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ليه بنبطل نحب؟ | جون جراي يشرح سر اختلاف الرجل والمرأة | مع هبة السواح — Transcript

by Heba El Sawah | هبة السواح · 22,996 words · 3,359 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00Welcome to a brand new episode of my
0:01brand new podcast and I'm so thrilled
0:03you're listening today. Today's episode
0:05is not just a conversation. For me, it's
0:07a milestone and I'm truly honored that
0:09you're here for it. Whether you're a
0:11parent, a partner, or simply someone
0:14seeking more joy and ease in the
0:16relationships, you are in the right
0:17place. In today's episode, you have a
0:20special and exclusive opportunity to
0:21hear from one of the most influential
0:23voices in the world of relationships.
0:25He's the author of the iconic Men Are
0:28from Mars, Women Are from Venus, a book
0:29that has helped millions of people
0:31transform their vision of love, of
0:33communication, and of emotional
0:35connection. His work has helped couples
0:37grow closer, has helped parents feel
0:39more empowered, and has brought harmony
0:41into countless homes. And it's a true
0:43honor that we have him here with us
0:45today in Cairo. Please welcome Dr. John
0:47Great.
0:48>> It's such a pleasure to be with you.
0:50>> Thank you so much, Dr. John. And I Dr.
0:52John, I need to say like this is such an
0:55extra special moment for me because I
0:57had the privilege of attending one of
0:58your trainings like over a decade ago in
1:01your beautiful home in California and it
1:03left a profound lasting impact on me on
1:06both a personal and a professional
1:08level. So, it's such a joy that I get to
1:09sit with you again today and ask you all
1:11the questions that I'm dying to explore.
1:13Thank you so much for being here.
1:14>> And it's so much fun because it's been
1:16over a decade and my ideas have
1:17continued to grow. So, maybe I'll
1:19surprise you today.
1:20>> You will. I I'm I'm sure about that.
1:23[laughter]
1:23Okay. So, let's start with a question
1:25that I believe many of us have in mind.
1:27So, um your books have helped millions
1:30of people fall in love, right? But my
1:33question is, what do you think makes
1:35people fall out of love even if they
1:36think that they're making everything
1:38right? And what are the early signs for
1:40that?
1:41>> Well, actually, I help people fall in
1:43love, but what I do is help people stay
1:44in love. That's my expertise. Everybody
1:46falls out of love and they don't
1:48understand why it was so easy in the
1:51beginning. When you meet someone in a
1:53more romantic setting, man meets woman,
1:56woman meets man with all the
1:58possibilities of what can happen. Your
2:01brain makes a lot of dopamine.
2:02>> Yeah.
2:03>> And dopamine is reward. And when you
2:05make a lot of dopamine, you're kind of
2:07on drugs. And what happens for men when
2:11the dopamine goes high is a biological
2:14change takes place where his
2:15testosterone levels become close to 20
2:19times higher than a woman's.
2:20>> Wow.
2:21>> Now, normally for a man just to feel
2:23good, his testosterone levels need to be
2:25about 10 times. When a man feels very
2:28confident like he's helping someone, it
2:30will go up. So, right now, my
2:32testosterone levels just in this
2:33interview will have doubled. It gives me
2:36more energy. gives me more focus. I have
2:38more aliveness because and only because
2:40I know how to do what I do. If I have
2:42confidence, testosterone goes up. If
2:45someone needs my help, where I feel I'm
2:47helping someone, testosterone will go
2:49even higher.
2:50>> It literally doubles. Now, when a man
2:54meets a woman in the beginning where he
2:55thinks maybe she's my type, maybe
2:57something's going to happen, she's
2:58feeling, oh, something can happen. That
3:01newness stimulates high dopamine.
3:04And once familiarity sets in, once there
3:08your routine living together, the
3:09newness goes away. So men don't get free
3:12testosterone.
3:13Now men feel testosterone when they feel
3:16successful. Now the other hand is when
3:19women experience the newness of a
3:20relationship, another hormone gets
3:23produced. That's called estrogen. And
3:25for a woman to have romantic feelings,
3:27her estrogen levels need to double
3:29normal. And normal for a woman would be
3:3210 times more estrogen than for a man.
3:36>> And if she's stressed, anytime a woman's
3:38not happy, her estrogen is low.
3:40>> Anytime a man is not happy and loving
3:42and supportive, his testosterone is low.
3:45And that in itself is very important
3:47because the whole Mars Venus approach to
3:49relationships can be simplified to men.
3:53You have to understand women are
3:54different. And if you do things that
3:56will raise her estrogen, she'll love you
3:57more. She'll fall in love with you again
3:59and again and again. Likewise, if women
4:02know how to communicate to a man to
4:04raise his testosterone, he will fall in
4:07love again and again and again.
4:08>> Yeah.
4:09>> It's all in the biology. You cannot
4:12control it directly. You control it by
4:14the way you communicate and the way you
4:16interact with each other.
4:17>> Okay. So, so basically when we fall out
4:19of love, it's it's a man falling out of
4:21or like getting the testosterone is
4:23depleted and the woman's estrogen is.
4:25>> That's exactly right.
4:27>> Yeah. That's interesting.
4:28>> It's all biology.
4:29>> And what are the early signs for that?
4:32>> Well,
4:34generally when men start becoming
4:36irritable, angry, passive, they have
4:39less attentiveness, they have less
4:41interest in you. Because see, new and
4:43different stimulates interest, focus,
4:46wanting to help and so forth. So when a
4:49man starts becoming less interested in
4:51you,
4:52>> which all women notice after a few
4:54years, sometimes even after a year, he's
4:56no longer asking you questions, he's no
4:59longer interested in what you're saying.
5:01He's more passive. And women often find
5:04that if you complain or ask for
5:07something, he becomes a little annoyed
5:08and irritated. Those are all signs that
5:10you he's not in love. He loves you. Now,
5:13this is very important. Doesn't mean he
5:15doesn't love you. It means he can't
5:17fully feel his love. Now, see, there's a
5:20distinction. So many couples stay
5:22together and men are wonderful husbands.
5:24They they do their best, but they can't
5:26feel the love. Now, why is that? And
5:28women can either feel love or feel I
5:30don't want to love him. That they that's
5:33very clear for women because when you're
5:35feeling love, your estrogen's going up
5:37and your testosterone is going up if
5:39you're a man.
5:40>> Okay. So, for men, we generally don't
5:42make that much estrogen. Yeah. I was
5:44just uh buying a couple of shirts in the
5:46mall. Thought I have a souvenir. And
5:49it's not like I don't have enough
5:50shirts, but anyway, but I wanted a
5:52little souvenir being here. And the
5:54three men in the counter at the counter
5:56all looked angry. And I pointed out to
5:58my friend, they look angry, but they're
6:00not angry. That what happens is for
6:02many, many women, they think their
6:04husbands are angry. When they're not
6:06angry, they're just not in touch with
6:08their emotions.
6:09>> Okay? Because when a man experiences
6:11moderate stress, we have something in
6:14our brain which are called mirror
6:15neurons. Are you familiar with that
6:16word? Mirror neurons. Okay, it's a
6:18science and not everybody understands
6:20it. So, let me explain it.
6:22>> When I take my children to the zoo, I
6:24could care less about going to the zoo,
6:26but for them it's new and different. I
6:28can feel the joy they have. When my
6:30children are happy, my grandchildren now
6:32are happy. I feel so happy. I can feel
6:35what they feel. And when they're sad, I
6:37can feel what they they feel sad. When
6:40your wife is sad, you can feel what
6:42she's sad. When she's happy, you can
6:44feel when she's happy. And whenever a
6:46woman is happy, not only can men not
6:49feel, he can feel her happiness, but he
6:51also experiences his testosterone going
6:53up.
6:54>> So this is what women have to know is
6:56anytime you're happy, his testosterone
6:58will go up.
6:58>> Yeah. Because he feels successful.
7:00>> That's right. That's right. And but when
7:02he's experiencing moderate stress, okay,
7:04so when when things are a little
7:05challenging for him, but he's still
7:07confident but challenged, his mirror
7:09neurons close.
7:11>> Oh,
7:11>> anytime a woman says, "We need to talk."
7:14Immediately, his mirror neurons will
7:15close. He cannot feel what she feels.
7:18And she will feel he's not listening, he
7:20doesn't care. Because when women uh are
7:23stressed, moderate stress, they need to
7:26talk.
7:26>> Yeah.
7:26>> If they don't talk, their stress will go
7:28higher and higher.
7:29>> That's right.
7:30>> Not men. If he doesn't talk, it's fine.
7:32But for her, if she can talk about her
7:35feelings and somebody stays interested,
7:38somebody cares, somebody has some
7:40empathy, uh she will feel better very
7:43quickly. But the way men are designed
7:45under moderate stress and anytime a
7:47woman talks about problems, uh he's
7:49going to feel, oh, you're stressed, I
7:51want to help you. So now his brain
7:53becomes optimistic and that but he
7:56disconnects from any emotion. So his
7:58optimism is, "Oh, don't be upset. Oh,
8:00you're making a big deal out of nothing.
8:02It's no problem."
8:03>> And it drives us crazy that
8:04>> it drives you crazy. But that's his
8:06brain has to go to solving problems
8:09>> because his testosterone when there's a
8:11little problem, his testosterone will go
8:12up and his brain will go, "Oh, a problem
8:14I can solve." That will always make a
8:16man go into the uh problem solving mode.
8:20>> Yeah.
8:21>> Makes his testosterone go higher
8:23temporarily. It won't stay high. And it
8:25disconnects from his emotions. So look
8:28at our brain. When when when I
8:29experience moderate stress, a man does.
8:31They've tested this. And what is
8:33moderate stress is anything that
8:34produces adrenaline.
8:36Cortisol is high stress. But when a man
8:38produces adrenaline, his testosterone
8:40gets a boost. He has blood flow go to
8:42the left prefrontal cortex. He will see
8:44the optimistic solution. He will always
8:47go, "Don't worry, no big deal. It's not
8:49a problem." Then when she says, when she
8:52starts to argue with him, now that's not
8:54moderate stress. Now that's cortisol.
8:56And at that point he will have strong
8:58emotion but still he can't feel what you
9:01feel. He will feel more what he feels
9:03which is not good because when a man has
9:05negative emotion it always means that
9:08his testosterone is going down and his
9:10estrogen's going up. When I have
9:12positive emotion it means my
9:13testosterone is going up and I'm
9:16connecting to your feelings and my
9:18estrogen's going up. This the best thing
9:20is when you have the balance of both the
9:22hormones in your body. So how do you
9:24avoid this? This is the technique. You
9:26know, I have techniques for all this,
9:27but they don't make sense unless you
9:29understand the biology. So, every day
9:32for 10 minutes, a woman checks in with
9:34her husband and and it doesn't even say,
9:36"Let's talk." Because if you say to a
9:38man, "Let's talk." Immediately, he
9:40doesn't know how long this is going to
9:41take. He doesn't know if he's the
9:43problem. He doesn't know if he's going
9:45to have a complaint about him. And
9:47usually women when they talk to men,
9:48they're going to complain about him. If
9:50you talk to a man and complain to him,
9:53even it's a little thing, his brain, the
9:55mirror neurons will close. If you ever
9:58blame a man for anything, just know he
10:00can't connect with you.
10:02>> But what you can do is you can
10:03experience connection with the man
10:05because it's connection that lowers
10:07women's stress. So when a woman is
10:09stressed, moderate stress, you can
10:11measure blood flow in her brain and it
10:14increases not only doubles but sometimes
10:16triples to the emotional part of the
10:18brain. Whereas for a man, if he feels,
10:21oh, there's a problem and I'm supposed
10:22to solve it, blood flow will stop to
10:25that part of the brain unless
10:28she lets him know that she needs to
10:29talk, it's only going to be 10 minutes.
10:31And she's not going to blame him for
10:32anything. She doesn't expect him to
10:34change anything. And she even prefaces
10:36it by, "It's not a big deal. I just need
10:38to talk. And if I talk and you listen,
10:42don't say anything, I'll feel better."
10:44Now most women have no idea that they
10:46can feel better by talking and have a
10:48man say nothing because when over even
10:51though from men from Mars women have
10:52said they say now I just don't need you
10:54to solve anything but still what I found
10:57out later is women still want you after
10:59you don't solve anything we're supposed
11:01to be like a girlfriend and go oh I
11:02understand that's terrible that's bad
11:04whatever you're upset about little
11:07things he can't have those feelings he's
11:09detached but if he's listening and he's
11:12not expected to say anything.
11:15Just just listen. Then his brain
11:17relaxes. The mirror cells open up and he
11:20actually begins to feel what you feel.
11:22And this is the sweetest thing. Like
11:24those men behind the counter, there was
11:26no feeling it. They looked like they
11:27were angry men. But see, I understood
11:29they weren't angry. They're just on the
11:31on the left side of the brain. They're
11:32not connecting to the right side of the
11:34brain where there's emotion.
11:35>> Yeah. Interesting. But what if I want to
11:38talk about something that is really
11:40upsetting me? Something that he did.
11:42>> Yeah. It's a mistake.
11:43>> And so I want to listen to something
11:44from him. I just
11:46>> I know that's because you haven't tried
11:47this technique.
11:48>> Okay.
11:49>> Okay. You want to feel connection, but
11:50what you just described is the next
11:52question that women always have. I could
11:54have answered it, but I knew you were
11:55going to ask it. [laughter]
11:56>> What if I want him to change?
11:58>> Now, how do you feel if I want you to
12:00change?
12:01>> No, I don't want him to change, but I
12:02want him to ch to to like do like he's
12:05doing something that maybe is hurting me
12:07or
12:08>> That's right. So, you want him to stop
12:09doing that.
12:09>> Yeah.
12:10>> Okay. So, let's say you're hurting. What
12:11if I say to you, you shouldn't hurt? Do
12:14you want me to do that?
12:15>> No.
12:15>> Okay. Because logically speaking, you
12:17shouldn't hurt. Do you know the part of
12:19the brain that says, "I feel hurt." It's
12:20a two-year-old in your brain.
12:22>> Yeah.
12:22>> You're a grown-up woman.
12:24>> You don't need to say that, but you
12:25think you do, and you still do because
12:27when a woman is upset, the two-year-old
12:29part of her brain will start being
12:31activated. So, she will basically say,
12:33"I need to tell you to stop what you're
12:35doing." Well, how do you do that in a
12:37way where men can hear? Because as soon
12:39as you use the classic psychological
12:41phrase, when you do this, I feel hurt.
12:43Every psychology class is the beginning
12:45of ruining every relationship IME
12:47messages as if just cuz I and and using
12:50IME messages are good. Like I I love you
12:52so much. I'm so happy to be with you. I
12:55really like what you just did. Or what I
12:57would like is this. That's a powerful I
12:59message. So he stepped on your foot. It
13:01hurts. You basically
13:04you say to him, "Honey, I'd like you to
13:06not step on my foot. this is what I
13:08would like. You're dancing too close.
13:10You make a request. Every single
13:13complaint you have is a request just
13:16done poorly. And if you back up your
13:18request with a strong emotion, and
13:20there's nothing stronger than saying, "I
13:23feel hurt."
13:24>> As soon as you say, "I feel hurt," he is
13:26your hero. And if he's your hero, his
13:28testosterone stays up. He's more
13:30flexible. He's more attentive. He's more
13:32supportive. And as soon as you feel, "I
13:34feel hurt." And even that's what you're
13:36feeling, you just don't say it. You
13:38basically process your feelings with a
13:39girlfriend. My husband hurts my
13:41feelings. You talk to your coach. I feel
13:43hurt. If you have a good therapist, they
13:44say, "Well, when in your childhood did
13:46you feel hurt?" Because anytime you're
13:48feeling hurt, it's the two-year part of
13:50two-year-old part of your brain.
13:51>> You don't need to be you're an adult
13:53with him. You want an adult
13:54relationship. Don't use emotions to
13:56manipulate a man. And that's what I'll
13:59say. It's manipulation. and you back it
14:00up with emotion as opposed to just
14:03positive feelings, which is, "Hey,
14:05honey, you've done this a few times.
14:07This is what I'd prefer." And you don't
14:09do it all the time, but sometimes you do
14:11it. Make it easy. But there's a sense of
14:13mothers that want to scold a man. They
14:16feel they have to use emotions to change
14:18a man. And after a while, men have no
14:20energy when they come home because
14:22they're no longer a hero. You know, men
14:24will be tired. They come home. One of my
14:26one of my clients, she says, "Why is it
14:28my husband whenever he's around me, he's
14:30tired?" But if he if one of his guy
14:32friends calls, he pops up. Oh, I want to
14:34go golfing or oh, I want to go do this.
