6 Steps to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence | Ramona Hacker | TEDxTUM — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00Translator: Như Nguyễn Reviewer: Carol Wang
2. 0:12I want to start with doing a small survey with you.
3. 0:17For that, please put your hands into your laps
4. 0:25and close your eyes.
5. 0:31I will now pose a couple of questions
6. 0:34to which I would love to have a very honest answer
7. 0:37just by a show of hands.
8. 0:40No worries, no one will judge you for it.
9. 0:43The first question is,
10. 0:45Who of you has thought, within the past week,
11. 0:50about whether or not you are an emotionally intelligent person?
12. 0:58Now that you think of it,
13. 1:01would you consider yourself emotionally intelligent?
14. 1:04Please raise your hand if you do so.
15. 1:09And who of you has ever worked consciously on your emotional skill?
16. 1:20Thank you for sharing.
17. 1:21You can now open your eyes again.
18. 1:24And thank you also for being so very honest with me.
19. 1:28Now I also want to be honest with you.
20. 1:31Emotional intelligence is not necessarily my main strength.
21. 1:37When I make decisions, I based them solely on my rationale.
22. 1:42If friends from school hear me do this talk right now,
23. 1:45they will be very surprised because back then,
24. 1:47I didn't even consider emotions as something crucial.
25. 1:51They weren't logical.
26. 1:53I couldn't explain them very well.
27. 1:54So why would I care?
28. 1:57I never even actively thought about the topic until five years ago
29. 2:04when I dropped out of a job because of a burnout.
30. 2:10It was then that my very emotional side was revealed,
31. 2:15and while I rarely cried before, especially not in front of people,
32. 2:20I just couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face
33. 2:24at the most inconvenient of times anymore.
34. 2:28Several times a day,
35. 2:30I went to the restroom just to hide my suffering.
36. 2:36And that made very clear to me that I need to work on this issue.
37. 2:40But now, what is it,
38. 2:42this mysterious emotional intelligence?
39. 2:47When most people think of it,
40. 2:49they stop at the term "emotional".
41. 2:52What do you connect to it?
42. 2:55I'd say it has a bad connotation,
43. 2:58describing a person having or expressing strong feelings.
44. 3:02And this connotation is also then, therefore, emotional intelligence,
45. 3:09a misconception that I had as well.
46. 3:12However, it's crucial to differentiate
47. 3:15between emotional and the value that emotional intelligence can have,
48. 3:20because emotional intelligence is something fundamentally different.
49. 3:24It's the ability to identify and manage your emotions and those of others,
50. 3:30and it's set to include three skills.
51. 3:34First, emotional awareness,
52. 3:37so empathy towards others but also towards the self.
53. 3:42Second, the ability to harness emotions
54. 3:46and apply them to tasks like problem solving.
55. 3:50And third, the ability to manage emotions,
56. 3:54which includes regulating your own emotions
57. 3:56but also calming down or cheering up other people.
58. 4:01As you can clearly see by this contrast,
59. 4:04very emotional people do not necessarily or automatically
60. 4:08have a high emotional intelligence,
61. 4:10because they may only display their emotions freely
62. 4:14without thinking about or knowing why they have them.
63. 4:18And maybe not even considering
64. 4:20the appropriateness of showing them in the respective situation.
65. 4:25Now, lacking emotional intelligence as a kid or teenager meant for me
66. 4:32that I would channel things like loneliness or fear
67. 4:37sometimes into aggression.
68. 4:40My family background - well, let's say - is improvable.
69. 4:46So, instead of finding the support that I'd need,
70. 4:49I'd rather get it on the basis of "Oh, don't be such a crybaby"
71. 4:53than anything else.
72. 4:55My parents didn't teach me the value of emotions.
73. 4:58Therefore, losing friends or breakups
74. 5:02would hit me harder than many others
75. 5:05because I could neither fully understand my emotions,
76. 5:07nor those of the others.
77. 5:10They just didn't make sense.
78. 5:12I thought I'm not supposed to feel that way,
79. 5:15because I've never learned how to deal with emotions.
80. 5:20And with time passing, I realised
81. 5:24I'm just one of many people having this issue.
82. 5:28Have you ever thought about why people judge or bully each other,
83. 5:34beat kids, or at work, or even in toxic friendships or relationships?
84. 5:41And it can be anything, ranging from sexism to racism.
85. 5:49It's because of insecurity due to a lack of emotional intelligence,
86. 5:54because it's hard to understand the difference
87. 5:57between yourself and someone else,
88. 5:59And it's even harder to connect on an emotional level,
89. 6:03to truly comprehend where someone else is coming from.
