Alex Jones: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO) — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:04We're gonna talk about the media,
2. 0:06specifically, one increasingly influential member of it,
3. 0:08Alex Jones,
4. 0:10the Walter Cronkite of shrieking batshit gorilla clowns.
5. 0:13(CROWD LAUGHING)
6. 0:14And I know you may be thinking,
7. 0:15there is nothing more I need to know about Alex Jones.
8. 0:18Because you've probably seen crazy clips like this.
9. 0:21ALEX JONES: What do you think tap water is?
10. 0:22It's a gay bomb, baby.
11. 0:24And I'm not saying people didn't naturally
12. 0:26have homosexual feelings. I'm not even getting into it.
13. 0:29You think I-- (GUFFAWS) I'm like shocked by it,
14. 0:31so I'm up here bashing it because I don't like gay people?
15. 0:34(YELLS) I don't like 'em putting chemicals in the water
16. 0:36that turn the friggin' frogs gay!
17. 0:39Do you understand that?
18. 0:41(GRUNTS) Crap!
19. 0:43Wow. If he is that upset about a government conspiracy
20. 0:47that is not happening, just imagine how upset
21. 0:49he's gonna be when he finds out about one that is actually is.
22. 0:52Like the fact that the government
23. 0:53is turning raccoons bi-lingual.
24. 0:55Oh, that's right, they're all fluent in French now
25. 0:57and they will be working that into conversation.
26. 1:00And that famous clip is by no means and outlier.
27. 1:04Jones is a charismatic performer who gets charged up
28. 1:07on a regular basis, so there are plenty
29. 1:09of lesser known outbursts like this...
30. 1:11My spirit is close than evil and I feel it
31. 1:13and my whole spirit just goes... (SCREAMS)
32. 1:18They call that crazy, that's not crazy,
33. 1:20that's my will, my human spirit saying,
34. 1:22"Crush those that would hurt the innocent!
35. 1:24Go after the enemy, build a civilization,
36. 1:27be honorable!
37. 1:28Crush the snakes under your feet!"
38. 1:30Well, at least now we know what Friday Night Lights
39. 1:33would've looked like if they'd given Coach Taylor
40. 1:35-a nasty PCP habit. -(CROWD LAUGHING)
41. 1:37Go after the enemy!
42. 1:38Crush the snakes under your feet! (SNIFFS)
43. 1:40Clear ice, full house. I've got the snakes everywhere!
44. 1:43Stop those snakes, motherfuckers. (SCREAMS)
45. 1:47(CROWD CLAPPING AND CHEERING)
46. 1:50Now look, ideally, ideally, the first thing you should know
47. 1:55about The Alex Jones Show, is nothing.
48. 1:58But, unfortunately, it is an important part
49. 2:01of a lot of people's media diets.
50. 2:02An estimated six million people listen to his radio show
51. 2:06or watch it online every week,
52. 2:07and we know at least one Jones fan seems to be
53. 2:10current Russian Ambassador to the United States,
54. 2:13-Donald Trump. -(CROWD LAUGHING)
55. 2:14He-- he supposedly called Jones after the election,
56. 2:18has tweeted content from Infowars and one of its editors
57. 2:21and just a year and a half ago, even appeared on his show.
58. 2:24TRUMP: I just wanna finish by saying,
59. 2:26your reputation's amazing. I will not let you down.
60. 2:29You will be very, very impressed, I hope
61. 2:32and I think we'll be speaking a lot.
62. 2:34The only thing that could've made that moment any grosser
63. 2:37is if Nigel Farage, Bill Cosby and Phil Spector
64. 2:39-were all on the same call. -(CROWD GROANING)
65. 2:41So look, it is no wonder that Jones has been getting
66. 2:44a lot of coverage, recently.
67. 2:46We even mentioned him on our first show of the season,
68. 2:48back in February and in his response to it,
69. 2:51he seemed a little annoyed with me.
70. 2:53Your ratings are in the toilet, you're a joke,
71. 2:55they brought you back, revamped...
72. 2:58out of the gate, to attack yours truly.
