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21 Behaviours That F*ck Relationships — Transcript

by Kait Willett · 8,118 words · 1,190 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:0043% of first marriages end in divorce
0:03compare that to acute 12% in the 1960s
0:06now you might be thinking they were
0:08young and dumb and they got older and
0:09wiser nope that statistic increases to
0:1360% for second marriages and for those
0:15of you that are thinking third time a
0:17charm allow me to disappoint you again
0:19with a 73% Chance thir go around that
0:23that will end in divorce as well and
0:24that's even from a declining population
0:26of people who are getting married it's
0:28the lowest rate ever in history look at
0:30this sorry little graph that's a 48%
0:33decrease that being said let's get into
0:35it these are 21 behaviors that could
0:37possibly be [ __ ] your relationship
0:39the first point is believing that your
0:41feelings are a burden to somebody else
0:43ignoring your emotional needs will lead
0:46to a disconnect think of a relationship
0:48kind of like a dance one partner steps
0:50the other one steps back but if you're
0:51stepping on somebody else's toes it
0:53throws everybody off Rhythm this type of
0:56behavior is really strong in somebody
0:57who has and avoid an attachment Style if
1:00you believe your feelings are a burden
1:01you'll create a fourth wall and call
1:03that Independence this stems from the
1:04anxiety that your feelings are negative
1:06for other people to experience and that
1:08displacing them onto other people isn't
1:11a form of love and you likely learn this
1:13at a young age especially if your
1:14parents weren't capable of navigating
1:16your negative emotional states but only
1:18praised you and were present and excited
1:20when you were happy this drives you to
1:22build an emotional Vault of all of the
1:24negative emotions that you don't want to
1:26feel so you lock them up inside to keep
1:28yourself safe and when and what I want
1:30you to understand is every single human
1:32has a core belief that if you could see
1:34all of me you wouldn't stay either and
1:36what I want you to understand is that we
1:37all have this fear it's also really
1:39important to understand that these
1:40aren't conscious decisions that we make
1:42you may even want to open up but the
1:44moment that the opportunity presents
1:46itself to you while the thought is I
1:48should just say something internally you
1:50White Knuckle of yourself to keep that
1:51emotion bottled down you tell yourself
1:53that it's too much it's not important or
1:55truly it's not that big of a deal or
1:58that somehow you're overreacting what
2:00this looks like is creating space
2:01shutting down in difficult conversations
2:04avoiding intimacy getting really anxious
2:06when relationships start to move to the
2:08next level and holding on to dear life
2:10of routines your work schedule in
2:11personal space so that you can protect
2:13yourself from getting into something
2:15that you fear will take away from your
2:16hyper independent state but the problem
2:18with this is that over time this will
2:19cause the relationship to fall apart
2:21addressing and validating the other
2:23person's emotional needs is the glue
2:25that holds the relationship together
2:27over time I want you to think about it
2:29from this angle if somebody that you
2:30loved came to you and said I'm really
2:32uncomfortable I'm feeling insecure I'm
2:34really anxious about this thing you
2:37probably would want to support them and
2:38you probably wouldn't look at that like
2:40a burden so why do you believe that your
2:42feelings are bad and if you on the other
2:44side of the coin do see emotions or
2:46other people's expression of emotions as
2:48a bad thing and that they should be able
2:49to handle it on their own just
2:52understand that you're projecting your
2:53own internal narrative onto somebody
2:55else and how they should function it
2:57also prevents the avoidant person from
2:59experiencing what they long for the most
3:01which is a deep and intimate emotional
3:03connection with somebody but they also
3:04have this deeply rooted fear of intimacy
3:07and so they never allow themselves to
3:08get to this point and run at the sign
3:10that this could actually be something
3:12that becomes serious so they emotionally
3:14completely disconnect themselves as a
3:16form of self-preservation and if you are
3:18like this or you're with somebody like
3:20this you really need to take a moment to
3:22consider where this relationship is
3:23going which leads me to point number two
3:26you have a desire to [ __ ] control
3:28everything but imagine taking a road
3:30trip with somebody who never stops when
3:31you need to take a body break and you as
3:33a passenger literally have no idea where
3:35you're even going and no idea if you're
3:37even going to make it there safely or
3:39take a plunge right off the edge of a
3:40cliff the need for control often stems
3:43from anxiety and a desire for certainty
3:45the truth is people like this don't
3:47trust anybody and at the root of that
3:49it's because they don't trust themselves
3:50so they aim to exercise this element of
3:52control to be able to predict what's
3:54going to happen next so that they can
3:56show up the way that they need to show
3:57up to make sure that they've got control
3:59over the entire situation it's the
4:01belief that you know it needs to be done
4:03and if you want it done right I do it
4:04myself this can manifest in dominating
4:07decisions dismissing your partner's
4:08opinions and refusing to compromise over
4:11time this will create resentment
4:13eventually it will turn the relationship
4:15Dynamic to be completely toxic dismantle
4:18the entire thing flexibility and
4:20compromise are key elements to any
4:22relationship that lasts more than 5
4:23minutes and if you are somebody who's
4:25more dismissive avoidant this will be a
4:27power dominance mechanism that you use
4:29to Leverage some sort of safety and
4:31certainty that this partner can't leave
4:32you by trying to increase the power
4:34Dynamic your desire for Safety and
4:36Security will run this relationship
4:38right off a cliff you have to be willing
4:40to collaborate and communicate while
4:42respecting your partner's differing
