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Почему самые сильные люди ломаются первыми — Transcript

by Виолетта Макеева · 5,879 words · 945 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00You surely know such a woman. Perhaps
0:04you are married to her, perhaps she
0:06gave birth to you, or perhaps you look
0:09at her every morning in the mirror
0:11while brushing your teeth and
0:13simultaneously making a mental list of
0:15fourteen tasks, eight of which,
0:17actually, are not yours. The family
0:21owes its stability to her, and business
0:23owes its existence to her. And when one
0:26of the household members complains to
0:28others, the phrasing is usually the
0:30same. A viewer sent it to me, and it
0:33couldn't be more accurate: she is a
0:36fantastic woman and at the same time
0:39unbearable. After the episode about
0:42Leanne Clancy, where I suggested that
0:44Leanne's personality structure was cut
0:47from a type I conditionally called the
0:49"controller," I received dozens of
0:51comments with the same opening. You
0:54described me. People recognized
0:56themselves, their mother, their wife,
0:59or their boss in my story and asked to
1:01dedicate a separate episode to this.
1:04Yes, half of small businesses and
1:06roughly the entire system of school
1:09parent committees rely on people with
1:11this personality type. My name is
1:14Violetta Makeeva. You know me as the
1:15author of the best deep dives on
1:17YouTube. And today we will be analyzing
1:20not a person, but a construct. I will
1:22tell you in a bit more detail how the
1:24controller's personality is formed. We
1:26will try to answer the question of
1:28whether a more passive partner always
1:30pairs up with them, or if there are
1:32exceptions. Is it really that difficult
1:35to help a controller, or are people
1:37just offering it in the wrong way? At
1:39what point does the controller reach a
1:42breaking point, after which those same
1:45personality constructs that once pulled
1:47them up start pulling them down? Why
1:51does psychology so often fail
1:53specifically when working with
1:54controllers? And considering all this,
1:58is there any chance for a controller
2:01that their life will one day become
2:04easier? Please like this video now,
2:07because later you will be captivated by
2:09my story and you will forget, and it is
2:11very important to me. And let's begin.
2:21I named the controller "controller"
2:23after their main defense mechanism, but
2:25one could also call them by the name of
2:28their main pain: "hyper-responsible."
2:31People often call themselves
2:33hyper-responsible in interviews, for
2:36example, highlighting it as an
2:38advantage. But in reality, this is also
2:41nothing more than a psychological
2:43defense mechanism growing over trauma.
2:46Normal responsibility is an internal
2:49commitment to ensure a certain result.
2:53It is flexible, negotiable, and allows
2:56a person to request help, postpone
2:58deadlines, or revise terms as needed,
3:01because it is measured against reality,
3:04which can be unpredictable and
3:07ever-changing. And hyper-responsibility
3:11is formed when, regardless of factors
3:14that a person might not even be able to
3:17influence, they are designated as the
3:20one to blame for any unfavorable
3:23outcome, as a result of which the
3:25person's zone of responsibility goes
3:28far beyond their zone of influence. And
3:32this is the main source of the
3:33development of hyper-control.
3:35Everything that in one way or another,
3:38even very indirectly, touches the
3:40controller—or even just falls into
3:42their field of attention—
3:44automatically becomes their zone of
3:46responsibility. And exactly in the same
3:49way, their zone of control spreads
3:52along with it. Let me give you an
3:54example. Suppose a person is organizing
3:56an event for someone, and 10 guests are
3:59supposed to come. Each guest is an
4:03individual, a separate so-called human
4:05factor, to whom anything can happen. A
4:09person with a normal sense of
4:11responsibility will be interested in
4:13everyone coming, so they will take
4:15steps: send out invitations, call the
4:18day before to confirm the visit, and
4:20inform the organizer in a timely manner
4:22if anything goes wrong. And if, after
4:26all this, someone doesn't show up, they
4:28won't feel like a nobody. Someone who
4:31isn't able to solve a basic task. But a
4:34hyper-responsible person in this
4:36position will feel exactly that way. It
4:40doesn't matter that they have no
4:41leverage over these people. It doesn't
4:44matter that the guests 'motivation
4:46largely depends on what kind of event
4:48it is and how interested they are in it
4:50. What matters is that they were
4:51entrusted with a task and didn't
4:53succeed. I feel this will be very
4:54unpleasant, to put it mildly. Well, to
4:58be honest, it will be agonizing, and to
5:01avoid this agonizing feeling, the
5:03hyper-responsible person will manifest
5:06in that aspect we know so well—the
5:08aspect of a controller. Only a
5:12controller is capable of lying awake at
5:14night, tormented by anxiety, figuring
5:17out that a group chat for all guests
5:20might turn into a failure for the event
5:22, because if one or two write that they
5:25can't come, it might have a
5:27demotivating effect on everyone.
