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30 Years of Marriage: 3 Things About Relationships I Wish Someone Told Me Sooner — Transcript

by Mel Robbins · 9,832 words · 1,491 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00Today on the Mel Robbins podcast, my
0:03husband Chris and I [music] are
0:04reflecting on 30 years of marriage and
0:08sharing the three things about
0:09relationships we sure wish somebody had
0:12told us sooner. I get angry and vent and
0:14get [music] flooded and then I'm a jerk.
0:17>> Welcome to our marriage.
0:19>> I've been with you the majority of my
0:20life
0:22>> and I love you more than ever.
0:24>> Okay, we're not going to get through
0:25this. Okay, I love you, too. [laughter]
0:26Okay, so here. Should we start this?
0:30Hey, it's your friend Mel and my husband
0:33Christopher Robbins. Welcome to the Mel
0:36Robbins podcast. I am absolutely
0:39thrilled that you're here for a once-
0:42ina-lifetime conversation because today
0:45my husband and I are talking and
0:47reflecting on our 30th wedding
0:49anniversary. And this is only going to
0:51happen once. Not because we're breaking
0:53up, but because like you only have your
0:5530th wedding anniversary once. And it's
0:57such an honor to be together with you,
0:59to spend this time with you. If you're
1:01new here, or if maybe somebody you're in
1:04a relationship with sent you this
1:06episode, or they've trapped you in a car
1:08with them right now and you're listening
1:10and this is their form of therapy or a
1:12date, welcome. I've done that to my
1:14husband, too. Welcome to the Mel Robbins
1:16Podcast family. You are going to love
1:18this conversation because today my
1:21husband Chris and I are celebrating our
1:2430th wedding anniversary with you and
1:27we're going to share three lessons that
1:30we have learned over the last three
1:33decades. These are lessons that I wish
1:37somebody had just boom summed up for us
1:40when we got married 30 years ago. We
1:43learned this stuff the hard way. It
1:45explains so much about the years of our
1:48life, Chris, where we were really
1:50struggling. It also explains the roadmap
1:53for how you find your way back to the
1:57person that you fell in love with.
1:59[snorts] And so, I'm super excited about
2:01this. Welcome to the podcast, Chris.
2:03>> Thanks. Thanks for having me. I'm happy
2:05to be here and and I'm looking forward
2:07to these little lessons because they do
2:09help crystallize all that we did go
2:12through.
2:13>> Yeah. Yeah. Boy, we went through a lot.
2:16>> Yes, we have.
2:17>> It's impossible to be in a long-term
2:19relationship and not experience so many
2:23ups and downs. And what does 30 years
2:26feel like for you? Like when you really
2:28think about 30 years going by? And if
2:31you're brand new to the show, you know,
2:33I should just say that we also have
2:34three kids. They're uh 27, 26, and 21
2:39years old. And um we have been through
2:43so many ups and downs and been in and
2:46out of financial crisis and we've both
2:49been fired from jobs and struggled and
2:51had moments where we feel lost. We've
2:53have kids that have struggled. We've
2:54navigated your father dying. Like just
2:5830 years of your life, you navigate a
3:00lot. When you think about the fact that
3:03we've been married for 30 years,
3:09what do you what comes to mind for you,
3:10Chris? Honestly, the visual of like a
3:13flip book where you flip it through and
3:15it's like
3:17and all of those scenes that in the
3:22moment feel so acute, so profound.
3:25Either whether you're elated or were
3:29feeling on top or feeling at the bottom,
3:31they all
3:34they all are meaningful and
3:38the speed at which they have passed is
3:40quite remarkable. Honestly, to think
3:42that it's been 30 years is a bit
3:45jaw-dropping. You know, when you first
3:47fall in love, you
3:50have this assumption because of all the
3:54fabulous love chemicals, that's a
3:56technical term I just made up, that are
3:58flooding through your body and the
4:00attraction that you kind of gaslight
4:02yourself into thinking, oh, it's always
4:03going to be like this. And if there's
4:05one thing that we've learned the hard
4:08way and everybody learns in life is that
4:11things are always changing and that the
4:16true test of your relationship is not
4:18how you are together when things are
4:20good. I mean you could be with a not
4:22great person in a not great relationship
4:24but if things are going really well you
4:27don't really have to lean on the
4:28relationship. The true test is what
4:31happens when things fall apart. When you
4:34lose the job, when a parent dies, when a
4:37child is sick, when the pressure hits,
4:41when the bank account is bouncing,
4:44when life makes you hard, and life does
4:49that. I I'm already crying. I don't know
4:52cuz I'm just thinking about like how
4:53many freaking hard periods of our life
4:57we've had. And um
5:01one of the things that was that I really
5:02struggled with in our relationship is
5:04how often when life hardened me, I
5:08brought that edge into our relationship.
5:12And if you're going to go the distance
5:14with somebody, it's really because you
5:17have picked somebody that you can do the
5:19difficult things with, that you can
5:22struggle with, that you can lean on. And
5:25when I look back, one of the biggest
5:27lessons that I've learned, and I'm going
5:31to explain it first in my words, and
5:33then I'm going to share the way one of
5:35the incredible relationship experts
5:37summed it up, is when life got hard, I
5:42became very hard on you.
5:44When
5:46life really
5:48started to beat me up, I started to take
5:53it out on you.
5:56And I think that's an extremely common
5:59mistake that people make. And if you
6:03stop and reflect and think about your
6:04own relationship, how often you've
6:06blamed stress of the day. In fact, I
6:07just did this last night on
6:10how emotional or how volatile or how
6:14just mean you might be to the person
6:17that you love. And the first lesson that
6:22I really learned that is both the reason
6:25why relationships end and it's also the
6:30simple
6:32lesson that brings you back to the
6:35person you fell in love with. And it's
6:38this.
6:40You're my favorite person.
6:43That is the best relationship advice I
6:46have ever heard. Four words. you're my
6:48favorite person.
6:51And so the first takeaway for me is if
6:53you're in a relationship, can you say
6:55that about the person that you're with?
6:58Because if you fundamentally
7:00have never felt like this is your
7:02favorite person, then you're in the
7:03wrong relationship.
7:05And if you're going through a very rough
7:08time, what I love about these four
7:09words, you're my favorite person, is
7:12this is the like lifeline. It's like a
7:17tow rope that you can grab on to to pull
7:20you back to what is still true. Because
7:24even when life is hard, that person that
7:28you fell in love with is still in there.
7:31And I also love this question because
7:34you not only ask yourself, you're my
7:36favorite person. Am is Chris my favorite
7:38person? Of course, I just hate my life
7:39right now, but he's still my favorite
7:42person. And then you ask yourself the
7:43second layer, which is, am I treating
7:45him like my favorite person?