73. 3:01After you lectured us that Donald Trump
74. 3:03could never win, over and over again,
75. 3:04as you know, you're the intellectual,
76. 3:06everybody knows a British accent is intellectual.
77. 3:08(CROWD LAUGHING)
78. 3:09You know, there's no facts behind it.
79. 3:10And now, you make fun of me out of context,
80. 3:12and I'll go, "Look at this loon!"
81. 3:14Hey boy, people want legitimacy, they want real.
82. 3:19They want to hear somebody that can speak to 'em
83. 3:21and touch 'em inside.
84. 3:23-(CROWD GROANING) -Okay, okay, I--
85. 3:25A few things there. One, don't call me boy.
86. 3:28And two, my British accent does not sound intellectual.
87. 3:32Believe me, I sound like a chimney sweep
88. 3:34passing through a wood chipper.
89. 3:36But-- but I will give him this, Jones is right,
90. 3:39that too often, people don't present him in his full context.
91. 3:42So tonight, we are going to do that,
92. 3:45and let's first set aside the key context,
93. 3:47that Alex Jones has repeatedly used his show
94. 3:49to fuel speculation that the Sandy Hook Massacre
95. 3:51was staged by the government, which has been deeply hurtful
96. 3:54for the parents of those children over the years.
97. 3:56That is disgusting and should be disqualifying
98. 3:59in terms of ever taking him seriously.
99. 4:02Sadly, doing things that disqualify you
100. 4:04from being taken seriously,
101. 4:05doesn't really seem to be much of a thing anymore.
102. 4:08But-- but there is a piece of context,
103. 4:11you may be less aware of
104. 4:12and that concerns the nature of Jones' show itself.
105. 4:15It is four hours long,
106. 4:17and if you tune into the whole thing,
107. 4:19your most shocking discovery might be how frequently
108. 4:21and shamelessly he pitches products that he sells.
109. 4:24In fact, remember that clip from him earlier,
110. 4:26yelling about snakes?
111. 4:28Let's just go back to that and play it out a bit.
112. 4:30Be honorable! Crush the snakes under your feet!
113. 4:35(SIGHS) Get behind me, Satan!
114. 4:37(PANTING) Now before I go any further...
115. 4:41before I go any further...
116. 4:43we gotta fund this operation,
117. 4:44we got the very best nutraceuticals out there.
118. 4:46I don't know if I can run this for another week or so,
119. 4:48we wanna run this through the end of the month,
120. 4:49that's like 11 days.
121. 4:51'Cause I don't want it to sell out before more gets in
122. 4:54Twenty percent off infowarslive.com,
123. 4:56-infowarslive.com. -(CROWD GROANING)
124. 4:57infowarslive.com!
125. 4:59Woah! That is a hard turn to have to make.
126. 5:03(YELLS) The Satan-worshiping deep state globalists
127. 5:05are gonna murder you and your entire family!
128. 5:07Open your eyes, sheeple, they are coming for you,
129. 5:09they're coming for all of us!
130. 5:11(CLEARS THROAT)
131. 5:12But first...
132. 5:14-McGillicuddy's Oatmeal. -(CROWD LAUGHING AND CLAPPING)
133. 5:17The perfect way to start your day.
134. 5:21And look, that clip is not an anomaly.
135. 5:24In one week of recent broadcast on his sight,
136. 5:26we found he spent nearly a quarter of the time,
137. 5:29either talking about or playing ads for his products,
138. 5:32or pointing you to the Infowars store.
139. 5:34And if you have never gone shopping on Infowars, you are in
140. 5:37for whatever the exact opposite of a treat is.
141. 5:40Because there's the kind of survival gear
142. 5:43that you would expect alongside more surprising items
143. 5:45like organic shampoo, body wash and deodorant
144. 5:49as well as products like Combat One Tactical Bath Wipes
145. 5:52a ten-dollar pack of moist towelettes
146. 5:54that can be used anywhere needed,
147. 5:56including the perineal area.
148. 5:59Which, if you're wondering, is this region, right here.
149. 6:02-(CROWD GROANING) -That's right, Alex Jones
150. 6:04is trying to sell you sloppy wet rags for your tait.
