stay
1:26:45anchored in the state of listening with
1:26:47curiosity.
1:26:49A phrase I use is, "I'm ready to see
1:26:52what's possible."
1:26:54Play with words until you find ones that
1:26:57support you in saying yes to exploring
1:27:00the process of tuning in and listening
1:27:03to your nervous system.
1:27:05Use your phrase to anchor in curiosity
1:27:08and stay out of judgment as we explore a
1:27:12new way of listening.
1:27:15Bring your attention to where you are in
1:27:17this moment. What state are you
1:27:20inhabiting right now?
1:27:22You might think back to chapter 2 when
1:27:25you first explored the qualities of the
1:27:27vententral, sympathetic, and dorsal
1:27:29states. The vententral feelings of being
1:27:32safe, connected, organized, and
1:27:35resourced.
1:27:36The sympathetic flood of mobilizing
1:27:38energy that takes you out of connection
1:27:40into fight and flight.
1:27:42The dorsal place of collapsing, numbing,
1:27:45and disappearing.
1:27:47Use those markers to identify where you
1:27:49are right now. What state is alive?
1:27:54You can use the phrase you created to
1:27:56help anchor in curiosity so you can
1:27:58safely travel inward and notice the
1:28:01state.
1:28:04As you begin to get comfortable with
1:28:06this way of listening, expand the
1:28:08practice from the present moment to the
1:28:10recent past.
1:28:12Start by thinking about the past five
1:28:14minutes and where your autonomic nervous
1:28:16system took you. What states did you
1:28:19visit?
1:28:21The focus is to simply tune in and
1:28:24listen without being pulled into meaning
1:28:26making. With practice, you might decide
1:28:30to expand your reflection to 15 minutes
1:28:32or longer. As you gain skill in this way
1:28:36of reflecting, you might want to stop
1:28:38during the day and listen periodically
1:28:40or make time to reflect at the end of
1:28:42the day. There's no one way to practice.
1:28:46Rather, the work is defined by the time
1:28:49that your nervous system says yes to.
1:28:53However you listen, this exploration is
1:28:56a way to connect and bring awareness to
1:28:59the autonomic states that you experience
1:29:01as you move through your day.
1:29:04This is the foundation of learning to
1:29:06listen. As you tune in and bring
1:29:09awareness to your states, begin to
1:29:11explore some of these questions. Are
1:29:14these familiar places?
1:29:17Have you found a state that you don't
1:29:18visit very often?
1:29:21Do you see a pattern that you know well,
1:29:24or is there an interesting new pattern
1:29:26emerging?
1:29:28Remember, this is an information
1:29:30gathering experience, not a
1:29:32meaning-making one.
1:29:34Take time to reflect and document what
1:29:37you're learning in your journal.
1:29:41exploration outside in and inside out.
1:29:47Having completed this beginning
1:29:48exploration of how to listen with
1:29:50self-compassion and curiosity,
1:29:53we can now think about the two different
1:29:55ways to listen, from the outside in and
1:29:58the inside out. For many of us in the
1:30:02beginning, it's easier to start with
1:30:04listening from the outside in.
1:30:07You can use the following questions to
1:30:09begin to listen from the outside in.
1:30:12Where am I? Locate yourself in time and
1:30:16space.
1:30:19What's happening in the environment?
1:30:23Who is around?
1:30:27What am I doing?
1:30:30What state has been activated?
1:30:34Notice that the questions are designed
1:30:36to evoke curiosity,
1:30:38identify concrete external experiences,
1:30:42and lead you to identifying your
1:30:43autonomic state. Use these five
1:30:46questions to practice listening from the
1:30:49outside in.
1:30:51Listening from the inside out is an
1:30:54equally important way to connect. And
1:30:57just like with listening from the
1:30:58outside in, the goal as you explore this
1:31:02way of listening is to stay in curiosity
1:31:05and out of meaning making.
1:31:08What am I sensing in my body?
1:31:11Where is energy moving?
1:31:14Where is energy not moving?
1:31:18Do I feel filled?
1:31:20Do I feel empty?
1:31:24What state is active in this moment?
1:31:29Similar to the first list, these
1:31:31questions are also designed to evoke
1:31:34curiosity.
1:31:35This time by bringing attention to
1:31:37internal experiences to support
1:31:40connection with your autonomic state.
1:31:44To end this chapter, let's listen one
1:31:47more time to the messages from your
1:31:49nervous system. Imagine you're an
1:31:52autonomic explorer learning about your
1:31:55nervous system. Pause for just a moment.
1:31:59Step out of the stream of activity that
1:32:01surrounds you and move into connection
1:32:03with your inner world of autonomic
1:32:05activity.
1:32:07You might metaphorically take that step
1:32:10into inner connection. Or you might want
1:32:12to physically step out of the flow of
1:32:14the world around you and into a space
1:32:17that brings the quiet you need to turn
1:32:19inward and listen.
1:32:22Leave behind any need to make meaning
1:32:25and come to the place where you can
1:32:27simply be curious about the workings of
1:32:29your autonomic nervous system.
1:32:33Settle into that place for just a
1:32:34moment.
1:32:36Remember you're just listening with
1:32:38thoughtful attention.
1:32:40What autonomic energies do you sense
1:32:43stirring?
1:32:44What's the message your nervous system
1:32:46is sending?
1:32:49Tune in and turn toward those messages
1:32:52with curiosity and listen without
1:32:54judgment.
1:32:56When you've heard what your nervous
1:32:58system wants you to know, come back into
1:33:00the present moment and outward
1:33:02awareness.
1:33:04Bring the sense of connection with your
1:33:06autonomic nervous system with you.
1:33:09Remember this inner connection is always
1:33:12available to you. Make an intention to
1:33:15continue to tune in and listen.
1:33:20The nervous system speaks in its own
1:33:22language. And in order to listen, we
1:33:25need to understand that language.
1:33:28Becoming fluent in a new language takes
1:33:30time and practice.
1:33:32When we enter into the conversation with
1:33:34curiosity,
1:33:36we begin to connect with the energy that
1:33:39is just beneath the surface of awareness
1:33:41and hear the autonomic stories that are
1:33:44shaping our days.
1:33:47Four, the longing for connection.
1:33:52I am human because I belong to the
1:33:54whole, to the community, to the nation,
1:33:57to the tribe, to the earth. Archbishop
1:34:00Desmond Tutu. Forward to dignity.
1:34:05We come into the world wired for
1:34:07connection. With our first breath, we
1:34:10embark on a lifelong quest to feel safe
1:34:12in our bodies, in our environments, in
1:34:15our relationships with others.
1:34:18As my colleague Steven Porges has often
1:34:20expressed to me, our longing is not
1:34:23simply to feel safe, but to feel safe in
1:34:25the arms of another. Co-regulation is
1:34:29what is called a biological imperative.
1:34:32Meaning we don't survive without it. We
1:34:35are born needing to be welcomed by
1:34:37another human being. And this essential
1:34:39need lasts for a lifetime.
1:34:42Evolutionary biologist Theodosius
1:34:45Djansski spoke to this in his book
1:34:48Mankind Evolving when he wrote, "The
1:34:52fittest may also be the gentlest because
1:34:54survival often requires mutual help and
1:34:57cooperation."
1:34:59The stories of children living in
1:35:01orphanages or growing up in homes
1:35:04without predictably safe adults
1:35:06illustrate what happens when basic
1:35:08survival needs are met, but there is no
1:35:11safe and predictable sense of connection
1:35:13to another person.
1:35:15Without those connections, we have more
1:35:18difficulty regulating emotions,
1:35:20experience low self-esteem, and struggle
1:35:23to create lasting healthy relationships.
1:35:27While we may give up the active search
1:35:29for people to connect with, our nervous
1:35:31system never stops looking for, waiting
1:35:34for, and longing for connection.
1:35:37Until the day we die, we long for safe
1:35:40and reliable connections.
1:35:42Co-regulation is essential first for
1:35:45survival and then for living a life of
1:35:48well-being.
1:35:50To meet our needs for connection, it's
1:35:52not necessary to have relationships that
1:35:54are always in balance.
1:35:56Rather, we require relationships that
1:35:59are reciprocal.
1:36:00In fact, we build resilience in
1:36:03relationships where we feel connected,
1:36:05experience a rupture, and find our way
1:36:08back to repair. It's only when ruptures
1:36:11happen without repair that our longing
1:36:13for connection brings suffering. The
1:36:16cycle of reciprocity, rupture, and
1:36:18repair is the nature of healthy
1:36:21relationships.
1:36:23We are wired for connection, wish for
1:36:25connection, and wait for connection. And
1:36:28yet so often it's been in our
1:36:30connections that we have felt not seen,
1:36:32not understood, not welcomed, and not
1:36:35safe.
1:36:37Zeburn Fischer, a leading expert on
1:36:39neuro feedback, offers that when we miss
1:36:42experiences of being with other people
1:36:44with whom we can safely and predictably
1:36:46co-regulate, what she calls an
1:36:49organizing other, our nervous system is
1:36:52stunned. At an embodied level, we are
1:36:55nourished in moments of connection with
1:36:57people who are regulated, safe, and
1:36:59welcoming and shocked when we don't have
1:37:02enough of those experiences.
1:37:05The lack of connection brings health
1:37:07consequences and creates a daily
1:37:09experience of suffering.
1:37:12The research on the consequences of
1:37:14being out of connection shows that when
1:37:16we are lonely, we are at a higher risk
1:37:18for physical disease and psychological
1:37:21disease.
1:37:23Our immune function is impacted and we
1:37:25have higher levels of inflammation and a
1:37:28higher risk for cancer, heart disease,
1:37:30and diabetes.
1:37:32We suffer with ongoing anxiety or
1:37:35depression and as we age these risks
1:37:38increase. Interestingly, the research
1:37:41shows that it is not our actual
1:37:43circumstances but rather a perception of
1:37:46being lonely that creates the risk. We
1:37:49can be surrounded by people and feel
1:37:51connected or be surrounded by people and
1:37:54feel profoundly alone.
1:37:57Think about a time when you were with
1:37:59people and felt disconnected and a time
1:38:01when you were with people and felt
1:38:03connected. Both are common experiences.
1:38:07The first takes you either to
1:38:08sympathetic fight and flight or dorsal
1:38:10shutdown and collapse and the second
1:38:13helps you feel anchored in vententral
1:38:15safety and connection.
1:38:19The social engagement system.
1:38:22Our biology has evolved to include a
1:38:24system known as the social engagement
1:38:26system. When the ventilagal building
1:38:29block was added, five circuits came into
1:38:32connection in the brain stem and the
1:38:34human social engagement system came to
1:38:36life. The vententral veagal pathway to
1:38:39the heart joined with nerves that
1:38:42control our eyes, ears, voice, and the
1:38:44way we move our head make the social
1:38:47engagement system truly a biological
1:38:49face heart connection.
1:38:53To locate your social engagement system,
1:38:55start by placing your hands at the base
1:38:57of your skull where your brain stem
1:38:59meets your spinal cord. This is the hub
1:39:02of the social engagement system.
1:39:05And now place one hand on the side of
1:39:07your face and the other over your heart.
1:39:12Imagine energy moving between your
1:39:14hands, traveling from your face to your
1:39:16heart and your heart to your face.
1:39:19Follow this pathway in both directions.
1:39:23It is through this face heart connection
1:39:24that we listen for sounds of welcome,
1:39:27look for friendly faces, and turn and
1:39:30tilt our heads in search of safety.
1:39:33Micro moment to micro moment through our
1:39:35eyes, ears, voice, and head movements.
1:39:38Our social engagement system broadcasts
1:39:41an invitation for connection with
1:39:43someone or sends them a warning to keep
1:39:45their distance. In addition to sending
1:39:48signals of welcome or warning, our
1:39:50social engagement system looks for signs
1:39:52from others to let us know it's safe to
1:39:55come into connection.
1:39:58Exploration
1:39:59elements of the social engagement
1:40:01system.
1:40:03Signals from the eyes.
1:40:05We can explore the elements of the
1:40:07social engagement system one at a time.
1:40:10Starting with the eyes. Around our eyes
1:40:13is a muscle called the ovicularis oculi.
1:40:17This muscle opens and closes the eyelid
1:40:19and contributes to our crow's feet, the
1:40:22wrinkles around our eyes that are part
1:40:24of our autonomic story. The upper third
1:40:27of the face is where the autonomic
1:40:29nervous system looks first to see if
1:40:31someone is a friend or a foe. Our eyes
1:40:35commonly shift many times a day.
1:40:37Sometimes sending a stare or glare,
1:40:40other moments moving into a neutral
1:40:42look, and still other times offering a
1:40:44warm, inviting gaze. Let's experiment
1:40:47with these three ways of looking. Start
1:40:50with a stare by sending a strong focused
1:40:53look with a hint of a glare. You might
1:40:56feel your eyes reaching out from their
1:40:58sockets as you send a message with a
1:41:00clear agenda.
1:41:03And now shift to a more neutral way of
1:41:05looking. This is a less strongly focused
1:41:07action where you might feel your eyes
1:41:09settling back into their sockets a bit.
1:41:12This way of looking doesn't carry a lot
1:41:14of information and can be confusing to
1:41:16another person as they attempt to assess
1:41:19danger and safety.
1:41:21And finally end with a gaze. Send a warm
1:41:25soft look. Feel your eyes resting easily
1:41:29in their sockets as you extend an
1:41:31invitation for connection and send
1:41:33signals of safety.
1:41:36We naturally move through these nuanced
1:41:38ways of looking many times a day without
1:41:41the important element of context. See
1:41:43chapter 1. We move toward or away from
1:41:47connection depending on how the look we
1:41:49receive is filtered through our own past
1:41:51experiences.
1:41:54sounds of safety and danger. The ears
1:41:58are another important part of the social
1:42:00engagement system. When we're feeling
1:42:02safe and regulated, our hearing is tuned
1:42:04to the frequency of the human voice, and
1:42:07we listen for sounds of friendship. When
1:42:10we begin to feel anxious or uneasy, we
1:42:13listen for sounds of danger and the
1:42:15presence of predators in order to stay
1:42:17safe. Low frequency sounds commonly
1:42:20bring either a flight or collapse
1:42:23response, while highfrequency sounds
1:42:25draw our attention as we look to find
1:42:28the source of what's wrong. You can
1:42:30explore your autonomic response to sound
1:42:33by listening to different sounds and
1:42:35noticing if you are pulled toward
1:42:37connection with a desire to come closer
1:42:40or want to move away and disconnect.
1:42:43The environment around us is filled with
1:42:46sound, creating what is known as a
1:42:48soundsscape.
1:42:49Take some time and begin to tune into
1:42:52your soundsscape. What are the sounds
1:42:54around you?
1:42:56As you listen, let your awareness move
1:42:58beneath the first layer of sound and
1:43:01tune into the variety of sounds that
1:43:03make up your soundsscape.
1:43:06Begin to notice the soundsscapes that
1:43:08surround you as you move through your
1:43:09day and the ways your nervous system
1:43:11responds.
1:43:13The soundsscape I find by the sea is
1:43:16where I feel welcomed. Where are the
1:43:19soundsscapes that invite you in?
1:43:22Our soundsscapes are filled with
1:43:24particular sounds called sound marks.
1:43:27Some sound marks help us anchor in
1:43:29regulation while others prompt a move
1:43:31into mobilization or shutdown.
1:43:34For me, waves and the sound of the ocean
1:43:37anchor me in vententral, while for
1:43:39others, the same sound marks can
1:43:41activate a move into sympathetic fight
1:43:43and flight or dorsal shutdown.
1:43:47Tune into the sound marks in the
1:43:48different environments you encounter.
1:43:51Which ones welcome you and which ones
1:43:53send a warning?
1:43:55Imagine a soundsscape that helps you
1:43:57anchor in vententral and notice the
1:44:00sound marks that are important to you.
1:44:03When we can identify sound marks that
1:44:06help us anchor in safety and regulation,
1:44:08we can begin to shape our soundsscapes
1:44:10to be autonomically nourishing.
1:44:14The word procity is used to describe the
1:44:17inflection and rhythm of a voice.
1:44:20Procity can be thought of as the music
1:44:22of our voice. Through our tone and the
1:44:25rise and fall of our voice as we speak,
1:44:28we transmit our underlying intention.
1:44:31The nervous system listens to this
1:44:33intonation before it takes in any
1:44:36information.
1:44:37When we hear a tone that welcomes, we
1:44:40tune into the conversation.
1:44:43And when we hear a tone of warning, we
1:44:45pay attention to cues of danger and miss
1:44:47the meaning of the words. We listen to
1:44:50the sounds of the words before we look
1:44:53for the meaning of those words.
1:44:56In addition to words, we often
1:44:58communicate through non-language sounds
1:45:00called vocal bursts. These are sounds
1:45:03like m, huh, and uh-oh that we commonly
1:45:08use in everyday conversations.
1:45:11Vocal bursts are universally understood
1:45:13sounds. They are recognized across
1:45:15cultures and even across species. We use
1:45:18these sounds when we talk to our pets.
1:45:21We communicate clearly without needing
1:45:24words. It's reassuring to remember that
1:45:27when words are hard to find and we don't
1:45:29quite know what to say, we can use a
1:45:31vocal burst and reliably transmit our
1:45:34intentions to another person.
1:45:38Messages from head movements.
1:45:41Finally, we can look at the ways we tilt
1:45:43and turn our heads. There is a natural
1:45:46movement of the head, a slight turn and
1:45:48a tilt that is a sign of safety.
1:45:52You can get a sense of this by noticing
1:45:54what happens when you talk while keeping
1:45:56your head straight and unmoving and
1:45:58comparing that to what happens when you
1:46:00talk and let your head move in a way
1:46:02that feels natural. While this may seem
1:46:05like a simple unimportant movement, in
1:46:08fact, when we turn and tilt our heads,
1:46:10we are sending meaningful signals of
1:46:12safety.
1:46:15Pathways of connection.
1:46:18We are nourished by the essential
1:46:20connections to self, to others, to the
1:46:22world, and to spirit. These connections
1:46:25are grounded in the nervous system. When
1:46:28we are anchored in vententral safety and
1:46:30regulation, we are ready for connection.
1:46:33When we lose our anchor in vententral,
1:46:35we also lose our capacity for
1:46:37connection.
1:46:38Each of the four connections, self,
1:46:41other, world, and spirit is important
1:46:43for well-being.
1:46:45We have our own individual needs around
1:46:47the combination of connections that
1:46:49helps us feel nourished and our own
1:46:52individual ways of utilizing each
1:46:54pathway rather than an equation we solve
1:46:57once. The ratios are always changing.
1:47:01Our work is to tune in and know what's
1:47:04needed today, this week, or even in this
1:47:08moment.
1:47:09We need to listen not to the stories
1:47:11that our brain tells us about what we
1:47:14need or what the people around us think
1:47:16we need, but to what our nervous system
1:47:18is asking for. When we are anchored in
1:47:22vententral safety and regulation, we can
1:47:24bring curiosity to the combination of
1:47:27connections that nurture and sustain us.
1:47:31Exploration for connections.
1:47:34Connection with self. What happens when
1:47:37we turn to connect inward? Roomie in his
1:47:41poem the guest house wrote this being
1:47:44human is a guest house. And Walt Whitman
1:47:47in his poem song of myself 51 wrote I am
1:47:52large I contain multitudes.
1:47:55The internal family systems IFS model
1:47:58developed by Richard Schwarz reminds us
1:48:01that we are all a normal multiplicity.
1:48:04We are an integrated system, both one
1:48:07and many. We all have parts.
1:48:10In fact, it's a common occurrence to
1:48:12talk about our parts in daily
1:48:14conversations.
1:48:16There's a part of me that wants to go
1:48:18out and meet my friends and a part of me
1:48:20that's happy to stay home.
1:48:23There's a part of me that's worried
1:48:24about writing this book and a part of me
1:48:26that's excited to share my passion for
1:48:28polyagal theory. When we are anchored in
1:48:31the regulating energy of our ventilagal
1:48:34system, the following sentence can help
1:48:36us feel an internal sense of connection.
1:48:40Try filling in this sentence and see
1:48:42what inner connections you find. There's
1:48:44a part of me that and a part of me that.
1:48:50Reflection practices strengthen our
1:48:52connection to self. The explorations in
1:48:55this book that take you inside to be
1:48:57with the many flavors of your autonomic
1:48:59experiences are a way of connecting. In
1:49:03addition to ongoing intentional
1:49:05practice, simply stopping during the day
1:49:08to take a moment just to be with
1:49:10yourself, to briefly turn inward and
1:49:12listen builds those pathways of
1:49:15connection.
1:49:18Connection with others. Feel your social
1:49:21engagement system light up.
1:49:23If you want, you can place one hand on
1:49:25your heart and the other on the side of
1:49:28your face to find the pathways of this
1:49:30face art connection.
1:49:32Look out into the world and sense the
1:49:34ways you're connected with other people.
1:49:37Consider the ways you engage. You might
1:49:40connect remotely through text, email,
1:49:42phone, or video conference. You might
1:49:45have in-person connection through
1:49:46regularly scheduled activities or in
1:49:48the- moment invitations.
1:49:51Take stock of the ways you connect at
1:49:53work, at play, at home, with family, and
1:49:56with friends.
1:49:58As you consider the ways you come into
1:50:00connection, first think about what's
1:50:03working.
1:50:04Who are the people in your life with
1:50:06whom you feel a connection?
1:50:08What are the things you do together that
1:50:10foster that connection?
1:50:12Then explore what you might want to try.
1:50:15Who would you like to invite into
1:50:17connection?
1:50:18What would you do to explore making new
1:50:21connections?
1:50:24Connection with the world. We connect
1:50:27with the world by the ways we inhabit
1:50:29our space and feel at home. We know we
1:50:32are home when we also know what it feels
1:50:34like to not be at home. Through our
1:50:37nervous system, we have an embodied
1:50:39experience of home and not home. It's
1:50:42only when we experience both sides that
1:50:45we have a way to compare and contrast
1:50:47and recognize where we are. When we
1:50:50listen to our nervous system, we can
1:50:52tune into three stories. We can hear a
1:50:55story of being home in vententral safety
1:50:57and connection and two different stories
1:51:00of being away from home.
1:51:02One story of being away from home arises
1:51:05from the dorsal state of collapse and
1:51:07brings with it a sense of being
1:51:09homeless, forever lost in an unfamiliar
1:51:12land. The other story of being away from
1:51:16home comes out of intense sympathetic
1:51:18mobilization and activates a desperate
1:51:21search to find the way home.
1:51:24The story of being home is one of safety
1:51:27and connection that is guided by the
1:51:29flow of a regulated nervous system.
1:51:32This story is one of belonging.
1:51:36The poem, this urge for here by my dear
1:51:39friend Gary Whitead is to me a story of
1:51:42being home.
1:51:45The sleeping dog by the stove. The
1:51:48cardinal calling in the maples out back.
1:51:52That touch of wooden floor on bare feet.
1:51:56This taste of tea.
1:51:58Oh, urge grow deeper. Help me stay here.
1:52:03Take some time to turn inward and listen
1:52:06to your three stories. How does your
1:52:09nervous system send you the message of
1:52:10feeling lost, unable to find the way
1:52:13home?
1:52:14What happens when you are frantically
1:52:17searching for the road home?
1:52:19And what is your embodied experience of
1:52:21coming home?
1:52:24Spend some time getting to know both
1:52:26sides of the experience, home and not
1:52:28home. Explore the feelings in your body,
1:52:32the words that accompany the feelings,
1:52:34and the actions you were drawn to from
1:52:36each experience.
1:52:39No matter where we are in the world, we
1:52:42can take the feeling of being home with
1:52:43us. One of the ways I feel held in my
1:52:46story of home is a simple morning
1:52:49routine of drinking coffee and engaging
1:52:51in a morning conversation through text
1:52:53messages with a friend. It doesn't
1:52:56matter that we live in different parts
1:52:57of the country or that we travel to
1:53:00different time zones. I know she'll read
1:53:02my message with her morning coffee just
1:53:04as I read hers with mine. Through this
1:53:07simple morning routine, I feel the
1:53:10predictability of co-regulation across
1:53:12time and space. And that brings me an
1:53:14embodied sense of home. What is a simple
1:53:17way that you experience home? As you
1:53:20look at your familiar routines, is there
1:53:22one that carries the story of home?
1:53:26In addition to our everyday story of
1:53:28home, I think we also have a more
1:53:30expansive experience of our soul feeling
1:53:33at home. When I've been away from the
1:53:36water for too long, there's an autonomic
1:53:38ache that's deep and persistent, and I
1:53:41know I have to find my way to the sea.
1:53:44Other people find their soul is at home
1:53:46in the forest, in the mountains, in the
1:53:49desert, or on the prairie. There are all
1:53:52sorts of environments that we call home.
1:53:55What is the environment that your soul
1:53:57needs to feel at home? How do you feel
1:54:00that experience of homecoming?
1:54:04Connection with spirit.
1:54:07While my connections to self, others in
1:54:09the world are pretty stable, I find my
1:54:12connection to spirit continues to
1:54:13unfold.
1:54:15A number of years ago, I was
1:54:17experiencing a moment of desperation. I
1:54:20was out of options and needed help and
1:54:22in that moment asked the universe for
1:54:24guidance. I'm not a religious person, so
1:54:27what happened was surprising. Mother
1:54:30Mary showed up behind my right shoulder.
1:54:33I could see her and feel her present and
1:54:35I was filled with a sense of awe. While
1:54:38the sense of her actual presence es and
1:54:41flows, the energy stays with me and
1:54:44brings me the embodied knowing that I am
1:54:46not alone.
1:54:48What does a spiritual connection feel
1:54:49like to you?
1:54:51We connect in many ways, including
1:54:53through spiritual beings, spirit
1:54:55animals, energetic beings, and ancestral
1:54:58connections.
1:55:00Invite a connection to spirit in
1:55:02whatever form it arrives for you in this
1:55:04moment.
1:55:07Connection through each of the four
1:55:09pathways we've explored is one way to
1:55:11nourish the nervous system. We can think
1:55:14of this as filling our autonomic tanks.
1:55:17We need to know how full our tanks are.
1:55:20So to start, come up with an image for
1:55:22the gauge on your autonomic tank.
1:55:26Draw the gauge. Mark the increments
1:55:28full, 3/4, half, a quarter, and empty.
1:55:33And then get each of your measures names
1:55:36that fit your experience. I use the
1:55:39image of a gas gauge in my car and label
1:55:41my increments full, filling, good
1:55:45enough, draining, and depleted.
1:55:49Exploration. Filling your autonomic
1:55:52tank.
1:55:53Now that you have your image and words,
1:55:56use your gauge to explore how full your
1:55:58tank is. As you look at the four
1:56:01pathways of self, other, the world, and
1:56:03spirit, where do you feel abundance, and
1:56:06where do you feel longing?
1:56:09First, consider the individual ways of
1:56:11connecting and identify where your gauge
1:56:14is for each, which pathways are full or
1:56:16filling, and which are heading toward
1:56:18empty.
1:56:20And now reflect on how your connection
1:56:23to self, others, the world, and spirit
1:56:25are working together to fill your
1:56:27autonomic tank. When you put the
1:56:30pathways together, where on your gauge
1:56:33are you? What are the combinations that
1:56:36are working and what are the connections
1:56:37your system is wanting in this moment?
1:56:40Take time to document what feels
1:56:42important for you to know and remember,
1:56:47from lonely to connected.
1:56:50Pablo Nuda in Ode and Burgeonings wrote,
1:56:53"And one by one the knights between our
1:56:56separated cities are joined to the night
1:56:59that unites us."
1:57:01In today's world, we seem to be focused
1:57:04on individuality and often assign more
1:57:07significance to our separateness than to
1:57:10our connections.
1:57:11We need to remember that our capacity to
1:57:14flourish on our own is built on a
1:57:17foundation of first being safely
1:57:19connected.
1:57:21And even as we move from co-regulation
1:57:23to self-regulation,
1:57:25we never lose the need to be safely
1:57:27connected with others. As long as we are
1:57:30alive, moments of both co-regulation and
1:57:33self-regulation are necessary for
1:57:36well-being.
1:57:38We enter the world needing to
1:57:40co-regulate to survive. And with enough
1:57:42experiences of safety and co-regulation,
1:57:45we learn to self-regulate.
1:57:48Without the early experiences of safely
1:57:51co-regulating,
1:57:52self-regulating strategies are created
1:57:54as a survival response.
1:57:57While we might look like we are doing
1:57:59well, our internal experience is one of
1:58:02sympathetically driven fear. When we
1:58:05build a pattern of acting from a
1:58:07survival state, we suffer both
1:58:09physically and psychologically.
1:58:11We may be successful in the world, but
1:58:14we don't feel satisfied or find joy in
1:58:16our experiences.
1:58:19Consider the ways you use self and
1:58:21co-regulation.
1:58:23If you had people early in life who were
1:58:25predictably present and offered safe
1:58:27co-regulating experiences, it's more
1:58:30likely that your ability to
1:58:32self-regulate comes from a foundation of
1:58:35co-regulation.
1:58:37As you navigate your world, you are
1:58:39reminded that you are safe and the world
1:58:41is a safe place to be. There are people
1:58:44you can count on, people you care about,
1:58:46and people to connect with. If you
1:58:49missed those safe, predictable,
1:58:51co-regulating experiences in your early
1:58:53life and haven't had enough experiences
1:58:56of that yet, it's more likely that you
1:58:59self-regulate from an autonomic state of
1:59:01survival.
1:59:03As you navigate your world from this
1:59:05place, you think you are on your own,
1:59:08can't depend on others, and have to do
1:59:10it all by yourself.
1:59:13Steven Porges describes trauma as a
1:59:16chronic disruption of connectedness.
1:59:19The research tells us that experiences
1:59:22of connection and experiences of
1:59:24loneliness predict wellness, illness,
1:59:27and mortality.
1:59:28Studies show us that how connected or
1:59:30lonely we feel impacts the ways our body
1:59:33responds to viruses, the health of our
1:59:36hearts, our cognitive abilities, and
1:59:39even how long we live.
1:59:42John Cassiopo, a pioneer in the research
1:59:45on loneliness, reminds us that humans
1:59:48are social beings and our nature is to
1:59:51recognize, interact, and form
1:59:53relationships with others. Connection
1:59:56with others is about a sense of
1:59:57belonging and creating a shared sense of
2:00:00safety.
2:00:02Belonging is not just a psychological
2:00:04state. It's a biological need. Social
2:00:07connection is a necessary ingredient for
2:00:10a life of well-being.
2:00:13One way to explore your experience of
2:00:15connection is with this short version of
2:00:17the UCLA loneliness scale. On a scale of
2:00:22hardly ever, some of the time, and
2:00:24often, answer the following three
2:00:27questions.
2:00:28One, how often do you feel that you lack
2:00:31companionship?
2:00:34Two, how often do you feel left out?
2:00:38Three, how often do you feel isolated
2:00:40from others?
2:00:43Now score your answers. Hardly ever
2:00:46equals 1. Some of the time equals 2.
2:00:51Often equals 3. Total scores run along a
2:00:55continuum from 3 to 9, moving from least
2:00:58lonely to most lonely.
2:01:01While we don't need a scale to tell us
2:01:03what our nervous system knows, the
2:01:05numbers are an external validation and
2:01:08often an important acknowledgement of
2:01:10our experience.
2:01:12Both social support and social
2:01:15connection are needed to help us meet
2:01:16the demands of our days. Social support
2:01:20comes from the people we count on to
2:01:22show up and help us in concrete ways and
2:01:25who make it possible for us to manage
2:01:27our daily living.
2:01:29These essential connections are formed
2:01:31around the exchange of services.
2:01:34When my husband had a stroke a number of
2:01:36years ago, he and I both appreciated the
2:01:38social support that brought some ease to
2:01:41our daily living. As you reflect on your
2:01:44daily living, who are your social
2:01:46supports?
2:01:48Social connection, on the other hand,
2:01:51comes from the people in our life we
2:01:52know and who know us in deep ways.
2:01:56This is the person we call when we're
2:01:58feeling distressed and needs someone to
2:02:00sit quietly with us without offering
2:02:03advice. The person who understands our
2:02:06need to rant sometimes and celebrates
2:02:08with us when life is good.
2:02:11Socially connected relationships are
2:02:13filled with reciprocity.
2:02:15With social connection, we give and
2:02:17take, offer and receive. There's a
2:02:20rhythm to the relationship. As you
2:02:23reflect on your relationships, who is in
2:02:25the category of social connection for
2:02:27you? With whom do you feel that
2:02:30co-regulating safe predictable
2:02:33connection?
2:02:34It's with enough experiences of social
2:02:37connection and ongoing predictable
2:02:39opportunities for reciprocity and
2:02:41co-regulation that we create the
2:02:44foundation for self-regulation that
2:02:46sustains us when co-regulating
2:02:48experiences are not available.
2:02:52Solitude.
2:02:54Unlike loneliness, solitude is a
2:02:56regulating and nourishing experience of
2:02:59choosing to be alone and feeling a sense
2:03:01of peace in that aloneeness.
2:03:04In the way of silence, brother David
2:03:07Steinel Rast Benedicting monk and
2:03:10beloved teacher on how to live in
2:03:12gratitude reminds us that with strong
2:03:14roots in togetherness, we can be
2:03:16solitary rather than lonely when we're
2:03:19alone.
2:03:21Sometimes when we are alone, we find
2:03:24that not so much in spite of but because
2:03:27of being so truly alone at that moment.
2:03:30We are united with everything and
2:03:32everybody.
2:03:34Whether we are alone in our room or with
2:03:36the trees, the rocks, the clouds, water,
2:03:40stars, wind or whatever it is, we feel
2:03:43as if our heart is expanding. as if our
2:03:46being is expanding to embrace
2:03:48everything.
2:03:50As if the barriers were in some way
2:03:52broken down or dissolved and we are one
2:03:55with all. When I am most truly alone, I
2:03:59am one with all.
2:04:02Without enough experiences of
2:04:04co-regulation, we can't find nourishment
2:04:07in solitude. Our unmet longing for
2:04:10connection either activates a desperate
2:04:12search for a connection or prompts a
2:04:14collapse into despair and disconnection.
2:04:18Do you have enough experiences of
2:04:19co-regulation in your daily life so that
2:04:22you can also experience the sweetness of
2:04:25solitude?
2:04:28Exploration solitude or loneliness.
2:04:32It's important to know when we are
2:04:34savoring solitude and when we are moving
2:04:36into loneliness.
2:04:39What are the signs that you're shifting
2:04:40from feeling the peace of solitude and
2:04:43beginning to feel alone and lonely? I
2:04:46know I'm starting to move from solitude
2:04:48into loneliness when I begin to feel
2:04:50just a bit fuzzy. Start to lose touch
2:04:53with my surroundings and my thoughts
2:04:55turn from peace to worry.
2:04:58Take a moment to explore what happens
2:05:00for you as you begin to leave the safety
2:05:02of solitude.