7:49>> No.
7:49>> That's kind of where the rubber meets
7:51the road, I think, for me. Cuz when I
7:53think about when we first met,
7:55Absolutely. You were my favorite. All
7:57the way up until,
8:00in fact, after we
8:03got married, which was a couple years
8:05later. But in the in that time frame,
8:09you are my favorite every moment of
8:11every day because
8:15in to some extent we really hadn't hit
8:18anything hard. We had no concept
8:23of how we might harden or how we might
8:27behave in those tough times. which I
8:30think is what makes relationships
8:32challenging cuz in the early days it is
8:34a honeymoon period as they call it and
8:38everybody's everybody's favorite until
8:40the [ __ ] hits the fan.
8:43>> I know the moment that that you know
8:44what hit fan and I you started going
8:47from my favorite person to
8:50not my favorite person to somebody that
8:54I was mad at. And it was when we were in
8:57our 20s and we had met in New York City
9:00and we were early in our careers and you
9:03decided to make a career change and then
9:06you didn't like that and then you
9:08decided to launch a business and it
9:10didn't do well and then you decided to
9:14scramble and get a job and there was a
9:15point where we were so struggling with
9:18paying our bills. I was a public
9:20defender working for legal aid. you had
9:22not uh had a job for a while that do you
9:25remember this? We were talking about
9:27moving in with your parents
9:31as a new married couple and we were
9:33going to have to move into like the
9:35basement walkout part of their like
9:39retirement house.
9:41>> I don't actually remember that. But it's
9:43funny that you bring this up because
9:45when you asked me to think about a
9:47moment in time,
9:48>> that's about the same time frame that I
9:52thought about myself both
9:55in in in the context of me also hating
10:00beginning to hate on myself.
10:04Um, but also recognizing that that's
10:08when I stopped listening to you.
10:13Because because No, no, no. It had
10:15nothing to do with you. I was so focused
10:18on me and what I thought I should be
10:23achieving or producing that
10:27you you you barely even existed. And so
10:31I really wasn't listening to you or your
10:35needs or your interests. And so anyway,
10:37when I was thinking about that incident,
10:40that was really where things started to
10:43unwind a little bit when I said, "Hey,
10:46you know what? I want to go get my MBA
10:48and I want to do it in Boston and I want
10:50to, you know, move out of New York
10:52City." And you said, "Are you kidding
10:54me? Like, I love my job. This is great.
10:56Why are we leaving?" And you were
10:59miserable when we moved up there. And
11:02honestly, in the moment, it it I was so
11:05blind to what I thought I should have
11:07been doing for you that I was oblivious
11:10to the fact that you were even unhappy
11:13with the idea.
11:14>> Wow. You've never even brought this up
11:16in therapy before.
11:17>> No, but you me to think about this. And
11:20>> you know what's crazy about this, Chris,
11:21is that I always called you stoic. I
11:24called you a thinker. I called you uh a
11:28slow processor when I was really annoyed
11:30with you. I uh just sort of put your
11:37sequestering
11:39into a box that was about you and I had
11:44no idea that you tuned me out. And what
11:47happens when that starts to happen is
11:51for somebody like me, I just get louder
11:53cuz then I feel alone and unsafe. And
11:55for somebody like you, you just
11:57sequester more into your head. Like I
11:59think that there was like what a full
12:01decade where we were like this.
12:04>> Yeah.
12:04>> You think it was longer?
12:05>> No, that sounds about right. Anyway, 10
12:07years. But that's enough to cause enough
12:09damage. I mean, and it did.
12:12>> And you know, the thing that's important
12:14about this is
12:16this is, I think, a period of our
12:18marriage that you would describe as we
12:21were just roommates.
12:23We would say that we do logistics really
12:25well. So, we can get the kids where they
12:28need to go. We can get the dogs fed. We
12:30can get the groceries on the table. We
12:31can get we can show up at the the, you
12:33know, the holiday celebration. We can
12:36check the boxes. We can
12:37>> I don't think the roommate phase set in
12:39that early because we were beginning to
12:41have kids. And so, we were learning a
12:43new
12:45a new challenge of being parents to
12:48newborns. And so the roommate thing
12:51didn't quite settle in until I think
12:54once all three or at least two had
12:56arrived and then it was and then the
12:59sequestering began for sure. Well, I
13:02think we're I I'm kind of using a word
13:05maybe that doesn't resonate. It felt
13:07like logistics and life took over and
13:10our connection
13:12and this these four words, you're my
13:14favorite person,
13:17stopped being the central organizing
13:19principle of our marriage. And I truly
13:25believe that these four words as a
13:28lesson and a philosophy that you can
13:30anchor yourself to immediately reveals
13:33whether or not the connection is frayed.
13:36Because if you don't feel that way about
13:39your partner and you once did, that's a
13:42sign that life has hardened you and
13:45you're in this phase where you've pulled
13:48apart and being able to then go, how do
13:52I start treating this person like my
13:54favorite person again, even if things
13:59have gone down, even if there are still
14:02a lot of struggles, even if we are
14:04fighting about money, which we did for
14:06decades, absolute decades. But I want to
14:09uh play
14:11this moment from the Mel Robbins podcast
14:14when a world-renowned divorce attorney,
14:17James Ston,
14:19said those four words on the show. Like,
14:24at its core,
14:26marriage should boil down to to four
14:28words that I think
14:31I think are potentially the most
14:32beautiful words you could say to
14:34someone. and mean or have someone say to
14:37you and know they're true and that is
14:40you're my favorite person.
14:43>> Like what could be more beautiful than
14:45being told and knowing like that when
14:47this person says it, they mean it.
14:50You're my favorite person. And to say to
14:53someone back, "Yeah, you're my favorite
14:55person." Like what would be better in
14:58the world than having that, you know?
15:00And and so I like to think about kind of
15:03the end of things and then reverse
15:05engineer. And to me like at the end of
15:08your life, if you could look at another
15:12person and say, "You helped me become
15:15the most authentic version of myself and
15:19you're still my favorite person."
15:22That's the greatest wedding toast you
15:23could ever have. Like that's the
15:25greatest blessing you could have in your
15:26life and I think it'd be the greatest
15:28asset you could have in your life. Do
15:29you want to react to that?
15:32>> I think he just said that's the greatest
15:34wedding toast you could have. And that's
15:38my point is that
15:40when I boil down what
15:46has you be my favorite person.
15:54It was.
15:58And it does make me cry
16:05because I can say that
16:15in those first few days when we met,
16:20you
16:23brought out
16:26the authenticity in me.
