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5 Things You Should Never Expect from Others | The Wisdom of Lao Tzu — Transcript

by Worn Not Broken · 2,591 words · 436 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00You sent a message. You thought about it
0:02first. You picked your words carefully.
0:05And right underneath it, two blue check
0:07marks appeared. Seen. So, they read it.
0:10And then, nothing. 5 minutes, an hour,
0:14the whole night. You keep picking up
0:16your phone,
0:17checking the screen, and putting it back
0:19down.
0:21And there's a small [music] ache in your
0:22chest that nobody put there.
0:24Nobody yelled at you.
0:26Nobody betrayed you. [music] They just
0:28didn't do what you had quietly decided
0:30they would do.
0:32So, be honest with me.
0:34How many nights this year have you lost
0:36because someone didn't follow a script
0:38that only you had read?
0:412,500 years ago, Laozi saw this clearly.
0:45"People don't break us," he said.
0:48"Our expectations of them do." Today,
0:50I'm going to give you five things you
0:52should never expect from other people.
0:54And I'm not saying this so you'll love
0:57less. I'm saying it so you can love
0:59without wearing yourself out. The fifth
1:02one might make you pause this video and
1:04call someone.
1:06And at the end, there's a story about a
1:08man crossing a river in the fog. It
1:10explains exactly why you're so tired.
1:13But first, 10 seconds.
1:16Think of one person who has disappointed
1:18you lately. Don't think about what they
1:20did. Think about what you wanted from
1:23them.
1:23Give that wanting a single word. Just
1:26one. Hold on to it because we're coming
1:28back to it at the end. Okay, let's begin
1:31the first thing.
1:33Don't expect people to give back what
1:35you gave. All of us carry an invisible
1:38ledger. Who called first? Who remembered
1:40our birthday? Who helped us move
1:43apartments?
1:44And who vanished right when we needed
1:46them? Look at Megan.
1:48For 8 years, she's been the first to
1:50text everyone happy birthday.
1:53She books the table. She brings the
1:55cake. She gets everybody in the same
1:57room. Then one week, she gets a terrible
2:00flu and for 3 days nobody calls and out
2:05of her mouth comes the sentence that has
2:07come out of all of ours at some point.
2:09Did so much for them and look what I
2:11got. Here's the hard part. Megan wasn't
2:14giving. Megan was investing.
2:17And when an investment doesn't pay out,
2:19it hurts.
2:20Lousy gave us a simple picture for this,
2:23a spring. A spring offers water to
2:25everyone who passes by and never asks to
2:28be thanked and it never runs dry.
2:32The one who runs dry is the one who
2:34gives while counting what's coming back.
2:36And here's something nobody tells us. A
2:39lot of people do give back.
2:41Just in a different language.
2:43Your brother may never say thank you,
2:45but he'll quietly fix your car.
2:48Your dad may never say I love you,
2:51but he'll call every Sunday to talk
2:53about the weather. You were waiting to
2:55hear one language
2:57and they were speaking another. Today's
2:59practice is one question.
3:01Before you give something, help someone
3:04or let something go, ask yourself,
3:07am I doing this because I want to or
3:09because I want to be seen doing it?
3:11If it's the first, give with open hands.
3:14If it's the second, say it out loud and
3:16ask for what you need. Asking plainly is
3:19honest.
3:20Silently expecting is a trap you set for
3:23your own feet.
3:24The second thing,
3:26don't expect them to change. And this is
3:27where we lie to ourselves the most. We
3:30say,
3:31I don't want to change him. I just want
3:33to help him become better.
3:35It sounds so kind,
3:37but it's the same thing. Look at Daniel.
3:40For 20 years, he's been waiting to hear
3:42one sentence from his father.
3:44Son, I'm proud of you.
3:47After every success he thinks, this time
3:49he'll say it.
3:50And every time his dad nods and goes
3:52back to his coffee.
