YT YouTube2Text

YouTube2Text → Transcripts → 무시당하는 사람이 반복하는 5가지 말투, 오늘부터 멈추세요 (심리학적 분석)

무시당하는 사람이 반복하는 5가지 말투, 오늘부터 멈추세요 (심리학적 분석) — Transcript

by 토닥교수의 심리학 · 3,560 words · 552 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

Open in transcriber Summarize with AI Download SRT/VTT

Full transcript

0:00I definitely tried to be more
0:01considerate. I apologized first, made
0:03concessions first, and smiled first.
0:06But what I got back was disregard, not
0:08respect. At some point, the other
0:10person started taking it for granted,
0:12and I became someone expected to give
0:13in. Have you ever experienced this? An
0:16expert who interviewed 2,300 people at
0:18a major corporation over 15 years says
0:20this. The difference between someone
0:23who is disregarded and someone who is
0:25respected isn't ability, looks, or
0:27education. It is just one thing: the
0:28way you speak. If you watch this video
0:31to the end today, you will gain three
0:33things. First, you will identify
0:36exactly which parts of your daily
0:37speech signal to others that it’s
0:39okay to treat you poorly. Second, you
0:42will understand the psychological roots
0:44of why you keep using that way of
0:45speaking despite knowing better. Third,
0:48you will learn a specific third way of
0:50speaking that commands respect without
0:52even having to say it. Let me ask you
0:55one question. Don’t you have someone
0:56around you who is kind and sincere but
0:58is particularly disregarded? Conversely
1:00, there are people who aren't
1:01particularly special, yet no one dares
1:03to treat them poorly. We usually think
1:06like this. That the other person
1:08disregards us because they have a bad
1:09character. Or that I’m just unlucky
1:11to have met such people. But if you
1:13look at it coldly, you see something a
1:15bit different. When meeting someone,
1:18the human brain makes a judgment in a
1:20very short moment. Is this someone I
1:22should be careful with, or someone I
1:24can treat easily? And once that
1:27decision is made, it doesn't change
1:28easily. What’s important here is that
1:31the brain isn't looking at your
1:32education or kind personality. The
1:35brain only looks at one thing. How does
1:37this person react to my actions? The
1:40other person's brain stores someone who
1:42always concedes first, apologizes first
1:44, and cannot say no as follows. This
1:46person is someone who can be pushed
1:47around at any time. Just like a vending
1:50machine in the corner of a hallway.
1:51They are classified as a being that you
1:53can just go to and press a button
1:54whenever you need something. It’s not
1:56because the other person is consciously
1:58being malicious. We sent that signal
2:00first, and their brain simply read it.
2:03And let me tell you one thing in
2:05advance here. Being kind is never a
2:07fault. It’s just that kindness
2:09without boundaries is the problem. This
2:10video is not telling you to abandon
2:12your kindness. It is telling you to add
2:14one thing that has been missing from
2:16your kindness until now. Then, a
2:17question arises. What exactly in my way
2:20of speaking is sending the signal that
2:22it’s okay to treat me poorly? To
2:24reveal the identity of that signal,
2:26let’s turn the camera toward your
2:28ordinary day. Let’s follow the day of
2:31Ms. Lee Ji-eun. In the morning, a
2:33friend unilaterally changed the meeting
2:34time. It’s fine. I don’t mind. At
2:37lunch, a colleague dumped their work on
2:39me. Well, what can I do? I’ll do it.
2:42In the evening, a family member said
2:43something that bothered me. No, it's
2:45fine. I understand. I said I was okay
2:48all day, but in truth, I was not okay
2:50at all. These phrases have one thing in
2:53common. The fact that "I" has
2:54completely disappeared from the
2:55sentences. What kind of words are they?
2:58First, words that hide your true
2:59feelings. It’s okay. I understand.
3:02Don’t worry about it. Even when I’m
3:05not really okay and have been treated
3:07unfairly, I just brush it off quickly.
3:09Why do we do that? Because expressing
3:11negative emotions is difficult in
3:13itself. We don’t want to say anything
3:15that goes against the other person’s
3:16intent. Thinking it’s better for just
3:19me to feel bad, I suppress my feelings
3:21in the way I’m used to. But how does
3:23the other person perceive this? They
3:26take it easy, thinking that you’re
3:28really okay with it. Next time and the
3:30time after that, they care even less.
3:33As a result, you are pegged as someone
3:35who is truly okay with anything, and
3:37you get taken for granted. Second is
3:39excessive self-deprecation, which
3:41lowers your own value and invites
3:42disrespect. I’m not really good at
3:44anything. Could I really do it? At
3:47first, it might be packaged as polite
