Alex Jones Called Out Stephen Colbert In Court Testimony — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00ALL WEEK, I'VE BEEN BRINGING YOU THE LATEST FROM THE TRIAL OF
2. 0:04CONSPIRACY RADIO HOST AND FURIOUS HARDBOILED EGG, ALEX
3. 0:05JONES.
4. 0:07( LAUGHTER ) YOU GUYS KNOW WHO HE IS?
5. 0:09YOU KNOW WHO ALEX JONES, IS "INFO WARS."
6. 0:12VERY POPULAR.
7. 0:13DONALD TRUMP IS A BIG FAN.
8. 0:16JONES IS IN A LEGAL BATTLE WITH HIS EX-WIFE, WHO SAYS HE'S TOO
9. 0:18UNSTABLE TO HAVE CUSTODY OF THEIR CHILDREN.
10. 0:21AND TO PROVE IT, SHE'S BEEN SHOWING THE COURT VIDEOS LIKE
11. 0:23THIS: >> GEORGE WASHINGTON WITH
12. 0:27DIARRHEA RUNNING OUT OF HIS PANTS ON TOP THAT HORSE MARCHING
13. 0:31TO KICK ASS!
14. 0:33MARCHING NOT TO GIVE UP!
15. 0:34TAKING ACTION!
16. 0:35THAT'S WHO WE COME FROM, AND WE LET ALL THESE HUNCHBACK SCUM
17. 0:36RULE US!
18. 0:38I WILL NEVER SUBMIT TO YOU!
19. 0:39AND THE HUMAN SPIRIT IS RISING!
20. 0:42YOU WILL NOT TURN US INTO ANIMALS!
21. 0:47( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
22. 1:04>> Stephen: YES, YOU CAN NEVER TURN ALEX INTO AN ANIMAL,
23. 1:11BECAUSE HE'S ALREADY A RABID BADGER.
24. 1:14BUT JONES' LAWYER DEFENDED HIM, SAYING THAT WHEN HE SAYS STUFF
25. 1:17LIKE THAT, JONES IS JUST PLAYING A CHARACTER.
26. 1:19AND, EVIDENTLY, YESTERDAY JONES TOOK THE STAND AND BACKED THAT
27. 1:20UP.
28. 1:22REPORTEDLY, @REALALEXJONES CALLED OUT STEPHEN COLBERT--
29. 1:26IN TESTIMONY-- THAT'S ME.
30. 1:31AND SAID, "HE WAS MAKING FUN OF ME THE OTHER DAY, BUT HE DOESN'T
31. 1:32TAKE THAT HOME TO KIDS."
32. 1:34THAT IS TRUE.
33. 1:35I DON'T TAKE THAT HOME.
34. 1:37WHENEVER I TALK ABOUT ALEX JONES, MY WIFE WILL NOT LET ME
35. 1:44INTO THE HOUSE UNTIL I AM DELOUSED.
36. 1:48SHE MAKES ME BURN MY CLOTHES OUTSIDE BEFORE I ENTER THE
37. 1:49AIRLOCK.
38. 1:51YOU EVER SEE IN THE "ADROM NASTRAIN?"
39. 1:55LIKE THAT.
40. 1:57WE ALSO LEARNED A BIT ABOUT HOW THE MARRIAGE WENT WRONG.
41. 2:00JONES TOLD THE COURT THAT EVEN THOUGH HIS EX-WIFE WAS A MEMBER
42. 2:03OF PETA, JONES LIKES TO EAT ZEBRA STEAKS.
43. 2:05"AND WOULD YOU LIKE THAT RARE, OR MEDIUM RARE?"
44. 2:09I'D LIKE IT EXTREMELY RARE, ENDANGERED, IN FACT.
45. 2:14OF COURSE, ONE OF THE ACCUSATIONS AGAINST HIM IS DRUG
46. 2:15USE, WHICH HE ADMITTED TO, SAYING HE SOMETIMES SMOKES
47. 2:20MARIJUANA, NEARLY YEARLY, "TO MONITOR ITS STRENGTH, WHICH IS
48. 2:23HOW LAW ENFORCEMENT DOES IT."
49. 2:25( LAUGHTER ) YES, EVERYONE REMEMBERS THAT
50. 2:30ONE "LAW & ORDER" EPISODE PER YEAR WHERE THE DETECTIVES BURN
51. 2:36DOWN THE DANK BUD, THEN SIT ON THE COUCH WITH A BUNCH OF
52. 2:38SNACKS, AND BINGE-WATCH "LAW & ORDER."
53. 2:41IT'S PRETTY TRIPPY.
54. 2:42IN FACT, IT'S NOT JUST "LAW & ORDER."
55. 2:44IT'S REAL.
56. 2:45ALL COPS DO THIS.
57. 2:47ALL POLICEMEN GET STONED ONCE A YEAR.
58. 2:49BUT FIRST THEY LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SAY, "AM I A COP?
59. 2:52I GOTTA TELL ME IF I'M A COP.
60. 2:57AND AGAIN, I FEEL BAD FOR ALEX JONES HERE.
61. 3:00IN THE PAST-- I'M A PERFORMER-- AND I'VE BEEN JUDGED FOR THE
62. 3:03THINGS I'VE SAID WHILE IN CHARACTER, SPECIFICALLY THE
63. 3:05CHARACTER OF TUCK BUCKFORD, WHO IS THE HOST OF THE RIGHT-WING
64. 3:09RADIO SHOW "BRAINFIGHT."