3:54And every time Daniel breaks a little
3:56more.
3:57Daniel isn't looking at his father. He's
4:00waiting for a father who never arrived.
4:03He's in a relationship with an imaginary
4:05version while the real man sits right
4:07next to him drinking coffee. Laozi said
4:10that a person who stands on tiptoe can't
4:12stand for long.
4:14Soon they tire out
4:16and they haven't grown 1 in taller.
4:19Think about a river.
4:20You can drop stones in it. You can build
4:23a wall, but you can't make it climb a
4:25mountain.
4:26It flows where its nature takes it.
4:28Build a dam and it pulls up. It grows
4:31restless and eventually it breaks
4:33through.
4:34People are the same.
4:36The harder you push, the harder they
4:38defend. That's why so many relationships
4:40don't die in one big fight.
4:43They die from years of slow exhaustion
4:45from saying again and again, "Please be
4:48someone else."
4:49Now, the hopeful part. Seeing someone as
4:52they are doesn't mean you stay forever.
4:54It means you decide with open eyes.
4:58And whatever you decide, it gives back
4:59something you've been losing for years.
5:02Peace. So, change the question today.
5:06Don't ask, "When will they change?" Ask,
5:09"If they never change, can I live with
5:10this?"
5:12If yes, drop the waiting. If no, you've
5:15got your answer. And of course, if
5:17there's abuse or fear in the
5:18relationship, none of this applies.
5:21Reach out for help. Always, if what
5:24you've heard so far feels a little too
5:25familiar, tap like and subscribe so that
5:29next time your head feels heavy, this
5:32voice can find you because what's coming
5:34next is something Laozi lived through
5:36himself, the third thing.
5:38Don't expect anyone to understand you
5:40completely.
5:41Jess lost her job.
5:43She worked up the courage to tell her
5:45mom. Her mom said, "It's okay,
5:49sweetheart. Just eat something first."
5:52And Jess felt like she hadn't been heard
5:54at all, so she told her closest friend.
5:57Her friend listed three ways to fix her
5:59resume
6:00and Jess thought what all of us think,
6:03"Nobody gets me." Now, here's the most
6:05beautiful part.
6:06Lousy felt the same way.
6:09He wrote that his words were easy to
6:11understand, easy to practice,
6:14and yet nobody in the world could
6:15understand them. The man who wrote one
6:17of the most widely read books in history
6:19still felt alone.
6:21And Zhuangzi, who came after him, left
6:24us a scene.
6:26He was walking with his friend Huizi on
6:27a bridge over a river.
6:30Fish were swimming below. Zhuangzi said,
6:33"Look how happy the fish are."
6:35Huizi, a man of logic, said, "You're not
6:37a fish.
6:39How do you know they're happy?"
6:40Zhuangzi answered, "You're not me. How
6:43do you know I don't know?" And they
6:45argued for a long time. But think about
6:47it.
6:48What Zhuangzi was feeling on that bridge
6:50could never be poured into Huizi with
6:53words. Nobody can fully step inside your
6:56experience.
6:57Not your mother, not your partner, not
6:59your closest friend.
7:01That's not their failing.
7:03That's just how it is to be a person.
7:06When you demand to be fully understood,
7:08you're asking for the impossible, and
7:10you get frustration in return.
7:13But when you accept that someone can sit
7:15beside you without fully understanding,
7:18something shifts.
7:20You stop feeling alone.
7:22You start feeling accompanied. Jess's
7:24mom didn't understand that day,
7:27but she warmed up dinner.
7:29That was her language. Today's practice.
7:32When someone tries to understand you,
7:34even clumsily, honor the effort, not the
7:37result.
7:38And next time you want to say, "You just
7:40don't get me," try this instead.
7:43"I don't need you to understand it all.
7:45I just need you to stay with me for a
7:47while."
7:48It's easier to say, and almost every
7:50time the other person stays.