14:36Oh, I want to do that. He has all the
14:37energy in the world.
14:39>> Because women suck a man's energy out if
14:42she's not happy with him. And you could
14:44be totally happy with him, but if you
14:46use negative emotions to get what you
14:47want, you have no idea what you're doing
14:49to the man. You're just pulling his
14:51energy out. He feels like, "Oh, it's
14:53like going to a job that you can never
14:55be successful at."
14:57>> And I'll give you evidence of that.
14:58It's, you know, I've been doing this 40
15:00years. And when couples have big
15:01problems, and this men will feel this at
15:03every stage of a relationship going
15:05worse and worse.
15:07>> You say to the man, "What's the bottom
15:08line? You know, why do you want to
15:09divorce?" He'll always say the same
15:11thing. No matter what I do, she's never
15:13happy.
15:14>> Yeah. It's not enough.
15:14>> And he doesn't realize, and I'll say to
15:16him, it's not all her fault. I'll say to
15:18him, well, what do you do? He says,
15:20"Well, I work hard. I make money. I did
15:23this. I take care of the kids." I say,
15:25"That's not enough. What? I can't do
15:27anything more." I say, "That's why you
15:29feel exhausted and tired is when she's
15:31unhappy and you're already doing
15:33everything you think you can."
15:34>> Yeah.
15:34>> Then there's nothing more you can do.
15:36And so, I can't make her happy. What I
15:39explain to those men and save
15:40relationships over and over is you don't
15:42have to do a lot to make a woman happy.
15:44Whatever you're doing, do a little more.
15:47That's all. has to be a little more like
15:49four hugs a day. See, my wife can be uh
15:53I can take her on a big romantic
15:55vacation, whatever, spend a lot of
15:56money, it will raise her estrogen, but I
15:58can also give her four hugs a day and
16:00she'll get the same amount of estrogen
16:01every day.
16:02>> Yeah.
16:03>> Little things make a big difference. As
16:05as a Mars Venus coach, you know, one of
16:07our best things in Mars Venus that men
16:09really relate to is when I explain you
16:12can give women 24 roses. In a man's
16:14mind, that's 24 points. bring her one
16:16rose 24 times. You'll get a you'll get
16:19the same response every week. Just lots
16:21of little things, you know, the
16:23practical things of men don't realize
16:25when you give a woman a hug, man go,
16:27what do I need hugs for? Maybe some hugs
16:29occasionally with my children or
16:30whatever. But no, I make it a science
16:32because science tells us when you give a
16:34woman a hug for eight seconds, her
16:38estrogen starts to go up and estrogen
16:41lowers her stress. But the biggest one,
16:43that's the little things you do.
16:45Whenever you do a little extra uh of
16:47things, little things that say you see
16:49her, you hear her, you support her, and
16:52then on top of that, you occasionally
16:54plan dates, and you do little extra
16:56things that way. But the key to it that
16:59now we know to be the case is
17:00communication. Now, you're a coach. You
17:03know that women want to come in and talk
17:04about their problems.
17:05>> So, women I for 40 years, women come to
17:07my office, they pay a lot of money just
17:09to have me ask questions. And I'm good
17:11at asking questions because I'm able to
17:14ask questions that help them to feel
17:15their emotions. Yeah. Because whenever a
17:18woman feels safe to reveal her emotions,
17:20her feelings of embarrassment, her
17:22feelings of shame, her feelings of
17:24anger, her feelings of sadness, they're
17:27never going to have me say, "Why would
17:29you feel that?" I'll say, "Tell me more.
17:31>> Help me understand that better. Where do
17:33you think that comes from? What else?
17:35What else makes you feel that way?"
17:37These are powerful coaching phrases and
17:39they work. just because it creates a
17:41context for women to become aware of
17:43what's inside of themselves. I was just
17:46in the shopping mall. It was 80% women.
17:48Why? Because women, they they don't know
17:51what they want. Women lose themselves
17:53all the time. They know what they want
17:54when they're unhappy.
17:56>> But they can't really know what they
17:57want. Like my wife will say, "Let's go
17:58out to dinner." I say, "Where do you
17:59want to go?" She goes, "I don't know."
18:01And then I I'm going to say, "Go here."
18:02She's going to say no the first time.
18:05>> Then I'll say, and I already know she
18:06is. And then I'll suggest another.
18:08She'll say no. And then I'll suggest
18:09another and she'll say no. And now
18:11because she said no three times, she now
18:13knows what she wants.
18:15>> Sometimes you don't know what you want
18:16till you get what you don't want. And
18:18women are really good at seeing what
18:20they don't want. Not so good at knowing
18:22what they want. So what does shopping
18:24do? I was just sharing with somebody.
18:26You see all these women? They're looking
18:27around. They're saying, "I don't want
18:28that. I want that. I don't like that. I
18:30like this." And it's all new and
18:32different. So women just like seeing new
18:33and different. that raises their
18:35estrogen up and they get a chance to be
18:37in touch with themselves of oh I don't
18:39want that oh I would like that and if
18:42men could understand this that would be
18:44so it takes away the frustration because
18:46my wife will say what should we do I'll
18:48make a suggestion and I already know
18:51she's not going to have a positive
18:52response
18:53>> she's going to have a complaint about it
18:55because women love to complain why
18:58complaining produces estrogen but
19:00there's a lot better things to do than
19:02to produce estrogen And if you look
19:04scientifically, this is research on the
19:06brain. When a woman is stressed, she
19:08will tend to have her the the problem
19:11goes over and over and over in her
19:13brain. Yeah. Okay. And it snowballs.
19:15>> It's a snow it snowballs. You got that's
19:17So what it does is that snowball is
19:19rolling down and gathering. And one of
19:21my new techniques, it's not in men from
19:23Mars is because now I've researched
19:25before in the past I said women will
19:26ruminate over and women go, "Oh,
19:29everybody does that." No, men don't.
19:31Okay? But if a man's making estrogen
19:33like he's been feminized, which is what
19:34psychology has done to men, what women
19:36do to men, uh he will ruminate not as
19:39much as her, but he will. And so it's a
19:41momentum. Uh women will feel, oh, I have
19:44so many things to do. I have to do this.
19:45I have to do this. And it's a it's a
19:48pressure on women, particularly when
19:50they're making male hormones during the
19:52day and not making enough female
19:53hormones.
19:54>> Female hormones. What do you feel when
19:56you're making female hormones? happy,
19:58relaxed, peaceful, grateful, trusting,
20:03loving, joyful. That's all the symptoms
20:07of of healthy estrogen levels in a
20:09woman. Yeah.
20:09>> And that's why men marry women because
20:11they [laughter] you meet her and she's
20:13got this new dopamine which raises her
20:15estrogen. And for a while, it's like he
20:17can do no wrong. But once normal life
20:20comes in, routine life comes in and the
20:22newness goes away, you don't get free
20:25estrogen, you don't get free
20:26testosterone. The attraction will go
20:28away, but the love can be there, but you
20:31don't fully feel the love. And women can
20:33feel the love, but and they think, "I'm
20:35such a loving person, yet they'll say,
20:36"If only he would change, I would love
20:38him more. And [laughter] only he would
20:40do this, I would be happy." And your
20:42brain will focus on what's wrong. And
20:45that's what your brain's designed to do.
20:47If you're experiencing stress in your
20:49brain, the brain evolved at a time where
20:52you only felt stress when you're in
20:53danger.
20:54>> Yeah.
20:54>> Now, we have psychological stress, but
20:56you're not in danger.
20:58>> But the brain thinks you're in danger,
21:00and it reacts
21:01>> as if it's a big problem, but it's not a
21:03big problem.
21:04>> So, what psychology does teach us is
21:06that there's
21:08>> u 12 common ways that a man or a woman,
21:12and more so women, uh because they have
21:14higher estrogen. Estrogen makes our
21:16emotions and feelings.
21:18>> Men will have high estrogen if they're
21:20in chronic high stress.
21:22>> Then their testosterone is so low. Their
21:24estrogen is so high. And what everybody
21:26thinks the truth is the opposite over
21:28and over. We now have research showing
21:30that whenever a man is angry, his female
21:33hormones are up and his male hormones
21:35are down.
21:35>> Yeah.
21:36>> And I love teaching this to men in
21:37America because I say men want to be all
21:39manly and they think that being angry
21:41and tough is angry. No. If you're tough,
21:44nothing bothers you. neutrality, cool,
21:46calm, collected, kind, considerate,
21:49thoughtful, you know, but not being
21:51upset. And when a woman gets upset, if
21:54she uses her negative emotion and
21:56complains about him, he will become
21:58upset.
21:59>> Even I'm a master of this, but if my
22:01wife is really upset, I'll get upset,
22:03too. It's just men are naturally
22:05defensive unless they just numb
22:06themselves, you know. But I have a lot
22:09of passion. I have a lot of love in my
22:10heart, you know. This is um but the gift
22:13is because I understand women and we use
22:16these techniques every day. My wife
22:17talks to me. I've taught her how to talk
22:20about other things that are problems.
22:23See what women do is when they go to
22:25their male side and they're all
22:26independent. That's your male side.
22:28They're solving problems all the time.
22:30Out in the world, you can't talk about
22:32your feelings to people. If I'm talking
22:34to my clients and I don't say my hurt,
22:37my feelings are hurt. Or if you're
22:39selling something, you can't say, "Do
22:40you know how frustrating it is for me to
22:42sell this to you? I put so much energy
22:44into this and you didn't buy my
22:45product."
22:46>> See, the work world is all about
22:47service. It's about selflessness. And
22:50anytime you're selfless, you're
22:52producing testosterone. And it doesn't
22:55produce estrogen. When you feel me, when
22:58I'm getting what I want, your estrogen
23:00goes up.
23:01>> Okay? It's the opposite of what people
23:03think. They think, "Oh, being a mother,
23:05a selfless mother is very feminine."
23:07Actually, it's not. You're making
23:09testosterone when you're giving to your
23:11children. And women are designed not to
23:13make be able to make babies unless you
23:15have a man. It takes a man who thrives
23:17in selflessness.
23:19>> See, this is what men are the essence of
23:21masculinity. We're the ones that go out
23:22in the jungle and hunt. We're the ones
23:24that go into battle. We're the ones that
23:26happily go and do the dirty jobs,
23:28dysfunctional jobs, the dangerous jobs.
23:30And our bodies are built for that.
23:32>> All we need is to do that and know that
23:35when I do it, my wife's going to love
23:38me. My wife's going to appreciate me. My
23:40wife's going to be happy. Men will do
23:42anything as long as they know they're
23:44going to get paid. And the payment from
23:46a wife is her happiness that she feels
23:48lucky to be with him. Women today don't
23:50feel lucky with their husband after a
23:52while.
23:52>> They feel like he could do this, he does
23:54this because this is the way the brain
23:56becomes hijacked. This is proven when a
23:58woman experiences chronic stress, blood
24:01flow goes to the part of the brain which
24:03cannot see what's good. Even he does
24:05something good. Oh, he washed the
24:06dishes. Yeah, but he didn't clean this
24:07glass. Oh, he cleaned the room up and he
24:09forgot to pick up this. Her brain will
24:11focus on the negative. Then she'll tell
24:14him and she has the illusion that he's
24:16making her unhappy. No, you make
24:18yourself unhappy and all a man can ever
24:20do is make you happier.
24:23>> That's great. [laughter]
24:26It's great theory, but you got to put it
24:27into practice. This is hard stuff. This
24:30is why people are having so many
24:31problems today. Because see, if you
24:33don't have a man to help you, your brain
24:36is just going to that snowball is going
24:37to go down, down, down, down.
24:39>> How do you stop the snowball? Well, when
24:41people have when a women don't have a
24:42man or don't have a a partnership where
24:45a man will listen, but I'm telling you,
24:47any man will listen if you say to him
24:48these magic words. This is only going to
24:50be 10 minutes.
24:52>> That's why we're doing the interview and
24:53they're all setting up. I keep saying,
24:54"How many minutes is this going to be?"
24:57>> Because if I don't know how long they're
24:59going to take,
24:59>> Yeah.
25:00>> I will be stressed. Yeah.
25:01>> Men have to know how long something. He
25:03have to know what is the destination.
25:04What is the end point here?
25:06>> And you know, you kind of say, well, the
25:08Egyptian uh time period is, you don't
25:10know. Well, just multiply that times 10
25:13and you've got a woman. He doesn't know
25:14how long you're going to talk. And what
25:16he doesn't know is that when she does
25:18talk, if he interrupts, she now starts
25:20all over and she has more to say and
25:21more to say. So when women want to talk,
25:23it's a source of stress for men, if you
25:26just say, "I'm only going to talk for 10
25:28minutes. I just am talking to feel
25:30better." And I will feel better if you
25:33say nothing. Now, normally on Venus, if
25:35we pretended all women from Venus, that
25:37would be very rude to say to another
25:39woman. [laughter] You see, if you have
25:40another woman, if you if you came to me
25:43and I'm a woman and you say, "I just
25:44want to talk and don't say anything. I'm
25:46not interested in your feelings at all."
25:48You would you'd be this person would be
25:50insulted. You know, women, they take
25:52turns talking and sharing and whatever.
25:54Then they get with a man and they
25:55wonder, "Why isn't he always asking me
25:56questions?" [laughter]
25:58>> We don't. We figure if you want to talk,
26:00you'll talk. If you don't talk, you have
26:01nothing to say. And and and if you don't
26:03ask for help, we won't give you help.
26:06See, this is another big difference. Men
26:08do not do anything unless they're asked
26:10to do it. And you think, doesn't he
26:12know? Because women are different. Women
26:14are this is part of their mothering part
26:16is that they look to see what is needed.
26:18What is needed? What is needed? what is
26:20needed and also on their planet if you
26:22if you offer your help to somebody then
26:24they'll help you that's how you ask for
26:26help on Venus you don't say would you
26:28help me you say can I help you and then
26:31you help that person and then they want
26:32to help you and so women are all busy
26:34wanting to help each other knowing
26:35that's how they get help that's not how
26:37men are you might call it the efficiency
26:39gene now I haven't yet science has not
26:42>> proven that one but what science does
26:44prove is that how much men need
26:45testosterone and for men testosterone
26:48goes up when you can do something
26:49quickly. That's what efficiency is.
26:52That's why you've got the men, you know,
26:53excited about driving Ferraris and
26:55Lamborghinis and all that stuff. Loud,
26:57noisy, fast.
26:59>> To me, that's so insecure. Uh, you know,
27:03I used to have all that. I realized it's
27:05just noisy. If you drive a Ferrari,
27:08they're the bumpiest cars you could ever
27:09be in. They're not comfortable. They're
27:11noisy. And it's not going to help a
27:13woman relax. You know, the whole thing
27:15about romance is having a woman feel
27:18safe that I can trust this man to be
27:20there for me.
27:21>> Yeah. I think that's what we're we're
27:22all looking for.
27:23>> Yeah. That's what we being women men are
27:26wanting to look for being the one who
27:27provides safety. And men don't
27:29understand that the way you drive the
27:30car
27:31>> can cause stress to a woman or lower her
27:33stress and she'll love you more.
27:35>> Actually, one of the most powerful ways
27:37to put a woman in a romantic mood is to
27:40drive her in a way that makes her feel
27:42safe.
27:42>> Yeah. Because whenever a woman's in a
27:44car and you're driving, she knows her
27:45life is in danger.
27:46>> Yeah.
27:47>> And so if you drive in a way that's
27:48considerate of her, she will feel, "Oh,
27:51I'm protected by him."
27:53>> Yeah.
27:53>> So with Bonnie, you know, she would
27:55always give driving instructions, which
27:57men don't like. You know, don't tell me
27:59what to do when I'm driving. Nobody
28:00wants somebody giving them advice.
28:02>> Uh it's annoying. So it was hard. She
28:05says, "John, if you're going too fast
28:06and I'm not comfortable,
28:08>> how can I tell you to go slow down
28:10without you feeling controlled?