16:30[snorts]
16:31I felt
16:35almost like somebody had
16:39unlocked the real me
16:43and that like the fake me was
16:48had gone away.
16:50And that that freedom I felt
16:56was definitely one of those things that
16:59made me
17:02feel like you were my favorite.
17:07What's interesting about that though is
17:09your point about hardening and then you
17:12get into
17:14let's now call it 30 years where we're
17:18going through the ups and the downs and
17:20the twists and the turns.
17:23And
17:24that's where the hard work is, I think,
17:26is being able to wake up and say, "This
17:30is originally why this person was my
17:33favorite." [laughter]
17:35and
17:37trying to presence that in the face of
17:41the tough stuff that's going on.
17:43>> Well, I think that's why the tough
17:44periods are so painful
17:47because when you fall in love and you
17:50fall in love with somebody who is truly
17:52your favorite person,
17:55they are your favorite person because of
17:57how being with them makes you feel about
17:59you.
18:01And that's why it's so painful
18:04when your favorite person turns on you
18:08and you start to feel
18:11>> as if
18:14either they are no longer your favorite
18:16person because of things they've done
18:19or because the world is just pressure
18:21testing you and you're now bringing it
18:24to the relationship and taking it out on
18:26them. or something has happened with you
18:31and you're no longer treating this
18:33person that you once treated as your
18:35favorite person,
18:37you don't treat him that way anymore.
18:39And one of the reasons why I was so
18:41struck by this advice that James Ston
18:44shared on the Mel Robbins podcast, cuz
18:46it kind of strikes you as odd. Why on
18:47earth would you get relationship advice
18:49from a worldrenowned divorce attorney?
18:51And he basically said, "Because who do
18:53you take a car to to fix it? A
18:54mechanic." Because a mechanic has seen
18:57everything break in a car. So it can a
19:00mechanic can spot the signs that things
19:04are headed towards a serious thing. They
19:06can head this can be fixed. This can't
19:09be fixed. This is a total wreckage. And
19:12one of the things that James also shared
19:15that I would love to share with you is
19:19the shest indicator of a divorce because
19:24it does tie to this first lesson. You're
19:27my favorite person. So let's hear James
19:29Ston reflecting on that.
19:32>> Like I often tell people to me the shest
19:34indicator of a divorce is not anything
19:37anyone says. It's a sound. And it's this
19:40sound. It's
19:43just that like like when the other
19:46person's talking and there's just this
19:48like like what? Yeah. What? What? Yeah.
19:51Okay. Like why are you bothering me with
19:53what you're saying?
19:55>> Or that like kind of eye rolling like
19:57it's just those subtle dis courtesies
20:00and disrespects. It's the tone. It's the
20:03body language. Like that's a huge piece
20:06is. So, I would when you're looking at
20:08signs, look at how you physically relate
20:10to each other. I mean, you've seen
20:12couples, I'm sure, where it's like, why
20:14are they even when they touch each
20:16other,
20:17>> it's like, you know, when you're first
20:18together, like you touch your skin and
20:21it's like an electric bolt through you
20:23of like, oh my god, this person touched
20:24me. There's like, oh my god, our legs
20:26touched. Like, it's just that. I mean,
20:27and thank God that passes or we just
20:30never get anything done, you know? But
20:32it's supposed to sort of pass and become
20:35like still something comfortable and
20:37connected
20:38>> because all that person maybe you don't
20:39like holding hands. That's okay. But
20:41maybe they're trying to connect with
20:42you.
20:43>> Yeah.
20:43>> So do you want to connect with them?
20:45>> Like and if it's that I don't like
20:47sweaty hands. Okay. So put your arm
20:48around me like you know lean in and do
20:50something like like meet each other
20:52halfway. There's a lot of these little
20:54tiny physical and verbal disconnections.
20:58>> I can immediately think of like five
20:59couples right now. Can't you Chris? like
21:01the eye roll, the you're bothering me.
21:04And I was that way with you
21:09for probably a decade. Not all the time,
21:13but I threw that at you, that
21:19discourtesy, that kind of
21:24I'm sorry.
21:27>> Thanks for saying that.
21:29I felt it.
21:31>> [laughter]
21:36>> I mean
21:42I I mean I think I could say the same
21:45that I had those things certainly on you
21:49as well.
21:52But I think the difference between us is
21:53that you know I internalize things way
21:57more than you ever did. like you would
22:00lash out. You your your reaction to
22:03these things would be external
22:05whereas my reaction would be quite
22:07internal.
22:09That's not to say that I wasn't or, you
22:11know, or whatever those noises were that
22:15were going on under my breath,
22:18but half the time they were aimed at
22:20myself more than they were at you, which
22:23I think is the thing that
22:26compounded your either anger, distrust,
22:30or whatever it was towards me.
22:32>> Yeah. Because when you went silent and
22:34I'm lashing out because I'm like sad or
22:37upset or scared or whatever and anger is
22:40the fastest like h valve and then you go
22:44quiet. I feel even more disconnected.
22:46>> Correct. Really what you needed was a
22:48hug and I'm running in the opposite
22:49direction
22:50>> which I don't blame you for.
22:52>> Yeah. But still, you know, when you talk
22:54about meeting people where they are,
22:57that wasn't always going down.
23:00I want to give you as you're listening
23:03or watching a very real application of
23:07how you start to apply this first
23:09lesson. You're my favorite person. This
23:12is both a test of are you with the right
23:14person? Because if you've never felt
23:16that way about the person, you're not
23:16with the right person. It's also a way
23:20for you to just take the temperature of
23:23your relationship. What what's what's
23:27>> carry on? I'm just [laughter]
23:29>> Oh, I thought you were about to cry.
23:30>> I was about to, but that's because I'm
23:32thinking about all the moments in our
23:35life. They're they're racing by in my
23:37head right now.
23:38>> There were a lot of them. And there were
23:40so many like even during the crappy
23:42decade, like there were so many
23:43incredible joyful like it's like violent
23:46ups and downs
23:48that we experienced. And the thing that
23:52that you can do to start to apply this
23:55and we are going to get into the deeper
23:57issues. What if the person has done
23:59something and you're you resent them for
24:02it? What if somebody really hurt you and
24:05you can't let go of the grudge? We're
24:07going to talk about that in a minute,
24:08but I want to give you something that
24:10Chris does that I want you to steal. It
24:13is free and I will tell you right now
24:17that you can use a post-it note to make
24:22your relationship better starting today.
24:26Because writing notes and hiding notes
24:29to the person you're in a relationship
24:31with is the single coolest and fastest
24:36way to start to recreate a connection.