7:53The fourth thing. Don't expect anyone to
7:55make you happy.
7:57And this is the one that sting most
7:58people without them realizing it.
8:01Almost every relationship carries a
8:03hidden promise.
8:05When the right person comes, this
8:07emptiness will fill. When I get that
8:09job, that house, that recognition, then
8:12I'll feel whole. Alex did exactly that.
8:15First, he changed cities to be happy.
8:18Then he changed jobs. Then he changed
8:20partners.
8:21And in every new place, the same person
8:24was waiting for him. Alex.
8:27He was carrying an empty space inside
8:29and searching the whole world to fill
8:31it. Picture two people, each holding an
8:34empty bucket.
8:35Each one is hoping the other will fill
8:37it. Neither of them sees that there's a
8:40well in their own backyard. Lousy said
8:43it like it was written for today.
8:46Without stepping out your door, you can
8:48know the world.
8:50The farther you go, the less you know.
8:52Another person can be a companion to
8:54your joy.
8:55They can grow it. They can share it.
8:58But they can't build it for you.
9:00And when a relationship rests on that,
9:03one person feels like they never give
9:05enough. The other feels like they never
9:07receive enough. Today's practice.
9:10Write down three things that give you
9:11peace and depend only on you.
9:14An evening walk, an old song,
9:17a warm cup of coffee by the window. Next
9:20time that empty feeling shows up, go to
9:22those first and to people second.
9:26You'll arrive with full hands, not empty
9:28ones.
9:29And a relationship between two full
9:31people is a light one.
9:33They don't need each other to survive.
9:35They choose each other.
9:37That's the difference between love and
9:39dependence. Take a deep breath
9:42because the fifth one is coming, the one
9:45that took me the longest to write.
9:47Don't expect them to always be there.
9:50Our minds run as if the people we love
9:52will never leave.
9:54Mom and dad, brothers and sisters, that
9:56childhood friend who always picks up,
9:59and we keep saying,
10:00"I'll call next week. I'll visit when I
10:03get time off. I'll tell them later."
10:05Lousy put it in a single image. A strong
10:08wind doesn't blow all morning.
10:11A downpour doesn't last all day.
10:13If even heaven and earth can't make
10:15anything last, how could a human being?
10:17Everything is a tide. People arrive,
10:20stay a while, change, drift away, get
10:23sick, and one day say goodbye.
10:27None of the people we love come with a
10:29guarantee. There's a Harvard study that
10:31has been running since 1938. It has
10:34followed the same group of people
10:35through their entire lives.
10:38And its researchers keep arriving at the
10:39same conclusion.
10:41What matters most for a good, healthy
10:44life is the quality of our
10:45relationships.
10:47Not money, not success.
10:50People.
10:51And still, we treat those people like a
10:54stock that will never run out. Ben
10:56visited his parents every couple of
10:58months.
10:59And every time he picked up his bag to
11:01leave, his dad walked him out to the
11:03car. Ben was always a little in a hurry.
11:06He'd say, "Next time I'll stay longer."
11:08His dad would smile and say, "Sure,
11:11sure. Drive safe. Text me when you get
11:13there." This went on for years. Then one
11:16visit, as Ben was leaving, nobody was
11:19standing in the driveway.
11:21Even now, every time he pulls out, Ben
11:24looks at that spot.
11:25He'd give anything to hear it one more
11:27time.
11:28"Text me when you get there." Expecting
11:30someone to always be there isn't love.
11:33It's taking them for granted.
11:35And the Dow offers something different.
11:38Love in the present.
11:40The way you watch a sunset, knowing
11:42tomorrow's will never look exactly the
11:44same. Today's practice takes 1 minute.
11:47Before this day ends, call or text one
11:50person and say the thing you've been
11:52putting off. It doesn't need a special
11:54occasion.
11:56One sentence is enough. I'm glad you
11:58exist. Next time you're sitting with
12:00someone you love, put your phone across
12:02the room for 10 minutes. Just 10.