2:05:04Feel the ways your body sensations show
2:05:06you the beginning shift. Listen to your
2:05:08thoughts and identify the ones that
2:05:10point toward leaving ease and moving
2:05:12into loneliness.
2:05:14Turn toward your feelings and notice
2:05:17when they begin to shift from ones that
2:05:18live in your vententral state of safety
2:05:20and connection to those that emerge from
2:05:22sympathetic fear or dorsal despair.
2:05:26Get to know your path between solitude
2:05:29and loneliness. Create the balance of
2:05:32experiences that meets your needs for
2:05:34being with others and supports your
2:05:36ability to savor moments of solitude.
2:05:40From our first breath to our last, we
2:05:42are on a lifelong quest for connection.
2:05:45We are social beings with a biological
2:05:47need to connect and co-regulate with
2:05:49others. When this need is met, we can
2:05:52reach inward, connect to our own
2:05:54experience, and self-regulate.
2:05:57And from this platform of safety in self
2:05:59and co-regulation,
2:06:01we are able to connect with the world
2:06:03around us and with spirit to guide us.
2:06:09Five, neurosception, your nervous
2:06:12systems intuition.
2:06:15We have all a better guide in ourselves
2:06:17if we would attend to it than any other
2:06:20person can be. Jane Austin, Mansfield
2:06:23Park.
2:06:25We first touched on neurosception in
2:06:27chapter 1 as one of the organizing
2:06:30principles of poly vagal theory.
2:06:32Building on that brief introduction,
2:06:34let's now explore in more detail what
2:06:37neurosception is and how it works.
2:06:40Intuition is our ability to know
2:06:42something without thinking about it or
2:06:44using facts to understand it. We can
2:06:47think of neurosception as our autonomic
2:06:50intuition
2:06:51because the autonomic nervous system is
2:06:54a system that works mostly outside of
2:06:56our awareness and operates below the
2:06:59level of our thinking brain.
2:07:01Neurosception is a way of knowing that
2:07:03is very different from our cognitive
2:07:06understanding.
2:07:08Through the process of neurosception,
2:07:10the nervous system listens to what's
2:07:11happening in our embodied environmental
2:07:14and relational experiences, looks for
2:07:17cues of safety and danger, and responds
2:07:19by shutting down, mobilizing for action,
2:07:22or anchoring and regulation.
2:07:25While we like to think we are using our
2:07:27wise and wonderful brains to make
2:07:29decisions, in fact, long before
2:07:31information reaches the brain, the
2:07:33autonomic nervous system takes action.
2:07:37Without awareness, neurosception works
2:07:39in the background, serving our survival
2:07:41and shaping our days. It's when we bring
2:07:44perception to neurosception that we have
2:07:47access to perspective.
2:07:49By adding perception to the autonomic
2:07:51process of neurosception, we are no
2:07:54longer simply in the state. We are now
2:07:56able to be with it and observe and
2:07:59reflect on the experience.
2:08:0280% of the information coming from our
2:08:04veagal pathways flows from the body to
2:08:07the brain in what we call aerant
2:08:09pathways while 20% returns from the
2:08:12brain to the body in what we call eerant
2:08:15pathways.
2:08:17An easy way to remember the two terms is
2:08:19aerant arrives and eerant exits.
2:08:23The brain takes the information that it
2:08:25receives from the body and turns it into
2:08:27a story to make sense of what's
2:08:29happening in the body. When we bring
2:08:31perception to neurosception and bring
2:08:34awareness to the three streams of
2:08:36autonomic information, embodied,
2:08:38environmental, and relational, we invite
2:08:41the body and the brain to work together.
2:08:44Then we become more than simple story
2:08:46listeners. We become story editors and
2:08:49story writers.
2:08:51Through neurosception, the nervous
2:08:53system listens as we move through our
2:08:55days, continuously assessing risk and
2:08:58responding in service of survival. We
2:09:01are aware of our responses first on a
2:09:04physical level, then through connection
2:09:06with the story that emerges. Sometimes
2:09:09the impact is hidden, experienced on the
2:09:11inside and known only to us. We feel
2:09:14shifts in our breathing and heartbeat,
2:09:16changes in our digestion, and different
2:09:18sensations in our throat. Our thoughts
2:09:21begin to form a story. This internal
2:09:24experience is often accompanied by an
2:09:26impulse to take action. At other times,
2:09:29our responses are visible to the world.
2:09:31Our facial expressions, tone of voice,
2:09:34gestures, and posture show others what
2:09:36we're feeling. We say what we're
2:09:38thinking, and the impulse to take action
2:09:40that was hidden on the inside comes
2:09:42alive and is now seen in our behaviors.
2:09:45Our autonomic nervous system often moves
2:09:48in a way that helps us successfully
2:09:50manage an experience. For example, I'm
2:09:53anchored in regulation as I enjoy a walk
2:09:55in the woods and mobilize when I see a
2:09:57snake on the path. Neurosception is a
2:10:00match for what's happening in the
2:10:01moment, accurately answering the
2:10:03question, am I safe? We can also feel
2:10:06alarmed and hypervigilant when there is
2:10:08no actual risk. I might feel highly
2:10:10anxious whenever I enter my phone or be
2:10:13acutely aware of every sound and need to
2:10:15know exactly where it's coming from.
2:10:18Or we can experience the world in a
2:10:20dulled and unaware state. I don't pay
2:10:22attention to where I'm walking and
2:10:24always bump into things. Or I don't
2:10:26recognize when someone reaches out in
2:10:28friendship. When these kinds of alarmed
2:10:30or unaware experiences happen, we could
2:10:33say our nervous system isn't accurately
2:10:35attending to the question of safety and
2:10:38moves in a way that is a mismatch.
2:10:40Sometimes we ignore or override our
2:10:43neurosception.
2:10:44See if you can remember a time when your
2:10:46neurosception sent you a message and you
2:10:48didn't listen. Maybe you felt reluctant
2:10:51to accept an invitation and did it
2:10:52anyway. Or a time when you listened but
2:10:55didn't follow that guidance. Perhaps you
2:10:57felt in your heart you shouldn't agree
2:10:59to work on a project and dismissed it as
2:11:01feeling foolish and said yes. When we
2:11:04don't listen or when we listen and
2:11:06discount the information, we often
2:11:08regret it later. We look back and
2:11:11realize that our autonomic nervous
2:11:12system was sending an important message
2:11:14and in that moment we weren't able or
2:11:16ready to take in the information and use
2:11:19it for our well-being.
2:11:21Childhood is when we begin to learn to
2:11:24tune in or tune out.
2:11:27We are taught to listen and be guided by
2:11:29what we hear or to ignore and override
2:11:31the messages neurosception is sending.
2:11:34We may have grown up in homes where we
2:11:36were told that what we felt wasn't okay,
2:11:39wasn't right, and to ignore what our
2:11:41neurosception was telling us. In this
2:11:44environment, we were trained to not
2:11:45listen and to not pay attention.
2:11:48Or we may have been helped in early life
2:11:50to tune in to our feelings and take them
2:11:52into account when making decisions.
2:11:55The people around us taught us it was
2:11:57safe to look at the world and talk about
2:11:58what we saw. In this environment, we
2:12:01learned that our internal experience has
2:12:03important information.
2:12:06Exploration shaping neurosception.
2:12:11Take a moment to reflect on your
2:12:12experience. Were you taught to honor or
2:12:15ignore your neurosception?
2:12:18Begin your sentence with in my family.
2:12:22Think about what you learned growing up
2:12:24in your family and fill in the rest of
2:12:26the sentence. If you were taught to tune
2:12:28into your neurosception, you might say,
2:12:30"In my family, it was safe to say what I
2:12:33was feeling."
2:12:34If you were taught to ignore your
2:12:36neurosception, your sentence might be,
2:12:38"In my family, people pretended nothing
2:12:40was happening and it was safer not to
2:12:43have a feeling."
2:12:44Write several sentences to get to know
2:12:46the ways your family shaped your ability
2:12:48to use information from neurosception to
2:12:51guide your daily living.
2:12:55Reclaiming the power to listen and
2:12:57learning to tune into the wisdom of the
2:12:59nervous system is part of living a life
2:13:02of well-being.
2:13:04For this we move from the past to the
2:13:06present. Using the same sentences change
2:13:09my which represents what we learned
2:13:11growing up to this which represents the
2:13:14way we are living now. These new
2:13:17sentences give us the opportunity to
2:13:19look at the ways connecting to our inner
2:13:21wisdom is supported or not supported by
2:13:24the people who are present in our lives.
2:13:26Now,
2:13:28if the people you consider family value
2:13:31connecting to neurosception and the
2:13:33embodied environmental and relational
2:13:35information it sends, write in this
2:13:38family sentences to clearly describe the
2:13:41way that is practiced. Your sentences
2:13:44will bring awareness to the ways you are
2:13:45supported in tuning in and remind you to
2:13:48keep listening.
2:13:50If listening to neurosception is not
2:13:52something that is encouraged by the
2:13:54people around you, write sentences that
2:13:56describe the values you intend to
2:13:58create,
2:14:00these sentences will help serve as a
2:14:02reminder of the conditions you are
2:14:04committing to creating in your life that
2:14:07make it possible to follow the wisdom of
2:14:10your nervous system.
2:14:14There's a difference between being
2:14:15unaware of the ways we are guided by the
2:14:17nervous system and the decision to
2:14:20override the direction our nervous
2:14:21system is pointing us toward. Sometimes
2:14:24we have to approach an experience even
2:14:26when our neurosception is sending cues
2:14:28of danger. We have a medical concern to
2:14:31follow up on, need to confront a
2:14:33colleague with a work issue, or need to
2:14:35set limits in a friendship.
2:14:38When we stay tuned in instead of turning
2:14:41away, we can acknowledge the cues of
2:14:43danger, look for ways to reduce them,
2:14:46and make an intentional choice to move
2:14:48forward in the direction that may still
2:14:50be scary, but is necessary.
2:14:53Recently, one of my reliable vententral
2:14:56anchoring practices has been impacted by
2:14:58a change in neurosception.
2:15:00I have a medical issue involving my
2:15:02heart that is being monitored. And like
2:15:04most people, when confronted with a
2:15:06health challenge, my neurosception is
2:15:08not one of safety. Since many of the
2:15:11practices that help me anchor in
2:15:13regulation include placing a hand on my
2:15:15heart, I often bump into awareness of my
2:15:18medical condition.
2:15:20Now, rather than a reassuring cue of
2:15:22safety, my neurosception activates a cue
2:15:24of danger and I get pulled into anxiety.
2:15:27What used to be a soothing practice has
2:15:30become a more complicated experience.
2:15:33When I touch my heart area, I begin to
2:15:35worry about my heart rhythms. What I
2:15:38found is that I can reduce the
2:15:40neurosception of danger by feeling my
2:15:42heartbeat and imagining my valves
2:15:44working. And then my familiar hand-on
2:15:47heart practice once again helps me
2:15:49anchor in vententral safety.
2:15:52The neurosception of danger around my
2:15:54health also challenges my ability to
2:15:56move forward with tests and treatment.
2:15:59Thinking about scheduling an appointment
2:16:00brings a cue of danger. I'm quickly
2:16:03pulled into sympathetic flight and the
2:16:05intensity of my survival response makes
2:16:07it difficult for me to take action.
2:16:10Acknowledging that the medical challenge
2:16:12is real and treatment does include risk
2:16:15allows me to tune in and get clear about
2:16:17the cues of danger. Making a list of
2:16:20steps to follow and giving myself
2:16:22permission to move one step at a time
2:16:24helps.
2:16:26Talking with people who have already had
2:16:27these tests and treatment brings me a
2:16:30sense of not being alone in a scary
2:16:32process. While I can't fully resolve the
2:16:35neurosception of danger, I'm finding a
2:16:37way to work with my nervous system.
2:16:41Exploration safe enough.
2:16:45It's natural to have things in our lives
2:16:47that feel a bit scary and that we still
2:16:49want or need to engage with. This might
2:16:52be a resource you've been using that has
2:16:54now become complicated or a difficult
2:16:57situation you need to address. Start by
2:17:00identifying an experience you want to
2:17:02explore.
2:17:04And now gather the information you need
2:17:06to move forward. Turn toward the
2:17:09experience and listen to the cues of
2:17:11danger.
2:17:13Take time to really hear what your
2:17:14nervous system wants you to know.
2:17:17Having listened, how do you connect what
2:17:20you learned with what you need to do in
2:17:22a way that brings safety?
2:17:25If you're working with a resource,
2:17:27experiment with steps you can take to
2:17:28reduce the cues of danger and reconnect
2:17:31with the regulating influence of the
2:17:32practice.
2:17:34If you're exploring a difficult
2:17:36situation, noticing and naming cues of
2:17:38danger begins to soften them a bit,
2:17:41making it possible to make a plan to
2:17:43work with them.
2:17:45Look for cues of safety that might
2:17:46already be present or cues that you
2:17:48could bring in.
2:17:50Discover what needs to happen so you can
2:17:52honor your survival response and work
2:17:55with your nervous system to take the
2:17:57next steps.
2:18:00Tuning in.
2:18:02We can think of neurosception as an
2:18:04embodied surveillance system
2:18:06broadcasting important information from
2:18:08its place below the surface of
2:18:10awareness. When we connect to this
2:18:13information system, we can use the
2:18:15messages to inform our decisions. When
2:18:18you tune in, where in your body do you
2:18:21find your surveillance system?
2:18:24We often think of a gut instinct. And
2:18:26many people do feel that instinct or
2:18:28what I like to think of as our autonomic
2:18:30intuition in their gut. But you might
2:18:33locate yours in another place. Touch
2:18:36that place with a hand or direct your
2:18:38attention there. Notice what changes as
2:18:41you bring awareness to what is normally
2:18:43an unconscious experience.
2:18:47Now that you have this connection to
2:18:49your embodied surveillance system, see
2:18:51if there's an image to represent it.
2:18:55Some of the images people use include a
2:18:57lighthouse with a beacon that revolves,
2:18:59a guard standing in a watchtowwer, a
2:19:02gentle watchdog who's always ready to
2:19:04respond, and a ball of light that
2:19:06changes color to see what your inner
2:19:09surveillance system looks like. Focus on
2:19:11the place in your body where you located
2:19:12it. Invite an image and wait to see what
2:19:15emerges. Stay open to what comes. We can
2:19:19be surprised by the creativity of our
2:19:22internal world to bring our autonomic
2:19:24experiences to life.
2:19:26When you have the image, spend some time
2:19:29getting to know how it works. How does
2:19:31it track momentto- moment cues of safety
2:19:33and danger
2:19:36in the beginning? As you get to know the
2:19:38ways your neurosception works, it can be
2:19:40interesting or even a bit alarming to
2:19:42tune in to the stream of information
2:19:45that's always flowing beneath our
2:19:47conscious awareness.
2:19:49We're used to paying attention to our
2:19:50thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, but
2:19:53we're not used to being curious about
2:19:54what's underneath and discovering what
2:19:57our autonomic nervous system is hearing.
2:19:59To support this new way of listening, we
2:20:01first need to create a pathway that's
2:20:03easy to travel and lets us connect with
2:20:06the original cue that sparked an
2:20:08experience.
2:20:11Exploration building an information
2:20:13pathway.
2:20:17Neurosception begins the creation of our
2:20:19behaviors, our feelings, and our
2:20:21stories. When we intentionally find our
2:20:24way to that starting point, we can bring
2:20:26what otherwise remains hidden into
2:20:28awareness. To create a pathway to bring
2:20:31together neurosception and perception,
2:20:34the first move is from outer awareness
2:20:36to inner connection.
2:20:39Turn toward your inner world and find
2:20:41the place you identified earlier where
2:20:43neurosception reaches out for your
2:20:45attention.
2:20:47And now move to finding the place where
2:20:49you feel your perception.
2:20:51Because this involves the cortex and the
2:20:53thinking parts of our brain, many people
2:20:55locate their place of perception
2:20:57somewhere inside the head. Again, take
2:21:00time to find your personal place of
2:21:02perception.
2:21:05With the two individual locations of
2:21:07neurosception and perception identified,
2:21:10the next step is to connect them. With a
2:21:12pathway between neurosception and
2:21:14perception, the cues of safety and
2:21:16danger that emerge can travel easily
2:21:18into where your awareness and you can
2:21:21also follow your actions, feelings, and
2:21:23stories back to their autonomic origins.
2:21:26It may be helpful to put your hands on
2:21:28the two locations as you begin to
2:21:30imagine the route from neurosception to
2:21:33awareness.
2:21:35The pathway you imagine might be a
2:21:37straight line between the two points or
2:21:39a more ciruitous route. Whatever shape
2:21:42the connection takes, the essential
2:21:44quality is to support the easy, reliable
2:21:48transmission of information. My
2:21:50neurosception to perception pathway is
2:21:52marked by curves and loops in its root
2:21:55from the center of my chest to my
2:21:56forehead. Take time to let the shape of
2:21:59your root become clear.
2:22:03To practice, first think of a behavior
2:22:05you're curious about and imagine an
2:22:07acting up. Move from perception to the
2:22:10neurosception that is underneath the
2:22:12behavior. Follow the pathway you
2:22:15identified that connects your two
2:22:16embodied points. As I travel my
2:22:19circuitous route from my forehead to my
2:22:22chest, I feel the twists and turns. When
2:22:25you arrive at the place of
2:22:26neurosception, take a moment to sense
2:22:28the cue of safety or danger.
2:22:31Do the same for a feeling you're
2:22:33interested in. And finally, bring to
2:22:36mind a story about yourself or the world
2:22:38that you'd like to learn more about and
2:22:40activate your perception connection.
2:22:43What's underneath the story?
2:22:46And now travel the pathway in the
2:22:48opposite direction. Come into connection
2:22:51with the first stirrings of a sense of
2:22:53safety or danger and see where it takes
2:22:55you. Follow the beginning of an embodied
2:22:58cue into a feeling, a thought, an
2:23:01action, and then a story.
2:23:04As you use this new way of moving
2:23:05between information systems, the pathway
2:23:08becomes stronger.
2:23:10To strengthen the connection, create a
2:23:12way to tune in and intentionally engage.
2:23:16Experiment with a variety of ways to see
2:23:18what works for you. Draw the pathway and
2:23:21trace it with your finger as you move
2:23:23between these two ways of knowing. Place
2:23:25a hand on your body as a physical
2:23:27reminder of this internal pathway.
2:23:30Create an intention to activate the
2:23:32pathway in both directions during the
2:23:34flow of your day. Make a plan to reflect
2:23:38at the end of the day and see how
2:23:39neurosception took you to a particular
2:23:41behavior, feeling or story.
2:23:44Stop when you notice the emergence of a
2:23:46behavior, feeling or story and follow
2:23:49the path from perception to
2:23:50neurosception.
2:23:52What are the ways you want to attend to
2:23:54this new pathway?
2:23:57Some responses are what I call
2:23:59factoryinstalled settings. We generally
2:24:02respond in similar ways to certain
2:24:04sounds. With high frequencies, we look
2:24:07toward the sound, sensing it as a
2:24:08distress call. Low frequencies remind us
2:24:11of predators and prompt an urge to get
2:24:13away. And sounds in the range of the
2:24:16human voice invite us into safety and
2:24:18connection.
2:24:20Other cues are shaped by our personal
2:24:22histories and may be similar or very
2:24:25different from the people around us. I
2:24:27grew up with a father who loved loud
2:24:29classical music and for me the feeling
2:24:32of being surrounded by loud music feels
2:24:34regulating and connecting. For other
2:24:37people, loud music activates a
2:24:38neurosception of danger. You can
2:24:41probably recognize a cue that elicits a
2:24:43very different response for you than for
2:24:45your friends.
2:24:47Take a moment and identify a cue that
2:24:49brings a neurosception of safety to you
2:24:51but not the people around you. And now
2:24:54the opposite. Something that activates a
2:24:56neurosception of danger for you while
2:24:58people around you find the same
2:25:00experience creates a neurosception of
2:25:02safety.
2:25:04Although we all share common autonomic
2:25:06pathways between safety and danger, we
2:25:09each have our own response patterns.
2:25:13Exploration, awareness of neurosception,
2:25:18the moment of change.
2:25:20Sometimes neurosception brings a
2:25:22dramatic change to our state and we feel
2:25:24the intensity both in our bodies and our
2:25:26stories. You can explore this by
2:25:29thinking of a time when you felt a large
2:25:31state shift that moved you out of safety
2:25:34into danger. Maybe you were startled by
2:25:36a sound and felt your body respond in
2:25:38fear. or someone walked away from you
2:25:41and you felt yourself shutting down. As
2:25:43you reflect on the shift from safety to
2:25:46danger, see if you can identify the
2:25:48moment when you felt the change in your
2:25:50body and then how your story changed.
2:25:54And then find a time when your state
2:25:56changed in the other direction from
2:25:58danger back to safety. Perhaps you saw a
2:26:01friendly face or heard a familiar sound
2:26:03and felt a return of ease again. Look
2:26:06for the moment when you felt that happen
2:26:08and see how the story that accompanied
2:26:11it began to change.
2:26:13At other times, we have a more nuanced
2:26:15experience of change. We feel a subtle
2:26:18shift in the intensity of a state. You
2:26:21might feel worry moving into anxiety,
2:26:24frustration becoming anger, or lack of
2:26:27focus leading to checking out. When we
2:26:30attend to these micro shifts, we can
2:26:32fine-tune our ability to track the
2:26:34subtle shifts that happen within states.
2:26:38Tuning in to this can help us understand
2:26:40how small shifts within a state can
2:26:43eventually lead to a movement between
2:26:45states.
2:26:47Noticing cues.
2:26:50With this beginning awareness, let's
2:26:52move deeper into bringing perception to
2:26:54neurosception.
2:26:56Stop for a moment and bring your
2:26:57attention to the three streams of
2:26:59neurosception, embodied, environmental,
2:27:02and relational that are at work in this
2:27:05present moment. Use the following
2:27:07questions to consider the information
2:27:09your neurosception is taking in.
2:27:12What are the cues of danger in this
2:27:14moment in your body? Start with a simple
2:27:17body scan. Is there an ache, tension,
2:27:20soreness, or numbness? Listen to your
2:27:23digestion, heart rate, and breath. Let
2:27:25your body show you cues of danger.
2:27:30What are the cues of safety in this
2:27:31moment in your body? Listen to your body
2:27:34and find the places of ease, warmth, and
2:27:36flexibility. Feel your heart and breath
2:27:39rhythms. Let your body show you cues of
2:27:42safety.
2:27:45What are the cues of danger in this
2:27:46moment in the immediate environment
2:27:48around you? Bring your awareness to the
2:27:51space you are inhabiting. Look around
2:27:53and see what is distressing.
2:27:57Move your awareness out into the larger
2:27:59environment. As you look outside your
2:28:01space to the world around you, what do
2:28:03you find that feels distressing?
2:28:07What are the cues of safety in this
2:28:09moment in the immediate environment
2:28:10around you? Bring your awareness back to
2:28:13the space you're in. Look around and see
2:28:16what brings you some joy. Find what
2:28:18helps you anchor in regulation.
2:28:21And now move your awareness out into the
2:28:23larger environment. As you look outside
2:28:26your space to the world around you, what
2:28:28do you find that feels nourishing?
2:28:32What are the cues of danger in this
2:28:33moment in your connection with others?
2:28:36Look for signs of warning your social
2:28:38engagement system is sending or
2:28:40receiving from someone's eyes, facial
2:28:42expression, tone of voice, posture, and
2:28:44movements.
2:28:46What are the cues of safety in this
2:28:47moment in your connection with others?
2:28:50Look for the signs of welcome your
2:28:52social engagement system is sending or
2:28:55receiving from someone's eyes, facial
2:28:58expression, tone of voice, posture, and
2:29:01movements.
2:29:03When we explore our experiences of
2:29:06neurosception, we want to stay curious
2:29:08about what we find. A response that
2:29:11feels out of proportion to the present
2:29:13moment situation, a reaction that's too
2:29:15big or too constrained often points to a
2:29:18familiar cue from the past that's being
2:29:21touched in the present. Feeling
2:29:23overwhelming anger at a small
2:29:25interruption while you're working, or
2:29:27feeling numb when someone tells you they
2:29:29appreciate something you've done might
2:29:31point to an experience from the past
2:29:34coming alive in the present.
2:29:37Other responses feel like they're
2:29:38grounded in the present and move us
2:29:40toward or away from people, places, or
2:29:43things, not because of a past
2:29:45experience, but in response to our
2:29:47neurosception in the moment.
2:29:50For example, you get an email from a
2:29:52friend and feel the invitation to
2:29:53connect. Or you think about a big work
2:29:56project and feel a bit anxious.
2:29:58It's important to know whether our
2:30:00responses are coming from the past or
2:30:02are grounded in the present.
2:30:05To do this, we can use a clarifying
2:30:07question.
2:30:08First, bring perception to the present
2:30:11moment. What cues are you getting right
2:30:14now?
2:30:15Is your neurosception one of safety or
2:30:17danger?
2:30:19And now ask the question in this moment,
2:30:22in this place, with this person or these
2:30:26people, is this response or this
2:30:29intensity of response needed?
2:30:33Notice we ask if the response is needed,
2:30:35not if it's appropriate. Categories of
2:30:38appropriate or not appropriate, good or
2:30:40bad, don't apply. The autonomic nervous
2:30:43system doesn't make meaning or assign
2:30:45motivation. It simply takes in cues and
2:30:48enacts the response it deems necessary
2:30:50to ensure survival. If the answer to the
2:30:53clarifying question is yes, you're
2:30:55likely anchored in the present moment,
2:30:57and your response can be a useful guide
2:30:59in making decisions.
2:31:01If the answer is no, look for a familiar
2:31:04cue that has reached out from your past
2:31:06and taken hold in the present. Think
2:31:09about other times in your life when you
2:31:11felt this way.
2:31:13Look for the cues of danger that are
2:31:14similar between the past and now. When
2:31:17we find the thread that connects
2:31:19experiences, we have new information to
2:31:21help us understand our patterns.
2:31:25Safety is essential for survival. But to
2:31:27our nervous system, not being in danger
2:31:30is not the same as being safe. Being out
2:31:33of danger doesn't guarantee we
2:31:35experience a neurosception of safety.
2:31:38The systems that have been put in place
2:31:40to create safety impact how we
2:31:42communicate and shape the ways we create
2:31:44connection.
2:31:46Security procedures in schools and
2:31:49screenings at airports and train
2:31:50stations may concretely add layers of
2:31:53safety but be experienced through our
2:31:55neurosception as cues of danger.
2:31:58In the time of a global pandemic,
2:32:00disconnection through plexiglass
2:32:02partition separating people, rules
2:32:05around social distancing, and required
2:32:07wearing of face masks may be necessary
2:32:09to help us stay safe, but do not
2:32:12necessarily engender a neurosception of
2:32:14safety.
2:32:16Think about the systems you regularly
2:32:17interact with. What are the cues of
2:32:20safety and danger that you feel as you
2:32:22navigate through these systems.
2:32:25You'll recognize cues of safety in the
2:32:27way you feel alive and anchored in
2:32:29regulation and cues of danger in the way
2:32:32your sympathetic and dorsal survival
2:32:33states activate.
2:32:35Bring perception to these experiences
2:32:38and see where your neurosception takes
2:32:40you.
2:32:42In order to find well-being, we need to
2:32:45attend to cues of both danger and
2:32:47safety. We need to reduce or resolve
2:32:50cues of danger and actively experience
2:32:52cues of safety.
2:32:54One without the other doesn't bring us
2:32:56to well-being.
2:32:58To explore this, think of a particular
2:33:01experience that feels just a little
2:33:02unsafe or holds just a hint of distress.
2:33:07Start by bringing perception to
2:33:09neurosception and identify the specific
2:33:12cues of danger that you feel.
2:33:14Use the three streams of neurosception
2:33:16to look for cues inside your body,
2:33:19outside in the environment, and between
2:33:21you and others. When you identify a cue
2:33:24of danger, consider how you might reduce
2:33:26it, or if there's a way to resolve it.
2:33:29What is possible?
2:33:31Experiences often include more than one
2:33:33cue of danger. Stop and explore each one
2:33:36you find.
2:33:39And now move your attention to cues of
2:33:41safety. Take time to see what embodied
2:33:44environmental and relational cues of
2:33:46safety are present in the experience.
2:33:49We humans are built with a negativity
2:33:52bias to help ensure our survival.
2:33:55Because of this, we're on the lookout
2:33:56for cues of danger and often miss the
2:33:58cues of safety. Look back on the
2:34:01experience and see if there are any cues
2:34:03of safety you might have missed.
2:34:06Next, bring some curiosity to exploring
2:34:08what cues of safety it might be possible
2:34:10to bring in.
2:34:13Awareness is the active ingredient
2:34:15needed to work with neurosception
2:34:18to engage with your inner surveillance
2:34:20system and learn to use it wisely. Bring
2:34:23awareness to the cues of danger and make
2:34:25an intention to connect with cues of
2:34:27safety.
2:34:29With awareness, we can explore with
2:34:31curiosity and create the conditions
2:34:33necessary to create an embodied sense of
2:34:36safety in our daily living experiences.
2:34:41Six patterns of connection and
2:34:44protection.
2:34:46Life is a pattern of energies. Baker
2:34:50Brownell, the new universe. Our
2:34:54autonomic patterns are shaped by the
2:34:56environments we inhabit and the people
2:34:58we're in relationship with. Cues of
2:35:02safety deepen our feeling of connection,
2:35:04while cues of danger pull us out of
2:35:06feeling anchored in our lives. The
2:35:09nervous system takes these cues and
2:35:11builds the pathways of connection and
2:35:13protection that we travel as we make our
2:35:16way through the day. Although the
2:35:18nervous system is shaped by our past
2:35:20experiences, it never stops taking in
2:35:23cues and updating the pathways. As we
2:35:26learn to attend to the world and our
2:35:28habitual responses, we begin to get to
2:35:31know the ways our patterns of connection
2:35:33and protection stay quiet or come alive.
2:35:37The nervous system uses pathways of
2:35:39connection and protection to help us
2:35:41survive traumatic moments and to
2:35:44navigate the ordinary challenges of
2:35:46daily life.
2:35:47The myriad moments we have experienced
2:35:50from loving and joyfilled to scary and
2:35:53hurtful are woven together and create a
2:35:56particular design.
2:35:58Depending on our personal histories, we
2:36:00build stronger patterns of connection or
2:36:03stronger patterns of protection.
2:36:06The good news is that no matter how the
2:36:08nervous system has been shaped, the
2:36:10capacity for moving out of protection
2:36:12and returning to connection is built
2:36:14into our biology.
2:36:17At the top of the hierarchy, anchored in
2:36:20safety and regulation, is the place
2:36:22where we find physical and psychological
2:36:24well-being and experience health growth
2:36:27and restoration. I call this our
2:36:29autonomic home.
2:36:32Look back to your exploration in chapter
2:36:342 and review what your landscape looked
2:36:36like from your home in vententral.
2:36:39Connection brings us home and protection
2:36:42takes us to our home away from home in
2:36:45sympathetic mobilization or dorsal
2:36:47shutdown.
2:36:49While we move in and out of both
2:36:50survival states with repeated
2:36:53activation, we create our own protection
2:36:55profile.
2:36:57Over time, our habitual survival
2:36:59response leans more toward mobilization
2:37:02and fight and flight or disconnection
2:37:04and shutdown.
2:37:06Then when a pattern of protection is
2:37:08needed, we are easily transported to
2:37:11this home away from home.
2:37:15Exploration. Finding your home away from
2:37:18home.
2:37:19My home away from home is rooted in
2:37:21dorsal disconnection. When I feel too
2:37:24many cues of danger, I take an internal
2:37:26step back. It's not as intense a
2:37:29response as it used to be and often goes
2:37:32unnoticed by the people around me. But
2:37:34in that moment, I'm no longer able to
2:37:36fully connect, and I feel that loss.
2:37:40Take a moment and consider how you make
2:37:42your way through the world. Where is
2:37:44your home away from home? When you leave
2:37:46connection and get pulled into a pattern
2:37:49of protection, where do you usually end
2:37:51up? Do you ride out the cues of danger
2:37:54in the intense charge of your
2:37:55sympathetic action-taking system, or are
2:37:58you rescued by disappearing into dorsal
2:38:00shutdown?
2:38:03As you find your home away from home,
2:38:05bring curiosity to looking at the ways
2:38:07your survival response is working to
2:38:09protect you. Ask yourself if you weren't
2:38:13under the protection of your home away
2:38:15from home, what might be happening. You
2:38:18can explore your stories with if then
2:38:20statements. For example, if I didn't
2:38:23feel so anxious or angry right now, then
2:38:25I would. or if I begin to be seen and
2:38:29connect with the world, then write your
2:38:32own if then statements and get to know
2:38:34how your nervous system is working to
2:38:36protect you.
2:38:38Understanding the biology of connection
2:38:40and protection offers us hope. Our early
2:38:43experiences shaped our systems and our
2:38:46ongoing experiences continue to shape
2:38:48them. When we identify what moves us
2:38:51into protection, we can explore how to
2:38:54reduce those experiences and create more
2:38:56moments of connection.
2:38:58And when we discover the present-day
2:39:00experiences that shape our system toward
2:39:02connection, we can engage with them more
2:39:04often and deepen the pattern.
2:39:07Whenever we think about patterns of
2:39:09protection and talk about survival
2:39:11responses, we want to add the word
2:39:14adaptive. As crazy, in congressous or
2:39:17inexplicable as our thoughts, feelings,
2:39:19or actions may seem, we need to remember
2:39:22the autonomic nervous system is always
2:39:24working to ensure our survival.
2:39:27While it often doesn't make cognitive
2:39:29sense, the nervous system feels a need
2:39:32and takes action. It's by looking
2:39:34through that lens at our own responses
2:39:37and at the responses of the people
2:39:39around us that we are able to avoid
2:39:41becoming critical and remain curious.
2:39:44And then curiosity opens the door to
2:39:47compassion and self-compassion.
2:39:50Think of a time when you moved into an
2:39:52adaptive survival response. A moment of
2:39:55protection that brought you into
2:39:56mobilization or shutdown
2:39:59from a place of curiosity. Spend a
2:40:01moment and explore the adaptive survival
2:40:03response.
2:40:04What did your nervous system sense? How
2:40:07did the survival response protect you?
2:40:11And now remember a time when someone
2:40:13around you moved into their own adaptive
2:40:15survival response. Bring some curiosity
2:40:18to what was going on for them.
2:40:21Looking at adaptive survival responses,
2:40:23whether our own or someone else's, with
2:40:26curiosity can be challenging. When we
2:40:29are learning to look through the lens of
2:40:30the nervous system, it's easy to move
2:40:32out of curiosity into self-judgment and
2:40:35self-criticism.
2:40:37I found that an easy way to bring some
2:40:39self-compassion is by adding one of my
2:40:41favorite words, yet. Yet holds a feeling
2:40:45of change and a sense of possibility. I
2:40:48can't be curious about the story I'm
2:40:50telling myself yet.