5:30Therefore, they will write to each
5:32person individually, spending 10 times
5:34more effort on it. But at least it's
5:37more effective. Only a controller will
5:39rush to solve a transport problem for a
5:42guest whose car broke down at the last
5:44minute. As if they were solving a
5:47transport problem to get, I don't know,
5:49a pregnant sister to the hospital. Only
5:53a controller will personally take on
5:54entertaining a guest's child because
5:56their nanny got sick, just so she will
5:58come. In short, this person is capable
6:02of covering every task with tenfold the
6:05effort that it was originally supposed
6:07to take. Why? Hmm. Well, of course,
6:11because that's how they were raised.
6:13Controllers are formed in families of
6:15various structures. Sometimes they are
6:18formed by a controller just like them,
6:21who worries so much that they
6:23generously heap anxiety and guilt onto
6:25the child for innocent mistakes and for
6:27failures that were beyond their control
6:30. But viewers described a few more
6:33paths that lead to the same point, and
6:35they are so accurate that I will simply
6:37list them for you. Path one. The oldest
6:42child, who from a young age was saddled
6:44with adult responsibilities. Watch,
6:46feed, take them there, keep track. Very
6:50often parents, especially young ones,
6:52perceive their older children not as
6:55children, but as partners, fully
6:57convinced that children should join
7:00them in the same harness and pull
7:02life’s cart right alongside them.
7:06They are tasked with managing the
7:08household, helping with younger
7:09siblings, going to the store, working
7:11at the summer house, and so on. The
7:14trap here is not that the actions they
7:17are tasked with are too complex or
7:19exceed the skills they have developed
7:22for their age. It is precisely about
7:25the responsibility. After all, looking
7:28after a younger sister at home is not
7:30always just about reading a book or
7:32heating up her porridge. What if a hot
7:34water pipe bursts at home at that exact
7:36moment? Picking up a younger brother
7:39from kindergarten is not just about
7:41taking him home, but also interacting
7:43with the teacher, who might be unhappy
7:46or satisfied with something. In this
7:48situation, you are acting as an adult
7:51representative. Or standing in a queue
7:54is not just being present in a spot; it
7:56also means enduring the dissatisfaction
7:59of irritated and tired adults, each of
8:01whom is twice your size. And that burst
8:04hot water pipe is a true story. In that
8:07situation, the older child, who was the
8:10babysitter, panicked, and the small
8:12child got burned. Naturally, the mother
8:16, having rushed home and been
8:18frightened, gave the older sister a
8:20very big scolding—the kind she
8:23remembered 30 years later. Even for an
8:27adult, all these situations would be
8:29difficult to resolve and cope with, let
8:32alone for a child. And at that moment,
8:35they learn something important. It
8:38turns out you have to be responsible
8:40not just for your own actions, but for
8:42every event within your line of sight.
8:45How can you not decide that controlling
8:47everything around you is the best
8:49strategy available? Road number two.
8:51Unpredictable parents. It was never
8:54safe with them. You could never guess
8:56what you would get in trouble for today
8:58. And a child, who has no way to
9:01predict someone else's behavior, starts
9:04doing the only thing available to them.
9:08They try to predict absolutely
9:10everything, calculate all options, and
9:12keep a mental map of a minefield that
9:14is rearranged every single night. For
9:16example, this includes children from
9:19families where a parent suffered from
9:21alcohol addiction, for instance. Road
9:24number three. I already mentioned the
9:27situation where the parent is a
9:28controller themselves; yes, they are
9:30not prone to indulgence and are always
9:32there, always nearby, but they have a
9:34different problem. They do not allow
9:36the right to make a mistake. Everything
9:39done not the way they want, all things
9:42that go off-plan, provoke, to put it
9:44mildly, a very strong emotional
9:46reaction. And notice what all these
9:49roads have in common. In all cases, the
9:51punishments are disproportionate to the
9:54actions. They are held responsible for
9:57things the child had no part in, things
9:59they fundamentally lacked the resources
10:02to handle, and which were far beyond
10:04their control. And the psyche of a
10:07child, served with a bill they can
10:09neither dispute nor pay, finds a
10:11brilliant engineering solution. If I
10:14control everything, then nothing will
10:16happen that could lead to me being
10:18blamed, punished, or devalued. And it
10:21is better to die from exhaustion than
10:24from guilt. There are other paths that
10:27create the prerequisites for forming a
10:29controller personality, because the
10:31structure of the psyche is like a
10:33chemical reaction. The same elements
10:36can produce different effects depending
10:39on what they react with. And so, for a
10:42controller personality to emerge,
10:44responsibility that extends far beyond
10:47their influence is not enough.
