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5 Habits of Genuinely Happy People (no toxic positivity required) — Transcript

by Jillz Guerin · 2,593 words · 387 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00What is it that actually makes someone a
0:02genuinely happy person? I'm not talking
0:04about toxic positivity or someone who
0:06just posts a lot of cute pictures to
0:08Instagram, so it looks like their life
0:09is happy. I'm talking about genuine
0:12happiness. Now, I'm a very observant
0:13person, and the thing that I've noticed
0:15is that happy people tend to have
0:18similar habits and patterns and many
0:21little things in common. So, let's talk
0:23about it. What are those? What makes
0:25happy people different? Hey friend,
0:27welcome back. If you're new here, my
0:29name's Jill and I help women step into
0:30their power, tap into their divine
0:32feminine, and become their best self,
0:33live their best life. So, if that's
0:35something you want to do, you should
0:37subscribe and stick around. And if you
0:38want more from me, you should get on my
0:39newsletter. It's called the Dream Life
0:41Digest. It lands in your inbox for free
0:43every Tuesday, and it's where I go a
0:45little bit deeper. So, the link for that
0:46is down below, but let's get into it.
0:48So, you want to know what is the number
0:49one habit of happy people that I have
0:53noticed?
0:54It's that they're excited for things.
0:56They still have excitement in their
0:57life, and they stay excited about all
1:00the little things. They get excited for
1:01the first day of fall. They get excited
1:04to try that new little restaurant.
1:05Christmas isn't just a day, it's a whole
1:07season. They romanticize their life. And
1:09it's the super little things, too, you
1:11know, like they're excited about waking
1:12up and drinking their morning cup of
1:14coffee. That excitement and
1:16romanticizing everything, it brings
1:19whimsy into your life, and it brings
1:21gratitude into your life. And I think
1:24having excitement for things, big or
1:25small, is really underrated. And they've
1:27studied this, they've actually proved
1:29this. When you go on vacation, the
1:32largest happiness boost that you get
1:34from that vacation actually happens
1:37before you even leave your house, before
1:38you even go on vacation. It's not the
1:40actual vacation itself, it's the
1:43anticipation
1:44leading up to said vacation. And it's
1:47interesting because this is why
1:48scrolling can actually be so addictive,
1:50because your brain is constantly chasing
1:53and anticipating what's next. And that
1:56anticipation high, the dopamine you get
1:59from that is really, really powerful.
2:01And so, having anticipation for good
2:03things is actually a really consistent
2:05predictor of well-being. So, happy
2:08people stay excited for things. Or
2:10another way that I like to think of it
2:12is they have a low threshold for
2:14delight. So, they let a sunny morning or
2:17a yummy snack or a fun weekend brunch
2:20date feel exciting. And side note, this
2:23is also why I love dressing up in cute
2:25outfits every day because it makes every
2:26day feel more exciting. Next, I think we
2:28all know that sometimes not so great
2:31thoughts just pop into your head,
2:33whether they're weird thoughts or
2:35self-deprecating thoughts or anxious
2:37thoughts or insecure thoughts. And the
2:38thing is is that you can't stop a
2:40thought. But, the next habit of happy
2:42people is that they don't believe
2:44everything that pops into their head.
2:45The brain produces over like 6,000
2:48thoughts a day. That's a lot of
2:49thoughts, and most of them are just
2:52noise. Happy people have negative
2:54thoughts, too. They're not immune to it.
2:57Like I said, that thought is automatic.
2:58You can't really stop a thought, but
3:01believing it, on the other hand, is a
3:03choice. Taking every single thought that
3:05pops into your brain so seriously, that
3:08is a choice. A lot of the suffering that
3:10we experience as human beings isn't
3:12necessarily about what's happening, it's
3:14from what our brain is saying about
3:17what's happening and what you're
3:18focusing your attention on. When you get
3:20a negative thought, do you grab onto it
3:23and replay it and build a whole story
3:26around it in your head, or do you try to
3:28argue against it in your head, or do you
3:31just let it pass and not take it so
3:32seriously? Because happy people do the
3:35latter. Think about it. There's a big
3:37difference between someone thinking,
3:39"I'm a failure." versus "I'm having the
3:42thought that I'm a failure." Same sort
3:44of thoughts, but completely different
3:47relationship to it. One feels massive
3:49and like like going to ruin your whole
3:50life, and the other one feels more like
3:52an observation, and observations are
3:55easier to let go. Now, before we keep
3:57going, I do want to thank BetterHelp for
3:58kindly sponsoring today's video. When we
4:00talk about happy people, most people
4:02focus on the external stuff, like having
4:05friends and hobbies and a full life, and
4:06yes, that matters, but real happiness
4:08isn't just what's happening around you,
4:10it's also what's happening within you.
4:12Your mindset, your emotional world, and
4:14the way you relate to your own thoughts.
