A queer vision of love and marriage | Tiq Milan and Kim Katrin Milan — Transcript

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1. 0:12Tiq Milan: Our first conversation was on Facebook,
2. 0:15and it was three days long.
3. 0:17(Laughter)
4. 0:19We shared over 3,000 messages between us,
5. 0:21and it was during those 72 hours that I knew she was going to be my wife.
6. 0:26We didn't wait any prerequisite amount of time for our courtship;
7. 0:29we told each other the vulnerable truths up front:
8. 0:32I am a transgender man,
9. 0:33which means the F on my birth certificate should have stood for "False,"
10. 0:37instead of "Female."
11. 0:38(Laughter)
12. 0:39Walking around as a woman in the world
13. 0:41felt like walking with pebbles in my shoes.
14. 0:44It took the rhythm out of my swagger,
15. 0:46it threw me off balance,
16. 0:47it pained me with every step I took forward.
17. 0:49But today I'm a man of my own intention;
18. 0:52a man of my own design.
19. 0:54Kim Katrin Milan: I am a cisgender queer woman.
20. 0:57Cisgender means the gender I was assigned at birth
21. 0:59is still and has always been female.
22. 1:02This doesn't make me natural or normal,
23. 1:05this is just one way of describing the many different ways
24. 1:08that we exist in this world.
25. 1:10And queer is a cultural term,
26. 1:12but in this case,
27. 1:13it refers to the way that I'm not restricted by gender
28. 1:15when it comes to choosing partners.
29. 1:17I've identified in a few different ways --
30. 1:19as a bisexual, as a lesbian --
31. 1:21but for me,
32. 1:22queerness encompasses all of the layers of who I am and how I've loved.
33. 1:27I'm layers, and not fractions.
34. 1:30And for me,
35. 1:31the fact that he was queer
36. 1:32meant that I could trust his courtship from the very beginning.
37. 1:36As queer and trans people,
38. 1:37we're so often excluded from institutions and traditions.
39. 1:41We create spaces outside of convention,
40. 1:44including the conventions of time.
41. 1:46And in those 3,000 messages between us,
42. 1:49we collapsed time;
43. 1:51we queered it;
44. 1:52we laid it all on the table.
45. 1:54(Laughter)
46. 1:55With no pretense at all.
47. 1:57And this meant that we were able to commit to each other
48. 2:00in a profoundly different way.
49. 2:02So often what we're told is this idea of the "Golden Rule,"
50. 2:06that we should treat other people the way we want to be treated.
51. 2:10But the problem with that
52. 2:11is that it assumes that we are the standard for other people,
53. 2:14and we're not.
54. 2:15We need to treat other people the way they want to be treated,
55. 2:19which means we had to ask.
56. 2:21I couldn't assume that the kind of love that Tiq needed
57. 2:23was the same kind of love that I needed.
58. 2:25So I asked him everything -- about his fears, his insecurities --
59. 2:30and we started from there.
60. 2:31TM: I didn't know what kind of love I needed.
61. 2:34I had just come out of a year-long fog
62. 2:36of being rejected and utterly depleted.
63. 2:38I had someone look me in my eyes
64. 2:40and tell me that I was unworthy of their love because I was trans.
65. 2:44And there's a culture of lovelessness
66. 2:46that we've created around transgender people.
67. 2:48It's reasoned, justified and often signed into law.
68. 2:51And I was a heartbeat away from internalizing that message,
69. 2:54that I wasn't worthy.
70. 2:56But Kim said that I was her ideal --
71. 2:58the heartbroken mess that I was.
72. 2:59(Laughter)
73. 3:01KKM: He totally was my ideal.
74. 3:03(Laughter)
75. 3:04In more ways than one.
76. 3:05Both poets, writers, creatives
77. 3:08with a long history of community work behind us,
78. 3:10and big, huge dreams of a family in front of us,
79. 3:13we shared a lot of things in common,
80. 3:15but we were also incredibly different.
81. 3:17I've been a lifelong traveler and a bit of an orphan,
82. 3:20whereas he comes from a huge family,
83. 3:22and definitely stays grounded.
84. 3:24I often kind of sum up the differences in our strengths
85. 3:27by saying, "Keep me safe,
86. 3:28and I'll keep you wild."
87. 3:30(Laughter)
88. 3:34TM: We have marginalized identities but we don't live marginalized lives.
89. 3:39Being queer and trans is about creating new ways of existing.
90. 3:42It's about loving people as they are,
91. 3:44not as they're supposed to be.
92. 3:46Kim is unapologetically feminine
93. 3:48in a world that is often cruel and violent
94. 3:51to women who are too proud and too freeing.