28:12And I had to think for a while. It
28:14wasn't easy. I realized it's tough for
28:15women to figure out how to control men,
28:17[laughter]
28:18but I came up with the answer for that
28:19one is I said, "Okay, the truth is if
28:23you give me driving instructions because
28:25I'm so focused on driving, it's going to
28:26be a bit annoying. Certainly, you can do
28:28it sometimes, but not all the time." So,
28:31we had a great great solution. I just
28:33anytime you're uncomfortable or you want
28:35to give me advice on what to do, just
28:37grab the handle.
28:38>> Oh, so you're just It's again hand
28:40signals. [clears throat] It's hand
28:41signals and and also in our relationship
28:43if uh my wife passed several years ago
28:47and now I'm remarried so I I moved back
28:49between wife this wife this wife but but
28:52if u
28:54recently like I was one of first to
28:57understand from men when men are under
28:58stress they need to disconnect
29:01they can't connect with a woman at that
29:02time
29:03>> because if I'm under stress that means
29:04my testosterone is low
29:06>> so you need to rebuild
29:06>> so I need to rebuild and I can't rebuild
29:08testosterone in the context
29:10of a relationship where it would
29:12increase estrogen.
29:13>> Yeah.
29:13>> Because when I connect with my wife, my
29:15if I'm successful, my testosterone goes
29:17up and my estrogen goes up. But if I my
29:19testosterone is low, I need to be on my
29:22own. Men need silence. They need
29:24separation. They need to solve problems
29:26that are easy to solve. The great thing
29:29about the Venus talk is she can pull me
29:32right out of the cave. If if I'm over
29:34there watching TV, bothered anytime she
29:36has permission to put up two hands,
29:38which means 10 minutes. That's all I
29:40need. He'll get his energy right away.
29:42It's the most amazing thing. I'll share
29:44my experience. At one time, I'm at
29:45dinner. I'm really tired. I've been
29:47working all day and I just want to go
29:48watch TV. That's the cave time. And she
29:51wants to talk to me at dinner. So, I eat
29:52much faster than her. I said, "I'm going
29:54to go eat now. I'm going to go watch
29:56TV."
29:57>> Yeah, that's interesting.
29:58>> Yeah, it it it blew my mind. I come up
30:00with these ideas and the first time it
30:02works so well. It continues to work. So,
30:04I'm having dinner with my wife and it
30:06was a day where I really tired. I needed
30:08my cave time and so I for me my cave
30:11time I watch the news.
30:13>> It's a psychologic it's been tested for
30:15men. If you can distract your attention
30:17from problems that are bothering you
30:20your stress comes goes down and your
30:22testosterone goes up. And if all I have
30:23to do for me I'm I draw I watch the
30:25news. Uh I know my father used to read
30:28the newspaper. My father used to read
30:30the newspaper. Some men will watch
30:32sports and all these are distractions.
30:35The problem is they lower man's stress,
30:37but then because they feel good, men
30:39don't stop. You know, men can watch all
30:41sports all evening and ignore his family
30:43and whatever and I could just sit and
30:44watch the news forever. No, he needs to
30:47have a woman who pulls him out of the
30:49cave.
30:50>> Okay, so how do you pull me out of the
30:51cave? You would just simply say, "John,
30:54when you have time, I need your help."
30:57Immediately he's going, "What is it?"
30:58You say, "Oh, when you have time, I need
30:59your help." Well, he'll say, "Well, what
31:01is it?" Because he doesn't want to keep
31:02waiting to do that. And then you say,
31:04you put up two hands and it says,
31:06"That's enough. He knows what what you
31:08need. What you need is his help to lower
31:11your stress by listening to what you're
31:13feeling." So, we're having dinner and my
31:15wife,
31:17you know, I said, "I just need to go
31:18watch TV." We're talking about a man who
31:20can't hear another word. And and I said,
31:24she said, "Okay, you go." And then she
31:25goes with a big smile. She puts up her
31:27hand. She knows she has all power cuz I
31:29agree. If ever she puts up two hands, I
31:31will give her 10 minutes. I love my
31:32wife. What man won't do it once he
31:34understands he can't fail? It will only
31:36help her. And it's only 10 minutes.
31:39>> So she put up her hands. 10 minutes. I'm
31:41telling you, I was so exhausted and
31:43tired and in one moment my testosterone
31:46shot up.
31:46>> Yeah. So she just showed you there.
31:48>> That's it. I just know this means I can
31:50win. I can make my wife happy and it
31:52will only take 10 minutes.
31:54>> And there's another technique that that
31:56I suggest
31:58>> and this is the five minutes. Okay. So
32:01this is every day and sometimes women
32:03won't do it because they're afraid to do
32:05it but it will work and men will agree
32:06to it. You just have to discuss it in
32:08advance. This is the five minute uh
32:11action request. Women need to feel that
32:14they can at any time ask a man to do
32:16something and he will come alive.
32:18>> Then you have like you're living with a
32:19a fireman, you know, ready to put out
32:21the fire. And men will start becoming
32:23sedated. We'll ignore you and we're just
32:25doing our own cave time activity. And my
32:27wife would do this. Now, when she puts
32:29up five fingers, what that means is
32:32she's gonna ask me to do something that
32:34she could do for herself, but she's
32:36asking me to do it. And it may only take
32:38two minutes, may take three minutes, but
32:40no more than five minutes.
32:41>> Yeah.
32:42>> So, what it would look like is she does
32:44this occasionally. It can't be the same
32:45thing over. It can't be routine. If it's
32:47something is routine, we habituate. So,
32:50he no longer produces testosterone. You
32:52know these books, these uh again these
32:55psychologists they say oh men you should
32:57do more female things around the house
32:59like vacuum wash the dishes and these
33:01things and that's going to create more
33:03romance and research shows the first
33:05three or four times you do it will
33:07create romantic hormones but then it
33:09becomes routine.
33:09>> Yeah.
33:10>> And you get no extra bump on hormones.
33:13>> So the science tells us that if you do
33:15something unexpected, something new and
33:17different, he'll get a bump of
33:19testosterone, she'll get a big bump of
33:20estrogen. So, these are these are
33:23requests that a woman would never ask
33:24for. Here's an example. I'm already
33:27falling asleep and my wife walks into
33:28the bedroom with a big smile on her
33:30face.
33:31>> She says, "John, would you get me a cup
33:33of water?" Warm water. And I
33:35immediately, because I know how powerful
33:37this technique is, I go, "As you wish."
33:39Right away, just as if she's the most
33:41important person in the world and the
33:43fire, the house is on fire. So, I jump
33:45up. I go get that. I even to score extra
33:48points to raise her estrod more. I'll
33:50run. Women love to feel a man jumping
33:54for her need. This is what romance is
33:56all about, which is men doing things for
33:58women without grumbling, without
34:00complaining, without postponing. You
34:02know, as a wife, think about how many
34:04times you ask your husband to do
34:05something and he forgets.
34:07>> He's [laughter] just later, later later,
34:09later later. And why do men forget?
34:11>> Yeah.
34:12>> Our brain neurons are different from
34:14women's, which is we only remember
34:16things that produce high dopamine. Women
34:18remember things that produce low
34:20dopamine. And the memory inside of a
34:22woman's brain is twice as big as a
34:23man's. It's the hippocampus. And when a
34:27woman's under moderate stress, three
34:28times more blood flow goes to the
34:30hippocampus. And at that time, her brain
34:32becomes hijacked to only think of
34:34negative things. And if she can't talk
34:36about other negative things because she
34:38doesn't know how valuable that would be,
34:39she'll the brain will just focus on him.
34:42And whatever things that upsetting her
34:43will upset her even more. So now we have
34:46a whole culture now which is modern
34:49culture encouraging men to talk about
34:51their feelings to share feelings express
34:54emotion and I'm not talking about
34:56positive feelings I express love to my
34:58wife all the time even that I have an
35:00amazing technique to fall in love right
35:02away you fall out of love how do you
35:04fall in love so so powerful and this
35:07works with all couples is just getting
35:09the woman to do it and I'll explain it
35:11but first the 10 fingers powerful
35:13technique
35:14>> and then the Five.
35:15>> The five. See, you have to have the
35:17conversation with a man and you have to
35:18explain to him. You could play this
35:20video for him. But the way a woman's
35:22brain is, like you said, is a snowball.
35:25>> Women when they're moderately stressed,
35:26they feel, "I have to do this. I have to
35:28do this. I have to do this." They can't
35:30turn it off. Their brain doesn't turn
35:32off. It ruminates. It goes over. I
35:34didn't do this. He didn't do this. I
35:36have to do this.
35:37>> That just produces more and more stress
35:38in her body.
35:40>> So, it's a momentum. It builds up. So,
35:42think of that snowball. It's building.
35:44It's gathering more things to worry
35:45about. All you have to do to stop the
35:47momentum is three minutes of stopping
35:50it. And what will stop it for three
35:52minutes is simply raise your hand up.
35:55Ask him to do something that you would
35:56never ask before.
35:58>> And it's not predictable. And it seems,
36:00why would you even ask? You know, she
36:01says, "Uh, would you make me a cup of
36:03tea? She's in the kitchen. I have to get
36:05up and go make her a cup of tea." Or she
36:07says, "Would you get the lavender oil?
36:09Massage my feet." That's one that she
36:10could do for herself as well, but it's
36:12much nicer for me to do it. And I run
36:14and I only will do five minutes. It's
36:17always limited to five minutes. And what
36:19man doesn't want to do a job that can
36:21make his wife happy, but he will
36:22experience. And in the beginning, if
36:24she's not happier, she should fake it.
36:27You see, it's just simply let him see
36:28that this makes a difference.
36:30>> But you never find a woman that said
36:32like, I tried this technique and he just
36:33put me off or like
36:34>> I have never seen this.
36:36>> Okay. There's one case, one guy, u he
36:40goes, I don't know, you know, I already
36:41do so much.
36:43>> Yeah.
36:43>> And he does, he's a guy, why should I do
36:45more when I already do so much? And I
36:47point out, yeah, and you're a great
36:50husband. You're already doing so much.
36:52But a woman will habituate. She'll get
36:54you used to that. It's not going to give
36:55that extra bump.
36:56>> And all I'm asking is five minutes. Can
36:59you not give an extra five minutes to
37:01your wife when you understand her
37:02hormones are going to be activated
37:04>> and she's gonna appreciate it afterwards
37:05>> and you're gonna appreciate him
37:06afterwards. It's just like then he'll
37:09you have to convince him a little bit
37:10and it's only because he's a good guy
37:12because he's already doing so much. And
37:14actually men always think we're doing so
37:17much. Uh because that's their biggest
37:19complaint which is I I I give this and
37:21this and this. It's never enough. And
37:23then when he sees she's unhappy in his
37:25mind he's thinking I'm already doing
37:27everything I can. So then he feels
37:29powerless to feel to to make her happier
37:32and when he feels powerless his
37:34testosterone goes down and then he does
37:36less and he's thus interested in her. I
37:38mean literally in the [snorts] beginning
37:40when the newness is there men are so
37:42interested and that interest in a woman
37:44it stimulates so much estrogen you know
37:46see me I got my haircut I'm wearing this
37:48outfit
37:49>> there's this natural attraction
37:50>> the natural attraction is there and now
37:52if we talk about attraction
37:55>> there's something called polarity
37:57>> now polarity is you have a positive pole
37:59a negative pole on a magnet
38:00>> and if you bring a positive and negative
38:02close together it will click
38:05>> that's the attraction now maybe if
38:07they're over here you don't feel so much
38:09but as you get closer it connects and
38:12this is the sweetness of marriage is
38:14that if the woman is making more
38:16estrogen than a man and a man is making
38:18more testosterone than a woman that
38:20polarity will always be there
38:22particularly when you're at at sleeping
38:24together
38:25>> it's a regenerating place it's like the
38:27attraction is there uh you know in the
38:30beginning the attraction is going to be
38:32very strong because the newness is there
38:35but when familiarity sets in interest
38:37goes away unless you have polarity. So
38:40what will make a man so interested is
38:42when you're sharing problems, they're
38:44problems that he would never be upset
38:46about. This is like it and and if you
38:49share a problem at work or the weather
38:51or your you know I remember when I first
38:53started learning about women, I took my
38:55wife on a little getaway, a little
38:57romantic getaway and I'm put I didn't
38:59have a lot of money. I'm putting a lot
39:00of money into it, a hotel room, let's
39:02pay for the restaurant and all that. And
39:04I said to her, I said, uh, as we're
39:07going off, she wasn't excited. And I
39:09said, and I wanted to sort of feel that
39:12she's excited about this. It was a big
39:14deal for me. And I said, "So, how do you
39:16feel? Are you excited to go?" And she's
39:18very honest with me. She says, "I don't
39:21know."
39:22>> Oh,
39:22>> it's just so much trouble to get ready
39:24for these things and get the babysitter
39:26for the kids [laughter]
39:28and organize this and do this. And I
39:31can't remember all the details, but in
39:32her mind, there was a lot of preparation
39:34that goes, as you know, as a woman,
39:35you'll think in advance. What are you
39:37going to wear? What are you going to do?
39:38What restaurant you whatever. So, she's
39:40having to manage everything before. And
39:43I and she wasn't that excited. So,
39:45that's why I was saying, "Aren't you are
39:46you excited?" Hoping she'd say yes. She
39:48says, "I don't know." Immediately, my
39:50testosterone goes down. Now, I said,
39:52"But let me try the experiment. Let me
39:54get her to talk and see what happens."
39:56So, I said, "What the hell?" I said the
39:58magic phrase that every man should
39:59remember. [snorts] Never tell a woman
40:02she shouldn't feel what she feels.
40:03Instead, you say, "Help me understand
40:05that better."
40:06>> Yeah, that's I I I can put this in like
40:09bold point [laughter] now. This is super
40:12important.
40:12>> Just because man wants to do something.
40:14Okay. So, what you can do is note rather
40:16than give advice, rather than be upset,
40:19rather than say, "Well, why are we
40:20bother going if you're not happy?" You
40:23simply ask the question, "Help me
40:25understand that better." She says that
40:27she'll stop talking then say tell me
40:29more. Whenever you ask for a little bit
40:31more more estrogen gets produced. And
40:33the whole time at that time I wasn't
40:36really anticipating such success. My I
40:38was literally my posture was going down.
40:41I was [laughter] just really really all
40:42these things. And at this point you know
40:4440 years later I'm thinking what I
40:47remember the most is when she was done I
40:48said is there more? And she says yes. I
40:50mean just realize when we get home
40:52there's going to be more mail. And every
40:55cell in my body wanted to say everybody
40:57who goes on vacations gets has mail when
40:59they get home. But I didn't. I just said
41:02I didn't say anything. And I said, "Is
41:04that everything?" She said, "Yes." And
41:06then what she did, she's her she just
41:08her whole her posture changed and she
41:10just went up and she says, "So I am
41:13excited about going. She went from all
41:15this and then feeling excited. I thought
41:17some miracle had happened." And for me,
41:20I noticed my energy all came back.
41:22Having done that a few times, seeing
41:25that a woman feels safe to express what
41:27she feels and that she will feel better
41:29afterwards. Now, if she's upset talking
41:32about this problem or this problem, if I
41:34didn't understand women, I think, oh, my
41:36wife, she just Yeah. She's like, what'
41:38you say?
41:39>> A man would say that you're ungrateful.
41:41Like,
41:42>> you're ungrateful. You should be
41:43thankful and you have this and you have
41:44this and you have this. So, now I don't
41:46think that at all. I understand a
41:48woman's biology when she's experiencing
41:50high testosterone, low estrogen, which
41:53is the work world, rushing around,
41:55speeding around, so many things to do,
41:57her brain can't turn off. What will
41:59allow her turn off is to experience
42:01negative emotions, exaggerations, making
42:04a mountain out of a molehill, focusing
42:06on the negative, feeling, you know,
42:08stressed. And I just go, I already know
42:11in my mind if I don't react and I don't
42:13say anything, she's going to be so
42:15grateful to me. Yeah.
42:16>> She'll just be like, "What an amazing
42:18husband I have. He really hears me."
42:19>> I bet she felt this way.
42:21>> Yeah. It's It's amazing. And now because
42:23I know that's going to happen. And I
42:25also know we have a agreement
42:27understanding that if she's upset, 10
42:29minutes is as much as I can listen. Just
42:32understand that's the limit.
42:33>> Yeah.
42:33>> And she says, "All right, you look on
42:34the clock. I'll be done at 10 minutes."
42:36And of course, if she goes a little
42:37over, I don't mind.
42:38>> But see, I have the anticipation knowing
42:40there's an end to it. Knowing that I'm
42:43not seen as the major problem.
