A Samurai Couple, Yoshinaka and Tomoe Gozen (Genpei War Part 3) | History of Japan 62 — Transcript

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1. 0:00Tomoe rides up to him, pulls his head down,
2. 0:02and freaking cuts off his head with her knife right there.
3. 0:05<beeep>
4. 0:06Today on History With Plenty of Misery,
5. 0:08I bring you burning ox battles, young love, and glorious deaths in the Genpei War.
6. 0:14One of the major players in the war was Lord Kiso, or Kiso Yoshinaka.
7. 0:18While his cousin Minamoto no Yoritomo was building a stronghold in the Kanto,
8. 0:23Lord Kiso was lighting it up in Shinano Province.
9. 0:26He was technically in the Minamoto house and Yoritomo was technically his boss,
10. 0:31since Yoritomo was the Minamoto leader.
11. 0:34But it was like how teenagers are technically under their parents’ authority.
12. 0:38It meant nothing.
13. 0:39Lord Kiso was like his own man, dammit. Stop hovering.
14. 0:42One of his top commanders was a woman, and what a woman.
15. 0:46Now when people talk about female samurai, they probably watched too much anime,
16. 0:51or they’re talking about Tomoe Gozen (巴御前).
17. 0:54She seemed to be a lover of Lord Kiso’s.
18. 0:56She could have been one of his concubines or one of his wives.
19. 0:59The Heike monogatari describes her as gorgeous and also a master--mat-tress?--no, a master
20. 1:05of the horse, the bow, and the sword.
21. 1:08She went into battle with this Sephiroth-like long sword.
22. 1:12Now Lord Kiso was just one of the countless rebel warlords all over the country taking
23. 1:17up their swords against the Taira, most of them flying the Minamoto banner.
24. 1:21Thing is, they weren’t exactly on the Minamoto side.
25. 1:25They were different groups with different goals.
26. 1:27It was a Heian Battle Royale, without high school students.
27. 1:30The rebel groups didn’t coordinate with the Minamoto clan, they didn’t ask permission
28. 1:34from the Minamoto, they just wanted to kick the central government out of their provinces,
29. 1:39and claiming that you’re part of this national movement against Taira tyranny
30. 1:43was good for recruitment.
31. 1:45They were co-opting a Twitter hashtag, basically.
32. 1:47In 1181, we enter the second chapter of the war: We can’t eat and we can’t fight.
33. 1:53Taira no Kiyomori was sick of it.
34. 1:56The rebels were everywhere.
35. 1:57Here are some major ones.
36. 1:59There was a revolt in Owari.
37. 2:00Omi and Mino revolts threatened his grain stockpile.
38. 2:04Kyushu rebels blocked his foreign trade empire with the Chinese.
39. 2:08Even the Buddhist monks rose up.
40. 2:10Okay, so he did torch some major, important temples because they were being obnoxious,
41. 2:14but c’mon.
42. 2:15Kiyomori was sick of it.
43. 2:16Literally. He got sick and he died.
44. 2:19Died you guys!
45. 2:20But Kiyomori’s first son was very capable of continuing his dad’s legacy.
46. 2:25I say “was” because he’s also dead.
47. 2:29And so the reins of the Taira clan was passed on to another of Kiyomori’s sons, Munemori.
48. 2:34Munemori was everything his dad was not.
49. 2:37He was a screwup.
50. 2:38How much of a screwup?
51. 2:39His mother will tell you.
52. 2:40There’s a story that his own mother admitted that he was not Kiyomori’s real son.
53. 2:46She bought him as a baby from an umbrella seller.
54. 2:49Miki: The umbrella seller also sold babies?
55. 2:51What? Yes, it was a business pivot.
56. 2:53No, the guy didn’t switch from selling umbrellas to selling babies,
57. 2:57the umbrella seller gave his own son away.
58. 3:00Miki: Then what do umbrellas have to do with it?
59. 3:01Nothing. It has nothing to do with umbrellas.
60. 3:03He just happened to be an umbrella seller.
61. 3:05Don’t you dare ask about umbrellas in the comments.
62. 3:08What happened was, Munemori’s mother explained, long ago Kiyomori only had one son.
63. 3:13He stressed out about it because that meant only one possible heir.
64. 3:17One day, she gave birth to a daughter, and being a loyal wife,
65. 3:21she switched her daughter with the umbrella seller’s son.
66. 3:24Kiyomori himself didn’t know.
67. 3:26Apparently she later revealed this to people to explain that
68. 3:30“of course the war’s going badly for us, this dummy Munemori is nothing like his father
69. 3:34because he’s not Kiyomori’s son, nor is he my son.”