90. 6:07And in order to change that,
91. 6:09we first of all need to consider emotional intelligence
92. 6:13as a crucial skill in our society,
93. 6:16and then also take the time to consciously work on it.
94. 6:21Currently, we do neither.
95. 6:25And we also don't give our kids, for example,
96. 6:28the space to learn the skill.
97. 6:33Kids nowadays - they are supposed to be good in school,
98. 6:37do sports, play an instrument, learn a foreign language,
99. 6:40and maybe even some additional things.
100. 6:43They don't get the chance to get to know who they are,
101. 6:46connect to themselves, and to their emotions.
102. 6:50And a fundamental part of being emotionally intelligent
103. 6:54means knowing who you are.
104. 6:58And for them to learn,
105. 7:00we also need to learn it ourselves to be the role model that they need.
106. 7:05Now you might be thinking, "Yeah, sure,
107. 7:08but how do we approach this topic - individually, but also as a society?"
108. 7:15And basically it comes down to what everything comes down to:
109. 7:19we need to learn a new skill.
110. 7:21So, when you learn a new skill,
111. 7:24you first of all need to become aware of your incompetence in the field.
112. 7:30So I got there with my burnout.
113. 7:32I'm pretty sure that you can manage that more easily,
114. 7:36and then you work on the skill
115. 7:38until you manage it to the level that you want.
116. 7:41And after a while, you will even be able to apply it
117. 7:45without actively thinking about it.
118. 7:48Take for example, your driver's license.
119. 7:50After a while you stop thinking,
120. 7:52"Oh, I need to put in the next gear" -
121. 7:54you just do so.
122. 7:56Unconscious competence achieved.
123. 7:59Now, the tricky thing, though, is
124. 8:03to get from conscious incompetence to conscious competence.
125. 8:08And we do that by learning the basics of how a car works
126. 8:12and by practicing.
127. 8:13So in the beginning it may be difficult
128. 8:15to steer the wheel at the same time as putting in the next gear,
129. 8:18but after a while, it gets easier.
130. 8:21And with emotional intelligence, it's basically the same thing.
131. 8:27So I tried to compile my experiences
132. 8:30and came up with a six-step guide
133. 8:34that hopefully helps people to get more emotionally intelligent.
134. 8:39And the first thing that we need to do is
135. 8:41we need to acknowledge our emotions.
136. 8:44But not only as such but as something valuable
137. 8:47because that's what they are.
138. 8:49According to research by António Damásio,
139. 8:52people whose brain parts that are responsible for emotions have been damaged
140. 8:57found themselves even having a harder time taking rational decisions.
141. 9:03That's how valuable they are.
142. 9:05And the very first small but simple thing that you can do
143. 9:11is you can ask people
144. 9:13with genuine interest how they are feeling.
145. 9:17And when you're asked, answer with authenticity
146. 9:21when you feel good but also when you feel bad,
147. 9:24so no "I'm fine", but also no complaining.
148. 9:28Instead of complaining about your colleagues,
149. 9:31say, "I don't feel appreciated at work", or whatever it comes down to -
150. 9:37make it an iMessage.
151. 9:40And when people show emotions,
152. 9:43tell them that it's okay to have those.
153. 9:46Talk about them.
154. 9:48Erase the taboo that I feel exists in our society of talking about emotions,
155. 9:54because that's more often than not
156. 9:57the one thing that keeps us from making the next step.
157. 10:01And the next step is differentiating and analysing emotions.
158. 10:06So sometimes when we talk about or express a feeling,
159. 10:13we substitute the original one with one that we think we know better
160. 10:17or are better at handling.
161. 10:20But there are actually a lot of different emotions
162. 10:23and all of them have their functions,
163. 10:27and all of them might also need you to handle them differently.
164. 10:32Therefore, it's important to get down to the core.
165. 10:36And then, you also need to accept and appreciate all those emotions
166. 10:41because emotions are neither good nor bad.
167. 10:44They just gain connotation through society.
168. 10:47Take, for example, grieving or sadness.
169. 10:53Why do we so desperately try to cut it out of our lives?
170. 10:57Because actually, it's just a very beautiful illustration
171. 11:01of the appreciation that we have for someone or something.
172. 11:08Now, I approach all three steps
173. 11:10by writing my emotions down in a journal just for that -
174. 11:15on need basis,
175. 11:16so not necessarily daily but sometimes only every few weeks,
176. 11:20or maybe even only every few months.
177. 11:23Friends of mine do similar things with apps if you want to be more modern.