4:16And it's really hard to feel genuinely
4:17happy when your inner critic is loud or
4:19when you believe every negative thought
4:21that pops into your head. That's why
4:23having the right support matters,
4:24whether you're dealing with anxiety or
4:26negative thought patterns or self-worth
4:27stuff, or you're just trying to break
4:29habits that aren't serving you anymore.
4:31Having someone to actually talk to makes
4:33a difference. Therapy gives you a space
4:35to work through what's coming up and
4:36start shifting that inner dialogue, so
4:38that the happiness you're cultivating on
4:40the outside actually matches how you
4:41feel on the inside. And sometimes just
4:43having an outside perspective can help
4:44you get out of your own head and see
4:46things in a new light. That's where
4:47BetterHelp comes in. BetterHelp is an
4:48online therapy platform that makes it
4:50easy and convenient to get matched with
4:52a licensed therapist. No waiting rooms,
4:54no commuting, just professional support
4:55from home on your own schedule. You just
4:57fill out a brief questionnaire and get
4:59matched with a therapist within a couple
5:00days, and if that first match isn't the
5:02right fit, you can switch to a new
5:04therapist at any time at no extra cost.
5:06If therapy feels like the right next
5:07step for you, just click the link in the
5:09description or go to
5:10betterhelp.com/jills
5:12to get 10% off your first month. Okay,
5:14this next one is huge and a little
5:15ironic, but happy people are not always
5:18trying to be happy. It's a bit of a
5:21paradox, but it's true. Happy people are
5:24absorbed in something other than
5:26happiness. A project that excites them
5:28or hobbies that excite them. A goal that
5:30adds fulfillment to their life or
5:32relationships that feel rewarding.
5:34Happiness is not the focus, it's just a
5:37byproduct. We see this a lot in life,
5:39you know, the more that you want
5:40something, the more that that thing
5:42evades you. It's like trying to fall
5:44asleep. The harder you try to fall
5:45asleep, the more awake you become, and
5:47the only way that you can sleep is by
5:49stopping the trying. Iris Mauss at UC
5:52Berkeley actually ran research showing
5:54that people who explicitly value
5:56happiness as a goal actually report
5:59being less happy, more lonely, and more
6:02depressed than people who don't. And
6:03that basically when happiness becomes
6:05the goal, you start monitoring for it
6:07and chasing it and always thinking about
6:10it. And that constant monitoring creates
6:12a gap between where you are and where
6:14you think you should be. And that gap is
6:17where the suffering lies. Victor Frankl,
6:19he's the author of A Man's Search for
6:21Meaning, it's a good book. He said this
6:23very well. He said, "Happiness cannot be
6:25pursued, it must ensue." Meaning
6:28happiness is not a target, you don't aim
6:30at it. You aim at something worth doing
6:33and happiness shows up as a side effect.
6:35And you see this paradox a lot. The
6:36person who desperately wants love repels
6:39people, but the person living their best
6:41life and absorbed in something wonderful
6:43attracts them. Or the second you try to
6:45be cool, you're not cool, right? Cuz
6:47cool is the absence of trying. There are
6:49just some things that the more you
6:51chase, the farther it runs away from
6:53you. And I think happiness is one of
6:55those things. Now, this next one is
6:57actually another sort of paradox that's
6:58really interesting. It's called the
7:00paradox of choice. Happy people do not
7:03get bogged down by choice and they stay
7:05committed to their decisions. This one
7:07is very counterintuitive, but it's true.
7:09We think that more options
7:12will give us more freedom and therefore
7:14more happiness.
7:15But often it is shown that the exact
7:17opposite is true. The more options we
7:19keep open, usually the less happy we
7:21are. Barry Schwartz, he wrote a book on
7:23this called The Paradox of Choice. And
7:25he did this research where he studied
7:26two different types of people,
7:28maximizers versus satisficers.
7:30Maximizers are people who need to find
7:32the very best option, where satisficers
7:36pick good enough and move on. And what
7:37he found is that maximizers are more
7:40depressed, more prone to regret, more of
7:44a perfectionist, not surprisingly, and
7:46most importantly, less happy than
7:49satisficers. The people obsessively
7:51optimizing their lives were the ones
7:53suffering the most. [music] And we see
7:55this kind of thing over and over again.
7:56There was this one study done at Harvard
7:58where photography students were told to
8:00take a bunch of pictures, and then they
8:02got to pick one and keep that one. Half
8:04of them were told that they could swap
8:06their photo anytime in the next few
8:07days, but the other half were told that
8:10that choice was final. No take-backs.
8:12And the group that couldn't change their
8:13mind ended up significantly happier with
8:16their photo, whereas the other group,
8:18the group that could swap, they kept
8:20second-guessing, they kept evaluating,
8:22and they never came to love the one that
8:23they had. People predict that they will
8:25be happier when they have the freedom to
8:28change their minds and all these other
8:30options, but in fact, the opposite is
8:32true. It can actually end up being the
8:34very thing keeping you from settling
8:37into what you have now. It's like
8:38doom-scrolling homes on Zillow in cities
8:40you're never going to move to. You know,
8:41if you keep asking yourself, "Well, but
8:43what if I move? But what if I move here?