2:40:52I'm not able to look at other people
2:40:54without judging their behaviors yet.
2:40:57Make a statement, add yet to the end of
2:41:00the sentence, and see what happens.
2:41:03When we see that stories and actions are
2:41:06based in biology, we remember that what
2:41:08we label as motivation is simply an
2:41:10autonomic attention for survival.
2:41:14We humans make moral meaning and assign
2:41:16intent. But the autonomic nervous system
2:41:18doesn't think in terms of good or bad.
2:41:20It simply acts in service of survival.
2:41:24It's a different experience once you
2:41:25recognize that the friend who has just
2:41:27stopped listening to you still wants to
2:41:29be in connection, but their biology is
2:41:31making it impossible for them to stay
2:41:33present and listen. Or when your child
2:41:36isn't listening, it's not because he is
2:41:38defiant, but because he's unable to
2:41:41regulate.
2:41:42When we remember to look beyond
2:41:44behaviors to see the state, it's easier
2:41:48to stay anchored in regulation, not
2:41:50respond from our own pattern of
2:41:51protection, and reach out to offer
2:41:54connection.
2:41:56Bring to mind a person you care about
2:41:58and who is having a difficult time. Look
2:42:01at them through the lens of their
2:42:02nervous system. What do you see? Where
2:42:05has their nervous system taken them?
2:42:08How does this influence what you want to
2:42:10do?
2:42:13And now bring to mind a person who you
2:42:15struggle to be in connection with. Put
2:42:17aside the story you've created and look
2:42:19through the lens of the nervous system.
2:42:22What state do you imagine they are being
2:42:23held in? Does this help you find some
2:42:26curiosity or compassion?
2:42:30We label people in lots of ways. We say
2:42:32they don't care, they're not trying,
2:42:34they don't want to change, or they're
2:42:36lazy, irresponsible, always angry, or
2:42:38unreliable.
2:42:40What if instead of using these labels,
2:42:43we thought about people as being
2:42:44disregulated?
2:42:46Behavior makes sense when we look at it
2:42:48through the autonomic state. When
2:42:51someone is pulled into the mobilizing
2:42:53energy of sympathetic fight and flight
2:42:55or trapped in dorsal shutdown, their
2:42:58biology doesn't support them coming into
2:43:00connection and co-regulating or using
2:43:03healthy strategies of self-regulation.
2:43:06When we recognize an adaptive survival
2:43:08response, our own or someone else's,
2:43:11instead of a story about motive and
2:43:13meaning, we can listen to the story of a
2:43:16neurosception of danger and an autonomic
2:43:18nervous system that is reacting to a
2:43:21need for protection.
2:43:24A connection protection equation.
2:43:28I use a simple equation to think about
2:43:31moving between connection and
2:43:32protection. When the cues of safety
2:43:35outweigh the cues of danger, we move to
2:43:38connect. And when the cues of danger
2:43:40outweigh the cues of safety, we take
2:43:42actions to protect.
2:43:44Sometimes this is felt in the number of
2:43:46cues. There are simply more cues of
2:43:48safety or danger.
2:43:51Other times, the intensity of one
2:43:52particular cue can counteract several
2:43:55others.
2:43:57The cue of safety from someone sending a
2:43:59smile might outweigh being in an
2:44:02environment with several cues of danger.
2:44:05Because the nervous system is
2:44:07continually taking in cues, the safety
2:44:10danger equation is always changing. As
2:44:13the number of cues or strength of cues
2:44:16changes, the equation shifts, affecting
2:44:18our bodies, behaviors, and stories. When
2:44:22the connection side is greater than the
2:44:24protection side, we are anchored in
2:44:26safety and regulation, ready to reach
2:44:28out and explore.
2:44:30Our stories are ones of hope and
2:44:32possibility.
2:44:34When the protection side is greater than
2:44:36the connection side, we are either
2:44:38highly mobilized or pulled into
2:44:40collapse. We lose our curiosity and
2:44:43instead see the world as unsafe. Our
2:44:46stories reflect the danger or
2:44:48disinterest we feel.
2:44:51Take a moment to experiment with your
2:44:53personal connection protection equation.
2:44:56Feel what it's like for you when the
2:44:57cues of safety outweigh the cues of
2:44:59danger. Start by noticing what happens
2:45:02in your body. Then look at some of your
2:45:04feelings. And finally bring awareness to
2:45:07the story that emerges.
2:45:10Now feel what happens as the balance
2:45:12starts to tip and the cues of danger add
2:45:14up and begin to prevail over the cues of
2:45:17safety. Feel what happens as you begin
2:45:19to move into mobilization or get pulled
2:45:22into shutdown. Start with your body.
2:45:25Notice the response. Then see what
2:45:27feelings you find and finally listen to
2:45:30the stories that emerge.
2:45:34Exploration. Connecting with cues.
2:45:37As we begin to understand these basic
2:45:40ingredients, we can move to the next
2:45:42step and identify the cues of safety and
2:45:44danger that change the equation. The
2:45:47goal is to clearly identify the cues
2:45:49that pull us towards something, someone,
2:45:52or some place, inviting connection, and
2:45:55the cues that propel us away, activating
2:45:58protection.
2:46:00We need to bring attention to the cues
2:46:01that are in the background, tucked away
2:46:04out of awareness, where they powerfully
2:46:06impact our capacity for connection.
2:46:09Staying in curiosity and out of
2:46:11self-criticism, is the key to this
2:46:13exploration.
2:46:15We need an anchor in regulation to be
2:46:17curious and not judgmental. You might
2:46:20connect by putting your hand on the
2:46:21place in your body where you discovered
2:46:23your vententral veagal system comes
2:46:25alive.
2:46:27Returning to your vententral landscape
2:46:29or moving to an actual place in your
2:46:31environment that helps you come into a
2:46:33vententral state.
2:46:36Feeling cues.
2:46:38Start by exploring how you feel the
2:46:40cues. How do you know when your
2:46:42neurosception is one of safety? Think of
2:46:45an experience that brings you a wish to
2:46:47move closer, to engage and connect. What
2:46:49happens in your body? What are your
2:46:52feelings? What do you want to do here?
2:46:55And what is the story that you hear?
2:46:58When my neurosception is one of safety,
2:47:00my body takes on a sense of being open.
2:47:03The world interests me and I'm ready to
2:47:05engage and explore. My stories are
2:47:07filled with possibilities and options.
2:47:11Next, explore an experience that fills
2:47:13you with anger or anxiety and makes you
2:47:16want to argue or run away. Get to know
2:47:18these cues of danger. What happens in
2:47:20your body? What are your feelings? What
2:47:23do you want to do here? And what is the
2:47:26story you hear
2:47:28from this flavor of danger? My body
2:47:30feels tense. I'm filled with worry and I
2:47:33have an unrelenting need to manage the
2:47:36people and things in my world. My
2:47:38stories are now ones of being trapped in
2:47:40a chaotic world.
2:47:44And finally, explore an experience that
2:47:46overwhelms you and brings the need to
2:47:48shut down and disconnect. What happens
2:47:50in your body now? What are you feeling?
2:47:53What do you want to do? And what's the
2:47:55story you hear?
2:47:57When I feel the pull towards shutdown,
2:47:59the energy drains from my body and I
2:48:01begin to lose hope. My story is one of
2:48:04giving up and believing it's not worth
2:48:07trying and nothing is ever going to
2:48:09change.
2:48:12Receiving cues.
2:48:14Now that we know more about how we feel
2:48:16cues, the next step is to identify when
2:48:18we feel them. Can you notice the moment
2:48:21when you feel a cue of safety or danger?
2:48:25What sign does your nervous system send
2:48:27you that a cue has arrived? Let's start
2:48:29at the bottom of the hierarchy. Think of
2:48:32a recent interaction and look for the
2:48:34moment when a cue of danger appeared and
2:48:36you were pulled into shutdown.
2:48:38Get to know the ways your nervous system
2:48:40sends you that information. Perhaps you
2:48:43feel something happening in your body.
2:48:45Maybe a movement emerges. You hear words
2:48:48or an image appears.
2:48:51Move up one step on the hierarchy and do
2:48:53the same for a recent interaction that
2:48:55took you into fight and flight. Get to
2:48:58know the ways your nervous system sends
2:49:00you this information.
2:49:02And finally, end at the top of the
2:49:04hierarchy and reflect on a recent
2:49:07interaction with a cue of safety and the
2:49:09messages your nervous system sends.
2:49:12Use your journal to document what you
2:49:14discovered about the ways you feel cues
2:49:16of safety and danger arriving in your
2:49:18system.
2:49:21Understanding cues.
2:49:24With the ability to tune into the
2:49:26experiences that flow from neurosception
2:49:29and identify how and when we receive
2:49:31cues, we can now turn to considering
2:49:34what those cues are. Return to the
2:49:37interactions you just used to identify
2:49:39cues of danger and safety and begin to
2:49:41look at the specific cues you came into
2:49:43connection with. Start with the cues of
2:49:46danger that took you into shutdown. What
2:49:48is it in the experience that brings this
2:49:50move into protection? Is there a sound?
2:49:54Is there something in particular you
2:49:55see? A tone of voice or a look on
2:49:58someone's face as you move into
2:50:01protection. What are the words you hear?
2:50:03Is there a belief that arises?
2:50:05Stop here and take time to document what
2:50:08you've discovered.
2:50:11Next, return to the other experience of
2:50:13danger and explore the cues that bring
2:50:15the move into mobilization and the
2:50:17energy of fight and flight. Again, look
2:50:20for a sound, something in particular you
2:50:22see, a tone of voice, a look on
2:50:24someone's face, words you hear, or
2:50:27belief that appears.
2:50:29Document the specific cues that move you
2:50:31into this state of protection.
2:50:35Now, turn to the experience that was
2:50:37filled with cues of safety. What is it
2:50:39in the experience that brings a move
2:50:41into connection? Is there something in
2:50:43the environment with another person? As
2:50:46you move into connection, what words do
2:50:48you hear? Is there a belief that emerges
2:50:51here? Again, stop and document what
2:50:54you've discovered.
2:50:58Finding patterns.
2:51:01As we explore what moves us into
2:51:03protection or connection, we begin to
2:51:05look for patterns. Are there certain
2:51:08tones of voice or facial expressions or
2:51:10words that invite connection or activate
2:51:13protection?
2:51:15For most people, a face with a smile
2:51:17brings a pattern of connection and a
2:51:19face without expression activates a
2:51:21pattern of protection. Are there certain
2:51:24sounds? The sound of the sea
2:51:27automatically brings me into connection
2:51:29while the sound of lots of people
2:51:30talking activates a move into
2:51:32protection.
2:51:34How about the environment?
2:51:36For me, a seascape invites me into
2:51:38connection, while a cityscape takes me
2:51:40to protection.
2:51:43Bring your attention to people and pets.
2:51:45There are certain people in our lives
2:51:47who bring cues of safety, while other
2:51:49people activate cues of danger.
2:51:52Combinations of people often do the
2:51:54same. Large groups of people tend to
2:51:57activate my pattern of protection, while
2:51:59groups of three or four offer a safe
2:52:01invitation for connection.
2:52:04Pets have been shown to predictably
2:52:05bring alive patterns of connection. So
2:52:08if people are cues of danger for you, a
2:52:10pet can bring a safe sense of mammal to
2:52:12mammal connection.
2:52:15Take time to explore your responses. As
2:52:18we get to know our particular patterns,
2:52:21to know the elements that move us toward
2:52:22and away, we can use this information to
2:52:25create an equation where the cues of
2:52:27safety outweigh the cues of danger.
2:52:32Building a flexible system.
2:52:36We know that well-being is an outcome of
2:52:38a flexible autonomic nervous system. We
2:52:41will all at times be pulled into
2:52:43patterns of protection and struggle to
2:52:45find our way back to connection. But as
2:52:48we increase our ability to move between
2:52:50patterns of protection and patterns of
2:52:52connection and not get stuck in
2:52:54protection, we build flexibility.
2:52:58Flexibility is tied to resilience.
2:53:01Resilience is an outcome of a nervous
2:53:03system that moves from patterns of
2:53:04connection to protection and back to
2:53:07connection with some ease. A way to
2:53:10measure our level of resilience is by
2:53:12tracking how often we get pulled into
2:53:14protection, how long we stay there, and
2:53:17how easily we can find our way back into
2:53:19connection.
2:53:22Exploration. Getting unstuck.
2:53:26Listen.
2:53:28First, find your anchor in safety and
2:53:30then set the intention to explore an
2:53:32experience of being stuck in a survival
2:53:35state. Think of a situation that
2:53:38activated one of your survival
2:53:40responses. See where you're stuck,
2:53:42unable to move out of a place of
2:53:44mobilization or shutdown, even though
2:53:46you really want to. Listen to the story
2:53:49you're telling yourself. Remember,
2:53:52information is traveling the bodytobrain
2:53:54pathways. It's your brain's job to make
2:53:57sense of what's happening in your body.
2:53:59So, the brain creates a story filled
2:54:01with motive and meaning. The story is
2:54:03often one of blame, criticism, and
2:54:06judgment of ourselves or others. As you
2:54:09explore, remind yourself to just listen.
2:54:12This is an information gathering step,
2:54:14not a time to make changes.
2:54:17Be curious.
2:54:19Now that you've heard the brain story,
2:54:22turn toward your autonomic story. To do
2:54:25this, first notice the survival state
2:54:27and then name it. When you look through
2:54:30the lens of your nervous system, where
2:54:31are you? Mobilized or shut down? Remind
2:54:35yourself that this response is activated
2:54:37because the connection protection
2:54:39equation is out of balance. Your biology
2:54:42has reacted to a neurosception of
2:54:44danger.
2:54:45Remembering that and naming your
2:54:47experience in this way begins the
2:54:49process of letting go of judgment and
2:54:51self-lame and making room for curiosity.
2:54:54As you turn toward your state, listen to
2:54:57the story your nervous system tells.
2:55:00Look for the ways the story is similar
2:55:02to or different from the one your brain
2:55:04creates.
2:55:07Change the equation.
2:55:10We know we're taken out of connection
2:55:12into protection when the cues of danger
2:55:14outweigh the cues of safety. Bring your
2:55:16attention to identifying the cues of
2:55:18danger. Can you reduce or resolve any of
2:55:21them? Then explore adding cues of
2:55:24safety. What might be possible to bring
2:55:26into the experience? Play with this
2:55:29until you find the combination of cues
2:55:31that begins to move your system out of
2:55:33the pattern of protection and back into
2:55:35a state of connection back into enough
2:55:38safety to get unstuck.
2:55:41See what emerges.
2:55:44An emergent property of being anchored
2:55:46in safety and regulation is the ability
2:55:48to move ahead, find options, and
2:55:51creatively solve problems. What happens
2:55:54as you shift the balance in your
2:55:55equation? What changes when the cues of
2:55:58safety begin to outweigh the cues of
2:56:00danger? Bring curiosity to the change in
2:56:03your state and the autonomic and
2:56:05cognitive stories that accompany that
2:56:08change.
2:56:10moving between.
2:56:13Sometimes our states work in harmony.
2:56:15When our vententral state holds the
2:56:17space for sympathetic and dorsal states
2:56:19to play their important roles, the path
2:56:22between the states is easy to travel and
2:56:24the experience is one of well-being.
2:56:27At other times, our sympathetic or
2:56:29dorsal states take over and the path
2:56:31becomes more challenging. The following
2:56:34meditation, which I first introduced in
2:56:37my book, The Polyvagel Theory and
2:56:38Therapy, is a way to begin to get to
2:56:41know your pathways of connection and
2:56:43protection.
2:56:46Just as an anchor holds a ship safely,
2:56:49you can anchor in your vententral veagal
2:56:51state. Feel yourself rooted in the
2:56:54energy of safety the system offers.
2:56:57Your breath is full and each exhalation
2:57:00moves you along the pathway that
2:57:02supports safety and connection.
2:57:04There's a rhythm to your heart rate and
2:57:06this beat brings well-being.
2:57:09You're held in the autonomic safety
2:57:11circuit. Your bodytobrain pathway sends
2:57:14messages of stability and the returning
2:57:17braintobody pathway creates a story of
2:57:19safety.
2:57:21From this foundation of safety, with the
2:57:24sense of your anchor being firmly
2:57:26planted in your vententral veagal
2:57:27system, you can begin the journey to
2:57:29explore your sympathetic and dorsal
2:57:31veagal responses.
2:57:34First, reach into the mobilized energy
2:57:36of the sympathetic nervous system. Feel
2:57:39your breath change and your heart rate
2:57:41speed up. You might want to move and
2:57:44your thoughts might begin to swirl.
2:57:46Imagine the sympathetic sea and the
2:57:48energy that moves here mobilizing your
2:57:51system toward action. Perhaps you can
2:57:54feel the wind blowing, disturbing the
2:57:56sea and sense the waves, rolling
2:57:59breakers, and crashing surf. Notice that
2:58:02you can safely navigate this sympathetic
2:58:04storm. You're tethered to your safety
2:58:07circuit. Remember that your anchor is
2:58:10deeply dug into the firm ground of
2:58:12vententral veagal regulation.
2:58:15Return to the place where you first set
2:58:17your anchor. Feel into the regulating
2:58:20energies of breath and heart rate. Feel
2:58:23the flow of warmth in your chest and
2:58:25sense the solid ground beneath you. Your
2:58:28ventagal system is sending you signals
2:58:31of safety.
2:58:33And now gently begin the descent into
2:58:35the dorsal veagal state. This is not the
2:58:38dorsal dive that can take you out of
2:58:40present time awareness into numbness.
2:58:44This is just an experimental dipping of
2:58:46your toe into the feeling of
2:58:47disconnection.
2:58:49Energy might begin to drain from your
2:58:51body and everything might start to slow
2:58:54down. You might feel a restriction of
2:58:56movement.
2:58:58Manage this experience by bringing
2:59:00active remembrance of your connection to
2:59:02your vententral veagal state, the place
2:59:05you first set your anchor. Feel those
2:59:08regulating energies controlling the
2:59:10depth and the speed of your dorsal
2:59:12veagal descent.
2:59:13You're moving along a slope, not
2:59:15plummeting into space. Your anchor is
2:59:18secure, holding your place in vententral
2:59:21veagal regulation, allowing you to
2:59:23safely explore the dorsal veagal
2:59:26experience.
2:59:28And now come back once more to where you
2:59:30started in vententral veagal regulation.
2:59:33Return to where you set your anchor.
2:59:36Savor the ways you can befriend your
2:59:38sympathetic nervous system and dorsal
2:59:40veagal responses when you're guided by
2:59:43your autonomic safety circuit.
2:59:48Exploration traveling regulated
2:59:51pathways.
2:59:53Having used the meditation you just
2:59:55heard as a beginning guide for moving
2:59:57between states, we can now explore the
3:00:00pathways that help us move between
3:00:02states with safety and ease. Start by
3:00:05imagining the route you follow when your
3:00:07three states are connected and working
3:00:09together. The vententral state is
3:00:12regulating your system while the
3:00:14sympathetic and dorsal states work in
3:00:16the background. The sympathetic system
3:00:19brings you the energy needed to move
3:00:20through the day. And the dorsal system
3:00:23regulates your digestion, bringing
3:00:25nutrients to nourish you. This is the
3:00:28state of healthy homeostasis, the place
3:00:30of well-being. You're anchored in
3:00:33regulation and traveling with a sense of
3:00:35safety. You might see an actual path to
3:00:37walk, a rope to hold on to, or a ladder
3:00:40to climb. Maybe you take an elevator or
3:00:43ride a stream of light. Take time to
3:00:45find your own unique route between
3:00:47states.
3:00:50And now experiment with traveling your
3:00:52personal pathway. Imagine moving through
3:00:55the states from vententral to
3:00:57sympathetic to dorsal, back through
3:00:59sympathetic to vententral again.
3:01:02Notice how your pathway supports you in
3:01:04moving between states with flexibility
3:01:07and ease.
3:01:09Change your image in any way that you
3:01:10need to feel fully safe and supported.
3:01:13Take some time to document the regulated
3:01:16pathway that leads you safely between
3:01:18slow dorsal nourishment, sympathetic
3:01:22excitement, and the flow of vententral
3:01:24connection.
3:01:25Many people find some form of
3:01:28illustration or a combination of art and
3:01:29words is helpful when documenting these
3:01:32pathways.
3:01:35Exploration navigating pathways of
3:01:38protection.
3:01:40With the experience of moving through a
3:01:42regulated system using your pathway
3:01:44image, we can begin to explore how to
3:01:47safely travel between states when we're
3:01:49challenged by sympathetic energy and
3:01:52dorsal protection. First, let's explore
3:01:55the pathway downward out of connection
3:01:57and find what keeps you from freef
3:01:59falling into a sympathetic state and
3:02:01then plummeting to dorsal. How do you
3:02:04slow the descent? You can use your
3:02:06regulated pathway and add details to
3:02:09safeguard your journey. You might want
3:02:11resting places along the path, a railing
3:02:14or handholds, more stopping points in an
3:02:16elevator, or more shades of color in a
3:02:19light stream.
3:02:20Sometimes the path through protection is
3:02:23totally different from the path through
3:02:24regulation. Your gentle trail to walk
3:02:27could turn into a cliff to scale. Turn
3:02:30inward. Take time to listen and let your
3:02:33nervous system show you the pathway that
3:02:35leads downward out of connection and the
3:02:38elements that help you safely make that
3:02:40journey.
3:02:42Having explored how to regulate the move
3:02:44out of connection down through the two
3:02:46states of protection, let's now look at
3:02:48the mechanics of traveling the pathway
3:02:50in reverse.
3:02:52Coming out of dorsal immobilization to
3:02:55connect with some sympathetic mobilizing
3:02:57energy is challenging to do on our own.
3:03:00We often need help with that beginning
3:03:02movement upward. Maybe there's a button
3:03:04you push to begin the ascent, a stream
3:03:07of light that helps you begin to beam
3:03:09up, or a hand that reaches out to you.
3:03:12Take the time you need to let your
3:03:14nervous system send you the image.
3:03:17To continue the journey upward to
3:03:19vententral connection, we need to
3:03:21connect with the mobilizing energy in an
3:03:24organized way. Without a way to safely
3:03:27connect with the energy, we will either
3:03:29stay stuck here or take the path back to
3:03:32dorsal. What is needed here to support
3:03:34you in using this energy as a resource
3:03:37to keep you heading up into vententral
3:03:39regulation.
3:03:40This might be a continuation of the
3:03:42element that began the ascent from
3:03:44dorsal or it might be something new.
3:03:47Find the element that keeps you moving
3:03:48and helps you stay on track.
3:03:52Now that you've discovered the essential
3:03:54elements of your pathways out of safety
3:03:57into survival and back to safety, go
3:03:59ahead and make the trek down and back.
3:04:02Use these pathways and become
3:04:04comfortable with how they work and
3:04:06confident in your ability to travel
3:04:08them. Each time you do this, you'll
3:04:10strengthen your ability to move from
3:04:12connection to protection and back again.
3:04:16These are the pathways that help you
3:04:18manage your move out of connection into
3:04:20protection and guide you home to safety
3:04:22and regulation and the possibilities
3:04:24that come from being anchored in a
3:04:27vententral state. Take time to document
3:04:30what you've discovered.
3:04:33Exploration. Appreciating our home away
3:04:36from home.
3:04:38When we work with our patterns of
3:04:40protection from an anchor in regulation,
3:04:43we can understand and appreciate the
3:04:45ways our autonomic nervous system acts
3:04:47in service of our survival. To safely
3:04:50explore your home away from home, the
3:04:53place your autonomic nervous system has
3:04:55learned to take you when you're in need
3:04:57of protection, start by first anchoring
3:05:00in the vententral state. This is where
3:05:02you feel safe, your system is regulated,
3:05:05and your patterns of connection are
3:05:07found.
3:05:08Try placing a hand on your body where
3:05:10you feel the energy of your vententral
3:05:12home. Settle here for a moment and feel
3:05:15the safety and regulation that is
3:05:17present.
3:05:19And now let your system show you your
3:05:22home away from home. The place where you
3:05:24go to find protection when the safety of
3:05:26connection is lost. Remember, you're
3:05:29still safe in your vententral home.
3:05:31You're going on a journey while staying
3:05:33safely anchored here.
3:05:35You're bringing gratitude for the ways
3:05:37this home away from home has sheltered
3:05:39you along with curiosity and a wish to
3:05:42learn more about this place.
3:05:45Invite this place that has rescued you
3:05:47when the world has felt too dangerous to
3:05:50show you the way it works in service of
3:05:52your survival.
3:05:54Invite information through images and
3:05:56words. Just listen and take things in
3:05:59without any thought that you need to
3:06:01change anything.
3:06:03Stay open to learning, to hearing, to
3:06:06understanding the protective intentions
3:06:08of this place.
3:06:10Take a moment to send a message of
3:06:12gratitude to this state, this home away
3:06:15from home that's been such an important
3:06:17part of your life. You know this place
3:06:20now in a new way, can journey here again
3:06:23when you want, and can trust that your
3:06:25home away from home will be welcoming in
3:06:27the moments when your system reaches for
3:06:29protection.
3:06:31Now return to present time. Come back to
3:06:34this time and this place. Take a moment
3:06:38to reflect on the journey you just took.
3:06:40Document what you discovered and want to
3:06:42remember.
3:06:45As we reach the end of this chapter, I
3:06:48want to reflect on the ways we are all
3:06:50at times in our lives taken out of
3:06:52connection into protection.
3:06:54We encounter experiences that are too
3:06:56much for our capacity to stay anchored
3:06:59in vententral safety and connection. And
3:07:01our old familiar patterns of sympathetic
3:07:04fight and flight or dorsal collapse come
3:07:06to the rescue.
3:07:08Sometimes it's a fleeting event that
3:07:10sparks a moment of protection. And
3:07:12sometimes we find ourselves in
3:07:14situations with the ongoing potential to
3:07:16take us out of connection into
3:07:18protection.
3:07:20None of us can stay permanently engaged
3:07:22for the world and the people around us
3:07:24from our patterns of connection. It's an
3:07:26unreasonable and unattainable
3:07:28expectation of ourselves and others. In
3:07:32fact, it is our ability to recognize
3:07:34when we move into a place of protection
3:07:37and find our way back into connection
3:07:39that is the hallmark of resilience.
3:07:42We are works in progress and our
3:07:45autonomic nervous systems are listening
3:07:46and learning in each moment. Our ability
3:07:50to connect with awareness to our
3:07:52autonomic experiences naturally es and
3:07:55flows. My work and your work is to
3:07:58notice the move into protection, bring
3:08:01awareness to it, stay out of self-
3:08:03judgment, and bring some self-compassion
3:08:06so that we can return to our anchor in
3:08:08safety and connection.
3:08:11Some days finding my way out of
3:08:12protection feels beyond my reach, and
3:08:15other days I'm able to easily find my
3:08:17way back to my anchor and connection. My
3:08:20invitation to you is to notice your
3:08:22patterns, bring self-compassion to your
3:08:25experiences of protection, and take
3:08:27delight in your times of connection.
3:08:32Seven, anchoring in safety.
3:08:36In the middle of winter, I at last
3:08:39discovered that there was in me an
3:08:41invincible summer. Albear Kimu.
3:08:46I think of our vententral veagal state
3:08:48of regulation as the autonomic nervous
3:08:50systems invincible summer. It is an
3:08:53embodied biological resource that is
3:08:56always present, available, and there to
3:08:58guide us toward well-being.
3:09:01Although circumstances may make us feel
3:09:03disconnected from this resource, we all
3:09:06have a vententral veagal state that we
3:09:08can reconnect with and use to anchor in
3:09:10safety.
3:09:12Ventro veagal at the top of the
3:09:14hierarchy is the essential ingredient
3:09:16for our well-being. While one autonomic
3:09:19state is not better than another and
3:09:21each has a non-reactive everyday role
3:09:24along with its survival role, it's the
3:09:26energy of vententral that we need to be
3:09:28in active connection with in order to
3:09:31feel safe and to engage with the world.
3:09:34When our vententral veagal state is
3:09:36enlivened and overseeing the system, our
3:09:39sympathetic and dorsal veagal states
3:09:41work in the background, helping us stay
3:09:43physically and psychologically healthy.
3:09:46When the vententral state is no longer
3:09:47in charge, we miss its regulating
3:09:50influence and experience health
3:09:52challenges, feel distress in
3:09:54relationships, and have difficulty
3:09:56navigating our daily lives. Without our
3:09:59anchor in the vententral system, we are
3:10:01at sea, lost and confused.
3:10:05Whether fully anchored in vententral or
3:10:07just having a toe hold there, when we
3:10:09feel enough of this energy of safety, we
3:10:12have access to our four pathways of
3:10:14connection and are able to meet the
3:10:16challenges in our day. Rather than
3:10:19thinking we need to be fully immersed,
3:10:21we can think about having a critical
3:10:23mass of vententral. We only need enough
3:10:26of a connection to vententral to bring
3:10:28the system online and keep it
3:10:30operational.
3:10:32There are times when I feel in danger of
3:10:34being overwhelmed by the demands of my
3:10:36day. When that happens, I remind myself
3:10:39that although I may not feel deeply
3:10:40rooted in regulation, I can hold on to
3:10:43just enough vententral energy to stay
3:10:45organized and engaged and manage to make
3:10:48it through my day. I imagine reaching
3:10:50for vententral connection. Sometimes I
3:10:53use the image of reaching for vententral
3:10:55and other times I actually stretch my
3:10:57arm up over my head to reach for some
3:10:59regulating energy.
3:11:01Then I begin to hear the vententral
3:11:03story that reassures me there is in fact
3:11:05enough regulating energy available in my
3:11:08system and I can stay in connection with
3:11:10it. What is your image of connecting
3:11:13with enough vententral to make it safely
3:11:15through your day? Experiment with seeing
3:11:18the image in your imagination and
3:11:20bringing it to life through an action.
3:11:25Concentric circles.
3:11:28One way to explore the energies and
3:11:30actions of the nervous system is through
3:11:32the imagery of three circles. You can
3:11:35find an example in the bonus material.
3:11:39Imagine the dorsal veagal system as the
3:11:42first and center circle. This is where
3:11:45the story of the autonomic nervous
3:11:47system begins both in the evolutionary
3:11:49history of human beings and in our
3:11:52development within the womb. This center
3:11:55circle is surrounded by a larger circle
3:11:57representing the sympathetic system. And
3:12:00these two circles are held by an outer
3:12:02circle representing our vententral
3:12:04veagal system. This outer circle is the
3:12:07last to come online developing in the
3:12:10third trimester of pregnancy around 30
3:12:12weeks on and continuing to develop
3:12:15through the first one or two years of
3:12:17life.
3:12:18The metaphor I use is of the vententral
3:12:21veagal system encircling the sympathetic
3:12:23and dorsal veagal systems, holding them
3:12:25both in a warm embrace. When I want to
3:12:28extend vententral veagal energy to
3:12:30someone, I'll often hold my arms out as
3:12:32if I'm offering a hug and let them know
3:12:35I'm sending them my ventilagal energy. I
3:12:38do that with clients, with colleagues,
3:12:40and in my trainings. And it's become a
3:12:42shorthand that I use to let people know
3:12:44I'm holding them in the safety and
3:12:46regulation of my vententral veagal
3:12:48energy. I'm offering them a vententral
3:12:51veagal embrace.
3:12:53As you hear these words, imagine that my
3:12:56arms are reaching out to offer you my
3:12:58vententral veagal energy. See if you can
3:13:01receive that and take that in.
3:13:05And now try it yourself. Anchor in
3:13:07vententral and feel the ways your system
3:13:09is in balance.
3:13:11Explore how you can offer your
3:13:13vententral veagal energy to someone
3:13:14else. While outstretched arms work for
3:13:18me, try a variety of movements and find
3:13:21the one that's a fit for your system.
3:13:24Experiment and see the movement that
3:13:26emerges.
3:13:27Once you find your movement, use it to
3:13:29extend your energy to someone.
3:13:32Feel what happens for you when you use
3:13:34your movement to make an offer and
3:13:36imagine what happens for them as they
3:13:38receive the invitation.
3:13:40and then find someone to experiment
3:13:42with. This can be done either remotely
3:13:44or in person. See how it feels to be
3:13:47with someone and hold them in your
3:13:49vententral embrace.
3:13:51Ask the other person what it's like on
3:13:53their end. Play with changing the
3:13:55movement and see what happens on both
3:13:57ends of the experience.
3:14:00Find the way of connecting that feels
3:14:02co-regulating.
3:14:05Exploration. Lighting up your circles.
3:14:10Begin by imagining the principal colors
3:14:12that represent the three circles of your
3:14:14autonomic nervous system. Invite your
3:14:17brain to take a rest and rather than
3:14:20making a cognitive choice, let your
3:14:22autonomic nervous system be your guide.
3:14:25Start with finding the color of your
3:14:27center dorsal circle.
3:14:30Then add the color of your surrounding
3:14:32sympathetic circle and finally the color
3:14:35of your vententral outer ring that holds
3:14:37the others in a circle of safety.
3:14:40Explore hand motions to accompany each
3:14:43circle. I sometimes hold my hands
3:14:45clasped tightly together imagining
3:14:47dorsal spread my fingers apart just
3:14:50touching for sympathetic and then have
3:14:52my hands wide apart to hold the other
3:14:55two in vententral
3:14:57along with hand motions. Explore other
3:14:59ways to hold your states. You might
3:15:01imagine holding three different sized
3:15:03balls of light or three streams of
3:15:06energy. Take a moment and experiment
3:15:09with a variety of ways you can hold your
3:15:11states.
3:15:13From this starting point, the next step
3:15:15is to get to know the ways your states
3:15:17intertwine. For this, we move beyond the
3:15:20basic colors. Invite shades of colors in
3:15:23the co-mingling of colors. Begin with a
3:15:26vententral state and see how color fills
3:15:28your circle. There might be a variety of
3:15:31colors that make up this circle or
3:15:32different shades of one color. See how
3:15:35the colors of your vententral veagal
3:15:37system illustrate the qualities of
3:15:39anchoring and safety and connection.
3:15:42Watch your colors change as you feel how
3:15:44this energy shapes the ways you navigate
3:15:47safely through the world.
3:15:50Now add the shades and colors of your
3:15:52sympathetic circle. See how the colors
3:15:54of your two circles complement each
3:15:56other. Sense into the connection between
3:15:59your vententral and sympathetic systems.
3:16:02Feel the ways your sympathetic system
3:16:04adds energy and your vententral system
3:16:06regulates it. See how the colors blend
3:16:09and separate.
3:16:11And now add the shades and colors of
3:16:13your inner dorsal circle. What appears
3:16:15to represent the slow and steady energy
3:16:18of this state.
3:16:20Notice the similarities and differences
3:16:22between these colors and the colors in
3:16:24your other two circles.