178. 11:29And then there is the next step:
179. 11:33reflecting on your emotions and their origin
180. 11:36because sometimes just knowing why we feel the way you do
181. 11:40already helps us handle the feeling.
182. 11:44Again, for me covered when I write them down
183. 11:46because it gives me time to actively think about them.
184. 11:53And then you get to handling your emotions,
185. 11:55because that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?
186. 11:59And as that, reflecting might already suffice.
187. 12:04But it might not.
188. 12:06And you may still need to find your way on how to handle your emotions.
189. 12:11Because there's more than one way to skin a cat,
190. 12:14and I can only give you a few examples of what I did.
191. 12:17And what helped me,
192. 12:18if not handle the emotion but at least find out how to handle it ,
193. 12:22was writing it down
194. 12:24because it put distance between me and my emotions.
195. 12:28There has even been a study conducted
196. 12:30on the positive effects of written expression of emotions,
197. 12:35by Pennebaker and Smyth,
198. 12:36and they published it in their book "Opening Up by Writing It Down",
199. 12:40if you want to check it out.
200. 12:43Because that's actually another thing that I do:
201. 12:45I read on the topic.
202. 12:48Currently, I'm reading
203. 12:49"The Language of Emotions", by Karla McLaren.
204. 12:53Literally any book by Brené Brown is good to go,
205. 12:56but there are so many more.
206. 12:58And I talk to friends.
207. 13:00I ask them, How do you approach this situation?
208. 13:03How do you approach that topic or this emotion?
209. 13:07And then, it's more or less a trial-and-error principle.
210. 13:11Sometimes it may be sports,
211. 13:13sometimes it may be meditation.
212. 13:14It's just important that you find your individual way.
213. 13:20And then, handling the emotions of others.
214. 13:24And I'd say as soon as you master your emotions,
215. 13:27but also in the process of getting better at it,
216. 13:30you will find it easier and easier
217. 13:32to also handle the emotions of others
218. 13:34because you have a different understanding.
219. 13:37And understanding and awareness are the keys.
220. 13:41It gets even easier
221. 13:43because you can simply ask the other person how you can support them
222. 13:49because they might know.
223. 13:51Or, you can also ask them how they can support themselves,
224. 13:55because that way you know only help them in the acute situation
225. 13:59but you actually help them develop their emotional intelligence.
226. 14:05And then, when we have a few people being emotionally intelligent,
227. 14:09we also need to think about "How can we teach our next generation?"
228. 14:15And as a society, I feel the most important thing that we need to do is
229. 14:19implement emotional education in school.
230. 14:22Teach children about the different emotions and their functions.
231. 14:27Give them a space to openly talk about them
232. 14:30so that they can acknowledge their emotions.
233. 14:33Help them to accept and appreciate them.
234. 14:37To be honest, it's not that difficult.
235. 14:39Most of the things that I mention
236. 14:40can be easily put into practice in schools.
237. 14:43I mean, how many books have you read in school?
238. 14:48Why not make some of them about emotional intelligence?
239. 14:51Or make kids work on case studies together
240. 14:55so that they can exchange their ideas on how to approach topics.
241. 15:00And if we're lucky,
242. 15:03they get out of school having learned this fundamental and crucial skill
243. 15:08of emotional intelligence.
244. 15:13Imagine the world that we would be living in.
245. 15:18If every one of us was emotionally intelligent,
246. 15:22what do you think would change?
247. 15:25Being emotionally intelligent means
248. 15:27knowing and understanding yourself.
249. 15:30Thus, it helps you make better decisions.
250. 15:33It would spare us from emotional suffering
251. 15:36because we know where it comes from
252. 15:39and we know how to handle it -
253. 15:41and maybe not even impose it upon others.
254. 15:45It would help us deal with interpersonal relationships
255. 15:48because we also connect on a different level.
256. 15:51And interpersonal relationships are everywhere.
257. 15:56Just think about it.
258. 15:58What would it mean to have an emotionally intelligent boss?
259. 16:04Or what would it mean to have an emotionally intelligent parent?
260. 16:10If we were all emotionally intelligent,
261. 16:13how would we approach differences?
262. 16:18Or how would we approach topics like mental health?
263. 16:23Or how would we approach conflicts?
264. 16:29Just imagine the world that we would be living in -
265. 16:33a world full of mutual understanding,
266. 16:35acceptance, tolerance and connection -
267. 16:39a truly inclusive world.
268. 16:43How awesome would that be?
269. 16:46Thank you.
270. 16:47(Applause)