24:40And Chris, I swear to God, Chris has
24:43been hiding notes in my wallet. Look at
24:46how old this one is. It says, "Me
24:49again." Just thinking about how much I
24:51love you. Look how old this thing is.
24:54And he doesn't tell me. He just pops it
24:57in something. You have hidden this one.
25:01He hid this Post-it note. Mel, I love
25:03you. Thank you for loving me. He hid
25:05that Post-it note in my freaking
25:08pillcase. I was on a trip and I opened
25:10this sucker up, you know, to take all
25:12the things that all the experts tell us
25:14we need to take in order to live to be
25:16hundred and like be energized and
25:18healthy and all that stuff. And there it
25:20is. And when you see a note like that,
25:24um, oh my gosh, here's another one. Did
25:26I mention how much I love you? Look at
25:28how old these things are. Here's another
25:30one. Hi there. Look, it's my bursting
25:33heart. Oh my god, you're kind of
25:35[laughter]
25:37Or here's another one. Like they're
25:39literally all over the place. He's been
25:41doing this for years. I'll pop open my
25:44glasses because I'm basically like need
25:47them.
25:48Did you know how much I love you?
25:52When I get one of these notes,
25:56I feel like your favorite person and you
25:59immediately become mine and it reminds
26:04me of our connection.
26:07Does it solve the massive problems that
26:09we may be facing? No. Does it remove the
26:12financial debt that is crushing us? No.
26:14Does it erase the uh issues that our
26:18kids may be struggling with that are
26:20causing us to argue over what to do
26:22about? No. But in that moment, that
26:25singular note
26:28is your way to use you're my favorite
26:32person
26:34in a busy life. And it's free. You could
26:38leave it like I leave it on your desk
26:39when you go and lead your soul degree
26:41retreats. Like that's that's how you
26:45have really started. That's how you have
26:48infiltrated and created a connection
26:51with me that no matter where I am, when
26:54I find one of these things, I'm like,
26:55"Oh my god, he's he thought about me. He
26:57loves me. He stuck that in there knowing
26:59I would find. Oh my god, he's my
27:00favorite person."
27:03I didn't realize that the notes you
27:05sometimes leave on my own desk were
27:06inspired by my notes. That's cool.
27:09>> Of course it work.
27:09>> Those feel so good. When I come back,
27:12>> you just tucked one in to the credit
27:15card thing that I don't think I've ever
27:16found. [laughter]
27:18Holy cow. I wonder how long this has
27:20been in here. This is from an Omni hotel
27:22and resort somewhere that you were, I
27:24guess. I don't know. I love you. That
27:27was right in the little credit card
27:28slot. I've never even seen that one.
27:29That's an old one.
27:32I can't remember the last time we were
27:34at an Omni. So, yeah, it is an old one.
27:37>> Wow.
27:38>> You do that with flowers.
27:39>> What do you mean
27:40>> for me? [snorts]
27:41>> Do you even like flowers?
27:44>> Well,
27:45>> explain what I do so I know. do like
27:47flowers, but I mostly love them because
27:52I
27:54get to live vicariously through the love
27:56you have for flowers.
27:58And
28:01it's a little
28:02>> So, explain what I do so that everybody
28:04can steal this.
28:07Well, you just have such a love of
28:11flowers and
28:14you come into my office when I'm not
28:16there and you put one little flower,
28:21whichever your favorite of the day is,
28:24and slide it into a tiny little vase or
28:28however you like to present it, and you
28:30leave it right on my desk. And then I
28:33come back and there's
28:36you. It's not even the flower. I just
28:39see you.
28:41And
28:44it's funny because
28:48that's another thing that makes you my
28:51favorite person. Not just the flower,
28:53but when we first met
29:00also makes me cry. First date,
29:05walking down the sidewalk,
29:08>> New York City.
29:09>> We're in midcon conversation after
29:12dinner,
29:13can't even remember what we were talking
29:15about, and you took off running. And I
29:17thought, "What the hell is this woman
29:19doing?" When I caught up to you, you've
29:22got a leaf in the palm of your hand
29:25shaped like a heart.
29:26>> It was a yucka tree, I think.
29:28>> Ginko tree.
29:29>> Oh, ginko tree. See, I don't even know
29:30what's happening.
29:31>> And you were jumping for joy as if the
29:36good humor truck just showed up. Like,
29:38you were so excited about this
29:41heart-shaped leaf and this tree and how
29:43it was your favorite.
29:46I mean, talk about authenticity and sort
29:50of that devi that I felt from you. So,
29:54when you put a little tiny flower on my
29:56desk, that brings me right back to your
30:00own love affair with flowers, but makes
30:03me feel like I'm your favorite.
30:06>> Amazing. This message is brought to you
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30:43So that's the first lesson. You're my
30:45favorite person. And those are two
30:47simple ways that you can start to apply
30:50it. And that brings me to the second
30:53lesson. Um, and the second lesson is
30:56really relevant because a lot of what
30:58we've learned over the years, or I
31:00should just say I've learned over the
31:01years, is how important softening is.
31:05So, you hear the relationship experts
31:07that are worldrenowned talk about
31:09kindness
31:10and curiosity
31:12and having an open heart. And often
31:15times when you're in the thick of life,
31:16it's like, well, how the hell do you do
31:17that when this person's freaking pissing
31:19me off right now? And for me,
31:22one of the reasons why I think our
31:24marriage is stronger than ever, I love
31:26you more deeply than ever, is that I
31:27have learned the importance of softening
31:31and remembering
31:33the person I married. And this comes to
31:36the second lesson. If you want your
31:38relationship to go the distance and be
31:41meaningful and deeply connected,
31:45always remember you did not marry the
31:47adult who is standing in front of you.
31:51You married the 8-year-old version of
31:53that person. And there are pieces of you
31:59as a little kid that never got the
32:04real I don't even know what the
32:06technical term is that there are parts
32:08of you like the reason you run into the
32:10corner is because that's what you did as
32:11a kid. The reason why you go into your
32:13head is because that's what you did as a
32:15kid. The reason why you don't ask for
32:17what you need, Chris, is because you
32:19grew up like a lot of people did in a
32:21family as the youngest with a lot going
32:23on where it didn't matter what your
32:25needs were because people didn't care or
32:27they cared but they didn't listen and so
32:29you just stopped talking. And it's easy
32:33for me to get mad at you when I look at
32:35the 57year-old version of you and be
32:38like, "The man's a grown ass adult. Why
32:39is he acting like this? Why doesn't he
32:41just tell me what he need?
32:44and not stop and go, "Okay, hold on.
32:47This is my favorite person."