4:43views and willing to be wrong cuz if
4:46you're only focused on being right all
4:47the time you're not really focusing on
4:49how do we find a solution and this
4:51brings us to number three this belief
4:53that your career comes first
4:55prioritizing your work over your
4:56relationship over a long enough time
4:58Horizon will create a wed of distance
5:00think of your relationship like a garden
5:02if you neglect to water it and tend to
5:04it those plants will die you might feel
5:06as though your career in your financial
5:08contribution to your family is what
5:10drives the value that you bring and if
5:11you've been validated over time for your
5:13accomplishments and your work success
5:15then of course you're going to have this
5:17belief that that's where your value
5:18comes from this is the self-perception
5:20that you have of your self-worth and
5:22letting go of that would put you in a
5:23really vulnerable space not really
5:25knowing why they're here what they want
5:27from you this can lead to really long
5:29hours at work missing important events
5:31missing your partner's cues and subtle
5:33passes at you because you're exhausted
5:35from all the hours that you're putting
5:36in and this will make you over time
5:38completely emotionally unavailable
5:40despite an internal need for connection
5:42and love and you'll create a dynamic
5:44where you sit across the table from your
5:46partner at the end of the day and you
5:47don't even know who's looking back at
5:49you what you have to understand is that
5:51balance is essential both your career
5:53and your relationship can get attention
5:55in order to flourish and if you're
5:57somebody who carries the self-perception
5:59that you're your value and your worth
6:00comes from your ability to be successful
6:02in the achievements of your work then
6:04what I need you to understand is asking
6:07yourself the same question of would you
6:08put all of your money in one stock
6:10probably not CU if that thing crashes
6:12everything goes down and the bigger plot
6:14twist in all of this is that the value
6:16that you bring is you being you and that
6:18takes us into number four you're one of
6:20those people who just focuses on
6:22achieving the milestones in the
6:24relationship if you prioritize
6:25Milestones over the genuine connection
6:27of the relationship you're moving in the
6:29wrong direction and this will lead to an
6:31unfulfilling long-term relationship
6:34imagine a checklist of a perfect life
6:36dating engagement marriage having kids
6:39if you're only focused on checking off
6:40the boxes you're going to miss the
6:42actual depth of connection that you
6:44could have with your partner and this
6:45Behavior tends to stem from the societal
6:47pressure that we have to be at a certain
6:49place in our lives within a certain time
6:50frame otherwise it reinforces this
6:52thought that there's something wrong
6:53with you and you're somehow behind and
6:55this will lead you down a path of
6:57rushing all these Dynamics getting into
6:59commitment that you don't actually want
7:00to be in because well I'm 30 and I'm
7:03single and I'm supposed to get married
7:04have babies by a house and do the thing
7:05so you're here in proximity and I guess
7:08it's the right time so let me get down
7:10on one knee and make this promise to you
7:11that I don't even know I can keep to
7:13myself you need to pick a life in a
7:15pattern where you have conviction and
7:17certainty over the commitment and the
7:18promise that you're making and this
7:19would probably alleviate all of the
7:21[ __ ] divorces that we see people go
7:23through and that brings me to the next
7:25Point instead of lying to yourself White
7:27Lies are also not acceptable dishonesty
7:30breaks trust and creates distance going
7:32back to the foundation idea imagine
7:34building a foundation out of sand
7:36without any emance of Solid Ground
7:38everything will come crashing down and
7:40while White Lies might seem harmless in
7:42the short term over time it builds
7:44resentment and breaks trust this
7:46Behavior often stems from a fear of
7:48conflict and a desire to maintain peace
7:51if you feel anxious about having an
7:52adversarial conflict with your partner
7:54then you might tell a white lie to try
7:56to maintain the peace and Escape an
7:58argument that might lead to further
7:59conflict especially if you have
8:01abandonment issues one of the biggest
8:03mistakes that people will make is
8:04thinking that you have the right to
8:05protect your partner from the truth you
8:07aren't protecting them what you're doing
8:09is prolonging the price that you might
8:11have to pay for an action or something
8:13that you've done that they have the
8:14right to at least know about see the
8:16problem with that is that you think you
8:17can assert your will and you're looking
8:19out for that person but really in the
8:21moment where you're telling a white lie
8:22you're looking out for yourself and this
8:23will lead to patterns of dishonesty
8:25within the dynamic of your relationship
8:27but I can promise you it all comes out
8:29of eventually and your partner will feel
8:31misled and betrayed which will break the
8:33trust that you have and this perfectly
8:35moves me into the next point which is
8:37the idea that you can't rebuild trust
8:39believing that trust cannot be rebuilt
8:42is often what prevents healing in any
8:44relationship imagine a shattered vase
8:47even if you try to glue it back together
8:49the cracks remain visible and if
8:50somebody has a conviction that once
8:52trust is broken it can never be rebuilt
8:54you will become distant resentful and
8:56prevent the relationship from ever
8:58healing because you've already decided
8:59that you're never going to forgive this
9:01person for whatever might have happened
9:03and if you jump on this immediately
9:05because you're anxious of Abandonment or
9:06you have a story that everybody is out
9:08to get you and that they're
9:09intentionally going to hurt you and that
9:10nothing lasts and that once a cheater
9:12always a cheater or once a liar always a
9:13lighter and that people can't change
9:15what you neglect to see is that you
9:16yourself have changed over time over the
9:19last year you're probably not the same
9:20person that you were and if you expect
9:22perfect from somebody else then it's