8:45What if I move there?" It means you
8:46probably aren't ever fully present or
8:49able to enjoy the city you live in now.
8:51And of course, there's nothing wrong
8:52with having options and being thoughtful
8:54about what's best for you and your life,
8:57>> [music]
8:57>> but I do think there is a balance there.
9:00And happy people don't constantly
9:02renegotiate with their life. They don't
9:03question everything constantly. They
9:05pick something, they're living in it.
9:07They put their energy into actually
9:08being there. The internet has turned us
9:10all into maximizers. You know, every
9:13time we scroll TikTok, it's like one
9:15scroll, we're looking at this girl in
9:16Dubai who's making a ton of money and
9:17has all these fancy cars and this big
9:19business, and then the next scroll is
9:21some wonderful lady on a farm with her
9:23cows. Every life option is visible to
9:26us. So, you can see every city you
9:28didn't move to, every career path that
9:30you didn't pick, every body type that
9:32you don't have, every relationship that
9:34you're not in. We're being trained all
9:36day, every day to keep evaluating, to
9:38never commit, to always wonder. I notice
9:41this when I scroll too much. I start
9:43thinking, "Oh, well, I could do that, or
9:45I could do that, right? Or I can move to
9:46Paris, or I could have a kid, or maybe I
9:49should live on a farm and make my own
9:51cheese." And you know what? All of that
9:52stuff does open you up to new
9:54possibilities, and I think that's good,
9:57but it also comes to a point where it
10:00just starts to make you miserable. This
10:02is honestly probably one of the biggest
10:05reasons why our generation is less happy
10:08than previous generations. They didn't
10:10have the option to constantly compare
10:13like we do. They committed because there
10:15was, you know, no infinite menu to keep
10:17scrolling. Commitment is its own kind of
10:19freedom. And the longer you have that
10:22exit door in your mind,
10:25the less happy you'll be in that room.
10:26Now, this next one is not as surprising,
10:28but there's this famous Harvard study.
10:31You might have heard of it on happiness.
10:32It's been going for like over 80 years.
10:34It's the longest study on happiness
10:36that's ever been conducted. And the
10:37single biggest predictor of long-term
10:40happiness, more than money, more than
10:42success, even more than health, the
10:44biggest predictor of long-term happiness
10:46was the quality of their relationships.
10:48But, I want to point out something. It's
10:50not just about having relationships and
10:52having some people in your life. It's
10:54about the quality of your relationships.
10:57That's a big difference. And the thing
10:58about genuinely happy people is, yes,
11:01they have relationships, but they
11:02actually like
11:04>> [music]
11:04>> the people in their life. They trust
11:06them. Quality. Do you feel like you can
11:09be yourself around the people in your
11:10life? Do you have people that you can
11:13truly rely on? Do you feel loved by the
11:15people around you? In that famous study,
11:17people with even just one or two deeply
11:20loving, trustworthy, safe relationships,
11:24they did better health and
11:25happiness-wise than someone who may have
11:27a big social network, but that quality
11:30was not there. And they didn't have
11:32anyone that they could feel they could
11:33really count on. The people in your life
11:35affect you more than you think because
11:37at the end of the day, we are human
11:38beings. We are mammals. We are community
11:40driven. It is literally in our biology.
11:42And honestly, what this comes down to is
11:45nervous system regulation. We are not
11:47designed as community driven beings to
11:51regulate our nervous systems alone or to
11:54have regulated nervous systems alone.
11:56We're supposed to regulate in community
11:58with one another. When you're around
11:59people you trust, your body relaxes.
12:02When you're around people where you feel
12:04like you have to perform for them in a
12:06way, your body stays in this low-grade
12:10activated stress state. And the flip
12:12side of this is true, too. People in
12:14unhappy marriages or people who are
12:15chronically lonely have worse health
12:18outcomes than people who may be single
12:21but have good close friends. Loneliness
12:23has been measured as the health
12:24equivalent to smoking. Not
12:26metaphorically, literally. And of
12:28course, when your body is in that kind
12:30of chronic stress, your happiness
12:32suffers along with it because the two
12:34aren't separate. Let me know if you feel
12:36like there's something I missed, but in
12:37my opinion, I feel like these things are
12:41the most important when it comes to
12:42happiness. But if you have any comments
12:45or opinions, feel free to share. But you
12:46want to know something that probably
12:47isn't helping your happiness?
12:49Doomscrolling. And if that's you, you
12:51should go watch this video because here
12:53I break down the real tragedy of
12:55doomscrolling and how it's simply just a
12:56digital pacifier turning us all into
12:59losers. So, I'll see you over there or
13:01I'll just see you next time in my next
13:03video. Thank you so much for watching.
13:04Love you. Bye.

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