10:50Something else is needed to turn this
10:53eternal fear into eternal forward
10:55momentum. I have called this mechanism
10:59a super-idea. It most often appears in
11:02the life of a controller in fits and
11:03starts. At some point in their
11:06existence, the controller notices that
11:09some things come much easier to them
11:12than to other people. The results of
11:15their activities are higher. People are
11:18much more willing to trust them. They
11:21accomplish much more than others. In a
11:23sense, they are beyond their years. And
11:25so, the controller begins to get
11:26acquainted with a completely new
11:28version of themselves. It turns out
11:31they are not an eternal, worthless
11:32failure who can't handle anything. It
11:35turns out that in some ways, they are
11:37bigger, better, and more significant
11:39than others. And people let them know
11:42it. And their psyche, which had no
11:45prior concept of such luxury, latches
11:48onto this area of existence with a
11:50death grip. That is how a super-idea is
11:53formed. The area of a super-idea can be
11:57anything, or almost anything, but, one
12:00way or another, these are things linked
12:02to public good or that which is
12:05approved of by others and can be valued
12:07by them: motherhood, housekeeping,
12:10community work, studies, a profession (
12:12especially if it has a component of
12:15bringing positive emotions, utility, or
12:18benefit to people), rescuing stray
12:20animals, or creativity. In general, a
12:25super-idea gives the controller a tool
12:27to change how other people treat them.
12:31It provides a way to gain respect,
12:33admiration, and recognition. And in the
12:36glow of this recognition, it's not so
12:39much that they feel truly worthy, no.
12:43Rather, they feel that in this capacity
12:45, no one will offend or blame them.
12:48After all, they didn't just do
12:50something; they achieved the almost
12:51impossible. Things that are
12:54inaccessible to others and important to
12:56others. That is how the controller's
12:59motivational system is finally shaped.
13:02Anxiety that they won't handle a task
13:04and will be ostracized for it, on one
13:07hand, very effectively pushes them
13:09toward activity. This part of the
13:12mechanism utilizes such a well-known
13:14neurotransmitter as adrenaline. But the
13:17presence of a super-idea, as it happens
13:20, engages another neurotransmitter:
13:23dopamine. The thing is, according to
13:26recent research, dopamine is also the
13:28neurotransmitter of anticipation. That
13:31is, it supports our efforts on the way
13:34to a result. And the more desirable
13:37this result is, the stronger the
13:39dopamine release. As well as the more
13:41likely it is, and the closer the moment
13:43of its attainment. And the state that
13:45dopamine provides is very pleasant. It
13:48is worth mentioning here that the
13:50effect of one of the most popular
13:52psychoactive substances is based
13:55largely on dopamine. So the controller,
13:58yes, unintentionally becomes an
14:00addicted person. Only the substance
14:02they are hooked on does not come from
14:05the outside, but is produced by their
14:07own body. Thus, the controller first
14:10ends up in a psychological trap, and
14:12then in a psychophysiological one. The
14:15psychological trap is hidden in the
14:17very structure that ensures the
14:19controller's productivity. Imagine a
14:22global sports competition that has
14:24different disciplines, like a triathlon
14:27, for example. You run a certain
14:30distance, you cycle a certain distance,
14:31you swim a certain distance. And let's
14:34say we have a person who has only one
14:37leg, and they have been moving on it
14:40their whole life. As a result, it has
14:43become many times more muscular and
14:45stronger than that of other people. And
14:48they handle it quite skillfully. Now
14:51imagine that such a person has become a
14:53participant in these global
14:55competitions. And one of the
14:58disciplines is jumping on one leg. And
15:00during this stage, our hero pulls far
15:04ahead. Thousands of cheering spectators
15:06admire and applaud them in the stands.