9:23probably a really good time to look in
9:24the mirror and ask yourself have you
9:27always been perfect now this doesn't
9:28mean that there aren't certain
9:29boundaries and red lines that you should
9:31have in a relationship that honor your
9:33values your vision and your perception
9:34of what you need in a relationship and
9:36also mentally and emotionally what you
9:38personally can tolerate but
9:39understanding those things before you
9:40get into a relationship and
9:41communicating those things early is
9:44really important for everybody to
9:46understand I want to be here with you I
9:48choose you but there's a certain red
9:49line for me where I will not trade off
9:52this relationship to come at the
9:53consequence of me losing myself cuz
9:55nobody wants to be with somebody who's
9:5710 minutes late and every single time
9:58they're late thinking where are they
10:00what are they doing are they seeing
10:01somebody do they do something else in
10:03repeating this pattern once again again
10:05it's not for me to tell you to always
10:07forgive but it's also really important
10:08to have understanding before you get
10:10into serious commitments like marriage
10:12where the red lines are and what will
10:13happen if those boundaries are crossed
10:15and studies show that trust can be
10:18rebuilt in relationships through
10:19consistent and honest Communication in
10:22actions and relationships that go
10:24through the process of healing and
10:25rebuilding trust tend to emerge even
10:28stronger in the aftermath of overcoming
10:29that together which brings me to the
10:31next one you have trouble resolving
10:33issues poor conflict resolution leads to
10:36ongoing problems imagine a fire that is
10:38started and there's a little flame left
10:40that's not extinguished eventually it
10:42will turn into a raging Blaze and we see
10:44this all the time in relationships where
10:46everybody wants to avoid the elephant in
10:47the room where a little disagreement
10:49turns into a blowout fight because they
10:51don't have the conflict resolution
10:52skills in place and so couples will go
10:54about this little dance of avoiding
10:56having the conversation that both people
10:58know they need to have thinking that if
11:00we don't talk about it eventually it
11:02will just go away but this leads to
11:04unresolved problems that Stack Up and
11:06build a mountain of [ __ ] over time
11:08avoiding the short-term uncomfortable
11:10and hard conversation will build
11:11resentment and mistrust down the road
11:13understanding how to engage in a really
11:15difficult conversation while respecting
11:16the other person and talking about the
11:18problem instead of attacking that person
11:20is a really foundational interpersonal
11:22skill that most people don't have
11:24because they walk in guns of Blazing
11:26with assumptions about why somebody did
11:28something why some body didn't do
11:29something instead of tabling the
11:31assumptions that you have about somebody
11:33else's behavior and genuinely leading
11:34with curiosity or owning your feelings
11:37and communicating them but not making it
11:39about the other person but these are
11:41skills especially with the dynamic of
11:42our culture and having so many options
11:44on social media and online and Bumble
11:46and Tinder and whatever the [ __ ] you
11:48might use where people have one
11:50semblance of discomfort in a dynamic of
11:53a relationship and they immediately jump
11:55ship and the sad part about all of that
11:57is if that person did that to you you're
11:59the one that's wishing they would have
12:00fought for it and you also tend to be
12:03that person for somebody else because we
12:05don't have the skills to navigate these
12:06things together and we don't have the
12:08patience to lead with curiosity and let
12:10go of us having to be right and don't
12:12just take my word for it Research
12:14indicates that effective conflict
12:16resolution skills is linked to higher
12:18relationship satisfaction and stability
12:21and these couples together are way
12:23better skilled to navigate much harder
12:25challenges that life will inevitably
12:27throw at you now this one's where is
12:29going to get a little uncomfortable so
12:30I'm going to need you sit back take a
12:32deep breath and come into number eight
12:33with me which is that you believe you
12:35can change people trying to change your
12:37partner causes tension it's like trying
12:39to exercise control by holding on to
12:41sand Tighter and Tighter in your hands
12:43and noticing that it squeezes out
12:45through your fingers whereas if you just
12:47loosen the grip a little bit you could
12:49actually hold more of it often times
12:50people displace the changes that they
12:52aren't comfortable making onto somebody
12:54else to make a different change if my
12:56partner could just do things my way
12:58everything would be easier and that's a
13:00really convenient story that you tell
13:01yourself that removes a level of
13:03responsibility that you might have to
13:05actually adjust what you perceive to be
13:07the right thing to be the best thing for
13:09that relationship to continue to move
13:10forward people need freedom and autonomy
13:12in relationships and ultimately people
13:15will change when they choose to change
13:17not because you want them to change and
13:18as a clinical psychology student this is
13:20something that I'm well equipped and
13:22versed with you can't impose your will
13:24upon people to make decisions with their
13:26life you can only give them information
13:28communicate what you see what you feel
13:30what you think challenge what they think
13:31get an understanding of where they're at
13:33and then help them take the steps if
13:35they are willing to be able to grow in a
13:37direction that they have chosen that
13:39they want to go but you can't do that
13:41and force that upon somebody else and if
13:42somebody else doesn't want to change
13:43that doesn't make them the problem
13:45you're the problem if you think you have
13:46the right to impose your will upon
13:48people and tell them how to live their
13:49lives there comes a point where you have
13:51to recognize that while you might love
13:53somebody love isn't always enough and if
13:55somebody who's been through heartbreak