3:16:27Travel from circle to circle to move
3:16:29between your states. Watch each circle
3:16:31light up as you travel from one to the
3:16:33next. Each has its own individual color
3:16:37palette and brings important benefits
3:16:39for your well-being.
3:16:41Finish your exploration by seeing your
3:16:43three circles all light up together.
3:16:47When the vententral circle is actively
3:16:49embracing the other two, we can
3:16:51experience physical and psychological
3:16:53well-being and all of the emergent
3:16:55properties of a system in regulation.
3:16:58Some of the physical health benefits
3:17:01include reduced incidence of heart
3:17:03disease, regulated blood pressure, a
3:17:06healthy immune system, reduced
3:17:08inflammation, and good digestion.
3:17:12Mental health benefits include reduced
3:17:14stress, less depression and anxiety, and
3:17:17increased self-compassion and
3:17:18compassion.
3:17:20See the intertwining of your circles and
3:17:23soak in the qualities that accompany
3:17:25this state of well-being.
3:17:28The many flavors of vententral.
3:17:32While we often think a vententral state
3:17:34is characterized by being calm or happy,
3:17:37our vententral veagal system actually
3:17:39brings a multitude of experiences.
3:17:42Along with calm and happy, when we're
3:17:44anchored in our vententral state, we can
3:17:46be excited, joyfilled, aware, engaged,
3:17:50passionate, curious, compassionate,
3:17:53alert, ready, and focused. There are
3:17:56many flavors of vententral, but the
3:17:58common ingredient is the neurosception
3:18:00of safety that underlies the state. Take
3:18:03a moment to see what words describe your
3:18:06vententral veagal experiences.
3:18:10Exploration of vententral continuum.
3:18:14Using a continuum is an easy way to get
3:18:16to know our personal vententral flavors.
3:18:19With a continuum, we map the gradual
3:18:21changes that happen between first
3:18:23dipping a toe in the vententral state
3:18:25and being fully immersed in the
3:18:27experience.
3:18:28To create your continuum, start by
3:18:31moving into connection with your
3:18:32vententral veagal system. Find it in
3:18:35your body. Bring your landscape to life
3:18:37or reconnect with your vententral veagal
3:18:39circle. Feel the first stirrings of
3:18:42ventral energy. What would you name this
3:18:45moment? What would you label this place
3:18:48on your continuum?
3:18:50Some examples include ease, softening,
3:18:53relaxing, arriving, or present. Listen
3:18:56to your nervous system and find the word
3:18:58that names this moment for you.
3:19:02And now imagine the other end of the
3:19:04continuum. The place where you are fully
3:19:06immersed in the abundance of your
3:19:08vententral veagal energy. What is the
3:19:10name of this place? It might be
3:19:13abundance. alive, feeling at one with or
3:19:16passionate. Listen and let your nervous
3:19:19system send you the word for this place.
3:19:23Having named the experiences of entering
3:19:25and of being fully immersed in the
3:19:27vententral veagal system, you can now
3:19:29travel along the continuum to find the
3:19:32flavors of vententral safety that are in
3:19:34the space between.
3:19:36You might see your continuum as a line
3:19:38and move along it from one end to the
3:19:40other. or imagine traveling around your
3:19:42vententral veagal circle or your
3:19:45continuum may appear in a totally new
3:19:47design.
3:19:48Experiment until you find the shape that
3:19:51represents your experience. Draw that
3:19:53shape on paper and add the names for
3:19:56entering and immersion.
3:19:58Slowly move around your continuum,
3:20:00stopping to feel the flavors.
3:20:03Name each of the vententral experiences
3:20:05you find and add them to your continuum.
3:20:09When you've moved from one end to the
3:20:11other, slowly travel your continuum in
3:20:14both directions. Feel the variety of
3:20:17experiences possible and the changes
3:20:20that happen between dipping a toe in the
3:20:22energy of regulation and being fully
3:20:24anchored in safety. Stop at each point
3:20:27to feel the way that particular favor of
3:20:30vententral comes alive.
3:20:32There are a number of ways to use your
3:20:34continuum. Regularly return to your
3:20:36continuum and travel from end to end to
3:20:38deepen your connection to your
3:20:40vententral state. When you feel yourself
3:20:42beginning to be pulled into a state of
3:20:44protection and need to find your way to
3:20:46safety and regulation, go to the entry
3:20:49point on your continuum and find your
3:20:51way to the beginnings of vententral
3:20:53safety and regulation.
3:20:56Your continuum is a map of safety and
3:20:58regulation that evolves as you get to
3:21:00know your vententral veagal system. Over
3:21:03time, you may find more places you want
3:21:05to name or names you want to change.
3:21:08Whether you draw a simple line and add
3:21:10words or create an artistic
3:21:12representation, your continuum is a
3:21:14resource that helps you strengthen your
3:21:16pathways of connection.
3:21:20Glimmers.
3:21:22While we may have extended periods of
3:21:24time when we move through the world
3:21:26anchored in safety and connection, we
3:21:28also have micro moments when we feel a
3:21:31spark of vententral energy. I call these
3:21:33glimmers. Glimmers are all around us.
3:21:37But from a state of protection, they are
3:21:39very hard to find. Even when we are
3:21:41anchored in safety and connection, we
3:21:43can miss glimmers if we're not looking.
3:21:46Humans have a built-in negativity bias.
3:21:50In order to support our survival, we're
3:21:52wired to respond more intensely to
3:21:54negative experiences than equally
3:21:57intense positive ones. We have to
3:22:00actively look for, take notice of, and
3:22:02keep track of these moments or micro
3:22:05moments of safety and connection that
3:22:07are our glimmers. Otherwise, they can
3:22:09easily pass right by without our
3:22:11knowing. As we begin to bring awareness
3:22:14to our glimmers, the moments begin to
3:22:16add up. We begin to feel more and more
3:22:18vententral energy and build our capacity
3:22:21to anchor there. Glimmers help us travel
3:22:24an upward spiral of safety and
3:22:26connection and our foundation of
3:22:28regulation is strengthened.
3:22:31Finding glimmers doesn't mean that we
3:22:32don't also experience suffering. Rather,
3:22:35it's an acknowledgment that our nervous
3:22:37system is capable of holding both
3:22:39moments of safety and moments of
3:22:41survival. It's easy to forget this when
3:22:44we're immersed in a time of distress.
3:22:46And yet, when we bring an intention to
3:22:48notice glimmers, we feel the response of
3:22:51our nervous system to these moments of
3:22:54ventilagal energy. Stop for a moment and
3:22:57look around you. Is there a glimmer
3:22:59waiting to be noticed?
3:23:02Exploration. Finding glimmers.
3:23:06Yesterday, I spotted a red cardinal and
3:23:08stopped for a moment to watch him. Later
3:23:11in the day, I smelled the scent of fresh
3:23:12cut grass through my window. These
3:23:15glimmers from yesterday make me curious
3:23:17about what I'll find on my path today.
3:23:20This is the commonly reported experience
3:23:22of glimmers. Once we begin to see them,
3:23:25we look for more and discover glimmers
3:23:27are not uncommon experiences. When we
3:23:30are open to finding them, they show up
3:23:32frequently in our daily lives.
3:23:36Connecting with a glimmer.
3:23:39How do you know you've connected with a
3:23:40glimmer? You may experience it in your
3:23:43body. One of the ways I recognize a
3:23:45glimmer is with a feeling of softening
3:23:47around my eyes in the beginning of a
3:23:49smile. A thought may catch your
3:23:51attention. Or you may notice a glimmer
3:23:53through your senses. A smell, a taste, a
3:23:56sight, a sound, the touch of something.
3:23:58Take a moment to notice how you know
3:24:01you've encountered a glimmer.
3:24:04A glimmer can be a micro moment that's
3:24:06predictably present in your world. For
3:24:09me, this is seeing the stars in the
3:24:11early morning. I'm an early morning
3:24:13person, and many mornings when I get up,
3:24:15I go outside and look up at the sky just
3:24:17to stand under the stars and take in
3:24:20that moment. Is there a predictably
3:24:23present glimmer for you to connect with?
3:24:26Glimmers can also be unexpected moments
3:24:28that appear on your path. In the moment
3:24:30when you feel the spark of a flavor of
3:24:33vententral veagal energy, stop, notice,
3:24:36and take it in.
3:24:39Setting an intention.
3:24:42Setting an intention is a way to support
3:24:44this new practice. My glimmer intention
3:24:47is to look for the glimmers that are on
3:24:49my path today, waiting for me to find
3:24:51them. I have a friend who made an
3:24:53intention to see one glimmer a day for a
3:24:56week and another whose intention was to
3:24:58look for a glimmer to begin her day.
3:25:01Take a moment and create your own
3:25:03glimmer intention.
3:25:05Write your intention and then read it
3:25:06out loud to yourself. Does your
3:25:08intention feel doable?
3:25:11Set an intention that feels anchored in
3:25:13a vententral veagal sense of
3:25:14possibility.
3:25:16An intention can feel too small to catch
3:25:18your interest or too big to use
3:25:21successfully. Play with the words until
3:25:23you find the ones that are just right
3:25:25for your nervous system to say yes to.
3:25:30When we make an intention to look for
3:25:32glimmers, we're often surprised by what
3:25:34we find. Glimmers are all around us as
3:25:37we move through our daily activities.
3:25:39They are drops of vententral energy that
3:25:41bring nourishing moments of connection.
3:25:43Our challenge is to notice them when
3:25:45they happen.
3:25:47It's helpful to keep a record of
3:25:49glimmers, to track the many places and
3:25:51ways they appear in our lives. When we
3:25:54know where we predictably find glimmers,
3:25:57we can make a practice of returning to
3:25:58those places and experiencing the
3:26:00vententral veagal energy they offer.
3:26:03Keep a glimmer notebook or find a place
3:26:05to note them in your journal.
3:26:08The fleeting nature of a glimmer.
3:26:11Sometimes rather than bringing a micro
3:26:14moment of vententral energy, beginning
3:26:16to find glimmers can feel dangerous. I
3:26:19have a friend who compared her
3:26:20experience of glimmers to building a
3:26:22sand castle at the surf's edge and
3:26:24having it swept away. For her, the
3:26:27fleeting nature of a glimmer brought
3:26:29sadness. If your experience as you begin
3:26:32to search for and see glimmers is like
3:26:34this, start by looking for a predictable
3:26:36glimmer, something you can count on to
3:26:38appear in your life. My friend's love of
3:26:41nature and daily walks offered her a way
3:26:44to regularly notice a glimmer and make
3:26:46glimmers a predictable and nourishing
3:26:48part of her daily life. Being able to
3:26:50count on glimmers appearing and
3:26:53reappearing on her walks created the
3:26:55safety she needed to be open to the
3:26:57unexpected glimmer moments.
3:27:01Everyday safety.
3:27:04Along with glimmers, our everyday
3:27:06experiences offer opportunities to
3:27:08anchor in vententral veagal safety.
3:27:11Often the simple things we do, things
3:27:13we're intuitively drawn to and our
3:27:15nervous system guides us toward are
3:27:18regulating for us even without our
3:27:20awareness. And while the act of engaging
3:27:22with these brings our vententral veagal
3:27:24state alive, when we stop and notice the
3:27:27moment, bring it into awareness and
3:27:29intentionally savor it, we deepen the
3:27:31experience and strengthen the state.
3:27:34When we find easy ways to reach for
3:27:36vententral, we harness the power of
3:27:39those ordinary experiences.
3:27:42In my conversations with people around
3:27:44the world, it seems what we choose to
3:27:46wear is a common way we wrap ourselves
3:27:48in vententral vehicle energy. We have a
3:27:51favorite shirt, sweater, sweatpants or
3:27:53shoes. And when we put them on, we feel
3:27:55the safety, warmth, and connection of a
3:27:57vententral veagal experience. I have a
3:28:00favorite sweater I love to wear. It
3:28:02brings me a sense of confidence. And at
3:28:04the same time, I feel comforted by the
3:28:06memories of other times I've worn my
3:28:08sweater and felt wrapped in vententral
3:28:10regulation.
3:28:12Do you have something like that?
3:28:14something that you put on that makes you
3:28:16feel immediately safe and comforted and
3:28:18ready to meet the world.
3:28:21Another way to feel anchored in the
3:28:22ventral state is through our sense of
3:28:24smell. Odors have an impact on the
3:28:26autonomic nervous system and smelling a
3:28:29familiar pleasant odor is a way to
3:28:31anchor in the energy of regulation.
3:28:34I love the smell of the sea and pine
3:28:36trees. These are the smells of home for
3:28:39me. I light a scented candle and find my
3:28:42way to regulation.
3:28:44Think about your own experience with
3:28:45smell. What are the scents that take you
3:28:48to your vententral home and how can you
3:28:50bring them into your environment?
3:28:53There are places in the world that bring
3:28:54our vententral veagal state alive and
3:28:56that we're drawn to explore or inhabit.
3:28:59In certain environments, we easily
3:29:02connect to our vententral energy. I feel
3:29:05this in what I call ends of the earth
3:29:07places. I love the places where the land
3:29:10meets the sea at the very furthest
3:29:12point. the places that are still a bit
3:29:14wild and isolated.
3:29:16I have a friend who feels the same thing
3:29:18in the midst of a bustling city and
3:29:20another who longs to be within sight of
3:29:22the mountains. We each have our own
3:29:25places where we feel an embodied sense
3:29:27of being home. Places where we feel
3:29:30reliably and deeply anchored in safety.
3:29:33What are the environments that feel like
3:29:35your autonomic home? Where are the
3:29:38places in your world that bring that
3:29:40experience alive?
3:29:42In addition to the larger environments
3:29:44we're pulled to, we also have personal
3:29:47places where we predictably find a
3:29:49vententral connection. I have a corner
3:29:51in my home where I sit and feel content.
3:29:54A friend shared with me that he has a
3:29:56favorite place in his local coffee shop.
3:29:58And another friend told me his place was
3:30:00sitting under a special tree. Look
3:30:02around your daily living environment and
3:30:04find your personal connection place.
3:30:08And then there are objects that bring
3:30:09the tangible reminder that we can find
3:30:12our way back to a vententral connection
3:30:14and anchor there. Some of my favorite
3:30:16objects are beach stones. As a child, I
3:30:19learned that a stone with a ring around
3:30:21it is a lucky stone. As an adult, I
3:30:24regularly go to the beach near my home
3:30:26and pick up stones, looking for a lucky
3:30:28one. Even harder to find are
3:30:30heart-shaped stones, so I consider it a
3:30:33moment to treasure when I find one of
3:30:35those in my stone search.
3:30:37I have a jar of lucky stones and
3:30:39heart-shaped stones that I've collected
3:30:41on my beach walks. They're on my kitchen
3:30:43window sill where I see them every day,
3:30:45serving as a tangible reminder of
3:30:47regulation.
3:30:49When I want a bit of a stronger
3:30:51connection to that reminder of
3:30:52regulation, I take a stone from the jar
3:30:55and carry it with me. Take a moment and
3:30:58find something that reminds you of the
3:31:00feeling of being anchored in regulation
3:31:02and then put it somewhere where you'll
3:31:04see it as you move throughout your day.
3:31:07With this new awareness of some of the
3:31:09elements that bring your vententral
3:31:11veagal state to life and help you feel
3:31:13anchored in safety. Now explore ways to
3:31:16bring this awareness into action. You
3:31:19can grab your favorite sweater or
3:31:20t-shirt. Have scents around and savor
3:31:23the moments when you're in places that
3:31:25nurture your system. Place objects
3:31:27around your environment as a reminders
3:31:29of your vententral connection and choose
3:31:31something special to carry with you.
3:31:34Take some time to create your own
3:31:36personal plan.
3:31:40Exploration safe.
3:31:43Like many of us, I like acronyms. They
3:31:46help me remember the elements of a
3:31:48practice. When I was working with ways
3:31:50to anchor in safety, the four elements
3:31:52of story, action, feeling, and embodied
3:31:56sensation became the acronym safe, with
3:31:59each element being a step in the process
3:32:01of creating a safe story. In the
3:32:04following sections, you can follow the
3:32:06prompts to write your own safe story and
3:32:10listen to the elements of mine.
3:32:14Anchor in regulation.
3:32:17Before beginning the process, find your
3:32:20way to regulation and take a moment to
3:32:22anchor there. You might use your circle
3:32:24imagery and see your outer vententral
3:32:26circle light up encircling your other
3:32:29states. You might connect with a place
3:32:31in your body where the ventral state
3:32:33comes alive or use one of the elements
3:32:36of everyday safety you just discovered.
3:32:39S story.
3:32:42Choose a story for your safe exploration
3:32:45that holds a flavor of safety that you'd
3:32:47like to revisit and rewrite. Bring it
3:32:50alive with the parts that are important
3:32:51to you. Some stories of safety are held
3:32:54in memories while others are happening
3:32:56in present time experiences. Choose a
3:32:59moment you're interested in exploring
3:33:02and expanding into a larger story of
3:33:04safety. Write about the moment. Describe
3:33:07the details that are meaningful for you.
3:33:10My story. Recently, I've been feeling
3:33:13some of the challenges of aging. I've
3:33:16discovered this can easily bring worry
3:33:18or a sense of sorrow, and I need ways to
3:33:21feel anchored in safety.
3:33:23My story is from a memory of climbing a
3:33:26tree in the backyard of my childhood
3:33:28home. The tree had boards nailed to the
3:33:31trunk, making it easy to climb high up
3:33:33into a canopy of branches. I made many
3:33:36childhood memories in this tree and now
3:33:39I imagine that tree and I are growing
3:33:41old together.
3:33:43The shape of the tree limbs, many of
3:33:45them twisted over time, shows how this
3:33:48tree has survived. My limbs twisted in
3:33:51their own ways, tell my survival story.
3:33:56A action. Move to the element of action
3:34:00and see what happens in this story.
3:34:02Write about what you do here. That's
3:34:04important for you to remember.
3:34:07My story. I imagine I'm standing in the
3:34:10shadow of the tree, finding sanctuary
3:34:13from the bright light of the sun. Then I
3:34:16imagine sitting with my back against the
3:34:18sturdy trunk. I remember all the times I
3:34:21climbed high up in the tree and looked
3:34:23out at the world with delight.
3:34:26F. Feeling.
3:34:28Look at your feelings. When this story
3:34:31of safety is alive in your system, what
3:34:33are some of the feelings that come along
3:34:35with that? Write about the feelings you
3:34:38remember of what happened in the story
3:34:40and the feelings that come from writing
3:34:41the story. Now,
3:34:44my story,
3:34:46I remember the joy of being a kid with a
3:34:48tree to climb and the feeling of freedom
3:34:50I felt when I was high up in my tree. I
3:34:53feel a bit of sadness that I can no
3:34:55longer climb the way I did when I was
3:34:57young, but still feel a sense of freedom
3:35:00and joy in my life. Then I think about
3:35:03the roots of my tree and the way these
3:35:05roots support health and growth. And I
3:35:07feel the safety of being deeply rooted
3:35:09in my life. I feel the combination of
3:35:12being free and rooted. And I discover
3:35:14I'm content.
3:35:18E embodied sensation.
3:35:22End with your embodied sensations. How
3:35:24do you feel this story of safety in your
3:35:26body? Write about the sensations you
3:35:29remember and how revisiting the story is
3:35:31felt in your body. Now my story. My body
3:35:36remembers the excitement of climbing and
3:35:38the feeling of energy in my hands and
3:35:40feet. I feel that same excitement
3:35:42flowing easily in my body. Now, as I
3:35:46remember my connection with my tree, I
3:35:48can feel my energy moving up to the sky
3:35:50as I climb and down to the earth as I
3:35:53feel the strength of the treere's roots.
3:35:57When you finish writing your story, give
3:35:59it a title, read it again, and feel how
3:36:01you can anchor in your story of safety.
3:36:05Over time, write a few safe stories.
3:36:07Many people find writing safe stories
3:36:10helps them reconnect to remembered
3:36:11moments of safety and bring the
3:36:13experience alive in the present. See if
3:36:16this way of connecting with vententral
3:36:18safety and regulation fits for you.
3:36:22Many ways to celebrate safety.
3:36:26As we find our way to vententral safety
3:36:28more often and with more ease, we want
3:36:30to find ways to stay there, soak in the
3:36:33experience, and get the physical and
3:36:35psychological benefits of a system
3:36:37that's anchored in that regulating
3:36:39energy.
3:36:41When we live with an autonomic nervous
3:36:43system that gets pulled out of the
3:36:44vententral space and can't find its way
3:36:47back, some of the ways we suffer are
3:36:49with depression, anxiety, digestive
3:36:52problems, respiratory problems, chronic
3:36:55fatigue, social isolation, and
3:36:57loneliness. The benefits of a system
3:37:00that can flexibly return to the
3:37:02vententral state include a sense of
3:37:04subjective well-being and increased
3:37:06capacity for friendship and the ability
3:37:09for self-compassion and compassion for
3:37:11others.
3:37:13We find our way to an anchor in the
3:37:15vententral space on our own and with
3:37:17others. No matter how we arrive, it's
3:37:20important to notice the return and
3:37:22appreciate the process. Appreciation can
3:37:25take many forms. It may be a quiet
3:37:28expression of gratitude, taking the
3:37:30opportunity to savor or a simple
3:37:32acknowledgement of the moment. And
3:37:35sometimes we want to mark the moment in
3:37:37a big energyfilled way. While there is
3:37:40no one way to notice and appreciate, the
3:37:43important part of the process is to be
3:37:45aware of finding our way back to the
3:37:48vententral state and acknowledging that
3:37:50return in the way that feels right in
3:37:52that moment.
3:37:54A friend shared with me her experience
3:37:56of doing just that. Her home away from
3:37:59home is what she calls her place of
3:38:01dorsal deadness. She is familiar with
3:38:04the experience of going there and
3:38:06eventually finding her way back to
3:38:08vententral safety. While she was
3:38:10accustomed to making that journey, she
3:38:12wanted to find a way to recognize her
3:38:14ability to come back to vententral
3:38:16security and hold on to that experience.
3:38:20We had talked about the benefits of
3:38:22acknowledging the return to being
3:38:24anchored in regulation and some of the
3:38:26ways to do that. Here is what she shared
3:38:28with me.
3:38:30I felt the first stirring of energy in
3:38:32my body that signals I'm beginning to
3:38:34come back to life and I turned toward
3:38:37it. Next, I felt a bit of hope returning
3:38:40and that opened up my well-traveled path
3:38:43back to ventral and feeling alive again.
3:38:46I experimented with ways to honor and
3:38:49deepen this experience so I could stay
3:38:51anchored there. What I discovered was
3:38:53that feeling grateful for finding my way
3:38:55to safety and regulation was not enough.
3:38:58I needed a more active celebration to
3:39:00bring my system alive. It was the act of
3:39:03celebrating by saying out loud and with
3:39:05passion, "I've arrived. I'm here." That
3:39:09helped me feel fully alive and anchored
3:39:11again.
3:39:12I've discovered that for my system,
3:39:15actively acknowledging by celebrating
3:39:17out loud is an important part of the
3:39:19experience. When I celebrate, I
3:39:22strengthen my ability to stay anchored
3:39:24in safety.
3:39:26See if celebrating resonates for you.
3:39:29Imagine being pulled into a state of
3:39:31protection, finding your way back to
3:39:33vententral safety, and celebrating the
3:39:35return to regulation. Try some phrases
3:39:38on for size. It may be that your system
3:39:40doesn't want this kind of
3:39:42acknowledgement or like my friend, you
3:39:44may find this is a practice that helps
3:39:46make your return to and anchoring in
3:39:49vententral security much easier.
3:39:52We also find our way back to safety in
3:39:55connection with others and with a
3:39:57quieter recognition of the experience.
3:40:00We can use moments of co-regulation to
3:40:02reduce experiences of mobilization or
3:40:04shutdown and strengthen our capacity to
3:40:07stay anchored in safety.
3:40:09I have a friend who is used to getting
3:40:11pulled into a mobilized flight response
3:40:14and getting stuck there. That experience
3:40:17takes her out of connection with the
3:40:19people around her. When she is
3:40:21mobilized, she feels like everyone is
3:40:23against her and the only choice is to
3:40:25run. Here is her story of connecting
3:40:28with a friend and finding a change in
3:40:30her ability to stay anchored in safety.
3:40:34Even though I was with a good friend, I
3:40:36still felt the pull of mobilization and
3:40:38the need to escape. Later, I could look
3:40:41back and see that although I was pulled
3:40:43into a survival state, my friend never
3:40:45stopped being my friend. She was always
3:40:48on my side. At the time, I couldn't see
3:40:51that. My biology wouldn't let me sense
3:40:54that or believe it. So, I asked my
3:40:56friend to help me create a statement
3:40:58that I could read out loud or say to
3:41:00myself when I was anchored in safety.
3:41:03And another statement to use when I
3:41:04began to feel the need to escape from my
3:41:07anchor and safety. My statement was I'm
3:41:10here and can take in the joy of being
3:41:12with others. And in the beginning pulled
3:41:15toward flight, my statement was if I
3:41:18need to run away from danger, I have a
3:41:20friend who will go with me. What I
3:41:23discovered is that after a few weeks of
3:41:25using these two simple statements, I'm
3:41:27less apt to feel the intense need to
3:41:30escape and I'm much more able to stay
3:41:32anchored in safety.
3:41:35See if this way of noticing your return
3:41:37to vententral security and anchoring
3:41:39there resonates for you. Think about
3:41:42someone who you would want to use as a
3:41:44co-regulating resource. What statements
3:41:47could you write to use that connection
3:41:49to anchor in safety? Your system may
3:41:52find this useful or you may find that
3:41:54co-regulation is not your preferred
3:41:56pathway.
3:41:59Savoring.
3:42:01The practice of savoring helps us make
3:42:03the most of a moment or a micro moment
3:42:06of safety and regulation.
3:42:08Savoring is about seeing and celebrating
3:42:11the little things in everyday life.
3:42:13We savor when we recognize an experience
3:42:16in the moment, when we remember a moment
3:42:18and reminisce, and when we anticipate an
3:42:22upcoming experience.
3:42:24When we bring these moments into
3:42:26awareness and spend just a short amount
3:42:28of time actively engaged in attending to
3:42:31them, the benefits are both immediate,
3:42:34as we feel anchored in vententral
3:42:35safety, and longer term with gains in
3:42:38physical and emotional well-being. Our
3:42:41immune systems are strengthened and we
3:42:44feel more creative, identify more life
3:42:46satisfaction, are more resilient and
3:42:49have a reduced risk of depression rather
3:42:52than singular moments. Micro moments of
3:42:55savoring accumulate with a savoring
3:42:57practice. They add up and shape our
3:42:59systems toward connection,
3:43:03exploration, attend, appreciate,
3:43:06amplify.
3:43:09Our autonomic nervous systems inherently
3:43:11know the way back home to safety and
3:43:13regulation. And we each develop our own
3:43:16ways to deepen that experience. One of
3:43:19the ways we can connect to our mental
3:43:20state and anchor there is through the
3:43:22process of savoring. When we savor, we
3:43:26attend, appreciate, and amplify a
3:43:28vententral experience. Savoring is a
3:43:31brief three-step 20 to 30 second
3:43:34practice that easily fits into the flow
3:43:37of a day.
3:43:39One, first attend. Bring a vententral
3:43:43veagal moment into awareness and stop to
3:43:45notice it.
3:43:47Two, next appreciate the moment. Stay
3:43:51with your awareness.
3:43:54Three, finally amplify. Hold the moment
3:43:58in focused awareness for 20 to 30
3:44:00seconds. Feel the fullness of the
3:44:02moment.
3:44:05Savoring is a practice of 20 to 30
3:44:07seconds at the most, making it possible
3:44:10to do many times during the course of
3:44:12the day. Experiment with this. Think of
3:44:15a moment or even a micro moment when you
3:44:18felt connected to the energy of your
3:44:20vententral veagal system. Simply be with
3:44:23that experience.
3:44:24Feel the ways your body brings you the
3:44:27vententral veagal energy and the ways
3:44:29the experience comes to life. Spend
3:44:32about 20 seconds there and then come
3:44:34back to the present moment.
3:44:37You may find it easy to savor your
3:44:39experience for 20 seconds and in that
3:44:41case you could extend your appreciation
3:44:43to 30 seconds. Or you may find it
3:44:46challenging and feel a move from
3:44:47amplifying into what's called a
3:44:50dampening experience that happens when
3:44:52thoughts interrupt the process and stop
3:44:54the savoring. We may find ourselves
3:44:57thinking we don't deserve to feel this.
3:44:59It's dangerous to feel good or something
3:45:02bad will happen if we stop and
3:45:03appreciate the moment. This is not an
3:45:06uncommon experience when we begin to
3:45:08explore ways to attend and appreciate.
3:45:11When this happens, start slowly with 5
3:45:14or 10 seconds and build toward 20 or 30.
3:45:18Find the amount of time that supports
3:45:19your ability to attend, appreciate, and
3:45:22amplify. Whenever the practice moves
3:45:25from an experience of deepening to one
3:45:27of dampening, stop. Be gentle, be
3:45:31patient, be persistent.
3:45:33Over time, you'll find your capacity to
3:45:36savor will increase.
3:45:40share and deepen.
3:45:43We savor again when we add language to
3:45:45the experience in order to share it with
3:45:47someone.
3:45:49Remember, our nervous system longs for
3:45:51connection, and sharing our savoring
3:45:54story with someone deepens the
3:45:55experience.
3:45:57Find someone who will meet you with an
3:45:59open heart and a readiness to listen.
3:46:02Your savoring comes alive in the
3:46:04retelling and the person you are sharing
3:46:06with often feels as if they're joining
3:46:08you in the vententral veagal inspired
3:46:10moment.
3:46:12As we reach the end of this chapter of
3:46:14exploring ways to anchor in safety, I
3:46:17want to leave you with this line from a
3:46:19roomie poem. There's a candle in your
3:46:22heart ready to be kindled.
3:46:25I think our vententral veagal state
3:46:27along with the energies it brings alive
3:46:29is a candle that is always lit and when
3:46:32nourished and cherished it will burn
3:46:35brighter and warmer bringing us health,
3:46:37growth and restoration.
3:46:42Eight gentle shaping
3:46:46everything is accomplished bit by bit.
3:46:49Charl Bodilair, my heart laid bare and
3:46:53other pros writings.
3:46:55With an understanding of the ways our
3:46:58autonomic nervous systems work and the
3:47:00beginning ability to befriend them, we
3:47:03turn our attention to gently shaping our
3:47:05systems in new ways. The autonomic
3:47:08nervous system guides us as we move
3:47:10through the world. Without awareness,
3:47:13our patterns simply work in the
3:47:15background.
3:47:16Even when our patterns are regulating
3:47:18and bring well-being, if we don't turn
3:47:20toward them and actively engage with
3:47:23them, we don't benefit in the deepest
3:47:25way possible.
3:47:27With attention and intention, we can
3:47:30shape our system in ways that resource
3:47:32the pathways that nourish our
3:47:33well-being.
3:47:35Our pathways often take us into what is
3:47:38known in biology as a positive feedback
3:47:40loop. In this context, the word positive
3:47:44simply means that the pattern continues
3:47:46to be active. A positive feedback loop
3:47:49can create an upward spiral of
3:47:51connection. It might begin with a
3:47:53glimmer that brings a moment of
3:47:55relaxation in your body followed by a
3:47:57joyful thought that then creates a
3:48:00readiness for seeing the next glimmer.
3:48:02We want to recognize and resource this
3:48:05kind of positive feedback loop.
3:48:08A positive feedback loop can also keep
3:48:10us caught in a cycle of protection. Our
3:48:13survival states are accompanied by
3:48:15self-criticism and self-lame. And those
3:48:18messages reinforce the survival pattern.
3:48:21Even a brief experience of a protective
3:48:24loop exerts a powerful pull. And without
3:48:26interrupting the pattern, we can't
3:48:28reshape our systems. For example, a
3:48:31story I often find myself pulled into is
3:48:34that I'm a misfit. I don't belong here.
3:48:37I don't have the right to be here. This
3:48:40comes from a dorsal veagal place of
3:48:42disconnection. And once I start hearing
3:48:44those stories, the gravitational pull
3:48:47gets stronger. It becomes harder to find
3:48:49my way to vententral regulation or even
3:48:52remember that it is a possibility.
3:48:55Take some time to explore your own
3:48:57loops. Start by looking at a moment of
3:49:00mobilization. Feel your embodied
3:49:02response and then hear the thought that
3:49:04starts this particular survival story.
3:49:07Watch how your thoughts and stories get
3:49:09stronger and begin to magnify the
3:49:11experience.
3:49:13Continue by looking at a loop that ends
3:49:14in collapse. Notice your embodied
3:49:17response. Listen to how this story
3:49:19begins and feel how you were pulled into
3:49:22the experience falling deeper into
3:49:24disconnection.
3:49:26Complete the exploration by looking at a
3:49:29loop that creates an upward spiral of
3:49:31connection. Notice the embodied
3:49:33response. Feel how ventral connection is
3:49:36alive and active in your system and
3:49:39takes you into a loop that brings
3:49:40well-being.
3:49:42Follow the thoughts that anchor you in
3:49:44your story of safety.
3:49:48Stretch. Don't stress.
3:49:51It's with an attitude of friendship and
3:49:53an intention to be friend that we can
3:49:56engage with our systems to shape new
3:49:58patterns and deepen ones that are
3:50:00already working. Our goal in shaping new
3:50:03patterns is to stretch but not stress
3:50:06our system. We want to stretch, feel the
3:50:09shape of a new pattern and spend a
3:50:11moment savoring it. When we feel as if
3:50:14we need to power through an experience
3:50:17or that we need to suffer to see
3:50:18results, we stress the system and move
3:50:21into one of the survival states. Once
3:50:24that happens, we're no longer shaping.
3:50:27Instead, we're held in a familiar
3:50:29pattern of protection.
3:50:31The no pain, no gain model doesn't work
3:50:34with autonomic reshaping. In order to
3:50:37change, it's necessary to find the right
3:50:39degree of challenge that keeps us safely
3:50:41anchored in the shaping process.
3:50:44Shaping is about attending moment to
3:50:46moment to what is happening in our
3:50:48autonomic nervous system, connecting
3:50:50with the information and respecting what
3:50:53we find. Both the excitement and the
3:50:56challenge of shaping our systems is that
3:50:58we never quite know where we're heading.
3:51:01What works today may be too much or not
3:51:03enough tomorrow. We're going on an
3:51:05autonomic adventure and we need to take
3:51:08enough vententral regulation with us to
3:51:10be safe on the journey. It's when we
3:51:12ignore our nervous system and instead
3:51:14travel the path our brains want us to
3:51:16follow that we move from stretching and
3:51:19shaping into stress and survival.
3:51:23I've learned through my own experience
3:51:24not to ignore my nervous system. My
3:51:27brain may have an idea about what to do,
3:51:30but regardless of what my brain decides,
3:51:32my nervous system is going to take the
3:51:34action it deems necessary to ensure my
3:51:36survival.