151. 6:07And-- and when you are done wiping down
152. 6:10the area between your genitals and anus
153. 6:12with a glorified wet nap...
154. 6:14why not pick up a Bill Clinton Rape Whistle?
155. 6:16Which, according to Infowars, should be used
156. 6:20to let Bill know you're in the crowd
157. 6:22and that you know the truth.
158. 6:24That truth, by the way...
159. 6:28You just spent six dollars on a whistle.
160. 6:30Oh, that's right we bought this and by the way our order came
161. 6:34with a free "9-11 was an inside job"
162. 6:37-bumper sticker... -(CROWD GROANING)
163. 6:38...that we most assuredly did not ask for. And look...
164. 6:42radio hosts doing ads is not inherently unusual,
165. 6:45but since 2013, Jones has increasingly focused
166. 6:48on promoting his own products, which he sells on his site
167. 6:52under his Infowars Life brand,
168. 6:54particularly, vitamins and nutraceuticals,
169. 6:57which I believe are the result of the word, "nutrition"
170. 7:00fucking the word "pharmaceutical" from behind.
171. 7:02(BED CREAKING)
172. 7:03I'm pretty sure that's what it is,
173. 7:05but this-- this is a big part of Jones' business.
174. 7:09Two thirds of his funding reportedly comes
175. 7:12from selling his products and they are a lot of them.
176. 7:16And the reason I know that is we bought a whole bunch.
177. 7:20Now, let me break them down for you.
178. 7:22There is a Super Male Vitality, a Super Female Vitality,
179. 7:26"Wake Up America Patriot Blend" coffee, Lung Cleanse,
180. 7:30Brain Force Plus, something called DNA Force
181. 7:33that cost 120 dollars a bottle,
182. 7:35and Child Ease, a herbal blend, which, according to Infowars,
183. 7:39is "designed to sooth the mind and bodies of children"
184. 7:43which is a profoundly, creepy phase.
185. 7:46And then, there is Caveman True Paleo Formula with bone broth,
186. 7:51a chocolate flavored drink mix, made from bee pollen, stevia
187. 7:55and the dust of chicken skeletons.
188. 7:58Now, according to Infowars, it is one of the most popular
189. 8:02new health trend in the world today.
190. 8:05And by the look on Jones' face, it tastes
191. 8:07exactly as good as it sounds.
192. 8:09You pour that in on a couple of ice cubes.
193. 8:11And folks, it tastes...
194. 8:12when it's creamy and thick, I think, better than Ovaltine.
195. 8:16And it has got all the bone broth and so much more.
196. 8:20This is why, the ancients, they believe were--
197. 8:22had such better bones,
198. 8:23were so much healthier, you can look it up.
199. 8:24This-- you could freeze this and this will be better
200. 8:27than, like, bluebell chocolate ice cream.
201. 8:29Mm!
202. 8:31(CROWD LAUGHING)
203. 8:34(LAUGHING) Okay! Okay, I know for a fact
204. 8:37that Alex Jones did not enjoy drinking that glass of Caveman.
205. 8:41Because, I have got a glass of Caveman, right here.
206. 8:45And I can confirm to you that it tastes...
207. 8:48(COUGHING)
208. 8:50It taste exactly how you imagine a drink would taste
209. 8:53that's made from chocolate and domesticated bird corpses.
210. 8:56It-- it comes at you in waves.
211. 8:59And that is not the only time that Jones has used himself
212. 9:03as a guinea pig to sell his own products.
213. 9:05And a warning, now, to our younger viewers,
214. 9:07the following footage of a man graphically too comfortable
215. 9:09with his own body, may be disturbing.
216. 9:12Just ten minutes before we taped this,
217. 9:14I decided to do this 'cause I haven't done this
218. 9:15in a while. We took photos... a year ago,
219. 9:18And then again about six months ago
220. 9:19and the weight loss is dramatic,
221. 9:21already from what happened before.
222. 9:23(CROWD LAUGHING)
223. 9:25Okay, so you're redder... and you're wearing a belt.