42:44Occasionally I'll pop in there
42:45sometimes, but I know that she can talk
42:48without me reacting back. She will
42:50always come back to remembering the good
42:53things about me and the good things
42:55about her life. And now I'm going to
42:57give the biology of that. Literally,
42:59when a woman is stressed, the
43:01hippocampus is the memory part of the
43:03brain. And that part of the brain lights
43:05up when a woman is stressed. She has
43:08three times more blood flow going there.
43:10And think of the hippocampus as like a
43:12big library. Yeah. And it's twice as big
43:14as a man's. It is. That's biology. Her
43:16memory center is twice as big. And it
43:19becomes, you know, oh much more active
43:21than a man's when she's moderately
43:23stressed. So she goes to the library and
43:25the library has two floors. Ground floor
43:28is all the positive memories. Second
43:30floor is all the negative memories. So
43:32when she's not stressed, she lives on
43:34the the ground floor. But if she's
43:36stressed, she gets in an elevator
43:37elevator and goes to the top floor where
43:40all she can remember
43:41>> everything archived. everything uncon.
43:43Yes. Every mistake, every problem. And
43:45men go, "How could she remember that?"
43:47You [laughter] know, it's just And women
43:48are going, "How can he forget to do
43:50these things?" Now we understand. It's
43:52just when men are stressed, they tend to
43:54forget everything. Anything that's
43:56little, they will forget. And it's the
43:58big thing, one big thing, he'll
43:59remember. And usually that's how to how
44:01he's going to make money or a big
44:02problem. And so we will tend to under
44:04moderate stress forget the little things
44:06she asks us to do. And when a man
44:09forgets to do stuff, the way a woman
44:11interprets that and it's hard for her
44:13not to is that she's not important. If
44:15he can't if he forgets the little stuff,
44:17in her mind it looks like this. If he
44:19won't do little stuff, then what if I
44:20really need help?
44:21>> He must not care. He doesn't love me.
44:23When the truth is, if it's a big thing,
44:25he will remember it. It's the little
44:27things men tend to forget unless you
44:29train him. This is all training. Women
44:31men do not have to take this class.
44:33Women have to take it because men are
44:34completely trainable. Women are not.
44:36Yeah. But men are I mean women can learn
44:38how to train him. That's what women will
44:40learn. But it's all within women's power
44:44because so many times women go if only
44:45my husband would read the book. If only
44:47my husband would do this. No. Your
44:49husband is born wanting to make you
44:51happy. Nobody has taught him how to do
44:53it. And you think, well, why didn't
44:54anybody teach him? Because he was taught
44:56in the past all you had to do to make a
44:59woman happy was live in a dangerous
45:00world and work hard and have muscles.
45:03>> That was it.
45:03>> Yeah. Actually, I have a question about
45:04that because um I see it all the time,
45:07especially in my work with women, that
45:09women are now um they're very
45:12successful, they're very capable,
45:13they're thriving at work.
45:15>> Yes.
45:15>> But most of them, they struggle with um
45:18maintaining
45:19>> or even creating polarity. Like I I
45:22really love the talk about polarity.
45:23>> Yeah.
45:23>> And I know that you often talk about the
45:25the the nurture provider dynamic. Uh but
45:28I want to ask you how is this how can we
45:30make this work knowing that now more and
45:33more women are out earning men?
45:35>> Yes.
45:36>> And more and more women are taught
45:37actually not to need anyone and even
45:39more and more men are saying that they
45:41are attracted to independent women like
45:43the the ones that have their own life
45:44and their own passion their own work. So
45:46how can we how can this be relevant?
45:48>> Men don't stay attracted to those women.
45:51>> Yeah.
45:51>> See when a man's testosterone is low he
45:54wants everything to be easy. So if a
45:56woman makes more money, that's less
45:58pressure on him to make money. And so
46:00he's depending on her. Whenever you're
46:02depending on someone, your estrogen goes
46:04up. So men's and men's uh uh sense of
46:07independence and power is only gone down
46:10as women can do more.
46:11>> Oh my god.
46:11>> It's literally his job is easier. And
46:14then these men who find a woman who
46:15makes a lot more money. It's see from
46:17the point of view and I mentioned it
46:18before, we have this efficiency gene.
46:21Yeah.
46:21>> Never. And I I guess I wandered off, but
46:24that is I'm just saying that as a
46:26metaphor, but it's perfectly scientific
46:28because we have a gene that says we're
46:29motivated, confident when testosterone
46:31goes up. And testosterone goes up when
46:33you're being efficient. If you feel
46:35powerful, I can get to the goal fast.
46:37That's why men drive the Ferraris and
46:38Lamborghinis or fantasize about is look
46:40how fast I can go. Look how good I am in
46:43terms of efficiency. Now women don't
46:46have that gene. What women have a gene
46:49which is just give without stopping.
46:51They just give, give, give. That's why
46:52they're more successful in the work
46:54world. The men are going to do less. Men
46:57are always going to go, "What do I have
46:59to do?"
47:00>> Women, when they're unhappy, look at
47:02when they're counseling, you'll hear
47:04this word all the time. I have to do
47:05this. I have to do this. I have to do
47:07this. Because have to actually doesn't
47:10cause causes stress to women. Have to
47:14actually lowers stress for men. When I
47:16realize my wife puts up five fingers, I
47:18have to do this if I want a happy wife.
47:21And jump at it and act like this is the
47:22greatest thing in the world. What I say
47:24to men is for me as a
47:28uh successful person in my town,
47:30everybody knows where I live. It's a
47:31small town outside of San Francisco. And
47:33when I go to my favorite restaurant,
47:35it's also where I have my business
47:36meetings. Um, as soon as I arrive, they
47:39will always intro, "Oh, Dr. Gray, we're
47:41so happy to see you. We've got your
47:43special table for you. Here's some free
47:45champagne and an ordurve from the chef.
47:47They treat me like a king. Really? They
47:49treat me like a queen and I feel like a
47:51happy woman. [laughter] But see, it's my
47:53estrogen goes up when people treat you
47:55in a very special way. Estrogen goes up.
47:57That's right.
47:57>> Well, men have to learn that's how you
47:59have to treat your wife.
48:00>> But you can't treat her that way all the
48:01time. You you've got your own needs or
48:03this or that. But at least every day she
48:05gets to experience she's top. She's
48:07complete queen. You know, she can raise
48:09her hand and it's like you're the
48:11materiest restaurant in town. You got a
48:14special table for her. You'll jump when
48:16she asks.
48:16>> It's the emotions of that. It only takes
48:18a few minutes.
48:19>> Yeah.
48:19>> And this is what women need to feel.
48:21She's the queen. And guess what? Men,
48:23>> you will feel like a king.
48:25>> That's the number one thing is that men
48:27are always comparing each other. Women
48:29are always comparing. This is the why
48:31there's so much stress today with social
48:33media is that you're always see, oh,
48:35they have more. They look happier.
48:36They're not happier. And so much of it
48:38is a deception because people can be on
48:40a vacation, they all take a picture,
48:41they all smile for a minute and then
48:43they go back to not liking each other
48:44and complaining about their hotel. It
48:46always looks better than it is. And so
48:48the brain is comparing and it creates
48:50dissatisfaction. Comparing is the thief
48:52of happiness. It takes it away unless
48:55you have reality. And but social media
48:58is such a a fantasy a fantasy world. And
49:01men, you know, you hear about these
49:03super rich guys, you know, and they got
49:04so much money. It just makes you feel
49:06inadequate because you don't have that
49:08kind of money. You can't provide that
49:10for your wife. And if you have to look
49:11at all these rich people, their wives,
49:13rich men, their wives are very unhappy.
49:15>> You know, the richest men in the world
49:16can't make a commitment, stay with one
49:18woman. They want many women. They they
49:20not because they're Muslim, just because
49:21they want a new and different woman all
49:22the time. You know, there's a uh there's
49:25an unhappiness that happens uh when
49:28people focus just on the material world
49:31uh for their happiness. There's nothing
49:32wrong with more money, but generally
49:34people get caught up in that. And uh men
49:38have their life easy.
49:39>> When life is easy, men don't have to do
49:42stuff. Everyone does stuff for them. And
49:44that weakens their testosterone.
49:46>> And it doesn't make the woman with with
49:48this man feel really like feminine,
49:51right?
49:51>> No, she doesn't feel feminine at all.
49:52She feels like she has to please him all
49:54the time because he's looking at himself
49:56in the mirror all the time. And see me,
49:58see me, look at me. He should be looking
50:00at her. She's the queen. But the point
50:02I'm I'm trying to get to is
50:05>> every man deserves to be king. If you
50:07treat your wife like a queen, she'll
50:09treat you like a king.
50:10>> Yeah, that's
50:11>> and that's the most beautiful thing. And
50:13>> it just because I can compare myself
50:15with others. And yes, I'm very
50:16successful, but there's people always
50:18more successful, people who have more
50:19and everything, but my wife treats me
50:21like a king because I treat her like a
50:23queen.
50:24>> And it's so so key, men. It's just like
50:26you can get what you want from a woman.
50:28Women, you can get what you need from a
50:29man, but you have to apply wisdom.
50:32>> Yeah. Great. So, um I want to go deeper
50:36into something that's become a buzzword
50:37maybe in in today's uh um modern
50:41relationship advice, the feminine and
50:44masculine energy. And like You want to
50:45talk about polarity? And I didn't even
50:47answer that question. I got a little
50:48off. It's when the polarity is whenever
50:50a man's hormones
50:52>> are more masculine and her hormones are
50:54more feminine.
50:55>> Yeah.
50:56>> This is the biology of attraction. And
50:58for people that aren't familiar, some
50:59people aren't familiar with polarity. It
51:00seems common sense to most people. But
51:02it's the positive pole of a magnet, the
51:04negative pole of a magnet. And when they
51:06come close, they get certain. Then
51:08there's a click. That's light my fire.
51:10That's feeling and love. Now, I can't
51:12feel my love for my wife. I love her.
51:14I'll behave in a loving way. But for me
51:17to feel my love, I need to be in her
51:19presence or talking to her where she is
51:21producing more estrogen and I'm
51:23producing more testosterone.
51:24>> That's the only time a man can fully
51:26feel.
51:27>> Women can feel with children. Well, I
51:30can feel with children as well, but when
51:31when someone is vulnerable and depending
51:33on me for something meaningful, I can
51:35feel. Now, when I have audiences and
51:37they need what I have to say, I have a
51:39lot more feeling, but not as much
51:41feeling as with my wife. M
51:42>> and it's and and women go, "Well, some
51:44women think, well, but I appreciate him
51:46a lot and I don't complain about him and
51:48I appreciate him just the way he is, uh,
51:50he'll ignore me." And first of all, let
51:53me point out that when a when a
51:55performer is on stage, they're serving
51:57the audience, right? At the end of their
51:59performance, everybody claps. That's
52:01appreciation. They will bow.
52:04>> Yeah.
52:04>> When you appreciate a man, he will bow
52:06to you. He will respect you more. He
52:08will give you more. Except that
52:12you have to ask. If you if you if you
52:15appreciate a man and you don't get
52:18everything you want, you have to ask
52:20>> because when you appreciate me, I go,
52:22"Okay, I did a good job. Now I can rest.
52:23I can go to my cave."
52:25>> That's how men are. You know, if so,
52:27it's it's contradictory. Women go,
52:29"Well, if I if I give him a lot of love
52:30and appreciate him, uh, he he seems to
52:33not be motivated. If I complain a lot,
52:35he's not motivated. So, what's the
52:37answer? Ask for help in a loving way.
52:40That's what motivates men.
52:41>> I was going to ask you ask for help like
52:42in what way? So that he doesn't feel
52:44controlled or or or managed by his
52:46woman.
52:47>> It's just basically it's not a complaint
52:49and it's not all the time. And what
52:51you'll what you'll experience is your
52:53need to change your man dramatically
52:55changes. You become more accepting. You
52:57become less perfectionist. You become
52:59less demanding. You're you're happier if
53:02every day you feel I can do this and he
53:05will respond quickly. that will just
53:07give you a big surge of estrogen. And
53:09the five to 10 minute thing is a major
53:11source of estrogen for women when they
53:13can share.
53:14>> And so when your estrogen is up, your
53:16stress is down. You can't complain about
53:18life unless it's your life's in danger
53:20if you're not stressed.
53:22>> So this is the remedy. And you know,
53:24people come to you for coaching, they
53:25feel better afterwards, and it lasts a
53:27few days and they come back and they get
53:28some more. Is for women particularly to
53:30share what their feelings are. And what
53:32a what a good therapist will do is help
53:35women to express emotion or men but
53:37mainly for women is get the emotion up
53:39rather than just talk on the surface. Go
53:41a little deeper. Go a little deeper
53:44>> because the more vulnerable you are the
53:46deeper you go uh the more estrogen will
53:48get produced for a woman.
53:50>> Now
53:51so that this is why there's a whole art
53:54to how to share your feelings if you're
53:56a woman. uh my more current books don't
53:58say just talk about your feelings but um
54:01there's a best there's best ways to talk
54:03about your feelings.
54:04>> Yeah because I actually this is very
54:06interesting because I actually had a
54:07question about vulnerability like I know
54:09that there's a lot of talk about the
54:10importance of vulnerability in a
54:13relationship and I'm I'm so with the
54:15emotional openness
54:17but I when does it become more of
54:20emotional dumping?
54:22>> Well whenever it's blaming him it's
54:24emotional dumping.
54:25>> Okay. And when the what if it's the
54:26other way around, if he's the one
54:28talking about
54:28>> Oh, that's what's happened to men today.
54:30And why men do that? Cuz women ask us
54:31how we feel.
54:33>> It's like you've set up this rule that
54:34we're supposed to talk about how we feel
54:35and if we're not, we're narcissist.
54:37>> Yeah.
54:38>> What you want is a man who doesn't talk
54:40about his negative feelings ever.
54:42>> Ever. Never encourage a man to talk
54:44about his negative feelings. And women's
54:45most women when they talk to me, they
54:47say, "Yeah, my husband, he's like
54:48whining and complaining all the time.
54:49He's like a girl."
54:51>> They don't like it. But in the
54:52beginning, they like it. They feel like,
54:53"Oh, he's opening his heart. He's
54:55sharing his feelings and everything."
54:56When you listen to a man's feelings, you
54:59become more masculine. And you're
55:00already too masculine. If you're out
55:01there in the world being successful,
55:03whatever. What you why women need men
55:05today. If you're making plenty of money
55:07and you live in a safe neighborhood, you
55:09know, you hire a guard, whatever.
55:10>> What do you need a man for? You need a
55:12man who loves you, who can connect with
55:14you, and cares about your feelings,
55:16cares about your vulnerability, and
55:18you're able, what it means to be
55:20vulnerable is to be able to share with
55:22your partner things that you don't share
55:24with anybody else because they'll think
55:26less of you.
55:27>> Yeah.
55:28>> See, again, the intimacy of a husband
55:30and wife where she they can dress
55:31together and undress together, put it
55:33that way. That's vulnerable.
55:35>> Yeah. See this whole thing about you
55:37know women in America showing themselves
55:38off. It's no vulner if it's not special
55:41that you share with your partner. It's
55:42not vulnerable.
55:44>> So what what is vulnerability is you
55:46know if you make a mistake at work you
55:48feel embarrassed. You're not going to
55:49tell everybody I feel so embarrassed.
55:51You're going to try to be I'm
55:52successful. I can do this. If you're
55:54afraid and you worry you don't share I'm
55:55worried I'm afraid. You know you have to
55:57show competence and skill. Yeah. You go
55:59to your male side. The female hormones
56:01get produced most when you reveal
56:04something about yourself with someone
56:05that you wouldn't share with anybody
56:07else.
56:08>> See, that's the specialness of a
56:09marriage. You can share anything. But in
56:11the ability to share anything, there's
56:14still wisdom.
56:15>> Don't share all your complaints about
56:17him with him. Share those with your
56:19coach, with your coach, or journal them.
56:22And and and get in touch with your
56:24emotions. And there's a trick you can do
56:26as well. Let's say you feel ignored by
56:28your husband. So, you don't want to go
56:30to your husband and say, you know, I
56:31feel ignored. That would be foolish.
56:33That's just complaining to him.
56:34>> But what you can do is you can raise two
56:36hands. First of all, he won't ignore you
56:38because he already knows it's only 10
56:39minutes. You're not going to complain
56:41about him. And you'll solve the problem.