3:51:38Recently, I planned to enjoy a slow
3:51:40start to the day. I had every intention
3:51:43of taking my time and not rushing into
3:51:45my workday, but the mobilizing energy of
3:51:48my sympathetic nervous system was too
3:51:50strong, and my intention to take it slow
3:51:53and ease into the day was gone. I began
3:51:56to hear my self-critical voices and I
3:51:59had to work hard not to be pulled into a
3:52:01familiar story of shame and self-lame.
3:52:04When I turned toward my autonomic
3:52:06nervous system, I could appreciate that
3:52:09this morning my nervous system had other
3:52:11ideas. Once I came into connection from
3:52:14a place of respect and curiosity, I was
3:52:16able to hear what was underneath the
3:52:19survival response.
3:52:21My sympathetic system was pushing me to
3:52:23get going out of a fear that if I
3:52:25didn't, I'd fall behind in my work and
3:52:27never meet my deadlines.
3:52:29That fear quickly led to a story about
3:52:31being a failure.
3:52:33Knowing the story that was fueling the
3:52:35response gave me the information I
3:52:37needed to adjust my plan for the morning
3:52:40so I could use the mobilizing energy to
3:52:42be productive but not driven. I got out
3:52:45my to-do list and wrote this week at the
3:52:48top to remind myself I had time.
3:52:51Not wanting to dive headlong into work
3:52:53and at the same time needing to respect
3:52:55the need to take action, I sat in a
3:52:57favorite spot with my morning coffee and
3:53:00spent time organizing a plan to make my
3:53:02way through the items on my to-do list
3:53:04over the coming week.
3:53:06Although it wasn't the lazy morning I
3:53:08had planned, I was able to partner with
3:53:10my nervous system and rather than simply
3:53:13getting up and going to work, I could
3:53:15make time to reflect and move through
3:53:17the start of my day with some ease.
3:53:20Try that for yourself now. Think about a
3:53:23time recently when you had an idea about
3:53:26how something was going to go and what
3:53:28you had intended wasn't what happened.
3:53:31Feel the flavor of survival response
3:53:33that got in the way.
3:53:36How did your nervous system try and get
3:53:38your attention?
3:53:39Notice what it was like for your brain
3:53:41and your nervous system to not be on the
3:53:43same page.
3:53:45Notice how you felt that internal
3:53:46battle.
3:53:48And then imagine turning toward the
3:53:50response that was getting in the way of
3:53:52what you had planned and listening to
3:53:54the story that your nervous system
3:53:56wanted you to hear. What was fueling the
3:53:59behaviors and thoughts?
3:54:01As you hear that story, see how your
3:54:03experience changes.
3:54:06An essential step in the shaping process
3:54:09is to know when you've moved beyond
3:54:11stretching into stressing, beyond a
3:54:14place where you're engaged with your
3:54:15patterns to a place where you've been
3:54:17hijacked by a pattern and pulled into
3:54:19survival.
3:54:21I've come to know I'm losing my
3:54:23vententral anchor when my thoughts begin
3:54:24to get just a bit chaotic or
3:54:26disorganized.
3:54:28I start to feel stuck in one story and
3:54:30forget that there are other
3:54:32possibilities.
3:54:34The stretch to stress continuum is a
3:54:36good way to recognize the signs that let
3:54:38you know you're stretching and shaping
3:54:41and the ones that let you know when you
3:54:42begin to cross the line into the danger
3:54:44zone of stress and survival.
3:54:49Draw a line on paper and along it evenly
3:54:52space out the words stretch, savor,
3:54:55stress, and survive.
3:54:58The midpoint on the line should be the
3:55:00place between saver and stress. So that
3:55:02stretch and saver are on one side and
3:55:05stress and survive are on the other.
3:55:08Mark that point in a way that draws your
3:55:10attention.
3:55:12Up to that midpoint is vententral space.
3:55:14Beyond the midpoint is sympathetic and
3:55:16dorsal. Give your line the colors,
3:55:19textures, length, and width that you
3:55:21want. Many people find adding images
3:55:24helps them deepen their connection.
3:55:26On my continuum, I have the picture of a
3:55:29kite flying at the end of a long string
3:55:32for stretch, a nautilus shell for saver,
3:55:36a jagged heart shape for stress, and a
3:55:39holloweyed emoji representing my home
3:55:41away from home in the dorsal state for
3:55:44survive. See what images go along with
3:55:47the words on your continuum.
3:55:51In this exploration, we're going to use
3:55:53fingers to walk the line. But you can
3:55:55also create a line in space and actually
3:55:57walk along it. Place both fingers on the
3:56:01spot that marks the midpoint on the line
3:56:03and remember a time when you felt
3:56:05balanced just at the point of change.
3:56:08Give this place a name. My name for this
3:56:10place is the edge.
3:56:13Invite your autonomic nervous system to
3:56:15send you a word.
3:56:17Play with the words until you find the
3:56:18ones that feel just right to mark this
3:56:22place of change from shaping to
3:56:24surviving.
3:56:25Now place one finger on either side of
3:56:28that point. One finger on the stretch
3:56:30and saver side and one on the stress and
3:56:32survive side. Feel the different
3:56:34energies in each place. Shift the
3:56:37balance between your fingers and feel
3:56:38what happens to your sense of being
3:56:40anchored in vententral safety.
3:56:43And now go to the beginning of the line
3:56:45to the place marked stretch. Feel what
3:56:47it's like in that spot where you're
3:56:49ready to shape your system in some small
3:56:51new way. Feel how your autonomic nervous
3:56:55system lets you know it's supporting you
3:56:56in the process. On board with making a
3:56:59change. And now move your fingers to the
3:57:02spot mark saver. Remember what it feels
3:57:04like to stop and take in a change to
3:57:07notice fully. Perhaps even to celebrate.
3:57:11Move between these two points to take in
3:57:13the ways a small stretch and a moment to
3:57:16savor support shaping.
3:57:19When you are ready, move to the midpoint
3:57:22again and stop for a moment before
3:57:24moving to the other side of the
3:57:25continuum.
3:57:27Remind yourself that this exploration is
3:57:29about information gathering. We are now
3:57:32going to make a factf finding trip to
3:57:34the territory of stress and survive. In
3:57:36this exploration, we don't want to fully
3:57:38embody those states. We just want to get
3:57:41a flavor of them. Move your fingers to
3:57:44the mark labeled stress and get to know
3:57:47the flavors of this experience. How does
3:57:50your nervous system let you know you've
3:57:51crossed the midpoint and you're no
3:57:53longer in a shaping practice?
3:57:56And now make the last move to the
3:57:57survival mark. Stay there just long
3:58:00enough to take in the ways your
3:58:01sympathetic and dorsal states bring an
3:58:04adaptive survival response.
3:58:07Feel how in this place you are now
3:58:09reinforcing patterns of protection.
3:58:12Move back to stress and notice the
3:58:14difference. What happens when you take
3:58:16the step back from survival distress
3:58:20and then return to the midpoint tracking
3:58:22your nervous system shifts and the
3:58:24thoughts that emerge? Move to the
3:58:26regulated side of the line and find your
3:58:28way back to stretch. Reflect on the
3:58:31experience of creating your continuum
3:58:33and moving between the points.
3:58:36Take time to document what you
3:58:38discovered and what you feel is
3:58:40important to remember.
3:58:43There are variety of ways to use your
3:58:45continuum. When you feel you've crossed
3:58:47over the midpoint into a moment of
3:58:49stress, use your continuum to find your
3:58:51way back to the stretch side. If you
3:58:54find yourself all the way at the end of
3:58:56the line in a survival response, use
3:58:58your continuum to reduce the response,
3:59:01return to stress, and then take the step
3:59:03back to midpoint.
3:59:05From the midpoint, you can reflect on
3:59:07what made the experience too challenging
3:59:09for you in that moment. When you're
3:59:12working with a new experience, use your
3:59:14continuum to stay on the stretch and
3:59:16savor side. When you want to explore the
3:59:19edges of a new experience, stand on the
3:59:22midpoint and feel the moment when you
3:59:24move into stress. Walk between stretch
3:59:27and savor to deepen new pathways.
3:59:32Nourishing or depleting
3:59:35There are two pathways to follow in
3:59:37reshaping our systems. One is to
3:59:39recognize patterns that are driven by
3:59:41mobilization and disconnection. Notice
3:59:44the patterns that are draining and work
3:59:47to reduce or resolve them. The other is
3:59:50to recognize patterns that are
3:59:51nourishing and find ways to replicate,
3:59:53deepen, and experience more of them.
3:59:56We are naturally drawn toward the
3:59:58patterns that are draining as we feel
4:00:00the effects in physical symptoms and
4:00:02emotional distress.
4:00:04Attending to changing these patterns is
4:00:06often where we begin but can't be where
4:00:09we end. In order to fully experience
4:00:12well-being, we need to attend not only
4:00:15to the pathways that drain, but also to
4:00:17the ones that fill.
4:00:20The first step is the ability to
4:00:22recognize how we experience moments as
4:00:24draining or filling. From there, we can
4:00:27move on to reducing or resolving the
4:00:29experiences that are draining and
4:00:31replicating the ones that are filling.
4:00:34Using the building blocks of the
4:00:35hierarchy, start at the bottom in the
4:00:37dorsal state with an experience that's
4:00:40autonomically draining. When I feel the
4:00:43pull of my dorsal system, I notice a
4:00:46slight numbing in my body. I take a step
4:00:48back from my environment and I begin to
4:00:51think that I don't belong.
4:00:54Reflect on a recent experience that led
4:00:56you into a dorsal collapse and notice
4:00:58what happens in your body. What are your
4:01:01behaviors and beliefs in this dorsal
4:01:03place of autonomic draining
4:01:06as you begin to recognize what happens
4:01:08for you? Take a moment to document what
4:01:10you find.
4:01:13Move up one place on the hierarchy and
4:01:16think about an experience that brought
4:01:17you into the mobilization of your
4:01:19sympathetic fight and flight response.
4:01:23In this place, I feel a jolt in my upper
4:01:25arms and a tightening in my gut. I can't
4:01:28stay still and begin to feel an intense
4:01:30need to get away. Notice how you feel
4:01:33this draining pattern in your body, your
4:01:35behaviors, and your beliefs. As you
4:01:38recognize what happens here, take a
4:01:40moment to document what you find.
4:01:43When we arrive at the top of the
4:01:45hierarchy in safety and regulation, the
4:01:48experience changes from draining to
4:01:50filling. When this happens, I feel a
4:01:52sense of ease in my body. I move easily
4:01:55through my day and I think the world is
4:01:57offering me opportunities to explore.
4:02:00Think about a moment that brings you an
4:02:02experience of vententral veagal
4:02:04resourcing. Notice what happens for you.
4:02:07How does a filling experience show up in
4:02:09your body, your behaviors, and your
4:02:11beliefs?
4:02:12As you begin to recognize what happens
4:02:14for you, document what you find.
4:02:18With the ability to identify something
4:02:20as draining or filling, you now have a
4:02:23guide to explore your experiences.
4:02:25Using your guide, do a quick survey.
4:02:28Reflect on a few recent experiences and
4:02:31name ones that drained you with an
4:02:33overwhelming need to fight or flee and
4:02:36ones that drained you through numbing
4:02:38and collapse.
4:02:40Then name experiences that nourished you
4:02:42and felt filling. Shaping our systems in
4:02:45new ways is a gentle process that
4:02:48unfolds over time. While we want change
4:02:51to happen now in an instant, the
4:02:54autonomic nervous system most often
4:02:56finds its way both to creating new
4:02:58patterns and into deepening the pathways
4:03:00that are already present and nourishing
4:03:03by doing small things over and over.
4:03:06Marie Curi in her autobiographical notes
4:03:09wrote, "I was taught that the way of
4:03:11progress is neither swift nor easy.
4:03:15Likewise, shaping happens not in a flash
4:03:17with one big action, but in little
4:03:20moments that add up. Shaping requires us
4:03:23to be patient, to be persistent, and to
4:03:26persevere." The next sections and
4:03:29explorations in this chapter honor this
4:03:31need.
4:03:34states and statements.
4:03:37I'm reminded here of Hank Williams song,
4:03:40I'm so lonesome I could cry, which lends
4:03:43itself well to this next exercise. We
4:03:46often have a thought that follows the
4:03:48sentence structure, I'm so some feeling.
4:03:52I could some action. For example, I'm so
4:03:56tired I could give up. I'm so angry I
4:04:00could scream.
4:04:02I'm so happy I could smile at the world.
4:04:06With these kinds of sentences, each
4:04:08autonomic state is sending us a message.
4:04:12Exploration. I'm so, I could.
4:04:17Begin this exploration by listening in
4:04:19to see what your system is saying. Use
4:04:22the sentence structure, I'm so I could
4:04:26to notice this moment in time and fill
4:04:28in the blanks with whatever words
4:04:30appear.
4:04:32Reflect on your sentence and see which
4:04:34state was sending you a message. Did the
4:04:37sentence emerge from a ventral state
4:04:38where the words feel regulated,
4:04:40interesting, and filling? Did your words
4:04:43come from your sympathetic state
4:04:45bringing a flavor of danger and a
4:04:47feeling of being fueled by too much
4:04:48energy? Or maybe the words emerged from
4:04:51your dorsal state and captured the sense
4:04:54of losing hope, disconnecting, and
4:04:56shutting down.
4:04:59The next step is to write three
4:05:01sentences, one from each of your states.
4:05:04Start by connecting with your dorsal and
4:05:06sympathetic survival states. See what
4:05:09feelings and actions emerge to complete
4:05:11those sentences.
4:05:13End with the feeling and action that
4:05:14creates a vententral inspired sentence.
4:05:18Using the sentences you now have for
4:05:20each date, we can explore shaping new
4:05:22patterns by taking the original
4:05:24sentences and writing companion
4:05:26statements for each. Keeping the
4:05:28feeling, I'm so, but changing the action
4:05:31I could. The goal is to bring enough
4:05:34regulating energy to the writing to
4:05:37soften the two survival pathways and
4:05:39deepen the pathway of safety and
4:05:41connection.
4:05:44Using the examples just mentioned, the
4:05:47sentence that emerges from a dorsal
4:05:49state of collapse, I'm so tired I could
4:05:52give up, could be changed to, I'm so
4:05:55tired I could rest for a bit. The
4:05:58sentence that's fueled by sympathetic
4:06:00activation, I'm so angry I could scream,
4:06:03might become, I'm so angry I could take
4:06:05a break and come back in a while.
4:06:08And the original vententral inspired
4:06:10sentence, I'm so happy I could smile at
4:06:12the world, could be rewritten as,"I
4:06:15happy I could reach out and spend time
4:06:18with my friends." Return to your three
4:06:21sentences and the feeling you identified
4:06:23in your dorsal, sympathetic, and
4:06:25vententral sentences. I'm so. And
4:06:28consider a different response. I could.
4:06:31Bring in just a bit of vententral
4:06:33regulating energy to the sentences that
4:06:34were written from your sympathetic and
4:06:37dorsal states and write new endings. To
4:06:40support this, you might return to your
4:06:43vententral outer circle and imagine it
4:06:45lighting up. See the vententral veagal
4:06:47landscape you created in your mind's eye
4:06:49or make contact with a place in your
4:06:51body that connects you with your
4:06:53vententral veagal state.
4:06:55When you feel like you have enough of an
4:06:57anchor in the vententral system to
4:06:59explore a different ending, fill in the
4:07:01action part of those sentences. Use
4:07:03words that gently shape the survival
4:07:06response by adding an action that is
4:07:08guided by the regulation of your
4:07:10vententral system.
4:07:12End your exploration with the sentence
4:07:13you wrote from an anchor and vententral
4:07:15regulation. Add an action that expands
4:07:18the experience and invites you into a
4:07:20moment of savoring. This is a quick and
4:07:23easy way to look at a pattern and begin
4:07:25to shape it in a new way. We often hear
4:07:27ourselves saying, "I'm so I could." As
4:07:31you hear yourself saying this, take that
4:07:33moment to turn toward the first part of
4:07:36the sentence. Bring a bit of vententral
4:07:38energy and look for a different ending.
4:07:42Breathing into regulation.
4:07:46Another way to shape our system is with
4:07:48breath. Breath is controlled by the
4:07:50autonomic nervous system. It's an
4:07:53automatic process, but one we can also
4:07:56intentionally manipulate. Breath is a
4:07:59direct pathway to our autonomic nervous
4:08:01system, making it both a regulating
4:08:03resource and an activator of our
4:08:05survival states. Pranayyama, breath
4:08:09practice, has been a part of yoga
4:08:11practices for centuries. And there are
4:08:13many wonderful resources to support you
4:08:16in a deep exploration of the power of
4:08:18breath.
4:08:20As we explore using breath to shape our
4:08:22systems, it's important to remember that
4:08:24we each breathe in our own way. For many
4:08:28of us, breath practices can be a cue of
4:08:31danger. Changing the rhythms and cycles
4:08:34of breathing can quickly begin to shift
4:08:36our autonomic state. Even the act of
4:08:39simply noticing the breath slows and
4:08:41deepens it a bit. As we begin to breathe
4:08:44just a bit slower or take a slightly
4:08:47deeper breath, instead of finding the
4:08:49way to safety and regulation, we may
4:08:51drop into disconnection and collapse.
4:08:54The normal breathing rate for adults is
4:08:57between 12 and 20 breaths per minute. An
4:09:00easy way to find your breath rate is by
4:09:02counting your exhalations over the
4:09:04course of a minute. This gives you a
4:09:06baseline number to work with as you
4:09:08begin to explore breathing in a
4:09:10different way. In general, when we look
4:09:12at breath patterns, longer exhalations
4:09:16and bubble blowing is a playful way to
4:09:18practice long, slow exhalations.
4:09:21Slower breathing. Use your breath per
4:09:23minute rate to track. And resistance
4:09:25breathing. You can get a feel for this
4:09:27by imagining you were blowing air
4:09:29through a straw as you exhale. Bring
4:09:32more vententral veagal energy. Rapid
4:09:35breathing, irregular breathing or sharp
4:09:37inhalations or exhalations increases
4:09:40sympathetic activity while matching the
4:09:43length of inhalation and exhalation
4:09:45maintains a state of autonomic balance.
4:09:49Before we move into explorations, let's
4:09:52begin by simply noticing.
4:09:54Find a place in your body where you can
4:09:56feel your breath moving. This might be
4:09:58in your chest, your abdomen, your side
4:10:01ribs, your lower back, or beneath your
4:10:04nostrils. Take time to locate the place
4:10:06where you come into connection with your
4:10:09breath.
4:10:10Follow the pathway of your inhalation
4:10:12and exhalation for a few breath cycles
4:10:16to get to know it.
4:10:19As you breathe, bring awareness to your
4:10:21veagal break and how it works. Remember
4:10:24the slight relaxation of your veagal
4:10:26break and increase in heart rate that
4:10:28happens on the inhale and the
4:10:31re-engagement of your veagal break and
4:10:33decrease in heart rate that accompanies
4:10:35each exhale.
4:10:37Follow a few more breath cycles without
4:10:39changing anything. Simply be with your
4:10:42breath.
4:10:44Now take a moment to get to know the
4:10:45ways your breath and your state are
4:10:47linked. Travel the hierarchy and feel
4:10:51how your breath rhythm changes. Notice
4:10:53how you breathe when you were pulled
4:10:55into a dorsal state of collapse, when
4:10:58you feel the mobilization of a
4:10:59sympathetic fight response, and when you
4:11:02were anchored in vententral safety and
4:11:04regulation.
4:11:06In the next exercises, we will explore
4:11:08some simple ways to be with your breath
4:11:11and begin to use breath to shape your
4:11:13pathways to regulation. As you explore
4:11:16these practices, let your autonomic
4:11:18nervous system be your guide. Stay
4:11:20anchored in a vententral state and stay
4:11:22on the stretch and savor side of the
4:11:24continuum.
4:11:27Exploration breath rhythms.
4:11:30One way to bring attention and intention
4:11:33to your breath rhythms is to bring
4:11:35breath and language together by adding
4:11:37words to accompany each inhalation and
4:11:40exhalation.
4:11:42Look for pairs of words that speak to
4:11:44the slight rise of energy that goes
4:11:46along with an inhalation and the return
4:11:48to ease that accompanies the exhalation.
4:11:51For example, energize and rest or reach
4:11:56out and tune in.
4:11:59Experiment until you find the
4:12:00combination of words that fit for you.
4:12:04You may find that one combination feels
4:12:06like a natural fit and you want to rely
4:12:08on those words as your connection to
4:12:10breath.
4:12:11Or you may like having a choice and want
4:12:14to find several pairs of words that
4:12:16attune with your breath. Once you have
4:12:19found your words, experiment with using
4:12:21them to bring focused awareness to your
4:12:23breath rhythm.
4:12:25Bring your words to mind as each breath
4:12:27arrives and leaves and notice what
4:12:29happens.
4:12:32See what happens if you say your words
4:12:34out loud.
4:12:35Try placing your hand on your body where
4:12:37you found your breath in the earlier
4:12:39exploration and see how that changes
4:12:42your experience.
4:12:44While it's comforting to have sets of
4:12:46words that reliably bring us into
4:12:48connection with our breath, there are
4:12:50also times when we want to experiment to
4:12:52see what words emerge in the moment.
4:12:54Tune in and listen to the words that
4:12:56arrive with your inhalations and the
4:12:59words that accompany your exhalations.
4:13:02Listen for several breath cycles to see
4:13:04if there's a pattern that emerges or if
4:13:06each breath cycle brings a new
4:13:08combination of words.
4:13:10When we stay open and curious, we often
4:13:13discover something new.
4:13:16Movement accompanies every breath. Our
4:13:19lungs fill and empty. The diaphragm
4:13:21changes shape first to make room for air
4:13:24and then to help push it out. And our
4:13:26chest and abdomen rise and fall. In
4:13:29addition to these biological movements
4:13:31that are tied to our breath rhythms, we
4:13:34can add intentional movement to our
4:13:36inhalations and exhalations and feel our
4:13:39breath moving in ways that bring
4:13:41regulation.
4:13:44Exploration.
4:13:45Moving with breath.
4:13:48As you explore adding movement, you can
4:13:51either imagine moving or express the
4:13:53movement in an action. Either choice
4:13:56will bring the exploration alive. So,
4:13:58choose the way that keeps you on the
4:14:00stretch side of the continuum.
4:14:03Begin by inviting a movement to emerge
4:14:06as you inhale.
4:14:07And next, explore a movement that
4:14:09accompanies your exhalation.
4:14:12And now, join your two movements with
4:14:14your breath cycle. And feel your body
4:14:16and breath moving together.
4:14:20Another way to use breath as a shaping
4:14:22practice is through sighing. Sighing is
4:14:26a natural way our lungs stay healthy. We
4:14:29sigh spontaneously many times an hour.
4:14:32Taking a deeper breath to inflate the
4:14:34millions of air sacks in our lungs and
4:14:37then exhaling deeply.
4:14:39Sighing has been called a resetter of
4:14:41our systems as the long audible
4:14:44exhalation that is the hallmark of a
4:14:46sigh has been shown to directly impact
4:14:49not only our physiology but also our
4:14:51thoughts.
4:14:53In addition to our spontaneous sigh
4:14:55working in the background to bring
4:14:57moments of regulation, we can use
4:14:59intentional sighing as a way to
4:15:02interrupt our state and find a momentary
4:15:04reset and also to deepen an experience
4:15:07of regulation and connection.
4:15:12Exploration sighing.
4:15:15Begin to notice your breath. Not
4:15:18changing it in any way, but simply
4:15:20following it. Notice it entering your
4:15:22body, filling your body in its own way,
4:15:25and then leaving again.
4:15:28Feel the rhythm of your breath cycle.
4:15:31Now interrupt your breath pattern by
4:15:33inhaling more deeply on the next breath
4:15:36and turning the exhalation into a sigh.
4:15:40Move through a few breath cycles, adding
4:15:42a sigh every now and then.
4:15:45There are some basic ways we sigh. We
4:15:48sigh with frustration to release some
4:15:50energy. And we sigh when we feel down or
4:15:53depressed in an attempt to bring in some
4:15:55energy. We sigh in relief as we find our
4:15:58way back to regulation. And then breathe
4:16:00a sigh of contentment to savor the
4:16:03experience of being safely anchored
4:16:05there.
4:16:06Explore each way of sighing and feel
4:16:08your response. Start with a sigh of
4:16:11despair.
4:16:13Feel the beginning pull of collapse and
4:16:15the draining of energy that comes with
4:16:17that.
4:16:19Turn your next exhalation into a deep
4:16:22sigh and see what happens as you
4:16:24interrupt the breath pattern.
4:16:27Next, let in some of the energy of fight
4:16:29and flight that comes from your
4:16:30sympathetic nervous system. Feel a bit
4:16:33of dysregulation and breathe a sigh of
4:16:35frustration.
4:16:38Let your sigh release some of that
4:16:39mobilizing energy.
4:16:42Notice the thoughts that come along with
4:16:43that sigh and see how your state shifts.
4:16:48Now feel a bit of dysregulation and find
4:16:50your way back to your anchor in
4:16:52regulation.
4:16:54Breathe a sigh of relief and notice the
4:16:56thoughts that accompany that experience.
4:17:00As you are held in that place of
4:17:02connection, breathe a sigh of
4:17:04contentment.
4:17:06Let your breath tell the story of ease,
4:17:08of equinimity, of feeling nourished and
4:17:11filled. Listen to the story. Take it in
4:17:14and savor it. The intentional use of
4:17:17sighing is a gentle way of actively
4:17:20shaping the autonomic nervous system.
4:17:25Feeling touched.
4:17:27Touch is a basic way the nervous system
4:17:29communicates. When we offer someone a
4:17:32touch, we are sharing the state of our
4:17:34nervous system with them. And when we're
4:17:36touched by someone else, we know the
4:17:39state of their system.
4:17:41Touch can quickly bring us into
4:17:43connection or activate our pathways of
4:17:45protection. Whether it's an intimate
4:17:48touch, a social touch, or a warm,
4:17:51friendly touch, touch is an essential
4:17:53ingredient in well-being.
4:17:55Touch stimulates the autonomic nervous
4:17:57system, supporting reduced depression,
4:18:00anxiety, and stress. Touch calms our
4:18:03cardiovascular system, increases immune
4:18:06function, and reduces pain. Dr. Kelner
4:18:09of the Greater Good Science Center at UC
4:18:12Berkeley has called touch preventative
4:18:14medicine.
4:18:16Even our language reflects the
4:18:18importance we place on touch. We invite
4:18:20people to stay in touch, wonder why
4:18:22people are so touchy and are touched by
4:18:25experiences.
4:18:27Exploration, a touch continuum.
4:18:31When we miss being touched, we become
4:18:33touch hungry. And with enough moments of
4:18:36touch, we are nourished and become
4:18:39touchfilled.
4:18:40We regularly travel between these two
4:18:42ends of our touch experience and can
4:18:45return to the use of a continuum to find
4:18:47the stops along the way. Draw a line and
4:18:50above the line mark one end touch hungry
4:18:53and the other touchfilled.
4:18:56Find your own labels for these opposite
4:18:58ends and write those below the line.
4:19:02Find the midpoint where you feel the
4:19:04beginning of the shift from hungry to
4:19:06filled and name that place.
4:19:09Then move from that place in either
4:19:11direction and name several points along
4:19:14the way. Feel what happens in your
4:19:16nervous system as you move toward
4:19:18feeling touchfilled or touch hungry.
4:19:22With your personal touch continuum, you
4:19:25can now bring curiosity to where you are
4:19:27on that line. Take a moment to move
4:19:30along your continuum until you find the
4:19:32place that represents your present
4:19:34experience.
4:19:36Knowing where you are gives you the
4:19:38information needed to consider what to
4:19:40do. If you're on the midpoint, the next
4:19:43choices you make around touch will move
4:19:46you toward feeling hungry or feeling
4:19:48filled. If you're on the hungry side of
4:19:50the line, explore ways to find the
4:19:52moments of touch your system is missing.
4:19:55If you're on the filled side, first see
4:19:58if you're in the place that fits your
4:19:59needs in the moment. If yes, stop and
4:20:02savor that. If you still feel a longing,
4:20:05look for more moments of touch that move
4:20:07you further in the direction of feeling
4:20:09filled.
4:20:11Our touch memories are held in our
4:20:13nervous system. And when we make contact
4:20:15with a memory, we move again into a
4:20:18pattern of protection or connection.
4:20:20Memories of moments when touch was
4:20:22offered in a way that was unexpected or
4:20:25unwanted activate our survival states.
4:20:29Think of times in your life when touch
4:20:30was not welcome and notice when you went
4:20:32to fight and flight and when you went to
4:20:34collapse. Touch can also bring a
4:20:37regulating response and help us anchor
4:20:39and connection. Look for memories of
4:20:42moments when touch was welcomed and feel
4:20:45how those experiences brought you into
4:20:47safety and connection. Just as our
4:20:50autonomic patterns can be shaped in new
4:20:52ways, research now tells us that we can
4:20:55remember more than one touch and make
4:20:57new touch memories.
4:20:59If you have someone in your life who you
4:21:01feel safe to explore touch with, you can
4:21:04explore the ways of touching and being
4:21:06touched that bring your vententral
4:21:08veagal state to life and activate your
4:21:10survival states. Does being offered a
4:21:13hand invite your social engagement
4:21:15system to respond with a move toward
4:21:18connection or does it take you into
4:21:20protection? Does a hand on your back
4:21:22bring regulation or activate a survival
4:21:24response?
4:21:26Identify the touches that are
4:21:28disconnecting and look for the ways of
4:21:30touching and being touched that bring
4:21:32you home to vententral regulation and
4:21:34help you anchor there.
4:21:37Self-touch is another way we commonly
4:21:40experience touch. We put a hand on our
4:21:43forehead when we're feeling overwhelmed.
4:21:45When we're surprised or startled, a
4:21:47natural gesture is the quick intake of
4:21:49breath and a hand over the heart.
4:21:52We put a hand over our heart when we're
4:21:53feeling touched by something special.
4:21:57For many of us, putting a hand on our
4:21:58heart invites a return to regulation.
4:22:01And keeping our hand there deepens that
4:22:03experience. Try that now. Place a hand
4:22:06over your heart and feel your autonomic
4:22:08response.
4:22:10Find the right place and the right
4:22:12pressure to make this a safe and
4:22:14regulating experience. Listen to the
4:22:17story that comes with this touch.
4:22:20Other suggestions to explore self-touch
4:22:22include holding your neck and imagining
4:22:25you're connecting with a place where
4:22:26your social engagement system originates
4:22:29or placing one hand on your heart and
4:22:31the other on your face and remembering
4:22:33the actions of the face heart
4:22:34connection.
4:22:36Try crossing your arms and offering
4:22:38yourself a hug or holding your hands or
4:22:41placing your hands in a prayer or
4:22:42namaste position.
4:22:44Experiment with ways of touching your
4:22:46legs and feet. Some touches will feel
4:22:49nourishing, others will be neutral, and
4:22:51still others will feel uncomfortable.
4:22:54Take time to explore different ways of
4:22:56touching.
4:22:58See which ones bring you a flavor of the
4:23:00sympathetic or dorsal states and which
4:23:02ones deepen your vententral experience.
4:23:05Use what you've learned about how your
4:23:07autonomic nervous system is drained and
4:23:09filled to find your way.
4:23:12Finally, we can add mirrored touch to
4:23:14self-touch. In a mirrored touch moment,
4:23:18you and another person engage in the
4:23:20same self-touch. One person offers and
4:23:23the other person follows. Then you
4:23:25exchange roles. Sometimes mirrored touch
4:23:28brings a deepening of the experience and
4:23:30a closer sense of connection and at
4:23:33other times prompts a move into
4:23:34protection.
4:23:36Two people can feel their systems moving
4:23:38the same direction or in opposite
4:23:40directions. As you explore mirrored
4:23:43touch, remember there is no right or
4:23:45wrong. There is simply your nervous
4:23:47systems way in this moment.
4:23:51As we end this chapter, let's reflect on
4:23:54the process of shaping.
4:23:56Shaping happens over time in lots of
4:23:59ways. When we begin our exploration, we
4:24:02don't know which practices will lead us
4:24:04into regulation. We look for lots of
4:24:07ways to practice shaping so that we have
4:24:09choices to bring the degree of challenge
4:24:11for our system needed in any moment to
4:24:14keep us on the stretch and saver side of
4:24:16the line.
4:24:18Shaping our system requires persistence
4:24:20to return to practices and patience to
4:24:23let the changes unfold over time.
4:24:27Make the decision to start to shape your
4:24:29system and find practices that you can
4:24:31sustain.
4:24:33Dive into the process and bring the
4:24:35qualities of kindness and gentleness
4:24:37with you.
4:24:41Nine. Restorying.
4:24:45story makes us more alive, more human,
4:24:48more courageous, more loving.
4:24:51Matteline Lingal, the rock that is
4:24:53higher.
4:24:55Through the lens of the nervous system,
4:24:58subtle shifts in our autonomic states
4:25:00and our autonomic patterns translate
4:25:03into new stories about who we are and
4:25:05how we navigate the world. We humans are
4:25:09storytellers, meaning making beings. And
4:25:12it's through our autonomic nervous
4:25:13systems that we first create and then
4:25:16inhabit our stories.
4:25:18The information that begins in our
4:25:20biology travels autonomic pathways to
4:25:23the brain. And the brain creates a story
4:25:25to make sense of what's happening in the
4:25:27body. As our biology changes, so do our
4:25:31stories.
4:25:32Each state brings a different kind of
4:25:34story. from a dorsal state of shutdown.
4:25:37The stories are about losing hope, being
4:25:40lost, or feeling untethered to the world
4:25:43and to other people. These are stories
4:25:45of not belonging and being a misfit,
4:25:48unseen and alone. When you touch into
4:25:52your dorsal survival state, what are the
4:25:54flavors of your stories?
4:25:57From a sympathetically mobilized state,
4:26:00the stories are about adversaries. We
4:26:03don't care about connection. We have a
4:26:05single focus on survival.
4:26:08These stories are ones of anger and
4:26:09anxiety, action and chaos. When you tune
4:26:13in and listen to your sympathetic
4:26:14survival state, what stories do you
4:26:17hear?
4:26:19From the regulation of the vententral
4:26:20state, the stories are ones of
4:26:23possibility and choice. These are
4:26:25stories of connection, of challenges
4:26:28that feel manageable, of feeling safe
4:26:30enough in the world to venture out and
4:26:32explore. As you listen to your mental
4:26:35state of safety, what stories emerge?
4:26:39As we learn to befriend the autonomic
4:26:41nervous system, we discover that the
4:26:43stories our system is telling are not
4:26:45rigid or fixed and in fact change over
4:26:48time. When we learn to tune in, we find
4:26:51there are at least three stories always
4:26:53waiting to be heard, one being told from
4:26:56each state. The story that catches our
4:26:59attention and directs our experience
4:27:01comes from the autonomic state that is
4:27:03most active in the moment. When we
4:27:06remember that we have access to more
4:27:08than one story, we can listen with
4:27:11curiosity to each state, begin to
4:27:14interrupt our survival stories, and
4:27:16deepen into stories of safety.