95. 3:53And I didn't enter into this union
96. 3:55under the auspices that she was going to be my helper or my rib,
97. 3:58but a fully complex --
98. 4:00(Laughter)
99. 4:01KKM: Right? That's not right.
100. 4:04TM: But a fully complex human being
101. 4:05whose femininity wasn't for me to rein in, control or critique.
102. 4:09It's her brilliance,
103. 4:10the way she leads with compassion,
104. 4:12and how she never loses sight of her empathy.
105. 4:14She has been my hero since day one.
106. 4:18(Applause)
107. 4:21KKM: Our relationship has always been about setting each other free.
108. 4:25One of the first questions I asked him
109. 4:27was what dreams he had left to accomplish,
110. 4:29and how would I help him get there.
111. 4:31His dreams to live as a poet,
112. 4:33to adopt and raise a family together,
113. 4:35to live a life that he was proud of,
114. 4:37and one that would live up to his mother's incredible legacy.
115. 4:41And I really appreciated that we were able to start from that place,
116. 4:44and not from a place that was around figuring out
117. 4:47how to make each other work together.
118. 4:49And I think this really allowed us to grow into the people that we were
119. 4:53in a way that was incredibly different.
120. 4:55I love him whole;
121. 4:57pre-transition, now and in the future.
122. 4:59And it's this love that had us committed to each other
123. 5:02before we'd even seen each other's faces.
124. 5:06TM: My mother's biggest concern when I transitioned
125. 5:09was who was going to love me as I am.
126. 5:11Had being transgender somehow precluded me from love and monogamy
127. 5:17because I was supposedly born in the wrong body?
128. 5:20But it's this type of structuring that has to be reframed
129. 5:23in order to let love in.
130. 5:25My body never betrayed me,
131. 5:27and my body was never wrong.
132. 5:29It's this restrictive, binary thinking on gender
133. 5:32that said that I didn't exist.
134. 5:34But when we met,
135. 5:35she loved me for exactly how I showed up.
136. 5:38She would trace her fingers along the numb keloid scars
137. 5:41left by my top surgery.
138. 5:42Scars that run from the middle of my chest all the way out to my outer torso.
139. 5:46She said that these were reminders of my strength
140. 5:49and everything that I went through
141. 5:51and nothing for me to be ashamed of.
142. 5:53So sprinting towards her hand in marriage
143. 5:55was the queerest thing that I could do.
144. 5:57(Laughter)
145. 5:59It flew in the face of more conventional trajectories
146. 6:02of love and relationships,
147. 6:04because God was never supposed to bless a union for folks like us,
148. 6:07and the law was never supposed to recognize it.
149. 6:10KKM: So on May 5, 2014,
150. 6:14just about three months after meeting online,
151. 6:17we were married on the steps of City Hall in Manhattan,
152. 6:21and it was beautiful in every conceivable way.
153. 6:25It's safe to say that we reimagined some traditions,
154. 6:29but we also kept some old ones that we worked in,
155. 6:31and we created something that worked for us.
156. 6:34My bouquet and corsage was actually filled with wildflowers from Brooklyn --
157. 6:39also added in a little bit of lavender and sage to keep us grounded
158. 6:43because we were so nervous.
159. 6:45And it was put together by a sweet sister healer friend of ours.
160. 6:48I never wanted a diamond ring,
161. 6:50because conflict and convention are not my thing,
162. 6:53so my ring is the deepest purple,
163. 6:54like the color of my crown chakra,
164. 6:56and set in place with my birthstones.
165. 6:59The gift of queerness is options.
166. 7:01I never had to choose his last name,
167. 7:03it was never an exception,
168. 7:04but I did because I am my father's bastard child,
169. 7:08someone who has always been an apology, a secret, an imposition.
170. 7:12And it was incredibly freeing
171. 7:14to choose the name of a man who chose me first.
172. 7:17(Applause)
173. 7:24TM: So we told some family and some close friends,
174. 7:28many of whom were still in disbelief as we took our vows.
175. 7:32Fittingly, we posted all of our wedding photos on Facebook,
176. 7:35where we met --
177. 7:36and Instagram, of course.
178. 7:38And we quickly realized
179. 7:40that our coming together was more than just a union of two people,
180. 7:43but was a model of possibility for the millions of LGBTQ folks
181. 7:47who have been sold this lie
182. 7:48that family and matrimony is antithetical to who they are --
183. 7:51for those of us who rarely get to see ourselves
184. 7:54reflected in love and happiness.
185. 7:56KKM: And the thing is,
186. 7:57absolutely we are marginalized because of our identities,
187. 8:00but it also emboldens us to be the people that we are.
188. 8:04Queerness is our major key;
189. 8:05blackness is our magic.