3:49humility. But when this pattern repeats
3:51, the other person’s brain begins to
3:53reclassify you as someone unworthy of
3:55respect. Why does that happen? Every
3:57time someone puts themselves down, the
3:58listener has to say, "No, that’s not
4:00true." They have to use their energy to
4:02comfort you, saying, "You’ve done
4:04well enough." You are forcing unwanted
4:06emotional labor and responsibility onto
4:08the other person. The human brain
4:10intensely avoids this kind of
4:12repetitive psychological fatigue. The
4:14moment this fatigue crosses a threshold
4:16, the other person’s subconscious
4:18makes a very cold decision. Let’s not
4:20waste any more emotional energy on this
4:22person. Eventually, the comfort stops,
4:25and my habitual self-assessment that I
4:28am inadequate is imprinted as an
4:30absolute fact in their brain. A
4:33defensive tone disguised as humility is
4:35effectively issuing a permit for others
4:38to erase your presence and treat you
4:40however they like. Third is habitual
4:44apologizing. Even when I’ve done
4:46nothing wrong, "I’m sorry" comes out
4:48first. I arrive at the meeting spot
4:50first and say, "Sorry for contacting
4:52you late." It may seem polite, but the
4:54reality is the opposite. Their brain
4:57records that this person is someone who
4:59always thinks they are at fault. You
5:02are pegged as someone weak, avoidant,
5:04and a subordinate who always needs to
5:06be sorry. What’s scarier is when you
5:09encounter a malicious person. Even if
5:11they know you aren’t apologizing
5:12because you did something wrong, they
5:14can use this to shift their own
5:15responsibilities onto you. Fourth is
5:17responding without an opinion.
5:19Everything is fine. Anything is okay.
5:21If you answer like this every time, the
5:23other person will eventually stop
5:24asking for your opinion. You end up
5:26following the decisions of those with
5:28strong convictions, and your presence
5:30naturally fades. Yet, when the result
5:32isn't to your liking, you express
5:33dissatisfaction through your
5:34expressions or attitude. From the other
5:36person’s perspective, it’s
5:37confusing whether you are truly okay
5:39with it or if there’s a right answer
5:40they’re expected to guess. The fifth
5:42is laughing off uncomfortable moments.
5:45If you give an awkward smile when
5:47someone crosses the line, that smile
5:48acts as a surrender signal, saying, "
5:50Please don't attack me; I’ll let it
5:52slide." To the other person, it signals
5:54that the situation is okay. It becomes
5:56permission for them to keep doing it.
5:58The next time they cross the line,
5:59they’ll do it again and again. And
6:01when this repression builds up over a
6:03long period, the most fatal side effect
6:05appears. The resentment and anger that
6:07festered inside while you kept saying
6:09you were okay eventually leak out as
6:12passive-aggressive behavior, like
6:14ambiguous expressions or a prickly
6:16attitude. The problem is that the other
6:17person doesn't perceive this as
6:19justified anger from someone who could
6:20no longer hold it in. Seeing you comply
6:23at first and then express inexplicable
6:25dissatisfaction later makes their brain
6:27perceive you not just as someone whose
6:28sincerity is unknown, but as someone
6:30incapable of rational communication who
6:32just acts on their emotions. In the end
6:35, you get labeled as someone who just
6:37sulks alone before acting out like that
6:39. While it was an appeal from a wounded
6:42heart, to the other person, you've
6:44handed them the perfect justification
6:46to treat you as someone who cannot
6:48engage in logical conversation and
6:50whose opinions can be safely ignored.
6:52It is the most dangerous pattern, as it
6:54goes beyond simple psychological
6:56distancing and allows them to justify
6:58ignoring you rationally. Look at the
7:01commonality in these five ways of
7:02speaking. They all erase "me" from the
7:04sentence. My feelings, my opinions, and
7:07my standards do not appear in my speech
7:09. However, there are people who
7:11definitely have feelings and opinions
7:12but still get ignored. You brought up
7:14an idea you’d been mulling over for
7:16days in a meeting. "It’s just my
7:18thought, but...""I might be wrong, but
7:20I thought maybe it would be better if
7:21we did it this way..." You got passed
7:23over. But when a colleague next to you
7:25presented the same idea by saying, "We
7:27have to go this way," it was
7:28immediately adopted. The content of the
7:30idea was almost the same. The only
7:32thing that was different was the
7:33packaging. If the previous point was
7:36about what you say, this one is about
7:38how you say it. The first issue is
7:41buffering. It’s the habit of
7:43cluttering your speech with words like
7:45"just,""a bit,""if,""in my opinion," or