15:09Correspondents are broadcasting the
15:11competition live. Their name is flying
15:14across newspaper headlines and
15:15television news reports. But sooner or
15:19later the single-leg jumping stage ends
15:21, and now everyone, let's say, has to
15:23crawl on a rope. Our one-legged hero
15:26climbs the rope no worse and no better
15:29than others; yes, they don't show
15:31outstanding results, but they don't
15:33fall to the floor either. Fans of their
15:35talent are somewhat disappointed, but
15:37all is not lost yet. Who knows, maybe
15:40the person is just tired. But sooner or
15:43later, the change of disciplines will
15:45lead to a stage where all participants
15:48will simply have to run on two legs.
15:51And that is when our hero will
15:53experience what they will later call a
15:56difficult period, or a tragedy, or a
15:58crisis, or, in the most extreme case, a
16:01complete collapse. The internal
16:04psychological dependence on a potent
16:07cocktail of adrenaline and dopamine
16:10gives the controller huge advantages
16:13over other people. None of the ordinary
16:16people are able to carry such burdens.
16:19What the controller is capable of while
16:23they are high on it is truly on the
16:26verge of human capability or even
16:28beyond. Practically alone, they can
16:32carry complex projects, take care of
16:35several small children, build up a farm
16:38, and prepare for sports competitions
16:41in record time. The word "work capacity
16:45," in the sense we admire, specifically
16:48describes the controller. But their
16:52outstanding results are not built
16:54solely on productivity. Starting from a
16:58difficult childhood, when they were
17:01punished for things they couldn't
17:04influence, they learn to affect events
17:07and phenomena by calculating them,
17:09analyzing patterns, and applying their
17:12hyper-productive hands and brains. If
17:17people previously didn't know how to
17:19solve a particular problem, the
17:21controller is the one who will
17:22definitely figure out a way. In short,
17:26the controller is orders of magnitude
17:28smarter and more industrious than the
17:31average person. A pretty decent set of
17:34unfair advantages, wouldn't you say?
17:36But there are limitations. The
17:38controller is afraid of other people.
17:40Well, at the very least, they are quite
17:41wary of them. Since childhood, people
17:45have been a source of unbearable tasks,
17:47unfair feedback, guilt, and the
17:50difficulties they had to cope with
17:52while bearing disproportionate
17:54responsibility. I would even venture to
17:59generalize that the controller doesn't
18:01really like people and would gladly
18:04deal primarily with androids. And they
18:07wouldn't mind being an android
18:08themselves. Granted, this misanthropy
18:12is carefully covered up by a concern
18:14for the greater good, so it is often
18:17hidden from the controller's own
18:19awareness. And this internal
18:23contradiction—on one hand, a need for
18:27a certain treatment from others, and on
18:30the other, a fear of them—creates a
18:34system that almost inevitably ends in
18:37collapse. It starts with dopamine
18:40addiction and constant anxiety pushing
18:43the controller toward increasingly
18:46massive undertakings, because dopamine
18:48is produced by the difference between
18:51the current result and the anticipated
18:54one. Therefore, for the "cocktail" to
18:57work, one must constantly raise the bar
18:59for results. That is, one must always
19:03be faster, higher, stronger. More
19:05children, more money, more land for the
19:07farm. More apartments to renovate, more
19:10followers on an account, and so on. And
19:13sooner or later, the controller hits
19:15the boundary of their own, well, at
19:17least simply human, capabilities. They
19:20need other people for the scale of
19:23their influence and enterprises to
19:25increase. And this is where they face a
19:28serious dilemma. Compared to them, most
19:32people are dim, lazy, inert, aimless,
19:36clumsy, short-sighted, unmotivated,
19:39careless, inefficient with resources,
19:43clueless, and absolutely unreliable.
19:47For the controller, people are more of
19:51a burden than a resource. Logically,
19:53they prefer to do everything by
19:55themselves for the most part. They hire
19:58others extremely reluctantly, and so it
20:01happens that the ones dragged into the
20:04controller's projects are often their
20:07partners and other close loved ones.
20:10Yes, they aren't thrilled with them
20:12either, but they are underfoot anyway,
20:14and they have to be looked after
20:16regardless. So, they might as well be
20:18of some possible use. In the last
20:21episode about Linsey, I said that a
20:23controller doesn't need a partner. They
20:26need a person who will carry out their
20:27instructions to the letter. And yes, I
20:31saw that many of you, recognizing the
20:33controller in yourselves, wrote that
20:36you actually dream of being paired with
20:38another controller—a person just as
20:41responsible and hardworking, whose
20:43reliability and labor would allow you
20:46to breathe a sigh of relief and offload
20:48some responsibilities. But having a
20:52passive performer nearby is not a
20:54matter of choice, but of desperation.