32:50And
32:52I'm not dealing with a 57. I'm dealing
32:54with the part of him that's eight, just
32:57like you're dealing with the part of me
33:00that is a little girl. And this is
33:04really important because one of the
33:05things that I've learned from the
33:06experts and what I've learned from our
33:08own like therapy, you and I have have
33:11been working with a therapist for 5
33:12years that what's very important about
33:15this is it softens you because I think
33:18it's easy to be like that person's a
33:20dick. that person's a [ __ ] Like they
33:22like I and you start to get super judgy
33:27and because the world can make you hard,
33:32you don't want the way the world hardens
33:34you to be the part of you that you bring
33:36into the relationships. And I find that
33:38the moment that I think about the fact
33:40that
33:42I know who you are at your core,
33:46if you've been with somebody for a year,
33:48you knew who they are at their core.
33:52And when you can remember that most
33:54people aren't intentionally
33:57trying to hurt you or intentionally
34:01trying to
34:03make you resent them or intentionally
34:06trying to piss you off, they're just
34:08doing the best that they can in a very
34:10difficult
34:12world that we live in.
34:14And
34:16I've really been able to soften
34:20by thinking about the fact that
34:23there are times that you get scared.
34:25There are times that you're overwhelmed.
34:28There are times that you don't know what
34:29to ask for. And it's helped me really
34:34stop being so freaking judgy and angry
34:36and resentful
34:38when you're not doing exactly what I
34:40want you to do
34:42or behaving how I want you to behave and
34:45just
34:46slow the roll a little bit
34:50because you and I have struggled with
34:52something that the worldrenowned couples
34:55therapist Terry Real talks about. He
34:58came on the Mel Robbins podcast. I know
35:00you know Terry very well and he talked
35:03about something that was like whoa. He
35:07has this term, let's see if this rings a
35:09bell, Chris. Normal marital hatred.
35:17Let's hear uh Terry Real on the Mel
35:20Robbins podcast talking about normal
35:24marital hatred.
35:27Normal marital hatred.
35:30>> Normal marital hatred.
35:32>> Normal [laughter] marital hatred.
35:35>> My god.
35:37>> And I got to tell you, I've been around
35:39the world talking about normal marital
35:41hatred for 40. Not once has anyone come
35:45backstage and said, "What? What do you
35:46mean by that?" [laughter]
35:48I'd like to say, "We all marry our
35:51unfinished business."
35:52>> Whoa, hold on. We all marry our
35:57unfinished business.
35:59>> You got it. You know what? Young Mal
36:03could have had a guy that would have
36:06done everything she wanted him to do. I
36:10guarantee you there are guys you dated
36:12who you would not have gone through this
36:14crisis with. They did not blip on your
36:16screen.
36:17>> I call this the mysticism of marriage.
36:20>> The mysticism of marriage.
36:21>> Yes. If we have the opportunity to heal
36:24our deepest wounds,
36:27not
36:28falling in love means, "Oh yeah, this
36:30person's going to give it to me. I'm
36:32going to be healed. They're going to
36:33give me everything I didn't get. Good
36:35luck." A real relationship comes, I like
36:38to say, when you realize your partner
36:41is, here's my quote, exquisitely
36:43designed to stick the burning spear
36:46right into your eyeball. That's the
36:48crisis.
36:50That's not a bad relationship. That's a
36:52real relationship. The question is now
36:55what?
36:56>> Are you just going to repeat the same
36:57old same old? That's hell.
37:01Or are you going to wake up and do
37:03something different? The crisis can wake
37:06you up if you allow it. But you have to
37:09do it. And so there's a lot that goes
37:14into why we don't wake up, how to wake
37:17up, and if we do stay awake, what the
37:20hell do we do then?
37:22>> What does
37:24unfinished business mean? That what does
37:27cuz because it's true. The person that
37:28you're in a relationship with has an
37:30uncanny way to get under your skin, piss
37:33you off, frustrate the hell out of you.
37:37You love them, but you want to kill them
37:39at times, right?
37:39>> Yeah. definitely want to change them.
37:41>> Yeah.
37:42>> But what does unfinished business mean
37:45exactly for us?
37:47>> It means
37:51that you are now exactly in the
37:54childhood wound that that son of a gun
37:57that you picked was supposed to never
37:59put you in. You have been fundamentally
38:03betrayed. You are back. You're four.
38:06You're with your crazy family and your
38:11partner is just as chaotic, it turns
38:14out, as your dad was. Your partner is
38:17just as betraying as your mom was.
38:19Whatever the wound is, all of a sudden
38:22it's in your face. And that's not what
38:24you signed up for. And you hate that son
38:27of a gun.
38:28>> When you hear normal marital hatred,
38:30what comes to mind, Chris?
38:37driving down the road with you in the
38:40passenger seat,
38:43head down, doing whatever you're doing,
38:47silent,
38:50feeling like, or I should say I'm
38:52feeling like you are a million miles
38:54away even though you're 2 feet from me.
39:01And that's so on point what Terry is
39:03saying because
39:07you know as they I think they say you
39:08you either marry your mother or your
39:10father or something to that effect. And
39:14>> you know a lot of my struggle was the
39:18physical and emotional absence of my
39:20dad.
39:23That really I think was at the crux of
39:27our hardest times
39:30because we were both running scared
39:34trying to do what we were doing.
39:36>> Millions dollars in debt
39:37>> like roommates, financial pain, all of
39:40these things that had us be in our
39:42separate corners which only exacerbated
39:46the what I experienced which was a lot
39:49of physical and emotional absence from
39:51you.
39:53And
39:54so yeah, that's the uh whatever he said,
39:57the sharp poker in the eye or what
39:59[laughter] have you. That's how it felt.
40:02I want to just really unpack this
40:05because I think it's a very common thing
40:06that people feel.
40:10When things get hard, you turn on the
40:13person that was your favorite person
40:16and
40:18you immediately feel that shift in a
40:20relationship
40:21and you start to feel the distance.
40:24And then you both go into your corners.
40:26And what ends up happening,
40:30at least for me, is
40:33when you stop talking and you're silent
40:36and withdrawn, I feel alone.
40:40And it really makes me feel unsafe and
40:44then I get mad that you're not just
40:46fixing everything.