190. 8:07It's because of these things
191. 8:09that we are able to be hopeful, open, receptive and shape-shifting.
192. 8:14These are the things that give us,
193. 8:16and are such an incredible source of, our strength.
194. 8:19Our queerness is a source of that strength.
195. 8:21I think of the words of Ottawa-based poet Brandon Wint:
196. 8:25"Not queer like gay; queer like escaping definition.
197. 8:29Queer like some sort of fluidity and limitlessness all at once.
198. 8:33Queer like a freedom too strange to be conquered.
199. 8:36Queer like the fearlessness to imagine what love can look like,
200. 8:40and to pursue it."
201. 8:42TM: We are part of a community of folks --
202. 8:44Yeah, that's good right?
203. 8:45(Laughter)
204. 8:48We are part of a community of folks who are living their authentic selves
205. 8:52all along the gender spectrum,
206. 8:54despite the ubiquitous threat of violence,
207. 8:57despite the undercurrent of anxiety that always is present
208. 9:00for people who live on their own terms.
209. 9:02Globally, a transgender person is murdered every 21 hours.
210. 9:07And the United States has had more trans murders on record this year
211. 9:13than any year to date.
212. 9:15However, our stories are much more than this rigid dichotomy
213. 9:19of strength and resilience.
214. 9:20We are expanding the human complexity on these margins,
215. 9:24and we are creating freedom on these margins.
216. 9:28KKM: And we don't have any blueprints.
217. 9:30We're creating a world that we have literally never seen before;
218. 9:34organizing families based on love and not by blood,
219. 9:38guiding by a compassion that so few of us have been shown ourselves.
220. 9:42So many of us have not received love from our families --
221. 9:46have been betrayed by the people that we trust most.
222. 9:49So what we do here is we create entirely new languages of love.
223. 9:54Ones that are about creating the space for us to be our authentic selves
224. 9:58and not imposing this standard
225. 10:00of what masculinity or femininity is supposed to be.
226. 10:04TM: We are interested in love and inclusion
227. 10:07as a tool of revolutionary change, right?
228. 10:10And the idea is simply,
229. 10:11if we drop all our preconceived notions
230. 10:13about how somebody is supposed to be --
231. 10:16in their body, in their gender, in their skin --
232. 10:19if we take the intentional steps to unlearn these deep-seated biases
233. 10:22and create space for people to be self-determined,
234. 10:25and embrace who they are,
235. 10:26then we will definitely create a better world than the one we were born into.
236. 10:30(Applause)
237. 10:37KKM: We want to mark this time in history
238. 10:39by leaving evidence of the fact that we were here.
239. 10:43We open up little windows into our relationship
240. 10:46for our community to bear witness,
241. 10:47and we do this because we want to make maps to the future
242. 10:50and not monuments to ourselves.
243. 10:53Our experience does not invalidate other peoples' experience,
244. 10:57but it should and necessarily does complicate this idea
245. 11:00of what love and marriage are supposed to be.
246. 11:04TM: OK, now for all the talking,
247. 11:06and inspiring,
248. 11:08and possibility-modeling we've done,
249. 11:09we've been nowhere near perfect.
250. 11:11And we've had to hold a mirror up to ourselves.
251. 11:14And I saw that I wasn't always the best listener,
252. 11:17and that my ego got in the way of our progress as a couple.
253. 11:20And I've had to really assess these deep-seated, sexist ideas
254. 11:23that I've had about the value of a woman's experience in the world.
255. 11:27I've had to reevaluate what it means to be in allyship with my wife.
256. 11:31KKM: And I had to remind myself of a lot of things, too.
257. 11:34What it means to be hard on the issues,
258. 11:36but soft on the person.
259. 11:38While we were writing this, we got into a massive fight.
260. 11:42(Laughter)
261. 11:45For so many different reasons,
262. 11:47but based on the content about our values and our lived experiences --
263. 11:52and we were really hurt, you know?
264. 11:53Because what we do and how we love puts ourselves entirely on the line.
265. 11:59But even though the fight lasted over the course of two days --
266. 12:02(Laughter)
267. 12:04We were able to come back together to each other,
268. 12:07and recommit to ourselves, to each other and to our marriage.
269. 12:11And that really yielded some of the most passionate parts
270. 12:14of what we share with you here today.
271. 12:16TM: I have had to interrogate masculinity,
272. 12:18which I think doesn't happen enough.
273. 12:20I've had to interrogate masculinity;
274. 12:23the toxic privileges that come with being a man don't define me,
275. 12:26but I have to be accountable for how it shows up in my life every day.
276. 12:30I have allowed my wife to do all of the emotional labor
277. 12:33of prying open the lines of communication when I'd rather clam up and run away.