70. 3:38Or so she claimed.
71. 3:39Imagine hearing your mom say that.
72. 3:41After Kiyomori’s death, the Taira scrambled to keep it together and continue the war.
73. 3:46After a few successes, they turned their sights to Lord Kiso.
74. 3:49But Kiso probably paid for Sun Tzu’s Art of War premium online course because he was
75. 3:55a genius on the battlefield.
76. 3:57He was outnumbered 10 to 1.
77. 3:59Lord Kiso had a death wish...for the other guy.
78. 4:03He disguised his warriors as Taira warriors and won somehow.
79. 4:07Tomoe Gozen was nothing to mess with either.
80. 4:09They said in one battle, she took the heads of 7 mounted warriors.
81. 4:13The bad luck kept piling on for the Taira.
82. 4:16When it rains, it pours.
83. 4:18Except in this case, it didn’t rain.
84. 4:20A famine hit western Japan.
85. 4:21What are the odds?
86. 4:23Very high actually, famines were a fact of life at the time.
87. 4:26But this one was especially big.
88. 4:28It was called the Yowa famine.
89. 4:30It started in 1180, the same year that the war started.
90. 4:34A drought slapped Japan in the face, and Japan couldn’t stand up for 2+ years.
91. 4:39Each year made it worse because people didn’t have food saved up from the last year.
92. 4:43The war stalled.
93. 4:45Everyone hunkered down for some surviving.
94. 4:47People wrote about the streets being filled with dead bodies.
95. 4:51People were desperate.
96. 4:52Some left their homes and families to go live in the mountains,
97. 4:55hoping that hunting, gathering, and fishing would save them.
98. 4:58Some tore down their homes to sell firewood.
99. 5:01Ironically, people in the capital, the richest bishes in normal times, suffered the most.
100. 5:06The city relied on the surrounding provinces to provide them food, but the roads were either
101. 5:10dangerous or blocked by armies.
102. 5:13Armies also had a habit of seizing the crops of farmers wherever they marched.
103. 5:17They were like my dad when walking past a neighbor’s orange tree.
104. 5:21What little food there was couldn’t get to the capital.
105. 5:24The nobles in the capital tried trading their trinkets and valuables for food,
106. 5:29but in a famine, those valuables weren’t so valuable.
107. 5:32Turns out you can’t eat gold.
108. 5:34Many fled the city.
109. 5:36The Taira forced provinces to send food to the starving capital,
110. 5:39because they wanted people to hate them even more.
111. 5:42Meanwhile in the east, Yoritomo wasn’t letting a famine go to waste.
112. 5:46He was offering food to people in exchange for land.
113. 5:49The famine mostly affected the west, you see.
114. 5:52Seeing the Taira weakened, Yoritomo sent them a letter saying,
115. 5:56“Yo, how about a truce?
116. 5:57I’ll rule the east, and y’all can have the west.
117. 5:59There will be peace.
118. 6:00Iono jus think bout it.”
119. 6:01The Taira replied with a middle finger.
120. 6:04The famine eventually subsided, and in 1183, the war resumed.
121. 6:08The Taira attacked Lord Kiso again at Kurikara Pass.
122. 6:12This time, Kiso lured them into a valley called Jigokudani, or Hell Valley.
123. 6:17It’s a good name because of what’s about to happen to the Taira.
124. 6:20Lord Kiso’s army met the Taira forces at Hell Valley.
125. 6:24The Taira men said, “It’s Lord Kiso! Oh crap!”
126. 6:27Lord Kiso stalled them at the valley
127. 6:29to let another unit sneak around the mountains to the enemy’s back
128. 6:33and surround them.
129. 6:34There’s a story about the battle that I really hope is true.
130. 6:37Kiso’s forces gathered oxen and tied burning torches to their heads and had them stampede
131. 6:43into the Taira army WHATT.
132. 6:45After the Oxening, Lord Kiso marched onward to the capital, the Taira home base.
133. 6:51The Taira tried to gather defenders.
134. 6:53They even asked the monks of surrounding temples.
135. 6:55The monks were like,
136. 6:56“Yeah, we could help you.
137. 6:57But first we need to take revenge on the ones who burned our temples and stuff.
138. 7:01Oh wait, that was YOU GUYS. Prepare to die.”
139. 7:04And the monks joined the invaders.
140. 7:05Look, don’t mess with battlemonks is what I’m saying.
141. 7:08The Taira saw the writing on the wall and the wetness on their pants
142. 7:12and got out of the capital.
143. 7:14They took their little boy emperor with them, Emperor Antoku, who was the current emperor
144. 7:18of Japan though no one noticed.