13:57with that realization it [ __ ] sucks
13:59and it hurts but you cannot change
14:01people who do not want to change you can
14:03only look at it objectively and either
14:05accept them fully for who they are and
14:07choose to stand by them regardless or
14:09say hey I love you but I can't do this
14:11this is not what I want in my life for
14:12me and while that conversation might be
14:14hard while that realization might suck
14:16to come to it will prevent you from
14:19spending more time years decades
14:21emotions memories with somebody who is
14:23never going to come fully to fruition
14:25for you and the life that you desire to
14:26live and you are never going to be the
14:28right person for them in the life that
14:29they desire to live either cuz you don't
14:31get to decide what is best for somebody
14:34they do which brings me to the next
14:35Point believing that your partner is
14:38responsible for your actions and
14:39displacing the responsibility that you
14:42have for how you operate for the actions
14:44that you take or how you react to
14:46something will build resentment in that
14:48relationship often times you'll see this
14:50with people that will always misplace
14:51the responsibility that they have on
14:53their actions and say you made me do it
14:55if you didn't act this way I wouldn't
14:56have done that if you weren't late I
14:58would wouldn't have done whatever the
15:00[ __ ] they might have done I don't know
15:01but it's always an excuse and it [ __ ]
15:03sucks especially when you confront them
15:05with their behavior this behavior stems
15:08from a lack of accountability and an
15:09allergy to responsibility and they
15:11justify their actions and behaviors
15:14because they believe they were provoked
15:16by somebody else AKA their partner and
15:18the story that they tell themselves the
15:20thoughts and the beliefs that they have
15:21will are if you didn't do this I
15:23wouldn't have done that and this is
15:25something that we call blame shifting
15:27and it happens a lot in really toxic
15:29relationships specifically with
15:30narcissists so what you have to
15:32recognize is that you are always
15:33responsible for how you react to
15:35something now that doesn't mean that
15:37we're all these like superhero beings
15:39that can just calm our nervous system in
15:40a moment take a deep breath and say I
15:43understand how that made you feel that's
15:44not how humans operate however if you
15:47practice building a skill of
15:48self-awareness and you can even in a
15:51heated moment say I'm uncomfortable with
15:53this I do not like how that made me feel
15:55and I need 5 minutes cuz I don't want to
15:57rip your head off that at least is in
15:59your emotions how you feel and
16:00explaining that you don't want to be
16:01reactive and this will avoid you getting
16:03into a pattern of resentment or
16:05defensiveness in the interpersonal
16:06dynamics of your relationship and over
16:09time blame shifting will lead to further
16:11conflict and increased resentment in the
16:13dynamic of your relationship so if you
16:15want it to last you need to put your
16:16pride to the side and be willing to
16:18acknowledge and take responsibility for
16:20how you behave which leads me down this
16:22fairy tale princess Disney narrative
16:25that relationships should be easy
16:27believing that a relationship should
16:28should just naturally be easy leads to
16:30unrealistic expectations life is going
16:33to kick you in the balls it has before
16:35it will inevitably in the future and
16:37expecting an easy ride once you get into
16:39a relationship with the perfect partner
16:41sets you up to be disappointed and
16:43people who walk into a relationship with
16:45the belief that the relationship should
16:46be easy the moment that they face some
16:48type of conflict tend to run instead of
16:50focusing on where you can learn and
16:53improve and gain skills and awareness
16:55and deepen the intimacy of the
16:56connection that you have by working
16:57through some of the Peaks and valleys
16:59that you will walk through together in
17:01life and this belief tends to stem from
17:03this idealized version of relationships
17:05in media and movies and people often
17:07feel disappointed or like they've found
17:09the wrong partner when everything
17:10doesn't come easily and it's not all
17:12sunshine and rainbows and this leads to
17:14the behavior of people who constantly
17:16run the moment that things get hard
17:18because the truth is if you want a
17:19relationship that lasts you have to
17:21accept that all of these relationships
17:23will require work they will require
17:25unrelenting effort and a lot of
17:27compromise now this is where a lot of
17:29people will miss the growth that is
17:31necessary for you personally to go
17:32through in a relationship the next point
17:35being you've got to have some
17:36self-awareness lack of self-awareness
17:39will amplify blind spots in your
17:40behavior and it will cause adversarial
17:42interactions with your partner that can
17:44lead to a very toxic Dynamic imagine
17:47driving with a blindfold on you can't
17:48see where you're going or the impact
17:50that you're about to have and a lot of
17:52people will just act impulsively doing
17:54what they want to do without considering
17:56the impact that it has on other people
17:58this is where you have to to take the
17:59time to understand yourself so that you
18:01understand where your blind spots are
18:02and how they show up in the dynamic of
18:04that relationship these include your
18:06thoughts your feelings your beliefs your
18:08behavioral patterns and some of your
18:09triggers and I promise you your partner
18:11will trigger you and if you're somebody
18:13who lacks self-awareness then you aren't
18:15going to be able to communicate some of
18:16the triggers or reactive behavior that
18:18you go through to your partner and
18:19instead remove the amount of
18:21responsibility and awareness that you
18:23could have that would actually deepen
18:25the intimacy in the connection that you
18:27have in that partnership because you
18:28aren't just you at this age where you're
18:30at you are the 5-year-old version of you
18:32the 13-year-old version of you the 16 24
18:3530 depending on how old you are it
18:36doesn't matter you are every component