224. 9:30The only thing I can discern happened
225. 9:32between those two photos
226. 9:33is that you walked shirtless in the sun for two hours
227. 9:35to a belt store.
228. 9:37You-- you could flip those two photos around
229. 9:40and the effect would be exactly the same. Also...
230. 9:46And look, to be fair to Jones, he does have a medical expert,
231. 9:50who consults on many of his supplements,
232. 9:52Doctor Edward Group III, who looks like the lead
233. 9:55in a Director DVD Kato Kaelin biopic.
234. 9:58But he's actually even less impressive than that.
235. 10:02Here he is in an Infowars ad
236. 10:03explaining the importance of one of the products.
237. 10:06GROUP: If you're suffering from abdominal pain,
238. 10:09allergies, even like headaches, anemia,
239. 10:11weakened immune system, gut problems, depression,
240. 10:15hair loss, uh... excess gas,
241. 10:18muscle pain, nervousness, I mean, all of these things,
242. 10:21if you look at some of these conditions
243. 10:24and then us opening up our borders
244. 10:26and all the other countries opening up our-- their borders,
245. 10:29you're just dealing with a mass amount of parasites
246. 10:33or are harmful organisms.
247. 10:34You can type in "refugees spreading disease"
248. 10:37I mean, the CDC is going crazy right now.
249. 10:39Actually, I'm pretty sure that if you type,
250. 10:41"refugee spreading disease" into Google and press enter,
251. 10:44it just takes you right to the Wikipedia page
252. 10:46for xenophobia, which, at the end of the day,
253. 10:49is a real time saver for you. But despite the fact
254. 10:52that Doctor Group looks like what would happen
255. 10:53if Tom Petty was machine washed instead of dry cleaned...
256. 10:56(CROWD LAUGHING)
257. 10:57... Alex Jones swears by him.
258. 10:59In fact, he's been pretty defensive
259. 11:01about Doctor Group's credentials.
260. 11:03It doesn't matter you've got degrees from MIT
261. 11:04and everywhere else and a bunch of other degrees,
262. 11:06the media makes fun of you and says that you're an idiot.
263. 11:09-(SIGHS) That's right. -I mean literally they say
264. 11:11we cannot sell coffee, it's a fraud.
265. 11:13That's right, that's right.
266. 11:14I-- I've been a research scientist
267. 11:16for a long time, I do have--
268. 11:17I am MIT alumni and I can tell you
269. 11:20that I do research all the time--
270. 11:22Okay, stop.
271. 11:24A-- Look, let's break down that "bunch of degrees"
272. 11:27Jones mentioned.
273. 11:28Group does have a Doctor of Chiropractic degree
274. 11:30from Texas Chiropractic College,
275. 11:32but, while he listed-- lists all these other schools on LinkedIn
276. 11:35we checked and he didn't graduate from any of them.
277. 11:38In fact, we asked him and he admits,
278. 11:40he does not have an undergraduate degree.
279. 11:43And as for whether he's an "MIT alumni,"
280. 11:46he only completed a non-degree certificate program there,
281. 11:49in fact, just to be sure, we contacted MIT,
282. 11:51and according to them, "It is not accurate to say
283. 11:54he has a degree from MIT... and calling him an alumni
284. 11:57would be inaccurate and misleading."
285. 11:59(CROWD LAUGHING)
286. 12:00Which does make sense when you think about it.
287. 12:03Because this man doesn't look like an MIT alumnus.
288. 12:07He looks like a fifth-year senior
289. 12:09at the University of Falling Off a Surfboard.
290. 12:12So-- so just to clarify Alex,
291. 12:15that is what we are making fun of, when we make fun
292. 12:18of Doctor Group. Well that, and, the fact
293. 12:21that he looks like what would happen
294. 12:22if Iggy Pop got "The Rachel."
295. 12:24(CROWD LAUGHING)
296. 12:25And look! Jones can inflate Doctor Group's credentials
297. 12:28all he wants. He says a lot of crazy shit on his show.