4:27:19One way to listen to our three stories
4:27:21is to take a particular experience and
4:27:23look at it from each state. I think of
4:27:26this as looking through the eyes of a
4:27:28state. We connect with a state and look
4:27:30out at the world to see what it is like
4:27:32from that perspective.
4:27:34For this exploration, we want to choose
4:27:36a small everyday experience that has
4:27:39just a slight flavor of distress and
4:27:42then travel the hierarchy to look at the
4:27:44experience from each state and listen to
4:27:47each story.
4:27:49Here's an example from my own life of
4:27:51looking through the eyes of each of my
4:27:52states and feeling one experience in
4:27:55three very different ways. The
4:27:57experience I chose to explore was a
4:27:59moment when I spilled my morning coffee.
4:28:02In this example, notice that the story
4:28:04is a simple one, not totally out of my
4:28:07ordinary experience, and that it doesn't
4:28:10affect my safety or have a big impact in
4:28:13my life. In this exploration, I want to
4:28:16make sure I am first feeling regulated
4:28:18and anchored in vententral safety. Then
4:28:21I begin to dip into dorsal disconnect
4:28:23and my story becomes it's not worth
4:28:25trying.
4:28:27Next, coming up to sympathetic
4:28:29mobilization, the story I hear is, "If I
4:28:32only tried harder, worked harder, and
4:28:34paid more attention, I might not be so
4:28:36incompetent."
4:28:38And finally looking through the eyes of
4:28:40vententral regulation, the story now
4:28:42transforms to it's just an accident and
4:28:44not an omen about my day.
4:28:49Exploration. Listening to three stories.
4:28:52Now it's your turn. Start by choosing a
4:28:55small ordinary experience you're curious
4:28:58about and feels just a bit challenging.
4:29:01Before you begin your listening
4:29:03experience, first find your anchor in
4:29:05vententral. Use some of the ways you've
4:29:07learned in prior explorations to feel
4:29:09regulated and ready to safely tune in
4:29:12and listen. You might return to chapter
4:29:152 and revisit your vententral landscape,
4:29:17chapter 6 and the connecting with cues
4:29:19practice or chapter 7 and walk your
4:29:22vententral continuum.
4:29:25Travel to the dorsal building block at
4:29:27the bottom of the hierarchy. Look
4:29:29through the eyes of your dorsal veagal
4:29:31system and listen for just a moment to
4:29:34the story of your experience from that
4:29:36place.
4:29:38Come up one step on the hierarchy to the
4:29:40sympathetic state. Feel yourself
4:29:42mobilizing with some of that energy.
4:29:45Look through the eyes of your
4:29:46sympathetic nervous system. How do you
4:29:48hear the story of that experience now?
4:29:51Now come back to the vententral state at
4:29:53the top of the hierarchy. Anchor there.
4:29:56Look through the eyes of the vententral
4:29:58system and listen to the story. Notice
4:30:01how each state brings a different story.
4:30:04How does hearing your three stories
4:30:05affect your experience? This quick
4:30:08listening practice offers an easy way to
4:30:11bring our different stories into
4:30:12awareness. And remember that we don't
4:30:15have to stay stuck in one state and its
4:30:17story.
4:30:19Building the skill of listening to
4:30:20autonomic stories supports the next move
4:30:23into exploration of restorying.
4:30:26As we gently shape our systems in new
4:30:29ways and deepen into the nourishing
4:30:31patterns of connection, we move into a
4:30:34time of restoring.
4:30:36This is a time of bringing attention to
4:30:38the subtle autonomic shifts that are
4:30:40happening and weaving them into a new
4:30:42narrative. We tell stories and hear
4:30:45stories in many different ways,
4:30:47including through art, movement, and
4:30:49words. And we each have our preferred
4:30:52ways to take in, create, and share
4:30:55stories. I love words. Using words and
4:30:58playing with words feels safe and
4:31:00connecting to me. Movement is a much
4:31:03more challenging experience, often
4:31:05bringing a flavor of disconnection as my
4:31:07dorsal system comes to life. And
4:31:10creating art can bring a similar
4:31:11autonomic response. I've surveyed
4:31:14friends and colleagues and find it's a
4:31:16common experience to have our preferred
4:31:18pathways.
4:31:19Think about the categories of art,
4:31:21movement, and words, and feel what your
4:31:24autonomic nervous system response is.
4:31:28Rather than listening to your brain and
4:31:29the cognitive story it tells, see if you
4:31:32can let your nervous system be your
4:31:33guide.
4:31:35What does your autonomic nervous system
4:31:37tell you are your preferred pathways to
4:31:40take in, create, and share stories? And
4:31:43what are the pathways that feel a bit
4:31:45challenging?
4:31:47Whichever pathways we choose, we can
4:31:50experiment with listening, make a small
4:31:52change, and then listen again to hear
4:31:54how the story has been shaped in a new
4:31:56way. I'm going to offer you ways to
4:31:59explore using movement, images, and
4:32:01words. If one of these categories feels
4:32:04too much for you right now, return and
4:32:06explore it later. Staying in the stretch
4:32:09and saver experience is important.
4:32:11Honoring your autonomic wisdom is
4:32:14essential.
4:32:17exploration, moving with story.
4:32:20Movement is a way we experience our
4:32:22states of protection and connection. And
4:32:25the stories that emerge from our states
4:32:28each have their own rhythms. Whether we
4:32:31enact a movement or it comes to life
4:32:33only in our imagination. Movement is a
4:32:36pathway to shaping a new story.
4:32:40Shifting patterns.
4:32:42To start this exploration, return to a
4:32:45memory of a moment when you were pulled
4:32:47into dorsal shutdown or sympathetic
4:32:50mobilization and look for a movement to
4:32:53represent that pattern of protection.
4:32:56Find a way of moving that portrays the
4:32:58sense of being caught in that state of
4:33:00survival, unable to find a way out.
4:33:04This can be a partial or full body
4:33:06movement.
4:33:08Begin by just imagining the movement. As
4:33:11you imagine the movement, your autonomic
4:33:13nervous system will feel it and your
4:33:16motor cortex will join in the experience
4:33:18and begin to bring it to life for you.
4:33:22Imagine your movement and feel what it's
4:33:24like to be stuck in that pattern.
4:33:27Now try enacting the movement. Either
4:33:30sit or stand and bring the movement to
4:33:31life. If this feels too much for you or
4:33:34takes you too deeply into the experience
4:33:37and you cross the line from stretch to
4:33:39stress, return to imagining the
4:33:42movement.
4:33:43If making the movement feel safe and
4:33:45manageable, carry out the action and
4:33:47feel how your body brings you into the
4:33:49experience of this pattern of
4:33:50protection.
4:33:52Listen to what your nervous system is
4:33:54saying as you hear the story that's
4:33:56brought to life in this particular way
4:33:58of moving.
4:34:00Now make just a small change to the
4:34:02pattern. Either do this in your
4:34:04imagination or with an action. Change
4:34:07the movement and settle into the new
4:34:09pattern.
4:34:11Where does the small change take you?
4:34:14Listen to the story that accompanies
4:34:16that shift. If the change shifted you
4:34:18out of protection and into a feeling of
4:34:20connection and the beginning of a new
4:34:22story of hope, stay with that new
4:34:25movement and feel its rhythm. If the
4:34:27change didn't quite bring you out of
4:34:29your pattern of protection and the story
4:34:31that's held there, try another small
4:34:34change to the movement,
4:34:36experiment until you come to a place
4:34:38where you feel the stirring of change
4:34:40and possibility.
4:34:42Listen to the beginnings of the new
4:34:43story using the new movement that brings
4:34:46you into connection. Experiment with
4:34:49moving between the old and new patterns.
4:34:52Feel the difference in your body and
4:34:54notice the shift in your state.
4:34:56Take in the experience of being able to
4:34:58flexibly transition between states as
4:35:02you feel the difference in your body and
4:35:04notice the shift in state. Listen to the
4:35:07story that emerges as you move between
4:35:09these patterns.
4:35:13Getting unstuck.
4:35:15Sometimes we are stuck in a pattern of
4:35:18protection that we can't seem to move
4:35:20out of. When that happens, movement is a
4:35:23safe way to explore the experience of
4:35:25being stuck. Create a new pattern and
4:35:28invite the beginning of a new story.
4:35:31Begin your exploration by finding a
4:35:33pattern of movement that represents your
4:35:35sense of being stuck.
4:35:38Imagine or enact the movement and see
4:35:40what images and feelings emerge. Listen
4:35:42to the story that is held in the
4:35:44repeating pattern.
4:35:47Now change the movement in a way that
4:35:49releases you from the pattern. Notice
4:35:52what happens to the image, feelings, and
4:35:54story as you go from being stuck to
4:35:57getting unstuck.
4:35:59Finally, move between the two and feel
4:36:01how your state changes as you travel
4:36:04between stuck and unstuck.
4:36:06Here is my example of being stuck and
4:36:08getting unstuck. My first movement was a
4:36:11cycle of stepping forward and back,
4:36:14forward and back. I imagined myself in
4:36:16that pattern and saw myself on a path
4:36:19stuck in that unending cycle. I felt the
4:36:23hopelessness of having no way out.
4:36:26I stood up as if I was actually walking
4:36:28on that pathway. And as I repeated that
4:36:30endless forward and back movement, I
4:36:33listened to the story of being trapped,
4:36:36powerless to move forward. And then I
4:36:39simply took a step off the path. I
4:36:42stopped the forward and back motion and
4:36:44stepped to the side. I stepped out of
4:36:47the pattern and stood still for a
4:36:49moment, taking in the feeling of no
4:36:51longer being on my old well-worn
4:36:53pathway. Then I experimented with moving
4:36:57between the forward and back pattern and
4:36:59the simple movement of stepping to the
4:37:01side. I repeated the sequence a few
4:37:04times to feel the change in my body and
4:37:06notice the change in my state. I began
4:37:09to hear the beginnings of a different
4:37:11story in which I was no longer
4:37:13powerless.
4:37:16Deepening a pattern of connection.
4:37:20Movement can also help us anchor more
4:37:22deeply in connection. Bring to mind a
4:37:26moment when you felt anchored in the
4:37:27vententral state and create a movement
4:37:30pattern that represents that state of
4:37:31connection, regulation, and safety.
4:37:35Find a movement that brings alive a
4:37:37sense of flow and possibility.
4:37:41Just like your movement in protection,
4:37:43this could be a partial or full body
4:37:45movement. As your nervous system anchors
4:37:47in that movement, sense your motor
4:37:49cortex join in the experience and feel
4:37:52it come alive.
4:37:54Settle into the repeating rhythm of the
4:37:56pattern. Now, see if you can bring the
4:37:59movement out of imagination into
4:38:00enacting. Again, if this feels too much
4:38:03for you and begins to take you out of
4:38:05the stretch into stress, return to
4:38:07imagining the movement.
4:38:10However you connect with this way of
4:38:11moving, let your body bring you the
4:38:14experience of being held in this pattern
4:38:16of connection.
4:38:18Now, make a small change to the pattern.
4:38:20Look for a change that deepens the
4:38:22experience and play with small changes
4:38:25until you've reached the place that
4:38:26feels just right.
4:38:28Listen to the story of well-being this
4:38:31movement brings to life.
4:38:34And now reenact your movement sequence.
4:38:37Feel the deepening that takes place as
4:38:39you go from one movement to the other.
4:38:41And listen to the story that emerges
4:38:43from this experience.
4:38:48Exploration. Imagining a new story.
4:38:52Imagery facilitates perception and
4:38:55evokes powerful messages. Even a short
4:38:58one minute imagery experience has an
4:39:01impact on our autonomic nervous system.
4:39:03This exploration uses our understanding
4:39:06of how the nervous system is shaped and
4:39:09the power of imagery to create a new
4:39:11story. Follow these basic steps to
4:39:14imagine a new story.
4:39:17One, connect with a state of protection
4:39:20or connection.
4:39:23Two, create an image to represent the
4:39:26state.
4:39:28Three, listen to the story the image is
4:39:31showing you.
4:39:34Four, change the image by adding or
4:39:37taking away one small element.
4:39:42Five, stop and see what happens with
4:39:45your experience and story.
4:39:49Six, repeat the process until you feel
4:39:52you have reached the point where you
4:39:53have stretched enough and any more would
4:39:56take you into stress.
4:39:59Seven, rest here in the new image and
4:40:02listen to the new story.
4:40:05Eight, spend a moment savoring.
4:40:09When you are exploring a state of
4:40:11protection, either sympathetic
4:40:12mobilization or dorsal shutdown, the
4:40:15goal is to make subtle changes to the
4:40:17image. So the story that emerges is one
4:40:20that takes you toward safety and
4:40:22connection. When you exploring a state
4:40:25of connection, the goal is to make
4:40:27subtle changes to the image to deepen
4:40:29your story of safety. Here is a recent
4:40:32example of my own exploration of a
4:40:34dorsal place of disconnection that
4:40:37follows the steps to imagine a new
4:40:39story. My image began with a scene that
4:40:42was barren with nothing alive, the only
4:40:44color shades of gray.
4:40:47The story that accompanied the image was
4:40:49of being invisible in an unwelcoming
4:40:52world.
4:40:53The first thing I added was a hint of
4:40:55color with some subtle shades of blues.
4:40:59The story shifted just a bit from a
4:41:01world that was unwelcoming to a world
4:41:03that was asleep.
4:41:05I added a small green plant that was
4:41:08just beginning to sprout and the story
4:41:10changed again. Now there was a sense of
4:41:13life stirring and it seemed like the
4:41:15world was beginning to wake up.
4:41:18I stopped here feeling this was the
4:41:20right degree of stretching and any more
4:41:22would move me into stress.
4:41:25Try this exploration yourself. Begin by
4:41:28connecting with a moment of protection
4:41:30or connection and bring it to life
4:41:32through an image. Add color, sounds,
4:41:35smells, a sense of energy, and any other
4:41:37elements that complete the image.
4:41:40When you feel the image is fully formed,
4:41:42listen to the story.
4:41:45Now, make a small change to the image.
4:41:47Change one detail, one thing that might
4:41:51bring just a bit of regulating energy
4:41:53in. What's the story now? Take a moment
4:41:56to listen.
4:41:58Change one more detail and listen in
4:42:01again.
4:42:02How has the story changed now? Continue
4:42:05to play with changing one small detail
4:42:08and listening to the new story. Remember
4:42:11this process of creating a new story is
4:42:13about stretching and not stressing.
4:42:16Stop when you feel you've reached the
4:42:17edge of stretching and reflect on the
4:42:20ways your story has changed.
4:42:23Deepen the restorying process by adding
4:42:25a moment of savoring practice.
4:42:28One, attend. Focus on the new image and
4:42:31story.
4:42:33Two, appreciate. Feel the richness of
4:42:36the images and words.
4:42:38Three, amplify. Stay in the experience
4:42:41for up to 30 seconds.
4:42:46Exploration stories with words.
4:42:50Language is an essential part of what
4:42:52makes us human. The words we choose can
4:42:56help us move out of a pattern of
4:42:57protection and enhance our experiences
4:43:00of safety and connection. Changing just
4:43:03a word or two can have a powerful impact
4:43:05on the state of our nervous system. We
4:43:08can explore using words to shape our
4:43:10states and stories with a simple
4:43:12three-step process. One, write a
4:43:16sentence that illustrates a belief about
4:43:18protection or connection.
4:43:21Two, change the sentence in some small
4:43:24way by replacing a word, taking a word
4:43:27out, or adding a word in. For a belief
4:43:30about protection, explore changes that
4:43:33shift the belief in the direction of
4:43:35connection. For example, relationships
4:43:38are dangerous and I'm better off on my
4:43:40own could be rewritten as some
4:43:43relationships are dangerous and
4:43:45sometimes I'm better off on my own. For
4:43:48a belief about connection, explore
4:43:50changes that move the belief into a
4:43:52deeper sense of connection. For example,
4:43:55I'm anchored in my state of safety and
4:43:57connection might become I'm firmly
4:43:59anchored in my state of safety and
4:44:01connection.
4:44:03Three, reflect on what happens to your
4:44:06state and your story with the changes.
4:44:09Try this practice now. Start by writing
4:44:12a sentence that describes a dorsal
4:44:14flavored state of protection.
4:44:17Change a word or words and write a new
4:44:20sentence that shifts the meaning toward
4:44:22the possibility of connection.
4:44:25With your new sentence, reflect on what
4:44:27happens to your state and your story.
4:44:30Repeat the practice by writing a
4:44:32sentence that brings alive a
4:44:33sympathetically charged state of
4:44:35protection. Now change a word or words
4:44:38and write a new sentence.
4:44:40Remember you're looking for words that
4:44:42shift the belief in the direction of
4:44:44connection. Reflect on how this affects
4:44:47your state and story.
4:44:50Finish by writing a sentence inspired by
4:44:53a belief about safety and connection.
4:44:56Change a word or words and write a new
4:44:58sentence that deepens the experience.
4:45:01Reflect on how this changes your state
4:45:03and reshapes your story.
4:45:06In this simple practice of changing just
4:45:08a word or two, we can listen to the
4:45:10beginnings of a new story.
4:45:13The experience of being between.
4:45:17The word chaos comes from the Greek word
4:45:20house meaning empty space or the space
4:45:24that exists before things come into
4:45:26being.
4:45:27Restoring is a process of becoming that
4:45:31requires us to navigate the
4:45:33vulnerability of being in the space
4:45:35between. We're no longer stuck in an old
4:45:38story but not yet grounded in a new one.
4:45:42We're like the trapeze artist in
4:45:43mid-flight who has let go of one bar and
4:45:46is flying through space reaching for the
4:45:48next bar. When we move into the space
4:45:51between, we take a leap of faith and
4:45:54reach for what comes next. I've come to
4:45:57know this process well over my lifetime,
4:45:59making many leaps and landings. Stop for
4:46:02a moment and think of some of the leaps
4:46:04you've made in your lifetime. Like mine,
4:46:07some have probably had softer landings
4:46:09than others.
4:46:13exploration, leaps and landings. I'm
4:46:16sure we each have many more leaps and
4:46:18landings to make. To help guide this
4:46:21process, we can follow four steps to the
4:46:23new story. One, observing where I am
4:46:26now. Two, letting go.
4:46:30Three, taking a leap. And four, landing
4:46:34safely.
4:46:36Observing where I am now. Start by
4:46:40thinking of a pattern you're in that
4:46:41feels like it isn't nourishing your
4:46:43nervous system. A pattern that comes
4:46:45from a survival state. Take time to be
4:46:48with this awareness and get to know how
4:46:50this pattern of protection works. Use
4:46:53your journal to document the things you
4:46:55want to note about what you find.
4:46:59Letting go. Begin to consider what it
4:47:02would be like to let go of your pattern.
4:47:04Imagine stepping out of that pattern. As
4:47:07you see yourself doing that, look for
4:47:10your worries by filling in the sentence.
4:47:12If I stepped out of this pattern, then
4:47:16repeat this a few times until you feel
4:47:18like you have a full understanding of
4:47:20the worries that might get in the way.
4:47:23Having identified the worries, use the
4:47:25same sentence, if I stepped out of this
4:47:27pattern, then to find the hope.
4:47:31Again, use this sentence several times
4:47:33to feel the ways hope can support you in
4:47:36letting go. End by noticing what happens
4:47:39in your nervous system as you imagine
4:47:41letting go.
4:47:44Taking a leap.
4:47:46Take the information you've gathered so
4:47:48far and imagine actually taking one step
4:47:51out of your familiar pattern into the
4:47:54unknown.
4:47:55You might only see the first step on a
4:47:57stairway or see a bridge and not know
4:48:00where it leads. Or perhaps you might see
4:48:02yourself as a trapeze artist flying
4:48:04through the air. As you imagine making a
4:48:07leap, remember you don't yet know where
4:48:10you're heading. You just know you're
4:48:12ready to step out of an old adaptive
4:48:14survival pattern.
4:48:16Bring in just enough regulating
4:48:18vententral veagal energy to support
4:48:20moving forward. and then see yourself
4:48:23taking the leap that will lead you to
4:48:25somewhere new but not yet known. Use
4:48:28your journal to document the experience
4:48:30of taking that leap.
4:48:34Landing safely.
4:48:37Finally, see yourself landing in new
4:48:39territory. You don't need to see all the
4:48:42elements of this new place. Feel your
4:48:44vententral veagal system holding you in
4:48:46safety and welcome the curiosity that
4:48:49comes along with that. It's okay to be
4:48:51in this place of not knowing. Look
4:48:54around this new place where you've
4:48:55landed and document what you find.
4:48:58Now go back and review what you found in
4:49:00each of the four steps. Feel the states
4:49:03and state shifts and the way you are
4:49:05stretching your system throughout the
4:49:07story. Are there enough cues of safety
4:49:10for you to imagine following through?
4:49:12You can always go back and revisit the
4:49:14leap and landing steps and add some
4:49:17elements that bring more connection to
4:49:19vententral regulation.
4:49:22Return to this four-step process
4:49:24whenever you recognize you're in a
4:49:26restoring process and moving into the
4:49:29space between or use the steps as a
4:49:31resource as you begin to consider making
4:49:34a leap.
4:49:36I'd like to end this chapter with a
4:49:38story about change. Woven into the
4:49:41writing, you'll find the four steps of
4:49:43the leaps and landings exploration
4:49:45glimmers in the rays of sunshine and the
4:49:48power of predictable co-regulation, the
4:49:51animals to create the safety needed to
4:49:53move into a new story.
4:49:58The journey.
4:50:01Once a long time ago, a young woman set
4:50:04out on a journey.
4:50:06Like all the women in her family, she
4:50:08carried a heavy canoe on her back as she
4:50:11walked. The path was rocky, and many
4:50:14times she felt like giving up.
4:50:17Each time she decided she couldn't go
4:50:19on, a tiny ray of sunshine would reach
4:50:22her and warm her heart just a little.
4:50:26Finally, she came to the banks of a
4:50:28roaring river. It looked dangerous and
4:50:31impossible to cross. But on the other
4:50:33side, she could just make out a
4:50:35beautiful green field. If I can only
4:50:38reach the field, she thought, I can
4:50:40safely rest.
4:50:42The young woman bravely launched the
4:50:45canoe and was swept into the current.
4:50:47She struggled mightily, but was not
4:50:49strong enough to fight the river. She
4:50:51let herself be taken by the current and
4:50:53was carried downstream for many miles
4:50:56until finally she grabbed the branch of
4:50:59a tree hanging over the riverbed. She
4:51:02clung to the branch while she gathered
4:51:04enough strength to pull herself and the
4:51:06canoe out of the river. Resting on the
4:51:09banks of the river, she huddled under
4:51:11the canoe for protection. She knew she
4:51:14couldn't remain under the canoe forever,
4:51:16and she wanted to see the world on this
4:51:18side of the river. So the woman again
4:51:21put the canoe on her back and began to
4:51:22walk. As she walked up hills and through
4:51:26valleys, she met many friendly animals
4:51:28and they asked her why she was carrying
4:51:30a canoe. She said that was what the
4:51:33women in her family did and that she had
4:51:36needed it to cross the river. The
4:51:38animals told her there were no more
4:51:40rivers in this part of the country and
4:51:42she would be better able to explore
4:51:44without the heavy canoe on her back.
4:51:47The young woman put the canoe down and
4:51:49tried traveling a few steps without it,
4:51:52but each time she picked it up again.
4:51:55She just couldn't imagine being without
4:51:57it. It felt so strange to not carry that
4:52:00heavy load.
4:52:02Many miles passed and the young woman
4:52:05reached a mountain. The promise of a
4:52:07beautiful meadow filled with flowers was
4:52:09on the other side. But how could she
4:52:11climb the mountain with a canoe on her
4:52:13back? Could she trust the animals who
4:52:16told her she wouldn't need that canoe
4:52:18again? Could she even imagine a life
4:52:21without carrying the canoe on her back?
4:52:24The animals sat with her and waited
4:52:26while she thought.
4:52:28She had traveled so far, and it had been
4:52:31such a difficult journey. She wanted so
4:52:34much to reach the meadow. The animals
4:52:36had stayed with her from the moment she
4:52:38first found them. Perhaps she really
4:52:41could trust they would be with her and
4:52:43believe what they were telling her.
4:52:46Maybe she really didn't need the canoe
4:52:48any longer. Maybe it was time to leave
4:52:51it behind. It would always be a part of
4:52:54her memory, but she knew she couldn't
4:52:56take it with her up the mountain.
4:52:59The young woman cried as she put the
4:53:01canoe down. She had tried so many times
4:53:04before. Would this time be any
4:53:06different?
4:53:08The tiny rays of sunshine that had
4:53:10warmed her heart had now grown into a
4:53:12beam of sunlight. She had her animal
4:53:15friends to travel with her. She knew
4:53:18climbing the mountain would be hard, but
4:53:20she had already escaped the raging river
4:53:22and survived so much.
4:53:25The young woman touched the canoe one
4:53:27last time, and then turned away to face
4:53:30the mountain, and she and her animal
4:53:32companions began to climb.
4:53:3710 self-trcendent
4:53:40experiences.
4:53:42So at the end of this day, we give
4:53:44thanks for being betrothed to the
4:53:47unknown. John Odonahue to bless the
4:53:50space between us.
4:53:53The word transcendent comes from the
4:53:55Latin scandere meaning to climb and the
4:53:59prefix trans meaning beyond. A
4:54:02self-trcendent experience takes us
4:54:05beyond the ordinary and transports us
4:54:08across a boundary. In these moments, we
4:54:11move beyond our singular self into a
4:54:14deep sense of interconnection.
4:54:16We feel a sense of oneness with people
4:54:19and the planet. These are commonly
4:54:21experienced moments no matter what our
4:54:24culture or where we live. Self-trcendent
4:54:27experiences of awe, gratitude,
4:54:29compassion, elevation, and stillness all
4:54:33have their roots in the autonomic
4:54:35nervous system. When we understand how
4:54:38the autonomic nervous system is involved
4:54:40in these powerful moments, we can take
4:54:43them in more fully and create the
4:54:45conditions that support ongoing
4:54:47connection to moments of transcendence.
4:54:51Awefilled.
4:54:52A feeling of awe brings a sense of
4:54:55wonder and stimulates our curiosity,
4:54:57taking us out of our everyday life and
4:55:00into a moment of reverence or deep
4:55:02appreciation.
4:55:04In a moment of awe, we feel a vententral
4:55:06inspired connection first to ourselves
4:55:09and then outward to others, the world,
4:55:11and spirit. Some of the benefits of awe
4:55:14include a desire to explore the physical
4:55:17world, an increased interest in reaching
4:55:20out and helping others, a reduction of
4:55:22physical inflammation, and a greater
4:55:25sense of well-being.
4:55:27In a moment of awe, we experience being
4:55:29in the presence of something vast that
4:55:32transforms our experience of the world.
4:55:35We feel both small and connected to
4:55:37something much larger than ourselves,
4:55:39and our old way of thinking no longer
4:55:41fits.
4:55:43We are humbled by our place in the world
4:55:45and filled with wonder. Even our
4:55:48experience of time changes from concrete
4:55:50and limited to expansive and timeless.
4:55:54Awe in its first awakening is a solitary
4:55:57experience making it available to all of
4:56:00us even when we are on our own either by
4:56:03choice or through circumstance.
4:56:06It is after we take in the moment by
4:56:08ourselves that we are then often moved
4:56:11to reach out and share our experience
4:56:13with others.
4:56:15Awe is found in extraordinary moments.
4:56:18We encounter something that stops us in
4:56:20our tracks. A moment so awe inspiring we
4:56:23are aruck.
4:56:25I experienced a moment like that when I
4:56:27stood in the center of the circle of
4:56:29stones at Stonehenge.
4:56:31Can you remember a moment when you were
4:56:33aruck?
4:56:35Awe is also found in everyday
4:56:37experiences. A bird singing, a flower
4:56:40blooming in the garden, a piece of music
4:56:42playing. Moments of awe are abundant in
4:56:45our everyday world. How do you recognize
4:56:48them? Be on the lookout for wonder,
4:56:51amazement, or reverence.
4:56:53We are drawn to the places where we
4:56:55experience awe. They become our awe
4:56:58environments.
4:57:00These are the places we can return to
4:57:02easily and predictably find a moment of
4:57:04awe.
4:57:05I live on the coast and one of my awe
4:57:07environments is walking by the ocean.
4:57:10Another is standing outside before dawn
4:57:12looking up at the stars and then again
4:57:15seeing the first light in the sky. In
4:57:18these simple moments, in places that are
4:57:20within my reach, I connect to the
4:57:23awesomeness of daily living. Where is a
4:57:26place you can return to easily and find
4:57:29a moment of awe?
4:57:31Look for a place in the natural world
4:57:33where you can feel that you are one
4:57:35being connected to a community of beings
4:57:38and connected to the planet. Once you
4:57:41find an awe environment, you can begin
4:57:43to regularly invite awe into your life.
4:57:47Just as the nervous system is shaped in
4:57:49small moments that are repeated over
4:57:50time, it seems that small moments of awe
4:57:53add up and predict well-being in the
4:57:56future. Moments of awe are truly
4:57:58autonomic shaping experiences.
4:58:01Make an intention to connect with awe
4:58:03each day. The awe intention I wrote
4:58:06recently was, "Each morning when I get
4:58:09up, I'll go outside and find the Big
4:58:11Dipper. Write an intention to connect
4:58:14with the everyday moments of awe that
4:58:16are all around you."
4:58:19A feeling of gratitude.
4:58:22Gratitude can be thought of as an
4:58:24appreciation for what is valuable and
4:58:26meaningful to us. It is an experience of
4:58:30thankfulness.
4:58:32Gratitude is both an embodied feeling
4:58:34and an action we take. And like awe,
4:58:37gratitude is tied to the vententral
4:58:39veagal system. Physically, as we enter a
4:58:42moment of gratitude, our heart rhythms
4:58:44change, our blood pressure drops, our
4:58:48immune function improves, our stress is
4:58:50reduced, and we sleep longer and deeper.
4:58:54Psychologically, we feel more joyful,
4:58:56more alive, more generous, more
4:58:58compassionate, and more connected to
4:59:00others. We experience more life
4:59:03satisfaction and less burnout. These
4:59:06physical and psychological experiences
4:59:08are outcomes of being anchored in the
4:59:11vententral state.
4:59:13Gratitude is an experience of
4:59:15connection. It is an emotion that exists
4:59:18in relationship with others and that
4:59:20pulls us to want to deepen those
4:59:22relationships.
4:59:23We become aware of receiving goodness
4:59:26and aware that those gifts of goodness
4:59:28come from another human being. When we
4:59:31feel gratitude, we then are moved to
4:59:34want to offer a gift of goodness in
4:59:36return.
4:59:37Gratitude brings the elements of
4:59:39reciprocity alive in our connection with
4:59:41others and creates a positive feedback
4:59:43loop. Reflect on a moment of gratitude.
4:59:47Feel the sense of reciprocity and the
4:59:50flow of vententral energy in the
4:59:51experience of offering and receiving
4:59:54goodness.
4:59:55We can engage in a multitude of
4:59:58gratitude practices from counting
5:00:00blessings to keeping a gratitude
5:00:02journal, praying or saying a simple
5:00:05thank you to someone. What all gratitude
5:00:08practices have in common is that they
5:00:10emerge from a vententral veagal state of
5:00:12safety and the nervous systems pull
5:00:14toward connection.
5:00:16When I think about gratitude practices,
5:00:19I think about the ripple effect that
5:00:21comes from throwing a stone in the
5:00:23water. One moment of gratitude, one
5:00:26simple act of goodness ripples out to
5:00:29reach others one by one, mirroring the
5:00:33circles of vententral veagal connections
5:00:35moving through the world.
5:00:39Paying it forward.
5:00:41Elevation may not be a term that you are
5:00:43familiar with, but it's an experience
5:00:45you have likely had many times in your
5:00:47lifetime. Elevation is the inspiring
5:00:50feeling we experience when we see
5:00:53unexpected acts of human goodness,
5:00:56kindness, courage or compassion.
5:00:59When we are moved in this way, we have
5:01:02the dual response of wanting to help
5:01:04others and wanting to become a better
5:01:06person ourselves.
5:01:08Looking at this response through the
5:01:09lens of the autonomic nervous system,
5:01:11the experience of elevation activates
5:01:14both vententral and sympathetic
5:01:16circuits. The sympathetic system brings
5:01:19mobilizing energy while the vententral
5:01:21system through the actions of the veagal
5:01:24break brings regulation and infuses our
5:01:27actions with compassion. We are touched
5:01:30by an experience and then move to offer
5:01:32an act of kindness to another person
5:01:35through elevation. When we see a good
5:01:38deed, we want to become a doer of good
5:01:40deeds.
5:01:42Opportunities to experience moments of
5:01:44elevation are all around us. We're moved
5:01:47by news stories that show someone doing
5:01:49a good deed. Accounts of people doing
5:01:52remarkable things pull us to want to do
5:01:54something good ourselves.
5:01:57Remember a time when you were moved in
5:01:58this way. A moment when you experienced
5:02:01elevation.
5:02:03How were you affected by that
5:02:04experience? And what were you moved to
5:02:06do next?
5:02:08Unexpected acts of goodness, kindness,
5:02:11courage, or compassion happen all around
5:02:14us, often without us stopping to notice.
5:02:17Just like a gratitude practice,
5:02:19elevation sends ripples out into the
5:02:21world, changing it one act at a time.
5:02:25However, rather than inspiring us to
5:02:27respond directly to the act we
5:02:29witnessed, elevation stirs us to reach
5:02:32out into the world and pay it forward.
5:02:36Write an intention that will help you be
5:02:38open to seeing acts of goodness, be a
5:02:41witness to goodness, and then become a
5:02:43doer of good deeds.
5:02:47Compassionate connections.
5:02:49Archbishop Desmond Tutu once wrote, "We
5:02:53are each made for goodness, love, and
5:02:55compassion. Our lives are transformed as
5:02:58much as the world is when we live with
5:03:00these truths."
5:03:02If empathy is feeling someone's
5:03:05suffering, then a way to think about
5:03:07compassion is empathy in action. I see
5:03:11your suffering. I feel your suffering.
5:03:13And then I move to want to help in some
5:03:15way.
5:03:17Compassion combines an emotional
5:03:19response with a desire to help. And just
5:03:23as we are wired to be in connection with
5:03:25each other, we are wired with an impulse
5:03:27to help with an instinct for compassion.
5:03:31Research has shown that compassion is
5:03:33part of our human nature. Both giving
5:03:36compassion and receiving compassion have
5:03:38benefits for our well-being. We
5:03:41experience a reduced risk of heart
5:03:43disease. We have a strengthened immune
5:03:46response and we have an increased
5:03:48resilience to stress.
