4 things all great listeners know — Transcript

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1. 0:07It's easy to tell when someone's not paying attention,
2. 0:10but it can be surprisingly tricky to know what truly excellent listening looks like.
3. 0:15Behavioral scientists have found that good listening
4. 0:19is one of the most important things we can do to improve our relationships,
5. 0:23develop our worldview, and potentially even change people's minds.
6. 0:28So, what can we do to become better listeners?
7. 0:34At its core, listening in a one-on-one conversation is about taking an interest
8. 0:39in another person and making them feel understood.
9. 0:43There’s no universally agreed upon definition of high-quality listening,
10. 0:47but some recurring features include attentiveness, conveying understanding,
11. 0:52and showing a positive intention towards the speaker.
12. 0:55This doesn’t mean you can simply go through the motions—
13. 0:58researchers have found that merely smiling and nodding
14. 1:00at set intervals doesn’t quite work.
15. 1:03However, there is something slightly performative about listening
16. 1:07in that it’s important to show you’re doing it.
17. 1:10So, in addition to actively attending to a speaker’s words,
18. 1:14good listeners also use questions and body language
19. 1:17that indicate their understanding and their desire to understand.
20. 1:23This might feel awkward at first,
21. 1:25and what’s most effective might depend on your relationship with the speaker.
22. 1:29But with time and practice you can internalize these basic behaviors.
23. 1:35So let’s say a good friend wants to tell you about an issue
24. 1:38they’re having with their partner.
25. 1:40Before even starting your conversation,
26. 1:43remove any distractions in the environment.
27. 1:46Turn off the TV, take off your headphones and put your phone away— far away.
28. 1:52One study showed that even the visible presence of a phone
29. 1:56made conversations feel less intimate and fulfilling to those involved.
30. 2:01Once the conversation begins,
31. 2:03one of the most important things you can do is also the most obvious—
32. 2:09try not to interrupt.
33. 2:11This doesn’t mean you need to stay completely silent.
34. 2:13But if you do interject, look for natural pauses
35. 2:17to ask open-ended questions that benefit the speaker,
36. 2:20not just your curiosity.
37. 2:22Questions like “What happened next?” or “How did that make you feel?”
38. 2:26confirm that you’re following the story while also helping the speaker
39. 2:30dive deeper into their own thoughts.
40. 2:33Another great way to show your understanding is by summarizing
41. 2:36what you just heard and asking if you’ve missed anything.
42. 2:41Summaries like this show the speaker that you're truly trying to understand them
43. 2:45rather than just waiting for your turn to talk.
44. 2:48Speaking of which, while a good conversation requires back and forth,
45. 2:53planning out your response while the speaker is talking
46. 2:56is a common way to miss what’s being said.
47. 2:59So try to stay present and if you lose focus,
48. 3:02don't be shy about asking the speaker to repeat what you missed.
49. 3:06This might feel embarrassing,
50. 3:07but asking for clarification actually shows that you’re committed
51. 3:11to understanding.
52. 3:13Finally, don’t be afraid of silence.
53. 3:16It’s okay to ask for a moment to formulate your response
54. 3:20and taking a beat to think can help speakers reflect on their speech as well.
55. 3:26These might seem like small changes, but together they make a big difference.
56. 3:31And when people feel heard, they report more satisfaction,
57. 3:35trust, and connection in their relationships.
58. 3:38In the workplace, employees who feel heard generally experience less burnout,
59. 3:43and perceive the managers who listened to them more favorably.
60. 3:47Unfortunately, while it might be easy to listen to some people,
61. 3:51it can be hard to muster all this focus and attention
62. 3:54if you disagree with or dislike the speaker.
63. 3:58But these situations might actually benefit most from your efforts
64. 4:02to listen openly.
65. 4:04The theory of psychological reactance suggests that trying to force someone
66. 4:08to change their mind makes them more likely to defend their point of view.
67. 4:13However, recent studies suggest that high-quality listening fosters
68. 4:18open-mindedness by creating a non-judgmental
69. 4:22and psychologically safe environment.
70. 4:26Of course, truly open-minded listening isn’t about changing people’s minds.
71. 4:31Good listening is not the same as agreeing,
72. 4:34and conversations don’t have to end with a happy resolution.
73. 4:38But even during a disagreement,
74. 4:40sometimes being heard is enough to start a deeper conversation.