18:38and every element of you that you have
18:40ever experienced throughout your life
18:42and that doesn't just go away because
18:44you're an adult now but a lack of
18:45self-awareness can create cycles of hurt
18:47and misunderstandings which will prevent
18:50the growth and resolution required for a
18:52long-term relationship and studies would
18:54indicate that people who are more
18:55self-aware in a relationship have better
18:57outcomes long term with stability and
18:59the quality of their relationship over
19:01time and this leads me to my next point
19:03which we may have a disagreement on but
19:05living together before marriage does not
19:08set you up for long-term success and not
19:10having the conversation around the
19:11expectations or what it means to live
19:13together before you go through with that
19:15step in your life can create stories
19:17where you think you're on the same page
19:18about where you're going and what you're
19:20doing when you're reading two totally
19:22different books people tend to think of
19:23cohabitation as like a test drive but
19:26the problem with that is your wife or
19:27your girlfriend is is not a [ __ ] car
19:29and if you expect that to mean it solves
19:31all of your problems or removes you from
19:33actually committing to the relationship
19:35then you're somewhat delusional but
19:36women will also set themselves up to be
19:38disappointed because they will spend
19:40years living with somebody without any
19:42actual true commitment it removes the
19:44responsibility of having to tie yourself
19:45down and say I choose you even through
19:47the hard moments even through the rough
19:49times and at any moment you can
19:50literally just jump ship when another
19:52opportunity presents itself to you or
19:54the grass feels like it might be greener
19:55on the other side and at this point when
19:57couples get here there's always some
19:59anxiety mixed with excitement along the
20:01way and many people assume incorrectly
20:03that moving in together will solve all
20:05of their relationship problems and when
20:06we look at the research and the data on
20:08this couples that Liv together before
20:10making a commitment in marriage don't
20:12have the best outcomes I'm not telling
20:14you not to live together what I am
20:16saying is both people should probably be
20:17on the same page about what that
20:19actually means that way there's no
20:20miscommunication or misunderstanding
20:22about where the relationship is and
20:24where you're going together and once you
20:26cohabitate together it can lead to some
20:28interesting Dynamics within the
20:30partnership which leads me to my next
20:32point the idea that your partner should
20:34also be your best friend and your
20:35partner your therapist and everything
20:37else expecting your partner to fulfill
20:39every single role and fit every single
20:41need that you have is unrealistic and it
20:44also puts a lot of pressure on them to
20:46be everything all at once all the time
20:48it's exhausting and insufferable one
20:51person can't possibly be your lover your
20:53best friend a comedian and your
20:55therapist and then there's this mixture
20:57of disappointment when some somebody
20:58can't fit everything and again you go
21:00back to this belief that they're
21:02supposed to be everything to me and when
21:03they're not I should just run but that's
21:05not how this works even you as an
21:07individual do not have the capacity to
21:10be everything that your partner could
21:12ever need you need to have just like we
21:14talked about earlier with work you have
21:16to diversify where you get these
21:18different fuel sources from and also not
21:20be insecure when your partner needs the
21:22same because having this pressure and
21:24then the inability to meet the pressure
21:26and the standards and expectations that
21:28one person should be everything will
21:30build resentment over time and studies
21:33show that having a strong support
21:34network outside of the relationship
21:36contributes to overall relationship
21:38satisfaction while expecting one person
21:41to be everything in a relationship leads
21:43to dissatisfaction and burnout and that
21:45brings me to my next point the past
21:47doesn't matter does it ignoring past
21:50issues can lead to recurring problems
21:52because people like it or not on a
21:55subconscious level live in certain
21:57patterns throughout their lifetime time
21:59what many people neglect to understand
22:00is that the way that we live and the
22:02partners that we choose aren't always
22:03conscious decisions we seek what is
22:06familiar not what is always best and
22:08this is why you might even have a friend
22:10who finds themselves in repeated
22:11patterns of toxic Dynamics in
22:13relationships while also stating I never
22:15want to go through that again and while
22:17they might get into a relationship or
22:19situationship and you can see
22:21objectively that is a red flag they will
22:23justify and rationalize why this is
22:26different when truly it's not different
22:28name same relationship pattern and until
22:30you can recognize what about that feels
22:32super familiar for you you can start to
22:35then pause and ask yourself what about
22:37this situation or this person am I
22:39actually overlooking because you cannot
22:40bury a problem and pretend and also
22:43complain about it not being solved these
22:45things resurface eventually just like
22:47triggers just like past trauma just like
22:49overall core beliefs and things that you
22:50might project onto your partner that
22:52have nothing to do with them and
22:53everything to do with your past and
22:55ignoring these things or turning a blind
22:57eye to them tends to create
22:58dysfunctional patterns within the
23:00dynamic of your relationship and while
23:02you might feel relieved avoiding the
23:04issue what you resist will persist and a
23:07lot of people will justify this by
23:08saying the past isn't here it doesn't
23:10matter why talk about it but this is
23:12essential not just for you but for your
23:15relationship to have growth and resolve
23:17in healing and better understanding of
23:19one another as you move forward towards
23:21creating a life that you guys say that
23:23you want to have on the alternative side
23:25if you don't you will create avoidance