5:03:50Remember a time when you felt
5:03:52compassion, when you felt someone
5:03:54suffering and were moved to want to
5:03:56help. As you revisit this moment, feel
5:03:59the energy of your vententral veagal
5:04:01system. And now remember a time when you
5:04:04received a compassionate gesture from
5:04:06someone. And again feel the energy of
5:04:09your vententral veagal system. The
5:04:12vententral vagus is an integral part of
5:04:14the experience of offering and receiving
5:04:17compassion.
5:04:18Because of this, the vagus is sometimes
5:04:21called the compassion nerve. If we're
5:04:24chronically in a state of sympathetic
5:04:25mobilization or dorsal veagal collapse,
5:04:28we lose our capacity for compassion.
5:04:32It's only when we're held in the energy
5:04:34of connection, when we're anchored in
5:04:36our vententral veagal system that we
5:04:38have the capacity for compassion. Only
5:04:41then can we see someone suffering, feel
5:04:44their suffering, be with them, and reach
5:04:47out to offer support.
5:04:50we can develop a greater capacity for
5:04:52compassion. One of the ways we do this
5:04:54is to strengthen our capacity to be in a
5:04:57state of vententral veagal regulation.
5:05:00All of the practices in the prior
5:05:02sections that help you anchor in the
5:05:04vententral system also support your
5:05:06capacity for compassion.
5:05:09Setting an intention for compassion is a
5:05:11way to resource that capacity.
5:05:14Remembering that compassion is only
5:05:16possible when we're in a vententral
5:05:18veagal state. Find your way to your
5:05:21vententral home and anchor there. From
5:05:24that place of safety and connection,
5:05:27write your compassion intention.
5:05:29A practice of creating compassion
5:05:31intentions increases our capacity for
5:05:34compassion. So regularly write a new
5:05:37intention.
5:05:39When we look through the eyes of
5:05:40compassion, we are able to see someone
5:05:43who is struggling and not make a moral
5:05:45judgment about them. They are not bad or
5:05:48broken. They are stuck in an adaptive
5:05:51survival state. We understand their
5:05:54autonomic nervous system has taken them
5:05:56out of connection into protection. And
5:05:59we can feel compassion for that
5:06:00experience. We have experienced what
5:06:03it's like to be hijacked by a state.
5:06:06Realizing that we all have a nervous
5:06:08system that is fundamentally wired in
5:06:10the same way is a starting point to
5:06:13developing compassion toward the family
5:06:15and friends around us who at times
5:06:18challenge our capacity for connection
5:06:20and for the people in the world who
5:06:22think and feel and act in ways unlike
5:06:25ours.
5:06:26Recognizing our commonalities is a
5:06:29foundation for compassion.
5:06:32The compassion practice coming up just
5:06:35like me is a useful way to bring this
5:06:37awareness into action.
5:06:40Exploration
5:06:42just like me.
5:06:45This practice helps us move from a sense
5:06:47of me to a sense of we by using
5:06:50statements that recognize not our
5:06:51differences but our similarities.
5:06:54Someone else has a body, a mind,
5:06:57feelings, thoughts, has suffered and
5:06:59experienced joy and wants to be healthy
5:07:02and feel loved just like me. We can take
5:07:06this practice and use it to see how
5:07:08other autonomic nervous systems are
5:07:10ordered and organized and activate in
5:07:13ways just like ours.
5:07:15Imagine
5:07:17these phrases are about a friend and
5:07:19notice what happens for you as you
5:07:22carefully consider them.
5:07:26Just like me, this person experiences
5:07:29times of connection and times of
5:07:31protection.
5:07:34Just like me, this person responds to
5:07:36cues of safety and cues of danger.
5:07:41Just like me, this person can disconnect
5:07:44and disappear.
5:07:47Just like me, this person can feel
5:07:49dangerous.
5:07:52Just like me, this person can be warm
5:07:54and welcoming.
5:07:57Take a moment and reflect on these
5:07:59phrases and your autonomic responses.
5:08:02What were your states? What were your
5:08:05stories?
5:08:07Now imagine these phrases are about
5:08:09someone who is not your friend, who you
5:08:11don't feel connected to, or who you may
5:08:14even have a conflict with.
5:08:17Just like me, this person experiences
5:08:20times of connection and times of
5:08:21protection.
5:08:24Just like me, this person responds to
5:08:26cues of safety and cues of danger.
5:08:31Just like me, this person can disconnect
5:08:33and disappear.
5:08:36Just like me, this person can feel
5:08:38dangerous.
5:08:41Just like me, this person can be warm
5:08:43and welcoming.
5:08:46What happened this time? What states did
5:08:48you experience? And what stories did you
5:08:50hear?
5:08:53Next, write phrases of your own that
5:08:55recognize the natural ways we all
5:08:57regulate, move into survival responses,
5:09:01rest in a state of connection, and can
5:09:03be pulled into protection.
5:09:05Write four or five phrases, choosing the
5:09:07autonomic similarities that you want to
5:09:10recognize.
5:09:12Use your phrases and imagine saying them
5:09:14about someone you're close to. Read each
5:09:16phrase and hold this person in your
5:09:18awareness. Notice your autonomic
5:09:21response and the stories that emerge.
5:09:25Now, choose someone who is not a friend
5:09:27and read your phrases with that person
5:09:29in mind. Notice how your nervous system
5:09:32responds and the stories that emerge.
5:09:35Return to this practice often. You can
5:09:38write new statements to deepen your
5:09:40connection with people you're close to
5:09:42and explore how it might feel to connect
5:09:44with people you're struggling with.
5:09:47The autonomic nervous system is the
5:09:49common denominator in our human
5:09:51experience. It allows us to see others
5:09:54as we are ourselves. Our capacity for
5:09:57compassion is grounded in our capacity
5:10:00to be in a state of vententral veagal
5:10:02regulation and can increase with time
5:10:04and practice.
5:10:07As our ability to anchor in the
5:10:09vententral system deepens, so will our
5:10:12capacity for compassion.
5:10:16Forgiveness.
5:10:18Compassion has a natural partner in
5:10:21forgiveness.
5:10:22With compassion, it is possible to see
5:10:25beyond the harm someone did to us and
5:10:27see their humanity.
5:10:30Compassion opens the door to moving into
5:10:32forgiveness.
5:10:34Forgiveness is not forgetting. It is
5:10:37remembering from a state of ventilagal
5:10:39regulation.
5:10:41When we remain unforgiving, our
5:10:43autonomic nervous system holds on to the
5:10:45experience with an activated sympathetic
5:10:48survival state. Remembering brings the
5:10:51experience alive again, not just in our
5:10:54minds, but also in our biology.
5:10:57We benefit from the autonomic protection
5:10:59of forgiveness and suffer with the
5:11:02autonomic risks of unforgiveness.
5:11:05Offering and receiving forgiveness are
5:11:08both tied to a regulated nervous system.
5:11:11Forgiveness is associated with decreased
5:11:14anxiety and depression and lower rates
5:11:16of cardiovascular disease. When we stay
5:11:20in a state of unforgiving, remembering
5:11:22the harm we suffered or thinking about
5:11:25the person who harmed us activates our
5:11:27sympathetic survival.
5:11:29When we move into forgiveness, we
5:11:32interrupt the autonomic disregulation
5:11:34that accompanies unforgiving.
5:11:37Think about being in the state of
5:11:39unforgiveness with someone and imagine
5:11:41you and that person are holding two ends
5:11:44of a toxic rope. Notice how your body
5:11:47responds to this image.
5:11:50This connection keeps you from finding
5:11:52your way back to your anchor in
5:11:54regulation.
5:11:56Now imagine putting down your end of the
5:11:58toxic rope. Take yourself out of that
5:12:02unforgiving connection.
5:12:04As you look at the other person,
5:12:06remember they are still holding their
5:12:08end of the toxic rope and need to do
5:12:10their own work to forgive or make amends
5:12:13and receive forgiveness.
5:12:16See if you can feel the emergence of
5:12:17compassion and a beginning ability to
5:12:20forgive.
5:12:22Just imagining forgiving begins the move
5:12:25toward well-being.
5:12:27Even if the thought of moving from
5:12:29unforgiveness to forgiveness feels like
5:12:31too big a leap in this moment, hold on
5:12:34to the thought that in the future it
5:12:37will be possible for you to find your
5:12:39way to the benefits of forgiveness,
5:12:43safely still.
5:12:46While stillness may not ordinarily be
5:12:48thought of as a self-trcendent
5:12:51experience, I include it in this chapter
5:12:54because I believe it takes us out of our
5:12:56ordinary experience to a place of
5:12:59feeling a deep sense of connection.
5:13:02Echarttole in the power of now writes in
5:13:06the stillness of your presence you can
5:13:09feel your own formless and timeless
5:13:11reality.
5:13:13You look beyond the veil of form and
5:13:16separation.
5:13:17This is the realization of oneness.
5:13:21The ability to become still without
5:13:23stimulating a survival response is a
5:13:25complicated and challenging process.
5:13:28This excerpt from the poem After a
5:13:31Blizzard by poet Gary Whitehead puts
5:13:34words to the struggle many of us have to
5:13:37hold on to a moment of stillness.
5:13:40In this ark of snow now hanging over the
5:13:43creek bank, in the windless air, a
5:13:46stillness so silent and at rest I could
5:13:50not hold it.
5:13:52We again turn to the nervous system to
5:13:55begin to explore coming into stillness.
5:13:59Biologically, stillness is a blend of
5:14:01autonomic states where the two branches
5:14:04of the vagus, the oldest dorsal and
5:14:07newest vententral work together so we
5:14:10can immobilize without fear. The
5:14:13vententral state brings us alive and
5:14:15into connection with passion, ease, and
5:14:18calm. While the dorsal state brings
5:14:20survival through numbing and collapse.
5:14:23It's only when these two veagal
5:14:25pathways, the ancient energy of
5:14:28immobilization and the new energy of
5:14:30connection join together that we can
5:14:34experience becoming safely still.
5:14:38Exploration,
5:14:39finding stillness.
5:14:42When we experience safety and stillness,
5:14:45we can be comfortable with silence,
5:14:47engage in self-reflection, attune with
5:14:50another person, and meet them in
5:14:52wordless connection, and be present to
5:14:55the joy of intimate experiences.
5:14:58We each have our own way to describe the
5:15:00experience of stillness. It might be
5:15:03quiet, solitude, or presence. Find the
5:15:07words that fit for you.
5:15:10Explore your experiences with stillness.
5:15:13Write a stillness statement that creates
5:15:16a drop into dorsal collapse.
5:15:19One that brings a surge of sympathetic
5:15:21energy and one that invites safe
5:15:24connection with a moment of quiet.
5:15:27For example, if I become still, I
5:15:29disappear.
5:15:31Stillness is scary and I need to stay
5:15:33away from it.
5:15:35When I enter into a moment of stillness,
5:15:38the feeling of quiet nourishes me.
5:15:42For each of us, there are certain people
5:15:44and relationships that invite sitting in
5:15:47companionable silence and connecting in
5:15:49stillness. Is there someone in your life
5:15:52with whom you feel safe to be still?
5:15:56Reflect on what it is about that
5:15:58relationship that creates the conditions
5:16:00of safety necessary to share a moment of
5:16:03stillness.
5:16:05Certain places in our daily lives bring
5:16:08us the opportunity to safely enter into
5:16:10a moment of quiet. Identify the
5:16:13qualities of a place that invite you
5:16:15into stillness.
5:16:17Consider whether you're drawn to a place
5:16:19that is quiet or offer certain sounds.
5:16:23It could be a place where you can be
5:16:24alone or a place where you're with
5:16:26others, an indoor space or outside in
5:16:29nature.
5:16:30Listen to your autonomic nervous system
5:16:33as you explore environments that offer
5:16:35an opportunity for stillness.
5:16:38Look for a place that is easy to return
5:16:40to and where you can regularly find a
5:16:43moment of stillness.
5:16:46We all have certain times when we can
5:16:48most easily find stillness.
5:16:51Sometimes it's a certain time of day or
5:16:54day of the week. Sometimes stillness
5:16:56appears when we're engaging in an
5:16:58activity that offers it naturally.
5:17:01Look around your daily living and see if
5:17:03you can find those invitations.
5:17:07Finally, it's necessary to know when we
5:17:09are in need of a moment of stillness.
5:17:12For this, we need to tune in and listen
5:17:14to the cues our autonomic nervous
5:17:16systems are sending. As you think about
5:17:19your personal needs for stillness, what
5:17:22signs suggest that you are longing for a
5:17:24moment of quiet or solitude?
5:17:28When you know the people, places, and
5:17:30times that offer you opportunities to
5:17:33become safely still and the signs that
5:17:36let you know you need a moment of
5:17:38solitude, you have the information
5:17:40necessary to create a plan to add
5:17:43moments of stillness to your life.
5:17:46Through the practice of coming into
5:17:48stillness, you begin to shape your
5:17:50system in new ways and your capacity to
5:17:52become safely still deepens.
5:17:55Each moment of stillness is a moment
5:17:58that nourishes your nervous system.
5:18:02Benevolence.
5:18:04Benevolence fits well with the
5:18:06transcendent experiences we've explored
5:18:08in this chapter.
5:18:10In the dictionary, benevolence is
5:18:12defined as an act of kindness. In our
5:18:15autonomic exploration, benevolence is
5:18:18the active ongoing intentional use of
5:18:21vententral veagal energy in service of
5:18:24healing.
5:18:25I'd like to end this chapter by offering
5:18:28you my benevolence meditation from my
5:18:30book, The Poly Vagal Theory and Therapy.
5:18:35Benevolence meditation.
5:18:38Make the turn from outward awareness to
5:18:40inner connection.
5:18:43Find the place inside your body where
5:18:46you sense the stirring of vententral
5:18:48veagal energy.
5:18:50This may be in your heart, your chest,
5:18:53your face, behind your eyes, or
5:18:56somewhere else unique to your system.
5:19:00Feel the place where your energy of
5:19:03kindness is born and settle into that
5:19:05space for a moment.
5:19:08Join in the flow of vententral veagal
5:19:10energy as it moves throughout your body.
5:19:15Maybe there's a sense of warmth
5:19:17spreading. Perhaps your heart feels as
5:19:20if it's expanding or your chest feels
5:19:22full.
5:19:24There might be a tingling in your eyes
5:19:26or a tightness in your throat.
5:19:29Take a moment to get to know your own
5:19:31personal experience of this vententral
5:19:34veagal flow.
5:19:36Stop and savor this state.
5:19:39And now imagine using this energy in the
5:19:42service of healing.
5:19:44Feel the power of this state to hold
5:19:47another person or another system in care
5:19:50and compassion.
5:19:54Visualize the many ways you can actively
5:19:56use this state to shape the world.
5:20:00Maybe you're holding a loved one in your
5:20:02stream of vententral veagal energy to
5:20:04ease their suffering.
5:20:07Or perhaps you're the person with an
5:20:09enlivened vententral veagal system in
5:20:11the midst of dysregulation.
5:20:14Take a moment to recognize the people in
5:20:16your life and the places in your world
5:20:19that are in need of your vententral
5:20:21veagal presence.
5:20:23Imagine moving into those connections
5:20:26from your state of vententral veagal
5:20:28abundance.
5:20:31Through the active ongoing intentional
5:20:34offering of vententral veagal energy,
5:20:37you are a beacon of kindness,
5:20:39generosity, goodness, compassion,
5:20:44friendship, and common humanity.
5:20:47Create an intention to beam benevolence.
5:20:5311. Caring for the nervous system.
5:20:58We all have the seeds of love in us.
5:21:01Ticknat Han.
5:21:04Up until this point, we've been
5:21:06exploring how the autonomic nervous
5:21:07system works and how to begin to shape
5:21:10it in new ways towards safety and
5:21:12connection. In this chapter, we shift
5:21:15from attending to tending and look at
5:21:18ways to nourish our nervous systems.
5:21:21Knowing what nourishes us and taking
5:21:23actions to connect with those things is
5:21:26part of the ongoing experience of
5:21:28well-being that is possible when we are
5:21:31anchored in vententral.
5:21:34Tuning in, taking in, tending to.
5:21:39One of the ways we nourish our nervous
5:21:40system is with the steps of tuning in,
5:21:43taking in, and tending to. Tuning in and
5:21:47taking in are experiences of connecting
5:21:50and listening. While tending to uses an
5:21:54accompanying action that is based on
5:21:56what we learn from connecting and
5:21:57listening. We make an intention to tune
5:22:00into what's happening in our system. Not
5:22:03only to notice a move into survival, but
5:22:06also to recognize when we're safely
5:22:09anchored in vententral. We listen to
5:22:11what our neurosception is saying, take
5:22:14in the cues of safety and danger and see
5:22:16what's needed to find our way to
5:22:18regulation or deepen the experience of
5:22:21being anchored in safety. And finally,
5:22:24we tend to the needs that are present by
5:22:27taking an action. Try doing this now.
5:22:31Tune in. Notice what state you are in.
5:22:34Tune into the flavor of that state.
5:22:38Take in. What are the cues of safety and
5:22:41danger you find? What information is
5:22:44your neurosception sending?
5:22:4710 two. With the information you now
5:22:50have, what action can you take that will
5:22:53move you toward the safety and
5:22:54regulation of your vententral system or
5:22:57help you anchor more deeply there? What
5:23:00does your nervous system need to feel
5:23:02nourished in this moment?
5:23:05Through the simple steps of tuning in,
5:23:08taking in, and tending to, we gather the
5:23:11information needed to create a
5:23:13nourishing action. Make an intention to
5:23:16practice this regularly. When setting
5:23:19intentions, it's necessary to find the
5:23:21right degree of challenge for the
5:23:23nervous system. We often have a desire
5:23:25to do something new, but set unrealistic
5:23:28expectations about following through.
5:23:32When our brains are not on the same page
5:23:34as our autonomic nervous systems, our
5:23:36intentions create cues of danger and
5:23:39shut down our ability to engage instead
5:23:42of creating cues of safety and
5:23:44stretching the system.
5:23:46Set an intention that brings the right
5:23:48degree of challenge.
5:23:50When you think about engaging with this
5:23:52practice, how often do you think you
5:23:54should do it when you first start out?
5:23:56Once an hour, three times a day, once a
5:23:59day, once a week? Write your intention
5:24:02and then read it and see how your
5:24:04nervous system responds. Do you find a
5:24:07vententral veagal inspired yes, a
5:24:10sympathetic sense that it's too much and
5:24:11brings anxiety and push back or a dorsal
5:24:15sense that it's unrealistic which
5:24:17triggers a loss of hope?
5:24:19When we make an intention and set a goal
5:24:22for our practice without making an
5:24:24agreement that includes our autonomic
5:24:26nervous system, we often don't follow
5:24:28through. Not because we don't want to,
5:24:31but because our biology doesn't support
5:24:33it. Review your plan and revise it in
5:24:36any way needed to support your
5:24:38intention. Write your intention in
5:24:40partnership with your nervous system to
5:24:43create a plan that stays on the stretch
5:24:45side of the stretch to stress continuum.
5:24:48Remember, once we cross over the
5:24:50midpoint to the stress side, our system
5:24:53closes to change. When the connection
5:24:56protection equation tilts more towards
5:24:59cues of danger than safety, we are
5:25:01unable to follow through
5:25:04with your new plan to tune in, take in,
5:25:07and tend to that you've created through
5:25:10this brain body collaboration. See if
5:25:13you are able to follow your intention.
5:25:16Your intention needs to catch and keep
5:25:18your interest. As the challenges in our
5:25:21daily lives eb and flow, so does our
5:25:24capacity to engage with a practice.
5:25:27Track your ability to follow through and
5:25:30revisit and revise your intention to fit
5:25:33your changing experience.
5:25:35As you go forward with any intention
5:25:38setting, use this process to find and
5:25:41follow the right degree of challenge for
5:25:43your nervous system.
5:25:47Flexibility and resilience.
5:25:50Flexibility and resilience go hand in
5:25:52hand. A flexible system is a resilient
5:25:56system and a resilient system is a
5:25:58flexible system. We need to remember
5:26:01that well-being is not defined by a
5:26:04nervous system that is always in
5:26:06regulation. A nervous system that brings
5:26:08qualities of well-being still
5:26:10disregulates. But rather than remaining
5:26:13stuck in a survival response, it finds
5:26:16its way back to regulation through
5:26:18flexibility and resilience.
5:26:21What have you already experienced today?
5:26:24Think about the big shifts that took you
5:26:26from state to state and the more nuanced
5:26:29moves that happened within one state.
5:26:32Take a moment to reflect on the
5:26:33autonomic journey that has brought you
5:26:35to this moment in time.
5:26:38As we nourish our nervous system and
5:26:40create more capacity for vententral
5:26:43veagal energy, we react, return to
5:26:46regulation, and reflect on the
5:26:48experience. Try these three steps with a
5:26:51moment from your day. One, react. Bring
5:26:56up a moment that had some intensity for
5:26:58you. Consider how you reacted. Where did
5:27:01your nervous system take you?
5:27:04Two, return to regulation.
5:27:07remember the feeling of coming back to
5:27:09regulation and anchoring there.
5:27:12Three, reflect. Take some time to look
5:27:15back on the experience. What is there to
5:27:17learn from the way your nervous system
5:27:19responded?
5:27:21If we look at resilience through the
5:27:23lens of the autonomic nervous system, we
5:27:26can look at the qualities of frequency,
5:27:28how often we are pulled out of
5:27:30connection into protection.
5:27:32intensity, how strong the survival
5:27:35response is, and duration, how long we
5:27:38are held in sympathetic or dorsal states
5:27:41before we find our way back to
5:27:43vententral regulation.
5:27:45We need to remember that our level of
5:27:47resilience is not stable. It es and
5:27:50flows depending on our physical health,
5:27:52the number of demands we're trying to
5:27:54meet, and the amount of social support
5:27:56and social connection we have.
5:28:00Exploration
5:28:02A continuum of resilience.
5:28:05A resilience continuum is a good way to
5:28:07track our levels of resilience. To
5:28:10create your continuum, you'll need paper
5:28:12and pens or markers. Decide what type of
5:28:15line you want to use. Experiment with
5:28:18vertical lines, horizontal lines, and
5:28:21lines that curve in their own
5:28:23directions.
5:28:25Draw a series of lines to see which one
5:28:27feels right for this exploration.
5:28:31If you have access to markers, choose a
5:28:33color to draw the line for your
5:28:34continuum and then other colors to mark
5:28:37the points along the way.
5:28:40To begin, label the two ends of your
5:28:42resilience continuum. One end is where
5:28:45you feel an absence of resilience and
5:28:48the other end is where you feel an
5:28:49abundance of resilience.
5:28:52For example, these could be no energy
5:28:54and no interest for absence and
5:28:58resilient and ready for abundance. Take
5:29:00a moment to find your words.
5:29:05And now identify several points between
5:29:07the ends. You need enough information to
5:29:10be able to find your place and general
5:29:13level of resilience. So three is
5:29:15probably the minimum number of points
5:29:17needed to track your resilience
5:29:19accurately.
5:29:20You may find more points are easy to
5:29:22identify and useful as you begin to
5:29:25attend. Take some time and name your
5:29:28places.
5:29:31Now find your place on your completed
5:29:34continuum. Where are you today? What is
5:29:37your level of resilience in this moment?
5:29:40Tracking resilience is an ongoing
5:29:42activity. How resilient we feel guides
5:29:45how we respond to the challenges in our
5:29:47daily life. and the number and kinds of
5:29:50challenges and resources in our daily
5:29:53life impact our capacity for resilience.
5:29:56Create a practice of turning to your
5:29:58continuum and checking in. When we know
5:30:01where we are on our resilience
5:30:03continuum, we have a better
5:30:05understanding of why we are thinking,
5:30:07feeling, and acting in certain ways and
5:30:10a guide to taking the next steps in
5:30:12caring for our nervous system.
5:30:16Self-care.
5:30:18For many of us, the concept of self-care
5:30:20is challenging. Practicing self-care is
5:30:23often confused with being selfish. If we
5:30:27look through the lens of the nervous
5:30:28system, self-care is based in vententral
5:30:31veagal safety and connection. While
5:30:34being selfish emerges from a survival
5:30:36state. When we are selfish, we're trying
5:30:40to meet a need that comes from a place
5:30:42of fear. Take a moment to see what your
5:30:45nervous system has to say about
5:30:47self-care practices.
5:30:49Listen to your nervous system and fill
5:30:51in the following sentences.
5:30:54When I'm in my dorsal state of collapse
5:30:56and disconnection, self-care, fill in
5:30:59the blank.
5:31:01When I'm in a state of sympathetic
5:31:03mobilization, self-care fill in the
5:31:06blank.
5:31:07When I'm anchored in a vententral state,
5:31:10self-care fill in the blank.
5:31:13For example, when I'm in a dorsal state,
5:31:16I might say self-care doesn't enter my
5:31:18thoughts or is out of reach. When I'm a
5:31:21sympathetic state, self-care is a waste
5:31:23of time or will get in the way. And when
5:31:26I'm in a vententral state, self-care is
5:31:29an essential ingredient for health and
5:31:31brings me joy.
5:31:34Saying should or shouldn't to ourselves
5:31:36is common when we begin to look at
5:31:38self-care. However, these words transmit
5:31:41a demand, not an invitation, a cue of
5:31:45danger, not a needed and nourishing
5:31:47message. For instance, you should
5:31:50exercise, meditate, and go out with
5:31:53friends. You shouldn't eat junk food,
5:31:55watch so much TV, or spend so much time
5:31:58by yourself. Listen for the times you
5:32:01hear yourself saying should or
5:32:02shouldn't, and stop to notice what state
5:32:05is active and what is underneath that
5:32:07demand.
5:32:09When self-care is guided by the
5:32:10autonomic nervous system, there are two
5:32:13essential questions to consider.
5:32:16What does my nervous system need in this
5:32:18moment? And is what I'm doing nourishing
5:32:22my nervous system?
5:32:24Attending to these two questions is the
5:32:27foundation for creating sustainable
5:32:29autonomically sensitive self-care
5:32:32practices.
5:32:34Self-care emerges from the variety of
5:32:36options found in our vententral system.
5:32:39Rather than being a rigid routine,
5:32:41autonomically informed self-care
5:32:43includes a menu of choices.
5:32:46Some days your autonomic nervous system
5:32:48will be filled with energy with a veagal
5:32:50break that is relaxed to allow energy in
5:32:53and other times you will feel the more
5:32:55restful energies of your vententral
5:32:57system. We need a variety of self-care
5:33:00activities so that each day we have
5:33:03something to engage in that meets our
5:33:06changing needs for autonomic
5:33:07nourishment.
5:33:09Our individual beliefs about self-care
5:33:11are influenced by the people and places
5:33:14that are a part of our daily lives. Do
5:33:17people around you encourage you to
5:33:18practice self-care or do they think
5:33:21self-care is unimportant?
5:33:23Do you live in a place where it's easy
5:33:25to practice self-care? Do you work in a
5:33:28place that encourages self-care?
5:33:31If we're surrounded by people who have a
5:33:33rigid view about what constitutes
5:33:35self-care and live and work in places
5:33:38that don't value self-care, we may find
5:33:41it harder to hear and follow our own
5:33:43needs. When we're surrounded by people
5:33:46who encourage self-care and live and
5:33:48work in places that value self-care, we
5:33:51find it easier to attend to self-care
5:33:54and create practices that nourish our
5:33:56nervous system.
5:33:59Exploration self-care circle.
5:34:03The self-care circle is one way to begin
5:34:06to create your own autonomically
5:34:08informed self-care practice. Draw a
5:34:12circle on a piece of paper and then
5:34:14divide the circle into four quadrants
5:34:16with the lines extending beyond the
5:34:18circle. Use pens or colored markers to
5:34:22label the four quadrants: physical,
5:34:25relational, mental, and spiritual.
5:34:29You'll find an example in the bonus
5:34:31material.
5:34:33The following directions will take you
5:34:35around the circle in a particular order,
5:34:38but you can complete your circle in any
5:34:40order you choose. As you go through the
5:34:43four quadrants, don't worry if some are
5:34:45more filled than others. We often have
5:34:48quadrants with more self-care activities
5:34:50than others. The process for creating
5:34:52your self-care circle is to first work
5:34:55inside the circle, filling in the
5:34:57quadrants with activities you
5:34:58predictably engage in, and then return
5:35:01and work outside the circle, adding
5:35:04activities you'd like to explore in each
5:35:06of the quadrants.
5:35:08Inside the circle, physical.
5:35:12Start with a physical quadrant. On the
5:35:14inside of the quadrant, write the things
5:35:17you predictably do in the physical realm
5:35:19for your self-care.
5:35:21As you consider options, ask yourself if
5:35:24the action is a vententral veagal
5:35:26inspired experience, something that you
5:35:29think you should be doing that has more
5:35:31of a sympathetic need to do it, or a
5:35:34dorsal veagal experience of going
5:35:36through the motions without really
5:35:38caring. As you create your self-care
5:35:41circle, you only want to add activities
5:35:43that truly bring you to a vententral
5:35:46state or deepen your experience there.
5:35:50Inside the circle, relational.
5:35:53Move to the relational quadrant. If
5:35:56you're using markers, choose a different
5:35:58color for this quadrant. And on the
5:36:00inside of the circle, write the things
5:36:02you do with others that are moments of
5:36:04self-care. You might have regular
5:36:07conversations with people, go out with
5:36:09family and friends, or belong to a group
5:36:11and participate in the activities or
5:36:13meetings. In any of your relational
5:36:16experiences, consider if you feel filled
5:36:19while doing them. Invite your nervous
5:36:22system to help you decide what a truly
5:36:24nourishing vententral veagal inspired
5:36:27activity is for you in this relational
5:36:31realm. If you don't feel filled by the
5:36:33action and connection or it doesn't lead
5:36:36you to a vententral state, it doesn't
5:36:38belong in your self-care circle.
5:36:42Inside the circle, mental.
5:36:45Move to the mental quadrant and choose a
5:36:47different colored marker. Think of the
5:36:49things you do to exercise your mind. Do
5:36:52you read? Do you watch certain programs?
5:36:55Do you go to lectures? Do you play
5:36:56games? Reflect on your daily activities
5:37:00and notice which ones are activities of
5:37:02the mind and feel like moments of
5:37:04self-care.
5:37:06Inside the circle, spiritual
5:37:09end with the spiritual quadrant. Choose
5:37:12a new color of marker. With this
5:37:15category, we often think about being
5:37:17connected to something larger than self
5:37:19and finding meaning and purpose in our
5:37:21lives. Look for experiences that take
5:37:24you into a flow of ventagal energy and
5:37:27move you into connection with your own
5:37:29definition of what spirit and
5:37:32spirituality means to you. Add what you
5:37:35find to your self-care circle.
5:37:39Take a moment to see how your self-care
5:37:41circle is beginning to take shape. It's
5:37:44not unusual for the same activities show
5:37:46up in different quadrants.
5:37:49For example, a yoga practice might show
5:37:51up in each of your quadrants, physical
5:37:54in its movement, relational if you do it
5:37:57with others, mental as you exercise your
5:38:00mind in the yoga practice, and spiritual
5:38:03if you feel that connection during your
5:38:05practice. As you look over your circle,
5:38:08notice which quadrants are full and feel
5:38:11nourishing, and which ones are in need
5:38:13of attention.
5:38:16outside the circle. The next step is to
5:38:19explore the outside of the circle.
5:38:22Choose colors you haven't used yet to
5:38:24denote the intention to experiment with
5:38:26something new. Start with a physical
5:38:29quadrant and let your nervous system
5:38:31guide you in thinking about what might
5:38:33be fun to explore.
5:38:35Write what you find on the outside of
5:38:37the circle. I encourage you not to edit
5:38:40what you hear. Just because you put
5:38:42something on the outside of the circle
5:38:44doesn't necessarily mean you're going to
5:38:46follow through, but it lets you know
5:38:48that somewhere inside there's a longing
5:38:51to experiment.
5:38:53Then do the same thing with the
5:38:54relational, mental, and spiritual
5:38:57quadrants. What would you like to
5:38:59explore? What appears? What is your
5:39:01nervous system longing for?
5:39:05Attending to your circle.
5:39:08Once you've completed your self-care
5:39:09circle, look at what's on the inside and
5:39:12notice what you're doing now to nourish
5:39:14your nervous system. Look at the things
5:39:17on the outside you've identified as
5:39:19interesting and you feel invited to try.
5:39:22Quadrants that are full point you toward
5:39:24the ways you are tending to your
5:39:26self-care. You might make an intention
5:39:28to spend time exploring a quadrant that
5:39:30is less filled. When we have things in
5:39:33each of our quadrants that we
5:39:35predictably do, we feel a balance in our
5:39:37self-care activities and reap the
5:39:40benefits of autonomic well-being.
5:39:43The last part of the exercise is to set
5:39:46a time frame for using your self-care
5:39:48circle. It takes a while to settle into
5:39:51building a practice of tending to
5:39:53self-care. 6 months is a common time
5:39:56frame, but you might decide that 3
5:39:58months or even 9 months feels right to
5:40:00you. Write the date you choose on your
5:40:03paper. Keep your self-care circle where
5:40:06you can look at it regularly. Check in
5:40:08with what's on the inside and experiment
5:40:11with what's on the outside. Your
5:40:13self-care practice is an ongoing
5:40:16unfolding work in progress. Listen to
5:40:19your nervous system. Tend to what is
5:40:22nourishing and follow what you're
5:40:23curious about. This is not a static
5:40:26activity. Your self-care circle reflects
5:40:29your changing needs and changing
5:40:32practices. When you reach the date
5:40:34you've chosen, do this practice again.
5:40:37See what has changed and create your
5:40:39next self-care circle.
5:40:44Offering regulating energy to others.
5:40:48When we nourish our nervous system and
5:40:50can anchor in ventral energy, we
5:40:52experience well-being.
5:40:54Even though we get pulled out of
5:40:56regulation into sympathetic and dorsal
5:40:58veagal energies, we know the way home.
5:41:02When we inhabit that place of regulation
5:41:05and navigate our days guided by our
5:41:07vententral veagal system, we not only
5:41:10experience the benefits of well-being,
5:41:12but can offer our regulating energy to
5:41:15the people around us. From our anchor in
5:41:18vententral energy, we feel the benefits
5:41:20of our own regulation and are moved to
5:41:23reach out. We take on the responsibility
5:41:27for being a regulating influence for
5:41:29others, not as a burden we carry, but as
5:41:32a blessing we can share.
5:41:35Exploration coming into connection.
5:41:39When we reach out with an offer of
5:41:41connection, we tune into the autonomic
5:41:44conversations that are happening between
5:41:46systems.
5:41:48Take a moment and think about someone
5:41:50close to you. Look at them through the
5:41:52lens of the autonomic nervous system.
5:41:55How autonomically regulated or
5:41:58disregulated are they? Are they feeling
5:42:00the safety of connection? Or are they
5:42:03caught in a pattern of protection?