56:43But at the same time, what you can do is
56:46maybe there's somebody at work who
56:47ignores you. So, you can go to him and
56:50you're talking about your job. You see,
56:51you my boss never talks to me. He's
56:53always ignoring me. He doesn't ask me
56:55anything about myself. And that hurts.
56:57That makes me feel really sad. You know,
56:59I'm afraid to even talk to him about
57:00anything because he'll dismiss me.
57:02You're describing him and your husband's
57:04listening and he's going, "Gee, I kind
57:05of do that to her as well."
57:06>> Oh, will he do think this way? Like he's
57:09going to understand that she
57:11>> That's great.
57:12>> That's how I learned everything I
57:13learned. I listened to women for eight
57:15hours a day complaining about their
57:16husbands. Yeah.
57:17>> And that's what I realized everything
57:18they're complaining about, I do as well.
57:20>> But I could hear it because they weren't
57:22complaining about me.
57:23>> Oh, yeah. That's right. Yeah.
57:25>> Powerful tool.
57:26>> Yeah. So let's talk about modern dating
57:28because I believe certain things have
57:30changed so much now and I see more and
57:34more people who are now in something
57:36that looks like a relationship except
57:38that it doesn't have any sort of
57:40commitment or clarity or security. So
57:44why do you think there's such a rise in
57:46the so-called situationships and and
57:48what's the emotional cost of someone
57:50like spending that long in a
57:52relationship that is undefined?
57:55Well, what's happening is we've been
57:59talking a lot about how women are more
58:01on their male side.
58:03>> And unless a woman is more on her female
58:06side when she's dating and there's ways
58:08to date to use a man to come back to her
58:10female side, it doesn't spark a man's
58:13interest enough to make a commitment.
58:16He doesn't have a sense of confidence
58:17and certainty that this is a woman I
58:19could make happy. Add to that he had
58:22divorced parents or he had an unh
58:24unhappy mother. The message is I've
58:26never seen a woman be happy. So I don't
58:29have a role model. And the more modern
58:31we've become the more stressed women
58:32are. You know I was very lucky. You know
58:34I grew up at a time in the 50s where I
58:37saw my mother being very happy all the
58:38time.
58:39>> There was no reason to be unhappy. If
58:41you had a husband who had a good job,
58:43who didn't get angry, my dad had good
58:45manners. He grew up in a time where all
58:47men would be embarrassed to become angry
58:49at a woman
58:50>> because masculinity is cool, calm, and
58:53collected. It's present. It's grounded.
58:55Uh things don't upset you. You don't
58:57whine and complain. You know, I grew up
58:59in Texas. If a man complains, you're a
59:01wimp. Today, women are all encouraging
59:04men to talk
59:05>> and you're dating a man and you feel
59:06you've been taught, oh, we all he's
59:08emotionally unavailable if he doesn't
59:10talk about his feelings. And if you have
59:13a man talk about his feelings, he won't
59:15make a commitment to you. You need to
59:17talk a lot more than him. And you also
59:19want him to talk some. You have to have
59:21conversation. Focus on what do you think
59:24about this? When a man talks about what
59:26he thinks, now he's being objective.
59:29That raises his testosterone. If you
59:31need help and you ask him, "What do you
59:33think about this? What do you think I
59:34should do?" Uh, anytime you give a
59:37message to a man that his presence is
59:39helpful to you, not that you're helping
59:41him,
59:42>> but he's helpful to you, he will start
59:44to bond with you. Men don't It's very
59:46hard to bond with a woman who's smarter
59:48than you, more capable than you, gives
59:51you advice, or makes more money than
59:53you. It's hard.
59:55>> What What's my job? How how can I feel
59:57confident that you'll appreciate me,
1:00:00depend on me, and trust me? So, those
1:00:02are those are calculated words. you
1:00:04being familiar with Mars, Venus, most
1:00:06people aren't. What I've done is
1:00:07simplified this. I simplified it even
1:00:10more with the book Beyond Mars and Venus
1:00:12and my new books that are coming out
1:00:14this year with all the science about our
1:00:16hormones. But for a man to make a
1:00:18commitment to a woman, for a man to make
1:00:21a commitment for a woman, his
1:00:22testosterone needs to practically double
1:00:25in her presence to give him confidence
1:00:27that he can
1:00:30be successful in this relationship. And
1:00:32even in America, people will, you know,
1:00:34often say, well, we have no role models
1:00:36for this. And then they reinforce it
1:00:38with the idea that, well, over half of
1:00:40couples get a divorce. And I have to
1:00:42say, 20 years ago, I might have used
1:00:44that fact as a way to say, you should
1:00:47take my seminars. But now what I do is I
1:00:49say, well, wait a second. If half the
1:00:51couples stay together, that's half the
1:00:54people have great relationships, good
1:00:56relationships, that's encouraging,
1:00:58particularly at a time where men have no
1:01:00idea what women need. Women have no idea
1:01:03to great extent of what really will make
1:01:06them feel loved and supported. They
1:01:07think they do, but they don't. Uh, one
1:01:10of the things they think will make them
1:01:11feel uh, supported and fall in love and
1:01:14so forth is a man who opens up and talks
1:01:16about his problems. They just get so
1:01:18excited when they get a guy to share his
1:01:20vulnerable feelings about my childhood
1:01:22was this and my work I feel afraid of
1:01:24this and what you know he becomes more
1:01:26vulnerable sharing things with her that
1:01:28he wouldn't share with his male friends
1:01:31>> and he's feminized see that he should
1:01:34you know sometimes I've seen men who are
1:01:36so feminized I I tell them you can't
1:01:38share that stuff with a woman you share
1:01:40it with another man and he then they say
1:01:42oh another man would never understand
1:01:44they would make fun of me if what you
1:01:46feel is something men fake make fun of
1:01:48you for get a therapist. You can process
1:01:50it there because it has to do with your
1:01:52childhood. And in that context, it's
1:01:54perfectly appropriate for men to share
1:01:56vulnerable feelings because when a boy
1:01:58is growing up from the age 2 to 14, he
1:02:02has the hormones of a little girl. So,
1:02:04he's also has the trauma that little
1:02:06girls would have and even more. But if
1:02:08he's trauma is acting out in present
1:02:10time, it has to do with his early years.
1:02:13Even in the first two years can be the
1:02:14most traumatic for men. uh but they're
1:02:17not going to be aware of it. What
1:02:18happens for boys is in the first two
1:02:21years you're powerless. For a girl
1:02:23you're powerless but for a boy for two
1:02:25years you have the testosterone levels
1:02:27of a grown man
1:02:28>> and then after two years old it drops.
1:02:30So you see a big change happening around
1:02:32two years old in boys.
1:02:33>> But so boys will cry more, you know, and
1:02:36yet
1:02:37>> if you're a grown-up man and you cry,
1:02:39unless it's at a movie or something big
1:02:41happens, uh you're weaken you're
1:02:44weakening your masculinity. And yet
1:02:47everybody's saying, "Oh, he cries. He's
1:02:49I remember in college dating a girl and
1:02:52I had the cold." [laughter]
1:02:54I was, you know, I was
1:02:57>> sneezing kind of this sneezing up my
1:02:59nose and so and and I had an allergy. So
1:03:02my eyes were itching.
1:03:03>> So she thought you were crying.
1:03:04>> She thought I was crying. She says,
1:03:06"Wow, you're crying to the movie." You
1:03:07know, it's amazing. With great
1:03:09admiration, but if I was really crying,
1:03:11I would not be the guy you want to date
1:03:13because he become like a baby. And when
1:03:15women sense a baby, emotional being
1:03:18vulnerable, their mothering energy comes
1:03:21out. And so in the dating process, women
1:03:23make so many mistakes by trying to
1:03:26encourage a man to talk about his
1:03:28feelings, to know about his childhood,
1:03:29to know about his past. It's okay a
1:03:31little bit, but she should do maybe five
1:03:34to 10 times more of that. But he, you
1:03:36want him to talk, you have to have
1:03:38conversation going going back and forth.
1:03:40And just like if I listen to a woman's
1:03:42feelings and I say, "Help me understand
1:03:44that better. Tell me more. What else?
1:03:46And what do you like? What do you not
1:03:47like?" You know, these are getting to
1:03:49know somebody. Those are key questions
1:03:51that open a woman up. Uh they're not
1:03:54they open up a female side for a man. So
1:03:56with a man, you say, "What do you think
1:03:58about this?" And or how would you think
1:04:00I should what what do you think I should
1:04:01do about that? Ask him questions that
1:04:03will help you or ask him questions about
1:04:05his opinion, what he thinks. I remember
1:04:08doing a Oprah show. I did 18 Oprah shows
1:04:11uh back in the day and she's a famous
1:04:14talk show host and yeah,
1:04:15>> I'm stage with her and she's trying to
1:04:17be a therapist. She didn't know the
1:04:18difference between males and females.
1:04:20And so this woman is complaining about
1:04:21her husband. She's saying, you know, he
1:04:23goes out with his friends. He's not home
1:04:25all the time. You know, we're married.
1:04:27They were just recently married. And she
1:04:29was all upset, had all these complaints.
1:04:32Uh and then uh Oprah wanted to say to
1:04:34the man, "Well, how do you feel about
1:04:35what she said?" And he couldn't talk.
1:04:38You know, he says, "Wow, how do I feel?"
1:04:40You know, he did not even access his
1:04:41feelings so much. And I said, "Now watch
1:04:44this, Oprah. Ask him this question. what
1:04:47do you think about what your wife said?
1:04:49>> And immediately he started talking.
1:04:51Okay, it's just what do you think? It's
1:04:52a direct line to communication in a
1:04:54man's brain. And this is not just
1:04:56conditioning. This is the way our brains
1:04:58are built. If you see a man's brain, the
1:05:01average man's brain has seven times more
1:05:03gray matter. And a woman's brain than a
1:05:05woman and a woman has nine times more
1:05:08white matter.
1:05:09>> White matter connecting all the gray
1:05:11matter. So, so when a man is is being
1:05:14asked a question uh about a woman has a
1:05:17problem, he's going to be thinking in
1:05:19his head she's wrong, but he can't feel.
1:05:22He does. That's that's the left side of
1:05:23his brain. He needs to go to the right
1:05:25side of the brain to access feelings.
1:05:27And it's hard to talk when men have
1:05:29feelings until women convince us, teach
1:05:31us how to do it. And then you once you
1:05:33got connection to your feelings and you
1:05:35talk about them if you haven't already
1:05:36established yourself as confident and
1:05:39capable and grounded and you don't let
1:05:41anger control you should not talk about
1:05:43your feelings. Now I'm I I talk about my
1:05:46feelings but only if they're positive.
1:05:47>> Yeah.
1:05:48>> If I have fears, anxieties, anger,
1:05:50frustration, guilt, shame, I have the
1:05:53same feelings as women but I don't talk
1:05:55about them. I analyze them.
1:05:57>> You know, it's a different kind of
1:05:58therapy or self therapy that you do. or
1:06:01if if I'm not,
1:06:03you know, there's men, all men are
1:06:05different. I I happen to be a man who's
1:06:07very much uh in touch with his estrogen,
1:06:10okay, with my female side. So, I had to
1:06:12learn how to be a man, okay? So, my I'm
1:06:15the fifth child, the fifth boy, and
1:06:17clearly my mother wanted a little girl.
1:06:19So, I bonded more with my mother. I was
1:06:21also younger. And the older brothers, my
1:06:24mother loved me more evidently, and so
1:06:26they were jealous of me, so they took it
1:06:27out on me. this childhood you get your
1:06:30everybody has issues in childhood that
1:06:32they forget you grow up but for me it
1:06:34caused me to develop more my female side
1:06:37and sort of looking to my mother for
1:06:38protection my dad was traveling so I
1:06:40wasn't looking to him for protection
1:06:42when I was growing up so the brothers
1:06:44were not that nice to me
1:06:45>> and so I went to my female side well
1:06:48then I as I went through my teens I
1:06:51realized my mother realized he needs
1:06:53help to be on his male side she had me
1:06:55taking martial arts I had a paper route
1:06:58I had my own little business and she
1:07:00wanted me to be around other men who are
1:07:01making money. These are all masculine
1:07:03qualities. And then for me, I needed a
1:07:05little extra help to be on my male side.
1:07:07And I became a monk, nine-year monk,
1:07:10which is all about discipline. It's not
1:07:12about talking. It's all about sacrifice
1:07:15for God. Uh so I'm a very spiritual
1:07:18person, and I had that foundation of
1:07:20strength of not depending on anybody but
1:07:22God. So I'm very independent. And then I
1:07:25could be in a relationship with a woman
1:07:27and be on my female side have a lot of
1:07:29emotion. But ever if ever the emotion is
1:07:32negative I contain it.
1:07:34>> So for men if you express your negative
1:07:36emotions your brain becomes more
1:07:38feminized and you it means that your
1:07:41resilience goes down things will stress
1:07:43out stress you out more and more and
1:07:45more.
1:07:46>> Same thing for women. If they hold back
1:07:48their feelings and suppress them then
1:07:50they lose their resilience and things
1:07:52will stress her more and more and more.
1:07:54But a woman, it's not in the workplace,
1:07:56you can't share emotions and reveal
1:07:58that. That's that woman. It's not
1:08:00appropriate. Just not appropriate in the
1:08:01work world. So, you have to not suppress
1:08:03your emotions. You can postpone your
1:08:06emotions. That's why regular sharing of
1:08:08your feelings means in her mind, she
1:08:10goes, "Okay, I can talk to somebody
1:08:11about this later."
1:08:13>> If she doesn't have somebody to talk
1:08:14about it later, her brain will go into
1:08:16denial. And it's an automatic reaction
1:08:18where women could be in the work world
1:08:20and they don't even feel their emotions.
1:08:23So they don't even know they're
1:08:24suppressing, but they're suppressing
1:08:25everything. They're suppressing their
1:08:26femininity. The ability to respond, not
1:08:29to solve the problem, but to just check
1:08:31in. It's like, is this making me happy?
1:08:33Is this what I need? Is this not what I
1:08:35need? What would I like? What am I
1:08:36dissatisfied? What am I angry about? And
1:08:38anytime you're not comfortable with what
1:08:40your emotions are, they will be
1:08:42suppressed and you don't even know
1:08:43they're there. That's why therapy can
1:08:46help. You ask people, you create a space
1:08:48for them to go a little deeper and a
1:08:49little deeper and they'll always come
1:08:50back to positive feelings if they're
1:08:52getting in touch with their real
1:08:53emotions that they wouldn't share with
1:08:55anybody else.
1:08:56>> Yeah. But then again, if we go back to
1:08:57the to this uh situationship thing like
1:09:00where where the the guy is maybe afraid
1:09:03to commit or something.
1:09:04>> Yes, they all are.
1:09:05>> Yes. So, do I I feel like we're putting
1:09:08all the um the blame or the you know the
1:09:11reason on the woman because you're not
1:09:12feminine enough and that's why he's not
1:09:14committing. Well, yes and no.
1:09:16>> First of all, men are not going to want
1:09:18to get married or make a commitment
1:09:20unless they're making enough money.
1:09:22>> Yeah.
1:09:22>> So, there's a there's an age gap. It
1:09:24takes longer in your life to make money.
1:09:25Women start out with the power of their
1:09:27beauty. Men to develop their power by
1:09:30making money.
1:09:31>> So, you know, I'm way more powerful and
1:09:33masculine now in my 70s than I was as a
1:09:35young guy.
1:09:35>> Yeah.
1:09:36>> I mean, I'm in my field. I'm tops. So,
1:09:38that's massive testosterone. That's a
1:09:41confidence. So my wife could even
1:09:42complain about me all day long and it
1:09:44doesn't bother me because I don't I
1:09:46don't need I'm not dependent on her
1:09:47validation. Although I wouldn't like
1:09:49that. I want her to be happier so she
1:09:50doesn't have complaints. But a young
1:09:52man, he can't handle a woman's
1:09:53complaints at all.
1:09:55>> And he needs to feel that I can take
1:09:57care of myself and he then he needs to
1:09:59feel that he's some he can add to her
1:10:01life. Now if she doesn't feel that he
1:10:04can add to her life, then she's not
1:10:06going to have a man. So yes, you're
1:10:07you're right in saying I'm saying women.
1:10:09If you're on your male side, you're not
1:10:11going to have a guy commit to you.