40:49And that's where it goes way deep. And
40:52it never occurred to me until you and I
40:56started working with a therapist and
40:59Terry put those words normal marital
41:01hatred
41:04out there. I'd never heard that before
41:07that I really understood what he was
41:10talking about and I started to realize
41:12wait a minute like there like I'm like
41:15when I get scared it's typically because
41:17you're also scared and my little
41:208-year-old version gets anxious and
41:23angry and feels alone and yours probably
41:25feels the same way but I start like
41:28going a million miles an hour and you
41:30just get quiet
41:33and that's the When you can identify it,
41:36not as something somebody's doing
41:37intentionally, not as something that
41:39somebody's out to get you. This is the
41:41compounding effect
41:44of all of these smaller moments that
41:47creates this massive distance and
41:49disconnection. That's where you can go
41:51to work. And what's really helped me is
41:53basically going, I married like the
41:56younger version of you. You have
41:58unfinished business with yourself. I
42:00have unfinished business with myself.
42:02And we have an opportunity when we come
42:04at it that way to work together to help
42:07each other finish that business and be
42:10more supportive of one another.
42:16What do you want to say?
42:19just feeling a whole lot of gratitude
42:21that we've had 30 years together to
42:27move through it versus
42:30throw in the towel.
42:33>> If the person listening, let's start
42:36with the person listening who is in a
42:38relationship with somebody who shuts
42:40down like you do.
42:43Let what would your advice be to that
42:46person about what you want them to know
42:50when a partner is shutting down and not
42:55communicating
42:58cuz I'm the opposite. I get angry and
43:00vent and get flooded and then I'm a jerk
43:03and then I apologize and then I get in
43:05that cycle and I then feel more and more
43:07alone and I know that it just shuts you
43:10down more. Do you even take a moment to
43:12notice how you're feeling? Is there
43:14>> No. Well, I didn't back then. If I did,
43:18if I had simply for many years paused in
43:22the driveway
43:24and taken a deep breath and said, "Okay,
43:26remember Mel, Chris is your favorite
43:29person.
43:31Life is hard right now, but you two are
43:33going to get through this together."
43:36and supporting each other right now and
43:38and trying to be kind to each other and
43:41and caring and and considerate and
43:45curious of one another is going to make
43:47it way more likely that you two can get
43:50through this together.
43:52Do not let the world and the stress and
43:55the overwhelm that is very real
43:57overwhelm your marriage and the and your
44:00relationship and the power of the two of
44:01you standing together.
44:04So, he's your favorite person. Chris is
44:07your favorite person.
44:09And he's probably just as scared as you
44:10are. He's probably just as stressed as
44:12you are. Take a deep breath
44:15and walk in that door and you can be
44:17tired and still be kind.
44:21>> I mean, that's beautiful and beautifully
44:23said and easier said than done for most
44:26of us.
44:27>> I said I wish I did it. I didn't say I
44:28did it.
44:30>> So, I I don't really have a succinct
44:31answer to
44:32>> What do you want somebody to know? Let's
44:33say somebody's listening right now and
44:35they've always thought, "Wow, I'm just
44:38married to somebody who doesn't talk.
44:40I'm just married to a thinker. I'm just
44:41married to somebody who like
44:44can't like doesn't really talk about how
44:46they feel." Like what I think is very
44:48important about what you're talking
44:50about is that somebody who's quiet on
44:53the surface is still feeling deep, deep,
44:57deep emotion.
45:00And how do you help your partner?
45:04Because I used to say to you, "What are
45:05you thinking? What's going on up there?
45:07What are you thinking about? What's on
45:08your mind, Chris?" And you would still
45:10deflect.
45:12Probably cuz you didn't want me to yell
45:14at you if you were about to open up
45:15about something.
45:19>> Yeah. But I mean maybe there was a
45:22period there where I didn't want to say
45:23anything but I think it's it gets back
45:27to
45:29my own yes there was deep thought in
45:32there and this is not a great answer
45:35because it's not easy to do in the
45:37moment but understanding why it is that
45:41let's say in the instance where I'm
45:43being quiet
45:45you know what is that like where does
45:47what's the origin of that for me and
45:51that's where I think there was a lot of
45:53work that I did to recognize
45:56what I was missing or what I wanted and
46:00you know a lot of the time
46:04I mean I think I think one of my light
46:07bulbs was you know in those in those
46:11years where it was tough
46:13and we were running around like chickens
46:17it was rare that we would come together
46:20and actually have a
46:24pow-wow.
46:25In fact, the only time we did it was
46:28when we needed to go over our calendars,
46:31which I used to kind of scoff at because
46:33I remember watching my parents do that
46:35when I was a kid and thinking that is so
46:37stupid.
46:39>> And then here we were on Sunday night
46:41trying to do that for ourselves.
46:44And as much I as much as I didn't like
46:47that that's what was pulling us
46:49together,
46:51that was like
46:54that was a great
46:58moment for me because
47:02we were
47:06there was an attempt to be close, to be
47:10aligned, to be in communication
47:13And
47:15I use that as example because
47:19it it's it's one of those things that
47:22was like, oh, this is what's missing for
47:24me is
47:26>> the that connection and not just
47:29communication, but as even just touch
47:32like I didn't grow up with a lot of
47:34touch and so it took me whatever 30 40
47:38years to realize just like you reaching
47:40out and holding my hand or putting your
47:42hand on my shoulder older or that that
47:48simple level or simple act of intimacy
47:54was like the greatest thing in the world
47:56for me. And
48:01it takes a little bit, at least it did
48:03for me, to recognize that
48:07this is what I need. This is what I
48:09want. And some of that may have come in
48:12the form of the struggles and the
48:14breakdowns and even the breakthroughs
48:16and some of the work that we've done
48:18together. But again, the reason why it
48:20doesn't sound like a great answer is
48:22because some of it is time and
48:23recognition of
48:26being able to stop and slow down a
48:28little bit to even recognize the emotion
48:31or the feeling. Which is why I asked
48:32you, do you think that because you are
48:34very ready, fire, aim kind of person.
48:37>> Yes. And I am definitely more like
48:39ready, aim, okay, aim again, then fire.
48:43>> Yes. I I think there's there's a lot
48:46that I want to
48:49really dig into there because it kind of
48:51brings us to the third lesson. You use
48:55the word um simple intimacy.