20:57Okay. I agree that a controller would
21:00love to clone themselves, as that way
21:02they could handle even more of a
21:04workload. But in reality, two
21:06controllers will never get along. Why?
21:10Well, look, a controller is very
21:12sensitive to both their own and others'
21:14mistakes and has a very hard time
21:16tolerating them. Therefore, the moment
21:20one partner messes up, the other will
21:22fall into a very strong negative
21:24emotional state and will most likely
21:27start blaming—that is, doing exactly
21:29what was done to them in childhood and
21:32exactly how they treat themselves. All
21:35that injustice and those accusations of
21:38shortsightedness or sloppiness,
21:40concerning things the person couldn't
21:43influence, or could have but didn't for
21:46various reasons. They will come
21:48crashing down on the partner's head. If
21:52the other person in the pair is a
21:54controller themselves, they won't
21:56endure that for a second. Passive
21:59partners end up with controllers not
22:01because controllers choose passive ones
22:04, but because only an emotionally
22:06thick-skinned person can exist next to
22:09a controller—someone who won't fall
22:11apart from accusations, anxiety,
22:14nagging, wailing, and the endless "why
22:16did you do it this way, not that way,"
22:19and so on and so forth. To endure this,
22:23a person must not be wounded by such
22:26attacks. And it will never be another
22:29controller, because for another
22:31controller, that "accusation" spot is
22:33hypersensitive, and they will
22:35immediately fall out of love, reject
22:37you, and wish to be on the other side
22:39of the world. But could a person with a
22:43more or less harmonious personality
22:45structure appear next to a controller?
22:48It's not impossible, but even such a
22:50person won't meet the controller's high
22:53standards. They will still fall short,
22:57for instance, not being ambitious
22:59enough or not diligent enough. But in
23:03practice, those who survive next to
23:06controllers are only those who, in the
23:08place where they perceive their own
23:10imperfection, have not so much a stable
23:13structure as, so to speak, a callus.
23:16They simply don't take the controller's
23:18entire expression personally, and
23:20that's it. Very often, the controller's
23:22area of super-activity isn't that
23:24significant to them. And for these
23:27reasons, they aren't destroyed by the
23:29controller's badgering and emotional
23:31outbursts, and therefore they can enjoy
23:33the perks that are always present when
23:35you're with a controller. Sometimes
23:39wealth, sometimes status, or at the
23:42very least social approval, yet they
23:44avoid excessive burdens. All of those
23:47fall precisely on the controllers. Now,
23:50take a look. A person who isn't
23:53destroyed by criticism, prodding,
23:55negative feedback, dramatization, or
23:58tension—can they, on their own, be
24:01the engine of grand achievements?
24:04Unlikely. Most likely, such a person
24:07would value their peace and comfort to
24:09a greater degree. And if we go back to
24:13Lindsay Clancy and look at her husband
24:15Patrick, I don't really want to take
24:18Lindsay's personality as the main
24:20example for this episode, because we
24:22cannot explain her behavior here solely
24:25by the controlling personality
24:27structure, since she was, in all
24:29likelihood, mentally ill. But Patrick,
24:32in my view, is a rather successful
24:35example. We see a person who works and
24:38leads a perfectly orderly lifestyle. He
24:41helps his wife with the children,
24:43doesn't drink, and doesn't lose money
24:45in casinos. That is, by normal
24:47standards, Patrick is a perfectly
24:49normal person, a normal husband. But if
24:54you measure him against the super-idea
24:56of a football team of children that
24:58parents must manage on their own, he
25:01immediately becomes ridiculous, not
25:03active enough, not responsible enough,
25:05not mature enough, and so on and so
25:08forth. Therefore, when we judge the
25:12partners of controllers by comparing
25:15them to the controllers themselves, or
25:18when we relate these people to tasks
25:21created by the controllers, we must not
25:24forget that the controller is, in many
25:26ways, a person who surpasses the
25:29average individual. And against their
25:33background, yes, everyone else will
25:35seem clumsy, lazy, irresponsible, or
25:37clueless. Cruel. And yes, if a real
25:41problem arises that requires digging
25:43through the earth to solve, the
25:46controller will dig. These are the
25:48heroic people thanks to whom doctors
25:51are found for relatives who have
25:53already been given a death sentence.