1:10:12>> But why would he give her like mixed
1:10:14signals or just stay in this
1:10:16relationship with no like definition or
1:10:19no like he's sometimes
1:10:20>> Well, remember I talked about this idea
1:10:22that uh for a man he has an efficiency
1:10:25gene. If I don't have to do more, I
1:10:27won't.
1:10:27>> And as long as you live with a guy and
1:10:29you're giving him what he wants, he
1:10:30don't want to change it.
1:10:31>> Yeah.
1:10:31>> Why should I have to take a bigger risk?
1:10:34You know, this is you make it easy for a
1:10:36guy, he'll stay in easy. Yeah. It's a
1:10:39it's pretty common sense when you
1:10:40understand the way men are.
1:10:41>> Yeah. And since we're on the topic of
1:10:43dating, what is a red flag uh that is
1:10:47maybe happens in early dating that
1:10:49couples maybe confuse with chemistry or
1:10:52or passion?
1:10:54>> Well, uh one red flag is that a man
1:10:58can't live without you in the beginning.
1:11:00And what you have to meaning he wants to
1:11:02spend time with you. He's just so eager
1:11:04to be with you. And it doesn't have to
1:11:06be a red flag if you just say no. You
1:11:09have to space it out. It's very
1:11:10flattering when a guy just can't keep
1:11:12his hands off of you, wants to spend
1:11:14time with you. That means he's needy.
1:11:16That means he's on his female side.
1:11:18>> Uh he he needs to have a great a more a
1:11:20life which holds him anchored in his his
1:11:23life rather than you being the center of
1:11:25his attention.
1:11:26>> So there's, you know, three basic types
1:11:28of guys that you want to watch out for.
1:11:30It's the hyperromantic guys,
1:11:32>> okay?
1:11:32>> They just do everything for you and
1:11:34they're wonderful. They run out of steam
1:11:35after a while. They don't make a
1:11:37commitment.
1:11:37>> Yeah. It's they they love bomb you.
1:11:39>> Yeah. They love bomb you. That's a good
1:11:41way. They they love bomb you. That's a
1:11:42danger zone. Another one is he drinks.
1:11:45>> Okay. He has addictions. Okay. Any
1:11:47addiction is a is a danger zone.
1:11:49>> Yeah.
1:11:49>> And a man could have a little addiction.
1:11:52And you just have to know it's going to
1:11:55get worse over time
1:11:57>> if you can't set a boundary in the
1:11:58beginning. See, your power of a woman to
1:12:00ask for what you want is the greatest in
1:12:02the beginning. And that's what women
1:12:04don't recognize is his job is to win you
1:12:07over. And when you think it's your job
1:12:09to win him over, he's that's the big red
1:12:12flag.
1:12:13>> So he should be the one who wins you
1:12:14over. But too much of that means it's
1:12:16going to run out of steam soon.
1:12:18>> And if if he's if he
1:12:23if he's not as excited to see you as you
1:12:25want him to be, it's not a red flag.
1:12:28It's actually very healthy to not stop
1:12:30your life for a woman, but to gradually
1:12:32want to start your stop your life for
1:12:34her. It builds over time.
1:12:36>> Yeah.
1:12:36>> Uh and so the big red flag for women is
1:12:39biological.
1:12:40>> If you find yourself being turned on
1:12:43from the waist down and you haven't
1:12:45gotten to know a man for a long time,
1:12:47he's the wrong guy.
1:12:48>> Oh,
1:12:49>> completely. This is basic science.
1:12:51>> Oh, okay.
1:12:52>> Okay. Because see we all have intuition
1:12:54particularly women uh the great
1:12:56intuition of know who's safe and who's
1:12:58dangerous.
1:12:59>> So the newness will produce dopamine but
1:13:03also danger produces dopamine.
1:13:05>> So when a woman senses a man is not
1:13:07available isn't going to make a
1:13:08commitment uh it's dangerous. And for
1:13:11women who have what we'll call a daddy
1:13:13issue
1:13:14>> Yeah.
1:13:14>> which is daddy wasn't there for her. So
1:13:17she'll be attracted to men who will not
1:13:18be there for her
1:13:20>> and she knows who that man is. is she'll
1:13:22pick him out in the room. She'll feel
1:13:23attraction from the waist down for that
1:13:25man.
1:13:26>> A woman in a healthy situation will
1:13:28never feel attraction to a man unless he
1:13:30earns the that reaction inside of you.
1:13:34Women in a healthy relationship start in
1:13:36their mind, go to their heart by
1:13:38interacting, having a man be supportive
1:13:40of her, respectful of her, doing things
1:13:43for her. Then the energy goes down and
1:13:45you feel the physical attraction. You
1:13:47should not feel physical attraction
1:13:48right away from a man. And if you do,
1:13:50you're in a fantasy world. You're just
1:13:52imagining all the things you're going to
1:13:53get from that man as opposed to you
1:13:55actually get it. And your imagination
1:13:57goes wild if you didn't have a father
1:13:59who was there for you. It's very easy to
1:14:02see a man who isn't interested in you.
1:14:04You have to win him over u and your body
1:14:07will typically respond that way.
1:14:09>> This is such an eye openener.
1:14:10>> Yeah. Well, absolutely. Because you
1:14:12think, oh, I should have these feelings.
1:14:14No, you start with your mind. And a man
1:14:16should pursue you and earn those
1:14:18feelings in you.
1:14:19>> And where does the man start?
1:14:20>> He starts down south.
1:14:22>> Oh.
1:14:22>> So, as I'm a young man, I can go into a
1:14:24room and there'll be say 15 women.
1:14:26There's only one or two that could
1:14:27actually cause something to happen down
1:14:29south. That doesn't mean they're the
1:14:31right person. It means they have the
1:14:32basic requirement.
1:14:34>> Okay.
1:14:34>> The basic requirement.
1:14:35>> Unhealthy then
1:14:37>> for men. No, it's not unhealthy at all.
1:14:39But it doesn't mean he's the right she's
1:14:40the right one. It means it's the the
1:14:42foundation. If I can't feel attraction
1:14:44right away with a woman, uh, she's not
1:14:47the right woman. There's a biological
1:14:49thing that happens.
1:14:50>> And there's also a biological thing that
1:14:51happens with a woman
1:14:53>> who will feel curious but not repelled
1:14:56by a man and they have a kiss. All it
1:14:58takes is a kiss. And what will happen is
1:15:01over the days that will come the we have
1:15:05like this infinite computer inside of
1:15:07us. And there's a thing about actually
1:15:09biology that says we're compatible. your
1:15:11genes have to be enough out of my gene
1:15:13pool for me to feel attracted to you and
1:15:15vice versa.
1:15:16>> So that's one aspect of it. That's why
1:15:18they say it's all in the kiss and it's
1:15:20not and you would never kiss for a long
1:15:23time just enough to share a little a
1:15:25little DNA so to speak. It can also
1:15:29happen through smell. So it doesn't have
1:15:30to be the kiss but we know that
1:15:32>> because culturally you know sometimes
1:15:33it's not really
1:15:34>> that's not appropriate with a kiss. I
1:15:35get it at different levels. But the also
1:15:37the smell is a man's smell will change
1:15:41when his testosterone goes up and a
1:15:43woman's smell will change when her
1:15:44estrogen goes up.
1:15:46>> And uh if my testosterone goes up high
1:15:49in the presence of a woman, it can if
1:15:53there's some genetic balance there, it
1:15:55can raise her estrogen.
1:15:57>> And when a woman's estrogen goes up, it
1:15:59will cause a man's testosterone levels
1:16:01to go up.
1:16:01>> Yeah, that's great. And this is why men
1:16:03are attracted to young women because
1:16:04young women have higher estrogen without
1:16:06having
1:16:07>> anything to do. But as estrogen levels
1:16:09start dropping as you get older,
1:16:11>> your attractiveness to men becomes less.
1:16:13Not because you're older, but because
1:16:15your hormones are less.
1:16:17>> And what I teach is,
1:16:19>> you know, I'm the only person that
1:16:20explains this and that is that we all
1:16:22know in science that as women, you know,
1:16:24start going to early in their 40s,
1:16:26they're now premenopause, during
1:16:29menopause, after menopause, their body
1:16:30makes less estrogen. starts making
1:16:32estrone. Estrone doesn't make you
1:16:35attractive to a man and estone doesn't
1:16:37doesn't allow you to feel that you need
1:16:38a man. It's a self-sufficiency thing. I
1:16:41think God gave it to women at that time
1:16:42because men always would die off in
1:16:44battle and she learns to be more
1:16:46self-sufficient.
1:16:47>> So, but basically estrogen continues to
1:16:50be produced in a woman's body if she
1:16:52does the techniques I teach which make
1:16:54her more vulnerable.
1:16:55>> So, I want to ask you about the uh
1:16:57estrogen thing. If I'm a woman um like
1:17:00am in the per menopause or the menopause
1:17:02phase and and my body is not producing
1:17:04estrogen anymore. So I don't feel that
1:17:06feminine as before.
1:17:07>> It doesn't your body doesn't say you
1:17:09need to be feminine.
1:17:10>> Okay.
1:17:10>> But you can be feminine.
1:17:12>> Yeah.
1:17:12>> If you know how to be feminine and
1:17:14somebody tells you the benefits of being
1:17:16feminine because the benefits of feeling
1:17:19feminine,
1:17:20>> you need a man to feel that way. You
1:17:22need polarity. You need someone to be
1:17:24more masculine than you and naturally
1:17:26you will feel feminine. Even for me if I
1:17:29was the first time I ever really felt
1:17:31feminine. I mean it was amazing. I was
1:17:33in Russia. I was in a dangerous
1:17:35situation and my bodyguard was twice as
1:17:38big as Solomon. You know he was a big
1:17:40big guy. Could barely fit into a
1:17:42Mercedes. And because he was there and
1:17:44he was so calm and peaceful I because I
1:17:47was slightly in danger I could feel
1:17:49safe.
1:17:50>> See men don't run around feeling afraid
1:17:51all the time. women do is when you feel
1:17:54like I depend on someone for my safety,
1:17:56your estrogen will get produced.
1:17:59>> So, you don't have to put yourself in
1:18:00danger to have a man rescue you. What
1:18:02you have to do is just understand the
1:18:04skills we've been talking about is to
1:18:06realize that when you talk about things
1:18:08inside yourself that you wouldn't share
1:18:10with anybody, that will produce
1:18:12estrogen, not estrone, the weak
1:18:14estrogen, it will actually produce
1:18:15estrogen.
1:18:16>> Yeah.
1:18:17>> Because you're doing something
1:18:17dangerous. see to share what you're
1:18:20feeling and you can share what you're
1:18:21feeling to another woman and it's not
1:18:23dangerous because other women already
1:18:24understand you know that
1:18:26>> but a man they don't understand that but
1:18:28if you say to a man you know I just want
1:18:30you to listen I just need I don't need
1:18:32you to fix anything and you share with
1:18:34him because he cares about you not just
1:18:36any man but it's your husband you know
1:18:38somebody who's devoted to you what it
1:18:40does it awakens in him his romantic
1:18:43feelings awakens in him his feeling of
1:18:46love so many men don't feel love unless
1:18:48their wives are vulnerable. So, they can
1:18:51love each other.
1:18:53>> They can love each other uh and and
1:18:55coexist together, but they don't have
1:18:57those deep feelings of love. They have a
1:19:00loyalty. And that's a beautiful thing.
1:19:01There's nothing wrong with loyalty, but
1:19:03to feel in love, to feel like you light
1:19:05up when you see your partner, that's a
1:19:08different thing. And to feel that you
1:19:09have the attraction. Attraction only
1:19:12occurs when there is a difference in the
1:19:14polarity of the he's more masculine,
1:19:17she's more feminine.
1:19:18>> And what women become biologically as
1:19:21they get through menopause is they're
1:19:23primarily their go-to hormone is the
1:19:25masculine side
1:19:26>> because they're not feeling the
1:19:27vulnerable female side that needs help,
1:19:29needs support. And you also have life
1:19:31experience where you already know how to
1:19:32do everything yourself. Why do I need a
1:19:34man?
1:19:34>> Yeah. But when you hear my message, what
1:19:36you need a man for is to produce
1:19:38estrogen. And you produce estrogen when
1:19:40you can share emotion that you wouldn't
1:19:43normally share with somebody. And when
1:19:44you can ask a man to do things for you,
1:19:47even though normally you wouldn't, as a
1:19:49woman becomes more capable and
1:19:50competent, she gets older, she didn't
1:19:52ask for anything.
1:19:53>> So the idea here is to create these
1:19:55these tools that I give women. And
1:19:57there's others too, but we only have so
1:19:59much time. But literally also uh non
1:20:02nonsexual touch, affection, warmth,
1:20:05stroking her hair, all those things will
1:20:07produce estrogen. Yeah.
1:20:08>> Now, here's where I try to stick to the
1:20:11science, right?
1:20:12>> The one thing that I'm saying here has
1:20:14not yet been studied. And I have a
1:20:17complaint. Why haven't they done the
1:20:19study? You see, we have a lot of studies
1:20:21that show what creates testosterone.
1:20:25just messages of success, work, getting
1:20:27paid, taking risks, being decisive,
1:20:30being a leader, all those things produce
1:20:32testosterone and that lowers a man's
1:20:35stress. We also know that when men do
1:20:37sports and various things, that will
1:20:39lower their stress. Now, of course, it's
1:20:41obvious.
1:20:41>> That's so interesting.
1:20:43>> Yeah. You know, the great father of
1:20:45Western psychology is Freud. The biggest
1:20:47question men have is what makes a woman
1:20:49happy? Well, I spent 40 years studying
1:20:51what makes a woman happy, and there's no
1:20:53research actually showing biochemically
1:20:55what makes a woman happy. We only have
1:20:57research that shows what makes a woman
1:20:59unhappy.
1:21:00>> Whenever a woman's unhappy, her estrogen
1:21:02is low.
1:21:03>> So, if her estrogen is not low, she's
1:21:06happy. Okay? So, it's just But science
1:21:09has not done the study. It's a simple
1:21:11study. Just look when a woman's happy.
1:21:13We do know if a woman is happy that her
1:21:16estrogen will be normal or high and her
1:21:18testosterone will be lower than usual.
1:21:20So that means she's not feeling I have
1:21:22to do it myself. I have help.
1:21:24>> It's so easy to see. Not one study to
1:21:27measure that. All the studies do is show
1:21:30that when a woman is unhappy, she's
1:21:32stressed. Next thing is when she's
1:21:34stressed, her estrogen is too low. So
1:21:37therefore, when her estrogen is normal
1:21:39or when it goes up, we also have
1:21:41research showing the only study that
1:21:43shows when a woman is feeling romantic,
1:21:45her estrogen levels are really high.
1:21:47>> But nowhere does science do a study
1:21:49saying what increases women's estrogen.
1:21:52We know what increases men's
1:21:54testosterone, success, sports, all these
1:21:57different things, uh, exercise. But why
1:22:00can't they do a study? I conclude the
1:22:02way the reason they did don't give you a
1:22:03study is they want to give you estrogen.
1:22:06Oh,
1:22:06>> this is the big business. It's the drug
1:22:08that sedate women.
1:22:09>> Yeah.
1:22:10>> And it's it may put you at risk for
1:22:12cancer and it will it will lower your
1:22:14stress from one perspective,
1:22:16>> but it won't allow you to make it won't
1:22:18it won't motivate you to do the things
1:22:21that would produce estrogen.
1:22:23>> So when young women today, so many are
1:22:25not motivated to get married because
1:22:26they're not even feeling estrogen.
1:22:28Estrogen says, "I need help. I don't
1:22:30want to do this alone."
1:22:31>> Yeah.
1:22:32>> I will suffer if I do this alone. So if
1:22:35you're on your male side, you don't feel
1:22:36those feelings. And as long as you stay
1:22:38on your male side, you can avoid what
1:22:40you feel. Just like you can also avoid
1:22:42what you feel by eating, overeing, and
1:22:44various other addictions. But being on
1:22:46your male side is very addictive for
1:22:48women. It's easier. Just think about it.
1:22:50That female side says, "I need help." Or
1:22:52partnership. I don't want to do it all
1:22:53myself.
1:22:55>> So you're in partnership and you're not
1:22:56getting what you want. That's stress.
1:22:58Yeah.
1:22:58>> And we don't get what you want. Then
1:23:00what what's the easiest thing to do is
1:23:02well if I can't get help I'll do it
1:23:03myself. I become my own man.
1:23:06>> I become my own man and leave
1:23:08partnership behind.