23:27within the two of you and assumptions
23:29being projected at one another at all
23:31times perpetuating a pattern of
23:33unresolved conflict where you guys fight
23:35over the trash being full when that has
23:37nothing to do with why you're upset and
23:39ultimately this will prevent you from
23:41growing together and actually getting
23:43deeper levels of intimacy that will
23:44drive commitment long term especially
23:46when life gets hard now this also
23:48doesn't mean that somebody else's past
23:50is a permanent life sentence of who they
23:53will be with you different partners and
23:55different people bring out different
23:56parts of us and that's the Beautiful
23:58thing about relationships but in order
24:00for you to have a better understanding
24:01of your partner and what they need what
24:03their fears or desires or past
24:05experiences have been that might shape
24:06some of their behavior or their
24:08reactions to you if you can just table
24:10the assumptions that you have and own
24:11that fully and embrace those parts of
24:13them will also embracing those parts of
24:15you there are no surprises when they
24:17come up whereas if you don't ever talk
24:19about these things and you just say that
24:21doesn't matter that was me once upon a
24:22time you're neglecting to see the full
24:24picture because those are all data
24:26points that you need to fit the vision
24:27pause for I effect we had to get this
24:29hair done nevertheless let's get into
24:31the next Point lack of shared goals if
24:33you don't align yourself with a future
24:35goal then you're going to have missed
24:36messages and lack of clarity of
24:38Direction and this over time will create
24:40some conflict imagine rowing a boat in
24:43two different directions you're not
24:44really going to get anywhere and you've
24:46probably dated somebody who ultimately
24:48you really really liked but when it came
24:50down to it you had two different Visions
24:52for your life maybe one of you want kids
24:54but the other one doesn't maybe one of
24:56you wants flexibility and freedom while
24:57the other one wants commitment and
24:59family time if you aren't clear about
25:01what the value and the vision is of your
25:02relationship it is going to implode down
25:05the road and this can lead to feelings
25:06of confusion and frustration with your
25:08partner because you don't really know
25:10what's going on or where you guys are
25:11going together if you're going anywhere
25:13at all and then you might get resentful
25:14because you feel like you're
25:15compromising your individual desires for
25:17the relationship hoping that maybe
25:19they'll come around and I'm sure you've
25:20been in this position before where you
25:21really really care about somebody but
25:23ultimately every time you're around them
25:25it's almost like they just don't meet
25:26the expectation they don't meet the need
25:28and they don't seem to care about the
25:29relationship as much as you do which
25:31again over time will create a disconnect
25:33and if you're somebody who's anxiously
25:34attached you'll latch on to them this is
25:37also similar with goals if you don't
25:39have Clarity of who you are what you
25:41want and what you want with your life
25:42you might latch on to somebody because
25:44you don't want to be alone only toine
25:46down the road 10 years later you're in a
25:47marriage that is unfulfilling for you
25:49because it actually isn't bringing you
25:51closer to where you ultimately wanted to
25:53be and this is why talking about your
25:55vision and your values and your goals at
25:56the front of the relationship can remove
25:59the time Horizon in which you commit to
26:00somebody and then come to find that you
26:03guys actually don't want the same things
26:05because even research would suggest that
26:07shared goals and a shared vision is one
26:09of the most important and critical
26:11factors of building something that's
26:12going to last long term and couples who
26:14align their future aspirations and
26:16experiences with one another experience
26:18not only higher satisfaction but longer
26:20term stability next we're going to move
26:22into something that I think a lot of
26:24people Overlook which is neglecting your
26:25own self-care over time this will lead
26:28to to relationship strain I say this
26:30often but you can't really pour from an
26:31empty cup you can just wear a mask and
26:33compartmentalize your emotions to try to
26:35make it through the day and often times
26:37if you have a people pleaser tendency
26:39where you feel as though your utility
26:41comes from what you can do for other
26:43people and you look for opportunities to
26:44come in and save them over time if
26:46that's not reciprocated or it depletes
26:48you and you get burnt out you are going
26:50to become resentful you might have this
26:52internal narrative that says I have to
26:54take care of everybody first it's
26:55selfish of me to put my needs first it's
26:57selfish of me to ask anybody for help
27:00it's it's selfish for me to say I
27:01actually can't do that it makes me a bad
27:04person what I want you to do if you're
27:06this type of person is recognize that
27:07that is a story that is not rooted in
27:09reality what you will find if you have
27:10the courage to sidestep that a little
27:12bit is that even when you create space
27:13to take care of yourself you're
27:15significantly more present with the
27:17people that you love and care about when
27:19you do so I'm sure you've been in a
27:20position where you're burning the wick
27:22from both ends Running on Fumes and your
27:25partner needs you but you're short and
27:26you're not present and maybe they even
27:28feel dismissed by your presence whereas
27:30if you could take that and say hey I
27:32really appreciate that you want to come
27:33to me and I understand there's a lot
27:35going on however in this moment I just
27:36don't have the space to listen and I
27:38want to make sure that I can be present
27:39with you and support you fully when we
27:41have this conversation would you mind if
27:43we talked about this later tonight or
27:45tomorrow or whatever your bandwidth
27:46needs are it's significantly better to
27:49be honest with where you're at because
27:51it feels like [ __ ] when you go to