298. 12:32But it is noticeable that when it comes
299. 12:34to selling his supplements, he can sometimes show a caution
300. 12:37that is pretty out of character. Just watch him
301. 12:40bend over backwards to repeatedly qualify
302. 12:42what he says, seconds after he said it.
303. 12:45Maybe you've had back pain before,
304. 12:46maybe you've had nerves that were cut off.
305. 12:49This creates tingling, this-- A lot of people have
306. 12:51their feeling come back. I'm not gonna make claims
307. 12:53if this research is true. Organically based bio PQQ,
308. 12:56but it's not technically organic.
309. 12:58(CROWD LAUGHING)
310. 13:00The other stuff's synthetic, (INDISTINCT) are lab-made.
311. 13:03This is made from organic sources...
312. 13:05but the bacteria is GMO.
313. 13:07I'll just tell ya up front...
314. 13:08but it's not like the super high-tech stuff.
315. 13:10It's a bacteria that's just been bred,
316. 13:13to be able to then secrete and produce.
317. 13:15It's just like beer is bacteria, it's a lot of good bacteria,
318. 13:18obviously, but this one--
319. 13:19that's how the Japanese do it. But it's bio-identical.
320. 13:23This stuff is only found in comets.
321. 13:26And in trace amounts in blueberries.
322. 13:28(CROWD LAUGHING AND CLAPPING)
323. 13:31Wait. Wait.
324. 13:35OK, so let's break that down.
325. 13:37It repairs nerves but maybe doesn't.
326. 13:40It's organic but not really.
327. 13:41It contains GMOs, which is bad,
328. 13:43except for when he's selling you something
329. 13:45and you can only find its ingredients in comets.
330. 13:48Oh, and blueberries.
331. 13:50And it's the drop off after that last one
332. 13:52that is really incredible.
333. 13:53You can only find this stuff in dinosaur bones
334. 13:56and in trace amounts in Ritz bits.
335. 14:00And look, Jones's products don't come cheap.
336. 14:02For instance, he sells this one fluid ounce bottle
337. 14:05of Vitamin D3 for 29.95.
338. 14:07But consumerlab.com, a supplement watchdog,
339. 14:10points out that you can buy the same amount of D3,
340. 14:12from other sources, for less than four dollars.
341. 14:15But Jones will often give you a hard sell.
342. 14:17Sometimes, he'll tell you his products are different
343. 14:20than the ones that you can find in stores,
344. 14:21and sometimes, he'll go even bigger.
345. 14:24It is absolutely in the crystalline form,
346. 14:26the strongest, you absorb it.
347. 14:28So, folks, don't go out to the store and get iodine
348. 14:30from, say, one of the big chains.
349. 14:32It'll kill you!
350. 14:33Woah! Wow! I honestly did not know
351. 14:37that you could imply your competition kills people.
352. 14:40Four out of five dentists prefer Trident gum
353. 14:42and the fifth dentist is dead because he put a piece
354. 14:45of Wrigleys in his mouth and that's basically suicide!
355. 14:50And to hear Jones tell it... to hear Jones tell it,
356. 14:53his products are marked up
357. 14:54just enough to keep his business going.
358. 14:56As he explained in his recent appearance on,
359. 14:59Rationalizing Low Ratings with Megyn Kelly.
360. 15:01It may cost 45, 50 million dollars a year, around that.
361. 15:04How much money is being made?
362. 15:06Well, the money that's made
363. 15:07is pretty much put back into things.
364. 15:09Okay, so that is remarkable for two reasons.
365. 15:12First, 45 to 50 million dollars is a lot of money.
366. 15:16And second, Jones would have you believe
367. 15:18that every penny they earn is being plowed back
368. 15:20into a show that looks like it was filmed on the set
369. 15:23of a low-budget porn parody of itself.
370. 15:26In fact, as he frequently tells is audience,
371. 15:29he needs them to buy more to keep
372. 15:31his truth telling crusades solvent and growing.
373. 15:34JONES: We need to fund ourselves,
374. 15:35and we find ourselves by you buying the products.
375. 15:37We're at a shortfall now because of the massive,
376. 15:39sustained economic attacks we're under, but the listeners
377. 15:42in just two weeks have almost narrowed that gap.