7:47"I'm not sure, but." In linguistics,
7:49this is called hedging, or simply put,
7:51"fencing language." You're building a
7:54fence around your words to try to
7:55escape responsibility. The problem is
7:58that this fence doesn't protect you; it
7:59becomes a confession that says, "I have
8:01no confidence in what I'm saying." Try
8:03comparing these. It's just my opinion.
8:05I think it might be better if you do it
8:08this way. If you remove the filler from
8:11this sentence, it looks like this. This
8:13part is better done this way. The
8:15content is the same. However, the first
8:17sentence sounds like a minor detail to
8:19ignore, while the second sounds like a
8:21judgment that needs review. The
8:22criteria for checking are simple. If
8:24the sentence makes sense without "just,
8:26""maybe," or "possibly," remove them.
8:28Those words don't show humility; they
8:30undermine the weight of your words. The
8:33second problem is uptalk. It's a
8:36phenomenon linguists call "uptalk."
8:38Simply put, it's the habit of raising
8:40the end of a statement as if asking a
8:42question. Wouldn't this work? Is it
8:45okay if I give it to you by tomorrow? "
8:47Is this right?" at the end of every
8:48sentence. "Could you give me permission
8:50?" These signal that you're seeking
8:51validation from the other person. The
8:53point is simple. When stating your
8:56judgment, lower your tone at the end.
8:58Not "wouldn't this work," but "I will
8:59do it this way." Drop the end as if you
9:02are placing a period. Only raise the
9:04end when you truly need the other
9:06person's decision. Lower for decisions,
9:08raise for questions. Just following
9:11this distinction changes the weight of
9:14your speech. The third problem is a
9:17fast, high-pitched voice. The more
9:19anxious a person is, the higher and
9:21faster they speak. Conversely, a low
9:23and slow voice signals: "I am not
9:25rushing." It signals a status of not
9:27being anxious. Try lowering your voice
9:30a bit and speaking slightly slower than
9:32usual. Speech experts recommend the 3-
9:35to-1 rule. For every three times you
9:37speak quickly, consciously speak slowly
9:39once. Just creating space by exhaling
9:42after a word makes a difference. Fourth
9:45, a vague, hollow way of speaking.
9:49Things are going well. I will try my
9:51best. There is a bit of a problem.
9:53These kinds of statements lack specific
9:55information. The moment the brain
9:57senses that something is empty or
9:59obvious, it immediately switches off
10:00and stops paying attention. That's why
10:03a clear fact like "we grew 30%compared
10:06to last year" hits home much harder
10:09than vague rhetoric like "we achieved
10:12dramatic growth." Habitual exaggeration
10:14is also a culprit that robs your words
10:17of weight. What happens if you frame
10:19everything with sensational modifiers
10:20like "huge,""really,""totally," or "
10:22crazy"? It might grab attention once or
10:25twice, but eventually, the listener
10:27unconsciously decides they should take
10:29what you say with a grain of salt. You
10:32end up lowering your own average
10:34credibility, causing even your serious
10:37words to be taken lightly. The fifth is
10:40the habit of speaking excessively in
10:42questions. Is this right? What do you
10:44think? Asking questions in itself isn't
10:47bad. However, if you always leave
10:49decisions to others without sharing
10:50your opinion, you will be seen as
10:52someone with no judgment of your own.
10:54When expressing an opinion, it is more
10:55effective to state your thoughts first
10:57and then ask a question. I think this
10:59way, what do you think? This
11:01one-sentence difference distinguishes
11:03those who lead from those who follow.
11:05To summarize so far, fixing a tone that
11:07leads to being ignored involves two
11:09steps. It's not enough to just have an
11:11opinion; you must also manage the way
11:13that opinion is delivered. But just
11:16because you know this, can you change
11:17it right away? Honestly, these ways of
11:20speaking are too automatic. Think about
11:22the very moment the words "that's fine"
11:24slip out. Your true feeling is not that
11:26things are "fine." You were afraid of
11:29being disliked for refusing, anxious
11:31about ruining the mood, ashamed of
11:34being seen as sensitive, or simply
11:36uncomfortable revealing your true
11:38feelings—it's one of these emotions.
11:41Adding fillers or buffers is the same
11:43thing. You are defending yourself in
11:45advance because of the fear that your
11:47opinion might not be accepted. Habitual
11:49apologizing follows the same structure.
11:52You hide behind the act of apologizing
11:53to suppress other emotions and settle
11:55things before a conflict even starts.
11:58Not speaking your opinion is the same.