12:06Watch how they talk. How they laugh.
12:09Remember it. And now, the story I
12:11promised.
12:12It comes from Zhuangzi, and it's about
12:142,300 years old.
12:17A man was crossing a river in his boat.
12:20The fog was so thick he couldn't even
12:22see the shore.
12:23Suddenly, another boat came straight at
12:26him and slammed into his. The man had a
12:28short temper,
12:30but he didn't get angry.
12:32Why? Because he looked and the other
12:34boat was empty.
12:36Someone's mooring rope had come loose
12:38and the current had carried it right to
12:40him.
12:41He let out a long breath, pushed it away
12:43with his pole, and went on his way.
12:46Now, imagine there had been someone in
12:47that boat.
12:49The man would have shouted, "Hey,
12:51watch where you're going."
12:53If there was no answer, he'd shout
12:55again.
12:57And the third time, he'd curse. Notice
12:59this, the collision was the same, the
13:02boat was the same,
13:04the fog was the same.
13:05The only thing that changed was that now
13:07someone was inside.
13:09And Zhuangzi ends it in one line, "If a
13:11person can empty their own boat as they
13:13cross the river of the world, no one can
13:16harm them."
13:17Now, go back to the person who came to
13:19mind [clears throat]
13:20at the start of this video.
13:22Most of the time, they didn't come at
13:25you on purpose. They were moving through
13:27their own fog,
13:28with their own fears and their own
13:30exhaustion,
13:32and they bumped into you without even
13:34seeing you.
13:36But when you expect something from them,
13:38you climb into their empty boat and fill
13:40it with your story.
13:42They did it on purpose. They don't care.
13:45They owed me this.
13:47And then the bump stops being a bump. It
13:49becomes an insult. Your boss didn't
13:52return your good morning. Your friend
13:54took 3 days to reply.
13:56Your neighbor looked right through you.
13:59Three empty boats and you filled each
14:01one with intentions that were never
14:03there.
14:04And the truth is, most of them were lost
14:07in their own thoughts.
14:08Now, a 1-minute exercise.
14:11I call it emptying the boat.
14:13Do it with me if you can. Close your
14:15eyes.
14:16Take a deep breath through your nose.
14:19Go back to that person
14:21and to the one word you chose at the
14:22beginning, the thing you wanted from
14:24them.
14:25Now imagine their boat alone in the fog,
14:27the current pushing it along, their own
14:30fears sitting inside it, and softly say,
14:33"I wanted this from you. Now I let it
14:36go."
14:37Take one more breath. You're not letting
14:39go of love.
14:40You're letting go of the debt. Now,
14:43quick recap. Five things you shouldn't
14:45expect from others. That they'll give
14:48back what you gave.
14:49Give with open hands. That they'll
14:51change. The one on tiptoe can't stay up.
14:55That they'll understand you completely.
14:57Honor the effort. That they'll make you
14:59happy.
15:00The well is in your own backyard. That
15:02they'll always be there.
15:04Love them now.
15:06And behind all five, one idea. Keep your
15:08boat empty.
15:10Here's a small challenge for the next 7
15:12days.
15:13Don't try all five at once.
15:15Pick just one, the one that hit you
15:17hardest today.
15:19You already know which it is.
15:21And whenever you feel your boat filling
15:23up, take one breath and remember your
15:25one word.
15:27If today is the day you start letting
15:29go, write in the comments, "My boat is
15:32empty." And tell me where in the world
15:34you're watching from.
15:36And if this video gave you even a little
15:38peace, tap like.
15:40It's a small thing,
15:42but it helps these words reach the
15:43person who needs them most today.
15:46Now come back to that first moment. Your
15:48phone is in your hand.
15:51Under your message, there's that little
15:52two blue check marks appeared. Seen.
15:55Maybe that person never hurt you at all.
15:58Maybe your boat was just full.

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