25:56These are the people thanks to whom
25:58children receive an excellent education
25:59in families that don't always have
26:01enough money for food. These are the
26:04people thanks to whom justice can
26:07prevail in a specific area of reality.
26:10In general, through their activities,
26:13controllers produce a very large amount
26:15of public good. But honestly, after all
26:19the deductions, they are often left
26:21with next to nothing of that good. And
26:25just as high as they fly, they often
26:28fall just as low. There are two
26:30potential breaking points for a
26:32controller. The first is the burden. At
26:35some point, this neurotic
26:37responsibility, which always goes
26:39beyond the boundaries of influence,
26:41gradually expands the boundaries of the
26:43influence itself. Yes, while
26:45responsibility is always greater, the
26:47influence itself grows too. A person
26:50who isn't spoiled by positive feedback
26:53feels increasingly capable, powerful,
26:56and resourceful, and they begin their
26:58expansion, as a rule, in the area of
27:01their super-idea. I like how this is
27:04shown in the movie The Devil Wears
27:06Prada. Remember Miranda, played by
27:09Meryl Streep, an absolute controller
27:12who gets the unpolished assistant Andy.
27:16An ordinary girl, not stupid at all,
27:19with ambitions, but Madame Priestly's
27:23standards go way beyond normal job
27:26duties. And in order to avoid her
27:30boss's contempt primarily, and
27:33dismissal secondarily, Andrea gradually
27:37moves from doing routine tasks well to
27:40doing the impossible. For example,
27:44getting an unpublished Harry Potter
27:46manuscript. Of course, when she pulls
27:49off a stunt like that, her sense of her
27:51own capabilities expands, and she
27:54begins to see herself and the world
27:56differently. Yes, she continues to
27:59speak of herself quite disparagingly,
28:02but this proves that I am capable of
28:04something. But she now views the matter
28:08around her as much more malleable. And
28:12so gradually, following her boss, she
28:15herself becomes a controller, absorbing
28:18performance standards through constant
28:21accusations and getting hooked on her
28:24ever-expanding influence. And this
28:28feeling that "now I can do a lot"
28:31pushes the controller, for reasons we
28:34have discussed, to want even more and
28:36more, while being severely limited. In
28:41delegation capabilities. Well, this
28:44means that all of this falls more on
28:47their shoulders; the controller usually
28:49gets involved in a venture during a
28:52dopamine rush. They will pull it off
28:56later out of fear of failing, of being
28:58terrible, of being guilty. And
29:01eventually something happens, usually
29:03in the external environment, that
29:06suddenly requires additional resources,
29:08some kind of force majeure. But the
29:11controller is already living on
29:13borrowed strength all the time. And
29:15there are no spare resources anywhere,
29:18so the whole global enterprise begins
29:20to burn along with the controller.
29:23Imagine, for example, that Andrea,
29:25alongside her work, signed a contract
29:28with a publisher to write a book about
29:30Miranda. We saw that in the second part
29:33. She needs, let's say, to devote at
29:35least 2 hours every day to working on
29:37the manuscript. While everything is
29:39more or less calm. She somehow manages
29:41to do it. Well, let's say something
29:44happens. The book needs to be released
29:46urgently ahead of schedule. And now she
29:49has to sit over it not for 2 hours, but
29:51, let's say, for four. And then the
29:54tension begins to grow exponentially.
29:57Because both are Andrea's professional
30:00ambitions, this is the area of her
30:02super-ideas, so her anxiety begins to
30:05multiply significantly. She will most
30:08likely stop sleeping, though she will
30:09still be able to do mechanical tasks.
30:12But the ability to do creative work,
30:13she will most likely lose. With each
30:16passing day, she will feel the pressure
30:19growing. Productivity will keep getting
30:21worse and worse. The dissatisfaction
30:24and disappointment of those around them
30:26will grow, which will further
30:28exacerbate their anxiety. Often, this
30:31collapse ends with the controller
30:33losing their mental stability. They
30:36might accumulate a variety of diagnoses
30:38at this point if they go to a
30:39psychiatrist. Along with this, they
30:41lose their ability to work. Or, in this
30:44state, other people might forcibly
30:46remove them from their area of
30:48responsibility. Alternatively, the
30:51controller might quickly destroy their
30:53life's work themselves, simply by
30:55stopping their investment in it
30:57overnight. As we remember, at the core
31:00of their activity lies a race for
31:02approval and recognition. And at some
31:06point, the controller might suddenly
31:09realize that, despite their efforts,
31:11they failed to avoid hostility,
31:14accusations, reproaches, and aggression
31:17. Giving 220%, they have exhausted
31:21themselves and become tired. Their
31:24emotional resilience has become as thin
31:26as parchment, yet it continues to be
31:28battered by the grievances of others.