1:23:09>> So the the the reality is that when a
1:23:13woman is stressed her estrogen is low
1:23:15and I have observed it. I'm just in the
1:23:16mall and I see all the women are there
1:23:18just going shopping for women to look at
1:23:20what they like and what they don't like
1:23:22raises estrogen. You know you can see it
1:23:24on their face. You know, you can see
1:23:26also you can see uh when you see a
1:23:28little baby that you're not responsible
1:23:29for, you can see women used to be very
1:23:32interested. Now they're so on their male
1:23:33side, they don't even notice. But in
1:23:35some cultures still women go, "Oh, look
1:23:36at the little baby." Um, and there's a
1:23:39sweetness to that that brings out their
1:23:40nurturing hormone. But if they don't
1:23:42have a man in their life, even that
1:23:44nurturing hormone doesn't lower their
1:23:46stress. M
1:23:47>> see there's when you have a child with a
1:23:48man there's an instinctive
1:23:51knowing that having a child with a man
1:23:54will cause him to be committed for a
1:23:55lifetime
1:23:56>> because that's that baby is part of him
1:23:59>> and he's going to make sure that baby
1:24:00gets. So these couples who get together
1:24:03without having a child, there's never
1:24:05going to be that security that he'll
1:24:06stay and usually quite often you'll
1:24:09wander because a relationship is quite
1:24:11hollow and empty if there is not a
1:24:14mission and a purpose where they're
1:24:16sharing together.
1:24:17>> Yeah. Sometimes having a business
1:24:19together could help with that or
1:24:20personal growth could could help with
1:24:23that
1:24:23>> or like a blended family I believe like
1:24:25>> oh now we're talking a whole another
1:24:27story is blended families very
1:24:29challenging
1:24:30>> very f and I I face it myself because I
1:24:33married Bonnie she had two little
1:24:34children before
1:24:36>> and then we have a child together
1:24:38>> and the other children will always be
1:24:39jealous of the child that we have
1:24:41together.
1:24:42>> Yeah. because they will go visit their
1:24:44father
1:24:44>> and then he's a he's an okay guy but
1:24:46they have to go somewhere else and they
1:24:48don't have a a family intact family
1:24:51>> and when they go to the father and the
1:24:53wife of the father says bad things about
1:24:56Bonnie
1:24:57>> and and then the children are confused
1:24:59you know they're getting negative
1:25:00messages here negative messages there
1:25:02this is very very confusing for children
1:25:04very sad we you know with good
1:25:06communication we
1:25:08>> we overcome it see the the big thing
1:25:10when people say oh we got this problem
1:25:12this problem. Everybody has problems.
1:25:14>> Yeah.
1:25:14>> All of the whole point of love and
1:25:16relationships is it can be a way to help
1:25:20us deal with life's problems. And
1:25:21everybody has problems.
1:25:23>> Yeah.
1:25:23>> You know, they think, "Oh, poor me."
1:25:24Other people have problems, too. You
1:25:26just don't see them.
1:25:27>> But if you look at my life, uh I have
1:25:30all these, you can't believe the
1:25:31problems I have. I mean, but it doesn't
1:25:33affect me that much at all because I
1:25:35have love in my life and I know how to
1:25:36process my emotions. I deal with things.
1:25:38So, my testosterone stays up all the
1:25:40time. And ultimately if you continue to
1:25:43grow you will have bigger problems
1:25:45because now you can handle more. You
1:25:46know it's old saying that God only gives
1:25:48you enough that you can handle
1:25:50>> because you cannot grow without new
1:25:51challenges and it's the challenges that
1:25:53help us to grow.
1:25:54>> And uh
1:25:56>> it's so beautiful to have a way to face
1:25:58your challenges uh so you can
1:26:00efficiently do it. The problems are
1:26:02there and the problems in my life are
1:26:04even bigger and bigger. They all get
1:26:05bigger but my ability to deal with them
1:26:08makes it so much easier.
1:26:09>> Yeah. But what happens, Dr. Gray, when
1:26:11when when we reach a breaking point,
1:26:13like um the conversations feel very heav
1:26:16heavy if if they happen at all and the
1:26:18connection is lost. So like if a couple
1:26:22came to you and they're on the brink of
1:26:23a divorce and they're barely speaking,
1:26:26what's the first advice that you asked
1:26:28them to do?
1:26:29>> Well, I have to say I can't always keep
1:26:32I can't always stop a divorce. I have
1:26:35helped lots of people. I may have people
1:26:37say, "We would have been divorced a long
1:26:38time ago if it hadn't been for you.
1:26:40Thank you. Please never leave our life."
1:26:41They'll even call me if they have a
1:26:42fight. I say, "Text me. I'll remind
1:26:44you." Uh, but it's I just get them to do
1:26:47the things I asked to do. People can
1:26:49hear this. They forget to do it. They
1:26:50don't do it. You know, in this
1:26:52interview, I talked about the five
1:26:53fingers. Most women won't do it unless
1:26:55the husband reminds her, "Honey, it's
1:26:57okay. You can do the five finger thing.
1:26:59You're not doing it. Honey, it's okay to
1:27:01do the 10." Because women, if women can
1:27:04give themselves permission, but how can
1:27:06a woman give herself permission to share
1:27:08what she secretly holds inside, she's
1:27:10never seen anybody do it. Because if you
1:27:12actually did this, a man would think,
1:27:14you know, what's wrong with you? Why are
1:27:15you upset about that? That's ridiculous.
1:27:17You can handle that. He would just give
1:27:18advice.
1:27:19>> But if you explain to him, I don't need
1:27:21you to give advice. I can handle this.
1:27:23But unlike a man, if something's happen,
1:27:26I need to talk about it and then I'll
1:27:28feel closer to you. But most women, they
1:27:30think, "Oh, I shouldn't do all the
1:27:32talking. He should also do the talking.
1:27:33What's going on? What's And you know,
1:27:35that's the great thing about the cave is
1:27:37when men are not talking to their wives.
1:27:39It doesn't mean we're not mad at you."
1:27:40And another confusing thing is that when
1:27:43men are just serious, they're thinking,
1:27:45they're not mad, but they can look mad.
1:27:47And then women are scared. And then they
1:27:48feel like, I don't want to interrupt
1:27:50him. I don't want to bother him. It's
1:27:52like, he's so touchy touchy. And he's
1:27:54not always that way. And if a man is
1:27:57that way, you have the solution. You ask
1:27:59him to do little things and thank him
1:28:01for it.
1:28:02>> All men need is the three forms of love
1:28:04that are most powerful to raise
1:28:06testosterone is to trust. So trust,
1:28:09let's say he's in his cave, you have to
1:28:11trust and there's no big deal or he's in
1:28:13a bad mood, just trust can get out of it
1:28:15on your own.
1:28:16>> Yeah.
1:28:16>> What women do is like, "What's the
1:28:18matter? Can I help you?" Whatever.
1:28:19>> And they take on the stress.
1:28:20>> They take on the stress and they get
1:28:22upset. If a man's upset, ignore him.
1:28:24See, if a woman's upset, I would never
1:28:26ignore her. I have to say, "Oh, what's
1:28:27the matter? Let me help out. can I help
1:28:28you with something? That's what I would
1:28:31do because I know even though she's not
1:28:32asking for help, she wants you to be
1:28:34attentive to her and notice that she's
1:28:36suffering. Try to help her out. But if a
1:28:38man's suffering, you need to act like
1:28:40everything's okay.
1:28:42>> And the woman would never think of that
1:28:43because if you're in a bad mood and I
1:28:45just having a good time and everything's
1:28:47okay and I'm going to go shopping,
1:28:49>> you're going to feel ignored, neglected,
1:28:51like you're not important. But you need
1:28:52to do the opposite for a man. If he's
1:28:55upset, ignore him. Go off and do
1:28:56something. And now we're talking about
1:28:58the real stuff which you're just talking
1:29:00about which is what happens is that men
1:29:04can do this but women do it a lot more
1:29:06and that is called building up
1:29:08resentment.
1:29:09>> Okay. So the what it is is every time
1:29:12there's a problem in a relationship and
1:29:14she doesn't resolve it by lowering her
1:29:17stress again but instead she just
1:29:19doesn't talk about it. What happens is
1:29:21in the beginning it's like I I don't
1:29:23like this. I don't like this. He's done
1:29:24it again. That's the resistance stage.
1:29:27>> And so she resists something and resists
1:29:29something. It's like she's building a
1:29:31wall around her heart. It's a brick and
1:29:33another brick and another brick and
1:29:35another brick in the wall. Then if that
1:29:37brick starts to get high, then the very
1:29:39things that she didn't like now she
1:29:41feels resentful about.
1:29:43>> Yeah.
1:29:43>> And she'll even say, "I resent the fact
1:29:46that she's like condemning you. You are
1:29:48not a good husband. I do so much and you
1:29:51don't do anything." She's gathering
1:29:52evidence as to why she's a victim.
1:29:55That's what resentment is. So now you're
1:29:57building this wall, more more of these
1:29:58bricks, more of these bricks. And then
1:30:00if you stay continuing to build
1:30:02resentment and you don't realize how to
1:30:04heal resentment, and I'll give you an
1:30:06example of one of my children uh was
1:30:10resenting her husband, okay? He she just
1:30:12felt she was doing so much more and he
1:30:14was not and whatever. And she had all
1:30:15this resentment and she just said, "What
1:30:18should I do?" So I listen to her for a
1:30:20good 20 minutes. Let her talk about how
1:30:21bad every he is and how upset she feels
1:30:24and what she feels is right and all
1:30:26that. And I just listen. Don't ever give
1:30:28advice to them unless they ask. So then
1:30:31she says, "Okay, so what do I do? What
1:30:32do I do?" Well, I hear you. You need to
1:30:35go apologize.
1:30:37>> Oh,
1:30:38>> that's it. She calls me up the next day
1:30:40and she says, "Dad, you always say the
1:30:42right thing. So all you have to do is
1:30:43apologize because anytime your part you
1:30:45have complaints about your partner,
1:30:47you're not loving.
1:30:49>> You can justify not being loving, but
1:30:51you've built a wall up. You're not
1:30:52loving your partner. And in your mind,
1:30:54you think, well, how could I love him?
1:30:55He's so terrible. I go, okay, so you're
1:30:58not loving your husband. He's not You
1:31:00can't You can't expect anything from a
1:31:02man if he doesn't feel your love. So
1:31:05what would your love be? It would be
1:31:07trust that he's doing his best. Ask for
1:31:09help. When you ask for help, you're
1:31:11trusting. when you don't ask for help,
1:31:13you stop trusting.
1:31:15>> And then women go, "Why ask? He
1:31:17forgets." Well, learn how to ask again
1:31:19>> and ask again. And she goes, "Oh, that's
1:31:21nagging." Not if you learn how to ask.
1:31:24When you ask again, you ask as if it's
1:31:26the first time. And then you ask again.
1:31:28You ask if it's the first time. You
1:31:30don't say, "I've asked three times. I've
1:31:32asked you. Oh, you forget everything."
1:31:34No, don't say any of that. Just ask
1:31:35again. And when you ask nicely three
1:31:37times, you know what a man thinks? Oh my
1:31:39gosh, she's asked me two two, three
1:31:41times. She's being so nice. I should do
1:31:43that right now.
1:31:44>> Yeah,
1:31:44>> it's understanding male psychology. He
1:31:46needs to feel trusted. He needs to feel
1:31:48He doesn't have to be perfect. Now, if
1:31:51you're stressed, you can't live with a
1:31:53man. If you're stressed, your brain will
1:31:55always look at what's wrong, what's
1:31:56imperfect, what's imperfect, what's
1:31:58wrong, what's in danger. That's what
1:31:59that woman's brain does. Literally, she
1:32:02can't be optimistic. She can't be
1:32:04forgiving.
1:32:05>> Yeah. So if she can talk about her
1:32:06feelings, process her feelings, not with
1:32:09him about those things, but with her
1:32:11coach or with God or a journal. I teach
1:32:14women how to do all this, you can start
1:32:16taking those bricks down.
1:32:18>> Yeah.
1:32:18>> You have to have forgiveness to do that.
1:32:20But if you don't, then what happens? You
1:32:22see these couples who have been married
1:32:24for quite a while.
1:32:25>> Uh the resentment is now buried and they
1:32:27go into rejection. Now modern women will
1:32:30just say, "I want a divorce." 90% of
1:32:32divorces is women are unhappy and they
1:32:34want a divorce because they their their
1:32:36hearts are closed. They've built a wall
1:32:37around their heart and they blame him
1:32:39for it
1:32:39>> rather than seeing that have they been
1:32:42trusting him? Have they been accepting
1:32:44his imperfections, forgiveness? Have
1:32:47they been appreciating him? No, they
1:32:49don't appreciate anything. They'll say
1:32:50to me, "He does nothing for me."
1:32:52[laughter]
1:32:52>> Yeah.
1:32:52>> And but see, that's her brain cannot do
1:32:55it differently. These are these are
1:32:56well-known phenomena that happens in a
1:32:58woman's brain when she has chronic
1:33:00stress. And why do women have chronic
1:33:03stress? They don't do enough things to
1:33:05produce their estrogen. And then how do
1:33:06you produce the estrogen? And science
1:33:08doesn't even tell you. I'm the only
1:33:10person that even says you have to
1:33:12produce stimulate estrogen.
1:33:14>> So that's your next book, right?
1:33:15>> Yes. It's a my next three books is all
1:33:18what I'm talking about here. It's so
1:33:19fantastic. And then the fourth one will
1:33:21be women over 40,
1:33:23>> which is what we were just talking
1:33:24about. But the the the first book that's
1:33:26coming out, I have to spend many months
1:33:28editing and then come back to it, make
1:33:30sure it's perfect, best I can do. But
1:33:32the first one is um
1:33:34>> be happy without with or without a man.
1:33:38Because when you learn to be happy
1:33:39without a man, then
1:33:41>> be happier.
1:33:41>> You'll be happier with a man. Okay? You
1:33:43know my message there.
1:33:45And and so here here's you know the the
1:33:48advantage. You know we have to realize
1:33:49we all have a big challenge. We didn't
1:33:51see our parents doing this stuff. Most
1:33:53of us
1:33:54>> the other day my one of my daughters I
1:33:56was about to tell you um the same one
1:33:58that builds up resentment. She after she
1:34:00went through that recent thing and she
1:34:02completely forgave her partner and I
1:34:03said just go and say you're sorry. You
1:34:06watch and then don't complain for a week
1:34:08about anything. He completely changes.
1:34:10>> Yeah.
1:34:11>> Men just need to feel accepted for who
1:34:13they are. trusted that they're they're
1:34:15doing their best and the other and ask
1:34:16for help and the other one is when you
1:34:18get help to appreciate it instead of
1:34:21thinking well why should I appreciate
1:34:23that I do more than him this is the way
1:34:25your brain inhibits the love and so then
1:34:29she said another thing I this is sweet
1:34:31things you feel when your kids grow up
1:34:33and my daughter says you know dad I've
1:34:36watched you my whole life and you
1:34:38forgive everybody and you're always
1:34:40peaceful
1:34:41>> I want to have that peace
1:34:43is you can't be if you can learn to
1:34:45forgive people you're peaceful
1:34:46>> and see how you contributed to someone's
1:34:48problems and women don't see it I get it
1:34:51they in their mind they just think well
1:34:52if he did this I would love him
1:34:54>> but you but once you get to the
1:34:56rejection stage that's where couples
1:34:58start doing things separately
1:35:00>> you [snorts] know in the beginning maybe
1:35:02I don't want to go visit the relatives
1:35:04but I do it because it makes her happy
1:35:06and then I get to the rejection stage is
1:35:08no I don't want to go you go
1:35:10>> you just it's like whatever she wants
1:35:12you don't want. Whatever he wants, you
1:35:13don't want. And so, you start having
1:35:15your separate life because if you were
1:35:16to come close, your resentment would
1:35:18come up.
1:35:19>> And if you were to forgive your
1:35:20resentment, you'd still have things you
1:35:21don't like until you can learn how to
1:35:24>> uh use your partner to lower your
1:35:26stress. And then,
1:35:27>> you know, I'm not a perfect person. My I
1:35:29leave the lights on. My wife goes,
1:35:31"Can't you turn the lights out when you
1:35:32walk through? Our electric bill is so
1:35:34high." Yeah, I'm not perfect. I leave my
1:35:36socks on the floor sometimes. She can't
1:35:38you pick this up? Do you see you mess up
1:35:39the room? [laughter] Okay, I'm trying.