378. 15:44I could have to sell my house...
379. 15:47to keep this place running three, four months.
380. 15:49I could have sponsors every segment.
381. 15:50I don't do it. I plug enough to fund things.
382. 15:53Fund us, give me the energy
383. 15:55and I will attack the enemy.
384. 15:58Exactly! It's like an NPR pledge drive
385. 16:00for people who hate NPR. Because to listen to Jones,
386. 16:04Infowars is perpetually on the edge of disaster.
387. 16:07He even has a link on the Infowars store,
388. 16:09where you can just give him money,
389. 16:11to help fund the fight against tyranny.
390. 16:13And contributors have left comments like,
391. 16:16"Twenty-five dollars may not be much,
392. 16:17but I know every little bit helps."
393. 16:19But Jones seems to be doing a bit more
394. 16:22than just keeping his head above water.
395. 16:24Ex-employees describe a thriving business
396. 16:27with one saying, "He can sell 500 supplements
397. 16:29in an hour... It's like QVC for conspiracy."
398. 16:33And in one of those clips we showed earlier,
399. 16:34we noticed he's wearing what looks like a Rolex watch
400. 16:38worth around 8000 dollars.
401. 16:40Which... cool.
402. 16:42And, y'know, as we looked around,
403. 16:44we noticed he also seems to have another two different Rolexes.
404. 16:47And you know... cooler.
405. 16:49And here's the thing, that is honestly fine.
406. 16:52He can have fancy watches.
407. 16:54There is nothing wrong with him getting paid.
408. 16:56I get paid to make this show.
409. 16:58But it does fight with his message
410. 17:00that he needs you to buy products
411. 17:03to help keep his show going. And even Alex Jones
412. 17:05seems to be a little self-conscious
413. 17:07about that disconnect.
414. 17:08But don't worry, he's reconciled it
415. 17:10in a truly amazing way.
416. 17:13I wear a blue sports coat and a Rolex
417. 17:16because it's a symbol of middle-class
418. 17:17and humanity having prosperity and promoting human prosperity
419. 17:21for respect of empowering humanity
420. 17:24and stealing the image of a man in a sports jacket
421. 17:26with a Rolex, that is the satanic image.
422. 17:29So, I dress as a Satanist,
423. 17:32so that I can enter their world and show you
424. 17:34that none of it means anything.
425. 17:36Oh bullshit!
426. 17:39How stupid do you think your audience is?
427. 17:42Okay, you bought a Rolex
428. 17:43so you could dress up like a Satanist.
429. 17:45What are the other two for?
430. 17:47And incidentally tormenting the parents of Sandy Hooke
431. 17:51should comfortably get you into the satanic club.
432. 17:53I believe that's the easy pass to whatever hell's version
433. 17:56of the champagne room is.
434. 17:58And look, so, at the start of this piece,
435. 17:59I promised Alex Jones that I would put his statements
436. 18:02in context, because he is right
437. 18:04that if you place small clips in isolation,
438. 18:07he looks like a loon.
439. 18:08But if you play them in context,
440. 18:10he looks like a skilled salesman spending hours a day
441. 18:14frightening you about problems like refugees spreading disease
442. 18:17and then selling you an answer.
443. 18:19Remember that gay frog clip at the start?
444. 18:21He did a follow-up show, explaining how chemicals
445. 18:24were being placed in the water to feminize society
446. 18:27and reduce the population,
447. 18:28and then immediately segued to this...
448. 18:31We shell five different brands of the very best water--
449. 18:34water filtration systems out there.
450. 18:36They're amazing, they cut out 99.99 percent
451. 18:38of the glyphosate, the herbicides,
452. 18:40the pesticides, the fluoride.
453. 18:42I mean to an untrained eye, it sure seems like
454. 18:45he was using the idea of a gay frog
455. 18:47to sell his products, which, incidentally is the same mistake
456. 18:50-the WB network made. -(CROWD LAUGHING)
457. 18:52And-- and listen, listen! I'm not saying-- I'm not saying
458. 18:57the only reason Jones is talking about the globalist,
459. 19:00systematically feminizing us,
460. 19:02is to sell over-priced nutraceuticals
461. 19:04so he can buy luxury watches, but if I were saying that,
462. 19:07it certainly wouldn't be the stupidest conspiracy theory
463. 19:09that you've heard so far, tonight.