48:59And one of the things that we have
49:02learned the hard way is that when we are
49:04in a chapter in our relationship where
49:07we're really connected and we feel
49:11supportive of each other and life feels
49:15manageable and I feel like you are my
49:18favorite person and I'm also treating
49:19you that way. There's something that is
49:22very obvious and present and it is
49:26simple points of connection throughout a
49:29week. And you mentioned the calendar
49:33because this is something I never expect
49:36you to cry over, but I understand why
49:38you did because if you really think
49:39about why you fall in love with
49:41somebody, it's because not only does
49:43this person make you feel safe and make
49:45you feel like the version of you that
49:47you really you can be yourself, you
49:51don't have to compromise your values or
49:53who you are. They bring out the best in
49:56you. But there's also this incredible
49:58thing that in the beginning you have all
50:00these shared goals and dreams. You have
50:02a vision. You have a way you think your
50:04life is going to turn out. And there's a
50:07lot of time spent about what are we
50:09going to do and what are we doing this
50:10weekend? And then you see your friends
50:11and there's this scaffolding and these
50:14points of connection every week in the
50:17beginning of a relationship that remind
50:19you of why this relationship matters and
50:22why two can feel like one when you have
50:27these points of connection. And the
50:28thing about a calendar whether you're
50:29young parents or you've just moved in
50:32together is that life does trample you
50:35with logistics. And it's way worse today
50:39with texting and social and Slack and
50:42Monday and work and email and cell
50:44phones and all that stuff. Like the
50:46volume of input
50:49that can act like a title wave to wash
50:51you away from your partner is endless.
50:54And so a calendar meeting on a Sunday
50:57night, not the sexiest thing in the
50:58world, brings you together and gets you
51:01aligned against a shared vision. That's
51:04why that matters. And there are a couple
51:07things that are always present, Chris, I
51:09notice, in the periods of our life where
51:13things are really good. And this is not
51:15complicated stuff.
51:18Number one, we do the calendar meeting
51:20cuz one of my resentful accommodations
51:22is feeling like, you know, it's all up
51:24to me or, you know, I didn't ask for
51:25help or whatever. And that's a moment
51:27where you can start to ask, is there
51:29something that you need for support? Is
51:33there something you need this week? you
51:35know, you had a huge week last week and
51:37I remember saying, "Let me take all the
51:39dinners. Let me support you that way."
51:42Now, you would never have come up to me
51:43and said, "Hey, I have a big week. Could
51:46you do dinners?" But that calendar
51:48meeting allowed us to remind ourselves,
51:51we're in this together and what help do
51:54you need? And you always ask me, "What
51:55can I do to help you this week? What do
51:58you need?"
51:59The second thing that I notice is
52:01present is
52:03we take a walk a couple mornings, not
52:08seven days a week, but we actually two
52:10or three times a week we just get a
52:12short walk in.
52:14Another thing that I notice is we have a
52:17couple meals together and if we're lucky
52:19we cook together and we have this ritual
52:22where we ask the high the low of the
52:24day. Lots of people have a version of
52:26this, whether it's rose, thorn, bud, or
52:28whatever. It just kind of prompts you to
52:31share more about
52:34what you're looking forward to. And then
52:36the final thing, I think this is really
52:37important because we neglected this for
52:39a while.
52:42Your relationship does not exist in a
52:44vacuum.
52:46And if you isolate your relationship
52:50from the structures
52:54that reinforce the power of being in a
52:58committed and loving and supportive
53:00relationship,
53:02that isolation
53:05starts to tear away at your connection
53:07because you start to feel like it's me
53:09against you. It's us against the world.
53:11All I do is work and then come home and
53:13that's my existence. And one thing we
53:16have done that I noticed in a remarkable
53:19distance is for our 30th wedding
53:21anniversary, instead of having a party,
53:24we said, you know what we're going to
53:25do? We're going to prioritize seeing
53:26friends
53:28and we're going to prioritize seeing
53:30people that God were in our wedding 30
53:32years ago. We're going to prioritize
53:34seeing other couples or other families
53:37or other friends that have been there
53:40because
53:42making time, whether it's with family or
53:44old friends or new friends, making time
53:47for that reinforces
53:50the memories. It reinforces the network
53:54that you've created together.
53:57Fun and connection is such a huge part
54:00of it. And when I look back at the times
54:03when we were really at each other's
54:05throats,
54:07we were not doing that. We were
54:10isolated. We were barricaded with our
54:12problems. We were at each other. We were
54:14locked away in in your your head, my
54:17anger. And there's something about
54:21getting out of your rhythm and into an
54:27intentional cycle of having plans to
54:31look ahead to. And it could just be
54:33making dinner with friends this weekend.
54:35It might be going to a live concert like
54:39we did with one of our friends that we
54:41hadn't seen these friends for two years.
54:42We're like, why don't we go for a
54:43concert with them? That's part of our
54:4430th wedding anniversary. And to me,
54:48it's made a huge difference. And it does
54:52something that really again takes me
54:55back to the beginning of when we met and
54:59when the whole future was just wide open
55:04and you feel when you're with your
55:06person like we have a shared vision and
55:09we're going to do this together. And you
55:11can find your way back to that. I
55:14believe and you can find your way back
55:16to it with these three things we're
55:18talking about that four words. You're my
55:21favorite person.
55:24This lesson around softening and
55:27remembering you are in a relationship
55:30with your partner's unfinished business.
55:33Just think about them as little
55:348-year-old and you probably won't scream
55:35at them.
55:37and there's an opportunity to grow
55:40together instead of to hold grudges and
55:43to lean into each other. That's the
55:46opportunity. And then the final thing is
55:48like really thinking about the fact that
55:51your relationship is a third person in
55:56the relationship. like it's you and
55:58you're responsible for certain things
56:00for yourself and me and I'm responsible
56:02for certain things for myself and you're
56:05responsible for supporting me and I'm
56:07responsible for supporting you in ways
56:09but there is this relationship
56:12that needs our attention otherwise it's
56:14going to die and so those things that
56:17reinforce alignment things to look
56:19forward to planning the calendar every
56:22week uh checking in h how can I help you
56:25this week what do you
56:27uh prioritizing seeing friends and
56:29family that reinforce like the good
56:32years and the memories and you know what
56:34you've all been through because there's
56:36so much value in being reminded that
56:40yeah, you've been through things and you
56:42can come out the other side.
56:50>> Yeah. Yeah, the only thing I would add
56:51to that is just, you know, the constant
56:53recognition of the changes that are
56:56occurring because in the honeymoon
56:58phase, you don't want anything to change
57:01and you don't imagine anything changing.
57:04And the reality is that change will
57:07occur. And coincidentally, many of us
57:11are seeking change over time. But we
57:15certainly can't anticipate
57:18all of the ambiguities that are going to
57:19pop up when these changes are occurring,
57:22whether we are forcing the change or
57:24they are being forced upon us. And I
57:27think stopping and acknowledging those
57:30along the way as being sources sometimes
57:34of things like grudges and what have you
57:39can be helpful.
57:40>> You know, I'm I'm thinking about the
57:41fact that our daughters
57:44will often say to me, I really like
57:47really want to find someone like dad. I
57:50really hope I have a marriage that's
57:52like your guys. Oh my gosh. And you know
57:54what I say to them? I say first of all
57:57the man you see at 57 is not the man I
57:59met at 26. So there have been a lot of
58:01skill building. There have been a lot of
58:03water under the bridge. There's been a
58:05lot of growth. Our marriage when we
58:08started did not look like it looks
58:11today.