31:31And at that moment, they might throw up
31:33their hands, drop everything, and wish
31:35to hide from everyone. They can
31:38instantly part ways with their
31:40super-idea, which just yesterday
31:43constituted the meaning of their
31:46existence. This is clearly visible, for
31:49example, in bloggers who initially
31:51create highly successful projects that
31:53grow by leaps and bounds. For instance,
31:57Emma Chamberlain, a highly successful
32:00American blogger who had a huge
32:02influence on modern YouTube and spawned
32:05a new style, who initially worked
32:08herself to the bone filming endlessly,
32:11then editing daily videos alone for 30
32:13–40 hours. She burned out due to
32:18hyper-responsibility toward her
32:20audience and, being unable to maintain
32:23this schedule or delegate it to anyone,
32:26dropped everything and pivoted to a
32:28podcast, which had previously been a
32:31side project that didn't require daily
32:34filming. She also invested in it to the
32:37maximum. It became just as highly
32:40successful as her blog. And she dropped
32:42it again at its peak. In my opinion,
32:46once again unable to cope with the
32:48multi-vector growth of tension that
32:51increases as success grows. Tension
32:55from the workload, tension from
32:57responsibility, tension from the fear
32:59of doing worse than you did yesterday,
33:01from guilt and shame for every mistake,
33:03which is then multiplied by a
33:04million-strong audience, and so on and
33:06so forth. And here we reach the point
33:11that is probably the most dramatic. The
33:14fact is that it is not that easy to
33:16help a controller. Sometimes it seems
33:19to them that they need free hands, or
33:21even better, free minds that will think
33:24like them or close to it. But all such
33:27minds are already busy with their own
33:29super-ideas, and there are no free
33:31minds of that type. And just any hands
33:34do not satisfy the controller, because
33:36they cause more frustration than help.
33:38You would never have allowed yourself
33:40to work that way. But most importantly,
33:43as soon as this help appears, the free
33:46resource is immediately poured not into
33:49rest, but into developing super-ideas.
33:52If you hire a good assistant for a
33:54controller with a 12-acre plot, they
33:57will simply expand the territory. Now
34:00they will have 24 acres for the two of
34:02them, and their energy—both their own
34:04and the helper's—will be stretched to
34:06the limit again. A controller’s
34:08assessment system is very heavily
34:10skewed. What is a well-done job for an
34:13ordinary person is a shameful botch job
34:15for a controller. What is considered
34:18putting in effort for an ordinary
34:19person is something the controller does
34:21with their eyes closed. And a
34:23productive day for an ordinary person
34:25is a day of shameful degradation for a
34:28controller. As I already said in the
34:31video about lenses, controllers are
34:33extremely reluctant to go to
34:35psychologists because if they have
34:37started to take an interest in their
34:39own mental health, everything the
34:42psychologist has just thought to ask
34:44them, they have already thought through
34:46300 times themselves and concluded
34:48it’s not relevant. But most
34:51importantly, what kind of advice can a
34:52psychologist give them? To rest more,
34:56take on less, allow for mistakes, and
34:59lower the bar for the performance of
35:02others. That is, in essence, to abandon
35:07the tools that help them at least stay
35:10afloat and plunge into an abyss of
35:12guilt, shame, and self-contempt. But
35:16that is the whole point: common-sense
35:19recommendations do not work for a
35:21controller. So what does work? Well, to
35:25understand that, we need to return to
35:27the origins of the formation of the
35:29controller's personality structure. As
35:32we remember, their area of
35:34responsibility goes far beyond the
35:36boundaries of their influence and
35:38abilities. And how was it formed?