12:01You are running away because you fear
12:02your expression might make someone
12:03uncomfortable. There is one thing I
12:05really want to point out here. This is
12:08not a character trait that cannot be
12:09changed. It is an emotional processing
12:11method repeated in specific situations
12:13that has solidified into a way of
12:14speaking. Just like how your feet
12:16automatically walk the same path when
12:18you commute every day, avoiding
12:20rejection and suppressing emotions have
12:22become automated habits after being
12:24repeated for a long time. However, the
12:27fact that it is a habit also means it
12:29can be changed. There is one more thing
12:31to check when you feel you are being
12:33ignored. Are you perhaps thinking for
12:36yourself that you are not important? If
12:38you don't know how to respect yourself,
12:40it is difficult to expect others to
12:42respect you first. The way you treat
12:44yourself creates the way others treat
12:46you. If so, what is the solution?
12:49Should you just speak more forcefully?
12:51Many people make a mistake here.
12:53Thinking that to avoid being ignored,
12:55one must speak harshly and coldly. They
12:57are trapped in a dichotomy of thinking
12:58that speaking strongly leads to
13:00fighting, while enduring leads to being
13:01ignored, so they feel helpless. But the
13:03key to a tone that commands respect is
13:05not intensity. Does your own standard
13:06show in your speech? That is everything
13:09. Between speaking forcefully and
13:11enduring, there is a third way you
13:13haven't seen yet. Speaking with your
13:15own standards is implemented through
13:17four techniques. And all four of these
13:20express the same message in different
13:21ways. I have my own standards and I
13:24have no intention of reversing my words
13:26. First, remove fillers and speak in
13:28definitive sentences. I showed you that
13:29earlier. It's just my opinion. I think
13:32it would be better if we did it this
13:34way. By removing the filler, it becomes
13:37"It's better to do it this way." The
13:40content is the same, but the signal
13:41that hits the listener's brain is
13:43completely different. One is a
13:45suggestion that can be ignored, and the
13:47other is a judgment that must be
13:49considered. Second, ask back without
13:51emotion. When someone makes a
13:53dismissive remark, most people react in
13:55one of two ways. They swallow it or
13:58they snap back; if you swallow it, you
14:00become an easy target, and if you snap,
14:01you look sensitive. Both lead to losing
14:04. The most powerful response is to
14:06remove emotion and ask back calmly.
14:09What exactly do you mean by that? Could
14:11you explain specifically what I didn't
14:13understand? Keep your expression calm,
14:16as if you are genuinely curious;
14:18dismissive or sarcastic remarks only
14:19have power when they are vague, but in
14:21reality, the person saying them usually
14:24does so out of emotion, lacking
14:25substance. If you ask specifically,
14:27they are forced into a position where
14:28they must explain their words logically
14:30. The upper hand shifts to you in an
14:32instant. The other person realizes it
14:34instinctively. That they shouldn't mess
14:36with this person. That if they throw
14:37something, it will come back. Third,
14:39endure the silence. This is the most
14:42powerful technique. The final habit of
14:44people who get ignored is that they
14:45cannot stand the silence. They cannot
14:47bear the awkward silence after an
14:48unreasonable demand or pressure, so
14:50they start making excuses. The longer
14:52the excuses, the smaller you appear,
14:53and the more you talk, the lower your
14:55status becomes. Say just one sentence
14:57and then stop. "It's difficult this
14:59time." And then, silence. If you add
15:01excuses, that excuse gives the other
15:03person room to persuade you. The longer
15:05the reason, the more the other person
15:06will dig for an opening to push you
15:08harder. However, if you close your
15:10mouth after one sentence, the other
15:11person is placed in a position where
15:13they must break the silence. Because
15:15humans are uncomfortable with silence,
15:17the one who breaks it first is the one
15:19who is more desperate. A three-second
15:21silence is the most powerful
15:22declaration that you have no intention
15:24of going back on your word. To give you
15:26one more practical tip, when you
15:28receive a request, don't answer right
15:29away; wait for ten seconds. Someone who
15:32answers immediately looks like they are
15:34always on standby, but someone who
15:36takes a moment to think looks like
15:37someone who values their own time. A
15:39person who actually practiced this
15:41method shared this experience. "I
15:43didn't know 10 seconds could be this