27:53somebody and you're being vulnerable and
27:54it feels like it just went completely
27:55over their head which brings me nicely
27:57into my next point which is a lack of
27:59intimacy with your partner right wrong
28:01or indifferent intimacy is vital for a
28:03long-term relationship outside of a
28:05friendship what would a relationship
28:07bring you if it weren't for that depth
28:08of intimacy that you can experience with
28:09another person intimacy is the nutrients
28:12to the relationship like water would be
28:14to a plant it is what keeps it alive and
28:16thriving but if you've slowly started to
28:18drift apart from your partner it is
28:19going to build a wedge and relationships
28:22fall apart because of all the things
28:23that are left unsa at the end of the day
28:25without regular intimacy the
28:27relationship is going to to feel dry as
28:28the desert and you're going to start to
28:30feel disconnected and lonely and who the
28:32[ __ ] wants to feel lonely in a
28:33relationship now this tends to stem from
28:35really busy schedules high stress
28:37Lifestyles and unresolved conflict over
28:39time and many people think that intimacy
28:42is only the physical stuff but it's not
28:44research would suggest that couples need
28:46to spend 90 minutes a week with one
28:48another discussing their relationship
28:50how they feel about one another where
28:51they're at where they're going what they
28:53want to do really reconnecting on the
28:55foundation of what this relationship was
28:56built on it's so crucial to have
28:58emotional intimacy with your partner in
29:00order to build the roots that stabilize
29:03that relationship so that it can grow
29:04into the future and you guys can be on
29:06the same page with one another while
29:07also feeling the depth of connection and
29:09support that you need all humans need in
29:11order to thrive and next we have
29:13jealousy and insecurity insecurities
29:16will erode at trust and Intimacy in a
29:18relationship which again are
29:19foundational requirements for anything
29:21that's going to last insecurity and
29:23jealousy creates a lot of tension in a
29:25relationship which can cause distance
29:27assumptions projections and overall
29:29little tiffs along the way backhanded
29:31compliments or really passive aggressive
29:33things because you can't just rip the
29:35Band-Aid off about how you feel and own
29:37your feelings this can lead to really
29:38controlling behavior and unwarranted
29:41suspicions about what somebody else
29:42might be doing and then many people will
29:44justify this that their jealousy means
29:46that they care or if they're not jealous
29:48at all then they just don't care enough
29:50building self-confidence and trust is a
29:52requirement and it is essential for
29:54anything that is going to last you have
29:56to get good with you and if you can own
29:57your insecurities instead of attacking
29:59your partner you then allow them to come
30:01in and completely dismantle those
30:03thoughts that are ruminating in your
30:04mind because the truth is we all have
30:06insecurities and we can all get jealous
30:07that's not a you thing that is a human
30:09thing but the difference is between
30:10people who can say hey that made me feel
30:12really insecure or actually that
30:14interaction made me a little bit jealous
30:15then you can actually talk about the
30:16problem which is the emotion and your
30:18perception of what happened instead of
30:20attacking your partner and assuming that
30:21they meant to do something that would
30:22hurt your feelings intentionally you
30:24have to remember that we're all
30:25functioning off of a different frame of
30:27reference we have different experiences
30:28different beliefs different social cues
30:30and interactions and while one might
30:32think something is disrespectful the
30:34other person's experience may have
30:35taught them that that's normal and if
30:36you can table the intention being
30:39something that is harmful and instead
30:41get curious while owning how you feel
30:43because your feelings are valid that's
30:44where you can come to the table and
30:45actually work through some of the
30:47problems that are going on and it will
30:48allow your partner to understand you
30:50deeper instead of causing further
30:51frustration and this all goes back to a
30:53level of self-awareness understanding
30:55what those Dynamics are so that you can
30:57communicate that ear and say hey these
30:58are the things that are going to make me
30:59uncomfortable these are the things that
31:01I respect that you need to do but just
31:03understand that if it looks like this or
31:04I feel like this it's going to cause me
31:06to ruminate or think and if you can own
31:08that feeling and own those triggers I'm
31:11telling you it's going to remove a ton
31:13of conflict in your relationship which
31:15brings me to my next Point unrealistic
31:17expectations anytime we have high
31:19expectations for something and the
31:21outcome doesn't match the expectation we
31:23experience disappointment think about
31:24your relationship kind of like a movie
31:26if one partner expects a romantic drama
31:29while the other one's really looking
31:30forward to a comedy both parties will be
31:32disappointed when it doesn't match if
31:34one person has this idealized pedestal
31:36version of a partner when their partner
31:38doesn't match these unrealistic
31:40expectations they will feel disappointed
31:42and they'll make it about the partner
31:43instead of looking in the mirror and
31:45asking themselves what did I expect here
31:47the other thing that's really important
31:48to understand is that cross seex mind
31:50reading is horrible between the genders
31:53we think that the other person should be
31:54able to read our mind know what we want
31:56know what we need in that given moment
31:57but just like you can't read somebody
31:59else's mind they can't either and that
32:01doesn't mean they don't care or that
32:02they don't love you if you can directly
32:04communicate with them what you need in
32:07that moment and how you feel while also
32:09saying in a relationship these are my
32:11expectations if nothing else you're
32:13already forcing people to be on the same
32:15page and if that doesn't align with them
32:17you also have to accept that that's okay