145. 7:20Poor Antoku, his life could’ve been better
146. 7:22if Taira no Kiyomori didn’t put him on the throne.
147. 7:25They also took the imperial regalia with them, the three treasures that represented the emperor.
148. 7:31Lord Kiso strolled into the capital like he owned the place.
149. 7:34There wasn’t room for 2 Minamoto leaders, he thought.
150. 7:37I’m the top Minamoto.
151. 7:39Yoritomo to the east was furious.
152. 7:42There wasn’t room for 2 Minamoto leaders, he thought.
153. 7:44I’m the top Minamoto.
154. 7:47He sent his brothers, Yoshitsune and Noriyori, with an army to the capital.
155. 7:52Lord Kiso was a good soldier, but good soldiers don’t necessarily make good leaders.
156. 7:56He didn’t know how to play the political games like Kiyomori or Yoritomo did.
157. 8:01And as a certain psychopath once said,
158. 8:04when you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.
159. 8:07Plus his army looted and pillaged the countryside wherever they went.
160. 8:11Kiso didn’t have many allies in court.
161. 8:14Now in the capital, Retired Emperor Go-Shirakawa still held a lot of power.
162. 8:19Some Go-Shirakawa allies gathered a bunch of Kiso-haters into a resistance army.
163. 8:25Kiso was pissed.
164. 8:27Then he found out that Yoritomo was secretly communicating with the Retired Emperor,
165. 8:31and got more pissed.
166. 8:32Then he found out that Yoritomo was sending an assassin to the capital to kill him,
167. 8:37and got even more pissed.
168. 8:39All of that piss combined to form one angry stanky warlord and he pissed-offedly
169. 8:44destroyed the Anti-Kiso Resistance Army.
170. 8:47He also burned down Go-Shirakawa’s palace because he’s a maniac
171. 8:51and put Go-Shirakawa under house arrest.
172. 8:53Kiso got the court to give him the title of seii taishogun, or Barbarian Conquering Generalissimo.
173. 9:00This title the court used to give to people who led armies north to conquer the Emishi.
174. 9:05In this case, the barbarian in Kiso’s mind was his cousin Yoritomo.
175. 9:10And now we reach the third chapter of the war: Yes, we Kanto.
176. 9:15The army of the Minamoto brothers Yoshitsune and Noriyori was approaching the capital.
177. 9:19Lord Kiso was in trouble because his army had seen action for months.
178. 9:25They were now smaller and squishier.
179. 9:26But the Minamoto army was fresh.
180. 9:28They’d been on the sidelines for the entire war watching Kiso and the Taira duke it out.
181. 9:34But what could he do? He had to face them.
182. 9:36So Kiso faced them in the Battle of Awazu, and got clobbered.
183. 9:40Near the end, there were only 5 warriors left, including Lord Kiso and Tomoe Gozen.
184. 9:45The Heike monogatari talks about their badass last stand.
185. 9:49Lord Kiso tells Tomoe to run away.
186. 9:52You would think he meant run away and save yourself, but that’s not what he says.
187. 9:56He tells her to get away because he doesn’t want to die with a woman in his entourage.
188. 10:00It’d be embarrassing.
189. 10:01Alright, dick.
190. 10:02But before running away, she looks for a worthy enemy to fight in front of her lord.
191. 10:07She spots this tough looking guy on his horse who was a warrior known for being really strong.
192. 10:12Well he’s about to be known for getting beat by a woman.
193. 10:15Tomoe rides up to him, pulls his head down,
194. 10:18and freaking cuts off his head with her knife right there.
195. 10:21Then she eats his head, no she doesn’t, but you wouldn’t be surprised would you?
196. 10:25She then pulls off her armor and rides into the sunset.
197. 10:28To where? No one knows.
198. 10:30Thing is, sorry to disappoint you, but we don’t even know if she actually existed.
199. 10:34She only shows up in stories, so she could be totally made up.
200. 10:38Lord Kiso though, did exist, until he took an arrow to the face,
201. 10:42and got his head chopped off.
202. 10:44The Heike monogatari tells us about another cool death here.
203. 10:47When one of Kiso’s remaining followers sees that his lord has died,
204. 10:51he decides that he must kill himself in the awesomest way possible.
205. 10:55This total boss bites the point of his sword and nosedives from his horse to the ground,
206. 11:01gloriously driving the sword out the back of his head.
207. 11:05Yeahh, his family’s account received a million honor points that day.
208. 11:10In 1184, Yoshitsune marched into the capital and presented Lord Kiso’s head to the court
209. 11:16like he was bringing a bottle of wine to a dinner party.
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