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여자의 마음을 얻으려고 쫓아다니지 않는 남자들의 심리 — Transcript

by 보통의 심리 · 2,279 words · 390 segments · language ko · Watch on YouTube

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0:00There are men who, even if they like a
0:02woman, won't approach her further if
0:03they realize they are the only one
0:05making an effort.
0:07If there’s no reply, they don’t send
0:10five more texts just to get an answer,
0:13nor do they beg for attention.
0:16They don't struggle to make her like
0:19them either.
0:21When people see such men, they say they
0:23are cold, prideful, or that they didn't
0:26like her that much in the first place.
0:28But you know what? That’s not
0:30necessarily true. Actually, their
0:32feelings might be very deep. Separate
0:34from their feelings, they just don't
0:36want to continue a relationship where
0:38they are the only ones trying.
0:40Do you also tend to step back when you
0:42like someone but realize they don't feel
0:45the same?
0:47If so, today’s story will feel quite
0:49familiar.
0:51Today, I want to talk about why men
0:53don't chase after a woman until the end
0:55, even when they like her.
0:58These men are often called passive or
1:02hard to read.
1:03But the reason isn't as complicated as
1:06it seems.
1:07They want to be respected, they don’t
1:09want to repeat past experiences, and
1:11above all, they want to be with someone
1:13who likes them back.
1:15Oh, one thing needs to be made clear.
1:19Not chasing doesn't mean they never
1:21approach first.
1:23They can strike up a conversation first
1:25and express that they like her.
1:28They might reach out first and make
1:30plans to meet.
1:31They don't hide the fact that they are
1:33interested.
1:34However, once they realize that reaching
1:36out, making plans, and keeping the
1:38conversation going is entirely up to
1:40them, they become reluctant to approach
1:42further.
1:43It’s not like they look in the mirror
1:45one morning and resolve, "From now on, I
1:48will never reach out first."
1:50They notice it bit by bit as similar
1:52things keep happening.
1:55They ask questions and get answers, but
1:57the other person doesn't seem curious
1:59about them at all. If they suggest
2:01meeting, the other person says "let's
2:03meet sometime later," but never says
2:05when they are actually free.
2:07They keep exchanging empty promises to
2:09meet later, but no actual plans are made
2:12. By that point, they stop trying.
2:16It’s not that their feelings suddenly
2:17faded, but through the other person's
2:19actions, they realized she has no real
2:21intention of meeting them.
2:23Studies on relationships also state that
2:26it is important to respond to each
2:27other's interests and exchange feelings
2:29.
2:30Everyone wants to feel that it's not
2:32just them who likes the other person,
2:34but that the other person likes them
2:36back too.
2:37But what if one side keeps reaching out
2:40and trying to keep the vibe alive, while
2:42the other just passively receives it?
2:45At some point, they start to wonder if
2:48they are dating or providing customer
2:51service.
2:52In fact, many of these men used to act
2:54the exact opposite way in the past.
2:56They would have sent another text if
2:58there was no reply, and if there was
2:59still no reply, they would have sent
3:00another.
3:01You might have tried to strike up a
3:03conversation about nothing just to keep
3:05a fading dialogue alive. If you get a
3:07precious reply, you analyze it piece by
3:10piece.
3:11Yesterday they typed "hahaha," but today
3:14they just sent "haha." What’s going on?
3:17Have they lost interest in me?
3:20You stare at your phone, obsessively
3:22looking for meaning in the shorter laugh
3:23, as if you’re conducting an
3:25investigation.
3:26If the other person seemed to be pulling
3:28away, you might have tried even harder.
3:30Because you believed that if you just
3:31put in the effort, things would change.
3:34You thought that if you were more
3:36entertaining, more attentive, and always
3:38there when needed, they would eventually
3:41like you back.
3:43But eventually, you come to a
3:45realization.
3:46You can create opportunities for them to
3:48get to know you, but you cannot force
3:50them to like you.
3:53The Stoic philosopher Epictetus
3:55distinguished between things we can
3:57control and things we cannot.
4:00Expressing my feelings and approaching
4:02someone else is something I can do.
4:05But whether or not they accept those
4:07feelings depends entirely on their
4:08choice.
4:10The fact that I can put in more effort
4:12is a completely different matter from
4:14whether that effort can change their
4:15heart. Of course, being rejected hurts.
4:18If you are sensitive to rejection, even
4:20a slight change in their tone or
4:22frequency of contact can make you
4:24anxious.