32:19not everybody is made for you and not
32:21everybody has to conform to the version
32:22of them that you would like them to be
32:24you have to be willing to compromise and
32:26come in with some humility understanding
32:28that they're going to make mistakes as
32:30are you you have to understand that your
32:32expectations need to align with reality
32:34which is looking at things as they are
32:36not as you wish them to be now this
32:37one's probably not surprising but I feel
32:39like I have to add it in and that is
32:41infidelity this will absolutely destroy
32:44trust in a relationship and sometimes
32:46people can't come back from this type of
32:48break in the trust but I want to talk
32:50about maybe why infidelity is so
32:52dominant especially in culture and it
32:53feels like it's increasing more and more
32:55with social media and just having so
32:57many options but it also could just be
32:59the fact that we're more aware of it
33:00because everybody knows everybody's
33:02business now it can stem from things
33:03like unmet needs which often times
33:05couples don't communicate out of shame
33:07or judging themselves for needing
33:08something or wanting something
33:10especially again if you're a people
33:11pleaser and you can't own how you feel
33:12and what you need in those moments and
33:14have the skills to communicate that to
33:15your partner and again this underlies
33:17another problem which is just poor
33:18communication lack of intimacy lack of
33:20connection lack of quality time lack of
33:22intention and one of the things that we
33:24see often is that Partners
33:26subconsciously will make es towards
33:28their partner throughout the day and
33:29every single time one of those things is
33:31rejected it creates resentment and
33:33resentment in a relationship is going to
33:35cause somebody to feel an amplified
33:37positive emotion in the presence of
33:39something novel because people love
33:41novelty on a subconscious human level
33:43that's every human that can start to
33:44create a story of something in a fantasy
33:46world where they start to seek out other
33:49opportunities because well they're
33:51giving them attention and affection that
33:52maybe your partner isn't and when you
33:54start to seek out other people's
33:55affection or attention you might justify
33:57it as just a thing or even if you're the
33:59person on the other side of that
34:00experience you might say it didn't mean
34:02anything however the distance between
34:04two people in this start of cheating
34:06however you want to Define it can be
34:08emotional which is what hurts women most
34:10of the time more than the physical stuff
34:12or physical which is what hurts men most
34:14of the time than something emotional and
34:15that's because psychologically we're
34:17wired to be protective in different
34:19dimensions and as far as the feminine
34:21Essence it tends to be much more
34:22emotional than it is tactical and
34:24physical whereas the male the male
34:26psyche is going to gravitate towards
34:28power and dominance and the idea that
34:29another man was with his woman well
34:31that's something that a lot of men can
34:33actually get over the other reasons as
34:34to why men and women sheat I can get
34:36into another video but just know that
34:38the triggers are different and it comes
34:40from differing underlying needs and
34:41emotional bonds and this leads to
34:43betrayal which is really difficult for
34:45most people to actually overcome as a
34:47hurdle now this doesn't mean that
34:48Infidel is impossible to fix however
34:51it's a really deep deep wound that many
34:53people never actually get over and this
34:56can have long lasting effects on
34:57relationship and for many it's the
34:59reason they fall apart and last but
35:01certainly not least unbalanced power
35:04dynamics if one partner is always making
35:06the decisions when I was in my early 20s
35:09I experienced this fully and I promised
35:11myself after that period of my life I
35:12would never need a man to give me what
35:14it was that I needed and it created a
35:16shell of hyper Independence this is why
35:18a lot of women have become independent
35:19over time not necessarily out of Desire
35:22but more so utility when you come into a
35:24relationship where one person controls
35:26the finances controls the decision-
35:28making this creates resentment conflict
35:30and also insecurity or codependency on
35:33one another because in order for you to
35:34do anything well you have to ask your
35:36partner's permission this is not a
35:38relationship Dynamic that has respect
35:40and balance on both sides it is one
35:43person looking for full control so that
35:45they know that they can keep this person
35:48in their place if you find yourself as
35:49somebody in a dynamic where you feel
35:51powerless you're walking on eggshells
35:53you have to ask permission to do things
35:55for yourself to have free time to invest
35:57in yourself whatever those things are
35:58that you might desire and this person
36:00controls how you feel even asking that
36:02is a red flag nobody wants to be in a
36:05relationship where the parties don't
36:06have equal contribution and equal levels
36:08of respect freedom and autonomy you do
36:10not grow a relationship by trying to
36:12control it and that desire to exercise
36:14control is going to backfire and build
36:17something that is toxic and if you had a
36:18parent who was more of a dictator and
36:20told you what you couldn't couldn't do
36:21when you couldn't couldn't go anywhere
36:23what you were and weren't allowed to
36:24engage with then you might find yourself
36:26in a pattern of gravit towards partners
36:28because it feels as though they're going
36:29to take care of you what you fail to
36:31recognize in those situations is that
36:33partner is not actually caring for you
36:35in a nurturing way they're caring for
36:37you in a controlled way where they can
36:39do that as a means of I care about you
36:41and I want to protect you just
36:43understand that you will lose parts of
36:44yourself in the pursuit of being with
36:45somebody who needs to exercise that
36:48level of dominance and control so these
36:49are the 21 behaviors that can totally
36:51ruin relationships

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