5:42:06Take a moment and see if you can sense
5:42:08their system.
5:42:10Bring some curiosity to what their
5:42:12nervous system might need to help them
5:42:14come back into the safety of their own
5:42:17vententral veagal state. How might your
5:42:19regulating presence be helpful?
5:42:23We know that the nervous system is
5:42:24exquisitly sensitive to the difference
5:42:27between an invitation and a request.
5:42:30Language is one of the ways we feel that
5:42:32difference. We can be moved into a
5:42:35survival response when we hear phrases
5:42:37like you should or you need to or even
5:42:40it would be good for you to. I'm with
5:42:44you may feel like an invitation to
5:42:46connection while I'm here for you may
5:42:49bring a sense of distance.
5:42:51Experiment with words that bring up a
5:42:53survival response and words that invite
5:42:56connection.
5:42:58When we are moved to reach out and offer
5:43:00co-regulation,
5:43:02sometimes the choice is to simply be
5:43:04there with another person and other
5:43:07times a more active way of connecting is
5:43:09needed. The communication between two
5:43:12nervous systems is where we go to find
5:43:15the information to guide our choice.
5:43:18Anchor in the vententral system and be
5:43:20curious about what another nervous
5:43:22system needs.
5:43:24Experiment with ways of offering
5:43:26connection until you find the response
5:43:28that sends cues of safety and an
5:43:31invitation to connect.
5:43:34The state of the world often seems
5:43:36overwhelmingly disregulated
5:43:39and we can be quickly pulled into an
5:43:41adaptive survival state of sympathetic
5:43:43fight and flight or dorsal veagal
5:43:46disconnect and give up. We see this in
5:43:49the responses of the people around us to
5:43:51what's happening in our world. And yet
5:43:54to change the world, to find a way to
5:43:57safety and connection where
5:43:59possibilities emerge, we need vententral
5:44:02energy to light the way. This piece from
5:44:05the poem Startled by Earth by my friend
5:44:08and poet Gary Whiteheaded speaks to me
5:44:11about the energy of vententral.
5:44:13Fresh lit on an early morning, a candle
5:44:17flame offers a voice so clear, so
5:44:20yellow, so inviting that I listen.
5:44:25As we come to the end of this chapter,
5:44:27return once more to a practice of
5:44:29self-care.
5:44:31Find the way to your vententral home.
5:44:35Take your time as you travel that
5:44:37familiar pathway.
5:44:39Take in the sights, the sounds, and the
5:44:42sensations along the way.
5:44:46Invite your autonomic nervous system to
5:44:48show you the ways it's being nourished
5:44:51and what it's longing for.
5:44:5512. Creating community.
5:45:00When we try to pick out anything by
5:45:02itself, we find it hitched to everything
5:45:05else in the universe. John Mure.
5:45:10The science of safety and connection is
5:45:12growing each day and our understanding
5:45:15of how the nervous system works
5:45:17continues to deepen.
5:45:19While learning about the nervous system
5:45:21can at times feel very scientific,
5:45:24understanding our biology actually opens
5:45:27us up to the mystery and magic of life.
5:45:30When we are anchored in vententral
5:45:32regulation, there is a feeling of
5:45:34abundance.
5:45:36We have a sense of being connected to
5:45:38other humans and to the world in a way
5:45:41that is miraculous.
5:45:43We come to that place of grace in part
5:45:46by understanding the science that shows
5:45:49us the way to anchor in our home and
5:45:51vententral.
5:45:54The nervous system with its everchanging
5:45:56flow of energy that brings us the many
5:45:58flavors of a state and moves us from
5:46:00state to state offers an invitation to
5:46:03go on an autonomic adventure.
5:46:06When we have the ability to befriend,
5:46:09anchor in ventral energy and be with our
5:46:12experiences, we listen with interest to
5:46:15the messages our nervous system sends
5:46:17and are curious about where they might
5:46:19take us.
5:46:21The stronger our anchor in regulation,
5:46:23the more opportunities we have to take
5:46:25in the moments of grace, awe, and beauty
5:46:29that we might otherwise miss.
5:46:31With every heartbeat, with every breath,
5:46:35and in every interaction, our nervous
5:46:38system is shaping our lives and guiding
5:46:40our experiences.
5:46:42When we befriend our system and attend
5:46:45to our needs to be nourished, we bring a
5:46:47vententral veagal inspired presence as
5:46:50we move through the world.
5:46:53Profound changes can happen when we are
5:46:56anchored in ventral regulation and begin
5:46:58to live from that place where there is a
5:47:01sense of trust.
5:47:03We move through the world willing to
5:47:05take a risk with the belief that when we
5:47:08take a leap, we will find a safe
5:47:10landing. When we live from sympathetic
5:47:13mobilization, we don't believe in
5:47:15ourselves or trust that the world will
5:47:18support us in making a change. And when
5:47:21we are in dorsal collapse, we can't even
5:47:23imagine the possibility.
5:47:26When we're in either of these states,
5:47:28we're stuck in a story that is created
5:47:30in our pathways of protection.
5:47:33It's only when we see the world through
5:47:35the eyes of vententral connection that
5:47:37we are able to begin to make different
5:47:39choices about important parts of our
5:47:42lives.
5:47:43As we find our way to anchoring and
5:47:45vententral regulation, we begin to
5:47:48experience more physical well-being.
5:47:51With a regulated nervous system, moments
5:47:53of well-being magnify, and some of the
5:47:56old aches and pains and chronic
5:47:58conditions we've lived with begin to
5:48:00change. When we feel an increase in
5:48:03physical well-being, we begin to engage
5:48:06with people and connect with the world
5:48:08in new ways.
5:48:10Often we first notice simple things like
5:48:13enjoying a meal or having a friendly
5:48:15conversation.
5:48:17Then from this place of paying attention
5:48:19to the small changes that are happening,
5:48:22we begin to notice other more
5:48:24consequential ways our work to anchor in
5:48:27vententral regulation is making a
5:48:29difference.
5:48:30We are able to stand up for what we
5:48:32believe in and ask for what we need from
5:48:35a place of regulation rather than from a
5:48:37state of protection.
5:48:39We look at the world with compassion and
5:48:42connect with curiosity.
5:48:44We stay out of a story of judgment and
5:48:46understand the people around us not by a
5:48:49label that describes their behaviors but
5:48:52by remembering they are in a state of
5:48:54disregulation. Our interactions with
5:48:57others are guided by the question, what
5:49:00does their nervous system need in this
5:49:02moment to feel safe.
5:49:05Pathways to change.
5:49:08In the business world, companies create
5:49:10product launch plans to identify the
5:49:13sequence of events that will lead to the
5:49:15successful marketing of a new product.
5:49:18In the world of autonomic reshaping, we
5:49:21can create a plan to support
5:49:22successfully engaging with our personal
5:49:25change process. Think of this as your
5:49:28blueprint to launching a newly shaped
5:49:30nervous system.
5:49:33Exploration nervous system launch plan.
5:49:38When we write our launch plan, we begin
5:49:40with a wish. What is it we want to
5:49:42invite in? What leap are we wanting to
5:49:45make?
5:49:46Then we add intention, imagery, writing,
5:49:50and social support to guide our wish
5:49:52into being. The following steps to
5:49:55creating your personal launch plan
5:49:57enlist your autonomic nervous system as
5:49:59an ally.
5:50:01Rather than relying on our brains to
5:50:03lead the way and risk the battle between
5:50:06cognition and capacity, when we invite
5:50:09our nervous system into the process, we
5:50:11ensure that our autonomic state will
5:50:13create the platform needed to support
5:50:16our making the leap and safely landing.
5:50:20Follow these four steps to creating your
5:50:23personal launch plan. One, set the
5:50:27intention.
5:50:28Write your intention. Play with the
5:50:31words and create a statement that
5:50:32catches your interest. Read your
5:50:35statement to yourself and say it out
5:50:37loud. Remember how your nervous system
5:50:40says yes and change the words in any way
5:50:43needed so your system feels fully
5:50:45invested.
5:50:48Two, create an image. Seeing is
5:50:51believing. Imagery is a thought with
5:50:54sensory qualities. Create a richly
5:50:57detailed picture engaging all of your
5:50:59senses. The following three methods of
5:51:02visualization invite you to see the
5:51:04outcome, the steps, and the challenging
5:51:07places along the way. Explore each and
5:51:10enlist the nervous system in
5:51:12successfully bringing your intention to
5:51:15life.
5:51:17Outcome visualization.
5:51:20Visualizing reaching your goal brings a
5:51:22sense of accomplishment.
5:51:24Outcome visualization engages the
5:51:27vententral vagus in savoring an
5:51:29experience of success.
5:51:32Process visualization.
5:51:35Process visualization gets you from here
5:51:38to there, staying anchored in ventral
5:51:41regulation. Travel the path and see each
5:51:44step along the way.
5:51:47Critical visualization.
5:51:49What are the challenges you'll have to
5:51:51navigate? Feel the places where your
5:51:53autonomic nervous system is challenged
5:51:55and where you may need to pay more
5:51:57attention to bringing regulating
5:52:00resources.
5:52:02Three, write your plan. Bring your
5:52:06intention and visualizations into
5:52:08concrete form. Write your plan in a
5:52:11format that is clear and easy to follow.
5:52:14You might choose to use an outline,
5:52:16write in paragraphs, or illustrate your
5:52:18plan with words and images. Let your
5:52:21autonomic nervous system show you the
5:52:23format that will help you follow your
5:52:25plan.
5:52:28Four, share your plan, remembering that
5:52:31the nervous system looks for and longs
5:52:33for connection with others. Find someone
5:52:36you want to share your plan with. If you
5:52:39have created a micro community described
5:52:41later in this chapter, share your plan
5:52:44there. What does it feel like to tell
5:52:46your plan to someone else? Track your
5:52:49autonomic response. Are you anchored in
5:52:52the vententral state? As you share your
5:52:55plan, are you finding ways you want to
5:52:57change it? Adjust your plan in any way
5:53:00you need to make it a plan that keeps
5:53:02you on the stretch side of the stretch
5:53:04to stress continuum.
5:53:07If the leap you are working on involves
5:53:09an identifiable midway point, it's good
5:53:12to recognize that place in your launch
5:53:14planning.
5:53:16While in our work with continuums, we
5:53:19use midpoints to track the ongoing
5:53:21movement back and forth between two
5:53:23places with a launch plan. The midpoint
5:53:26presents a before and after experience.
5:53:30This is the moment when we realize the
5:53:32next step will take us out of the old
5:53:35and into the new. I recently had the
5:53:38experience of coming to a midpoint and
5:53:40sensing the enormity of that moment. I
5:53:43realized it was my last chance to turn
5:53:46back. The next action would be the
5:53:48turning point. And in order to find my
5:53:51way across the midpoint, I had to go
5:53:53back to read my intention and review my
5:53:56written plan to find the reassurance I
5:53:59needed to take the next step. The power
5:54:02of that moment took me by surprise and
5:54:04was a reminder of the importance of
5:54:06attending to midpoints.
5:54:09There are two places in your launch plan
5:54:11where you can look to add a midway
5:54:13point. One in the process visualization
5:54:17as one of the steps along the way and
5:54:19two in step three when you write your
5:54:22plan right about crossing the midpoint.
5:54:26Autonomic conversations.
5:54:29Deep listening emerges from a place of
5:54:32vententral safety and regulation where
5:54:34our sole intention is to be present and
5:54:36connect. nervous system to nervous
5:54:39system. When we listen without an
5:54:41agenda, without already thinking about
5:54:44how we are going to respond or even how
5:54:46we are going to help, we offer someone
5:54:49the longed for and often missing
5:54:52experience of being welcomed, seen, and
5:54:55listened to. We can't enter into this
5:54:58connection and be a witness unless we're
5:55:01anchored in vententral safety. And we
5:55:03don't feel witnessed unless we're with
5:55:05someone who offers that vententral
5:55:07experience to us. To be held in the
5:55:10presence of another is a powerful gift.
5:55:14Gary White had shared with me these
5:55:16thoughts about the experience of deep
5:55:18listening.
5:55:21Listening when it opens and we're
5:55:23feeling safe enough leads toward
5:55:26connection with other people. But it
5:55:29doesn't stop there. It is also the
5:55:32vehicle and the medium for connecting
5:55:34with everything around us.
5:55:37When our listening truly becomes
5:55:39reciprocal, we respond back and forth
5:55:42through call and response within the
5:55:45immense interconnected web we call the
5:55:47universe that surrounds us and holds us
5:55:51always.
5:55:52Our listening opens through numerous
5:55:55portals.
5:55:56We think of it commonly as an auditory
5:55:59phenomenon.
5:56:00Yet it passes through other portals as
5:56:03well. We listen with our ears, yes, but
5:56:06we also listen with our eyes, our minds,
5:56:09our hearts, our touch, and upstream from
5:56:13all sensations and perceptions, we
5:56:15listen with our autonomic nervous
5:56:17system.
5:56:19Gary's words are a lovely reminder that
5:56:22at its core, listening is an autonomic
5:56:25experience. To truly listen, we have to
5:56:28be open to connection and feel safe
5:56:31enough to enter into that vulnerable
5:56:33space.
5:56:34Deep listening is only possible when we
5:56:37are anchored in vententral safety.
5:56:40When we know our vententral home and how
5:56:43it feels in all of its manifestations,
5:56:46we can recognize when we're not at home.
5:56:49In order to find our way to listening,
5:56:51we need to be mindful of the moments
5:56:54when we are not in a place of safety and
5:56:56regulation.
5:56:58It's often easy to recognize a state of
5:57:00sympathetic mobilization by the way we
5:57:03feel it in our bodies, the way the
5:57:05energy is felt in the world and the
5:57:07responses of the people around us.
5:57:10Dorsal disconnect is a little more
5:57:12challenging because rather than being
5:57:14big and taking up space, we disappear,
5:57:18become invisible, and are often
5:57:20overlooked as we move through the world.
5:57:23The explorations in the previous
5:57:25chapters help us recognize when we are
5:57:28home in vententral regulation, notice
5:57:30when we leave home, and help us find our
5:57:33way back to anchor in the state of
5:57:35presence necessary to deeply listen.
5:57:39The nervous system is a sending and
5:57:41receiving hub for information that helps
5:57:44us safely navigate our daily lives. It
5:57:47is at work moment to moment, not only
5:57:50inside our own individual systems, but
5:57:53in connection with the nervous systems
5:57:55around us.
5:57:57This autonomic conversation is happening
5:57:59within ourselves and between ourselves
5:58:02and others, ourselves in the
5:58:04environment, and ourselves in spirit.
5:58:07In every moment we are transmitting and
5:58:10taking in energy and information.
5:58:13Whether or not we are intentionally
5:58:15connecting with the people around us, we
5:58:18are having an autonomic conversation.
5:58:21As we begin to understand the ways our
5:58:23nervous system impacts the people around
5:58:25us and the places we inhabit, we become
5:58:29aware of our responsibility for the ways
5:58:32we are moving through the world.
5:58:34Whether in our work world or in our
5:58:36personal lives, the formula is the same.
5:58:40Connection begins with a neurosception
5:58:42of safety. From an anchor in vententral,
5:58:46we are a welcoming safe presence for the
5:58:48people around us. Other nervous systems
5:58:51feel the energy of safety we are sending
5:58:54and receive an invitation to come into
5:58:56connection.
5:58:58Navigating from a state of protection,
5:59:00we send messages of danger and other
5:59:03nervous systems heed the warning. It's
5:59:06empowering and also humbling to know
5:59:08that in every moment we are sending and
5:59:11receiving autonomic cues of welcome or
5:59:14warning. When we stop and think about
5:59:16the ways our nervous system is
5:59:18communicating, we understand the
5:59:21importance of attending to the autonomic
5:59:23information we are sending out into the
5:59:26world.
5:59:28Moments of missing, making repairs.
5:59:32Healthy, nourishing relationships are
5:59:34naturally filled with moments of
5:59:37missing. When we or the people around us
5:59:40move out of regulation, misatunement and
5:59:43disconnection happen.
5:59:45These ruptures are a normal and expected
5:59:48part of our relationships. And when they
5:59:50are noticed, named and repaired, they
5:59:53form a foundation for strong and
5:59:55resilient connections.
5:59:57While we know that rupture repair is a
6:00:00formula for building healthy
6:00:01relationships, we are not always
6:00:03skillful in the process. To mend our
6:00:07moments of missing, we need to notice
6:00:09the rupture, name it with the other
6:00:11person, and then find the right repair.
6:00:16Exploration, rupture, and repair.
6:00:19When ruptures go unnoticed and unnamed,
6:00:22they linger below the surface of
6:00:24awareness, shaping our relationship
6:00:26stories.
6:00:28To bring these implicit experiences into
6:00:31explicit awareness, we need to know how
6:00:33our nervous system sends a signal that
6:00:36there has been a rupture.
6:00:38Begin to tune into that by remembering a
6:00:41rupture that was so big it couldn't go
6:00:44unnoticed.
6:00:45How did your nervous system let you
6:00:47know?
6:00:48Then move to a smaller rupture and
6:00:51notice the signals.
6:00:53And finally, reflect on a slight
6:00:55misatunement and see how your nervous
6:00:58system conveyed that more subtle
6:01:00message.
6:01:02Now that you know the signs of rupture,
6:01:04think about a relationship you feel
6:01:06ambivalent about or a person in your
6:01:08life you have a difficult connection
6:01:10with. Are there ruptures that have
6:01:13happened and haven't been recognized?
6:01:17If we notice a rupture but don't name it
6:01:19with the other person, the experience
6:01:21remains unspoken, coloring our story and
6:01:25impacting our relationship.
6:01:27When we get the message of misatunement
6:01:29and don't share it, it sits in our
6:01:32system where it is unavailable for
6:01:34repair and reconnection.
6:01:38When we notice a rupture, name it, and
6:01:40share it with someone, but don't take
6:01:42the final step of making the repair, we
6:01:45are left feeling the pain of the moment.
6:01:48When we only engage in the first parts
6:01:50of the process, we stay disconnected and
6:01:53feel unseen or unheard.
6:01:56It's when we complete the steps of
6:01:57noticing and naming the rupture and then
6:02:00making the repair that we strengthen the
6:02:02relationship.
6:02:05The path to repair is guided by our
6:02:07nervous system. So making a repair can
6:02:10take many forms. Finding the repair that
6:02:13mends the rupture is a process of
6:02:15listening and offering and staying in
6:02:18the process until there is a sense of
6:02:21reconnection.
6:02:22Sometimes a heartfelt I'm sorry is just
6:02:26right while other times it's not words
6:02:28but actions that are needed. We may need
6:02:31to engage in a discussion and make a
6:02:33plan to do things differently or we may
6:02:36simply need an acknowledgment of
6:02:38responsibility and an intention to
6:02:40change. There is no one way to make a
6:02:44repair. There is only the way our
6:02:46nervous system says is the right repair
6:02:48for this rupture.
6:02:51While it's important to bring awareness
6:02:52to the moment of missing and find the
6:02:55way back into connection, noticing,
6:02:58naming, and repairing don't always
6:03:00happen at the same time. We can notice a
6:03:03name. It feels like we just moved out of
6:03:06connection. And then if we're ready, we
6:03:09can make the repair. We can only make a
6:03:12repair from an anchor and vententral
6:03:14connection. So we may not be regulated
6:03:17enough in the moment of noticing to
6:03:19offer the repair. In those moments, we
6:03:22can name the rupture, let the other
6:03:25person know that we're not feeling
6:03:27enough regulation to engage in the next
6:03:29step toward repair, and make a
6:03:32commitment to returning when we are. At
6:03:35other times, we're ready to begin the
6:03:37repair, but the person on the other end
6:03:39isn't autonomically available to receive
6:03:42the offer. In those moments, we can let
6:03:45the other person know we recognize there
6:03:47has been a rupture and we're available
6:03:50to explore repair when they feel ready.
6:03:54When we hold moments of missing in our
6:03:56nervous system, they color our
6:03:58connections and the stories that are
6:04:00created often travel with us from
6:04:03relationship to relationship.
6:04:05The lessons of rupture and repair we
6:04:07learn in one relationship are
6:04:09autonomically and often automatically
6:04:12transferred to other relationships.
6:04:15Sometimes the lessons are attached to a
6:04:17certain category parents, siblings,
6:04:21friends, and colleagues. And other times
6:04:24the lessons are generalized to all
6:04:26relationships.
6:04:28Not only are our relationships impacted
6:04:31in these ways, but when not attended to,
6:04:34the lessons we take in from ruptures
6:04:36that are unrepaired are often passed
6:04:39from generation to generation.
6:04:42My parents autonomic expectations around
6:04:44ruptures in relationships affect the way
6:04:47they engage with others. And those
6:04:50relationship rules are implicitly passed
6:04:53on to me.
6:04:55Along with these moments of
6:04:56person-toperson connection,
6:04:59disconnection and reconnection, we are
6:05:01also continuously engaged in the
6:05:04universal autonomic conversations that
6:05:07naturally occur as we go through our
6:05:09days. When we are anchored in vententral
6:05:12regulation, we send that energy out into
6:05:14the world in our connections with the
6:05:17people we live with and love, the people
6:05:20we work with, the people in our
6:05:22communities, and the people we simply
6:05:24pass by during the day. Our regulated
6:05:27energy has a profound effect.
6:05:31On the days we're not anchored in
6:05:33vententral safety, as we move through
6:05:35the world, we broadcast cues of danger.
6:05:38If we're in a sympathetically fueled
6:05:40state of anger or anxiety or a dorsal
6:05:43flavor of just going through the motions
6:05:45but not really being present, the people
6:05:48around us will feel that and have an
6:05:50autonomic response of their own.
6:05:53As we move through the eb and flow of
6:05:56regulation, we send messages of welcome
6:05:58or warning out into the world. Even in
6:06:02the moments of casual contact with
6:06:04people during the course of our day,
6:06:06small ruptures happen as our energy of
6:06:09protection is felt.
6:06:11While we can't go back and reconnect
6:06:13with the people we simply passed by in
6:06:16the course of the day and make a repair,
6:06:18the repair we can offer is to notice
6:06:21when we are moving through the day from
6:06:23our home and vententral regulation and
6:06:26bring awareness to intentionally sending
6:06:29out that energy. Rather than a direct
6:06:32persontoperson repair, this is a global
6:06:35offer of safety and connection.
6:06:37Just as our disregulation sends cues of
6:06:40danger and may start a cascade of other
6:06:43nervous systems moving into protection,
6:06:45so can our being anchored in regulation
6:06:48be enough of a cue to invite other
6:06:50nervous systems to find their way to
6:06:53connection.
6:06:55Communities of connection.
6:06:58Our nervous system looks for and longs
6:07:01for connection.
6:07:03Throughout our lives, we search for
6:07:05opportunities to co-regulate.
6:07:08We receive great physical and
6:07:10psychological benefits from befriending
6:07:12our nervous system and learning to
6:07:14anchor in regulation. And when we share
6:07:17our experiences with others, the
6:07:19benefits magnify.
6:07:22To support our autonomic movement toward
6:07:24well-being, it's helpful to have people
6:07:26in our lives who are willing to share
6:07:29the journey with us. A good place to
6:07:32begin is with a poly vagal partner.
6:07:35Find someone who is curious and wants to
6:07:37explore with you.
6:07:40Look for someone who will help you see
6:07:42what's changing and hear your new
6:07:44stories and who wants you to help them
6:07:47see how they are shaping new pathways as
6:07:49well.
6:07:51Inviting someone to be a poly veagal
6:07:53partner is an opportunity to share what
6:07:55you've learned about your nervous system
6:07:58and help a friend begin to befriend
6:08:00their nervous system.
6:08:02You can share the experience of seeing
6:08:04the world through the lens of the
6:08:06nervous system and listen to each
6:08:08other's autonomic stories.
6:08:10Within this polyvagal partnership, there
6:08:13is an invitation to experience deep
6:08:15listening and the intimacy that emerges
6:08:19from this way of being in connection.
6:08:22In addition to having a polyagal partner
6:08:25to accompany us in this process, we
6:08:28benefit from creating a micro community.
6:08:31Our micro community is a group of people
6:08:35we intentionally bring together to
6:08:37support us on our reshaping and
6:08:39restoring journey. These are people we
6:08:43can count on to bring us a vententral
6:08:44welcome, who know our patterns, and will
6:08:48celebrate our successes, savor with us
6:08:51when a pattern begins to change, and
6:08:53help us recognize when we are stuck in a
6:08:55pattern of protection.
6:08:58They offer the encouragement we need in
6:09:00just the ways we need it to keep us
6:09:02moving forward. To do this, the people
6:09:06in our micro communities need to have a
6:09:08basic understanding of how the nervous
6:09:10system works and know the particular
6:09:13patterns of connection and protection
6:09:16our nervous system uses to help us
6:09:17navigate our daily lives.
6:09:21Exploration. Creating a micro community.
6:09:25gathering people
6:09:28to begin to create your micro community.
6:09:30Consider these questions.
6:09:33When you think about the people in your
6:09:35life, who would you like to invite to
6:09:37become a part of your micro community?
6:09:41What are the qualities they bring that
6:09:43you feel are important to support your
6:09:45ability to stay anchored in safety as
6:09:48you reshape and restory?
6:09:52Do they already speak the language of
6:09:54the nervous system or do you need to
6:09:56teach them?
6:09:58What have you learned about your
6:10:00autonomic pathways that you can share
6:10:02with them?
6:10:04What are the signs you want them to know
6:10:06so they can recognize when you have
6:10:08traveled to your home away from home?
6:10:13Creating the structure.
6:10:16Once your micro community is gathered,
6:10:19the next step is to create the structure
6:10:21for engaging with your community
6:10:23members. A micro community meets our
6:10:26autonomic need for connection and can be
6:10:29utilized in a myriad of ways.
6:10:32Listen to your nervous system and create
6:10:35a plan to engage with the people in your
6:10:38micro community to gather the support
6:10:40you need to explore new autonomic
6:10:43pathways and embody new stories.
6:10:47There is no one way to structure these
6:10:49connections. The right way is the way
6:10:52you create to connect with the people in
6:10:54your micro community that encourages you
6:10:57to stretch but not stress your system.
6:11:01You can use your stretch to stress
6:11:03continuum from chapter 8 to guide your
6:11:05choices.
6:11:07Your micro community is there to bring
6:11:09the right degree of challenge so that
6:11:11you feel encouraged to keep taking leaps
6:11:14knowing there will be support for your
6:11:16landings.
6:11:17To create a structure for your micro
6:11:19community, consider the following
6:11:22questions.
6:11:23What are your preferred ways of
6:11:25connecting? When are emails or messages
6:11:28just right? And when do you want to hear
6:11:30someone's voice and see their face?
6:11:34Which ways of connecting feel organized
6:11:36and nourishing and which ones feel too
6:11:38structured and confining?
6:11:41How often do you want to check in with
6:11:43your micro community?
6:11:45Share what you've learned with the
6:11:47members of your micro community.
6:11:51Bring your community to life
6:11:55with the people you choose to rely on in
6:11:57place and what you now know is necessary
6:12:00for you to safely connect. Bring your
6:12:03micro community to life. There are many
6:12:06ways to launch a micro community. You
6:12:09might want a celebration to mark the
6:12:11beginning or a quiet moment to
6:12:13acknowledge the process and appreciate
6:12:15the people. Take time to turn inward.
6:12:19Listen and find the way that feels just
6:12:21right to you.
6:12:24We connect with one another not just for
6:12:26individual well-being, but for the
6:12:29well-being of our human family.
6:12:32Remembering that the nervous system is a
6:12:34common denominator in our human
6:12:36experience and that we are all traveling
6:12:39on the same autonomic highway helps
6:12:42bridge our differences and bring us
6:12:43together. The word ubuntu is part of the
6:12:47zulu phrase umu gumu gabantu which means
6:12:54a person is a person through other
6:12:56people. It's often translated to mean I
6:12:59am because we are. Looking through the
6:13:03lens of the nervous system, we feel the
6:13:05wisdom of abuntu in the ways we are
6:13:08wired for connection.
6:13:10As we end our exploration of communities
6:13:13of connection, we can look to the forest
6:13:16for inspiration.
6:13:18Trees show us the necessity of
6:13:20connection for survival through what has
6:13:22been called the nervous system of the
6:13:24forest.
6:13:25We have learned how a tree intertwines
6:13:28its roots with another tree and connects
6:13:31to neighboring trees through underground
6:13:33fungal networks of these shared root
6:13:36systems, creating support networks. Like
6:13:39us, trees thrive with community. A
6:13:43single tree is connected beneath the
6:13:45ground to the trees around it. Two trees
6:13:48intertwine their roots and grow together
6:13:51and groves of trees join and reach
6:13:54toward the sky.
6:13:56Come into awareness of the ways you are
6:13:58in community. You can stand alone and
6:14:01know you are connected to others. Engage
6:14:04in the reciprocity of a polyagal
6:14:07partnership and join with your micro
6:14:10community.
6:14:12Savor the ways each of these connections
6:14:14nourishes you.
6:14:18Conclusion
6:14:20to finish the moment to find the
6:14:23journey's end in every step of the road
6:14:26to live the greatest number of good
6:14:28hours is wisdom.
6:14:31Ralph Waldo Emerson essays lectures and
6:14:35orations.
6:14:37Looking through the eyes of the
6:14:39autonomic nervous system, we see a world
6:14:42of both. hand.
6:14:44When we know how our nervous system is
6:14:46organized, we can both let go of shame
6:14:49and blame and become responsible for the
6:14:52ways we navigate daily living. We are
6:14:55both able to move out of connection into
6:14:58protection and find our way home to
6:15:01vententral safety. Rather than feeling
6:15:04trapped in a survival state with limited
6:15:06choices, we have access to curiosity,
6:15:10compassion, and self-compassion. And
6:15:12daily living takes on a sense of
6:15:14expansion and possibility.
6:15:18We know vententral veagal energy is the
6:15:20essential ingredient for well-being. And
6:15:23when there is enough vententral energy
6:15:25alive and active in our system, we can
6:15:27find our way to safety and connection.
6:15:31Vententral energy is accessible
6:15:33individually within our own systems and
6:15:36in community as we connect with others.
6:15:40Sometimes we find our way home to
6:15:41vententral safety with self-regulating
6:15:44moments and other times we need another
6:15:47person to help us find our anchor.
6:15:50With a menu to choose from, we can reach
6:15:53for the right resource in the moment.
6:15:56Each time we find our way, we deepen the
6:15:59pathways of connection.
6:16:01We are on a quest to become active
6:16:04operators of our nervous system and
6:16:06skillful at anchoring in vententral
6:16:08regulation.
6:16:10Our nervous system is shaped and
6:16:12reshaped in every moment. The field of
6:16:15human social genomics is beginning to
6:16:18show us how the way we perceive our
6:16:20world impacts our genetic makeup. The
6:16:23cues of safety and danger that we take
6:16:26in through our neurosception shape our
6:16:28biology.
6:16:30Our nervous system is engaged in ongoing
6:16:32conversations with others and with the
6:16:35world around us. And those conversations
6:16:38influence our sense of safety and
6:16:39well-being. With every breath, our
6:16:42veagal break is at work. When I stop and
6:16:45consider the energies that are moving
6:16:48beneath the surface of awareness and how
6:16:50they shape my daily experience, I am
6:16:53filled with wonder.
6:16:55Our journey is one of anchoring in so we
6:16:58can look out in a new way. Our
6:17:01exploration is about our history and how
6:17:04our nervous system responds to our
6:17:06experiences.
6:17:08Seeing the world through the lens of the
6:17:10nervous system is a different way to
6:17:12navigate daily living and is often
6:17:14easier to explore with the companionship
6:17:16of others. As we embrace our biological
6:17:20longing for connection and build a
6:17:23community that speaks the language of
6:17:24the nervous system, we resource our own
6:17:28capacity to navigate in this new way and
6:17:31support others as they explore anchoring
6:17:33in and looking out.
6:17:36returning one final time to recognize
6:17:39the power of both. And when we learn to
6:17:42be responsible for our own regulation
6:17:45and travel the autonomic pathways of
6:17:47connection, we are both shaping our own
6:17:50pathways and shaping the pathways in our
6:17:53global community. It is in the
6:17:55experience of finding our way to being
6:17:58anchored in vententral safety and
6:18:00offering that welcome to others that we
6:18:03begin to change the world. one nervous
6:18:06system at a time.
6:18:10Acknowledgements.
6:18:12I've always been curious about the ways
6:18:14our bodies and our brains work, both in
6:18:17my clinical work, helping people find
6:18:19their way back to safety following
6:18:22traumatic experiences, and in finding my
6:18:25own way through the challenges of life.
6:18:28I have a deep desire to understand how
6:18:30we humans are put together. And while I
6:18:33studied neuroscience and even spent time
6:18:36in a hisystologology lab seeing how the
6:18:38human brain is constructed, discovering
6:18:41poly veagal theory changed the work I do
6:18:44and how I understand myself and move
6:18:46through the world. I've had the good
6:18:49fortune to learn from and collaborate
6:18:51with Steven Porges and he and I have
6:18:53formed a deep friendship. Steve's
6:18:56brilliant mind and generous spirit are a
6:18:58rare combination and his presence in my
6:19:01life is a gift.
6:19:03Writing Anchorage was a step out of my
6:19:06familiar clinical world and quickly
6:19:08became a both and experience. Both a joy
6:19:12to write for my fellow curious human
6:19:14beings and a challenge to find the
6:19:16words.
6:19:18There were times when I felt like I was
6:19:20talking to a friend and the writing
6:19:22flowed. and other times when no matter
6:19:25how hard I tried, words eluded me. In
6:19:28the moments when writing became too big
6:19:30a challenge and I despared of finding
6:19:33the words, people predictably showed up
6:19:36to offer me a vententral veagal
6:19:38lifeline. During the many months of
6:19:40working on this project, I have been
6:19:42reminded over and over that while I
6:19:45write in solitude, I am held in a
6:19:48network of wise and wonderful people.
6:19:51I am grateful for my group of colleagues
6:19:53who are my sounding board and whose
6:19:55clinical wisdom helped shape my writing
6:19:58and for my friends who entrusted me with
6:20:00their stories that help bring the
6:20:03explorations to life. I want to say a
6:20:06special thank you to my friend Gary
6:20:08Whitehead for sharing his beautiful work
6:20:11and to Anastasia Pelisu and Caroline
6:20:14Pinkis at Sounds True, who were there to
6:20:17offer support when this project
6:20:19stretched my system. As always, much
6:20:22love to my husband Bob, who has been by
6:20:25my side in all my writing adventures and
6:20:28reminds me I know the way to my
6:20:30vententral home.
6:20:32Woven into anchored is my hope that
6:20:35befriending the nervous system will
6:20:37become a routine part of life and the
6:20:40language of polyagal theory will be
6:20:42spoken in homes everywhere.
6:20:45With deep appreciation for joining me on
6:20:47this vententral veagal inspired
6:20:49adventure, I'm sending a glimmer to
6:20:52light your way.

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