58:12And so if you're in that spot where
58:15you're like is this my person? Is it not
58:16my person? Will I ever have the
58:19Do you think
58:21that you could spend 30 years with the
58:23person that you're in a relationship
58:24with? And over the course of 30 years,
58:29is this person the kind of person that's
58:31willing to lean in and work on it and
58:33grow with you? that was clear from day
58:36one was our mutual interest in growth
58:42and learning and understanding first and
58:46foremost of ourselves about ourselves.
58:49But the fact that we wanted to jump into
58:51that pool together was
58:55very very attractive.
58:57>> I think that's how you know you're with
58:58the right person. You feel like
59:00yourself. You see a shared vision.
59:04of growing old together. You share
59:06values and have some overlapping goals
59:10and dreams about the way you think about
59:12your life and the things you want out of
59:13your life. And you're both willing to
59:18lean in and grow together. You have
59:20that. You have one of the single
59:23greatest gifts that you will ever
59:24experience in life.
59:28Chris, is there anything else you wanted
59:29to say?
59:31>> No. I mean, it sounds trit, but I just
59:35love the fact that we've had 30 years,
59:38even though lots of them were tough.
59:43I love that we're still in it together.
59:45I love that we took the time to learn
59:49some of these things, to
59:55give each other the space to learn these
59:58things,
59:59which I know at times didn't come easy.
1:00:04Uh, but I
1:00:07I am
1:00:09feeling lots of gratitude for our 30
1:00:11years.
1:00:12>> Well, we definitely grew together.
1:00:15majorly
1:00:16>> and like I I do remember times where I'm
1:00:19like this is just a moment. This is not
1:00:21the whole marriage. This is just a
1:00:24moment.
1:00:26We will get through this. Things will be
1:00:27better again. And I really do wish
1:00:30though that the three things that we
1:00:34shared today, you and I had had going
1:00:36into this marriage.
1:00:39And I'm grateful that we have these
1:00:41tools
1:00:43as we continue forward in it because I
1:00:46know we're celebrating 30 years, but I
1:00:48was thinking about it today.
1:00:50I can't do math very well, but I would
1:00:53really I'm trying to think of the math
1:00:55here, guys. Like, if I live to be
1:01:00100 years, what would 75 be? So 75 would
1:01:03be 45 more years. Oh god, that's 102.
1:01:07No, it'll be another 20.
1:01:09>> What? No, we've been married 30.
1:01:11>> Oh. Oh, in our marriage.
1:01:13>> Yeah. Wouldn't it be cool to celebrate
1:01:14our 75th wedding anniversary?
1:01:16>> Is it even possible to live that long?
1:01:18How old is that? I'm 57.
1:01:19>> We need another We need another 45
1:01:21years.
1:01:22>> Wow. 45 years I get to spend with you.
1:01:26>> As long as I'm not drooling on myself.
1:01:29Yeah, that'd be awesome.
1:01:30>> You'd still be my favorite person.
1:01:33[laughter]
1:01:36[sighs] I wonder about that. [laughter]
1:01:41[sighs and gasps]
1:01:42>> Oh god. I would love to reach our 75th
1:01:45wedding anniversary. That would put us
1:01:46at 102. Do you think we can make it?
1:01:50>> I think we're
1:01:52doing all the right things to try to get
1:01:54there for sure.
1:01:55>> All right. Well, let's put it in the
1:01:56calendar.
1:02:00[sighs and gasps]
1:02:04Well, I just want to remind you that on
1:02:07our second date when we declared we were
1:02:10going to marry each other.
1:02:13I hesitated to say that I wanted to
1:02:16spend the rest of my life with you. I
1:02:19really thought about it in the moment
1:02:21like should I tell her that cuz I'm
1:02:23feeling that. And the reason why I did
1:02:26feel that and I said something on our
1:02:27second date was because in that moment I
1:02:31had a visual of you and I very old in
1:02:35two rocking chairs on the front porch of
1:02:38an old house. And that vision popped up
1:02:41in my head and I thought I really do
1:02:44want to be in those rocking chairs
1:02:46together.
1:02:48And that's what compelled me to even say
1:02:50I want that. So yeah, amen to 102.
1:02:54Hopefully [laughter] hopefully
1:02:56>> let's create it. Chris Robbins, let's
1:02:57create it. Um I am
1:03:02so happy that you were here with me and
1:03:06Chris. Thank you for taking the time to
1:03:09listen to this. Thank you for watching
1:03:11it. Like you cannot listen to or watch
1:03:14this conversation
1:03:16with the person you're in a relationship
1:03:18with and not feel compelled to have a
1:03:22deeper conversation.
1:03:24There's just no way based on what Chris
1:03:27shared, based on what I shared, based on
1:03:30these lessons, based on the topics that
1:03:35we covered that I'm sure I could almost
1:03:38feel you nodding along like that's me,
1:03:40that's my partner. And if there's one
1:03:43thing that we kept coming back to over
1:03:45and over and that we've come back to is
1:03:47that you can't solve problems you're not
1:03:50willing to talk about. and you'll never
1:03:53process feelings that you keep burying.
1:03:57And hardening isn't going to improve
1:03:59your relationship. So, if you really do
1:04:02want to go the distance with one
1:04:04another, and of course you do, that's
1:04:05why you're listening, why not soften?
1:04:09Why not find your way back to this
1:04:11person that you fell in love with? And
1:04:13we are here to tell you because we've
1:04:14been through Halenback, it is absolutely
1:04:16possible. And these simple lessons that
1:04:19we shared and some of the simple tools
1:04:21that we've used have helped us do that.
1:04:24And in case no one else tells you, I
1:04:26wanted to be sure to tell you as your
1:04:28friend that I love you and I'm sure
1:04:31Chris loves you, too. And we believe in
1:04:36your ability to create a better life.
1:04:39And part of what makes for a much better
1:04:41life is more fulfilling relationships.
1:04:44And I know that what we shared with you
1:04:48will give you the tools to create them.
1:04:51All right, I'll see you in the very next
1:04:52episode. I'm going to welcome you in the
1:04:54moment you hit play. All right, thank
1:04:56you for watching all the way to the end
1:04:58on YouTube. And I know you want to watch
1:05:02another video. And I know you're
1:05:03thinking, "All right, Mel, what episode
1:05:04should we watch next?" Oh, you're going
1:05:05to love this episode of the Mel Robbins
1:05:08Podcast. [music] I'll welcome you in the
1:05:09moment I hit play.

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