65. 3:15>> I GOTTA TELL YOU BRAINFIGHTERS, BEN FRANKLIN HAD
66. 3:20IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME, JUST EXPLODING ALL OVER THAT KITE IN
67. 3:25THE MIDDLE OF A RAINSTORM!
68. 3:26BUT DID THAT STOP HIM?
69. 3:28NO!
70. 3:28IT DID NOT!
71. 3:31HE KEPT GOING, OKAY!
72. 3:33AND JUST IT WENT EVERYWHERE, OKAY!
73. 3:35AND THAT'S HOW HE INVENTED THE MOIST TOWELET!
74. 3:40( LAUGHTER ) NOW, BRAIN NATION, I GOTTA TELL
75. 3:43YOU, OLD TUCK'S A BIT MELLOW TODAY BECAUSE FOR YOUR SAFETY I
76. 3:47HAVE BEEN TESTING THE STRENGTH OF SOME OF GEORGE SOROS'
77. 3:51PATENTED MIND-CONTROL MARIJUANA.
78. 3:54I DO IT ONCE A YEAR, AND THEN ONCE AN HOUR FOR A YEAR, JUST
79. 3:59LIKE THE BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN OF THE COAST GUARD.
80. 4:02( LAUGHTER ) YOU CAN REALLY TASTE THE BUTANE.
81. 4:10( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I GET A LOT OF CALLS
82. 4:13SAYING, "YOU'VE ACCUSED THE TOOTH FAIRY OF NOT BEING REAL,
83. 4:16BUT WHAT DO WE TELL OUR KIDS?" YOU TELL YOUR KIDS THE TRUTH,
84. 4:20OKAY!
85. 4:20TOOTH FAIRY'S REALLY THE C.I.A.
86. 4:22COMING TO OUR CHILDREN'S ROOMS AT NIGHT TO COLLECT THEIR D.N.A.
87. 4:26OFF THE LITTLE MOLARS AND THE BICUSPIDS TO USE THE D.N.A. TO
88. 4:31GENERATE ARTIFICIAL CYBER SPERM THAT THEY SELL TO THE WITCH'S
89. 4:36COFFENS WHO USE TURKEY BAIFTERS TO INSEMINATE EACH OTHER TO
90. 4:40CREATE AN ARMY OF DEMON BABIES TO FIGHT OUR WARS!
91. 4:43I'M NOT MAKING THIS STUFF UP!
92. 4:45I'M IMAGINING IT, OKAY?
93. 4:48NOW, IF YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING THE NEWS, YOU MAY HAVE HEARD FROM MY
94. 4:52EX-WIFE, DEB, THAT I'M A MARIJUANA ADDICT WHO SHOULD NOT
95. 4:55BE TRUSTED WITH MY OWN CHILDREN.
96. 4:57IT IS NOT TRUE.
97. 4:59I AM JUST LOGGY FROM EATING ALL THIS DELICIOUS GIRAFFE MEAT.
98. 5:05AND, YES, MY WIFE IS AN ANIMAL LOVER, AND, YES, THIS IS THE
99. 5:10APRIL THE GIRAFFE.
100. 5:12BUT I'M MAN WITH TEETH, TEETH THAT CHEW, AND A THROAT THAT
101. 5:16SWALLOWS, AND A HEART IN MY CHEST THAT BEATS FOUR TO FIVE
102. 5:21TIMES A MINUTE BECAUSE OF ALL THE MEAT I'VE BEEN CHEWING.
103. 5:24YOU'RE DEAD!
104. 5:24I'M ALIVE!
105. 5:25YOU'RE DEAD!
106. 5:27I'M ALIVE!
107. 5:28NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO CHECK OUT SOME OF THE CRACK
108. 5:32COCAINE THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE HAS BEEN PUSHING ON THE
109. 5:35MUPPETS ON "SESAME STREET."
110. 5:39BIG BIRD'S IN ON IT.
111. 5:45SNAFALOPOLOUS ISN'T REAL.
112. 5:47FALSE FLAG.
113. 5:48LET'S SEE HOW GOOD THIS CRACK IS.
114. 5:55WOOOO!
115. 5:55THAT IS STRONGER THAN IT WAS THIS MORNING!
116. 6:00KIDS, DON'T DO THIS STUFF, OKAY?
117. 6:02BECAUSE IF YOU TRY TO TAKE MINE, YOU WILL DRAW BACK A BLEED
118. 6:05STUMP!
119. 6:06YOU WILL FIGHT MY BRAIN!
120. 6:08MY BRAIN HAS COBRA FANGS WILL!
121. 6:10YOU'LL BE DEAD IN EIGHT SECONDS.
122. 6:15HEMATOXINS!
123. 6:17( LAUGHTER ) TODAY'S SHOW IS BROUGHT TO YOU
124. 6:24BY BLUE APRON, NOT THE FOOD, THE LED-LINED SMOCK THAT KEEPS THE
125. 6:30NATIONAL PARK SERVICE SATELLITES FROM PHOTOGRAPHING YOUR GENITALS
126. 6:35WHILE YOU SLEEP SO I NEVER SLEEP!
127. 6:37GIVE ME THAT CRACK!
128. 6:38I'M GOING TO PUT IT ON MY DING DONG JUST LIKE THOMAS JEFFERSON
129. 6:43TOLD US TO DO IN THE MAGNA CARTER!
130. 6:45OH, THAT'S GOOD!
131. 6:47OH, THAT'S GOOD!
132. 6:49( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
133. 6:51SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
134. 6:51ROSARIO DAWSON IS HERE.