15:45long.""But during those 10 seconds, the
15:46other person actually said, 'It's okay
15:48if you're busy,' first." With just a
15:50short interval, the way the other
15:52person perceives you changes. Yes,
15:54fourth, express your emotions honestly.
15:56"That remark actually hurt my feelings.
15:58""I find that kind of joke a bit
15:59uncomfortable." This is not starting a
16:02fight. It's letting them know there is
16:04a boundary between you and me. Stop
16:07forcing a laugh at unpleasant jokes and
16:09, if necessary, be the one to hit the
16:11brakes on the mood. Once people see
16:13this boundary, they will naturally
16:14start to be more careful. Because it
16:16reveals the part that shouldn't be
16:18crossed. But you might ask, how do you
16:19actually practice this? You can't do it
16:21if you try to change everything at once
16:23. Approach it by breaking it down into
16:25four steps. Step 1. Identify the speech
16:28habits you use often. Throughout today,
16:30check whether the things you said were
16:32things you really wanted to say or just
16:34to match the mood. Step 2. Identify the
16:36emotion in the moment those words come
16:38out. This step is the most crucial. If
16:41you said "It's okay," pinpoint exactly
16:43what emotion you were feeling at that
16:45moment. Was it fear of rejection,
16:47anxiety about the mood, or shame about
16:49appearing sensitive? If you don't know
16:51the emotion, you'll revert back even if
16:53you change your words. Step 3. Try
16:55replacing them with alternative
16:56expressions. Instead of "It's okay."
16:58Try "I need a little time to think
17:00about it." Instead of "I'm sorry," try
17:01"Could you hold on a second?" Instead
17:03of "Why does this always happen to me?"
17:05Try "It's difficult for me to agree
17:07with what you just said." It's not
17:09about being cold or firm, but
17:11practicing how to convey your own
17:12emotions and position. Step 4.
17:14Accumulate experiences that show no bad
17:16consequences follow from changing your
17:17tone; it will feel strange and
17:19unsettling at first. But as you
17:21accumulate experiences where refusing
17:23doesn't break a relationship, speaking
17:25up about discomfort doesn't lead to
17:26exclusion, and expressing feelings
17:28leads to acceptance, it becomes your
17:30natural language. Being kind is not a
17:33fault. However, kindness without
17:35standards will eventually be what tires
17:37you out the most. I'm not telling you
17:38to abandon kindness. I'm saying you
17:40should add standards to your kindness.
17:42I will summarize the essence of today's
17:44story in one sentence. The difference
17:46between a tone that gets ignored and
17:47one that gets respected is not about
17:48the words themselves, but whether your
17:50own standards are present in what you
17:51say. Removing filler words, ending
17:54sentences firmly, asking back, and
17:56enduring silence are all different
17:58expressions of the same message. That
18:01you have standards for yourself and
18:02have no intention of going back on them
18:04. Tone is not personality; it is a
18:06habit. Habits can be changed. Since the
18:10brain adapts to repeated stimuli, when
18:12the way you react changes, the way
18:14others treat you will change as well.
18:16Someone who used to make requests as if
18:18it were natural starts adding "If it's
18:20okay with you," and someone who used to
18:21speak recklessly pauses before they
18:23speak, and your words that used to get
18:24buried in meetings start being heard
18:26until the end. And above all, every
18:28night, you stop asking yourself why you
18:29couldn't say those things. The time you
18:31spend regretting decreases. Which of
18:33the tones we covered today resonated
18:35with you the most? Please leave it in
18:37the comments. That is all I have
18:40prepared for today.

About this transcript

This page contains the full transcript of 무시당하는 사람이 반복하는 5가지 말투, 오늘부터 멈추세요 (심리학적 분석) by 토닥교수의 심리학, generated from the public captions YouTube serves with the video. The transcript has 3,560 words across 552 segments, with the original timestamps preserved so you can click any line to jump to that moment in the embedded player.

What you can do with it

Use the transcript to take notes, quote the speaker, build a study guide, generate a summary with ChatGPT or Claude via the YouTube Summary tool, or export it as a timed subtitle file with YouTube to SRT. You can also re-open it in the transcriber to translate the transcript into 100+ languages.

Free YouTube transcript tool

YouTube2Text is a free YouTube transcript generator — no signup, no daily limit. Paste any YouTube link and get the full transcript instantly, with timestamps, click-to-jump, translation to 100+ languages, AI prompts for ChatGPT, Claude, and Gemini, and exports to TXT, SRT, VTT, or Markdown.