4:25However, that doesn't mean you have to
4:26pretend that everything is okay.
4:29What’s important is not thinking that
4:31just because they don't like you, you
4:33must add something to yourself to change
4:35the situation.
4:37So, if their attitude wavers, instead of
4:40mindlessly being nicer, you observe.
4:43Do they reach out first without me
4:45prompting? Do they make time to meet?
4:48Are they only looking for me when they
4:50need a favor?
4:51If you're the only one constantly
4:53reaching out, that's when you step back
4:55.
4:56It’s not about giving up too easily;
4:58it’s about not wanting to keep begging
5:00someone who has no intention of seeing
5:02you.
5:03There are other reasons for thinking
5:05this way as well. You’ve experienced how
5:08exhausting it is to constantly have to
5:10prove yourself to someone.
5:12Perhaps you used to believe that to be
5:14loved, you had to earn it with that much
5:16effort.
5:17You probably thought you needed to be
5:20funnier, cooler, and more successful.
5:23You thought you should always be
5:24available whenever they want to meet and
5:26ready to help as soon as they need
5:28something.
5:29When you live like that, you constantly
5:31feel like you are being evaluated, even
5:32in a relationship.
5:34Instead of showing who you really are,
5:37you keep manufacturing a version of
5:39yourself they might like.
5:42All while thinking that if you become
5:44flawless, you won’t be rejected.
5:47But no matter how well you do, you
5:49cannot be loved by everyone. In the
5:52process, the questions you ask yourself
5:54change.
5:56It shifts from "What should I do to make
5:58this person like me?"
6:00to "Does this person also like me?" This
6:02difference is significant. Before, they
6:05only cared about winning the other
6:07person over, but now they’ve started to
6:09look at how they are being treated as
6:11well.
6:12Whether they go three days without
6:14contact and then act like nothing
6:16happened, whether they keep canceling on
6:18me while meeting others just fine, or
6:20whether they only get affectionate when
6:22I’m about to give up—even if they look
6:25calm on the outside, they might be
6:27thinking these things on the inside.
6:29Hmm, yeah. Is it okay for this person to
6:32treat me like this?
6:34Do I really like this person?
6:36Do I just want to be validated by making
6:38them like me?
6:40Since I’m the only one doing this even
6:42before we start dating, would things
6:44really change once we do?
6:46Just because they’re thinking this way
6:48doesn’t mean they’ve closed off their
6:50heart.
6:52They might just be checking if it’s okay
6:54to date this person instead of being
6:55swayed solely by their feelings.
6:59And stepping back can also come from a
7:01desire to respect the other person.
7:04If the other person says they aren’t
7:06interested, they accept that at face
7:08value.
7:09They don’t hear a rejection and think, "
7:12I just need to convince them from now on
7:14."
7:16They don’t interpret things in their
7:18favor, thinking the other person is
7:20drawing a line because they actually
7:22want me to be more aggressive.
7:26It’s because they know a relationship
7:28can only last if both sides want it.
7:30What they want isn't interest that was
7:33obtained at any cost.
7:35They want the other person to also want
7:36to reach out and meet them because they
7:38genuinely like them.
7:40Rather than a reluctant reply triggered
7:41by sending a question mark just seven
7:43minutes after no response, they want the
7:45other person to reach out first because
7:47they were on their mind.
7:49Instead of a meeting barely set up after
7:51asking nine times, they want a date
7:53where the other person also makes time
7:55because they want to see them.
7:57But once they stop chasing, the people
7:59around them start giving their two cents
8:02.
8:03Try reaching out just one more time. If
8:04you really like them, you should put in
8:06that much effort.
8:08They say women like persistent men. Then
8:11they start to think things like this.
8:14I’ve already asked twice and been
8:16rejected twice, how much more do I have
8:19to do? At this point, should I film my
8:21quest as a documentary?
8:24In reality, what they want isn't
8:26anything grand. They just want to meet
8:28someone who expresses they like them,
8:31reaches out first before they have to
8:33feel sad and ask, and tries to
8:35coordinate schedules when making plans.
8:38It’s not that they want a woman to chase
8:40after them. They just don't want to be
8:42the only one putting in the effort to
8:44maintain the relationship.
8:46If a person like that has opened their
8:48heart to someone, they likely thought
8:49about it very carefully.
8:52Because they wouldn't give the same
8:54heart to just anyone simply for liking
8:56how they look.