278. 12:38(Laughter)
279. 12:39I've stripped away emotional support instead of facing my own vulnerabilities,
280. 12:43particularly around the heartbreaking miscarriage we suffered last year,
281. 12:47and I'm sorry for that.
282. 12:48Sometimes as men, we get to take the easy way out.
283. 12:51And so my journey as a trans person is about reimagining masculinity.
284. 12:56About creating a manhood that isn't measured
285. 12:59by the power it wields, by the entitlements afforded to it,
286. 13:02or any simulacrum of control that it can muster,
287. 13:05but works in tandem with femininity,
288. 13:07and is guided by my spirit.
289. 13:10KKM: Y'all ...
290. 13:12(Applause)
291. 13:16And this has created the space for my femininity to flourish
292. 13:19in a way I had never experienced before.
293. 13:24He never is threatened by my sexuality,
294. 13:27he never polices what I wear or how I act.
295. 13:31I cook but he does way more of the cleaning than I do.
296. 13:34And when we're rushing to get out of the house
297. 13:37and we have so much to handle,
298. 13:38he handles everything,
299. 13:40so I have time to do my hair and makeup.
300. 13:42(Laughter)
301. 13:44He understands that this is my armor,
302. 13:46and he never treats femininity as though it is frivolous or superficial,
303. 13:51and this, and him --
304. 13:53he grows my experience of gender every single day.
305. 13:56TM: I love to watch her get dressed in the morning.
306. 13:59Watching her in the closet,
307. 14:01looking for something comfortable and colorful, and tight,
308. 14:04and safe --
309. 14:05(Laughter)
310. 14:07But it's challenging to watch her negotiate her decisions
311. 14:09looking for something that's going to get the least amount of attention,
312. 14:13but at the same time be an expression of the vibrant and sexy woman she is.
313. 14:17And all I want to do is celebrate her for her beauty,
314. 14:19and the things that make her beautiful and special and free,
315. 14:22from her long acrylic nails,
316. 14:24to her uncompromising black feminism.
317. 14:26(Applause)
318. 14:31KKM: I love you. TM: I love you.
319. 14:32(Laughter)
320. 14:34KKM: There are so many queer and trans people
321. 14:37who have come before us,
322. 14:38whose stories we will never get to hear.
323. 14:41We constantly experience this retelling of history
324. 14:44where we are conspicuously left out.
325. 14:47And it's really hard to not see ourselves there.
326. 14:50And so living out loud for us is about that representation.
327. 14:54It's about having possibility models,
328. 14:57and having hope that love is part of our inheritance in this world, too.
329. 15:01TM: The possibility that we are practicing
330. 15:03is about reinventing time, love and institutions.
331. 15:07We are creating a future of multiplicity.
332. 15:09We are expanding the spectrum of gender and sexuality,
333. 15:12imagining ourselves into existence,
334. 15:15imagining a world where gender is self-determined and not imposed,
335. 15:18and where who we are is a kaleidoscope of possibility
336. 15:21without the narrow-minded limitations masquerading as science or justice.
337. 15:27(Applause)
338. 15:31KKM: And I can't lie:
339. 15:33it is really, really hard.
340. 15:35It is hard to stand in the face of bigotry
341. 15:38with an open heart and a smile on my face.
342. 15:40It is really hard to face the injustice that exists in the world,
343. 15:44while still believing in the ability of people to really change.
344. 15:48That takes an enormous amount of faith and dedication.
345. 15:52And beyond that,
346. 15:53marriage is hard work.
347. 15:55(Laughter)
348. 15:56Piles of dirty socks on the floor,
349. 15:59more boring sports shows than I ever thought possible --
350. 16:03(Laughter)
351. 16:04And fights that bring me to tears
352. 16:06when it feels like we're not speaking the same language.
353. 16:09But there is not a day that goes by
354. 16:11where I am not so grateful to be married to this man;
355. 16:14where I'm not so grateful for the possibility of changing minds,
356. 16:18and rewarding conversations,
357. 16:20and creating a world where love belongs to us all.
358. 16:23I think about our acronym:
359. 16:25LGBTQ2SIA.
360. 16:31A seemingly endless evolution of self and a community,
361. 16:34but also this really deep desire not to leave anyone behind.
362. 16:39We've learned how to love each other,
363. 16:41and we've committed to loving each other throughout changes to gender
364. 16:45and changes in spirit.
365. 16:47And we learned this love in our chat rooms,
366. 16:49in our clubs, in our bars and in our community centers.
367. 16:53We've learned how to love each other for the long haul.
368. 16:56TM & KKM: Thank you.
369. 16:58(Applause)