1:35:41I'm trying. But you know I have the
1:35:42blessing of u having a wife who's very
1:35:46neat and orderly.
1:35:47>> So the first book is about how to be
1:35:49happy without a maid. What about the
1:35:50other?
1:35:51>> How to be happy with or without
1:35:53>> with or without. Okay.
1:35:54>> So the second one and this is also very
1:35:57important. We were talking about women
1:35:58over 40. Uh if you want to be happier
1:36:01over 40, a man can be very very helpful
1:36:04because it's a man's polarity where he's
1:36:06producing more masculine hormones forces
1:36:09you to make more estrogen. Otherwise,
1:36:11without a man whose testosterone is
1:36:13going up. Now, keep in mind that when
1:36:15just as women's estrogen goes down, as
1:36:18they get older, typically men's
1:36:20testosterone levels go down as well.
1:36:22>> Oh,
1:36:22>> but see, I'm an example of when you
1:36:24apply these techniques, your
1:36:27testosterone goes up. I my testosterone
1:36:29is 50% and sometimes 100% higher than a
1:36:3425 year old man.
1:36:35>> Oh,
1:36:36>> yeah. It doesn't go down for me.
1:36:38>> Okay. It goes
1:36:39>> from the relationship or
1:36:40>> all the relationship skills. Two. One.
1:36:42One is for your basic level of
1:36:45testosterone, a man has to work
1:36:47>> and he has to be paid fairly. That's
1:36:49important. If you're paid too much, your
1:36:51testosterone goes down. If you're not
1:36:52paid enough, your testosterone goes
1:36:54down.
1:36:54>> Okay?
1:36:55>> That's why you see these guys who make
1:36:57tons of money, they can't make a
1:36:58commitment. They're irritable. They take
1:37:00drugs. They have to go to re rehab. They
1:37:03have so many emotional problems because
1:37:04they're overpaid. This is really
1:37:06interesting because
1:37:07>> it's the dream of every man to to you
1:37:09know to get paid too much.
1:37:11>> Yeah, I understand that. I used to be
1:37:12paid too much [laughter]
1:37:14>> and my testosterone went down.
1:37:16>> So what you can do if you do make a lot
1:37:19of money just make sure you're working
1:37:21really hard.
1:37:21>> Yeah.
1:37:22>> Okay. That's the whole key is the
1:37:23working hard and also helping other
1:37:25people. I have many people who depend on
1:37:27me financially, old people. Uh so I
1:37:29don't keep a lot of money. Yeah.
1:37:31>> I I work. If you have to work, you will
1:37:34always produce testosterone. If you
1:37:35don't have to work and you're a man,
1:37:37you'll start making estrogen. You'll get
1:37:39old, you'll get fat, and you'll become
1:37:40moody, and you'll die soon.
1:37:42>> Yeah.
1:37:42>> All men who live long lives, they're
1:37:44always they love their work. They
1:37:45continue doing their work, and it's very
1:37:47important.
1:37:48>> Okay. So, that's uh the the idea there
1:37:51is for a woman's estrogen to continue
1:37:54being produced in her marriage, his
1:37:56testosterone levels have to go higher in
1:37:58her presence. And so it's a matter of
1:38:01asking him to do things, using him as
1:38:03like your therapist and your coach where
1:38:05you need his help as opposed to helping
1:38:07him.
1:38:08>> Okay?
1:38:08>> And that this will always destroy the
1:38:10polarity. And it's it's kind of built in
1:38:12because as women get older, they're
1:38:14wiser. And so then they make the mistake
1:38:17of giving men unsolicited advice. You
1:38:19should do this, you should put that, you
1:38:20should.
1:38:20>> They become their therapists and their
1:38:22coaches and their consultants and
1:38:23everything. Yeah.
1:38:24>> And now they just instinctively they can
1:38:26observe their partner and give advice.
1:38:28You can't give a man unsolicited advice.
1:38:30And even if he's asking for advice,
1:38:32don't give it to him unless it's really
1:38:33necessary.
1:38:35>> You don't want to be his helper. You
1:38:37want him to be your helper.
1:38:38>> Yeah,
1:38:38>> a little bit. It's fine. Okay. So,
1:38:40that's as you're getting older. The the
1:38:43key hormones there is he needs to feel
1:38:45you can depend on him. That will raise
1:38:47his testosterone. You accept his
1:38:48imperfections and you also give him jobs
1:38:50to do. You appreciate.
1:38:52>> So, that's the second book.
1:38:53>> Oh, actually, I was still talking about
1:38:54being happy with or without a man. Okay.
1:38:56The second book is is now let's put it
1:38:59into action more is how to talk so a man
1:39:02will listen.
1:39:02>> Okay.
1:39:03>> And we talked a lot about that today but
1:39:05there's much more to this
1:39:06>> and it's how to talk so a man will
1:39:08listen which means you never uh hold on
1:39:11to being upset and express that upset to
1:39:13him.
1:39:13>> Okay.
1:39:14>> So a part of that which you're familiar
1:39:15with as a Mars Venus coach is writing
1:39:17out your feelings.
1:39:18>> Yeah. the the feeling letter exercise
1:39:20which is too much in depth to to do in a
1:39:22few minutes but I've expanded it
1:39:24manyfold since you took my class
1:39:26>> and and it works in my workshops
1:39:29people's lives are changed but they
1:39:31won't do it at home
1:39:32>> and my clients all do it at home because
1:39:34I won't see them unless they'll do it uh
1:39:36which is learning how to write out the
1:39:37levels of feeling go from negative
1:39:40feelings to positive feelings to write
1:39:41out a letter
1:39:42>> what you want to say but don't say it
1:39:45receive the response you want to hear
1:39:46but don't expect it and then explore how
1:39:48that would make you feel. So, it's a
1:39:49whole journey and then forming
1:39:51affirmations from it. So,
1:39:52>> you did it live at your place in
1:39:54California.
1:39:54>> When you do it at my workshop, it's
1:39:56fantastic, [laughter] but hard to get
1:39:57people to do it at home because people
1:39:59just they don't want to look at negative
1:40:00emotions. They want to blame and they
1:40:02want they they're addicted to if you
1:40:04have negative emotion, I have to tell
1:40:05you. If you ever have negative emotions
1:40:07and you have to tell somebody, you're
1:40:10actually becoming addicted to it.
1:40:11Because when you use negative emotions
1:40:13to change someone, if they don't change,
1:40:17then you hold on to the negative emotion
1:40:19>> and your brain remembers. If they do
1:40:21change, then your brain remembers, oh,
1:40:23if I just get upset with them, they'll
1:40:24change. Then whenever you want your
1:40:26partner to change, you get upset
1:40:28>> and you lose your ability to be have
1:40:29resilience, which is to let go of. See,
1:40:32the ideal thing is to be upset about
1:40:34something and then let it go without
1:40:36having to change the outer world.
1:40:37>> Yeah,
1:40:38>> that's that's the place we're all
1:40:39aspiring towards.
1:40:41>> And a man can help a woman to do that if
1:40:43she can talk about things that are
1:40:44bothering her and he doesn't get upset
1:40:46and he doesn't get all built out of
1:40:48shape.
1:40:49>> Then her brain gets the message that
1:40:51she's safe and her stress goes away and
1:40:53it changes her brain that in the
1:40:55presence of this man, you're never in
1:40:57danger.
1:40:57>> Okay.
1:40:58>> So that's that's that book.
1:40:59>> Second book. Yeah. The second book is
1:41:00how to talk so a man can listen. And in
1:41:02there is also a lot about the process of
1:41:06when you are holding on to things about
1:41:07your partner.
1:41:09>> You have to be able to let it go without
1:41:10telling your partner.
1:41:12>> And that's what my daughter was
1:41:14referring to as John. Dad, you're so
1:41:17you're so accepting. I just noticed you
1:41:20always have peace. And I I'm now
1:41:22inspired by that because you know I'm
1:41:24premenopaus and I don't have peace. So
1:41:26I'm going to do what you do. Uh, and so
1:41:28that's a that's that book. And what goes
1:41:31along with that book, which I'm very
1:41:32excited to share, which is a it's called
1:41:34the whole feeling letter process, is
1:41:36I've created an app that will do it for
1:41:38you.
1:41:38>> Oh, that's great.
1:41:39>> You don't have to write it out. It will
1:41:41write it out for you.
1:41:42>> This is this is going to help so many
1:41:43people.
1:41:44>> It's all my clients are using it and
1:41:46they love it and they all you still have
1:41:48to do something. It just the computer
1:41:50program that I've written, it asks you
1:41:52four specific questions. You answer
1:41:54those questions and then putting it to
1:41:55an algorithm that I wrote. It will tell
1:41:57you all your emotions. It will tell you
1:41:59what you need. It will tell you what you
1:42:00want. It will write a letter to you as
1:42:02if your partner has said those things to
1:42:04you. And you imagine they said those
1:42:06things to you. Then it will tell you
1:42:08what you probably will feel
1:42:09>> and it will tell you what you've just
1:42:11learned.
1:42:11>> And this app is out now.
1:42:12>> It's coming out soon. I'm I'm in it's in
1:42:14the beta stage now where
1:42:16>> that's exciting. And once once
1:42:18[clears throat] I'm getting lots of
1:42:18feedback, which I'm getting
1:42:20>> making little changes, um
1:42:22>> it'll be available. It'll be very cheap
1:42:24for people. It'll be $5.
1:42:25>> Yeah. [laughter] Great.
1:42:26>> And then you just have your little
1:42:27companion here.
1:42:28>> U so that is how to talk so a man will
1:42:31listen. And then the third one is what
1:42:35to do or not do when a man loses
1:42:37interest.
1:42:39>> So this is kind of the what what a and
1:42:40they're just for women to read.
1:42:42>> And this is just for the dating phase or
1:42:43even after marriage. all all times when
1:42:46a man loses interest. It's a whole
1:42:47dating thing which women don't
1:42:48understand which is
1:42:50>> a classic Mars Venus thing which is when
1:42:52men get close they always pull away.
1:42:54>> That's the rubber band theory is that
1:42:56he'll pull away and once he's pulled
1:42:57away enough he'll spring back but while
1:42:59he's pulling away if you run after him
1:43:01>> he's not going to come back.
1:43:02>> He just keeps pulling away. And so
1:43:04there's a whole art to that in the
1:43:05dating situation, but also in marriage
1:43:07situation. You know, when a guy
1:43:09>> starts losing interest in his wife and
1:43:11she'll start trying to get him to love
1:43:13her more and that's called codependence.
1:43:15This is happens to women and they have a
1:43:16hormone, a codependent hormone.
1:43:18>> For those that don't know, codependence
1:43:20means you make your partner's needs more
1:43:22important than your own.
1:43:23>> Yeah.
1:43:24>> And if ever anybody ever feels
1:43:25resentment for their partner, it's only
1:43:27because you made your partner's needs
1:43:29more important and you didn't make your
1:43:31needs important. So what you did is you
1:43:33overgave.
1:43:34>> You gave and you didn't get back. So you
1:43:37can't feel resentful if you don't
1:43:39overgive.
1:43:40>> You only feel resentful because you feel
1:43:43I did this for them and I do this for
1:43:44them and I what what have they done for
1:43:46me?
1:43:47>> And of course they've done a lot, but
1:43:48when you're in a stressed state, you
1:43:50can't register what they do for you.
1:43:52>> So Dr. Gray, before we wrap up this
1:43:53beautiful conversation, I just like to
1:43:55do a little something that I love to end
1:43:56every episode with. It's called a
1:43:58rapidfire moment.
1:43:59>> Okay. Um, they're just like very few
1:44:01short questions with very short answers.
1:44:04You can think of them like little drops
1:44:05of wisdom, but they stay for a long time
1:44:07with the listeners. So, are you ready
1:44:09for that?
1:44:09>> Mhm.
1:44:10>> Okay. So, what's one lesson about love
1:44:12that took you the longest to learn?
1:44:15>> Just in a
1:44:16>> to listen. I have a sticker still on my
1:44:18mirror. Don't talk.
1:44:20>> What's one habit couples can start today
1:44:22that could change their connection?
1:44:23>> Four hugs a day. the man pursues her.
1:44:26I'm responsible to find my wife in the
1:44:29morning, find her before I leave. When I
1:44:31come home, I find her first. Before the
1:44:33kids, I find her and before bed, I will
1:44:36find her. Make sure I give her a
1:44:378-second hug.
1:44:38>> So, twice like in the morning and at
1:44:40night.
1:44:40>> Well, that's eight h that's four hugs.
1:44:42>> Four hugs. Okay.
1:44:43>> Which I initiate.
1:44:44>> Great. What's one belief about love
1:44:46that's hurting people today? What's
1:44:48hurting people today is unrealistic
1:44:50expectations that if you love me, you
1:44:52would do this. Because if you don't
1:44:54understand men and women are different,
1:44:56men when they love a woman behave
1:44:57differently than when a woman loves a
1:44:59man. So you can't assume your partner
1:45:01will think or feel or react the way you
1:45:02do.
1:45:03>> What's a piece of relationship advice
1:45:04you completely disagree with?
1:45:06>> When you're upset with your partner, we
1:45:08need to talk about it.
1:45:09>> It's terrible. People should know that
1:45:11if a man's upset, the more he talks, the
1:45:14more upset he will be. When a woman
1:45:16doesn't know that, she will encourage
1:45:17him to talk when he's upset. Because if
1:45:19a woman can talk and she doesn't blame
1:45:22her partner, but she's upset about
1:45:23something, a man can listen. And if she
1:45:26talks more, she will always feel better.
1:45:28When a woman comes to me in counseling,
1:45:29if she can be upset with her husband,
1:45:31she talks to me about it, I don't feel
1:45:33blamed. So if she can talk about her
1:45:35feelings, she will feel better. So she
1:45:37thinks if a man talks about his feelings
1:45:39when he's upset, he will feel better and
1:45:41he won't.
1:45:42>> Yeah, that's great. If someone only
1:45:45remembers one thing from this episode,
1:45:47what should it be?
1:45:48>> Well, what a man should realize is that
1:45:50you want to be a man. You want a woman
1:45:51to be attracted to you. You want to be
1:45:53successful. You want men, you want
1:45:54people to trust you as someone they can
1:45:56depend on. Never display anger. If
1:45:59you're angry, never reveal it. If you're
1:46:01angry, go do some exercise. Go talk to a
1:46:05friend and tell your story and laugh
1:46:06about it. Anger is the most destructive
1:46:09thing that causes women to not trust
1:46:11men. It causes men to not be heartfelt.
1:46:15It closes your heart. So that would be
1:46:17one thing. And two, if you want to blame
1:46:19a man for something, first talk to a
1:46:22friend about it so you're not upset.
1:46:23Then instead of ever blaming him, come
1:46:25and ask for help. That's the best way to
1:46:28get a man to give you what you want.
1:46:29>> Amazing. So guys, if you love this rapid
1:46:32fire moment, please share your answer to
1:46:33the last question on Instagram and tag
1:46:35us because we'd love to know what you
1:46:36took from this. Dr. Gray, thank you from
1:46:40my heart. really
1:46:41>> such a pleasure to see you again. We met
1:46:4312 years ago and now you're here doing
1:46:45so well in your life. I highly recommend
1:46:47her. She's so brilliant, amazing woman
1:46:49to give you support.
1:46:50>> Thank you so much for your generosity
1:46:52and for your wisdom today. This
1:46:54conversation for me and I'm assuming for
1:46:56many of the people listening isn't just
1:46:57about men and women. It's about
1:46:59something that we all long for, the
1:47:01connection, the the understanding and
1:47:03the peace. So, I'm truly grateful for
1:47:06this conversation and I'm truly grateful
1:47:08for all the wisdom and the truth and the
1:47:10tenderness you bring to this world.
1:47:11Thank you so much for being here with us
1:47:13>> with all my heart. You're welcome.
1:47:14>> Thank you to everyone listening. I hope
1:47:16you walk away from this episode not with
1:47:17the pressure to get it right, but with a
1:47:19little more clarity, a little more
1:47:21compassion, and a lot more courage to
1:47:23show up fully in your relationships.
1:47:25Thank you so much for listening to this
1:47:26very special episode. This is Heaw, and
1:47:28I'll see you next time. But until then,
1:47:30keep showing up with strength, with
1:47:32softness, and with all your

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