8:57They must have watched to see what kind
8:59of person they really are.
9:02You probably checked whether their
9:04attitude changes with their mood, how
9:06they treat others, if they keep their
9:09word, and whether you feel comfortable
9:12or always anxious around them.
9:15To others and to me, they’re a decent
9:19person. Please like me. They decided
9:22it's better to be alone than to spend
9:24months trying to persuade someone to
9:25feel that way.
9:27It’s not because they always prefer to
9:29be alone.
9:30It’s because they know that being with
9:33someone who doesn’t cherish them can
9:35feel even lonelier.
9:37However, not every man who says, "I
9:40don't chase after women," feels this way
9:42.
9:43There are some who do nothing at all
9:45from the start because they are afraid
9:46of rejection.
9:48Attachment theory explains that people
9:50with strong avoidant tendencies distance
9:52themselves when they feel they might get
9:54hurt by becoming close to someone.
9:58If they never approach anyone, never
10:00express their feelings, and try not to
10:02risk even the slightest chance of
10:04rejection, it’s a different story.
10:07If they cut ties simply because they
10:09aren't sure of the other person's
10:11feelings, it may be out of fear of
10:13getting close rather than self-respect.
10:16People who form healthy relationships
10:18also take courage.
10:20Even knowing they could be rejected,
10:22they express interest, try to make
10:24things work, and sometimes show their
10:26vulnerable sides.
10:29It’s just that if the other person says
10:31no, they don’t spend months begging them
10:33to change their mind.
10:35Being able to express feelings, but not
10:37continuing a one-sided relationship.
10:40Being unable to express feelings at all
10:41because of the fear of rejection. These
10:43two things must be distinguished.
10:46Viewed this way, the reason they don’t
10:48chase a woman they like to the very end
10:50becomes clearer.
10:52It could be because they want a
10:53relationship where both people like each
10:55other.
10:56It could also be because they've learned
10:58that effort alone cannot change someone
11:00else's heart.
11:01It might be because there are other
11:03important things in their life besides
11:05dating.
11:06They have friends, work, health to
11:08manage, hobbies they enjoy, and goals
11:11they want to achieve.
11:14Just because a woman they like appears
11:16doesn't mean they want to push all those
11:18things aside and cling only to that
11:19person.
11:22They know that while rejection hurts,
11:25one person not liking them doesn't make
11:28them a worthless person.
11:31Therefore, you cannot conclude that they
11:33are cold-hearted just because they don't
11:35send constant messages.
11:36It might not be about pride or playing
11:39hard-to-get.
11:41And you can't assume they like you less
11:43than someone who sends 15 texts in a row
11:46.
11:47They simply know that trying to convince
11:49someone to keep liking them isn't the
11:52way to have the relationship they want.
11:55If they meet someone they match well
11:57with, they wouldn’t need to act like a
11:59salesperson, explaining their merits
12:01every day to justify why you should meet
12:03.
12:04Of course, that doesn’t mean they
12:06shouldn't put in any effort at all.
12:09You need to be there when needed, talk,
12:11and show your feelings honestly. You
12:14must also have the courage, even if you
12:16might get hurt.
12:17However, you don't have to shoulder all
12:19the effort that two people should share
12:21by yourself.
12:23A philosopher named Kant once said
12:25something like this.
12:27That you should not treat others, or
12:30even yourself, merely as a means to an
12:33end.
12:34This is something worth considering in
12:36relationships, too.
12:38If you think it's fine to sacrifice your
12:41own feelings and life just to be loved
12:43by someone, aren't you treating yourself
12:46too poorly?
12:48Just as they have no obligation to like
12:50you, you have no obligation to keep
12:53waiting.
12:54While respecting their feelings, you can
12:56decide for yourself how much more effort
12:59to put in.
13:00What he is trying to stop is not the act
13:02of liking someone.
13:04It is the act of struggling to win over
13:07someone who doesn't like you back.
13:10So, if you find someone you genuinely
13:12like, you can approach them first and
13:14express your feelings.
13:15Yet, if you realize the other person
13:18doesn't feel the same, you can step back
13:20.
13:21It’s not because you don’t have feelings
13:23. It is because you know that just
13:25because you like someone, you don't have
13:28to lose yourself just to be loved by
13:31them.
13:32I hope this has helped convey, even a
13:34little, the feelings that have been hard
13:35to put into words.
13:37That is all for today. Thank you for
13:39staying with me until the end.

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