35:42Through negative feedback based on the
35:45fact that a certain result was expected
35:48of them, but they failed, didn't guess
35:51it, didn't try hard enough, didn't
35:53empathize with the hopes and needs of
35:56others, were careless, selfish, clumsy,
35:59stupid, shallow, cruel, frivolous, and,
36:01ultimately, couldn't handle anything
36:04and ruined everything. And all these
36:08messages from people, usually parents,
36:12arrive accompanied by certain emotions
36:15and sometimes physical actions. The
36:19people who deliver them—again,
36:21usually parents, though not necessarily
36:24—are angry, disappointed, or full of
36:26contempt in that moment, or they make
36:29it clear with their whole demeanor that
36:31they no longer want to have anything to
36:34do with this worthless person. Or they
36:38threaten that you won't be needed by
36:40anyone like this, or they punish you by
36:42depriving you of pleasures, company, or
36:45love. And if you think about it, the
36:49number of levers that can be used to
36:52influence a person, both negative and
36:55positive, is actually quite limited. So
36:58, a person does something that someone
37:00else didn't like. Well, what can you
37:02actually do to them? Inflict physical
37:05pain, scare, shame, blame, threaten
37:07with something, or stop communicating.
37:11In other words, any process of one
37:14person influencing another has a
37:16limited and clearly defined set of
37:19tools. And in childhood, they all seem
37:22incredibly terrifying because we are so
37:25dependent, weak, and don't understand
37:27anything yet. So, it stays in our
37:30memory that a mistake is a mortal sin,
37:32which is followed by something terrible
37:34. And a negative result is an indicator
37:37of worthlessness, which is also
37:39followed by something terrible. That if
37:41people around you are suffering, it is
37:44exclusively your fault and rejection
37:46awaits you as a result. But, honestly,
37:49to an adult who realizes what's what,
37:52the vast majority of all this is like a
37:55drop in the ocean. And so my approach
37:59is that a controller shouldn't expand
38:02their zone of influence and build up
38:04tools of omnipotence, but rather patch
38:07up their weak, vulnerable spots.
38:11Returning to our athlete, you don't
38:14need to pump up the existing leg, but
38:17grow the missing one and thereby gain
38:21stability. If such an approach also
38:25seems logical to you, come to my master
38:28group. Look, our third cohort is
38:30gradually coming to an end there, and
38:33all its materials from the very first
38:35release are available for study. The
38:38group is in active operation. When the
38:41cohort ends, materials will be released
38:44to new members in portions once a week,
38:47just as they were released before. In
38:50short, there won't be such a freebie as
38:52there is now. So, if you want to go
38:55through, if one can say so, all these
38:58influences I described as an extern,
39:00well, if you are a controller, then of
39:03course you want to, so now is the time.
39:07Actually, I would, of course, recommend
39:09that you don't take on too much, if I
39:11thought for even a minute that it would
39:13work. Well, and most importantly, even
39:16quite accurate and meaningful
39:18blah-blah-blah, as in this release, is
39:21just blah-blah-blah, from which nothing
39:23changes. The foundation of the master
39:26group is a practical tool for the deep
39:28transformation of behavioral patterns.
39:31My own, developed, refined, and
39:33repeatedly tested creation, which I
39:36once designed to help my patients. And
39:40for the master group, I will make a
39:42version of it for working on yourself.
39:46I provide it in the master group in
39:48precisely this form, which also
39:49partially removes the barrier that
39:51controllers have when they think about
39:54entrusting their most precious things
39:56to other people, who will certainly do
39:58worse than they would themselves. And
40:01with the promo code "control," you get
40:03a 20%discount on the first month of
40:05participation. The validity period of
40:07the promo code is limited. But here is
40:10what I like most about all of this: you
40:12know, if a small child is sent, for
40:14example, to gymnastics and, at the same
40:16time, achievements are demanded from
40:18them quite harshly. After this, there
40:20were various psychological difficulties
40:22. And then, as an adult, a person goes
40:25to work on themselves, processes things
40:27, and changes their approach, for
40:29example, to achievements. Their
40:32physical form and the ability to build
40:34it up and recover it quickly remain
40:37with them. The same applies to other
40:40competencies. The fuel, of course, the
40:42controller needs to be changed; one
40:44must learn to live without the "high."
40:47Well, it is certainly not always easy,
40:50but those rich associative connections
40:52—that is, intelligence, a multitude
40:55of diverse skills, the ability to solve
40:57complex problems—all of this doesn't
41:00go anywhere; it just stops serving a
41:02grand obsession and finds applications
41:05that are less destructive for its owner
41:07. But that’s all I have for today. If
41:10you are not yet subscribed to my
41:12channel, be sure to subscribe. And this
41:14was Violetta Makeeva. Take care of
41:17yourselves, and see you again on my
41:19channel.

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