464. 19:11So, if Alex Jones wants his words in context,
465. 19:14this is it.
466. 19:16The fact that he happens to sell so many solutions
467. 19:19should really re-contextualize how you think
468. 19:22about what he is claiming are problems.
469. 19:24Think about it like this. How would you feel,
470. 19:27if at the end of this segment that may well have made you
471. 19:29feel a little dirty, I tried to sell you something
472. 19:33to wipe that gross feeling away? Would you question my motives?
473. 19:38Well, I certainly hope not,
474. 19:40because that's what we are doing right now.
475. 19:42(CROWD CHEERING)
476. 19:43Come with me. Come with me because I'm proud to say
477. 19:47that we've been working with a leading medical expert,
478. 19:50and I would like you to meet him right now.
479. 19:52Please, please welcome Doctor Ted Group III.
480. 19:56-(CROWD CHEERING) -Doctor Ted.
481. 19:57Ah, so happy to be here.
482. 20:00We-- we're so happy to have you, doctor.
483. 20:04A-- and we are-- we are here, the doctor and I, to offer you
484. 20:08the John Oliver Moisture Armored Tactical Assault Wipe.
485. 20:12The first tactical wipe for use, exclusively,
486. 20:15on the perineal.
487. 20:16That's right. Uh, for goodness sake,
488. 20:18don't use this anywhere else. You're gonna wanna just focus...
489. 20:23-Right. -...on this area right here.
490. 20:25-JOHN: OK. -DOCTOR: Right here.
491. 20:27Now... now... now Doctor,
492. 20:30Doctor, how is this going to make people feel better
493. 20:34about what they've seen tonight? How...
494. 20:36Well my studies show that when you vigorously apply
495. 20:39this taint wipe, it causes a sensation
496. 20:41that distracts the brain from whatever it had previously
497. 20:44-been thinking about. -(CROWD LAUGHING)
498. 20:46OK, and again, you've got degrees from MIT,
499. 20:50and everywhere else, and a bunch of other degrees.
500. 20:51The media makes fun of you and says that you're an idiot.
501. 20:54-They do. -(CROWD LAUGHING)
502. 20:56Just-- just for the record, you did go to MIT, right?
503. 20:59Well I've definitely physically been there.
504. 21:02That's... that's essentially the same.
505. 21:04That's what I've been telling everybody.
506. 21:06Now-- now you can actually buy one of these wipes
507. 21:09at infowipes.com for one million dollars.
508. 21:14This is real. They are actually available
509. 21:16for a million dollars apiece,
510. 21:17and don't even think about buying a similar wipe
511. 21:20in a store, because those wipes will kill you.
512. 21:23Yeah, also, these wipes have the power
513. 21:26to heterosexualize frogs.
514. 21:28So uh, that's very nice to have,
515. 21:30'cause that's been a real problem
516. 21:32-what with all the refugees. -(CROWD GROANS AND LAUGHS)
517. 21:34And look-- look, this tactical taint wipe has demonstrated
518. 21:37incredible results, hasn't it, Doctor?
519. 21:39Absolutely, it sure has.
520. 21:40Look at this photo of me.
521. 21:42And now look at this photo of me forty-five minutes later...
522. 21:46-after applying the taint wipe. -(CROWD LAUGHING AND CLAPPING)
523. 21:49You-- you're much redder there.
524. 21:51-I'm so much redder! -So much redder!
525. 21:54-So disturbingly red! -So much...
526. 21:56So, if you want to spend a million dollars
527. 21:58on a taint wipe, go to infowipes.com,
528. 22:01and if you're thinking, "Well, no one's going to do that,"
529. 22:03all I will say is, people pay Alex Jones 45 dollars
530. 22:07for a jar of chocolate flavored chicken juice,
531. 22:09so anything is fucking possible.